Named characters

9348 [NARRATOR] baby (3)/mate (3)/sweetheart (3)/sir (2)/lady (2)/a broken man (1)/Good girl (1)/madam (1)/missy (1)/such a good girl (1)
5864 Ava (922)/Ward (19)/Ava Ward (6)/Ava O’Shea (2)/Lord (1) my wife (28)/baby (14)/lady (11)/My wife (7)/my daughter (7)/this woman (5)/My lady (3)/your husband (3)/Her husband (2)/the woman (2)/My daughter (2)/woman (2)/Silly girl (2)/The woman (2)/This woman (2)/my girl (2)/My gorgeous wife (1)/The man she loves (1)/wife (1)/Every woman (1)/My Lord (1)/my god (1)/the handsomest man I ’ve ever laid eyes on (1)/you gorgeous god (1)/Her Lord (1)/a young , healthy woman (1)/the Lord (1)/Ava ’s best friend (1)/my mum (1)/Your wife (1)/The strongest woman I ’ve ever met (1)/a kinky bitch (1)/your wife (1)/the only person in this world who can (1)/this Sarah (1)/Your friend (1)/the woman who nearly tore us apart (1)/The woman who whipped you (1)/girl (1)/the weakest man (1)/My baby girl (1)/your girl (1)/The mother of my children (1)/my children (1)/the most passionate man I ’ve ever met (1)/the lady of the moment (1)/our daughter (1)/the one who lost her memory (1)/Ava ’s new friend (1)/the one she ’s been doing yoga with all these weeks , having coffee and going on shopping trips with (1)/my murderous ex - wife (1)/sir (1)/the baby (1)/this new woman (1)
2912 Maddie (164)/Sarah (57)/Cherry (33)/Jesus (23)/Daddy (18)/Mrs. Ward (9)/Nan (9)/Ward (5)/Christ (3)/Jesus Christ (3)/miss Cherry (1)/Lord (1)/max (1)/Girl (1)/Mrs. A. Ward (1) my wife (93)/lady (24)/My wife (11)/my God (11)/baby (8)/her husband (7)/the woman (7)/girl (6)/wife (4)/woman (4)/her daughter (2)/Ava ’s mother (2)/my girl (2)/The woman (2)/my mate (2)/a young lady (1)/her daddy (1)/darling (1)/her mother (1)/little lady (1)/Good girl (1)/You bastard (1)/dear (1)/Drew ’s daughter (1)/This woman (1)/my lady (1)/my silly wife (1)/this lady (1)/Your wife (1)/your wife (1)/My beautiful girl (1)/My strong , feisty wife (1)/her mum (1)/my mother (1)/the man who would lay down his life for her (1)/the woman you feel (1)/Her husband (1)/this woman (1)/An old friend (1)/my uncle ’s girlfriend (1)/This man (1)/This man who is her husband (1)/This man who loves her with a fierceness that ’s debilitating for both of us (1)/That woman (1)/Your friend (1)/Your uncle (1)/Your uncle ’s girlfriend who ’s in love with you (1)/your friend (1)/his companion (1)/my lord (1)/a woman (1)/a fucking lunatic (1)/the crazy - mad one (1)/the woman outside my office (1)/the woman who ’s on the threshold of her office (1)/my annoyed wife (1)/the most enthralling person I ’ve ever encountered (1)/my devious wife (1)/The friend from yoga (1)/my daughter (1)/a goddess (1)/a shimmering goddess (1)/my baby girl (1)/my lovely wife (1)/The sneaky little bitch (1)/another person (1)/your ex - wife (1)/your dead daughter (1)/the man she loves (1)/a crazy woman (1)/a fucking psychopathic , merciless woman with a fucked - up vendetta (1)/The man (1)/my hero (1)/his best friend (1)/my Lord (1)/my superstar (1)/a sensible girl (1)/your wedded wife (1)/his mother (1)
1725 Kate (158) baby (52)/my wife (4)/lady (4)/your mother (2)/My wife (2)/the baby (2)/my beautiful wife (1)/Ava ’s best friend (1)/my girl , who ’s now looking up at her in question (1)/her friend (1)/a stranger to her (1)/Your wife (1)/one of those people in this world who you ca n’t help but respect , even if you do n’t always agree with her (1)/that young woman in her mind (1)/My angel (1)/My Ava (1)/her mother (1)/your fucking mother (1)/the most handsome man I ’ve ever laid eyes on (1)/the woman wearing it (1)/The woman wearing it shines brighter (1)/Kate ’s baby girl (1)/That woman (1)/That baby (1)
1185 Jesse (199)/Jesse Ward (19)/Ward (9)/Uncle Jesse (2)/gentle Jesse (1)/The Jesse Ward (1) my husband (15)/My husband (6)/this man (4)/lady (3)/The man (3)/baby (3)/a husband (2)/a man I do not know (1)/someone (1)/your husband (1)/that man (1)/a silly man (1)/dear (1)/a dad (1)/A husband (1)/a quiet John - Boy (1)/The man who ’s given me three beautiful kids (1)
801 Jacob (147)/John (122)/John - Boy (59)/Baby (7)/baby John - Boy (2)/Jake (1)/rival John (1)/Mrs. John (1)/Baby John - Boy (1)/John - Boy , who ’s dancing on my lap (1) my boy (5)/his uncle (3)/his brother (3)/girl (2)/baby (2)/boy (2)/you bastard (2)/this kid (2)/My boy (1)/My beautiful , laid - back boy (1)/His brother (1)/that man of yours (1)/dear (1)/his lady friend (1)/my baby (1)/buddy (1)/my fucking hero (1)/a good man (1)/a John (1)/a goner (1)/my new baby boy (1)/his daddy (1)/his son (1)/his boy (1)/The kid (1)/the boy (1)/This kid (1)
685 Mum (69)/Elsie (60)/Hugo (6) darling (7)/Ava ’s mother (5)/my wife (3)/your mother (2)/this woman (2)/my mother (2)/his mum (2)/Your mother (1)/The girl (1)/my little girl (1)/our mum (1)/my girl (1)/her daughter (1)/the woman (1)/a new woman (1)/You bastard (1)/a girl (1)/a boy (1)/the grandson of some friends (1)/this boy (1)/boy (1)/Dad (1)/Good girl (1)/their mum (1)/her new brother (1)/a breast man (1)/little lady (1)
285 Dad (58) the boy (2)/Your dad (1)/buddy (1)/your dad (1)/his dad (1)/their father (1)/your father (1)/my boy (1)/sir (1)/the kid (1)/The boy (1)/The poor kid (1)
281 Lauren (53)/Auntie Lauren (1) a dead man (2)/this woman (1)/that woman (1)
274 Elizabeth (45)/Betty (21) my mother (8)/My mother (2)/my mum (1)/the woman I trust most in the world (1)/Ava ’s mother (1)/Your mother (1)/her daughter (1)/my daughter (1)/my wife (1)/his daughter (1)/his girl (1)/his mother (1)/her mum (1)
241 Sam (94)/Samuel (1)/Uncle Sam (1)
240 Mr. Ward (54)/Ward (1) a perfect student (1)/a good kid (1)
146 Raya (61)/the beautiful Raya (1)/the lovely Raya (1)
138 Uncle Carmichael (6)/Carmichael (2) this man (7)/my oldest friend (2)/The man who has been by my side for over thirty years (1)/My uncle ’s best friend (1)/my best friend (1)/this amazing man (1)/this man who has been here (1)/My best friend (1)/My new friend (1)/my uncle (1)/my uncle ’s best friend (1)/This man (1)/a man (1)
128 Drew (77)/Uncle Drew (1)
113 Zara (39)/Zara Cross (1)
78 God (30)/Motherfucking God (1) sir (4)/Sir (2)/Her driver (1)/my tittering wife (1)/my wife (1)
67 Dada (11)
63 Argh (2) mate (7)/a friend (1)/my mate (1)/his girlfriend (1)/man (1)
60 Lord (1) your dad (9)/my boy (8)/My boy (4)/her brother (2)/a boy (2)/The kid (1)/your boy (1)/mate (1)/her husband (1)/My father (1)/buddy (1)/her boy (1)/an alarmed Jacob (1)/My gorgeous , sweet , thoughtful boy (1)/sweet , thoughtful boy (1)/A boy (1)/my baby boy (1)
40 Dr. Peters (11)
39 Lonny (22)
30 Joseph (10) his wife (3)/a woman (2)/No woman (1)/the woman he ’d made love to was you (1)
26 John (9)/John Wayne (1) the bastard (1)/the smug bastard (1)
25 Matt (7)
21 Mrs. Chilton (4)
21 Mooch (1)
20 Ouch (3)
14 PC Barnes (7)
12 Mummy (6)
11 Ish (1)
11 darling (3)/Darling (1)
11 Comprehension (1)
11 Peanut Junior (4)
10 Georgia (8)/little Georgia (1)
10 Knackered (1)
9 Motherfucker (4)
9 One (1)
8 Giuseppe Cavalli (1) the master of light (1)
8 Assessments (1)
7 Rosie (5)
7 Mama (2)
6 Lusso (6)
6 Booby (1)
5 Straps (1)
5 Pap (5)
5 Addie (1)
4 Yoga (1)
4 Everyone (3)
4 Robbie (2)
4 Clarita (4)
3 Sun - Pat (2)/Pat (1)
3 Jaw (1)
3 Angelic (1)
3 Sarcasm (1)
3 Imogen (3)
3 Amateurs (1)
2 Heat (1)
2 Screwed (1)
2 Mass Destruction (2)
2 Sonny (1)
2 Retribution (1)/Retribution Fuck (1)
2 Justin Timberlake (2)
2 Fifty (2)
2 Twister (2)
2 Gaby (1)
2 Let (2)
2 Mario (2)
2 Pivoting (1)
2 Bossy (2)
2 Moody Bastard (1)/Moody (1)
2 Never (2)
2 Fucking (2)
2 Wankers (1)
2 Trample (1)
2 prick Mikael (1)
2 Fingernails (1)
2 Café Royal (2)
2 Pop - Tarts (2)
2 Pimm (2)

Major entities (proper, common)

FAC

1 Park Lane
1 The Manor
1 The Manor Golf Resort and Spa
1 St. Andrews
1 Rococo Union
1 St. Katharine Docks
1 Hyde Park
1 Jesse ’s Aston
1 Café Royal
1 Regent Street

62 the kitchen/the bedroom/the fridge/The hallway/the house alive with the sound of the twins from the kitchen/the pantry/that kitchen/the room/the house
60 home/the house/Home
45 the stairs/the unstable old staircase
43 the room/the spare room/Ava ’s room/her room/the small room/the family room
30 the road/the street/Our road/The road
28 here/the area/the new rooms I had built here/this very shop/our home
22 the house/The garden/the kitchen/the garden
19 the hospital/the car park of the hospital
18 the garden/the lawn
17 school

GPE

7 Georgia
6 London
2 Newquay
2 Paradise
1 loo - la
1 Lusso
1 Australia
1 Rococo Union
1 Oxford

7 the city/a village/the quaint village
5 town
2 the States
2 this place
1 the community
1 the vicinity
1 the country
1 The Manor
1 the town
1 a state

LOC

19 the island
9 the world/The world
6 this world
5 the coast
4 the sea/The sea
3 earth
3 the beach
2 the planet
2 the outskirts of the city
2 this earth

PER

950 Ava/Ward/Ava Ward/Ava O’Shea/Lord
342 Jacob/John/John - Boy/Baby/baby John - Boy/Jake/rival John/Mrs. John/Baby John - Boy/John - Boy , who ’s dancing on my lap
329 Maddie/Sarah/Cherry/Jesus/Daddy/Mrs. Ward/Nan/Ward/Christ/Jesus Christ/miss Cherry/Lord/max/Girl/Mrs. A. Ward
231 Jesse/Jesse Ward/Ward/Uncle Jesse/gentle Jesse/The Jesse Ward
158 Kate
135 Mum/Elsie/Hugo
96 Sam/Samuel/Uncle Sam
78 Drew/Uncle Drew
66 Elizabeth/Betty
63 Raya/the beautiful Raya/the lovely Raya

249 my wife/lady/My wife/my God/baby/her husband/the woman/girl/wife/woman/her daughter/Ava ’s mother/my girl/The woman/my mate/a young lady/her daddy/darling/her mother/little lady/Good girl/You bastard/dear/Drew ’s daughter/This woman/my lady/my silly wife/this lady/Your wife/your wife/My beautiful girl/My strong , feisty wife/her mum/my mother/the man who would lay down his life for her/the woman you feel/Her husband/this woman/An old friend/my uncle ’s girlfriend/This man/This man who is her husband/This man who loves her with a fierceness that ’s debilitating for both of us/That woman/Your friend/Your uncle/Your uncle ’s girlfriend who ’s in love with you/your friend/his companion/my lord/a woman/a fucking lunatic/the crazy - mad one/the woman outside my office/the woman who ’s on the threshold of her office/my annoyed wife/the most enthralling person I ’ve ever encountered/my devious wife/The friend from yoga/my daughter/a goddess/a shimmering goddess/my baby girl/my lovely wife/The sneaky little bitch/another person/your ex - wife/your dead daughter/the man she loves/a crazy woman/a fucking psychopathic , merciless woman with a fucked - up vendetta/The man/my hero/his best friend/my Lord/my superstar/a sensible girl/your wedded wife/his mother
132 my wife/baby/lady/My wife/my daughter/this woman/My lady/your husband/Her husband/the woman/My daughter/woman/Silly girl/The woman/This woman/my girl/My gorgeous wife/The man she loves/wife/Every woman/My Lord/my god/the handsomest man I ’ve ever laid eyes on/you gorgeous god/Her Lord/a young , healthy woman/the Lord/Ava ’s best friend/my mum/Your wife/The strongest woman I ’ve ever met/a kinky bitch/your wife/the only person in this world who can/this Sarah/Your friend/the woman who nearly tore us apart/The woman who whipped you/girl/the weakest man/My baby girl/your girl/The mother of my children/my children/the most passionate man I ’ve ever met/the lady of the moment/our daughter/the one who lost her memory/Ava ’s new friend/the one she ’s been doing yoga with all these weeks , having coffee and going on shopping trips with/my murderous ex - wife/sir/the baby/this new woman
132 the kids/The kids/the twins/my kids/the children from school/The twins/my children/the children/Neither of them/the girls on reception/Our family/her own children/my wife/all of them/my two/kids/children/three beautiful kids
84 baby/my wife/lady/your mother/My wife/the baby/my beautiful wife/Ava ’s best friend/my girl , who ’s now looking up at her in question/her friend/a stranger to her/Your wife/one of those people in this world who you ca n’t help but respect , even if you do n’t always agree with her/that young woman in her mind/My angel/My Ava/her mother/your fucking mother/the most handsome man I ’ve ever laid eyes on/the woman wearing it/The woman wearing it shines brighter/Kate ’s baby girl/That woman/That baby
59 the twins/The twins/the kids/your children/her parents/both of the twins/toddlers/my beautiful wife/my beautiful children
46 my husband/My husband/this man/lady/The man/baby/a husband/a man I do not know/someone/your husband/that man/a silly man/dear/a dad/A husband/a quiet John - Boy/The man who ’s given me three beautiful kids
44 the doctor/The doctor/Doctor
43 darling/Ava ’s mother/my wife/your mother/this woman/my mother/his mum/Your mother/The girl/my little girl/our mum/my girl/her daughter/the woman/a new woman/You bastard/a girl/a boy/the grandson of some friends/this boy/boy/Dad/Good girl/their mum/her new brother/a breast man/little lady
40 my boy/his uncle/his brother/girl/baby/boy/you bastard/this kid/My boy/My beautiful , laid - back boy/His brother/that man of yours/dear/his lady friend/my baby/buddy/my fucking hero/a good man/a John/a goner/my new baby boy/his daddy/his son/his boy/The kid/the boy/This kid
37 your dad/my boy/My boy/her brother/a boy/The kid/your boy/mate/her husband/My father/buddy/her boy/an alarmed Jacob/My gorgeous , sweet , thoughtful boy/sweet , thoughtful boy/A boy/my baby boy

ORG

2 The club
1 the damn health club
1 a company called Rococo Union
1 my own design company
1 the maternity unit

VEH

1 my DB9 Volante

44 the car/your car/Drew ’s car/Whose car
17 my car/the car/your car
7 an ambulance/An ambulance
6 the ambulance
6 cars/the cars/Bikes/dangerous machines
6 the bike
5 my bike
4 Rowing boats/rowing boats
3 a taxi
3 my stolen car/the car

Text

Chapter 1 The pounding of [my]0-i feet on [the treadmill]181-the treadmill is rhythmic and comforting . The sound of Imagine [Dragons]22-dragons“ Believer ”[22-dragons] on [my]0-i iPhone is muffled by the pulse throbbing in [my]0-i ears . The hammering of [my]0-i heart tells [me]0-i [I]0-i ’m alive . Not that [I]0-i need to run until [I]0-i ca n’t feel [my]0-i legs to achieve that anymore . [My]0-i pace increases , [my]0-i breath beginning to become labored as [my]0-i run turns into a sprint . Sweat is pouring down [my]0-i bare chest as [I]0-i watch the clock across [the gym]182-the gym , eyeing the second hand slowly roll around the dial . Two more minutes . Keep the pace for two more minutes . Yet when the time has ticked down and the machine automatically starts to slow , [my]0-i legs do not . [I]0-i smack [my]0-i hand on the plus button to increase the pace again , [my]0-i ego refusing to let [me]0-i stop just yet . One more mile . [I]0-i crank up the volume and sprint on for a while longer , pushing air steadily through [my]0-i nose , roughly wiping away the sweat rolling down [my]0-i forehead . Glancing down at the screen on [the treadmill]181-the treadmill , [I]0-i note [my]0-i distance . Fifteen miles . Done . [I]0-i slam [my]0-i fist on the button and let the machine work [me]0-i down to a gentle jog , yanking the buds out of [my]0-i ears and grabbing [my]0-i T - shirt to wipe [my]0-i wet face . [You]1999-you did it faster yesterday , [[you]1999-you stubborn motherfucker]2000-you stubborn motherfucker . ”[0-i] [My]0-i feet slow to a stop and [I]0-i brace [my]0-i hands on the handles , dropping [my]0-i head while [I]0-i work to level out [my]0-i breathing . “ Fuck [you]1999-you , ”[0-i] [I]0-i manage to wheeze , turning to face one of [[my]0-i oldest friends]184-my oldest friends . [John]23-john ’s shit - eating grin , the one that displays [his]23-john gold tooth to its fullest , makes [me]0-i want to knock it out . [He]23-john chuckles , low and rumbling , throwing a towel at [my]0-i chest . “ Still not come to terms with it , then ? ”[23-john] Stepping down off the treadmill , [I]0-i wipe [my]0-i soaked chest before shoving the towel back at [him]23-john . “ No idea what [you]23-john ’re on about . ”[0-i] [I]0-i ’m lying . [I]0-i know exactly what [the bastard]23-john is on about , and [I]0-i ’m sick to fucking death of being wound up about it . [I]0-i ’m not even sure how it ’s happened — where the time has gone . Because , [Lord]185-lord help [me]0-i , [I]0-i ’m fifty this weekend . Fifty fucking years old . [My]0-i ego is dented more each time [I]0-i think about it . [I]0-i make [my]0-i way over to the water cooler , [John]23-john following behind . “ Fifty suits [you]23-john . ”[23-john] [I]0-i roll [my]0-i eyes as [I]0-i grab a cup and shove it under the tap . “ Did [you]23-john want something ? ”[0-i] Another mild chuckle sounds from behind [me]0-i as [I]0-i glug down the water and turn to face [the smug bastard]23-john . [I]0-i do n’t know what [he]23-john ’s so tickled pink about . [John]23-john ’s knocking on sixty , though [you]186-you ’d never know it . [He]23-john ’s still in prime shape , not that [I]0-i ’d ever tell [him]23-john so . “ The new weight machines are arriving later . ”[23-john] [You]186-you good to take care of that ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i ask , refilling [my]0-i cup . “ No problem . ”[0-i] “ Thanks . ”[0-i] [I]0-i glance around [the gym floor of [the health club]188-the health club [I]0-i own]187-the gym floor of the health club i own , the space alive with music , sweat , and pounding hearts . [Disciples]24-disciples“ Daylight ”[24-disciples] is booming , adrenaline pumping , shouts of encouragement ringing out . Turns out [I]0-i missed owning [a club]189-a club after all . Not the sex and the indulgence of [The Manor]190-the manor , but [the community]191-the community , the social aspect , and the day - to - day running of a business . So [I]0-i opened a new business , this one not so secret but still pretty exclusive . [JW]25-jw ’s Fitness & Spa has gone from strength to strength since opening its doors six years ago . “ Where ’s [Ava]238-ava ? ”[23-john] [John]23-john takes [my]0-i empty cup from [my]0-i hand and tosses it in the bin before wandering away . “ In [the office]192-the office . ”[23-john] In [the office]192-the office ? A smile spreads across [my]0-i face as [I]0-i take off across [the gym]192-the office , the thrumming of [my]0-i pulse building again , except this time it ’s dropped into [my]0-i shorts . [My]0-i pace quickens , and [I]0-i bowl into [the office]192-the office , [my]0-i plan mastered … and screech to a halt when [I]0-i find no [Ava]238-ava . [I]0-i scowl at the empty space and pull [my]0-i phone from [my]0-i pocket , dialing [her]238-ava as [I]0-i stalk toward the desk . “ Hey , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava answers , sounding a bit exasperated . [I]0-i do n’t ask why . At this moment in time , [I]0-i ’m really not interested . “ Where are [you]0-i ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i drop down into the chair at [her]238-ava desk . “ In [the spa]2001-the spa . ”[0-i] [You]0-i have three seconds to get [your]0-i arse to [[your]0-i office]2002-your office , ”[0-i] [I]0-i tell [her]238-ava , smirking a little when [I]0-i hear [her]238-ava gasp . [I]0-i ’m all the way across [the club]2003-the club . ”[0-i] [I]0-i shrug to [myself]0-i . “ Three , ”[0-i] [I]0-i whisper , kicking [my]0-i feet up onto [her]238-ava desk and relaxing back . [Jesse]454-jesse , [I]0-i ’m trying to sort out a disagreement between [staff]2004-staff . ”[0-i] “ Do n’t care . Two . ”[0-i] “ Oh , for fuck ’s sake . ”[0-i] [My]0-i jaw rolls with irritation . [You]454-jesse ’ll pay for that . One . ”[238-ava] The sound of [her]238-ava rushed steps seeps down the line , and [I]0-i smile , victorious . [Ticktock]28-ticktock , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say casually , reaching down to rearrange [my]0-i jutting cock . [We]2005-we ’re at work . ”[0-i] [I]0-i scoff . “ Wherever , whenever . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava knows that . [You]454-jesse ’re very demanding , [Jesse Ward]454-jesse . ”[238-ava] The huskiness of [her]238-ava voice forces [me]0-i to inhale , deeply and controlled . Yes , [she]238-ava sometimes still runs away from [me]0-i , but sometimes [she]238-ava runs to [me]0-i . Like now . When [she]238-ava knows [I]0-i ’m charged and waiting in [the office]192-the office . [My]0-i eyes fall to the door , energy surging through [me]0-i . Come on , [baby]194-kate . [I]0-i hear [her]238-ava hustling down [the corridor]195-the corridor toward [the office]192-the office , and then the door swings open . And there [she]238-ava is . [[My]0-i gorgeous wife]238-ava . [She]238-ava looks no different from the day [I]0-i met [her]238-ava . Sexy . Beautiful . The perfect mix of elegance and sass . “ Zero , [baby]194-kate , ”[0-i] [I]0-i murmur , cutting [our]196-our call and tossing [my]0-i phone on [her]238-ava desk . A familiar shiver bumps its way up [my]0-i spine , and [I]0-i smile , taking in every fucking perfect inch of [her]238-ava . [She]238-ava places a hand on the door frame , leaning into it as [she]238-ava chews [her]238-ava lip , eyes full of delight . Delight at seeing [me]0-i . [[Her]238-ava husband]238-ava . [The man [she]238-ava loves]238-ava . “ Good day ? ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava asks . “ It ’s better now , ”[0-i] [I]0-i admit . “ Are [you]238-ava going to make it even better ? ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava greedy stare drinks [me]0-i in . [I]0-i love it . [I]0-i love how [she]238-ava ca n’t control [her]238-ava need to ogle [me]0-i constantly , either . Yeah , so [I]0-i ’m fifty this weekend . So fucking what . [I]0-i ’ve still got it . [I]0-i suddenly feel like the god [she]238-ava thinks [I]0-i am . The god [I]0-i know [I]0-i am . “ Well ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i prompt . [She]238-ava knows that there ’s only one right answer to this question . [She]238-ava shrugs , playing it cool . Such a waste of [her]238-ava time . And [mine]0-i . “ Do n’t play games with [me]0-i , [lady]238-ava . ”[0-i] [You]238-ava love [our]2007-our games . ”[238-ava] “ Not as much as [I]0-i love being buried to the hilt inside [you]238-ava . ”[0-i] [I]0-i drop [my]0-i feet from the desk and stand . [You]238-ava ’re wasting valuable time . Come here . ”[0-i] “ Come get [me]238-ava . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava shuts the door behind [her]238-ava and flips the lock as [I]0-i stalk forward , [her]238-ava eyes shining harder with each step [I]0-i take . [Her]238-ava body tenses , preparing for [my]0-i attack . Every nerve ending [I]0-i have is alive and screaming for [her]238-ava . A swift dip and grab has [her]238-ava over [my]0-i shoulder , and [I]0-i ’m on [my]0-i way back to [the desk]197-the desk . [She]238-ava ’s laughing , [her]238-ava palms sliding under the waistband of [my]0-i shorts onto [my]0-i arse . [She]238-ava squeezes , digging [her]238-ava nails into the flesh . [You]238-ava ’re all sweaty . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i lay [her]238-ava on the desk and spread [myself]0-i all over [her]238-ava , pinning [her]238-ava in place with one hand while sliding [her]238-ava dress up [her]238-ava body as [she]238-ava wriggles defiantly . Pointlessly . “ Stop fighting [me]0-i , [baby]238-ava , ”[0-i] [I]0-i warn , pulling it up over [her]238-ava head and tossing the material aside before going for the knickers . [I]0-i smile at the lace concealing [her]238-ava from [me]0-i , reaching down with [my]0-i mouth and taking the side between [my]0-i teeth . [Jesse]454-jesse ! ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava yells , head tossing back and forth , [her]238-ava body writhing . [I]0-i laugh under [my]0-i breath . The play for power never gets old . “ Who has the power ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i ask , ripping the material from [her]238-ava waist and spitting it out . [You]454-jesse , [you]454-jesse fucking control freak ! ”[0-i] “ Watch [your]454-jesse mouth ! ”[0-i] [I]0-i pull the cups of [her]238-ava bra down and shove [my]0-i shorts down [my]0-i thighs , freeing [my]0-i raging hard - on . Heavy eyes lift to [mine]0-i as [she]238-ava sits up , takes hold of [my]0-i cock , and executes a deadly stroke down the shaft . [My]0-i torso folds , the sensation of [her]238-ava warm palm surrounding [my]0-i flesh overwhelming . “ Fuck , [Ava]238-ava , ”[238-ava] [I]0-i choke out , resting [my]0-i hands on [her]238-ava shoulders , [my]0-i chin dropped to [my]0-i chest . [I]0-i ’m sure [I]0-i could chase the moon and catch it when [you]238-ava ’re touching [me]0-i . ”[0-i] [I]0-i ’m pretty sure [I]0-i could do anything . [I]0-i ’m invincible , indestructible . Yet [I]0-i ’m so utterly vulnerable , too . [She]238-ava lowers back down to the desk and arches , [her]238-ava breathing shallow , [her]238-ava face damp and flushed . The sight is out of [this world]198-this world , the sounds magic . “ Fuck [me]238-ava , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava demands , impatient and eager . “ Please , fuck [me]238-ava . ”[238-ava] “ Watch [your]238-ava mouth , [Ava]238-ava , ”[0-i] [I]0-i warn , taking [her]238-ava behind the knees and yanking [her]238-ava forward . [I]0-i have every intention of fucking [you]238-ava , [wife]238-ava . Hard . Fast . ”[0-i] The wonderful heat of [her]238-ava pussy is pulling [me]0-i in like a magnet . The burning need in [me]0-i intensifies . “ Oh , [Jesus]26-maddie , [baby]26-maddie . ”[0-i] [I]0-i bend and kiss each nipple in turn before standing and ramming forward unforgivingly , panting like a motherfucker as [she]238-ava screams through the shock . It ’s always as good as the first time . [Her]238-ava hands fly up over [her]238-ava head to cling onto the side of the desk . “ Oh God ! ”[0-i] [I]0-i grit [my]0-i teeth , withdrawing and driving forward . Hard . [Jesse]454-jesse ! ”[0-i] [You]454-jesse like that , [lady]454-jesse ? ”[238-ava] “ Harder , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava demands , [her]238-ava eyes wild . “ Remind [me]238-ava . ”[238-ava] “ Of what ? ”[0-i] “ Anything . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava flexes [her]238-ava hips , egging [me]0-i on . “ Show [me]238-ava who has the power . ”[238-ava] [My]0-i smile is wide and satisfied as [I]0-i watch [her]238-ava waiting for [me]0-i to do as [she]238-ava ’s ordered . But [I]0-i wo n’t . Not until [she]238-ava says those three magic words . [I]0-i abruptly stop and hold still , buried deep in [her]238-ava warmth , waiting . “ Say it , ”[0-i] [I]0-i breathe , dropping [my]0-i torso to [hers]238-ava and kissing the side of [her]238-ava mouth . “ Give [me]238-ava what [I]238-ava want and [I]238-ava ’ll give [you]238-ava want [you]238-ava want . ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava face turns into [mine]0-i , catching [my]0-i lips sweetly . [I]238-ava love [you]238-ava , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava mumbles around [our]199-our rolling tongues . “ So much . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i smile against [her]238-ava lips and slowly push [myself]0-i back up . “ Hold on , [baby]238-ava . ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava entire body goes rigid , bracing [herself]238-ava for it . [I]0-i do n’t hold back . Never will . [I]0-i smash into [her]238-ava with brutal force over and over , spiking constant screams of ecstasy . It ’s like music to [my]0-i ears . But [I]0-i want to see how much [she]238-ava wants [me]0-i , so [I]0-i withdraw and place [my]0-i palms on [her]238-ava knees , pushing [her]238-ava legs back , completely exposing [her]238-ava glistening pussy . [She]238-ava ’s throbbing . “ Fucking beautiful , ”[238-ava] [I]0-i whisper in awe . [I]0-i slowly reenter [her]238-ava , dropping [my]0-i head back and finding [my]0-i pace , driving forward , plunging deep , rolling hard . “ Come on , [baby]194-kate , ”[238-ava] [I]0-i breathe , starting to sweat . “ Find it . ”[0-i] More yells . More panting . [My]0-i senses are in chaos . The blood that charges into [my]0-i cock nearly knocks [me]0-i to [my]0-i knees , [my]0-i grip of [Ava]238-ava ’s legs increasing as [I]0-i thrust on . The signs of [her]238-ava impending orgasm are all there : wide , bright eyes and [her]238-ava fingers clawing into the wood . [She]238-ava ’s going , and one look down at [her]238-ava amazing breasts has [me]0-i going with [her]238-ava . [My]0-i torso tenses and convulses , a shock wave of pleasure chasing through [my]0-i body . It ’s powerful . So fucking powerful . [I]0-i come hard , shaking like a fucking leaf while [Ava]238-ava moans through [her]238-ava release , [my]0-i fingers flexing on [her]238-ava knees . Good . Fucking . [Lord]200-lord . “ Shit , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava breathes , going lax , [her]238-ava head falling to the side , [her]238-ava eyes closing . “ Fucking hell , [Jesse]454-jesse . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i release [her]238-ava knees and collapse onto [her]238-ava , making sure [I]0-i remain tucked inside [her]238-ava , relishing in the consistent pulls of [her]238-ava walls around [my]0-i surging dick . “ Watch , ”[0-i] [I]0-i pant . [Your]454-jesse . ”[0-i] Kissing [her]238-ava sweaty cheek , [I]0-i relax all of [my]0-i weight atop of [her]238-ava . “ Mouth . ”[0-i] [You]454-jesse ’re good . ”[0-i] [I]0-i know . ”[0-i] [You]454-jesse ’re [a pighead]2009-a pighead . ”[0-i] [I]0-i know . ”[0-i] [I]0-i love [you]454-jesse . ”[0-i] [I]0-i snuggle into [her]238-ava neck and sigh . [I]0-i know . ”[0-i] [Her]238-ava arms come around [my]0-i back and hug [me]0-i tightly to [her]238-ava . [I]0-i ’m [home]201-home . Contentment flourishes within [me]0-i . [I]0-i need to go pick [the kids]2010-the kids up from [school]2011-school . ”[0-i] “ Hmmm … ”[0-i] [I]0-i ’m unable to muster any more strength to talk , let alone move . And then there ’s a knock at the door , and [I]0-i grumble , lazily pushing [myself]0-i up from [her]238-ava desk . “ Same time tomorrow ? ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava grins as [she]238-ava wriggles off the desk and starts putting [herself]238-ava back together , [my]0-i pout growing with every piece of [her]238-ava skin that [she]238-ava ’s slowly covering . “ Coming , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava calls to the door , slipping [her]238-ava dress over [her]238-ava head . [I]0-i tuck [myself]0-i into [my]0-i shorts and sit on the couch across [the room]202-the room . [You]238-ava already came . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava rolls [her]238-ava eyes at [my]0-i cheeky grin and rushes to the door , having a quick faff with [her]238-ava hair before taking the handle . [She]238-ava ’s wasting [her]238-ava time . [Her]238-ava cheeks are glowing , [her]238-ava whole being looking freshly fucked . [She]238-ava swings the door open , and [I]0-i know immediately who ’s on the other side when [I]0-i see [[my]0-i wife]238-ava ’s shoulders rise and tense . [Cherry]26-maddie , ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava says flatly , turning on [her]238-ava heel and making [her]238-ava way back to [her]238-ava desk . [She]238-ava flashes [me]0-i a look on [her]238-ava way , one that confirms what [I]0-i already know . [She]238-ava does n’t like [Cherry]26-maddie . According to [[my]0-i wife]238-ava , [the woman]238-ava has the hots for [me]0-i . [I]0-i do n’t know why this is news to [Ava]238-ava . [Every woman]238-ava has the hots for [me]0-i . [I]238-ava ’m just going to get [the twins]2012-the twins . ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava sweeps up [her]238-ava bag and throws it onto [her]238-ava shoulder . “ What ’s up ? ”[238-ava] [Cherry]26-maddie struts into [the office]192-the office and places a file on [Ava]238-ava ’s desk . [Her]26-maddie blond hair is twisted tightly into a bun high on [her]26-maddie head , and [her]26-maddie white shirt has a few too many buttons open , in [my]0-i opinion . [I]0-i ’m not purposely looking . [You]204-you just ca n’t help but notice . “ The membership reports [you]204-you asked for . ”[204-you] “ Perfect . [I]238-ava ’ll look at [them]2013-them tomorrow . ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava makes [her]238-ava way to the door , casting [her]238-ava eyes over to [me]0-i where [I]0-i ’m sprawled on the couch . “ Walk [me]0-i out . ”[0-i] It ’s not a question . [I]0-i grin . [[My]0-i wife]238-ava ’s feeling all possessive . Getting up from the couch , [I]0-i fetch [my]0-i T - shirt from [Ava]238-ava ’s desk and throw it on as [I]0-i stride to the door . [I]0-i do n’t [miss Cherry]26-maddie ’s admiring stare as [I]0-i pull the shirt down [my]0-i torso , and neither does [[my]0-i wife]238-ava . “ Let ’s go . ”[0-i] [I]0-i collect [Ava]238-ava and get [us]205-us on [our]205-us way before [her]26-maddie claws come out . [She]26-maddie fancies [you]238-ava , ”[26-maddie] [she]26-maddie grumbles , wrapping an arm around [my]0-i waist . “ If [she]26-maddie was n’t so good at [her]26-maddie job and [I]0-i did n’t need [her]26-maddie so much , [she]26-maddie ’d be gone . ”[0-i] [I]0-i laugh . [She]26-maddie ’s not done anything wrong . ”[0-i] “ Yeah , [she]26-maddie has . [She]26-maddie looks at [you]238-ava . ”[0-i] [I]0-i tug [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie more firmly into [my]0-i side . [You]238-ava ca n’t trample staff for looking at [me]0-i . ”[0-i] “ What would [you]238-ava do if [a male employee]2014-a male employee looked at [me]31-heat like that ? ”[31-heat] [Heat]31-heat . It ’s instant in [my]0-i veins , and it ’s not the satisfying kind . [My]0-i growl is automatic , and [she]26-maddie laughs , breaking away from [me]0-i when [we]207-we make it to the bottom of the stairs in [the reception area]208-the reception area . [I]26-maddie do n’t think so , [lady]26-maddie . ”[26-maddie] [I]0-i yank [her]26-maddie back and crowd [her]26-maddie with [my]0-i arms . “ Do n’t say shit that will make [me]26-maddie crazy mad . ”[26-maddie] [I]0-i slam [my]0-i lips on [hers]26-maddie and devour [her]26-maddie for a few mind - spinning moments . “ See [you]26-maddie at [home]201-home . ”[26-maddie] [I]0-i bite [her]26-maddie lip and pull away , smiling as [I]0-i back up at [her]26-maddie obvious daze . [She]26-maddie ’s forgotten where [she]26-maddie was heading . “ Go pick up [the kids]2010-the kids , ”[26-maddie] [I]0-i remind [her]26-maddie . [She]26-maddie shakes [herself]26-maddie back to life and glances around [the reception space]209-the reception space . [No one]210-no one ’s paying any attention . [They]211-they all know how [we]212-our operate . This is n’t just [our]212-our normal anymore , it ’s [[our]212-our staff]213-our staff ’s normal . Has to be if [they]211-they want to keep [their]211-they jobs . Off [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie goes , and [I]0-i start counting down the minutes until [I]0-i can go [home]201-home and see [[my]0-i babies]216-my babies . Chapter 2 As [I]0-i ride [my]0-i Ducati up [the long driveway of [[our]212-our little manor]218-our little manor]217-the long driveway of our little manor , peace settles over [me]0-i . [[Ava]238-ava ’s car]219-ava ’s car is in its usual place , the boot open . Coming to a stop next to [her]238-ava Mini , [I]0-i pull off [my]0-i helmet and scan [the filthy vehicle]220-the filthy vehicle . The black paintwork looks dusty , dull , and old . [You]2017-you do n’t see dust on white , ”[0-i] [I]0-i mutter to [myself]0-i . “ And [you]2017-you can get more shopping bags into [a Range Rover]2018-a range rover . ”[0-i] [I]0-i may have forced [the biggest , sturdiest vehicle on [her]238-ava one time]221-the biggest , sturdiest vehicle on her one time , but [she]238-ava finally talked [me]0-i around and got [her]238-ava faithful Mini back . [Ava]238-ava appears at the front door , [her]238-ava steps faltering when [she]238-ava spots [me]0-i by [[my]0-i bike]222-my bike . Holding [her]238-ava dark chocolate gaze , [I]0-i rest [my]0-i arse on the seat and [my]0-i helmet on [my]0-i lap , crossing [my]0-i legs at the ankles . Well , is n’t this the best welcome [home]201-home [a man]224-a man could ask for ? [I]0-i take [my]0-i time to admire [her]238-ava . [She]238-ava still looks freshly fucked . [[My]238-ava lady]238-ava , ”[238-ava] [I]0-i say , [my]0-i tone automatically gravelly . [She]238-ava brushes [her]238-ava hair over [her]238-ava shoulder . [[My]238-ava Lord]238-ava . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i find [myself]0-i shifting to adjust [my]0-i growing hard - on behind the fly of [my]0-i leathers . [Her]238-ava restrained grin tells [me]0-i [she]238-ava knows of the activity [she]238-ava ’s spiked down there , and for a moment [I]0-i consider once again how [[my]0-i wife]238-ava must feel to know that [she]238-ava still , twelve years after [we]225-we met , has this profound effect on [me]0-i . [I]0-i ca n’t get enough of [her]238-ava . [She]238-ava sashays slowly down the steps , watching [me]0-i closely until [she]238-ava gets to the rear of [[her]238-ava car]226-her car . Then [she]238-ava reaches in , accentuating the swell of [her]238-ava curvy arse , and pulls out a Tesco bag . “ Put the bag down , ”[0-i] [I]0-i tell [her]238-ava . “ Stop being so demanding . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava feigns a sigh and swivels on [her]238-ava heels , swaying [her]238-ava arse as [she]238-ava saunters up the steps with the shopping bag hanging from [her]238-ava fingers . [I]238-ava have [[your]238-ava children]2019-your children to feed . ”[238-ava] “ And [I]0-i have needs , [lady]238-ava , ”[0-i] [I]0-i call , dumping [my]0-i helmet on the seat of [[my]0-i bike]222-my bike and going in pursuit of [her]238-ava . [Ava]238-ava ! ”[238-ava] [I]0-i hear [her]238-ava laugh as [she]238-ava disappears through the doorway , and when [I]0-i land in [the kitchen]228-the kitchen , [I]0-i find [her]238-ava standing with the bag at [her]238-ava feet . [I]0-i pull to a stop and watch as [she]238-ava bends down slowly , seductively , and pulls some items from the bag . [I]0-i grin when [she]238-ava waggles a cheeky eyebrow at [me]0-i and flashes two jars of peanut butter . [I]238-ava might let [you]238-ava lick it off [me]238-ava . ”[238-ava] “ Might let [me]0-i ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i laugh , amused by [her]238-ava coyness . [Ava]238-ava , [you]238-ava ’ve been married to [me]0-i for over a decade . Have n’t [you]238-ava learned yet ? ”[0-i] [I]238-ava have the power , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava whispers , sliding the jars onto the worktop and pouting [her]238-ava full lips . [I]0-i find [myself]0-i doubling over to stop [my]0-i cock from breaking free of [my]0-i leathers . [Ava]238-ava , unless now is a good time to bend [you]238-ava over the worktop and fuck [you]238-ava blind , do n’t be teasing [me]26-maddie . ”[26-maddie] [Jesus]26-maddie , [I]0-i ’ve had to control where [I]0-i can take [her]238-ava since [the twins]2012-the twins were born . [My]0-i willpower is wearing thin . Maybe it ’s [my]0-i age . [I]0-i shake that thought quickly away before it has a chance to ruin [my]0-i mood . [You]238-ava need to talk to [Maddie]26-maddie . ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava ’s statement comes from nowhere . [I]0-i scoff . Nope . No way , because [I]0-i know exactly what [[my]0-i eleven - year - old daughter]230-my eleven - year - old daughter wants to talk about . [I]230-my eleven - year - old daughter ’m not going over it again , [Ava]238-ava . End of . ”[230-my eleven - year - old daughter] [You]238-ava need to learn how to deal with [her]238-ava before [she]238-ava divorces [us]2020-us . ”[0-i] [I]0-i know how to deal with [her]238-ava . ”[0-i] [I]0-i cough indignantly . “ Locking [her]238-ava in [[her]238-ava room]2021-her room is n’t dealing with [her]238-ava . ”[0-i] [I]0-i scowl . “ Do n’t exaggerate . ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava laughs . It ’s condescending . [She]238-ava better wind [her]238-ava neck in or [she]238-ava ’ll be heading for a Retribution Fuck . [You]0-i threatened it just the other day . ”[0-i] [I]0-i ca n’t believe that [I]0-i have to explain [myself]0-i for the hundredth time . [Ava]238-ava , [she]238-ava had on a pair of denim shorts that would have fit a Barbie doll . And [she]238-ava plans on going to the school party in [them]2022-them ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i laugh at the thought . “ It is n’t happening . Not while [I]0-i ’m alive . ”[0-i] [[My]0-i wife]26-maddie rolls [her]26-maddie eyes . [They]2022-them were n’t that bad . ”[0-i] [She]26-maddie ’s eleven ! ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie ’s becoming [a young lady]26-maddie . ”[0-i] [She]26-maddie ’s becoming a pain in [my]232-a bigger one fucking arse , that ’s what [she]26-maddie ’s becoming . ”[232-a bigger one] Or [a bigger one]232-a bigger one . [You]238-ava ’re being way over the top , [Jesse]454-jesse . ”[232-a bigger one] Over the top ? [I]0-i do n’t think [I]0-i am at all . [Ava]238-ava , last week when [I]0-i picked [her]238-ava up , [some dirty little pervert]2023-some dirty little pervert was practically drooling over [her]238-ava as [she]238-ava walked from [the school gates]2024-the school gates to [[my]0-i car]235-my car . ”[0-i] [I]0-i feel the blood begin to boil in [my]0-i veins , just recalling the incident . Had [a fucking traffic warden]233-a fucking traffic warden not moved [me]0-i from [the restricted parking zone]234-the restricted parking zone , [I]0-i would have been out of [[my]0-i car]235-my car and across [the street]236-the street faster than [a roadrunner]237-a roadrunner . [She]238-ava smirks at [me]0-i . [A dirty little pervert]2023-some dirty little pervert ? ”[238-ava] “ Yes . [He]2023-some dirty little pervert ’s lucky [I]238-ava did n’t shove [his]2023-some dirty little pervert head down [his]2023-some dirty little pervert pants so [he]2023-some dirty little pervert could n’t ogle [[my]238-ava daughter]238-ava . ”[238-ava] “ And how old was [this dirty little pervert]2023-some dirty little pervert ? ”[238-ava] [I]0-i do n’t know . ”[0-i] [I]0-i brush [her]238-ava question aside , knowing exactly where [we]239-we ’re heading here . [I]238-ava do . ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava laughs again , half - amused , half - exasperated . [He]2023-some dirty little pervert ’s eleven , [Jesse]454-jesse . Just like [Maddie]26-maddie . [His]2023-some dirty little pervert name is [Kyle]33-kyle and [he]2023-some dirty little pervert ’s in [Maddie]26-maddie ’s class . [He]2023-some dirty little pervert has a crush , that ’s all . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i snort and head for the fridge . [He]2023-some dirty little pervert ’s [a pervert]2025-a pervert , ”[0-i] [I]0-i state with utter finality , daring [her]238-ava to continue the discussion as [I]0-i rummage through the top shelf looking for [my]0-i Sun - Pat peanut butter . But [I]0-i should know [my]0-i defiant little temptress by now . And [she]238-ava dares to continue . [Jacob]60-jacob has a crush on [a girl]2026-a girl , ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava says casually . [I]0-i turn away from the fridge , seeing [her]238-ava collecting the jars of peanut butter off the counter and moving over to the cupboard . [[My]0-i boy]240-my boy has a crush ? The only crush [he]240-my boy has that [I]0-i know of is a crush on football . [The kid]240-my boy ’s mad for it . “ Does that make [[your]2027-you boy]240-my boy [a pervert]2025-a pervert ? ”[240-my boy] [My]0-i lips twist as [I]0-i return to the fridge and continue searching for [my]0-i comfort food . “ Why are [you]2027-you doing this ? ”[0-i] “ Because [[our]2029-our children]2030-our children are growing up and [you]2027-you need to let [them]2030-our children do that . [Maddie]26-maddie ’s going to the school party , and [you]2027-you are not chaperoning [her]26-maddie . It is n’t cool to take [[your]2027-you dad]240-my boy . ”[240-my boy] [She]26-maddie is n’t damn well going without [me]0-i , ”[0-i] [I]0-i snap , slamming the fridge door . “ Where ’s [my]0-i fucking [Sun - Pat]35-sun - pat ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i swing around and find [[my]0-i wife]238-ava holding out a new jar , [her]238-ava eyebrows high and knowing . [I]0-i swipe it from [her]238-ava grasp without so much as a thank - [you]242-you and whip off the lid . [My]0-i finger goes in , sweeps around the edge , and [I]0-i plunge the big dollop into [my]0-i mouth , still scowling at [[my]0-i wife]238-ava , who is now shaking [her]238-ava head in dismay . [She]238-ava can shake [her]238-ava head all [she]238-ava likes . [[My]0-i daughter]238-ava is n’t going to the school party without [me]0-i , and [she]238-ava definitely is n’t going in those denim shorts . “ Where is [Maddie]26-maddie , anyway ? ”[238-ava] [I]0-i ask [Ava]238-ava ’s back , not missing the opportunity to relish the sight of [her]238-ava arse . That arse . [I]0-i want to bite it . [She]238-ava ’s waiting for [[her]238-ava daddy]26-maddie to get [home]201-home so [she]238-ava can butter [him]1256-dad up . ”[0-i] “ Butter [me]26-maddie up how ? ”[26-maddie] [Daddy]26-maddie ! ”[26-maddie] [Maddie]26-maddie ’s squeal of delight — a totally fake squeal , it should be noted — stops [my]0-i questioning in its tracks . Oh no . [She]238-ava called [me]0-i [Daddy]26-maddie . Not [Dad]1256-dad . [I]0-i just know the puppy - dog eyes are coming . [I]0-i do the wisest thing [I]0-i can . [I]0-i put down [my]0-i peanut butter and edge out of [the kitchen]228-the kitchen without making eye contact . [I]0-i ’ll be fucked . [Screwed]38-screwed . [I]38-screwed need to get changed . ”[38-screwed] [I]0-i bomb out of the door , hearing [Maddie]26-maddie in pursuit . [Daddy]26-maddie , wait ! ”[26-maddie] [I]0-i have things to do , ”[0-i] [I]0-i call behind [me]0-i as [I]0-i race up [the stairs]244-the stairs , catching a glimpse of [her]26-maddie long chocolate hair bouncing over [her]26-maddie shoulders as [she]26-maddie chases after [me]0-i . “ Speak to [Mum]32-mum . ”[26-maddie] [Mum]32-mum said [I]0-i needed to speak to [you]32-mum ! ”[0-i] [I]0-i just make it to the top when [I]0-i feel something around [my]0-i ankle . “ Fuck ! ”[0-i] [I]0-i lose [my]0-i footing and trip up the top step , crashing down to the carpet in a heap . [Daddy]26-maddie , watch [your]26-maddie mouth ! ”[0-i] [Maddie]26-maddie , for crying out loud ! ”[0-i] “ Then do n’t run away from [me]0-i , and face up to [your]26-maddie responsibilities . ”[0-i] “ Excuse [me]0-i ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i roll over to [my]0-i back and sit up , finding [[my]0-i girl]245-my girl lying across the final few steps of [the staircase]246-the staircase , [her]245-my girl small hand still wrapped around [my]0-i ankle , [her]245-my girl head tilted far back to look up at [me]0-i . [She]245-my girl ’s already fluttering [her]245-my girl lashes , the little minx . [My]245-my girl responsibilities ? ”[245-my girl] “ Yes . ”[245-my girl] [She]245-my girl releases [my]0-i foot and pushes [herself]245-my girl to [her]245-my girl feet , and [I]0-i only mildly register that [she]245-my girl has on jeans and a jumper . Long jeans and a long - sleeved jumper . This should please [me]0-i , yet it does n’t . Because this is [my]0-i little live wire of [a daughter]247-her mother , and [she]247-her mother ’s a little fucker when [she]247-her mother wants to be . Like , all the time . And like now when [I]0-i know [she]247-her mother ’s only covered from top to toe because , in the words of [[her]247-her mother mother]247-her mother , [she]247-her mother ’s trying to butter [me]0-i up . It wo n’t work . [Maddie]26-maddie sighs , shaking [her]247-her mother head at [me]0-i . [Dad]1256-dad — ”[26-maddie] “ Oh , so it ’s [Dad]1256-dad now , is it ? ”[247-her mother] [Her]247-her mother jaw tightens , and [she]247-her mother looks at [me]0-i in a way that only [[her]247-her mother mother]247-her mother can rival . Like [she]247-her mother could cut off [my]0-i dick with [her]247-her mother glare . “ It ’s not fair ! All [[my]247-her mother friends]2032-my friends are going , and [[their]2032-my friends parents]2032-my friends are okay with it . Why do [you]1256-dad have to be [the one]2033-the one to ruin all the fun ? ”[247-her mother] “ Because [I]0-i love [you]1256-dad , ”[0-i] [I]0-i mutter , getting to [my]0-i feet . “ Because [I]0-i know there are [some idiot boys]2034-some idiot boys out there who will want to kiss [you]1256-dad . ”[0-i] What the fuck am [I]0-i saying ? The fact that [[my]0-i girl]245-my girl would probably rip off the balls of any potential kisser , probably better than even [I]0-i could , is beside the point . It ’s [my]0-i job to protect [her]247-her mother . “ And stalk [me]247-her mother , ”[247-her mother] [she]247-her mother retorts , making [me]0-i recoil . “ What do [you]1256-dad mean ? ”[247-her mother] [I]0-i do n’t like the smug look on [her]247-her mother face . The look that suggests [she]247-her mother has dirt on [me]0-i . [I]0-i narrow [my]0-i eyes on [her]247-her mother , waiting for it . “ Like [you]1256-dad stalked [Mum]32-mum . ”[0-i] [I]0-i gasp . [I]0-i did n’t stalk [[your]1256-dad mother]32-mum . [I]0-i pursued [her]32-mum . ”[0-i] [She]32-mum said it ’s the same thing , especially when the pursuing is done at [Jesse Ward]454-jesse ’s level of pursuing . ”[0-i] “ It’s … no … [she]32-mum … ”[0-i] [I]0-i huff and turn , marching to [the master suite]249-the master suite . [I]0-i ’m not arguing with [a eleven - year - old]250-a eleven - year - old . [[Your]1256-dad mother]32-mum loved [me]0-i stalking [her]32-mum , ”[0-i] [I]0-i snap over [my]0-i shoulder . [You]1256-dad said [you]1256-dad pursued [her]32-mum . ”[0-i] “ Same thing . ”[0-i] [I]0-i slam the door to [[our]251-our dressing room]252-our dressing room behind [me]0-i and yank [my]0-i T - shirt over [my]0-i head . [The girl]32-mum will be the death of [me]0-i , ”[0-i] [I]0-i mumble , chucking it in the wash basket . [Maddie]26-maddie barges in , forcing [my]0-i hands to pause on the fly of [my]0-i leathers . [I]26-maddie ’m going to the party without [you]26-maddie , and [I]26-maddie will wear what [I]26-maddie like . ”[26-maddie] [You]26-maddie are not going . ”[0-i] [I]0-i just manage to hold back [my]0-i bad language . “ End of . ”[0-i] [You]26-maddie ’re so mean ! ”[26-maddie] [she]26-maddie yells , [her]26-maddie cheeks flushed with anger . [I]26-maddie know ! ”[26-maddie] [I]0-i shove [my]0-i hands into the waistband of [my]0-i leathers , ready to push them down . “ Are [you]26-maddie scramming ? Because [I]26-maddie ’m about to get naked . ”[26-maddie] [Her]26-maddie pretty little face screws up in utter disgust . “ Ewwww . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie makes a hasty exit , leaving [me]0-i looking down at [my]0-i torso . Ewwww ? The fucking cheek . [I]0-i might be fifty soon , but [I]0-i ’m still fucking prime . Ask [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie . And [every other woman on [the planet]254-the planet]253-every other woman on the planet . Ewwww ? [I]0-i kick off [my]0-i leathers and drop to the floor , smashing out fifty press - ups , muttering and cursing as [I]0-i do . [I]0-i should have stayed at [the health club]188-the health club . After yanking on some clean shorts , [I]0-i turn to head [downstairs]256-downstairs , noticing a pile of clean laundry on the bed . [I]0-i do what [any decent husband]257-any decent husband would do : [I]0-i gather it up and go back to [the dressing room]258-the dressing room to put it away . [I]0-i place [my]0-i socks and boxers in the designated drawers , leaving [me]0-i with a pile of [Ava]238-ava ’s knickers in [my]0-i palm . [I]0-i grin at the stacks of lace , unable to stop [myself]0-i from bringing them to [my]0-i nose and inhaling the clean smell of laundry mixed with [Ava]238-ava ’s lingering scent . [I]0-i hum and close [my]0-i eyes , planning tonight ’s intimate time . [I]0-i see a Sense Fuck in the not too distant future . [I]0-i ’ll make [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie see that it would be most unwise for [us]260-us to let [Maddie]26-maddie go to the school party without a chaperone . [Dad]1256-dad ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i swing around and find [Jacob]60-jacob hovering at the doorway . [His]60-jacob handsome face is quite alarmed . “ Oh , hey . ”[60-jacob] [I]0-i quickly pull the lace away from [my]0-i nose and smile awkwardly . “ Are [you]0-i smelling [Mum]32-mum ’s knickers ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i laugh like a twat , feeling the heat rise in [my]0-i cheeks . [[My]0-i kids]261-my kids do fuck all for [my]0-i ego . “ Just checking [they]261-my kids ’ve been washed , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say , turning [my]0-i back on [him]60-jacob and opening [Ava]238-ava ’s knicker drawer . [You]238-ava ’re weird sometimes , [Dad]1256-dad . ”[60-jacob] [Jacob]60-jacob sighs from behind [me]0-i , and [I]0-i cringe , but [my]0-i cringe turns into a frown when [I]0-i spot something in the corner of [Ava]238-ava ’s drawer . It ’s not the something that ’s the problem . It ’s the fact that it ’s in a different corner from this morning . [I]0-i snarl at the diamond - embellished vibrator , or the Weapon of [Mass Destruction]40-mass destruction , as [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie likes to call it , and slowly push the drawer closed . [She]26-maddie is n’t wrong . It does destroy . It destroys [my]0-i fucking ego . Has [she]26-maddie been using it without [me]0-i ? Giving [her]26-maddie pleasure to a fucking machine ? Casting [my]0-i grievance aside , just for now , [I]0-i turn toward [[my]0-i boy]240-my boy . “ What ’s up , [mate]240-my boy ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i ask , wandering over to [him]240-my boy and throwing [my]0-i arm around [his]240-my boy shoulders , walking [us]264-us out of [the dressing room]258-the dressing room . “ One of [[my]0-i friends]2032-my friends from [school]2011-school , [Sonny]41-sonny , has invited [me]0-i to [Old Trafford]42-old trafford with [[his]41-sonny parents]2037-his parents to watch [United]43-united . [They]2037-his parents ’re playing [Arsenal]2038-arsenal . Can [I]0-i go ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i smile to [myself]0-i , looking down at [Jacob]60-jacob as [he]60-jacob looks up at [me]0-i , all hopeful and with a little worry . [I]0-i know what [he]60-jacob ’s thinking . [He]60-jacob ’s thinking that football is [our]266-our thing , and [I]0-i might not like [him]60-jacob doing it with [someone else]267-someone else . [I]0-i take [him]60-jacob training , [I]0-i watch every match , [I]0-i make a monthly point during the football season of [a boys]268-a boys ’ day out , just [me]0-i and [him]60-jacob . [All boys]269-all boys ’ stuff , where there are [no women driving [us]271-us nuts]270-no women driving us nuts . “ Sure [you]60-jacob can . ”[269-all boys] “ Thanks , [Dad]1256-dad . ”[0-i] [I]0-i lean down and sink [my]0-i face into [his]60-jacob mop of dirty blond hair . [[My]0-i boy]60-jacob . [[My]0-i beautiful , laid - back boy]60-jacob . “ Hey , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say , releasing [him]60-jacob from [my]0-i clinch when something comes to [me]0-i . [Mum]32-mum mentioned something about a crush . ”[0-i] [I]0-i raise [my]0-i eyebrows in question . [Jacob]60-jacob rolls [his]60-jacob eyes and makes [his]60-jacob way to [[his]60-jacob bedroom]272-his bedroom . [I]60-jacob do n’t have a crush , and if [I]60-jacob did , [I]60-jacob would n’t tell [Mum]32-mum . ”[60-jacob] [I]0-i grin . “ Playing it cool , eh ? ”[0-i] That ’s [[my]0-i boy]60-jacob . “ What , like [you]60-jacob did with [Mum]32-mum ? ”[60-jacob] [He]60-jacob turns and catches [me]0-i scowling . And another head shake . [I]60-jacob ’m going to polish [my]60-jacob trophies . ”[60-jacob] [He]60-jacob disappears into [[his]60-jacob bedroom]272-his bedroom , leaving [me]0-i on the landing . [I]0-i zoom back to [the dressing room]258-the dressing room , grab [her]274-her vibrator , and head back out . A quick check of [[Maddie]26-maddie ’s room]258-the dressing room tells [me]0-i [she]26-maddie ’s sulking on [her]26-maddie bed and will be lost in [her]26-maddie mood for a good hour . A quick check of [[Jacob]60-jacob ’s room]258-the dressing room tells [me]0-i [he]60-jacob ’s already lined up [his]60-jacob football trophies and will be lost in polishing those for at least two hours . [I]0-i hurry [downstairs]256-downstairs , brandishing [Ava]238-ava ’s vibrator like a sword in front of [me]0-i . “ How many times do [we]2039-we need to go over this ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i ask , entering [the kitchen]228-the kitchen . “ All of [your]0-i pleasure comes from [me]0-i . ”[0-i] [I]0-i come to a screaming halt when [I]0-i find that [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie is n’t alone . Oh shit . [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth ! ”[0-i] [I]0-i yelp , [my]0-i hand frozen in midair . “ Oh … [my]26-maddie[God]373-god , ”[26-maddie] [she]26-maddie breathes , looking at [Ava]238-ava in question . [[My]0-i wife]26-maddie ’s face is a picture of horror . “ Oh … ”[26-maddie] The vibrator glows at [me]0-i , and [I]0-i rush to hide it behind [my]0-i back . “ Always nice to see [you]26-maddie , [Mum]32-mum . ”[424-elizabeth] [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth sighs , turning to [[her]26-maddie daughter]26-maddie and kissing [her]26-maddie cheek . [I]424-elizabeth ’ll call before [I]424-elizabeth drop by next time , [darling]26-maddie . ”[424-elizabeth] “ Good idea , ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava mutters , [her]238-ava horrified face turning into an expression that suggests [I]0-i ’m in for it . [My]0-i idiotic smile widens . [I]0-i ’ll be on [my]0-i way . [[Your]0-i father]2040-your father needs picking up from the golf course . ”[0-i] [I]0-i wave at [[Ava]238-ava ’s mother]26-maddie with [my]0-i empty hand as [she]26-maddie approaches [me]0-i , shaking [her]26-maddie head . [You]0-i ’re not staying ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i ask out of politeness . After all these years , [we]277-we still have a love / hate thing going on . “ Do n’t pretend [you]0-i want [me]277-we to . ”[277-we] The vibrator behind [my]0-i back feels like it ’s pulsing in [my]0-i grasp , reminding [me]0-i that [I]0-i still have unfinished business to clear up with [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie . But then the device is suddenly snatched from [my]0-i hand . “ What ’s this ? ”[26-maddie] [Maddie]26-maddie asks , holding up the huge dildo . Every muscle [I]0-i have fails [me]0-i , and [I]0-i hear [Ava]238-ava and [[her]238-ava mother]26-maddie gasp . [My]0-i frozen state means [Maddie]26-maddie has a chance to investigate [her]26-maddie find , flicking at the buttons on the shaft . The vibrator jumps to life in [her]26-maddie hand , and [she]26-maddie screams , dropping it to the floor , where it proceeds to dance around [our]278-our feet . “ What is that ? ”[26-maddie] [she]26-maddie cries . “ That ’s a weapon of mass destruction ! ”[26-maddie] [I]0-i blurt mindlessly , kicking it away . “ What ’s a weapon of mass destruction ? ”[0-i] “ A bomb ! ”[0-i] [I]0-i grab [Maddie]26-maddie and throw [her]26-maddie over [my]0-i shoulder , pelting out of [the kitchen]228-the kitchen at top speed . “ Quick , [Dad]1256-dad ! Before it explodes ! ”[26-maddie] Fuck [me]0-i , how do [I]0-i get into these situations ? [I]0-i race up [the stairs]244-the stairs and burst into [[Maddie]26-maddie ’s room]273-maddie ’s room , throwing [her]26-maddie on the bed in [my]0-i usual fashion , and then watch as [she]26-maddie giggles like [girls]282-girls do , brushing [her]26-maddie hair from [her]26-maddie face . Big , round , gorgeously dark eyes find [me]0-i , and [her]26-maddie giggles turn into hysterics as [she]26-maddie rolls around on the bed clenching [her]26-maddie tummy . [I]0-i drop down in an exhausted heap of dad next to [her]26-maddie and pull [her]26-maddie into [my]0-i chest . “ Come here , [little lady]26-maddie , ”[0-i] [I]0-i sigh , taking the rare opportunity to grab a cuddle with [[my]0-i girl]26-maddie . [She]26-maddie settles and lets [me]0-i fuss over [her]26-maddie for a few short minutes , still giggling every now and then . When [she]26-maddie ’s gathered [her]26-maddie breath , [she]26-maddie breaks free from [my]0-i hug and sits up , crossing [her]26-maddie legs and looking at [me]0-i for a few thoughtful moments . [Daddy]26-maddie , please let [me]26-maddie go to the party . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie holds up praying hands in front of [her]26-maddie face and juts out [her]26-maddie bottom lip in an adorable pout . Doomed . Fucking doomed . [I]26-maddie ’ll let [you]26-maddie approve [my]26-maddie outfit . ”[26-maddie] [I]0-i hitch an eyebrow , a little surprised by [her]26-maddie willingness to negotiate . Pushing [myself]0-i up onto [my]0-i elbows , [I]0-i ponder [her]26-maddie suggestion for a few moments . [She]26-maddie ’s being reasonable . [I]0-i should try to follow [her]26-maddie lead , no matter how much it pains [me]0-i . [I]0-i sigh and roll [my]0-i eyes . That face always breaks down [my]0-i determination . [I]26-maddie ’m taking [you]26-maddie there and picking [you]26-maddie up . Ten o’clock at the very latest . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie squeals in delight and dives at [me]0-i , tackling [me]0-i back down to [her]26-maddie bed . “ Thank [you]26-maddie , [Daddy]26-maddie . ”[26-maddie] [You]26-maddie can ease off on the Daddy business now , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say , snatching another opportunity to have a hug . “ And [you]26-maddie must answer [your]26-maddie phone when [I]0-i call [you]26-maddie or [I]0-i ’ll be coming into [the school]2041-the school to track [you]26-maddie down . ”[0-i] “ Ca n’t [you]26-maddie just text [me]26-maddie ? ”[26-maddie] “ No . ”[0-i] “ Okay . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie relents easily , understanding that [she]26-maddie ’s reached [her]26-maddie limit . “ And remember , ”[0-i] [I]0-i go on , keen to reinforce the rules . “ It ’s illegal to kiss [a boy]2042-a boy until [you]26-maddie ’re twenty - one . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie chuckles . “ It ’s not illegal to kiss [a boy]2042-a boy , [Dad]1256-dad . ”[26-maddie] “ It really is . ”[26-maddie] “ By real law or [Dad]1256-dad ’s law ? ”[26-maddie] “ Both . ”[26-maddie] [You]26-maddie ’re impossible . ”[26-maddie] [Maddie]26-maddie , do [you]26-maddie want to go to the party or not ? ”[26-maddie] [Her]26-maddie jaw tightens , and [she]26-maddie draws in a long breath . “ It is illegal to kiss [boys]2043-boys before [you]26-maddie ’re twenty - one , ”[26-maddie] [she]26-maddie says flatly , and [I]0-i cock [my]0-i head in a prompt for more . “ By real law , ”[26-maddie] [she]26-maddie adds . [Good girl]26-maddie . ”[26-maddie] [I]0-i kiss [her]26-maddie forehead and get on [my]0-i way , satisfied by a job well done . See ? [I]0-i can be reasonable . [I]0-i do n’t know why [everyone]283-everyone constantly barks on about [my]0-i unwillingness to flex . [I]0-i flex every day of [my]0-i damn life . [Jacob]60-jacob emerges from [[his]60-jacob room]284-his room , a tennis racket in [his]60-jacob hand . “ Where ’s [Maddie]26-maddie ? ”[60-jacob] [he]60-jacob asks . [She]26-maddie appears with [her]26-maddie own racket , now changed into some ridiculously tiny sports shorts and a cropped T - shirt . [They]285-they shoot off down [the stairs]244-the stairs . [We]285-they ’ll be on the court ! ”[285-they] [I]0-i ’ll join [you]0-i soon , ”[0-i] [I]0-i shout at [their]285-they backs . “ Just as soon as [I]0-i ’ve dealt with [[your]0-i mother]194-kate , ”[0-i] [I]0-i add quietly , pacing toward [the stairs]244-the stairs , hoping [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth has buggered off so [I]0-i can find out what ’s going on with that fucking vibrator . [I]0-i bump into [[my]0-i beautiful wife]194-kate halfway down [the stairs]244-the stairs . The Weapon of [Mass Destruction]40-mass destruction is in [her]194-kate hand , a condemning scowl on [her]194-kate face . [She]194-kate wants a scowling match ? [I]0-i ’ll win every time . Stopping in [my]0-i tracks , [I]0-i curl [my]0-i lip and growl under [my]0-i breath , maintaining [our]288-our staring deadlock . But , fuck [me]0-i , it ’s hard when [she]194-kate looks so effortlessly gorgeous . So … [mine]0-i . [I]0-i give [my]0-i cock a mental pep talk , telling it to behave until [I]0-i ’ve vented . It fails , [my]0-i shorts beginning to tent . It does n’t escape [Ava]238-ava ’s notice , [her]194-kate eyes dropping to [my]0-i groin , [her]194-kate eyebrow curving as a lust [I]0-i ’m all too familiar with fills [her]194-kate eyes . [We]288-our ’ll be having none of that . Not yet , anyway . “ Explain , ”[0-i] [I]0-i demand , shoving an accusing finger at the thing in [her]194-kate hand . [She]194-kate pouts , looking at the device before slowly lifting [her]194-kate sparkling eyes back up to [me]0-i , not missing the opportunity to drag [her]194-kate stare over [my]0-i bare chest . There goes [my]0-i cock again , lurching behind [my]0-i shorts . A ghost of a smile curves [her]194-kate lips , and [her]194-kate eyes glimmer with mischief . [She]194-kate casually slinks past [me]0-i , and [my]0-i body turns slowly , following [her]194-kate . [She]194-kate stops at [our]289-our bedroom door . [Jesse]454-jesse ? ”[194-kate] [she]194-kate says in that low , husky voice that drives [me]0-i wild . “ Yeah ? ”[194-kate] [I]0-i answer , dragging the word out warily . [She]194-kate puckers [her]194-kate lips and kisses thin air . “ Fuck [you]454-jesse . ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate rushes into [the room]202-the room and slams the door behind [her]194-kate . What the fuck ? [Ava]238-ava ! ”[0-i] [I]0-i yell , stamping [my]0-i way to the door . “ Watch [your]454-jesse fucking mouth ! ”[0-i] [I]0-i grab the handle and push all of [my]0-i weight into the wood , jarring it a little . [I]0-i can hear [her]194-kate laughing beyond . Oh , [she]194-kate wants to play , huh ? [I]0-i release the door and stand back . [I]0-i could probably burn a hole through it with [my]0-i glare . [I]0-i take a deep breath and give [her]194-kate what [I]0-i know [she]194-kate ’s asking for . “ Three … , ”[0-i] [I]0-i state coolly . [I]0-i ’m not letting [you]0-i in . ”[0-i] “ Two . ”[194-kate] “ Fuck off , [Jesse]454-jesse . ”[194-kate] [My]0-i hackles rise , and [I]0-i thump the door , spiking another teasing giggle from beyond . Oh , [she]194-kate ’s getting it . Hard . “ One ! ”[194-kate] “ Screw [you]0-i , [Ward]454-jesse ! ”[0-i] [My]0-i chest puffs out , and [I]0-i stand back , locking and loading . “ Zero , [baby]0-i ! ”[0-i] [I]0-i yell , launching [my]0-i shoulder into the door . It opens with ease , as [I]0-i knew it would , [Ava]238-ava having wisely moved away in preparation for what [she]194-kate knew was coming . [I]0-i catch [her]194-kate by the wrist before [she]194-kate even thinks to run . “ Got [you]0-i . ”[0-i] [I]0-i whirl [her]194-kate around and throw [her]194-kate up onto [my]0-i shoulder , taking [her]194-kate to the bed . [We]291-we land in a tatty tangle , and only a few seconds later , [she]194-kate ’s naked , [my]0-i skin on [her]194-kate skin , [my]0-i dick dancing . [I]0-i find [my]0-i place between [her]194-kate thighs and grab [her]194-kate cheeks , pushing [my]0-i nose to [hers]194-kate . [I]0-i have two words for [you]194-kate . ”[0-i] “ What are [they]2044-they ? ”[0-i] [Retribution]46-retribution and Fuck . ”[0-i] [I]0-i sink [my]0-i face into [her]194-kate neck and bite [her]194-kate , licking and lapping at [her]194-kate flesh . [You]194-kate ready , [baby]194-kate ? ”[0-i] [My]0-i eyes close in utter bliss , waiting for [her]194-kate sigh and the subtle , teasing flex of [her]194-kate hips . [I]194-kate want a boob job . ”[194-kate] [My]0-i eyes spring open , and [I]0-i ’m out of [my]0-i happy place in [her]194-kate neck in a nanosecond . [I]0-i need to see [her]194-kate face so [I]0-i can gauge whether [she]194-kate ’s winding [me]0-i up or not . As [I]0-i stare down at [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie ’s beauty in utter shock , [I]0-i quickly conclude that [she]194-kate ’s not winding [me]0-i up at all . [She]194-kate ’s biting [her]194-kate lip nervously , and [I]0-i ’m pretty sure [she]194-kate ’s holding [her]194-kate breath . [My]0-i cock shrivels to nothing . “ What the actual fuck , [Ava]238-ava ? ”[0-i] [I]194-kate want a boob job , ”[194-kate] [she]194-kate repeats quietly . “ Forget it . ”[194-kate] [Jesse]454-jesse … ”[0-i] “ No way . ”[0-i] [I]0-i push [myself]0-i up to [my]0-i knees , [my]0-i gaze automatically falling to [her]194-kate boobs . The boobs [I]0-i love . The boobs that give [me]0-i hours of pleasure . Soft boobs . Natural boobs . [My]0-i fucking boobs . [I]0-i inwardly moan at the thought of [someone]293-someone taking a knife to [them]293-someone . “ Hell will freeze over , ”[0-i] [I]0-i tell [her]194-kate . [You]194-kate can get that idea right out of [your]194-kate head . ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate follows [my]0-i line of sight to [her]194-kate breasts and cups [them]293-someone . For once , watching [Ava]238-ava touch [herself]194-kate does nothing for [my]0-i libido . What the hell is [she]194-kate thinking ? [They]293-someone need an injection of life , ”[194-kate] [she]194-kate muses , [her]194-kate chin on [her]194-kate chest as [she]194-kate inspects each one . [They]293-someone ’re going south . ”[194-kate] “ The only thing that just went south is [my]194-kate dick . ”[194-kate] A cold shower could n’t have been as effective . “ Like [I]194-kate said , not while [I]194-kate ’m alive and breathing . Not even when [I]194-kate ’m dead . [I]194-kate ’ll find a way to come back to life so [I]194-kate can trample [your]2045-you arse . Forget it , [Ava]238-ava . [They]293-someone ’re [mine]194-kate and [I]194-kate like [them]293-someone just the way [they]293-someone are . ”[194-kate] [You]2045-you really are being unreasonable , ”[194-kate] [she]194-kate mutters as [I]0-i laugh [my]0-i way into [the bathroom]294-the bathroom and flip on the shower . “ And [they]293-someone ’re actually [my]194-kate boobs , not [yours]2045-you . ”[194-kate] That statement pulls [me]0-i back to the door . [She]194-kate ’s staring at [me]0-i defiantly . [She]194-kate knows [she]194-kate ’s not going to win this one but will try anyway , and piss [me]0-i off even more in the fucking process . “ How long has it been since [I]0-i found [you]2045-you ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i ask . “ Twelve years , ”[194-kate] [she]194-kate spits back matter - of - factly , obviously holding back [her]194-kate eye roll . “ Then discussions over ownership are out of fucking date . [We]2046-we cleared up that small detail within weeks of knowing each other . ”[194-kate] “ Or so [you]2045-you told [me]194-kate . ”[194-kate] [Her]194-kate nostrils flare . “ And year thirteen might be [your]2045-you unlucky year , [Ward]238-ava . ”[0-i] [I]0-i jump back a little , startled . “ What the fuck is that supposed to mean ? ”[0-i] “ It means , ”[194-kate] [she]194-kate snipes , sitting up on the bed and folding [her]194-kate arms over [her]194-kate chest , “ that year thirteen might be the year [I]194-kate leave [you]2045-you . ”[194-kate] [I]0-i gasp , horrified , despite the fact that [her]194-kate fingers go straight to [her]194-kate hair , playing with the strands . [She]194-kate ’s lying . It does n’t matter . [She]194-kate still has the nerve to say it . “ Take that back right now . ”[194-kate] “ No . ”[194-kate] [Ava]238-ava . ”[194-kate] “ Fuck off . ”[194-kate] “ Mouth ! ”[0-i] [I]0-i steam forward , outraged , ready to put [her]194-kate back in [her]194-kate place . [She]194-kate tries to escape . [She]194-kate could have a mile head start and [I]0-i ’d catch [her]194-kate . Always will . [She]194-kate scrambles across the bed , aware that [she]194-kate ’s pushed [me]0-i too far , and screams when [I]0-i catch [her]194-kate ankle , dragging [her]194-kate back toward [me]0-i . “ Where do [you]0-i think [you]0-i ’re going ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i ask , flipping [her]194-kate over and straddling [her]194-kate stomach , arms pinned safely above [her]194-kate head with one hand . “ Get off [me]0-i ! ”[0-i] [I]0-i do the only thing there is to do . [I]0-i look down at the sensitive spot by [her]194-kate hip , grinning evilly . [She]194-kate stills . [Jesse]454-jesse , no . ”[194-kate] [I]0-i ignore [her]194-kate and go in for the kill , sinking [my]0-i fingers into [her]194-kate tickle spot and going to [town]295-town , digging , squeezing , and generally making it as unbearable as possible . “ Oh [my]194-kate God . ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate sucks in air and starts going loopy beneath [me]0-i , bucking and screaming [her]194-kate displeasure . “ No ! I’ll … pee … ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate laughs uncontrollably , then shouts in vexation , [I]194-kate ’m going to wee [myself]194-kate ! ”[194-kate] “ Take it back now , ”[0-i] [I]0-i warn , not letting up . A bit of pee between [husband]296-husband and [wife]26-maddie is no skin off [my]0-i nose . [I]296-husband take it back ! ”[296-husband] “ Are [you]296-husband leaving [me]0-i , [wife]26-maddie ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i ask , giving [her]26-maddie an extra - brutal squeeze . “ Never ! ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie gasps for breath , [her]26-maddie body arching violently . [I]26-maddie ’m glad [we]2047-we ’ve cleared that up . ”[26-maddie] [I]0-i release [her]26-maddie and [she]26-maddie jumps up off the bed , holding [herself]26-maddie between [her]26-maddie legs . “ Knock [yourself]26-maddie out , [lady]26-maddie . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie pelts to [the bathroom]294-the bathroom . [[You]26-maddie bastard]26-maddie ! ”[26-maddie] The door slams and [I]0-i chuckle to [myself]0-i , following behind , though less speedily than [Ava]238-ava . [I]0-i walk in to find [her]26-maddie sitting on the loo . [She]26-maddie scowls at [me]0-i . [I]0-i grin . Stepping into the shower , [I]0-i start belting out a bit of [Justin Timberlake]47-justin timberlake , squeezing some gel onto the sponge . “ How was [your]26-maddie day , [dear]26-maddie ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i ask . “ Fine . ”[0-i] Grabbing [her]26-maddie toothbrush , [she]26-maddie slaps on some paste and starts scrubbing . “ ’ ought … orrow … ate … am … ryone … irthday . ”[26-maddie] [I]0-i look at [her]26-maddie past the glass incredulously . “ Wanna run that by [me]26-maddie again ? ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie spits out the paste . “ On Saturday , [everyone]283-everyone is coming around for [your]26-maddie birthday barbeque . ”[26-maddie] [I]0-i ’m not having a birthday barbeque , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say with utter finality , going back to scrubbing down . [We]2049-we ’ve discussed this . ”[0-i] “ But — ”[26-maddie] “ No buts , [Ava]238-ava . [I]0-i ’m not celebrat … ”[0-i] [I]0-i drift off , realizing that [I]0-i was about to break [my]0-i own rule : no mentioning the dreaded number . “ Celebrating the fact that [you]26-maddie ’re turning fifty ? ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie cocks [her]26-maddie head at [me]0-i , [her]26-maddie toothbrush going back into [her]26-maddie mouth . [I]0-i flinch as [I]0-i rub some shampoo into [my]0-i hair . [I]0-i ’m not turning fifty , ”[0-i] [I]0-i mutter , hearing [her]26-maddie sigh . It ’s fine for [her]26-maddie . [She]26-maddie ’s still fresh as a daisy at thirty - eight . Thirty - fucking - eight ! That ’s pretty much how old [I]0-i was when [I]0-i met [Ava]238-ava . Look how fast the years have whizzed by . If the next twelve years roll by as quickly , [I]0-i ’ll be drawing [my]0-i pension soon . [My]0-i stomach churns with dread . [You]238-ava ’re still [[my]238-ava god]238-ava , ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava says softly , pulling [my]0-i attention back to [her]238-ava . [She]238-ava ’s just outside the shower now , looking at [me]0-i closely . [I]238-ava know . ”[238-ava] “ And [you]238-ava ’re still [the handsomest man [I]238-ava ’ve ever laid eyes on]238-ava . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i know . ”[0-i] [I]0-i shrug . “ And [you]238-ava still fuck like [a god on steroids]2050-a god on steroids . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava pushes [her]238-ava lips into the glass and kisses it . “ Yeah , [I]238-ava know . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i meet [her]238-ava lips on the other side . “ Then what ’s the problem , [[you]238-ava gorgeous god]238-ava ? ”[0-i] “ Nothing , ”[0-i] [I]0-i sigh . [I]0-i ’m being stupid , but fifty sounds so much older than forty - nine . [I]0-i shut the shower off , and [she]238-ava moves back for [me]0-i to get out , handing [me]0-i a towel . [I]0-i rub [myself]0-i down and go to the mirror , looking [myself]0-i up and down . Solid . It ’s all solid . As hard today as it was twelve years ago . And [my]0-i face . Rough with four days ’ worth of stubble , and [my]0-i skin is fresh . Quite honestly , [I]0-i do n’t look much different . [I]0-i know that . But it ’s more psychological . Fucking fifty . A pair of arms comes around [my]0-i waist , and [her]238-ava naked front pushes into [my]0-i back , hugging [me]0-i . [You]238-ava ’re beautiful and all [mine]0-i , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava says , making [me]0-i smile . “ That ’s [my]238-ava line . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava releases [me]0-i and steps to the side , looking up at [me]0-i . “ Do n’t get a complex . It does n’t suit [you]238-ava . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i nod [my]0-i agreement , kicking [myself]0-i up the arse . What ’s up with [me]0-i ? [I]0-i look good , [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie is wonderful , and [[my]0-i kids]261-my kids are the most beautiful creatures [I]0-i ’ve ever seen . [I]0-i ’m [the luckiest man]301-the luckiest man alive . [I]0-i need to sort [my]0-i shit out . [I]0-i turn to the cupboard above the sink and grab down [my]0-i deodorant . [Ava]238-ava ’s small pill packet catches [my]0-i eye . [You]238-ava taken [your]238-ava pill today ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i ask . “ Oh , [I]0-i forgot . Pass [them]261-my kids here . ”[0-i] “ Really , [Ava]238-ava ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i grab them and thrust them into [her]238-ava hand . “ Do n’t forget shit like that . ”[0-i] [I]0-i shudder . [She]238-ava ignores [my]0-i evident dread and pops one , swallowing it with some water . “ So about the school party … ”[238-ava] [I]0-i ’ve told [her]238-ava [she]238-ava can go , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say before messing with [my]0-i hair and wandering back into [the bedroom]302-the bedroom . “ But [I]0-i ’m taking [her]238-ava [there]2051-there and collecting [her]238-ava afterward , and [she]238-ava better answer [my]0-i calls or [I]0-i ’m going in . ”[0-i] [I]0-i pull some boxers on and snap the waistband . “ So [you]0-i can stop with [your]0-i nagging . ”[0-i] [I]238-ava do n’t nag , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava spits indignantly . “ Not much . ”[238-ava] “ Do [you]0-i want a slap , [Ward]238-ava ? ”[0-i] “ Do [you]0-i want a Sense Fuck , [Mrs. Ward]26-maddie ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i cock [my]0-i head expectantly and watch as the rush of desire returns swiftly to [her]238-ava cheeks . That look alone brings [my]0-i dick back to life . Oh , damn , [I]0-i need [her]238-ava again . [Dad]1256-dad ! ”[60-jacob] [Jacob]60-jacob ’s voice invades [the bedroom]302-the bedroom , and [my]0-i cock shrivels to nothing . [Ava]238-ava sags , clearly disappointed that another Danger Fuck is now off the cards . Because the danger has just made its presence known . [Dad]1256-dad , [you]1256-dad coming to play ? ”[238-ava] “ On [my]0-i way , [mate]0-i , ”[0-i] [I]0-i call , slipping on [my]0-i shorts . “ Cock blocker , ”[0-i] [Ava]238-ava grumbles , giving [me]0-i [her]238-ava cheek when [I]0-i approach . [I]0-i kiss [her]238-ava lightly around [my]0-i smile , and [she]238-ava pushes [her]238-ava flesh onto [my]0-i mouth . “ Sleepy twilight sex by the pool tonight ? ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava eyes light up like sparkling diamonds . “ Deal . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i grab [my]0-i trainers and head for the door . “ And the next time [you]2052-you use that dildo without [me]0-i , there will be no loving for a whole week . ”[0-i] “ What ? ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava shock is clear . [You]2052-you heard . ”[238-ava] [You]2052-you could n’t live without it for a week either , [Ward]238-ava . [You]2052-you ’ll be punishing [yourself]2052-you more than [me]0-i . ”[0-i] [I]0-i smile , taking the stairs two at a time . [She]238-ava ’s right . “ Then it ’ll be a week of Apology Fucks instead . ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava ’s mouth around [my]0-i cock every day , two times a day for a week is n’t something to be sniffed at . “ Fine by [me]0-i . ”[0-i] [I]0-i laugh and hurry to [the courts]304-the courts . Chapter 3 Happy birthday , dear [Jesse]454-jesse ! Happy birthday to [you]454-jesse ! ” The chanting of [[my]454-jesse closest family]2053-my closest family and [friends]2054-friends is enough to make [me]454-jesse want to go on a rampage to track down the key to eternal youth . [I]454-jesse ca n’t even see [my]454-jesse fucking birthday cake through the raging fire atop of it . Fifty . How the fuck did this happen ? [Fifty]49-fifty ! Maybe [I]454-jesse could forget — [God]373-god , would [I]454-jesse love to forget — but [[my]454-jesse darling wife]2055-my darling wife wo n’t let [me]454-jesse , and in addition to the forest fire cooking [my]454-jesse cake , there are balloons and banners plastered all over [the house]2056-the house and [garden]2057-garden , just in case the fact that [I]454-jesse ’m [an old bastard]2058-an old bastard had escaped [me]454-jesse . “[454-jesse] [Anyone]305-anyone got a fire extinguisher handy ? [I]454-jesse ask , sucking as much air into [my]454-jesse lungs as [I]454-jesse can manage . [I]454-jesse ’m gon na need it . “[454-jesse] Oh no , [I]305-anyone hear [Maddie]26-maddie breathe . “[305-anyone] [He]305-anyone ’s going to trample the cake . [I]305-anyone roll [my]305-anyone eyes and blow out the candles while [everyone]283-everyone has a laugh at [my]305-anyone expense . [Sam]50-sam slaps [me]305-anyone on the back and grins . “[305-anyone] Do n’t say a word , [I]306-my man warn before [[my]306-my man friend]2060-my friend can hit [me]306-my man with some sarcastic wisecrack . “[306-my man] [You]306-my man ’re no spring chicken [yourself]306-my man . [He]2060-my friend laughs and cocks [his]2060-my friend head . [I]306-my man wish [I]306-my man could be as complacent about [my]306-my man age . “[306-my man] [I]0-i ’m a few years behind [you]306-my man , [[my]0-i man]306-my man . Do n’t tar [me]0-i with the same old brush . ” “[306-my man] Fuck [you]306-my man . ” “[454-jesse] [Jesse Ward]454-jesse ! [[Ava]238-ava ’s mother]32-mum cries , placing [her]32-mum hands over [Maddie]26-maddie ’s ears while sharply nodding at [[her]32-mum husband]240-my boy , [Joseph]51-joseph , to take care of [Jacob]60-jacob ’s . [[My]454-jesse father]240-my boy - in - law does n’t even bother , and instead ruffles [[my]454-jesse boy]240-my boy ’s hair on a smile filled with pride . [Maddie]26-maddie shrugs [her]26-maddie nan off and starts picking off the candles on [my]454-jesse cake , counting them as [she]26-maddie does , just to rub salt into [my]454-jesse wounds . [She]26-maddie gets to thirteen before a heavily pregnant [Kate]194-kate intervenes . [[Ava]238-ava ’s best friend]194-kate smiles down at [[my]454-jesse girl , who ’s now looking up at [her]26-maddie in question]194-kate . “[454-jesse] Let ’s not upset [[your]307-your dad]240-my boy any more , [Kate]194-kate says quietly , but not too quietly that [I]454-jesse miss it . [She]26-maddie flicks [her]26-maddie eyes to [mine]454-jesse , and the smile [I]454-jesse had pointed at [her]26-maddie swollen belly drops when [I]454-jesse catch [her]26-maddie smirking at [me]454-jesse . “[454-jesse] This is the worst party ever . [I]0-i huff [my]0-i way to [the kitchen]228-the kitchen to get a Bud , considering the benefits of getting blind drunk . And then [I]0-i immediately scold [myself]0-i for thinking such thoughts . Never . [I]0-i pull the fridge open and make fast work of knocking the cap off a bottle . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’d ask [you]307-your if [you]307-your want something stronger , but [I]0-i know [you]307-your ’re not up for it , [Sam]50-sam says , wandering into [the kitchen]228-the kitchen as [I]0-i slam the fridge door . “[0-i] Do n’t tempt [me]0-i . [I]0-i knock back another glug as [Drew]53-drew joins [us]2064-us . [His]53-drew suit is so pristine , [he]53-drew could n’t have sat , bent , or even moved in it since [he]53-drew put it on . “[0-i] Bit over the top for a BBQ , is n’t it ? [I]0-i ask . “[0-i] [I]0-i have somewhere special to be after [I]0-i ’ve finished relishing in [your]307-your misery . [He]53-drew moves past [me]0-i to [the fridge]228-the kitchen and helps [himself]53-drew to a beer , ignoring the look of surprise on [my]0-i face . [I]0-i glimpse at [Sam]50-sam , finding [his]309-your mate expression matches [mine]0-i . Somewhere special ? “[0-i] What ’s more special than being with [[your]307-your mate]309-your mate on [his]309-your mate fiftieth ? [I]0-i bring [my]0-i bottle to [my]0-i lips as [I]0-i watch [Drew]53-drew flip the cap off of [his]309-your mate beer . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m going to ask [Raya]54-raya to marry [me]0-i . [He]309-your mate barely whispers the words . [My]454-jesse snort of surprise sends [my]454-jesse beer spraying so far , it hits every wall in [[my]454-jesse expansive kitchen]2065-my expansive kitchen . And [Drew]53-drew does n’t dodge it . [I]454-jesse cough , choke , and sniff , while [Sam]50-sam laughs and [Drew]53-drew looks at [me]454-jesse like [he]50-sam wants to rip [my]454-jesse head off . [He]50-sam undoubtedly does . [I]454-jesse ’ve messed up [his]50-sam suit . [He]50-sam slams [his]50-sam bottle on the counter , nostrils flaring , though [his]50-sam face remains stoic . Married ? [Drew]53-drew ? There ’s no question [he]50-sam ’s found [[his]50-sam girl in [the beautiful Raya]54-raya]2066-his girl in the beautiful raya ; [I]454-jesse ’ve never seen [him]50-sam so happy and settled , but … marriage ? [I]454-jesse just never imagined [he]50-sam ’d venture down [that road]2067-that road . “[454-jesse] [Jesse]454-jesse , [Drew]53-drew snaps , brushing down [his]53-drew suit jacket . “[454-jesse] For fuck ’s sake . Look ! ” “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m sorry . [I]0-i snatch a tea towel off the side and chuck it at [him]53-drew . “[0-i] What ’s going on ? [Kate]194-kate waddles into [the kitchen]228-the kitchen with some empty plates , [Ava]238-ava in tow . “[53-drew] [Drew]53-drew ’s asking [Raya]54-raya to marry [him]53-drew , [Sam]50-sam and [I]53-drew declare in unison , making [the girls]2069-the girls pull to an abrupt stop before [they]2069-the girls both gasp , hands at [their]2069-the girls mouths , and then swoon all over [Drew]53-drew . “[53-drew] Will [you]310-you keep it down , [she]54-raya ’ll hear [you]310-you , [he]53-drew mutters , throwing the tea towel with force at [me]54-raya before fighting [the girls]2069-the girls away . It smacks [me]54-raya in the face before [I]54-raya catch it . “[54-raya] Hear what ? [Raya]54-raya asks , appearing in [the kitchen]228-the kitchen with a dish balancing on one hand , a glass of wine in the other . “[54-raya] Nothing ! [we]311-we all sing , all grinning . [Drew]53-drew rolls [his]53-drew eyes and collects [[his]53-drew girl]2071-his girl . “[311-we] [We]311-we ’re going . ” “[311-we] [We]311-we are ? [Raya]54-raya slides the dish onto the counter , looking a bit bewildered as [Drew]53-drew takes [her]54-raya glass from [her]54-raya hand and leads [her]54-raya to the door . “[311-we] What about [Georgia]58-georgia ? [Drew]53-drew tosses a smirk over [his]53-drew shoulder at [me]454-jesse . “[454-jesse] [Uncle Jesse]454-jesse said [she]312-she could stay . ” “[312-she] [I]0-i did ? ” “[311-we] [We]311-we did , [Ava]238-ava pipes up . “[311-we] Have fun ! [she]312-she calls , before moving into [Kate]194-kate ’s side . “[454-jesse] Do [you]454-jesse think [he]454-jesse still has [his]454-jesse cock pierced ? [she]312-she whispers in [Kate]194-kate ’s ear . What the fuck ? [I]454-jesse swing an incredulous look at [[my]454-jesse wife]26-maddie , whose mouth snaps shut quickly , [her]26-maddie back going all straight as [she]26-maddie looks at [me]454-jesse , [her]26-maddie lips pressed together . [I]454-jesse give [her]26-maddie an expectant look , and [she]26-maddie shrugs , looking away guiltily . “[454-jesse] Just what [I]0-i ’ve heard . [She]26-maddie bites [her]26-maddie lip , glancing at [Kate]194-kate , who chuckles , clutching [her]26-maddie belly . “[454-jesse] Stop . [I]0-i ’ll pee [myself]0-i . [I]0-i glare at [Ava]238-ava . “[0-i] How ’d [you]0-i know [Drew]53-drew has [his]53-drew cock pierced ? [She]26-maddie shrugs , all casual . “[0-i] Like [I]0-i said , just something [I]0-i heard . ” “[0-i] [I]0-i wonder who from , [Sam]50-sam muses , tossing an accusing look to [Kate]194-kate as [he]50-sam wanders over to [her]194-kate and gets as close as [her]194-kate stomach will allow . [He]50-sam has to lean forward to get [his]50-sam face in [hers]194-kate . “[0-i] Explain . ” “[0-i] It was a surprise back then , that ’s all . [I]0-i felt the need to share . [Sam]50-sam slams a hard kiss on [her]194-kate cheek and then lowers [his]50-sam lips to the top of [her]194-kate stomach , dropping a kiss there , too . “[0-i] Close [your]0-i ears , sunshine , [he]50-sam whispers , looking back up at [Kate]194-kate . [She]194-kate ’s grinning . [Sam]50-sam ’s not . “[0-i] Nice to know out of everything that could have stuck in [your]0-i head from that night , it ’s [[my]0-i mate]313-my mate ’s dick . [I]194-kate start chuckling again , perching on a stool to get comfy and enjoy the show . This party is n’t turning out too bad after all . [I]194-kate fold [my]194-kate arms over [my]194-kate chest and swing [my]194-kate eyes from [Sam]50-sam ’s incredulous face to [Kate]194-kate ’s dismissive one . “[194-kate] Yeah , [Kate]194-kate , [I]194-kate goad as [John]23-john sticks [his]23-john head around the door . “[194-kate] [The kids]2010-the kids have got [the grandparents playing [Twister]56-twister]315-the grandparents playing twister . [I]0-i ’d prebook an ambulance if [I]0-i were [you]316-you . ” “[0-i] Come on . [Ava]238-ava tugs [me]0-i from the stool and directs [me]0-i out of [the kitchen]228-the kitchen . “[0-i] [We]2010-the kids have [parents]317-parents to rescue before [they]317-parents injure [themselves]317-parents . ” “[0-i] But [I]0-i want to watch , [I]0-i complain , looking over [my]0-i shoulder , just catching [Sam]50-sam seizing [Kate]194-kate and swinging [her]194-kate back in [his]50-sam arms . [She]194-kate squeals a squeal that is definitely more delighted than scared . “[0-i] Oh shit , [she]194-kate laughs . “[0-i] [I]0-i think [I]0-i just wet [myself]0-i . ” “[0-i] On second thought . [I]0-i allow [Ava]238-ava to bully [me]0-i out of [the kitchen]228-the kitchen into [the garden]2075-the garden , where [we]2076-we find each one of [[our]2076-we parents]2077-our parents twisted into all kinds of mind - bending positions . [I]0-i ’m laughing again , harder when [they]2077-our parents all collapse in unison , creating [a pile of puffing grandparents on [the lawn]2079-the lawn]2078-a pile of puffing grandparents on the lawn . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m too old for this . [[My]318-folks dad]2080-my dad creaks [his]2080-my dad way up to [his]2080-my dad feet before helping [Mum]32-mum up , too . [I]318-folks clap [my]318-folks hands together , marching [my]318-folks way across [the lawn]2079-the lawn to the enticing spotty game board . “[318-folks] Move aside , [folks]318-folks . [I]318-folks crack [my]318-folks knuckles and give [the twins]2012-the twins a mischievous grin . “[318-folks] [The champion]319-the champion ’s here to defend [his]319-the champion title . ” “[318-folks] Here [we]320-we go , [Jacob]60-jacob sighs , booting [his]60-jacob football away . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’ve had enough , [Maddie]26-maddie declares . “[0-i] It ’s [my]0-i birthday . [I]0-i crouch and pull at the corners of the mat , clearing the plastic of wrinkles before kicking off [my]0-i shoes . “[0-i] [You]321-you have to do what [I]0-i say . [I]321-you flip up the collar of [my]321-you Ralph Lauren polo shirt . “[321-you] Playing , [Mrs. Ward]26-maddie ? ” “[26-maddie] Losing , [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward ? [I]0-i snort [my]0-i thoughts on that . “[0-i] [I]0-i always win , [baby]194-kate . [You]321-you should know that by now . [Ava]238-ava pulls [her]238-ava hair up in a ponytail , pouting [her]238-ava lips . “[321-you] Things could be about to change . ” Another snort of laughter erupts from deep in [my]0-i belly , backed up by the chuckles of [[our]2082-our guests]2083-our guests . Glad [they]2083-our guests think [her]238-ava statement is as hilarious as [I]0-i do . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m blue , [I]238-ava announce as [everyone]283-everyone backs up , giving [us]2082-our space . “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava is red , [Jacob]60-jacob is green , and [Maddie]26-maddie is yellow . Who goes first ? ” “[323-the youngest] [The youngest]323-the youngest goes first , [Jacob]60-jacob pipes up . “[323-the youngest] Which is [me]0-i . ” “[0-i] Only by two minutes ! [Maddie]26-maddie protests . [I]0-i hold [my]0-i hand up , halting the impending row . “[0-i] Two minutes or two years , [Jacob]60-jacob is [the youngest]323-the youngest . ” “[60-jacob] [Jacob]60-jacob first . [Ava]238-ava moves in closer , [her]238-ava eyes narrowing to challenging slits . “[26-maddie] [Maddie]26-maddie ’s second , [me]0-i third , and [you]0-i , [[my]0-i dear husband]324-my dear husband , at a whooping fifty , will go last . ” “[324-my dear husband] Do n’t think [you]0-i can distract [me]0-i by taunting [me]0-i , [I]1256-dad warn , gesturing for [Jacob]60-jacob to get on with things . [I]1256-dad focus on the game and , more importantly , winning it . [John]23-john , [Sam]50-sam , and [Kate]194-kate join [the small crowd]2085-the small crowd with [[Drew]53-drew ’s daughter]26-maddie , [Georgia]58-georgia , and [we]2087-our all take [our]2087-our first move . It ’s all pretty straightforward , [everyone stable]283-everyone , and [everyone]283-everyone confident . Ten minutes later , [me]1256-dad , [[my]1256-dad wife]26-maddie , and [[our]2087-our babies]2089-our babies are a tatty tangle of arms and legs , and [[our]2087-our audience]2090-our audience is laughing . “[1256-dad] [Dad]1256-dad ! [Maddie]26-maddie gripes . “[1256-dad] [Your]1256-dad big leg is in [my]0-i way ! ” “[1256-dad] Good ! [I]26-maddie laugh , not losing a scrap of focus . “[26-maddie] This way , [Maddie]26-maddie . [Sam]50-sam crouches beside [[my]26-maddie girl]245-my girl , showing [her]245-my girl the way to the spinner . “[26-maddie] No helping , [I]26-maddie yell , turning [my]26-maddie face and getting a mouthful of [Ava]238-ava ’s hair . [I]26-maddie catch [her]245-my girl eye and forget [my]26-maddie grievance . [I]26-maddie also forget [my]26-maddie concentration , [her]245-my girl boobs within licking distance . “[26-maddie] Do n’t even think about it , [Ward]238-ava , [she]245-my girl whispers . “[238-ava] Whenever , wherever , [baby]194-kate . ” “[194-kate] Not while playing [Twister]56-twister with [[our]326-our kids]327-our kids in front of [[your]328-i parents]329-your parents . [My]194-kate arms shake a little from the strain of holding [myself]194-kate up . It does n’t help that both [Jacob]60-jacob and [Maddie]26-maddie are leaning on [me]194-kate in one place or another , and [Ava]238-ava is virtually suspended over [my]194-kate torso . [They]327-our kids ’re all being tactical , picking on [me]194-kate , but [I]194-kate wo n’t break . No way . “[194-kate] [You]328-i ’re doing this on purpose , [I]328-i accuse . [I]328-i close [my]328-i eyes and focus , hearing clapping and encouragement from [everyone]283-everyone , meaning [Maddie]26-maddie just made [her]26-maddie move and [she]26-maddie ’s still in the game . “[328-i] [Your]328-i go , [Mum]32-mum , [the twins]2010-the kids chant . “[32-mum] Oh , if [I]0-i can just stretch to reach [the spinner]330-the spinner . [Ava]238-ava ’s body pushes harder into [mine]194-kate . Focus , focus , focus . Something soft and squishy presses against [my]454-jesse mouth . Something [I]454-jesse recognize . [I]454-jesse open [my]454-jesse eyes and come face - to - face with boobs . [I]454-jesse ca n’t help it . [My]454-jesse mouth opens and [I]454-jesse take a bite . “[454-jesse] Owww ! [Jesse]454-jesse ! [She]26-maddie collapses on [me]454-jesse , taking out [the kids]2010-the kids , too . “[454-jesse] [You]328-i big fat cheat ! [I]328-i laugh , rolling over and trapping [Ava]238-ava beneath [me]328-i . [She]26-maddie huffs and puffs for effect for a few moments , making a pathetic effort to try to bat [me]328-i away . [The kids]2010-the kids are muttering [their]2010-the kids disgust , [[our]2010-the kids parents]2077-our parents are tutting , and [Kate]194-kate and [Sam]50-sam are laughing with [Georgia]58-georgia and [John]23-john . But it ’s [the woman [I]328-i ’m spread all over that has [my]328-i attention]2095-the woman i ’m spread all over that has my attention . “[328-i] [You]328-i lose , [I]328-i whisper , planting a light peck on [her]26-maddie nose . [Her]26-maddie grin is instant , and so is the swelling of [my]328-i heart . “[328-i] No , [I]0-i win . [She]26-maddie grabs [my]0-i hair and hauls [me]0-i down to [her]26-maddie lips , and [I]0-i roll [her]26-maddie off the mat onto the grass . “[0-i] [We]331-we ’re having sleepy sex tonight , [I]331-we tell [her]26-maddie . “[331-we] Oh God ! [Maddie]26-maddie squawks . “[32-mum] [Mum]32-mum ! [Dad]1256-dad ! Please ! [We]331-we both laugh past each other ’s lips , but [we]331-we do n’t ease up . Not now . Not ever . Chapter 4 It ’s late . [The kids]2010-the kids are in bed , [[our]331-we guests]2083-our guests have left , and [I]1256-dad can hear [Ava]238-ava faffing in [the kitchen]228-the kitchen . [I]1256-dad wander through , stopping at the door to admire [her]26-maddie for a few moments . [She]26-maddie ’s getting the coffee machine loaded ready to flick on in the morning , something [she]26-maddie does before bed most nights , as well as setting [the kids]2010-the kids ’ favorite breakfast cereals on [the island]2099-the island . [I]1256-dad wait until [she]26-maddie ’s done and is rubbing cream into [her]26-maddie hands before [I]1256-dad quietly creep up behind [her]26-maddie . [I]1256-dad ’m virtually silent , but [she]26-maddie does n’t need to hear [me]1256-dad to know [I]1256-dad ’m close . [Her]26-maddie spine straightens , [her]26-maddie hands pausing in [their]2010-the kids movements . [I]1256-dad push [my]1256-dad front to [her]26-maddie back and drop [my]1256-dad mouth to [her]26-maddie ear . “[1256-dad] Get in [the bedroom]302-the bedroom now , [I]1256-dad order , quiet but stern . [She]26-maddie turns slowly , rubbing against [me]1256-dad , the friction sending [my]1256-dad body temperature through the roof . [I]1256-dad scoop [her]26-maddie up and cradle [her]26-maddie in [my]1256-dad arms , taking [her]26-maddie mouth as [I]1256-dad walk [us]2100-our to [[our]2100-our room]302-the bedroom . [She]26-maddie hums against [my]1256-dad lips . [I]1256-dad hum against [hers]26-maddie . Fucking heaven . [Our]2100-our lips do n’t part the entire way to [the bedroom]302-the bedroom , and it ’s a challenge to give up [our]2100-our kiss when [I]1256-dad make it to the bed . Dropping [her]26-maddie down , [I]1256-dad pull [my]1256-dad T - shirt up over [my]1256-dad head and throw it aside . [Ava]238-ava ’s teeth sink into [her]26-maddie bottom lip , [her]26-maddie gaze hungry . “[1256-dad] Like what [you]333-you see ? [I]1256-dad ask , confident of the answer . Call [me]1256-dad an egomaniac . [I]1256-dad could n’t give a fuck . [I]1256-dad push [my]1256-dad jeans down [my]1256-dad thighs with [my]1256-dad boxers , waiting for an answer . [She]26-maddie ’s daydreaming . “[1256-dad] Hey . [I]1256-dad click [my]1256-dad fingers , snapping [her]26-maddie out of it . “[1256-dad] Well ? ” The tiniest of frowns mars [her]26-maddie brow . “[1256-dad] What did [you]333-you say ? [I]0-i smile . [Her]26-maddie question is a good enough answer for [me]0-i . “[0-i] [I]0-i like [your]333-you dress . [I]0-i reach forward and tug at the silky black fabric , smiling when [I]0-i hear [her]26-maddie pull in a breath . “[0-i] But it ’s a bit restrictive . ” “[0-i] Take it off , [she]26-maddie demands , full of impatience . [Her]26-maddie hunger for [me]0-i only intensifies [my]0-i hunger for [her]26-maddie . But [I]0-i still toy with [her]26-maddie desperation . “[0-i] What do [you]333-you say ? [I]333-you see the need to fight [me]333-you in [her]26-maddie eyes , but [[my]333-you wife]26-maddie learned fast that giving [me]333-you what [I]333-you want gets [her]26-maddie what [she]26-maddie wants much quicker . “[333-you] Please . [Her]26-maddie plea is more than a plea . It ’s a fucking turn - on like no other . [Her]26-maddie dress is gone in the space of a few short breaths . [Her]26-maddie underwear even faster . Resting a fist on the mattress , [I]334-my crawl up the length of [her]26-maddie body , licking [my]334-my way up [her]26-maddie inside thigh , growling under [my]334-my breath when [I]334-my pass [her]26-maddie sweet , soft , dripping pussy . [Her]26-maddie groan stretches out forever , [her]26-maddie spine arching , pushing [her]26-maddie breasts upward . [I]334-my circle [her]26-maddie left nipple with a firm , slow lick . Fuck , [she]26-maddie tastes good . [She]26-maddie sighs , [her]26-maddie hands going to [my]334-my head and wrestling with [my]334-my hair . “[334-my] [You]334-my ’re [a fucking god]335-a fucking god , [Ward]238-ava . [I]238-ava bite down on [her]26-maddie nipple in warning , but otherwise let [her]26-maddie potty mouth pass , as [I]238-ava walk [my]238-ava fingers across [her]26-maddie stomach and plunge them deep inside [her]26-maddie core . “[238-ava] Oh , [you]334-my ’re so fucking ready , [I]26-maddie say as [she]26-maddie cries out . [I]26-maddie withdraw and settle [myself]26-maddie atop of [her]26-maddie , grabbing [my]26-maddie aching cock and leveling it up . “[26-maddie] Hard or soft , [baby]26-maddie ? ” “[26-maddie] Soft , [she]26-maddie sighs , all breathily and happily , [her]26-maddie palms resting on [my]26-maddie hips and pulling [me]26-maddie down . [I]26-maddie sink in slowly , struggling to catch [my]26-maddie breath as the pleasure ripples through [me]26-maddie . “[26-maddie] Like that ? [I]26-maddie ask , hitting [her]26-maddie deep . “[26-maddie] Just like that . [I]337-me withdraw , the feel of [her]26-maddie walls stroking [me]337-me forcing [me]337-me to [my]337-me forearms . “[337-me] [We]337-me are so fucking good together , [lady]26-maddie . ” “[0-i] [I]0-i know , [she]26-maddie agrees , sinking [her]26-maddie nails into [my]0-i arse . [Her]26-maddie gaze finds [mine]0-i , and [I]0-i know that ’s exactly where it ’ll stay until [I]0-i bring [her]26-maddie to climax and [she]26-maddie ’s forced to close [her]26-maddie eyes . It ’s one of [my]0-i favorite views . The passion and need on [her]26-maddie face , [her]26-maddie light pants heating [my]0-i skin . It ’s debilitating . [This woman]26-maddie has [me]0-i captivated every day of [our]337-me lives together . Not just when [I]0-i have [her]26-maddie in [my]0-i arms , or when [I]0-i ’m buried deep inside [her]26-maddie . But with everything [she]26-maddie does . Every time [she]26-maddie looks at [me]0-i , speaks to [me]0-i , touches [me]0-i . [I]0-i ’m [the luckiest man]301-the luckiest man alive , and [I]0-i thank the Fates every minute of every day . [I]0-i love [her]26-maddie with a fierceness that gets stronger by the second . “[0-i] [I]0-i love [you]0-i , too , [she]26-maddie whispers , reading [my]0-i mind . “[0-i] And [I]0-i ’m lucky , too . [Her]26-maddie hands move from [my]0-i arse and come up to [my]0-i face , [her]26-maddie thighs wrapping around [my]0-i waist . [She]26-maddie holds [my]0-i face firmly as [I]0-i maintain a careful , slow pace of [my]0-i hips , rocking into [her]26-maddie gently . “[0-i] [You]0-i are [my]0-i life , [Jesse Ward]454-jesse . [You]0-i keep [my]0-i heart beating . [I]0-i smile a small smile , nodding [my]0-i understanding , keeping [our]2102-our eyes locked as [I]0-i catch [her]26-maddie lips . [Our]2102-our kiss mirrors the delicacy of [our]2102-our lovemaking until [I]0-i slow it to nothing and [our]2102-our lips are simply touching . “[0-i] And [my]0-i heart will only ever beat for [you]0-i , [I]0-i whisper , balancing on the edge of explosion . “[0-i] Are [you]0-i there ? ” “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m there . [Her]26-maddie face glowing up at [me]0-i confirms it , and [I]0-i thrust a fraction harder a few more times , carrying [us]2102-our over the edge together . [My]0-i body soaks up [her]26-maddie trembles , the tremors going straight to [my]0-i heart . It fills with feelings so strong [I]0-i once again find [myself]0-i trying to wrap [my]0-i mind around the reality of [our]2102-our beautiful existence . [I]0-i do n’t think [I]0-i ever will . [We]2102-our gasp into each other ’s faces , a million silent words of wonder bouncing back and forth between [us]2102-our . [Neither of [us]2102-our]2103-neither of us needs to speak those words . [We]2102-our both know . [I]0-i take [her]26-maddie left hand from [my]0-i cheek and kiss [her]26-maddie wedding ring and then weave [our]2102-our fingers together , squeezing tightly and resting [my]0-i face in [her]26-maddie damp neck . “[0-i] Was it good for [you]338-you ? [I]59-ish ask . “[59-ish] [Ish]59-ish … , [she]26-maddie sighs , and [I]59-ish smile against [her]26-maddie throat , kissing lazily , small pecks here and there . “[59-ish] Tub - time ? [she]26-maddie asks softly . [I]59-ish hold still for a moment , thinking . Tub - time ? “[59-ish] [I]0-i can hear those cogs kicking in . [She]26-maddie laughs a little . [She]26-maddie ’s right . Tub - time equals tub - talk . What does [she]26-maddie want to talk about ? [I]59-ish pull [my]59-ish face from [her]26-maddie throat and lift a questioning eyebrow . “[59-ish] Is there something [you]338-you want to tell [me]0-i ? [[My]59-ish wife]26-maddie knows [I]59-ish ’m at [my]59-ish weakest when [she]26-maddie ’s naked , wet , and spread all over [me]59-ish . “[59-ish] No , [I]0-i just thought it would be nice to have a soak together . [Ava]238-ava ’s wet nakedness slipping all over [mine]59-ish ? [I]0-i slip free from [her]238-ava tight warmth on a small hiss , [my]0-i cock still twitching from the aftermath of [my]0-i climax . “[0-i] Bubbles ? ” “[0-i] Lots . ” “[0-i] Whatever [[my]0-i lady]26-maddie wants . [I]0-i shoot up off the bed and head to [the bathroom]294-the bathroom , flipping on the taps and pouring in a huge dose of bubble bath before swishing the water around . It seems to take fucking ages for the water to reach halfway up the side , and when [I]0-i ’m happy with the depth , [I]0-i jump in , wafting the bubbles upward . “[0-i] Ready ! [I]0-i call . Within a few seconds , [I]0-i hear [Ava]238-ava laughing . “[0-i] Where are [you]26-maddie ? [I]26-maddie flap [my]26-maddie hands , clearing some of the bubbles in front of [my]26-maddie face , and grin when [I]26-maddie find [her]238-ava standing by the door . “[26-maddie] [Your]26-maddie god awaits . [I]454-jesse offer [my]454-jesse hand , and [she]238-ava wanders over , still laughing , making a point of blowing some more bubbles from [my]454-jesse nose as [she]238-ava lowers in front of [me]454-jesse . [I]454-jesse sigh a very fucking contented sigh as [she]238-ava settles between [my]454-jesse thighs , [my]454-jesse arms and lower legs wrapping [her]238-ava up tightly , [my]454-jesse eyes closing in pure peace . The sensation of [her]238-ava palms stroking over the hairs on [my]454-jesse legs is hypnotic . Utter fucking bliss . It ’s silent for a few moments , gloriously silent and peaceful . Until [Ava]238-ava breaks it . “[454-jesse] [Jesse]454-jesse ? ” “[454-jesse] Hmmmm . ” “[454-jesse] About [my]0-i boobs … [My]340-i eyes flip open . [I]340-i fucking knew it . Wants to soak with [me]340-i in the bath ? [I]340-i scoff . “[340-i] [You]340-i mean the perfect boobs that [[your]340-i husband]341-your husband loves just the way [they]342-they are ? Those boobs ? [I]340-i ca n’t see [her]238-ava , but [I]340-i know [she]238-ava ’ll have just pulled off an eye roll worthy of an award . “[340-i] Yes , those boobs . ” “[340-i] Forget it . [I]340-i feel [her]238-ava shift under [my]340-i hold . So [I]340-i hold [her]238-ava tighter . “[340-i] Let [me]0-i see [you]340-i . ” “[340-i] No . ” “[454-jesse] [Jesse]454-jesse . ” Water starts to splash around [us]2106-us until [I]454-jesse ’m forced to release [her]238-ava or risk flooding [the bathroom]294-the bathroom . “[454-jesse] For fuck ’s sake , [I]454-jesse breathe as [she]238-ava spins over , resting a palm on each of [my]454-jesse pecs and bringing [her]238-ava front down to [mine]454-jesse . The tips of [our]2106-us noses meet . [I]454-jesse ’m not going over this again . No way . Those boobs are fucking perfect . And , more to the point , [they]2108-they ’re [mine]454-jesse . [I]454-jesse nod [my]454-jesse head to [myself]454-jesse , determined to stand [my]454-jesse ground , no matter how much [she]238-ava begs and no matter what [she]238-ava promises [me]454-jesse . “[454-jesse] No , [I]454-jesse say firmly . “[454-jesse] Not even for a million jars of [Sun - Pat]35-sun - pat and two million Apology Fucks . No . ” “[35-sun - pat] But [I]0-i hate [them]343-them , [she]238-ava whines , pushing out [her]238-ava bottom lip . [I]0-i reach down and sink [my]0-i teeth into it . “[0-i] Ouch ! ” “[0-i] The answer will always be no . [She]238-ava wrenches [herself]238-ava free of [my]0-i bite , hissing in pain as [she]238-ava does . Call [me]0-i unreasonable , but it ca n’t hurt as much as what [she]238-ava ’s suggesting . “[0-i] Just listen . [My]0-i hands sacrifice [her]238-ava arse to cover [my]0-i ears . “[0-i] Definitely not . ” “[454-jesse] [Jesse]454-jesse . [I]0-i close [my]0-i eyes . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m not listening . [I]238-ava feel [her]238-ava lift from [my]238-ava body , obviously accepting that [she]238-ava ’s going to get nowhere . Good . [I]238-ava hope [she]238-ava ’s thinking about how unreasonable [she]238-ava ’s being . A boob job ? [I]238-ava scoff to [myself]238-ava in [my]238-ava darkness . [She]238-ava ’s got more chance of [me]238-ava divorcing [her]238-ava . When [I]238-ava ’ve heard no sounds for a good few minutes , [I]238-ava assume [she]238-ava ’s given up and [the coast]2109-the coast is clear , so [I]238-ava gingerly open one eye to check [I]238-ava ’m alone . [I]238-ava ’m not . [I]238-ava ’d snap [my]238-ava eyes closed again , but something in [her]238-ava hand just caught [my]238-ava eye . The shower hose ? [She]238-ava ’s pulled it from the cubicle and has it pointed at [me]238-ava in the bath . [I]238-ava frown , suddenly noticing the water has drained from the tub . No ! [I]238-ava try to get up quickly , slipping and sliding over the remaining bubbles coating the enamel of the bath . “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava ! [I]238-ava ’m hit with water . Freezing fucking cold shards of torture . “[238-ava] Fuck ! [I]238-ava lose [my]238-ava footing and crash to the bottom on the tub . “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava , for fuck ’s sake ! ” “[238-ava] Say [you]238-ava ’ll listen to [me]0-i , [she]238-ava demands , moving in as far as the length of hose on the showerhead will allow , which is pretty fucking close . [My]238-ava whole body goes into shock , leaving [me]238-ava at [[my]238-ava evil wife]2110-my evil wife ’s mercy . “[238-ava] Th - ree … , [I]238-ava chatter , wondering what [I]238-ava can do when [I]238-ava get to zero . [I]238-ava do n’t know , but it ’ll be bad . So fucking bad . “[238-ava] T - t - two … [I]238-ava start to shake like a twat , unable to escape . [Jesus]26-maddie , [I]238-ava feel like hypothermia is setting in . “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava ! ” “[238-ava] Will [you]238-ava listen ? [I]238-ava ca n’t even bring [myself]238-ava to get to zero . [I]238-ava ’m too fucking cold . “[238-ava] Okay ! For fuck ’s sake , okay ! ” The water shuts down in an instant , and [I]238-ava scramble from the bath and flop to [my]238-ava back on the floor , shivering . “[238-ava] Get [me]0-i a towel , [you]238-ava evil witch . ” A soft bundle of cotton lands on [my]238-ava face , and [I]238-ava make quick work of scrubbing at [my]238-ava body . “[238-ava] Why would [you]238-ava do that ? [I]238-ava snap , incensed . “[238-ava] If [my]0-i legs were n’t frozen solid , [you]238-ava ’d be getting the ultimate of all Retribution Fucks right now . ” “[0-i] [I]0-i ’ll look forward to it , [she]238-ava snipes , putting the hose back in the shower . Then [she]238-ava wanders over to [me]0-i , until [she]238-ava has one foot on either side of [my]0-i chest . [She]238-ava lowers and plants [her]238-ava arse on [my]0-i stomach , [her]238-ava hands on [my]0-i pecs , and starts rubbing over [my]0-i goose - bumped skin . “[0-i] Let [me]0-i warm [you]238-ava up . ” “[0-i] How kind . [I]344-the surgeon need an oven , a quick ten minutes at 180 degrees . [I]344-the surgeon ’m cold to the bone . “[344-the surgeon] [The surgeon]344-the surgeon said that a little — [I]344-the surgeon choke on nothing . “[344-the surgeon] [You]238-ava ’ve seen [a surgeon]344-the surgeon already ? ” Please , [God]373-god , tell [me]238-ava it was n’t [a man]224-a man . “[238-ava] [You]238-ava said [you]238-ava ’d listen . ” “[238-ava] And [I]0-i fucking hate what [I]0-i ’m hearing , [Ava]238-ava . [I]238-ava push [her]238-ava off [me]238-ava and get to [my]238-ava feet , stomping away . “[238-ava] [I]0-i ca n’t even look at [you]238-ava . [I]238-ava head for [the dressing room]258-the dressing room , where [I]238-ava rip down a clean T - shirt from a hanger . [I]238-ava do n’t know why ; [I]238-ava always sleep naked , but [I]238-ava need something to do with [my]238-ava hands or [I]238-ava ’m likely to strangle [her]238-ava beautiful neck . “[238-ava] If it was a bloke , do n’t tell [me]0-i . [I]238-ava could throw up . “[238-ava] Okay . [I]238-ava swing around , outraged . “[238-ava] So it was a bloke [you]238-ava flashed [my]0-i boobs to ? [She]238-ava shrugs . “[238-ava] [You]238-ava just told [me]0-i not to tell [you]238-ava . ” “[238-ava] But [you]238-ava just bloody did ! What the fuck , [Ava]238-ava ? [I]238-ava pull [my]238-ava T - shirt over [my]238-ava head and wrestle [my]238-ava arms through the sleeves , getting [myself]238-ava all caught up . “[238-ava] Fuck ! ” “[238-ava] It ’s just a boob job . [I]238-ava stop trying to get [my]238-ava T - shirt on , leaving [me]238-ava with [my]238-ava arms all bent and trapped somewhere around [[my]238-ava neck area]2113-my neck area . [Ava]238-ava ’s fighting to hold back [her]238-ava smirk . “[238-ava] Just get a knife and kill [me]0-i , because it ’ll hurt a lot fucking less than what [you]238-ava ’re suggesting . [I]0-i realize [my]0-i stupidity the moment the words have left [my]0-i mouth . [Ava]238-ava ’s hint of a grin vanishes , and [she]238-ava recoils , [her]238-ava watery eyes dropping to [my]0-i torso where two hefty scars mar [my]0-i skin . [I]0-i curse [my]0-i idiotic arse to hell and back a thousand times over as [I]0-i calmly untangle [my]0-i arms and pull [my]0-i T - shirt down [my]0-i body , hiding [my]0-i scars from [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie ’s sad eyes . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m sorry , [I]0-i breathe , feeling nothing short of awful . [Our]2115-our story is epic , but [I]0-i would rather it be missing that particular part . “[0-i] [I]0-i would never hurt [you]0-i , [she]26-maddie says quietly , turning and walking away from [me]60-jacob . [I]60-jacob ball [my]60-jacob fist and slam it onto [my]60-jacob forehead . “[60-jacob] [Baby]60-jacob , wait . [I]0-i chase after [her]26-maddie , grabbing [her]26-maddie wrist and swinging [her]26-maddie around . [She]26-maddie does n’t fight [me]0-i . [She]26-maddie does the exact opposite , in fact . [She]26-maddie launches [herself]26-maddie at [me]0-i and takes on [her]26-maddie customary baby chimp hold of [me]0-i , sinking [her]26-maddie face deep into [my]0-i neck . [I]0-i could n’t feel any more terrible . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m sorry . [I]0-i cling to [her]26-maddie , feeling the wetness of [her]26-maddie tears on [my]0-i neck . “[0-i] [I]0-i know it ’s been a long time . [She]26-maddie hiccups over [her]26-maddie words . “[0-i] But just remembering how terrified [I]0-i was when [I]0-i thought [I]0-i ’d lost [you]345-you makes [me]0-i feel it all again . And [I]0-i panic . Because look how in love [I]0-i was with [you]345-you back then . Look how much [I]0-i needed [you]345-you . Twelve years later , all of those feelings have multiplied by a million , and the thought of losing [you]345-you cripples [me]0-i , [Jesse]454-jesse . [She]26-maddie breathes in shakily . [I]454-jesse close [my]454-jesse eyes and make sure [I]454-jesse hold on to [her]26-maddie that little bit tighter . “[454-jesse] [No one]210-no one ’s going to take [me]0-i away , [I]345-you vow , meaning it with every fiber of [my]345-you being . “[345-you] [You]345-you talk like [you]345-you ’re indestructible . ” “[0-i] [I]0-i am . If [I]0-i have [you]345-you and [the kids]2010-the kids , nothing can touch [me]0-i , [Ava]238-ava . [I]238-ava force [her]238-ava away and scan [her]238-ava face , wiping [her]238-ava cheeks of tears . [We]2116-our do n’t talk about the events of that day . [Lauren]1535-lauren is still locked up in a padded cell somewhere under constant assessment , and there ’s a restraining order in place in case that ever changes . Which , [I]238-ava ’m advised , wo n’t . Premeditated attempted murder , carefully plotted and very nearly carefully executed . [No one]210-no one will be seeing [her]238-ava for a very long time . “[238-ava] Do n’t cry , [baby]238-ava . [I]0-i ’m afraid [you]345-you ’re stuck with [me]0-i . ” Reaching for [my]0-i hair , [she]238-ava tugs on a huff mixed with a little chuckle . “[0-i] That ’s not funny . ” “[238-ava] Shut up and kiss [me]0-i , [woman]238-ava . [She]238-ava ’s on [me]238-ava like a lion , all parts of [our]2116-our horrid past pushed away , leaving [room]2118-room for only the good memories . The amazing memories . Memories that [we]2116-our build on every day of [our]2116-our beautiful existence together . Just [us]2116-our and [[our]2116-our babies]2089-our babies . Chapter 5 As [I]238-ava dip and weave through the traffic on [Park Lane]2-park lane the following week , the roof of [[my]238-ava DB9 Volante]3-my db9 volante down , the wind rushing past , [I]238-ava dial [Drew]53-drew to pass the time on [my]238-ava way to [the health club]188-the health club . Just passing the time . “[238-ava] Afternoon ! [I]238-ava greet , all chipper when [he]263-argh answers . “[238-ava] Yes , what do [you]348-you want ? ” “[238-ava] That ’s no way to greet [a friend]263-argh . [I]238-ava grin to [myself]238-ava as [I]238-ava sail through an amber light and switch lanes , ignoring the honking of some knob in a Bentley . “[238-ava] What do [you]348-you want ? [he]263-argh repeats , sounding utterly bored by the conversation that has n’t even got off the ground yet . [I]238-ava ’m about to remedy that . “[238-ava] Just wondering how [you]348-you ’re feeling now [you]348-you ’re claimed for life . ” “[0-i] [I]0-i was claimed for life before [I]0-i put a ring on [her]263-argh finger . [I]263-argh smile , all warm and fuzzy on the inside for [[my]263-argh mate]263-argh . [We]2121-we ’d honestly lost all hope for [the kinky fucker]2122-the kinky fucker by the time [Raya]54-raya came into [his]2122-the kinky fucker life . “[263-argh] Congratulations , [mate]263-argh . [I]0-i ’m happy for [you]263-argh . So when ’s the big day ? ” “[263-argh] A couple of months . Exact date to be confirmed . ” “[263-argh] Shit , [you]263-argh ’re not messing around , are [you]263-argh ? ” “[263-argh] Did [you]263-argh just say that ? [He]263-argh laughs , truly amused . “[263-argh] [You]263-argh had [Ava]238-ava down [the aisle]350-the aisle within weeks of meeting [her]263-argh . [I]263-argh smile as [I]263-argh zip into [[my]263-argh designated parking space outside [the club]2003-the club]2123-my designated parking space outside the club and hop out , grabbing [my]263-argh sports bag from the boot . “[263-argh] Go big or go [home]201-home . [I]0-i ’ve just got to [the club]2003-the club . [I]0-i ’ll catch [you]263-argh later . ” Hanging up , [I]0-i jog into reception , looking around for [John]60-jacob . “[0-i] Hey , [Gaby]62-gaby , [I]62-gaby call to [one of [the girls who works [the reception area]208-the reception area]2125-the girls who works the reception area]2124-one of the girls who works the reception area . “[62-gaby] [You]263-argh seen [the big man]353-the big man ? ” A neon - pink , clawlike talon points up the stairs to the gym floor . “[353-the big man] Trying out the new weight machines . [I]454-jesse take the stairs two at a time , emerging into [the open - plan gym at the top]2127-the open - plan gym at the top . It ’s quiet now , [the mums]2128-the mums all departed to go collect [[their]2128-the mums kids]2129-their kids from [school]2011-school . Another hour and it ’ll be crammed again after [everyone]283-everyone has knocked off work . [I]454-jesse spot [John]60-jacob across the way and put [my]454-jesse hand up when [he]353-the big man nods to [me]454-jesse as [he]353-the big man loads weights onto the end of [a bar]2132-a bar . [I]454-jesse hope [I]454-jesse ’m still lifting when [I]454-jesse ’m [his]353-the big man age . [He]353-the big man makes time every day in between helping [us]2133-us run this place so [he]353-the big man can keep that huge body huge . [He]353-the big man flicks [his]353-the big man head , telling [me]454-jesse [he]353-the big man ’ll meet [me]454-jesse in [the office]192-the office , so [I]454-jesse make [my]454-jesse way there . [I]454-jesse walk in and find [Cherry]26-maddie at [[Ava]238-ava ’s desk]2135-ava ’s desk . [Her]238-ava head flicks up . “[454-jesse] [Jesse]454-jesse . [She]238-ava ’s up from [her]238-ava chair and quickly straightening out [her]238-ava skirt . “[454-jesse] [Ava]238-ava asked [me]0-i to check some invoices before [she]238-ava left to go get [Maddie]26-maddie and [Jacob]60-jacob . But if there ’s anything [you]60-jacob need … ? [I]0-i throw [my]0-i bag on the couch . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m good . ” “[63-tea] [Tea]63-tea ? Coffee ? Water ? [She]238-ava comes around the desk , smiling brightly . “[63-tea] Anything ? [I]0-i falter in [my]0-i steps toward the filing cabinet , looking back with a curious brow . Was there suggestion in [her]238-ava words just then ? “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m good , [I]0-i repeat , detecting a definite twinkle in [her]238-ava blue eyes . “[0-i] Well , if [you]60-jacob think of something … [Her]238-ava teeth sink into [her]238-ava bottom lip . Is [she]238-ava coming on to [me]26-maddie ? [She]238-ava must be twenty years younger than [me]26-maddie , and though it ’s a painful thought , [I]26-maddie ca n’t deny the small part of [my]26-maddie ego that thrives on that . Yep . Still got it . But [this woman]238-ava needs to be told that [I]26-maddie only have it for [[my]26-maddie wife]238-ava . “[26-maddie] [Cherry]26-maddie . [I]26-maddie turn back toward [her]26-maddie and make [my]26-maddie way over , seeing [her]26-maddie lip slip through [her]26-maddie bite , [her]26-maddie stance more confident . This needs nipping in the bud pretty damn quickly before [Cherry]26-maddie is faced with the wrath of [Ava]238-ava . [I]26-maddie shudder , but smile on the inside , too . [I]26-maddie ’m not the only possessive one in [our]354-our relationship . “[26-maddie] Perhaps [we]354-our ought to — [I]26-maddie ’m cut dead when [John]60-jacob strides in , [his]2136-his phone to [his]2136-his ear , talking to whoever is on the other end . “[26-maddie] The part is missing and [I]0-i want it here by morning . [He]2136-his hangs up and looks between [me]26-maddie and [Cherry]26-maddie . “[26-maddie] All right ? ” “[26-maddie] Yeah , [Cherry]26-maddie was just leaving . [She]26-maddie ’s off across [the office]2135-ava ’s desk fast , quickly closing the door behind [her]26-maddie . “[26-maddie] What was that about ? [John]60-jacob takes a seat opposite [[Ava]238-ava ’s desk]2135-ava ’s desk , while [I]0-i drop into [her]26-maddie chair . “[0-i] [I]0-i think [Cherry]26-maddie has a crush . [John]60-jacob ’s low rumbling laugh grates on [me]373-god . “[373-god] [God]373-god help [her]26-maddie if [Ava]238-ava finds out . [I]0-i ’ll have a word . ” “[0-i] Please do . [I]0-i wake up [Ava]238-ava ’s screen and tap in [her]238-ava password , smiling as [I]0-i do . THELORD3210 . “[0-i] Anything to report ? [I]0-i ask , scanning [my]0-i e - mails . [John]60-jacob does n’t answer , and [I]0-i lift [my]0-i head , catching [his]2138-his straight face . [I]0-i do n’t like that face . That ’s [his]2138-his ultraserious face . “[0-i] What ’s up ? [I]26-maddie ask , wary . “[26-maddie] [Sarah]26-maddie ’s back in [town]295-town . ” That ’s it . That ’s all [he]2138-his says , sitting back in [his]2138-his chair quietly while [I]26-maddie try to process what just came out of [his]2138-his mouth . [I]26-maddie ’m still . And suddenly very hot , though [I]26-maddie ca n’t figure out whether it ’s from fear or anger . Oh , fuck . Shit is going to fly when [Ava]238-ava finds out . [I]26-maddie have n’t seen [Sarah]26-maddie for years , and [I]26-maddie have no desire to now . Memories are flooding forward , too many , too fast . [I]26-maddie ca n’t do this again . [Uncle Carmichael]2143-uncle carmichael , [Rosie]66-rosie , [Rebecca]67-rebecca , the car accident . There is n’t a day goes by that [I]26-maddie do n’t stop what [I]26-maddie ’m doing at some point and think about [them]2139-them all . But [Sarah]26-maddie ? [I]26-maddie never think about [her]26-maddie or what [she]26-maddie tried to do to [me]26-maddie and [Ava]238-ava . And [I]26-maddie ’m not about to now . [My]26-maddie life is too perfect . “[26-maddie] Why ? ” is all [I]26-maddie manage . [John]60-jacob ’s huge shoulders jump up on a shrug . “[26-maddie] Things did n’t work out for [her]356-her in [the States]357-the states . ” It did n’t work out ? [I]26-maddie do n’t trust [her]356-her . [I]26-maddie gave [her]356-her money . [I]26-maddie gave [her]356-her [my]26-maddie blessing . But the one thing [I]26-maddie could n’t give [her]356-her was [my]26-maddie love . [I]26-maddie rake a hand through [my]26-maddie hair , feeling so fucking stressed . “[26-maddie] Tell [her]356-her to stay away from [me]0-i and [[my]0-i family]358-my family . ” “[26-maddie] Already done . But this is [Sarah]26-maddie , [Jesse]454-jesse . [I]0-i ca n’t watch [her]356-her every motherfucking second of the day . [I]356-her frown . “[356-her] Where is [she]356-her ? [John]60-jacob does n’t hold back [his]454-jesse answer , pulling off [his]454-jesse wraparounds so [I]356-her can appreciate how serious [he]454-jesse is . “[356-her] Staying with [me]0-i . [I]356-her balk at [him]454-jesse , but [his]454-jesse steely expression does n’t waver , [his]454-jesse face poker straight . “[356-her] Why the fuck would [you]359-you do that ? ” “[356-her] [She]356-her ’s broke , [Jesse]454-jesse . And broken , too . What did [you]359-you want [me]0-i to do ? Shut [my]0-i door in [her]356-her face ? ” “[356-her] Yes . [I]60-jacob stand , [my]60-jacob temper getting the better of [me]60-jacob . “[60-jacob] Fucking hell , [John]60-jacob . Have [you]359-you forgotten what [she]356-her did to [me]0-i and [Ava]238-ava ? [He]360-you stupid motherfucker ’s up out of [his]360-you stupid motherfucker chair like lightning , [his]360-you stupid motherfucker big body looming forward . “[238-ava] Shut the fuck up , [[you]359-you stupid motherfucker]360-you stupid motherfucker . [He]360-you stupid motherfucker slams [his]360-you stupid motherfucker fist into the wood . “[238-ava] [You]359-you and [Ava]238-ava are exactly why [she]238-ava ’s staying at [mine]0-i . [I]238-ava frown and [he]360-you stupid motherfucker goes on . “[238-ava] [I]0-i told [her]238-ava [she]238-ava can stay a few weeks until [she]238-ava gets [herself]238-ava back on [her]238-ava feet , but only if [she]238-ava stays out of [your]359-you way . [I]60-jacob shrink a little . It ’s not something [many people]2140-many people can make [me]60-jacob do . [Only two people]2141-only two people , in fact . [[My]60-jacob wife]26-maddie , and [this man]2143-uncle carmichael right here . [The man who has been by [my]60-jacob side for over thirty years]2143-uncle carmichael . [[My]60-jacob uncle ’s best friend]2143-uncle carmichael , and now [[my]60-jacob best friend]2143-uncle carmichael . [I]60-jacob feel a pang of guilt — not toward [Sarah]26-maddie , but toward [[my]60-jacob oldest friend]2143-uncle carmichael . [He]2143-uncle carmichael did n’t ask for this . For all the decades [this amazing man]2143-uncle carmichael has been in [my]60-jacob life , [his]2143-uncle carmichael loyalty has never once wavered . [He]2143-uncle carmichael ’s been a rock , looked out for [me]60-jacob . [I]60-jacob honestly do n’t know where [I]60-jacob would be today without [him]2143-uncle carmichael . And here [he]2143-uncle carmichael is still doing right by [me]60-jacob . “[60-jacob] [John]60-jacob” “[60-jacob] Shut up . [He]2143-uncle carmichael gets up , slipping [his]2143-uncle carmichael wraparounds back on . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m taking care of it . [I]0-i just did n’t want to keep it from [you]60-jacob . ” “[361-big man] Thanks , [big man]361-big man . ” “[361-big man] No need . [He]2143-uncle carmichael strides out of [the office]192-the office , and [I]361-big man try to breathe in some calm . [I]361-big man ca n’t leave [Ava]238-ava in the dark over this . [I]361-big man grab [my]361-big man phone to call [her]238-ava , but an incoming call flashes up before [I]361-big man can dial . [I]361-big man frown down at [the kids]2010-the kids ’ school number , answering quickly . “[361-big man] Hello ? ” “[57-mr. ward] [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward , it ’s [Mrs. Chilton]68-mrs. chilton , [Maddie]26-maddie and [[Jacob]60-jacob ’s teacher]362-jacob ’s teacher . [My]26-maddie heartbeat naturally quickens as it always does when an unexpected call comes in from [the school]2041-the school . [I]26-maddie instantly think the worst — [one of [them]2010-the kids]2147-one of them has hurt [themselves]2010-the kids or maybe is n’t feeling well . “[26-maddie] Is everything okay ? [The kids]2010-the kids ? ” “[2010-the kids] Yes , yes , [they]2010-the kids ’re fine . [My]2010-the kids lungs drain with relief , [my]2010-the kids head falling back on the chair . “[2010-the kids] Then why the call ? ” “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m sure it ’s nothing to worry about , [she]245-my girl begins , obviously making [me]0-i worry . All sorts of things start flying around in [my]0-i head , starting with [that dirty little pervert who ’s sweet on [[my]0-i girl]245-my girl]2148-that dirty little pervert who ’s sweet on my girl . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’ll decide that , [I]0-i reply curtly . “[0-i] [You]0-i see , [[your]0-i wife]245-my girl has n’t shown up to pick up [the children from [school]2011-school]2010-the kids . [We]366-we ’ve tried calling [Mrs. Ward]26-maddie ’s mobile , but it ’s gone to voicemail each time . [We]366-we ’ve left a message . ” “[245-my girl] [She]245-my girl ’s never late to collect [the kids]2010-the kids . [I]245-my girl glance at [my]245-my girl watch to see it ’s three forty - five , a good half hour since [school]2011-school finished . “[245-my girl] [I]0-i know , [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward . Like [I]0-i said , [I]0-i ’m sure [she]245-my girl ’s simply got caught in traffic , and maybe [her]245-my girl phone has died . ” “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m on [my]0-i way . [I]0-i hang up and race out [the office]192-the office , nearly taking a startled [Cherry]26-maddie from [her]26-maddie feet on [my]0-i way . “[0-i] When did [Ava]238-ava leave ? [I]238-ava ask urgently over [my]238-ava shoulder as [I]238-ava sprint past [her]26-maddie . “[238-ava] Two thirty . The usual time . [I]238-ava fight [my]238-ava heart down from [my]238-ava throat , immediately dialing [Ava]238-ava as [I]238-ava run full pelt out of [the health club]188-the health club . [I]238-ava land in the seat of [[my]238-ava car]235-my car heavily , and just like [I]238-ava dreaded , [Ava]238-ava ’s phone goes to voicemail . “[238-ava] Fuck ! [I]238-ava start [[my]238-ava car]235-my car and speed out of [the car park]2152-the car park , heading for [the main road]2153-the main road . Right or wrong , [I]238-ava skip the red light . [I]238-ava ’m a thirty - minute drive from [the school]2041-the school , twenty if [I]238-ava break the speed limit . [I]238-ava try [Ava]238-ava ’s phone again , but once again get [her]238-ava voicemail , and [my]238-ava worry deepens with every minute that passes and [I]238-ava ca n’t get hold of [her]238-ava . “[238-ava] Where are [you]367-you , beautiful ? [I]238-ava hear [Ava]238-ava in [my]238-ava head telling [me]238-ava that [I]238-ava ’m neurotic . Maybe [I]238-ava am . But nothing will ease [my]238-ava panic until [I]238-ava see with [my]238-ava own eyes that [she]238-ava ’s okay . [I]238-ava join [the road that ’ll take [me]238-ava to [the kids]2010-the kids ’ school]2155-the road that ’ll take me to the kids ’ school , being able to pick up speed now the traffic is moving more freely . [I]238-ava try to pull up the app on [my]238-ava phone that tracks all [[our]2157-our cars]2158-our cars , but the damn thing wo n’t load . “[238-ava] Fuck ! [I]238-ava dial [Ava]238-ava again , mentally demanding [she]238-ava answers . “[238-ava] Come on , come on . ” “[238-ava] Hello ? ” Relief . So much fucking relief . But the relief of actually getting an answer dies the second [my]238-ava brain registers that whoever has answered is n’t [Ava]238-ava . “[238-ava] Who ’s this ? ” “[238-ava] Who ’s this ? ” “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m [the husband of [the woman whose phone [you]370-you have]369-the woman whose phone you have]368-the husband of the woman whose phone you have , [I]0-i state curtly , [my]0-i patience now completely evaporated . “[0-i] [I]0-i apologize . The caller [ID]69-id stated ‘ [the Lord]371-the lord . ’ ” “[371-the lord] Nickname , [I]57-mr. ward mutter , slowly concluding that [[my]57-mr. ward silly wife]26-maddie has lost [her]26-maddie phone and [this lady]26-maddie has found it . “[57-mr. ward] [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward , is it ? [[Your]370-you wife]26-maddie is [Ava Ward]238-ava ? ” “[238-ava] How do [you]370-you know [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie ’s name ? [She]26-maddie has [her]26-maddie phone , not [her]26-maddie life story . “[373-god] [[Her]26-maddie driver]373-god ’s license . ” It all becomes clear . “[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie ’s lost [her]26-maddie bag . [I]26-maddie sigh , more relief washing over [me]26-maddie , yet [my]26-maddie foot does n’t ease up on the accelerator . “[26-maddie] [I]0-i ’m afraid not , [sir]373-god . [My]0-i name is [PC Barnes]70-pc barnes . [She]26-maddie pauses for a few long seconds , giving [me]70-pc barnes a moment to let that information settle . “[70-pc barnes] [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward . [Her]26-maddie voice has noticeably softened . Dread fills [me]0-i . [My]0-i heart speeds up . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m on the scene of a road traffic accident , and [I]0-i believe [[your]0-i wife]26-maddie is one of the casualties . [My]0-i tongue thickens in [my]0-i mouth . “[0-i] What ? ” “[373-god] [Sir]373-god[Her]26-maddie words blend and warp , fading into nothing as [I]26-maddie stare ahead at [the road]2159-the road . An accident . Casualties . [[My]26-maddie wife]26-maddie . [I]26-maddie see blue lights flashing in [my]26-maddie mind ’s eye , bright and frightening , making [me]26-maddie blink to clear [them]2160-they . But [they]2160-they do n’t fade and it takes [me]26-maddie a second to figure out why . [They]2160-they ’re not in [my]26-maddie mind ’s eye . [They]2160-they ’re in the distance . Everything ’s a blur . Noise , movement , [my]26-maddie heartbeat . [I]26-maddie hear the sirens . [I]26-maddie hear [[my]26-maddie car]235-my car screeching to a stop . [I]26-maddie hear [[my]26-maddie car]235-my car door slamming behind [me]26-maddie as [I]26-maddie eject [myself]26-maddie from [my]26-maddie seat . [I]26-maddie hear [my]26-maddie feet pounding [the road]2159-the road as [I]26-maddie sprint toward the carnage up ahead , seeing [Ava]238-ava ’s mangled Mini upended on the opposite side of [the road]2159-the road . “[26-maddie] Oh [[my]0-i God]26-maddie . [I]26-maddie choke . Every window is shattered ; the two front tires are missing , ripped from the body of [the car]235-my car . [Skid]71-skid marks zigzag the tarmac of [the road]2159-the road before abruptly ending . [The world]2163-the world starts spinning , [my]26-maddie breathing slowing . [Crowds of people]2164-crowds of people are blocking [my]26-maddie path , and [I]26-maddie fight [my]26-maddie way through , shoving them to the side as [I]26-maddie try to make it to the center of the madness . “[26-maddie] Please , no , [I]26-maddie wheeze , staggering mindlessly through the throngs of [spectators]2165-spectators . “[26-maddie] Please , [God]373-god , no . ” A rough , broken sob rips through [my]26-maddie body when [I]26-maddie catch sight of [the gurney]2166-the gurney , and [my]26-maddie legs buckle , bringing [me]26-maddie to [my]26-maddie knees . “[26-maddie] No ! [Straps]72-straps circle [her]72-straps body , a breathing mask over [her]72-straps face . Blood is everywhere . [She]72-straps looks utterly broken , so fragile and damaged . [My]26-maddie heart shreds in [my]26-maddie chest . “[26-maddie] God , no . ” The closer [I]373-god get to [her]72-straps , the more damage [I]373-god see . “[373-god] [Sir]373-god , move aside ! ” a paramedic yells , wheeling [Ava]238-ava toward [an ambulance]2167-an ambulance . “[373-god] [I]0-i ’m [[her]0-i husband]26-maddie , [I]373-god tell [him]26-maddie , scanning [her]0-i body , trying to comprehend the amount of blood soaking [her]0-i . [Her]0-i head is the worst , [her]0-i long dark hair drenched in red . “[373-god] Is [she]0-i going to be okay ? ” It ’s all [I]194-kate can think to ask , and it ’s instinctual , because [I]194-kate do n’t know if [anyone]305-anyone could be okay with this much blood loss . And when [I]194-kate get no answer from any of the rushing paramedics , it becomes clear that [they]2169-they agree with [me]194-kate . A lump in [my]194-kate throat expands as [I]194-kate jog alongside the gurney , tears brimming in [my]194-kate eyes . [Her]0-i beautiful face is drained of color underneath the blood coating nearly every inch of [her]0-i skin . “[194-kate] Hold on , [baby]194-kate , [I]194-kate demand softly . “[194-kate] Do n’t [you]194-kate dare leave [me]0-i . ” “[194-kate] [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward ? [I]70-pc barnes look across the bed , seeing a female police officer holding [Ava]238-ava ’s bag . “[70-pc barnes] [PC Barnes]70-pc barnes . [We]378-we spoke . [I]378-we nod , casting [my]378-we eyes back to [the ambulance where [Ava]238-ava is being hooked up to all kinds of machinery]381-the ambulance . “[378-we] [She]70-pc barnes did n’t show up to pick up [the kids]2010-the kids from [school]2011-school , [I]70-pc barnes whisper in a daze of ruin . “[70-pc barnes] [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward , come with [me]0-i . [We]378-we ’ll follow [the ambulance]381-the ambulance . ” “[378-we] No , [I]0-i ’m going with [Ava]238-ava . [I]0-i shake [my]0-i head , harshly wiping away the tears . “[0-i] [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward . [PC Barnes]70-pc barnes steps forward , [her]364-your wife face soaked in sympathy that [I]57-mr. ward just ca n’t handle . It ’s wasted , because [Ava]238-ava ’s going to be okay . Damn it , [she]364-your wife ’s going to be okay ! [I]57-mr. ward look away from [the police officer]2170-the police officer , seeing urgent hands working on [her]364-your wife lifeless body . “[57-mr. ward] [[Your]0-i wife]364-your wife is in critical condition , [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward . [You]0-i need to give the paramedics space to do [their]383-their thing . [I]0-i ’ll get [you]0-i to [the hospital]384-the hospital just as fast . [I]0-i close [my]0-i eyes , praying for some stability in [my]0-i breaking world . This is n’t the time to be throwing [my]0-i weight around , though [I]0-i ’m desperate to go on a rampage until [someone]293-someone tells [me]0-i [she]364-your wife ’s going to be okay . [She]364-your wife has to be okay . [I]0-i ca n’t exist without [her]364-your wife . The thought alone punches a hole through [my]0-i chest , and [I]0-i ’m forced to bend and brace [my]0-i hands on [my]0-i knees to breathe through the bolts of pain attacking [me]0-i . “[0-i] [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward ? [I]57-mr. ward swallow and nod as [I]57-mr. ward stare at the ground , [my]57-mr. ward stomach turning . [I]57-mr. ward could throw up . “[57-mr. ward] Okay . [I]57-mr. ward breathe , trying to focus on getting air into [my]57-mr. ward lungs . But in [my]57-mr. ward current state , [I]57-mr. ward ’m not capable of focusing on anything but [my]57-mr. ward prayers . “[57-mr. ward] This way . [PC Barnes]70-pc barnes rests [her]70-pc barnes hand on [my]0-i forearm , gently coaxing [me]0-i from [my]0-i daze . But it ’s the slam of the ambulance doors that brings [me]0-i back to [the circus surrounding [me]0-i]2172-the circus surrounding me . [I]0-i walk with purpose toward [the police car]2173-the police car , looking back at the mangled mess of metal that was [Ava]238-ava ’s Mini . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’ll have [a colleague]385-a colleague bring [[your]386-you car]2161-the car to [the hospital]384-the hospital . Do [you]386-you have the keys ? [I]389-i mindlessly tap [my]389-i pockets down in search of [them]389-i . “[389-i] [They]389-i ’re in [the car]2161-the car , [I]389-i mutter . “[389-i] And [you]386-you mentioned [[your]386-you children]2012-the twins , [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward . Would [you]386-you like [me]0-i to have [someone]293-someone collect [them]293-someone ? [She]293-someone opens the passenger door for [me]2012-the twins , and [I]2012-the twins fall into the seat . “[2012-the twins] [The twins]2012-the twins , [I]2012-the twins say to the windscreen . “[2012-the twins] [I]0-i said [I]0-i was on [my]0-i way . [They]2012-the twins ’ll be wondering where [I]0-i am . [I]2012-the twins start to root through [my]2012-the twins pocket for [my]2012-the twins phone . “[2012-the twins] [[Ava]238-ava ’s friend]392-ava ’s friend . [I]0-i ’ll call [[Ava]238-ava ’s friend]392-ava ’s friend . [I]454-jesse dial [Kate]194-kate without thinking , so when [she]194-kate answers , [I]454-jesse ’m totally unprepared for what to say and [my]454-jesse throat closes up on [me]454-jesse , leaving [Kate]194-kate calling [my]454-jesse name repeatedly in prompt . What do [I]454-jesse say ? Where do [I]454-jesse start ? “[454-jesse] [Jesse]454-jesse , are [you]454-jesse there ? [she]194-kate asks , now full - blown worried . “[454-jesse] Hello ? [Jesse]454-jesse ? [PC Barnes]70-pc barnes gets into [the car]2161-the car beside [me]454-jesse and looks across at [me]454-jesse , where [I]454-jesse ’m static , [my]454-jesse phone hanging limply in [my]454-jesse hand . [I]454-jesse cough , clearing [my]454-jesse throat , but no matter how hard [I]454-jesse try to speak , nothing comes . [I]454-jesse ca n’t talk . Ca n’t speak the words . [Ca]73-ca n’t tell [Kate]194-kate that [[her]194-kate friend]194-kate looks like [she]194-kate ’s at death ’s door . The blood . So much blood . “[454-jesse] It ’s [Ava]238-ava[My]0-i words fade , [my]0-i eyes clouding over again . “[0-i] [I]0-i[PC Barnes]70-pc barnes takes [my]0-i phone and switches on [her]70-pc barnes sympathetic , professional tone , speaking calmly as [she]70-pc barnes explains to [Kate]194-kate without too much detail that [Ava]238-ava has been involved in an accident and [the twins]2012-the twins need to be picked up from [school]2011-school . [I]0-i hear [Kate]194-kate ’s gasp . [I]0-i hear [her]194-kate agree without question or prying into details of [Ava]238-ava ’s condition . [She]194-kate knows . “[0-i] Ask [her]238-ava to call [[Ava]238-ava ’s parents]393-ava ’s parents , [I]0-i mumble . “[0-i] And tell [her]238-ava to tell [the twins]2012-the twins that [Mum]32-mum ’s okay . [I]32-mum look across at [the ambulance]381-the ambulance when the sirens come to life and invade [my]32-mum ears . “[32-mum] [She]32-mum ’s going to be okay . ” After following [my]32-mum request , [PC Barnes]70-pc barnes hangs up and starts [the car]2161-the car , pulling out quickly and tailing [the ambulance]381-the ambulance . [I]32-mum just stare at the back doors the whole way . It ’s the longest journey of [my]32-mum life . Chapter 6 Touch and go . The words whirl around in [my]32-mum head as [I]32-mum pace [the corridor]195-the corridor , desperate to be with [Ava]238-ava . If not for [John]60-jacob holding [me]32-mum back , [I]32-mum would have burst through the doors into [the operating room]2180-the operating room just to threaten [the doctors]2181-the doctors with [their]2181-the doctors life if [they]2181-the doctors do n’t save [her]238-ava . [[Her]238-ava parents]2182-her parents have remained quiet and in shock , sitting on the hard plastic chairs in [the corridor]195-the corridor , [Joseph]51-joseph comforting [[his]51-joseph wife]51-joseph each time the tears creep up on [her]238-ava and [she]238-ava falls apart . With each second that passes with no news , the ache in [my]32-mum heart intensifies . Such a deep ache . [I]32-mum stop pacing and fall back against a wall , looking up to the tubular lighting of [the corridor]195-the corridor . [She]238-ava ’s been in there for hours . How much longer will [they]2010-the kids be ? What are [they]2010-the kids doing that ’s taking so much time ? A hand lands on [my]32-mum shoulder , and [Joseph]51-joseph offers a weak smile . “[32-mum] [Kate]194-kate ’s just texted . [The twins]2010-the kids are fine . [She]194-kate and [Sam]50-sam have been vague with [them]2010-the kids until [we]2010-the kids know what ’s going on . [Kate]194-kate said [she]194-kate ’d keep [them]2010-the kids overnight and take [them]2010-the kids to [school]2011-school in the morning . [I]0-i think it ’s best to try and keep things as normal as possible for now . [I]0-i nod , a barrage of guilt grabbing [me]0-i . [My]0-i thoughts have been so consumed with worry for [Ava]238-ava , [I]0-i ’ve hardly thought about [the kids]2010-the kids . What [they]2010-the kids must be thinking . How [they]2010-the kids must be feeling . “[0-i] Thanks , [Joseph]51-joseph . ” “[51-joseph] Are [you]51-joseph going to call [them]2010-the kids ? ” Call [them]2010-the kids ? Speak to [them]2010-the kids ? [I]0-i ca n’t trust [my]0-i voice to remain strong , and if [I]0-i did , what would [I]0-i say ? “[0-i] [I]0-i ’ll text [them]2010-the kids . [He]51-joseph nods , understanding . “[424-elizabeth] [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth and [I]0-i are going to get some fresh air and drinks . Do [you]51-joseph want some water ? ” “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m fine . ” “[0-i] Get [him]51-joseph some water . [John]60-jacob intervenes , and [I]397-i do n’t argue . [I]397-i do n’t have the strength . After [[Ava]238-ava ’s parents]393-ava ’s parents have left [us]2184-us , [John]60-jacob drags [me]397-i over to a chair and forces [me]397-i down to the seat . [I]397-i land with a thud and feel immediately restless again . [I]397-i need [someone]293-someone to come and tell [me]397-i what the fuck is going on . “[397-i] [She]397-i ’ll be all right . [John]60-jacob ’s usually booming voice is soft and reassuring , though [I]397-i take no reassurance from it . [He]51-joseph did n’t see the blood , [her]397-i pale face , the wreck that was [[her]397-i car]226-her car . [I]397-i drop [my]397-i elbows to [my]397-i knees and bury [my]397-i face in [my]397-i palms . “[397-i] [She]397-i has to be , [John]60-jacob . Because if [I]0-i do n’t have [Ava]238-ava , then [I]0-i may as well be dead , too . ” “[0-i] Stop that , [[you]60-jacob stupid motherfucker]360-you stupid motherfucker . [He]360-you stupid motherfucker physically shakes [me]360-you stupid motherfucker by the shoulders . “[360-you stupid motherfucker] [You]60-jacob need to be strong . For [the kids]2010-the kids and [Ava]238-ava . Are [you]60-jacob listening to [me]0-i ? [His]360-you stupid motherfucker voice gets louder until it ’s back to its usual penetrating rumble . [I]400-doctor nod . It ’s pathetic . But before [I]400-doctor can respond , the doors to [the operating room]2180-the operating room swing open and [I]400-doctor ’m up out of [my]400-doctor seat like lightning . “[400-doctor] [Doctor]400-doctor . [My]400-doctor heart starts racing , [my]400-doctor stomach doing somersaults . “[400-doctor] [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward , [I]0-i ’m [Dr. Peters]74-dr. peters . [His]74-dr. peters expression is solemn . “[74-dr. peters] Please , take a seat . [He]74-dr. peters points to the chair [I]74-dr. peters ’ve just vacated . “[74-dr. peters] No , [I]0-i refuse point - blank . “[0-i] [I]0-i do n’t need to sit down . [I]0-i hold [my]0-i breath , begging to [God]373-god that [I]0-i really do n’t need to sit down . That what [he]74-dr. peters ’s about to tell [me]0-i wo n’t rip [my]0-i world apart , and therefore rip [me]0-i apart . [The doctor]2188-the doctor relents easily , and [John]60-jacob gets up , coming to stand close beside [me]0-i . [He]74-dr. peters ’s preparing . [He]74-dr. peters ’s preparing to catch [me]0-i when [I]0-i collapse in devastation . “[0-i] [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward , [Ava]238-ava has had a rather nasty blow to the head that has caused severe swelling on [her]238-ava brain . [I]238-ava stare at [the doctor]2188-the doctor ’s mouth moving , [his]2188-the doctor words coming slowly and clearly , each one stabbing into [my]238-ava flesh . “[238-ava] A nasty cut to [her]238-ava leg severed one of [her]238-ava main arteries , too . Between that and [her]238-ava head injury , [she]238-ava ’s lost nearly eighty percent of [her]238-ava blood volume , so [we]401-we ’re working hard to replace it in a series of transfusions over the next twenty - four hours . Right now , [she]238-ava ’s stable but in critical condition . [We]401-we ’ll do another CT scan in the morning to see if there is any improvement , but the extent of the damage will only be determined … [He]57-mr. ward fades off , clearing [his]57-mr. ward throat . “[238-ava] When [she]238-ava comes around , [he]57-mr. ward finishes meekly , and [I]238-ava just know [he]57-mr. ward held back from adding if . If [she]238-ava comes around . [My]238-ava dark world becomes darker , [my]238-ava aching heart clenching painfully . “[238-ava] The rest of [her]238-ava injuries are pretty superficial . The odd laceration here and there , and X - rays have confirmed no broken bones . It seems [her]238-ava head took the worst . [My]238-ava mind struggles to absorb the influx of information . “[238-ava] Damage , [I]402-you whisper . “[402-you] [You]402-you said damage . [You]402-you mean brain damage ? ” “[402-you] [I]0-i ca n’t rule it out , [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward . [Ava]238-ava is being transferred to the ICU . ” Just as [he]57-mr. ward tells [me]238-ava that , the doors open again and [two porters]2189-two porters , along with [a nurse]2190-a nurse , push a huge hospital bed into [the corridor]195-the corridor . [I]238-ava cough on nothing , a low sob forcing [me]238-ava to cover [my]238-ava mouth . “[238-ava] [Motherfucker]75-motherfucker , [John]60-jacob breathes in , shocked , [his]57-mr. ward arm coming up around [my]238-ava shoulders to hold [me]238-ava upright . “[238-ava] [She]238-ava ’s going to be all right , [he]57-mr. ward says again , but this time [I]238-ava can tell [he]57-mr. ward does n’t really believe it . How could [he]57-mr. ward ? [I]238-ava can barely see [her]238-ava past all the tubes , wires , and machinery . But what [I]238-ava can see makes [my]238-ava heart slow to the point [I]238-ava think it might stop . [[My]238-ava beautiful girl]26-maddie is grey , the blood loss obvious . [[My]238-ava strong , feisty wife]26-maddie looks weak . So small and frail . [She]26-maddie looks as broken as [I]238-ava feel . [I]238-ava have the fight of [my]238-ava life on [my]238-ava hands . And [I]238-ava ’m feeling like [I]238-ava ’m on the cusp of the greatest loss [I]238-ava could ever face . Chapter 7 A nasty blow to [her]26-maddie head . Swelling on [her]26-maddie brain . A coma . Brain damage . Blood transfusions . Critical . Each word is a stab in the chest . [I]238-ava ’ve barely moved an inch from this chair . [I]238-ava ’ve drifted in and out of sleep , and [my]238-ava hand has been in [hers]26-maddie from the moment [they]2193-they allowed [me]238-ava into [[her]26-maddie room]2021-her room . It ’s like a fishbowl , two walls made up of windows , allowing [everyone]283-everyone in [ICU]76-icu visual access to [[my]238-ava wife]26-maddie . While [her]26-maddie skin has taken on more color after the endless transfusions , [she]26-maddie ’s still not awake . There are wires everywhere , machines surrounding [her]26-maddie . There ’s barely enough room for [me]238-ava beside [her]26-maddie bed . The CT scan yesterday evening revealed no improvement , just like yesterday morning ’s scan . No reduction of swelling , and though [I]238-ava ’m trying to be hopeful , [I]238-ava know it ’s unlikely this morning ’s scan will show any signs of improvement , either . It ’s been two days . [I]238-ava need to see [[my]238-ava babies]261-my kids . [I]238-ava have to reassure [them]261-my kids that [Mummy]77-mummy ’s going to be okay , that [she]77-mummy ’ll wake up soon and [we]2197-we ’ll all go [home]201-home together . Even if [I]238-ava have no idea whether it ’s true . The sting at the back of [my]238-ava eyes forces [me]238-ava to close [them]261-my kids before any more tears can escape . [I]238-ava ’ve stalled letting [them]261-my kids come here , hoping and praying that [the doctors]2181-the doctors will give [me]238-ava news so [I]238-ava wo n’t have to lie to [[my]238-ava children]261-my kids . But the news [I]238-ava ’ve hoped for has n’t come , and [I]238-ava ca n’t stall any longer . It ’s time to face [my]238-ava responsibilities and give [[my]238-ava kids]261-my kids what [they]261-my kids need . [Me]238-ava . [[Their]261-my kids dad]2200-their dad . [I]238-ava ’m just so fucking crushed that [I]238-ava ca n’t give [them]261-my kids [[their]261-my kids mum]2201-their mum , too . When [my]238-ava phone alerts [me]238-ava of a text from [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth , [I]238-ava force [myself]238-ava to drop [Ava]238-ava ’s hand and get up out of the chair . [My]238-ava muscles scream [their]261-my kids protest , [my]238-ava bones cracking . After dropping a soft kiss on [Ava]238-ava ’s forehead , [I]238-ava walk down [the corridor]195-the corridor to the café where [I]238-ava ’ve arranged to meet [[her]238-ava parents]2012-the twins with [the kids]2012-the twins . [I]238-ava hear [both of [the twins]2012-the twins]2012-the twins before [I]238-ava see [them]2012-the twins . Two voices calling for [me]238-ava . [I]238-ava come to a stop , seeing [their]2012-the twins faces for the first time in too long . It takes everything in [me]238-ava not to drop to [my]238-ava knees . [I]238-ava ’m fucking broken , but [I]238-ava ca n’t let [them]2012-the twins see that . [Maddie]26-maddie and [Jacob]60-jacob crash into [me]238-ava and throw [their]2012-the twins arms around [my]238-ava torso , cuddling [me]238-ava fiercely , each of [their]2012-the twins faces buried in [my]238-ava chest . The feel of them against [me]238-ava offers a mild comfort . For the most part , [my]238-ava dread has tripled , because now [they]2012-the twins ’re here . Now [I]238-ava have to be [a man]224-a man and comfort [[my]238-ava babies]216-my babies once [I]238-ava ’ve delivered the blow that [I]238-ava know will shatter [their]2012-the twins worlds . “[238-ava] Where ’s [Mum]32-mum ? [Jacob]60-jacob asks into [my]26-maddie chest . “[26-maddie] [Nan]26-maddie says [she]32-mum ’s sick . Too sick to see [us]403-us . [I]32-mum close [my]32-mum eyes , clenching them tightly . “[32-mum] [She]32-mum ’s going to be okay . [I]32-mum grate the words , not just for [the twins]2012-the twins , but for [me]32-mum , too . “[32-mum] Trust [[your]26-maddie daddy]404-your daddy . [She]32-mum is going to be okay . ” “[32-mum] [I]0-i want to see [her]32-mum . [Maddie]26-maddie breaks away from [me]32-mum , [her]32-mum face blotchy from tears . “[32-mum] Please , [Daddy]26-maddie . ” This suddenly does n’t feel like a good idea . [Ava]238-ava does n’t look like [herself]238-ava . [She]238-ava does n’t look like [[their]2012-the twins mum]2201-their mum . [I]79-darling crouch down in front of [her]32-mum , taking [[my]79-darling little girl]32-mum ’s hand . “[79-darling] [Darling]79-darling , [I]0-i do n’t think … [she]32-mum ’s … [I]32-mum clear [my]32-mum throat , pulling [myself]32-mum together to get the words out even and strong . “[32-mum] [Mum]32-mum ’s not [herself]32-mum . [She]32-mum lost a lot of blood , so [she]32-mum ’s very pale . Very weak . [Maddie]26-maddie ’s chin trembles , and [I]405-i look to [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth , shaking [my]405-i head . [I]405-i ca n’t let [them]406-them see [her]32-mum like that . Look what it ’s done to [me]405-i . [I]405-i ’m barely holding [myself]405-i together . “[405-i] [You]405-i ca n’t stop [us]406-them , [Jacob]60-jacob yells , stepping back . “[32-mum] [She]32-mum ’s [[our]406-them mum]32-mum . [My]407-my exhausted body lets [me]407-my down , and before [I]407-my can stop [him]60-jacob , [Jacob]60-jacob takes off down [the corridor]195-the corridor , [Maddie]26-maddie quick on [his]60-jacob heels . [I]407-my drag [myself]407-my up , watching as [[my]407-my boy]60-jacob slows to let [[his]60-jacob sister]2209-his sister catch up before taking [her]32-mum hand and leading [her]32-mum on . The fact that [they]2210-they do n’t know exactly where [[Ava]238-ava ’s room]2211-ava ’s room is wo n’t faze [[my]407-my babies]216-my babies . Like [[their]2210-they father]2213-their father , [they]2210-they are determined . [They]2210-they have a sixth sense when it comes to [Ava]238-ava , too . [They]2210-they ’ll sniff [her]238-ava out in no time at all . [I]407-my slowly follow , rounding the corner to find [them]2210-they standing at the glass window , staring into [[Ava]238-ava ’s room]2211-ava ’s room , holding each other ’s hands . [I]407-my study them silently , each of [their]2210-they faces a picture of pure shock . Then [Maddie]26-maddie breaks down and [Jacob]60-jacob turns into [her]26-maddie , grabbing [[his]60-jacob sister]2209-his sister and hugging [her]26-maddie . The sight could bring [me]407-my to [my]407-my knees , and [I]407-my once again have to find strength from somewhere to remain upright . It ’s in this moment that [I]407-my realize [[my]407-my babies]2196-my children are n’t really babies anymore . [[My]407-my eleven - year - old son]2216-my eleven - year - old son is holding [his]2216-my eleven - year - old son own emotions in check so [he]2216-my eleven - year - old son can comfort [[his]2216-my eleven - year - old son sister]2209-his sister . [My]407-my eyes well , and [I]407-my quickly and roughly brush at [them]2196-my children to clear [my]407-my vision . [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth approaches , looking up at [me]407-my with tightly pressed lips . [I]407-my shake [my]407-my head mildly , showing [her]424-elizabeth the despair [I]407-my ’m fighting to hide from [[my]407-my children]2196-my children , and make [my]407-my way over to [them]2196-my children . [My]407-my arms circle [their]2196-my children shoulders , and [I]407-my hold them tightly , absorbing the jerking of [Maddie]26-maddie ’s body . [I]407-my kiss the tops of [their]2196-my children heads one after the other , over and over . “[407-my] [She]407-my ’ll be okay . [I]407-my only just hold [myself]407-my back from tagging [I]407-my promise on the end , and it kills [me]407-my to accept that [my]407-my unwillingness to make that vow is because [I]407-my never want to break a promise [I]407-my make to [[my]407-my children]2010-the kids . “[407-my] Are [you]408-you two listening to [[your]408-you dad]240-my boy ? [She]407-my will be okay . ” Those words , [they]2010-the kids ’re stupid but unstoppable . [They]2010-the kids are as good as a promise to [[my]407-my kids]2010-the kids . Because [Dad]1256-dad said so . “[407-my] [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward ? [I]74-dr. peters look up over [the twins]2010-the kids ’ heads . “[74-dr. peters] [Dr. Peters]74-dr. peters . ” With [[my]74-dr. peters kids]2010-the kids still held securely in [my]74-dr. peters arms , [I]74-dr. peters cock [my]74-dr. peters head , silently asking [him]74-dr. peters if [we]410-we need to be alone . “[74-dr. peters] It ’s good news , [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward . ” Good news ? [I]57-mr. ward look through the window to [Ava]238-ava ’s seemingly lifeless body on the bed . [She]411-she looks exactly the same as [she]411-she has since coming out of surgery . Nonresponsive . No improvement . Good news ? “[57-mr. ward] The scan [we]410-we did this morning has shown the swelling has subsided considerably over the past twelve hours . [My]57-mr. ward head swings back toward [him]74-dr. peters , [the kids]2010-the kids breaking away from [me]57-mr. ward . [He]74-dr. peters says it ’s good news , so why does [he]74-dr. peters still look so serious ? “[57-mr. ward] And ? [I]57-mr. ward question . “[57-mr. ward] It ’s still early days , and the extent of the damage wo n’t be clear until [she]411-she comes around . But it ’s a step in the right direction . [I]2188-the doctor know [I]2188-the doctor should feel relieved , but the word damage is a constant in [my]2188-the doctor mind , like [they]2010-the kids ’re priming [me]2188-the doctor for something . “[2188-the doctor] Thank [you]57-mr. ward , [Doctor]2188-the doctor . [I]2188-the doctor end the conversation there , refraining from asking the questions [I]2188-the doctor need to . Not in front of [the kids]2010-the kids . [I]2188-the doctor look to [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth , who moves toward [us]2218-us before [I]2188-the doctor ask . “[2188-the doctor] [I]0-i ’ll take them in , [she]0-i says , gesturing [the kids]2010-the kids toward the entrance of [[Ava]238-ava ’s room]202-the room . “[0-i] [They]413-they should talk to [her]0-i , [the doctor]2188-the doctor suggests . “[413-they] Quietly , but [they]413-they should talk to [her]0-i . [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth takes [the children]2010-the kids into [the room]202-the room , leaving [me]413-they alone with [the doctor]2188-the doctor . “[413-they] Damage , [I]413-they say , returning [my]413-they attention to [him]2188-the doctor . “[413-they] Tell [me]0-i honestly , what ’s the probability ? ” “[413-they] It ’s impossible to say until [she]0-i ’s awake . While [she]0-i ’s in a coma , [her]0-i brain is resting , giving it the best chance to heal . [I]0-i do n’t want to ask , and [I]0-i wo n’t . [She]0-i will wake up . Of course [she]0-i will wake up . “[0-i] So what are [you]414-you doing in the meantime ? [I]0-i ask , unable to keep the curtness from [my]0-i tone . It ’s all a load of ifs and buts . That ’s all [I]0-i ’m getting . Through [my]0-i fog of growing fury , [I]0-i notice [the doctor]2188-the doctor looking a little wary all of a sudden , backing up , and [I]0-i realize [I]0-i ’m glaring at [him]2188-the doctor , [my]0-i jaw ticking , [my]0-i body moving forward . “[0-i] [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward , [we]415-we ’re doing all [we]415-we can . ” “[0-i] And what if it ’s not enough ? ” Just as [I]32-mum utter the words , [I]32-mum hear the shrill shriek of [[Ava]238-ava ’s mother]32-mum , and [I]32-mum ’m flying into [the room]202-the room like a bull , [the doctor]2188-the doctor hot on [my]32-mum heels . [I]32-mum do n’t know whether to be elated or terrified by what [I]32-mum find . [Ava]238-ava is squirming around on the bed , sobbing and distressed . “[32-mum] [Mum]32-mum ! [Maddie]26-maddie cries , getting tugged back from the bed by an alarmed - looking [Jacob]60-jacob . “[1256-dad] [Dad]1256-dad , what ’s wrong with [her]32-mum ? [I]238-ava had n’t noticed [the doctor]2188-the doctor passing [me]238-ava at the end of the bed , but [he]2188-the doctor ’s now by [Ava]238-ava ’s bedside , pressing buttons , shifting machinery , hands working frantically around [[my]238-ava girl]32-mum . “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava , [he]2188-the doctor says urgently . “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava , can [you]238-ava hear [me]0-i ? [He]2188-the doctor looks across to [me]57-mr. ward , then nods to [the children]2196-my children . [I]57-mr. ward understand [his]2188-the doctor silent order , but [I]57-mr. ward ’m damned if [I]57-mr. ward can move to follow it . [My]57-mr. ward heart is going crazy in [my]57-mr. ward chest , [my]57-mr. ward legs full of lead . [She]32-mum looks like [she]32-mum ’s having the worst kind of nightmare . Or a seizure . Is it a seizure ? “[57-mr. ward] [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward ! ” The sharp snap of [my]57-mr. ward name shocks [me]57-mr. ward to life , and [I]57-mr. ward grab [[my]57-mr. ward kids]2196-my children ’ hands , pulling them out of [the room]202-the room with [me]57-mr. ward . [I]57-mr. ward ca n’t see [Ava]238-ava like this knowing there ’s fuck all [I]57-mr. ward can do about it . [I]57-mr. ward feel more helpless now than when [she]32-mum was unconscious . [I]57-mr. ward look back through the glass in a state of total shock . “[57-mr. ward] [We]416-me should get coffee , [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth suggests in an attempt to keep [me]416-me busy while [the doctors]2181-the doctors work on [Ava]238-ava . [I]416-me look down at each of [[my]416-me children]2196-my children in turn , [Maddie]26-maddie first , [her]26-maddie face tear - stained and red , and then [Jacob]60-jacob . [He]60-jacob ’s looking up at [me]416-me , squeezing [my]416-me big hand in [his]60-jacob small one . [They]2181-the doctors realign [me]416-me , bring [me]416-me back to where [I]416-me should be . [I]416-me stand taller and swallow down [my]416-me shock . “[416-me] Yes , let ’s get something to drink while [the doctors]2181-the doctors do what [they]2181-the doctors need to . ” “[416-me] Well , what are [they]2181-the doctors doing ? [Maddie]26-maddie looks back to [[Ava]238-ava ’s room]2211-ava ’s room , and [I]32-mum quickly pull [her]238-ava back around , giving [her]238-ava a warning look . “[32-mum] Helping [Mum]32-mum . ” It takes everything in [me]32-mum not to look back [myself]32-mum . What [I]32-mum ’ve already seen will haunt [me]32-mum forever . * * * After [I]32-mum force [the kids]2010-the kids to have some water and a sandwich , [we]2228-we go back to [the ward]2229-the ward in silence , [my]32-mum mind caught between dread and hope . [I]32-mum have no idea what [I]32-mum should be bracing [myself]32-mum for , what [I]32-mum should expect . And that scares [me]32-mum to death . The unknown . The lack of control . When [we]2228-we arrive at [[Ava]238-ava ’s room]2211-ava ’s room , [the doctor]2188-the doctor is outside making notes . [He]2188-the doctor looks up and smiles mildly , and the hope takes over the dread . “[32-mum] [She]32-mum ’s settled , [he]2188-the doctor says . “[32-mum] [Her]32-mum eyes are open , [she]32-mum is perfectly aware of [her]32-mum surroundings , and [she]32-mum told [me]0-i [her]32-mum name and date of birth . ” “[32-mum] Oh , thank [God]373-god . [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth grabs [my]32-mum arm and squeezes , while [I]32-mum have to close [my]32-mum eyes to stop the tears of relief escaping . Once [I]32-mum ’m sure [they]2232-they ’re under control , [I]32-mum look down at [[my]32-mum smiling babies]2233-my smiling babies . “[32-mum] What did [I]0-i tell [you]373-god ? [I]0-i ask [them]2233-my smiling babies seriously . “[0-i] Always listen to [[your]373-god dad]240-my boy , [you]373-god got that ? [They]2233-my smiling babies both nod , cuddling into [my]419-i chest as [I]419-i mentally yell at [myself]419-i for ever doubting it . [I]419-i knew [she]419-i would n’t leave [me]419-i . [I]419-i knew [she]419-i ’d fight for [me]419-i and [the kids]2010-the kids . “[419-i] [She]419-i ’s just having some water and getting a few tubes removed , [the doctor]421-the nurse says . “[419-i] [We]420-we can go back in once [the nurse]421-the nurse has taken [her]419-i vitals . [I]0-i just need to run a few more tests , but [you]373-god ’re welcome to join [me]0-i in [the room]202-the room . ” “[373-god] Thank [you]373-god , [I]373-god breathe , squeezing [the kids]2010-the kids into [me]373-god . “[373-god] Thank [you]373-god so much . ” “[373-god] [You]373-god ’re welcome , [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward . [He]57-mr. ward looks to the door when it opens and [a nurse]421-the nurse exits . “[420-we] Shall [we]420-we ? [I]423-i take a deep breath , suddenly a bit apprehensive . [I]423-i have n’t looked into [[my]423-i wife]26-maddie ’s eyes for nearly two days , and the thought of doing it now is making [me]423-i [a pathetic , nervous fool]2235-a pathetic , nervous fool . What ’s wrong with [me]423-i ? [The nurse]421-the nurse looks to [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth as [she]421-the nurse passes [us]420-we and smiles . “[423-i] [She]423-i ’s asking for [[her]423-i mum]26-maddie . [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth ’s hand goes to [her]423-i chest on a mild whimper as [she]423-i takes the lead , rushing to [[her]423-i daughter]26-maddie ’s bedside . A small part of [me]423-i is happy for [her]423-i . For the most part , [I]423-i ’m hurt that [she]423-i has n’t asked for [me]423-i , [[her]423-i husband]26-maddie , but [I]423-i quickly put the silly slight aside and follow [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth in with [the children]2217-the children . [I]423-i find [[my]423-i mother]26-maddie - in - law hunched over [Ava]238-ava on the bed , trying to hug [her]238-ava as best [she]238-ava can around the wires and tubes . [I]423-i can hear the quiet sobs , and when [I]423-i hear [Ava]238-ava ’s voice , [I]423-i smile , not just because [she]238-ava sounds like [[my]423-i wife]26-maddie , if a little rough in the throat , but because [she]238-ava sounds totally with it . “[423-i] [My]0-i head hurts , [she]238-ava complains . “[32-mum] Oh , [darling]32-mum . Of course it hurts . [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth ’s light laugh as [she]238-ava speaks is loaded with joy . “[32-mum] Look who ’s here . [She]238-ava moves away from [Ava]238-ava , opening up a direct path to [me]238-ava and [the twins]2012-the twins . [I]238-ava move forward , desperate to look into those eyes , to touch [her]238-ava and feel [her]238-ava respond , even if it ’s just a light squeeze of [my]238-ava hand . [I]238-ava ’ve missed [her]238-ava so much . But when [our]2238-our eyes connect , [Ava]238-ava frowns , flicking [her]238-ava gaze to [the children]2217-the children and then back to [me]238-ava . [I]238-ava stop , watching carefully as [she]238-ava seems to assess [us]2238-our . Where ’s the sparkle in those eyes [I]238-ava love so much ? Where ’s the love ? [My]238-ava heart slows to a faint thud in [my]238-ava chest , [my]238-ava joy fading with it . Something is n’t right . “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava , do [you]238-ava know who this is ? [the doctor]2188-the doctor asks warily . [My]238-ava head swings toward [him]2188-the doctor in horror . “[238-ava] Of course [she]238-ava does , [I]238-ava blurt . What is [he]2188-the doctor suggesting ? [The doctor]2188-the doctor ignores [me]238-ava and moves closer to [Ava]238-ava , whose eyes are still passing continuously between [me]238-ava and [the kids]2010-the kids . Still no sparkle . Still no love . “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava , tell [me]0-i [your]238-ava full name . [She]238-ava does n’t hesitate . “[238-ava] [Ava O’Shea]238-ava . [I]238-ava recoil , not quite sure what to make of this . [The doctor]2188-the doctor flicks a glance toward [me]238-ava . [I]238-ava do n’t know what to make of [his]2143-uncle carmichael look , either . “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava , do [you]238-ava know who [this man]2143-uncle carmichael is ? ” “[238-ava] What ? [I]238-ava blurt , [my]238-ava horror growing . That horror reaches unspeakable heights when [[my]238-ava wife]238-ava slowly starts to shake [her]238-ava head . “[238-ava] No . [I]238-ava gasp , suddenly struggling for breath . No ? “[238-ava] Oh [my]0-i goodness , [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth breathes , coming straight to [me]238-ava and claiming [the children]2217-the children . “[238-ava] Come on , [darlings]427-darlings . [Let]81-let ’s go find [your]238-ava pap . [She]238-ava steers [them]2217-the children out of [the room]202-the room , [both of [them]2217-the children]2217-the children looking back at [me]238-ava with confusion all over [their]2217-the children faces . And [I]238-ava just stand there , useless , staring into the eyes of [the woman who rules [my]238-ava heart , trying to comprehend what ’s unfolding]2244-the woman who rules my heart , trying to comprehend what ’s unfolding . “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava . [I]238-ava barely get [her]238-ava name out , [my]238-ava mind frantically searching for words . “[238-ava] Can [you]238-ava tell [me]0-i how [you]238-ava crashed [[your]238-ava car]387-your car ? [the doctor]2188-the doctor pushes on . [She]238-ava shakes [her]238-ava head on a frown , reaching up to rub [her]238-ava forehead . But [her]238-ava eyes never leave [mine]0-i . [They]2246-they ’re holding [me]238-ava frozen where [I]238-ava stand , taking [me]238-ava in . “[238-ava] And [this man]2143-uncle carmichael is n’t familiar to [you]238-ava ? [Dr. Peters]74-dr. peters asks , making notes while [he]74-dr. peters talks . [I]430-me hold [my]430-me breath , begging [she]238-ava puts this right , praying that [I]430-me did n’t hear [her]238-ava correctly , that [she]238-ava ’s just confused . Of course [she]238-ava remembers [me]430-me . [I]430-me ’m [[her]238-ava husband]26-maddie . [I]430-me ’m [the man who would lay down [his]430-me life for [her]238-ava]26-maddie . [She]238-ava has to remember [me]430-me ! [She]238-ava studies [me]430-me for a few moments , looking [me]430-me up and down , as if trying hard to place [me]430-me . [My]430-me heart cracks . “[430-me] [I]0-i do n’t recognize [him]430-me . [She]238-ava looks down at the sheets , and the inevitable tears start to pinch the back of [my]430-me stunned eyes . “[430-me] Do [you]0-i have [any children]431-any children , [Ava]238-ava ? ” “[238-ava] No . [She]238-ava almost laughs , quickly looking up at [me]238-ava again . [My]238-ava world shatters into a million shards of devastation , and [I]238-ava stagger toward a nearby chair , sitting down before [I]238-ava fall . [Her]238-ava gaze follows [me]238-ava the entire way . “[238-ava] [You]0-i do n’t remember [me]0-i ? [I]238-ava whisper the words . “[238-ava] Should [I]0-i ? [she]238-ava asks , [her]238-ava laughter gone and clear worry in [her]238-ava tone . [Her]238-ava reply slays [me]238-ava . It turns [my]238-ava stomach and rips [my]238-ava broken heart from [my]238-ava chest . [I]238-ava want to scream at [her]238-ava , tell [her]238-ava that yes , yes , [she]238-ava should remember [me]238-ava . Everything [we]2248-we ’ve been through . Everything [we]2248-we ’ve done together . How much [we]2248-we love [each other]2249-each other . “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava , this is [[your]0-i husband]238-ava . [The doctor]2188-the doctor points toward [me]454-jesse where [I]454-jesse ’m slumped in the chair . “[454-jesse] [Jesse]454-jesse . ” “[454-jesse] But [I]0-i ’m not married , [she]238-ava argues , seeming to be getting frustrated . Frustrated ? [She]238-ava ’s frustrated ? [I]0-i hate [myself]0-i with a vengeance for concluding that [she]238-ava has no fucking idea . [I]0-i positively hate [myself]0-i . [She]238-ava does n’t remember [me]0-i ? [[Her]238-ava husband]238-ava . [[Her]238-ava Lord]238-ava . [I]0-i ca n’t take this . [I]0-i ’m going to throw up . [I]0-i dash out of [the room]195-the corridor and sprint down [the corridor]195-the corridor , thrusting the door to [the men]2252-the men ’s open with force and falling into a cubicle . [I]0-i have n’t eaten for days , but that does n’t seem to be a problem for [my]0-i stomach . [I]0-i retch and cough over [the toilet]2253-the toilet . [She]238-ava ’s forgotten [me]0-i . Forgotten [[our]2254-our kids]327-our kids . What is this madness ? [My]0-i body starts to ache with the force of [my]0-i retching , and when [I]0-i finally accept that there ’s nothing to bring up , [I]0-i push [myself]0-i up with too much effort and move to the sink to splash [my]0-i face . [I]0-i stare at [myself]0-i in the mirror . [I]0-i do n’t even recognize [myself]0-i right now . [I]0-i ’m pasty , [my]0-i eyes are sunken , and [I]0-i look drained . [I]0-i am drained . [I]0-i was before [Ava]238-ava came around , and the small , momentary sliver of life [I]0-i found when [she]238-ava opened [her]238-ava eyes has been cruelly snatched away . What am [I]0-i going to do ? How do [I]0-i fix this ? The only thing in this world that keeps [my]0-i heart beating does n’t know who [I]0-i am . A tap on the door prompts [me]0-i to look past [my]0-i frightful reflection . “[0-i] [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward ? [The doctor]2188-the doctor ’s voice has lost all the hope that filled it when [Ava]238-ava woke from [her]238-ava coma . Now it ’s back to sympathetic . “[57-mr. ward] [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward , are [you]57-mr. ward in [there]2051-there ? ” The door opens and [Dr. Peters]74-dr. peters appears , [his]74-dr. peters lips pressed tightly together when [he]74-dr. peters finds [me]433-her holding [myself]433-her up by the basin . “[433-her] [She]433-her does n’t remember [me]0-i , [[her]433-her own husband]434-her own husband , and not even [[our]435-our babies]2089-our babies ? [I]57-mr. ward swallow down the lump making [me]57-mr. ward choke on every word , wondering why [I]57-mr. ward ’m posing it as a question . It ’s not like [I]57-mr. ward heard [her]433-her wrong . It ’s not like [I]57-mr. ward did n’t see the total blankness in [her]433-her eyes when [she]433-her looked at [me]57-mr. ward and [the twins]2252-the men . [The doctor]2188-the doctor enters [the men]2252-the men ’s , shutting the door quietly and slowly behind [him]2188-the doctor . Clearing [his]2188-the doctor throat and plunging [his]2188-the doctor hands into [his]2188-the doctor pockets , [he]2188-the doctor finds [my]57-mr. ward eyes in the mirror . [I]57-mr. ward ca n’t turn to face [him]2188-the doctor . [My]57-mr. ward hands wedged against the edge of [the basin]2259-the basin are the only thing holding [me]57-mr. ward up . “[57-mr. ward] [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward , it would seem [[your]437-you wife]364-your wife is suffering from amnestic syndrome . ” “[57-mr. ward] What ? [I]57-mr. ward snap . “[57-mr. ward] Memory loss . ” “[57-mr. ward] No fucking shit , brainiac , [I]57-mr. ward mutter . Is [he]57-mr. ward just going to state the fucking obvious ? Ignoring [my]57-mr. ward rudeness , [he]57-mr. ward goes on . “[57-mr. ward] Having chatted briefly with [Ava]238-ava , there appears to be a clear divide in [her]238-ava memory . ” “[57-mr. ward] What do [you]437-you mean ? [I]0-i ask , [my]0-i forehead bunching . “[0-i] [I]0-i mean , from what [I]0-i have established thus far , there is an obvious cutoff point in [her]238-ava memory . [He]57-mr. ward points to the side of [his]57-mr. ward head . “[238-ava] The part of [her]238-ava brain that stores certain memories has been traumatized . [Our]439-our ability to recall memories is a very complex process , without the added handicap of a brain trauma . [I]400-doctor close [my]400-doctor eyes , trying to allow all the information to sink in . “[400-doctor] What are [you]437-you saying , [doctor]400-doctor ? [I]400-doctor ask outright . “[400-doctor] [I]0-i ’m saying [[your]0-i wife]364-your wife has lost the last sixteen years of [her]364-your wife life . ” “[400-doctor] What ? [I]400-doctor swing around to face [him]400-doctor . “[400-doctor] That ’s [me]0-i . [All of [me]0-i]442-all of me , all of [our]442-all of me time together . Are [you]437-you telling [me]0-i [she]364-your wife wo n’t remember any of it ? Nothing ? ” “[364-your wife] The majority of [patients who suffer from amnesia as a result of trauma]443-patients who suffer from amnesia as a result of trauma will recover fully . How long that recovery takes depends on so much — the severity of the injury , [the patient]444-the patient ’s frame of mind , [their]443-patients who suffer from amnesia as a result of trauma short - term and long - term memory . ” “[445-the majority of patients] [The majority of [patients]446-patients]445-the majority of patients ? [I]238-ava ask , homing in on that part and that part alone . “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava is [a young , healthy woman]238-ava , [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward . The odds are in [her]238-ava favor . ” “[238-ava] And if [she]238-ava does n’t fully recover ? ” “[238-ava] The memories remain lost , [he]57-mr. ward says bluntly , making [me]238-ava wince . [The kids]2010-the kids ’ lives to this point . [Me]238-ava . [She]364-your wife ’ll lose it all ? “[238-ava] What about medication ? ” “[238-ava] There is no physical or mental disorder present , [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward . [She]364-your wife does n’t need medication . What [she]364-your wife needs is [[her]364-your wife family]447-her family to help [her]364-your wife retrieve [her]364-your wife lost memories . To support [her]364-your wife . There are many therapy options [we]448-we can consider , such as cognitive behavioral therapy , [EMDR]82-emdr , energy psychology , neurofeedback , and maybe even hypnosis . [His]57-mr. ward spew of words means nothing to [me]364-your wife . [I]364-your wife ’m lost in this crazy . “[364-your wife] [She]364-your wife does n’t even know who [I]0-i am , [I]364-your wife grate . “[364-your wife] What am [I]0-i supposed to do ? Just take [her]364-your wife [home]201-home and hope [she]364-your wife ’ll suddenly remember [me]0-i ? ” “[364-your wife] It ’s all [you]450-you can do , [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward . That and support [her]364-your wife in any therapy sessions [we]448-we decide to try in order to help . [He]57-mr. ward takes the door handle , smiling mildly . “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava realizes that [she]364-your wife ’s forgotten things . That ’ll be both frustrating and upsetting , especially where [[her]364-your wife children]451-her children are concerned . [She]364-your wife might have issues with short - term memory , too , and daily life will take its toll . [You]452-you need to be strong , [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward . [You]452-you need to help [her]364-your wife try to remember . ” “[452-you] [I]0-i do n’t think a Reminder Fuck is going to suffice right now , [I]452-you mumble . “[452-you] Pardon ? [The doctor]2188-the doctor looks at [me]0-i like [I]0-i might be going [loo - la]4-loo - la . [He]2188-the doctor could be right . [I]0-i shake [my]0-i head and try to take in what [he]2188-the doctor ’s said . Help [her]364-your wife . Help [her]364-your wife try to find the endless memories [we]2262-we share . [I]0-i stand up straight and pull [my]0-i shoulders back , a physical act of determination that [I]0-i ’m trying so hard to back up with mental determination . [I]0-i can do this . [I]0-i have to do this . There ’s no way [I]0-i ’m going to allow [our]2262-we history to slip away like it never happened . No way . [I]0-i ’ll do anything . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’ll do whatever it takes . [I]0-i nod to [myself]0-i and make [my]0-i way to the door , passing [the doctor]2188-the doctor without another word , now full to the brim with the mental determination [I]0-i was missing only a moment ago . There ’s only one way to approach this . Gently . Patiently . Sensitively . Softly - softly . [I]0-i blow out a breath , laughing at [myself]0-i . Good God , this is going to be a battle like no other . Chapter 8 As [I]0-i approach [[her]364-your wife room]202-the room , [Ava]238-ava is sitting up a little in the bed , [her]238-ava fingers twiddling with the thin white sheets . The wound on [her]238-ava head has been redressed , the bandage stark white against [her]238-ava dark hair . [Her]238-ava face is full of concentration , [her]238-ava eyes squinting every now and then . [She]238-ava ’s trying to remember , and it breaks [my]0-i fucking heart to see it . It also renews [my]0-i resolve . [I]0-i ’ll die before [I]0-i let [her]238-ava memories turn to dust . [I]0-i rap softly on the open door , prompting [Ava]238-ava to look up quickly . [She]238-ava winces , bringing [her]238-ava hand to the back of [her]238-ava neck and rubbing . [I]0-i ’m across [the room]202-the room like a bullet , forgetting everything gently - gently . “[0-i] For fuck ’s sake , [Ava]238-ava , be careful ! [I]238-ava stop abruptly a few feet from [her]238-ava bed when [she]238-ava recoils , looking at [me]238-ava with wide , shocked eyes . Oh shit . Too much ? Every instinct is telling [me]238-ava to rub [her]238-ava neck for [her]238-ava , to chastise [her]238-ava for not taking care of [herself]238-ava and chastise [her]238-ava more when [her]238-ava inevitable feistiness kicks in . But instead , and it fucking kills [me]238-ava , [I]238-ava back up , giving [her]238-ava a little space . “[238-ava] [You]238-ava should be careful , [I]238-ava say , an air of awkwardness already drenching [the small room]202-the room , and [I]238-ava ’ve not even introduced [myself]238-ava . Introduced [myself]238-ava ? Do [I]238-ava need to do that ? [I]238-ava frown at [my]238-ava feet , wondering what the fucking hell to say . Oh hey , pleasure to meet [you]238-ava . [I]238-ava ’m [[your]238-ava husband]238-ava . [You]238-ava call [me]238-ava [the Lord]238-ava . [I]238-ava ’m a crazy , challenging , unreasonable pain in [your]238-ava arse ; [I]238-ava ’m possessive , [I]238-ava trample all over [the place]2265-the place[your]238-ava words , not [mine]238-ava — but by some fucking miracle , [you]238-ava love [me]238-ava nonetheless . [We]2266-we have sex . Lots of it , and [you]238-ava humor [my]238-ava need to have [you]238-ava wearing lace every day . Oh , did [I]238-ava mention that [I]238-ava owned a sex club one time ? [The Manor]190-the manor . It ’s now [some swanky golf complex]2268-some swanky golf complex . [We]2266-we fell in love fast . Well , [I]238-ava did . [You]238-ava played hard to get . So [I]238-ava stalked [you]238-ava until [you]238-ava relented , because [I]238-ava knew there was something there . [We]2266-we just … [we]2266-we made so much fucking sense , but then [my]238-ava crazy past started to get in the way , and [I]238-ava thought it would be a good idea to try to hide it all from [you]238-ava . Oh , and [I]238-ava forgot one of the main points . [I]238-ava ’m [a recovering alcoholic]2269-a recovering alcoholic . Before [I]238-ava met [you]238-ava , [I]238-ava drank and [I]238-ava fucked [many women]2270-many women . That was [my]238-ava life . [We]2266-we ’ve had some pretty shitty times , but the good far outweighed the bad , and [you]238-ava stuck by [me]238-ava through it all . [I]238-ava really do n’t deserve [you]238-ava , but [you]238-ava stayed with [me]238-ava despite all of [my]238-ava sins , and to top it all off , [you]238-ava gave [me]238-ava [[my]238-ava babies]216-my babies . [Two perfect babies]216-my babies . Did [I]238-ava mention [I]238-ava was married before [you]238-ava ? No ? Well , [I]238-ava was . [I]238-ava also had [a little girl]2272-a little girl , but [I]238-ava lost [her]2272-a little girl[I]238-ava cough away the distress creeping up into [my]238-ava throat , the enormity of [my]238-ava situation slapping [me]238-ava hard in the face . [I]238-ava ’ve always been in awe of [Ava]238-ava ’s ability to love [me]238-ava so fiercely . Please , [God]373-god , please . [I]238-ava beg that [she]2272-a little girl finds that ability again . “[238-ava] So apparently [you]453-you ’re [[my]0-i husband]454-jesse , [she]2272-a little girl says quietly , an inappropriate tinge of humor lacing [her]2272-a little girl statement . [I]453-you look up through [my]453-you lashes , wondering if it ’s a good thing that [she]2272-a little girl seems a bit amused by the fact that [she]2272-a little girl has [a husband]454-jesse . Then [I]453-you catch sight of [her]2272-a little girl frowning face and conclude that it ’s a bad thing . [She]2272-a little girl ’s looking at [me]453-you in … oh , fuck . Is that disappointment ? Maybe [she]2272-a little girl ’s not so surprised that [she]2272-a little girl ’s married , just surprised that [she]2272-a little girl ’s married to [me]453-you . “[453-you] [You]453-you look … taken aback . [I]453-you move across to the chair and sit down calmly , watching as [Ava]238-ava starts to spin [her]238-ava wedding ring on [her]238-ava finger . [She]238-ava shrugs a little . “[453-you] [I]0-i guess [you]453-you ’re a little older than [I]0-i imagined . ” Another frown . “[453-you] Well , if [I]0-i ever imagined [I]0-i would be married . [Ouch]83-ouch ! [I]453-you shift on [my]453-you chair , injured , though showing it would be selfish , given the state of [[my]453-you wife]26-maddie . “[453-you] [You]453-you ’re only as old as [the woman [you]453-you feel]26-maddie , [I]453-you mutter pathetically instead . “[453-you] So how old am [I]0-i ? ” “[0-i] Thirty - eight . ” “[0-i] [I]0-i am ? [She]238-ava recoils , surprised . “[0-i] Then how old are [you]453-you ? [My]0-i lips press together , not prepared to reveal that little detail . It ’s like déjà fucking vu . “[0-i] Twenty - one , [I]0-i say coolly , trying not to scowl at [her]238-ava when [her]238-ava eyebrows jump up in surprise . And [she]238-ava coughs . [She]238-ava fucking coughs . [My]0-i scowl breaks free and [my]0-i teeth grind , but [I]0-i ca n’t pull [her]238-ava up on it . “[0-i] Twenty - one ? [I]0-i nod , confirming that [I]0-i really am a twat . “[0-i] [I]0-i might have lost [my]0-i memory , but [I]0-i have n’t lost [my]0-i eyesight . ” Well , is n’t [she]238-ava just full of compliments . “[0-i] It ’s just a game [we]456-we used to play . ” “[0-i] A game where [you]453-you lied about [your]453-you age ? [I]0-i laugh under [my]0-i breath a little . “[0-i] Pretty much . [I]0-i neglect to mention the reason behind [my]0-i tactics at the time , because [I]0-i ’m adopting the same tactic now . [I]0-i do n’t want to put [her]238-ava off , and that ’s a killer of a thought at this stage in [our]456-we lives . [I]0-i ’ve been married to [this woman]238-ava for twelve fucking years , and [I]0-i ’m worried [she]238-ava might reject [me]0-i . What kind of fucked - up nightmare am [I]0-i in ? Though , [Lord]2273-lord knows , it ’s going to take a lot more asks to reach [my]0-i real age on this occasion , and [I]0-i definitely wo n’t be sharing how [she]238-ava finally managed to extract the information from [me]0-i all those years ago . [I]0-i shudder , recalling the hellish few hours that [she]238-ava had [me]0-i handcuffed to the bed . [I]0-i sigh and inch forward on the chair , scrubbing [my]0-i hands through [my]0-i hair . “[0-i] Do [you]457-you remember anything ? [I]238-ava ask , [my]238-ava eyes pleading with [her]238-ava . “[238-ava] Not one tiny thing , [Ava]238-ava ? [Her]238-ava face fills with sadness , but [I]238-ava ’m not sure if it ’s sadness for [me]238-ava or sadness for [herself]238-ava . [She]238-ava shakes [her]238-ava head , looking back down at [her]238-ava wedding ring . “[238-ava] [I]0-i feel so misplaced . [Her]238-ava voice cracks , and one single tear splashes [her]238-ava forearm . That ’s it . It ’s not natural for [me]238-ava to be sitting [here]2274-here . [I]238-ava get up and go to [her]238-ava , sitting on the edge of [her]238-ava bed and taking [her]238-ava hands in [mine]238-ava , avoiding going in for a full - on cuddle . It ’s ridiculous to think that [I]238-ava do n’t want to push [my]238-ava luck . With [[my]238-ava own fucking wife]2275-my own fucking wife . “[238-ava] [You]458-you are not misplaced , [I]238-ava say calmly , seeing more tears fall . “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava , look at [me]0-i . [My]238-ava demand is way too harsh given [our]2276-our situation . Not that it matters . [She]2275-my own fucking wife looks up at [me]238-ava , and [our]2276-our stares instantly lock , [her]2275-my own fucking wife brown eyes gazing deeply into mine as [I]238-ava squeeze [her]2275-my own fucking wife hands . [Her]2275-my own fucking wife lips part a fraction , and something appears in [her]2275-my own fucking wife eyes — something familiar . Desire . It ’s faint , but it ’s there , a small reaction , and [I]238-ava cling to it with everything [I]238-ava have . “[238-ava] [You]458-you feel that ? [I]238-ava whisper , starting to fiddle with [her]2275-my own fucking wife ring [myself]238-ava . [Her]2275-my own fucking wife slight nod forces [me]238-ava to swallow down [my]238-ava relief before it chokes [me]238-ava . “[238-ava] That ’s just the very beginning , [Ava]238-ava . That ’s just the spark that set [our]459-our worlds alight . ” Determination is now running rampant through [my]460-my veins , that small reaction driving it . “[460-my] This head of [yours]460-my . [I]460-my gently stroke down [her]238-ava cheek , relishing [her]238-ava slight nuzzle into [my]460-my palm . “[460-my] It ’s been consumed by [me]0-i for twelve years , [lady]238-ava . [I]0-i ’m not about to let [you]238-ava forget [our]459-our story . [I]0-i will make [you]238-ava remember . It ’s [my]0-i mission objective . [I]0-i ’ll do anything . [She]238-ava sniffles , nodding , and everything tells [me]0-i that [she]238-ava ’s accepting so easily because there ’s something inside telling [her]238-ava that [she]238-ava should trust [me]0-i . That [she]238-ava belongs with [me]0-i . “[0-i] That smell , [she]238-ava says out of the blue , tugging [me]0-i toward [her]238-ava . [I]0-i go with ease , a little taken aback when [she]238-ava buries [her]238-ava face in [my]0-i neck , no matter how amazing it feels to have [her]238-ava so close . [She]238-ava inhales deeply and [I]0-i wrap [my]0-i arms around [her]238-ava as best [I]0-i can , not missing the opportunity [she]238-ava ’s instigated . “[0-i] It ’s [my]0-i favorite smell . [I]0-i smile and close [my]0-i eyes . “[0-i] [I]0-i know . ” Chapter 9 [Ava]238-ava [I]424-elizabeth do n’t recognize [him]2277-his . Not visually , anyway , but [my]424-elizabeth body seems to know exactly who [he]2277-his is . It ’s like [he]2277-his ’s familiar to [me]424-elizabeth , yet [I]424-elizabeth ca n’t place [him]2277-his . [He]2277-his ’s handsome , so very handsome ; [I]424-elizabeth can see it even through the sallowness of [his]2277-his skin and glaze of [his]2277-his tired eyes . [His]2277-his scent , a mix of fresh water and the freshest mint , is [my]424-elizabeth favorite , though [I]424-elizabeth do n’t think [I]424-elizabeth ’ve ever smelled it before . [His]2277-his face , cut with stress , is harsh but soft . [His]2277-his green eyes are sad but hopeful . [He]2277-his looks at [me]424-elizabeth like [I]424-elizabeth ’m [[his]2277-his savior]2278-his savior and [his]2277-his downfall . [I]424-elizabeth feel lost . Lost and bewildered . [I]424-elizabeth ’m listening to what [people]2279-people are saying — [the doctor]2188-the doctor , [[my]424-elizabeth mum]424-elizabeth — and it ’s impossible to comprehend what [they]2279-people ’re telling [me]424-elizabeth . [I]424-elizabeth ’m married . [I]424-elizabeth have [eleven - year - old twins]2282-eleven - year - old twins . [I]424-elizabeth ’m not in [my]424-elizabeth early twenties , but in [my]424-elizabeth late thirties . It ’s madness , and if it were n’t for [[my]424-elizabeth mother]424-elizabeth , [the woman [I]424-elizabeth trust most in [the world]2163-the world]424-elizabeth , backing up what [the doctor]2188-the doctor ’s saying , [I]424-elizabeth would n’t believe it . [I]424-elizabeth would n’t believe the gaps [they]2279-people ’re filling in with wild tales of [my]424-elizabeth love for [this man]2143-uncle carmichael and [our]2285-our life together . [We]2285-our were married within a couple of months of knowing each other . [I]424-elizabeth was pregnant within a few weeks . That does n’t sound like [me]424-elizabeth . [I]424-elizabeth ’ve never been hasty when it comes to life - changing decisions , nor careless . [I]424-elizabeth ’ve always been independent and ambitious . [The woman [they]2279-people are telling [me]424-elizabeth [I]424-elizabeth am]2286-the woman they are telling me i am does n’t sound like [me]424-elizabeth . Yet , [this man who has been here]2143-uncle carmichael almost constantly makes something inside [me]424-elizabeth kick . [My]424-elizabeth heart pumps faster when [he]2143-uncle carmichael is here . And [my]424-elizabeth brain feels like it ’s trying to jump - start , trying to dislodge memories that [I]424-elizabeth ’ve lost . Memories of [him]2143-uncle carmichael ? [I]424-elizabeth ’m [a mother]2287-a mother . [I]424-elizabeth ’m [a wife]2287-a mother . And [I]424-elizabeth have no idea how [I]424-elizabeth ’m supposed to do either of those jobs . [I]424-elizabeth have to go [home]201-home with [a man [I]424-elizabeth do not know]454-jesse . [I]424-elizabeth have to take care of [two children]2290-two children [I]424-elizabeth do not know . Yet everything inside [me]424-elizabeth is telling [me]424-elizabeth to do it . [The man]454-jesse , [[my]424-elizabeth husband]454-jesse , [he]454-jesse radiates comfort . When [he]454-jesse held [me]424-elizabeth and let [me]424-elizabeth cry into [his]454-jesse chest , [I]424-elizabeth suddenly did n’t feel lost anymore . [I]424-elizabeth felt safe , and [I]424-elizabeth ’m not sure if that feeling was spiked by [my]424-elizabeth need for [someone]454-jesse to just hold [me]424-elizabeth and tell [me]424-elizabeth everything was going to be okay , or if it was simply [him]454-jesse that made [me]424-elizabeth feel that way . Just [him]454-jesse . [[My]424-elizabeth husband]454-jesse . Chapter 10 This is the stupidest idea [you]454-jesse ’ve ever had , [Jesse]454-jesse , and [you]454-jesse ’ve had some pretty stupid ideas in [your]454-jesse time . ”[424-elizabeth] [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth slams [her]424-elizabeth empty coffee cup down on the table , enraged by [my]0-i suggestion . [I]0-i do n’t flinch , maybe because [I]0-i ’m numb . But [my]0-i stupid idea is the best chance of getting [Ava]238-ava better . It ’s been three days since [she]238-ava woke up . Three days of tears , frustration , and hopelessness . For [both of [us]461-both of us]461-both of us . [I]0-i ’ve sat in [that room]462-that room studying [her]238-ava , watching [her]238-ava mind spin , [her]238-ava eyes squint , [her]238-ava breaths turn shallow as [she]238-ava fights to regain [her]238-ava lost memories . [She]238-ava ’s seen [a therapist who wants to continue the sessions once [she]238-ava leaves [the hospital]384-the hospital]463-a therapist who wants to continue the sessions once she leaves the hospital . [Ava]238-ava sounded noncommittal when [she]238-ava murmured [her]238-ava agreement and scheduled another appointment . [I]0-i do n’t blame [her]238-ava . That hour was a stress - fest for [both of [us]461-both of us]461-both of us , each question posed by [the therapist]463-a therapist who wants to continue the sessions once she leaves the hospital resulting in tears from [Ava]238-ava and further agony for [me]0-i . [She]238-ava ca n’t remember anything about [us]461-both of us . [The doctor]2188-the doctor says [she]238-ava ’s ready to go [home]201-home , but [she]238-ava ’s going [home]201-home with [a man [she]238-ava ’s basically known for three days and a couple of kids who are strangers to [her]238-ava]467-a man she ’s basically known for three days and a couple of kids who are strangers to her . The pain that thought spikes in [my]0-i chest is excruciating , but that ’s how it is . [I]0-i ’m being brutally honest with [myself]0-i and with [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth . [Ava]238-ava does n’t know [us]461-both of us . It ’s [my]0-i cold , hard reality . [I]238-ava do n’t want [the kids]2010-the kids to feel how [I]238-ava ’m feeling , [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth . [I]238-ava do n’t want [them]2010-the kids to see [[their]2010-the kids mother]2293-their mother looking at [them]2010-the kids like [they]2010-the kids ’re [strangers]2294-strangers , because it ’s fucking agony . ”[238-ava] “ But [the doctor]2188-the doctor said [she]238-ava needs [[her]238-ava family]447-her family around [her]238-ava to help [her]238-ava remember . ”[0-i] [I]0-i slam [my]0-i fist on the table , [my]0-i frustration getting the better of [me]0-i . [I]0-i only feel mildly guilty when [[Ava]238-ava ’s mother]424-elizabeth jumps out of [her]424-elizabeth chair . [She]424-elizabeth thinks [she]424-elizabeth ’s twenty - two , for fuck ’s sake . [She]424-elizabeth ’s still single in [her]424-elizabeth head , just starting out in [her]424-elizabeth career . Everything after that is gone , and [I]424-elizabeth will move [fucking mountains]2297-fucking mountains to make sure [she]424-elizabeth finds [me]424-elizabeth and [the twins]2217-the children amid that chaos in [her]424-elizabeth poor head . ”[424-elizabeth] [I]0-i take a breath and sit back , leaving silence between [us]469-we . It ’s a novelty to see [[my]0-i mother]424-elizabeth - in - law rendered speechless . [I]424-elizabeth ’m asking [you]424-elizabeth to take [the children]2217-the children on holiday for [me]424-elizabeth . Keep [their]2217-the children minds busy . Let [them]2217-the children be [kids]2217-the children . [I]424-elizabeth promise [you]424-elizabeth , [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth , [I]424-elizabeth swear , [I]424-elizabeth just know if [I]424-elizabeth can spike memories of [me]424-elizabeth and [Ava]238-ava , how [we]469-we met , how [we]469-we fell in love , the rest will follow naturally . [You]424-elizabeth have to trust [me]424-elizabeth . [I]424-elizabeth ’ve talked to [the school]2041-the school . [They]2217-the children ’re understanding and supportive , given the circumstances . ”[424-elizabeth] “ How long do [you]424-elizabeth want ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i shrug . “ A week . Maybe two . [I]0-i do n’t know . ”[0-i] Maybe all the time in [the world]2163-the world wo n’t be enough . Maybe the memories are gone forever . [I]0-i inwardly flinch . No . [I]0-i have to be positive . And there ’s no way on [earth]471-earth [I]0-i ’ll survive very long without [the kids]2217-the children around . [We]2217-the children ’ll stay in touch every day . Please , [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth . [I]424-elizabeth need this time . ”[424-elizabeth] [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth ’s lips purse tightly . [I]0-i realize [she]424-elizabeth has difficulty letting [someone else]267-someone else take charge of [[her]424-elizabeth daughter]32-mum , [she]32-mum always has , but [she]32-mum needs to work with [me]0-i this time . “ And what are [you]2300-you planning to say to [the children]2217-the children , because [they]2217-the children think [[their]2217-the children mother]2293-their mother is going [home]201-home to [them]2217-the children this evening ? ”[32-mum] [She]32-mum will not make [me]0-i question [myself]0-i . [I]0-i know what is best for [[my]0-i family]358-my family . [I]0-i ’ll talk to [them]2217-the children . [They]2217-the children ’ll understand . ”[0-i] [You]2300-you hope [they]2217-the children ’ll understand , [Jesse]454-jesse . [Their]2217-the children worlds have been turned upside down , too . [They]2217-the children need [[their]2217-the children father]2213-their father , as much as [[their]2217-the children mother]2293-their mother . ”[0-i] [I]0-i brush [my]0-i hands over the overgrown stubble on [my]0-i jaw , so fucking exhausted . Has n’t life thrown enough challenges [my]0-i way ? “ And [I]0-i ’m going to get [them]2217-the children both back , ”[0-i] [I]0-i vow . Because right now , [Ava]238-ava and [I]0-i are n’t [ourselves]476-ourselves . Placing [her]238-ava handbag on [her]238-ava lap , [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth studies [me]0-i across the table , probably wondering where [I]0-i might find the strength from , because [I]0-i sure as shit look as beaten as [I]0-i feel . [You]2305-you look terrible . ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava insult is an acceptance without actually saying the words , and typical of [[my]0-i mother]424-elizabeth - in - law . “ Yeah , well , it ’s been a rough few days . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i sigh , looking across the café when [I]0-i spot [Kate]194-kate ’s red hair . [She]194-kate scans the space for a few seconds before [she]194-kate sees [me]0-i and gives the same sympathetic smile [she]194-kate ’s given [me]0-i every time [I]0-i ’ve seen [her]194-kate since [Ava]238-ava was admitted . “ Hey , ”[194-kate] [she]194-kate says when [she]194-kate arrives at [our]478-our table . “ Any news ? ”[194-kate] “ What , like if [[my]0-i wife]194-kate knows who [I]0-i am yet ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i ask , getting up from [my]0-i chair . [Neither of [them]2010-the kids]2010-the kids answers [my]0-i sarcastic question , both remaining silent and awkward . [I]2010-the kids ’m going to pick up [the kids]2010-the kids . Talk to [them]2010-the kids . ”[2010-the kids] “ Where are [they]2010-the kids ? ”[424-elizabeth] [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth asks . “ With [[my]0-i mum]2281-my mum and [dad]2307-dad . ”[0-i] [I]0-i give [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth a kiss on the cheek , squeezing [her]424-elizabeth arm in a sign of [my]0-i thanks . [I]0-i know [she]424-elizabeth appreciates [my]0-i gratitude when [she]424-elizabeth squeezes [mine]0-i in return . [I]424-elizabeth ’ll call [you]424-elizabeth . ”[424-elizabeth] “ Okay . ”[424-elizabeth] [She]424-elizabeth breaks away and heads toward [[Ava]238-ava ’s room]2211-ava ’s room . [I]194-kate ’ll give [her]238-ava some time with [Ava]238-ava before [I]194-kate head down . ”[194-kate] [Kate]194-kate links arms with [me]0-i . “ Come on , [I]194-kate ’ll walk [you]424-elizabeth to [[your]424-elizabeth car]387-your car . ”[194-kate] [I]0-i let [Kate]194-kate ’s pregnant belly lead the way to [the car park]2152-the car park , trying to psych [myself]0-i up for what lies ahead . It ’s a waste . Nothing can prepare [me]0-i . [Jesse]454-jesse , [you]454-jesse should know there was a report in the local newspaper yesterday about the accident . [They]2309-the police mentioned [Ava]238-ava , [you]454-jesse , even [the damn health club]2310-the damn health club . And [her]238-ava memory loss . ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate shrugs when [I]0-i throw [her]194-kate a questioning look . [They]2309-the police ’re asking for [witnesses]2311-witnesses . ”[0-i] [I]0-i sigh . [The police]2309-the police already told [me]0-i [she]194-kate did n’t have [her]194-kate seat belt on . ”[0-i] [I]0-i ’m still so furious with [her]194-kate but unable to unleash it . “ Apparently [she]194-kate was reaching into [her]194-kate bag for [her]194-kate phone . ”[0-i] [I]0-i swallow , batting back [my]0-i anger . [She]194-kate has [Bluetooth]84-bluetooth . [I]0-i do n’t know why [she]194-kate ’d need [her]194-kate phone . ”[0-i] “ A text . An e - mail . ”[0-i] [I]0-i nod , though no excuse could make [her]194-kate recklessness okay . [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth and [Joseph]51-joseph are taking [the kids]2010-the kids to [the coast]2109-the coast for a while , ”[0-i] [I]0-i tell [Kate]194-kate , feeling [her]194-kate look up at [me]0-i in surprise . “ This is too much for [Ava]238-ava , [Kate]194-kate , ”[194-kate] [I]0-i start to explain , hoping [she]194-kate gets where [I]0-i ’m coming from . [I]194-kate can see how overwhelmed [she]194-kate is . [Me]194-kate , [the kids]2010-the kids , sixteen years of missing memories from [her]194-kate life . [You]194-kate ’re one of [the only people in [her]194-kate life]2314-the only people in her life that [she]194-kate actually knows right now . ”[194-kate] “ So what are [you]194-kate going to do ? ”[194-kate] [Kate]194-kate brings [us]482-us to a stop and turns toward [me]0-i . The huge Hospital sign past [her]194-kate on the side of [the colossal building]483-the colossal building is glowing , despite it still being daylight . An important beacon . [I]0-i ’m sick of the sight of it . Unreasonably , [I]0-i want to rip it from the bricks and set it alight . [She]194-kate might not ever get [her]194-kate memories back , [Kate]194-kate . ”[0-i] [I]0-i shrug and brace [myself]0-i for what [I]0-i ’m about to say , daunted . [I]194-kate ’m [a stranger to [her]194-kate]194-kate . Just [a man]224-a man . So [I]194-kate have to go back to the beginning and try to make [her]194-kate fall in love with [me]194-kate again . ”[194-kate] [Kate]194-kate places [her]194-kate hand on [my]0-i arm . [You]194-kate did it before . [You]194-kate can do it again . ”[194-kate] [I]0-i laugh a little under [my]0-i breath , looking past [[Ava]238-ava ’s best friend]238-ava . [I]0-i thank [my]0-i lucky stars every day of [my]0-i life that [I]0-i found [her]238-ava , [Kate]194-kate . That for all [my]0-i faults , [she]238-ava loved [me]0-i . ”[0-i] [I]0-i smile a strained smile , one that ’s full of the sadness [I]0-i feel . “ It ’s a crazy miracle that [she]238-ava accepted [me]0-i in the first place . [I]0-i feel like [she]238-ava was [my]0-i one - in - a - million chance . What if [my]0-i chance has gone ? What if [I]0-i ca n’t make [her]238-ava see ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i reach up to [my]0-i chest and push [my]0-i fist into [my]0-i pecs , trying to stem the building pain . “ It would be the end of [me]0-i . ”[0-i] “ Where ’s the Jesse Ward [we]2316-we all know and love ? ”[194-kate] [Kate]194-kate asks seriously , punching [me]0-i lightly on the bicep . “ Love ? ”[194-kate] [I]0-i ask on a slight hitch of an amused eyebrow . “ Yes , love , ”[194-kate] [she]194-kate retorts adamantly , following up [her]194-kate previous light punch with a not so light one . “ Defeated does n’t suit [you]2317-you , [Jesse]454-jesse . [Ava]238-ava did n’t marry [a quitter]2318-a quitter . In fact , [I]194-kate think [you]2317-you ’ll find [she]238-ava married [you]2317-you because [you]2317-you did n’t quit . [A man who does n’t give a shit what [people]2279-people think]2319-a man who does n’t give a shit what people think . [A man who tramples anything in [his]2319-a man who does n’t give a shit what people think sight to get what [he]2319-a man who does n’t give a shit what people think wants]2319-a man who does n’t give a shit what people think . Do [you]2317-you want [her]194-kate back ? ”[194-kate] [I]0-i look at [her]194-kate , stunned . “ What ? ”[0-i] [[Your]2317-you wife]194-kate . Do [you]2317-you want [her]194-kate back ? ”[194-kate] “ Stupid fucking question , ”[0-i] [I]0-i mutter . “ And ease off with the punching , will [you]2317-you ? ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate ignores [my]0-i scorn and points a finger in [my]0-i face , forcing [me]0-i to retreat or have it sinking into [my]0-i eye socket . [Kate]194-kate ’s [one of those people in this world who [you]484-you ca n’t help but respect , even if [you]484-you do n’t always agree with [her]194-kate]194-kate . And now [she]194-kate ’s pregnant , so [I]0-i would be wise not to argue . “ Then do what [you]2317-you do best and fight for [her]194-kate . ”[194-kate] Pulling [her]194-kate bag onto [her]194-kate shoulder , [she]194-kate battles to control [her]194-kate wobbling lip . [[My]194-kate best friend]2143-uncle carmichael did n’t marry [a fucking pussy]2322-a fucking pussy . ”[194-kate] [My]0-i eyes bug , and then [I]0-i laugh a little . Call [me]0-i what [you]485-your like , but do n’t ever call [me]0-i a fucking pussy . “ Watch [your]485-your fucking mouth , ”[0-i] [I]0-i mutter , loud but sheepishly , attracting the attention of [many people in [the vicinity]487-the vicinity]486-many people in the vicinity , not that [I]0-i ’m much bothered by it . [Kate]194-kate marches past [me]0-i . Or as well as [a heavily pregnant woman]364-your wife can march , which is more of a wobble . “ Save it for [[your]485-your wife]364-your wife , ”[194-kate] [she]194-kate yells over [her]194-kate shoulder . [I]194-kate ’m not a fucking pussy , ”[194-kate] [I]0-i bark at [an old man who ’s stupid enough to come too close]489-an old man who ’s stupid enough to come too close . [He]489-an old man who ’s stupid enough to come too close nearly jumps out of [his]489-an old man who ’s stupid enough to come too close skin and hotfoots it away from [me]0-i . There ’s no room for guilt . It was [him]489-an old man who ’s stupid enough to come too close or [Kate]194-kate , and [Sam]50-sam would skin [me]0-i alive if [I]0-i upset [her]194-kate . [I]0-i stalk to [[my]0-i car]235-my car , yank the door open , and throw [myself]0-i into the seat , looking into the rearview mirror . [Jesus]26-maddie , [Lord]26-maddie , the state of [me]0-i . [I]0-i ’m not exactly enhancing [my]0-i chances of succeeding in making [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie fall in love with [me]0-i when [I]0-i look like this . [I]0-i need to straighten [myself]0-i out . Desperately . And [I]0-i need to do it before [I]0-i pick up [the kids]2010-the kids . [They]2010-the kids need to see [me]0-i looking as normal as possible , so when [I]0-i explain to [them]2010-the kids what is happening , [they]2010-the kids will know that [I]0-i am 100 percent together , and [I]0-i need [them]2010-the kids to be , too . Chapter 11 When [I]0-i pull up outside [[[my]0-i parents]493-my parents ’ home]494-my parents ’ home , [a small bungalow nestled in an idyllic suburb on [the outskirts of [the city]497-the city]496-the outskirts of the city]495-a small bungalow nestled in an idyllic suburb on the outskirts of the city , [the kids]2010-the kids are out the door before [I]0-i ’ve had a chance to shut off the engine . The smile that crosses [my]0-i face is n’t forced . [They]2010-the kids ’re the only respite [I]0-i have at the moment , the only peace in [[my]0-i rocky world]498-my rocky world , and while holding it together in front of [them]2010-the kids is adding to [my]0-i exhaustion , [I]0-i ’m feeding off [their]2010-the kids love and [their]2010-the kids need to be close to [me]0-i right now . Jumping out of [[my]0-i car]235-my car , [I]0-i remove [my]0-i shades and brace [myself]0-i for [their]2010-the kids attack . [They]2010-the kids reach [me]0-i at the same time , each finding [their]2010-the kids places in [my]0-i side . “ Can [we]2323-we go now ? ”[2010-the kids] [Maddie]26-maddie asks , looking up at [me]0-i . It ’s the question [I]0-i was prepared for , yet the words [I]0-i ’ve practiced all morning disappear on [me]0-i . “ Let ’s head inside , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say , leading [them]2010-the kids toward the front door . [I]0-i need to talk to [[you]0-i guys]2324-you guys . ”[0-i] “ What is it ? ”[60-jacob] [Jacob]60-jacob ’s gone from [my]0-i side in a heartbeat . “ Is it [Mum]32-mum ? Is [she]32-mum okay ? ”[60-jacob] [She]32-mum ’s fine , ”[0-i] [I]0-i assure [him]60-jacob , placing [my]0-i hand on [his]60-jacob mop of dirty blond hair and pulling [him]60-jacob back into [me]0-i . [I]60-jacob ’ve been thinking , and [I]60-jacob want to share [my]60-jacob thoughts with [you]0-i two . ”[60-jacob] “ What about ? ”[26-maddie] [Maddie]26-maddie asks . “ Are [you]0-i going to stop [us]2325-us going to [the hospital]384-the hospital again ? ”[60-jacob] [Jacob]60-jacob ’s tone is defensive . [You]0-i are , are n’t [you]0-i , [Dad]1256-dad ? Why ? Does n’t [Mum]32-mum want to see [us]2325-us ? ”[60-jacob] [My]0-i heart bleeds , and [I]0-i hold [him]60-jacob tighter into [my]0-i side . [She]238-ava ’s desperate to see [you]0-i . ”[0-i] [I]0-i stretch the truth a little , if only for the sake of [[my]0-i kids]451-her children . [I]0-i ’ve caught [Ava]238-ava a few times this week feeling [her]238-ava tummy , and [I]0-i know every time [she]238-ava ’s had a shower [she]238-ava ’s been studying the small collection of stretch marks on [her]238-ava stomach , trying to get [her]238-ava head around the fact that [she]238-ava ’s [a mother of eleven - year - old twins]501-a mother of eleven - year - old twins . When [I]0-i asked [her]238-ava if [she]238-ava wanted to see [[her]238-ava children]451-her children , [I]0-i could sense the mental battle [she]238-ava was having in [her]238-ava head , and the tears flowed quickly after . Listening to [[my]0-i wife]238-ava tell [me]0-i that [she]238-ava did n’t want to disappoint [them]451-her children tore [my]0-i heart out . And when [she]238-ava begged [me]0-i to help [her]238-ava remember [them]451-her children , getting [herself]238-ava in a state , crying and shouting , [I]0-i decided what needed to be done . [I]0-i need to tell [her]238-ava [our]502-our story from the very beginning in the only way [I]0-i know how . With actions . Where to start is the biggest question . [I]0-i look up to the front door and see [[my]0-i mum]238-ava and [dad]2062-dad standing on [the porch]504-the porch watching [us]502-our . [Their]502-our faces are both sad . [I]0-i know [Mum]32-mum ca n’t bear seeing [me]0-i like this . [I]0-i try to disguise [my]0-i devastation , but there ’s nothing [a son]505-a son can keep from [[his]505-a son mother]506-his mother , whether [he]505-a son ’s ten or fifty . [I]0-i give [[my]0-i father]2062-dad a strained smile when [he]505-a son raises [his]505-a son hand , telling [me]0-i [he]505-a son ’s got it covered , so diverting [the kids]2010-the kids away from the door , [I]0-i walk [them]2010-the kids down to [the garden]2075-the garden and sit them on the bench overlooking [his]505-a son vegetable patch . [She]26-maddie ’s trying so hard to get better for [you]26-maddie both , ”[0-i] [I]0-i tell [them]2010-the kids . “ And [I]0-i need to help [her]26-maddie do that . ”[0-i] [You]26-maddie mean remember [us]2010-the kids , ”[26-maddie] [Maddie]26-maddie corrects [me]0-i , holding [my]0-i hand as if [she]26-maddie could fall down a hole if [she]26-maddie let go of [me]0-i . [She]26-maddie ’s keeping [me]0-i from falling down that hole , too . [I]0-i nod , not prepared to lie , and crouch down in front of [them]2010-the kids , squeezing [their]2010-the kids hands . [You]26-maddie see , there ’s a small part of [Mum]32-mum ’s brain that ’s not quite working properly at the moment . ”[0-i] “ Because of the bang on [her]26-maddie head ? ”[60-jacob] [Jacob]60-jacob asks . “ Yes , because of that . It ’s like the key ’s jammed , keeping the memories all locked up . [I]26-maddie need to unjam that key . ”[26-maddie] [Maddie]26-maddie ’s bottom lip starts to tremble , and [her]26-maddie eyes fill with sad tears . “ How could [she]26-maddie forget [us]2242-both of them , [Daddy]26-maddie ? ”[26-maddie] If at any point in [my]0-i life [I]0-i ’ve wanted to rip [my]0-i heart out and serve it at the feet of hope , then it ’s now . This moment , looking at [[my]0-i children who are so devastated]2242-both of them . [She]26-maddie has n’t forgotten [you]2242-both of them , ”[0-i] [I]0-i tell [them]2242-both of them firmly , constricting [my]0-i hold of [their]2242-both of them hands . [She]26-maddie ’s just momentarily misplaced [her]26-maddie memories . [I]2242-both of them ’m going to help [her]26-maddie find [them]2242-both of them , [I]2242-both of them promise . Tell [me]2242-both of them [you]2242-both of them believe [me]2242-both of them . Tell [me]2242-both of them [you]2242-both of them trust [[your]2242-both of them daddy]404-your daddy . ”[2242-both of them] [Both of [them]2242-both of them]2242-both of them nod , and [I]0-i reach forward to yank [them]2242-both of them both into [my]0-i chest , cuddling [them]2242-both of them with a force like [no other]510-no other . [I]0-i ’m strong . [I]0-i need [them]2242-both of them to feel [my]0-i strength . [Nan]26-maddie and [Pap]85-pap are going to take [you]26-maddie to [the coast]2109-the coast for a week or two while [I]0-i help [Mum]32-mum , okay ? [You]26-maddie ’ll love it down in [Newquay]5-newquay . [You]26-maddie need to have some fun . Take [Pap]85-pap surfing and help [Nan]26-maddie catch some sandworms . ”[0-i] “ Pap ca n’t surf , ”[60-jacob] [Jacob]60-jacob chuckles through [his]60-jacob tears , the sound washing over [me]0-i like the best kind of medicine . “ And [Nan]26-maddie ’s scared of sandworms . ”[60-jacob] [I]0-i cluck [his]60-jacob cheek . “ Then make sure [you]26-maddie hide one in [her]26-maddie handbag . ”[0-i] [She]26-maddie ’ll know [you]26-maddie told [us]2329-us to do it . ”[26-maddie] [Maddie]26-maddie rolls [her]26-maddie red eyes before rubbing under [them]511-them . [She]26-maddie ’ll curse [you]26-maddie to hell again . ”[26-maddie] [I]0-i ’m already going to hell in [your]26-maddie nan ’s eyes . ”[0-i] [I]0-i rub some hair away from [Maddie]26-maddie ’s face and ruffle [Jacob]60-jacob ’s mop . “ Look after [them]511-them for [[your]26-maddie mum]216-my babies , yeah ? ”[60-jacob] [Jacob]60-jacob moves in and takes [[his]60-jacob sister]2209-his sister ’s hand , a sign of [their]511-them solidarity and determination . [[My]0-i babies]216-my babies . “ And [you]26-maddie ’ll look after [Mum]32-mum ? Help [her]32-mum ? ”[60-jacob] [he]60-jacob asks . [I]60-jacob promise . ”[60-jacob] “ How do [we]2330-we know [she]32-mum ’ll ever remember [us]2330-we ? ”[26-maddie] [Maddie]26-maddie , [my]0-i little live wire , [[my]0-i spirited , [defiant little madam]514-my spirited , defiant little madam]514-my spirited , defiant little madam , is n’t as sure as [[her]514-my spirited , defiant little madam brother]240-my boy , and seeing [her]514-my spirited , defiant little madam take the comfort [Jacob]60-jacob is offering shreds [me]0-i and warms [me]0-i at the same time . “ Because [[your]26-maddie dad]240-my boy said [she]514-my spirited , defiant little madam will , ”[0-i] [I]0-i cough through [my]0-i closing throat . “ And what [[your]26-maddie dad]240-my boy says is law . ”[0-i] [We]516-they know , ”[516-they] [they]516-they say in unison , looking at [each other]2249-each other and smiling , as if silently agreeing that [they]516-they trust [me]0-i . Which is good , because [they]516-they should . And [I]0-i will not let [them]516-they down . Chapter 12 [I]0-i arrive at [the hospital]384-the hospital to find [[Ava]238-ava ’s doctor]519-ava ’s doctor speaking with [the head nurse]520-the head nurse . [She]520-the head nurse nods , [he]520-the head nurse nods , [she]520-the head nurse speaks , [he]520-the head nurse speaks , [she]520-the head nurse frowns , [he]520-the head nurse frowns . “ Everything okay ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i ask as [I]0-i near . [We]2331-we were just going to call [you]0-i . ”[0-i] [I]0-i ’m instantly worried . “ Why ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i look across to [[Ava]238-ava ’s room]2211-ava ’s room , seeing [her]238-ava sitting on the edge of the bed , dressed and waiting , [her]238-ava fingers spinning [her]238-ava wedding ring . [[Your]0-i wife]238-ava was getting a little restless . ”[520-the head nurse] [He]520-the head nurse smiles fondly . [I]520-the head nurse told [her]238-ava [I]520-the head nurse ’d chase [you]238-ava up . ”[520-the head nurse] [I]0-i ’m sorry , [the children]2217-the children are going away with [[their]2217-the children grandparents]2217-the children , ”[0-i] [I]0-i tell [him]520-the head nurse , watching as [Ava]238-ava looks up and spots [me]0-i . [I]0-i smile mildly , getting one in return . This is so weird , and the weirdness does n’t seem to be lessening one iota . [I]0-i had to make sure [they]2217-the children had everything [they]2217-the children needed . ”[0-i] [I]0-i return [my]0-i attention to [the doctor]2188-the doctor . [The children]2217-the children are going away ? ”[520-the head nurse] [he]520-the head nurse asks , making it sound like [I]0-i ’m sending [them]523-them away . It has [my]0-i hackles rising , though [I]0-i fight to rein [myself]0-i in . [I]0-i do n’t need [anyone]305-anyone questioning [my]0-i decision as [[their]305-anyone father]2213-their father , or as [[Ava]238-ava ’s husband]2213-their father . [They]305-anyone need some time out from this madness , ”[0-i] [I]0-i explain , diplomatic and calm , though it takes everything out of [me]0-i . “ And if [I]0-i ’m going to help [Ava]238-ava remember [us]2333-our , [I]0-i need to go back to the beginning of [our]2333-our story . ”[0-i] [Your]0-i story ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i laugh under [my]0-i breath . “ Yes , [our]2333-our story . Let ’s just say it would make a cracking novel . ”[0-i] [My]0-i hand sweeps through [my]0-i hair . [We]2333-our ’re not [[your]0-i average couple]2334-your average couple , [Doc]86-doc . ”[0-i] [I]0-i sigh , thinking how best to word it so [he]2213-their father has a chance of understanding . [He]2213-their father ’d need to know [us]526-us to understand . [He]2213-their father ’d need to have seen what [we]526-us ’ve been through . “ When [I]0-i met [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie , it was like an atomic bomb went off in [my]0-i chest . ”[0-i] [I]0-i avoid mentioning that it felt like an atomic bomb went off in [my]0-i trousers , too . It ’s inappropriate . “ It was like a part of [my]0-i soul fused with a part of [hers]26-maddie , and there was nothing [I]0-i could do to stop it . It was the most incredible feeling . ”[0-i] [I]0-i look back into [the room]202-the room and find [Ava]238-ava ’s still staring at [me]0-i . “ Unforgettable , ”[0-i] [I]0-i whisper , watching [her]238-ava eyes fall to [my]0-i lips . “ Which makes this all the more difficult to accept , because how could [she]238-ava forget ? [Us]2336-us . The intensity of [our]2336-us relationship and everything [we]2336-us ’ve been through together ? ”[238-ava] [I]0-i tear [my]0-i gaze away from [the woman who holds [my]0-i life in [her]528-the woman who holds my life in her hands and return my attention to the doctor hands and return [my]0-i attention to [the doctor]2188-the doctor]528-the woman who holds my life in her hands and return my attention to the doctor . [I]2188-the doctor ’m scared to fucking death that those memories are gone forever . ”[2188-the doctor] [He]2188-the doctor smiles like [he]2188-the doctor understands , but [he]2188-the doctor really does n’t . [No one]210-no one possibly could . [You]2337-you ’ll make new memories . ”[0-i] [I]0-i shake [my]0-i head . “ Nothing can replace [them]2338-them . ”[2188-the doctor] [He]2188-the doctor nods this time , not countering [me]0-i . “ Here are the details of [Ava]238-ava ’s appointment . ”[2188-the doctor] [He]2188-the doctor hands [me]0-i an envelope . [We]2339-we removed the dressing on [her]238-ava head this morning . It ’s healing nicely , but keep it clean . The same with [her]238-ava leg . [You]2337-you have [my]2188-the doctor number , [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward . Anything that might be worrying [you]2337-you , just call . ”[2188-the doctor] [I]0-i take it and move past [him]2188-the doctor , heading toward [[Ava]238-ava ’s room]2211-ava ’s room . [My]0-i body is heavy . It feels like [I]0-i could be walking against a gale - force wind , the relentless gusts not only holding [my]0-i body back , but catching in [my]0-i throat , too , making breathing harder . When [I]0-i enter , [I]0-i stand like a statue for a few seconds , at a loss for what comes next . [Bag]87-bag , ”[0-i] [I]0-i blurt , rushing over to get it from beside [her]238-ava . “ Are [you]238-ava okay to walk ? ”[0-i] Any other day , [I]0-i ’d have picked [her]238-ava up without a word , whether [she]238-ava liked it or not . Quite frankly , all this asking is fucking alien . And [I]0-i hate it . [She]238-ava pushes [herself]238-ava up off the bed a little gingerly , and [my]0-i instinct kicks in . [I]0-i drop the bag immediately , desperate to ease [Ava]238-ava ’s struggle and help [her]238-ava to [her]238-ava feet . [She]238-ava clings to [me]0-i with both hands , one on each of [my]0-i forearms as [she]238-ava straightens . [I]0-i do n’t know whether it ’s because [she]238-ava needs to , or wants to . “ Thank [you]238-ava . ”[238-ava] “ Do n’t ever thank [me]0-i for looking after [you]238-ava , [Ava]238-ava . ”[0-i] [I]0-i do n’t mean to sound affronted , but it ’s unavoidable . [You]238-ava are [[my]238-ava wife]238-ava . It ’s what [I]238-ava ’ve been put on [this earth]2340-this earth to do . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava looks up at [me]0-i , a small frown crossing [her]238-ava forehead , and [I]0-i find [myself]0-i holding [my]0-i breath , waiting for [her]238-ava to tell [me]0-i [she]238-ava remembers something — remembers [me]0-i saying that before , because [I]0-i know for damn sure [I]0-i have . Or any recollection , no matter how small or insignificant [she]238-ava thinks it is . But when [she]238-ava shakes [her]238-ava head , [I]0-i realize it ’s not coming . [I]0-i sigh deeply and get [us]532-us moving , slowly but surely , constantly checking [her]238-ava for any signs of pain , or that this little trip is too much . [She]238-ava ’s focused forward , concentrating hard on the simple task of putting one foot in front of the other . It ’s so painful to watch [her]238-ava struggle . [I]0-i ca n’t do it . [I]0-i swing around to [the nurses ’ station]533-the nurses ’ station . “ Are there any fucking wheelchairs around [here]2274-here ? ”[0-i] [The nurse]421-the nurse scans [the area]2274-here , clearly panicked . [I]0-i ca n’t even bring [myself]0-i to feel bad . [They]2341-they ’re all taken at the moment , [sir]0-i . But if [you]0-i do n’t mind waiting , [I]0-i will try to track one down . ”[0-i] “ Do n’t bother , [I]238-ava ’ll fucking carry [her]238-ava . ”[238-ava] Turning back to [Ava]238-ava , [I]0-i find round , startled eyes . [I]0-i ’m carrying [you]238-ava , ”[0-i] [I]0-i inform [her]238-ava , just out of courtesy , dipping and gently lifting [her]238-ava into [my]0-i arms . [She]238-ava does n’t protest , which is a good job because [I]0-i ’m not watching [her]238-ava limp out of here . [She]238-ava ’s studying [me]0-i as [I]0-i stride down [the hall]536-the hall , probably assessing how tight [my]0-i jaw is . [I]0-i try to relax it , try to ease [my]0-i strung muscles . [I]0-i feel like [I]0-i could explode with stress . With hope . With despair . Up ahead , a pair of double doors swings open , a gurney being pushed out by [a porter]537-a porter . And on the bed , a body , the face covered by a white sheet . [I]0-i find [my]0-i feet slowing and [my]0-i eyes putting [Ava]238-ava there . On that bed . Dead . [My]0-i blood runs cold . [Jesse]454-jesse ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i jolt and look down to find [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie looking up at [me]0-i with concern . [I]0-i quickly shake away [my]0-i morbid thoughts of what could have been . [She]26-maddie ’s still here . With [me]0-i . [She]26-maddie might not be [her]26-maddie normal self , but [she]26-maddie ’s still here . [I]0-i hold [her]26-maddie tighter . [I]0-i ca n’t help it . “ Come on , let ’s get [you]26-maddie [home]201-home . ”[0-i] [Home]201-home . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie sighs , turning [her]26-maddie eyes away from [me]0-i . “ Where is that again ? ”[26-maddie] “ Anywhere [I]0-i am , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say , letting [my]0-i usual candidness where [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie ’s concerned creep back . Is [she]26-maddie smiling a little ? “ Okay ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i ask , not wanting to presume [she]26-maddie ’s finding [me]0-i funny , or maybe recognizing little pieces of [us]540-us . But what else could [she]26-maddie be smiling at ? [You]2343-you seem like the bossy type . ”[0-i] [I]0-i laugh out loud , the burst of amusement completely unstoppable . [You]2343-you have no idea , [lady]26-maddie . No idea . ”[0-i] [I]26-maddie do n’t like being told what to do , just so [you]2343-you know . ”[26-maddie] “ Oh , [I]0-i know . ”[0-i] [I]0-i laugh again , feeling a small amount of pressure lifting from [my]0-i shoulders . Only small , but … still . [I]0-i look down and unleash [my]0-i smile , the one [I]0-i reserve only for [her]26-maddie , the one [she]26-maddie ’s not seen since [she]26-maddie came around . It definitely has the desired effect , [her]26-maddie body going a little lax in [my]0-i arms . It ’s another small sign . “ And just so [you]2344-you know , that ’ll soon change . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie scoffs . It ’s the sweetest sound , even if it ’s forced . [I]0-i do n’t think so . ”[0-i] [My]0-i smile widens , because that right there was [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie . Defiant . Difficult . [Mine]0-i . Hope flourishes within [me]0-i . Chapter 13 [I]0-i watch [her]26-maddie neck crane a little as [we]541-we pull up [the driveway]542-the driveway to [[our]541-we home]543-our home , [her]26-maddie eyes taking in the grounds of [[our]541-we little manor]218-our little manor . [I]26-maddie live here ? ”[26-maddie] [she]26-maddie asks , clearly astonished . [We]541-we live here , ”[26-maddie] [I]0-i correct [her]26-maddie , rolling to a stop . “ Have done for nearly eleven years . ”[0-i] [I]0-i jump out and round [the car]2161-the car , leaving [Ava]238-ava still taking in [her]26-maddie surroundings from [the passenger seat]546-the passenger seat . [I]0-i open [her]26-maddie door , but when [she]26-maddie shows no sign of getting out of [[my]0-i Aston]547-my aston , [I]0-i dip and reach across [her]26-maddie to unclip [her]26-maddie seat belt . [My]0-i cheek brushes [her]26-maddie lips innocently , and [she]26-maddie freezes , breathing in sharply . [I]0-i freeze , too , [my]0-i face millimeters from [hers]26-maddie . From [my]0-i peripheral vision , [I]0-i can see [her]26-maddie lips are pressed together , [her]26-maddie eyes wide . Have [I]0-i startled [her]26-maddie ? Set [her]26-maddie heart racing with [my]0-i closeness ? Something tells [me]0-i it ’s both . [My]0-i eyes drop to [her]26-maddie lips , instinct demanding [me]0-i to just kiss [her]26-maddie . Kiss [her]26-maddie . Consume [her]26-maddie . Maybe that ’ll trigger whatever it is that needs to be triggered . But [she]26-maddie turns away from [me]0-i , and the hope flourishing inside [me]0-i dies a little . [I]0-i clear [my]0-i throat and back off , giving [her]26-maddie space to get out of [the car]2161-the car , which [she]26-maddie does quietly and slowly , ignoring [my]0-i offered hand . [She]26-maddie takes slow , tentative steps toward the door — slow because of [her]26-maddie injured leg , and tentative because , painfully for [me]0-i , [she]26-maddie ’s nervous . Every so often [she]26-maddie peers over [her]26-maddie shoulder at [me]0-i . [I]0-i say nothing , just follow [her]26-maddie , feeling as hopeless as hopeless could be . [I]0-i push the front door open and stand back , and [she]26-maddie hovers on the threshold , looking around [the entrance hall]549-the entrance hall . [I]0-i simply wait for [her]26-maddie to find whatever courage [she]26-maddie needs to enter . [The kids]2010-the kids ’ shoes are scattered in the corner , the small patch of marble tiles dull from the mud [they]2010-the kids ’ve brought in from [the garden]2075-the garden . It ’s a small , silly sign of [our]552-our family life , but it has [Ava]238-ava ’s undivided attention . [[Her]238-ava home]553-her home . [Her]238-ava hand comes up to [her]238-ava chest , and [I]0-i see the pulses of it under [her]238-ava palm . “ Take [your]2345-your time , ”[0-i] [I]0-i murmur gently . [She]238-ava looks up at [me]0-i and smiles a tiny smile before going back to taking in the space before [her]238-ava . [She]238-ava takes a step inside toward the collection of photographs lining the wall above the console table . [My]0-i heart thrums in [my]0-i chest as [she]238-ava edges closer to the pictures . [Her]238-ava hand reaches up to one of [us]552-our on [our]552-our wedding day , [her]238-ava lip slipping between [her]238-ava teeth , biting it gently . Then [she]238-ava spends a while staring at one of [me]0-i kneeling and kissing [her]238-ava pregnant tummy , [her]238-ava hand resting on [her]238-ava midriff as [she]238-ava does . [She]238-ava looks back to [me]0-i and offers another small smile , which [I]0-i return , so fucking nervous now , too . Then [she]238-ava finds one of [my]0-i favorite pictures , one of [the twins]2012-the twins when [they]2012-the twins were toddlers , [Jacob]60-jacob on [my]0-i shoulders , [Maddie]26-maddie on [Ava]238-ava ’s . [We]552-our ’re on [the terrace in [Paradise]6-paradise]555-the terrace in paradise . [The blue sea]556-the blue sea behind [us]552-our looks as alive as all of [our]552-our eyes . The sun is as bright as [my]0-i smile . Have any of these pictures spiked memories ? Anything at all ? Closing the door quietly , [I]0-i approach [her]238-ava , taking in the pictures [myself]0-i . Pictures of [us]552-our . Of [[our]552-our little family]557-our little family . Happiness and love are all over this wall . Everywhere [I]0-i look , [I]0-i ’m finding things that could trigger something , and [I]0-i hope so much that [they]557-our little family do . And then there ’s [my]0-i Ava Wall in [the family room]558-the family room , all transferred from [[my]0-i penthouse at [Lusso]88-lusso]559-my penthouse at lusso and added to over the years . Hundreds of pictures of [the four of [us]552-our]560-the four of us . Maybe that will help , too . Because being in [the hospital]384-the hospital has n’t , the surroundings cold , clinical , and unfamiliar . [Her]238-ava shoulders tense when [I]0-i ’m just a few feet behind [her]238-ava , and [she]238-ava looks back at [me]0-i , [her]238-ava face so sad . [She]238-ava recalls nothing . [I]238-ava wondered if [I]238-ava was in some kind of nightmare . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava turns back toward the photos . “ Or [someone]293-someone was playing a cruel joke on [me]238-ava . [I]238-ava woke up and was told [I]238-ava was married and [I]238-ava have [children]2347-children , and until now [I]238-ava did n’t quite believe it . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava points at the picture of [us]552-our on [our]552-our wedding day , [her]238-ava chin trembling . “ That ’s [me]238-ava . ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava voice breaks , and [she]238-ava looks at [me]0-i , tears flooding [her]238-ava eyes . “ With [you]26-maddie . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i nod , trying to force down [my]0-i own emotion . [Jesus]26-maddie , nothing much breaks [me]0-i , but [[my]0-i wife]238-ava so distraught is guaranteed to cut [me]0-i open . [She]238-ava looks back at the pictures , wiping at [her]238-ava eyes . “ And that ’s [me]238-ava there , too . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava points at a picture of [the twins]2012-the twins tackle hugging [her]238-ava on the trampoline in [the garden]2075-the garden . “ With … ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava hiccups over [her]238-ava words , sniffing back [her]238-ava sobs . [[My]238-ava children]2196-my children . ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava shoulders start jumping , and [she]238-ava breaks down completely , covering [her]238-ava face with [her]238-ava hands . [I]0-i drop [her]238-ava bag and move in to comfort [her]238-ava , fighting back [my]0-i own tears . “ Come here . ”[0-i] [I]0-i pull [her]238-ava into [my]0-i chest and cuddle [her]238-ava , looking up to the ceiling in despair . What the hell am [I]0-i going to do ? [Her]238-ava petite frame is jumping against [me]0-i as [she]238-ava cries , [her]238-ava grief pouring out as [her]238-ava reality crashes down . “ It ’ll be okay , ”[0-i] [I]0-i vow , dropping [my]0-i head and burying [my]0-i nose in [her]238-ava dark hair . [We]2349-we ’ll be okay , [I]0-i promise . ”[0-i] “ Why ca n’t [I]238-ava remember [you]238-ava ? Why ca n’t [I]238-ava remember [[my]238-ava children]2196-my children ? ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava pushes [me]0-i away violently , clenching [her]238-ava fists . “ Why ca n’t [I]238-ava remember ? ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava screams , shaking [the house]2056-the house with the volume . [I]238-ava need to remember ! Please , help [me]238-ava remember ! ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava folds to the floor , landing on [her]238-ava knees , sobbing like [I]0-i ’ve never seen [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie sob before . The sight will torment [me]0-i for the rest of [my]0-i days . Fucking kills [me]0-i . [I]0-i brush at [my]0-i wet cheeks harshly and force [myself]0-i to pull it together . [She]238-ava needs [me]0-i to be together . Strong . [[Her]238-ava husband]26-maddie . [I]0-i scoop [her]238-ava up and cradle [her]238-ava in [my]0-i arms , getting [my]0-i own sense of comfort as [she]238-ava curls up into [me]0-i and clings to [me]0-i like [her]238-ava life depends on it . Like it ’s natural . [I]0-i walk [us]567-us to [the kitchen]228-the kitchen and sit down on a chair , holding [her]238-ava close to [my]0-i chest while [she]238-ava lets it all out . What more can [I]0-i do ? Just be here . Hold [her]238-ava when [she]238-ava needs to be held . Tell [her]238-ava it ’ll be okay . [I]0-i keep [my]0-i face close to [hers]238-ava , hushing [her]238-ava quietly until [she]238-ava eventually calms down . It could be a minute . It could be an hour . Time means nothing at the moment . [I]238-ava ’m sorry , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava sniffs , wiping at a wet patch on [my]0-i T - shirt . “ Do n’t be silly . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i reach up and wipe [her]238-ava eyes , and [she]238-ava lets [me]0-i , studying [my]0-i face closely while [I]0-i savor the tender moment . [I]0-i ’m so grateful that [she]238-ava ’s allowing [me]0-i to comfort [her]238-ava like this . Does [she]238-ava realize that ? “ Where are [the children]2298-kids ? ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava asks , looking to the doorway , maybe listening for the sounds of [kids]2298-kids . [I]238-ava ’ve asked [[your]238-ava mum]513-your mum and [dad]2307-dad to take [them]2298-kids to [the coast]2109-the coast . Just so [you]238-ava can settle in and get used to things . ”[238-ava] “ But [they]2298-kids ’ll think [I]0-i do n’t want [them]2298-kids . ”[0-i] [I]0-i see panic on [her]238-ava face , and it strangely reassures [me]0-i to know that [she]238-ava cares about how [they]570-they must be feeling . [She]238-ava may not remember [[her]238-ava children]451-her children , but [she]238-ava still has [a mother]2287-a mother ’s instinct . [They]451-her children ’re fine , [I]238-ava promise [you]238-ava , [Ava]238-ava . [I]238-ava told [them]451-her children that [I]238-ava need time with [you]238-ava to help [you]238-ava remember some things . ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava eyes fall to [my]0-i chest and flit across the material of [my]0-i Ralph Lauren shirt . [She]2287-a mother ’s thinking . [I]2287-a mother do want them , ”[2287-a mother] [she]2287-a mother says on a frown . [I]2287-a mother know [I]2287-a mother want [them]451-her children . ”[2287-a mother] Looking up at [me]0-i , [she]2287-a mother takes [her]2287-a mother hands to [my]0-i shirt and fists the cotton . [I]2287-a mother know [they]451-her children ’re [mine]2287-a mother . ”[2287-a mother] [I]0-i nod as [I]0-i breathe in , [my]0-i eyes glued to [hers]2287-a mother . [I]2287-a mother know [you]2287-a mother know . ”[2287-a mother] [She]2287-a mother returns [my]0-i nod , thankful for [my]0-i faith in [her]2287-a mother , as [she]2287-a mother smiles through a suppressed yawn . [She]2287-a mother ’s knackered . [She]2287-a mother needs to rest . [You]2287-a mother should get some sleep . ”[2287-a mother] [She]2287-a mother looks down [her]2287-a mother front and then feels [her]2287-a mother ponytail . [I]2287-a mother ’d love a shower . ”[2287-a mother] A shower . [I]0-i ’ve lost count of how many times [we]573-we ’ve showered together . The times [I]0-i ’m oblivious as [I]0-i ’m washing [myself]0-i and that waft of cool air hits [me]0-i , a sign [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie is about to join [me]0-i under the spray . Now is n’t going to be one of those times , and it hurts so bad . “ Sure . ”[26-maddie] [I]0-i stand and set [her]26-maddie on [her]26-maddie feet , backing up , reluctantly showing [my]0-i intention to let [her]26-maddie get on with it . A tiny frown wrinkles [her]26-maddie brow . “ Where ’s [the bathroom]294-the bathroom ? ”[26-maddie] [I]0-i close [my]0-i eyes briefly , gathering air into [my]0-i dying lungs . Of course . [She]26-maddie needs a tour of [[her]26-maddie own home]575-her own home . [I]26-maddie ’ll show [you]26-maddie . ”[26-maddie] Resisting claiming [her]26-maddie hand , [I]0-i take [the stairs]244-the stairs , [my]0-i feet heavy , [my]0-i heart heavier as [Ava]238-ava follows , gazing around as [she]26-maddie does . [I]0-i enter [[our]577-our suite]578-our suite , trying not to be nervous of showing [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie where [we]577-our sleep . [The dressing room]258-the dressing room is through there , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say , pointing across [the bedroom]258-the dressing room to the double doors . “ And [the bathroom]258-the dressing room is there . ”[26-maddie] [Her]26-maddie dark gaze drags across [my]0-i body as [she]26-maddie passes [me]0-i , taking tentative steps toward [the dressing room]258-the dressing room . Uncertain whether [I]0-i should , [I]0-i follow , standing on the threshold as [she]26-maddie absorbs the space . [You]26-maddie keep [your]26-maddie underwear and nightwear in that chest , ”[26-maddie] [I]0-i tell [her]26-maddie . [She]26-maddie slides open the top drawer and surveys the contents . Then [she]26-maddie moves to the next , pulling out one of [my]0-i favorite negligées , feeling it for a while before sifting through the rest of the drawer . “ There ’s a lot of lace , ”[26-maddie] [she]26-maddie says quietly , making [me]0-i smile a little . “ Where are [my]26-maddie cotton pajamas ? The cozy stuff ? ”[26-maddie] [You]26-maddie like lace . ”[26-maddie] [Her]26-maddie eyebrows slowly rise . “ Clearly . ”[26-maddie] “ And [I]0-i do , too . ”[0-i] [I]0-i shrug when [she]26-maddie shoots [me]0-i an interested look . “ A little . ”[26-maddie] [You]26-maddie buy all [my]26-maddie underwear , do n’t [you]26-maddie ? ”[26-maddie] “ It ’s [my]0-i favorite kind of shopping , ”[0-i] [I]0-i admit , unabashed . [She]26-maddie nods , slowly and unsurely , [our]581-our eye contact never wavering . But the lust [I]0-i always find so hard to control when [we]581-our ’re alone together , especially when lace is thrown into the mix , is n’t as strong today . Not for [me]0-i , and not for [her]26-maddie . It ’s brutal , but [I]0-i know sex is n’t going to fix this . “ So [I]26-maddie guess [I]26-maddie should put one of these on ? ”[26-maddie] [she]26-maddie finally asks . [I]0-i hate that it ’s a question . And [I]0-i hate even more that [I]0-i have to answer with the answer [I]0-i do n’t want to give . “ Wear what makes [you]2355-you comfortable . ”[0-i] [I]0-i push [my]0-i shoulder off the door . [I]0-i ’ll leave [you]2355-you to shower . [I]0-i have T - shirts in the drawer if [you]2355-you ’d prefer . ”[0-i] [I]0-i make [my]0-i way [downstairs]256-downstairs , trying so hard not to feel defeated by such a trivial thing . [Lace]89-lace . It ’s trivial but means so much to [both of [us]584-us]461-both of us . [I]0-i grab a beer from the fridge , then make [my]0-i way into [the games room]585-the games room and plonk down heavily on one of the leather couches . Pulling [my]0-i phone from [my]0-i pocket , [I]0-i find [my]0-i Sonos app and put on some music , if only to kill the unbearable sound of [my]0-i thoughts . [Gnarls Barkley]90-gnarls barkley ’s “ Crazy ”[90-gnarls barkley] comes on , and [I]0-i do n’t bother changing it . It seems too apt . [My]0-i eyes fall to the bar in the corner , where every liquor known to [man]586-man is stashed . Not for [my]0-i enjoyment — [I]0-i have n’t touched the hard stuff for years — more for that of [[our]584-us guests]2083-our guests when [we]584-us entertain . But that vodka … What [I]0-i would do right now to escape from this nightmare . To get blind fucking drunk and pass out , and hopefully wake up to [my]0-i life as it should be . [I]0-i tear [my]0-i gaze away , drop [my]0-i head back , and let [my]0-i thoughts continue to torment [me]0-i as the track goes on . Let the pain penetrate deeper , because [she]588-she ’s [upstairs]589-upstairs showering alone . And [I]0-i ’m down here feeling useless . [I]0-i finish the bottle of beer but resist getting another , and go to [the office]192-the office . [I]0-i sit at the desk and fire up the iMac , and then search through the files until [I]0-i find what [I]0-i ’m looking for . The photos . [Thousands]91-thousands snapped from the very beginning , to just recently at [my]0-i fiftieth . Moments captured in time , faces smiling , and sometimes even scowling . Endless happy memories , every photograph loaded with love . [I]0-i click through , [my]0-i pain worsening with each image . How can [she]588-she not remember any of this ? How can [she]588-she not remember [me]0-i ? [I]0-i drop the mouse and scrub [my]0-i hands down [my]0-i rough face , feeling so fucking knackered — physically , emotionally . [I]0-i need a shower , too . [I]0-i leave the folder open , ready to let [Ava]238-ava scroll through the years when [she]588-she ’s ready , then drag [myself]0-i [upstairs]589-upstairs . There ’s not a peep from [[our]592-our bedroom]332-our room , and when [I]0-i push into [[our]592-our room]332-our room , [I]0-i find [Ava]238-ava snuggled up in [our]592-our bed . [I]0-i ca n’t help feeling hurt . [She]588-she ’s always claimed it ’s impossible to get to sleep without lying on [my]0-i chest . Then [I]0-i feel a little hopeful , because [she]588-she ’s wearing the lace instead of the T - shirt [I]0-i offered . [I]0-i ignore the fact that [she]588-she has always slept naked . [Baby]60-jacob steps . After creeping to [the bathroom]294-the bathroom , [I]0-i take a quick , lonely shower , and then [I]0-i trim [my]0-i stubble , taking it down to the three days ’ worth that [she]588-she loves so much . [I]0-i spend only a few seconds taking in [the man]2289-the man before [me]0-i . [I]0-i ’m a fucking mess . [I]0-i feel weak , disheartened , and sad . [I]0-i ’ve been in hell before , and [I]0-i feel like [I]0-i ’m free - falling back there now . Why ? Why is this happening ? What did [I]0-i do ? [I]0-i brace [my]0-i hands on the sink and breathe deeply , trying not to let the anger that ’s brewing erupt . [I]0-i do n’t like it when things are out of [my]0-i control , and right now , [my]0-i world is spiraling into fucking bedlam . And there ’s nothing [I]0-i can do about it , only hope . [My]0-i shoulders rolling with the strain of keeping [my]0-i temper contained , [I]0-i growl , [my]0-i teeth clenched , desperate to hit something . [I]0-i look up and face [myself]0-i again . And before [I]0-i realize what ’s happened , the mirror shatters and [my]0-i knuckles split . It ’s okay , though . Now [my]0-i reflection looks exactly how [I]0-i feel . Broken . Chapter 14 [I]0-i ca n’t stand how quiet it is around here . [I]0-i ca n’t hear [the kids]2012-the twins tearing through [the house]2056-the house , ca n’t hear the coffee brewing , ca n’t hear [Ava]238-ava shouting at [the twins]2012-the twins to get [their]2012-the twins little arses into gear for [school]2011-school . It ’s deadly silent . [I]0-i stare at [the coffeemaker]599-the coffeemaker for a few seconds , feeling anger building . It ’s just [a coffeemaker]599-the coffeemaker . But it ’s a coffeemaker that ’s always brewing when [I]0-i get [downstairs]256-downstairs in the morning , because [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie has switched it on . It ’s [her]26-maddie thing . That ’s what [she]26-maddie does , and today [she]26-maddie has n’t . Because [she]26-maddie does n’t know . [I]0-i yank the cupboard open and search for the coffee . [I]0-i do n’t even know how to work the fucking thing . Finally , [I]0-i locate it , pour it in , and fiddle with the stupid fucking machine , cursing [my]0-i way through it . [I]0-i do n’t even know if [I]0-i ’ve done it right , but [I]0-i switch it on , hoping for the best , and silently will it to hurry the hell up to rid the kitchen of the god - awful quiet . [I]0-i collect a cup , add milk , and then tap [my]0-i fingers impatiently on the worktop while [I]0-i wait , scowling down at [my]0-i scuffed knuckles . [My]0-i eyeballs feel like [they]602-they ’re being scratched every time [I]0-i blink , [my]0-i lack of sleep catching up with [me]0-i . [I]0-i think [I]0-i got an hour last night . An hour slumped in the chair by [our]603-our bed , the rest of the night spent watching [her]26-maddie sleep , desperate to crawl in behind [her]26-maddie and cuddle [her]26-maddie in [my]0-i usual fierce way . But [I]0-i dared not . As [I]0-i pour coffee , [I]0-i hear [my]0-i phone from across [the kitchen]228-the kitchen . [I]0-i fetch it and answer without looking at the screen . “ Morning , [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth . ”[0-i] “ How are things ? [She]26-maddie settled in okay ? ”[26-maddie] [Her]26-maddie voice sounds as desperate as [I]0-i ’m feeling . No . And things are fucking awful . “ As well as can be expected , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say . “ How are [the twins]2012-the twins ? ”[0-i] [Joseph]51-joseph has taken [them]2012-the twins to the driving range . [We]2012-the twins ’ve got lots planned — surfing , crabbing , fishing . ”[0-i] [I]0-i smile as [I]0-i sip some caffeine down . “ Thanks , [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth . [I]0-i really appreciate [you]424-elizabeth doing this . ”[0-i] [I]0-i do n’t think [I]0-i ’ve ever sounded so sincere when speaking to [[my]0-i mother - in - law]605-my mother - in - law . “ Oh , [Jesse]454-jesse . ”[26-maddie] [Her]26-maddie voice cracks under the pressure to remain strong , and for the first time in [my]0-i existence , [I]0-i wish [she]26-maddie were here so [I]0-i could give [her]26-maddie a hug . “ Listen to [me]0-i , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say as sternly as [I]0-i can muster . [You]424-elizabeth ’ve known [me]0-i for twelve years , [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth . So [you]424-elizabeth should know that [I]0-i ’m not going to let those years slip away like [they]2357-they were never there . ”[0-i] [She]26-maddie coughs over a little laugh , sniffling . [I]26-maddie know [we]2358-we ’re both terribly silly with [our]2358-we bickering , but [you]424-elizabeth do know [I]26-maddie adore [you]424-elizabeth , [Jesse Ward]454-jesse . ”[26-maddie] On the inside , [I]0-i ’m toasty warm with appreciation , and yes , [I]0-i did know that deep down . But at the risk of breaking down , too , [I]0-i ’m forced to pull [my]0-i arrogant self back to the surface . [I]0-i ca n’t cry on [[Ava]238-ava ’s mother]26-maddie . [She]26-maddie ’s depending on [me]0-i . [I]0-i ca n’t cry on [anyone]305-anyone . “ Yeah , well , [my]0-i heart belongs to another . ”[0-i] “ Oh , stop . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie laughs , and it ’s so good to hear . [You]424-elizabeth ’re still a menace . ”[26-maddie] “ And [you]424-elizabeth ’re still a pain in [my]0-i fucking arse , [Mum]32-mum . Look after [[my]0-i babies]216-my babies . ”[0-i] “ Okay . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie does n’t argue , does n’t even question [my]0-i order . “ Keep in touch , wo n’t [you]424-elizabeth ? ”[26-maddie] “ Every day , ”[0-i] [I]0-i assure [her]26-maddie , hanging up and sliding [my]0-i phone onto the counter , [my]0-i shoulders immediately dropping . The energy to be strong is draining [me]0-i . How long can [I]0-i keep this up ? On a sigh , [I]0-i wander over to the fridge and pull it open , snatching down some peanut butter from the shelf . [I]0-i remain where [I]0-i am , just set on having a couple of scoops , something familiar and comforting in [this foreign world]608-this foreign world . A few minutes later , [I]0-i ’m halfway through the jar . “ Morning . ”[26-maddie] [Her]26-maddie soft , unsure voice hits [me]0-i like a cricket bat in the back of the head , and [I]0-i whirl around with [my]0-i finger in [my]0-i mouth to find [her]26-maddie at the entrance to [the kitchen]228-the kitchen , [her]26-maddie hands playing nervously where [they]610-they ’re linked together at [her]26-maddie midriff . The lace nightwear has been covered with a cream satin dressing gown , [her]26-maddie dark hair fanning [her]26-maddie shoulders . [She]26-maddie ’s a vision . And [I]0-i ca n’t touch [her]26-maddie . [I]0-i suck [my]0-i finger clean and swallow , quickly screwing the lid back on as [she]26-maddie frowns down at [my]0-i hands . “ Peanut butter ? ”[26-maddie] [she]26-maddie questions . Is that humor in [her]26-maddie tone ? Would now be a good time to tell [her]26-maddie that one of [her]26-maddie favorite pastimes is smothering [her]26-maddie boobs in it and letting [me]0-i indulge in [my]0-i two favorite things all at once ? “ It ’s a vice . ”[0-i] [I]0-i put it back in the fridge and grab some orange juice , pouring [her]26-maddie a glass , nervous and shaky in [my]0-i movements . “ Did [you]0-i sleep well ? ”[26-maddie] Not once in nearly twelve years of marriage have [I]0-i ever had to ask that question . Because [I]0-i ’ve always been right by [her]26-maddie side , aware when [she]26-maddie ’s sleeping peacefully or when [she]26-maddie ’s fidgeting because something is on [her]26-maddie mind . “ Not really . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie pads toward [me]0-i and takes the glass from [my]0-i hands , smiling a little , before settling on a stool at [the island]2099-the island . “ It felt like something was missing . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie looks away , as if ashamed to admit it . [I]26-maddie ’ve concluded that it must have been [you]26-maddie . ”[26-maddie] What ? Hope flourishes within [me]0-i again , and [I]0-i ’m not sure whether to welcome it or not . With no hope , there can be no disappointment . But [I]0-i ca n’t help it . Moving to the stool beside [her]26-maddie , [I]0-i take a seat . [Ava]238-ava , [you]238-ava should know that — ”[0-i] “ Once [I]0-i ’ve had [you]238-ava , [you]238-ava ’re [mine]0-i . ”[0-i] [I]0-i nearly fall back off [my]0-i stool . To hell with disappointment . Nothing could hold back the joy surging through [my]0-i veins right now . [You]238-ava remember ? ”[26-maddie] With [her]26-maddie lips on the rim of [her]26-maddie glass , [her]26-maddie brow furrows a little . [I]26-maddie do n’t know where that came from . ”[26-maddie] “ Inside [you]238-ava , [Ava]238-ava . ”[0-i] [I]0-i take [her]26-maddie juice and place it on the counter , taking [her]26-maddie hands in [mine]0-i and squeezing tightly . “ Way deep inside [you]238-ava . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie looks at [me]0-i , tears in [her]26-maddie eyes building again . Damn those fucking tears . “ This is so frustrating . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie squeezes [my]0-i hand in return , wanting [me]0-i to understand . [She]26-maddie has to trust [me]0-i . [I]0-i do . [I]0-i really do . [I]0-i just stood in [[two children]2290-two children ’s bedrooms]2361-two children ’s bedrooms for fifteen minutes , demanding to remember [them]2290-two children . [I]0-i smelled the sheets of [their]2290-two children beds and went through [their]2290-two children drawers . Nothing . ”[0-i] A lone tear rolls down [her]26-maddie cheek , and [I]0-i catch it with the pad of [my]0-i thumb . It ’s no good . [I]0-i lift [her]26-maddie onto [my]0-i lap , [my]0-i body wrapped around [hers]26-maddie . There ’s no resistance from [her]26-maddie whatsoever . [I]26-maddie just want to bang [my]26-maddie head repeatedly against a wall until it all comes back . ”[26-maddie] [You]26-maddie ’ll do no such thing , [lady]26-maddie . ”[0-i] [My]0-i nose in [her]26-maddie hair , [I]0-i inhale , appreciative that [she]26-maddie ’s letting [me]0-i comfort [her]26-maddie once again . Whether [she]26-maddie wants it or needs it is n’t something [I]0-i ’m wasting [my]0-i thoughts on . Because [I]0-i need it . Sighing , [she]26-maddie shuffles from [my]0-i lap , forcing [me]0-i to hold [my]0-i breath and talk down [my]0-i dick when [she]26-maddie innocently rubs against [me]0-i . There will be none of that , and [I]0-i never , not ever , thought [I]0-i would say that in [my]0-i lifetime with [her]26-maddie . “ What did [you]26-maddie do to [your]26-maddie hand ? ”[26-maddie] [she]26-maddie asks , running a light fingertip over the tops of [my]0-i knuckles . [I]0-i shake [my]0-i head and remove [my]0-i hand from [her]26-maddie touch , [my]0-i silent way of telling [her]26-maddie to leave it . [I]0-i can see by the wariness in [her]26-maddie eyes that [she]26-maddie knows full well what happened to [my]0-i hand . [She]26-maddie must have seen the mirror . Or maybe [she]26-maddie heard it shatter last night . [She]26-maddie does n’t push it . “ What are [we]2362-we doing today ? ”[26-maddie] [she]26-maddie asks instead . Yes . Back to the important business . [I]0-i get up and offer [my]0-i hand , grateful when [she]26-maddie takes it . [I]0-i ’ve found all the photographs on the computer . [I]0-i thought [you]2363-you could spend the morning going through those . ”[0-i] “ The whole morning ? ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie lets [me]0-i lead [her]26-maddie into the study and help [her]26-maddie sit at the desk . [We]612-all of us have a lot of photographs . ”[0-i] [I]0-i wake up the screen , and [we]612-all of us ’re immediately greeted by a picture of [the four of [us]612-all of us]560-the four of us . It was in Paradise . [The twins]2012-the twins were [toddlers]2012-the twins . [I]0-i was forty - two , and [Ava]238-ava a vision of stunning perfection at thirty . [Maddie]26-maddie ’s in [her]238-ava arms , [Jacob]60-jacob in [mine]0-i . And [we]612-all of us ’re kicking water at each other on [the seashore]615-the seashore , [all of [us]612-all of us]612-all of us laughing . It ’s a beautiful moment captured in time , natural and real . [I]0-i watch as [she]26-maddie reaches forward and touches the screen lightly , [her]26-maddie finger drifting across all four of [our]612-all of us faces . [We]612-all of us ’re [a really good - looking family]2364-a really good - looking family , ”[26-maddie] [she]26-maddie muses to [herself]26-maddie . [He]2364-a really good - looking family looks like [you]2365-you . And [she]26-maddie looks like [me]26-maddie . ”[26-maddie] [I]0-i say nothing , just kiss the top of [her]26-maddie head and leave [her]26-maddie to go through the endless shots of [our]612-all of us happiness . [I]0-i wo n’t be able to watch [her]26-maddie do that without breaking down . * * * Agony . It ’s pure fucking agony for the whole five hours [she]26-maddie ’s in [the office]192-the office looking at pictures . [I]0-i wonder constantly if anything has spiked any memory . And then [I]0-i finally hear [her]26-maddie crying and know that it has n’t . [I]0-i look up to the ceiling , squeezing [my]0-i eyes closed , anguish settling deeply in [my]0-i gut . Then [I]0-i pull [myself]0-i together and follow [her]26-maddie cries to [the family room]202-the room . [I]0-i find [her]26-maddie on [her]26-maddie knees at the foot of [[my]0-i Ava Wall]618-my ava wall . [Her]26-maddie head is in [her]26-maddie hands , [her]26-maddie fists clawing at [her]26-maddie temples as if [she]26-maddie ’s trying to physically yank the memories free . Shit , [she]26-maddie ’ll open [her]26-maddie wound . [Ava]238-ava , [baby]238-ava . ”[26-maddie] [I]0-i run across [the room]202-the room , [my]0-i heart tugging painfully as [I]0-i gather [her]26-maddie up . Every inch of the wall above [us]619-us is covered with photographs and captions written by [me]0-i , [Ava]238-ava , and [the twins]2012-the twins now , too . There have been days when [I]0-i have come in here and chilled out on the couch and just stared at it all day , taking in the sheer magnificence . Nothing ever makes [me]0-i smile harder than finding a new photograph and reading the words either [Ava]238-ava or [one of [the twins]2012-the twins]621-one of the twins has put with it . It ’s one huge homage to [[my]0-i family]358-my family , one of the most precious things in [my]0-i life . And now it ’s a factor of [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie ’s desolation . [My]0-i eyes fall to the most recent picture , the one [Jacob]60-jacob and [Maddie]26-maddie put up nearly two weeks ago . It ’s [me]0-i , [my]0-i face moody as [Ava]238-ava kisses [my]0-i cheek . The caption in [Maddie]26-maddie ’s handwriting reads : It ’s [Dad]1256-dad ’s birthday . And [he]1256-dad ’s real grumpy about it ! [I]0-i swallow as [I]0-i pull [Ava]238-ava closer to [my]0-i chest and move to the couch , sitting and arranging [her]238-ava with ease on [my]0-i lap . [I]0-i quickly check [her]238-ava head , making sure [she]238-ava ’s not upset [her]238-ava wound , as [she]238-ava curls up so small , huddled and sobbing into [me]0-i . [I]0-i say nothing and just hold [her]238-ava for the next hour while [she]238-ava cries [her]238-ava heart out , curses out loud , shouts and screams , and sobs some more . [My]0-i eyes are stinging from the silent tears [I]0-i allow to escape while [her]238-ava head is buried in [my]0-i chest , [her]238-ava fingers clawing at [my]0-i T - shirt to hold on to [me]0-i , like [she]238-ava ’s afraid [I]0-i ’ll leave [her]238-ava alone in [her]238-ava darkness . Never . [We]624-we ’re in this together . All the way to the end . [I]0-i ca n’t see any light at the end of [this torturous tunnel]625-this torturous tunnel , but [I]0-i pray it ’s there somewhere . Eventually , [her]238-ava sobbing subsides , though [I]0-i do n’t push [her]238-ava to leave [her]238-ava hiding place , waiting patiently for [her]238-ava to brave facing [the stranger who ’s holding [her]238-ava]626-the stranger who ’s holding her . “ Zero , [baby]194-kate , ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava murmurs into [my]0-i chest on a sniffle . [I]0-i stiffen . “ Why do [I]0-i keep hearing those words ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i push [her]238-ava away from [my]0-i chest to find [her]238-ava eyes . [They]627-they ’re red and swollen . “ It ’s one of [our]2367-our games , ”[0-i] [I]0-i explain , and [she]238-ava frowns , encouraging [me]0-i to go on . [I]238-ava start at three , and when [I]238-ava get to zero — ”[238-ava] “ What ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i shrug , pushing on . “ Sometimes [I]0-i tickle the shit out of [you]194-kate , sometimes [I]0-i kiss the living daylights out of [you]194-kate , and sometimes [I]0-i put [you]194-kate in bed . ”[0-i] That ’s about as delicate as [I]0-i could be in explaining the countdown . [Ava]238-ava , [baby]238-ava , it ’s just another part of [our]2368-our wonderful . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava smiles , just a little . But it ’s still a smile . [Ava]238-ava , [baby]238-ava , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava whispers , settling back into [my]0-i chest , turning [her]238-ava face outward so [her]238-ava cheek is flat on [my]0-i pec , [her]238-ava eyes staring across [the room]202-the room to the wall . “ Whenever [you]194-kate say that , it sounds perfectly right . Whenever [you]194-kate hold [me]238-ava , it feels perfectly right . Whenever [I]238-ava look at [you]194-kate , [I]238-ava know [you]194-kate are [mine]238-ava . When [I]238-ava look at [the kids]2010-the kids , [I]238-ava do n’t recognize [them]2010-the kids , but something tells [me]238-ava to protect [them]2010-the kids . It all feels incredibly right . ”[238-ava] “ Because it is right , ”[0-i] [I]0-i reply , so relieved to hear that . It ’s a flash of the light in this darkness [I]0-i ’m searching for . “ Everything about [us]2370-us is right . ”[0-i] “ So why ca n’t [I]238-ava remember ? ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava voice cracks again , and not for the first time , [I]0-i try to imagine [her]238-ava bleakness . Try to imagine what it must be like to feel so misplaced . [I]0-i ’m not sure it ’s fair to compare [her]238-ava struggle to [mine]0-i . [You]238-ava must be so frustrated , too , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava sobs . “ How long will it be until [you]238-ava give up on [me]238-ava ? ”[238-ava] Give up ? [Jesus]26-maddie , [she]238-ava really does n’t know [me]0-i anymore at all . Ignoring the pain in [my]0-i heart is hard . Hearing [her]238-ava doubt [my]0-i determination is [a killer]629-a killer . [You]238-ava will remember , ”[0-i] [I]0-i vow . [You]238-ava and [I]0-i are a formidable force , [Ava]238-ava . Nothing has defeated [us]2371-us in the past , and [I]0-i ’m not about to let it now . ”[0-i] [I]0-i take [her]238-ava wedding ring and bring it to [my]0-i lips , kissing it gently , and [she]238-ava looks up at [me]0-i with so much need in [her]238-ava eyes . It ’s need of another kind . Not a sexual need , but a need for [me]0-i . Just [me]0-i . To help [her]238-ava , to support [her]238-ava , to love [her]238-ava . To remind [her]238-ava . [I]0-i once told [you]238-ava that [I]0-i wanted to look after [you]238-ava forever . ”[0-i] [I]0-i hold [her]238-ava eyes , never wavering . [I]238-ava meant it , [baby]194-kate . Forever is n’t over yet . Never will be , not for [us]2373-us . [I]238-ava love [you]238-ava . [You]238-ava are the best part of [me]238-ava , [Ava]238-ava . The greatest part . That ca n’t be forgotten . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava blinks a few times , maybe a little taken aback . That hurts , too , because any other time [I]0-i ’ve told [her]238-ava how much [I]0-i love [her]238-ava , [she]238-ava ’s just smiled and kissed [me]0-i . [We]2374-we must love each other an awful lot . ”[238-ava] “ It ’s pure bliss , [baby]194-kate , ”[0-i] [I]0-i begin quietly . “ Total gratification . ”[0-i] [I]0-i lower [my]0-i lips cautiously and peck [her]238-ava wet cheek lightly . “ Absolute , complete , earth - shifting — ”[0-i] “ Universe - shaking love . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava barely breathes those final words , but [I]0-i hear [them]630-them like [they]630-them ’re being delivered through a megawatt speaker held at [my]0-i ear . “ Yeah , ”[0-i] [I]0-i confirm , cool on the outside , but on the inside [I]0-i ’m constantly being carved up by the fact that [she]238-ava ’s saying things and [she]238-ava does n’t know why [she]238-ava ’s saying them . [I]238-ava ’m not going anywhere , and neither are [you]238-ava , do [you]238-ava hear [me]238-ava ? ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava nods through more tears and crawls in closer to [me]0-i , except this time [her]238-ava face goes into [my]0-i neck and [she]238-ava breathes [me]0-i in , [her]238-ava lips resting just perfectly on [my]0-i skin as [her]238-ava hands slip under [my]0-i T - shirt and feel [me]0-i . [You]238-ava always smell so good . Are [you]238-ava going to tell [me]238-ava how old [you]238-ava are now ? ”[238-ava] “ Twenty - two . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava chuckles , and [I]0-i smile . [I]238-ava can tell [you]238-ava make [me]238-ava happy . ”[238-ava] “ Good . ”[0-i] [I]0-i relax in [my]0-i seat and [we]631-we spend a few silent , blissful moments in [our]631-we madness just snuggling , [her]238-ava hands skating over [my]0-i chest , lightly touching [me]0-i everywhere [she]238-ava can . Like [she]238-ava ’s reacquainting [herself]238-ava to the feel of [me]0-i . Chapter 15 [We]631-we ’ve been rattling around [the quiet , empty house]632-the quiet , empty house for two days , leaving only once so [I]0-i could take [her]238-ava to therapy . [We]631-we left the session after no spikes in [her]238-ava memory , and the hopelessness seemed to multiply by a million . [I]0-i ’ve forced [myself]0-i into the spare bed each night , and hated it with a vengeance every time [I]0-i ’ve left [her]238-ava in [[our]631-we suite]578-our suite . Each time , [she]238-ava watches [me]0-i as [I]0-i go , and each time [I]0-i ’ve wondered if [she]238-ava really does n’t want [me]0-i to leave . But there ’s no way [I]0-i can ask [her]238-ava . [I]0-i keep seeing glimmers of a familiar look in [her]238-ava eyes , a pleased look , the look [she]238-ava used to give [me]0-i every day of [our]631-we lives . It ’s the look that tells [me]0-i [she]238-ava wants [me]0-i . The attraction [she]238-ava ’s never been able to hide . But now [she]238-ava ’s holding back . [She]238-ava ’s trying to fight it . Just like [she]238-ava did all those years ago when [she]238-ava walked into [[my]0-i office]634-my office . But this time , [I]0-i ca n’t charge [her]238-ava resistance down like a bull . [I]0-i ca n’t take what [I]0-i want . [I]0-i have to wait for it to be given to [me]0-i , and it ’s killing [me]0-i a little bit more each day . [I]0-i ’ve been watching [her]238-ava , wondering what ’s going on in that mind of [hers]238-ava . And [she]238-ava ’s caught [me]0-i doing it often , smiling a small smile each time . [She]238-ava ’s getting used to [me]0-i . Weighing [me]0-i up . It ’s now nighttime again , and dread fills [me]0-i as [I]0-i walk [her]238-ava up to [[our]635-our room]332-our room , the bed still unmade from this morning . [I]0-i ’d normally strip [her]238-ava down to [her]238-ava skin , lift [her]238-ava into bed , and crawl in behind [her]238-ava . But that fear of scaring [her]238-ava to death or being rejected stops [me]0-i again . [I]0-i do n’t know if [I]0-i could take it . Yet walking out and leaving [her]238-ava kills [me]0-i , too . [Kate]194-kate ’s words crawl into [my]0-i mind . Where ’s [the Jesse Ward]637-the jesse ward [we]635-our all know and love ? On that note … “ Arms up , ”[0-i] [I]0-i order [Ava]238-ava , taking the hem of [her]238-ava shirt . [She]238-ava gazes up at [me]0-i , a little surprised . There ’s uncertainty in [her]238-ava eyes , and [she]238-ava flinches when [my]0-i fingers brush the flesh of [her]238-ava tummy . In return , [I]0-i flinch , too , yet [my]0-i reaction has nothing to do with the usual flame on [my]0-i skin whenever [I]0-i touch [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie , and everything to do with [her]26-maddie wariness . [I]0-i drop [her]26-maddie T - shirt and step back , giving [her]26-maddie space , trying to control the agony in [my]0-i chest before it puts [me]0-i on [my]0-i knees and has [me]0-i begging . “ Never mind . [I]0-i ’ll give [you]639-the one person in this world who brought me back to life some privacy . ”[0-i] [I]0-i turn before [she]238-ava catches sight of [my]0-i watery eyes and take [myself]0-i away from [the one person in this world who brought [me]0-i back to life]639-the one person in this world who brought me back to life . And [the one person in the world who can finish [me]0-i]639-the one person in this world who brought me back to life . Closing the door behind [me]0-i , [I]0-i stalk away , aware that if [I]0-i stop and try to gather [myself]0-i , [I]0-i ’ll either put a hole in the wall or crumple to the floor and cry [my]0-i fucking heart out . [I]0-i roughly brush at [my]0-i damp eyes as [I]0-i take [the stairs]244-the stairs , eager to put as much space between [us]641-us as possible so that when [I]0-i roar [my]0-i frustration , [she]238-ava ’s not as likely to hear . [My]0-i pace quickens as [I]0-i round the bottom of [the stairs]244-the stairs , and [I]0-i stagger into [the games room]585-the games room and shut the door behind [me]0-i , falling against the wood , [my]0-i body rolling with the effort it ’s taking to breathe . Bang . [I]0-i smack the back of [my]0-i head on the wood , squeezing [my]0-i eyes shut , quaking with a fury [I]0-i ’m unable to control . Why ? Why is this happening ? [I]0-i ’ve pushed [her]238-ava too far too soon . The roar [I]0-i ’ve been suppressing since [I]0-i escaped [[our]641-us room]332-our room bubbles up from the pit of [my]0-i stomach and explodes out of [me]0-i , and [I]0-i turn , throwing [my]0-i fist into the door . The door does n’t splinter , but [my]0-i already split knuckles split some more . It does n’t hurt . The only pain [I]0-i feel is in [my]0-i fractured heart . “ Fuck ! ”[0-i] [I]0-i stay where [I]0-i am , forehead resting on the door , fists clenched , for as long as it takes [me]0-i to cool down . It could be two minutes , it could be an hour . [I]0-i do n’t know . [I]0-i feel as though precious time is slipping like sand through an hourglass . Unstoppable . It ’s the sound of [my]0-i phone that eventually pulls [me]0-i from the door . Feeling numb , [I]0-i walk over to the table and swipe it up . It ’s [Kate]194-kate . “ Hey . ”[194-kate] [I]0-i slump onto the couch and inspect [my]0-i bloody fist . “ Everything okay ? ”[0-i] [[My]194-kate wife]26-maddie does n’t know who [I]194-kate am , [Kate]194-kate . So , no , everything is n’t okay . ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate does n’t reprimand [me]0-i on [my]0-i curtness . “ No progress , then ? ”[194-kate] [I]0-i sigh , long and tiredly . [I]0-i keep getting glimmers of hope . Small things that make [my]0-i heart leap with promise . And then [they]2377-they disappear , [my]0-i hope dies , and [I]0-i ’m back to square one . ”[0-i] [I]194-kate know it ’s not [your]194-kate forte , but [you]194-kate need to be patient , [Jesse]454-jesse . Like [the doctor]2188-the doctor said , there ’s a cog in [her]194-kate mind that ’s jammed . ”[194-kate] “ And it keeps jittering and then grinding to a stop again . It ’s so fucking frustrating . ”[0-i] [You]194-kate ’re frustrated ? ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate laughs a little . “ Imagine how [Ava]238-ava must be feeling , [Jesse]454-jesse . [She]194-kate ’s woken up with [a husband]454-jesse and [two kids]2380-two kids and sixteen years of [her]194-kate life missing . ”[194-kate] Guilt . It sweeps right in and cripples [me]0-i . [I]0-i know . ”[0-i] [I]0-i rub [my]0-i forehead , like [I]0-i can wipe away the stress . [I]0-i can see it all in there , [Kate]194-kate . It ’s all in there , [I]0-i just need [her]194-kate to remember it . ”[0-i] What if [she]194-kate never feels the connection and emotion [she]194-kate did when [we]644-us met ? No matter how much [I]0-i might try to describe it to [her]194-kate , it wo n’t be as intense and crippling as it was back then . How it always is . It wo n’t bond [us]644-us in the same way , and now more than ever [I]0-i need that bond . [She]194-kate ’ll remember . Do n’t give up . ”[0-i] “ Never , ”[0-i] [I]0-i vow , hoarse through the despair blocking [my]0-i throat . Despair [I]0-i ’m quite sure [I]0-i ’m not hiding very well . “ How about dinner one night ? [All of [us]644-us]612-all of us . [Drew]53-drew and [Raya]54-raya are game . ”[0-i] “ Yeah , ”[0-i] [I]0-i agree half - heartedly . [I]0-i ’m not all that enthusiastic about sitting around a table with [friends]2054-friends so [they]2054-friends can see how much of a stranger [I]0-i am to [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie . “ Let [me]2054-friends know when . ”[2054-friends] [I]26-maddie will . Keep it together , [Jesse]454-jesse . It ’s no wonder [she]26-maddie does n’t recognize [you]454-jesse . [I]26-maddie barely do [myself]26-maddie . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie hangs up with those words still lingering in the air . “ Jesus , ”[26-maddie] [I]0-i breathe , dropping [my]0-i phone to the couch , so caught in conflict . [I]0-i replay all those little glimmers of hope that [Ava]238-ava ’s given to [me]0-i , words that have come from nowhere , but have been quickly snatched away with a frown or muddled look on [her]238-ava face . The soaring happiness followed quickly by unrelenting hurt . [My]0-i eyes fall to the drinks cabinet across [the room]202-the room again , the bottle of clear liquor enticing [me]0-i , pulling [me]0-i in with promises of respite . “ Keep it together , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say to [myself]0-i , forcing [my]0-i heavy body up from the couch . [I]0-i lock up [the house]2056-the house and make [my]0-i way [upstairs]589-upstairs , [my]0-i eyes nailed to [[our]650-our bedroom]593-our bedroom door as [I]0-i wander to [the spare room]202-the room . Another night without [her]238-ava sprawled all over [my]0-i chest . Another night missing [her]238-ava warmth . Another night with the biggest piece of [me]0-i missing from [my]0-i side . Chapter 16 [Ava]238-ava The past few days , all [I]0-i ’ve had to do is think . Think and go to therapy and think some more . [I]0-i ’m sick of thinking . [I]0-i ’m sick of the headaches from thinking too hard . The last [I]0-i remember , [I]0-i was dating [a guy named [Matt]92-matt]652-a guy named matt . [I]0-i even remember talks of moving in together . So what happened ? And what about the career [I]0-i was working so hard for ? [I]0-i work for [[my]0-i husband]454-jesse . Live with [[my]0-i husband]454-jesse . It ’s obvious [I]0-i ’m always kept close by . Is that normal ? Is it healthy ? [I]0-i sigh and turn over in bed , catching sight of the clock on the table . It ’s eight o’clock . [I]0-i can hear clatters and bangs coming from [the kitchen]228-the kitchen . Last night [he]652-a guy named matt tried to undress [me]0-i . [I]0-i could n’t help but flinch when [he]652-a guy named matt touched [my]0-i bare skin , not just because [I]0-i was surprised . [My]0-i flesh seemed to ignite , and though it was like nothing [I]0-i ’d felt before , somehow [I]0-i know that [I]0-i have . In that moment , [I]0-i was alarmed by [my]0-i reaction . Scared by it . [I]0-i hardly know [him]652-a guy named matt . Yet [my]0-i body does and it ’s telling [me]0-i every single day . There ’s a connection . Something deep and almost debilitating . [He]652-a guy named matt ’s devastating . [I]0-i close [my]0-i eyes and try to wrap [my]0-i mind around all the signs that [I]0-i love [him]652-a guy named matt . Not just the tangible proof — the pictures , [the children]2217-the children , what [people]2279-people have told [me]0-i . But the invisible proof . Like [my]0-i skipping heart when [I]0-i see [him]652-a guy named matt . Like [my]0-i heated skin when [he]652-a guy named matt touches [me]0-i . Like a strange urge inside [me]0-i to be close to [him]652-a guy named matt . Something clicks whenever [I]0-i am , like when [he]652-a guy named matt hugs [me]0-i in those big arms . [He]652-a guy named matt ’s good at snuggling . [He]652-a guy named matt ’s good at comforting [me]0-i . [He]652-a guy named matt ’s good at giving [me]0-i space when [I]0-i need it . [I]0-i stop that thought process right there and rewind . [I]0-i do n’t think [he]652-a guy named matt ’s really very good at giving [me]0-i space , and [I]0-i really do n’t know if [I]0-i want it . [I]0-i can see the strain on [his]652-a guy named matt face whenever [he]652-a guy named matt leaves [the bedroom]228-the kitchen . And [I]0-i feel the strain within [me]0-i . Something is n’t right . [He]652-a guy named matt does n’t seem right , and that ’s a strange conclusion for [me]0-i to reach when [I]0-i do n’t know [him]652-a guy named matt . Gingerly edging to the side of the bed , [I]0-i wince as [I]0-i stand , the muscle behind the healing cut on [my]0-i leg pulling tight . [I]0-i pull on a cream gown and head for the door . [I]0-i want to know things , and [I]0-i ’m ready to ask . So [he]652-a guy named matt better be ready to tell . Chapter 17 [I]0-i ’m making coffee again , creating as much noise as [I]0-i can to fill the silence , when [Ava]238-ava marches into [the kitchen]228-the kitchen . [I]0-i ’m taken aback by the determination written all over [her]238-ava face . Then [she]238-ava stops , [her]238-ava eyes sparkling a bit at the sight of [my]0-i bare chest . As [her]238-ava gaze moves down , the sparkle fades and [she]238-ava points to [my]0-i stomach . Or the two scars marring it . “ What happened ? ”[238-ava] [I]0-i look down . [I]0-i do n’t know why . “ Nothing . ”[0-i] [I]0-i shake [my]0-i head and return [my]0-i attention to [Ava]238-ava , not prepared to go there yet . Besides , [I]0-i know [she]238-ava did n’t come stomping in here looking all resolute to talk about [my]0-i scars . It ’s the first time [she]238-ava ’s seen [them]658-them since the accident . “ What ’s up ? ”[238-ava] After a little shake of [her]238-ava own head , [she]238-ava rights [her]238-ava softened body , standing tall and confident . “ Tell [me]238-ava how [we]2382-we met . [I]238-ava want [you]2383-you to tell [me]238-ava everything . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i cautiously lower [my]0-i arse to a stool , torn between happiness that [she]238-ava ’s asked , and dread from the pressure of having to answer . It was all so intense and a huge whirlwind of feelings and emotion ; the thought of explaining it is suddenly very daunting . [I]238-ava do n’t know where to start , [Ava]238-ava , ”[238-ava] [I]0-i admit as [she]238-ava joins [me]0-i at [the island]2099-the island . [I]238-ava ’m worried [I]238-ava wo n’t do [our]2384-our story justice . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava breathes in a little , thinking , as [her]238-ava gaze flits across [my]0-i face . “ Then show [me]238-ava . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i laugh under [my]0-i breath , but it ’s nervous . [I]0-i ’m not sure [you]0-i ’re ready for that . ”[0-i] [I]0-i do n’t want to freak [her]238-ava out when [she]238-ava ’s in such a mind - warp . This is n’t like when [we]660-we met . [I]0-i ca n’t go steamrolling in like [I]0-i did back then . [She]238-ava ’s delicate now . [Fragile]93-fragile . [I]0-i feel like everything is hanging on [my]0-i approach to this mess . “ Ready for what ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i clench [my]0-i eyes closed , swallowing . [My]0-i ways . ”[0-i] [Your]0-i ways ? ”[0-i] “ Yes , [my]0-i ways . ”[0-i] [I]0-i open [my]0-i eyes and find [hers]238-ava . The mystification staring back at [me]0-i only amplifies [my]0-i worry . [She]238-ava does n’t know what to make of that . Or of [me]0-i . “ That ’s what [you]0-i call it , ”[238-ava] [I]0-i tell [her]238-ava . [My]0-i ways . ”[0-i] [I]0-i go on when [she]238-ava cocks a questioning head . [I]0-i ’m unreasonable . ”[0-i] [I]0-i shrug . “ Apparently . ”[0-i] A deep breath helps [me]0-i to go on . [A control freak]2385-a control freak . ”[0-i] Another lame shrug . “ Apparently . ”[0-i] This is hard already , and [I]0-i ’ve not even skimmed the fucking surface . [I]0-i ’m possessive and controlling and … ”[0-i] [I]0-i press [my]0-i lips together when [her]238-ava eyes widen a little . “ Apparently , ”[0-i] [I]0-i add quietly . [You]0-i just said apparently an awful lot . ”[0-i] “ Apparently , ”[0-i] [I]0-i mumble , looking away from [her]238-ava , struggling to express what [she]238-ava needs to know . “ For fuck ’s sake , ”[0-i] [I]0-i breathe , frustrated . [You]0-i swear a lot , too . ”[0-i] [I]0-i shoot [my]0-i eyes to [hers]238-ava , finding a rather disapproving look . [I]0-i could laugh , but [I]0-i cough instead . “ And [you]0-i do n’t , for the record . Hardly ever , in fact . ”[0-i] [I]0-i refuse to feel guilty for telling [her]238-ava a barefaced lie . This could be the end of [her]238-ava potty mouth . [I]0-i do n’t ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i shake [my]0-i head . “ Never . ”[0-i] “ Oh . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava falls into thought again for a few moments , swallowing repeatedly until [she]238-ava takes in so much air , [I]0-i ’m worried about what might come from [her]238-ava mouth that requires so much preparation . [I]238-ava am ready , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava declares . [I]0-i ’m lost . “ Ready for what ? ”[238-ava] “ For [you]0-i to show [me]238-ava . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava bites down on [her]238-ava lip a little , gazing at [me]0-i as [I]0-i try to comprehend what [she]238-ava ’s asking [me]0-i to do . [I]0-i ’m not sure , [Ava]238-ava . ”[0-i] [I]238-ava am sure . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava approaches [me]0-i and lays [her]238-ava hands on [my]0-i chest , forcing [me]0-i to breathe deeply through the contact . [I]238-ava have a huge , gaping hole in [my]238-ava head . It ’s where [you]2386-you and [the children]2217-the children should be , and it ’s truly killing [me]238-ava that [you]2386-you ’re not there . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava shoves [me]0-i a little , bringing [her]238-ava face close to [mine]0-i . [You]2386-you ’re here , in [my]238-ava life , but [you]2386-you ’re not up here . ”[238-ava] Releasing one hand , [she]238-ava taps the side of [her]238-ava temple softly , though [she]238-ava still winces a little . [Her]238-ava move is a reminder to [both of [us]461-both of us]461-both of us that [she]238-ava needs to take it easy . [Her]238-ava visible wounds have n’t healed yet , either . “ And [I]238-ava just know that [you]2386-you should be . Seeing those photographs has only made that instinct stronger . ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava voice cracks again , and [I]0-i quickly take [her]238-ava hand back down from [her]238-ava head , holding it firmly in [my]0-i grasp . [I]238-ava need [you]2386-you to do whatever it takes . ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava fierce determination through [her]238-ava broken words staggers [me]0-i . Then [I]0-i remember who [I]0-i ’m faced with . [I]0-i might be [a stranger to [her]238-ava]52-her friend , but this is still [[my]0-i wife]238-ava . [The strongest woman [I]0-i ’ve ever met]238-ava . [She]238-ava has to be , or [I]0-i would n’t be in [her]238-ava life , or [she]238-ava in [mine]0-i . [She]238-ava tackled [me]0-i before , took everything [I]0-i had to throw at [her]238-ava . “ Whatever it takes ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i counter , just to hear [her]238-ava say it again . Just so [I]0-i know [we]663-we ’re on the same page . “ Whatever it takes , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava confirms , nodding at the same time . [She]238-ava ’s giving [me]0-i permission . Telling [me]0-i it ’s okay to be … all of [me]0-i ? “ No pressure , then ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i quip , wondering where to start . The answer comes to [me]0-i quickly . “ Go take a shower . [We]663-we ’re going on a little trip . ”[0-i] * * * As [I]0-i look up at [the imposing building]664-the building , [I]0-i conclude that this is just as weird for [me]0-i as it must be for [Ava]238-ava . [The Manor]2265-the place is still [The Manor]7-the manor , except now it ’s [The Manor Golf Resort and Spa]8-the manor golf resort and spa . [The grounds]666-the grounds are as spotless as [they]666-the grounds were when [I]0-i sold [the place]2265-the place , and [the building]664-the building as impressive . [We]2388-we met playing golf ? ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava asks , a little laughter in [her]238-ava tone . “ How romantic . ”[238-ava] “ There was n’t much romantic about [our]2388-we first encounter , [baby]194-kate , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say , guiding [her]238-ava up the steps to the open doors , checking for [her]238-ava limp . It ’s there , if mild . “ There was n’t ? ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava sounds so disappointed , [her]238-ava head dropped far back , taking in the extraordinary structure . [You]194-kate know , this could be [your]194-kate perfect opportunity to change that . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i skid to a stop , looking down at [her]238-ava , a little stunned . [She]238-ava remains quiet while [I]0-i fish for a response to that . [I]0-i have nothing , so [I]0-i pull [her]238-ava on , [my]0-i mind spinning into overdrive . Not about [her]238-ava hinting that maybe [I]0-i should be romantic , but because [she]238-ava ’s shown a suggestive side , and [I]0-i like it a lot . [I]0-i should n’t , however , take that subtle hint as a green light to ravage [her]238-ava . Not just yet , anyway . “ This way . ”[0-i] [I]0-i lead [her]238-ava into [the bar]667-the bar , pick [her]238-ava up , and place [her]238-ava on a stool , trying to ignore the fact that despite the exterior of [The Manor]190-the manor remaining the same , the interior has changed dramatically . It looks utterly shit . [I]0-i gaze around , caught between resentment and reminiscence . The general layout is the same , though the décor is very different . “ Why are [you]2390-you scowling ? ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava asks . This will probably do nothing to help [her]238-ava remember . How could it when [I]0-i barely recognize it [myself]0-i ? “ It just is n’t how [I]0-i remember , ”[0-i] [I]0-i tell [her]238-ava , pointing to [the barman]669-the barman , who ’s kitted out in some green penguin suit that matches the rest of the décor . [Mario]94-mario looked much better . ”[0-i] “ Who ’s [Mario]94-mario ? ”[0-i] [[My]0-i head barman]669-the barman . ”[0-i] [[Your]0-i head barman]669-the barman ? ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava blurts . “ Oh yeah . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i look down at [her]238-ava , smiling nervously . [I]0-i used to own [this place]2391-this place . ”[0-i] [You]0-i owned [a golf resort]2392-a golf resort ? ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava mouth hangs open as [she]238-ava takes a look around [her]238-ava . [The house]2391-this place , [[your]0-i flash Aston]2393-your flash aston , [this place]2391-this place . Are [we]671-we rich ? ”[238-ava] [We]671-we ’re comfortable , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say nonchalantly , hoping that is the end of that , for now , at least . The complexity of [The Manor]190-the manor and how [I]0-i came to own it is n’t top of [my]0-i priority list of things to tell [her]238-ava . It ’s [us]671-we that ’s important . [I]0-i order two waters and quietly ask [the barman]669-the barman if [I]0-i can speak to [the manager]669-the barman . “ Why did [you]669-the barman sell it ? ”[0-i] “ It was n’t [a golf resort]2392-a golf resort when [I]0-i owned it , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say , fully aware that [I]0-i ’ve just opened the floodgates to an inquisition . [I]0-i take the glass and pass it to [her]238-ava , waiting for the inevitable . “ Then what was it ? ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava takes a small sip , looking at [me]0-i , waiting for an answer . [I]0-i stall , avoiding [her]238-ava gaze , like [she]238-ava might find the answer in [my]0-i eyes . “ Oh , look , a lovely painting of [St. Andrews]9-st. andrews . ”[0-i] [I]0-i point [my]0-i glass to a wall on the other side of [the bar]667-the bar , where tasteful art used to hang . [She]238-ava looks over [her]238-ava shoulder briefly , clearly not in the least bit interested . “ What was this place when [you]2395-you owned it ? ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava repeats , leveling an expectant look on [me]0-i . This simple question has made [me]0-i realize just how much there is for [her]238-ava to remember . Fucking hell , this is getting more daunting by the minute . [My]0-i arse drops to the seat of the stool next to [Ava]238-ava , and [I]0-i sigh , long and defeated . “ A sex club , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say quietly , not that there ’s [anyone around to overhear]674-anyone around to overhear . “ Pardon ? ”[0-i] [She]238-ava coughs , [her]238-ava glass of water landing on [the bar]667-the bar . “ It was an exclusive sex club for the rich and beautiful . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i rest an elbow on the bar , propping [my]0-i head in [my]0-i hand . [Her]238-ava lovely mouth is hanging open again . And [I]0-i ’m inwardly laughing . [She]238-ava ’s heard nothing yet , and for the first time , [I]0-i wonder if there are certain things that [I]0-i should hold back forever . Things that nearly broke [us]675-our . Things that [I]0-i would love to have wiped from [her]238-ava memory even before the accident . But that would n’t be fair . [Our]675-our story is [our]675-our story , after all , and [I]0-i have to have faith that [she]238-ava got past it back then , so [she]238-ava can get past it again . “ Wait . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava retreats on [her]238-ava seat . [You]238-ava said [we]675-our met here . ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava finger comes up and swirls the air around [her]238-ava head , comprehension beginning to dawn . The fear of [her]238-ava thoughts is endearing . “ Tell [me]238-ava [I]238-ava did n’t … ”[238-ava] [You]238-ava did n’t , ”[0-i] [I]0-i assure [her]238-ava on a small smile . “ Oh , thank God , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava breathes , [her]238-ava hand coming up to [her]238-ava chest . “ Finding out [I]238-ava ’m married with [kids]2298-kids is enough to wrap [my]238-ava brain around , without the added knowledge that [I]238-ava was [a kinky bitch]238-ava . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i laugh at [her]238-ava evident relief . “ Oh , [you]238-ava ’re kinky , [lady]238-ava . And in a whole league of [your]238-ava own . ”[0-i] “ What do [you]238-ava mean ? ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava cheeks flush . [I]0-i have n’t seen embarrassment on [[my]0-i wife]238-ava for years . It still looks good on [her]238-ava . [I]0-i relish in the sight , leaning in toward [her]238-ava to get close . [You]238-ava ’re a teasing temptress , [baby]238-ava . A savage when [you]238-ava want to be . ”[0-i] [A savage]2397-a savage ? ”[0-i] “ Biting . Clawing . ”[0-i] [I]0-i smile a little at [her]238-ava growing shock . “ Screaming , really loud . [We]2398-we ’re fucking perfect together . ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava blush gets even brighter , [her]238-ava eyes darting away from [mine]0-i . “ Oh . ”[0-i] [I]0-i chuckle at [her]238-ava prudishness . “ Well , this is a strange sight . ”[0-i] “ What is ? ”[238-ava] [[My]0-i wife]238-ava being all shy and reserved . ”[0-i] “ Well , it ’s not every day [you]238-ava find out [[your]238-ava husband]238-ava owned [a glamorous sex club]2399-a glamorous sex club . ”[0-i] “ It ’s not every day [[your]238-ava wife]238-ava forgets who [you]238-ava are , ”[0-i] [I]0-i reply , with no hurt or harshness behind [my]0-i words . It ’s just a factual statement . [We]2400-our ’re both out of [our]2400-our comfort zone here , [Ava]238-ava . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava looks at [me]0-i in quiet contemplation . “ Why do [I]238-ava get the feeling that [I]238-ava ’m about to experience something incredible ? ”[238-ava] [I]0-i smile and take [her]238-ava hand , helping [her]238-ava down from the stool . “ Because [you]2401-you are . Because [our]2400-our story is truly incredible . Come on . ”[0-i] [I]0-i find [the manager]672-the manager and have a quiet word while [Ava]238-ava stands in [the entrance hall]549-the entrance hall , staring up [the sweeping staircase]678-the sweeping staircase to the balcony landing . Just watching [her]238-ava there , taking everything in , looking so out of place , brings back so many memories . It ’s sweetly reminiscent , if a little painful . The sight is beautiful , but the feelings are ugly . [I]0-i do n’t have the all - consuming intrigue and awe swirling within [me]0-i like [I]0-i did back then . [I]0-i have anxiety instead . [I]0-i join [Ava]238-ava and stare up to the first floor , too . The doors off [the landing]679-the landing are all closed — doors to [[guests]680-guests[hotel rooms]682-hotel rooms]681-guests ’ hotel rooms , as opposed to [doors that lead to hours of pleasure]683-doors that lead to hours of pleasure . “ This way , ”[238-ava] [I]0-i whisper in [her]238-ava ear , making [her]238-ava jump a little . [I]0-i hold [my]0-i hand out and smile when [she]238-ava takes it , walking [us]684-us leisurely though what was [The Manor]190-the manor . When [we]684-us hit [the ballroom]2391-this place , which is now a huge restaurant with [a terrace onto [the golf course]688-the golf course]687-a terrace onto the golf course , [I]0-i look back , trying not to hope too much that any of this is familiar to [her]238-ava . It ’s a long shot , since it ’s so very different from how [I]0-i remember it . [Our]684-us wedding breakfast was in [this room]2391-this place , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say over [my]0-i shoulder , leading [her]238-ava through the scattering of tables . “ Please tell [me]0-i [you]0-i sold [this place]2391-this place before [we]689-we got married . ”[0-i] [I]0-i ca n’t . ”[0-i] [I]0-i return [my]0-i attention forward , smiling when [she]238-ava sighs . [My]0-i smile stretches when [I]0-i spot an elaborate spray of flowers in a huge glass vase with bursts of every color imaginable . [I]0-i divert [us]689-we to the table where it stands and scan the bouquet , spotting what [I]0-i ’m looking for . There ’s only one . But it does n’t matter . [I]0-i only need one . [I]0-i pluck the calla from the middle and turn , handing it to [Ava]238-ava . [She]238-ava ’s unsure as [she]238-ava reaches for it , eyes flicking from [me]0-i to the flower . “ It ’s beautiful . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i smile mildly and pull [her]238-ava on . “ Understated elegance , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say over [my]0-i shoulder , relishing the beam [she]238-ava gives [me]0-i in return . [They]2402-they ’re [your]2402-they favorite flowers . ”[238-ava] “ Since when ? ”[238-ava] “ Since the day [you]2402-they met [me]0-i , ”[0-i] [I]0-i tell [her]238-ava as [we]689-we approach [my]0-i office door , thinking [I]0-i was quite romantic back then after all . [I]0-i look up at the solid wooden door , [my]0-i mind bombarded with so many memories , the most poignant and important being the first time that [Ava O’Shea]238-ava wandered in . [I]0-i remember it like it could have been yesterday . [I]0-i was hungover . [Grumpy]95-grumpy . Wishing [I]0-i did n’t have to endure the mundane meeting with [an interior designer]690-an interior designer . Then [John]60-jacob showed [her]238-ava in , and all headaches and irritability were forgotten . Instant intrigue , desire , and want replaced [them]691-them . “ Wait here , ”[0-i] [I]0-i order lightly , dropping [her]238-ava hand and opening the door , stepping into the vortex of memories . [Her]238-ava head cranes around [me]0-i , trying to see into [the office]634-my office . “ Wait ? ”[238-ava] [I]238-ava want [you]238-ava to wait one minute and then knock on the door . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava laughs a little . “ Why ? ”[238-ava] “ Because that ’s how it was when [we]2403-we met . ”[0-i] [I]0-i shut the door and spin around , taking in [[my]0-i office]634-my office . “ Really ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i ask thin air . What the fuck have [they]691-them done to it ? [I]0-i rush across to the corner and drag the desk to where it should be . [I]0-i have n’t got time to rearrange the entire space to replicate what it was all those years ago , so this will have to do . [I]0-i hear a knock and fall into the chair , quickly rolling up the sleeves of [my]0-i shirt and roughing up [my]0-i hair a little . “ Come in , ”[0-i] [I]0-i call , grabbing a pen and jotting something down on a pad to the side . The sound of the door opening fills [the office]634-my office , and [I]0-i look up to find [she]238-ava ’s poked [her]238-ava head around the door . [I]238-ava do n’t even know why [I]238-ava ’m here , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava says on a shrug , making [me]0-i sag in the uncomfortable office chair . “ Just come in . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i flap an impatient hand , beckoning [her]238-ava . [She]238-ava shuts the door and stands across [the office]634-my office , looking around , a bit bewildered . “ Nice . ”[238-ava] “ It was better when it was [[my]0-i office]634-my office , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say , following [her]238-ava lead and taking the space in . [I]0-i sniff [my]0-i disgust and find [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie again . [She]26-maddie ’s the only thing that looks right in here , even if [she]26-maddie ’s staring at [me]0-i a little blankly , [her]26-maddie face asking [me]0-i what next ? [Her]26-maddie dark hair , currently piled high in a messy knot , is n’t as glossy , and [her]26-maddie eyes are n’t as shiny . But [she]26-maddie still takes [my]0-i breath away . [I]0-i get up from the chair and slowly round the desk , dragging [my]0-i fingers across the wood . Then [I]0-i rest [my]0-i arse on the edge , crossing [my]0-i legs at the ankles and [my]0-i arms over [my]0-i chest . [Her]26-maddie eyes fall to [my]0-i torso , and [I]0-i smile to [myself]0-i . “ What do [you]0-i see ? ”[26-maddie] [I]0-i ask , prompting [her]26-maddie to look up through [her]26-maddie lashes at [me]0-i . “ What do [you]0-i mean ? ”[0-i] “ Here . ”[0-i] [I]0-i indicate down [my]0-i tall frame , eyebrows raised in question . “ What do [you]0-i see ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i see [you]0-i . ”[0-i] “ Play the game , [Ava]238-ava , ”[0-i] [I]0-i warn — low and husky , instantly making [her]26-maddie shift on [her]26-maddie feet . That ’s more like it . [She]26-maddie ’s fidgeting . Good . Let ’s get this fucking show on [the road]2159-the road . [She]26-maddie breathes in , long and deep . [She]26-maddie ’s finding the courage to say what [she]26-maddie wants to say , and [I]0-i silently will [her]26-maddie on . [I]26-maddie see dirty blond hair , ”[26-maddie] [she]26-maddie begins , clearing [her]26-maddie throat in order to continue , as if the silly act will wipe [her]26-maddie voice of the lust that ’s growing . “ Green eyes . ”[26-maddie] “ And ? ”[26-maddie] “ And a body to die for . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie smiles shyly on a little shrug of one shoulder , color creeping into [her]26-maddie cheeks again . “ Which [I]0-i ’m guessing [you]0-i must work hard for , given [your]0-i age . ”[0-i] [I]0-i just manage to keep [my]0-i eyebrows from jumping up in surprise . [I]0-i do n’t work that hard , ”[0-i] [I]0-i clarify , thinking now would usually be a perfect time to start the countdown and warn [her]26-maddie to take that back . But not now . “ And [you]0-i do n’t know how old [I]0-i am , ”[0-i] [I]0-i point out . “ How old are [you]0-i ? ”[0-i] “ Twenty - three . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie laughs lightly , looking away . [She]26-maddie ’s struggling to keep [our]695-our eye contact , and [I]0-i just know it ’s because [she]26-maddie ’s finding it too intense to deal with . This is good . [You]0-i think [I]0-i ’m handsome . ”[0-i] [I]0-i pose it as a statement , because [I]0-i know it to be true . [She]26-maddie might have lost [her]26-maddie memory , but [she]26-maddie ca n’t have lost [her]26-maddie taste in [men]696-men . [I]0-i ’m [her]26-maddie taste . [Me]0-i . Only [me]0-i . “ Devastatingly , ”[26-maddie] [she]26-maddie confesses , with no hesitance or shame , finding the strength [she]26-maddie needs to lock eyes with [me]0-i . “ Then [we]2404-we ’re off to a good start . ”[0-i] [I]0-i half smile , and so does [she]26-maddie , more shifting of [her]26-maddie feet happening . [You]26-maddie ’re also cocky . ”[26-maddie] [You]26-maddie love [my]0-i cockiness . ”[0-i] [I]0-i avoid telling [her]26-maddie that [she]26-maddie also loves [my]0-i cock . It ’s too soon . Or is it ? Then [her]26-maddie eyes drop to [my]0-i groin , as if [she]26-maddie ’s read [my]0-i mind , and [my]0-i cock — the one [she]26-maddie loves — shouts from behind [my]0-i fly . [I]0-i talk it down urgently . It ’s definitely too soon for that . [I]0-i do n’t think [her]26-maddie mind would cope , and especially not [her]26-maddie healing body . As [I]0-i take measured steps toward [her]26-maddie , [her]26-maddie breathing gets more labored until [she]26-maddie eventually gives up altogether and holds [her]26-maddie breath . [I]0-i reach [her]26-maddie and dip , kissing [her]26-maddie cheek lightly . “ It ’s a pleasure , ”[0-i] [I]0-i whisper , smiling when [she]26-maddie shudders from top to toe before snapping out of [her]26-maddie trance and moving back . [You]2405-you had the very same reaction the first time [we]2406-we met . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie puffs out a shot of disbelieving laughter , looking away , as if embarrassed by [her]26-maddie reactions to [me]0-i . [You]2405-you … um … yes … ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie shakes [herself]26-maddie , and then winces , reaching up to [her]26-maddie head and clenching the side . [You]2405-you certainly have a presence , ”[26-maddie] [she]26-maddie finishes on a face screwed up in discomfort . [My]0-i guilt is instant . “ This was too much too soon . ”[0-i] [I]0-i move in and pick [her]26-maddie up , and [she]26-maddie lets [me]0-i , welcoming [my]0-i offer of support . [I]26-maddie have legs , [you]2405-you know , ”[26-maddie] [she]26-maddie says , settling [her]26-maddie head on [my]0-i shoulder . “ Yeah , yeah , [you]2405-you tell [me]26-maddie most days . ”[26-maddie] In one swift but careful move , [I]0-i maneuver [her]26-maddie body , guiding [her]26-maddie legs to around [my]0-i waist . “ And this is more like it . ”[0-i] [Our]697-our faces are suddenly close again , [her]26-maddie unsure eyes on [mine]0-i . [You]2405-you call it [our]697-our baby chimp cuddle , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say quietly . [She]26-maddie smiles faintly , scanning [my]0-i face , as if [she]26-maddie ca n’t get enough of it . [I]26-maddie ’m guessing [you]2405-you did n’t actually sweep [me]26-maddie off [my]26-maddie feet the first time [we]697-our met , so what happened after [you]2405-you had [me]26-maddie coming over all hot and bothered ? ”[26-maddie] [You]2405-you ran . ”[26-maddie] [I]26-maddie ran ? ”[26-maddie] “ Yes , [you]2405-you virtually threw [yourself]2405-you down [the stairs]244-the stairs to escape [me]26-maddie . Well , after [I]26-maddie ’d shown [you]2405-you the extension and told [you]2405-you [I]26-maddie liked [your]2405-you dress . ”[26-maddie] “ The extension ? [You]2405-you ’ve lost [me]26-maddie . ”[26-maddie] [I]26-maddie hired [you]2405-you to design [the new rooms [I]26-maddie had built [here]2274-here]2274-here . ”[26-maddie] Realization floods [her]26-maddie eyes , as well as a little happiness . Something has just clicked for [her]26-maddie . “ So that ’s why [I]0-i was at [a posh sex club]2409-a posh sex club ! ”[0-i] [I]0-i nod and move over to a black leather couch , lowering and keeping [Ava]238-ava on [my]0-i lap . “ Tell [me]0-i [your]2405-you last memory . What ’s the most recent thing [you]2405-you remember , [Ava]238-ava ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i take [her]26-maddie hands and hold them on [my]0-i chest , watching as [she]26-maddie falls into thought , [her]26-maddie forehead creasing in concentration . [I]0-i wait patiently for [her]26-maddie to try to find what [she]26-maddie ’s looking for , soundlessly willing [her]26-maddie on . [I]26-maddie was working for [a company called [Rococo Union]10-rococo union]2410-a company called rococo union . ”[26-maddie] [Her]26-maddie lips twist as [she]26-maddie looks up at [me]0-i . “ There was [a man [I]26-maddie was seeing]2411-a man i was seeing . But it was n’t [you]2411-a man i was seeing . ”[26-maddie] [I]0-i feel like a knife just plunged into [my]0-i fucking heart , and though [I]0-i fight not to show it , [I]0-i know [my]0-i nostrils are flaring dangerously . “ Is that it ? There ’s nothing else ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i try not to sound too hopeful . It ’s hard when [I]0-i ’ve never hoped for anything more . Just a little something for [me]0-i to work on . “ Anything ? ”[26-maddie] [Her]26-maddie blank expression , the fact that [she]26-maddie ’s stalling [her]26-maddie answer , tells [me]0-i [she]26-maddie does n’t . [I]26-maddie ’m sorry . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie looks away , probably to avoid the disappointment on [my]0-i face . [Her]26-maddie despondency kills [me]0-i . [I]0-i pull [her]26-maddie forward , wrapping [my]0-i arms around [her]26-maddie shoulders . “ It ’s fine . ”[0-i] “ Take [me]26-maddie [home]201-home . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie snuggles into [me]0-i , and [I]0-i feel [her]26-maddie tears soaking through [my]0-i shirt . “ Please . ”[0-i] [I]0-i ’m up from the couch quickly , carrying [her]26-maddie out , trying not to let [myself]0-i feel defeated . It ’s still early days , and [she]26-maddie ’s heard only a morsel of [our]699-our tale . Yet [she]26-maddie ’s exhausted by it already . But [I]0-i wo n’t quit . It is n’t in [my]0-i DNA , especially when it comes to [this woman]26-maddie . Chapter 18 [I]0-i let [us]699-our into [[our]699-our home]543-our home and toss [my]0-i car keys on the table in [the hallway]701-the hallway . [Ava]238-ava has been so quiet since [we]699-our left [The Manor]190-the manor , so thoughtful and pensive . And [I]0-i just know that [she]26-maddie ’s trying to wrap [her]26-maddie mind around the fact that [[her]26-maddie husband]26-maddie once owned [an exclusive sex club]704-an exclusive sex club . [I]0-i feel like [my]0-i past — the secrets , the hard truths — is all rushing forward and drowning [me]0-i again , albeit in an entirely different way . [I]0-i ’ve never felt so fucking helpless . “ Tell [me]26-maddie about [our]706-our first date , ”[26-maddie] [she]26-maddie says as [she]26-maddie settles at [the island]2099-the island and [I]0-i get [us]706-our some water from the fridge . [Our]706-our first date ? [Christ]26-maddie , [I]0-i just know [she]26-maddie ’s imagining something romantic like [women]707-women do . All flowers and feelings and smiles . There was all of that , just not in the way [she]26-maddie ’s probably expecting . “ It ’s a little … unique . ”[0-i] [I]0-i take some water and shut the door , risking a peek over [my]0-i shoulder . “ Unique ? ”[0-i] “ Not much about [our]706-our relationship is conventional . Never has been . ”[0-i] [I]0-i nibble on [my]0-i bottom lip , wondering where to start . [We]706-our should go into [the lounge]708-the lounge where it ’s more comfortable . ”[0-i] [I]0-i hand [her]26-maddie the water and pick [her]26-maddie up without thought , carrying [her]26-maddie to the crushed velvet couch by the fire in [the lounge]708-the lounge . [She]26-maddie does n’t say a word , but [I]0-i can practically see [her]26-maddie thoughts churning . It ’s slowly driving [me]0-i mad , constantly trying to guess what ’s going through [her]26-maddie mind . [I]0-i ca n’t go on like this . “ What are [you]2413-you thinking ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i ask , setting [her]26-maddie down on the sofa and joining [her]26-maddie . Pulling [her]26-maddie feet up onto the couch on a little grimace of pain , prompting [me]0-i to help lift [her]26-maddie injured leg , [she]26-maddie looks around the grandeur of [[our]709-our lounge]708-the lounge . [I]26-maddie ’m thinking [this room]686-this room has [my]26-maddie name written all over it . ”[26-maddie] [I]0-i know that ’s not what [she]26-maddie was really thinking , but [I]0-i humor [her]26-maddie , also taking in the gold and crimson décor . It ’s [[my]0-i favorite room in [the house]2056-the house]686-this room , for that very reason . It is [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie through and through . [You]26-maddie were never one hundred percent happy with it . ”[26-maddie] [I]0-i do n’t know why . To [me]0-i , it ’s perfect . But [Ava]238-ava always said there was something missing , and for the life of [her]238-ava [she]238-ava could n’t put [her]238-ava finger on it . “ The curtains need something on the header , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava says out of the blue . [I]0-i shoot [her]238-ava a look , finding [her]238-ava staring at the drapes . “ Like what ? ”[0-i] “ Some decoration on the pencil pleats . A crystal here or there , maybe . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava shakes [her]238-ava head and returns [her]238-ava attention to [me]0-i . “ What are [you]0-i smiling at ? ”[238-ava] “ Nothing . ”[0-i] [I]0-i kick [my]0-i feet up on the coffee table and relax back as best [I]0-i can with [her]238-ava not in [my]0-i arms anymore . [I]0-i just want to yank [her]238-ava close . All this gently - gently is weird . Fucking painful . “ So , [our]2414-our first date ? ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava asks , pulling [me]0-i out of [my]0-i funk , [my]0-i head dropping to the side to find [her]238-ava . “ It depends what [you]0-i call a first date . ”[238-ava] “ Oh God , was [I]0-i easy ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i bark out a bout of laughter . Easy ? [I]0-i fucking wish . “ Far from it . And it drove [me]0-i wild . ”[0-i] “ But [I]238-ava went on a date with [you]0-i ? ”[238-ava] [We]2414-our ’d had sex a fair few times by the time [I]0-i actually took [you]0-i out for dinner . ”[0-i] [I]238-ava was easy . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava grimaces , as if disappointed with [herself]238-ava . [She]238-ava should n’t be . If anything , it was [me]0-i who was disappointed that it took so long for [her]238-ava to finally give in to the pull that was driving [us]712-we both to distraction . [I]238-ava should n’t be surprised since [I]238-ava know how quickly [I]238-ava fell pregnant . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava shakes [her]238-ava head in dismay , and [I]0-i keep [my]0-i mouth firmly zipped closed . “ But part of [me]238-ava was hoping [you]0-i ’d tell [me]238-ava [we]712-we met , sparks flew , [you]0-i asked [me]238-ava out , [we]712-we dated for a time , [we]712-we eventually fell into bed and made romantic love , and then when the time was right , [you]0-i proposed . And [we]712-we lived happily ever after . ”[238-ava] It ’s as [I]0-i thought . All sweet and light in that mind of [hers]238-ava . Idyllic fairy tales . Fucking hell , [she]238-ava ’s so far off the mark , [she]238-ava may as well be on [another planet]713-another planet . “ Not quite like that . ”[238-ava] “ Then like what ? ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava ’s hungry for information , keen to learn . [I]0-i ’m not sure [I]0-i ’m very keen to tell . “ Well , when [you]0-i refused to entertain [my]0-i … ”[0-i] [I]0-i pause , wondering how best to position it . “ Advances . ”[0-i] That ’s diplomatic enough . [I]0-i had to get creative . ”[0-i] [I]238-ava refused ? ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava eyes take a little trip down [my]0-i reclined body , clearly wondering why [she]238-ava turned [me]0-i down . It plants another seed of hope that [I]0-i pray wo n’t be killed off before it has a chance to grow into something beautiful . “ Yes , and it ’s a question [I]0-i asked [myself]0-i many times , too . ”[0-i] [I]0-i smile when [she]238-ava finds it in [herself]238-ava to rip [her]238-ava stare away from [my]0-i chest . [You]238-ava ’re stubborn . Always have been , always will be . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava sniffs though does n’t argue , pressing on with [her]238-ava thirst for information . “ Creative how ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i open [my]0-i mouth to tell [her]238-ava exactly how , and then think better of it . This needs careful approaching . [You]238-ava refused to come back to [The Manor]190-the manor to fulfill [your]238-ava designs , and [I]0-i knew it was because [you]238-ava were wary of [me]0-i , of the feelings [you]238-ava had . It was most frustrating . ”[0-i] [I]0-i half scowl at [her]238-ava , and [she]238-ava half smiles in return . “ So [I]238-ava promised [I]238-ava ’d stay out of [your]238-ava way if [you]238-ava came back and finished the job . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i can see [her]238-ava trying to cast [her]238-ava mind back . “ But [I]238-ava did n’t . ”[238-ava] “ Stay out of [my]0-i way ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i nod . “ Staying away from [you]238-ava proved very … tricky . ”[0-i] [You]238-ava must have had a real crush . ”[238-ava] “ A crush ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i laugh . “ An obsession would be more apt . [You]238-ava blew [me]0-i back , with [your]238-ava beauty , [your]238-ava voice , [your]238-ava passion for [your]238-ava job . For the first time in years , [I]0-i felt alive . ”[0-i] “ Years ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i knew [we]714-we ’d have to go over this , but … [God]373-god , it ’s not something [I]0-i relish the thought of . [I]0-i was a bit of … ”[0-i] [I]0-i fade off , thinking how to make it sound less sordid . [A playboy]2416-a playboy . ”[0-i] “ Well , that ’s not a surprise , since [you]238-ava owned [a sex club]2417-a sex club . ”[715-she] [She]715-she ’s taking it rather well . It ’s a stark contrast to the reaction back in the day . If only [she]715-she ’d been this willing to listen and accept back then , when [she]715-she discovered [the communal room]716-the communal room . [I]0-i shudder , remembering the train wreck that ensued . “ So [you]238-ava used to screw around ? ”[715-she] [she]715-she asks . “ Something like that . ”[715-she] “ But [you]238-ava stopped when [you]238-ava met [me]715-she ? ”[715-she] [I]0-i stopped , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say , hating [myself]0-i for bending the truth . Positively hating [myself]0-i . [I]0-i ’m being selective with what [I]0-i tell [her]715-she , and [I]0-i know in [my]0-i heart of hearts that it is n’t fair . “ Why do n’t [I]715-she believe [you]238-ava ? ”[715-she] [She]715-she tilts [her]715-she head , scanning [my]0-i worried face . [You]238-ava ’re lying to [me]715-she , are n’t [you]238-ava ? ”[715-she] [I]0-i close [my]0-i eyes , stress creeping up on [me]0-i , and swallow down [my]0-i fear . [I]0-i ca n’t even appreciate the fact that [she]715-she ’s reading [me]0-i like a book , like [she]715-she knows [me]0-i inside out . “ There was this one incident . ”[715-she] [You]238-ava cheated on [me]715-she ? ”[715-she] [She]715-she ’s up off the couch quickly , glaring down at [me]0-i through the discomfort [her]715-she sharp move has spiked . [I]0-i ’m about to be trampled , [Ava]238-ava - style . “ Not exactly . ”[715-she] [I]0-i grab [her]715-she hand and encourage [her]715-she back down , not releasing [her]715-she when [she]715-she fights to regain possession of [her]715-she limb . [We]2418-we were n’t really … ”[715-she] Fuck , how can [I]0-i put it ? “ Exclusively dating . ”[715-she] “ But [we]2418-we were seeing [each other]2249-each other ? ”[715-she] [I]715-she guess so . If that ’s what [you]715-she want to call it . ”[715-she] “ Well , [I]715-she do n’t know , [Jesse]454-jesse . ”[715-she] [She]715-she ’s getting more and more irate , and [I]0-i have no idea how to handle it . Usually [I]0-i ’d pounce right back at [her]715-she . [We]717-we ’d spar with words , and then [we]717-we ’d make [friends]2054-friends in [the bedroom]302-the bedroom . “ Because [I]715-she ca n’t fucking remember , can [I]715-she ? ”[715-she] [she]715-she seethes . “ Watch [your]715-she fucking mouth ! ”[715-she] [She]715-she recoils , disgust invading [her]715-she face . “ Excuse [me]715-she ? ”[715-she] [I]715-she do n’t like it when [you]715-she swear . ”[715-she] “ Well , [I]373-god do n’t like finding out that [[my]373-god husband]454-jesse has cheated on [me]373-god . ”[373-god] [Motherfucking God]373-god ! [I]0-i release [my]0-i hold of [her]715-she and sink [my]0-i head into [my]0-i palms , searching for some calm . [I]0-i never dreamed [we]720-we ’d be going over this again . [Ava]238-ava , [I]0-i got [myself]0-i in a bit of a state over what [I]0-i felt for [you]238-ava . It was n’t healthy , the intense feelings so soon . So [I]0-i walked away from [you]238-ava . [I]0-i drank , a lot , and [I]0-i screwed [two women]2421-two women . And [I]0-i did n’t even finish , because all [I]0-i could see was [you]238-ava . [I]0-i spent two fucking days locked in [[my]0-i office]634-my office wondering what the hell to do . Because [you]238-ava did n’t know about [The Manor]190-the manor . [You]238-ava did n’t know about [my]0-i history . [You]238-ava knew nothing , and [I]0-i did n’t have a clue how to tell [you]238-ava . ”[0-i] This is fucking knackering [me]0-i out . All of it . “ So [I]0-i threw all of [my]0-i energy into making [you]238-ava fall in love with [me]0-i in the hopes that [you]238-ava would accept it all when [I]0-i found the courage to tell [you]238-ava . And [you]238-ava did , [Ava]238-ava . ”[0-i] [I]0-i grab [her]0-i hand , ignoring [her]0-i startled expression and soldiering on . [You]238-ava accepted [me]0-i because [you]238-ava were as hopelessly in love with [me]0-i as [I]0-i was with [you]238-ava . [You]238-ava could n’t be without [me]0-i , either . [You]238-ava let [me]0-i take the lead and [you]238-ava followed willingly . [You]238-ava let [me]0-i lavish [you]238-ava with the attention and suffocation , because [you]238-ava knew it ’s what [I]0-i needed . [You]238-ava learned how to deal with [me]0-i , [Ava]238-ava , and [you]238-ava are [the only person in [this world who can]2424-this world who can]238-ava . ”[0-i] [My]0-i voice cracks . “ And now [I]721-she feel like [you]238-ava ’re slipping away from [me]721-she , and [I]721-she do n’t have a fucking clue how to make it right . ”[721-she] [She]721-she ’s still , quiet , looking increasingly startled . The silence is unbearable . Excruciating . “ Please , say something , ”[0-i] [I]0-i beg , pleading with [my]0-i eyes as well as with [my]0-i words . [I]0-i punished [myself]0-i . [You]238-ava punished [me]0-i . [I]0-i ca n’t go through that all over again . ”[0-i] [You]238-ava punished [yourself]238-ava ? How ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i ’m quickly shifting in [my]0-i seat , dropping [her]721-she and raking [my]0-i hand through [my]0-i hair . [My]0-i actions speak volumes , even if [my]0-i mouth refuses to . [Jesse]454-jesse , how ? ”[721-she] [she]721-she presses , a certain sternness in [her]721-she demand . Does [she]721-she realize [she]721-she ’s reading [my]0-i body language ? For [a woman who does n’t remember [me]0-i]722-a woman who does n’t remember me , [she]721-she ’s showing all the instinctive signs of knowing [me]0-i . [I]0-i wish [I]0-i could appreciate that right now . [I]0-i ca n’t . [I]0-i ’m just more terrified by the prospect of ruining [my]0-i chances before [I]0-i ’ve even really tried . [I]0-i had [myself]0-i whipped . ”[0-i] [I]0-i close [my]0-i eyes as [I]0-i tell [her]721-she , unwilling to see the inevitable horror on [her]721-she face . “ It was either that or drink [myself]0-i into oblivion . ”[0-i] “ What ? ”[721-she] [she]721-she gasps . “ Whipped ? By who ? ”[721-she] [I]0-i do n’t hesitate . Let ’s get this horror show over with . [Sarah]26-maddie . ”[721-she] “ Who the hell is [Sarah]26-maddie ? ”[721-she] [An old friend]26-maddie . ”[0-i] [I]0-i open [my]0-i eyes and find [Ava]238-ava heaving before [me]0-i . [She]238-ava ’s mad . It ’s a small blessing because it shows [she]238-ava cares . [You]26-maddie did n’t like [her]238-ava much . ”[238-ava] [I]96-pivoting ’m not surprised ! ”[96-pivoting] [Pivoting]96-pivoting , [she]238-ava walks to the French doors that lead to [the garden]2075-the garden and stands staring out across [[our]724-our land]725-our land , arms folded over [her]238-ava chest . It ’s cloudy out there . Dull . Grey . Miserable . Apt . “ Why would [you]26-maddie do that ? ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava asks . [I]238-ava already told [you]26-maddie . To punish [myself]238-ava . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava remains with [her]238-ava back to [me]0-i , though [I]0-i see [her]238-ava shoulders rise . An inhale of shock ? Or an inhale of strength ? “ And [this Sarah]238-ava . [[Your]238-ava friend]238-ava . Is [she]238-ava still in [your]238-ava life ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i ’m thrown back to last week , the moment when [John]60-jacob told [me]0-i [she]238-ava ’d returned to [London]11-london . The moment when [I]0-i went to call [Ava]238-ava to tell [her]238-ava but got a call from [the school]2041-the school instead . The moment when [my]0-i world shattered . “ No , ”[0-i] [I]0-i vow , because [she]238-ava is n’t . [She]238-ava left , moved to [the States]357-the states when [she]238-ava realized there was only [one woman in [my]238-ava life]2272-a little girl . [You]2272-a little girl . ”[238-ava] “ That was good of [her]238-ava . ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava curtness stings , but [I]0-i accept that it ’s all [I]0-i can expect . [Sarah]26-maddie was [[my]0-i uncle ’s girlfriend]26-maddie , ”[0-i] [I]0-i explain . [They]2427-they had [a little girl]2272-a little girl together . ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava turns to face [me]0-i , all spite lost , astonishment replacing it . “ But [she]2272-a little girl was in love with [you]26-maddie ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i nod . [Uncle Carmichael]2143-uncle carmichael owned [The Manor]190-the manor before [I]0-i did . [I]0-i worked for [him]2143-uncle carmichael as [a teenager]2429-a teenager . [He]2143-uncle carmichael introduced [me]0-i to that lifestyle . ”[0-i] “ Bloody hell , [Jesse]454-jesse . Do [[your]454-jesse parents]329-your parents know ? ”[727-she] “ Of course . That ’s why [I]0-i did n’t speak to [them]329-your parents for years . [We]329-your parents only reconciled when [you]454-jesse came into [my]0-i life . ”[0-i] [I]0-i pat the couch next to [me]0-i . [Ava]238-ava , come and sit down with [me]0-i , please . ”[0-i] [I]0-i do n’t know if it ’s instinct or a sense of duty , but [she]727-she does , settling warily . [I]727-she ’m going to give [you]238-ava a shortened version because , frankly , it ’s so far in the past and there are so many other things [I]727-she need to share with [you]238-ava , tell [you]238-ava , things that are more relevant to [our]329-your parents lives now . Things that have made [us]329-your parents happy . Things that have built [us]329-your parents . Things that helped [us]329-your parents get over the shitty stuff and brought [us]329-your parents to now . ”[727-she] “ But it ’s all part of [our]329-your parents story , good or bad . ”[0-i] [I]0-i ca n’t argue with that . “ But it ’s painful , [Ava]238-ava . ”[727-she] [She]727-she reaches over and takes [my]0-i hand . It ’s a natural display of comfort , and [I]0-i ’m so grateful for it . “ Tell [me]0-i . ”[0-i] [I]0-i rub into [my]0-i weary eyes with [my]0-i spare hand , squeezing [my]0-i other around [hers]728-i . [I]0-i was a twin [myself]0-i , ”[0-i] [I]0-i begin , and [she]728-i smiles softly , changing the hold of [our]729-our hands so [her]728-i fingers are laced with [mine]0-i , moving closer . [[My]728-i brother]2431-my brother was [the good boy]2431-my brother . [The achiever]2431-my brother . [I]728-i was … well , a pain in [[my]728-i parents]493-my parents ’ arse , [I]728-i see that now . [I]728-i led [him]2431-my brother astray , and … ”[728-i] Fucking hell , [I]0-i can feel a vise squeezing [my]0-i heart , air being drained from [my]0-i lungs . [We]729-our were out one night . Drinking . It was [my]0-i idea . [I]0-i encouraged [him]2431-my brother . [Jacob]60-jacob walked into [the road]2159-the road . ”[0-i] [Her]0-i hand covers [her]0-i mouth , realization hitting [her]0-i . [Jacob]60-jacob , ”[0-i] [she]0-i mumbles . [I]0-i nod [my]0-i confirmation of [[our]730-our son]731-our son ’s name and [[my]0-i dead brother]731-our son ’s . [Mum]32-mum and [Dad]1256-dad blamed [me]0-i for [Jake]60-jacob ’s death . [I]0-i was a mess . [I]0-i felt so guilty . ”[0-i] Something tells [me]0-i that [I]0-i should hold back on [[my]0-i ex - wife and dead daughter]732-my ex - wife and dead daughter right now . [I]0-i ’m already bombarding [Ava]238-ava with so much . So , right or wrong , [I]0-i skip it and go straight to the beginning of [my]0-i life at [The Manor]2265-the place . Or the end of [my]0-i life until [Ava]238-ava crashed into it . [I]238-ava went off [the rails]2434-the rails . Took up residence at [The Manor]2265-the place . [Uncle Carmichael]2143-uncle carmichael passed away , [I]238-ava inherited [the place]2265-the place , and the rest is history . ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava cheeks puff out , [her]238-ava head shaking slowly , disbelieving . [I]238-ava do n’t even know what to do with all of this . ”[238-ava] “ Do nothing . Say nothing , ”[0-i] [I]0-i tell [her]238-ava , pulling [her]238-ava closer . “ When [I]0-i met [you]238-ava , [you]238-ava pulled [me]0-i out of the black hole [I]0-i ’d been trapped in for so long . [You]238-ava gave [me]0-i new life and purpose . [I]0-i felt good for the first time in years , and [I]0-i was n’t about to let [you]238-ava refuse [me]0-i those feelings . ”[0-i] “ So [you]238-ava got creative ? ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava eyebrow hitches a smidgen . “ Yes . [I]238-ava swear , [I]238-ava ’d never worked so hard to get laid . ”[238-ava] A small gasp followed by a playful slap of [my]0-i upper arm prompts a little laugh from [me]0-i , and as a result , [Ava]238-ava rolls [her]238-ava eyes , not being able to help smiling [herself]238-ava . [I]0-i pull [her]238-ava onto [my]0-i lap , and [she]238-ava does n’t complain , coming with ease . “ Was it good ? ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava asks . “ When [you]2435-you finally got [me]238-ava into bed . ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava lips seal tightly , as if [she]238-ava ’s bracing [herself]238-ava . [She]238-ava ’s wondered this before . [She]238-ava ’s looked at [me]0-i and considered what it would be like to be intimate with [me]0-i . [You]2435-you mean against a wall . ”[238-ava] “ Huh ? ”[238-ava] This is better . This is the important stuff . The feelings , the connection , the out - of - this - world sex . “ At [Lusso]88-lusso . ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava frown is huge . “ What ’s [Lusso]88-lusso ? ”[238-ava] [A complex on [St. Katharine Docks]12-st. katharine docks]2436-a complex on st. katharine docks . [You]2435-you were [the designer]2437-the designer . [I]238-ava bought [the penthouse]190-the manor . That ’s how [I]238-ava heard [your]2435-you name and why [I]238-ava got [you]2435-you to [The Manor]190-the manor . [I]238-ava liked what [you]2435-you did with it . Italian shit everywhere . ”[238-ava] “ Oh . So [you]2435-you did get [me]238-ava back to [[your]2435-you apartment]2439-your apartment , then ? ”[238-ava] “ Not quite . [I]238-ava got [you]2435-you in [the bathroom]294-the bathroom on launch night . ”[238-ava] [I]194-kate screwed [you]2435-you in the bathroom of a show [home]201-home ? Oh God ! ”[194-kate] [Her]194-kate forehead falls onto [my]0-i chest and rolls from side to side in despair . “ That ’s not like [me]194-kate . [I]194-kate do n’t do things like that . ”[194-kate] [I]0-i smile and wrap [her]194-kate in [my]0-i arms , savoring the moment of [her]194-kate being so close . [She]194-kate was n’t like that . [I]0-i know . That was one of the things [I]0-i loved about [her]194-kate . Problem is , [she]194-kate ’s still [that young woman in [her]194-kate mind]194-kate . “ It was incredible . The want thrumming from [your]194-kate body , mirroring [mine]0-i . [We]735-we were inevitable , [baby]194-kate . A spark just waiting to explode . And , trust [me]194-kate , [we]735-we exploded . ”[194-kate] [I]0-i swallow , [my]0-i face in [her]194-kate hair , [my]0-i body coming to life just talking about that moment in [our]735-we history . The moment [she]194-kate gave in . The moment the explosion happened . As a result of [my]0-i thoughts , [my]0-i cock starts to stiffen , and it ca n’t have escaped [Ava]238-ava ’s notice , since [she]194-kate ’s sitting on the damn thing . [She]194-kate better not move ; [I]0-i ca n’t promise [I]0-i ’ll be able to hold ba — [She]194-kate shifts , and [I]0-i suppress a growl , not very successfully . [I]0-i ’m iron behind [my]0-i jeans . [My]0-i veins are hot . [My]0-i heart jumping . It ’s not a good place to be when any kind of [Jesse]454-jesse - style fuck is off the table . Lips straight , [she]194-kate finds [my]0-i eyes , and [I]0-i see that dormant lust lingering in their depths . [She]194-kate swallows and drops [her]194-kate gaze to [my]0-i lips . Fucking hell , [I]0-i ’ve never been so starving for [her]194-kate . Never been so desperate to take [her]194-kate . Never felt so paralyzed by desire . [She]194-kate ’s just staring at [my]0-i mouth , [her]194-kate body now unmoving on [my]0-i lap , [her]194-kate mind clearly racing . [She]194-kate wants to kiss [me]0-i . Wants to taste [me]0-i . “ Are [you]2442-you ready to stop fighting it now ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i ask , being catapulted back to [Lusso]88-lusso when [I]0-i finally got to take what [I]0-i so badly wanted . [I]194-kate need all of [you]2442-you . Say [I]194-kate can have all of [you]2442-you . ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate immediately looks confused by [her]194-kate words , but [I]0-i ’m fucking elated , because even though [she]194-kate does n’t know where these words are coming from , [they]736-they ’re coming , and that ’s really all the hope [I]0-i can count on right now . [You]2442-you can have all of [me]0-i , ”[0-i] [I]0-i tell [her]194-kate quietly , even though [she]194-kate already owns every fiber of [my]0-i being . [She]194-kate slowly drops forward until [her]194-kate lips gently meet [mine]0-i . It ’s a beautiful moment , one , along with many others , that [I]0-i will cherish for as long as [I]0-i live . [I]0-i do n’t take the lead , deciding that [I]0-i should let [her]194-kate take it at [her]194-kate own pace , and [I]0-i ’m more than happy with [her]194-kate pace . It ’s slow . It ’s soft . It ’s gentle and loving and everything that it should be . It ’s everything that [I]0-i feel . The sofa melds around [my]0-i back , and [Ava]238-ava melds into [my]0-i front , [my]0-i head resting back , [my]0-i mouth and [my]0-i tongue lax to easily follow [her]194-kate movements . [My]0-i hands keep a firm hold of [her]194-kate hips , just enough to tell [her]194-kate that [I]0-i ’m here and [I]0-i so desperately want to be . [I]0-i have n’t tasted [her]194-kate in over a week . It ’s the longest stretch [I]0-i ’ve ever gone without kissing [her]194-kate , feeling [her]194-kate , and maybe that is why every sense feels heightened . [She]194-kate tastes more potent ; [my]0-i skin feels hypersensitive to [her]194-kate touch . It ’s perfect . So perfect , [I]0-i never want it to end . “ Are [you]2443-you okay ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i ask against [her]194-kate lips when [she]194-kate pauses a beat before resuming [her]194-kate exploration of [my]0-i mouth , [her]194-kate palms holding [my]0-i cheeks as if [she]194-kate ’s scared [I]0-i ’ll move and break [her]194-kate flow . [You]2443-you are such a good kisser , ”[194-kate] [she]194-kate mumbles , pushing [her]194-kate front into [me]0-i , not helping with the situation behind the fly of [my]0-i jeans . Kissing , yeah , great , but [I]0-i ’m not sure if [she]194-kate ’s ready for more just yet . “ It feels like [we]737-we ’ve done this a million times , got it down to a fine art . ”[0-i] [We]737-we have done it a million times , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say , quickly cursing [myself]0-i when [she]194-kate breaks [our]737-we lips and pulls away . “ Of course . ”[194-kate] [Her]194-kate cheeks are flushed , and [I]0-i ’m struggling to fathom whether it ’s with embarrassment or desire . “ Sorry , [I]0-i got a little carried away . ”[0-i] Oh , the strength it takes for [me]0-i not to bark [my]0-i frustration nearly breaks [me]0-i . “ Do n’t apologize , ”[0-i] [I]0-i order as softly as [I]0-i can , taking [her]194-kate chin and directing [her]194-kate face to [mine]0-i . “ Thank [you]0-i . ”[0-i] “ For what ? ”[194-kate] “ For that amazing kiss . ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate smiles , almost shyly . “ Thank [you]0-i , too . ”[194-kate] [Her]194-kate blush is heartbreaking because it signifies the loss of [our]737-we time , and deeply gratifying because [I]0-i can at least make [her]194-kate blush again . [She]194-kate was so used to [me]0-i after all these years , nothing [I]0-i said or did fazed [her]194-kate anymore . [I]0-i want to take [you]0-i out tomorrow , ”[0-i] [I]0-i tell [her]194-kate . “ Do [you]0-i think [you]0-i can manage it ? ”[0-i] “ Where are [you]0-i taking [me]0-i ? ”[0-i] Reaching for [her]194-kate hair , [I]0-i push a stray lock over [her]194-kate shoulder . “ A little trip down [memory lane]2444-memory lane . ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate says nothing , just smiles as [I]0-i rise from the couch with [her]194-kate still attached to [my]0-i front . Encouraging [her]194-kate to find [her]194-kate feet , [I]0-i turn [her]194-kate by [her]194-kate shoulders and push [her]194-kate on . “ Go get ready for dinner . ”[0-i] [Bossy]97-bossy again , ”[194-kate] [she]194-kate muses . “ Like [I]194-kate said , get used to it . ”[194-kate] [I]0-i release [her]194-kate at the bottom of [the stairs]244-the stairs and watch as [she]194-kate takes them slowly , constantly glancing over [her]194-kate shoulder at [me]0-i . [I]0-i cock [my]0-i head , lifting [my]0-i eyebrows when [she]194-kate tries to hide a secret smile . “ What ’s tickled [you]0-i ? ”[194-kate] [I]0-i call . [Her]194-kate delicate shoulders jump up in a small shrug , but [she]194-kate does n’t say anything . [She]194-kate does n’t need to . [She]194-kate felt something powerful just then . Something in [our]739-we kiss that reinforced the rightness of [her]194-kate being here with [me]0-i . [She]194-kate was lost in that moment , and [her]194-kate mind was blank for all the right reasons . Chapter 19 The next morning , [I]0-i ’m all set . [I]0-i ’ve called [Dr. Peters]74-dr. peters to ensure [I]0-i ’m not pushing [her]194-kate too far , and [he]74-dr. peters reassured [me]0-i that [my]0-i plan to revisit some of [our]739-we past is a good idea . Just to take it easy with [her]194-kate , which was a stupid fucking thing to say . [We]739-we also chatted briefly about all these small hints of memories , all the words , and [he]74-dr. peters seemed thrilled by that . All in all , [I]0-i ’m feeling pretty good . [I]0-i know where [we]739-we ’re going , what [we]739-we ’re doing , and [I]0-i ’m really looking forward to it . That kiss last night . It was just a kiss , but it was earthmoving . [I]0-i felt like [she]194-kate was breathing hope into [me]0-i . It made sleeping alone again that little bit more bearable . “ What are [you]194-kate looking at ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i ask as [Ava]238-ava performs a full assessment of [me]0-i in [the hallway]701-the hallway , [her]194-kate eyes roaming up and down [my]0-i tall frame . [You]194-kate just do n’t seem the type to wear leather trousers . ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate ’s thinking so hard [she]194-kate ’s frowning . “ Then again , [you]194-kate did n’t seem [the type to own a sex club]2445-the type to own a sex club , either . ”[194-kate] Looking up at [me]0-i , [she]194-kate shrugs a little . [I]194-kate guess [they]2446-they go hand in hand . ”[194-kate] Laughter so rich and loud spills out of [me]0-i . “ It is n’t what [you]194-kate think , ”[0-i] [I]0-i assure [her]194-kate , chuckling as [I]0-i produce another set of leather trousers . “ These are [yours]194-kate . ”[0-i] “ Oh God , next [you]194-kate ’ll be pulling out a whip . ”[0-i] [I]0-i recoil , [my]0-i arm dropping limply to [my]0-i side . “ There ’s no whip . ”[0-i] “ Oh shit . ”[194-kate] [Her]194-kate mouth snaps shut , [her]194-kate disposition quickly awkward . [I]194-kate ’m guessing whips are a no - go zone for [us]741-us . ”[194-kate] “ It ’s not the most thrilling part of [our]741-us history . ”[194-kate] [I]0-i hand [her]194-kate the trousers , and [she]194-kate takes them , if a little cautiously , not because [she]194-kate ’s still wondering what [we]741-us ’re doing and why [she]194-kate ’ll be wearing them , but because [her]194-kate mind is whirling about that horrid time . [You]194-kate told [me]194-kate that [I]194-kate punished [you]194-kate , too , ”[194-kate] [she]194-kate says , looking at the leather in [her]194-kate grasp . [You]194-kate punished [yourself]194-kate by being whipped . So how did [I]194-kate punish [you]194-kate ? ”[194-kate] [I]0-i flinch , the cracking of leather across [her]194-kate back echoing through [my]0-i skull like the perfect kind of torture . Though [her]194-kate reasoning at the time eventually made sense to [me]0-i , it did n’t make it any easier to accept . Anger sizzles , threatening to surface as [I]0-i eye [her]194-kate with caution and collect [my]0-i keys and shades . [I]0-i ’d rather not revisit one of the most horrific moments in [my]0-i life . ”[0-i] [My]0-i answer only seems to enhance [her]194-kate curiosity , and in true [Ava]238-ava style [she]194-kate pushes on . “ Something tells [me]194-kate that [I]194-kate did n’t dump [your]2447-you arse for a few days . Or give [you]2447-you the silent treatment . So how did [I]194-kate punish [you]2447-you ? ”[194-kate] “ It ’s not important . ”[0-i] [I]0-i make [my]0-i way to the door , eager to end this conversation . [I]0-i ’m [a fool]742-a fool . Evading questions and distracting [Ava]238-ava in the early days of [our]743-our relationship was what got [me]0-i in such a mess in the first place . Have n’t [I]0-i learned ? [Your]194-kate body language disagrees , ”[194-kate] [she]194-kate calls , pulling [me]0-i to a stop at the door . “ Tell [me]194-kate . ”[194-kate] Tell [her]194-kate . Will [she]194-kate believe it ? [I]0-i did n’t at the time , and [I]0-i saw firsthand the nightmare unfolding before [me]0-i . [That bastard]744-that bastard lashing [her]194-kate , [her]194-kate body hanging limply . [I]0-i swallow and turn to face [her]194-kate , as well as facing up to [my]0-i responsibility . [You]194-kate were n’t punishing [me]194-kate for sleeping with [someone else]267-someone else . ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate flinches at the reminder , and though the vision hurts , something sick inside [me]0-i appreciates [her]194-kate reaction . Because it ’s another sign that [she]194-kate cares . The thought of [me]0-i with [another woman]745-another woman pains [her]194-kate . Even now , when [she]194-kate does n’t know [me]0-i . “ Then what was [I]194-kate punishing [you]194-kate for ? ”[194-kate] “ Having [my]194-kate guilt thrashed out of [me]194-kate . For hurting [myself]194-kate . ”[194-kate] Another flinch . It ’s a minor reaction in contrast to the horror scene that played out in [The Manor]190-the manor that awful day , but it still pricks at [my]0-i skin relentlessly . [Her]194-kate jaw stiffens , [her]194-kate eyes becoming fierce . It ’s familiar , if unwelcome right now . “ Tell [me]0-i . ”[0-i] [I]0-i match [her]194-kate stoic expression and spill . [You]194-kate had [yourself]194-kate whipped , too . ”[194-kate] [Her]194-kate mouth falls open . [You]194-kate let some scumbag shackle [you]194-kate half - naked and [you]194-kate let [him]194-kate whip [you]194-kate . Happy ? ”[194-kate] “ Do [I]194-kate fucking look happy ? ”[194-kate] [she]194-kate spits , throwing the trousers to the floor . “ Why the hell would [I]194-kate do that ? ”[194-kate] “ Because , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say , unable to rein [myself]0-i in , the anger that ’s lay dormant within [me]0-i all these years racing to the surface unstoppably . [I]0-i get [my]0-i threatening face close to [hers]194-kate . [She]194-kate does n’t budge an inch , squaring up to [me]0-i in return . [My]0-i defiant little temptress . [[My]0-i angel]194-kate . [[My]0-i Ava]194-kate . Here [she]194-kate fucking is . “ Because [you]194-kate wanted [me]194-kate to understand how much [you]194-kate loved [me]194-kate . Because [you]194-kate wanted [me]194-kate to feel how [you]194-kate felt when [you]194-kate found [me]194-kate being thrashed . ”[194-kate] [My]0-i nostrils flare as [she]194-kate stares [me]0-i down , [our]747-our noses nearly touching , [my]0-i body bent a little to make sure of it . “ And it fucking worked . ”[194-kate] [Her]194-kate jaw , so tight , is ticking wildly . [She]194-kate ’s mad . Whether [she]194-kate ’s mad because [she]194-kate knows deep inside that [she]194-kate really did do that , or if [she]194-kate ’s mad because [she]194-kate ca n’t remember , is n’t a question [I]0-i ’m bothered about in this moment . Because beyond the anger , [I]0-i see a familiar , potent craving . [I]0-i see that mixture of fury and desire . The need to rip a strip off [me]0-i and rip [my]0-i clothes off . When [we]747-our ’re angry with each other , the sex is even more passionate , crazy , and satisfying . It ’s all here before [me]0-i now , yet [I]0-i can not be the one to make the first move . [I]0-i ca n’t push this . For the first time in [our]747-our relationship , [I]0-i ’m depending on [her]194-kate to give [me]0-i what [I]0-i want , and , more importantly , what [I]0-i need more than anything in [the world]2163-the world . [Our]747-our connection . [Our]747-our chemistry . “ Kiss [me]0-i , ”[0-i] [I]0-i demand . “ Now . ”[0-i] “ Fuck [you]0-i . ”[194-kate] “ Watch [your]0-i fucking mouth ! ”[0-i] [I]0-i bark , a secret smile hiding behind [my]0-i straight face . [She]194-kate does n’t try to hide [hers]194-kate . “ Screw [you]0-i . ”[194-kate] “ Three , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say lowly . “ Zero , [baby]0-i . ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate lunges forward , smashing [her]194-kate lips to [mine]0-i , [her]194-kate arms virtually strangling [me]0-i as [she]194-kate climbs up [my]0-i body . [I]0-i stagger back , fucking chaos breaking out in [my]0-i leather trousers — heat , blood , and solid flesh raging down there . [She]194-kate ’s unforgiving in [her]194-kate demand for [my]0-i mouth . Harsh stabs of [her]194-kate tongue against [mine]0-i , vicious tugs of [my]0-i hair , deep , throaty groans of pleasure . [My]0-i back hits the door frame , jolting [her]194-kate in [my]0-i arms , not that it distracts [her]194-kate from [her]194-kate mission . [I]0-i can do nothing more than keep up with [her]194-kate pace , silently demanding [her]194-kate to start ridding [us]749-our of clothes so [I]0-i can lose [myself]0-i in [her]194-kate . Find the peace [I]0-i need . Relish the joining of [our]749-our bodies . [Her]194-kate hot , wet tongue circles [my]0-i mouth , [our]749-our heads tilting and turning constantly , taking other angles , pulling back , smashing together once again . It ’s madness . Disorderly . Absolutely incredible . And then as quickly as it started , it stops . Like [she]194-kate could have been hit with a thousand volts of electricity , [she]194-kate catapults back , forcing [me]0-i to release [her]194-kate before [she]194-kate dives clean out of [my]0-i arms . “ Oh [my]194-kate God , ”[194-kate] [she]194-kate sputters , brushing [herself]194-kate down , hands faffing everywhere , eyes avoiding [mine]0-i . That kiss has wiped [me]0-i of breath . [I]0-i ’m panting like [I]0-i ’m exhausted . [I]0-i do n’t know what came over [me]0-i . ”[0-i] “ Well it was n’t [me]0-i , ”[0-i] [I]0-i mutter to [myself]0-i , forcing back the mental image of [me]0-i doing exactly that . Coming all over [her]194-kate . Kneeling over [her]194-kate , [her]194-kate arms pinned down , [my]0-i hand thrusting [my]0-i cock in [her]194-kate face as [she]194-kate watches . [My]0-i cum coating [her]194-kate lovely face . And [her]194-kate tongue licking it all up . Fuck ! [I]0-i physically rearrange [myself]0-i , looking for room in [my]0-i trousers to accommodate [my]0-i raging hard - on . There ’s no room . Not in these damn things . “ Something got the better of [me]194-kate . ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate looks up at [me]0-i . And [I]0-i can see immediately that [she]194-kate gets it . Even if [she]194-kate does n’t know [me]0-i , [she]194-kate gets it . The ridiculously strong attraction was the first stepping - stone to utter fucking perfection . And thank [God]373-god [she]194-kate ’s not misplaced that . “ Yes , [I]194-kate got the better of [you]194-kate , ”[194-kate] [I]0-i say , peeling [my]0-i back away from the door frame . [Ava]238-ava darts surprised eyes at [me]0-i . “ Now , are [you]194-kate finished unraveling [your]194-kate knickers , [lady]194-kate ? ”[238-ava] [I]0-i take [her]194-kate hand , scoop the trousers from the floor , and lead [her]194-kate out to [the garages]750-the garage . Pressing the button on the remote , [I]0-i hold back while the door rolls open . “ Bloody hell , [Jesse]454-jesse ! ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate drops [my]0-i hand and moves into [the garage]750-the garage , motioning to the lines of [cars]751-cars and superbikes . “ Are these all [yours]194-kate ? ”[194-kate] Making [my]0-i way over to the cabinet , [I]0-i pull [our]752-our helmets down from one of the shelves . “ All [ours]752-our . ”[0-i] “ These must be worth hundreds of thousands . ”[194-kate] “ Which is why [the garage]750-the garage is alarmed and [the cars]751-cars all have trackers . ”[0-i] [Trackers]2449-trackers ? ”[194-kate] [Her]194-kate head tilts , somewhere between interest and worry . “ Did [you]194-kate have a tracker on [[my]194-kate car]235-my car ? ”[194-kate] “ Of course . ”[0-i] [I]0-i do n’t beat around the bush . “ A nice little app on [my]0-i phone told [me]0-i where [you]194-kate were at all times . ”[0-i] [I]0-i laugh when [she]194-kate snorts , disgusted . “ Do n’t worry . [You]194-kate had the app too . ”[194-kate] [I]194-kate did ? ”[194-kate] “ Yes , [you]194-kate worry about [me]0-i as much as [I]0-i worry about [you]194-kate . ”[0-i] [I]0-i hold up the helmets . “ What are those for ? ”[0-i] [We]2451-we ’re going swimming , ”[0-i] [I]0-i quip drily , pointing to [her]194-kate hands . “ And those are [your]194-kate trunks . ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava glances down at the leather trousers in [her]194-kate grasp , comprehension coming to [her]194-kate . [She]194-kate inhales quickly and swings toward [my]0-i superbike , definitely thrilled by the prospect . [I]0-i ’m going on that thing ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i ’m laughing again . “ That ’s a little different from what [you]194-kate said the first time [I]0-i took [you]194-kate for a ride . ”[0-i] “ A ride ? ”[194-kate] [Her]194-kate eyebrow cocks with interest , extending [my]0-i laughter . There ’s that suggestiveness in [her]194-kate again . [I]0-i approach [her]194-kate slowly , a little ominously , and dip , bringing [our]753-our faces close . [You]194-kate love riding [the bike]2452-the bike , but [you]194-kate love riding [me]0-i even more . ”[0-i] Red creeps into [her]194-kate cheeks . It ’s such a satisfying sight , again taking [me]0-i back to the early days when [she]194-kate was trying to hide how much [she]194-kate was floored by [me]0-i . [She]194-kate tries to rectify [her]194-kate fluster . [I]194-kate would challenge that , if [I]194-kate did n’t know it to be true . ”[194-kate] “ Oh ? ”[194-kate] Interesting . “ And how do [you]194-kate know ? ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate immediately starts to shift on the spot , and [I]0-i grin , glancing down at [her]194-kate chest . Nipples like bullets . And [I]0-i bet [her]194-kate knickers are n’t too dry , either . All the signs thrill [me]0-i . “ Get [your]194-kate trousers on . ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate smiles , steps back , and does as [she]194-kate ’s bid , and that ’s highly satisfying , too . All these natural instincts in [her]194-kate . It ’s hope . “ Do [I]194-kate ride on [my]194-kate own ? ”[194-kate] [she]194-kate asks . [I]0-i scoff . “ Never . Only ever with [me]0-i . ”[0-i] “ Why ? ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate ’s genuinely interested . [Bikes]751-cars are [dangerous machines]751-cars . ”[194-kate] “ So are [cars]751-cars , ”[194-kate] [she]194-kate counters quietly as [she]194-kate pulls [her]194-kate trousers up [her]194-kate legs . [I]0-i still and flick [her]194-kate a glance . [I]0-i ca n’t help but think that had [I]0-i enforced [my]0-i demand to have [her]194-kate in [a Range Rover]2018-a range rover , [we]755-we would n’t be in this nightmare right now . Judging by the state of [her]194-kate Mini , [I]0-i ’m surprised [she]194-kate ’s even alive . [My]0-i veins instantly freeze on that thought . “ Are [you]0-i okay ? ”[0-i] “ Yeah . ”[0-i] [I]0-i push on , demanding [my]0-i mind to steer away from such sickening thoughts . [I]0-i have [her]194-kate . [She]194-kate ’s here . Once [we]755-we ’re both covered in leather , [I]0-i place [her]194-kate helmet over [her]194-kate head gently , smiling a smidgen while [I]0-i fasten [her]194-kate chin strap . [I]194-kate have déjà vu , ”[194-kate] [she]194-kate mumbles through [her]194-kate squished cheeks . “ That ’s got to be a good thing , right ? ”[194-kate] [I]0-i ’m sure it is , ”[0-i] [I]0-i assure [her]194-kate , wriggling [her]194-kate helmet as gently as [I]0-i can to check it ’s secure . [You]0-i look fucking hot . ”[194-kate] [I]194-kate know . ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate flexes [her]194-kate head from side to side . “ And it ’s good to see [you]0-i ’re wearing leathers , too . ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate freezes , as do [I]0-i , [both of [us]757-us]461-both of us staring at each other . “ Why did [I]194-kate say that ? ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate suddenly looks puzzled , and [my]0-i hope dies , but only a little , because [the doctor]2188-the doctor said [he]2188-the doctor ’s pleased . All these little things here and there . There has to be a pinnacle moment that will bring it all rushing back . Something that will open the floodgates . [I]0-i go ahead and try to explain . “ When [we]757-us first met , [I]0-i never wore leathers . ”[0-i] [Her]194-kate eyes drop to [my]0-i stomach . [I]0-i know what [she]194-kate ’s thinking . [She]194-kate ’s thinking about the scars on [my]0-i abdomen . [She]194-kate ’s thinking [I]0-i must have sustained those injuries in an accident , and [I]0-i do n’t put [her]194-kate straight . [You]194-kate were n’t happy about it , ”[0-i] [I]0-i finish gently , sweeping [my]0-i arm out toward [the bike]2452-the bike in indication for [her]194-kate to hop on board . [She]194-kate heads for the bike without thought or question . [I]194-kate ’m not surprised . [You]194-kate ’re not — ”[194-kate] “ Indestructible , [I]194-kate know . ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate stops for a beat , slowly looking over [her]194-kate shoulder and down to [my]0-i stomach again . “ This is so weird . ”[194-kate] [I]0-i laugh sarcastically . “ Just a bit . ”[0-i] Joining [her]194-kate , [I]0-i throw [my]0-i leg over the bike and settle in the seat . “ Put [your]194-kate foot on … ”[0-i] [My]0-i instruction fades off when [I]0-i feel [her]194-kate front squished up behind [me]0-i in the seat , [her]194-kate arms circling [my]0-i midriff . “ Okay , then . ”[194-kate] [I]194-kate feel like [I]194-kate should be , but [I]194-kate ’m not even scared , ”[194-kate] [she]194-kate declares , snuggling closer . “ Where are [we]2454-we going ? ”[194-kate] Looking down at [her]194-kate hands linked over [my]0-i stomach , feeling [her]194-kate head resting on [my]0-i back , [her]194-kate body pushed tight to [mine]0-i , brings [me]0-i a little peace . Whether [she]194-kate knows it or not , [she]194-kate trusts [me]0-i . [I]0-i pull [my]0-i helmet on and start up [my]0-i Ducati 1299 Superleggera , giving it a few exhilarating revs . The roar is only amplified in [the enclosed garage]750-the garage , and [Ava]238-ava ’s hold of [me]0-i constricts . Had [I]0-i not spoken to [the doctor]2188-the doctor , this definitely would n’t be happening . But [she]194-kate ’s comfortable . So comfortable . Besides , like [I]0-i would let anything happen to [her]194-kate . [I]0-i kick up the stand and roll [us]762-us out of [the garage]750-the garage , taking it steadily to [the main road]2153-the main road . [I]0-i ignore [her]194-kate demand for [me]0-i to speed up . This ride will be slow and careful . Not something [I]0-i ’m really familiar with , but fast getting used to . Because [I]0-i have to . Chapter 20 With [Ava]238-ava nestled so snugly against [my]0-i back , [I]0-i may have gone the long way to [my]0-i intended destination . [I]0-i make no apologies for that . [She]194-kate ’s lucky [I]0-i ’m even letting [her]194-kate off [the bike]2452-the bike now . [She]194-kate swings elegantly but a little gingerly off the back , like [she]194-kate ’s done it a million times before , which [she]194-kate has . Then [she]194-kate unclips [her]194-kate helmet and pulls it off , tentatively shaking out [her]194-kate long dark waves . Sweet mother of all things holy . [My]0-i cock lunges like a depraved animal trying to escape a cage . It ’s not a bad comparison . It ’s been way too long since [I]0-i ’ve had sex . [My]0-i balls are about to explode , and that moment back there in [the hallway]701-the hallway when [she]194-kate jumped on [me]0-i has n’t helped [my]0-i situation . Next , [she]194-kate unzips [her]194-kate jacket , revealing [her]194-kate white casual T - shirt and a little cleavage . Not too much . Just a hint of the boobs [I]0-i love so much . [I]0-i should n’t look . It ’s only slowly torturing [me]0-i . “ Hey . ”[0-i] [My]0-i visor flips up , courtesy of [Ava]238-ava , and [she]194-kate scowls at [me]0-i playfully . “ Are [you]238-ava staring at [my]194-kate boobs ? ”[194-kate] “ What ’s it got to do with [you]238-ava ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i retort offhand , making [her]194-kate hover between light laughter and gawking at [me]0-i . “ Because [they]2455-they ’re [mine]0-i . ”[194-kate] [I]0-i snort and get off [the bike]2452-the bike . “ There are plenty of things for [me]0-i to remind [you]238-ava of , and this is one of the most important . ”[0-i] [I]0-i point [my]0-i finger at [her]194-kate chest , then let it travel the entire length of [her]194-kate body . “ All this is [mine]0-i . ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate slaps [my]0-i hand away . [You]238-ava ’re a pigheaded arsehole . ”[194-kate] “ Yeah , yeah , ”[0-i] [I]0-i sigh tiredly . “ It ’s still all [mine]0-i . ”[0-i] Huffing and puffing a few times , [she]194-kate flips [me]0-i a scowl . For what point [I]0-i do n’t know , maybe just to demonstrate [her]194-kate exasperation . It would be refreshing if it was n’t boring these days . Yet this little back - and - forth thing [we]767-we have going on is strangely wonderful . “ What are [we]767-we doing here , anyway ? ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate looks across [the grassy planes of [Hyde Park]13-hyde park]768-the grassy planes of hyde park . [We]767-we ’re going for a walk . Or a mooch , as [you]238-ava like to put it . ”[194-kate] [You]238-ava mooch in [shops]2456-shops . Not in [parks]2457-parks . ”[194-kate] [You]238-ava do n’t like mooching in [shops]2456-shops with [me]0-i , ”[0-i] [I]0-i tell [her]194-kate . “ Why ? ”[0-i] “ Because [I]0-i trample all the dresses [you]238-ava like , ”[0-i] [I]0-i reply candidly as [I]0-i take [her]194-kate helmet from [her]194-kate hand and put it with [mine]769-mine on the seat . “ So [I]0-i go shopping for [you]238-ava . ”[0-i] [You]238-ava buy [my]194-kate clothes ? ”[194-kate] Horror is a blanket across [her]194-kate lovely face . “ Control what [I]194-kate wear ? ”[194-kate] “ Pretty much , yes , and now is n’t the time to try and change that . ”[0-i] [I]0-i offer [my]0-i hand , and [she]194-kate takes it automatically . [We]2458-we ’re happy as [we]2458-we are . ”[194-kate] [You]238-ava mean [you]238-ava ’re happy . ”[194-kate] “ Trust [me]0-i , [Ava]238-ava . [You]238-ava are deliriously happy . ”[0-i] [I]0-i march on [my]0-i way , not too quickly so [she]194-kate does n’t struggle to keep up . “ Just tell [me]194-kate if [you]238-ava need a rest . ”[194-kate] [I]0-i need a rest . ”[0-i] [I]0-i move in front of [her]194-kate and dip , taking the backs of [her]194-kate thighs gently and hauling [her]194-kate onto [my]0-i back . [She]194-kate yelps , but leaves [me]0-i to [my]0-i thing . “ Better ? ”[194-kate] [You]238-ava ’re going to carry [me]0-i all the way around [the park]2459-the park ? ”[0-i] “ Yes , ”[0-i] [I]0-i reply with utter finality , [my]0-i pace picking up now that [I]0-i have n’t got to worry about wearing [her]194-kate out . [Her]194-kate protests do n’t come . A question , however , does . “ How old are [you]238-ava ? ”[194-kate] [she]194-kate asks , linking [her]194-kate arms around [my]0-i neck and resting [her]194-kate chin on [my]0-i shoulder . “ Twenty - four . ”[194-kate] “ Just tell [me]194-kate . ”[194-kate] “ No . ”[194-kate] “ Why ? ”[194-kate] “ Because [I]194-kate want [you]238-ava to find out for [yourself]238-ava . ”[194-kate] “ And how am [I]0-i going to do that ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i look out the corner of [my]0-i eye , the edge of [my]0-i lip lifting . [I]194-kate ’m sure [you]238-ava ’ll think of something . ”[194-kate] [I]0-i see [her]194-kate mind immediately whirling . [She]194-kate ’s brainstorming . Good . Never in [my]0-i life would [I]0-i have imagined [myself]0-i silently willing [her]194-kate to handcuff [me]0-i and leave [me]0-i at [her]194-kate mercy again . But now , [I]0-i ’d do anything . And now , [I]0-i would n’t get irate and lose the plot . [I]0-i ’d smile [my]0-i damn way through the fucking torture . “ Comfortable up there ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i ask , glancing to [her]194-kate face resting on [my]0-i shoulder as [I]0-i pace down [the path]770-the path . Peeking at [me]0-i , [she]194-kate nods discreetly before lowering [her]194-kate lips to [my]0-i cheek and kissing [me]0-i softly . “ Very . ”[194-kate] [I]0-i close [my]0-i eyes and savor [her]194-kate affection , not knowing where it ’s come from , but unwilling to question it too deeply . Then [she]194-kate resumes [her]194-kate position , chin on [my]0-i shoulder . [I]194-kate could get very used to this . ”[194-kate] [You]194-kate already are , [baby]194-kate . ”[0-i] [I]0-i breathe in , then exhale slowly . [You]194-kate already are . ”[0-i] [I]0-i continue down the path , feeling positive and actually quite excited about the rest of [our]771-our day . That was easy affection , and [I]0-i want more of it . When [we]771-our come to the exact spot [I]0-i had planned , [I]0-i gently lower [her]194-kate to [her]194-kate feet and point to [the grass]772-the grass . “ Lie down . ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate laughs , caught between wariness and humor . “ Why ? ”[194-kate] “ Because [I]194-kate told [you]194-kate to . ”[194-kate] “ And [I]194-kate always do what [you]194-kate tell [me]194-kate , do [I]194-kate ? ”[194-kate] [I]0-i fucking wish , ”[0-i] [I]0-i mutter , lowering to the grass and putting [myself]0-i on [my]0-i back . [I]0-i spread [my]0-i arms and legs , imitating [Ava]238-ava ’s beat form the first time [I]0-i took [her]238-ava for a run and [she]238-ava collapsed with exhaustion . “ Familiar ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i ask . “ Should it be ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i pout , disappointed . “ Maybe [I]238-ava should drag [you]194-kate on a ten - mile run . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava splutters above [me]0-i . “ Are [you]194-kate serious ? [I]238-ava ’d be dead . ”[238-ava] [You]194-kate practically were the first time , but [you]194-kate soon got used to it . Now [you]194-kate ’re like [Forrest Gump]98-forrest gump . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava glances down [her]238-ava body , taking in the good shape [she]238-ava ’s in . “ Running clearly does nothing for [my]238-ava boobs . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i ’m up on [my]0-i elbows like lightning . “ Oh no , [lady]238-ava . ”[0-i] [I]0-i laugh , though it ’s with dread rather than humor . “ Do n’t even think about it . ”[0-i] [I]0-i shake [my]0-i head furiously , daring [her]238-ava to defy [me]0-i . [They]2460-they ’re not how [I]238-ava remember them , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava muses , chin on [her]238-ava chest as [she]238-ava takes them in . Of all the things that are n’t how [she]238-ava remembers , [she]238-ava ’s worried about [her]238-ava boobs ? [Your]238-ava boobs are perfect . ”[238-ava] “ What ’s crawled up [your]238-ava arse ? ”[238-ava] [You]238-ava , ”[0-i] [I]0-i snap , reaching for [her]238-ava hand and tugging [her]238-ava down to the grass . A quick , expert maneuver has [her]238-ava beneath [me]0-i in a flash . Trapped . And panting . [My]0-i grin must be epic as [I]0-i nestle [my]0-i body between [her]238-ava thighs and claim [her]238-ava wrists , thrusting them up over [her]238-ava head . [You]238-ava look good under [me]238-ava . ”[238-ava] [You]238-ava look good over [me]238-ava . ”[238-ava] Now [she]238-ava ’s grinning , too , and if [I]0-i was n’t already on the ground , the impact of [her]238-ava voluntary affection would have knocked [me]0-i on [my]0-i arse . Something has shifted between [us]773-us . Since that kiss last night , [I]0-i feel like [we]773-us ’re making progress , even if there are no monumental breakthroughs in [her]238-ava memory . [She]238-ava ’s receptive . [I]0-i see [she]238-ava ’s curious about so much , not just the last sixteen years , but [me]0-i . [This man]26-maddie . [This man who is [[her]238-ava husband]26-maddie]26-maddie . [This man who loves [her]238-ava with a fierceness that ’s debilitating for both of [us]773-us]26-maddie . [She]238-ava smiles , scanning [my]0-i face , reading [my]0-i thoughts . “ Was that [your]26-maddie chat - up line when [we]773-us met ? ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava question brings on a crazy bout of laughter , [my]0-i muscles forced to engage in order to hold [me]0-i up and not squish [her]238-ava under [me]0-i . “ Not quite . ”[238-ava] “ What was it , then ? ”[238-ava] The true , almost excited curiosity in [her]238-ava eyes is another sucker punch to [my]0-i heart . [She]238-ava thinks it ’ll be all romantic . Sweet and light . Make [her]238-ava swoon and go all giddy . [I]0-i made [her]238-ava giddy all right . [I]0-i remember it well . [Her]238-ava shock . [Her]238-ava disgust . But more the look in [her]238-ava eyes that told [me]0-i [she]238-ava was wondering how loud [she]238-ava really would scream . [I]0-i cough [my]0-i throat clear . [I]0-i ’m not sure [you]0-i ’re ready for that part . ”[0-i] “ After everything [you]0-i off - loaded already ? ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava snorts , and [I]0-i growl . “ Give [me]238-ava a break . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i ’ll give [you]0-i something , ”[0-i] [I]0-i whisper , flexing [my]0-i groin into [hers]238-ava without thought . [We]775-we ’re in [the park]2459-the park , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava whispers lustfully , with zero concern that [we]775-we ’re actually in [the park]2459-the park . [She]238-ava ’s saying what [she]238-ava thinks [she]238-ava should say . “ Wherever , whenever , [baby]194-kate . [You]194-kate know that . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i do n’t wait for [her]238-ava to kiss [me]0-i . [I]0-i can see [she]238-ava wants [me]0-i to , and the moment is too perfect to waste . So [I]0-i gently drop [my]0-i lips to [hers]238-ava and coax [her]238-ava mouth open softly , swallowing down the low , appreciative noises [she]238-ava makes . [I]238-ava ’m learning fast . ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava lips pass over [mine]0-i at the same steady pace , and [I]0-i smile against [them]777-them . This is perfect . [You]238-ava like gentle [Jesse]454-jesse ? ”[0-i] [I]238-ava love [gentle Jesse]454-jesse . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava speaks between [our]778-our kiss , totally indulging in [my]0-i mouth . “ Now tell [me]238-ava . ”[238-ava] “ Tell [you]238-ava what ? ”[0-i] [My]0-i mind has blanked on [me]0-i , and [I]0-i growl , annoyed , when [she]238-ava pulls away . [Your]238-ava chat - up line when [we]778-our met . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava sighs in exasperation . [I]238-ava asked [you]238-ava how loud [you]238-ava ’d scream when [I]238-ava fucked [you]238-ava . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava starts laughing so hard , [her]238-ava whole body shakes , and while [I]0-i ’m a little stunned , [I]0-i ’m also delighted . And seeing [her]238-ava so amused is overwhelmingly rewarding . “ So how loud did [I]238-ava scream ? ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava asks , chuckling between each word . [You]238-ava nearly took off the roof of [Lusso]88-lusso . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava ’s gone again , laughing like [some demented person , eyes bursting with water , body losing all control]779-some demented person , eyes bursting with water , body losing all control . [I]0-i could stay here all day and just admire it . Listen to [her]238-ava . [I]0-i ’m glad [you]0-i find it funny , [lady]238-ava . ”[0-i] [I]0-i wait , quite content watching [her]238-ava as [she]238-ava finds it in [herself]238-ava to calm down . [I]0-i ’ve really tickled [her]238-ava . Regaining control of [herself]238-ava , [she]238-ava sighs deeply , flexing [her]238-ava hands a little for [me]0-i to release [them]780-them . As soon as [I]0-i have , [her]238-ava arms are around [my]0-i neck . [I]238-ava just … ”[238-ava] A deep breath . [I]0-i do n’t know . Everything [you]0-i ’re telling [me]0-i , how [you]0-i are , how [I]0-i am , how [we]2462-our are , just sounds so crazy . Yet [my]0-i heart is telling [me]0-i it ’s real . It ’s normal . Nothing feels wrong at all , just so incredibly right . Even the mad stuff . ”[0-i] [I]0-i smile softly and brush some hair back off [her]238-ava face . “ It ’s [our]2462-our normal , [baby]238-ava . [I]0-i ’ve always told [you]238-ava that . ”[0-i] [Our]2462-our normal sounds pretty fucking perfect . ”[0-i] “ Watch [your]238-ava mouth . ”[0-i] “ Okay . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava giggles and takes [my]0-i lips once more , hungry for [them]781-them since [she]238-ava tasted [me]0-i last night . [She]238-ava ca n’t get enough of [me]0-i , and [I]0-i ’m not about to complain . [I]0-i let [her]238-ava at [me]0-i for as long as [she]238-ava wants , following [her]238-ava soft , swirling tempo . [We]2463-we ’re probably gathering [an audience]2464-an audience . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava ’s breathless . Good . Let [me]0-i take some more of that breath . “ Fuck ’em . ”[0-i] [I]0-i take over the pace , every sound of pleasure that escapes [her]238-ava stroking [my]0-i skin and warming it . [I]0-i would n’t be opposed to staying [here]2274-here for the rest of the day . But [I]0-i reluctantly acknowledge that [she]238-ava needs to eat . [You]238-ava must be hungry . ”[0-i] [I]0-i pull back and trace the lines of [her]238-ava cheekbones , smiling at [her]238-ava swollen rosy lips . “ A little , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava admits on a sigh . [I]238-ava ’m more thirsty . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i know just the place . ”[0-i] [I]0-i press [my]0-i fists into the ground on either side of [her]238-ava and push [myself]0-i up , helping [her]238-ava to [her]238-ava feet . Pointing across [the road]2159-the road to [the coffeehouse]784-the coffeehouse , [I]0-i take [her]238-ava hand and lead on . [You]238-ava think [you]238-ava can walk that far ? ”[0-i] “ No . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava looks up at [me]0-i , [her]238-ava lips pressed together cheekily . [You]238-ava might need to carry [me]238-ava . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i say nothing and turn for [her]238-ava to climb onto [my]0-i back again . [We]785-we ’re perhaps only thirty paces from [the café]786-the café , an easy walk , even for [Ava]238-ava , but [she]238-ava wants [me]0-i to carry [her]238-ava and [I]0-i ’m not about to refuse . [She]238-ava ’s playing . [I]0-i love it . With [her]238-ava face nestled close to [mine]0-i , [I]0-i walk [us]785-we across [the road]2159-the road and set [her]238-ava on [her]238-ava feet outside . [[My]0-i lady]238-ava , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say , pulling the door open and sweeping [my]0-i arm out in gesture for [her]238-ava to lead on . [I]0-i ’m grinning . [She]238-ava ’s grinning . It ’s just one big grin - fest this afternoon . “ Why did n’t [you]238-ava just woo [me]238-ava this romantically when [we]785-we met ? ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava asks , passing through the door . [You]238-ava know , instead of asking highly inappropriate questions . ”[0-i] [I]0-i raise a brow as [I]0-i follow [her]238-ava in . “ How could [I]238-ava woo [you]238-ava when [you]238-ava refused to even have dinner with [me]238-ava ? [I]238-ava was [a desperate man]2465-a desperate man . Besides , [I]238-ava eventually won [your]238-ava heart . Who cares how [I]238-ava did it ? ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava laughs , bumping [my]0-i shoulder as [I]0-i flank [her]238-ava . [I]0-i do n’t budge , but [Ava]238-ava wobbles a bit , forcing [me]0-i to make a grab for [her]238-ava before [she]238-ava topples . [Ava]238-ava ! ”[0-i] [I]0-i snap . “ For fuck ’s sake , be careful ! ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava startles , blinking rapidly at [me]0-i in surprise as [I]0-i hold [her]238-ava by the tops of [her]238-ava arms . “ No need to make a scene . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava glances around , as do [I]0-i , seeing [a few people looking [our]789-our way]788-a few people looking our way . [I]0-i could n’t give a flying fuck . “ Just be careful , ”[0-i] [I]0-i mutter , taking [her]238-ava hand and leading [her]238-ava on toward the counter , stuffing [my]0-i hand in [my]0-i pocket to find [my]0-i wallet . But [I]0-i freeze , pulling [Ava]238-ava to an abrupt halt , too , [my]0-i feeling fingers lying still on the leather of [my]0-i wallet as [I]0-i stare at what ’s captured [my]0-i abrupt attention . [Sarah]26-maddie ’s eyes , clouded with surprise to match [mine]0-i , flick between [me]0-i and [Ava]238-ava . [She]238-ava was always a bit too fond of [Botox]99-botox and [fillers]790-fillers , and it seems that love affair has grown in [her]238-ava absence . Growing old gracefully [she]238-ava is not . [Her]238-ava skin is too taut and [her]238-ava lips blown up to ridiculous proportions . [She]238-ava has a coffee in [her]238-ava hand , just turning to leave the café . [Jesse]454-jesse ? ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava ’s hand lands gently on [my]0-i forearm , and [I]0-i rip [my]0-i stare from [Sarah]26-maddie and look down at [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie . [You]26-maddie okay ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i cough , [my]0-i head in chaos . “ What do [you]26-maddie want to drink ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i ask , slipping [my]0-i arm over [her]238-ava shoulder and walking on , taking a wide berth around [Sarah]26-maddie , hoping beyond all hope that [Ava]238-ava does n’t notice [her]238-ava . [Sarah]26-maddie ’s body turns as [we]791-we move , keeping [her]238-ava facing [us]791-we . [I]0-i feel [my]0-i lips form a straight , warning line , silently threatening [her]238-ava to leave quietly and unnoticed . [Her]238-ava eyes are questioning , even if [her]238-ava face is poker straight . [We]791-we just make it to the counter when [Ava]238-ava turns away from [me]0-i , directly toward [Sarah]26-maddie . [I]238-ava ’ll have a hot chocolate , please . [I]238-ava just need a tissue . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava wanders off , literally rubbing shoulders with [Sarah]26-maddie as [she]238-ava passes . [[My]0-i wife]238-ava does n’t bat an eyelid at [the woman who nearly tore [us]791-we apart]238-ava . Or [one of [the women]793-the women]792-one of the women . [I]0-i watch in dread as [Sarah]26-maddie ’s gaze follows [her]26-maddie path to the nearby pile of napkins . [She]26-maddie looks confused . [John]60-jacob has n’t told [her]26-maddie about [Ava]238-ava ’s accident ? And then as [Ava]238-ava heads back , wiping [her]26-maddie nose , [her]26-maddie eyes fall straight onto [Sarah]26-maddie . [She]26-maddie frowns , eyeing [Sarah]26-maddie as [she]26-maddie stares . [That woman]26-maddie is staring at [me]238-ava , ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava says when [she]26-maddie ’s returned to [me]0-i , moving in closely to [my]0-i side . “ Do [I]26-maddie know [her]26-maddie ? ”[26-maddie] “ No , ”[0-i] [I]0-i answer immediately , just as [Sarah]26-maddie approaches . If looks could kill , [Sarah]26-maddie would be dead on the spot . [I]0-i just know [my]0-i expression must be harboring all kinds of threats , but [she]26-maddie heeds none . [Jesse]454-jesse . [Ava]238-ava . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie passes [her]26-maddie eyes between [us]794-us , and the atmosphere thickens in an instant . “ Lovely to see [you]238-ava . ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava looks up at [me]0-i in question . [I]0-i shake [my]0-i head , returning to the counter and pulling [Ava]238-ava with [me]0-i . [I]0-i throw [my]0-i order at the server , beginning to shake with the strength it ’s taking not to fly off the deep end . What the fuck is [she]26-maddie playing at ? [Jesus]26-maddie , if [Ava]238-ava were [herself]26-maddie , [Sarah]26-maddie would probably be swimming in every coffee [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie could find and throw at [her]26-maddie . “ Who is [she]26-maddie ? ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava asks . “ It ’s not important , ”[0-i] [I]0-i all but snap , tossing a tenner on the counter and swiping up [our]796-our drinks . “ Then why are [you]238-ava all bristly and mad ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i ’m not . ”[0-i] [I]0-i place [her]238-ava hot chocolate in one hand and take [her]238-ava other , pulling [her]238-ava on , though [she]238-ava puts up a fight , trying to wrench [herself]238-ava from [my]0-i grip . Damn [her]238-ava ! [Jesse]454-jesse , let go of [me]0-i . ”[0-i] [I]0-i do , but only because [I]0-i do n’t want to hurt [her]238-ava . Though [my]0-i relinquished hold causes [her]238-ava to stumble back again , and in the process of saving [her]238-ava from tumbling to the floor , [I]0-i send [our]796-our drinks there instead . [Ava]238-ava , damn it , be careful with [yourself]238-ava ! ”[0-i] [I]0-i kick the cups aside and thank everything holy that [she]238-ava has leather trousers on , protecting [her]238-ava skin from the hot spray . “ Who is [she]238-ava ? ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava demands , standing firm , [her]238-ava eyes jumping from [me]0-i to [Sarah]26-maddie , completely ignoring the mess at [our]796-our feet . [I]100-jaw do n’t have a good feeling about [her]26-maddie . Tell [me]100-jaw . ”[100-jaw] [Jaw]100-jaw tight , [I]0-i damn [her]238-ava to hell and back in [my]0-i head . [We]796-our ’re leaving , ”[100-jaw] [I]0-i grate , thrusting [my]0-i hand to the door . “ Now , [Ava]238-ava , or so help [me]238-ava [God]373-god . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava snorts and turns toward [Sarah]26-maddie . “ Who are [you]26-maddie ? ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava asks . [Sarah]26-maddie glances at [me]0-i , absolutely perplexed , though once again [she]238-ava completely disregards [my]0-i threatening look . [My]238-ava name ’s [Sarah]26-maddie . ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava ’s body language changes in a nanosecond . [She]238-ava ’s now bristling as much as [me]0-i . [Sarah]26-maddie ? ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava eyes cast to [mine]0-i . [[Your]26-maddie friend]26-maddie , [Sarah]26-maddie ? [[[Your]26-maddie uncle]26-maddie ’s girlfriend who ’s in love with [you]26-maddie]26-maddie ? ”[238-ava] If [I]0-i was n’t in such a pickle right now , [I]0-i ’d appreciate the fact that [[my]0-i wife]238-ava clearly is n’t happy about this . [She]238-ava looks fuming mad . [The woman who whipped [you]26-maddie]238-ava ? ”[26-maddie] [Sarah]26-maddie , wary , steps back , so obviously confused by what ’s transpiring . “ Just go , [Sarah]26-maddie . Now , ”[0-i] [I]0-i warn before it gets nasty , because [God]373-god knows [[my]0-i wife]238-ava is perfectly capable . [Her]238-ava spunk has only grown with [her]238-ava age . It ’s had to , if only to handle [me]0-i . [Shoulders]101-shoulders falling in defeat , [Sarah]26-maddie finally turns and leaves [the coffeehouse]784-the coffeehouse , and [I]0-i brace [myself]0-i for the wrath of [[my]0-i wife]238-ava . [You]238-ava said [she]238-ava was n’t in [our]2466-our lives anymore . Not even in [the country]2467-the country . ”[0-i] [She]238-ava was n’t . ”[238-ava] “ So are [you]238-ava telling [me]238-ava [I]238-ava ’ve lost [my]238-ava mind as well as [my]238-ava memory ? That [I]238-ava imagined that ? ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava hand shoots toward the door that ’s slowly closing behind [Sarah]26-maddie ’s back . [She]26-maddie showed up last week , ”[0-i] [I]0-i confess . [I]238-ava did n’t get a chance to tell [you]238-ava . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava laughs , and it ’s full of sarcasm . “ It would n’t matter if [you]238-ava did , would it ? Because [I]238-ava would n’t fucking remember now , would [I]238-ava ? ”[238-ava] “ Watch [your]238-ava damn mouth , [Ava]238-ava . ”[373-god] For [God]373-god ’s sake , it ’s getting pottier . [A member of the café staff]798-a member of the café staff appears with a bucket and mop , looking at [us]799-us nervously . [I]0-i step out of the puddle of coffee and claim [Ava]238-ava . “ Get [your]238-ava hands off [me]238-ava , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava spits , shrugging [me]0-i off and hobbling on . [I]0-i sigh and follow . Now would be a good time for a Reminder Fuck . Just to remind [her]238-ava of [her]238-ava place . [I]0-i keep a safe distance behind [her]238-ava , not too far in case [she]238-ava staggers or trips again , as [I]0-i follow [her]238-ava back across [the park]2459-the park where [we]799-us left [[my]0-i bike]222-my bike . [I]0-i can see with each step [she]238-ava ’s getting slower , and [her]238-ava limp is more obvious . Though [my]0-i stubborn little temptress wo n’t ask for help . Tough . [She]238-ava ’s getting it . [I]0-i pick up [my]0-i pace and overtake [her]238-ava , dipping in invitation , rather than manhandling [her]238-ava into [my]0-i hold in [my]0-i usual fashion . [She]238-ava climbs straight onto [my]0-i back , no question . [I]238-ava ’m only accepting because [my]238-ava leg is hurting , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava mutters . [I]0-i ’m still not talking to [you]0-i . ”[0-i] [I]0-i roll [my]0-i eyes to [myself]0-i . “ Fine . ”[0-i] “ Why did n’t [you]0-i bloody tell [me]238-ava ? ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava yells in [my]0-i ear , making [me]0-i flinch and wince and close [my]0-i eyes . “ It ’s bad enough that [I]238-ava ca n’t remember a thing , and now [I]238-ava have to worry about [someone]293-someone trying to steal [[my]238-ava husband]341-your husband ? ”[238-ava] [No one]210-no one is going to steal [[your]238-ava husband]341-your husband , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say . [Stupid woman]802-stupid woman . [Sarah]26-maddie means nothing to [me]802-stupid woman . Never has . ”[802-stupid woman] [You]802-stupid woman clearly mean something to [her]802-stupid woman . What does [she]802-stupid woman want ? Why is [she]802-stupid woman here ? ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava , ”[0-i] [I]0-i sigh , thoroughly done with this conversation . But through [my]0-i thick skin , [I]0-i get that [she]802-stupid woman ’s feeling vulnerable . It ’s [my]0-i job to reassure [her]802-stupid woman . “ Unravel [your]803-your knickers . ”[802-stupid woman] [She]802-stupid woman completely ignores [me]0-i , ranting on . “ And are there any more witches ready to try and get [their]2471-their claws into [you]803-your ? ”[802-stupid woman] [Ava]238-ava , will [you]803-your leave it ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i ’m not growling , but [I]0-i ’m pretty damn close . Keep [your]803-your cool , [Jesse]454-jesse . Keep [your]803-your cool . “ No . How am [I]803-your supposed to know who to fight off if [I]803-your ca n’t remember [any of [them]2472-any of them]2472-any of them ? [You]803-your need to tell [me]803-your . ”[803-your] Of all the things [I]0-i want to remind [her]802-stupid woman about , that is n’t one . Besides , it would take too fucking long . [I]0-i have n’t the energy . [I]0-i said , drop it . ”[0-i] “ And [I]0-i said no . What am [I]0-i sup — ”[0-i] [I]0-i stop , lower [her]802-stupid woman , and pull [her]802-stupid woman around [my]0-i body so [we]804-we ’re front to front , grabbing [her]802-stupid woman cheeks . [I]0-i catch [her]802-stupid woman gasp of shock in [my]0-i mouth when [I]0-i kiss [her]802-stupid woman hard , shutting [her]802-stupid woman the hell up . [I]0-i ’m distracting [her]802-stupid woman . Resorting to desperate tactics . It ’s something [I]0-i wo n’t apologize for . Besides , it seems [she]802-stupid woman rather likes kissing [me]0-i . Thank God . [I]0-i lift [her]802-stupid woman from [her]802-stupid woman feet and continue walking , never dropping [her]802-stupid woman lips . All the way back to [[my]0-i bike]222-my bike . “ It was a lovely afternoon . Do n’t let anything spoil it . ”[804-we] [We]804-we have far more important things to deal with than [Sarah]26-maddie or any ex . “ Please . ”[804-we] [Her]802-stupid woman face twists , [her]802-stupid woman energy obviously wiped from the exertion of stressing , and [her]802-stupid woman forehead falls to [my]0-i chest . [I]0-i cup the back of [her]802-stupid woman head and massage into [her]802-stupid woman hair , avoiding the site of [her]802-stupid woman cut . [I]802-stupid woman ’m tired , ”[802-stupid woman] [she]802-stupid woman moans . And [I]0-i feel guilty . [I]0-i ’ve pushed [her]802-stupid woman too much . [I]0-i take [her]802-stupid woman helmet and gently push it onto [her]802-stupid woman head , wondering if it would be unreasonable for [me]0-i to demand [she]802-stupid woman and [the kids]2010-the kids wear helmets while driving in the future . After the accident , nothing [I]0-i demand to ensure [their]2010-the kids safety should be unreasonable , and [she]802-stupid woman ’d better accept that . “ Come on . [You]2473-you need to eat . ”[802-stupid woman] [I]0-i snap [her]802-stupid woman visor down and plant a kiss on it before helping [her]802-stupid woman onto [the bike]2452-the bike . Chapter 21 [I]0-i take [her]802-stupid woman to a small bistro not far from [[our]808-our health club]809-our health club . [She]802-stupid woman ’s obsessed with the eggs [Benedict]102-benedict here , has been for years . So that ’s what [I]0-i ordered [her]802-stupid woman . But [she]802-stupid woman ’s hardly touched a damn thing , picking and poking at the food on [her]802-stupid woman plate . “ Eat , ”[0-i] [I]0-i demand . [I]802-stupid woman ’m really not hungry . ”[802-stupid woman] [She]802-stupid woman drops [her]802-stupid woman fork and pushes [her]802-stupid woman full plate away before falling back on the chair . [My]0-i lips twist in displeasure . [I]0-i ’ll force - feed [her]802-stupid woman if [I]0-i have to . [I]0-i do n’t care where [we]808-our are . “ Here . ”[0-i] [I]0-i grab [her]802-stupid woman fork and load it with some egg , holding it across the table to [her]802-stupid woman . “ Eat . ”[802-stupid woman] Eyes sulky , [her]802-stupid woman jaw tight , [she]802-stupid woman moves back some more . [I]802-stupid woman ’m not hungry . ”[802-stupid woman] “ And [I]0-i ’m not in the mood for [your]0-i defiance . ”[0-i] [My]0-i head cocks in warning . “ Eat . ”[0-i] “ No . ”[802-stupid woman] “ God damn it , [Ava]238-ava , [you]0-i need to keep up [your]0-i energy . ”[0-i] [I]0-i make a racket scraping [my]0-i chair across the floor with [me]0-i still sitting in it , so [I]0-i ’m beside [her]802-stupid woman , closer , ready to pry [her]802-stupid woman tight lips open to get this food inside [her]802-stupid woman . “ Why ? To deal with [your]0-i unreasonable arse ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i ’d laugh if [I]0-i was n’t so fucking livid . “ Do n’t make [me]0-i ask [you]0-i again . ”[0-i] [I]0-i can feel [myself]0-i starting to twitch in [my]0-i seat . Today started so well , and now [she]802-stupid woman ’s ruining it with something so silly as refusing to eat . Why ca n’t [she]802-stupid woman just fucking behave ? “ What are [you]0-i gon na do ? Give [me]802-stupid woman the countdown ? ”[802-stupid woman] [She]802-stupid woman blinks a few times , and then frowns . “ Yes , [I]0-i would , ”[0-i] [I]0-i confirm , and [she]802-stupid woman snorts indignantly . [I]0-i drop [my]0-i head , trying to cool the building irritation . [Jesus]26-maddie , [I]0-i ’m getting too old for this shit . [She]802-stupid woman ’s being defiant for the sake of it , to prove a point . [Ava]238-ava . ”[802-stupid woman] [I]0-i look at [her]802-stupid woman , ready to off - load every detail of [her]802-stupid woman punishment when [she]802-stupid woman ’s well , but [my]0-i intended threats all die on [my]0-i tongue when [I]0-i spot something over [the road]2159-the road . [I]0-i crane [my]0-i neck , zooming in . [John]60-jacob ’s sitting outside a café up [the street]236-the street . [He]812-his must be taking a break from [the club]2003-the club . [I]0-i toss a few twenties on the table and claim a bewildered [Ava]238-ava from [her]238-ava chair . “ This time , [you]238-ava got off . It wo n’t happen again . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i walk [us]814-us toward [[my]0-i bike]222-my bike . “ Wait here for [me]0-i . ”[0-i] “ Why , where are [you]238-ava going ? ”[238-ava] “ There ’s [someone]293-someone over there [I]0-i need to have a quick word with . Stay put . ”[0-i] [I]0-i pass [her]238-ava helmet and jog off . “ Hey , [John]60-jacob ! ”[0-i] [I]0-i call . [His]812-his body goes rigid all of a sudden . Then [he]812-his slowly looks over [his]812-his shoulder , and [I]0-i see worry on [his]812-his face . “ Everything okay ? ”[812-his] [I]0-i ask when [I]0-i make it to [him]812-his , rounding the table until [I]0-i ’m facing [him]812-his . “ Yeah . What are [you]812-his doing [here]2274-here ? ”[812-his] [He]812-his ’s shifting in [his]812-his chair , [his]812-his huge body all nervous . Something is n’t right . [I]812-his took [Ava]238-ava for lunch over [the road]2159-the road . ”[812-his] “ So where is [she]238-ava ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i take a seat , resting [my]0-i elbows on the table . “ Waiting for [me]812-his . [I]812-his just saw [Sarah]26-maddie . ”[812-his] [He]812-his slowly removes [his]812-his shades , revealing dangerous eyes . “ Tell [me]812-his [she]238-ava did n’t seek [you]26-maddie out . ”[812-his] [His]812-his nerves are gone , and now anger is apparent , [his]812-his eyes blazing . It makes [me]0-i smile on the inside , [his]812-his loyalty and worry never faltering . [We]2477-we bumped into [her]238-ava in [a coffee shop]2478-a coffee shop . ”[812-his] [We]2477-we ? ”[0-i] “ Yes , [me]0-i and [Ava]238-ava . Of course , [[my]0-i wife]64-my wife did n’t recognize [her]64-my wife until [Sarah]26-maddie introduced [herself]64-my wife . ”[0-i] [My]0-i mouth twists , as does [John]60-jacob ’s . [You]816-you did n’t tell [her]64-my wife about [Ava]238-ava ’s accident ? ”[0-i] “ Not [my]0-i news to tell . [You]816-you know [that woman]64-my wife . Give [her]64-my wife an inch … ”[0-i] [I]0-i laugh under [my]0-i breath . Sometimes [you]816-you did n’t even have to give [her]60-jacob an inch . [I]0-i gave [her]60-jacob nothing , and [she]60-jacob took a mile . Hundreds of them , in fact . “ Well , [she]60-jacob knows something is amiss , so expect to be questioned . ”[60-jacob] [John]60-jacob tosses [his]817-his glasses on the table , annoyed . “ And what do [you]816-you want [me]60-jacob to tell [her]60-jacob ? ”[60-jacob] “ To stay away , ”[0-i] [I]0-i reply . [I]60-jacob do n’t care what else [you]816-you tell [her]60-jacob , but enforce that bit . ”[60-jacob] [John]60-jacob nods , and then looks past [my]0-i shoulder , prompting [me]0-i to look , too . [Ava]238-ava is approaching , [her]238-ava limp now worse . Guilt racks [me]0-i . [You]816-you ’d better go , ”[60-jacob] [John]60-jacob says . [Anyone]305-anyone would think [you]816-you ’re trying to get rid of [me]60-jacob . ”[60-jacob] [I]0-i push [myself]0-i up from the seat and turn toward [Ava]238-ava when [she]238-ava makes it to [us]818-us . [I]238-ava ’m sorry , [baby]238-ava . [I]238-ava ’m just coming . ”[238-ava] “ How are [you]238-ava doing , [girl]238-ava ? ”[60-jacob] [John]60-jacob asks . [She]238-ava does n’t answer , just moves closer to [my]0-i side and looks up at [me]0-i , searching for … [I]0-i do n’t know . Then it occurs to [me]0-i . Of course . “ This is [John]60-jacob , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say , motioning to [his]2143-uncle carmichael massive body in the small metal chair . [He]2143-uncle carmichael ’s [[my]0-i oldest friend]2143-uncle carmichael . [He]2143-uncle carmichael works at [the club]2003-the club . ”[0-i] “ Nice to meet [you]2143-uncle carmichael . ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava words are quiet , tinged with an awkwardness that [John]60-jacob does n’t miss , and [I]0-i feel [her]238-ava flinch beside [me]0-i . [I]0-i look down and search [her]238-ava face . [She]238-ava looks a bit spaced out . And tired . So tired . [I]0-i need to get [Ava]238-ava [home]201-home . ”[0-i] [I]0-i wrap an arm around [her]238-ava shoulders and start leading [her]238-ava away . “ Everything ticking over okay at [the club]2003-the club ? ”[0-i] “ S’all good . ”[820-his] [He]820-his slips [his]820-his shades back on , and [I]0-i realize [I]0-i never did ask what [he]820-his ’s doing sitting outside a café on [his]820-his own . And with no drink ? [I]0-i ’m about to ask when [a woman]821-a woman comes breezing out of the café with a tray , heading straight toward [[my]0-i friend]2060-my friend . [John]60-jacob shoots to [his]820-his feet , pulling out the chair opposite [him]820-his . “ Oh , thank [you]821-a woman , ”[60-jacob] [the woman gushes]821-a woman , flashing [him]820-his a bright smile as [she]821-a woman takes [her]821-a woman seat . [They]2484-they did n’t have lemon cake , so [I]821-a woman got [you]821-a woman scones . ”[821-a woman] [Her]821-a woman hair is a vivid shade of pink and pinned up wildly , [her]821-a woman skirt long and floaty , [her]821-a woman chunky - knit cardigan oversized . [She]821-a woman looks perhaps early sixties , [her]821-a woman face bright and cheery . [I]0-i now notice the café , too . It ’s quaint , the tables old , distressed wood , the chairs industrial . And a little tin plant pot sits in the center of the table with [heather]103-heather bursting out of the top . How romantic . “ Thank [you]821-a woman . ”[60-jacob] [John]60-jacob smiles , too , a big gold - toothed smile . What is this ? Is what [I]0-i think is happening actually happening ? [I]0-i take in the scene : [him]820-his … and [a woman]821-a woman . [I]0-i have never , not ever , seen the big bloke with [a lady]821-a woman . Ever . [I]0-i can feel [the big kid]824-the big kid in [me]0-i rising to the surface , [my]0-i need to tease [him]824-the big kid strong . [He]824-the big kid ’ll probably slug [me]0-i one on the chin , but … [Jesse]454-jesse ? ”[824-the big kid] [Ava]238-ava tugs on [my]0-i arm . “ What ’s wrong ? ”[238-ava] “ Nothing ’s wrong , ”[0-i] [I]0-i tell [her]238-ava , guiding [her]238-ava back toward the table . “ But [I]238-ava ’m probably going to be launched into orbit by [John]60-jacob ’s fist . ”[238-ava] [My]0-i smile ’s so big it hurts . “ Why ? ”[238-ava] “ Because [he]824-the big kid ’s with [a woman]51-joseph . ”[238-ava] “ That ’s not [[his]824-the big kid wife]51-joseph ? ”[238-ava] “ Oh no . ”[0-i] [I]0-i laugh . [He]824-the big kid ’s never had one of those . [No woman]51-joseph , in fact . Hey , [big man]361-big man , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say chirpily when [we]825-his arrive by [their]825-his table . [He]825-his grunts , reaching for [his]825-his wraparounds and pulling them from [his]825-his face again , giving [me]0-i clear sight of [his]825-his eyes and indication of [his]825-his mood : prickly . [You]361-big man going to introduce [us]825-his to [[your]361-big man friend]26-maddie ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i cast [my]0-i friendly , way - over - the - top smile onto [[his]825-his companion]26-maddie . [I]0-i ’m [Jesse]454-jesse . ”[0-i] [I]0-i extend [my]0-i hand , and [she]827-she ’s quick to stand and take it . “ Oh , [I]827-she ’ve heard a lot about [you]827-she . ”[827-she] [She]827-she shakes enthusiastically , [her]827-she spare hand cupping [our]828-our joined hands . [I]827-she ’m [Elsie]32-mum . ”[827-she] “ What a pleasure , [Elsie]32-mum . [Any friend of [John]60-jacob ’s is [a friend of [mine]0-i]2487-any friend of john ’s is a friend of mine]2487-any friend of john ’s is a friend of mine . This is [[my]32-mum wife]32-mum , [Ava]238-ava . ”[32-mum] Releasing [Elsie]32-mum ’s hand , [I]0-i pull [Ava]238-ava in some more as [she]32-mum smiles a small smile at [Elsie]32-mum . “ Nice to meet [you]32-mum . ”[32-mum] The sympathetic look on [Elsie]32-mum ’s face tells [me]0-i [she]32-mum knows [Ava]238-ava ’s situation . “ And [you]32-mum , [Ava]238-ava . ”[32-mum] “ So how did [you]32-mum two meet ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i ask , getting a glimpse of [John]60-jacob ’s gold tooth on [his]829-his snarl . [I]0-i ’ve never seen [the big guy]2060-my friend so hostile . And nervous . It ’s a novelty . “ Oh . ”[32-mum] [Elsie]32-mum giggles and takes [her]32-mum seat , reaching across the table and patting [John]60-jacob ’s hand . [The big man]2060-my friend is shrinking in [his]2060-my friend chair , and that just ramps up [my]0-i curiosity . [I]2060-my friend swore [I]2060-my friend ’d never go on one of those dating website things , but [I]2060-my friend ’m glad [[my]2060-my friend friend]2060-my friend talked [me]2060-my friend into it , else [I]2060-my friend would never have met [John]60-jacob . ”[2060-my friend] [I]0-i swallow , nearly taking [my]0-i tongue with it . “ A dating website ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i splutter . [John]60-jacob refuses to look at [me]0-i . [You]60-jacob never said . ”[60-jacob] Slowly , [his]2060-my friend gaze lands on [me]0-i with evil intentions . [He]2060-my friend does n’t have to speak a word . [I]0-i ’m copping it as soon as [Elsie]32-mum is out of the way . [I]0-i can see a million threats in [his]2060-my friend narrowed eyes , all aimed at [me]0-i . [Ava]238-ava must sense [his]2060-my friend animosity , because [she]238-ava starts tugging [my]0-i hand . “ Let ’s leave [them]2488-them to it . ”[238-ava] “ Thank [you]60-jacob , [girl]60-jacob , ”[60-jacob] [John]60-jacob rumbles , eyes still on [me]0-i . [His]2060-my friend are dangerous . [Mine]0-i are dancing . [We]2489-we ’ll join [you]60-jacob for a coffee . ”[0-i] [I]0-i pull out a chair for [Ava]238-ava , having way too much fun watching [the impenetrable big man]831-the impenetrable big man squirm in [his]831-the impenetrable big man seat . [You]60-jacob do n’t mind , do [you]60-jacob , [Elsie]32-mum ? ”[831-the impenetrable big man] “ Of course not ! ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava moves [her]238-ava patchwork purse off the table . “ How lovely to get to know some of [[John]60-jacob ’s friends]2490-john ’s friends . ”[238-ava] The way [John]60-jacob ’s looking at [me]0-i , [I]0-i can tell [he]831-the impenetrable big man ’s planning [my]0-i demise . It ’ll be slow and painful . And it does n’t put [me]0-i off one little bit . [I]0-i encourage [Ava]238-ava down into the chair , but [she]238-ava resists , somewhat reluctant . Maybe [Elsie]32-mum senses it , too , because [she]238-ava hops in and takes [Ava]238-ava ’s hand . [I]238-ava was saying to [John]60-jacob , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava begins , smiling across the table at [him]831-the impenetrable big man . [I]238-ava own a well - being center . Meditation , yoga , that kind of thing . It might help [you]60-jacob , [Ava]238-ava . To relax the mind and find some inner calm during this difficult time . ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava friendly face softens even more on [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie . [I]0-i hope [you]60-jacob do n’t mind [me]0-i saying so . ”[0-i] [I]0-i nod thoughtfully to [myself]0-i . [Elsie]32-mum looks like the bohemian type — all mind , body , and soul . But the only relaxing [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie needs to do should involve [me]0-i . “ That ’s — ”[26-maddie] [You]60-jacob really think so ? ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava interrupts . “ Because therapy is n’t doing a thing . ”[238-ava] “ Why , yes ! ”[32-mum] [Elsie]32-mum looks excited by the prospect of helping [Ava]238-ava . “ Meditation could be the perfect way to untangle all those thoughts and let the memories flow again . [You]60-jacob should try it . ”[32-mum] [Ava]238-ava looks up at [me]0-i , hopeful , maybe even as excited as [Elsie]32-mum at the prospect . [We]833-we have [yoga teachers at [the club]2003-the club]834-yoga teachers at the club . If [she]32-mum really wants to try it , then [I]0-i ’ll get [her]32-mum on one of the classes . No sweat . [We]833-we ’ll look into it , ”[0-i] [I]0-i assure [her]32-mum , returning [my]0-i attention to [John]60-jacob , keen to get some more squirming out of [him]836-his . “ So , a dating website , huh ? ”[836-his] Slowly , purposely slowly , [he]836-his takes [his]836-his shades to [his]836-his face and covers [his]836-his fuck - [you]837-you glare . “ Have n’t [you]837-you got somewhere to be ? ”[836-his] “ Nope . ”[0-i] [I]0-i raise [my]0-i hand to signal [the waitress]838-the waitress , looking to [Elsie]32-mum . “ Which site did [you]837-you find [him]836-his on , [Elsie]32-mum ? Date a [Moody Bastard]105-moody bastard ? Free to [a Good Home]2491-a good home ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i chuckle when [Ava]238-ava smacks [my]0-i arm , and [Elsie]32-mum giggles , too . “ It was Twilight Love , actually . ”[32-mum] Reaching across the table for [his]836-his hand , [she]32-mum squeezes it affectionately . [I]32-mum knew the moment [I]32-mum saw [his]836-his profile picture that there was cotton wool under all that steel . And [I]32-mum was right . ”[32-mum] “ Awwww . ”[0-i] [I]0-i place [my]0-i hand over [my]0-i heart and turn gooey eyes onto [John]60-jacob . [You]60-jacob big softy , [you]60-jacob . ”[836-his] [He]836-his ’s going to lay [me]0-i out soon . [We]2492-we should go , ”[836-his] [Ava]238-ava says sternly , sensing the killer vibes emanating from [John]60-jacob ’s big black body . [She]32-mum gives [me]0-i a warning look to [rival John]60-jacob ’s . [I]32-mum ’m tired , [Jesse]454-jesse . ”[32-mum] Just like that , [I]0-i ’m snapped out of [my]0-i teasing mood . What am [I]0-i thinking ? [She]32-mum ’s exhausted . Shit . [We]2492-we ’ll leave [you]454-jesse two to it , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say , scanning [Ava]238-ava up and down . “ Good - bye , ”[60-jacob] [John]60-jacob grunts . “ It was lovely to meet [you]454-jesse , [Elsie]32-mum . ”[60-jacob] [Ava]238-ava pushes a smile through [her]238-ava exhaustion . “ And thank [you]454-jesse for [your]454-jesse offer . [I]238-ava ’ll think about it . ”[238-ava] “ Of course . [John]60-jacob will give [you]454-jesse [my]839-my number if [you]454-jesse decide [you]454-jesse ’d like to try it . ”[839-my] As [we]839-my wander over to [the bike]2452-the bike , [Ava]238-ava looks up at [me]0-i , and [I]0-i just know what ’s coming . [I]0-i think [I]0-i ’d like to try yoga . ”[0-i] [We]841-we ’ll talk about it when [you]454-jesse ’re not so tired . ”[0-i] [I]0-i brush off [her]238-ava statement for now . [We]841-we ’ve argued enough today . Chapter 22 When [we]841-we get [home]201-home , [Ava]238-ava does n’t head [upstairs]589-upstairs to take a nap . Instead , [she]238-ava goes straight to [the kitchen]228-the kitchen and starts pulling open doors and drawers . [I]0-i stand at the door watching [her]238-ava , unsure as to whether [I]0-i should step in . [I]0-i know exactly what [she]238-ava ’s doing . Since [we]841-we saw [Sarah]26-maddie , [she]238-ava ’s been visibly more stressed , swaying between worry and anger , and [I]0-i can see [her]238-ava mind racing . “ How am [I]238-ava supposed to recognize [a woman who tried to steal [[my]238-ava husband]454-jesse if [I]238-ava do n’t even know where [we]841-we keep the fucking mugs]2493-a woman who tried to steal my husband if i do n’t even know where we keep the fucking mugs ? ”[238-ava] A door slams , and [she]238-ava stills , though [her]238-ava body is rolling , fired up by [her]238-ava anger . “ The mugs are in the top left - hand cupboard , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say quietly . “ The plates in the bottom right - hand one . The knives and forks are in the drawer under the hob , and the breakfast cereals are in the pantry cupboard . In the morning , after [I]0-i ’ve made love to [you]26-maddie , [you]26-maddie come down and put on the coffee machine . Then [you]26-maddie take a shower and get ready while it brews . [You]26-maddie put a load of washing on around eight , and [you]26-maddie make [the kids]2010-the kids ’ lunches . [You]26-maddie rub moisturizer cream into [your]26-maddie hands every time [you]26-maddie get them wet , and [you]26-maddie always put the dishwasher on before [you]26-maddie leave to take [the kids]2010-the kids to [school]2011-school and go to work . After dinner , [you]26-maddie let [me]0-i tidy up . That ’s [my]0-i job . To load the dishwasher while [you]26-maddie help [the kids]2010-the kids with [their]2010-the kids homework . And when [we]2497-we ’re done , [we]2497-we snuggle on the couch and watch some TV before [you]26-maddie load the coffee machine for the morning and get [the kids]2010-the kids ’ cereals laid out ready for when [they]2010-the kids ’re up . Then [I]0-i carry [you]26-maddie to bed and make love to [you]26-maddie . ”[0-i] [I]0-i pause for a beat , finding it so hard to say such simple things without letting [my]0-i voice crack . [You]26-maddie fall asleep on [my]0-i chest . [I]0-i know if something is on [your]26-maddie mind because [you]26-maddie ’re restless . Mostly , [you]26-maddie do n’t move from [my]0-i chest all night . And when [you]26-maddie wake up , [you]26-maddie roll off [me]0-i and [I]0-i spoon [you]26-maddie , waiting for [you]26-maddie to push [your]26-maddie arse into [me]0-i . Waiting for [you]26-maddie to tell [me]0-i [you]26-maddie ’re ready to be woken up with some sleepy sex . And then [we]2498-we start all over again . ”[0-i] [I]0-i swallow and bite down on [my]0-i back teeth , [my]0-i devastation returning tenfold . All those simple things . Gone . [Ava]238-ava slowly turns , and [I]0-i see the river of tears pouring down [her]238-ava distraught , beautiful face . [I]238-ava want to do it all . All those things . [I]238-ava want to do them all . [I]238-ava want [my]238-ava life back . With [you]238-ava . With [the kids]2010-the kids . ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava voice is becoming distressed , and [she]238-ava takes the side of [the worktop]845-the worktop to hold [herself]238-ava up . [I]0-i ’m across [the kitchen]228-the kitchen and hugging [her]238-ava to [me]0-i before [I]0-i have a chance to think , letting [her]238-ava cry [her]238-ava despair into [my]0-i T - shirt . [My]0-i own tears tumble into [her]238-ava hair , [our]847-our reality too much for [both of [us]847-our]461-both of us . All [I]0-i can do is hold [her]238-ava . Be there for [her]238-ava . Love [her]238-ava . And all [she]238-ava can do is depend on [me]0-i for … everything . “ Will [you]2500-you do something for [me]238-ava ? ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava whispers into the material of [my]0-i T - shirt . Stupid question . “ Anything . ”[238-ava] “ Will [you]2500-you show [me]0-i [our]847-our wedding pictures again ? Will [you]2500-you tell [me]0-i who all [the people]2501-the people are ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i stall answering , but only because [I]0-i do n’t know if [I]0-i could take [her]238-ava breaking down some more . Seeing [her]238-ava so hopeless and fraught is soul crushing . “ Sure , ”[0-i] [I]0-i answer , knowing [I]0-i ca n’t deny [her]238-ava that . “ Want to do it now ? ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava fists the material of [my]0-i T - shirt , breathing in as [she]238-ava looks up at [me]0-i . [Her]238-ava eyes . [Her]238-ava gorgeous dark brown eyes are welling , and [I]0-i reach up to wipe under [them]849-them . “ Please . ”[0-i] “ Come on . ”[0-i] [I]0-i lift [her]238-ava from [her]238-ava feet and gently help [her]238-ava get [her]238-ava legs around [my]0-i waist . “ Comfy ? ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava answer is [her]238-ava face in [my]0-i neck and [her]238-ava arms circling [my]0-i shoulders tightly . Walking [us]850-our to [the study]851-the study , [I]0-i place [her]238-ava down on the couch and plump a cushion for [her]238-ava , helping [her]238-ava to get comfortable . [Her]238-ava small smile of thanks should please [me]0-i . It does n’t . It hurts , because [she]238-ava should never have to thank [me]0-i for being [[her]238-ava husband]26-maddie . [I]0-i wander over to fetch the laptop and settle beside [her]238-ava , whirling [my]0-i fingertip across the mouse pad . The screen comes to life , and [I]0-i click the file for [our]850-our wedding shots . A massive smile immediately spreads wide across [my]0-i face . “ Look how beautiful [you]2502-you are . ”[0-i] So much fucking lace , [I]0-i did n’t know whether to worship [her]238-ava or rip it all off . “ Do [you]2502-you know how hard it was for [me]0-i to keep [myself]0-i under control that day ? ”[0-i] “ Well , no , since [I]238-ava ca n’t remember a stupid … wait , are those handcuffs around [our]850-our wrists ? ”[238-ava] Edging forward in [her]238-ava seat , [she]238-ava gets up close and personal with the screen . [They]2503-they are . [They]2503-they ’re bloody handcuffs ! ”[0-i] [I]0-i smile , smug . [[Your]424-elizabeth mother]424-elizabeth was n’t best pleased . ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava snorts , obviously imagining [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth ’s reaction . [I]238-ava ca n’t believe [you]424-elizabeth handcuffed [me]238-ava on [our]850-our wedding day . ”[238-ava] “ Believe it . ”[0-i] [I]0-i point to the screen . “ Hard evidence right there . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava ’s silent for a moment , observing as [she]238-ava relaxes into [my]0-i side , [her]238-ava palm lying on [my]0-i bicep . “ Just tell [me]238-ava one thing . ”[238-ava] “ What ? ”[238-ava] “ Are [you]424-elizabeth older than [[my]238-ava mother]424-elizabeth ? ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava looks up at [me]0-i seriously . Is [she]238-ava fucking kidding [me]0-i ? If [I]0-i did n’t have a computer on [my]0-i lap and [her]238-ava tucked into [my]0-i side , [I]0-i ’d drop to the carpet and smash out fifty press - ups . Older than [[her]238-ava mother]194-kate ? “ Do [I]194-kate look older than [[your]194-kate fucking mother]194-kate ? ”[194-kate] The nerve . [I]0-i feel a stressed sweat coming on . How old does [she]194-kate think [I]0-i am ? “ Well , [Mum]32-mum ’s early forties . [I]194-kate ’m guessing [you]194-kate ’re there or thereabouts . ”[194-kate] It takes [me]0-i a few seconds to process [her]194-kate words , and then [I]0-i realize … “Ava , [[your]194-kate mother]194-kate is sixty . ”[0-i] Relief sends [me]0-i dizzy . In [her]194-kate head , [[her]194-kate parents]2182-her parents are the same age [they]2182-her parents were in [her]194-kate last memory , and [her]194-kate last memory was when [she]194-kate was in [her]194-kate early twenties . [You]194-kate ’re not in [your]194-kate early twenties anymore , [baby]194-kate . ”[194-kate] “ Oh yeah , ”[194-kate] [she]194-kate whispers , looking down at [her]194-kate stomach , remembering the stretch marks that tell [her]194-kate [she]194-kate ’s [a mother]2287-a mother , then to the boobs [she]194-kate ’s clearly not happy with . “ Look . ”[0-i] [I]0-i gently nudge [her]194-kate with [my]0-i elbow before [she]194-kate falls into despondency , pointing at the screen . [You]194-kate know who that is . ”[194-kate] [Kate]194-kate . [She]194-kate looks a bit miserable . ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava ’s right . [She]194-kate looks like [she]194-kate ’s licking piss off a stinging nettle . Then [I]0-i notice [Dan]106-dan and [Sam]50-sam in the background . And [I]0-i remember . [She]194-kate and [Sam]50-sam were n’t talking , ”[0-i] [I]0-i tell [her]194-kate . [Sam]50-sam ? ”[194-kate] [she]194-kate questions , but then quickly holds up [her]194-kate hand to halt [my]0-i explanation . [[Kate]194-kate ’s boyfriend]2086-kate ’s boyfriend ! ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate sounds almost excited . [Kate]194-kate told [me]194-kate all about [him]2086-kate ’s boyfriend in [the hospital]384-the hospital . [I]194-kate can not believe [she]194-kate ’s pregnant ! ”[194-kate] “ That ’s right . ”[0-i] [I]0-i smile down at [her]194-kate gleaming eyes and then continue to walk [her]194-kate through [all the guests at [our]857-our wedding]856-all the guests at our wedding . It ’s a lot to absorb , but [she]194-kate seems to take it in stride . “ And this is [Georgia]58-georgia , ”[194-kate] [I]0-i continue when [we]857-our ’re past the wedding shots . [Raya]54-raya ’s and [[Drew]53-drew ’s daughter]2086-kate ’s boyfriend ? ”[0-i] [Drew]53-drew ’s [[her]2086-kate ’s boyfriend father]2507-her father , yes . [He]2507-her father ’s recently asked [Raya]54-raya to marry [him]2507-her father . But [[Georgia]58-georgia ’s [mother]2086-kate ’s boyfriend]2086-kate ’s boyfriend ’s name is [Coral]107-coral . ”[0-i] [I]0-i pause a beat , maybe thinking the name might spike something . Nothing . [Her]194-kate face is blank . [She]194-kate tricked [Drew]53-drew into getting [her]194-kate pregnant because [she]194-kate was in love with [me]194-kate and tried to pass [the baby]2508-the baby off as [mine]194-kate . ”[194-kate] [I]0-i quickly spit it all out and smile awkwardly when [Ava]238-ava swings disbelieving eyes onto [me]0-i . “ What ? ”[194-kate] [she]194-kate asks , incredulous . [We]2509-we had some real interesting times , [you]0-i and [me]194-kate . ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate ’s silent , just staring at [me]0-i with round eyes . “ How the hell did [our]2509-we relationship survive all this ? ”[194-kate] That gets [my]0-i back right up , and [my]0-i epic scowl must tell [her]194-kate so . “ Because [we]2509-we were made for each other , that ’s why . Because [I]194-kate loved [you]0-i and [you]0-i loved [me]194-kate . [We]2509-we got through so much , and more , so [I]194-kate know [we]2509-we can get through this . ”[194-kate] [You]0-i were a slut . ”[194-kate] “ Was . That changed the second [I]194-kate clapped eyes on [you]0-i . ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate sniffs , casually returning [her]194-kate attention to the screen . “ Except the time [you]0-i cheated on [me]194-kate . ”[194-kate] For the love of all things calm , [someone]293-someone help [me]0-i out ! [I]0-i breathe in and out slowly , forcing back [my]0-i barrage of blue language and the temptation to deliver one huge fuck . [I]0-i ’m not sure which one would be most suitable for sarcasm . The Punishment Fuck , maybe ? The Sense ? [I]0-i ’m pondering that with far too much energy for [a man in [my]0-i situation]859-a man in my situation , just punishing [myself]0-i as a result . [I]0-i need to pull this back to the important stuff . “ Let [me]0-i tell [you]0-i about the time [I]0-i made an [Ava]238-ava éclair out of [you]0-i . ”[0-i] [I]0-i settle a little , reliving that wonderful night . [I]0-i slathered [you]0-i in chocolate and cream and licked it off to [my]0-i heart ’s content . [You]0-i stripped for [me]0-i . It was sexy as fuck but hilarious watching [you]0-i trying to gain the upper hand . ”[0-i] [She]860-her looks up at [me]0-i with a soft smile and a hint of sadness behind [her]860-her eyes . [She]860-her wants to remember so much , and [I]0-i can see with perfect clarity that it ’s killing [her]860-her that [she]860-her ca n’t , just as much as it ’s killing [me]0-i . [You]0-i ’ve not heard the half of it , [Ava]238-ava , ”[0-i] [I]0-i tell [her]860-her . “ The things [we]2510-we ’ve done , the times [we]2510-we ’ve had . So many amazing memories . ”[0-i] [I]860-her know . ”[860-her] [Her]860-her hand reaches for [my]0-i face and cups [my]0-i cheek , smoothing down [my]0-i bristle . “ And even if [I]860-her ca n’t remember them right now , [I]860-her love hearing [you]860-her tell [our]2510-we story . ”[860-her] [She]860-her smiles . “ Most of it , anyway . ”[860-her] [I]0-i close [my]0-i eyes and nuzzle a little into [her]860-her palm , kissing the center . [I]0-i do n’t want to get ahead of [myself]0-i , but [I]0-i feel like [she]860-her ’s falling for [me]0-i all over again . For the most part , being with [each other]2249-each other today has been so easy and natural . Even the silly squabbles are [us]862-us . [Her]860-her reactions to [me]0-i , in every way , are perfectly [Ava]238-ava and perfectly [us]862-us . [I]0-i ask [myself]0-i if [I]0-i would be satisfied with only finding [her]860-her love again . Would it be enough without [her]860-her memories ? Of course , [I]0-i ’d make it enough . But part of [our]862-us connection is everything [we]862-us ’ve shared since [we]862-us met . The things that made [us]862-us stronger . But it is n’t just about the things that brought [us]862-us closer and made [us]862-us stronger . It ’s not just about piecing all that together for [her]860-her and for [me]0-i . There ’s one thing that [she]860-her just has to remember . Or two things . [Maddie]26-maddie and [Jacob]60-jacob . [I]0-i ca n’t let those memories fade , no matter how many more [we]862-us ’ll create . [She]860-her has to have all of [their]862-us years back . [She]860-her just has to . [My]0-i phone rings and [Ava]238-ava reaches for it . [Jacob]60-jacob ’s FaceTiming [me]0-i , and as [Ava]238-ava stares down at [his]60-jacob gorgeous face on [my]0-i screen , [I]0-i do n’t have the faintest idea what to do . [I]0-i do n’t want to upset [[my]0-i boy]240-my boy and [I]0-i do n’t want to upset [Ava]238-ava . [I]0-i ’ve spoken to [the kids]2010-the kids twice every day , but only when [Ava]238-ava has been in the shower . “ How come [I]860-her can see [his]240-my boy face ? ”[860-her] [she]860-her asks , and [I]0-i stall , confused for a moment . Then [I]0-i remember that [[my]0-i girl]245-my girl is n’t just missing sixteen years of memories . [She]245-my girl ’s missing sixteen years of technology advancement . “ It ’s FaceTime . Like a video call . ”[245-my girl] “ Oh . ”[245-my girl] [Her]245-my girl bottom lip disappears between [her]245-my girl teeth . [You]245-my girl should answer , ”[860-her] [she]860-her says , handing [me]0-i [my]0-i ringing phone . [I]0-i want to see [them]2511-them . ”[0-i] [I]0-i ’m stunned . Happy but wary . “ Are [you]245-my girl sure ? ”[0-i] “ Yes . ”[860-her] [She]860-her thrusts the phone at [me]0-i . “ Answer . ”[860-her] [I]0-i do n’t want to upset [them]261-my kids , [Ava]238-ava , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say , hating [myself]0-i for it . If [I]0-i protect [[my]0-i kids]261-my kids , [I]0-i hurt [Ava]238-ava . [I]0-i ca n’t win this one . The phone rings off , and sad eyes glance up at [my]0-i useless form . “ Please . ”[860-her] [She]860-her ’s begging , and it ’s like a knife through [my]0-i heart . [I]860-her need to see [them]261-my kids . To speak to [them]261-my kids . ”[860-her] [She]860-her swallows , shaking [her]860-her head to [herself]860-her . [I]0-i know there ’s a part of [her]860-her missing so much more than [her]860-her memories and [me]0-i . [She]860-her ’s spent countless hours in [[their]867-their bedrooms]868-their bedrooms , just lying on [their]867-their beds , hoping it ’ll spike something . Maybe [I]0-i was wrong to send [them]867-their away . “ It ’s an ache in here . ”[0-i] Reaching up to [her]860-her chest , [she]860-her flattens [her]860-her palm over [her]860-her heart , and [her]860-her wedding ring sparkles at [me]0-i . “ Today has been wonderful , and it would finish it off perfectly if [I]860-her could see [them]867-their . ”[860-her] [My]0-i throat clogs with guilt , sadness , and too many other emotions to swallow down at once . How can [I]0-i refuse [her]860-her ? [I]0-i take the phone from [her]860-her hand and dial [Jacob]60-jacob , forcing back any signs of apprehension . [I]0-i sit back on the couch and encourage [Ava]238-ava to come close as it rings and connects . And then [he]60-jacob ’s there . [[My]0-i boy]240-my boy . [His]240-my boy hair is damp and [he]60-jacob ’s in a wetsuit . “ Hey , [buddy]240-my boy . ”[240-my boy] [His]240-my boy face is halfway between excitement and uncertainty . [Mum]32-mum ? ”[240-my boy] “ Hey , ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava chirps , genuinely happy . [She]238-ava can see [[her]238-ava boy]240-my boy ’s unease , and instinct is telling [her]238-ava to right it . [My]0-i fucking heart booms in [my]0-i chest . There ’s a few bangs in the background , a door , [I]0-i think , and [Jacob]60-jacob is suddenly ambushed by [[his]60-jacob sister]2209-his sister . “ Is [Mum]32-mum there ? ”[26-maddie] [Maddie]26-maddie asks , a little frantic as [she]26-maddie appears on the screen with [Jacob]60-jacob . [Mum]32-mum ! ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie has no unease , just pure excitement . [Ava]238-ava leans forward to get closer , touching the screen with [her]26-maddie fingertip . “ How are [you]26-maddie two ? Having fun with [Nan]26-maddie and [Pap]85-pap ? ”[238-ava] [We]26-maddie ’ve been surfing , ”[26-maddie] [Maddie]26-maddie tells [her]26-maddie enthusiastically . “ Well , [me]238-ava and [Jacob]60-jacob did . [Pap]85-pap stuck to [the boogie board]2512-the boogie board . ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava laughs , and , [God]373-god , [I]0-i could cry . [Mum]32-mum , did [you]26-maddie get [your]26-maddie memory back ? ”[373-god] [Maddie]26-maddie , bored of surf talk , asks the question [I]0-i knew [she]26-maddie would , while [Jacob]60-jacob would only think it . [Ava]238-ava smiles . [We]2513-we ’ve made progress . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie looks up at [me]0-i . “ Have n’t [we]2513-we , [Dad]1256-dad ? ”[26-maddie] [Her]26-maddie look suggests [I]0-i should pull it together . [I]0-i quickly brush at [my]0-i eyes and clear [my]0-i throat . “ Great progress , ”[0-i] [I]0-i confirm . “ Tell [us]2513-we what [you]0-i ’re doing , ”[60-jacob] [Jacob]60-jacob pipes up . [[Your]0-i dad]1256-dad took [me]238-ava out on [his]1256-dad bike today , ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava begins . [We]2513-we had a walk in [the park]2459-the park , stopped at a café , and ate [my]238-ava favorite for lunch . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava smiles , and [I]0-i resist the urge to remind [her]238-ava that [she]238-ava did n’t actually eat [her]238-ava favorite lunch . “ Now [we]2513-we ’re looking at pictures from [our]2513-we wedding . ”[238-ava] “ And do [you]26-maddie remember any of it ? ”[26-maddie] [Maddie]26-maddie ’s dark brown eyes , a mirror image of [[her]238-ava mother]2287-a mother ’s , glimmer with so much hope , [I]0-i just ca n’t see it dashed . “ There have been some things , yes , ”[0-i] [I]0-i jump in , putting [my]0-i arm around [Ava]238-ava ’s shoulders and squeezing [her]2287-a mother closer . “ Like [[your]26-maddie mum]2287-a mother knows things , but [she]2287-a mother ’s not quite sure how [she]2287-a mother knows [them]2287-a mother . ”[0-i] “ Like what ? ”[60-jacob] [Jacob]60-jacob asks . “ Like [I]238-ava knew how to ride on the back of [Dad]1256-dad ’s bike . But [I]238-ava do n’t ever remember riding a bike before today . How cool is that ? ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava claps [her]238-ava hands excitedly . All [I]0-i can see is sincerity in [her]238-ava . Nothing but [a mother]2287-a mother ’s desire to make sure [[her]238-ava kids]872-her kids are happy and reassured , no matter what . [Her]238-ava way with [them]872-her kids , even if [she]238-ava has no idea , is [Ava]238-ava through and through . It ’s inside [her]238-ava , and it is n’t lost . “ Then [he]1256-dad took [me]238-ava on a romantic walk through [the park]2459-the park to where [we]2516-we had one of [our]2516-we first dates . ”[238-ava] [Both of [them]2242-both of them]2242-both of them look at each other on a roll of [their]2242-both of them eyes and mimic throwing up with [their]2242-both of them fingers in [their]2242-both of them mouths . [I]0-i laugh , as does [Ava]238-ava . “ What else did [you]238-ava remember ? ”[60-jacob] [Jacob]60-jacob presses on , done with the sloppy stuff . [I]60-jacob remember some things [[your]238-ava dad]240-my boy has said to [me]60-jacob in the past . But enough of that . How is everything there ? ”[60-jacob] [Ava]238-ava settles back on the couch and gets comfortable , chatting happily with [[our]874-our kids]327-our kids for a good ten minutes . And [I]0-i remain where [I]0-i am , content to watch [her]238-ava . [I]0-i could leave [the room]202-the room and [she]238-ava would n’t notice , and for the first time in [my]0-i life , it does n’t hurt to know [she]238-ava would n’t miss [me]0-i if [I]0-i were not [here]2274-here . When [she]238-ava ’s done , [she]238-ava blows [them]327-our kids both a kiss on a promise to call tomorrow , and sighs when [she]238-ava ’s hung up , looking down at the phone on a mild smile . It ’s a good few minutes before [she]238-ava snaps from [her]238-ava daydream and seeks [me]0-i out . [I]0-i did n’t want to say good - bye , anyway , ”[0-i] [I]0-i tease quietly . [She]238-ava laughs lightly and settles [her]238-ava head on [my]0-i chest . [I]238-ava ’m sorry . ”[238-ava] “ Never apologize for loving [[our]2518-our children]2030-our children more than [me]0-i . ”[0-i] [I]0-i realize [my]0-i error the second it ’s fallen from [my]0-i big gob . Love [me]0-i . Does [she]238-ava ? Can [she]238-ava ? Will [she]238-ava ? [I]238-ava love [you]238-ava all the same , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava argues quietly , pulling [my]0-i stare down to the back of [her]238-ava head . There ’s unmistakable uncertainty in [her]238-ava tone . [I]238-ava do n’t expect [you]238-ava to wake up from a coma with no recollection of [me]238-ava and instantly be in love with [me]238-ava , [Ava]238-ava . ”[238-ava] Never has it hurt so bad to say something . Turning onto [her]238-ava back slowly , [her]238-ava head on [my]0-i lap , [she]238-ava looks up at [me]0-i . [I]238-ava love [[our]2520-our children]2030-our children , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava tells [me]0-i , [her]238-ava hand on [her]238-ava heart . [I]238-ava can feel it in here . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i place [my]0-i hand over [hers]238-ava and squeeze , trying not to allow [myself]0-i to be disappointed . [A mother]2287-a mother ’s instinct is stronger than anything else in existence . It might hurt , but it also injects [me]0-i with more fortitude . If the next few days are anything like today , [Sarah]26-maddie aside , then [she]26-maddie ’ll be head over heels with [me]0-i in no time . [I]0-i hope . [I]0-i pray . There ’s no doubt the lust is there . [I]0-i take comfort from the fact that this is how it started for [us]879-us . That lust . That desire . The need to be all over each other . [I]0-i see it in [her]238-ava now — the restraint it ’s taking to hold back , the overwhelming urge to ravish [me]0-i . [I]0-i have to let [her]238-ava go at [her]238-ava own pace , and that pace has accelerated satisfyingly today . But [I]0-i know [she]238-ava ’s holding back , too , and [I]0-i have a feeling deep inside [me]0-i that it ’s because [she]238-ava ’s scared . [She]238-ava ’s scared of how [she]238-ava feels for [me]0-i without even really knowing [me]0-i . Just like [she]238-ava was scared all those years ago . [Ava]238-ava tries to suppress a yawn , and makes a terrible job of it . “ Time for bed . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i get to [my]0-i feet and help [her]238-ava up . [You]238-ava must be exhausted . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava lets [me]0-i lead [her]238-ava by [her]238-ava shoulders [upstairs]589-upstairs . [I]0-i smile privately , but feel a little guilt creep up on [me]0-i . [She]238-ava ’s overdoing things , and it ’s [my]0-i fault . The usual flurry of nerves descends the closer [we]881-we get to [[our]881-we bedroom]593-our bedroom . Today has been a huge step forward . Would it be too much to ask … ? “ Good night . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava turns at the door and takes the handle , biting [her]238-ava lip as [she]238-ava moves back . [I]0-i die . Over and over inside , [I]0-i die . “ Good night . ”[0-i] [I]0-i turn quickly and make [my]0-i way to [the spare room]202-the room before [she]238-ava can see the devastation on [my]0-i face . Clearly it is too much to ask . Closing the door softly behind [me]0-i , [I]0-i strip down to nothing and crawl into the unfamiliar bed . It ’s cold and lonely . [I]0-i toss and turn for hours , sleep nowhere to be found , not that it ’s much of a surprise . [I]0-i ’m about to give up and go put [myself]0-i on the couch when [I]0-i hear a stirring on the landing . Worried , [I]0-i make to get up and go check on [Ava]238-ava , but the sound of the door handle stills [me]0-i . Light creeps into [the room]202-the room through the small gap , and the silhouette of a body [I]0-i ’d recognize anywhere appears . [I]0-i slowly ease down to [my]0-i back . It ’s fucking ridiculous that [my]0-i heart starts hammering . It ’s fucking ridiculous that [I]0-i dare not move . It ’s fucking ridiculous that [I]0-i ’m nervous . [She]238-ava pads on light feet across [the room]202-the room and gently pulls back the covers a little before crawling in beside [me]0-i . [I]0-i ’m like a fucking statue , letting [her]238-ava lift [my]0-i arm so [she]238-ava can burrow into [my]0-i side . [She]238-ava settles , palm on [my]0-i pec , cheek on [my]0-i chest . It ’s one of the most beautiful moments of [my]0-i life . So simple . But so significant . [She]238-ava ca n’t sleep without [me]0-i . [I]0-i do n’t care that there ’s a barrier of lace between [us]884-us . [I]0-i do n’t care that [she]238-ava ’s technically in the wrong position . And then [she]238-ava sighs and [she]238-ava ’s on the move again , crawling onto [my]0-i chest and spreading [her]238-ava body all over [me]0-i , face in [my]0-i neck . [I]0-i smile , discreetly inhaling [her]238-ava into [me]0-i , bringing [my]0-i arm around [her]238-ava back and holding [her]238-ava to [me]0-i . Within minutes , [I]0-i hear [her]238-ava soft breathing , and only minutes after that , [my]0-i own eyes become heavy . The fact that the bed is n’t [ours]885-ours and is lumpy is inconsequential . [I]0-i could be lying on a bed of nails and be content . Because [she]238-ava ’s here . With [[her]238-ava man]886-her man . Chapter 23 [My]0-i sleepy brain is telling [me]0-i not to move , though [I]0-i ’m not sure why . [I]0-i ’m aware that [I]0-i ’m curled around [Ava]238-ava ’s body , [my]0-i front to [her]238-ava back , snug and tight . And [I]0-i ’m aware that [I]0-i slept the best [I]0-i have in over a week . [I]0-i ’m also aware of something growing between [my]0-i groin and [her]238-ava arse . That ’s why [I]0-i should n’t move . But [Ava]238-ava does n’t get the warning . [Her]238-ava body starts to stretch , and [she]238-ava groans . Oh , shit . [My]0-i muscles lock , [my]0-i body freezes , and [I]0-i hold [my]0-i breath as [she]238-ava grinds [her]238-ava arse into [me]0-i , causing all kinds of chaos in [my]0-i cock and [my]0-i head . Good God , what kind of torture is this ? Then [she]238-ava suddenly stills , [my]0-i erection wedged between [her]238-ava thighs , [my]0-i teeth grinding as [I]0-i fight [my]0-i way through the torturous sensitivity . “ Oh … , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava breathes , shimmying a little , as if [I]0-i ’m not in enough fucking pain . “ Do n’t move , [Ava]238-ava , ”[0-i] [I]0-i warn . [I]0-i ’m so fucking hard , it could break off . “ Please . ”[0-i] “ Sorry . ”[238-ava] “ So [you]2522-you should be . ”[0-i] [I]0-i need to get out of this bed before the radar on [my]0-i cock wins and finds its target . Half of [me]0-i wants it to . Actually , the best part of [me]0-i wants it to . [I]0-i could fuck [her]238-ava memory back . [I]0-i mentally slap [myself]0-i for [my]0-i unreasonable thought . But , then again , [my]0-i lack of reason is one of the things [Ava]238-ava loves about [me]0-i … right ? [Jesus]26-maddie , [Jesse]454-jesse , sort [your]454-jesse shit out . Quiet falls , and [she]238-ava waits patiently while [I]0-i focus on talking down [my]0-i wayward dick . Five minutes later , [I]0-i ’m still iron . “ It ’s no good , ”[0-i] [I]0-i finally admit . [My]0-i cock has and always will have a mind of its own where [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie is concerned . “ It wo n’t go down . ”[0-i] [I]0-i relax and squeeze [Ava]238-ava closer , hoping that restricting [the rampant little fucker]888-the rampant little fucker might help . “ It ’s okay , ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava says , surprising [me]0-i a little . It is ? What , [my]0-i dick hard , or [my]0-i dick where it is ? Just a little nudge to the left and [I]0-i ’ll be inside [her]238-ava . Would that be okay ? Shit , change the subject quickly . “ Could n’t [you]0-i sleep ? ”[238-ava] “ No . Something was n’t … ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava fades off , stilling . “ Right . ”[238-ava] “ This . [You]0-i did n’t have this . ”[0-i] [I]0-i squeeze [her]238-ava tight , and [she]238-ava nods , sighing and settling again . “ This is nice . ”[238-ava] “ It would be better if [you]0-i were naked , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say without thought , wondering just how much [I]0-i want to physically hurt [myself]0-i . “ Really ? ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava sounds truly surprised by that , and [I]0-i frown at the back of [her]238-ava head . “ Because [I]0-i had a very good look at [my]0-i body in the mirror last night , and , frankly , it is n’t pretty . ”[0-i] [My]0-i hard - on shrivels to nothing in a second as [I]0-i stare incredulously at [her]238-ava hair . “ Stretch marks , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava grumbles on . “ Saggy boobs , and what the hell happened to [my]238-ava waistline ? ”[238-ava] Is [she]238-ava playing some kind of cruel game ? “ Take that back , ”[0-i] [I]0-i all but growl in [her]238-ava hair . [I]0-i wo n’t have [her]238-ava speaking such bullshit . “ Turn over . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i bully [her]238-ava body over until [she]238-ava ’s facing [me]0-i , a little alarmed . “ Let ’s get one thing straight , [lady]238-ava . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i wave an accusing finger up and down [her]238-ava reclined body . “ All this here is [mine]0-i , and [I]0-i love it . [Your]238-ava boobs are perfect . ”[0-i] [I]0-i allow [myself]0-i a brief glimpse at the mounds beneath [her]238-ava lace negligee , [my]0-i mouth watering for a taste . [Your]238-ava waistline is perfect , and the stretch marks [you]238-ava speak of make [me]238-ava smile every day . [They]2523-them ’re part of [you]238-ava , a part of [us]2524-us . [I]238-ava love [them]2523-them , almost as much as [I]238-ava love [your]238-ava boobs , and [I]238-ava love [your]238-ava boobs a lot . A real lot . And , for the record , so do [you]238-ava . ”[238-ava] [I]238-ava do ? ”[238-ava] “ Yes , [you]238-ava do . ”[0-i] [I]0-i nod sharply . [I]0-i ’m immoral . [I]0-i do n’t care . [You]238-ava love [them]2523-them because [I]0-i love [them]2523-them . So are [we]2525-we done ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i guess so . ”[0-i] [Her]0-i eyes are wide , taken aback , though [I]0-i sense some satisfaction somewhere inside [her]0-i . [Her]0-i gaze drops down to [my]0-i stomach , [her]0-i teeth sinking into [her]0-i lip and biting down . “ What happened ? ”[0-i] [she]0-i asks , tracing a continuous line over [my]0-i stomach , brushing over both scars . [I]0-i close [my]0-i eyes and follow [my]0-i instinct , confirming what [she]0-i thinks [she]0-i knows . [I]0-i had a motorcycle accident years ago . ”[0-i] [I]0-i hate [myself]0-i for not telling [her]0-i everything , though [I]0-i ’m quick to reassure [myself]0-i that it ’s for the best . That shit could break [her]0-i right now . [I]0-i take [her]0-i hand away from [my]0-i stomach and move [her]0-i fingers to [my]0-i lips , kissing them sweetly . [I]0-i have n’t lost [my]0-i master ability to distract [[my]0-i wife]194-kate . [Her]194-kate eyes sparkle and [she]194-kate blinks rapidly . “ Turn over , ”[194-kate] [I]0-i order gently . [She]194-kate obeys without a second of hesitation , spinning over as [I]0-i grab [my]0-i phone and put [the Sonos]890-the sonos on , letting the tracks shuffle . [She]194-kate wriggles back into [my]0-i body , and [my]0-i cock springs to life again just like that . And quiet falls . And [I]0-i think about the spark of fire that [I]0-i saw in [her]194-kate eyes before [she]194-kate turned away from [me]0-i . And like an omen or something , a song that has been with [us]891-us through good times and bad drifts from the speakers . [Massive Attack]108-massive attack ’s [Angel]109-angel . ”[108-massive attack] [I]0-i stiffen , wondering if it ’ll jolt anything in [her]194-kate . [Jesse]454-jesse ? ”[194-kate] [she]194-kate says quietly , and [I]0-i hum [my]0-i acknowledgment , holding [my]0-i breath in anticipation . But [she]194-kate does n’t say anything . Instead , [she]194-kate shuffles over again and stares [me]0-i straight in the eyes . And [I]0-i see [her]194-kate . [[My]0-i wife]194-kate . The hunger for [me]0-i that [she]194-kate can never keep at bay . The urge to tackle [me]0-i and ravage [me]0-i . The visibly potent desire that [I]0-i ’m faced with daily , from the moment [she]194-kate wakes to the moment [she]194-kate falls asleep in [my]0-i arms . It ’s all staring back at [me]0-i right now , and for the first time in [our]892-our history together , [I]0-i ’m reluctant to give [her]194-kate what [she]194-kate clearly wants . What [I]0-i need . “ What ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i whisper , brushing a lock of stray hair from [her]194-kate face as the music builds and takes over . Without a word , [she]194-kate pushes [me]0-i to [my]0-i back and straddles [my]0-i stomach . [I]0-i swallow down some restraint when [her]194-kate bare arse meets [my]0-i skin , the heat of [her]194-kate core against [my]0-i flesh . [She]194-kate takes the bottom of [her]194-kate lace nightgown and pulls it up [her]194-kate body . [Ava]238-ava , what are [you]238-ava doing ? ”[194-kate] [I]0-i ask , despite desperately wanting [her]194-kate to do it . [Her]194-kate boobs spring free , heavy and swollen , and [I]0-i swallow again . [I]0-i do n’t know . ”[0-i] [She]194-kate tosses it aside and lowers [her]194-kate torso to [mine]0-i , taking [my]0-i cheeks . “ But everything is telling [me]194-kate to do it . ”[194-kate] “ Are [you]194-kate sure ? ”[110-never] [Never]110-never have those words come from [my]0-i mouth . Not ever . And [my]0-i cock is seriously throbbing in protest at [my]0-i reluctance . [Her]194-kate answer is a kiss . A gentle kiss on the corner of [my]0-i mouth . It ’s light and chaste , but the most consuming imaginable . [My]0-i hands move to [her]194-kate back and skate across [her]194-kate smooth skin , [my]0-i eyes closing in bliss . Let [her]194-kate be . Let [her]194-kate take the lead and dictate [our]893-our reunion . Relaxing into the mattress , [I]0-i open [my]0-i mouth when [she]194-kate licks the seam of [my]0-i lips , [her]194-kate tongue soft and searching . Oh God , this is heaven . Holding back is [a killer]629-a killer . Letting [her]194-kate control the pace is a battle like no other . [Her]194-kate bottom lifts from [my]0-i stomach , and [my]0-i cock springs up , skimming the heat between [her]194-kate legs . [I]0-i jump . [She]194-kate jumps . [I]0-i moan around [our]893-our kiss , and [she]194-kate swallows it on a sigh . [Her]194-kate mouth seduces [mine]0-i lazily as [she]194-kate lowers a fraction onto [my]0-i weeping , eager cock . And like [she]194-kate was made just for [me]0-i , which [she]194-kate was , [she]194-kate cushions [me]0-i perfectly , gliding down [my]0-i shaft with ease . “ Oh God , ”[194-kate] [she]194-kate breathes , and [I]0-i smile around [her]194-kate lips , thrown into bliss . The track , [our]893-our track , continues to play , building to the crescendo . “ No , [baby]194-kate . That ’s [me]194-kate . ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate jerks and flies off [my]0-i body , making [me]0-i hiss from the sudden , unexpected withdrawal . “ Fuck ! ”[194-kate] [I]0-i cup [myself]0-i , gritting [my]0-i teeth , and find [her]194-kate sitting on the edge of the bed staring at the wall . What ’s happened ? Did n’t it feel right ? [Ava]238-ava , what ’s wrong , [baby]194-kate ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i quickly shuffle to the edge of the bed and wrap an arm around [her]194-kate body , instantly getting a hint of [her]194-kate shaking form . [She]194-kate ’s trembling . [Ava]238-ava , talk to [me]194-kate , please . ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate shakes [her]194-kate head , looking up at [me]0-i with eyes that are disturbed . [I]0-i had a flashback . ”[0-i] [I]0-i try not to recoil . Is that good ? “ Of what ? ”[0-i] [I]194-kate do n’t know . ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate looks at the carpet , [her]194-kate fingers twiddling in [her]194-kate lap . “ It happened so quickly . Oh [my]194-kate God , please turn this music off . ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate looks around [the room]202-the room , as if searching for the stereo . [I]194-kate ca n’t bear it . ”[194-kate] [Her]194-kate hands cover [her]194-kate ears , and [my]0-i damn heart splits . [I]0-i quickly find [my]0-i phone and shut it off . [Rowing boats]2527-rowing boats , ”[194-kate] [she]194-kate mumbles , [her]194-kate forehead heavy . “ That track . [Your]194-kate words . [I]194-kate saw [rowing boats]2527-rowing boats . ”[194-kate] [Rowing boats]2527-rowing boats ? ”[194-kate] “ Yes . ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate gets up and starts pacing [the room]202-the room , naked as can be , though [she]194-kate ’s too preoccupied to notice , or maybe give a toss . “ Why the hell would [I]194-kate be seeing [rowing boats]2527-rowing boats ? ”[194-kate] It clicks , falls into place . [I]0-i get up and take [her]194-kate hand , leading [her]194-kate to [[our]896-our own bedroom]559-my penthouse at lusso . “ This is why . ”[0-i] [I]0-i open the bedside table drawer and pull something out , handing it to [her]194-kate . [She]194-kate glances down at the book . [Giuseppe Cavalli]111-giuseppe cavalli , ”[194-kate] [I]0-i tell [her]194-kate . [You]111-giuseppe cavalli had one of [his]111-giuseppe cavalli pieces hung in [the master suite of [[my]0-i penthouse at [Lusso]88-lusso]559-my penthouse at lusso]559-my penthouse at lusso . ”[0-i] [I]0-i sit next to [her]194-kate and open the book to the page where the photograph is , eager for [her]194-kate to see , hoping it ’ll spike more than a flashback . “ There . ”[0-i] [I]0-i point to the picture . “ The original is hanging in [[our]896-our dining room]559-my penthouse at lusso . [He]111-giuseppe cavalli was [the master of light]111-giuseppe cavalli . [You]111-giuseppe cavalli told [me]0-i all about [him]111-giuseppe cavalli when [you]111-giuseppe cavalli gave [me]0-i a guided tour of [[my]0-i new apartment]559-my penthouse at lusso . It was the first time [we]896-our … well , made love . ”[0-i] [We]896-our did ? ”[0-i] “ Yes . ”[0-i] [I]0-i frown . Have n’t [I]0-i told [her]194-kate this already ? “ In [the bathroom at [Lusso]88-lusso]2528-the bathroom at lusso on launch night . [I]0-i bought [you]194-kate this book . ”[0-i] [I]0-i flick to the back where the note still sits . “ With this . ”[0-i] [Ava]238-ava pulls out the piece of paper and reads it aloud . “ ‘ [You]194-kate ’re like a book [I]238-ava ca n’t put down . [I]238-ava need to know more . ’ ”[238-ava] “ Do [you]194-kate remember , [baby]194-kate ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i ask , watching [her]194-kate scan the words , hoping and praying [she]194-kate finds something to match the flashback . [Her]194-kate eyes clench shut , as if [she]194-kate ’s desperately searching for any recollection . And [I]0-i know [she]194-kate is . But when [she]194-kate sags and a tear falls , splashing the paper in [her]194-kate hand , [I]0-i know [she]194-kate has n’t . “ It was so vivid . ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate looks at [me]0-i . “ So real . [I]194-kate felt someone there with [me]194-kate , looking at [the boats]2529-the boats . It was [you]194-kate . [I]194-kate could n’t see [you]194-kate , but [I]194-kate felt [you]194-kate . Like [I]194-kate ’m feeling [you]194-kate since [I]194-kate woke up after the accident . [I]194-kate feel [you]194-kate all the time , even when [we]2530-we ’re not touching . Even when [you]194-kate ’re not in [the room]202-the room . ”[194-kate] [I]0-i smile sadly and pull [her]194-kate onto [my]0-i lap . “ Time , [baby]194-kate . Give it time . ”[0-i] While [I]0-i ’m reassuring [her]194-kate , [I]0-i ’m working hard to reassure [myself]0-i . That flashback must have been fucking powerful to launch [her]194-kate off [my]0-i body like that . Nothing can ever distract [her]194-kate from [me]0-i , especially when [I]0-i ’m inside [her]194-kate . Facing the fact that there ’s a force more powerful than [me]0-i in [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie ’s life right now is the hardest thing [I]0-i ’ve ever had to contend with . Because , of all the things in [this world]198-this world that can make [her]194-kate better , [I]0-i just know [I]0-i am [her]194-kate strongest chance . Chapter 24 Three . [I]194-kate ’m stalking [my]194-kate prey , closing in , watching as [she]194-kate backs away from [me]194-kate with a teasing smile on [her]194-kate face . “[194-kate] Two , [I]194-kate growl , picking up speed , laughing on the inside when [she]194-kate turns on a squeal and pelts off up [the stairs]244-the stairs . “[194-kate] One , [I]194-kate shout , taking [them]244-the stairs three at a time and bursting into [[our]2534-our bedroom]593-our bedroom . [She]194-kate ’s standing on the far side , a can of squirty cream in one hand , a jar of chocolate spread in the other . And [she]194-kate ’s gloriously naked , except for the seductive smile [she]194-kate ’s wearing . “[194-kate] Do [your]900-your worst , [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward . ” “[194-kate] Zero , [baby]194-kate . [I]454-jesse startle and jerk awake , frantically scanning [my]454-jesse surroundings . “[454-jesse] [Jesse]454-jesse ? [Ava]238-ava comes into [my]0-i vision , standing at the end of the bed in [her]238-ava dressing gown . “[0-i] [I]0-i must have dozed off again . [I]0-i scrub at [my]0-i face with [my]0-i palms , wondering how [I]0-i could be so tired after such a good night ’s sleep . “[0-i] [I]0-i just spoke to [Kate]194-kate . [She]194-kate wants [us]902-us to meet [them]902-us for dinner tomorrow night . [I]194-kate can think of nothing worse than putting [myself]194-kate in front of [people]2279-people and trying to smile . [I]194-kate just want to hide away in [[our]902-us little manor]218-our little manor until things are back to normal . [I]194-kate ’m on the cusp of suggesting [we]902-us do exactly that , but [Ava]238-ava speaks first . “[194-kate] [I]0-i ’m looking forward to seeing [her]194-kate . ” Of course [she]194-kate is . [[Ava]238-ava ’s best friend]52-her friend is one of [the only people [she]194-kate recognizes]2539-the only people she recognizes . And that fucking stings like [a fuck - off - big Portuguese man - of - war]2540-a fuck - off - big portuguese man - of - war . “[194-kate] Great . [I]0-i smile through [my]0-i false enthusiasm . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m going to take a shower . [She]194-kate edges toward [the bathroom]294-the bathroom , pointing to [my]0-i phone on the bed . “[0-i] [The kids]2010-the kids rang while [you]904-you were asleep . ” “[2010-the kids] Did [you]904-you answer ? ” The thought of [her]238-ava staring blankly at [my]0-i phone while it rang , [their]2010-the kids faces on [my]0-i screen , is unbearable . “[0-i] Of course [I]0-i answered . [She]238-ava seems almost offended . “[0-i] [They]2010-the kids ’ve been fishing today . [Dad]1256-dad caught a ten - pound bream . [Jacob]60-jacob sent the pictures through . [I]60-jacob reach for [my]60-jacob phone , keen to see [their]2010-the kids faces . And [I]60-jacob bark out a shot of laughter when [Jacob]60-jacob appears on [my]60-jacob screen , a huge fish hanging from [his]60-jacob hand , an even bigger grin on [his]60-jacob face . And then there ’s [Maddie]26-maddie , eyes wide , looking at the bream like it could be a great white . “[60-jacob] Look at [them]2010-the kids . [My]60-jacob heart swells as [I]60-jacob turn to [Ava]238-ava , [her]238-ava smile as bright as [mine]60-jacob . “[60-jacob] [Jacob]60-jacob looks so much like [you]905-you in that picture . [Ava]238-ava ’s comment has [me]60-jacob focusing on [[my]60-jacob boy]240-my boy once again . [She]238-ava ’s right . [He]240-my boy does , more so than usual . “[60-jacob] Handsome , [she]238-ava adds . [I]26-maddie shoot [her]238-ava a look , and [she]238-ava shrugs , a little shyly . “[26-maddie] And [Maddie]26-maddie looks just like [you]905-you . Beautiful . [Her]238-ava lips twist a little . If [she]238-ava dares challenge that . “[26-maddie] It ’s quite scary , do n’t [you]905-you think ? ” “[905-you] What ? How similar [they]906-lucky fucking kids are to [us]907-us ? ” “[906-lucky fucking kids] Yes . [She]238-ava wanders over and looks down at the screen with [me]906-lucky fucking kids . “[906-lucky fucking kids] Not scary , [I]906-lucky fucking kids counter , looking up at [her]238-ava with a wide smile . “[906-lucky fucking kids] [They]906-lucky fucking kids ’re [lucky fucking kids]906-lucky fucking kids . [She]238-ava laughs , a genuine bent - over , stomach - clenching laugh . It ’s a sight to behold , and it has [me]906-lucky fucking kids grinning from ear to ear . “[906-lucky fucking kids] [You]905-you ’re so pigheaded . ” “[905-you] So [I]0-i ’m told . Now get that gorgeous arse in the shower . [I]0-i ’ll take [you]905-you somewhere special after [your]905-you therapy session . ” “[0-i] Actually , [I]0-i was thinking of calling [Elsie]32-mum about [her]32-mum offer . [Yoga]112-yoga might be the kind of thing [I]0-i need . All this therapy is useless . [I]0-i hate it . It just makes [me]0-i feel crap and hopeless . [I]112-yoga get [her]32-mum point , completely . [I]112-yoga hate seeing [her]32-mum looking so disheartened each time [she]32-mum ’s left a session . But … “We[112-yoga] have yoga classes at [the health club]188-the health club , [I]112-yoga remind [her]32-mum . “[112-yoga] If [you]905-you want to do it , [I]0-i ’ll get [you]905-you on the classes . ” That way [she]32-mum ’ll still be close by . “[0-i] Yoga in [a studio]909-a studio with [thirty other people]910-thirty other people ? [She]32-mum wrinkles [her]32-mum nose at [me]0-i . “[0-i] It ’s not really the relaxation [I]0-i had in mind . [Elsie]32-mum ’s classes sound far more therapeutic . [One - on - one]911-one - on - one . What do [you]905-you think ? ” “[0-i] [I]0-i think yoga is yoga . [She]32-mum gives [me]0-i a roll of [her]32-mum eyes and heads for [the bathroom]294-the bathroom . “[0-i] But [Elsie]32-mum has this spiritual thing going on . [I]32-mum grimace as [I]32-mum get up and follow [her]32-mum . “[32-mum] [You]905-you ’re not going to go all hippie on [me]0-i , are [you]905-you ? [I]905-you grin when [she]32-mum tuts dramatically . “[905-you] Though if [you]905-you want to stop wearing bras during the day , [I]0-i ’m down with that . ” Seizing [her]32-mum from in front of the mirror , [I]0-i whirl [her]32-mum around , [her]32-mum gasp of lusty surprise like music to [my]0-i ears . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m being serious . [She]32-mum tries to force [me]0-i away , and [my]0-i disposition is quickly slighted as a result . “[0-i] So am [I.]0-i [I]0-i tug [her]32-mum back . “[0-i] If [you]905-you want to do yoga , [we]912-we have [a perfectly good health club for [you]905-you]2003-the club to do it at . It makes sense for [you]905-you to be at [the club]2003-the club . ” Perfect fucking sense . “[0-i] So [you]905-you can keep an eye on [me]0-i . ” “[0-i] Exactly . [Her]32-mum eyes narrow , pissed off . “[0-i] [I]0-i assume [I]0-i had a life beyond [you]905-you before the accident , [she]32-mum says , pointing a pout [my]0-i way . “[0-i] Or did [you]905-you keep [me]0-i nailed to [your]905-you side permanently ? [I]0-i scoff . “[0-i] [I]0-i wish . ” “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m going to yoga at [[Elsie]32-mum ’s well - being center]914-elsie ’s well - being center , and [you]905-you ca n’t stop [me]0-i . [She]32-mum want to place bets on that ? What ’s wrong with [[our]2544-our club]2545-our club , if [she]32-mum wants to practice yoga ? And what if [her]32-mum memories come flooding back while [I]0-i ’m not with [her]32-mum ? [Lord]2546-lord knows , if [she]32-mum suddenly remembers everything , it could certainly bring on a panic attack . [I]0-i ’m about to reaffirm [my]0-i refusal to let [her]32-mum go , but [I]0-i pull back , reminding [myself]0-i that [my]0-i life is practically hanging in the balance . [I]0-i ca n’t make [her]32-mum remember if [she]32-mum ’s not talking to [me]0-i , and that ’s what ’s going to happen if [I]0-i deny [her]32-mum this . Softly - softly . Patience . “[0-i] Fine . [I]0-i spit the word out with force . “[0-i] But [I]0-i ’m taking [you]0-i and picking [you]0-i up . ” “[0-i] [I]0-i ’d like to drive [myself]0-i . [I]0-i laugh , loud and sharp . [She]32-mum ’s testing [me]0-i now . “[0-i] Do n’t push [me]0-i , [Ava]238-ava . [I]0-i ’ve agreed to yoga . That ’s as much as [you]0-i ’re getting . [I]0-i push [myself]0-i into [her]238-ava front and squeeze [her]238-ava tight . “[0-i] End of . [I]238-ava ’m driving [myself]238-ava . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava pushes [her]238-ava hips into [my]0-i groin . “ End of . ”[238-ava] Chapter 25 [Ava]238-ava [I]0-i ’m torn between the need to keep [him]915-him close and the need to desperately break away . To find some independence before [I]0-i come to lean on [him]915-him too much . Yoga is the perfect place to start , just a couple of hours away from [him]915-him . [The big wide world]916-the big wide world is a scary place , but it ’s not going to get any less scary unless [I]0-i push forward . So [I]0-i ’m going , and [I]0-i do n’t care how much [he]915-him sulks about it . And [I]0-i ’m driving [myself]0-i . [Elsie]32-mum was delighted to hear from [me]0-i , and offered to let [me]0-i join [her]32-mum this afternoon . [I]0-i ’m looking forward to it , and as [I]0-i come down [the stairs]701-the hallway , feeling bright and positive , [I]0-i see [Jesse]454-jesse pacing [the hallway]701-the hallway . [I]0-i do n’t let [his]454-jesse clear displeasure break [me]0-i down . “ The keys ? ”[454-jesse] [I]0-i ask , pulling [my]0-i bag onto [my]0-i shoulder . The scowl fired at [me]0-i is fierce , as is [his]454-jesse stance . [The man]454-jesse can sulk , that much [I]0-i ’ve figured out . But [his]454-jesse moody nature when things do n’t go [his]454-jesse way is oddly endearing . Familiar . [He]454-jesse grunts , looking [me]0-i up and down , handing [me]0-i a bunch of keys and a pretty pinky - gold thing . [I]0-i frown down at it . It ’s not much bigger than a credit card . “ What ’s this ? ”[0-i] [Your]0-i phone . ”[454-jesse] “ Oh . ”[0-i] [I]0-i smile and slip it into [my]0-i bag and pull a hair tie out , securing [my]0-i hair into a ponytail carefully . [I]0-i ’m not happy about this . ”[0-i] “ No shit . ”[454-jesse] That scowl , it darkens , and [my]0-i smile widens . “ Do n’t push [your]0-i luck . ”[454-jesse] “ Do n’t push [yours]0-i . ”[0-i] [I]0-i laugh , passing [him]454-jesse and heading for the door . [My]0-i shoulder brushes [his]454-jesse arm , and before [I]0-i know what ’s happened , [I]0-i ’m pressed against the nearest wall by [his]454-jesse hard body . Damn , [this man]454-jesse moves fast . Getting up in [my]0-i face , [his]454-jesse green eyes almost dull , [he]454-jesse growls , low and deep . [His]454-jesse heart is clattering in [his]454-jesse chest , the beats penetrating [me]0-i . [He]454-jesse ’s worried . Worried about being away from [me]0-i ? It might be unhealthy and unreasonable , but to [me]0-i it ’s strangely comforting . Every move [this man]454-jesse makes , everything [he]454-jesse says , all [his]454-jesse facial expressions and reactions , [they]918-they all touch [me]0-i somewhere deep , and [my]0-i gut tells [me]0-i it ’s all okay . Everything is fine . Instinct tells [me]0-i how to react . [My]0-i heart tells [me]0-i how to love [him]454-jesse . [My]0-i mind tells [me]0-i how to handle [him]454-jesse . [I]0-i ’m slowly putting it all together , figuring [him]454-jesse out . [He]454-jesse is the biggest part of who [I]0-i am . [I]454-jesse ’ll drive carefully . ”[454-jesse] [My]0-i instinct to reassure [him]454-jesse is so natural . [I]0-i ’m wondering where it ’s coming from , since [he]454-jesse ’s being completely unreasonable . [I]0-i ’ll be a couple of hours , at the most . [I]0-i ’ll be back before [you]0-i know it , [I]0-i promise . ”[0-i] “ And what if [you]0-i are n’t ? ”[454-jesse] [He]454-jesse ’s serious , [his]454-jesse mind spinning with dread and the worst - case scenarios . “ Do [you]0-i know how long it took [me]454-jesse to finally lengthen the reins [I]454-jesse have on [you]0-i ? Years , [Ava]238-ava . Years of [my]454-jesse fear battling with [my]454-jesse reason . ”[454-jesse] [You]0-i have a reasonable side ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i ask , trying to throw some lightness into the mix . This is utterly ridiculous . [I]0-i ’m going to yoga for two hours , [max]26-maddie . [His]454-jesse green eyes narrow into warning slits . “ Sarcasm does n’t suit [you]26-maddie , [lady]26-maddie . ”[454-jesse] [He]454-jesse ’s not impressed , and like [the sly bastard]919-the sly bastard [I]0-i ’ve figured [he]454-jesse is , [he]454-jesse rolls those damn gorgeous hips into [my]0-i groin , using [his]454-jesse power over [me]0-i like the weapon it is . [We]2547-we need to make [friends]2054-friends . ”[454-jesse] “ Have [we]2547-we fallen out ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i laugh , trying to wriggle free , even though [I]0-i know [I]0-i ’m going nowhere until [he]454-jesse says so . “ Yes , [we]2547-we have . ”[454-jesse] [His]454-jesse eyes are now gleaming , hypnotizing , as [he]454-jesse drops [his]454-jesse mouth to [my]0-i cheek and takes a light bite . [He]454-jesse purrs , and [I]0-i groan , having to stop [myself]0-i from knocking [my]0-i head against the wall behind [me]0-i . What [he]454-jesse can do to [me]0-i , how [he]454-jesse can make [me]0-i feel , staggers [me]0-i every time . “ Stay with [me]454-jesse . ”[454-jesse] [My]0-i eyes close , the feel of [his]454-jesse lovely lips trailing lazily all over [my]0-i face debilitating [me]0-i . [He]454-jesse makes it to [my]0-i mouth and laps [his]454-jesse tongue far and wide , pushing [me]0-i further up the wall . Oh [[my]0-i lord]26-maddie , [he]454-jesse ’s a fucking god . [My]0-i temperature is rising , [my]0-i blood racing through [my]0-i veins , [my]0-i mind blitzed . And then [I]0-i feel [him]454-jesse smile around [our]921-our kiss . [I]0-i do n’t have to see it to know it ’s a smile full of satisfaction . “ No . ”[0-i] [I]0-i find some willpower and yank [myself]0-i from [my]0-i bliss , pushing [him]454-jesse away , ignoring the animalistic growl . [I]0-i ’m learning [his]454-jesse game . [I]0-i pull [my]0-i bag back onto [my]0-i shoulder and get [my]0-i breathing on track . [Jesus Christ]26-maddie , every part of [me]0-i wants [him]26-maddie , wants to let [him]26-maddie completely consume [me]0-i , to make love to [me]0-i . But [I]0-i ’m so nervous about that . [My]0-i eyes drop to [his]26-maddie groin . [I]0-i felt it . Only briefly , but [I]0-i felt it . It ’s fucking colossal , but it felt so bloody amazing , just that one stroke . [I]0-i quickly realign [my]0-i thoughts before [I]0-i jump [him]26-maddie . Would [he]26-maddie like that ? [I]26-maddie ’m going to yoga . ”[26-maddie] “ Then [you]26-maddie ’ll be punished later , [lady]26-maddie . ”[26-maddie] “ Fine . ”[0-i] [I]0-i head for the door on a shake of [my]0-i head , yet [I]0-i smile to [myself]0-i . Because [I]0-i think [I]0-i could be falling for the nutter . As [I]0-i take the steps down to [the BMW]922-the bmw , [I]0-i pull [myself]0-i together , tamp down [my]0-i want , and focus on the afternoon ahead . Taking the handle of the door , [I]0-i look back as [I]0-i pull it open , finding [Jesse]454-jesse at the front door , [his]454-jesse shoulder leaning against the door frame , [his]454-jesse big arms folded across [his]454-jesse big chest . [He]454-jesse ’s smiling . [The crazy - arse loon]923-the crazy - arse loon . Pivoting back toward [the car]2161-the car , [I]0-i only just stop [myself]0-i from falling into the seat . Or onto [[Jesse]454-jesse ’s friend]925-jesse ’s friend ’s lap . Not that there ’s much room with [the huge black man]926-the huge black man taking up [the driver]927-the driver ’s seat . “ What ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i blurt , righting [myself]0-i and taking the top of the door . [He]926-the huge black man lifts [his]926-the huge black man wraparounds and beams at [me]0-i , flashing a gold tooth . “ Afternoon , [girl]26-maddie , ”[926-the huge black man] [he]926-the huge black man rumbles , thumbing to the other side of [the car]2161-the car . “ It ’s like the good old days , huh ? ”[926-the huge black man] [My]0-i teeth clench with force that might crumble them , and [I]0-i look up to find [a very smug - looking man still holding position in the doorway]926-the huge black man . Unbelievable ! “ It ’s [you]26-maddie who will be getting punished ! ”[0-i] [I]0-i yell , stomping around to the passenger side . [I]0-i have n’t got time to argue ; [I]0-i ’ll be late for [[my]0-i first class]928-my first class , and [I]0-i certainly wo n’t be shifting the mountain of [a man in the driver]929-a man in the driver ’s seat . “ Look forward to it , [lady]26-maddie ! ”[926-the huge black man] [he]926-the huge black man calls on an irritating chuckle , earning a scowl from [me]0-i that rivals any that [he]926-the huge black man dishes out . [I]0-i slam the door and face [John]60-jacob . [I]60-jacob ca n’t believe [he]926-the huge black man ’s got [you]60-jacob driving [me]60-jacob . ”[60-jacob] [John]60-jacob laughs , [his]926-the huge black man huge sausage fingers gripping the wheel . [Girl]26-maddie , [I]60-jacob drove [you]60-jacob all over [the place]2265-the place when [you]60-jacob two first hooked up . ”[60-jacob] “ It does n’t surprise [me]0-i , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say , staring at [his]926-the huge black man profile thoughtfully . [I]0-i have déjà vu , ”[0-i] [I]0-i muse quietly , and [he]926-the huge black man smiles . [He]926-the huge black man has a lovely smile , warm and reassuring . “ That does n’t surprise [me]926-the huge black man , [girl]26-maddie . ”[926-the huge black man] [His]926-the huge black man left hand leaves the wheel , extending toward [me]0-i , [his]926-the huge black man palm faceup . [I]0-i lay [mine]0-i in the huge shovel and [he]926-the huge black man grips , firm but gentle . “ Feeling overwhelmed ? ”[926-the huge black man] “ By so much . ”[926-the huge black man] “ But mostly [him]926-the huge black man , yes ? ”[926-the huge black man] [He]926-the huge black man ’s [an intense man]926-the huge black man . ”[926-the huge black man] “ Like [I]926-the huge black man ’ve said to [you]926-the huge black man a million times before , [girl]26-maddie , only with [you]926-the huge black man . ”[926-the huge black man] Setting [my]0-i hand in [my]0-i lap , [he]926-the huge black man takes [his]926-the huge black man own back to the wheel . [You]926-the huge black man and [those kids]2551-those kids are [his]926-the huge black man world , but [you]926-the huge black man know that already . [Ai]115-ai n’t [no man on [this planet]2553-this planet like [Jesse Ward]454-jesse]2552-no man on this planet like jesse ward . ”[926-the huge black man] [He]926-the huge black man laughs under [his]926-the huge black man breath a little , and [I]0-i smile , sensing a fondness emanating from [the big guy that feels somehow right]930-the big guy that feels somehow right . [You]926-the huge black man ’re going to tell [me]0-i to go easy on [him]926-the huge black man , are n’t [you]926-the huge black man ? ”[0-i] [That motherfucker]2554-that motherfucker is fragile under all that bravado and muscle . ”[926-the huge black man] [He]926-the huge black man went through a lot . [[His]926-the huge black man brother]60-jacob , [[his]926-the huge black man uncle]60-jacob . ”[60-jacob] [John]60-jacob hums , returning [his]926-the huge black man full attention to [the road]2159-the road . “ Looking forward to [your]60-jacob first session with [Elsie]32-mum ? ”[60-jacob] Is it [me]0-i , or has [he]926-the huge black man just swiftly changed the subject ? [I]0-i frown . [I]0-i am . Do [you]0-i remember [someone called [Sarah]26-maddie]2555-someone called sarah ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i press [my]0-i lips together , watching for [his]926-the huge black man reaction . “ Of course . ”[0-i] “ Did [you]0-i know [she]26-maddie ’s back ? ”[926-the huge black man] [He]926-the huge black man casts [his]926-the huge black man face slowly to [mine]0-i . [I]926-the huge black man did . ”[926-the huge black man] [He]926-the huge black man ’s giving [me]0-i nothing , so [I]0-i continue to press lightly . “ Do [I]926-the huge black man have anything to worry about ? ”[926-the huge black man] [Girl]821-a woman , there ’s not [a woman dead or alive who would turn [[your]0-i husband]454-jesse ’s head]2556-a woman dead or alive who would turn your husband ’s head . ”[926-the huge black man] “ But [he]926-the huge black man turns theirs , ”[0-i] [I]0-i point out , knowing deep down that it ’s not really [[my]0-i husband]454-jesse [I]0-i need to worry about , but maybe [a woman]821-a woman ’s desperation . [Jesse]454-jesse is stunning . Tall , confident , strong , and a whole heap of other things . [He]454-jesse does n’t see [any of [them]2472-any of them]2472-any of them . ”[454-jesse] [His]454-jesse look now is almost stern , like [he]454-jesse ’s annoyed [I]0-i ’m letting something that ’s apparently trivial bother [me]0-i . “ Only [you]26-maddie exist in [that man]454-jesse ’s eyes , [girl]26-maddie . Never forget that . ”[0-i] [I]0-i sigh , staring out of the window as [we]934-we drive [the streets of [London]11-london]935-the streets of london . And [I]0-i scold [myself]0-i because though [my]0-i memories are a little lost , [my]0-i instinct is n’t . To [Jesse Ward]454-jesse , [I]0-i am life . * * * [John]60-jacob drops [me]0-i off with instructions to call [him]454-jesse when [I]0-i ’m ready , and the first thing that hits [me]0-i when [I]0-i enter [[Elsie]32-mum ’s studio]2265-the place is the sound of background music , which [I]0-i quickly determine is whale calls . [The place]2265-the place is warm , the walls made up of dark wooden panels , only a few tiny spotlights scattered in between the dozens of floor - standing plants . A few tie - dye tapestries hang from the walls , and a small fountain in the corner trickles calming water down the side of glistening grey rocks . [Ava]238-ava . ”[32-mum] [Elsie]32-mum ’s voice matches the scene perfectly , all calm and soothing . It ’s peaceful , tranquil , and [I]0-i feel at ease . “ How lovely to see [you]32-mum . ”[0-i] Kissing [me]0-i on both cheeks , [she]32-mum links arms with [me]0-i and walks [us]937-we to some bamboo doors , sliding them open . “ This is where [we]937-we ’ll practice . ”[32-mum] [She]32-mum practically floats across [the room]202-the room , [her]32-mum long white cover - up trailing the floor . Taking a mat from a hook on the wall , [she]32-mum lays it down for [me]0-i . “ Let [me]32-mum take [your]32-mum bag and [we]937-we ’ll get started . ”[32-mum] “ Thank [you]32-mum . ”[0-i] [I]0-i give up [my]0-i satchel and kneel . [I]0-i was n’t sure what to wear . ”[0-i] [I]0-i pull at [my]0-i leggings . “ That ’s just fine . As long as [you]32-mum ’re comfortable . ”[32-mum] [Elsie]32-mum pulls [her]32-mum cover - up over [her]32-mum head , revealing a toned , curvy figure dressed in a black leotard . [I]0-i ’m in slight awe ; [the woman]32-mum must be in [her]32-mum sixties , and [she]32-mum looks amazing . Sitting on [her]32-mum bottom and crossing [her]32-mum legs with ease , [she]32-mum motions [me]0-i to follow , which [I]0-i do , a little nervous . “ Breathe in through [your]32-mum nose slowly , and out through [your]32-mum mouth . In and out . In and out . Clear [your]32-mum mind , and let [me]32-mum take [you]32-mum on a journey to [another world]2559-another world . ”[32-mum] [I]0-i wrestle to clear [my]0-i mind , which is trickier than it probably should be , but it ’s been so full for days , fighting to find memories , trying to surmise what certain things mean . [I]0-i squeeze [my]0-i eyes shut and listen to [Elsie]32-mum ’s voice , quiet and soothing , guiding [me]0-i through the process to achieve complete clear headspace . Peace . It settles over [me]0-i like a warm blanket , and [I]0-i fall into a trance , focusing on [Elsie]32-mum ’s quiet instructions as [she]32-mum guides [me]0-i through some simple poses , ones that apparently cleanse the body of stress . And it works . [I]0-i follow [her]32-mum lead , accepting the help [she]32-mum offers when [I]0-i struggle to get a few things right , [my]0-i leg aching a bit in certain poses . Not too much , but enough for [me]0-i to have to ask [her]32-mum to stop . An hour later , [I]0-i ’m on [my]0-i back , [my]0-i legs up against a wall , [my]0-i mind clear . [You]0-i did so well , [Ava]238-ava , ”[32-mum] [Elsie]32-mum says , helping [me]0-i get [my]0-i legs down . [I]32-mum ’ll wait for [you]0-i in reception . Take [your]0-i time . ”[32-mum] [I]0-i slowly get to [my]0-i feet , stretching . [I]0-i feel like [I]0-i ’ve had a week ’s worth of sleep , [my]0-i body and mind revitalized and fresh . That was so wonderful . [I]0-i smile , despite not finding any memories , a new sense of hope and contentment flourishing as [I]0-i collect [my]0-i bag and make [my]0-i way out of [the studio]939-the studio , ready to thank [Elsie]32-mum from the bottom of [my]0-i heart for suggesting this . [I]0-i find [her]32-mum sitting on a soft velvet chair , rubbing some cream into [her]32-mum hands . [Elsie]32-mum , [I]32-mum ca n’t thank [you]32-mum enough , ”[32-mum] [I]0-i gush , so pleased . [I]0-i feel like [a new woman]32-mum already . ”[0-i] [Elsie]32-mum ’s face scrunches into a little impish grin as [she]32-mum stands and approaches , taking [my]0-i hands . [Her]32-mum skin is soft , and the smell of sweet jasmine immediately hits [my]0-i nose , seeming to add another layer of peace over [me]0-i . Honestly , [this woman]32-mum , this place , it ’s like an amazing medicine . [I]32-mum told [John]60-jacob this would be good for [you]60-jacob . [He]940-he ’s told [me]32-mum all about [that man of [yours]60-jacob]60-jacob . ”[32-mum] [Her]32-mum head tilts cheekily , and [I]0-i laugh a little . “ Passionate , but a little overbearing , yes ? ”[0-i] “ A little , ”[0-i] [I]0-i admit , not wanting to bring [him]940-he down too much . [I]0-i know [he]940-he ’s struggling , too . [He]940-he means well . ”[940-he] “ Of course [he]940-he does . [He]940-he loves [you]60-jacob with a fire in [his]940-he soul . Now , will [I]0-i be seeing [you]60-jacob again ? ”[0-i] “ God , yes . How much do [I]32-mum owe [you]60-jacob for today ? ”[32-mum] [Her]32-mum hand stops [mine]0-i from going into [my]0-i purse . [I]32-mum do n’t charge [friends]2054-friends , ”[32-mum] [she]32-mum says , looking past [me]0-i when the door behind [us]941-us opens . “ Can [I]32-mum help [you]60-jacob ? ”[32-mum] [I]0-i turn and see [a woman]26-maddie gingerly entering . [She]32-mum shuts the door behind [her]32-mum , pulling [her]32-mum bag higher on [her]32-mum shoulder . [I]32-mum was told [you]60-jacob do yoga sessions here . ”[32-mum] “ Why yes , [dear]60-jacob , ”[32-mum] [Elsie]32-mum glides across to [her]32-mum , [her]32-mum friendly smile almost sorry . “ But [I]32-mum ’m afraid [I]32-mum only teach [one student]2561-one student at a time , and [my]32-mum schedule is rather full . ”[32-mum] “ Oh , [I]26-maddie see . ”[26-maddie] [The woman]26-maddie looks sad now , too , and [I]0-i find [myself]0-i stepping forward . [I]0-i do n’t mind sharing [my]0-i session , [Elsie]32-mum , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say , smiling at [the woman]26-maddie when [her]26-maddie eyes sparkle hopefully . After all , [I]0-i ’m not paying . [I]0-i feel bad for hogging a whole hour of [Elsie]32-mum ’s time , and [she]32-mum refuses to take [my]0-i money . “ Are [you]32-mum sure , [Ava]238-ava ? ”[32-mum] [Elsie]32-mum takes [my]0-i hand and squeezes . [I]0-i look to [the woman]26-maddie and smile . [I]32-mum ’m sure [she]26-maddie wo n’t make much noise . ”[32-mum] [Elsie]32-mum laughs , as does [the woman]26-maddie . [I]26-maddie ’m sorry , [my]26-maddie name is [Zara]116-zara . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie offers [her]26-maddie hand . [You]26-maddie really do n’t have to do this . ”[26-maddie] “ It ’s fine . ”[0-i] [I]0-i brush it off . To be fair , [she]26-maddie looks like [she]26-maddie could do with the serenity of [this place]2391-this place , too . [She]26-maddie looks a little sad . [I]26-maddie ’m [Ava]238-ava . ”[26-maddie] “ Lovely to meet [you]26-maddie , [Ava]238-ava . ”[26-maddie] [I]32-mum ’ll leave [you]26-maddie two to see [yourselves]26-maddie out . ”[32-mum] [Elsie]32-mum wanders back to [the studio]497-the city . [I]32-mum need to prepare for [my]32-mum next session . See [you]26-maddie Friday , then ? ”[32-mum] “ See [you]26-maddie , [Elsie]32-mum , ”[0-i] [I]0-i call , turning back to [Zara]116-zara . [I]26-maddie ca n’t thank [you]26-maddie enough , ”[26-maddie] [she]26-maddie gushes . [I]26-maddie recently moved to [the city]497-the city after a shitty breakup and [I]26-maddie ’m trying to keep [myself]26-maddie busy in [my]26-maddie spare time , and [I]26-maddie could really do with trying to chill out . Breakups are stressful . ”[26-maddie] [You]26-maddie do n’t have to thank [me]116-zara . Today was [my]116-zara first session with [Elsie]32-mum . [She]32-mum is just wonderful . [You]26-maddie ’ll love it . ”[116-zara] “ Ca n’t wait . So [I]26-maddie guess [I]26-maddie ’ll see [you]26-maddie on Friday . ”[26-maddie] “ Do [you]26-maddie fancy a coffee ? ”[26-maddie] It comes from nowhere , startling [me]0-i . But [her]26-maddie face is so friendly and warm , and for the first time , [I]0-i ’m not frantically searching [my]0-i head for the right things to say . “ Oh , that would be lovely . Are [you]26-maddie sure ? [I]0-i do n’t want to keep [you]26-maddie . ”[0-i] [I]0-i laugh a little . “ Trust [me]0-i , there ’s nothing [you]26-maddie ’re keeping [me]0-i from . ”[0-i] [I]0-i link arms with [her]26-maddie and [we]945-we walk out onto [the street]2159-the road , heading for the café up [the road]2159-the road . [I]945-we ’m sorry about [your]26-maddie breakup . ”[945-we] “ Do n’t be . [I]116-zara ’m best rid of [him]26-maddie . ”[116-zara] [Zara]116-zara smiles , though [I]0-i sense a perpetual sadness lingering deep in [her]26-maddie blue eyes . It ’s a sadness [she]26-maddie ’s trying to hide from [the world]2163-the world , and [I]0-i can relate to that . [I]0-i ’m devastated that [I]0-i ca n’t find what [I]0-i ’m desperately looking for , and it ’s hard to keep [my]0-i devastation from showing and tearing [Jesse]454-jesse down , too . “ The relationship was violent . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie shrugs , like it ’s nothing . “ Oh [my]26-maddie God , [I]26-maddie ’m so sorry . ”[26-maddie] “ What does n’t break [you]26-maddie makes [you]26-maddie stronger . That ’s what [they]2562-they say , right ? ”[26-maddie] “ Right , ”[0-i] [I]0-i agree wholeheartedly . [I]0-i ’m not broken . But [I]0-i certainly do n’t feel any stronger at the moment . Call [me]0-i mean , but hearing [someone else]267-someone else ’s problems makes [me]0-i feel mighty better about [my]0-i own . The conversation is coming easily . It ’s nice , normal . [Zara]116-zara is n’t looking at [me]0-i with sympathy , [she]26-maddie is n’t asking [me]0-i pressing questions , searching [my]0-i eyes for evidence of a memory like [[everyone]283-everyone around [me]0-i]283-everyone does . [She]26-maddie ’s just chatting to [me]0-i like [a normal woman]950-a normal woman would . “ Oh , excuse [me]0-i , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say , pulling [my]0-i phone from [my]0-i pocket as [we]951-we enter [the coffeehouse]784-the coffeehouse . [I]0-i need to call [someone]293-someone . ”[0-i] [My]0-i thumb falters over the screen , and [I]0-i stare down , not sure how to even use the thing . [I]0-i ’ve answered [Jesse]454-jesse ’s phone , but that ’s only because the thing told [me]0-i to swipe . So [I]0-i swipe . And get asked for a code . “ Never mind . ”[0-i] [I]0-i ’ll wait for [John]60-jacob to call [me]0-i . [I]0-i ’ll get these , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say , shrugging [my]0-i coat off . “ What would [you]0-i like ? ”[0-i] “ A latte would be lovely , thank [you]0-i . ”[116-zara] [Zara]116-zara takes a seat while [I]0-i order [our]951-we drinks , pulling out [my]0-i credit card and looking at the name across the front . [Mrs. A. Ward]26-maddie . [I]0-i ’m prompted by [the server]953-the server to pay , and [I]0-i come over hot . What ’s the PIN ? “ It ’s contactless , ”[454-jesse] [he]454-jesse says , and [I]0-i frown , catching a woman to [my]0-i left tapping [her]26-maddie card on the next machine . [I]0-i follow [her]26-maddie lead , raising [my]0-i eyebrows when [I]0-i see the machine tells [me]0-i it ’s accepted . [I]0-i smile , chuffed , and take the drinks , heading for the table and settling with [Zara]116-zara . Crazy as it seems , [I]0-i ’m feeling a little rebellious , going off the normal course of [my]0-i day . “ So where did [you]0-i live before [you]0-i came here ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i ask . “ Newcastle . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie shakes [her]26-maddie head on a laugh . [I]26-maddie ca n’t believe how expensive it is here ! ”[26-maddie] [I]0-i find [myself]0-i laughing , too , because [I]0-i ’ve been consistently shocked by inflation in [my]0-i absent sixteen years . “ Yeah , prices around these parts are no joke . ”[0-i] [I]0-i chink [her]26-maddie coffee cup with [mine]0-i . “ How long have [you]0-i been [here]2274-here ? ”[0-i] “ Only a couple of months . Still settling in , but [I]0-i really miss [my]0-i dog . ”[0-i] “ Oh no , what happened ? ”[0-i] “ Rentals wo n’t allow [pets]2565-pets , so [I]0-i lost [him]2565-pets in the separation . ”[0-i] “ Oh , that ’s crap . So do [you]0-i have a job ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i do . Only started a month ago , but it ’s going great , and the potential to climb the ladder is just what [I]0-i want . ”[0-i] “ What do [you]0-i do ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i sit back in [my]0-i seat , riveted by the conversation , despite it being simple and normal and probably boring to some . But it ’s different . [I]0-i specialize in commercial property interiors . It sounds rather boring , [I]0-i know , but [I]0-i ’m passionate about it and that ’s what matters , right ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i used to be [an interior designer]690-an interior designer . ”[0-i] [I]0-i sound utterly unimpressed with [myself]0-i . [I]0-i used to be . Now ? Now [I]0-i do n’t know what [I]0-i do . “ Oh [you]0-i did ? ”[0-i] [Her]0-i eyes light up as [she]0-i sits forward in [her]0-i chair . “ Private ? ”[0-i] [she]0-i asks , and [I]0-i nod , telling the stupid lump in [my]0-i throat to fuck off . “ And [you]0-i do n’t anymore ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i shrug , trying to sound nonchalant . [[My]0-i husband]454-jesse owns [a health club]2051-there . After [I]0-i had [the kids]2010-the kids and some time off , it made sense for [me]0-i to work [there]2051-there . ”[0-i] At least , that ’s what [I]0-i assume . As [Zara]116-zara rests back in [her]0-i chair , [she]0-i takes a sip of [her]0-i coffee , thoughtful . “ Well , if [you]0-i ever decide to dip a toe back into [that world]2570-that world , [I]0-i know [my]0-i company is always looking for [talented designers in all sectors]2571-talented designers in all sectors . ”[0-i] What is that inside [me]0-i ? Excitement ? “ Really ? ”[0-i] “ Sure ! ”[0-i] [She]0-i matches [my]0-i beam . [I]0-i can put [you]0-i in touch with [[my]0-i manager]2572-my manager , if [you]0-i ’d like ? ”[0-i] [I]116-zara ’d love that . Let [me]116-zara give [you]0-i [my]116-zara number . ”[116-zara] That excitement doubles as [Zara]116-zara fetches [her]0-i phone and gets ready for [me]0-i to reel the digits off , looking up at [me]0-i in prompt . “ It ’s … ”[0-i] [I]0-i fade off , rummaging through every corner of [my]0-i mind for [my]0-i own phone number . “ It ’s … ”[116-zara] [Zara]116-zara chuckles . [I]0-i never remember [mine]0-i , either . ”[0-i] [She]0-i taps at the screen of [her]0-i phone and turns it toward [me]0-i . [I]0-i see [her]0-i name in [her]0-i contacts and [her]0-i number . “ Call [me]0-i and [we]2573-we can save [them]2573-we . ”[0-i] [I]0-i look down at [my]0-i phone . It ’s asking [me]0-i for a code again . [Your]0-i birthday ? ”[116-zara] [Zara]116-zara prompts , and [I]0-i glance up , finding [her]0-i smiling softly . [I]0-i have no idea . Am [I]0-i that predictable ? [My]0-i date of birth is n’t the number that comes to mind , though . So [I]0-i tap in the first four digits that do : 3210 . The screen lights up , a dozen icons glaring at [me]0-i . “ Here . ”[0-i] [I]0-i hand it over . “ It ’s probably easier for [you]0-i to enter it rather than reel it off to [me]0-i . ”[0-i] Without question , [Zara]116-zara quickly and keenly taps [her]0-i number into [my]0-i phone and connects the call , letting [her]0-i phone ring once before hanging up and saving [my]0-i number . “ Perfect , ”[0-i] [I]0-i declare as [she]0-i hands it back and [I]0-i slip it into [my]0-i bag . [She]0-i smiles . It ’s such a warm smile . Friendly and accepting , and it makes [me]0-i feel so at ease . [We]954-we chat about almost anything for the next hour , almost anything except [my]0-i recent accident . [She]0-i does n’t need to know that , and it ’s a relief to have it off [my]0-i mind for a while . Just talking . Getting to know [someone]293-someone . [Someone who [I]0-i ’m not already supposed to know]956-someone who i ’m not already supposed to know . [I]0-i ’m so wrapped up in the chatter , [I]0-i completely lose track of time . [Goodness]117-goodness , where did the time go ? ”[116-zara] [Zara]116-zara laughs , getting up from [her]0-i chair . [I]116-zara was supposed to be at a hair appointment fifteen minutes ago to sort out this mop . ”[116-zara] [Her]0-i hair looks just fine , long , dark , glossy waves that make [her]0-i blue eyes more striking . “ Do n’t [you]116-zara work on Mondays ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i usually work from [home]201-home a few days a week , so [I]0-i get a bit of freedom to sneak to yoga and [the salon]2575-the salon . ”[0-i] [She]0-i winks , and [I]0-i laugh . [I]0-i ’ll see [you]116-zara Friday ? ”[0-i] “ Sure . ”[957-we] [We]957-we walk to the door together , and as soon as [I]0-i make it to [the pavement]958-the pavement , [I]0-i spot [[Jesse]454-jesse ’s Aston]15-jesse ’s aston up [the road]2159-the road through the trees lining [the street]236-the street . Oh no . [John]60-jacob must have called [him]454-jesse . [I]0-i quickly find [my]0-i phone and cringe . Missed calls , texts , and voicemails crowd the locked screen . [I]0-i shrink a little . [[My]0-i husband]454-jesse is waiting for [me]0-i . ”[0-i] “ Oh , where ? ”[116-zara] [Zara]116-zara looks where [I]0-i point , having to bend to get [[Jesse]454-jesse ’s car]961-jesse ’s car in [her]116-zara sights . [That fine man pacing [the pavement]958-the pavement]2577-that fine man pacing the pavement ? ”[116-zara] [She]116-zara gives [me]0-i a playful look . [You]2577-that fine man pacing the pavement lucky thing , [you]2577-that fine man pacing the pavement . ”[116-zara] “ Oh , behave . ”[116-zara] [I]0-i laugh , and [she]116-zara does , too , giving [me]0-i a quick peck on the cheek . “ Have fun at [the salon]2575-the salon , ”[116-zara] [I]0-i call as [she]116-zara jogs off . [I]0-i smile , thinking that [I]0-i like [Zara]116-zara . [My]0-i smile is short - lived , though , when [I]0-i turn to find [Jesse]454-jesse stalking down [the street]236-the street in [my]0-i direction , looking nothing short of murderous . What ’s [his]454-jesse problem ? “ Where the fuck have [you]2580-you been ? ”[454-jesse] [he]454-jesse barks , positively shaking with rage . [I]454-jesse ’ve been going out of [my]454-jesse fucking mind , [lady]454-jesse ! ”[454-jesse] [He]454-jesse seizes [my]0-i hand harshly , and [I]0-i look back to see if [Zara]116-zara is still around , because [I]0-i know just what [she]116-zara would think if [she]116-zara saw this little episode . What the hell is [he]454-jesse doing ? “ Get [your]2580-you hands off [me]0-i ! ”[0-i] [I]0-i snap , shoving [him]454-jesse away . [I]454-jesse went for a fucking coffee . ”[454-jesse] [His]454-jesse face is that of pure shock . And not because [I]0-i went for coffee . “ Mouth ! ”[454-jesse] “ Fuck [you]2580-you , [you]2580-you heathen . ”[0-i] [I]0-i barge past [him]454-jesse , attempting to stomp to [the car]2161-the car , but [my]0-i leg is aching badly now . This ? This ridiculously over - the - top reaction , just because [I]0-i went for a coffee ? [The man]454-jesse has a screw loose . “ God damn it , [Ava]238-ava ! ”[454-jesse] [He]454-jesse ’s coming after [me]0-i fast , fueled by [his]454-jesse rage . [I]0-i do n’t care . [He]454-jesse ca n’t stop [me]0-i going for coffee , and come to think of it … [I]454-jesse ’m going back to work . ”[454-jesse] [I]0-i must be fucking loo - la . Why would [I]0-i goad [him]454-jesse like this ? Why would [I]0-i poke the fucking bear ? [He]454-jesse lands in front of [me]0-i as [I]0-i step into [the road]2159-the road , every inch of [his]454-jesse tall frame vibrating . [I]0-i square [my]0-i shoulders and lift [my]0-i chin , displaying all of the grit [I]0-i feel . “ Over [my]454-jesse dead body , ”[454-jesse] [he]454-jesse whispers lowly , getting [his]454-jesse face close to [mine]0-i . [I]0-i do n’t back up . Never . [You]454-jesse ’re not ready to go back to work . ”[0-i] “ No , [I]454-jesse ’m not ready to go back to [your]454-jesse work . Because [I]454-jesse have n’t got a fucking clue what [I]454-jesse ’m doing ! As soon as [I]454-jesse can , [I]454-jesse ’ll be applying for a job where [I]454-jesse do know what [I]454-jesse ’m doing . ”[454-jesse] It ’s then , after the onslaught of [my]0-i shouts , [I]0-i realize that [I]0-i have n’t just poked the bear , [I]0-i may as well have stabbed the beast . [His]454-jesse chest slowly inflates , [his]454-jesse face getting redder and redder . [I]0-i wisely back up now , ready for the beast to explode . But what will come first ? Because there are two issues here , [my]0-i language , and the fact that [I]0-i ’m threatening to get [myself]0-i another job . [He]454-jesse wo n’t let [me]0-i work anywhere except with [him]454-jesse ? How stupid ! “ Watch [your]454-jesse fucking mouth ! ”[454-jesse] [he]454-jesse booms , practically silencing [the entire street]965-the entire street with the volume . Maybe even the whole of [London]11-london . “ And the day [you]454-jesse get another job is the day [you]454-jesse put [me]454-jesse six feet under . ”[454-jesse] “ Do n’t fucking tempt [me]0-i . ”[0-i] [I]0-i take a wide berth around [him]454-jesse , aware of [him]454-jesse close behind . [I]0-i ’ll be the one six feet under at this rate . With stress . [I]0-i yank the car door open and throw [myself]0-i into the seat heavily , wincing as [I]0-i do . [I]0-i hurt . Everywhere . [I]0-i turn [my]0-i face away when [he]454-jesse lands in [the driver]927-the driver ’s side , [his]454-jesse force putting [mine]0-i to shame . [I]454-jesse ’ve had a million heart attacks in the past hour ! ”[454-jesse] “ And a seizure . And a stroke , by the look on [your]454-jesse face . [I]454-jesse had a coffee , for crying out loud . Are n’t [I]454-jesse allowed that ? ”[454-jesse] “ Who with ? ”[454-jesse] [He]454-jesse revs [his]454-jesse Aston hard , [the car]2161-the car sounding as angry as [him]454-jesse . “ Because [I]454-jesse rang [Kate]194-kate looking for [you]194-kate , and [you]194-kate were n’t with [her]194-kate . ”[454-jesse] [I]454-jesse have [other friends]2581-other friends , too , [you]194-kate know . ”[454-jesse] “ Like who ? ”[454-jesse] [He]454-jesse roars off down [the road]2159-the road , throwing [me]0-i back in [my]0-i seat . Oh , [he]454-jesse ’s mad all right . Good . So am [I.]0-i Who does [he]454-jesse think [he]454-jesse is ? [A friend]349-a friend from yoga , ”[0-i] [I]0-i tell [him]454-jesse snootily , not willing to elaborate . Call [me]0-i pathetic , but [I]0-i kind of like the idea of having [someone]293-someone all to [myself]0-i . [You]454-jesse ’re driving like [an idiot]2583-an idiot . ”[0-i] [I]0-i clench the side of [my]0-i seat when [he]454-jesse zooms through an amber light , cutting [someone]293-someone off when [he]454-jesse switches lanes . [We]970-we get honked at , and [Jesse]454-jesse proceeds to flip the finger , not once , but twice , hurling a barrage of abuse out the window . [Jesus Christ]26-maddie , [the man]2289-the man is [a fucking lunatic]26-maddie . “ Given [my]2289-the man accident , ”[2289-the man] [I]0-i say , quietly alarmed by [his]26-maddie recklessness . [I]0-i ’m surprised [you]0-i ’re being so careless . ”[0-i] The brakes screech , and [we]972-we ’re suddenly crawling along [the road]2159-the road at a snail ’s pace . “ Now [you]0-i ’re just being stupid . ”[972-we] [I]0-i fire [him]26-maddie a filthy look , but note very quickly that [he]26-maddie ’s not being stupid at all . [He]26-maddie ’s being serious , [his]26-maddie brow all crinkled in silent thought . And [I]0-i know those thoughts are of the day [he]26-maddie found [[my]0-i mangled car]974-my mangled car before [he]26-maddie found [my]0-i mangled body . [I]0-i can see the flashbacks in [his]26-maddie rapidly dulling eyes , [his]26-maddie anger morphing into pain . And that pain finds its way into [my]0-i heart and makes [me]0-i feel like [the worst person in [the world]2163-the world]975-the worst person in the world . Damn it . [I]0-i close [my]0-i eyes briefly and sigh , reaching for [his]26-maddie hand where it ’s squeezing the wheel , [his]26-maddie knuckles white . [He]26-maddie lets [me]0-i pry [his]26-maddie fingers free and bring [his]26-maddie hand to [my]0-i lap , where [I]0-i cup it with [my]0-i other , holding it tightly . [I]0-i ’m sorry , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say , a million strands of regret woven between the two small words . There ’s that instinct again . [The one that desperately]977-the one that desperately wants to ease [his]977-the one that desperately pain . To make [him]977-the one that desperately calmer . To give [him]977-the one that desperately what [he]977-the one that desperately needs . [He]977-the one that desperately pulls [the car]2161-the car over to the side of [the road]2159-the road and takes [his]977-the one that desperately hands back , scrubbing them down [his]977-the one that desperately face slowly and harshly . The evidence of a tear streaks [his]977-the one that desperately bristly cheek . Oh God . What have [I]0-i done ? [He]977-the one that desperately looks on the verge of breaking down . [I]0-i unclip [my]0-i belt and crawl across the center console , onto [his]977-the one that desperately lap , pulling [his]977-the one that desperately hands away from [his]977-the one that desperately face . Deep green eyes overflowing with dread gaze back at [me]0-i . [You]977-the one that desperately need to chill out , [Jesse]454-jesse . ”[977-the one that desperately] [I]977-the one that desperately ’ll chill out if [you]977-the one that desperately stop trying to kill [me]977-the one that desperately dead . ”[977-the one that desperately] [He]977-the one that desperately ’s serious , yet the crack in [his]977-the one that desperately voice is clear . [His]977-the one that desperately true fear is sobering . And , [I]0-i realize , [I]0-i should n’t toy with that . “ Be quiet and kiss [me]0-i , ”[0-i] [I]0-i demand , taking the reins , doing what [I]0-i ’m fast learning [he]977-the one that desperately needs [me]0-i to do . And [I]0-i do n’t have to ask [him]977-the one that desperately twice . [I]0-i ’m taken in a kiss that ’s full of appreciation as [he]977-the one that desperately sighs [his]977-the one that desperately thanks into [my]0-i mouth and settles beneath [me]0-i . [His]977-the one that desperately heart settles too , lowering to a soft thrum in [his]977-the one that desperately chest , reverberating against [mine]0-i . “ And to be clear , ”[977-the one that desperately] [he]977-the one that desperately mumbles , and [I]0-i roll [my]0-i eyes behind [my]0-i lids , knowing exactly what ’s coming . [You]2584-you ’re not getting another job . ”[0-i] [I]0-i do n’t argue . Not now , though [I]0-i plan on breaking [him]977-the one that desperately down gently over the coming weeks . Even [I]0-i know [I]0-i ’m not ready to go back to work yet . [His]977-the one that desperately head falls back against the headrest , [his]977-the one that desperately face serious . “ Why did n’t [you]2584-you call [me]977-the one that desperately ? Text [me]977-the one that desperately ? Anything . ”[977-the one that desperately] [I]0-i look away , a bit embarrassed . [I]0-i do n’t know how to use that stupid phone . ”[0-i] [I]0-i can feel a lump growing in [my]0-i throat . It ’s so stupid . [My]0-i jaw is clenched and [my]0-i face pulled to [his]977-the one that desperately . [His]977-the one that desperately face is agony . [I]0-i ’m sorry for being unreasonable . ”[0-i] [I]0-i feel immediately better . “ So [you]0-i ’re going to let [me]0-i work elsewhere ? ”[0-i] “ No , ”[977-the one that desperately] [he]977-the one that desperately says simply , with no apology . “ That ’ll never happen . ”[977-the one that desperately] The confidence in [his]977-the one that desperately voice almost makes [me]0-i believe [him]977-the one that desperately [myself]0-i . [We]980-we ’ll see . It is what it is , and [he]977-the one that desperately is what [he]977-the one that desperately is . Neurotic . And [I]0-i am what [I]0-i am . Falling in love with [him]977-the one that desperately . Chapter 26 After [my]0-i heart attack of yesterday , [I]0-i kept [Ava]238-ava at [home]201-home today and gave [her]238-ava an in - depth tutorial on how to use [her]238-ava phone . [I]0-i only let [her]238-ava leave [the house]201-home to keep [her]238-ava therapy session , and [I]0-i drove [her]238-ava , waited , and brought [her]238-ava [home]201-home . And [she]238-ava did n’t argue . Fucking hell , [I]0-i ’ve never been so panicked . The whole time [she]238-ava was missing , [I]0-i tried to reason with [myself]0-i . Tried to keep [myself]0-i calm . It did n’t work . [I]0-i was terrified , and then when [I]0-i found [her]238-ava , that terror turned into anger . [I]0-i could n’t hold back . But what was [she]238-ava thinking disappearing like that ? It ’s taken a whole twenty - four hours to get [my]0-i heartbeats back to a safe level . Now [I]0-i ’m waiting for [her]238-ava in [the hallway]701-the hallway so [we]983-we can meet [the gang]984-the gang for dinner . [I]0-i pace , back and forth , over and over . Where the hell is [she]238-ava ? [I]0-i glance down at [my]0-i Rolex and sigh . Normally , [I]0-i ’d be up there helping [her]238-ava along in [my]0-i own little way , but nothing about [our]983-we lives feels normal anymore . Wandering over to the mirror , [I]0-i take in [my]0-i Wentworth grey three - piece , pulling in the jacket and straightening [my]0-i blue tie . “ Perfect , [Jesse]454-jesse , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say to [myself]0-i , smoothing [my]0-i hair into place . [My]0-i hand pauses mid - fix . [My]0-i suit might be dapper , [my]0-i body carrying it well , but [I]0-i look tired . Exhausted , in fact . [Jesus]26-maddie , [I]0-i ’ve aged ten years in two weeks . [I]0-i groan and blink [my]0-i green eyes , feeling at [my]0-i tidy scruff . Stress appears embedded in [my]0-i skin , clouding [my]0-i eyes . [I]0-i actually look [my]0-i age , and that fucking sucks when [you]985-you ’re fifty . Pulling [my]0-i phone from [my]0-i pocket , [I]0-i dial [[my]0-i mum]2281-my mum . [She]2281-my mum ’s quick to answer . [Jesse]454-jesse ? Everything okay ? ”[2281-my mum] “ Yeah , [Mum]32-mum . [We]2585-we ’re getting there . ”[2281-my mum] The last thing [I]0-i want to do is give [her]2281-my mum more cause for concern than there is , and there ’s already a lot . [I]2281-my mum need to ask [you]2281-my mum a question . ”[2281-my mum] “ What ? ”[2281-my mum] “ Answer truthfully . ”[2281-my mum] “ Of course . ”[2281-my mum] “ How old do [I]2281-my mum look ? ”[2281-my mum] There ’s a slight pause , and then [she]2281-my mum starts chuckling . [Darling boy]2281-my mum , [you]2281-my mum do n’t look a day over forty . ”[2281-my mum] [I]0-i catch [myself]0-i in the mirror again , scoffing under [my]0-i breath . [You]2281-my mum ’re just saying that to make [me]0-i feel better . ”[0-i] [You]2281-my mum ’re tired , [son]2281-my mum . ”[2281-my mum] [Fucking]118-fucking knackered . ”[0-i] [Jesse Ward]454-jesse , watch [your]2281-my mum language . ”[0-i] “ Sorry , ”[0-i] [I]0-i grunt and continue faffing with [my]0-i hair . “ How ’s [Dad]1256-dad ? ”[0-i] “ Worried . ”[2281-my mum] [She]2281-my mum does n’t beat around the bush . [She]2281-my mum does n’t need to . [Everyone]283-everyone is worried . “ How is [Ava]238-ava ? Any improvement ? ”[283-everyone] “ A little , ”[0-i] [I]0-i admit , wishing [I]0-i could tell [her]2281-my mum there ’s been a mammoth breakthrough . [The doctor]2188-the doctor ’s been encouraged by the small signs [we]2587-we ’ve seen so far . ”[0-i] “ That ’s good . [You]2281-my mum must be pleased . ”[0-i] [I]0-i hum half - heartedly , telling [myself]0-i once again that [I]0-i ’m expecting too much too quickly . [I]0-i have to go , [Mum]32-mum . [I]0-i ’m taking [Ava]238-ava out for dinner . ”[0-i] “ Oh , how lovely ! ”[2281-my mum] [She]2281-my mum sounds thrilled . “ Bet [you]2281-my mum ’re looking forward to that . ”[2281-my mum] Not really . [I]2281-my mum am . It ’s like [we]2587-we ’re dating again . ”[2281-my mum] “ Then make sure [you]2281-my mum woo [her]26-maddie . ”[2281-my mum] “ Are [you]2281-my mum giving [me]0-i relationship advice ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i ask , hitching a sardonic eyebrow . [I]0-i ’ve known [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie for over twelve years . [I]0-i do not need tips on how to woo [her]26-maddie . “ Well , [we]2587-we ’ve all heard of [your]2281-my mum persistence in the early days of [your]2281-my mum relationship . ”[0-i] [I]0-i already told [you]2281-my mum , [Ava]238-ava exaggerates . [I]0-i ’ll call [you]2281-my mum tomorrow . ”[0-i] [I]0-i hang up , ready to yell [my]0-i impatience up [the stairs]244-the stairs , but [my]0-i phone rings again . [I]0-i answer without looking . “ Hello ? ”[0-i] [Jesse]454-jesse ? ”[26-maddie] [Sarah]26-maddie ’s voice sinks into [my]0-i ear and burns [my]0-i brain . “ How did [you]454-jesse get [my]0-i number ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i ’m instantly angry . Fucking fuming . Does n’t [she]26-maddie know what ’s good for [her]26-maddie ? [I]0-i hear the bedroom door closing . “ Do n’t call [me]0-i again , [Sarah]26-maddie . ”[0-i] “ But [I]0-i need — ”[0-i] [I]0-i hang up on [her]26-maddie , working hard to cool [myself]0-i down before [Ava]238-ava questions [my]0-i pent - up state . Be cool . Be calm . Then [I]0-i catch sight of [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie . “ What the fuck , [Ava]238-ava ? ”[0-i] It just tumbles out of [my]0-i mouth but , [Lord]990-lord have mercy , what the fuck is [she]26-maddie wearing ? [I]0-i gawk , studying the little red number , every little thread . It does n’t take [me]0-i long . “ What ? ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie brushes down the front of [her]26-maddie dress with [her]26-maddie palms . [I]0-i ’m hoping to get some kind of horrified gasp when [she]26-maddie sees the dress clinging to [her]26-maddie lithe body , thinking maybe [she]26-maddie missed the full - length mirror on the way out of [the dressing room]258-the dressing room . But there ’s no gasp . Just a questioning , curved eyebrow as [she]26-maddie looks back up at [my]0-i twitching form . What ? What ? Let ’s start with the length of the damn thing . “ Where did [you]2588-you find that ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i ask . “ It was at the back of [my]0-i wardrobe . ”[0-i] [I]0-i snort . At the back of [her]26-maddie wardrobe hidden from [me]0-i . When did [she]26-maddie get it ? When was [she]26-maddie planning on wearing it ? Shit , has [she]26-maddie already ? [You]2588-you ’re not wearing that . ”[26-maddie] [Her]26-maddie head tilts , making [her]26-maddie long hair skim [her]26-maddie half - exposed boobs on one side . “ Yes , [I]26-maddie am . ”[26-maddie] “ Over [my]0-i dead , decomposed body , [Ava]238-ava . [You]238-ava and [I]0-i have a deal , ”[0-i] [I]0-i tell [her]26-maddie , marching up [the stairs]244-the stairs toward [her]26-maddie , set on turning [her]26-maddie right around and sending [her]26-maddie back to [the bedroom]302-the bedroom in disgrace . [Her]26-maddie eyes follow [me]0-i all the way until [I]0-i ’m before [her]26-maddie , [her]26-maddie face plain confused . “ What deal ? ”[26-maddie] [You]26-maddie wear what [I]0-i tell [you]26-maddie to wear . ”[0-i] [I]0-i take [her]26-maddie shoulders to turn [her]26-maddie , but get shrugged off on a scoff . [She]26-maddie ’s off down [the stairs]244-the stairs before [I]0-i ’ve realized [she]26-maddie ’s missing from [my]0-i grasp , leaving [me]0-i [a big bag of incredulous man at the top]994-a big bag of incredulous man at the top . [I]26-maddie ’m changing the deal , ”[26-maddie] [she]26-maddie calls , fixing an earring in [her]26-maddie ear as [she]26-maddie goes . Excuse [me]0-i ? [I]0-i fly off down [the stairs]244-the stairs after [her]26-maddie . [You]26-maddie ca n’t change the deal . ”[0-i] [I]26-maddie just did . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie disappears into [the kitchen]228-the kitchen as [I]0-i round the bottom of [the stairs]244-the stairs at one hundred miles an hour , skidding [my]0-i way around the corner after [her]26-maddie . [I]0-i find [her]26-maddie collecting [her]26-maddie purse off [the island]2099-the island . [Her]26-maddie face is begging [me]0-i to challenge [her]26-maddie . Oh , [I]0-i challenge . Does n’t [she]26-maddie know [me]0-i at all ? [My]0-i brain spasms at that thought , and [I]0-i boot it away before [I]0-i can spend too much time agonizing over the fact that [she]26-maddie does n’t at the moment . Well , [she]26-maddie soon will . “ The dress goes . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie lifts [her]26-maddie dress even higher up [her]26-maddie thigh , and [I]0-i recoil at [her]26-maddie sheer insolence . And cheek . And bravery . “ The dress is staying . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie looks down [herself]26-maddie again . “ It pulls [me]26-maddie in at all the right places . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie does n’t need pulling in . What [she]26-maddie needs is a dress at least a foot longer . Ordinarily , [she]26-maddie knows [I]0-i ca n’t be held responsible for [my]0-i actions if [some stupid prick]997-some stupid prick makes an inappropriate or rude remark , and the chance of that happening when [she]26-maddie ’s wearing a dress like this is multiplied by a million . “ What are [you]2589-you gon na do , anyway ? ”[26-maddie] Another challenge , and [I]0-i have to stop [myself]0-i from laughing . [You]2589-you really should n’t ask [me]0-i that question . [I]0-i ’m not above doing it again . ”[0-i] [I]0-i walk over to the drawer and pull it open , searching through the utensils . Give [me]0-i strength , that dress barely covers [her]26-maddie arse . “ The scissors are in the other drawer , ”[26-maddie] [she]26-maddie says , so matter - of - factly , almost casually . “ What ? ”[26-maddie] [I]0-i nearly chop [my]0-i fingers off when [I]0-i slam the drawer shut , swinging around to face [her]26-maddie . How did [she]26-maddie know [I]0-i was searching for the scissors ? Looking a little blank , [she]26-maddie lifts [her]26-maddie arm and points to a drawer . “ That one . ”[26-maddie] [I]0-i ’m no longer shaking with anger , [I]0-i ’m shaking with excitement , but [I]0-i force [myself]0-i into something close to nonchalance . It ’s fucking hard . This is colossal . [I]0-i move slowly toward the drawer and place [my]0-i hand on it , never removing [my]0-i eyes from [hers]26-maddie . “ This one ? ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie nods and [I]0-i pull it open , blindly reaching inside for the scissors . Pulling them out , [I]0-i calmly shut the drawer . And [she]26-maddie frowns . “ Why are [you]2590-you looking for the scissors , anyway ? ”[26-maddie] [I]0-i refuse to let [her]26-maddie sudden confusion beat [me]0-i down . What just happened was another glimmer of hope . Lifting them in the air , [I]0-i point them at the offending red dress and snip the air . “ Are [you]2590-you going to remove the dress , or am [I]0-i cutting it off ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i tilt [my]0-i head , a little serious , but mostly playfully . Truth be told , [I]0-i ’d let [her]26-maddie wear the dress now . [My]0-i mood has changed considerably . [Comprehension]119-comprehension slams into [her]26-maddie , [her]26-maddie jaw dropping . “ Oh [my]119-comprehension God , [you]119-comprehension cut off [my]119-comprehension dress ? ”[119-comprehension] [Her]26-maddie hands come to the sides of [her]26-maddie head and press against [her]26-maddie temples , like [she]26-maddie could be trying to squeeze the memory to the front . “ What kind of unreasonable arsehole are [you]119-comprehension ? ”[26-maddie] “ The one [you]119-comprehension love , ”[0-i] [I]0-i declare , walking forward , snip - snipping at the air , a cunning smirk pulling at [my]0-i lips . “ Remove the dress . ”[26-maddie] “ Fuck [you]119-comprehension , [Jesse]454-jesse . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie ’s absolutely outraged . It ’s sweetly reminiscent . [Jesus]26-maddie , did [I]26-maddie actually let [you]119-comprehension do that ? ”[26-maddie] “ Yes . [You]119-comprehension were too distracted by all [my]26-maddie handsome glory to notice what [I]26-maddie was doing until it was too late . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie snorts . [I]26-maddie ’ve never met such [an egomaniac]2591-an egomaniac . ”[26-maddie] “ Yes , [you]119-comprehension have . ”[0-i] [I]0-i continue to stalk forward , ready to pounce when [she]26-maddie bolts . “ And [you]119-comprehension married [him]2591-an egomaniac . ”[0-i] [I]0-i must have been mad . ”[0-i] [I]0-i take no offense , do n’t let [her]26-maddie claim faze [me]0-i , since there ’s absolutely no conviction in [her]26-maddie tone . Just lust . “ Crazy mad , ”[0-i] [I]0-i whisper , smiling when [she]26-maddie starts taking steps back , trying to keep some distance between [us]998-us . “ Crazy mad , ”[26-maddie] [she]26-maddie murmurs in reply , [her]26-maddie eyes clouding over with a ton of desire . [You]26-maddie are [the crazy - mad one]26-maddie . ”[26-maddie] [Her]26-maddie arse meets the worktop , [her]26-maddie retreat blocked . [I]0-i reach [her]26-maddie and press [my]0-i front to [hers]26-maddie , dipping to put [my]0-i mouth at [her]26-maddie ear . “ Take it off . ”[0-i] “ No . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie ’s being defiant for the sake of it , playing the game . [She]26-maddie knows one way or another this dress is coming off . [You]2592-you ’re heading for a Retribution Fuck . ”[26-maddie] Startled , [she]26-maddie looks up at [me]0-i , [my]0-i promise snapping [her]26-maddie out of [her]26-maddie trance . [I]0-i immediately kick [myself]0-i . Too much ? [Ava]238-ava laughs somewhere between bewilderment and amusement . “ What the hell is a Retribution Fuck ? ”[238-ava] [I]0-i feel heat in [my]0-i cheeks , and [she]26-maddie has n’t missed it , [her]26-maddie gaze jumping from [my]0-i bristly face to [my]0-i eyes . There are so many mind - bending things for [her]26-maddie to get [her]26-maddie head around . The time has come to address the fucks . While the styles of fucks [I]0-i lay on [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie were perfectly understood between [us]1000-us , [I]0-i never imagined what it must sound like to [a stranger]1001-a stranger . And , right now , painfully , [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie is practically [a stranger]1001-a stranger . Great . So [we]1000-us ’re going to have a conversation about fucks . Why did n’t [I]0-i keep [my]0-i stupid mouth shut and focus on getting that dress off ? [I]0-i take in air , wary of [her]26-maddie half smile . [She]26-maddie might not be smiling in a minute . “ Want to sit down ? ”[26-maddie] “ Do [I]26-maddie need to ? ”[26-maddie] “ Probably , ”[0-i] [I]0-i admit , reluctantly moving from [her]26-maddie path . [She]26-maddie moves across to the chair and slowly lowers , [her]26-maddie eyes always on [me]0-i . “ So , the Retribution Fuck ? ”[26-maddie] “ It ’s like a punishment , [I]0-i guess . ”[0-i] [I]0-i shrug and put the stupid scissors away . [She]26-maddie looks horrified , and every reason for [me]0-i to be worried about this conversation is confirmed . [You]0-i punish [me]26-maddie ? ”[26-maddie] “ Yes , but [you]0-i like it . ”[26-maddie] [I]26-maddie like being punished ? ”[26-maddie] Damn it . How can [I]0-i explain this so it makes any sense at all ? “ It ’s a game , ”[0-i] [I]0-i start , having a quick nibble on [my]0-i lip before [I]0-i go on . “ A power play . [You]0-i ’ve always humored [me]0-i . ”[0-i] Fucking hell , what do [I]0-i sound like ? “ The handcuffs … ”[26-maddie] [Her]26-maddie neck recoils sharply , and [she]26-maddie hisses , reaching for [her]26-maddie head on a wince . Guilt tears [me]0-i up inside , and [I]0-i move in to ease [her]26-maddie , but come to an abrupt halt when [she]26-maddie raises [her]26-maddie hand , warning [me]0-i off . “ Handcuffs ? Again with the handcuffs . [You]0-i did n’t just use [them]2593-them as a gimmick on [our]2594-our wedding day ? ”[26-maddie] Fucking hell . [I]0-i shrug sheepishly . “ It ’s all part of the game . ”[0-i] [Ava]238-ava looks away , [her]238-ava hand still on [her]238-ava head , rubbing lightly . “ Who has the power ? ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava murmurs meekly . Another jolt of life sparks within [me]0-i , and [I]0-i quickly put [myself]0-i on the stool in front of [her]238-ava , taking [her]238-ava hands from [her]238-ava head and holding them firmly . [Me]0-i . ”[0-i] [I]0-i swap [her]238-ava hands for [her]238-ava cheeks and plant a kiss on [her]238-ava lips . “ Always [me]0-i . ”[0-i] “ But something tells [me]238-ava it ’s actually [me]238-ava , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava says against [my]0-i lips , and [I]0-i smile like [a madman]1002-a madman , because [she]238-ava ’s right . [You]238-ava keep telling [yourself]238-ava that , [lady]238-ava . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i rub [her]238-ava nose with [mine]0-i . “ So [you]238-ava punish [me]238-ava . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava takes [my]0-i hands from [her]238-ava cheeks and interlaces [our]1003-our fingers . “ What for ? ”[238-ava] “ Not doing as [you]238-ava ’re told . And sometimes [I]238-ava utilize the Reminder Fuck , just to remind [you]238-ava of [[your]238-ava place]2595-your place . ”[238-ava] Eyes wider still , [she]238-ava just stares at [me]0-i . “ The Retribution . The Reminder . All sounds lovely . ”[238-ava] The sarcasm in [her]238-ava tone is potent . “ What other fucks do [we]1003-our have ? ”[238-ava] [I]238-ava think [[your]238-ava favorite]2596-your favorite is the Truth . ”[238-ava] “ Why ? ”[238-ava] “ Well , [you]238-ava get to handcuff [me]0-i , usually when [I]0-i ’m asleep . ”[0-i] [I]0-i scowl at [her]238-ava . [I]0-i ca n’t help it . “ And [you]238-ava use [your]238-ava position of power to extract information from [me]238-ava . ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava eyebrow lifts , [her]238-ava eyes looking [me]0-i up and down . [She]238-ava ’s imagining restraining [me]0-i . It ’s both thrilling and terrifying . Especially when there ’s so much more about [us]1004-us for [her]238-ava to learn . [I]0-i decide here and now that , in actual fact , [I]0-i ’d hate it if [Ava]238-ava laid a Truth Fuck on [me]0-i again . [I]0-i make a mental note to find the cuffs and hide them somewhere [she]238-ava ’ll never find [them]1005-them . “ Then there ’s the Apology , ”[0-i] [I]0-i continue . “ Who ’s apologizing ? ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava asks quickly , though [I]0-i know [she]238-ava knows . [You]238-ava . ”[238-ava] “ What for ? ”[238-ava] “ Usually being defiant . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava laughs again . “ Like wearing an unsuitable dress ? ”[238-ava] “ Exactly like that . ”[238-ava] “ So are [you]238-ava going to make [me]238-ava apologize ? ”[238-ava] Jesus , [I]0-i ’d love nothing more . [My]0-i dick is screaming at [me]0-i to let [her]238-ava . [I]0-i ’m not sure [you]238-ava ’re up for that just yet . ”[0-i] “ Why ? What do [you]238-ava make [me]238-ava do ? ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava face is becoming more horrified by the second . Make [her]238-ava ? [I]0-i do n’t make [her]238-ava do a damn thing . Would n’t dream of it . [My]0-i lips press together . Jesus Christ , [I]0-i must sound like a monster . [I]0-i cough and glance down at [my]0-i groin , and [Ava]238-ava flies up from [her]238-ava stool . “ Are [you]238-ava fucking kidding [me]238-ava , [Ward]454-jesse ? ”[238-ava] More sparks , more life . [She]238-ava called [me]0-i [Ward]454-jesse . [She]238-ava only ever calls [me]0-i that when [she]238-ava ’s spitting mad with [me]0-i . And what do [I]0-i do when [she]238-ava swears ? “ Watch [your]238-ava fucking mouth ! ”[0-i] [I]0-i bellow , knocking [her]238-ava back a few steps with the force . “ Fuck off ! ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava snaps , stomping off out of [the kitchen]228-the kitchen . Shit , [I]0-i love [her]238-ava so fucking much . [I]0-i go after [her]238-ava , hearing [her]238-ava indignant huffs and puffs as [she]238-ava stamps up [the stairs]244-the stairs . [Ava]238-ava , ”[0-i] [I]0-i call , running up behind [her]238-ava , three steps at a time . “ Fuck [you]238-ava ! [You]238-ava ’re a hypocritical wanker , [Ward]454-jesse . Watch [my]0-i mouth ? Why do n’t [you]238-ava watch [yours]238-ava ! ”[0-i] [I]0-i notice a small limp in [her]238-ava last few steps . [You]238-ava called [me]0-i [Ward]454-jesse ! ”[0-i] [I]0-i rush to explain , and [she]238-ava stops . [You]238-ava always call [me]238-ava [Ward]454-jesse when [you]238-ava ’re cranky with [me]238-ava . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava slowly turns , [her]238-ava thoughtful face coming into sight . [I]238-ava imagine [I]238-ava call [you]238-ava Ward all the time , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava mutters . “ A few times a day , ”[0-i] [I]0-i admit , [my]0-i shoulders jumping up casually . “ Mostly [you]238-ava humor [my]0-i needy side . ”[0-i] [I]0-i extend [my]0-i hand from a few steps below [her]238-ava , resigning [myself]0-i to the fact that , today , the dress can stay . [She]238-ava just better hold [me]0-i back if [some pervert]1008-some pervert has a wandering eye . “ And the thing [I]238-ava need most of all is [you]238-ava . ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava body softens , [her]238-ava sigh definitely dreamy . “ And then [you]238-ava ’re all romantic . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i smile , and [I]0-i know it ’s shy . [I]0-i ’ve been known to have [my]0-i moments . ”[0-i] “ Like ? ”[238-ava] The interest in [her]238-ava voice thrills [me]0-i . [She]238-ava ’s craving information , and [I]0-i ’m more than happy to give it . [We]2597-we have romantic fucks too , [you]238-ava know . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava laughs lightly . “ Well that ’s a relief . ”[238-ava] “ There ’s sleepy twilight sex . And sleepy sex . And the Compromise Fuck . [We]2597-we had loads of those when [you]238-ava were expecting [the twins]2012-the twins . ”[238-ava] “ And what does a Compromise Fuck entail ? ”[238-ava] “ A little rough , a lot of gentle . And , for the record , [lady]238-ava , [you]238-ava were the one who wanted the rough . ”[0-i] [I]0-i nod when [she]238-ava huffs a light breeze of surprised laughter . “ And then there ’s the Quiet Fuck . Usually when [we]2597-we ’ve stayed at [[your]238-ava parents]329-your parents ’ . ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava light laughter turns quickly into hard laughter . [You]238-ava gag [me]238-ava , do n’t [you]238-ava ? ”[238-ava] [You]238-ava ca n’t keep [your]238-ava pleasure quiet , [Ava]238-ava . What can [I]0-i say ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i shrug around a cocky grin , and [she]238-ava shakes [her]238-ava head in dismay . “ Go on , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava urges . [I]0-i take a step up , bringing [us]1009-us to eye level . “ The Proposal Fuck was quite romantic . ”[0-i] [You]238-ava asked [me]238-ava to marry [you]238-ava during sex ? ”[238-ava] “ Actually , [you]238-ava were handcuffed to the bed and [I]238-ava did n’t release [you]238-ava until [you]238-ava accepted . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava ’s now on the verge of falling to [her]238-ava arse in amusement . [I]0-i know it ’s a lot to take on board . But at least [she]238-ava ’s laughing and not raging anymore . [I]238-ava ca n’t believe what [I]238-ava ’m hearing . ”[238-ava] “ Believe it , [baby]194-kate . But if it makes [you]194-kate feel better , [I]238-ava did propose again . On [my]238-ava knee . In front of [[your]194-kate parents]2182-her parents . ”[238-ava] Satisfaction flourishes before [my]0-i very eyes . [She]238-ava looks dreamy , one hand moving to [her]238-ava chest . This pleases [her]238-ava . [I]0-i know how much [[her]238-ava parents]2182-her parents ’ opinion means to [her]238-ava . [I]0-i try to behave around [them]2182-her parents . [I]0-i try real hard . [I]0-i do n’t always succeed , but still . It ’s the thought that counts . “ It was [my]238-ava birthday . [You]2601-you could n’t say no . ”[238-ava] A smile pulls at the side of [her]238-ava mouth . “ And how old were [you]2601-you ? ”[238-ava] “ Twenty - five . ”[238-ava] Softly chuckling , [she]238-ava glances away , clearly coming to terms with all of this . [Her]238-ava life . [My]0-i life . [Our]1011-our life . “ Wait . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava looks back to [me]0-i . “ Why did [you]2601-you propose twice ? ”[238-ava] All the contentment flowing through [my]0-i veins turns to acid , [my]0-i lips forming a straight , annoyed line . [I]0-i ’m not annoyed with [her]238-ava , more with [myself]0-i . [We]2602-we ’d had a disagreement . ”[0-i] “ Really ? [I]238-ava ca n’t imagine what there could have been for [us]2602-we to disagree about . ”[238-ava] There it is . That sarcasm . “ Sarcasm — ”[238-ava] “ Does n’t suit [me]0-i . [I]0-i know . Why did [you]2601-you propose twice ? ”[0-i] “ Can [we]2602-we get back to the fucks ? ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava head tilts in impatience . “ Tell [me]238-ava . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i ca n’t go over this again , and [I]0-i ’m not afraid to tell [her]238-ava so . “ It does n’t matter . Just know [I]238-ava punished [myself]238-ava and [you]2601-you punished [me]238-ava , too . ”[238-ava] Comprehension dawns fast , and [she]238-ava flinches , as if [she]238-ava could be being hit with the motherfucking whip in [her]238-ava mind . “ So [you]2601-you cheated on [me]238-ava when [we]1012-we were engaged ? ”[238-ava] [God]373-god , no ! ”[0-i] [I]0-i blurt , disgusted by the suggestion . Give [me]0-i strength . [I]0-i wo n’t insult [her]238-ava and tell [her]238-ava [we]1012-we barely knew each other , nor will [I]0-i argue [my]0-i case in any way . It ’s done . [I]0-i ca n’t change it . [I]0-i hate [myself]0-i every day for it , but it ’s done . [You]2601-you found out when [we]1012-we were engaged . That ’s why [I]0-i proposed to [you]2601-you again . Properly . [I]0-i was trying to show [you]2601-you that [I]0-i could be [the man [you]2601-you needed]2603-the man you needed , as well as [the man [you]2601-you wanted]2603-the man you needed . ”[0-i] “ Oh ”[238-ava] is [her]238-ava only acknowledgment . Good . Let ’s move on . On to the most utilized fuck in [our]1012-we lives . “ The Danger Fuck is [our]1012-we favorite these days . ”[0-i] “ What ’s that ? ”[0-i] “ When [the kids]2010-the kids are within a mile radius . ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava smile ’s back . And so is [mine]0-i . “ Can [we]1012-we go for dinner now ? ”[238-ava] “ Depends . ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava nose lifts , and [she]238-ava waits for [me]0-i to ask for confirmation of what exactly [our]1012-we date depends on . [I]0-i do n’t need to ask . On a dramatic roll of [my]0-i eyes , [I]0-i pick [her]238-ava up , mindful of that limp , and carry [her]238-ava down [the stairs]244-the stairs . [You]238-ava can wear the stupid fucking dress . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava grins , victorious , and loops [her]238-ava hands over [my]0-i neck . “ Was n’t so hard , was it ? ”[238-ava] [We]1012-we ’ve not left [the house]2056-the house yet . And [you]238-ava should have worn flats instead of heels . [I]238-ava saw [you]238-ava limping . ”[238-ava] [I]238-ava was n’t limping . ”[238-ava] “ Are [you]238-ava arguing with [me]238-ava ? ”[238-ava] “ Yes . ”[0-i] [I]0-i wrinkle [my]0-i nose and nuzzle [hers]238-ava . “ Are [you]238-ava wearing lace under that red thing ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i did n’t have much choice . There ’s nothing but lace in [my]0-i knicker drawer . ”[0-i] “ Good . ”[0-i] [I]0-i carry [her]238-ava out and put [her]238-ava in [my]0-i Aston , pulling the belt across [her]238-ava body . [She]238-ava does n’t protest , just lets [me]0-i do [my]0-i thing and buckle [her]238-ava up . [We]2606-we ’re late , ”[0-i] [I]0-i muse , checking [my]0-i Rolex as [I]0-i shut the door and round [the car]2161-the car . Falling into [the driver]927-the driver ’s seat , [I]0-i start [her]238-ava up and rev a few times . “ That ’s [your]2607-your fault for having so many fucks to explain . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava goes to the mirror and applies a little gloss to [her]238-ava lips . “ Which was [your]2607-your favorite , by the way ? ”[238-ava] [I]0-i laugh , loud and sharp as [I]0-i put the stereo on and [Glass Animals]120-glass animals“ Youth ”[120-glass animals] fills [the car]2161-the car . “ All except the Truth . ”[120-glass animals] [I]0-i turn up the volume and zoom off , reminding [myself]0-i to find those handcuffs and hide [them]1016-them . Chapter 27 As expected , [the gang]984-the gang is waiting for [us]1018-us when [we]1018-us arrive , all sitting around a table in [the corner]1019-the corner , two spaces left for [me]0-i and [Ava]238-ava . As soon as [Kate]194-kate spots [us]1018-us , [she]194-kate scrambles up from [her]194-kate chair and takes [Ava]238-ava in a hug , getting as close as [her]238-ava baby bump will allow . “ So good to see [you]238-ava . ”[194-kate] [We]1018-us ’re still young in [my]238-ava head . ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava sighs , and [Kate]194-kate starts giggling . “ How ’s yoga going ? ”[194-kate] “ Great . [I]0-i met [a girl]2026-a girl , [Zara]116-zara[she]2026-a girl ’s so lovely — and [she]2026-a girl mentioned that the firm [she]2026-a girl works for is always looking for [new interior designers]2609-new interior designers . [I]0-i might look into it . ”[0-i] [I]0-i scowl . Over [my]0-i dead body . “ That ’s fab , ”[194-kate] [Kate]194-kate says , flicking [me]0-i a cautious look as [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie pulls away and tugs that ridiculous dress down [her]26-maddie thighs . [I]0-i scowl again , this time at the racy red number , wondering what [I]0-i was thinking letting [her]26-maddie wear it , and pull out [Ava]238-ava ’s chair . “ Sit , ”[0-i] [I]0-i order , earning a collection of incredulous looks from all angles of the table . “ Please , ”[0-i] [I]0-i add through [my]0-i ticking jaw . [Ava]238-ava lowers to the seat , the tension obviously thick , not because of [my]0-i beef with the dress , and not because [she]238-ava ’s talking about a job [she]238-ava is n’t going to be applying for . It ’s the first time [the guys]1021-the guys have seen [Ava]238-ava since the accident . [Sam]50-sam , [Drew]53-drew , and [Raya]54-raya all look a bit nervous , [none of [them]1021-the guys]1022-none of them obviously knowing what to say to [her]54-raya . [Ava]238-ava must sense it , because [she]238-ava flicks [me]0-i a nervous look and then sighs , returning [her]238-ava attention back to [[our]1023-our quiet friends]1024-our quiet friends . “ Nice to meet [you]1024-our quiet friends , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava chirps . [The guys]1021-the guys laugh , and the tension lessens as a result of [her]238-ava joke . “ Drinks ? ”[1021-the guys] [I]0-i flick [my]0-i arm in the air , summoning [a waiter]1025-the waiter . [Everyone]121-everyone throws [their]121-everyone orders at [me]0-i for alcohol , excluding [Kate]194-kate , but including [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie . [I]0-i do n’t think so . “ Water , please , ”[0-i] [I]0-i tell [the waiter]1025-the waiter as [I]0-i indicate to [Kate]194-kate and [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie . “ For [me]0-i , too . And wine for [Raya]54-raya . ”[0-i] [I]0-i nod across to [her]26-maddie . “ Make it a bottle , ”[53-drew] [Drew]53-drew pipes in quietly . [Ava]238-ava ’s hand meets [my]0-i forearm as [she]238-ava leans across , speaking quietly . [I]238-ava ’d like wine . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava thinks [I]0-i did n’t hear [her]238-ava . [I]0-i heard [her]238-ava perfectly . Louder than [everyone else who virtually shouted [their]1027-everyone else who virtually shouted their order to me order to [me]0-i]1027-everyone else who virtually shouted their order to me . Smiling tightly at [the waiter]1025-the waiter , who ’s paused scribbling on [his]1025-the waiter pad , looking at [me]0-i , [I]0-i turn toward [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie . [You]26-maddie ’re not having it . ”[26-maddie] [My]0-i tone is a warning , and [she]26-maddie would do well to take notice . As [I]0-i slowly swivel back toward [the waiter]1025-the waiter , [I]0-i catch the faces of [[our]1030-our friends]1031-our friends . [All of [them]1031-our friends]1031-our friends are silent . Watching . Nervous . “ Water , ”[0-i] [I]0-i reiterate , taking [my]0-i napkin and laying it across [my]0-i lap . Silence . Eyes dodging [me]0-i and [Ava]238-ava . Awkward vibes . [I]0-i start chewing [my]0-i lip , peeking out of the corner of [my]0-i eye . The look of pure disgust on [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie ’s face actually makes [me]0-i wince . Shit , [she]26-maddie looks livid . [You]26-maddie ’d better order [me]26-maddie some wine , [Ward]454-jesse . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie comes close , eyes full of fire , making [me]0-i slowly lean back . [I]0-i hear [Sam]50-sam cough through a laugh , and [Drew]53-drew snorts . [Wankers]122-wankers . [They]122-wankers should be backing [me]0-i up . [She]26-maddie just came out the other side of a horrific car incident . [She]26-maddie ’s not at full health . Drinking alcohol would be daft , and it would be highly irresponsible for [me]0-i to let [her]26-maddie . “ Now , ”[26-maddie] [she]26-maddie adds on a growl that rivals [mine]0-i . “ It ’s not safe , ”[0-i] [I]0-i argue quietly . “ The last thing [you]26-maddie need is alcohol fuzzing [your]26-maddie already pickled mind . ”[26-maddie] [Pickled]123-pickled ? ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie coughs over [my]0-i lame choice of word . [My]26-maddie mind is n’t pickled , [Jesse]454-jesse . Order [me]26-maddie some wine , or so help [me]26-maddie [God]373-god … ”[26-maddie] “ So help [you]26-maddie God what ? ”[26-maddie] [I]26-maddie[I]26-maddie do n’t know . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie stutters over a few more words before clearly finding the one [she]26-maddie ’s looking for . [Divorce]124-divorce , ”[26-maddie] [she]26-maddie spits scathingly . The whole table gasps , [me]0-i the loudest , and [Ava]238-ava shoots [[our]1032-our friends]1031-our friends a surprised look . “ What ? ”[194-kate] [Kate]194-kate shakes [her]194-kate head mildly , warningly , and [Sam]50-sam blows out [his]50-sam cheeks . “ Red flag . [Bull]125-bull on the loose . That ’s all [I]50-sam ’m saying . ”[50-sam] [He]50-sam disappears into [his]50-sam glass , while [I]0-i fight to maintain [my]0-i temper before it sends [me]0-i off around [the restaurant]1034-the restaurant in a whirlwind . Divorce ? That damn fucking word is banned from [our]1032-our lives . “ Well . ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava shrugs , nonchalant , though [I]0-i can sense [her]238-ava buried wariness . [I]238-ava only want a glass of wine . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i can feel the pressure in [my]0-i head building , [my]0-i body rolling where [I]0-i sit . “ Oh , here [we]1032-our go , ”[53-drew] [Drew]53-drew says quietly , taking [his]50-sam glass , as if it could protect [him]50-sam from the imminent explosion . [I]0-i bolt forward in [my]0-i chair . “ Take that back , ”[0-i] [I]0-i demand . [She]238-ava flies forward , too , matching [my]0-i threat , the defiant thing that [she]238-ava is . “ Order [me]238-ava wine . ”[238-ava] “ No . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava quickly has hold of [my]0-i jaw , squeezing hard . “ Do it . ”[238-ava] A staring deadlock that would put all others that have come before to shame holds [us]1035-us in [our]1035-us positions for what seems like forever . [I]0-i ’m mad , so fucking mad , but deep inside , past that madness , is happiness . [She]238-ava ’s always known when to let [me]0-i win , and now is n’t one of those times . [She]238-ava ’s finding [her]238-ava feet . Getting to know [us]1035-us . It takes a lot . A fucking lot , but … “ Fine . [You]2610-you can have one glass , ”[0-i] [I]0-i relent , thinking [she]238-ava ’s on to [a good one]1036-a good one and [she]238-ava better appreciate it . [We]1035-us ’ll see . ”[238-ava] [We]1035-us will , ”[0-i] [I]0-i agree , prying [her]238-ava fingers from [my]0-i jaw , maintaining [my]0-i glare . “ Are [you]2610-you done ? ”[194-kate] [Kate]194-kate sighs , accepting the bottle of white when [the waiter]1025-the waiter approaches , making quick work of pouring for [Raya]54-raya , and then [Ava]238-ava before [I]0-i change [my]0-i mind . [She]238-ava does n’t miss [my]0-i eye on the side of [Ava]238-ava ’s glass , watching the level . “ Though [I]194-kate have to say , ”[194-kate] [Kate]194-kate goes on , nodding at [Ava]238-ava to seize the goods before it ’s swiped away by [the madman]1038-the madman sitting next to [her]194-kate , “ it ’s kind of nice to see [you]54-raya ’re still [you]54-raya . ”[194-kate] Toasting [us]1039-us across the table , [she]238-ava sips [her]238-ava water . “ So when ’s the wedding ? ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava asks [Raya]54-raya , pulling the table back to some light chitchat . [My]0-i glare hardens when [she]238-ava takes [her]238-ava glass and peeks at [me]0-i on a hidden grin as [she]238-ava takes [her]238-ava first sip . [She]238-ava ’ll pay for that . [I]0-i put [myself]0-i into the conversation , but [my]0-i attention is never far from [Ava]238-ava ’s wineglass . It ’s been weeks since [she]238-ava had a drink , and [we]1039-us need to be careful of any reaction with the meds [she]238-ava ’s on . A few sips will be like a few bottles . “ Excuse [me]238-ava , ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava announces as [she]238-ava stands . [I]238-ava need [the ladies]2611-the ladies . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i sit up straight , contemplating escorting [her]238-ava as [she]238-ava leaves [us]1039-us . Is that a limp ? Or is it a drunken wobble ? [I]0-i do n’t know , and [I]0-i need to be sure . Either way , [she]238-ava could do with [my]0-i help . [I]0-i make to stand . [Jesse]454-jesse , ”[194-kate] [Kate]194-kate calls across the table . “ Leave [her]238-ava . ”[194-kate] “ But — ”[238-ava] “ Leave . [Her]238-ava . ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava order is almost a warning . Like [I]0-i ’d ever take any notice . Except this time [I]0-i do . [I]0-i do n’t know why , but [I]0-i do . [My]0-i eyes pass from the table to [Ava]238-ava ’s back a few times as [she]238-ava gets farther and farther away from [me]0-i . [I]0-i ’m so torn . [I]50-sam ’d listen , ”[50-sam] [Sam]50-sam says , pointing to [[his]50-sam girlfriend]263-argh ’s pregnant belly with [his]50-sam beer . “ Honestly , [man]263-argh . [I]50-sam ’d listen . ”[50-sam] “ What if [she]194-kate stumbles ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i say to [Kate]194-kate , a clear vivid flashback of [her]194-kate delicate head coming into [my]0-i mind . There ’s blood . Lots of blood . [I]0-i wince . [She]194-kate ’s had one glass of wine . Now , sit . ”[0-i] “ Come on , [Jesse]454-jesse . ”[53-drew] [Drew]53-drew joins in the persuasion party . “ Know [your]454-jesse limits , [mate]263-argh . ”[53-drew] [I]0-i drop to the chair with a thud . [I]0-i know fuck all anymore , ”[0-i] [I]0-i admit , [my]0-i head finding [my]0-i hands . [I]0-i do n’t know if [she]194-kate ’ll ever remember [me]0-i , [the kids]2010-the kids , [our]2010-the kids life . [I]0-i know nothing , and it ’s breaking [my]0-i fucking heart . ”[0-i] [I]0-i will [myself]0-i not to cry , try so fucking hard , but that one traitorous tear drops to the table , seeming to make a bang when it lands on the cloth . [My]0-i strength is waning . [I]0-i ’m finally crumbling for [everyone]283-everyone to see . [Kate]194-kate ’s next to [me]0-i in a heartbeat , followed quickly by [Raya]54-raya on the other side . [Two women]2421-two women rushing to comfort [the big baby]1043-the big baby . “ Do n’t let [your]1043-the big baby frustration beat [you]1043-the big baby , ”[54-raya] [Raya]54-raya tells [me]0-i , nudging [my]0-i shoulder playfully . “ There ’s no way [she]194-kate could forget what [you]1043-the big baby two have . Not forever . ”[54-raya] “ Are [you]1043-the big baby being over the top ? ”[194-kate] [Kate]194-kate pipes in , spiking light laughter from [[my]0-i supposed best mates]1044-my supposed best mates . “ Smothering [her]194-kate ? ”[194-kate] “ No , ”[0-i] [I]0-i assure [her]194-kate . [Jesus]26-maddie , [I]0-i ’m sleeping in the spare bed . [I]0-i even let [her]194-kate wear that fucking ridiculous dress . And now [she]194-kate ’s drinking wine when [I]0-i really do n’t think [she]194-kate should be . So [you]26-maddie ca n’t tell [me]0-i [I]0-i ’m being too suffocating . ”[0-i] [I]0-i leave out the rampage [I]0-i went on yesterday when [she]194-kate went missing . [They]1045-they do n’t need to know that bit . [I]0-i sniff and grab [my]0-i water , so wishing [I]0-i could swap it for something stronger . A lot stronger . [She]194-kate ’ll get there . Keep at it , ”[50-sam] [Sam]50-sam offers on a rare smile of support . “ Yeah . ”[50-sam] [I]0-i swallow down [my]0-i frustration and straighten [myself]0-i out . What the fuck has gotten into [me]0-i ? Blubbering like [a baby in front of [friends]2054-friends]1046-a baby in front of friends . “ Here [she]194-kate is . ”[0-i] [I]0-i brush at [my]0-i eyes quickly as [Kate]194-kate and [Raya]54-raya return to [their]1045-they chairs . “ Do n’t worry , ”[53-drew] [Drew]53-drew says . [We]1045-they wo n’t tell [her]194-kate [you]2613-you ’ve been crying . ”[53-drew] “ Fuck [you]2613-you , ”[0-i] [I]0-i spit . [I]53-drew do believe [you]2613-you bawled one time when [you]2613-you thought a certain blonde had fucked off to [Australia]16-australia and left [your]2613-you sadistic arse . ”[53-drew] [Drew]53-drew shrivels on the spot , and [Raya]54-raya chuckles . “ How cute . ”[54-raya] [I]0-i pull out [Ava]238-ava ’s chair , and [she]238-ava graciously accepts , looking at [me]0-i as [she]238-ava lowers . “ Okay ? ”[238-ava] [I]0-i tug [her]238-ava closer , and [she]238-ava leans in , naturally coming until [my]0-i lips are pressed to [her]238-ava cheek . [I]238-ava ’m sorry , ”[238-ava] [I]0-i breathe across [her]238-ava skin . [I]238-ava worry , that ’s all . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava pulls back and smiles softly , reaching for [my]0-i cheek and caressing it lightly . [I]238-ava have [you]238-ava with [me]238-ava , so [I]238-ava ’ll be fine , right ? ”[238-ava] Never have those words sounded so comforting . Whether [she]238-ava ’s saying [them]1048-them because [she]238-ava ’s learning fast once again that [I]0-i need to hear them is a moot point . “ Right , ”[0-i] [I]0-i confirm . [We]2614-we need to make [friends]2054-friends . Kiss [me]238-ava . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava does n’t question [my]0-i order . And [I]0-i know it ’s instinct rather than [her]238-ava being wise or trying to pacify [me]0-i . [Her]238-ava kiss is just a lingering peck , only light , but still . [I]0-i ’m swallowed whole , caught in the moment . Until a cough interrupts [my]0-i bliss . Peeking across the table , [I]0-i find [everyone]283-everyone watching [us]1050-us . Waiting . Smiling . [Ava]238-ava starts faffing with [her]238-ava napkin as [I]0-i return to [my]0-i chair , smiling at the sudden color of [her]238-ava cheeks . “ Sorry , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava murmurs , [her]238-ava eyes darting everywhere except at [[our]1050-us friends]2032-my friends . [No one]210-no one is fazed . [No one]210-no one but [Ava]238-ava . [They]2032-my friends all know [us]1050-us . [We]1050-us might not be wholly [us]1050-us at this particular moment in [our]1050-us lives , but [I]0-i can tell [[my]0-i friends]2032-my friends are as pleased to see tiny hints of the normal [Jesse]454-jesse and [Ava]238-ava . [We]1050-us all order from the menu , the chat coming easier now . Observing [Ava]238-ava as [Kate]194-kate tells [her]238-ava stories from recent years is more pleasurable than [I]0-i anticipated . As [our]1050-us meals land on the table , [I]0-i watch for the next half hour as [Ava]238-ava pushes the food around [her]238-ava plate , drinking far more than [she]238-ava is eating . “ More wine ? ”[194-kate] [Kate]194-kate mumbles around [her]238-ava chili - infused dish , the hottest on the menu , nodding at [Ava]238-ava ’s glass . Am [I]0-i the only one here concerned about the amount of alcohol falling down [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie ’s throat ? Semi - scowling to [myself]0-i , [I]0-i lean toward [Ava]238-ava . “ Take it easy , [baby]238-ava . [You]238-ava ’re still fragile . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie rolls [her]26-maddie eyes , patting [my]0-i hand . It ’s so fucking condescending . [I]26-maddie ’m fine , ”[26-maddie] [she]26-maddie assures [me]0-i . An hour later , [she]26-maddie is not fine , and [I]0-i ’m fucking furious with [myself]0-i for backing down . [I]0-i do n’t trample all over [the place]2265-the place for the fun of it . There are always perfectly sound reasons for [me]0-i insisting on something , and the reason [I]0-i did n’t want [her]26-maddie to drink is evident as [Ava]238-ava wobbles [her]26-maddie way up from [her]26-maddie chair . [Kate]194-kate better not try to stop [me]0-i this time . Tossing a scowl to each of [[my]0-i friends]2032-my friends , just so [they]2032-my friends know [I]0-i ’m holding each of [them]2032-my friends accountable , [I]0-i take [Ava]238-ava ’s elbow and escort [her]238-ava to [the ladies]2611-the ladies . [I]238-ava ’m not drunk . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava hiccups and giggles . “ Well , not much . ”[238-ava] “ Be quiet , ”[0-i] [I]0-i grumble , letting [myself]0-i into [the restroom]1058-the restroom with [her]238-ava and pushing a stall door open . “ In [you]238-ava go . ”[0-i] [I]0-i fill the door as opposed to closing [her]238-ava in , holding one of [her]238-ava hands while [she]238-ava pulls [her]238-ava knickers down with the other . “ What are [you]238-ava smiling at ? ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava asks , lowering to the loo as [she]238-ava beams up at [me]0-i , squinting through drunken eyes . [I]238-ava ’m just surprised [you]238-ava have n’t ordered [me]238-ava out . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava ’s thoughtful for a beat . [I]238-ava did n’t even think of it . Besides , [we]2616-we ’ve had [babies]216-my babies together . [I]238-ava assume [you]238-ava were there for the birth . ”[238-ava] [My]0-i cheeks burn with the stretch of [my]0-i grin , fond memories of the day [[my]0-i babies]216-my babies were born coming back to [me]0-i like it could have happened yesterday . Where has that time gone ? “ It was the most beautiful day of [my]238-ava life . ”[238-ava] And stressful . [I]0-i pull off some tissue and pass it to [her]238-ava , then help [her]238-ava up when [she]238-ava ’s finished . [I]0-i think it ’s time to go [home]201-home . ”[0-i] “ Oh , but [I]238-ava ’ve had a lovely evening , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava whines , letting [me]0-i guide [her]238-ava to the sink . “ Listening to all the stories . ”[238-ava] Yes , it ’s been lovely , but not once has [she]238-ava shown even a hint of retrieving [her]238-ava memory , and [I]0-i ’ve been looking very closely for something . Anything . Just another glimmer . “ It ’s late . ”[0-i] [I]0-i flip the tap on and put [her]238-ava hands under . “ And [you]238-ava ’ve had more than enough to drink . ”[0-i] [Bossy]97-bossy boots . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava giggles as [I]0-i roll [my]0-i eyes and take [her]238-ava hands to the towel . “ Can [I]238-ava have one more glass before [we]2618-we go ? ”[238-ava] “ No . ”[0-i] [I]0-i hold [her]238-ava waist and guide [her]238-ava out of [the toilets]1060-the toilets , back to the table . [We]2618-we ’re going now . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i hold [Ava]238-ava with one arm while retrieving [my]0-i wallet with the other and grabbing some notes with [my]0-i teeth . [Ava]238-ava takes them from [my]0-i mouth before [I]0-i have a chance to spit them out . [He]2619-he wo n’t let [me]238-ava have another drink , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava grumbles , tossing the money on the table . “ What a bore . ”[238-ava] “ One more for [the road]2159-the road , [Jesse]454-jesse , ”[194-kate] [Kate]194-kate pleads , batting [her]194-kate lashes . [She]194-kate ’s just a little tipsy . ”[194-kate] “ A little tipsy is too tipsy . ”[238-ava] [I]238-ava ’m having fun , ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava retorts indignantly . “ It ’s not like there ’s much else to be happy about right now . [I]283-everyone ’m married to [man who [I]283-everyone do n’t know]2621-man who i do n’t know , [I]283-everyone do n’t recognize [[my]283-everyone children]2196-my children , and [I]283-everyone ’m missing sixteen years of [my]283-everyone life . ”[283-everyone] [Everyone]283-everyone shrinks at the table . [I]0-i ignore [them]283-everyone , and [I]0-i also ignore [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie , taking [her]26-maddie shoulders while biting [my]0-i tongue . “ Say good - bye , ”[0-i] [I]0-i grate . “ Bye ! ”[26-maddie] Turning [her]26-maddie steadily , [I]0-i proceed to guide [her]26-maddie drunken bones out of [the restaurant]1034-the restaurant . [I]0-i need to turn this around before [I]0-i lose [my]0-i rag . [I]0-i ’m so close . [You]0-i ’re heading for a Retribution Fuck , [lady]0-i . ”[0-i] [I]0-i open the door and give [her]26-maddie a deadly serious face when [she]26-maddie looks up at [me]0-i through lowered lashes . [She]26-maddie ’s imagining it . [Me]0-i fucking [her]26-maddie stupid while [she]26-maddie ’s handcuffed to [our]1064-our bed . “ What else are [you]0-i imagining ? ”[26-maddie] [I]0-i ask [her]26-maddie cockily , wanting [her]26-maddie to know that [I]0-i ’m fully aware of where [her]26-maddie inebriated mind is at . “ Nothing , ”[26-maddie] [she]26-maddie squeaks , moving past [me]0-i through the door , [her]26-maddie hips not swaying in [their]1065-their usual fashion , more jolting . That limp is getting worse . [I]0-i ’m hiding all of [her]26-maddie heels when [we]1066-we get [home]201-home . And [I]0-i should mention it to [[her]26-maddie doctor]1068-her doctor . [I]0-i ’m about to swoop in and remove [her]26-maddie from [her]26-maddie feet , when [she]26-maddie stops abruptly , causing [my]0-i front to collide with [her]26-maddie back , knocking [her]26-maddie forward a few steps . [I]0-i catch [her]26-maddie elbow and curse [her]26-maddie . “ For fuck ’s sake , [Ava]238-ava . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie pays no attention to [my]0-i irritation , [her]26-maddie focus remaining forward . [Matt]92-matt ? ”[26-maddie] [she]26-maddie says . [My]0-i neck cracks with the speed [I]0-i lift [my]0-i head , and [my]0-i hand automatically moves from [Ava]238-ava ’s elbow to [her]238-ava waist . [I]0-i also step forward and close the mere inch of space between [her]238-ava back and [my]0-i front . Anger races to the surface . It ’s made worse by the fact that [she]238-ava recognizes the wanker [she]238-ava was with before [she]238-ava met [me]0-i . It ’s a fucking kick in the teeth . A baseball bat to [my]0-i gut . And it only fans the flames of [my]0-i anger . Time has n’t been kind to [[Ava]238-ava ’s ex - boyfriend]1069-ava ’s ex - boyfriend . Not kind at all , though [I]0-i can tell by the way [he]1069-ava ’s ex - boyfriend ’s drinking in [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie that [he]1069-ava ’s ex - boyfriend thinks otherwise where [she]26-maddie ’s concerned . Fucking hell , hold [me]0-i back . [Ava]238-ava ? ”[1069-ava ’s ex - boyfriend] [He]1069-ava ’s ex - boyfriend moves forward , oblivious to [me]0-i looming beyond . [I]0-i ’m head and shoulders above [Ava]238-ava ; [you]1071-you ca n’t fucking miss [me]0-i unless something more pleasurable is stealing all of [your]1071-you attention , and [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie , especially in that ridiculously short red thing , is definitely a more pleasurable sight than [me]0-i . [My]0-i face is twitching , caught between snarling , growling , and glaring . “ Wow , [you]1071-you look amazing . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie shifts before [me]0-i . Is [she]26-maddie trying to break away from [me]0-i ? Or is [she]26-maddie nervous ? [I]0-i do n’t know , and [I]0-i like the thought of neither , so [I]0-i lock [my]0-i hand tighter on [her]26-maddie waist . [She]26-maddie ’s going nowhere . But [Matt]92-matt is if [he]92-matt does n’t fuck off . Like into space when [I]0-i launch [him]92-matt there with [my]0-i fist . “ Thanks , [Matt]92-matt . ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava looks back at [me]0-i , though [I]0-i ca n’t tell if [her]238-ava look is wary or warning . [My]0-i eyes are preoccupied burning holes through [her]238-ava arse - wipe ex . Just hearing [her]238-ava say [his]92-matt name causes all kinds of fury within [me]0-i . [I]92-matt read in the paper that [you]92-matt were involved in an accident . Sounded pretty bad . ”[92-matt] [Matt]92-matt keeps [his]92-matt focus on [Ava]238-ava . “ Though [I]92-matt have to say , [you]238-ava ’re looking very well . ”[92-matt] [I]92-matt ’m getting there . [You]238-ava ’re looking good [yourself]238-ava . How have [you]238-ava been ? ”[92-matt] Seriously ? [I]0-i ’m expected to stand [here]2274-here like a spare part while [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie and [[her]26-maddie ex - boyfriend]1074-her ex - boyfriend have a fond reunion ? Not happening . Over [my]0-i dead fucking body . Or maybe it ’ll be over [Matt]92-matt ’s because , [I]0-i swear , [I]0-i will fucking kill [him]92-matt . [We]2623-we ’re leaving . ”[0-i] [I]0-i tug [Ava]238-ava on , keeping [my]0-i deadly stare trained on [Matt]92-matt as [I]0-i escort [her]238-ava away . [He]92-matt finally looks at [me]0-i , and [I]0-i will [him]92-matt to have a little think about what happened the last time [he]92-matt came sniffing around [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie . “ That was rude , [Jesse]454-jesse , ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava argues pointlessly as [I]0-i walk [us]1076-us to [the car]2161-the car . [I]0-i stop [her]26-maddie and bend , bringing [myself]0-i to [her]26-maddie eye level . [You]454-jesse do n’t remember what [he]92-matt did to [you]454-jesse , but [I]0-i do . ”[0-i] Instant bitterness travels in waves across [her]26-maddie face , and [I]0-i fear it ’s not bitterness toward [her]26-maddie ex , but toward [me]0-i . “ What did [he]92-matt do ? ”[26-maddie] [she]26-maddie asks , all cocky . [He]92-matt cheated on [you]454-jesse . [You]454-jesse lived with [him]92-matt , [Ava]238-ava , and [you]454-jesse moved out when [you]454-jesse found out [he]92-matt ’d cheated on [you]454-jesse . [He]92-matt ’s an arsehole . ”[26-maddie] [I]0-i see surprise on [her]26-maddie face , and definitely hurt . Over [him]1078-him ? “ So [he]1078-him cheated on [me]26-maddie , [you]454-jesse cheated on [me]26-maddie . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie laughs wickedly . “ What the fucking hell is wrong with [me]26-maddie ? And since [I]26-maddie ’m supposed to love [you]454-jesse madly , [your]454-jesse transgressions hurt more ! So the only arsehole [I]26-maddie see right now is [you]454-jesse , [Jesse]454-jesse . Just [you]454-jesse ! And [I]26-maddie fucking hate [you]454-jesse ! ”[26-maddie] [I]0-i can tell [she]26-maddie regrets the words almost immediately by the quick press of [her]26-maddie lips together , plus [her]26-maddie small step back away from [me]0-i . But [I]0-i do n’t think [she]26-maddie will ever appreciate how much it really does hurt . [I]0-i think [I]0-i ’d rather take another knife to [my]0-i stomach . [She]26-maddie hates [me]0-i ? [I]26-maddie ’m putting [your]26-maddie cruelty down to too much alcohol . Get in [the car]2161-the car . Now . ”[26-maddie] [I]0-i sound possessed , and [I]0-i do n’t give a fucking shit . Without another word , [she]26-maddie slides into the passenger seat and buckles up , not taking [her]26-maddie wary eyes from [me]0-i as [I]0-i slam [her]26-maddie door and stalk around the front of [the car]2161-the car . Throwing [myself]0-i in with force , [I]0-i start the engine and screech off recklessly , fighting to cool [my]0-i burning rage . It ’s bad enough [she]26-maddie recognized [him]1080-the last man she remembers in her life — bad enough that [the last man [she]26-maddie remembers in [her]26-maddie life]1080-the last man she remembers in her life was that scumbag . But [her]26-maddie words ? [I]0-i look down at [my]0-i white knuckles gripping the steering wheel , the strength of [my]0-i hold doing nothing to stop [my]0-i shakes . [I]0-i ’m fucking livid . [Her]26-maddie hateful claim has put [me]0-i in psycho territory . It ’s been years since [my]0-i temper has reached [these heights]1081-these heights . Years since [I]0-i flew off the handle and went on a rampage of destruction . [I]0-i feel like every shitty thing is coming to a head . [I]0-i ’m at boiling point . And [she]26-maddie knows it . Chapter 28 The entire drive home [Ava]238-ava ’s fingers remained clawed into the leather of [her]238-ava seat . It did n’t make [me]0-i take [my]0-i foot off the pedal . Either [the car]2161-the car took the heat of [my]0-i anger , or [Ava]238-ava did , and shouting and screaming at [her]238-ava would n’t have helped [either of [us]1084-us]1083-either of us . [I]0-i ’m surprised [[my]0-i Aston]547-my aston ’s door does n’t drop to [the gravel driveway]1086-the gravel driveway on a scream of pain after [I]0-i ’ve viciously slammed it shut . [Ava]238-ava ’s out of [the car]2161-the car far quicker than [I]0-i expected [she]238-ava could manage , hobbling to the door . [I]0-i hurry to catch up , [my]0-i instinct to help [her]238-ava taking over and taming [my]0-i anger . [I]238-ava can walk . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava bats [my]0-i hands away as [I]0-i try to pick [her]238-ava up . “ Leave [me]238-ava alone . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i will never leave [her]238-ava alone . Leaving [her]238-ava alone would be as good as giving up , and where [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie is concerned , [I]0-i never give up . As gently as [I]0-i can , [I]0-i lunge in and swipe [her]238-ava from [her]238-ava feet , lifting [her]238-ava over [my]0-i shoulder . “ Forget it , [lady]26-maddie . ”[238-ava] The smashing of [her]238-ava fists into [my]0-i back are a sign of [her]238-ava trying to make a stand more than a means of escape . [We]1088-we both know [she]238-ava ’s going nowhere until [I]0-i release [her]238-ava . [I]238-ava said leave [me]238-ava alone ! ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava screams , half - vexed , half - hysterical . It ’s exactly how [I]0-i feel inside . [I]0-i absorb each blow , pacing toward the door . [Jesse]454-jesse ! ”[0-i] “ Shut the fuck up , [Ava]238-ava , ”[0-i] [I]0-i warn , kicking the door open once [I]0-i ’ve unlocked it . [You]238-ava ’re an animal ! ”[0-i] “ Story of [my]0-i fucking life where [you]238-ava ’re concerned . ”[0-i] [I]0-i lower [her]238-ava to [her]238-ava feet . The fists that were smacking pointlessly at [my]0-i back begin pounding at [my]0-i chest . And [I]0-i just stand , motionless , letting [her]238-ava vent and thrash out , screaming [her]238-ava frustration . If only [I]0-i had the same kind of outlet . Something to beat and pound and scream at . But [I]0-i do n’t , so [I]0-i savor [her]238-ava brutal smashes of [my]0-i torso , hoping that at the same time [she]238-ava beats the frustration out of [me]0-i , too . [She]238-ava goes for it mercilessly , [her]238-ava strength fueled by [her]238-ava despair . And [I]0-i ’m fine with it . [I]0-i ’d be [her]238-ava punching bag for the rest of [my]0-i miserable days if it would make [her]238-ava feel even the tiniest bit better . Because , ultimately , while [I]0-i ’m in pieces trying to navigate [my]0-i way through this unfamiliar , painful territory , the love of [my]0-i life is in more despair . While [I]0-i have [our]1089-our memories to cling to , [she]238-ava does not . While [I]0-i have [[our]1089-our children]2030-our children ’s faces to picture during this nightmare , every moment of [their]2030-our children short lives to remember , [she]238-ava does not . While [I]0-i have hope and recognize the glimmers of [her]238-ava recollections , [she]238-ava does not . [My]0-i thoughts take over , anger burning [my]0-i insides as [she]238-ava continues to scream and punch . “ Go on ! ”[238-ava] [I]0-i roar , and [she]238-ava startles , moving back . “ Fucking hit [me]238-ava , [Ava]238-ava ! It ca n’t feel any worse than how [I]238-ava ’m hurting here . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i smash [my]0-i fist into [my]0-i chest . “ So hit [me]0-i ! ”[0-i] [I]0-i close [my]0-i eyes as [she]238-ava comes at [me]0-i again . And while [she]238-ava ’s lashing out , [I]0-i think about how powerful [our]1091-our love is . Not as powerful as [I]0-i always thought , because if it was , surely it would shine through anything . Even this . It takes [me]0-i a few seconds to realize that [she]238-ava ’s stopped thumping [me]0-i , and when [I]0-i open [my]0-i eyes , [I]0-i find [her]238-ava heaving before [me]0-i , [her]238-ava hair a crazy mess around [her]238-ava face , [her]238-ava eyes wild . [We]1092-we stare at [each other]2249-each other for a few moments , [me]0-i expressionless , [Ava]238-ava clearly shocked by [her]238-ava outburst . Or shocked that [I]0-i ’ve stood here and accepted it . Because what the fuck else would [I]0-i do ? [Retaliate]126-retaliate ? Hit [her]238-ava back ? [Her]238-ava thinking that might be a possibility makes [me]0-i feel sick . Makes [me]0-i want to hurt [myself]0-i to demonstrate that [I]0-i ’d take everything before [I]0-i ’d let anything cause [her]238-ava pain . Just seeing [her]238-ava before [me]0-i looking so lost and hopeless , clearly wondering what [I]0-i ’m thinking , and [me]0-i knowing what [she]238-ava ’s thinking , only amplifies [my]0-i despair . And [my]0-i anger . [I]0-i ca n’t take this . [I]0-i leave [her]238-ava to compose [herself]238-ava in [the hallway]701-the hallway while [I]0-i stalk through [the house]2056-the house to [the games room]585-the games room , [my]0-i mind set on one thing . The one thing that will numb [me]0-i . The one thing that will take [me]0-i away from [my]0-i nightmare . [My]0-i eyes [home]201-home in on the bottle set on the bar ; the respite that just a few swigs could give [me]0-i is too tempting to pass up . [I]0-i shrug [my]0-i suit jacket off and toss it to the carpet , then yank [my]0-i tie loose and pop open the top button of [my]0-i collar , too . [My]0-i eyes still on that bottle , [my]0-i hand goes through [my]0-i hair roughly . Long - lost memories of the alcohol - induced haze of nothingness return full force . [I]0-i need that nothingness right now . Because if this is how [my]0-i life is going to feel from now on , then [I]0-i ’m out . [I]0-i ’m done . [I]0-i swipe up the bottle of vodka and pull out the cork , [my]0-i breathing labored . A bead of sweat starts trickling down [my]0-i forehead , and [I]0-i roughly wipe it away as [I]0-i bring the bottle to [my]0-i lips . Just one sip . That ’s all it ’ll take . One swallow to start numbing the pain . Nostrils flaring , [I]0-i knock back [my]0-i first big gulp and gasp , the liquor burning down [my]0-i dry throat . It hits [my]0-i stomach hard , and [my]0-i thoughts go back to the days when [I]0-i was lost in a haze of drink and [women]707-women . [I]0-i see [myself]0-i naked . With [endless women]1099-endless women , all women who are n’t [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie . [Jesse]454-jesse ! ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava ’s stricken voice pierces [my]0-i flashback , pulling [me]0-i away from the decadent days of [The Manor]190-the manor , back to [my]0-i reality . [Her]238-ava glassy eyes hold [me]0-i in place . Beautiful eyes , the chocolate eyes that put [me]0-i under a spell and never let [me]0-i go . [You]2624-you should n’t be drinking , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava pants , still breathless from [her]238-ava episode in [the hallway]701-the hallway . [I]0-i look down at the bottle , except this time [I]0-i do n’t see an escape . Now [I]0-i see poison . Now [I]0-i see [the coward]1103-the coward ’s choice . Now [I]0-i see real damage . [She]238-ava ’s right ; [I]0-i should n’t be drinking it . But most importantly , [she]238-ava knows [I]0-i should n’t be drinking it . “ Why ? ”[238-ava] [I]0-i ask quietly , looking back to [her]238-ava . “ Why should n’t [I]0-i be drinking it , [Ava]238-ava ? ”[0-i] [Her]238-ava mouth opens and closes , [her]238-ava mind clearly straining to find the answer . [I]0-i do n’t want to admit that the answer [she]238-ava ’s looking for is n’t there . [I]0-i do n’t want to accept that [she]238-ava wo n’t find it . [Her]238-ava statement was just another one of those pointless glimmers of hope . [Her]238-ava blankness shoves [me]0-i over the edge , and [I]0-i lose [my]0-i shit , frustration and despair getting the better of [me]0-i . “ Why , [Ava]238-ava ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i roar . “ Why should n’t [I]0-i be drinking the fucking vodka ? ”[0-i] [I]238-ava do n’t know , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava sobs , [her]238-ava shoulders shaking uncontrollably , emotion finally taking the place of [her]238-ava frustration . [I]238-ava do n’t know . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava buries [her]238-ava face in hands , hiding from [our]1104-our reality . Seeing [her]238-ava so broken is harder than dealing with the frustration . Seeing [her]238-ava so utterly helpless shreds [my]0-i heart . This is lower than any depths of hell [I]0-i thought [I]0-i ’d seen . “ Fuck ! ”[0-i] [I]0-i flip , throwing the bottle at the wall ferociously before [I]0-i do something stupid like down the rest . Shards of glass fly like shrapnel , [the devil]1105-the devil ’s juice spraying every wall . [I]0-i should n’t drink it because [I]0-i ’m [a fucking alcoholic]2625-a fucking alcoholic ! ”[0-i] [I]0-i boom . “ Because before [I]0-i met [you]2625-a fucking alcoholic , all [I]0-i did was drink [myself]0-i into oblivion and fuck anything with a fucking pulse . That ’s why ! ”[0-i] [I]0-i stagger back , [my]0-i back hitting the wall , [my]0-i breathing shot . [I]0-i ca n’t control [my]0-i body . [My]0-i mouth . [My]0-i fucking tears . Though [I]0-i can still see [her]0-i shock through the water distorting [my]0-i sight . [You]2625-a fucking alcoholic gave [me]0-i a reason to stop , [Ava]238-ava . ”[0-i] [I]0-i heave where [I]0-i stand , feeling like [my]0-i life ’s rapidly escaping [my]0-i control altogether . [You]2625-a fucking alcoholic made [my]0-i heart start beating again . And now [you]2625-a fucking alcoholic ’re not here anymore and [I]0-i do n’t know if [I]0-i can go on without [you]2625-a fucking alcoholic . ”[0-i] [My]0-i knees buckle , and [I]0-i slide down the wall like a sack of shit , hitting the floor on a thud . [I]0-i ’m past holding it all in . [I]0-i ’m so past trying to be the strong one . Because without [Ava]238-ava , [I]0-i ’m [the weakest man]238-ava alive , and [I]0-i feel like [I]0-i ’m without [her]238-ava now . [My]0-i elbows hit [my]0-i knees , [my]0-i face going into [my]0-i palms and hiding . [I]0-i ca n’t bear the shock on [her]238-ava face . Ca n’t stand the fact that [she]238-ava ’s seeing [me]0-i like this . “ Just go to bed , ”[238-ava] [I]0-i beg , needing [her]238-ava to leave [me]0-i alone in [my]0-i misery . “ Just go . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i feel cold . Lonely . And then … not . [Her]238-ava hand slides onto [my]0-i neck , and [I]0-i look up to find [her]238-ava kneeling before [me]0-i , teary eyes staring into [mine]0-i . [I]238-ava ’m going nowhere . ”[238-ava] Edging [her]238-ava way closer , [she]238-ava places [her]238-ava palms on [my]0-i knees and pushes them apart , moving between them . “ Because even though [I]238-ava do n’t know where [I]238-ava am , [I]238-ava feel like [I]238-ava ’m at [home]201-home . Even though [I]238-ava ’m struggling to wrap [my]238-ava mind around you”—more[238-ava] tears tumble as [she]238-ava squeezes [my]0-i knees—“I know [you]238-ava ’re [mine]0-i . [I]238-ava know [I]238-ava ’m [your]238-ava heart . Because even though [I]238-ava do n’t know [you]238-ava , [I]238-ava know that when [I]238-ava think of [you]238-ava gone , it hurts really bad just here . ”[238-ava] Taking [my]0-i hand , [she]238-ava pushes it into [her]238-ava chest . [Her]238-ava heart is thundering . Like [mine]0-i . [Ava]238-ava , [I]0-i ’m [a broken man]0-i . ”[0-i] [I]0-i feel fucking awful admitting it . “ The thought of [you]238-ava losing every memory [we]2627-we ’ve had together cripples [me]0-i . ”[0-i] [I]0-i know [you]238-ava ’re stronger than this . [I]0-i know [you]238-ava ’re more determined . [You]238-ava promised [you]238-ava would n’t give up on [me]0-i . ”[0-i] [My]0-i heart constricts . [Baby]60-jacob , [I]0-i have n’t given up . ”[0-i] [I]0-i sigh and gesture [her]238-ava closer , and [she]238-ava comes with ease , letting [me]0-i pull [her]238-ava onto [my]0-i lap and cuddle [her]238-ava . [I]238-ava ’m just having a minor relapse . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava snuggles close , and [my]0-i world evens out a little . “ Do n’t have a relapse again , please . ”[238-ava] “ Then [you]238-ava need to start doing as [you]238-ava ’re told . ”[238-ava] “ Never , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava argues . “ Because [I]0-i know [I]0-i never normally do , do [I]0-i ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i smile through [my]0-i sadness . [You]238-ava do n’t . ”[0-i] [We]461-both of us remain bunched up on the floor for a while , quiet , [both of [us]461-both of us]461-both of us calming , [our]461-both of us bodies recovering from [our]461-both of us shakes . Then [Ava]238-ava breaks out of [my]0-i hold , placing [her]238-ava lips on [my]0-i cheek and inhaling . “ Come to bed ? ”[238-ava] [I]0-i swallow , hating that it sounds like an unsure question . [I]0-i ’d love to . ”[0-i] [I]0-i ’ll cuddle [her]238-ava all night . Keep [her]238-ava close . No sex , no anything , just contact . [I]0-i need contact . “ Thank [you]0-i . ”[0-i] “ Do n’t thank [me]0-i , ”[0-i] [I]0-i scold [her]238-ava gently . “ Never thank [me]0-i for loving [you]0-i . ”[0-i] “ Because it was what [you]0-i were put on [this earth]2340-this earth to do . ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava bottom lip quivers over every word , and [I]0-i gulp down the melon - sized lump in [my]0-i throat and yank [her]238-ava back into [me]0-i . “ That ’s right . ”[238-ava] Suffocating [her]238-ava with [my]0-i hold , [I]0-i sink [my]0-i face into [her]238-ava hair and fight to keep more emotion at bay . “ This dress is still ridiculous , ”[0-i] [I]0-i croak . [I]0-i forget [I]0-i ’m thirty - eight now . ”[0-i] “ So [you]0-i were just being stubborn , yes ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i do n’t need confirmation . [I]0-i know [[my]0-i wife]194-kate better than [she]194-kate knows [herself]194-kate . [She]194-kate nods into [my]0-i chest . [I]194-kate do n’t have the figure [I]194-kate did when [I]194-kate was in [my]194-kate early twenties . ”[194-kate] [I]0-i scoff at that , getting [us]1108-us up from the floor and lifting [her]194-kate into [my]0-i arms . [You]194-kate ’re more beautiful every day . End of . ”[194-kate] [We]1108-us ’ll be having none of that nonsense . [You]194-kate ’re obliged to say that . ”[194-kate] [I]0-i ’m obliged to say nothing , [lady]194-kate . ”[0-i] [I]0-i take the stairs and enter [[our]1108-us bedroom]593-our bedroom . “ But , as [you]194-kate know , [you]194-kate are obliged to do as [I]194-kate say . ”[194-kate] [I]0-i place [her]194-kate on [her]194-kate feet and automatically turn [her]194-kate around , taking the zip of [her]194-kate dress . “ Understand ? ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate nods and remains still as [I]0-i unfasten [her]194-kate , [my]0-i eyes falling down [her]194-kate back with the zip . As [I]0-i push the material aside , [I]0-i hold [my]0-i breath , bracing [myself]0-i for the vision of [her]194-kate exposed back . “ Perfect , ”[0-i] [I]0-i sigh , letting the red material drop to the floor . The black lace underwear underneath fits [her]194-kate perfectly . Fuck . [I]0-i do n’t think that cuddle [I]0-i was hoping for will be enough . Will [she]194-kate let [me]0-i ? [My]0-i hands reach for the clasp of [her]194-kate bra . One flick releases the catch , and [I]0-i notice [her]194-kate shoulders lift an inch . [I]0-i move in close and slide [my]0-i forearm around [her]194-kate waist , resting [my]0-i chin on [her]194-kate shoulder . [I]0-i want to make love to [you]0-i , ”[0-i] [I]0-i whisper , and [she]194-kate tenses , but not from fear . It ’s from anticipation . [I]194-kate want to peel this lace off [your]0-i body and take [my]194-kate time exploring every inch of [you]0-i . ”[194-kate] [I]0-i drag the straps of [her]194-kate bra down [her]194-kate arms until it tumbles to the floor . [I]0-i need [you]0-i , [Ava]238-ava . More than [I]0-i ’ve ever needed [you]0-i . ”[0-i] Kissing [her]194-kate cheek lightly , [I]0-i relish the feel of [her]194-kate pushing closer into [me]0-i . “ Let [me]0-i show [you]0-i how much [I]0-i love [you]0-i . ”[0-i] [She]194-kate turns slowly and lifts [her]194-kate chin to see [me]0-i , and without a word [she]194-kate starts to unbutton [my]0-i shirt , one by one , slowly and purposefully , a million emotions dancing in [her]194-kate dreamy eyes . Fear . Hope . But most of all , need . For [me]0-i . [I]0-i realize [I]0-i need to be gentle . Slow and patient , thoughtful and caring . More so than ever before . So [I]0-i let [her]194-kate undress [me]0-i at [her]194-kate own speed , resisting the urge to rip [my]0-i clothes from [my]0-i body and toss [her]194-kate on the bed . “ Want some help ? ”[194-kate] [I]0-i ask , just so [she]194-kate knows [I]0-i ’m open to all options . [She]194-kate glances up at [me]0-i , and [I]0-i see apprehension in [her]194-kate gaze . And [I]0-i realize that even though [she]194-kate ’s desperate for [me]0-i , [she]194-kate does n’t know what this will be like . [She]194-kate does n’t know how explosive [we]1110-we are together , whether hard and raw or slow and loving . “ Do n’t be nervous . ”[194-kate] [I]0-i take [her]194-kate wrists , instantly feeling [her]194-kate tremble . [We]1110-we do n’t have to do this . ”[194-kate] Never has it taken so much energy to say just a few words . “ But [I]194-kate want to . ”[194-kate] [Her]194-kate gaze drops from [mine]0-i , down [my]0-i torso , [her]194-kate teeth sinking into [her]194-kate lip . [I]194-kate really want to . ”[194-kate] Forcing [her]194-kate way out of [my]0-i hold , [she]194-kate pushes [my]0-i shirt from [my]0-i shoulders and places [her]194-kate hands on [my]0-i pecs . [My]0-i body feels like it ’s just gone up in flames , and [my]0-i hands twitch , desperate to grab [her]194-kate . [Ravage]127-ravage [her]194-kate . Kiss [her]194-kate . Make love to [her]194-kate . The look in [her]194-kate eyes tells [me]0-i [she]194-kate ’s aware of all this . [She]194-kate knows . [I]194-kate really want to . ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate reinforces [her]194-kate claim with a hard kiss on the lips , and [I]0-i ’m instantly overwhelmed by it , [my]0-i palm going to the back of [her]194-kate head , gently pushing [her]194-kate closer , [my]0-i mouth opening , inviting [her]194-kate in . [Her]194-kate hands are everywhere . [Our]1111-our kiss is bordering clumsy . [I]0-i can feel [my]0-i control slipping . This is what desperation does to [me]0-i . It makes [me]0-i urgent , makes [me]0-i want to take [her]194-kate hard and fast , to stake [my]0-i claim , mark [my]0-i territory , show [her]194-kate how good [we]1111-our are . But now is n’t the time for [me]0-i to get carried away . [I]0-i slow the tempo of [our]1111-our kiss . [I]0-i do n’t need to give [her]194-kate instruction . [Her]194-kate hands find the fly of [my]0-i trousers , and [I]0-i kick off [my]0-i shoes . [I]0-i help [her]194-kate slide [my]0-i trousers off , keeping up [our]1111-our kiss , and then walk [her]194-kate back to the bed . [I]0-i take [her]194-kate down to the mattress and gently tug [her]194-kate up to the top . [Our]1111-our lips are still sealed , [our]1111-our tongues dancing slowly , breathing [each other]2249-each other ’s breath . [I]0-i do n’t think [she]194-kate ’s ever tasted so good , even with the hints of alcohol mixed between [us]1111-our . [I]0-i come down to rest over [her]194-kate , taking [my]0-i arms up over [her]194-kate head , leaving [her]194-kate hands free to roam [my]0-i back , [my]0-i arse , and eventually [my]0-i face . [She]194-kate is lost . Consumed . [I]0-i force [myself]0-i to break [our]1111-our kiss , just to prove to [myself]0-i that [she]194-kate ’ll hate the loss . [Jesse]454-jesse , ”[194-kate] [she]194-kate pants , [her]194-kate hands grabbing at [my]0-i hair trying to get [me]0-i back on [her]194-kate mouth . Then [her]194-kate legs lock around [my]0-i waist , a demonstration that [she]194-kate ’s not letting [me]0-i go anywhere . “ Why are [you]454-jesse stopping ? ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate blinks repeatedly , and the egomaniac inside [me]0-i likes to think that it ’s because [she]194-kate ’s struggling with [my]0-i magnificence so close up . [I]194-kate just want to look at [you]454-jesse for a moment knowing that [I]194-kate ’ll be inside [you]454-jesse again very soon . ”[194-kate] [Her]194-kate lips purse , [her]194-kate hands going to the waistband of [my]0-i boxers . [She]194-kate pushes them over the rise of [my]0-i arse . “ How does [a man of [your]454-jesse age]2629-a man of your age stay in such good shape ? ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate cheekily pinches [my]0-i bum , and [I]0-i flinch on an epic grin . “ Lot and lots of sex . ”[0-i] A small giggle escapes [her]194-kate , and [her]194-kate short nails sink into the flesh of [my]0-i arse . [I]0-i grit [my]0-i teeth , enduring the sharp pain . [I]0-i ’ll have to take [your]0-i word for it . ”[0-i] [You]0-i ’d better take [my]0-i word for it . ”[0-i] [I]0-i raise [my]0-i eyebrows in warning as [her]194-kate hand glides softly through [my]0-i hair , [her]194-kate eyes following . “ Because it ’s so good ? ”[194-kate] “ The sex ? Yes . ”[194-kate] [I]194-kate ’m afraid [I]194-kate need proof , [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward . ”[194-kate] [Her]194-kate brown eyes land on [mine]0-i with a bang , and the blood that ’s been steadily filling [my]0-i cock gushes in . [Her]194-kate lips press together , [her]194-kate hips flexing up , pushing into [my]0-i colossal erection . “ Oh [my]194-kate , ”[194-kate] [she]194-kate breathes . [You]194-kate ’ve felt nothing yet , [lady]194-kate . ”[194-kate] Down [I]0-i go , lips crashing to [hers]194-kate , slow and steady suddenly forgotten . Wild hands feel down [my]0-i thighs and start pulling impatiently at [my]0-i boxers . [I]0-i can fully appreciate [her]194-kate eagerness , taking [my]0-i own hands to [her]194-kate knickers , but rather than trying to shove them down [her]194-kate legs , [I]0-i rip them right off . [She]194-kate inhales sharply but quickly adopts [my]0-i method , tugging at [my]0-i boxers . [I]0-i hear a rip , but they ’re still a barrier between [my]0-i flesh and [hers]194-kate . “ Fuck , ”[0-i] [I]0-i mutter , taking over , giving them a few brutal yanks . And then there is nothing but skin . Nothing but the friction of [my]0-i flesh rubbing all over [hers]194-kate as [we]1113-our writhe together , [our]1113-our lips and tongues clashing , [our]1113-our moans and hungry gasps blending , drenching [the room]202-the room . [I]194-kate need to be inside [you]194-kate now , ”[194-kate] [I]0-i tell [her]194-kate , shifting [my]0-i hips to get the angle right . It does n’t take much guidance from [Ava]238-ava to get [my]0-i cock resting at [her]238-ava throbbing entrance . [She]238-ava sucks in air and holds it , and [I]0-i pull back to get [her]238-ava in [my]0-i sights . Eyes on [hers]194-kate , [I]0-i nudge forward a fraction , resisting the urge to pound straight in . [You]194-kate ready , [baby]194-kate ? ”[0-i] “ God , yeah . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava can hardly talk through [her]238-ava want , but [she]238-ava can move , rolling [her]238-ava hips up and taking a bit more of [me]0-i . “ Oh Jesus . ”[238-ava] [My]0-i head drops limply , the feel of only a little bit of [her]238-ava stripping [me]0-i of control . [I]0-i thrust forward on a yell and hold still . [You]194-kate fit [me]238-ava just right . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava threads [her]238-ava hands through the hair at [my]0-i nape and tugs [me]0-i back onto [her]238-ava lips . “ So fucking right . ”[238-ava] “ Watch [your]194-kate mouth , [Ava]238-ava . ”[238-ava] “ No . ”[238-ava] “ Okay . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava could swear until [she]238-ava ’s blue in the face and [I]0-i ’m red , and [I]0-i would n’t give a shit . Because now . Now is everything . “ Move . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava sinks [her]238-ava nails into [my]0-i arse again , egging [me]0-i on . “ Oh God , please move . [You]194-kate feel so good . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i ’m not the kind of man to disappoint , especially [[my]0-i wife]194-kate . Nuzzling [her]194-kate cheek , [I]0-i take [her]194-kate hands from [my]0-i arse and thrust them up on the pillow , raising a little to get [her]194-kate in [my]0-i sights . [She]194-kate ’s panting . Wanting . Loving the feel of [me]0-i inside [her]194-kate . [I]0-i jolt [my]0-i hips teasingly . [You]194-kate want gentle [Jesse]454-jesse , [baby]454-jesse ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i lick [my]0-i lips , savoring the sight of [her]194-kate sweating . “ Or should [I]194-kate rip [you]194-kate clean in two ? ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate inhales , somewhere between shock and delight . “ Which do [I]194-kate prefer ? ”[194-kate] “ Depends on [your]194-kate mood . What are [you]194-kate in the mood for , [gorgeous wife]2630-gorgeous wife ? ”[194-kate] Another thrust , short and sharp , makes [her]194-kate tense , snap [her]194-kate mouth shut , and hold [her]194-kate breath . “ Just take [me]194-kate away from [our]1116-our nightmare for a while . [I]194-kate do n’t care how . Just do it . ”[194-kate] [I]0-i waver on the edge of despondency . [Our]1116-our nightmare . [She]194-kate wants to escape . Then [she]194-kate bumps [her]194-kate hips , too , and that despondency sinks in a pleasure like no other . [I]194-kate ’m introducing a new fuck to [our]1116-our relationship , [baby]194-kate . ”[194-kate] Dipping , [I]0-i kiss [her]194-kate hard , pulling away before [she]194-kate has a chance to engage [her]194-kate mouth and keep [me]0-i there . [We]1116-our ’ll call it the Reunion Fuck . ”[194-kate] And that fuck is going to be [my]0-i new favorite . [I]0-i swivel [my]0-i hips , grinding deeply . [I]0-i flex [my]0-i hands over [her]194-kate wrists , but keep them where they are , withdrawing from the amazing warmth of [her]194-kate pussy and gliding gently back in . [My]0-i body is craving a nice hard fuck , but [my]0-i mind wo n’t allow it . [I]194-kate ’m going to make the softest love to [you]194-kate . ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate melts beneath [me]0-i , and the wobble of [her]194-kate lip tells [me]0-i [she]194-kate likes [my]0-i idea . “ Okay . ”[194-kate] [I]0-i lower [my]0-i face , catching [her]194-kate mouth gently as [I]0-i start a measured , delicate rock of [my]0-i hips , making sure [my]0-i drives are slow and exact , [my]0-i tongue following suit . [I]0-i release [her]194-kate hands and let [her]194-kate feel [me]0-i . [I]0-i let [her]194-kate control [our]1117-our kiss , tolerating the loss of [her]194-kate lips from time to time when [she]194-kate lazily throws [her]194-kate head around on the pillow , sighing , moaning , struggling to keep [her]194-kate eyes open . [She]194-kate ’s floating away , caught in the moment . A moment with [me]0-i . [I]0-i ensure [my]0-i rhythm is consistent , ensure [she]194-kate ’s held in a perfect state of pleasure . [I]0-i ’ve never seen anything so stunning , and [I]0-i find [myself]0-i focusing more on [her]194-kate losing [herself]194-kate rather than [my]0-i own pleasure . It ’s no loss . Nothing could ever beat this . [My]0-i wet skin peels away from [her]194-kate chest as [I]0-i lift and brace [myself]0-i on [my]0-i forearms , needing a better view . [Her]194-kate eyes follow [mine]0-i , [her]194-kate hands reaching for [my]0-i face and holding [me]0-i . [Our]1118-our hips are in perfect sync , [her]194-kate rolling up , [me]0-i rolling down , each plunge achieving the deepest depths . [I]194-kate can see why [I]194-kate fell in love with [you]194-kate , ”[194-kate] [she]194-kate whispers , grazing [her]194-kate palms over [my]0-i stubble . “ Because [I]194-kate ’m an Adonis in bed ? ”[194-kate] “ And out of bed . ”[194-kate] [Her]194-kate voice gets higher , and then [she]194-kate moans [her]194-kate way back down to a level tone , [her]194-kate eyes blinking slowly . [You]194-kate ’re the perfect mix of [man]586-man . Big , strong , passionate , devoted . [You]194-kate love with everything [you]194-kate have . ”[194-kate] “ And [I]194-kate ’m nothing without [you]194-kate . ”[194-kate] “ And everything with [me]0-i . ”[0-i] [I]0-i ’m pulled down , [her]194-kate face sinking into [my]0-i neck , and [we]1119-our take the final stretch to release holding each other tight , breathing in time together , moving as one . [Our]1119-our climax hits simultaneously . [I]0-i do n’t yell . Neither does [she]194-kate . [I]0-i do n’t buck or jolt . Neither does [she]194-kate . [We]1119-our roll through [our]1119-our pleasure calmly and quietly , the only frantic , crazy thing happening being the hammering of both [our]1119-our hearts . [I]0-i ’m alive . So is [she]194-kate . Everything else can be fixed . [I]0-i ’m sure of it . [You]0-i want [me]0-i to move ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i ask against the wet flesh of [her]194-kate neck , mindful that [I]0-i ’m now limp and probably very heavy . “ No . ”[0-i] Arms coming straight around [my]0-i shoulders , legs around [my]0-i waist , [she]194-kate locks [me]0-i up tightly in [her]194-kate hold . [I]194-kate want [you]0-i to stay exactly where [you]0-i are all night . ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate turns [her]194-kate face into [mine]0-i and finds [my]0-i lips . “ Because this is where [you]0-i are supposed to be . With no space between [us]2632-us . ”[194-kate] Locked together . Touching everywhere . [Her]194-kate lips resting on [mine]0-i , [my]0-i lungs inhaling [her]194-kate breath . [Jesse]454-jesse ? ”[194-kate] [she]194-kate murmurs sleepily in [my]0-i ear , and [I]0-i hum [my]0-i prompt for [her]194-kate to go on . [I]0-i think [I]0-i ’m falling in love with [you]454-jesse . ”[0-i] Chapter 29 Just call [me]0-i a domestic god . [I]0-i ’m getting used to this stupid coffee machine now . [I]0-i ’m also getting used to the fact that it ’s not ready for [me]0-i to drink when [I]0-i get up in the morning . [Ava]238-ava has finally been sleeping well , and waking [her]238-ava come morning is out of the question . So [I]0-i ’ve taken over [her]238-ava jobs . [I]0-i flick the machine on and open the pantry cupboard , pulling down the cereals and setting them on the side for [the kids]2010-the kids . It ’s only when [I]0-i ’m on [my]0-i way back to the coffee machine that [I]0-i realize what [I]0-i ’ve done . The gaping hole in [my]0-i existence grows , and like [they]2010-the kids ’ve sensed [I]0-i ’m missing them , [my]0-i phone rings and [I]0-i rush over to answer . [I]0-i smile when [I]0-i see [[my]0-i boy]240-my boy ’s face lighting up the screen . Answering , [I]0-i prop it up by [the cooker]1122-the cooker and continue with [Ava]238-ava ’s breakfast . “ Are [you]240-my boy cooking eggs , [Dad]1256-dad ? ”[60-jacob] [Jacob]60-jacob asks in greeting . [The sea]1123-the sea in the background looks amazing , the rush of the waves loud but calming . A holiday . [I]0-i could do with one of those . “ Sure am , [buddy]1256-dad . ”[0-i] [I]0-i tap the spatula on the edge of the pan before lifting to show [him]240-my boy . [I]0-i ’m making [your]0-i mum breakfast in bed . ”[0-i] [I]0-i feel like [I]0-i ’ve been born again , injected with energy . Last night was one of the most amazing nights of [my]0-i life . And better still , [I]0-i know [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie feels the same . “ Remember [she]26-maddie likes a runny yolk , ”[60-jacob] [Jacob]60-jacob reminds [me]0-i , having [me]0-i looking down at the pan and the two very unrunny yolks . [He]240-my boy must catch [my]0-i frown . “ Do scrambled , ”[240-my boy] [he]240-my boy tells [me]0-i . “ And salmon . [You]2633-you know that ’s one of [her]26-maddie favorites . ”[240-my boy] [I]0-i have no salmon , ”[0-i] [I]0-i grumble , thinking [I]0-i need to get [my]0-i arse to [the supermarket pronto]1125-the supermarket pronto . [We]1126-we ’re low on everything . But [grocery shopping]1127-grocery shopping is hardly the romantic date [I]0-i had planned for later . [I]0-i hear [Jacob]60-jacob sigh , and [I]0-i shrug , because that ’s what [I]0-i do . “ How ’s [Maddie]26-maddie ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i ask . [She]26-maddie met [a friend]349-a friend . [She]26-maddie ’s down [the beach]2634-the beach now . ”[349-a friend] [A friend]349-a friend ? “ Nice . What ’s [her]26-maddie name ? ”[349-a friend] [Hugo]32-mum . ”[349-a friend] The pan clatters to the stove , [my]0-i hand catching the burner . “ Motherfucker ! ”[349-a friend] [I]0-i yelp and start jumping around , clasping [my]0-i hand tightly to stem the pain . [[You]32-mum bastard]32-mum ! ”[0-i] Fucking hell . [My]0-i knuckles are still sporting the aftermath of [my]0-i lash out on the mirror and door . Now this ? [I]0-i shake it out , grimacing in pain . “ Fuck , that hurts . ”[0-i] [Jesse Ward]454-jesse ! ”[32-mum] The sound of [[my]0-i mother]32-mum - in - law ’s voice penetrates [my]0-i senses , and [I]0-i fly over to [my]0-i phone , just catching [Jacob]60-jacob rolling [his]60-jacob eyes as [[Ava]238-ava ’s mother]32-mum pushes [him]60-jacob from the camera . [Her]32-mum face appears , very displeased . [Hugo]32-mum ’s [a girl]32-mum ’s name . ”[32-mum] [I]0-i state it as a fact . “ Is n’t it ? ”[0-i] [Hugo]32-mum is [a boy]32-mum , ”[32-mum] [she]32-mum says flippantly . [I]0-i do n’t appreciate it . “ Just [the grandson of [some friends]2635-some friends]32-mum . [We]2635-some friends had dinner with [them]2635-some friends last night . ”[0-i] [I]0-i get [my]0-i face up close and personal with the screen , noting [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth backing away . [[My]0-i baby girl]238-ava is on [the coast]2109-the coast without [me]0-i there to make sure no little twerps sniff around [her]238-ava . [I]238-ava ’m relying on [you]238-ava , [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth . ”[238-ava] “ To do what ? [Trample]129-trample in [your]238-ava absence ? ”[238-ava] “ Yes ! ”[0-i] [I]0-i look down at [my]0-i hand and see a blister developing . “ Keep [him]129-trample away from [[my]0-i daughter]238-ava , ”[0-i] [I]0-i warn , swiping up [my]0-i phone and making [my]0-i way to the sink . “ Boys ca n’t be trusted . How old is the little shit ? ”[0-i] “ Thirteen . ”[0-i] [I]0-i drop [my]0-i phone in the sink . “ Thirteen ? ”[0-i] Oh [[my]0-i God]26-maddie ! [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth , this — ”[0-i] [I]0-i ’m interrupted mid - rant when [someone]293-someone takes [my]0-i hand , [I]0-i peek to the side to find [Ava]238-ava inspecting the burn . [She]238-ava shakes [her]238-ava head , takes [my]0-i phone from the sink , and props it up against the backsplash . “ Hi , [Mum]32-mum . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava flips on the tap and forces [my]0-i hand under the flow of cold water . [I]0-i hiss as [she]238-ava looks at [me]0-i out the corner of [her]238-ava eye , [her]238-ava expression telling [me]0-i it ’s [my]0-i own damn fault . “ Hi , [darling]32-mum ! ”[424-elizabeth] [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth , understandably , looks delighted to see [[her]424-elizabeth daughter]424-elizabeth . Too bad . [I]0-i seize the phone while [Ava]238-ava tends to [my]0-i hand , keeping it steady under the water . “ So , [this boy]32-mum . ”[238-ava] “ What [boy]32-mum ? ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava pipes up , leaning and grabbing a towel off the side . [I]0-i ignore [her]424-elizabeth and press [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth for details . “ Keep [him]2636-him away from [[my]0-i daughter]424-elizabeth . ”[0-i] “ Oh , stop overreacting . ”[424-elizabeth] [[My]0-i mother]424-elizabeth - in - law sighs . [She]424-elizabeth just ca n’t help undermining [me]0-i , the fucking pain in the arse that [she]424-elizabeth is . [She]424-elizabeth ’s growing up , [Jesse]454-jesse . [You]454-jesse need to let [her]424-elizabeth . ”[424-elizabeth] [I]0-i think [I]0-i might explode . How long would it take [me]0-i to get to [Newquay]5-newquay ? [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth — ”[238-ava] The phone is gone from [my]0-i hand speedily , [Ava]238-ava whipping it away and wandering off . [I]0-i stare at [her]424-elizabeth back incredulously . “ Are [the kids]2010-the kids okay , [Mum]32-mum ? ”[424-elizabeth] [she]424-elizabeth asks , looking over [her]424-elizabeth shoulder , giving [me]0-i a stare that dares [me]0-i to hijack [my]0-i phone . It ’s a fucking conspiracy . All of [them]2010-the kids ganging up against [me]0-i . “ Good . And , yes . ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava pouts . [He]2637-he ’s being very attentive and caring . [I]238-ava ’m feeling better by the day . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i do n’t want to smile . Not when [I]0-i ’m so pent up and stressed , but before [I]0-i know it [I]0-i ’m grinning like a loon . [She]424-elizabeth ’s feeling great . [I]0-i was , too , until [[my]0-i mother]424-elizabeth - in - law ruined it . [I]0-i huff and plonk [my]0-i arse on a stool , scowling down at [my]0-i injured , towel - wrapped hand . Perfect . Fucking perfect . [I]238-ava ’m looking forward to seeing [you]238-ava , too . ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava joins [me]0-i , holding up the bath towel that ’s wrapped around [her]238-ava as [she]238-ava sits on the stool . [I]0-i do n’t know what comes over [me]0-i . One minute [she]238-ava ’s covered in white fluffy material , the next [she]238-ava ’s covered in … nothing . The towel hits the floor and [Ava]238-ava gasps , shooting shocked eyes at [me]0-i . And [I]0-i just grin . Big , wide , and satisfied , making a meal of relaxing on [my]0-i stool and looking [her]238-ava up and down , up and down , up … and … down . [I]0-i breathe in and exhale loudly . “ Breakfast ’s looking mighty fine , ”[0-i] [I]0-i muse , earning a few playful slaps across the head . [I]0-i laugh [my]0-i way through it as [she]238-ava scrambles for [her]238-ava towel . [Silly girl]238-ava . [I]0-i whip it away and run around the other side of [the island]2099-the island , waving it teasingly . [Ava]238-ava , [you]238-ava ’re naked ! ”[424-elizabeth] [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth screeches . “ Damn FaceTime . ”[424-elizabeth] [I]0-i shake [my]0-i head mockingly , throwing the towel over [my]0-i shoulders . [You]238-ava ’re naked , [baby]238-ava . ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava scowl is award worthy . And so is [my]0-i smirk . [I]238-ava have to go , [Mum]32-mum . Give [the kids]2010-the kids a kiss for [me]238-ava . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava disconnects the call and points the phone at [me]0-i . [You]238-ava ’re in trouble , [Ward]454-jesse . ”[238-ava] “ Oh , goody . ”[0-i] [I]0-i rub [my]0-i hands together . “ Bring it on , [baby]238-ava . Bring . It . On . ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava attempts to hide the twitch in [her]238-ava lips fails miserably . [You]238-ava ’re much older than [me]238-ava . [I]238-ava ’m thinking speed is n’t [your]238-ava thing these days . ”[238-ava] Much older ? [You]238-ava have n’t seen [me]238-ava chase [the boys]2639-the boys away from [[our]2640-our daughter]2641-our daughter . [I]238-ava ’m [a fucking greyhound]2642-a fucking greyhound . ”[238-ava] Eyes narrowed , [she]238-ava steps to the left . And [I]0-i step to the right . [I]238-ava ’ll catch [you]238-ava , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava warns . Good . [I]0-i hope [she]238-ava does . “ And what will [you]238-ava do to [me]0-i then ? ”[0-i] “ That ’s for [me]238-ava to know . ”[238-ava] “ And [I]0-i ’m gon na find out . ”[0-i] [I]0-i dart out of [the kitchen]228-the kitchen , towel billowing behind [me]0-i , and as soon as [I]0-i ’m out of [her]238-ava sight , [I]0-i drop to the floor and lie down on [my]0-i back . [She]238-ava comes half hobbling out of [the kitchen]228-the kitchen , yelping when [she]238-ava trips over [my]0-i foot . [I]0-i catch [her]238-ava perfectly and bring [her]238-ava softly down onto [my]0-i chest . “ Seems [you]238-ava caught [me]0-i , [Mrs. Ward]26-maddie . ”[0-i] “ Do n’t humor [me]238-ava . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava presses [her]238-ava palms into [my]0-i pecs , intending to push [herself]238-ava away but getting completely distracted by the vast expanse of [my]0-i naked chest instead , [her]238-ava eyes sparkling with delight . The grins are coming thick and fast this morning . “ Earth to [Ava]238-ava , ”[0-i] [I]0-i whisper , knocking [her]238-ava out of [her]238-ava mesmerized state . [You]238-ava know , ”[0-i] [she]238-ava sighs , keeping [her]238-ava eyes on [mine]0-i as [she]238-ava lowers [her]238-ava lips to [my]0-i pec and drops a lingering kiss there , [I]238-ava think even if [I]238-ava were still young , [I]238-ava ’d want to do [you]238-ava . ”[238-ava] Laughter rumbles up from [my]0-i toes , jolting [her]238-ava on [my]0-i chest . [I]0-i feel [her]238-ava grin against [my]0-i skin , [her]238-ava hands splayed and feeling [me]0-i . Once [I]0-i ’ve pulled [myself]0-i back around , [I]0-i roll [us]1138-us , trapping [her]238-ava naked body beneath [mine]0-i . [She]238-ava hisses , and [I]0-i bolt up , worried . “ It ’s fine . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava sinks [her]238-ava hands into [my]0-i hair and plays with the strands . “ The floor ’s cold on [my]238-ava back . How ’s [your]238-ava hand ? ”[238-ava] [My]0-i eyes narrow , aware [she]238-ava ’s trying to divert the attention onto [me]0-i . [My]238-ava hand is fine . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i flex it a little , testing [my]0-i own claim . A little sore , but that ’s all . Moving [her]238-ava hands to [my]0-i arse , [she]238-ava sinks [her]238-ava nails into the material of [my]0-i boxers , circling [her]238-ava hips up on a sultry hum . [My]0-i cock wakes up , and [I]0-i lift [my]0-i hips to make room for it between [us]1139-us , the ache instant . [I]0-i groan , dropping [my]0-i head . [I]0-i need to rein [myself]0-i in . [I]0-i ’ve taken up far too much of [your]0-i energy over the past couple of days . ”[0-i] [Motorbike]130-motorbike rides , dinner , arguing … sex . “ But — ”[0-i] “ No buts . ”[0-i] Begrudgingly , [I]0-i rise , helping [Ava]238-ava up and wrapping [her]238-ava in the towel , ignoring [her]238-ava grumbling . [You]0-i need to eat . ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava shoulders slump , and while [I]0-i ’m beyond thrilled that [she]238-ava ’s struggling to contain [her]238-ava want , [I]0-i ’m aware of how much [I]0-i ’ve taken out of [her]238-ava , even if [she]238-ava wo n’t admit it . [I]0-i turn [her]238-ava and lead [her]238-ava back to [the kitchen]228-the kitchen , sitting [her]238-ava down before serving up [her]238-ava eggs . Questionable eggs . “ Eat , ”[0-i] [I]0-i order , putting the fork in [her]238-ava hand and grabbing [my]0-i phone . [I]0-i just need to make a call . [I]0-i dial [John]60-jacob and leave [the kitchen]228-the kitchen . [Sarah]26-maddie rang [me]0-i last night , ”[0-i] [I]0-i tell [him]1141-he quietly when [I]0-i ’m out of earshot , looking over [my]0-i shoulder . “ What the fuck ? ”[1141-he] [He]1141-he ’s not happy . Good . Neither am [I.]0-i [I]0-i ’ve fucking told [her]238-ava . ”[0-i] “ Well , [you]0-i can tell [her]238-ava again . ”[1141-he] [He]1141-he grunts [his]1141-he confirmation . [I]1141-he will . [I]1141-he have . But [she]238-ava ’s insisting [she]238-ava needs to talk to [you]0-i . ”[1141-he] “ That ai n’t happening . [The woman]238-ava ’s poison . ”[0-i] [I]1141-he know that . [You]0-i know that . But [Sarah]26-maddie ’s just as stubborn as ever . ”[1141-he] [He]1141-he sighs . [I]1141-he ’ll speak to [her]238-ava . How ’s [Ava]238-ava ? ”[1141-he] [She]238-ava ’s good . [The club]2003-the club ? ”[1141-he] “ S’all good , ”[1141-he] [he]1141-he confirms . [You]0-i concentrate on [[your]0-i girl]238-ava . ”[1141-he] “ Thanks , [John]60-jacob . ”[0-i] [I]0-i smile as [I]0-i hang up , and quickly take the opportunity to call [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth back while [Ava]238-ava ’s eating [her]238-ava breakfast . “ Hey , ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava sighs . [Jesse Ward]454-jesse , [I]238-ava am not — ”[238-ava] “ Shut up , [woman]238-ava . [I]238-ava ’ve not called about the little shit . [I]238-ava wanted to talk to [you]238-ava about [Ava]238-ava and [the kids]2010-the kids . ”[238-ava] “ Oh ? Everything okay ? ”[238-ava] “ Yes , actually . Really good . And [the kids]2010-the kids ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i do n’t need to ask . [I]0-i can see it on [their]1142-they faces every time [we]1143-we talk . [They]1142-they ’re fine . [They]1142-they ’re great . Full of questions , but [they]1142-they just need reassurance . Speaking to [Ava]238-ava has helped . ”[0-i] [I]0-i smile . [I]0-i know it ’s been a week already , but [our]1143-we first few days here were spent in tears . [I]0-i ’m seeing progress now , [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth . ”[0-i] It pains [me]0-i to say it , and [I]0-i miss [the twins]2012-the twins terribly , but … “Can [you]424-elizabeth give [me]26-maddie a little more time ? ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie does n’t hesitate . [We]1143-we were thinking of heading back on Monday . ”[26-maddie] [I]26-maddie love [you]424-elizabeth , [Mum]32-mum . ”[26-maddie] “ Shut up , [you]424-elizabeth menace . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie hangs up as [I]0-i head back to [the kitchen]228-the kitchen and take a stool next to [Ava]238-ava , noticing [she]26-maddie ’s not touched a bit of [her]26-maddie breakfast . [I]0-i nudge [her]26-maddie when [she]26-maddie places [her]26-maddie fork down , flipping [her]26-maddie a warning look as [I]0-i slide [my]0-i phone onto the counter , ready to commence force - feeding [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie . “ Stop staring at it and eat . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie sighs and loads [her]26-maddie fork with a miniscule bit of egg . “ Who was that ? ”[26-maddie] [John]60-jacob . ”[0-i] [I]0-i get up and pour some coffee . [I]0-i was just checking up on [the club]2003-the club . ”[0-i] “ Can [I]26-maddie see it ? ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie pops some breakfast in [her]26-maddie mouth and chews slowly , watching [me]0-i . “ See what ? ”[26-maddie] [The club]2003-the club . ”[0-i] “ Sure . [You]26-maddie eat all [your]26-maddie breakfast and [I]26-maddie ’ll take [you]26-maddie after [your]26-maddie therapy session . ”[26-maddie] The flare of exasperation in [her]26-maddie eyes makes [me]0-i smile . “ Like [a good little wife]2646-a good little wife ? ”[26-maddie] Resting [my]0-i elbows on [the island]2099-the island across from [her]26-maddie , [I]0-i smile the smile [I]0-i reserve only for [her]26-maddie . “ Exactly like that . ”[0-i] [I]0-i blow [her]26-maddie a little kiss and start clearing up [the kitchen]228-the kitchen . Maybe a visit to [[our]1149-we health club]2003-the club will jog something in that muddled mind of [hers]26-maddie . Chapter 30 [The car park]2152-the car park is jam - packed . [I]0-i spot [[Drew]53-drew ’s car]2161-the car in [one of [the reserved bays]1154-the reserved bays]1153-one of the reserved bays and pull up next to it , quickly making [my]0-i way around [the car]2161-the car to help [Ava]238-ava out . [She]238-ava ’s quiet as [I]0-i walk [her]238-ava to [the modern building]1155-the modern building . It could n’t look more different from [The Manor]190-the manor . [The club]2003-the club is still luxurious , but nowhere near as ostentatious . [The reception area]208-the reception area is buzzing when [we]1149-we enter . “ Is that [a salon]2647-a salon ? ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava asks , pointing to one of [the four shop fronts on the first floor]1158-the four shop fronts on the first floor . “ And [a beauty parlor]2648-a beauty parlor ? ”[238-ava] “ Yes , and [Raya]54-raya operates from that one there . ”[238-ava] “ What does [she]54-raya do ? ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava lets [me]0-i take [her]238-ava hand , seeming a bit overwhelmed by the place already . “ Sports therapy . ”[0-i] [I]0-i nod to one of [the girls on reception who quickly lets [us]1149-we through the turnstiles]1159-the girls on reception who quickly lets us through the turnstiles . “ And that one over there is [a health food store]2649-a health food store . ”[238-ava] “ It ’s like health heaven , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava says , smiling awkwardly when [the girls on reception]2010-the kids all wave hello . “ And [I]238-ava work here ? ”[238-ava] [You]2010-the kids sound disappointed . ”[238-ava] When [we]1149-we arrive at the juice bar , [I]0-i spot [Drew]53-drew through the glass window that overlooks [the pool area]1161-the pool area . [He]53-drew ’s at the top of the diving board giving [Georgia]58-georgia instructions . “ Well , [I]238-ava ’ve always dreamed of owning [[my]238-ava own design company]2650-my own design company , ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava says . [You]2010-the kids gave up work to have [the twins]2010-the kids . ”[238-ava] It was way before [the twins]2010-the kids came , but how [Ava]238-ava came to leave [her]238-ava employment at [Rococo Union]10-rococo union is n’t something [I]0-i ’m going into . [I]0-i often wonder whether that [prick Mikael]131-prick mikael still owns it , or if [he]131-prick mikael sold it off as soon as [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie quit . “ When [the kids]2010-the kids started [school]2011-school full - time [you]2010-the kids decided [you]2010-the kids wanted to have an input here . ”[26-maddie] A doubtful look lands on [me]0-i . [I]26-maddie decided , or [you]2010-the kids made [me]26-maddie ? ”[26-maddie] [You]2010-the kids decided , ”[0-i] [I]0-i confirm , and order [her]26-maddie favorite power shake . “ In [your]2010-the kids words , [I]0-i ’m crap at organizing financial stuff and [you]2010-the kids were n’t about to let [someone else]267-someone else do it . ”[0-i] “ So [you]2010-the kids pay [me]26-maddie ? ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie accepts the shake , eyeing it suspiciously . “ Handsomely , ”[0-i] [I]0-i reply , [my]0-i voice suggestive and low . [She]26-maddie tosses [me]0-i a playful filthy look . “ Very funny . ”[26-maddie] [You]2010-the kids ’re [a director]2653-a director , [Ava]238-ava . Like [I]26-maddie said , [we]2654-we own it . ”[26-maddie] [I]0-i can tell [she]26-maddie ’s happy about that , [her]26-maddie lovely lips taking the straw and sipping thoughtfully as [she]26-maddie gazes around [the bar]667-the bar , where laptops clutter tables and [people]2279-people chat post - workout . “ Hmmm , this is lush . ”[26-maddie] “ Glad [your]2010-the kids taste has n’t changed , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say , motioning [her]26-maddie to the stairs that lead to the gym floor . [Her]26-maddie face is suddenly bright and chirpy as [she]26-maddie flanks [me]0-i , [her]26-maddie lips stuck to the straw . “ That would have been a bit of a shock for [you]2010-the kids , would n’t it ? ”[26-maddie] “ What would ? ”[26-maddie] “ Well , if [I]26-maddie came around and did n’t fancy [you]2010-the kids . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie titters as [we]1165-we take [the stairs]244-the stairs , amused . “ So [you]2010-the kids fancy [me]0-i ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i say , sounding casual and unaffected . [You]2010-the kids ’re all right , [I]0-i suppose . ”[0-i] The nerve . [I]0-i nudge [her]26-maddie and [she]26-maddie chuckles , coming to a stop at the top of [the stairs]244-the stairs when the gym floor comes into view . “ Wow . ”[26-maddie] Turning slowly on the spot , [she]26-maddie takes in the vast space . It could take [her]26-maddie a while . [A Bodypump class]1167-a bodypump class is happening on the grid across the way , [a team of [serious weight trainers]1169-serious weight trainers]1168-a team of serious weight trainers are lifting in the corner , [a group of [women]707-women]1168-a team of serious weight trainers are speed cycling at the far back . And then [the glass - fronted studios]1171-the glass - fronted studios are all full , one class or another happening in each . All the endorphins bouncing around [the place]2265-the place are sinking into [my]0-i skin , and [I]0-i wish [I]0-i could hit the treadmill . Exercise has always been a blessing to [me]0-i , a perfect way to alleviate stress . And now , when [I]0-i ’m the most stressed [I]0-i ’ve ever been , [I]0-i have n’t had the opportunity to expel it . [Many people]2140-many people pass [us]1174-us , [clients]1175-clients and [staff]2004-staff , all saying hello , smiling , clearly pleased to see [us]1174-us . But [Ava]238-ava does n’t recognize [any of [them]1168-a team of serious weight trainers]2472-any of them . [She]238-ava just smiles awkwardly , becoming increasingly uncomfortable by the second . [I]238-ava ’m here every day ? ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava asks , [her]238-ava tone not cluing [me]0-i in on whether that pleases [her]238-ava or daunts [her]238-ava . [I]0-i ’m hoping it pleases [her]238-ava , and then maybe [she]238-ava ’ll lose that silly idea of working elsewhere . “ Yes , with [me]238-ava . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava seizes [my]0-i hand without prompt , clinging to it harshly . “ It ’s very loud . ”[238-ava] Shit , [she]238-ava ’s right . It ’s banging , nothing unusual , but [Ava]238-ava ’s head is delicate . [I]0-i pull [her]238-ava on , keen to get [us]1178-us away from the pumping gym floor to somewhere quieter . “ Here . ”[238-ava] Opening the door to [[her]238-ava office]2002-your office , [I]0-i usher [her]238-ava in and shut out the noise . That ’s better . [She]238-ava probably could n’t hear [herself]238-ava think . [She]238-ava wanders in quietly , taking in the space that [she]238-ava frequents daily , [my]0-i eager eyes looking for some recognition on [her]238-ava face . [She]238-ava finds the picture frame on the desk and lifts it , smiling down at the photograph of [us]1178-us all . It ’s just another piece of evidence that this is real , that [she]238-ava ’s not about to wake up at any moment and discover [she]238-ava ’s been trapped in a dream . [[Your]0-i office]2002-your office is very nice , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava says , setting the frame down . [[My]0-i office]2002-your office ? “ This is n’t [[my]0-i office]2002-your office , [Ava]238-ava , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say , taking [my]0-i usual spot on the couch by the window . “ This is [[your]0-i office]2002-your office . ”[0-i] [Her]238-ava eyes widen a fraction , going on another little journey around the space . [Mine]238-ava ? ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava questions , obviously thrown . Reclining , [I]0-i smile at [her]238-ava wonder . “ Yours . ”[0-i] [I]0-i watch as [she]238-ava pulls [her]238-ava chair out from [her]238-ava desk and sits down , tugging open a few drawers . [She]238-ava takes something out and flashes it to [me]0-i on a grin . Setting the red nail polish on the top , [she]238-ava sits back , and [I]0-i smile , thinking [she]238-ava looks as sexy as ever when [she]238-ava ’s behind that desk . [I]238-ava feel very important . ”[238-ava] [You]238-ava are . ”[0-i] [I]0-i kick [my]0-i ankle up onto [my]0-i knee and rest [my]0-i elbow on the back of the couch . “ So where ’s [[your]238-ava office]2002-your office ? ”[0-i] [I]238-ava ’m sitting on it . ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava smile is given through a frown . [You]238-ava work from that couch ? ”[238-ava] “ Yes . ”[0-i] “ And what work do [you]238-ava do from there ? ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava kicks [her]238-ava feet up onto the desk , while [I]0-i kick [mine]0-i up onto the couch , lying back , arms behind [my]0-i head , all comfy . [I]0-i wish [she]238-ava could see what [I]0-i see when [I]0-i ’m in [here]2274-here . [I]0-i see [us]1181-us on every available surface . [Me]0-i between [her]238-ava legs . [God]373-god , how many times have [I]0-i taken [her]238-ava on that desk ? “ The only work [I]373-god get done while [I]373-god ’m in here is admiring [[my]373-god wife]238-ava . It ’s a very important part of [my]373-god day . ”[373-god] “ Slacking on the job ? [The boss]2656-the boss is n’t setting a very good example . ”[0-i] [I]0-i ’m thoroughly amused by [her]238-ava words . [Ava]238-ava , [everyone around here]2657-everyone around here knows that it is [you]238-ava who ’s [boss]2656-the boss . Not [me]0-i . ”[0-i] “ That ’s absurd . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava picks up a pen and starts to fiddle with it , weaving it through [her]238-ava fingers in feigned concentration . [You]238-ava ’re [a control freak]2385-a control freak . [I]238-ava ca n’t image [you]238-ava let [me]238-ava take the reins in [[your]238-ava fancy health club]809-our health club . ”[238-ava] [I]238-ava ’m only a control freak when it comes to [you]238-ava . And it ’s [[our]2660-our health club]809-our health club . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava nods , thoughtful , gazing around . “ So while [I]238-ava ’m slaving away , [you]238-ava just lie there looking pretty , do [you]238-ava ? ”[238-ava] [I]0-i lift [my]0-i head a little , eyebrows high . [You]238-ava think [I]0-i look pretty ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i ’m playing it all cool , but inside [I]0-i want to jump up and rock out to a bit of [J. Timberlake]132-j. timberlake . [She]238-ava ’s being rather open with [her]238-ava attraction today . Almost blatant . Almost suggestive . It ’s no wonder [she]238-ava has a headache : [her]238-ava eye rolls are constant and impressive . “ How do [I]238-ava concentrate with [you]238-ava loitering around ? ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava goes into another drawer and pulls out a few files , frowning at [them]1182-them . Then a calculator that [she]238-ava sets to the side . And , finally , a nail file . [She]238-ava looks delighted with [her]238-ava find as [she]238-ava takes it to [her]238-ava nails . [I]238-ava leave [you]238-ava to work . ”[238-ava] Fuck , what was [I]0-i thinking bringing [us]1183-us in here ? All [my]0-i intentions to make [her]238-ava take it easy are forgotten . Lost . [She]238-ava ’s sitting there in [her]238-ava pretty little sundress and flip - flops , [her]238-ava hair a mess of loose waves , [her]238-ava face makeup - free , and [she]238-ava looks fucking edible . And that desk is calling . [I]0-i throw [my]0-i legs off the couch , getting up , and stride toward [her]238-ava . The side - to - side motion of the file slows as [I]0-i near , [her]238-ava eyes lifting up [my]0-i tall frame to [my]0-i face . [You]238-ava ’re not lying down now . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava points the file at [me]0-i , as if [I]0-i might have missed the fact that [I]0-i ’ve got [myself]0-i to [my]0-i feet . “ Does that mean [you]238-ava ’re going to do some work ? ”[238-ava] “ Oh , yes . ”[0-i] [I]0-i sit on the edge of [her]238-ava desk , [my]0-i gaze never wavering from [hers]238-ava . [I]238-ava ’m going to do some work all right . ”[238-ava] Breath hitching . [Body]133-body subtly fidgeting . Eyes filing with hunger . [Nipples]134-nipples hardening against the material of [her]238-ava dress . [My]0-i eyes drop to [her]238-ava crotch , [my]0-i head tilting . [She]238-ava ’s wet , too . [I]0-i can smell it from here . “ Behave , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava all but squeaks , going back to filing [her]238-ava nails , doing a terrible job of feigning coolness . [She]238-ava ’s on fire . [I]0-i can practically see the flames on [her]238-ava skin . And all of these reactions have the usual effect on [me]0-i . [She]238-ava has [her]238-ava usual effect on [me]0-i . [This woman]238-ava makes [my]0-i veins burn . Makes [my]0-i eyes sting just looking at [her]238-ava . Makes [my]0-i heart surge with adoration . “ See , that ’s always been a problem for [me]0-i , [Ava]238-ava . ”[0-i] [I]0-i place the tip of [my]0-i finger on the shiny wood of [her]238-ava desk and drag it lazily across the surface . [I]0-i ’ve never been able to behave when it comes to [you]238-ava . ”[0-i] “ Wherever , whenever , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava murmurs , lust spilling over every word . [We]2661-we ’ve had sex in [this office]2662-this office , have n’t [we]2661-we ? ”[238-ava] “ The couch , the floor , the desk , against the door . ”[0-i] [I]0-i take [her]238-ava feet from the desk and use them to pull [her]238-ava closer on [her]238-ava rolling chair , smiling when [she]238-ava sticks [herself]238-ava to the back . Plucking the file from between [her]238-ava limp fingers , [I]0-i flick it across [her]238-ava desk and lower [her]238-ava feet to the floor , straddling [her]238-ava lap and placing a palm on either side of [her]238-ava head . [I]0-i have many fond memories in [this office]2662-this office , [baby]194-kate . [I]0-i wish [you]194-kate had them , too . ”[0-i] [I]0-i dip , touching [her]238-ava nose with [mine]0-i , loving the feel of [her]238-ava breathy pants hitting [my]0-i face . “ But [I]0-i ’m going to love making more . ”[0-i] [I]0-i place [my]0-i hand between [her]238-ava thighs , going in for the kill . [I]0-i ’m too wound up to resist . Last night has only made [me]0-i hungrier for [her]238-ava . And besides , [I]0-i know [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie well enough to know when [she]238-ava wants it , and [she]238-ava wants it now . “ Spread [them]2665-them . ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava legs split open immediately , and before [I]0-i have the chance to kiss [her]238-ava , [she]238-ava ’s kissing [me]0-i . [I]0-i ’m attacked with brutal force , [her]238-ava body up out of the chair faster than is wise , yet [I]0-i ’m in no position to stop [her]238-ava . [I]0-i sit [her]238-ava on the desk , putting [myself]0-i between [her]238-ava thighs . While [her]238-ava mouth devours [mine]0-i , [her]238-ava frantic hands work the button of [my]0-i fly , yanking impatiently , small growls backing up [her]238-ava frustrated , fumbling fingers . [I]0-i smile around [our]1185-our kiss , [my]0-i grip of [her]238-ava hair gentle , contradicting [her]238-ava force . [I]0-i rip [my]0-i lips away from [her]238-ava , finding [her]238-ava eyes . [She]238-ava looks drunk . [I]0-i draw back and pull up [my]0-i T - shirt over [my]0-i head . “ Who has the power , [baby]194-kate ? ”[0-i] [You]194-kate , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava murmurs , reaching for the waist of [my]0-i jeans and tugging [me]0-i forward . [Her]238-ava hand soon finds [my]0-i cock , pulling it free and squeezing gently . [I]0-i ’m so fucking thrilled that [she]238-ava still knows that . Still feels it . Still wants [me]0-i with a craving [she]238-ava ca n’t control . [I]0-i am [[her]238-ava god]1186-her god . [Jesus]26-maddie . [This woman]238-ava rules [me]0-i . Controls [me]0-i . [She]238-ava keeps [my]0-i blood chasing through [my]0-i veins , [my]0-i heart beating , [my]0-i soul pure . And right now , [she]238-ava does n’t even know it . [She]238-ava needs reacquainting with the feelings that always cripple [us]1187-us . That take [us]1187-us to heights [no one]210-no one could ever understand . The feelings that make [us]1187-us [us]1187-us . [I]0-i think [she]238-ava ’s more or less there already . Even before this moment . Even before [we]1187-us made love . Even if [she]238-ava ’s confused by [our]1187-us connection and the natural reactions [we]1187-us have to each other . [They]1189-they ’re all still there inside [her]238-ava , there to be uncovered . [I]1189-they ’m going to fuck [you]1189-they to — ”[1189-they] [I]0-i ’m interrupted from finishing [my]0-i promise when the door of [the office]192-the office flies open . And there ’s only a split second before a shocked yelp penetrates [the room]202-the room . “ Oh [[my]0-i God]26-maddie , [I]0-i ’m so sorry ! ”[0-i] [I]0-i just catch sight of a distressed - looking [Cherry]26-maddie before the door slams , leaving [us]1187-us alone again . “ Oh God , how embarrassing ! ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava scrambles up from the desk with the help of [my]0-i hand . “ Who was that ? ”[238-ava] [Cherry]26-maddie . ”[0-i] [I]0-i steady [Ava]238-ava on [her]238-ava feet and push [her]238-ava hair from [her]238-ava eyes on a smile . [She]238-ava ’s all in a fluster , and it ’s sexy as hell . “ Who ’s [Cherry]26-maddie ? ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava works for [us]2668-us . Wait there . ”[0-i] [I]0-i head to the door , damning [myself]0-i for not locking it . Fucking hell , [I]0-i ’m charged . [Jesse]454-jesse ? ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava calls , and [I]0-i turn , finding [her]238-ava pointing at [[my]0-i groin area]1192-my groin area as [she]238-ava dips to collect the things [we]1193-we ’ve knocked from the desk . [You]2669-you might want to put [yourself]2669-you away . And maybe put [your]2669-you T - shirt back on . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava throws it to [me]0-i and [I]0-i catch it , looking down at [my]0-i crotch . Shit , [I]0-i ’m hanging out all over [the place]2265-the place . [I]0-i hear [her]238-ava chuckle as [I]0-i continue to the door , tucking [my]0-i cock into [my]0-i boxers and fastening [my]0-i jeans . Swinging the door open , [I]0-i find [Cherry]26-maddie standing outside , [her]26-maddie cheeks crimson . [Her]26-maddie gaze drops to [my]0-i chest , [her]26-maddie body visibly softening . “ Oh , there it is , ”[26-maddie] [she]26-maddie whispers under [her]26-maddie breath . “ What ? ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie snaps out of [her]26-maddie little trance and looks up at [me]0-i . “ Good to see [you]26-maddie , [Jesse]454-jesse . ”[26-maddie] The tone of [her]26-maddie voice is effortlessly husky , and [her]26-maddie eyes are flashing delightedly . [She]26-maddie smiles , giving [me]0-i the once - over again , hugging the files to [her]26-maddie chest . The pressure pushes [her]26-maddie tits up . Again , not that [I]0-i ’m purposely looking . [They]1195-they ’re kinda just … there . [I]0-i ignore [her]26-maddie blatant flirting , looking past [her]26-maddie down [the corridor]195-the corridor when [I]0-i hear the sound of footsteps — heavy footsteps that can belong to [only one man]1197-only one man . [John]60-jacob strides toward [us]1198-us , [his]1197-only one man signature shades firmly in place . [Cherry]26-maddie , ”[1197-only one man] [he]1197-only one man rumbles , nodding sharply at [the woman outside [[my]0-i office]1179-my office]26-maddie before turning [his]1197-only one man eyes on [me]0-i . “ What are [you]2670-you doing here ? ”[1197-only one man] [We]1198-us ’re not staying . ”[0-i] [I]0-i pull [my]0-i T - shirt on as [I]0-i back up into [the office]1179-my office to let [them]1201-them in , ignoring the grin on [Cherry]26-maddie ’s face . [John]60-jacob spots [Ava]238-ava at [her]238-ava desk , [his]1197-only one man smooth forehead crinkling a little . “ Hey , [girl]26-maddie . ”[60-jacob] “ Hey , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava says quietly , looking past [me]0-i to [the woman who ’s on the threshold of [[her]238-ava office]1179-my office]26-maddie . [She]238-ava also looks wary . Maybe a little pissed off , and it ’s not because [Cherry]26-maddie put the blockers on [our]1202-our moment . [I]0-i quickly move aside when [Cherry]26-maddie wanders in , [her]26-maddie arm brushing [mine]0-i . “ It ’s lovely to see [you]26-maddie , [Ava]238-ava . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie reaches the desk and smiles brightly at [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie , who looks at [her]26-maddie with a little suspicion . “ Sure it is , ”[26-maddie] [she]26-maddie mumbles , all hostile . “ Would [you]26-maddie mind giving [us]2671-us five minutes ? ”[26-maddie] [she]26-maddie says to [Cherry]26-maddie , the question sounding like anything but a question , [her]26-maddie tone flat , [her]26-maddie smile sickly sweet . “ Of course . ”[26-maddie] [Cherry]26-maddie backs away , turning and sashaying to the door . [She]26-maddie definitely straightens [her]26-maddie back on the way , and [she]26-maddie definitely has a little pouty - lips thing going on . Fucking hell . [I]0-i roll [my]0-i eyes and face [[my]0-i annoyed wife]26-maddie . Maybe annoyed is an understatement . [Seething]135-seething seems more appropriate . [She]26-maddie is n’t [a happy girlie]1203-a happy girlie . And [I]0-i ’m thrilled . [She]26-maddie cocks [her]26-maddie head in question , and [I]0-i just shrug . What can [I]0-i say ? [I]60-jacob ’ve given [Cherry]26-maddie a few more responsibilities in [Ava]238-ava ’s absence , ”[60-jacob] [John]60-jacob says , maybe a little cautiously . “ Sorry if [I]60-jacob ’ve upset [you]60-jacob , [girl]60-jacob . ”[60-jacob] “ Do n’t worry , ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava grumbles moodily . “ It ’s not like [I]26-maddie can remember how to do [my]26-maddie job , anyway . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie picks up a few bits of paper from the floor and scans them before chucking them back on the desk and dropping to the chair . “ The accounts need to be kept in check , membership fees collected , [creditors]2672-creditors paid , ”[353-the big man] [the big man]353-the big man continues , showing a rare pacifying side . [You]60-jacob do n’t need to be worrying about work at the moment . ”[353-the big man] [I]0-i join [John]60-jacob in [his]353-the big man attempts to make [Ava]238-ava feel better , because despondency over work is n’t good when [she]238-ava ’s spouting off shit about other jobs . Over [my]0-i dead body . [We]2673-we need to focus on getting [you]60-jacob well . ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava scowl is pointed at [me]0-i , though [I]0-i know [she]238-ava ’s more annoyed with [herself]238-ava . [I]238-ava feel fine , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava grumbles , pushing [herself]238-ava to [her]238-ava feet . “ And [I]60-jacob also do n’t need to be worried about some hussy coming on to [[my]60-jacob husband]454-jesse . ”[60-jacob] [John]60-jacob coughs , and [I]0-i smile like [a madman on the inside]1205-a madman on the inside . [She]238-ava ’s not only being possessive over [me]0-i , which alone is thrilling , [she]238-ava ’s also being possessive over [her]238-ava job . This is good . [She]238-ava can quit with the stupid idea of getting another one . [No woman]2485-no woman turns [my]238-ava head unless it is [[my]238-ava wife]238-ava , ”[238-ava] [I]0-i remind [her]238-ava , wandering over and collecting [her]238-ava hand . [You]238-ava know that . ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava over - the - top pout is so adorable . [She]238-ava wants reassurance . [I]0-i ’ll give it , all day every day . [I]0-i hope [we]1206-we once again get to the point when [she]238-ava does n’t need it anymore . [I]238-ava know that . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava puts [herself]238-ava in [my]0-i chest , [her]238-ava arms slipping around [my]0-i back , [her]238-ava cheek squished against [my]0-i T - shirt . “ For such [an old man]2676-an old man , [you]2676-an old man ’re in high demand , [Jesse Ward]454-jesse . ”[0-i] [I]0-i recoil , and [John]60-jacob laughs [his]1207-his laugh that ’s capable of shaking [a building]1208-a building . “ Go [home]201-home , ”[1207-his] [he]1207-his chuckles , making for the door . [I]1207-his ’m keeping [Cherry]26-maddie in check . ”[1207-his] “ Thanks , [John]60-jacob . ”[0-i] [I]0-i wrestle [Ava]238-ava from [my]0-i front and turn [her]238-ava , leading [her]238-ava to the door . “ Old ? ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava shoulders jump under [my]0-i palms . [Your]238-ava age does n’t seem to be making the slightest bit of difference to the attention [you]238-ava get . That [Cherry]26-maddie must be ten years younger than [me]238-ava . ”[238-ava] [You]238-ava being all possessive ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i kiss [her]238-ava cheek as [we]1209-we walk back to [the main floor of [the gym]182-the gym]1210-the main floor of the gym , [me]0-i tailing [her]238-ava , [her]238-ava hands now resting over [mine]0-i where [they]1212-they lay on [her]238-ava shoulders . “ Because [I]238-ava like it . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava comes to a stop , and [her]238-ava body starts jerking a little under [my]0-i touch . Worried , [I]0-i round [her]238-ava . [She]238-ava has the biggest smile on [her]238-ava face . “ What ? ”[238-ava] [I]0-i ask . Lifting [her]238-ava arm , [she]238-ava points , prompting [me]0-i to look over [my]0-i shoulder . “ Rowing machines , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava says , definite humor edging [her]238-ava tone , though it ’s obvious [she]238-ava ’s unsure why , a small frown marring [her]238-ava smile when [I]0-i return [my]0-i attention to [her]238-ava . “ What ’s so funny ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i ask . [I]238-ava do n’t know . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava shakes [her]238-ava head . “ Do [you]238-ava like rowing ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i grin , looking back at the machines , thinking [they]1213-they ’ve developed a lot over the years . There ’s no way [I]0-i could execute the perfect slide and hit on one of those things . [I]0-i ’m so glad [I]0-i kept [[my]0-i old one]1214-my old one . [We]2678-we love rowing . ”[0-i] [We]2678-we do ? ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava seems surprised by the revelation . “ Am [I]238-ava good at it ? ”[238-ava] [I]0-i chuckle to [myself]0-i , feeling [my]0-i eyes spark with revived fire . [You]238-ava ’re very good at it . ”[0-i] “ What , like all romantic , rowing - on - the - river type of thing ? Sunshine , peace , and gooey romantic words ? ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava eyes gleam . [I]0-i ’m about to burst [her]238-ava idyllic bubble . [My]0-i palm creeping across [her]238-ava shoulders , [I]0-i pull [her]238-ava into [my]0-i side and start walking [us]1215-us away from the rowing machines . “ Not quite like that . ”[0-i] [I]0-i feel [her]238-ava look up at [me]0-i in question , prompting [me]0-i to go on . [Our]1215-us rowing is very unique . ”[238-ava] “ Why does n’t that surprise [me]0-i ? So , come on , then . How do [we]1215-us row ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i nod at [a few patrons]2252-the men as [they]2252-the men pass , [the men]2252-the men wiping [their]2252-the men sweaty brows with towels . “ It involves [me]2252-the men sitting on the seat and [you]2252-the men sitting on [me]2252-the men . ”[2252-the men] “ On those things ? ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava questions , stopping [us]1215-us and turning to inspect the machines again . “ How is that even possible ? ”[2252-the men] [I]0-i do n’t think it is . ”[0-i] [I]0-i look down at [her]238-ava , grinning , and take [her]238-ava hand , tugging [her]238-ava back over . “ Come on , let ’s try . ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava resistance is instant , [her]238-ava spare hand wrapped around [my]0-i wrist trying to stop [me]0-i , [her]238-ava feet digging in . [Jesse]454-jesse . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava ’s laughing , but it ’s loaded with nerves . [We]2679-we ’re in the middle of the gym floor . ”[238-ava] “ So ? ”[0-i] [My]0-i strength will always win , and [I]0-i have [her]238-ava where [I]0-i want [her]238-ava within a few seconds . [Her]238-ava dark eyes scan the length of metal , worry written all over that gorgeous face . Keeping hold of [her]238-ava hand , [I]0-i lower [myself]0-i to the seat and pat [my]0-i thigh . “ All aboard , ”[0-i] [I]0-i tease , and [she]238-ava bursts into fits of giggles , the sound saturating the space around [us]1217-us . “ Stop it . ”[238-ava] “ No . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i yank [her]238-ava forward and have [her]238-ava straddling [my]0-i lap before [she]238-ava can protest again , [her]238-ava torso locked to [my]0-i chest , [our]1217-us cheeks pressed together . “ It goes something like this , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say quietly in [her]238-ava ear , using [my]0-i feet to glide [us]1217-us down the railing . “ Slide . ”[0-i] [I]0-i whisper the word and then launch [us]1217-us back up until [our]1217-us bodies jolt at the other end . “ And hit , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava finishes for [me]0-i . The impact of [her]238-ava chest crushing to [mine]0-i , [her]238-ava groin rubbing into [me]0-i , the words that have come from deep within [her]238-ava . It ’s a potent cocktail , causing wild activity past the fly of [my]0-i jeans , activity that [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie has n’t missed . [She]26-maddie pulls back , [her]26-maddie palms on [my]0-i shoulders , and tilts [her]26-maddie head . “ Oh dear , ”[26-maddie] [she]26-maddie murmurs , wickedly grinding [her]26-maddie hips into [me]0-i . “ Now [you]0-i stop it , ”[26-maddie] [I]0-i warn , quickly lifting [us]1217-us from the seat before [I]0-i ’m pushed over the edge of control and give endless members of [our]1217-us club a show [they]1219-they wo n’t forget . [She]26-maddie giggles softly and puts [herself]26-maddie in [my]0-i chest , [her]26-maddie hand on [my]0-i nape pulling [my]0-i lips down to [hers]26-maddie . [She]26-maddie kisses [me]0-i hard . Possessively . [I]0-i ’m taken aback , but in no way complaining . “ What was that for ? ”[26-maddie] [I]0-i ask when [she]26-maddie slows the roll of [her]26-maddie searching tongue . “ Just felt like kissing [you]26-maddie . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie pulls back , pouting . [I]26-maddie ’m allowed , right ? ”[26-maddie] “ Stupid fucking question . ”[0-i] [I]0-i turn [us]1217-us to get [us]1217-us on [our]1217-us way , coming face - to - face with [Cherry]26-maddie . “ Oh . ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava moves into [my]0-i side , clinging onto [my]0-i arm . “ Sorry , [I]238-ava did n’t see [you]238-ava there . ”[238-ava] [Cherry]26-maddie ’s smile is pushed through gritted teeth , and [I]0-i sigh , tugging [Ava]238-ava along before [she]26-maddie moves into true trampling mode . [I]0-i flip a tired look down at [her]238-ava as [we]1217-us take [the stairs]244-the stairs . “ What ? ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava asks , all innocent and pouty . “ Nothing . ”[0-i] [I]0-i fight to keep [my]0-i grin contained . It ’s hard . Because [I]0-i ’ve just been marked . Chapter 31 [You]1221-you need to sleep . ” “[1221-you] [I]0-i want [you]1221-you to finish what [you]1221-you started in [the office]192-the office . ” There ’s fire in [her]26-maddie eyes . Pure , possessive fire . [I]1221-you smile on the inside . But , and it pains [me]1221-you to say it , [she]26-maddie needs rest . [I]1221-you ’m taking too much out of [her]26-maddie . “[1221-you] Bed . [She]26-maddie gazes up at [me]0-i as [we]2680-we slowly take [the stairs]244-the stairs , too many wicked intentions spilling from the depths of [her]26-maddie dark eyes . “[0-i] [I]0-i want a bath . ” “[26-maddie] [Jesus]26-maddie , [Ava]238-ava , are [you]26-maddie trying to finish [me]0-i off ? ” Wet , slippery skin wo n’t help [my]26-maddie cause . On a little chuckle , [her]26-maddie head meets [my]26-maddie bicep , and [I]26-maddie notice [her]26-maddie steps becoming more labored as [we]2680-we reach the top of [the stairs]244-the stairs . “[26-maddie] [You]26-maddie can scrub [my]0-i back . ” “[26-maddie] [You]26-maddie ’re evil . ” Entering [the bathroom]294-the bathroom , [I]26-maddie eye the huge marble tub like [I]26-maddie hate it . [She]26-maddie ’ll be lost in there all alone . Maybe [I]26-maddie could join [her]26-maddie , because [I]26-maddie could easily get away with not touching [her]26-maddie if [I]26-maddie stay way on the other side . “[26-maddie] It ’s massive . [She]26-maddie breaks away from [me]1223-me and starts drawing [herself]26-maddie a bath , picking up a bottle of bubble bath from the side and taking it to [her]26-maddie nose , inhaling before adding a massive dose to the running water . “[1223-me] [We]1223-me like having baths . [I]26-maddie move across to the cream crushed velvet chair that sits in the corner and put [my]26-maddie big body in it . “[26-maddie] [You]26-maddie picked the tub . [She]26-maddie takes in the mammoth thing , humming to [herself]26-maddie . “[26-maddie] It ’s very [me]0-i . ” “[0-i] It ’s very [me]0-i , too , especially when [you]26-maddie ’re in it . [She]26-maddie keeps [her]26-maddie eyes on the filling tub . “[0-i] So [you]26-maddie ’re just going to sit there and watch [me]0-i ? [She]26-maddie slowly pulls [her]26-maddie sundress over [her]26-maddie head and takes [her]26-maddie underwear off . Fuck . [Me]238-ava . [I]238-ava press [myself]238-ava into the back of the chair , every muscle solid in an attempt to stop from shooting up and tackling [her]26-maddie to the floor . [She]26-maddie ’s playing games . “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava , do n’t tease [me]0-i . ” With [her]26-maddie chin on [her]26-maddie shoulder , [she]26-maddie coyly glances over at [me]238-ava . It ’s wonderful to see [my]238-ava temptress showing signs of returning to [her]26-maddie former glory . Yet it ’s agony that [I]238-ava ca n’t utilize it to its fullest . “[238-ava] [I]0-i want [you]1224-my to have a bath with [me]0-i . ” “[238-ava] [I]0-i do n’t trust [myself]0-i . ” “[238-ava] Did n’t bother [you]1224-my last night . [I]238-ava scrub [my]238-ava palms down [my]238-ava face , hanging on to [my]238-ava resistance . [She]26-maddie wants [me]238-ava . “[238-ava] [You]1224-my ’re overdoing it . ” “[1224-my] [I]0-i feel fine . [Her]26-maddie brown eyes , shimmering and bright , reinforce [her]26-maddie claim , and the sense of satisfaction is unreal , but … still . [I]1224-my shake [my]1224-my head since [my]1224-my mouth refuses to decline , and fold [my]1224-my arms over [my]1224-my chest . “[1224-my] Suit [yourself]1224-my . [She]26-maddie shrugs [her]26-maddie naked shoulders and steps into the tub as it continues to fill . [I]454-jesse ’m not [a happy man]2683-a happy man . But [I]454-jesse just ca n’t deprive [myself]454-jesse of the pleasure of looking at [her]26-maddie . Admiring [her]26-maddie . Thinking about how crazily [I]454-jesse love [her]26-maddie . So fucking much . Even now , when [she]26-maddie ’s not quite fully mobile , [her]26-maddie moves are graceful . [She]26-maddie carries [herself]26-maddie with a subtle power that has awed [me]454-jesse since the day [she]26-maddie wandered into [[my]454-jesse office]634-my office . [She]26-maddie is , quite simply , [the most enthralling person [I]454-jesse ’ve ever encountered]26-maddie . And [she]26-maddie ’s [mine]454-jesse . Beautiful and elegant , with a sprinkling of sass . [My]454-jesse head tilts in silent contemplation . A sprinkling of sass ? Not if [you]2685-you consider [her]26-maddie potty mouth . Then [I]454-jesse ’m smiling , because [I]454-jesse know that potty mouth is enhanced by [me]454-jesse . Ironic , really . [I]454-jesse ’m the catalyst for [her]26-maddie foul language — the language that drives [me]454-jesse to distraction . [My]454-jesse mind continues to wander as [I]454-jesse watch [her]26-maddie swishing the water with [her]26-maddie feet to build the bubbles . Last night was beyond beautiful . [We]2686-we came together like [we]2686-we ’d never been apart , and as [she]26-maddie stared up at [me]454-jesse while [I]454-jesse lazily rocked into [her]26-maddie , [I]454-jesse knew [she]26-maddie felt the overwhelming connection . Maybe [I]454-jesse ’d hoped [our]2686-we lovemaking would dislodge whatever ’s holding back [her]26-maddie memories , but [I]454-jesse did n’t dwell on the fact that it did n’t . [I]454-jesse was too blindsided to care in that moment . “[454-jesse] [Jesse]454-jesse ? [I]454-jesse ’m awakened from [my]454-jesse thoughts by the soft call of [my]454-jesse name , and [I]454-jesse find [her]26-maddie with [her]26-maddie hand held out to [me]454-jesse . “[454-jesse] Please . ” How can [I]454-jesse refuse ? Simply put , [I]454-jesse ca n’t . [I]454-jesse get up and strip down , drawn to [her]26-maddie by an invisible force that ’s magic in its power . Taking [her]26-maddie hand , [I]454-jesse step in the tub and walk [her]26-maddie forward a few paces , and then lower [myself]454-jesse , bringing [Ava]238-ava carefully down with [me]454-jesse until [she]26-maddie ’s snug between [my]454-jesse thighs . “[454-jesse] [We]1225-we ’ll have some tub - talk . [I]1225-we take [her]26-maddie hair and push it over [her]26-maddie shoulder and down [her]26-maddie front . “[1225-we] [You]1226-you think [you]1226-you can resist [me]0-i ? ” “[1225-we] No . [Her]26-maddie arms come up over [her]26-maddie head and circle [my]1225-we neck , [her]26-maddie head resting to the side , [her]26-maddie eyes closing . “[1225-we] What ’s Paradise ? [she]26-maddie asks , the question coming from [left field]2687-left field . “[0-i] [I]0-i keep seeing [blue sea]1227-blue sea and … [She]26-maddie pauses for a beat , thinking . “[0-i] [I]0-i think it ’s [a villa]1228-a villa . [I]0-i recline and slide [my]0-i hands onto [her]26-maddie tummy . “[0-i] It ’s a special place . [We]1229-we got married there . ” “[1229-we] [You]1226-you told [me]0-i [we]1229-we got married at [[your]1226-you fancy sex club]1230-your fancy sex club . [Her]26-maddie eyes remain closed , only confirming the exhaustion [she]26-maddie ’s trying to fight . “[1229-we] [We]1229-we did . [We]1229-we renewed [our]1229-we vows on [the beach]2634-the beach . [I]1229-we smile fondly . “[1229-we] And then [I]0-i took [you]1226-you for a swim in [the sea]1123-the sea . ” “[1229-we] Sounds romantic . [Her]26-maddie legs entwine with [mine]0-i , slippery skin on slippery skin . “[1229-we] Tell [me]0-i how old [you]1226-you are . ” Before [I]0-i can utter a lie again , [I]0-i give pause , wondering if it will truly mean anything to [her]26-maddie if [I]0-i continue with this game . So far , it has n’t spiked a damn thing in [her]26-maddie mind . [I]0-i chew over [my]0-i next move for way too long and finally decide to bite the bullet . “[0-i] [I]0-i just turned fifty . [I]0-i do n’t know what to expect . Maybe a gasp of shock . Or horror . Or … [I]0-i do n’t know , but the silence seems worse , because no shock means [I]0-i must fucking look [my]0-i age . Long seconds pass . Still no reaction . Maybe [she]26-maddie ’s fallen asleep . Or maybe [she]26-maddie did n’t hear [me]0-i . Or maybe [she]26-maddie thinks [she]26-maddie did n’t hear [me]0-i right . “[0-i] [I]0-i said , [I]0-i ’m fif — ” “[0-i] [I]0-i heard [you]0-i . ” Cutting [me]0-i off , [she]26-maddie opens [her]26-maddie eyes and looks up at [me]0-i . “[0-i] [I]0-i already knew . [I]0-i just wanted to see how long [you]0-i ’d keep up the blatant lies . [She]26-maddie knew ? “[0-i] How ? ” “[194-kate] [Kate]194-kate told [me]0-i . [She]26-maddie returns to [her]26-maddie comfy spot and sighs , while [I]194-kate plot [my]194-kate revenge on [Kate]194-kate . “[194-kate] So [I]0-i guess that means [I]0-i do n’t need to handcuff [you]0-i to a bed this time ? [Kate]194-kate is forgotten . [Hope]136-hope is back . “[0-i] [You]0-i remember ? ” “[0-i] No , [Kate]194-kate told [me]0-i . [She]194-kate chuckles , and [I]194-kate sag in disappointment . “[194-kate] [I]0-i ca n’t believe [I]0-i did that to [you]0-i . ” “[194-kate] Neither could [I]0-i , [I]0-i grumble , absentmindedly tracing circles on [her]194-kate hips with the tips of [my]0-i fingers , relishing [her]194-kate subtle squirms . A comfortable silence falls , [Ava]238-ava snoozing peacefully , [me]0-i staring at the ceiling , happy to let [her]238-ava rest undisturbed . [I]0-i have a few precious days before [the kids]2010-the kids come [home]201-home to help [Ava]238-ava find the breakthrough [she]238-ava needs , and [my]0-i confidence that [I]0-i can is slipping with each hour that passes . With [the twins]2012-the twins [home]201-home , [we]2012-the twins ’ll have to readjust all over again . Trivial things such as taking [them]2010-the kids to [school]2011-school will be an issue for [both of [us]2012-the twins]461-both of us[Ava]238-ava because [she]238-ava does n’t even know what damn school [they]2010-the kids go to , or where it is , and [me]0-i because [I]0-i never want to let [her]238-ava drive ever again . Never want [her]238-ava to leave [my]0-i sight . Leaving [[my]0-i family]358-my family , even for only a few hours , has always been a challenge for [me]0-i . Stupid , yes . Or maybe not so stupid , given where [I]0-i am now . The first day of school for [the twins]2012-the twins was one of the worst days of [my]0-i life . [The teacher]2694-the teacher did n’t take too kindly to [me]0-i refusing to leave [the classroom]2695-the classroom , and [Ava]238-ava ended up dragging [me]0-i out by [my]0-i shirt . And to rub salt into [my]0-i grumpy wounds , [[my]0-i babies]216-my babies did n’t bat an eyelid when [I]0-i left . [I]0-i sulked the whole way to work . But , of course , [[my]0-i wife]238-ava ca n’t remember any of that . Remember , [I]0-i demand silently , boring holes into the back of [her]238-ava head , willing the memories to rise to the surface . Remember [me]0-i . Remember [us]2697-us . This helpless feeling is n’t getting better , no matter how many new memories [I]0-i ’m building in an attempt to replace [the old ones]2698-the old ones . The old memories are the original memories . Back then , [she]238-ava did n’t need to love [me]0-i . [She]238-ava chose to , even though it could be argued that [I]0-i did n’t give [her]238-ava much choice . Now , [I]0-i ca n’t help the tinge of worry that this time [she]238-ava really does n’t feel like [she]238-ava has much choice . [She]238-ava woke up with that ring on [her]238-ava finger . [She]238-ava woke up with a ready - made family . [She]238-ava woke up to [people]2279-people , people [she]238-ava loves and knows , telling [her]238-ava who [I]0-i am and who [she]238-ava is . [[My]0-i wife]238-ava . [The mother of [[my]0-i children]238-ava]238-ava . [My]0-i fucking world . [My]0-i sigh is deep , despondent , and [my]0-i chest lifts , rolling [Ava]238-ava upon it . [I]0-i flatten [my]0-i palms on [her]238-ava hips and stroke gently onto [her]238-ava thighs , making wide circles across [her]238-ava skin . [I]0-i do n’t miss the slight tensing of [her]238-ava body , and [I]0-i notice [her]238-ava nipples have hardened in the steaming water . [Her]238-ava arms , still linked over [my]0-i head , shift a little , as does [her]238-ava bottom , catching [me]0-i a treat on [my]0-i growing cock . [I]0-i cringe to [myself]0-i and still [my]0-i hands . What was [I]0-i thinking , putting [myself]0-i in the bath with [her]238-ava ? Talk about a glutton for punishment . [She]238-ava shifts again , and this time [I]0-i growl under [my]0-i breath , biting down on [my]0-i teeth to get [me]0-i through the amazing feeling of [her]238-ava soft arse nuzzling [my]0-i cock . [She]238-ava ’s doing this on purpose , trying to break [me]0-i , wear [me]0-i down , get the upper hand . [My]0-i hands take on a mind of [their]2700-they own and slide a fraction inward , taking [my]0-i touch to between [her]238-ava thighs . [I]0-i relax and let [my]0-i senses guide [me]0-i , and right now [my]0-i senses want [her]238-ava in every way [they]2700-they can . [My]0-i face plummets to [her]238-ava hair and [I]0-i inhale , [my]0-i fingers creeping closer to [her]238-ava center . [Her]238-ava legs spread , opening like [they]2700-they could be the gates to [heaven]2701-heaven . [Her]238-ava face turns out , [her]238-ava cheek resting on [my]0-i pec , [her]238-ava eyes closed , [her]238-ava lips parted . “[0-i] [You]26-maddie want [me]0-i to touch [you]26-maddie , [baby]26-maddie ? [I]26-maddie ask quietly , skimming the swollen lips at [her]238-ava entrance teasingly before withdrawing , going back to circling [her]238-ava thighs . [Her]238-ava body arches on [me]26-maddie , [her]238-ava boobs lifting , sending streams of water pouring down the sides of [her]238-ava body . “[26-maddie] Is that a yes ? ” One hand leaves the back of [my]0-i neck and reaches down for [my]0-i hand , trying to put it where [she]238-ava wants it to be . The fact that that ’s where [I]0-i want [my]0-i hand to be , too , is beside the point . [She]238-ava needs to ask . Nicely . “[0-i] Tell [me]0-i , [I]0-i all but growl , resisting [her]238-ava attempts to move [my]0-i hand . “[0-i] [You]26-maddie want [my]0-i fingers where [my]0-i cock was last night ? [I]26-maddie break free of [her]238-ava hold and take [my]26-maddie hands to the perfect mounds of [her]238-ava wet breasts , cupping each one . All [she]238-ava seems to be able to do is mumble broken sounds of pleasure , water lapping [her]238-ava body as [she]238-ava gently squirms on top of [me]26-maddie . “[26-maddie] [I]0-i ca n’t hear [you]26-maddie . [I]26-maddie dip and nibble at [her]238-ava ear . “[26-maddie] Lost for words , [lady]26-maddie ? ” “[26-maddie] Oooh , [God]373-god . [I]26-maddie smile . “[26-maddie] That ’s better . [I]26-maddie move [my]26-maddie hands back to between [her]238-ava legs and massage [her]238-ava gently , keeping [my]26-maddie touch just shy of [her]238-ava entrance . Fuck , [she]238-ava feels so good . So wet , so warm , so [mine]26-maddie . [Her]238-ava whole being goes lax above [me]26-maddie , every curve melting into [my]26-maddie chest and thighs , [her]238-ava weight perfectly placed , [her]238-ava arms back to curling around [my]26-maddie neck . [Her]238-ava head falls limply to the side , eyes drowsy , and [I]26-maddie just watch [her]238-ava , transfixed as [I]26-maddie play with [her]238-ava , tease [her]238-ava , slowly breach [her]238-ava entrance and withdraw again . “[26-maddie] Feel good ? [I]26-maddie whisper . [Her]238-ava answer is a long , breathy sigh . [I]26-maddie ’m fucking solid , but [I]26-maddie have no desire to roll [us]2702-us over and sink into [her]238-ava . [I]26-maddie just want to watch [her]238-ava take the pleasure [I]26-maddie ’m giving . All . Day . Long . [Her]238-ava swollen flesh slides across [my]26-maddie touch divinely ; [her]238-ava soft walls suck [my]26-maddie fingers in insatiably . The tips of [her]238-ava nipples beckon [me]26-maddie . [She]238-ava is gorgeous . The only sign of [her]238-ava slow build to orgasm is the increasing tension in [her]238-ava body , subtle but obvious when [she]238-ava ’s spread all over [me]26-maddie , [her]238-ava back slipping across [my]26-maddie chest . Half of [me]26-maddie wants to maintain this level of pleasure for [her]238-ava , where [she]238-ava ’s teetering on the edge , ready to roll over and seize [her]238-ava climax . But the other half of [me]26-maddie wants to hear [her]238-ava scream [my]26-maddie name . [My]26-maddie control is taken away from [me]26-maddie when [she]238-ava suddenly spins , [her]238-ava position putting the juncture of [her]238-ava thighs perfectly level with [my]26-maddie raging dick . Hands above [my]26-maddie head , clinging to the edge of the tub , [she]238-ava reaches forward , nuzzles [my]26-maddie nose , [my]26-maddie cheek , [my]26-maddie chin , and then [her]238-ava hips shift slightly , sending [my]26-maddie cock plunging with ease into [her]238-ava . [I]26-maddie cough [my]26-maddie surprise , gritting [my]26-maddie teeth , every inch of [my]26-maddie skin suddenly tingling . Breath is hard to find , control even harder . “[26-maddie] That was sneaky , [I]26-maddie pant against [her]238-ava cheek , [my]26-maddie cock pulsating wildly , desperate to lunge forward . “[26-maddie] Be quiet , [she]238-ava warns , attacking [my]26-maddie mouth with a firm but gentle force , whimpering happily when [I]26-maddie put up no fight . [She]238-ava has [me]26-maddie just where [she]238-ava wants [me]26-maddie , and rather than obsess with how uneasy [she]238-ava ’s taking it , [I]26-maddie relish in the knowledge that [she]238-ava clearly finds [me]26-maddie irresistible . [She]238-ava wants [me]26-maddie . Fifty years old , and [she]238-ava wants [me]26-maddie . Taking [my]26-maddie hands to [her]238-ava arse , [I]26-maddie cover [her]238-ava cheeks with [my]26-maddie palms and guide [her]238-ava in slow , amazing circles , grinding [her]238-ava onto [me]26-maddie while [she]238-ava hums into [my]26-maddie mouth , [her]238-ava tongue fighting delicately with [mine]26-maddie . What would [I]26-maddie ever do without this ? Without [her]238-ava ? [I]26-maddie pull back , needing to see [her]238-ava face , needing to check [she]238-ava ’s real . “[26-maddie] Give [me]0-i [your]0-i eyes . [My]0-i heart ’s beating , hard and steadily ; [I]0-i know [she]238-ava ’s here , but [I]0-i need to see those eyes . It ’s an effort for [her]238-ava , but [she]238-ava drags them open , [her]238-ava lashes wet and heavy , [her]238-ava brown gaze drenched with yearning . Or is that love ? “[0-i] [I]0-i love [you]0-i . [I]238-ava whisper the words , [my]238-ava head dropping back against the tub , the muscles in [my]238-ava neck failing [me]238-ava . “[238-ava] Words have never been enough , [Ava]238-ava . [I]0-i ’ve always had to show [you]0-i . ” “[0-i] Are [you]0-i showing … [She]238-ava fades off , [her]238-ava forehead falling against [mine]0-i on a groan . “[0-i] Now ? [she]238-ava whispers . “[0-i] Are [you]0-i showing [me]0-i now ? ” “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m showing [you]0-i every second . [Our]2703-our eyes are so close ; [our]2703-our lashes are touching . “[0-i] With no [you]0-i , there is no [me]0-i . [I]0-i ’m not telling [her]238-ava this to frighten [her]238-ava , or to make [her]238-ava feel bad . It ’s not emotional blackmail . [I]0-i ’m telling [her]238-ava because it is a fact . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m dust without [you]0-i . Hollow . [I]0-i roll [my]0-i hips , driving deeply . [She]238-ava loses the ability to keep [her]238-ava eyes open , and [her]238-ava lids drop , [her]238-ava fingers now gripping [my]0-i hair . “[0-i] Open , [I]0-i demand , and [she]238-ava does . “[0-i] [You]0-i are etched so deeply in [my]0-i heart , it can not beat without [you]0-i there . ” “[0-i] Because it only beats for [me]0-i , [she]238-ava whispers , and [I]0-i nod . [She]238-ava gets it . In this crazy situation [she]238-ava ’s in , [she]238-ava completely gets it , and it ’s the ridiculous connection [neither of [us]2705-we]2103-neither of us could stop when [we]2705-we met that ’s happening now and confirming it . It ’s telling [her]238-ava what [we]2705-we have . Guiding [her]238-ava . “[0-i] [I]0-i do n’t know how [I]0-i know , but [I]0-i know . [Her]238-ava fingers tighten in [my]0-i hair , and the tiny clenches of [her]238-ava internal walls stroke [my]0-i cock , taking [me]0-i closer to that special place . “[0-i] Together . [Her]238-ava murmured demand brings tears to [my]194-kate fucking eyes . “[194-kate] Always together , [baby]194-kate , [I]194-kate confirm , [my]194-kate arms crawling up [her]238-ava back and taking [her]238-ava in a hug as [we]2705-we carry [each other]2249-each other to release , [our]2705-we bodies crushed together , [our]2705-we hips flexing in sync , [our]2705-we eye contact never faltering . And when [we]2705-we go , [we]2705-we go together , [me]194-kate holding [my]194-kate breath to restrain [my]194-kate roar , [Ava]238-ava panting into [my]194-kate face , [her]238-ava jaw tight . “[194-kate] Oh Jesus . ” Air bursts out of [me]1235-you , the sensitivity becoming too much , though [I]1235-you endure it , seeing [she]238-ava ’s still riding the waves of [her]238-ava orgasm . And when [she]238-ava ’s over it , [she]238-ava collapses on [my]1235-you chest in a heap , gasping for breath . “[1235-you] [You]1235-you are the best sex [I]0-i ’ve ever had . [I]1235-you do n’t know whether to laugh or flip [my]1235-you lid . “[1235-you] For the sake of [my]0-i health , let ’s just say [I]0-i ’m the only sex [you]1235-you ’ve ever had . ” “[0-i] Possessive ? ” “[1235-you] [You]1235-you got that , huh ? [I]1235-you jolt through a laugh when [her]238-ava teeth sink into [my]1235-you shoulder . “[1235-you] [You]1235-you ’re a savage , [Mrs. Ward]26-maddie . [She]26-maddie settles and [I]26-maddie settle , too , relaxed , sated , and happy . And that ’s exactly how [we]2707-we remain until the water is far too cold for [my]26-maddie liking , and definitely too cool for [[my]26-maddie wife]26-maddie . [She]26-maddie has goose bumps , no matter how much [I]26-maddie rub [my]26-maddie hands all over [her]26-maddie back . “[26-maddie] That ’s enough tub - time . [She]26-maddie resists [me]0-i when [I]0-i try to get up , becoming a dead weight on [my]0-i chest . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m comfy . ” “[0-i] [You]1235-you ’re cold . [I]1235-you rise from the water with ease , [Ava]238-ava attached to [my]1235-you front . “[1235-you] And [I]0-i need to feed [you]1235-you . ” “[0-i] [You]1235-you think [you]1235-you can manage that without injuring [yourself]1235-you ? [She]26-maddie points to [my]0-i hand , a look of dismay clouding [her]26-maddie features . “[0-i] That was n’t [my]0-i fault . [My]0-i curled lip returns , along with [my]0-i resentment . “[0-i] [You]1235-you know , [[your]1235-you mother]39-your mother really has mastered the art of winding [me]0-i up . [I]39-your mother place [her]39-your mother on [her]39-your mother feet and take a towel , smothering [her]39-your mother with it , rubbing at [her]39-your mother wet hair while [she]39-your mother stands motionless before [me]39-your mother , letting [me]39-your mother do what [I]39-your mother ’m gon na do . “[39-your mother] Something tells [me]0-i it does n’t take much to wind [you]1235-you up . [I]0-i ignore [her]39-your mother and turn [her]39-your mother by [her]39-your mother shoulders , leading [her]39-your mother to [the dressing room]258-the dressing room . “[0-i] [I]0-i like the black knickers . There ’s a matching bra just there , [I]0-i tell [her]39-your mother , opening [her]39-your mother drawer . “[0-i] And what ’s this ? [she]39-your mother asks , reaching in and pulling something from beneath the tons of lace . [I]0-i ’m suddenly facing [[my]0-i nemesis]2709-my nemesis . “[0-i] That ’s nothing . [I]0-i swipe the vibrator from [her]39-your mother hand and hide it behind [my]0-i back , [my]0-i face contorted with the contempt [I]0-i really feel for the damn thing . “[0-i] Is that thing [mine]0-i ? [She]39-your mother looks alarmed . Welcome to [my]0-i world , honey . “[0-i] Nope . ” “[0-i] Then what ’s it doing in [my]0-i drawer ? [She]39-your mother tries to reach around [me]0-i to claim it , frowning at [me]0-i when [I]0-i step away , keeping a firm hold . “[0-i] No idea . [I]0-i turn and stalk away , set on finally throwing it in the trash . The last thing [I]0-i need right now is a machine replacing [me]0-i . Never . [I]0-i need all of [her]39-your mother pleasure . And [I]0-i need [her]39-your mother to need it , too . As [I]0-i make it to [the stairs]244-the stairs , [I]0-i take the first step , but stagger to a stop when [my]0-i arm is jolted , the vibrator suddenly gone from [my]0-i hands . [I]0-i swing around and find [Ava]238-ava inspecting it , [her]238-ava eyes running up and down the sparkly shaft . “[0-i] Give it back , [I]1237-i warn , with all the threat [I]1237-i really mean . Eyes flicking to [mine]1237-i , [she]238-ava smirks . “[1237-i] But it ’s [mine]1237-i . ” “[1237-i] No , [I]1237-i correct [her]238-ava , cupping [my]1237-i cock and mildly thrusting [my]1237-i hips forward , delighting in [her]238-ava eyes falling to [my]1237-i groin . “[1237-i] This is [yours]1237-i . That thing is n’t needed . ” With [her]238-ava lips pressed together , [she]238-ava gives [me]1237-i a wicked smirk . Then [she]238-ava flicks it on . The buzz . That fucking buzz has haunted [me]1237-i for the past twelve years . When is the damn thing going to die ? “[1237-i] Do [I]0-i use it much ? [I]0-i ’m not having this conversation . “[0-i] Never . Give it to [me]0-i . [I]0-i make a grab for it , but [she]238-ava ’s speedily taken it behind [her]238-ava back . There ’s a playful glint in [her]238-ava eye , one that [I]0-i would pay endless amounts of cash to see permanently . [I]0-i ’m not [the kind of man]2711-the kind of man to pass up an opportunity , and standing before [me]0-i is an opportunity . One that is goading [me]0-i . Clearing [my]0-i throat , [I]0-i stand tall and roll [my]0-i shoulders , [my]0-i head cocked , [my]0-i smile cunning . “[0-i] Three , [I]0-i state clear and low , taking one step forward , encouraging [Ava]238-ava ’s one step back . “[0-i] Oh , like that , is it ? [Your]1238-your silly little countdown ? ” “[1238-your] Silly ? [I]26-maddie chuckle , if only for effect , briefly looking down at [my]26-maddie bare feet , scuffing the carpet with [them]2712-them casually . “[26-maddie] No , no , [lady]26-maddie . [I]26-maddie peek up through [my]26-maddie lashes , nibbling on [my]26-maddie bottom lip . “[26-maddie] [You]26-maddie think it ’s far from silly when [I]0-i catch [you]26-maddie . Two . ” Another step forward for [me]26-maddie , another step back for [Ava]238-ava . [I]26-maddie ’m not worried . [She]238-ava could put a mile between [us]2713-us and [I]26-maddie ’d still catch [her]238-ava . “[26-maddie] Remind [me]0-i what happens when [you]26-maddie catch [me]0-i . ” “[26-maddie] One , [I]26-maddie counter , lunging threateningly , smiling like [a crazy man]2714-a crazy man when [she]238-ava jumps back , startled , before quickly composing [herself]238-ava . “[26-maddie] Then [I]0-i guess [I]0-i ’ll find out for [myself]0-i . [She]238-ava shrugs , blasé , and flicks the vibrator off . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m [a fast runner]1240-a fast runner . [I]60-jacob fall apart on the inside . [Her]238-ava bravado is cute . And a complete waste of [her]238-ava time . “[60-jacob] [Baby]60-jacob , [I]0-i always win . If [you]26-maddie remember anything , [you]26-maddie would do well to remember that . [She]238-ava scoffs . [I]60-jacob grin . [She]238-ava narrows [her]238-ava eyes on [me]60-jacob . [I]60-jacob grin harder . “[60-jacob] Zero , [baby]60-jacob , [I]238-ava whisper , and [she]238-ava ’s off , though not as fast as [she]238-ava would like , [her]238-ava limp evident . And [I]238-ava suddenly wonder what the fuck [I]238-ava ’m doing encouraging this . [She]238-ava ’ll do [herself]238-ava damage , and all because [she]238-ava wants to prove a point . “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava , stop ! ” “[238-ava] No way , [Ward]26-maddie . [She]238-ava hobbles off down [the stairs]244-the stairs , and [I]238-ava mentally kick [myself]238-ava repeatedly for being such [a careless fool]2716-a careless fool . [I]238-ava do n’t run after [her]238-ava , [I]238-ava walk , though [I]238-ava walk fast , ready to shut down this game immediately . “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava , [I]0-i ’m not playing . [I]238-ava see [her]238-ava round the corner at the bottom of [the stairs]244-the stairs , the vibrator waving above [her]238-ava head , now buzzing again . [She]238-ava ’s laughing . [I]238-ava ’m not . [I]238-ava ’m not in the least bit amused . “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava , for fuck ’s sake , stop running ! ” “[238-ava] Not so [you]1241-you can catch [me]0-i . [I]0-i know [your]1241-you game , [Ward]26-maddie . [I]238-ava speed up , [my]238-ava pace now urgent . “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava ! [I]0-i roar , [my]0-i patience fraying . Has [she]238-ava no fucking self - awareness ? “[0-i] [I]0-i swear to [God]373-god , if [you]1241-you do n’t pack it in , [I]0-i ’ll — ” “[0-i] What ? Give [me]0-i the countdown ? [She]238-ava cackles . “[26-maddie] [That ship]1242-that ship ’s sailed , [Ward]26-maddie . [I]238-ava throw [myself]238-ava down the final few steps , now fuming fucking mad , mixed with a ton of panic , too . If [she]238-ava does n’t kill [herself]238-ava with this recklessness , then [I]238-ava ’ll do the fucking job [myself]238-ava . [I]238-ava hear the back door slam . [The garden]2056-the house ? “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava ! ” Flying through [the house]2056-the house like a hurricane , [I]238-ava just manage to yank the door open before [I]238-ava throw [myself]238-ava through the glass . [I]238-ava see [her]238-ava running across [the lawn]2079-the lawn toward [the trampoline]2719-the trampoline . [I]238-ava ’m gaining on [her]238-ava , and [she]238-ava looks back over [her]238-ava shoulder , [her]238-ava smile splitting [her]238-ava face . “[238-ava] Stop , [I]238-ava warn , running after [her]238-ava . “[238-ava] [I]0-i ca n’t believe [you]238-ava ’d get so worked up over [my]0-i Weapon of Mass Des — [Her]238-ava words scream to a halt , and so does [her]238-ava body , so quickly that [I]194-kate nearly charge [her]238-ava down . [I]194-kate catch [her]238-ava arms , and [she]238-ava looks at [me]194-kate , [her]238-ava face vacant . “[194-kate] Destruction , [she]238-ava breathes , half - unsure , half - exhausted , [her]238-ava stare stuck to the vibrator in [her]238-ava hand . [She]238-ava drops it like a hot potato , like it could be on fire , and takes [her]238-ava palms to [her]238-ava temples , squeezing [her]238-ava eyes shut . [My]238-ava heart rate rockets . “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava ? [Ava]238-ava , [baby]194-kate , what ’s wrong ? [She]238-ava yells , [her]238-ava body bending forward , like [she]238-ava ’s trying to make [herself]238-ava small to protect [her]238-ava from something . What ? Pain ? Fuck , [my]238-ava heart ’s going to fall at [her]238-ava feet any moment . “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava , for fuck ’s sake . [I]454-jesse take the tops of [her]238-ava arms and bend , trying to get [her]238-ava face in [my]454-jesse sights . And when [I]454-jesse do , [I]454-jesse hate what [I]454-jesse see . [Her]238-ava expression is agony , contorted with pain . Oh [Jesus]26-maddie , something ’s seriously wrong . Instinct steams forward and has [me]454-jesse scooping [her]238-ava from [her]238-ava feet and running back to [the house]2056-the house , set on calling [an ambulance]384-the hospital , [a doctor]2722-a doctor , or maybe even racing [her]238-ava to [the hospital]384-the hospital [myself]454-jesse . “[454-jesse] [Jesse]454-jesse , stop ! ” Like [she]238-ava could have turned [me]454-jesse off , [my]454-jesse feet slow , and [she]238-ava wriggles from [my]454-jesse arms , taking [her]238-ava hands back to [her]238-ava head and closing [her]238-ava eyes . “[454-jesse] There ’s too many . [She]238-ava balls [her]238-ava fists , obviously frustrated . “[454-jesse] Too many what ? ” “[194-kate] Things . Things happening in [my]0-i head . [My]194-kate heart that was racing only gathers more speed . Memories ? Is [she]238-ava talking about memories ? “[194-kate] Urhhhh ! [she]238-ava yells , and bashes the side of [her]238-ava head , and [I]194-kate move in , seizing [her]238-ava hands and pulling them away . “[194-kate] Stop , [I]194-kate demand , forcing [her]238-ava arms to [her]238-ava sides . “[194-kate] Just stop it ! [She]238-ava looks up at [me]194-kate , squinting , [her]238-ava forehead wrinkled with the effort it ’s taking [her]238-ava to think . “[194-kate] Take [your]1244-i time , [baby]194-kate . [I]194-kate pull [her]238-ava down to the grass and hold [her]238-ava hands , letting [her]238-ava have a moment to straighten out everything in [her]238-ava head . “[194-kate] Just take [your]1244-i time . [I]194-kate ’m trying so hard not to get carried away . Trying desperately not to let [my]194-kate hope run away with [me]194-kate . “[194-kate] Tell [me]0-i what [you]1244-i see . ” “[0-i] [I]0-i do n’t know , it ’s all fuzzy . [Her]238-ava hands crush [mine]194-kate , [her]238-ava eyes wide and wild . “[0-i] It ’s [you]1244-i . ” Oh [my]1244-i God . [My]1244-i head drops back , and [I]1244-i look to the sky , thanking [God]373-god for this breakthrough . “[1244-i] Where am [I]0-i ? [I]0-i drop [my]0-i sights back onto [her]238-ava , gently encouraging , moving in closer on [my]0-i knees . “[0-i] [I]0-i do n’t know , but [you]1244-i ’re mad . Really mad . ” If it was appropriate , [I]238-ava ’d laugh . “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava , there are many times in [our]1246-our history that [I]0-i ’ve been crazy mad . [You]1244-i need to be a bit more specific . ” “[1244-i] [You]1244-i ca n’t move . [My]1244-i forehead becomes heavy with [my]1244-i frown as [I]1244-i rack [my]1244-i brain for something that ’ll clue [me]1244-i in on where [she]238-ava ’s at . [I]1244-i have nothing . “[1244-i] Thirty . ” Looking up at [me]1244-i , [she]238-ava searches [my]1244-i face for anything to suggest [I]1244-i ’m following . [I]1244-i ’m not , and [I]1244-i feel awful that [I]1244-i ca n’t offer any insight . It ’s cryptic . “[1244-i] Thirty , [she]238-ava repeats , now louder , and there ’s a bit of excitement building . And then [she]238-ava ’s quickly standing up , looking down at [me]0-i , virtually shaking with exhilaration . [I]0-i do n’t know why . Thirty means nothing . Not being able to move means nothing . Together , [they]2723-they mean nothing . [I]0-i flinch when [she]238-ava claps [her]238-ava hands , holding them together in front of [her]238-ava delighted face . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m thirty - fucking - seven ! [she]238-ava wails . “[0-i] [You]0-i ca n’t move because [you]0-i ’re handcuffed to the bed ! [You]0-i ’re thirty - fucking - seven ! [Jesus Christ]26-maddie . [I]0-i breathe out , overcome , feeling like the sky is falling and blanketing [me]0-i in pure , unrelenting happiness . It ’s too overwhelming , and [I]0-i plummet to [my]0-i back on the grass , looking up to the heavens in gratitude . “[0-i] [I]0-i remembered something ! [She]238-ava dives on top of [me]0-i , grabbing [my]0-i face and forcing [me]0-i to look at [her]238-ava . “[0-i] Not just words , but [I]0-i saw [you]0-i there ! Going fucking ballistic ! [Her]238-ava lips land on [mine]0-i , kissing [me]0-i hard . Of all the things [she]238-ava remembers , it ’s that . “[0-i] Typical , [I]238-ava mutter , feigning sulkiness when [I]238-ava ’m actually fucking ecstatic . “[238-ava] And watch [your]0-i mouth , [Ava]238-ava . [She]238-ava ’s dropped enough f - bombs in the past two minutes to kill [me]0-i off . “[0-i] [I]0-i will not . [Her]238-ava lips leave [mine]0-i , and [her]238-ava face appears above [me]0-i veiled by [her]238-ava damp locks . The smile on [her]238-ava face is enough to make [a grown man]2724-a grown man weep . “[0-i] Fuck , fuck , fuck , fuck . [You]0-i ’re thirty - fucking - seven ! [I]0-i fucking wish . “[0-i] [I]0-i hate to break it to [you]0-i , [baby]194-kate , but [I]0-i have n’t been thirty - fucking - seven for a long time . ” “[0-i] [I]0-i do n’t care . [She]238-ava blinks , once , twice , and then rapidly , stilling above [me]0-i , [her]238-ava smile falling . “[0-i] [You]0-i were mad . And then [I]0-i ’m mad . Why was [I]0-i mad ? [My]0-i lips press together when [she]745-another woman casts [her]745-another woman eyes back to [mine]0-i . [I]0-i know exactly why [she]745-another woman ’s mad . “[0-i] Maybe because [you]0-i thought [John]60-jacob freed [me]0-i , when it was actually [Sarah]26-maddie . ” “[745-another woman] [Another woman]745-another woman saw [you]0-i naked and handcuffed to the … [She]745-another woman fades off , blinking again . “[745-another woman] Wait , why am [I]0-i handcuffed to the bed ? [Jesus]26-maddie , [she]745-another woman ’s suffering a serious bombardment . [I]745-another woman reach for [her]745-another woman left hand and lift it between [us]2725-us , pointing at [her]745-another woman ring . Reminding [her]745-another woman . “[745-another woman] This , maybe ? [I]0-i already told [her]745-another woman the story of [my]0-i proposal . [She]745-another woman forgot ? “[0-i] [You]0-i ca n’t propose when [I]0-i ’m handcuffed to the bed ! [she]745-another woman sings , thrilled . “[0-i] Wrong , [I]0-i counter , and [she]745-another woman looks at [me]0-i , all care for the fact [Sarah]26-maddie freed [me]0-i gone . [She]745-another woman ’s smiling . “[0-i] [I]0-i could , [I]0-i would , and [I]0-i did . ” “[0-i] [You]0-i ’re a case , [Jesse Ward]454-jesse . ” “[454-jesse] And that ’s just one of the reasons why [you]0-i love [me]0-i . [I]454-jesse refrain from saying loved . “[454-jesse] Tell [me]0-i more . [I]454-jesse roll [us]2726-us a little , taking [her]745-another woman to the grass so [she]745-another woman ’s on [her]745-another woman side facing [me]454-jesse . “[454-jesse] What else is there ? What else do [you]0-i remember ? [I]0-i ’m hungry for more , anything more . [I]0-i can see the effort it takes [her]745-another woman to think , trying to pluck more memories from the black pit that is [her]745-another woman mind , and [I]0-i ’m quick to stop [her]745-another woman , placing a hand over [her]745-another woman hip so [she]745-another woman looks at [me]0-i . [I]0-i do n’t want [her]745-another woman straining . “[0-i] Do n’t force it . More will come . ” “[0-i] [I]0-i want [them]1249-them now . [Her]745-another woman whiny voice and slumped body make [me]0-i smile . [I]0-i ’d love them all now , too , but patience is a virtue and all that bollocks . Which is a joke , coming from [me]0-i . But , for the sake of [Ava]238-ava and [my]0-i sanity , [I]0-i must n’t push [her]745-another woman more than [she]745-another woman ’s already trying to push [herself]745-another woman . If anything , [I]0-i should take comfort in the fact that [she]745-another woman desperately wants to find [me]0-i in that mixed - up head of [hers]745-another woman . “[0-i] Come . [I]0-i get [us]2727-us up and sling an arm around [her]745-another woman shoulders , snuggling [her]745-another woman close . “[0-i] That ’s enough exertion for one day . [Her]745-another woman mind and [her]745-another woman body must be beat . [I]1250-i walk [her]745-another woman back into [the house]2056-the house , following the sound of [my]1250-i ringing phone . [I]1250-i ca n’t disguise [my]1250-i tenseness when [I]1250-i see the number , because [I]1250-i just know who it is . “[1250-i] [You]1250-i okay ? [Ava]238-ava asks , looking up at [me]1250-i with concern . “[1250-i] Just a sales number . [I]1250-i reject the call and block the number . Done . [I]1250-i ca n’t risk [Sarah]26-maddie knocking [Ava]238-ava off [her]26-maddie high . Too much progress has been made today . Great progress . [I]1250-i ’m feeling hopeful , and dirt from [my]1250-i past is n’t going to tarnish it . Chapter 32 [I]1250-i open [my]1250-i eyes the next morning to [Ava]238-ava beaming at [me]1250-i from where [she]238-ava ’s lying on [her]238-ava side , mirroring [me]1250-i . [Her]238-ava hand is on [my]1250-i hip . [Mine]1250-i on [hers]238-ava . “[1250-i] What ’s got [you]1251-you so happy at this time of the morning ? Because [I]0-i ’m yet to put [my]0-i cock inside [you]1251-you . [She]238-ava chuckles , moving in closer until [her]238-ava breath is spreading across the skin of [my]0-i chest . “[0-i] [I]0-i love watching [you]1251-you sleep . [You]1251-you look so angelic . [I]137-angelic smile sleepily and close [my]137-angelic eyes again , wrapping an arm around [her]238-ava naked back and pulling [her]238-ava closer . “[137-angelic] [Angelic]137-angelic ? [You]1251-you mean godly , right ? ” “[1251-you] Right . And [I]0-i ’m happy [I]0-i remembered something . [She]238-ava ’s on a high , so happy with [herself]238-ava , just for remembering that small thing . [I]0-i forbid [myself]0-i to dwell on the fact that [she]238-ava might not be so thrilled when everything else comes back to [her]238-ava , the good , the bad , and the downright fucking hideous . It ’s kind of crazy . On one hand , [I]0-i ’m willing the memories forward , begging [they]2729-they come to [her]238-ava . On the other , [I]0-i ’m dreading it . [Part of [me]0-i]2730-part of me is hoping [they]2729-they continue to drip through , little bit by little bit , giving [her]238-ava a chance to grasp it all , rather than them flooding back and probably sending [her]238-ava head into chaos . “[0-i] Is that [your]1251-you phone ? [I]0-i frown , listening . “[0-i] [I]0-i must have left it [downstairs]256-downstairs . [She]238-ava ’s out of [my]0-i arms speedily , and [I]0-i ’m not too pleased about it . “[0-i] Hey ! ” “[0-i] It might be [the kids]2010-the kids . [Her]238-ava naked back disappears out the door , [her]238-ava urgency hampered by that lingering limp . On a groan , [I]0-i drag [myself]0-i up , not bothering with any boxers , and make [my]0-i way [downstairs]256-downstairs . [I]0-i find [her]238-ava with the phone to [her]238-ava ear . “[0-i] That FaceTime thing is n’t working , [she]238-ava says down the line , [her]238-ava fingers in [her]238-ava hair . [I]0-i grin when [I]0-i look down [her]238-ava naked body , grabbing the coffee down from the cupboard . “[0-i] Put it on loudspeaker , [I]1256-dad demand . “[1256-dad] Hey , [Dad]1256-dad ! [Jacob]60-jacob sings , followed by [Maddie]26-maddie . “[1256-dad] Hey . [I]1256-dad grab the cups down and [Ava]238-ava fetches the milk . “[1256-dad] [You]1256-dad missing [us]1254-us ? ” “[1256-dad] A little . [Maddie]26-maddie sniffs , and [I]26-maddie smile . “[26-maddie] [Nan]26-maddie said [we]1254-us ’re coming [home]201-home on Monday . ” “[26-maddie] That ’s right . [I]26-maddie look at [Ava]238-ava and see [she]26-maddie smiles to [herself]26-maddie . ‘ What have [you]1256-dad two been up to ? ”[26-maddie] Do n’t ask about [the boy]1256-dad . Do n’t ask about [the boy]1256-dad . [I]26-maddie ’ve been shell hunting on [the beach]2634-the beach with [Hugo]32-mum , ”[26-maddie] [Maddie]26-maddie declares , bold as fucking brass , almost proud , because [she]26-maddie knows [she]26-maddie ’s well out of trampling distance . [I]0-i grind [my]0-i teeth and throw a glare at [Ava]238-ava , one that suggests [she]26-maddie should take the reins before [[our]1254-us daughter]2641-our daughter ruins [my]0-i mood . [She]26-maddie takes the phone quickly and walks off , getting [herself]26-maddie away from [my]0-i bristly presence . [Hugo]32-mum . Fucking [Hugo]32-mum . “ That ’s nice , [darling]32-mum . What about [you]32-mum , [Jacob]60-jacob ? Caught any more fish ? ”[32-mum] “ A twelve - pounder today , [Mum]32-mum ! ”[32-mum] [He]32-mum sounds so excited . Why ca n’t [Maddie]26-maddie find something [she]26-maddie ’s passionate about — something other than [boys]2043-boys . [They]2043-boys chat happily for a while as [I]0-i busy [myself]0-i with the coffee , and then [she]26-maddie says [her]26-maddie good - byes , a sad edge to [her]26-maddie voice . [I]0-i look up as [she]26-maddie disconnects and sighs . [She]26-maddie ’s falling into despondency . [I]0-i need to distract [her]26-maddie . “ Hey , eyes up here , [baby]26-maddie . ”[0-i] [They]1259-they instantly flick up and find [me]0-i . [I]1259-they have a surprise for [you]26-maddie . ”[1259-they] “ Oh yeah ? ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie gives a cheeky grin as [she]26-maddie places the phone down and wanders over to [me]0-i , and it fills [my]0-i heart with all kinds of feel - good shit . [You]26-maddie have a one - track mind , [lady]26-maddie . ”[0-i] And [I]0-i ’m so fine with that , but for today [I]0-i have a date planned . Resting [her]26-maddie hand on [my]0-i chest , [she]26-maddie beams up at [me]0-i . “ Is it any wonder ? ”[26-maddie] [Her]26-maddie hands stroke down toward [my]0-i“ Whoa ! ”[26-maddie] [I]0-i laugh , quickly snatching [her]26-maddie hand , stopping it from making it to [my]0-i already growing cock . [I]0-i ’ll be doomed . Shit , where the hell is this resistance coming from ? “ Stop it . ”[0-i] [I]0-i sit [her]26-maddie on a stool , smiling at [her]26-maddie pouting face . [She]26-maddie shrugs . [I]26-maddie ca n’t help it . [I]26-maddie only have to look at [you]26-maddie and — ”[26-maddie] [You]26-maddie ’re wet . [I]0-i know , ”[0-i] [I]0-i finish for [her]26-maddie confidently , and massively smug . [You]26-maddie ’ll get used to it . ”[0-i] [I]0-i flash [her]26-maddie a wicked smile . “ So what ’s [my]0-i surprise if it is n’t that ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i ’m taking [you]26-maddie shopping for a new dress . ”[0-i] “ What for ? ”[0-i] [Drew]53-drew and [Raya]54-raya ’s engagement party on Saturday . ”[26-maddie] [Her]26-maddie eyes light up a little , but very quickly fade . Then [they]1260-they narrow . [I]0-i know what ’s coming . [I]0-i ’m prepared for it . “ Do [I]0-i get to pick the dress ? ”[0-i] “ Nope . ”[0-i] [I]0-i smile , smug , and head to get some more coffee . [I]26-maddie do n’t think so , ”[26-maddie] [she]26-maddie retorts indignantly . [I]26-maddie do . ”[26-maddie] “ No way . ”[0-i] [I]0-i turn and find [her]26-maddie strutting out of [the kitchen]228-the kitchen , [her]26-maddie long hair swaying across [her]26-maddie naked back . [I]26-maddie ’ll find something in [my]26-maddie wardrobe , thank [you]26-maddie very much . ”[26-maddie] “ Think again , [lady]26-maddie , ”[0-i] [I]0-i yell after [her]26-maddie , smiling . And because [I]0-i feel like reinforcing [my]0-i authority around these parts , [I]0-i yell some more . “ End of ! ”[0-i] Chapter 33 [I]0-i ’m watching [her]26-maddie trawling through [[her]26-maddie dressing room]1262-her dressing room rails in search of a dress , anything [she]26-maddie can wear for a posh engagement party at [Café Royal]141-café royal . [She]26-maddie has plenty of options , loads of beautiful gowns and dresses , mostly lace … [she]26-maddie just ca n’t see [them]1263-them . Because [I]0-i hid them while [she]26-maddie was in the shower . “ Found anything ? ”[26-maddie] [I]0-i ask casually as [I]0-i slip on [my]0-i white Ralph polo shirt , flipping the collar up a bit too cockily as [I]0-i inspect [my]0-i fresh face in the mirror . Slowly , [she]26-maddie turns to face [me]0-i , [her]26-maddie eyes raging as [I]0-i spritz [myself]0-i with [her]26-maddie favorite cologne . “ What have [you]26-maddie done with [them]2732-them ? ”[26-maddie] “ What ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i ask past [my]0-i reflection , all innocent . [I]0-i ’m not fooling [her]26-maddie . [She]26-maddie ’s been through [her]26-maddie wardrobes enough since [she]26-maddie was discharged to realize there are piles of things missing . Namely , anything [she]26-maddie could wear for an engagement party . Pointing back to one of [her]26-maddie wardrobes , [her]26-maddie jaw goes all tight . “ All [my]26-maddie dresses are gone . ”[26-maddie] [I]0-i turn and crane [my]0-i neck , feigning interest as [I]0-i look past [her]26-maddie to the sparse wardrobe . “ That ’s a damn shame . Then [we]2733-we ’ll have to go buy [you]2734-you a new one . ”[0-i] [You]2734-you ’re impossible . ”[26-maddie] Nostrils flaring , [she]26-maddie grabs a pair of jeans and yanks them up [her]26-maddie legs before throwing , quite literally , a shoulderless top over [her]26-maddie head . “ How have [I]26-maddie lived like this for so many years ? ”[26-maddie] Baseball bat , meet [my]0-i stomach . [I]0-i very nearly launch into a rant and remind [her]26-maddie that [she]26-maddie loves [me]0-i choosing [her]26-maddie clothes , yet the shred of reason [I]0-i have holds [me]0-i back . Because [I]0-i ’m not dealing with [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie , [per se]1265-per se . [I]0-i ’m dealing with [the woman [I]0-i met who fought [me]0-i at every turn]1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn . Yet [I]0-i was a lot younger then , had more energy . And though [I]0-i felt the stakes were high , [they]1267-they were n’t quite on this level . [My]0-i reason is fraying fast . “ There ’s no fucking need for that , ”[0-i] [I]0-i snap , turning on [my]0-i heels and walking away before [I]0-i lower both [our]1268-our moods further and lose [my]0-i head . [I]0-i just want to buy [you]0-i a new dress . So fucking kill [me]0-i , ”[0-i] [I]0-i growl at thin air as [I]0-i stalk toward [the stairs]244-the stairs . Just a fucking dress . A simple fucking dress . [Jesse]454-jesse , ”[1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn] [she]1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn calls after [me]0-i , appearing across the landing when [I]0-i reach the top of [the stairs]244-the stairs . [I]0-i glower , and [she]1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn sighs . [I]1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn ’d love it if [you]1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn were to buy [me]1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn a dress . ”[1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn] [She]1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn ’s pacifying [me]0-i . Good . [I]0-i need it . “ Any dress [you]1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn choose . ”[1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn] “ Any ? ”[1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn] With no argument from [her]1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn at all ? There must be a catch . “ Any . ”[1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn] [She]1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn pushes the confirmation through [her]1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn tight jaw with a ton of effort . [My]0-i smile is n’t victorious , just genuinely happy . [She]1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn ’s flexing . It ’s a huge step in the right direction , a step closer to the dynamics of [our]1270-our relationship that keep [me]0-i calm . [Your]1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn Punishment Fuck is canceled . ”[0-i] [I]0-i extend [my]0-i hand in offer , and on a small shake of [her]1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn head , [she]1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn comes to [me]0-i . “ See how happy [you]1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn make [me]1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn when [you]1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn comply ? ”[1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn] [Her]1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn quiet laugh as [we]1270-our take the stairs together only increases [my]0-i happiness . “ Why ca n’t [you]1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn just graciously accept [my]1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn gesture and not be such an arrogant , unreasonable twat about it ? ”[1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn] “ Because [me]1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn being [an arrogant , unreasonable twat]2735-an arrogant , unreasonable twat is all part of [our]1270-our normal . ”[1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn] Grabbing [my]0-i keys from the cabinet and handing [Ava]238-ava [her]238-ava bag , [I]0-i walk [us]1270-our to [the car]2161-the car . [I]0-i ’d be a fraud if [I]0-i tried to pass [myself]0-i off as anything less . ”[0-i] [I]0-i open the car door and sweep [my]0-i arm out in a gesture . [[My]238-ava lady]238-ava . ”[238-ava] Resting [her]238-ava forearm on top of the door , [she]238-ava sits [her]238-ava chin on it , eyeing [me]0-i up . “ So basically [our]1270-our normal is [you]238-ava throwing [your]238-ava orders around and [me]238-ava obeying ? ”[238-ava] “ If the shoe fits . ”[238-ava] “ What if it does n’t ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i dip and startle [her]238-ava with a forceful , lingering kiss on [her]238-ava lips . “ Oh , but it does , [lady]238-ava . And [I]238-ava know [you]238-ava feel it deep inside [you]238-ava . Stop fighting it . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava ’ll never stop fighting it . And [I]0-i do n’t want [her]238-ava to . [She]238-ava keeps [me]0-i on [my]0-i toes , as [I]0-i keep [her]238-ava on [hers]238-ava . It might send [me]0-i wild , but every pound of [my]0-i heart when [we]1272-we ’re sparring with words is the sign [I]0-i need to tell [me]0-i that [I]0-i am alive and [she]238-ava is with [me]0-i . * * * [The boutique [I]0-i chose]1273-the boutique i chose is the very one [I]0-i followed [Ava]238-ava to all those years ago , the one where [she]238-ava bought that wretched dress that [I]0-i cut off [her]238-ava body some days later . [My]0-i choice is n’t an accident . [I]0-i ’m hoping it might nudge something for [her]238-ava , anything to give [me]0-i another rush of contentment when [she]238-ava remembers something . [The store]1274-the store is full of endless suitable options . Yet [Ava]238-ava seems to be passing each and every one of [them]1275-them up . [I]238-ava like this one . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava pulls out a micro cream thing , not too dissimilar to the poor excuse of a dress [she]238-ava bought the last time [we]1276-we were [here]2274-here . It was n’t suitable twelve years ago , and it is n’t now , either . And it has nothing to do with [her]238-ava age . [I]0-i do n’t , ”[0-i] [I]0-i counter dismissively , taking it from [her]238-ava hand and hanging it back on the rail . “ What about this one ? ”[0-i] A peach strappy thing is presented to [me]0-i . [I]0-i shake [my]0-i head , and [Ava]238-ava rolls [her]238-ava eyes . “ This one ? ”[238-ava] “ Nope . ”[238-ava] “ This one ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i toss [her]238-ava a dark look , and [she]238-ava flops to a nearby velvet couch in exasperation . “ Surely [I]238-ava have some say in this . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava ’s purposely pulling out dresses that [she]238-ava knows will send [me]0-i batty . Driving [me]0-i crazy is obviously ingrained into [her]238-ava . [You]238-ava love everything [I]0-i choose . ”[0-i] [I]0-i flick through the rails and [home]201-home in on something lace , pulling it out and looking it up and down . It ’s fitted , will showcase [her]238-ava every perfect curve , and it ’ll sit just below the knee . “ Perfect , ”[0-i] [I]0-i declare , handing it to [the assistant]1279-the assistant . [She]238-ava ’ll try this one . ”[0-i] “ Yes , [sir]1279-the assistant . ”[1279-the assistant] [The assistant]1279-the assistant scuttles off to place the dress in [the changing room]1280-the changing room , and [I]0-i smile , all happy with [myself]0-i . Until [I]0-i find [I]0-i ’m being glared at . “ What ? ”[0-i] [You]238-ava did n’t even ask if [I]0-i liked it . ”[0-i] [You]238-ava said [I]0-i could choose . ”[0-i] [I]0-i laugh , pulling [her]238-ava up from the couch . [Her]238-ava resistance is pathetic . “ Yes , but [you]238-ava did n’t even consult [me]238-ava . ”[238-ava] Snatching [her]238-ava hand back , [she]238-ava marches off to [the dressing room]258-the dressing room , pulling a few random dresses from the rails on [her]238-ava way , just to prove a point . [I]0-i inhale some patience and follow on behind . [She]238-ava ’s being defiant for the sake of it . “ Do [you]238-ava like the dress ? ”[238-ava] [I]0-i ask , being quickly flashed by very displeased , puckered lips over [her]238-ava shoulder . But [I]0-i get no answer , making [me]0-i smile . “ Well ? ”[0-i] “ That ’s not the point . ”[238-ava] “ Yes , it ’s the point , [Ava]238-ava . [I]0-i have good taste and [I]0-i know exactly what ’ll look lovely on [[my]0-i wife]238-ava . That dress will look lovely . ”[0-i] [I]0-i point to the others in [her]238-ava hand , the unapproved dresses . Yes , [they]1282-they ’ll look lovely , too , but [I]0-i ’m likely to be arrested for murder if [she]238-ava wears [them]1282-they . “ Those are a no - go . ”[0-i] [I]0-i take them from [her]238-ava hand and toss them aside . Scowling at [me]0-i , [she]238-ava yanks the curtain closed , but no sooner have [I]0-i lost sight of [her]238-ava , [I]0-i have it back again when [she]238-ava whips the curtain back across , [her]238-ava eyes wide , some kind of recognition on [her]238-ava face . [We]1283-we ’ve been here before . ”[238-ava] “ Yes ! ”[238-ava] Both of [our]1283-we gripes are forgotten with the promise of another recollection . [I]0-i move in closer , waiting for [her]238-ava to give [me]0-i more . [Her]238-ava head tilts , and [she]238-ava looks down [the corridor]195-the corridor to [the store]1274-the store . [I]238-ava bought a dress . ”[238-ava] “ Yes . Go on . ”[238-ava] Turning [her]238-ava eyes onto [me]0-i , [she]238-ava brings [her]238-ava hands to [her]238-ava face , the strain from thinking so hard clear . [I]238-ava bought it [here]2274-here ! The dress [you]238-ava cut off [my]238-ava body , [I]238-ava bought it here in [this very shop]2274-here ! ”[238-ava] “ Yes ! ”[0-i] Fuck [me]0-i , it worked ! [Jesse]454-jesse , [I]238-ava remembered something else ! ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava virtually dives at [me]0-i , and [I]0-i catch [her]238-ava , hauling [her]238-ava up [my]0-i body and holding [her]238-ava tightly . “ That dress cost [me]238-ava a bomb . ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava face in [my]0-i neck , [she]238-ava laughs against [my]0-i skin , [her]238-ava arms wrapped so tightly around [my]0-i neck . “ And [you]2737-you wearing it cost [me]0-i a few heart attacks , [lady]238-ava . ”[0-i] [I]0-i ’m smiling through [my]0-i scolding words , absolutely beside [myself]0-i with joy . “ There ’s something else . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava wrestles free of [me]0-i , [her]238-ava front rubbing [mine]0-i as [she]238-ava slides down [my]0-i body , [her]238-ava palms resting on [my]0-i pecs , [her]238-ava eyes darting across the material of [my]0-i Ralph shirt . “ What is it , [baby]194-kate ? Take [your]194-kate time . ”[0-i] [I]0-i walk [us]1286-us across to a chaise and sit [her]238-ava down , holding [her]238-ava hands while [she]238-ava thinks . [I]0-i ’m all hunched over , trying to see [her]238-ava eyes as [they]1287-they jump across [her]238-ava lap . [You]194-kate ’re in [your]194-kate boxers . ”[0-i] [I]0-i shrug . “ Not unusual . ”[0-i] “ But [you]194-kate ’re outside . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava looks at [me]0-i , the corners of [her]238-ava lips tweaking . [You]194-kate ’re chasing [me]238-ava . ”[238-ava] A full - blown smile breaks . [I]238-ava ’m in the dress and [you]194-kate ’re chasing [me]238-ava down [the street]236-the street . ”[238-ava] It was across [a car park]1288-a car park , actually , but whatever . [She]238-ava ’s nearly there . “ And then … ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava smile fades and [she]238-ava frowns . And then [she]238-ava gasps , jumping up from the chaise , looking down at [my]0-i groin . [I]238-ava ’m pinned to the bed ? [You]194-kate ’re … ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava mouth falls open . [You]194-kate pleasured [yourself]194-kate and ejaculated all over [me]0-i ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i ’m so fucking happy , [my]0-i face could split . “ Yes , yes , [I]0-i did that . ”[0-i] Except that was before [she]238-ava escaped in the dress . Not that it matters . It ’s all a little jumbled in [her]238-ava head , but it ’s all still there . There ’s another gasp , except this time it is n’t from [Ava]238-ava . [We]1289-we both look to the side and find [the assistant]1279-the assistant staring at [us]1289-we in horror , before [she]238-ava realizes [we]1289-we ’ve seen [her]238-ava and makes a mad dash for [the shop floor]1291-the shop floor , [her]238-ava cheeks on fire . [I]0-i look at [Ava]238-ava , [my]0-i mouth forming an O. [Ava]238-ava looks at [me]0-i , eyes sparkling happily . And [we]1289-we laugh . [We]1289-we laugh so hard and so loudly , [the shop]1292-the shop must be shaking under the force . [Ava]238-ava falls into [me]0-i , catching [me]0-i by surprise , and takes [us]1289-we crashing to the dressing room floor , where [we]1289-we roll and chuckle like a pair of [silly kids]1293-silly kids , not a care in [the fucking world]1294-the fucking world . [Ava]238-ava ’s not horrified by [her]238-ava newfound knowledge . Just amused , and so pleased [she]238-ava remembered something . [I]0-i ’m fucking delirious with happiness . The sound of [someone]293-someone clearing [their]293-someone throat pulls [us]1289-we from [our]1289-we hysteria , and [I]0-i prop [myself]0-i up on [my]0-i elbows , finding [another lady looming over [us]1289-we]1296-another lady looming over us , this one older than [the assistant]1279-the assistant , [her]1296-another lady looming over us arms crossed over [her]1296-another lady looming over us chest . [I]1296-another lady looming over us ’m [the store owner]1279-the assistant . Can [I]1296-another lady looming over us help ? ”[1296-another lady looming over us] What [she]1296-another lady looming over us means is , can [she]1296-another lady looming over us help with ejecting [us]1289-we from [[her]1296-another lady looming over us lovely boutique]1298-her lovely boutique . [We]1289-we ’ll take all the dresses , ”[0-i] [I]0-i declare , immediately wiping the look of disapproval from [her]1296-another lady looming over us face . [She]1296-another lady looming over us starts falling over [her]1296-another lady looming over us feet to help [us]1289-we , though not up off the floor . [We]1289-we have a lovely pair of heels that complement the cream dress beautifully , [sir]373-god , ”[1296-another lady looming over us] [she]1296-another lady looming over us says , gathering the dresses from the hook , stepping over [our]1289-we splayed bodies on the floor to reach [them]1289-we . [We]1289-we ’ll take them . ”[1296-another lady looming over us] [She]1296-another lady looming over us ’s delighted . “ And a stunning purse to match . ”[1296-another lady looming over us] “ Pack it up . ”[1296-another lady looming over us] “ And would [madam]1296-another lady looming over us require any accessories ? ”[1296-another lady looming over us] [she]1296-another lady looming over us asks , beaming at [Ava]238-ava . [I]0-i push [myself]0-i off the floor and retrieve [[my]0-i tittering wife]373-god , holding [her]373-god up while [she]373-god continues to chuckle . [I]0-i haul [her]373-god close and smother [her]373-god with wet kisses for a few moments before pulling back and giving [her]373-god a soft smile . “ The only accessory [[my]373-god wife]373-god needs is [me]373-god . ”[373-god] “ Yes , [sir]373-god . ”[1300-the owner] [The owner]1300-the owner disappears with [our]1301-our purchases , and [Ava]238-ava turns to mush in [my]0-i arms , reaching up to kiss [my]0-i cheek . [You]1302-the young assistant ’re so romantic when [you]1302-the young assistant want to be . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i ’m always romantic , ”[0-i] [I]0-i counter , leading [her]373-god out to the front desk . “ In [my]1302-the young assistant own way . ”[1302-the young assistant] [The young assistant]1302-the young assistant ’s cheeks are still flaming red , the poor thing unable to look at [us]1301-our . And then [she]373-god does , and [I]0-i flip [her]373-god a cheeky wink . [She]373-god disintegrates on the spot , shoving the card machine toward [me]0-i as [I]0-i chuckle . [I]0-i see to payment and take the bag once the dresses have been precisely wrapped in tissue paper . [I]238-ava have n’t tried any of the dresses on , ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava points out , letting [me]0-i guide [her]238-ava out of [the store]1274-the store . [I]238-ava know this body like the back of [my]238-ava hand . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i squeeze [her]238-ava hip , and [she]238-ava jolts on a little yelp . [They]2741-they ’ll fit , trust [me]238-ava . ”[238-ava] Eyeing the bag , [she]238-ava bites [her]238-ava lip thoughtfully . “ All of [them]2741-they ? ”[238-ava] [I]0-i know what [she]238-ava ’s getting at . The lace number [I]0-i choose is n’t the only dress [I]0-i just paid for . [I]0-i ’m only showing some leniency because [I]0-i ’m fucking thrilled that [you]0-i ’ve remembered something else . Consider [yourself]0-i lucky . ”[0-i] [I]238-ava do feel lucky . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava ’s behind [me]0-i in a second , climbing onto [my]0-i back , [her]238-ava face squished to [mine]0-i . “ Thank [you]0-i for the dresses . ”[238-ava] “ Thank [you]0-i for letting [me]0-i spoil [you]0-i . ”[0-i] [I]0-i leave [the store]1274-the store and walk down [the road]2159-the road with [Ava]238-ava clinging to [my]0-i back , [my]0-i heart swelling in [my]0-i chest . Some of this [she]238-ava might be finding hard to wrap [her]238-ava confused mind around , but [she]238-ava ’s taking quite well to [our]1306-our normal . It ’s more progress . More light in [our]1306-our darkness . Chapter 34 [Ava]238-ava When [Jesse]454-jesse insisted on taking [me]0-i to yoga today , [I]0-i did n’t argue . [I]0-i could tell [he]454-jesse was stunned . But [I]0-i have a motive . Taking the keys from [his]454-jesse hand , [I]0-i open [the car]2161-the car . [I]454-jesse ’ll drive . ”[454-jesse] [He]454-jesse snorts , obviously finding [my]0-i declaration amusing . “ Absolutely not . ”[454-jesse] Reclaiming the keys , [he]454-jesse directs [me]0-i around to the passenger seat . “ Why not ? ”[454-jesse] [My]0-i resistance does n’t even dent [his]454-jesse fortitude . [You]454-jesse ’re never getting behind a wheel again . ”[454-jesse] Ever ? Not ever again ? “ What ? Why ? ”[454-jesse] “ Because [you]454-jesse do n’t need to . ”[454-jesse] [He]454-jesse jingles the keys under [my]0-i nose as [he]454-jesse pushes [me]0-i down into the seat and then buckles [me]0-i up . “ And [I]454-jesse ’m looking into getting [you]454-jesse [a driver]927-the driver . ”[454-jesse] [He]454-jesse plants a chaste kiss on [my]0-i cheek and quickly shuts the door before [I]0-i can protest . And when [he]454-jesse lands in [the driver]927-the driver ’s seat , [he]454-jesse keeps [his]454-jesse attention forward , ignoring the glare [I]0-i ’m shooting at [him]454-jesse . There will be no argument over this . [I]0-i will be driving again . Flicking some music on , an obvious ploy to kill the silence , [he]454-jesse races off down [the street]236-the street with “ Sweater Weather ”[454-jesse] blaring , tapping the wheel in time to the music . Until there is no music . [He]454-jesse peeks out the corner of [his]454-jesse eye as [I]0-i turn in [my]0-i seat , [my]0-i face twisted with disdain . “ Are [you]2742-you telling [me]0-i [you]2742-you ’re never going to let [me]0-i drive again ? ”[0-i] “ Yep . ”[454-jesse] [He]454-jesse flicks the music back on and [I]0-i quickly turn it back off . Is [he]454-jesse mad ? “ No way , [Jesse]454-jesse . [You]454-jesse ca n’t stop [me]454-jesse . ”[454-jesse] [He]454-jesse half coughs , half laughs . “ Watch [me]454-jesse . ”[454-jesse] [He]454-jesse presses a button on the steering wheel and fills [the car]2161-the car with [The Neighbourhood]1311-the neighbourhood again . “ Watch [me]0-i , ”[0-i] [I]0-i counter over the music , throwing [myself]0-i back in the seat . “ If [you]2742-you wo n’t let [me]0-i drive anywhere , then [I]0-i ’ll make [my]0-i own way around , starting today . [I]0-i ’ll get [the Tube]2743-the tube [home]201-home . [You]2742-you ’re being unreasonable . It was an accident . A one - in - a - million chance . [You]2742-you ’re being stupid . ”[0-i] “ Stupid ? ”[454-jesse] [he]454-jesse coughs . “ Well , that one - in - a - million chance was [[my]454-jesse wife]26-maddie , so forgive [me]454-jesse if [my]454-jesse protective instinct has taken on new heights . ”[454-jesse] [He]454-jesse slams the button on [his]454-jesse steering wheel and shuts the music off , then pulls [the car]2161-the car over to the side of [the road]2159-the road , prickling from top to toe . So unreasonable . [He]454-jesse reaches for [my]0-i slighted face and turns it toward [him]454-jesse . [My]0-i eyes are thin slits of pissed off . [His]454-jesse are narrower . “ Listen to [me]454-jesse , [lady]26-maddie , ”[454-jesse] [he]454-jesse orders , nostrils flaring and all . “ It is [my]454-jesse job to protect [you]26-maddie . There ’s nothing irrational about wanting to keep [you]26-maddie safe , [Ava]238-ava . ”[454-jesse] [His]454-jesse voice has softened to a mere whisper , [his]454-jesse eyes clouding , and [I]0-i know it ’s because [he]454-jesse ’s thinking about what could have been . “ Every fear [I]454-jesse ’ve ever had nearly became a reality . [I]454-jesse nearly lost [you]26-maddie . So do n’t [you]26-maddie tell [me]454-jesse that [I]454-jesse ’m being unreasonable or irrational or stupid , do [you]26-maddie hear [me]454-jesse ? [You]26-maddie have to let [me]454-jesse do [my]454-jesse thing or [I]454-jesse ’ll go crazy mad . ”[454-jesse] “ And [I]0-i ’ll go crazy mad if [you]26-maddie suffocate [me]0-i . [I]0-i need some space , [Jesse]454-jesse . If [you]26-maddie want [me]0-i to fall in love with [you]26-maddie again , [you]26-maddie need to let [me]0-i do that without stifling [me]0-i . ”[0-i] [I]0-i hate the hurt in [his]1314-his green eyes . Hate it . [His]1314-his handsome face is splashed with agony , and [he]1314-his swallows , anger mixed up in [his]1314-his expression , too . [You]26-maddie can get [the Tube]2743-the tube . ”[1314-his] [I]0-i can get the Tube ? Like [I]0-i need permission ? Fucking hell , [he]1314-his really is crazy mad . But [I]0-i still nod , despite being staggered on the inside . “ Good . ”[0-i] [I]0-i sit back and stare out the window as [Jesse]454-jesse gets [us]1315-us going again . And [I]0-i wonder … How did [I]0-i fall in love with such craziness ? [I]0-i do n’t know . But it ’s happening again , and [I]0-i could n’t stop it if [I]0-i tried . * * * The usual peace blankets [me]0-i when [I]0-i arrive at [Elsie]32-mum ’s . [Zara]116-zara is already waiting in [the studio]939-the studio , sitting on [her]32-mum mat . [She]32-mum looks like a pro , all geared up in what [I]0-i expect is [designer yoga gear]1317-designer yoga gear . [I]0-i ’m feeling a bit frumpy , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say , rolling out [my]0-i mat next to [her]32-mum . [She]32-mum laughs , soft and low . [You]32-mum look anything but frumpy , [Ava]238-ava . ”[32-mum] [She]32-mum rolls [her]32-mum eyes . [I]32-mum was just passing through [the shopping mall]2747-the shopping mall and [they]2748-they had a huge sale . Oh ! ”[32-mum] [She]32-mum jumps up and scrounges through [her]32-mum bag . [I]32-mum got [you]32-mum one , too . ”[32-mum] [She]32-mum flaps out a black top . [You]32-mum look about the same size as [me]32-mum . ”[32-mum] [Zara]116-zara , [you]32-mum should n’t have , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say , taking the shirt from [her]32-mum hand and kissing [her]32-mum cheek . “ Give over , ”[32-mum] [she]32-mum brushes it off . “ It was [a fiver in the bargain bin]2749-a fiver in the bargain bin . ”[32-mum] [I]32-mum love it . ”[32-mum] Something comes to [me]0-i . “ Hey , [we]2750-we should go shopping sometime . ”[0-i] [I]0-i will pick [my]0-i own clothes . [My]0-i recent shopping adventure might have turned out wonderfully , but that was only because [my]0-i brain decided to let [me]0-i remember something . [I]0-i realize it could have been very different . [Her]32-mum eyes sparkle . “ Oh [my]32-mum God , yes . ”[32-mum] “ Come on , chatterboxes . ”[32-mum] [Elsie]32-mum floats across [the room]202-the room , giving [us]1319-our a playful , disapproving look . “ It does n’t sound very peaceful in here today . ”[0-i] [I]0-i give [Zara]116-zara an oopsie look , and [we]1319-our both settle on [our]1319-our mats and close [our]1319-our eyes . Peace . It ’s quickly found again , and [I]0-i let it roll over [me]0-i . Toward the end of the session , [I]0-i ’m flat on [my]0-i back , sprawled out , [my]0-i body weightless . [I]0-i ’m completely zoned out , so calm , so when images start to flicker through [my]0-i mind , [I]0-i do n’t jerk with shock or panic . Instead , [I]0-i remain still , absorbing the distorted , blurry visions as if [I]0-i ’m watching [them]1320-them from an old - fashioned projector . Visions of [Jesse]454-jesse , and for the first time , of [Maddie]26-maddie and [Jacob]60-jacob . [I]0-i feel [my]0-i eyes squeezing , trying to hold on to the picture of [them]1320-them lying on [Jesse]454-jesse ’s chest , tiny little bundles , [[their]1320-them daddy]1321-their daddy ’s face buried between [their]1320-them heads . [I]0-i feel a tear trickle down the side of [my]0-i face , swishing around in [my]0-i ear . And then the images are gone . But [they]1320-them ’re not gone . [They]1320-them will never be gone . [Ava]238-ava ? ”[1320-them] A gentle touch rests on [my]0-i shoulder , and [I]0-i blink [my]0-i eyes open , finding [Zara]116-zara suspended above [me]0-i . It takes [me]0-i a while to grasp [my]0-i bearings , and [I]0-i see [Elsie]32-mum leaving [the room]202-the room . [I]0-i think [I]0-i fell asleep . ”[0-i] [My]0-i voice is thick , and [I]0-i ’m unsure if it ’s with emotion or sleepiness . [Zara]116-zara smiles , [her]32-mum friendly face so happy . [You]32-mum ’re right . [Elsie]32-mum is amazing ! ”[32-mum] [She]32-mum rises to [her]32-mum feet , pouting , now looking disappointed . [I]32-mum was hoping [we]2751-we could do coffee , but [I]32-mum just picked up an e - mail from work . Some silly problem with a project [I]32-mum have to get sorted . ”[32-mum] “ That ’s fine . [I]0-i ca n’t do coffee today , anyway . ”[0-i] [I]0-i ca n’t ? Why ca n’t [I]0-i ? [I]0-i can , and [I]0-i should , though today [I]0-i ’ll be doing it on [my]0-i own . [I]0-i can go for a coffee on [my]0-i own , no problem . [I]0-i should do something on [my]0-i own . “ No ? ”[0-i] [[My]0-i husband]454-jesse … ”[0-i] [I]0-i stop [myself]0-i from saying something that would give entirely the wrong impression . [We]2751-we ’ve had a rough time lately . [He]454-jesse ’s a bit protective . [He]454-jesse worries about [me]0-i . ”[0-i] [I]0-i shrug . “ Oh no . ”[0-i] [She]0-i pouts . [I]0-i ’ll call [you]0-i . [We]2751-we ’ll make those plans , and [you]0-i can tell [me]0-i all about it . ”[0-i] [I]0-i smile , though [I]0-i ’m not too enthusiastic about [her]0-i suggestion . The thing [I]0-i love most about coffee with [Zara]116-zara is the fact that [I]0-i do n’t have to talk about [my]0-i woes , because [she]0-i does n’t know of [them]1323-them . “ That would be good . ”[0-i] “ Thanks so much for letting [me]0-i hijack [your]2753-your session , [Ava]238-ava . It means so much . ”[0-i] [She]0-i kisses [my]0-i cheek and breezes away , leaving [me]0-i in [the room]202-the room alone . Maybe it ’s silly , but [I]0-i close [my]0-i eyes again , hoping the memories will come back to [me]0-i . But after a good five minutes , [I]0-i give up , telling [myself]0-i to be happy with what [I]0-i got . [I]0-i leave [Elsie]32-mum with a grateful kiss and head outside , set to go and process the session on [my]0-i own with a coffee , but when [I]0-i make it into the fresh air , [I]0-i find [Jesse]454-jesse waiting . [He]454-jesse ’s pouting at [me]0-i from where [he]454-jesse ’s standing by [the car]2161-the car , [his]454-jesse puppy - dog eyes pleading with [me]0-i not to be mad at [him]454-jesse . [I]0-i stop in [my]0-i tracks and cock [my]0-i head , pursing [my]0-i lips in fake disapproval . [I]454-jesse love [you]454-jesse . ”[454-jesse] [He]454-jesse gives [me]0-i a stupid goofy grin , like those three simple words are the answer for everything . Truth be told , [they]1326-they are . [I]0-i ca n’t possibly be mad with the big softy . [I]0-i ’m too elated by the effect the past hour with [Elsie]32-mum has had and the fact that something came to [me]0-i . So instead of ripping a strip off [him]454-jesse , [I]0-i step into [his]454-jesse big body and hug [him]454-jesse fiercely . [I]0-i can tell [he]454-jesse ’s shocked at [my]0-i easy acquiescence because it takes [him]454-jesse a couple of seconds to return [my]0-i cuddle . “ Where the hell is [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i smile and pull back , beaming up at [him]454-jesse . [I]0-i saw [you]26-maddie ! ”[0-i] [I]0-i have to stop [myself]0-i from springing around [the street]236-the street like a jack - in - the - box . [I]0-i was so spaced out , and [I]0-i saw [you]26-maddie in [my]0-i mind . It was so clear . [I]0-i saw [you]26-maddie holding [the twins]2012-the twins when [they]2012-the twins were born . ”[0-i] “ Really ? ”[454-jesse] [His]454-jesse face is ablaze with happiness as [he]454-jesse picks [me]0-i up and swings [me]0-i around in the middle of [the street]236-the street . [I]0-i laugh , not feeling in the least bit dizzy . Because [my]0-i eyes are on [his]454-jesse . Chapter 35 It ’s Saturday , the day of [Raya]54-raya and [Drew]53-drew ’s engagement party . As [I]0-i swish the bubbles in the tub , [I]0-i run over [my]0-i plan again , from beginning to end . Every bit involves spoiling [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie rotten . Lavishing [her]26-maddie with affection and attention . Making [her]26-maddie feel like [the queen]1329-the queen [she]26-maddie is to [me]0-i . When the tub is at the perfect level of water and bubbles , [I]0-i flip off the tap and strip down to nothing . Then [I]0-i wander quietly into [the bedroom]302-the bedroom , watching [her]26-maddie nap peacefully atop [the bedcovers]1331-the bedcovers as [I]0-i approach . It pains [me]0-i to wake [her]26-maddie , but [I]0-i need to kick [my]0-i plan into action or [we]1332-we ’ll be late for [Drew]53-drew and [Raya]54-raya ’s party . Kneeling by the bed , [I]0-i take the single calla lily from the vase on the night table and rest [my]0-i lips on [hers]26-maddie . [She]26-maddie stretches and moans , reaching for [my]0-i naked shoulders . [Her]26-maddie touch creates instant flames on [my]0-i skin . Opening [her]26-maddie eyes sleepily , [she]26-maddie smiles at the flower and takes it , smelling it lazily before resting it on the bed next to [her]26-maddie . “ Time for a bath , [baby]194-kate , ”[26-maddie] [I]0-i whisper , sliding [my]0-i arms under [her]26-maddie and lifting [her]26-maddie from the bed . [She]26-maddie snuggles into [me]0-i as [I]0-i carry [her]26-maddie to the tub , sleepy and warm in [my]0-i arms . [She]26-maddie feels lighter , and as [I]0-i think back over the time since [I]0-i brought [her]26-maddie [home]201-home from [hospital]1334-hospital , [she]26-maddie has n’t once finished a meal . In fact , [she]26-maddie ’s mostly just pushed the food around [her]26-maddie plate . Damn , [we]1335-we need to fix that . [I]0-i should have been more forceful . [I]0-i set [her]26-maddie on [her]26-maddie feet and start stripping [her]26-maddie down , being slow enough to give [her]26-maddie time to fully wake before [I]0-i lower [her]26-maddie into the bath . [My]0-i eyes are scanning every inch of [her]26-maddie flesh that ’s revealed , searching for signs of protruding bones . There . Right there . [I]0-i reach forward and brush [my]0-i palm across [her]26-maddie hip , frowning . “ What ’s wrong ? ”[0-i] [You]26-maddie ’ve lost too much weight . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie ’s still beautiful , the most beautiful thing [I]0-i ’ve ever set eyes on , but [she]26-maddie ’s definitely thinner . How could [I]0-i have let this happen ? [I]0-i need to feed [you]26-maddie . ”[0-i] [I]0-i break away and find [her]26-maddie robe , opening it up for [her]26-maddie to slip [her]26-maddie arms in . [She]26-maddie ignores the material hanging from [my]0-i hands and gives [me]0-i [her]26-maddie eyes . “ But [I]26-maddie ’m not hungry . ”[26-maddie] [I]0-i do n’t care . [You]26-maddie need to eat . ”[0-i] [I]0-i drape the robe over [her]26-maddie shoulders , but [she]26-maddie pulls away , giving [me]0-i a warning look . “ Stop it . ”[26-maddie] “ Stop what ? ”[26-maddie] “ Worrying . If [I]26-maddie ’m hungry , [I]26-maddie ’ll eat . ”[26-maddie] Taking the robe from [my]0-i hand , [she]26-maddie tosses it aside , never taking [her]26-maddie firm stare from [my]0-i affronted one . “ Do n’t curl [your]26-maddie lip at [me]26-maddie , [Jesse Ward]454-jesse . ”[26-maddie] A finger comes up and points at [my]0-i mouth , and [I]0-i recoil , trying to get [my]0-i wayward lip under control . [I]0-i ca n’t . Seizing [her]26-maddie hand , [I]0-i wrestle it back down , replacing it with [my]0-i finger pointed at [her]26-maddie . [She]26-maddie is n’t winning this one . No way . [You]1336-you ’re eating , end of . ”[26-maddie] [I]0-i swoop in and claim [her]26-maddie , to hell with the robe . [She]26-maddie ’ll eat naked . [You]1336-you wo n’t hear [me]0-i complaining . [Jesse]454-jesse ! ”[1336-you] [Her]26-maddie naked flesh rubbing all over [my]0-i naked flesh does nothing to help [me]0-i keep [my]0-i focus . Food is [my]0-i focus . Lots of food . Though [my]0-i dick does n’t agree , clearly hungry itself . [My]0-i scowl is now pointing to [my]0-i groin , demanding it behave , as [I]0-i hoof [Ava]238-ava out of [the bathroom]294-the bathroom . “ Put [me]138-fingernails down ! ”[138-fingernails] [Fingernails]138-fingernails find [my]0-i arse and sink in . [You]238-ava fucking savage ! ”[138-fingernails] [I]0-i half yelp , half yell , hearing [her]26-maddie giggling , [her]26-maddie claws going to [town]295-town , digging further in . [Ava]238-ava ! ”[0-i] [I]0-i ’m forced to release [her]26-maddie and rub away the soreness , while [she]26-maddie titters before [me]0-i , flicking [her]26-maddie hair over [her]26-maddie shoulder . [I]26-maddie ’m not hungry , ”[26-maddie] [she]26-maddie affirms , passing [me]0-i , heading back to [the bathroom]294-the bathroom . [Ava]238-ava ! ”[26-maddie] “ Fuck [you]238-ava , [Jesse]454-jesse . [I]0-i ’m not damn well hungry . ”[0-i] [My]0-i rubbing hands stop , [my]0-i dick now totally limp . Stalking after [her]26-maddie , fuming mad by [her]26-maddie disregard for [her]26-maddie health , as well as [her]26-maddie vulgar mouth , [I]0-i charge into [the bathroom]294-the bathroom to find [Ava]238-ava has one foot in the bath , [her]238-ava eyes on [me]0-i at the door . [My]0-i scowl deepens . [Her]238-ava smirk widens . It ’s adorable and infuriating all at once . “ Watch [your]238-ava fucking mouth . ”[238-ava] That smirk gets even wider , and [my]0-i fury is diluted some more by the sight . “ Fuck [you]238-ava , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava whispers . [She]238-ava ’s playing the game , testing [me]0-i . [Silly girl]238-ava . “ Three … ”[238-ava] It just comes right on out , [my]0-i smirk now matching [hers]238-ava . “ Fuck . ”[238-ava] Another whisper . [I]0-i take one step forward , now too thrilled by [her]238-ava playfulness to let [her]238-ava language bother [me]0-i all that much . “ Two … ”[238-ava] Taking [her]238-ava foot from the water , [she]238-ava folds [her]238-ava arms across [her]238-ava chest , wedging [her]238-ava boobs up high , creating a cleavage that serves as a magnet . [My]0-i eyes fall , [my]0-i mouth suddenly watering , [my]0-i cock hardening . “ Next ? ”[0-i] “ One , ”[0-i] [I]0-i answer , [my]0-i stare still firmly on [her]238-ava chest . “ And next ? ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava unfolds [her]238-ava arms and cups [her]238-ava boobs . [I]0-i hitch an eyebrow , looking up to [her]238-ava face through [my]0-i lashes . [My]0-i smile , the one reserved only for [[my]0-i girl]238-ava , spreads across [my]0-i face , and [she]238-ava delights in it , eyes beaming at [me]0-i . Fucking hell , [I]0-i love [this woman]238-ava so much . [She]238-ava has the ability to distract [me]0-i , with only a simple smile . Now [I]0-i just want to eat [her]238-ava up [myself]0-i . [She]238-ava reigns supreme . [She]238-ava is [my]0-i world . [My]0-i life . [My]0-i day , [my]0-i night , [my]0-i air , water , and fire . Fuck , what would [I]0-i ever do without [her]238-ava ? [I]0-i ’d die of a broken heart , [I]0-i just know it . Turn to dust . Fade to nothing . [My]0-i damn heart slows just thinking about it , and in a moment of brief panic , the feelings very real , [I]0-i move forward , stealing a kiss , if only to reassure [myself]0-i that [I]0-i still have [her]238-ava . And [I]0-i keep [my]0-i eyes open , too , as does [she]238-ava , staring deeply into [mine]0-i . It ’s a peaceful kiss . A lazy , soft , searching kiss . It ’s the coming together of [two people who are on the same page]1339-two people who are on the same page , and then [she]238-ava speaks and confirms [we]1340-our really are . [I]238-ava ’m here , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava assures [me]0-i , and [I]0-i welcome the cuddle [she]238-ava takes [me]0-i in , maintaining this all - consuming kiss . “ Let [me]0-i take care of [you]0-i , ”[0-i] [I]0-i beg , slowing down [our]1340-our pace until [our]1340-our lips are simply touching , the heat still raging . “ Let [me]0-i spoil [you]0-i and love [you]0-i with all the power [I]0-i have . ”[0-i] “ But [I]238-ava ’m not hungry . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava sighs , feeling across [my]0-i back as [I]0-i pout at [her]238-ava , showing [my]0-i true disappointment . “ Not for food anyway . And when [I]238-ava am , [I]238-ava ’ll eat , [I]238-ava promise . ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava — ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava finger lands on [my]0-i lips , hushing [me]0-i . “ But [I]238-ava ’m constantly hungry for [you]238-ava . For [your]238-ava voice , [your]238-ava words , [your]238-ava need to take care of [me]238-ava . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava smiles a little , almost shyly . [I]0-i keep [my]0-i mouth firmly shut , desperate for more of this . [Her]238-ava hunger . [I]238-ava know exactly why [I]238-ava fell in love with [you]238-ava , even if [I]238-ava do n’t remember doing it . Because it ’s happening all over again . ”[238-ava] There ’s a wobble in [her]238-ava voice , and [I]0-i ’m certain there would be in [mine]0-i if [I]0-i were to speak . [She]238-ava ’s falling in love with [me]0-i . [I]0-i gulp down the relieved emotion crawling up [my]0-i throat . [You]238-ava are [the most passionate man [I]26-maddie ’ve ever met]238-ava , and [you]238-ava keep it all for [me]26-maddie and [the children]2217-the children . [I]26-maddie can see that . Everything [you]238-ava do , [you]238-ava do it with such intensity . Whether [you]238-ava ’re mad . Or if [you]238-ava ’re playing . Or making love to [me]26-maddie . Or simply loving [me]26-maddie . It ’s all so passionate , and [I]26-maddie love it . [I]26-maddie love that [the children]2217-the children and [I]26-maddie are the center of [[your]238-ava world]2758-your world . That [you]238-ava love [us]2759-us with a power that ’s sometimes a little overwhelming . What woman would n’t want to be loved with that much intensity ? ”[26-maddie] [Her]26-maddie palms land on [my]0-i cheeks , [her]26-maddie thumb catching a single teardrop as it tumbles . [I]0-i feel suffocated by [my]0-i happiness , because for the first time , [I]0-i see true hope past the possibility of [her]26-maddie never finding [her]26-maddie memory . [She]26-maddie can fall in love with [me]0-i again . [Our]1342-our love flourished because it was supposed to . Because [we]1342-our were meant to find each other . That has n’t changed . [You]238-ava are the man of [my]26-maddie dreams , [Jesse Ward]454-jesse . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie kisses the very edge of [my]0-i mouth . “ And [I]26-maddie imagine [you]238-ava ’re [the man of many other women ’s dreams]2760-the man of many other women ’s dreams , too . ”[26-maddie] “ Well [they]2761-they ca n’t have [me]0-i , ”[0-i] [I]0-i vow , as if that would ever be a worry for [Ava]238-ava . [I]26-maddie belong to [you]238-ava , as much as [you]238-ava belong to [me]26-maddie . That ’s just how it is . ”[26-maddie] [Her]26-maddie teeth sink into [my]0-i bristly cheek , [her]26-maddie arms locked around [my]0-i neck . “ Now that [we]2762-we ’ve cleared that up , are [you]238-ava going to spoil [me]26-maddie like [you]238-ava promised ? ”[26-maddie] “ Yes , ”[0-i] [I]0-i affirm , pulling back . “ Right after [you]238-ava ’ve had a relaxing soak . ”[0-i] [I]0-i carry [her]26-maddie to the bath and place [her]26-maddie gently down , kissing [her]26-maddie forehead , and then leave [her]26-maddie to get [herself]26-maddie ready . [I]0-i ca n’t bathe with [her]26-maddie . [We]1343-we ’ll never make it to the party . “ Wear the lace dress and meet [me]1343-we in [the hallway]701-the hallway at seven thirty . ”[1343-we] [I]0-i shut the door behind [me]0-i , satisfied , because [I]0-i just know [she]26-maddie wo n’t disappoint [me]0-i . Chapter 36 [My]0-i frame of mind is positive . [My]0-i heart is hopeful . [My]0-i trimmed stubble just the right length , [my]0-i face fresh . [My]0-i charcoal three - piece suit fits like a dream , and [my]0-i body in it looks fine . [She]26-maddie wo n’t be disappointed , either . As [I]0-i wait for [her]26-maddie in [the hallway]701-the hallway , refixing [my]0-i hair in the mirror , [I]0-i hear the bedroom door close . [I]0-i move to the bottom step , sliding [my]0-i hands into [my]0-i trouser pockets . [I]0-i ca n’t see [her]26-maddie . [Ava]238-ava ? ”[0-i] [I]26-maddie do n’t think [you]238-ava ’ll approve . ”[26-maddie] [I]0-i hear [her]26-maddie , but [I]0-i still do n’t see [her]26-maddie . And now [I]0-i ’m worried . Has [she]26-maddie defied [my]0-i request for the lace dress ? “ Let [me]26-maddie see [you]238-ava , ”[26-maddie] [I]0-i order , containing the annoyance threatening to break in [my]0-i tone . Tonight has to be perfect . [Ava]238-ava not wearing the dress [I]0-i requested wo n’t get it off to a good start . [You]238-ava sure ? ”[26-maddie] [she]26-maddie calls . [She]26-maddie sounds nervous . “ Get [your]238-ava arse in [my]26-maddie sights now , [lady]26-maddie . ”[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie appears , cautiously . And [I]0-i ’m utterly blown away . [Jesus]26-maddie . ”[0-i] [I]0-i exhale [my]0-i wonder , [my]0-i eyes following [her]26-maddie around the gallery landing to the top of the steps . If there ’s an example of perfection , then [I]0-i ’m looking at it . The dress . [Shit]139-shit , the dress . Lace , everywhere , and the subtle cream tone brings memories of [her]26-maddie stunning wedding gown gushing back . The hem just below the knee is perfect , the material clinging lightly to every wonderful curve [she]26-maddie has . [I]0-i ignore the fact that those curves have reduced somewhat in recent weeks , and move up to [her]26-maddie face . Pink on [her]26-maddie lips is the only subtle pop of color . It ’s all this dress needs . The Bardot neckline reveals the smooth lengths of [her]26-maddie collarbones , [her]26-maddie hair fixed in a sleek knot at the nape of [her]26-maddie neck . Understated elegance . [[My]0-i wife]194-kate has always had it , and it never fails to render [me]0-i thunderstruck . [Her]194-kate smoky eyes are taking [me]0-i in , up and down , [her]194-kate teeth latched onto [her]194-kate bottom lip . “ Do [you]194-kate like what [you]194-kate see ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i ask , sure of the answer . Every inch of [her]194-kate is glowing with appreciation , in [her]194-kate eyes the most . [You]194-kate ’re [the most handsome man [I]194-kate ’ve ever laid eyes on]194-kate . ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate swallows and looks up at [me]0-i . “ Do [I]194-kate look okay ? ”[194-kate] “ Okay ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i counter , taking the stairs up to [her]194-kate , drinking [her]194-kate in . [You]194-kate are beauty personified , [lady]194-kate . And [you]194-kate ’re [mine]0-i . ”[0-i] [I]0-i reach [her]194-kate and take [her]194-kate hand , kissing [her]194-kate wedding ring . [I]0-i peek up at [her]194-kate . “ Who do [you]194-kate belong to ? ”[0-i] [You]194-kate . ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate does n’t stall , does n’t protest , as [she]194-kate smiles down at [me]0-i . “ Always . ”[194-kate] “ Come . ”[0-i] [I]0-i lead [her]194-kate down [the stairs]244-the stairs slowly , never taking [my]0-i eyes from [her]194-kate profile as [she]194-kate watches [her]194-kate feet . [I]194-kate have something for [you]194-kate . ”[194-kate] [I]0-i stop at the bottom of [the stairs]244-the stairs and reach into [my]0-i pocket , circling [her]194-kate slowly . [My]0-i hand on [her]194-kate hip makes [her]194-kate spine lengthen , and [she]194-kate looks over [her]194-kate shoulder at [me]0-i . “ What do [you]194-kate have ? ”[194-kate] “ This . ”[194-kate] [I]0-i take the diamond necklace over [her]194-kate head and let it settle on [her]194-kate skin . [She]194-kate looks down , [her]194-kate hand reaching up to feel the stones as [I]0-i secure it . [You]194-kate only wear it on special occasions . ”[194-kate] “ Oh [my]194-kate God , ”[194-kate] [she]194-kate whispers , moving away from [me]0-i toward the mirror . Staring at [her]194-kate reflection , [she]194-kate fingers the precious jewelry , lost in thought . Does [she]194-kate recognize it ? “ It ’s beautiful . ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate looks past [her]194-kate reflection to [me]0-i . “ Thank [you]194-kate . ”[194-kate] [I]0-i smile , unable to be disappointed by [her]194-kate lack of memory . “ It ’s been [yours]194-kate for twelve years , [baby]194-kate . ”[0-i] [I]0-i move in behind [her]194-kate and circle [her]194-kate waist with [my]0-i arms , bending to get [my]0-i chin on [her]194-kate shoulder . [Our]1347-us eyes lock in the mirror . “ It ’s beautiful , yes , but it is n’t a patch on [the woman wearing it]194-kate . ”[1347-us] [The woman wearing it shines brighter]194-kate . Is more precious . More valuable to [me]0-i than anything in [this world]198-this world . [She]194-kate turns [her]194-kate head to find [my]0-i lips and blesses [me]0-i with a delicate , consuming kiss . Love . It ’s radiating between [us]1347-us , filling [me]0-i with happiness . [We]1347-us can do this . Get through this . Because [we]1347-us ’re [us]1347-us . [Jesse]454-jesse and [Ava]238-ava . “ Let ’s dance . ”[454-jesse] [I]0-i turn [her]194-kate in [my]0-i arms and reach for [my]0-i phone , pulling up the Sonos app . [She]194-kate laughs lightly , bemused . “ Please not to [Justin Timberlake]47-justin timberlake . ”[194-kate] [My]0-i finger pauses on the screen of [my]0-i phone , and [I]0-i look down at [Ava]238-ava . It ’s just another one of those moments , when [she]194-kate says something without a clue of why [she]194-kate ’s saying it . [I]0-i wo n’t let it tarnish what [I]0-i plan on being a perfect evening . “ Something a little more romantic . ”[0-i] [I]0-i find the track in mind and turn up the volume . “ Like this . ”[0-i] “ Nights in White Satin ”[194-kate] fills the air around [us]1347-us , and [she]194-kate listens with [me]0-i for a few moments . “ Recognize it ? ”[194-kate] [I]0-i sound hopeful , though trying [my]0-i hardest not to be . “ Of course . ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate steps into [my]0-i chest and rests [her]194-kate cheek there , curling one arm around [my]0-i waist and taking [my]0-i hand . [We]1347-us danced to it one time . ”[194-kate] Placing [our]1347-us clasped hands on [my]0-i chest beside [her]194-kate head , [I]0-i start to slowly move [us]1347-us in lazy circles , laying [my]0-i head upon [hers]194-kate . [You]194-kate do n’t remember , do [you]194-kate ? ”[194-kate] [I]0-i ask , knowing [she]194-kate ’s grasped [my]0-i plan . A mild shake of [her]194-kate head is expected , but the tears soaking through the material of [my]0-i shirt are not . “ Do n’t cry , ”[194-kate] [I]0-i gently scold [her]194-kate , clenching [my]0-i eyes closed before [I]0-i defy [my]0-i own order . [We]1349-we make new memories if [we]1349-we ca n’t find [the old ones]2698-the old ones . ”[0-i] [I]194-kate want both . ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate follows [my]0-i lead as [we]1349-we unhurriedly pivot on the spot , going so slow , [we]1349-we ’re hardly moving at all . But [we]1349-we ’re touching . Everywhere , [we]1349-we ’re touching , and the most significant place [we]1349-we ’re touching right now is [our]1349-we hearts . [Her]194-kate heartbeats are sinking into [my]0-i chest , serving as a power surge , increasing [my]0-i own heart rate . “ But [I]194-kate have [you]2765-you and [the children]2217-the children , ”[194-kate] [she]194-kate whispers , [her]194-kate voice barely heard over the music as it reaches the crescendo . “ And that ’s all that matters . ”[194-kate] [I]0-i breathe in , long and deep , and sink [my]0-i face into [her]194-kate hair . [She]194-kate ’s right , though it does n’t make the loss any easier to accept . “ Always , ”[0-i] [I]0-i affirm , [my]0-i voice evidently broken . The track slowly fades out and [we]1349-we continue to slowly turn on the spot , [our]1349-we hands held tightly against [my]0-i chest , [her]194-kate body held tightly to [mine]0-i . “ Time to go , [baby]194-kate , ”[194-kate] [I]0-i murmur reluctantly , feeling [her]194-kate hold of [me]0-i constrict everywhere . Arranging [her]194-kate into [my]0-i side , [I]0-i walk [us]1349-we to [the car]2161-the car . “ Am [I]194-kate allowed a drink tonight ? ”[194-kate] [Her]194-kate question is laced with a little mischief , and definitely some hope . [I]0-i realize that [she]194-kate maybe feels the need for a little Dutch courage . [I]0-i ca n’t deny [her]194-kate that , but [I]0-i ’ll be keeping a very close eye on [her]194-kate . “ One or two , ”[0-i] [I]0-i agree , opening the car door for [her]194-kate . [She]194-kate lowers into the seat and [I]0-i move in , fastening [her]194-kate belt . As [I]0-i back up , [I]0-i stop , [my]0-i body bent , [my]0-i face nose to nose with [hers]194-kate . [She]194-kate smiles . [I]0-i smile . [I]0-i hope [you]0-i have a lovely evening , [Mrs. Ward]26-maddie . ”[0-i] [My]0-i date is [a god]2768-a god . Of course [I]0-i will . ”[0-i] [I]0-i land [her]194-kate with a soft kiss . [I]0-i fucking love [you]0-i . ”[0-i] Chapter 37 The foyer of Café Royal sparkles , the grandeur impressive . [We]461-both of us enter [the small ornate elevator]1352-the small ornate elevator , [both of [us]461-both of us]461-both of us quiet as it slowly carries [us]461-both of us up . [Ava]238-ava peeks at [me]0-i a few times , never releasing [my]0-i hand . When the doors open , the rush of sound hits [us]461-both of us — music , chatting , laughter . [I]0-i step forward , but feel [Ava]238-ava ’s resistance behind [me]0-i . [Everyone]283-everyone is looking forward to seeing [you]0-i , ”[238-ava] [I]0-i say , trying to build [her]238-ava confidence . “ And [I]0-i ’ll never leave [your]0-i side . ”[0-i] “ What if [I]0-i need [the ladies]2611-the ladies ? ”[0-i] “ Then [I]0-i ’ll come , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say matter - of - factly , because it is definitely a fact . [She]238-ava smiles , knowing [I]0-i really will , and leaves [the elevator]1353-the elevator . “ If it ’s too loud , [you]0-i must tell [me]238-ava . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i do n’t want [her]238-ava getting a headache . “ What will [you]0-i do ? Demand [everyone]283-everyone be quiet and order [Drew]53-drew to turn off the music ? ”[238-ava] [I]0-i smile down at [her]238-ava , not needing to answer . [She]238-ava knows [I]0-i ’d do that as well . “ Silly question , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava says on a shake of [her]238-ava head . “ Of course [you]0-i would . ”[238-ava] [We]1354-we cross the threshold of [the room]202-the room , and [I]0-i feel [Ava]238-ava ’s hand squeeze [mine]0-i , [her]238-ava other hand coming up and clinging onto [my]0-i bicep . “ Relax , ”[238-ava] [I]0-i tell [her]238-ava gently , taking a glass of fizz from an offered tray and peeling [her]238-ava hand off [my]0-i arm . [I]0-i give [her]238-ava the champagne . “ Small sips . ”[0-i] “ Right . ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava sinks the entire glass , stealthily moving back when [I]0-i reach to seize it . “ Too slow , [Ward]26-maddie , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava murmurs , placing the empty on the tray . [The woman]238-ava is impossible . [You]238-ava ’ll pay for that . ”[238-ava] “ Ca n’t wait . ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava hand raises in a wave , and [we]1354-we ’re soon joined by [Raya]54-raya . “ Congratulations , [Raya]54-raya . [You]238-ava look gorgeous , ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava tells [her]238-ava , taking both [her]238-ava hands and holding them out to admire [Raya]54-raya ’s dress in all its glory . “ This old thing ? ”[238-ava] [She]238-ava rolls [her]238-ava eyes and moves in to kiss [Ava]238-ava on the cheek . “ Thank [you]238-ava for coming . It means a lot to [me]238-ava and [Drew]53-drew . ”[238-ava] “ Would n’t miss it for [the world]2163-the world . ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava peeks up at [me]0-i and jerks [her]238-ava head a little , [her]238-ava way of telling [me]0-i to give some attention to [the lady of the moment]238-ava . “ Really stunning , ”[0-i] [I]0-i all but grunt , peeling [my]0-i eyes away from [[my]0-i devious wife]26-maddie just as [Drew]53-drew joins [us]1357-us . [His]53-drew suit is pristine , as expected . [He]53-drew gives [his]53-drew fiancée a loving kiss on [her]26-maddie cheek , before moving in on [Ava]238-ava . [I]0-i will [him]53-drew not to make a big deal of [her]26-maddie presence . [Everyone]121-everyone commenting on [her]26-maddie actually being here wo n’t help . [Ava]238-ava , [you]238-ava look sublime . ”[121-everyone] [Drew]53-drew drops a gentle kiss on [her]26-maddie cheek before rejoining [Raya]54-raya . “ Thank [you]238-ava for coming . Now , if [you]238-ava would n’t mind [me]53-drew stealing [[my]53-drew beautiful bride]2773-my beautiful bride - to - be . ”[53-drew] “ Of course , [you]238-ava go . ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava shoos them away and takes advantage of [the passing waiter]1358-the passing waiter as [I]0-i shake [Drew]53-drew ’s hand . “ Easy , ”[0-i] [I]0-i warn as [she]26-maddie takes the glass to [her]26-maddie lips . It rests on [her]26-maddie bottom lip for a few moments as [she]26-maddie regards [my]0-i increasingly bristly form . Then [she]26-maddie makes a show of taking the smallest , slowest sip [she]26-maddie possibly could . “ Do n’t push [me]26-maddie , [lady]26-maddie . ”[26-maddie] [I]0-i collect [her]26-maddie hand and push through [the crowd]1359-the crowd , making sure [I]0-i clear the way first as [I]0-i pull [Ava]238-ava along with [me]0-i . “ There ’s [John]60-jacob , ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava says , pointing toward [the bar]667-the bar . “ And [Elsie]32-mum . ”[1361-he] [He]1361-he ’s brought a date ? [I]0-i change course quickly , heading [their]1359-the crowd way . [The big guy]830-the big guy is smiling , probably wider than [I]0-i ’ve ever seen before , and [he]830-the big guy ’s made a real effort . [His]830-the big guy black suit is new for sure , [his]830-the big guy white shirt stark , and [his]830-the big guy bald head is supershiny , undoubtedly freshly polished . As soon as [he]830-the big guy spots [me]0-i , [his]830-the big guy bright smile turns into a filthy glare . One that could shrink every muscle [I]0-i have , and [I]0-i have a lot . But , of course , [I]0-i completely ignore [his]830-the big guy suddenly threatening stance , [my]0-i body becoming taller . “ Do n’t tease [him]830-the big guy , ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava warns . [I]0-i scoff . [I]0-i ’ve waited forever for this . [John]60-jacob . ”[0-i] [I]0-i slap a firm hand on [his]830-the big guy solid shoulder . [He]830-the big guy does n’t move an inch . [You]60-jacob look like [you]60-jacob ’re here to impress . ”[830-the big guy] [His]830-the big guy eyes darken , only making [my]0-i grin widen . [I]0-i turn it onto [Elsie]32-mum and blind [her]32-mum with it . “ And [you]60-jacob look ravishing . [I]0-i hope [John]60-jacob has told [you]60-jacob so . ”[0-i] [I]0-i ca n’t imagine [him]830-the big guy paying a compliment . “ Oh , [he]830-the big guy has . ”[0-i] [Elsie]32-mum ’s hand reaches for [John]60-jacob ’s . “ Quite a few times , in fact . ”[60-jacob] [John]60-jacob ’s still glaring at [me]0-i , and [I]0-i ’m still totally ignoring it . “ How romantic of [you]60-jacob . ”[830-the big guy] [His]830-the big guy eyes are telling [me]0-i to fuck right off before [he]830-the big guy smashes [me]0-i in [my]0-i smug face , but [he]830-the big guy would never tell [me]0-i so in front of [[his]830-the big guy new lady friend]1363-his new lady friend . “ So [you]1363-his new lady friend two official ? ”[830-the big guy] [Jesse]454-jesse . ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava sighs , sounding tired by [my]0-i game . Tired ? [I]0-i ’ve only just begun . “ Let ’s go find [Kate]194-kate and [Sam]50-sam . ”[0-i] “ Good idea , ”[60-jacob] [John]60-jacob growls as [Ava]238-ava pulls [me]0-i away . [I]0-i just ca n’t wipe the grin off [my]0-i face . “ Have a nice evening . ”[60-jacob] [John]60-jacob sounds less than sincere . [You]1363-his new lady friend too , ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava calls , [her]238-ava yanks of [my]0-i arm getting firmer . [Jesse]454-jesse , for the love of [God]373-god , will [you]1363-his new lady friend behave ? ”[238-ava] “ This is monumental stuff , [baby]454-jesse . ”[0-i] [I]0-i relent and turn , letting [her]238-ava pull [me]0-i through the crowds . [I]238-ava ’ve only known [him]1364-the colossal , mean - looking man who i adore with all my heart to be goo - goo over [his]1364-the colossal , mean - looking man who i adore with all my heart bonsai trees . ”[238-ava] [He]1364-the colossal , mean - looking man who i adore with all my heart has bonsai trees ? ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava wonder is warranted as [she]238-ava glances back to [the colossal , mean - looking man who [I]0-i adore with all [my]0-i heart]1364-the colossal , mean - looking man who i adore with all my heart . “ If [he]1364-the colossal , mean - looking man who i adore with all my heart pays as much attention to [Elsie]32-mum as [he]1364-the colossal , mean - looking man who i adore with all my heart does those trees , [she]32-mum ’ll be feeling pretty special . ”[238-ava] [I]0-i spot [Sam]50-sam with [Kate]194-kate , who ’s shoving a canapé in [her]194-kate mouth . “ Hungry , [Kate]194-kate ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i ask , alarmed as [she]194-kate follows it up quickly with another . “ Oh [my]194-kate God , ”[194-kate] [she]194-kate mumbles around [her]194-kate full mouth , closing [her]194-kate eyes like [she]194-kate ’s tasting heaven . [I]194-kate just ca n’t stop eating . ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate collects another and holds it while moving in to give [Ava]238-ava a hug . “ Food . Just give [me]238-ava food and [I]238-ava ’ll be happy . ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava laughs over [her]194-kate shoulder as [Sam]50-sam shakes [his]50-sam head in amusement . “ Shall [we]2774-we get some seats ? ”[0-i] [I]0-i ask , mindful of [Kate]194-kate ’s huge belly , and of [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie ’s dodgy leg . “ No . ”[50-sam] [Sam]50-sam shakes [his]50-sam head , pointing [his]50-sam beer to [a passing waiter]1366-a passing waiter . [She]238-ava ’s figured out the route to [the kitchen]228-the kitchen . This is the prime spot to bag the good stuff before [everyone else]2776-everyone else gets to it . [We]2774-we ’ll be [here]2274-here all night . ”[50-sam] [You]238-ava need to sit down , [Kate]194-kate , ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava moans at [her]238-ava , reaching for [her]238-ava tummy and giving it a little rub . “ How are [you]238-ava feeling ? ”[238-ava] “ Hungry , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava replies , seizing another canapé and stuffing the whole thing in [her]238-ava mouth . [Sam]50-sam looks entirely exasperated as [he]50-sam takes one for [himself]50-sam . “ And [I]50-sam ’m coming out in sympathy . [This baby]2778-this baby needs to come soon before [[its]2778-this baby mum]2779-its mum and [dad]2307-dad run out of food and eat each other . ”[50-sam] [Ava]238-ava laughs , looking relaxed as [she]238-ava observes [[our]1367-us friends]1031-our friends munching [their]1031-our friends way through canapé after canapé . [I]0-i ’m not standing here all night . Besides , [Ava]238-ava needs to sit down . [I]0-i spot [a waitress entering [the room]202-the room]1369-a waitress entering the room , heading this way , and as soon as [she]238-ava makes it to [us]1367-us , [I]0-i take the tray from [her]238-ava hands . “ It ’s an emergency , ”[0-i] [I]0-i say to [her]238-ava startled face . “ Oh God . ”[0-i] [Kate]194-kate ’s on [me]0-i like [she]194-kate needs [me]0-i to breathe , ramming food into [her]194-kate mouth . “ Come on . ”[194-kate] [I]0-i usher [them]1031-our friends all onto [the balcony]1371-the balcony , following with the tray . The traffic on [Regent Street]19-regent street is clear , the lights glowing , the bustle of [London]11-london a perfect backdrop . Stone columns close [us]1367-us in , prisms of fire warming the nighttime air . It ’s beautifully idyllic , [this little private haven above [the busy streets of [London]11-london]1373-the busy streets of london]1372-this little private haven above the busy streets of london . As soon as [Kate]194-kate ’s sitting down , [I]0-i put the tray in front of [her]194-kate , smiling at [Sam]50-sam when [he]50-sam rolls [his]50-sam eyes . “ Sips , ”[50-sam] [I]0-i whisper in [Ava]238-ava ’s ear as [she]238-ava lowers to a chair , taking a water for [myself]0-i . [You]238-ava hungry ? ”[238-ava] “ Even if [I]238-ava was , [I]238-ava do n’t think [I]238-ava ’d dare take one from [her]194-kate , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava quips , making [Kate]194-kate ’s chewing slow to a stop . “ Oow … ohhh … usstt . ”[238-ava] [Her]238-ava hands wave at the tray as [she]238-ava splutters a load of nonsense at [us]1374-us . And then [Ava]238-ava reaches forward , taking one of the little flatbreads as [Kate]194-kate groans happily on . [I]194-kate do n’t know what it is about them , but [I]194-kate ca n’t get enough . ”[194-kate] [I]0-i ’m thrilled to see [Ava]238-ava pop one in [her]238-ava mouth without any pressing from [me]0-i . But it is n’t in [her]238-ava mouth for long . [She]238-ava coughs , grabbing a napkin and holding it to [her]238-ava mouth . “ Fucking hell , ”[238-ava] [she]238-ava splutters , emptying the contents of [her]238-ava mouth into the material . [Ava]238-ava . ”[0-i] [My]0-i bark of [her]238-ava name makes [her]238-ava jump a little , though [I]0-i get no apology for [her]238-ava foul mouth . [I]194-kate know , right ? ”[194-kate] [Kate]194-kate grabs another and rams it in . “ Serious … eeee … est … ings . ”[194-kate] [I]238-ava need water ! ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava starts fanning [her]238-ava mouth , frantically searching [the vicinity]487-the vicinity . “ Quickly ! Oh [my]0-i God , [my]0-i mouth ’s burning ! ”[0-i] [I]0-i hand over [my]0-i glass as [Sam]50-sam falls apart across the table , and [she]238-ava grabs it , slurping it down ravenously . “ Spicy ? ”[238-ava] [I]0-i take a wild guess , smiling as [she]238-ava nods over the glass . “ Delicious , ”[194-kate] [Kate]194-kate corrects . [You]2781-you hate hot food . ”[194-kate] [Ava]238-ava ’s face is red , a mild sweat dampening [her]238-ava skin . [She]238-ava looks at [the platter]1376-the platter with disgust . “ Oh , [Kate]194-kate ’s developed a bit of a craving . ”[238-ava] [Sam]50-sam takes one of the canapés and holds it out to [Kate]194-kate , whose mouth falls open like [she]194-kate ’s begging for a treat . [She]194-kate ’s draining [the local Indian restaurant]2782-the local indian restaurant dry . ”[50-sam] [He]50-sam slips it past [her]194-kate lips and wipes a little bit of sauce from the corner of [her]194-kate mouth on a fond smile . [I]50-sam wo n’t miss the midnight demands for a curry , but [I]50-sam will miss these . ”[50-sam] [He]50-sam cups one of [her]194-kate swelling boobs on a grin . [Ava]238-ava does n’t know where to look , diving into [her]238-ava fizz , whereas [I]0-i laugh . [She]238-ava got used to [Sam]50-sam ’s cheeky nature over the years . Now [she]238-ava has to start all over again . “ Drinks , [anyone]305-anyone ? ”[238-ava] [Sam]50-sam asks , releasing [Kate]194-kate ’s boob and rising . [I]194-kate ’ll have a grapefruit juice . ”[194-kate] [Kate]194-kate waffles around [her]194-kate ever - full mouth . “ With a dash of tomato juice and some Worcester sauce . ”[194-kate] [Jesus]26-maddie , [Kate]194-kate , ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava breathes , grimacing . [Pregnancy]140-pregnancy is doing weird stuff to [your]194-kate appetite . ”[238-ava] “ Tell [me]50-sam about it , ”[50-sam] [Sam]50-sam says . [Jesse]454-jesse ? ”[50-sam] “ Just a water for [me]238-ava . ”[238-ava] [You]454-jesse go , ”[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava suggests , nodding when [I]0-i look at [her]194-kate in question . What happened to never leaving [her]194-kate side ? “ It ’s fine . [Kate]194-kate ’s here . ”[0-i] [I]0-i sense [she]194-kate wants some alone time with [[her]194-kate friend]52-her friend , and [I]0-i ’m honestly not sure how [I]0-i feel about that . What will be said ? [I]0-i do n’t know , and that ’s [a killer]629-a killer . But crowding [her]194-kate when [she]194-kate ’s asked for a little space will do [me]0-i no favors . “ Five minutes , ”[0-i] [I]0-i agree reluctantly , leaning in and pushing [my]0-i mouth to [her]194-kate cheek . [You]194-kate ’re going to talk about [me]0-i , are n’t [you]194-kate ? ”[0-i] “ Do n’t have such a big head . ”[194-kate] [She]194-kate smiles , and it ’s fond . It does n’t make [me]0-i feel any better . [I]0-i study [her]194-kate for a few moments , trying to read [her]194-kate mind . “ Go , ”[194-kate] [she]194-kate orders , pulling on [my]0-i sleeve . “ And bring some canapés back that are n’t going to blow [my]194-kate head off . ”[194-kate] It ’s like [she]194-kate knows the promise that [she]194-kate ’ll eat will entice [me]0-i to leave . And [I]0-i hate that [she]194-kate ’s right . “ Fine . ”[0-i] “ And some more of these , ”[194-kate] [Kate]194-kate adds , tossing another into [her]194-kate mouth . [I]194-kate ’m running low . ”[194-kate] [I]0-i ’m out of [my]0-i chair fast , laughing as [I]0-i walk away with a chuckling [Sam]50-sam . “ Hey , look at that . ”[50-sam] [I]0-i nudge [his]50-sam shoulder , and [he]50-sam looks across the bar with [me]0-i where [John]60-jacob ’s romancing [[his]50-sam lady friend]60-jacob . [He]50-sam ’s gon na plant that big knuckled fist on [your]60-jacob nose if [you]60-jacob do n’t pack it in , ”[50-sam] [Sam]50-sam laughs , waving [the barman]669-the barman over . “ It would be worth it , ”[50-sam] [I]0-i order some water . “ And some grapefruit juice with … ”[0-i] [I]0-i fade off , trying to remember the foul concoction [Kate]194-kate requested . [I]0-i look at [Sam]50-sam , who takes over , reeling off [his]50-sam order . “ Hey , [boys]2043-boys . ”[53-drew] [Drew]53-drew joins [us]1380-us , a hand on each shoulder as [he]50-sam peeks [his]50-sam head through the middle of [us]1380-us . “ What the fuck is that ? ”[50-sam] [He]50-sam eyes up the glass of [God]373-god - knows - what . “ Do n’t ask . ”[50-sam] [I]0-i turn away from [the bar]667-the bar , leaning against the wood . “ So not long until [you]54-raya ’re nailed down , too . Excited ? ”[0-i] “ Yes , actually . [I]50-sam know that surprises [you]54-raya . ”[50-sam] It does n’t . From the moment [he]50-sam met [the lovely Raya]54-raya , [he]50-sam was smitten . It might have been a surprise at the time , but [you]1382-you only have to see [them]1383-them together to get it . Who would have thought back in the day that this is where [we]1380-us ’d be ? [Sam]50-sam preparing for the imminent arrival of [his]50-sam firstborn , [Drew]53-drew ready to walk down [the aisle]350-the aisle . And [me]0-i with [twins]1385-twins and [a wife who does n’t know [me]0-i]1386-a wife who does n’t know me . [I]0-i flinch , knocking [myself]0-i out of [my]0-i own depressing thoughts , and it does n’t escape [the boys]2639-the boys ’ notice . [I]0-i swallow and shake off the melancholy . “ Hey , how ’s things ? ”[0-i] [Sam]50-sam asks , and [I]0-i look past [them]2639-the boys both to see [Ava]238-ava has moved to the other side of the table to be next to [Kate]194-kate . [She]238-ava must sense [my]0-i watchful eyes , because [she]238-ava looks up as [she]238-ava collects [her]238-ava glass , and then proceeds to take a cheeky , very measured sip . But the volume of alcohol [she]238-ava ’s drinking is n’t foremost in [my]0-i mind . What [she]238-ava ’s saying to [Kate]194-kate is . Chapter 38 [Ava]238-ava How are [you]1388-you feeling ? [I]238-ava ask , resting the stem of [my]238-ava glass on [Kate]194-kate ’s pregnant belly . “[238-ava] [I]0-i ’m pregnant , fat , and [I]0-i ’m eating like a fucking horse . [She]238-ava blows [her]238-ava cheeks out and motions popping them . “[238-ava] Tell [me]0-i how [you]1388-you are . How ’s yoga going ? ” “[238-ava] Great . [I]238-ava smile , reminded of the image [I]238-ava had . “[238-ava] It beats therapy by a mile . At [my]0-i last session , [I]0-i was so spaced out , and [I]0-i saw [Jesse]454-jesse and [the twins]1059-babies when [they]1059-babies were [babies]1059-babies . ” “[454-jesse] That ’s great ! [I]454-jesse nod , sipping [my]454-jesse drink . “[454-jesse] And how are things with [you]1388-you and [Jesse]454-jesse ? [I]454-jesse inhale and take a quick peek into [the bar area where [[my]454-jesse husband]454-jesse is standing with [[his]454-jesse friends]2787-his friends]2785-the bar area where my husband is standing with his friends , but [his]454-jesse attention is far from on [them]2787-his friends . “[454-jesse] Good . ” “[454-jesse] And ? [she]1390-she prompts . [I]1390-she shrug . “[1390-she] [He]1390-she ’s being very attentive . In between [his]1390-she rants about dresses , drinking , and anything else that displeases [him]1390-she . Which is a lot . [Kate]194-kate laughs , holding [her]194-kate belly , and then flinches . “[83-ouch] [Ouch]83-ouch . [I]83-ouch immediately bolt forward , [my]83-ouch hands over [hers]2508-the baby on [her]2508-the baby tummy . “[83-ouch] What is it ? [You]1391-you okay ? [She]2508-the baby shuffles in [her]2508-the baby seat , grimacing . “[1391-you] It ’s nothing . Just [the baby]2508-the baby lying awkwardly . ” Brushing away [my]2508-the baby hands , [she]2508-the baby settles and gives [me]2508-the baby [her]2508-the baby undivided attention again . “[2508-the baby] It ’s — [I]0-i hold [my]0-i hand up , stopping [her]2508-the baby . “[0-i] [I]0-i know what [you]1391-you ’re going to say . [I]0-i ’ve figured out very quickly that [he]2508-the baby ’s a bit of [a control freak]2385-a control freak . ” “[2508-the baby] A bit ? ” “[2508-the baby] A lot , [I]2508-the baby relent , taking [my]2508-the baby glass to [my]2508-the baby lips , thoughtful . “[2508-the baby] It ’s just … weird , is n’t it ? ” “[2508-the baby] What is ? [I]2508-the baby wave [my]2508-the baby glass through the air , indicating everything around [me]2508-the baby . “[2508-the baby] Up here . [I]0-i tap the side of [my]0-i head . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m still early twenties , rocking youth and pursuing [my]0-i career . [I]0-i look down [my]0-i lace - clad body . “[0-i] But here [I]0-i ’m thirty - eight , married to what can only be described as an ogre , and [I]0-i have [eleven - year - old twins]2282-eleven - year - old twins . Eleven ! [I]1395-i flop back in [my]1395-i seat , once again utterly shell - shocked by what is [my]1395-i life . After way too long of a silence , [I]1395-i sip [my]1395-i drink as [I]1395-i look at [Kate]194-kate . [She]194-kate ’s smiling . “[1395-i] [You]1395-i know , [I]0-i saw all these emotions in [you]1395-i one time before . [She]194-kate waits a moment for [me]238-ava to ask when , but [I]238-ava do n’t . [I]238-ava do n’t need to . “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava . ” With one hand on [mine]238-ava , the other on [her]194-kate gigantic belly , [she]194-kate shuffles in closer . [I]238-ava look [Kate]194-kate straight in [her]194-kate vivid blue eyes , wondering where [she]194-kate ’s hiding the past sixteen years because , frankly , [she]194-kate looks no different . The pregnant belly aside . “[238-ava] For the record , [you]1395-i look fucking fabulous , [she]194-kate says . Reaching up , [she]194-kate pushes a stray strand behind [my]238-ava ear , [her]194-kate smile knowing . [She]194-kate ’s read [my]238-ava mind , but [I]238-ava still pout , a little put out that [I]238-ava ’m much older than [I]238-ava want to be . “[238-ava] How do [you]1395-i feel about [him]1395-i ? ” “[454-jesse] [Jesse]454-jesse ? ” “[1396-the lord almighty] No , [the Lord Almighty]1396-the lord almighty . ” The roll of [her]194-kate eyes is dramatic . “[1395-i] [He]1395-i is [the Lord Almighty]1396-the lord almighty . [I]1395-i laugh softly , casting [my]1395-i gaze to [him]1395-i at [the bar]667-the bar . [He]1395-i ’s still watching [me]1395-i , though something tells [me]1395-i the glass of bubbles in [my]1395-i hand is n’t the reason why . [I]1395-i can see curiosity scattered across [his]1395-i face , the signature creases that [I]1395-i ’ve become familiar with spanning [his]1395-i forehead . [I]1395-i breathe in , unable to help admiring the fine form of a man who is [[my]1395-i husband]454-jesse . [He]1395-i has a sexy , magnetic appeal that demands attention , and for the most part , [he]1395-i knows it . [He]1395-i ’s [a god]2768-a god , no denying it , and [I]1395-i am married to [him]1395-i . Though past all [his]1395-i cocky arrogance , there ’s a vulnerability . A weakness . [I]1395-i am the cause of that weakness . [His]1395-i love for [me]1395-i . [I]1395-i study [him]1395-i as [he]1395-i studies [me]1395-i , [his]1395-i big body relaxed against the bar . [My]1395-i eyes go off on a tangent , roaming the vast length of [him]1395-i , all the way down to [his]1395-i Grensons , and back up again until [I]1395-i get to [his]1395-i face . That face . [I]1395-i sigh , relaxing , a smile breaking free when [his]1395-i green eyes shine , glimmer , and sparkle madly , [his]1395-i devilish smirk faint but apparent . [He]1395-i ’s aware of the inspection [he]1395-i ’s under , and , as always , [he]1395-i ’s taking too much pleasure from [my]1395-i inability to keep [my]1395-i damn eyes under control . [I]1395-i shake [my]1395-i head faintly on a little laugh , and [he]1395-i winks , kissing the air . “[1395-i] Arrogant pig , [I]1395-i mouth . “[1395-i] [I]0-i love [you]0-i , too , [he]1395-i mouths back , making [me]0-i laugh out loud and quickly return [my]0-i focus to [Kate]194-kate before [I]0-i inflate [his]1395-i huge ego even more . [The man]27-the man ’s a case . When [I]0-i find [[my]0-i friend]2060-my friend , [I]0-i also find a cheesy grin around another one of those bloody canapés . “[0-i] Tell [me]0-i [you]0-i do n’t adore [that man]27-the man , [she]194-kate demands . “[27-the man] Tell [me]0-i it is n’t ingrained into [you]0-i like every one of [your]0-i internal organs . Tell [me]0-i [you]0-i do n’t need [him]27-the man to survive . ” “[0-i] [I]0-i ca n’t , [I]0-i admit , though the idea is crazy if true . [I]0-i look at [him]27-the man and feel electric inside . [He]27-the man touches [me]0-i , and [my]0-i veins charge with heat . In [his]27-the man arms [I]0-i feel at [home]201-home . Like nothing can hurt [me]0-i . And [I]0-i know for sure that it ca n’t . “[0-i] [I]0-i did n’t know what [I]0-i felt at first , [I]0-i admit . “[0-i] Attraction , for sure , but trying to get [my]0-i head around [this man]454-jesse being [[my]0-i husband]454-jesse was frightening . [I]0-i smile when [Kate]194-kate takes [my]0-i hand and holds it in a sign of support . “[0-i] [I]0-i saw something in [him]454-jesse , something that [I]0-i should have been wary of , yet [I]0-i was more intrigued by [him]454-jesse . [He]454-jesse ’s told [me]0-i things that are unbelievable , yet [I]0-i believe [them]1399-them . [Kate]194-kate does n’t ask what things , as [I]0-i suspect [she]194-kate knows . “[0-i] [I]0-i just feel [myself]0-i leaning on [him]454-jesse in all ways , and [I]0-i know it ’s the right thing to do . [I]0-i ca n’t explain it . [I]0-i feel protective of [him]454-jesse , even though [I]0-i know [he]454-jesse can more than look after [himself]454-jesse . But more protective of [his]454-jesse ways , like a need to defend how [he]454-jesse is . Because [I]0-i know why [he]454-jesse ’s like that . [The Manor]190-the manor , [[his]454-jesse uncle]60-jacob , [[his]454-jesse brother]60-jacob . The scars on [his]454-jesse stomach , just the thought of [him]454-jesse being hurt , no matter in what way . ” At the mention of the scars , [Kate]194-kate inhales , flinching . “[0-i] [I]0-i know , [I]0-i agree . “[0-i] [I]0-i was so mad when [he]454-jesse told [me]0-i how [he]454-jesse ’d sustained the injuries . [I]0-i know [he]454-jesse claims to have been nothing before [he]454-jesse met [me]0-i , empty and lost , but still . [He]454-jesse should n’t have been so careless with [his]454-jesse life . ” “[454-jesse] Careless ? ” “[454-jesse] Not wearing [his]454-jesse leathers when [he]454-jesse rode [his]454-jesse bike , [I]454-jesse prompt , and [she]454-jesse nods slowly , looking across to [Jesse]454-jesse with the disappointment [I]454-jesse feel [myself]454-jesse . “[454-jesse] [He]454-jesse ’s [a silly man]454-jesse , [she]454-jesse muses , starting to get up from [her]454-jesse seat , the effort too much , even with [my]454-jesse helping hand . “[454-jesse] [I]0-i need to pee for the thousandth time in an hour . ” “[0-i] Want [me]0-i to come ? ” “[0-i] Trust [me]0-i , [you]0-i do n’t want to hear [me]0-i pee . [I]0-i sound like [a cart horse]1402-a cart horse . ” “[0-i] So [you]0-i ’re eating like a horse , peeing like a horse . [You]0-i gon na start galloping ? [I]50-sam smile when [she]454-jesse chuckles . “[50-sam] [Sam]50-sam ’s gon na have to roll [me]0-i out of this joint . [She]454-jesse stretches , standing tall , [her]454-jesse palms in [her]454-jesse back pushing [her]454-jesse hips forward . “[50-sam] Oh , God , [she]454-jesse groans , the sound pure pleasure . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’ll be back in a minute . [You]0-i want a drink ? ” “[0-i] Yes , but do n’t let [Jesse]454-jesse see it . ” “[0-i] [I]0-i ’ll smuggle it through in [my]0-i gigantic knickers . [She]454-jesse wanders off , and [I]0-i fall into thought again , at the same time admiring [Jesse]454-jesse . Falling in love with [him]454-jesse so quickly seems like an outlandish possibility . But it happened once before . And it ’s happening once again . Chapter 39 [I]0-i watch as [Kate]194-kate half wobbles , half marches toward [me]0-i , though it ’s plain to see [she]194-kate ’s trying to execute the latter with grit . It does n’t matter if [she]194-kate ’s failing . The look on [her]194-kate face is like thunder , and [I]0-i ’m puzzled as to why . “[0-i] Oh shit , who ’s upset the [she]1403-her - devil ? [Sam]50-sam mutters under [his]50-sam breath , spotting [[his]50-sam girlfriend]1040-his girlfriend steaming toward [us]2794-us . “[0-i] Hey , gorgeous ! ” “[454-jesse] What the fuck , [Jesse]454-jesse ? [She]1403-her launches right in . “[454-jesse] [Your]454-jesse scars . [You]454-jesse told [her]1403-her [you]454-jesse had a motorcycle accident ? ” “[454-jesse] Oh , [I]454-jesse say , [her]1403-her grievance suddenly crystal clear . “[454-jesse] Oh ? That ’s it , oh ? [You]454-jesse ca n’t keep that kind of shit from [her]1403-her ! ” What ? [I]454-jesse ca n’t keep that kind of shit from [her]1403-her ? [Fucking]118-fucking watch [me]454-jesse . Only because [Kate]194-kate ’s expecting do [I]454-jesse hold back from getting up in [her]194-kate face . [I]454-jesse do n’t fancy a scrap with [[my]454-jesse mate]26-maddie , not that [Kate]194-kate would need [him]26-maddie . [She]194-kate ’s a firecracker all on [her]194-kate own , more so since [[my]454-jesse mate]26-maddie put a bun in [her]194-kate oven . “[454-jesse] [I]0-i know what [I]0-i ’m doing . [I]1404-you breathe through [my]1404-you statement , calm as [I]1404-you can manage when on the inside [I]1404-you ’m livid . [I]1404-you know what ’s best for [[my]1404-you wife]26-maddie . [Me]1404-you . [She]26-maddie ’s [the one]2033-the one recoiling now , and [Sam]50-sam ’s quick to move in , a pacifying arm placed on [her]26-maddie back . And [Kate]194-kate ’s quick to shrug [him]50-sam off . “[1404-you] [You]1404-you ’re lying , that ’s what [you]1404-you ’re doing . ” “[1404-you] [I]0-i ’m protecting [her]0-i . [I]1404-you can feel [my]1404-you teeth grinding , [my]1404-you jaw aching in an instant . “[1404-you] By lying ? [She]0-i laughs , and it ’s sarcastic as fuck . “[1404-you] Have n’t [you]1404-you learned ? Look what happened the last time [you]1404-you kept [her]0-i in the dark . [Her]0-i face is getting redder by the second , [her]0-i rage probably matching [mine]1404-you , though [I]194-kate ’m containing it far better than [Kate]194-kate . “[194-kate] [Kate]194-kate , calm the fuck down . [Sam]50-sam tries to encourage [her]194-kate away . [She]194-kate ’s having none of it . “[194-kate] [You]1404-you ca n’t lie to [her]194-kate . It is n’t right . [I]194-kate swallow and reach for [Kate]194-kate ’s hand , taking it in a firm grip and looking [her]194-kate square in the eye . [I]194-kate hope [she]194-kate sees how sincere [I]194-kate am . How determined . “[194-kate] [Kate]194-kate , lies are necessary when [you]1404-you know [the person [you]1404-you ’re lying to ca n’t handle the truth]1405-the person you ’re lying to ca n’t handle the truth . [I]238-ava breathe in more oxygen , and [Kate]194-kate snaps [her]194-kate mouth shut , so [I]238-ava push on while [she]194-kate ’s been silenced . “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava ca n’t handle the truth , [Kate]194-kate . Not now . Maybe never . [I]0-i do n’t know , but in this moment [I]0-i ’m not telling [her]194-kate all that shit . It pales into insignificance , anyway . What matters to [me]0-i , to [Ava]238-ava , is [us]1406-our . [[Our]1406-our family]2010-the kids . [The kids]2010-the kids . [I]0-i want all of [her]194-kate energy on [me]0-i and [the twins]2012-the twins . Not [a nobody who ’s not in [our]1406-our lives anymore]1409-a nobody who ’s not in our lives anymore . [She]194-kate ’s staring at [me]0-i , absorbing [my]0-i speech . “[0-i] [I]0-i think [you]0-i ’re mad . ” “[0-i] [I]0-i feel it , [I]194-kate say . “[194-kate] But [she]194-kate ’s falling in love with [me]0-i again , and now more than ever , [I]0-i do n’t want anything to jeopardize that . [I]194-kate flick [my]194-kate eyes to [Sam]50-sam . [He]50-sam still has hold of [Kate]194-kate , but [his]50-sam eyes are on [me]194-kate . Sympathy is emblazoned across [his]50-sam face . And [his]50-sam small nod tells [me]194-kate [he]50-sam understands the angle [I]194-kate ’m taking here . [I]194-kate ’m grateful . “[194-kate] Oh shit , [Kate]194-kate blurts , [her]194-kate welling eyes overflowing when [she]194-kate blinks . “[194-kate] Hey . [I]194-kate move in to comfort [her]194-kate , to make sure [we]2797-we ’re all right . “[194-kate] Do n’t get upset . ” “[194-kate] [I]0-i ’m not upset . [She]194-kate looks down , as do [I]194-kate , finding a puddle around [our]2797-we feet . “[194-kate] [My]0-i water broke . ” “[194-kate] Oh , fuck . [I]194-kate step back , cringing , feeling all kinds of guilty for more or less inducing [her]194-kate labor . “[194-kate] What ? [Sam]50-sam shoots a fire stare at [[his]50-sam girlfriend]1040-his girlfriend . “[194-kate] That ’s what happens when [you]1410-you get stressed out ! [He]1040-his girlfriend takes [her]194-kate cheeks and moves in , smacking a big kiss on [her]194-kate lips . “[194-kate] If [you]1410-you were n’t in labor , [I]0-i ’d spank [you]1410-you stupid . ” “[0-i] Save it for later , [Samuel]50-sam . [Kate]194-kate gazes at [him]50-sam as [Sam]50-sam gazes back . “[50-sam] [We]1411-we ’re going to have [a baby]1412-a baby . ” And like the news might have just sunk in , [he]50-sam flips to panic mode . “[1411-we] Fuck ! [I]0-i ’m going to have [a baby]1412-a baby ! [He]50-sam looks at [me]0-i , and then to [Drew]53-drew . “[0-i] [We]1411-we ’re having [a baby]1412-a baby ! [he]50-sam shouts , silencing [the room]202-the room . “[2167-an ambulance] Call [an ambulance]2167-an ambulance ! ” “[293-someone] [Someone]293-someone calm [him]293-someone the fuck down , [Kate]194-kate mumbles , and then that mumble turns into a moan , [her]194-kate body bending at the waist . “[293-someone] Ohhh , shit , there it is . ” “[293-someone] What ’s going on ? [Ava]238-ava rushes over , looking to [everyone]283-everyone , and then down at [her]194-kate feet . “[293-someone] Oh . ” “[293-someone] Oh , [your]293-someone pretty shoes , [Kate]194-kate whines , clinging to [Sam]50-sam ’s arm . “[1411-we] [They]1411-we ’re ruined . ” “[1411-we] Give it a rest , [woman]26-maddie , [Sam]50-sam chides as [Kate]194-kate flings [her]194-kate other arm out and grabs [me]454-jesse . [I]454-jesse hold on to [her]194-kate as [she]194-kate pants , [her]194-kate red face now red for other reasons . Flashbacks , tons of them , steam forward and swamp [my]454-jesse brain — visions of [Ava]238-ava in the latter weeks of [her]238-ava pregnancy , fooling [me]454-jesse into believing [she]238-ava was in labor to wind [me]454-jesse up , and then the moment [she]238-ava was n’t playing anymore . The moment it actually happened . [I]454-jesse look across to [[my]454-jesse wife]238-ava as [I]454-jesse help [Sam]50-sam hold up [Kate]194-kate , [a crowd of people]2801-a crowd of people growing . [I]454-jesse watch as [[my]454-jesse wife]238-ava throws out instructions , before taking [Kate]194-kate ’s arm from [me]454-jesse . [I]454-jesse ’m in a world of [my]454-jesse own , rendered immobile by [my]454-jesse memories , a useless heap of man amid the pandemonium . “[454-jesse] [Jesse]454-jesse ! [Ava]238-ava ’s sharp shout of [my]454-jesse name snaps [me]454-jesse back into [the room]202-the room . [She]238-ava ’s looking at [me]454-jesse in question . “[454-jesse] [You]454-jesse ’re [the only one who has n’t been drinking]1416-the only one who has n’t been drinking . [She]238-ava must catch [my]454-jesse confusion , because [she]238-ava pushes on urgently . “[454-jesse] [You]454-jesse need to drive [us]1417-us to [the hospital]384-the hospital . ” “[454-jesse] Right . ” “[454-jesse] [An ambulance]2167-an ambulance ! [Sam]50-sam yells , frantically looking around [the room]202-the room , like [he]293-someone might find one in [Café Royal]141-café royal . “[293-someone] Will [someone]293-someone shut [him]293-someone the hell up , [Kate]194-kate spits , forgoing the help of [[her]194-kate boyfriend]52-her friend and putting all of [her]194-kate trust into [Ava]238-ava , clinging onto [[her]238-ava friend]52-her friend . “[293-someone] Oohhhhhh God ! ” Over [she]238-ava goes again , bending at the waist . “[293-someone] Shit , shit , shit . [Ava]238-ava starts walking [Kate]194-kate toward [the exit]2804-the exit , [me]50-sam and [Sam]50-sam following like [the useless men [we]2806-we are]2805-the useless men we are . “[50-sam] [Sam]50-sam , [I]0-i need [you]50-sam to time the contractions , [Ava]238-ava orders over [her]238-ava shoulder , helping [Kate]194-kate along . “[454-jesse] [Jesse]454-jesse , bring [the car]2161-the car around . [Kate]194-kate takes slow , tentative steps , [Ava]238-ava matching [her]238-ava pace . “[454-jesse] How bad does it hurt ? [Kate]194-kate asks , looking to [Ava]238-ava for reassurance . “[1422-a bitch] Like [a bitch]1422-a bitch , [Ava]238-ava answers automatically . [I]1422-a bitch find [myself]1422-a bitch inhaling , a little stunned . “[1422-a bitch] And when [that baby]1422-a bitch ’s ready to come out , [you]50-sam ’re gon na feel like [you]50-sam ’re trying to push a flaming watermelon out of [your]50-sam fanny . [Kate]194-kate laughs , and then stops , shouting at the doors of [the elevator]1353-the elevator . “[75-motherfucker] [Motherfucker]75-motherfucker ! ” “[75-motherfucker] About sums it up , [Ava]238-ava quips , accepting a wet cloth from [Raya]54-raya and dabbing at [Kate]194-kate ’s forehead . “[50-sam] [You]50-sam ’re stealing [my]0-i thunder , [Raya]54-raya jokes , nothing but fondness in [her]54-raya tone as [she]54-raya takes [Kate]194-kate ’s other side , the trio of [women]707-women in a line before [us]2809-us , taking the ropes , putting [us]2809-us to shame . All that ’s left for [me]1423-me to do is put an arm around [Sam]50-sam and walk [him]50-sam on behind while [I]1423-me watch [Ava]238-ava talk [Kate]194-kate through it . Like [she]194-kate ’s done it before . Because [she]194-kate has . * * * [Five of [us]2809-us]2810-five of us sit in [the waiting room]2811-the waiting room[me]1423-me , [Ava]238-ava , [Drew]53-drew , [Raya]54-raya , and [Georgia]58-georgia . [We]2809-us insisted [they]2809-us stay at [Café Royal]141-café royal and enjoy [their]2809-us party . [They]2809-us insisted on coming . It ’s past midnight , and [Georgia]58-georgia is asleep on [Drew]53-drew ’s lap , [Raya]54-raya ’s head resting on [his]53-drew shoulder . The consistent moans and screams of [women]707-women are leaking out of the doors of [the maternity unit]2813-the maternity unit . It ’s only been a few hours since [we]2809-us arrived , and [I]1423-me know more than anyone that it could be a long night . But not [one of [us]2809-us]2814-one of us is prepared to leave . This is a monumental moment in [[our]2809-us friends]1031-our friends ’ lives . [We]2809-us all want to be here for it . [I]1423-me peek down at [Ava]238-ava . [She]238-ava ’s sitting next to [me]1423-me , [her]238-ava gaze fixed on [our]2809-us held hands in [her]238-ava lap . “[1423-me] [You]1423-me okay ? [I]1423-me ask , wondering if [she]238-ava ’s thinking about when [she]238-ava had [[our]2809-us babies]2089-our babies . Looking up at [me]1423-me , [she]238-ava sighs , [her]238-ava head falling onto [my]1423-me shoulder . [I]1423-me reach around with [my]1423-me spare hand and cup [her]238-ava cheek . “[1423-me] Does it really feel like [you]1423-me ’re pushing a flaming watermelon out of [your]1423-me fanny ? [Her]238-ava jerking body against [mine]1423-me makes [me]1423-me smile , [her]238-ava laugh soft . “[1423-me] Yes . ” “[83-ouch] [Ouch]83-ouch , [I]83-ouch quip , shuddering for effect . [Her]238-ava hand reaches for [mine]1423-me on [her]238-ava face and holds it there . “[83-ouch] [I]0-i do n’t know where it all came from , [she]238-ava says , almost sad . “[83-ouch] It ’s the story of [my]0-i life at the moment . [I]83-ouch breathe out , [my]83-ouch arse slipping further from the seat . [I]83-ouch ’m not sure whether [I]83-ouch like these little flashes of recollections anymore . [They]2817-they do n’t excite [me]83-ouch , more make [me]83-ouch sad . Sad that the instinct is there , but the memory and the essence of that memory is n’t . [I]83-ouch close [my]83-ouch eyes , feeling so tired . [I]83-ouch have roughly two seconds of shut - eye before [I]83-ouch hear some doors open . Shooting [my]83-ouch stare toward [them]2817-they , [I]83-ouch find [Sam]50-sam standing outside [the maternity unit]2813-the maternity unit , looking like shit , [his]50-sam face washed out , [his]50-sam eyes bloodshot . For a moment , [I]83-ouch ’m terrified that something has gone wrong . Then a lazy grin creeps across [his]50-sam exhausted face , and [my]83-ouch heart works its way back to a safe pace . “[83-ouch] It ’s [a girl]2026-a girl , [he]50-sam croaks , [his]50-sam voice like gravel . “[2026-a girl] [We]1425-i ’ve gone and got [ourselves]1425-i [a little girl]2026-a girl . [I]1425-i ’m up in a heartbeat , seeing [he]50-sam ’ll collapse with a mixture of happiness and exhaustion if [I]1425-i do n’t reach [him]50-sam quickly . [He]50-sam practically falls into [my]1425-i arms . “[1425-i] Fuck [me]0-i , [I]0-i never want to do that again . [I]2026-a girl smile , knowing exactly how [he]50-sam feels . “[2026-a girl] Congratulations , [mate]2026-a girl . [I]2026-a girl give [him]50-sam the biggest bear hug , taking most of [his]50-sam weight . [A girl]2026-a girl . [I]2026-a girl laugh under [my]2026-a girl breath . That ’s it . [Sam]50-sam has joined [Drew]53-drew and [me]2026-a girl in girlie hell . [I]2026-a girl fucking love it . [I]2026-a girl release [him]50-sam only when [Ava]238-ava makes it to [us]2819-we to take over the hug , though [I]2026-a girl ’m on standby to catch [him]50-sam if [his]50-sam legs give . “[2026-a girl] Well done . How ’s [Kate]194-kate ? ” “[142-knackered] [Knackered]142-knackered . [We]2819-we all come together , hugs and kisses given all around . And it ’s beautiful . A beautiful moment in [our]2819-we lives . [My]142-knackered only wish is that [the twins]2012-the twins were here , and as [I]142-knackered look at [Georgia]58-georgia , rubbing at [her]238-ava sleepy eyes , that wish turns into an ache . Only one more day , [I]142-knackered tell [myself]142-knackered . Then [I]142-knackered see [[my]142-knackered babies]216-my babies . Once [we]2819-we ’ve said [our]2819-we good - byes , [I]142-knackered walk [an exhausted Ava]2822-an exhausted ava to [the car]2161-the car , practically holding [her]2822-an exhausted ava up . [I]142-knackered buckle [her]2822-an exhausted ava in , kiss [her]2822-an exhausted ava neck , and linger there for a time , just feeling [her]2822-an exhausted ava on [my]142-knackered skin . [She]2822-an exhausted ava ’s dozy . “[142-knackered] [I]0-i love [you]0-i . [Her]2822-an exhausted ava whispered confession is drowsy , but [her]2822-an exhausted ava deeper nuzzle into [me]0-i tells [me]0-i [she]2822-an exhausted ava ’s aware of what [she]2822-an exhausted ava ’s saying . [My]0-i heart could burst . “[0-i] [I]0-i know , [I]0-i whisper back , kissing [her]2822-an exhausted ava hair , holding [my]0-i lips there forever . In this moment , such a perfect moment , [I]0-i decide what [I]0-i must do in the morning . Chapter 40 [Ed Sheeran]143-ed sheeran ’s “[0-i] Give [Me]0-i Love ” plays quietly , a soft background noise in [[our]2824-our bedroom]593-our bedroom , the tones calm and relaxing . [Ava]238-ava ’s lids peel open gradually , blinking as [they]2826-they do , [her]238-ava pupils shrinking before [my]194-kate eyes as [she]238-ava becomes accustomed to the morning light . [I]194-kate know the second [she]238-ava finds [me]194-kate straddling [her]238-ava waist , because [she]238-ava smiles . And that smile falls the moment [she]238-ava tries to reach for [me]194-kate . Because [she]238-ava ca n’t move [her]238-ava hands . [Her]238-ava eyes dart up to the headboard , where [her]238-ava wrists are securely shackled . A few jerks of [her]238-ava arms later , [she]238-ava returns [her]238-ava eyes to [me]194-kate . [I]194-kate raise [my]194-kate eyebrows . [Her]238-ava mouth drops open . “[194-kate] Morning , [baby]194-kate , [I]194-kate chirp , resting [my]194-kate palms on the insides of [her]238-ava upper arms , pushing them into the bed . “[194-kate] Oh , no [you]1427-you did not , [she]238-ava sputters , having a little futile wriggle beneath [me]1427-you . “[1427-you] Oh , yes [I]0-i did . [I]1427-you lower [my]1427-you face , slowly getting closer and closer to [her]238-ava lips . [She]238-ava stills . “[1427-you] Remember what [your]1427-you last words to [me]0-i were last night ? [Her]238-ava eyes slightly widen , and [I]1427-you know , [I]1427-you just know [she]238-ava ’s going to deny it . [She]238-ava shakes [her]238-ava head mildly , a smile tickling [her]238-ava lips . Oh , [she]238-ava knows damn well . “[1427-you] Have it [your]1427-you way . [I]0-i sigh loudly , dropping [my]0-i head until [my]0-i chin meets [my]0-i chest . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’ll start at three , [I]0-i warn [her]238-ava , [my]0-i voice loaded with the craving consuming [me]0-i . “[0-i] And when [I]0-i get to zero , [baby]194-kate” “[194-kate] What ? Are [you]1427-you going to force [me]0-i to marry [you]1427-you again ? ” The cocky edge to [her]238-ava tone is thrilling . “[194-kate] Three , [I]454-jesse begin , not blessing [her]238-ava with an answer as [I]454-jesse rise to sit up straight on [her]238-ava waist . “[454-jesse] [Jesse]454-jesse … , [she]238-ava says slowly , cockiness fading and concern creeping forward . “[454-jesse] Two . [I]454-jesse hold [my]454-jesse fingers up and lazily lower them to [her]238-ava stomach . [She]238-ava stills , hard as steel . “[454-jesse] No . [I]454-jesse walk [my]454-jesse fingers south , purposely slowly , prolonging [her]238-ava anticipation . “[454-jesse] Do [you]1427-you remember what [you]1427-you said ? [Her]238-ava lips press firmly together , [my]1427-you stubborn little temptress . “[1427-you] No ? [My]1427-you fingertips reach [her]238-ava tickle spot and stops . “[1427-you] Fine by [me]0-i . One . ” “[454-jesse] [Jesse]454-jesse . [She]238-ava exhales [my]454-jesse name and then quickly sucks in air and holds [her]238-ava breath , ready for it . “[454-jesse] Zero , [baby]454-jesse , [I]454-jesse whisper , removing [my]454-jesse hands from [her]238-ava hips and falling forward onto [her]238-ava , catching [her]238-ava mouth and startling [her]238-ava with a smoldering , hot , consuming kiss . Though [I]454-jesse catch the surprise in [her]238-ava eyes , [she]238-ava falls straight into it , matching the deepness , plunging [her]238-ava tongue far and wide . There ’s not a piece of [my]454-jesse mouth [she]238-ava ’s not finding . “[454-jesse] Marry [me]0-i , [I]454-jesse say softly into [her]238-ava mouth . [I]454-jesse feel [her]238-ava smile around [my]454-jesse lips . “[454-jesse] [You]454-jesse ’ve married [me]0-i twice already . [I]454-jesse pull back , a little scowl escaping . “[454-jesse] Is that a no ? ” “[0-i] [I]0-i did n’t say no . [She]238-ava looks up at the cuffs , pulling a bit . “[0-i] Will [you]454-jesse release [me]0-i ? [I]454-jesse have no idea why [I]454-jesse bow to [her]238-ava order so easily , especially since [she]238-ava has n’t technically said yes , but [I]454-jesse find [myself]454-jesse doing exactly that , reaching up and freeing [her]238-ava , leaving the cuffs dangling from the bed . [She]238-ava sits up and pushes [me]454-jesse to [my]454-jesse back , now straddling [me]454-jesse . And then [she]238-ava takes [my]454-jesse arms in turn and cuffs [me]454-jesse to the bed . And [I]454-jesse let [her]238-ava . It ’s official . [I]454-jesse ’m crazy . “[454-jesse] What are [you]454-jesse doing ? [I]454-jesse ask as [I]454-jesse watch [her]238-ava spread [her]238-ava body the length of [mine]454-jesse , looking up at [me]454-jesse as [she]238-ava starts to lazily pepper light kisses across [my]454-jesse torso . [My]454-jesse head drops back , a rough moan spilling free , [my]454-jesse eyes closing in bliss . This could be a trick . [She]238-ava could be leading [me]454-jesse into a false sense of security . But right now , with [her]238-ava mouth gliding across [my]454-jesse flesh , the warmth of [her]238-ava licks and bites leaving fire in [their]2827-their wake , [I]454-jesse could n’t give a fucking shit . [I]454-jesse do n’t fight the restraints . [I]454-jesse do n’t lose [my]454-jesse mind that [I]454-jesse ca n’t touch [her]238-ava . [I]454-jesse do n’t worry about the potential of [her]238-ava trying to extract information from [me]454-jesse . [I]454-jesse ’m lost . [A slave]2828-a slave to [her]238-ava worshipping mouth . Every nerve ending alive , every vein pumping with hot blood . “[454-jesse] This is the Truth Fuck , yes ? [she]238-ava asks , [her]238-ava voice husky and low as [she]238-ava kisses [her]238-ava way up [my]454-jesse body , onto [my]454-jesse chin , and then [my]454-jesse mouth . A wave of panic comes over [me]454-jesse . There ’s no expression on [her]238-ava face , just pure , potent lust . “[454-jesse] Yes … ohhhh … [I]238-ava choke on [my]238-ava groan , [her]238-ava hips grinding into [my]238-ava groin . “[238-ava] Shit , [Ava]238-ava . ” Rising a little , [she]238-ava frees [my]238-ava cock from where it ’s pinned to [my]238-ava lower stomach , and it pings up , the tip brushing over [her]238-ava entrance . [I]238-ava jerk . [She]238-ava jerks . And then [she]238-ava lowers [herself]238-ava onto [me]238-ava , taking all of [me]238-ava on one slow plunge . [I]238-ava clench [my]238-ava teeth , breathing through [my]238-ava nose , as [she]238-ava starts to work [her]238-ava way up into a mind - blowing rhythm . [I]238-ava stare up into [her]238-ava eyes , brown eyes that are spilling desire all over [me]238-ava . [She]238-ava ’s killing [me]238-ava over and over with each and every swivel of [her]238-ava hips , [her]238-ava palms resting on [my]238-ava chest . [I]238-ava find the will to break eye contact , [my]238-ava gaze falling to [her]238-ava breasts as [they]2829-they bounce lightly , and then to [her]238-ava stomach , where evidence of [her]238-ava pregnancy with [the twins]2012-the twins looks back at [me]238-ava . Beautiful . Every inch of [her]238-ava is beautiful . Falling forward , [she]238-ava encases [my]238-ava head with [her]238-ava arms , [her]238-ava face a fraction from [mine]238-ava . [Her]238-ava pace never falters . [My]238-ava pleasure never dips , remaining consistent , taking more of [my]238-ava breath with each grind . “[238-ava] [You]1429-you want some truths , [Jesse Ward]454-jesse ? [she]238-ava murmurs , weaving [her]238-ava fingers through [my]454-jesse hair . [I]454-jesse just nod , ignoring the ache developing in [my]454-jesse arms and focusing on easing the ache in [my]454-jesse cock that ’s being stroked by [her]238-ava warm walls . “[454-jesse] [I]0-i do love [you]1429-you . [She]238-ava kisses [me]454-jesse and alters the swing of [her]238-ava hips , turning it into more of a soft rock . That move , those words . It ’s [my]454-jesse undoing , and it ’s [Ava]238-ava ’s , too . “[454-jesse] Together , [she]238-ava orders softly around [our]2831-our busy mouths , and with that word , [I]0-i tip the edge and tumble with [her]238-ava , maintaining [our]2831-our kiss the whole time [we]2831-our ’re riding the waves of pleasure together until [our]2831-our kiss slows to a stop , as well as [our]2831-our moving bodies . Though [her]238-ava constricting walls and [my]0-i pulsing cock go on for far longer . [I]0-i feel the release of [her]238-ava muscles when [she]238-ava sighs , [her]238-ava body melting over [mine]0-i . “[0-i] Marry [me]0-i , [she]238-ava breathes , turning [her]238-ava lips onto [my]1430-my cheek . If there was ever a moment in [my]1430-my life that [I]1430-my could bottle and store away forever , this would be it . Because [she]238-ava ’s just told [me]1430-my [she]238-ava ’s all in . “[1430-my] [You]1430-my ca n’t ask [me]0-i that when [I]0-i ’m handcuffed to the bed , [I]0-i whisper , feeling [her]238-ava immediately move and release [me]0-i . The second [my]0-i hands are [my]0-i own again , [I]0-i flip [her]238-ava to [her]238-ava back and crowd [her]238-ava . “[0-i] Marry [me]0-i ? [she]238-ava repeats . “[0-i] Stupid fucking question . ” And [I]0-i kiss [her]238-ava . Chapter 41 It feels like D - day . [The kids]2010-the kids will be [home]201-home later , [we]2010-the kids meet [Sam]50-sam and [[Kate]194-kate ’s baby girl]194-kate for the first time , and [Ava]238-ava has [her]238-ava follow - up appointment with [[her]238-ava doctor]1068-her doctor . Two of the things on [our]2010-the kids list [I]0-i ’m elated about . The last not so much . [I]0-i ’m dreading hearing [Dr. Peters]74-dr. peters tell [us]2010-the kids that [he]74-dr. peters ’s happy with [her]238-ava progress , because [I]0-i definitely would n’t say [I]0-i ’m happy . With the progress [we]2010-the kids ’ve had in terms of [our]2010-the kids relationship , yes , [I]0-i ’m delighted . But in terms of [her]238-ava memory , [I]0-i ’m disappointed . [I]0-i might sound ungrateful . [I]0-i probably am . Like [[my]0-i mother]424-elizabeth said to [me]0-i earlier this morning , [I]0-i should be thankful that [I]0-i still have [her]424-elizabeth at all . The thought alone makes [my]0-i blood run cold each time it enters [my]0-i head . As [we]2010-the kids wander down [the corridor]195-the corridor toward [the maternity unit]2813-the maternity unit to see [Kate]194-kate before heading to [[Dr. Peters]74-dr. peters ’s office]2838-dr. peters ’s office , [I]0-i can feel [Ava]238-ava ’s nerves spiking . [I]0-i wonder if [she]238-ava can feel [mine]0-i . [I]0-i sway between asking [her]238-ava if [she]238-ava ’s all right or not saying anything at all . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m fine , [she]238-ava says , peeking up at [me]0-i . “[0-i] At least some things are coming back to [me]0-i . Would n’t [you]1431-you be more concerned if [I]0-i had nothing ? An empty head ? ” “[0-i] [I]0-i just wish [you]1431-you would remem — [I]2010-the kids stop [myself]2010-the kids in the nick of time , mentally thumping [myself]2010-the kids . Why would [I]2010-the kids even dream of saying that ? [I]2010-the kids ’m walking one second , and standing still the next , [Ava]238-ava having pulled [me]2010-the kids to a stop . Turning into [me]2010-the kids , [she]238-ava finishes for [me]2010-the kids . “[2010-the kids] [The kids]2010-the kids ? ” Damn , [she]238-ava ’s good . But after [Kate]194-kate ’s labor Saturday night , it ’s not surprising [her]238-ava mind is on [[her]194-kate own children]2010-the kids . [Ava]238-ava had relayed every pain [[her]238-ava friend]52-her friend should expect . Like a pro . And [I]2010-the kids think the notion comforted [her]238-ava . Made [her]238-ava feel even more maternal . Stepping into [me]2010-the kids , [she]238-ava lifts on [her]238-ava tippy - toes and kisses [my]2010-the kids stubbled cheek , and [I]2010-the kids push [my]2010-the kids face into it , throwing [my]2010-the kids arms around [her]238-ava and squeezing [her]238-ava to [me]2010-the kids . “[2010-the kids] [I]0-i ca n’t wait to see [the kids]2010-the kids , [she]238-ava mumbles into [my]2010-the kids shoulder , probably struggling for breath . “[2010-the kids] [We]1434-we need to get on with things , and [we]1434-we ca n’t do that while [we]1434-we ’re incomplete . [She]238-ava ’s putting [me]1434-we to shame , but one thing [I]1434-we know is that the time away from [the twins]2012-the twins , the most painful time in [my]1434-we life for more than that reason , was n’t entirely wasted . [I]1434-we made [[my]1434-we wife]26-maddie fall in love with [me]1434-we again . Mission accomplished . “[1434-we] [I]0-i love [you]0-i . [I]0-i refuse to let [her]26-maddie go , [people]2279-people having to sidestep [us]1435-my in the middle of [the corridor]195-the corridor to get past . [I]0-i do n’t care . Wherever , whenever . Always . “[0-i] [I]0-i know , [she]26-maddie answers , fussing over [me]0-i with kisses like [I]0-i need to be fussed . “[0-i] Come on . [We]1435-my have [a baby]2508-the baby to meet . ” At that moment , the doors to [the maternity unit]2813-the maternity unit open , and [Sam]50-sam appears with a bundle of blankets in [his]50-sam arms . And beneath the piles of soft cotton , [[his]50-sam baby girl]2508-the baby . [Christ]26-maddie , [my]1435-my eyes begin to well , [my]1435-my throat clogging up on [me]1435-my . [I]1435-my cough to clear it , and [Ava]238-ava gives [me]1435-my a knowing look . [I]1435-my scowl out of principle before [[my]1435-my wife]26-maddie thinks [I]1435-my ’ve transformed into a complete sappy twat . [Sam]50-sam grins , so wide . “[1435-my] [Guys]1437-guys , meet [Betty]424-elizabeth . ” “[1437-guys] Oh [[my]0-i God]26-maddie . [Ava]238-ava melts at [his]50-sam feet , going totally goo - goo over [the baby]2508-the baby . [I]1437-guys ’m alarmed , stepping forward to take a peek . Yeah , [she]26-maddie ’s cute all right . [[My]1437-guys wife]26-maddie swoons all over [Sam]50-sam ’s arms , cooing and oohing , clucking and smiling . “[1437-guys] Do n’t get any ideas . ” It ’s out before [I]0-i can stop it , and [she]26-maddie looks up at [me]0-i , [her]26-maddie fingers playing with [Betty]424-elizabeth ’s little hand . [Sam]50-sam ’s quick to fall apart , and [Ava]238-ava ’s quick to put [me]0-i straight . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m happy with [the two]1439-the two , thanks . [I]0-i know [I]0-i visibly sag before [her]26-maddie , and [I]0-i ca n’t help it . Imagining going through pregnancy hell again makes [me]0-i sweat . The worry . The anxiety . The constant fear that something small , a twinge or something else , meant something was seriously wrong . And then the labor . “[0-i] Good , [I]586-man confirm , rolling [my]586-man shoulders , making [Sam]50-sam laugh harder . “[586-man] [You]586-man ’re too old , [man]586-man . [Sam]50-sam sticks the knife right in and twists it repeatedly . “[586-man] Fuck [you]586-man , [I]586-man spit , moving on , keen to divert that conversation . “[586-man] How are [you]586-man , anyway ? [He]50-sam looks knackered . “[0-i] [I]0-i thought [I]0-i ’d seen every intimate part of [[my]0-i girlfriend]1441-my girlfriend . [He]50-sam shudders . “[0-i] [I]0-i was so wrong . [I]0-i laugh , looking toward the door when [Kate]194-kate comes wobbling through . [She]194-kate looks surprisingly fresh , considering . “[0-i] [I]0-i snuck out because it ’s not visiting time and [they]1442-they wo n’t let [you]586-man in . [She]194-kate reaches [Ava]238-ava , who is fast to take [her]194-kate in a hug . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m so happy for [you]586-man . ” “[0-i] Do n’t be , [Kate]194-kate gripes . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m walking like [John Wayne]23-john for all the wrong reasons . [Her]0-i joke , delivered flat and dry , sets all of [us]2846-us off laughing . [Sam]50-sam places [Betty]424-elizabeth in [Kate]194-kate ’s arms . “[23-john] Yeah , how long until … [you]586-man know … [He]50-sam nods down at [Kate]194-kate ’s hips . [Her]194-kate look is pure filth . “[0-i] [I]0-i only have enough energy to stab [you]586-man . [She]194-kate drops a light kiss on [Betty]424-elizabeth ’s head , all the while keeping daggers on [Sam]50-sam , who ’s grinning like [a fool]742-a fool . “[0-i] It ’ll be a month at least , [I]0-i tell [[my]0-i clueless mate]1443-my clueless mate , relishing [his]1443-my clueless mate horrified look . [I]0-i feel [his]1443-my clueless mate pain . That month after [the twins]2012-the twins were born was the longest fucking month of [my]0-i life . Giving [him]1443-my clueless mate a slap on the shoulder , [I]0-i sigh , raising [my]0-i hand and gesturing some wanking action . “[0-i] Meet [[your]586-man new best friend]1443-my clueless mate . [He]1443-my clueless mate groans , and slips [his]1443-my clueless mate arm around [Kate]194-kate ’s shoulders . “[1443-my clueless mate] It ’s a good job [I]0-i love [this crazy woman]1443-my clueless mate . Let ’s get coffee before [I]0-i fall asleep here and now . [We]2012-the twins start to wander toward the small café at the end of [the corridor]195-the corridor , [Kate]194-kate wobbling along with the help of a very attentive [Sam]50-sam , [me]1443-my clueless mate and [Ava]238-ava following . [I]1443-my clueless mate look down at [her]194-kate , finding [her]194-kate thoughtful . [I]1443-my clueless mate ’m speaking before [my]1443-my clueless mate brain engages . “[1443-my clueless mate] [You]1443-my clueless mate know , if [you]1443-my clueless mate wanted another … [I]1443-my clueless mate have absolutely no fucking clue where that just came from . What the actual fuck ? Who put those words in [my]1443-my clueless mate mouth ? [I]1443-my clueless mate know who . That bastard thing called decency . Or is it guilt ? Desperation ? [I]1443-my clueless mate do n’t know , but what [I]1443-my clueless mate do know is that if [she]1443-my clueless mate really really wanted to have [another baby]1412-a baby , [I]1443-my clueless mate ’d find a way to deal with it . If only just so [she]1443-my clueless mate could be pregnant and remember it again , to go through birth and have that experience to remember . To be [a mother]2287-a mother to [a baby]1412-a baby and [a toddler]2852-a toddler . To have the first tooth and the first day of school . Pain churns in [my]1443-my clueless mate gut . It ’s only now it dawns on [me]1443-my clueless mate just how much [she]1443-my clueless mate ’s missing from [[our]2853-our children]2030-our children ’s lives , and while [I]1443-my clueless mate would love nothing more than for [her]1443-my clueless mate to have those memories back , [I]1443-my clueless mate have to accept that [they]2030-our children may not come . So maybe [I]1443-my clueless mate could give [her]1443-my clueless mate some in another way . Am [I]1443-my clueless mate being gallant ? Or have [I]1443-my clueless mate completely lost the plot ? [I]1443-my clueless mate conclude , quite speedily , that it ’s the latter . What the hell am [I]1443-my clueless mate thinking ? The sweat beads on [my]1443-my clueless mate brow are instant . “[1443-my clueless mate] Do n’t worry , [Ava]238-ava chuckles , clearly noticing [my]0-i suddenly awkward form . “[0-i] [I]0-i do n’t . ” “[0-i] Thank fuck , [I]0-i breathe , all kinds of relieved . [I]0-i do n’t think [I]0-i ’ve ever suggested anything so dumb . [I]0-i ’m fifty , for fuck ’s sake . [I]0-i ’m done making babies . Chapter 42 [We]2855-we ’re back to silence as [we]2855-we sit outside [[[Ava]238-ava ’s doctor]519-ava ’s doctor ’s office]2857-ava ’s doctor ’s office , [my]0-i foot nervously tapping the carpet until [Ava]238-ava ’s forced to reach forward and place a firm hand on [my]0-i knee to stop it . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m sorry . [I]454-jesse sigh , taking [her]238-ava hand and bringing it to [my]454-jesse mouth , kissing the back . [My]454-jesse knee starts going loopy again , adrenaline making it bounce . [I]454-jesse ca n’t stop it . [Ava]238-ava sighs , exasperated , jumping up and sitting on [my]454-jesse lap , a last - ditch attempt to get [my]454-jesse shakes under control . It ’s a ridiculous plan . [Her]238-ava weight . [My]454-jesse strength . [She]238-ava starts jerking away on [my]454-jesse lap like [she]238-ava could be vibrating . “[454-jesse] Fucking hell , [Jesse]454-jesse . [My]454-jesse trembles stop , just like that . “[454-jesse] Will [you]454-jesse watch [your]454-jesse fucking mouth ? [Her]238-ava swearing wo n’t help [me]238-ava , and neither does [her]238-ava insolence in the form of rolling eyes . “[238-ava] [Ava Ward]238-ava , [someone]293-someone calls from behind [us]2859-us before [I]238-ava can unleash more displeasure on [her]238-ava , and [I]238-ava look to see [Dr. Peters]74-dr. peters standing at [his]74-dr. peters office door . [He]74-dr. peters smiles , taking in the sight of [my]238-ava lap full of [Ava]238-ava . “[238-ava] Please , come in . [We]2859-us walk into [[his]74-dr. peters office]2860-his office and take a seat in front of [his]74-dr. peters desk . [I]238-ava flick [Ava]238-ava a look , trying to read [her]238-ava disposition once again . [She]238-ava looks perfectly cool . Content , even . “[238-ava] How are [you]238-ava , [Ava]238-ava ? [the doctor]2188-the doctor asks , slipping [his]2188-the doctor glasses on and scanning [her]238-ava medical file on [his]2188-the doctor desk . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m good , [she]238-ava replies quickly , reaching for [my]0-i hand and squeezing . “[0-i] And the headaches ? [He]2188-the doctor looks up over [his]2188-the doctor glasses and smiles a little , noting [our]2862-our held hands . “[1444-they] [They]1444-they ’ve subsided . [He]2188-the doctor starts jotting down notes . “[1444-they] What about physical movements ? [Your]238-ava coordination , for example ? ” All [I]238-ava see in [my]238-ava mind ’s eye is [Ava]238-ava ’s hand finding [my]238-ava cock with perfectly steady hands . [Her]238-ava coordination is just fine , though [I]238-ava refrain from telling the doc that . “[238-ava] [She]238-ava still has a slight limp , [I]238-ava say , knowing [Ava]238-ava wo n’t . “[238-ava] And [her]238-ava head is still fragile around the wound . ” “[238-ava] To be expected . [He]2188-the doctor gets up and circles [his]2188-the doctor desk , taking a small penlight and bending to shine it in [Ava]238-ava ’s eyes . “[238-ava] And [your]238-ava sensory functions ? [I]0-i raise [my]0-i brows , and [Ava]238-ava flicks a coy look [my]0-i way . “[0-i] [I]0-i can feel , see , smell , hear , and taste . [I]0-i smile back at [her]238-ava , despite it being inappropriate . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’ll vouch for that . [I]0-i flip [her]238-ava a wink , letting [my]0-i muscles relax for the first time since [I]0-i walked into [this office]2662-this office . “[0-i] Good . [He]2188-the doctor slips the light into [his]2188-the doctor jacket pocket and checks the site of [her]238-ava head injury , nodding happily , before checking [her]238-ava leg , too . [He]2188-the doctor returns to [his]2188-the doctor chair . “[0-i] Any breakthroughs in [your]238-ava memories ? ” Resting back , [he]2188-the doctor taps [his]2188-the doctor pen on the palm of [his]2188-the doctor spare hand . [She]238-ava shrugs , glancing at [me]0-i . “[0-i] Small things here and there . ” “[0-i] No matter how small or insignificant [they]1445-they may seem , [they]1445-they ’re all important . ” Another smile . “[1445-they] [Your]238-ava symptoms are classic to traumatic amnesia , [Ava]238-ava . [I]0-i ’m very hopeful that given time and patience , [your]238-ava memories will return . The brain is an immensely complex organ , and the function of [our]1446-our memories engages many different parts of it . In [your]238-ava case , a blow to the head has damaged the structure of [your]238-ava brain and the limbic system which controls [your]238-ava emotions and memories . ” Patience . The stuff [I]238-ava ’m not well furnished with . “[238-ava] Obviously [we]1446-our ’re focused on retrieving [your]238-ava memories , [Ava]238-ava , but may [I]0-i ask how [you]238-ava see [your]238-ava future ? [I]0-i feel [my]0-i forehead furrow with a frown , and [I]0-i look across to [Ava]238-ava . [She]238-ava ’s staring at [the doctor]2188-the doctor , seeming just as confused by [his]2188-the doctor question as [me]0-i . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m sorry , [I]0-i do n’t follow , [she]238-ava tells [him]2188-the doctor . Good . [Me]0-i either . [I]0-i redirect [my]0-i attention across the desk to find [the doctor]2188-the doctor smiling again . All these smiles are beginning to irritate [me]0-i . What ’s there to be so pleased about ? “[0-i] It ’s common for sufferers of amnesia to find it hard to imagine [their]1447-their future when so much of [their]1447-their past is missing . The past and [our]1448-our futures are linked heavily in [our]1448-our memories and [the people in [our]1448-our lives]1449-the people in our lives , so it ’s common for [patients]446-patients to struggle with the prospect of [their]446-patients future . ” “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava is not struggling with the prospect of [her]238-ava future , [I]238-ava pipe up , unable to stop [myself]238-ava . What is [he]2188-the doctor suggesting ? For the first time , [the doctor]2188-the doctor looks wary of [me]238-ava . Good . [He]2188-the doctor should be . “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava ? [he]2188-the doctor says , keeping [his]2188-the doctor eyes on [me]238-ava . “[238-ava] [I]0-i do n’t see [my]0-i future , [she]0-i says quietly , and [I]238-ava throw a look [her]0-i way , deeply injured , and very worried . What ? “[238-ava] [I]0-i feel it more than see it , [she]0-i finishes . “[0-i] With [Jesse]454-jesse and [the twins]2012-the twins . It ’s hard to explain . [She]0-i shakes [her]0-i head , frustrated . “[0-i] At first [I]0-i was frightened and confused . [I]0-i did n’t know [him]454-jesse . [I]0-i shrink into the chair , [my]0-i hand coming up to [my]0-i forehead and rubbing gently . “[0-i] But it did n’t take long for [me]0-i to realize that [I]0-i do know [him]454-jesse . Every sense [I]0-i have recognizes [him]454-jesse , even if [my]0-i stupid brain does n’t . And as for [[my]0-i children]2217-the children , [I]0-i feel like [I]0-i have a huge piece of [me]0-i missing right now , and it is n’t the memories . It ’s them . [Their]2217-the children presence . [I]0-i close [my]0-i eyes and swallow , feeling [the doctor]2188-the doctor looking at [me]0-i , judging [me]0-i . [I]0-i swear to [God]373-god , if [he]454-jesse passes comment on [my]0-i way of dealing with this , [I]0-i ’ll launch [his]454-jesse arse across [the hospital]384-the hospital . “[0-i] [I]0-i understand , [Dr. Peters]74-dr. peters replies quietly , going back to [his]74-dr. peters pad . “[0-i] When are [the children]2217-the children [home]201-home ? [I]2217-the children clear [my]2217-the children throat and pull [myself]2217-the children together , pushing back [my]2217-the children anger . “[2217-the children] [They]2217-the children ’re on [their]2217-the children way now . ” “[2217-the children] That ’s good . The sooner [Ava]238-ava gets back to real life the better . Routine is key . ” Going to [his]74-dr. peters computer , [he]74-dr. peters starts tapping away on the keyboard . “[238-ava] Try to weave some relaxed time into that routine . There are a few ways [we]1454-we could move forward . [I]0-i would recommend [an occupational therapist who can work with [you]1456-you to acquire new information to replace some of [your]1456-you lost memories]1455-an occupational therapist who can work with you to acquire new information to replace some of your lost memories . [A personal digital assistant]1457-a personal assistant may be helpful , too , in helping [you]1456-you with day - to - day life . ” “[1457-a personal assistant] [A personal assistant]1457-a personal assistant ? [I]1457-a personal assistant ask , trying [my]1457-a personal assistant damn hardest not to sound affronted . [I]1457-a personal assistant know [I]1457-a personal assistant fail when [Ava]238-ava squeezes [my]1457-a personal assistant hand , [her]1457-a personal assistant way of pleading with [me]1457-a personal assistant to keep [my]1457-a personal assistant cool . [I]1457-a personal assistant ’m struggling . “[1457-a personal assistant] [She]1457-a personal assistant does n’t need [a personal assistant]1457-a personal assistant . [She]1457-a personal assistant has [me]0-i . ” “[57-mr. ward] [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward , [you]57-mr. ward ’re misunderstanding . [I]0-i ’m talking about a device of some sort . A phone or iPad . There are some really helpful apps that would be great for [Ava]238-ava . [The doctor]2188-the doctor leaves [his]2188-the doctor keyboard and hands [me]238-ava a pile of pamphlets , which [I]238-ava take slowly . “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava will want to gain some independence back , [I]0-i ’m sure . [He]2188-the doctor looks at [Ava]238-ava , though [I]1457-a personal assistant do n’t . All [she]1457-a personal assistant needs is [me]1457-a personal assistant . “[1457-a personal assistant] [She]1457-a personal assistant may forget things , small things that happened just a day before , or even an hour . It ’s common . [He]2188-the doctor smiles reassuringly , though [I]238-ava ’m far from reassured . There have been a few occasions when [she]1457-a personal assistant ’s forgotten things . Small things . Things [I]238-ava have told [her]238-ava that have disappeared from [her]238-ava mind , and [I]238-ava ’ve had to tell [her]238-ava again . “[238-ava] With the help of a smartphone or similar , [Ava]238-ava can set [herself]1457-a personal assistant reminders for key commitments , make notes , et cetera to help [her]238-ava with everyday tasks . [I]0-i ’m sure [she]238-ava does n’t want to rely on [you]1458-you for everything , and it ’s important for [her]238-ava to have a sense of self - awareness and worth . [She]238-ava has to get back to [her]238-ava life , whether the memories come or do not . [I]238-ava ’m fucking staggered . “[238-ava] Are [you]1458-you suggesting [I]0-i just leave [her]238-ava to figure this all out on [her]238-ava own ? [The man]2289-the man ’s a twat . [Dr. Peters]74-dr. peters smiles . [I]57-mr. ward ’m close to wiping it from [his]74-dr. peters face . “[57-mr. ward] [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward , if there is one thing [I]0-i know for sure , it ’s that [you]57-mr. ward will never let [her]238-ava figure it all out on [her]238-ava own . But [you]57-mr. ward must give [her]238-ava space to breathe . ” With that , [he]57-mr. ward stands , and it ’s all [I]57-mr. ward can do not to jump across the desk and take [him]57-mr. ward out . Is [he]57-mr. ward having a dig ? “[57-mr. ward] [I]0-i ’d like to see [you]57-mr. ward again in a few weeks , [Ava]238-ava . Have a look at the literature [I]0-i ’ve given [[your]57-mr. ward husband]341-your husband . There are support groups available to [you]57-mr. ward , [[people]2279-people [you]1462-you can talk with who are in [the same boat]1463-the same boat]1461-people you can talk with who are in the same boat . [We]1464-we ’ll discuss at [your]57-mr. ward next appointment once [you]57-mr. ward ’ve had a chance to read the information . [Support group]2869-support group ? Meet new people who understand ? [I]57-mr. ward ’m hating this more and more each minute . [She]238-ava does n’t need [new people]2870-new people , [she]238-ava has [me]57-mr. ward . [I]57-mr. ward ’m [her]238-ava support . [Ava]238-ava ’s up before [I]57-mr. ward am , encouraging [me]57-mr. ward to stand . “[57-mr. ward] Thank [you]57-mr. ward . ” “[57-mr. ward] Very welcome . [I]238-ava do n’t thank [him]57-mr. ward but rather wander out silently , [my]238-ava head ringing . Space to breathe ? That ’s never been [my]238-ava strong point , and it ’s something [Ava]238-ava has gotten used to . [I]238-ava ’m set in [my]238-ava ways , and changing that has proven tricky since the moment [she]238-ava came around . [I]238-ava ’ve struggled , but held out hope that it was temporary . That [we]2871-us would return to [our]2871-us normal eventually . The prospect of having to adapt and permanently change [my]238-ava ways is daunting . And [I]238-ava honestly question whether [I]238-ava ’m capable . Where does that leave [us]2871-us ? Chapter 43 The journey [home]201-home is silent . Uncomfortable . [I]238-ava draw breath a thousand times to ask [Ava]238-ava what ’s whirling around in [her]238-ava mind , but each time [I]238-ava think better of it . Maybe because [I]238-ava ’m worried about what [she]238-ava might say . Does [she]238-ava want more space ? Does [she]238-ava think [I]238-ava ’m crowding [her]238-ava too much ? Does [she]238-ava hate [me]238-ava for sending [the kids]2010-the kids away so [I]238-ava could focus on discovering [us]2871-us again ? Question after question mounts until [my]238-ava head is pounding . “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava[I]238-ava ’m interrupted by [her]238-ava phone ringing , and [she]238-ava answers rather than letting it ring off and giving [me]238-ava [her]238-ava attention . [My]238-ava hands flex around the steering wheel , irritation heating [my]238-ava bloodstream . “[238-ava] Hi ! [She]238-ava sounds happy all of a sudden . “[238-ava] Yes , definitely . [She]238-ava laughs , and [I]238-ava frown , wondering who ’s on the line . [Kate]194-kate ’s in [hospital]1334-hospital . “[238-ava] [I]0-i ’ll see [you]0-i [there]2051-there . [She]238-ava hangs up and looks at [me]238-ava . “[238-ava] What were [you]0-i going to say ? [My]238-ava mind is blank . “[238-ava] Who was that ? ” “[116-zara] Oh , [Zara]116-zara . [She]238-ava slips [her]238-ava phone into [her]238-ava bag . [Zara]116-zara . [The friend from yoga]26-maddie . [The woman]26-maddie putting stupid ideas in [[my]116-zara wife]26-maddie ’s head about getting another job . “[116-zara] [You]0-i must meet [her]0-i . [She]0-i ’s fab . [I]0-i bite [my]0-i tongue before [we]2876-we end up in an argument . It ’s probably best [I]0-i never meet [Zara]116-zara . [I]0-i ca n’t guarantee [I]0-i ’ll hold back from putting [her]0-i straight on a few things . “[0-i] Sure . ” When [we]2876-we pull up [the driveway]542-the driveway , [I]0-i ’m about to unleash some of the questions mounting , but [Ava]238-ava speaks first , stopping [me]0-i in [my]0-i tracks . “[0-i] [Whose car]2161-the car is that ? [she]0-i asks , pointing forward , spurring [me]2010-the kids to look . [Ava]238-ava ’s parents ’ Land Rover is parked up , and the front door is wide open . “[2010-the kids] [The kids]2010-the kids are [home]201-home . ” Excitement mixed with apprehension swirls in [my]1469-i gut as [I]1469-i roll to a stop . [I]1469-i have no idea how this will play out . How will [Ava]238-ava be ? How will [the kids]2010-the kids be ? “[1469-i] [You]1469-i okay ? ” “[1469-i] Yeah . [Her]238-ava answer is quiet as [she]238-ava gets out of [the car]2161-the car , hovering by the door for a few moments after [she]238-ava ’s shut it . [I]1469-i remain in [my]1469-i seat , bracing [myself]1469-i for the reunion . [I]1469-i must n’t get emotional . [I]1469-i must n’t give [the kids]2010-the kids any cause to worry . On a deep breath , [I]1469-i exit [the car]2161-the car and circle it to collect [Ava]238-ava . [She]238-ava smiles at [me]1469-i when [I]1469-i take [her]238-ava hand . “[1469-i] Ready ? [Her]238-ava inhale is far deeper than [mine]1469-i . “[1469-i] Ready , [she]238-ava confirms , letting [me]1469-i lead [her]238-ava up to the front door . Each step [she]238-ava takes is measured , each breath audible . [She]238-ava ’s doing exactly what [I]1469-i ’m doing . Bracing [herself]238-ava . [The hallway]228-the kitchen is a mess of bags and shoes , [the house alive with the sound of [the twins]2012-the twins from [the kitchen]228-the kitchen]228-the kitchen . It ’s normal . Peeking down at [Ava]238-ava as [we]2880-we head toward the sounds , [I]1469-i find [her]238-ava smiling , a certain new lease of life in [her]238-ava eyes . That life gives [me]1469-i life , too , and [I]1469-i squeeze [her]238-ava hand , prompting [her]238-ava to look up at [me]1469-i . “[1469-i] Just tell [me]0-i if it gets too much , [I]1469-i say . “[1469-i] If [you]26-maddie need some breathing space . ” “[1469-i] From [you]26-maddie or [the children]2217-the children ? [she]238-ava asks on a cheeky hitch of [her]238-ava brows . [My]144-sarcasm scowl is playful as [I]144-sarcasm drop [her]238-ava hand and wrap an arm around [her]238-ava shoulder . “[144-sarcasm] [Sarcasm]144-sarcasm does n’t suit [you]26-maddie , [lady]26-maddie . ” “[144-sarcasm] So [you]26-maddie keep telling [me]0-i . [We]2881-we enter [the kitchen]2099-the island to find [the kids sitting at [the island]2099-the island]2883-the kids sitting at the island while [[Ava]238-ava ’s mum]2884-ava ’s mum faffs around [the space]2885-the space and [Joseph]51-joseph follows , taking orders . [Maddie]26-maddie is on [her]26-maddie iPad . [Jacob]60-jacob has [his]60-jacob finger wedged in a jar of peanut butter . It ’s like [they]2298-kids were never gone . [We]1475-we both stand in the doorway for a few moments , silent and taking in the scene . Because it ’s chaos and it ’s normal and it ’s beautiful . “[2298-kids] [Kids]2298-kids are [home]201-home , [I]2298-kids quip , and [Ava]238-ava chuckles a little , looking up at [me]2298-kids with eyes full of love . “[2298-kids] Thank [you]1474-you for the time [we]1475-we ’ve had together . ” Leaning up , [she]238-ava pushes [her]238-ava lips into [my]2298-kids cheek . “[2298-kids] It ’s truly been some of the best in [my]0-i life . [I]32-mum do n’t know whether the twinge in [my]32-mum heart is hurt or happiness . [We]1475-we ’ve had some amazing times in [our]1475-we lives . And [she]238-ava ca n’t remember any of [them]2298-kids . “[32-mum] [Mum]32-mum ! [Dad]32-mum ! [Maddie]26-maddie ’s off the stool like a whippet , racing toward [us]1475-we . [I]32-mum watch as [she]238-ava throws [her]238-ava arms around [Ava]238-ava ’s body and hugs [her]238-ava fiercely , [Jacob]60-jacob soon joining [her]238-ava . “[32-mum] Charming , [I]32-mum grumble , giving [them]2298-kids each a rub of [their]2298-kids heads . “[32-mum] [You]32-mum missed [me]0-i , too , right ? [Neither of [them]2298-kids]479-neither of them breaks free of [Ava]238-ava , and [I]32-mum do n’t hold it against [them]2298-kids . Besides , [I]32-mum ’m taking too much satisfaction and pleasure from watching the mother of [[my]32-mum children]2196-my children embracing [their]2196-my children attack , [her]238-ava eyes closed , [her]238-ava arms around [their]2196-my children backs , [her]238-ava face buried in the tops of [their]2196-my children heads . [She]238-ava ’s smelling them , breathing them in . [I]32-mum do n’t think [I]32-mum ’ve ever seen anything so wonderful . Glimpsing up at [me]32-mum , [Ava]238-ava smiles faintly , and [I]32-mum see a bit of apprehension in [her]238-ava dark brown eyes . [I]32-mum wink at [her]238-ava , [my]32-mum own silent way of telling [her]238-ava [she]238-ava ’s doing great . Releasing [her]238-ava hold of [Maddie]26-maddie , [Ava]238-ava motions for [me]32-mum to go to [her]238-ava , and as soon as [I]32-mum ’m in touching distance , [she]238-ava pulls [me]32-mum in and [I]32-mum surround [them]2888-them all with [my]32-mum arms . [[My]32-mum wife]238-ava and [[my]32-mum children]2196-my children . [My]32-mum world , all bundled safely in [my]32-mum arms . [I]32-mum have to swallow repeatedly to keep [myself]32-mum together . [The twins]2012-the twins , usually allergic to any kind of affection from [me]32-mum unless [they]2012-the twins want something , stay put , uncomplaining , until [Ava]238-ava and [I]32-mum are ready to release [them]2012-the twins . It ’s a job and a half , but [I]32-mum finally find the will to pull out , letting [them]2012-the twins all breathe again . Though [my]32-mum breath is still short , [my]32-mum heart still thumping . Overwhelmed . [I]32-mum ’m so fucking overwhelmed . [[Ava]238-ava ’s mother]32-mum and [father]2892-father move in only once [I]32-mum ’ve broken up [our]2893-our cluster of bodies , and [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth nods at [me]32-mum as [she]32-mum takes [Ava]238-ava in a hug . “[32-mum] How are [you]32-mum , [darling]32-mum ? ” “[2188-the doctor] [The doctor]2188-the doctor ’s very happy with [my]0-i progress , [she]32-mum replies , because that is all there is to say . “[2188-the doctor] [I]0-i ’m just glad [the kids]2010-the kids are back and [we]1479-we can try to get on with things . [Joseph]51-joseph moves in and shakes [my]2188-the doctor hand as [the kids]2010-the kids stand close by , [their]2010-the kids faces eager for some information . What to tell [them]2010-the kids has [my]2188-the doctor mind twisting . “[2188-the doctor] Good to see [you]32-mum , [Jesse]454-jesse , [Joseph]51-joseph says , following up [his]51-joseph handshake with a firm slap to [my]454-jesse shoulder . “[454-jesse] How were [the kids]2010-the kids ? ” “[2010-the kids] Terrible , [he]51-joseph mutters , though [his]51-joseph tone is joking . “[2010-the kids] Disobedient , no manners , and constantly moaning . ” “[51-joseph] Oh , [Joseph]51-joseph , [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth laughs , giving [my]51-joseph arm a little rub as [she]32-mum passes [me]51-joseph . “[51-joseph] [I]0-i noticed [you]51-joseph had nothing in the cupboards so [I]0-i popped to [the supermarket]1480-the supermarket . [She]32-mum starts emptying bags , stocking up the fridge . “[0-i] Milk , bread . ” “[0-i] Thanks , [Mum]32-mum . [I]32-mum point [Ava]238-ava to a stool . “[32-mum] Sit . [She]32-mum settles at [the island]2099-the island while [I]32-mum help [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth unload the groceries , and [I]32-mum listen as [Ava]238-ava walks [the kids]2010-the kids through everything [the doctor]2188-the doctor just told [us]1481-we . [She]32-mum smiles the whole time , telling [them]2010-the kids [she]32-mum ’s happy and [they]2010-the kids should be , too . “[32-mum] And now [I]0-i have [you]0-i two back , [we]1481-we can do exactly that , [she]32-mum chirps . “[32-mum] Get back to normal . ” “[32-mum] What about [your]0-i memories ? [Jacob]60-jacob asks , reclaiming [his]60-jacob peanut butter . “[1481-we] Will [they]1481-we ever come back ? ” “[2188-the doctor] [The doctor]2188-the doctor is very positive , [Ava]238-ava replies , looking up at [me]2188-the doctor . “[2188-the doctor] And if [they]1481-we do n’t , then [we]1481-we make new ones . [I]2188-the doctor smile , despite [myself]2188-the doctor , feeling [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth ’s hand on [my]2188-the doctor arm . [I]2188-the doctor look at [[my]2188-the doctor mother]424-elizabeth - in - law and see encouragement reflecting back at [me]2188-the doctor . “[2188-the doctor] Thank [you]0-i for having [them]1481-we , [I]2188-the doctor say sincerely . To which [she]424-elizabeth smacks [my]2188-the doctor arm before taking the empty carrier bag from [my]2188-the doctor hand . “[2188-the doctor] Shut up , [she]424-elizabeth orders , stuffing it in the bin . [I]1256-dad roll [my]1256-dad eyes , wandering over to [[my]1256-dad wife]424-elizabeth and [kids]2298-kids and getting in on the excited conversation . [I]1256-dad put [myself]1256-dad behind [Ava]238-ava and curl [my]1256-dad arms around [her]238-ava waist , resting [my]1256-dad chin on [her]238-ava shoulder . [Her]238-ava hands land on [mine]1256-dad , and [she]238-ava cranes [her]238-ava neck to get [me]1256-dad in [her]238-ava sights . “[1256-dad] Oh , [Dad]1256-dad , please , [Maddie]26-maddie sighs , losing all interest in the conversation and going back to [her]238-ava iPad . Whereas [Jacob]60-jacob looks completely and utterly thrilled by [my]1256-dad public display of affection . Of course [he]60-jacob is . It ’s normal for [Dad]1256-dad to be all over [Mum]32-mum . [He]60-jacob grins around [his]60-jacob peanut - butter - covered finger , [his]60-jacob attention set firmly on [us]2898-us . [Ava]238-ava sighs , leaning back into [me]1256-dad a little . “[1256-dad] It feels right already , [she]238-ava says , looking a little sad , like [she]238-ava now appreciates how much [she]238-ava ’s missed [them]2899-them . “[1256-dad] Because it is right . [I]1256-dad kiss [her]238-ava hair before breaking away . “[1256-dad] Now , what am [I]0-i doing for dinner ? [I]26-maddie get three different menu choices thrown at [me]26-maddie all at once . And [I]26-maddie smile . Because this is [us]2898-us . Chapter 44 It takes [me]26-maddie one second flat to figure out what ’s not right when [my]26-maddie brain wakes the next morning . [Ava]238-ava ’s not in bed with [me]26-maddie . Then another second to break into a panic . Where is [she]238-ava ? And another second to get [myself]26-maddie out of bed and out of [the bedroom]228-the kitchen . [I]26-maddie sprint around [the landing]679-the landing and down [the stairs]244-the stairs like a loon , skidding into [the kitchen]228-the kitchen . [I]26-maddie find [Maddie]26-maddie at [the island]2099-the island eating [her]26-maddie breakfast . “[26-maddie] Oh [[my]0-i God]26-maddie ! [Her]26-maddie horrified screech pierces [my]26-maddie ears , [her]26-maddie spoon halfway to [her]26-maddie mouth . [Her]26-maddie eyes are wide for the brief moment [I]26-maddie see them before [she]26-maddie swings back around on [her]26-maddie stool , away from [me]26-maddie . “[26-maddie] Seriously , [Dad]1256-dad ! ” For a moment , [I]26-maddie ’m confused . Then [I]26-maddie register the reason for [her]26-maddie alarm . On a cringe , [I]26-maddie look down [my]26-maddie front . [My]26-maddie naked front . Shit ! “[26-maddie] Where ’s [[your]1256-dad mum]513-your mum ? [I]454-jesse ask , taking [my]454-jesse hands to [my]454-jesse groin and cupping [myself]454-jesse . [I]454-jesse die a little on the inside , though [I]454-jesse do n’t beat a hasty retreat . [I]454-jesse ’m too worried . [Her]26-maddie arm shoots out toward [the utility room]2904-the utility room , just as [Ava]238-ava appears with a basket of washing in [her]26-maddie hands . [I]454-jesse get the same reaction from [[my]454-jesse wife]26-maddie as [I]454-jesse do [[my]454-jesse daughter]26-maddie . The basket full of washing hits the ground , followed by a shriek . “[454-jesse] [Jesse]454-jesse , what the hell ? [Ava]238-ava snatches a tea towel off the counter and rushes over , making quick work of covering [me]454-jesse up . “[454-jesse] [You]454-jesse were n’t in bed , [I]0-i snap , letting loose an unhappy scowl . “[0-i] [I]0-i was worried . ” Dark chocolate strands of hair frame [her]238-ava face as [she]238-ava gives [me]0-i a tired look . “[0-i] [The kids]2010-the kids are back at [school]2011-school today . [I]0-i needed a head start . ” “[0-i] [You]454-jesse should have woken [me]0-i up . [I]0-i just had twenty heart attacks between [here]2274-here and [the bedroom]302-the bedroom , [Ava]238-ava . ” “[238-ava] [You]454-jesse were tired . ” “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m not tired , [I]0-i retort , while [she]238-ava continues to arrange the small square of cloth over [my]0-i nether regions . “[0-i] Never leave [our]1489-our bed without telling [me]0-i . [You]454-jesse ’ll kill [me]0-i off . ” “[454-jesse] Stop being so dramatic . ” While [she]238-ava ’s down there determinedly trying to conceal [my]454-jesse dignity , [her]238-ava hand brushes the underside of [my]454-jesse cock , waking the frisky fucker up . [I]454-jesse inhale sharply , as does [Ava]238-ava , watching as the material moves with the help of [my]454-jesse growing erection . Biting [her]238-ava lip furiously , [she]238-ava shakes [her]238-ava head . And here [we]1489-our are , back to that blessed thing called self - control . “[454-jesse] For fuck ’s sake , [I]454-jesse mumble under [my]454-jesse breath . “[454-jesse] Are there any shorts in that basket ? [Snapping]145-snapping to life , [Ava]238-ava darts across to where [she]238-ava abandoned the washing and rifles through . “[1490-baby girl] Here ! [She]238-ava pulls out a black pair and chucks them across to [me]0-i . Making sure [Maddie]26-maddie remains facing away from [me]0-i , [I]0-i replace the pathetic towel with the shorts . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m decent , [baby girl]1490-baby girl , [I]1490-baby girl tell [her]1490-baby girl . “[1490-baby girl] [You]1490-baby girl ’re sooooo embarrassing . [I]1490-baby girl plonk [myself]1490-baby girl on the stool next to [her]1490-baby girl and chuck the tea towel at [Ava]238-ava . It hits [her]1490-baby girl in the chest and falls to the floor , [her]1490-baby girl hands not even coming up to try to catch it . Because [she]1490-baby girl ’s too busy indulging in [my]1490-baby girl chest . [I]1490-baby girl pout and look down [my]1490-baby girl fine front , peeking up at [her]1490-baby girl through [my]1490-baby girl lashes . “[1490-baby girl] Breakfast ? [I]1490-baby girl ask , [my]1490-baby girl question bringing [her]1490-baby girl eyes to [mine]1490-baby girl . [They]2905-they roll as [she]1490-baby girl picks up the basket , before warily flicking to [[our]2906-our daughter]238-ava . “[1490-baby girl] Behave , [she]1490-baby girl mouths , disappearing back into [the utility room]2904-the utility room . [I]1490-baby girl laugh under [my]1490-baby girl breath . Behave ? Never . “[1490-baby girl] How long have [you]1491-you been up ? [I]1491-you call , searching [the island]2099-the island for a pot of coffee . No coffee . “[1491-you] Six thirty , [Ava]238-ava replies as [I]26-maddie make [my]26-maddie way to the coffee machine and fire it up , not allowing the fact that it ’s not prepared already bother [me]26-maddie . “[26-maddie] But [Maddie]26-maddie was down here before [me]0-i . [She]238-ava was ? [I]26-maddie look back at [[my]26-maddie daughter]238-ava on a raised brow , and [she]238-ava shrugs around [her]238-ava mouthful of cereal . [She]238-ava usually needs a rocket up [her]238-ava arse to get [her]238-ava out of bed . “[26-maddie] Thought [I]0-i could get [my]0-i own breakfast this morning . [I]32-mum smile fondly , flipping [her]238-ava a wink . “[32-mum] [Good girl]32-mum . [She]32-mum ’s trying to help , anything to lessen the pressure on [Ava]238-ava ’s shoulders . [I]238-ava ’m about to switch on the coffeemaker when [I]238-ava hear cursing from [the utility room]2904-the utility room . [I]238-ava sigh and look up at the ceiling . [Lord]238-ava , give [me]238-ava strength . “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava , [I]238-ava warn . [My]238-ava day is n’t getting off to the best start . Heart attacks . Swearing . “[238-ava] Shit , it ca n’t be that hard , [I]238-ava hear [her]238-ava grumble as [I]238-ava head [her]238-ava way , finding [her]238-ava staring at the washing machine . “[238-ava] [I]0-i wo n’t tell [you]32-mum again , watch [your]32-mum damn mouth , [I]238-ava hiss , resting [my]238-ava shoulder on the door as [she]238-ava stares at the buttons embellishing the front , completely ignoring [me]238-ava . “[238-ava] What ’s up ? [She]238-ava sighs . “[0-i] [I]0-i do n’t know how to use the washing machine . [She]238-ava proceeds to smack buttons on the front and twist knobs randomly , getting increasingly annoyed . “[0-i] How hard can it be ? [I]0-i join [her]238-ava by the machine and take [her]238-ava hand gently before [she]238-ava breaks the damn thing . “[0-i] Take it easy , [I]0-i say , all soothingly . “[0-i] [We]1493-i ’ll figure it out together . [I]1493-i bend and scan the millions of buttons on the front , [Ava]238-ava joining [me]1493-i . [Jesus]26-maddie , what do [they]1493-i all do ? What ’s all this rinse and spin business ? [I]1493-i bite the corner of [my]1493-i lip , wondering where the manual might be . “[1493-i] [You]1494-you cheeky bastard do n’t know how to use it , do [you]1494-you cheeky bastard ? [she]238-ava says , a little teasingly . [I]1494-you cheeky bastard honestly do n’t . “[1494-you cheeky bastard] Not a fucking clue , [I]1494-you cheeky bastard admit unashamedly , slowly casting [my]1494-you cheeky bastard eyes to [hers]238-ava . “[1494-you cheeky bastard] The washing has always been [your]1494-you cheeky bastard area of expertise . ” “[1494-you cheeky bastard] [[You]1494-you cheeky bastard cheeky bastard]1494-you cheeky bastard ! [she]238-ava gasps , outraged , smacking [my]1494-you cheeky bastard arm . “[1494-you cheeky bastard] Mouth ! ” “[1494-you cheeky bastard] Shut up . And what ’s [your]1494-you cheeky bastard area of expertise ? [My]1494-you cheeky bastard irritation dissipates , and [I]1494-you cheeky bastard laugh , seizing [her]238-ava and mauling [her]238-ava neck for a few precious moments , sneakily flexing [my]1494-you cheeky bastard hips into [hers]238-ava . “[1494-you cheeky bastard] What do [you]1494-you cheeky bastard think [my]0-i area of expertise is ? [She]238-ava chuckles and tries to swat [me]1494-you cheeky bastard away , with little success . [I]1494-you cheeky bastard have a firm hold , and [I]1494-you cheeky bastard ’m not letting go . “[1494-you cheeky bastard] So [you]1494-you cheeky bastard ’re good for one thing and one thing alone ? ” Picking [her]238-ava up , [I]1494-you cheeky bastard sit [her]238-ava on the counter and take [her]238-ava hips . [Her]238-ava smile is dreamy . Gorgeous . And [her]238-ava eyes bright , considering the time of day . “[1494-you cheeky bastard] [I]0-i ’m [an expert]1495-an expert at most things [I]0-i do . [I]1494-you cheeky bastard ’m not boasting . [I]1494-you cheeky bastard am . [I]1494-you cheeky bastard tug [her]238-ava forward until [her]238-ava crotch hits [mine]1494-you cheeky bastard , reawakening [my]1494-you cheeky bastard dick . [I]1494-you cheeky bastard look down and sigh . “[1494-you cheeky bastard] Oh dear . ” “[1494-you cheeky bastard] Oh dear , [she]238-ava counters , pulling [my]1494-you cheeky bastard face up and covering [my]1494-you cheeky bastard mouth with [hers]238-ava , encasing [my]1494-you cheeky bastard naked shoulders in [her]238-ava arms . Good fucking morning . And welcome [home]201-home . “[1494-you cheeky bastard] [I]0-i need to get [the kids]2010-the kids ready for [school]2011-school , [she]238-ava murmurs , nipping the end of [my]2010-the kids tongue . Right on cue , [we]1499-i hear the sleepy call of [Jacob]60-jacob from [the kitchen]228-the kitchen . “[2010-the kids] [They]2010-the kids ’re snogging in [the utility room]2904-the utility room , [Maddie]26-maddie informs [him]60-jacob tiredly . “[2010-the kids] Looks like [we]1499-i ’re back to normal . ” Back to normal . Not quite . But knowing [the kids]2010-the kids get reassurance from seeing [me]1499-i and [Ava]238-ava up to [our]1499-i old tricks does something sweet to [me]1499-i . Is it that simple for [them]2010-the kids ? Just to have [[their]2010-the kids mum]2201-their mum and [dad]2200-their dad here together , loving each other , being [their]2010-the kids normal selves , even if [we]1499-i ’re not ? [I]1499-i was starting to feel guilty about sending [them]2010-the kids away . Now , [I]1499-i ’m more sure than ever that [I]1499-i did the right thing by [them]2010-the kids . Those first few days after [I]1499-i brought [Ava]238-ava [home]201-home were hell . The emotions , the screaming , the distress . [I]1499-i would n’t want [them]2010-the kids to see [[their]2010-the kids mum]2201-their mum so lost and [[their]2010-the kids dad]2200-their dad so hopeless . That time with [us]1499-i alone was precious . It was needed . For [Ava]238-ava to discover who [I]1499-i am and what [I]1499-i stand for , and for [her]238-ava to accept it . And [she]238-ava does . Thankfully , [she]238-ava does . [I]1499-i ’m pulled from [my]1499-i thoughts by a gentle tap on [my]1499-i shoulder and [I]1499-i breathe in , looking into the eyes that have ruled [me]1499-i from day one . [I]1499-i spend a few moments rearranging [her]238-ava dark waves over [her]238-ava shoulders before picking [her]238-ava up off the counter and setting [her]238-ava on [her]238-ava feet . “[1499-i] [You]1500-i are relieved of duty . [I]1500-i swat [her]238-ava arse and send [her]238-ava on [her]238-ava way , [her]238-ava coy look over [her]238-ava shoulder doing nothing to help the situation behind [my]1500-i shorts . [I]1500-i flash [her]238-ava a warning look , but [she]238-ava just grins in the way [she]238-ava does . As soon as [she]238-ava ’s gone , [I]1500-i give the washing machine a good whack , and nod , satisfied , when [I]1500-i hear water rushing into the drum . “[1500-i] Morning , [Mum]32-mum , [I]32-mum hear [Jacob]60-jacob chime when [Ava]238-ava enters [the kitchen]228-the kitchen , [me]32-mum following behind . [He]60-jacob ’s scanning the boxes of cereal on [the island]2099-the island , [all six of [them]2918-all six of them]2918-all six of them . [Ava]238-ava must have got every type [we]2919-we have from [the pantry]228-the kitchen , covering all angles , [I]32-mum guess . “[32-mum] Where ’s [[my]0-i favorite]1501-my favorite ? [he]60-jacob asks . All angles , except [[Jacob]60-jacob ’s favorite]1501-my favorite . [Ava]238-ava ’s face falls , along with [my]32-mum heart , and [Maddie]26-maddie gives [[her]26-maddie brother]240-my boy a quick kick in the shin . “[32-mum] Stupid , [she]26-maddie snipes . [I]32-mum die a little on the inside when [Ava]238-ava looks across at [me]32-mum , [her]26-maddie eyes watering . “[32-mum] It ’s nothing . [I]32-mum shoot to the cupboard and snatch down [Jacob]60-jacob ’s [Pop - Tarts]146-pop - tarts , quickly shoving two in the toaster . “[32-mum] See ? Done . ” “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m sorry , [Mum]32-mum . [[My]238-ava boy]240-my boy ’s face is so remorseful , and [I]238-ava ’m torn between comforting [him]240-my boy or going to [Ava]238-ava . [My]238-ava decision is made for [me]238-ava when [Ava]238-ava hastily escapes [the kitchen]228-the kitchen . [My]238-ava shoulders drop , and [I]238-ava look to [the kids]2010-the kids as [they]2010-the kids watch [[their]2010-the kids mum]32-mum rush away , [her]238-ava hands wiping at [her]238-ava face . Fucking hell . After a quick , reassuring rub of [their]2010-the kids heads , [I]238-ava go after [Ava]238-ava , finding [her]238-ava in [the downstairs bathroom]2923-the downstairs bathroom snatching tissue from the roll . “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava , [baby]238-ava . [I]238-ava step in and close the door behind [me]238-ava . “[238-ava] It ’s no big deal . [My]0-i heart cracks clean in two when [she]238-ava turns to face [me]0-i , [her]238-ava bottom lip quivering , tears rolling down [her]238-ava cheeks . “[0-i] [I]0-i do n’t even know what [[my]0-i son]1502-my son ’s favorite breakfast is . [Her]238-ava voice cracks and [her]238-ava chin drops . “[2287-a mother] What kind of [mother]2287-a mother am [I]0-i ? ” That right there sends [me]2287-a mother into the realms of crazy mad before [I]2287-a mother can stop it , [my]2287-a mother hand reaching forward and snatching away the tissue that ’s on its way to [her]238-ava face . “[2287-a mother] [You]1504-you stop that now , [I]1504-you order , more harshly than [I]1504-you meant . [Her]238-ava wide eyes watch [me]1504-you warily , the tears still streaming down [her]238-ava cheeks . Crowding [her]238-ava , [I]1504-you grab [her]238-ava face and push [my]1504-you forehead to [hers]238-ava , drilling into [her]238-ava with pissed - off eyes . “[1504-you] Never , ever , doubt [your]1504-you abilities as [a mother]2287-a mother , do [you]1504-you hear [me]0-i ? [She]238-ava nods . “[0-i] Good . [I]0-i push [my]0-i lips to [hers]238-ava and kiss [her]238-ava hard . “[0-i] Now wipe those eyes and get [your]1504-you arse back in [that kitchen]228-the kitchen . ” “[0-i] Okay . [She]238-ava does n’t argue or protest , sniffing back [her]238-ava emotion and pulling [herself]238-ava together . “[0-i] Can [I]0-i have the tissue back ? ” “[0-i] No . [I]0-i take [my]0-i thumbs and drag them across [her]238-ava cheeks , clearing up the evidence of [her]238-ava tears . “[0-i] Off [you]1504-you go . ” Turning [her]238-ava by [her]238-ava shoulders , [I]0-i walk [her]238-ava back to [the kitchen]228-the kitchen , only releasing [her]238-ava after [I]0-i ’ve squeezed a little reassurance into [her]238-ava with a flex of [my]0-i hands . [She]238-ava nods in understanding and goes to the cupboard to get a plate for [Jacob]60-jacob , taking [his]60-jacob Pop - Tarts from the toaster and sliding [them]2924-them across [the island]2099-the island to [him]60-jacob . “[0-i] Thanks , [Mum]32-mum . [He]60-jacob bites [his]60-jacob lip , flicking [his]60-jacob eyes to [me]32-mum nervously . “[32-mum] What ? [Ava]238-ava asks , looking to [me]32-mum , too . “[32-mum] Nothing . [I]32-mum scoot over to the fridge and grab the peanut butter , handing it to [Jacob]60-jacob , who proceeds to smother it over [his]60-jacob Pop - Tarts . “[32-mum] Oh . [Ava]238-ava ’s shoulders sag as [she]238-ava watches , a grimace growing across [her]238-ava face . “[32-mum] Of course [he]1506-he smothers [his]1506-he breakfast in peanut butter . ” “[1506-he] [You]32-mum ’re disgusting , [Maddie]26-maddie snorts as [she]238-ava leaves [the kitchen]228-the kitchen . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m going to get showered . ” “[0-i] And [I]0-i ’m going to make lunchboxes . [Ava]238-ava swirls around and scans the cupboards . “[0-i] Top left , [I]0-i remind [her]238-ava , going about finishing the coffee [I]0-i started . When [I]0-i ’m done , [I]0-i take a seat next to [[my]0-i boy]60-jacob and open [my]0-i mouth for [him]60-jacob to share , smiling as [he]60-jacob pushes the last bit of [his]60-jacob breakfast into [my]0-i mouth . “[0-i] Go get a shower , [I]0-i tell [him]60-jacob , and [he]60-jacob ’s off quickly , leaving [me]0-i and [Ava]238-ava alone in [the kitchen]228-the kitchen . [I]0-i look across to [[my]0-i wife]238-ava , thoughtful as [I]0-i devour the jar of peanut butter . [I]0-i ’ve been so transfixed on all the major things [she]238-ava needs to learn that the simple things , such as [the kids]2010-the kids ’ favorite breakfast , never crossed [my]0-i mind as something to get upset about . So trivial . Yet so eye - opening . One minute [I]0-i ’m high on hope , feeling the love and feelings pouring out of [[my]0-i wife]238-ava , the next [I]0-i ’m being brought back down to [earth]471-earth by something stupid like [Pop - Tarts]146-pop - tarts . But , as [I]0-i keep reminding [myself]0-i , this is a marathon . Not a sprint . [I]0-i take a sip of [my]0-i coffee as [I]0-i watch [Ava]238-ava standing before the open fridge . [She]238-ava ’s still . Staring ahead . [I]0-i frown and set [my]0-i mug down , watching [her]238-ava shoulders begin to jump up and down discreetly . Concerned , [I]0-i get up and go to [her]238-ava , turning [her]238-ava around until [I]0-i have [her]238-ava face . Tears are gushing from [her]238-ava eyes , streaking down [her]238-ava cheeks , and splashing [her]238-ava T - shirt . “[0-i] [I]0-i do n’t know what [they]1507-they like in [their]1507-they lunchboxes , either , [she]238-ava sobs , each word a helpless croak . “[1507-they] Hey . [I]26-maddie lower [my]26-maddie face to [hers]238-ava , nuzzling , coating [my]26-maddie cheeks in [her]238-ava tears , too . [We]2930-we ’re in this together , stress , love , despair … and tears . Even if [I]26-maddie ’m not crying [them]1507-they , [they]1507-they ’re [mine]26-maddie , too . [I]26-maddie do n’t get the chance to pick [her]238-ava up ; [she]238-ava grabs [me]26-maddie first , throwing [her]238-ava arms around [my]26-maddie neck and practically crawling up [my]26-maddie front . What can [I]26-maddie do ? There ’s no easy fix . It ’s just a matter of time and that fucking thing called patience . [I]26-maddie carry [her]238-ava to a stool and get [her]238-ava comfortable on [my]26-maddie lap , [her]238-ava legs straddling [me]26-maddie , [her]238-ava face hiding in [my]26-maddie chest , [her]238-ava tears soaking into [my]26-maddie skin . With [my]26-maddie face in [her]238-ava hair , [I]26-maddie sigh , cuddling [her]238-ava close . Just giving [her]238-ava the time [she]238-ava needs to get this out of [her]238-ava system . It ’s just another part of this excruciating process . One more bump in [this rocky road]2931-this rocky road . How many more bumps , knock - backs , and cries are to come is daunting . But [I]26-maddie need to be strong . [The man [she]26-maddie married]2932-the man she married . “[26-maddie] [Maddie]26-maddie loves [Marmite]147-marmite in [her]26-maddie sandwiches , [I]60-jacob say into [her]26-maddie hair . “[60-jacob] And [Jacob]60-jacob likes — ” “[60-jacob] Peanut butter , [she]26-maddie sniffles , dragging [her]26-maddie heavy head up until [she]26-maddie has [my]0-i eyes . [I]0-i smile , taking [her]26-maddie hands and holding them between [our]2933-our chests . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m with [you]1508-you all the way , [baby]26-maddie . Highs and lows , good and bad , [I]0-i ’m here by [your]1508-you side . To help [you]1508-you , to wipe [your]1508-you tears , to love [you]1508-you . [I]0-i love [you]1508-you so fucking much , [lady]26-maddie . [I]26-maddie kiss [her]26-maddie cheek , hovering there for a few seconds , inhaling [her]26-maddie into [me]26-maddie . “[26-maddie] Never give up , do [you]1508-you hear [me]0-i ? [We]1510-we have too much to fight for . [Her]26-maddie little sob is one full of emotion and relief . “[1510-we] Falling in love with [you]1508-you again was easy , [she]26-maddie murmurs , so quietly . “[1510-we] This , though . [The children]2217-the children . [I]0-i love [them]2217-the children . [I]0-i did n’t need to fall , [I]0-i just looked at [them]2217-the children and knew . But part of being [a good mother]1512-a good mother is n’t just loving [them]2217-the children unconditionally . It ’s knowing [them]2217-the children inside out . What [they]2217-the children like , what [they]2217-the children hate . [Her]26-maddie eyes close , [her]26-maddie reality too much to bear , and [I]2217-the children clasp the back of [her]26-maddie head gently and tug [her]26-maddie into [my]2217-the children embrace . “[2217-the children] [I]0-i feel more lost now than ever . Just the look on [their]2217-the children faces when [I]0-i get something wrong . ” “[2217-the children] Stop it , [I]2217-the children order . “[2217-the children] Right this minute . ” “[0-i] [I]0-i just hate disappointing [them]2217-the children . ” “[0-i] [You]0-i do n’t disappoint [them]2217-the children by forgetting what shit [they]2217-the children like in [their]2217-the children sandwich or what [they]2217-the children have for breakfast . The only way [you]0-i could disappoint [them]2217-the children is by not loving [them]2217-the children . By giving up . Am [I]0-i going to have to take [you]0-i [upstairs]589-upstairs and give [you]0-i a Reminder Fuck ? [I]0-i ’m deadly serious , too , so [she]0-i better not question [my]0-i threat . “[0-i] A reminder ? ” Looking up at [me]0-i , [she]0-i sniffles through a little laugh . “[0-i] Yes , a reminder . [I]454-jesse stand and [she]0-i slides down [my]454-jesse front to [her]0-i feet . Slowly . [Her]0-i palms on [my]454-jesse bare chest . [Her]0-i gaze there , too . Lust - filled . [I]454-jesse smile on the inside , because no matter how shit the timing is , [I]454-jesse ’ve distracted [her]0-i from [her]0-i downheartedness , and for that [I]454-jesse will never apologize . Distracting [her]0-i has always been [my]454-jesse area of expertise . [I]454-jesse ’m so thankful that ’s not lost . Placing [my]454-jesse hand between [her]0-i thighs , [I]454-jesse cup [her]0-i , forcing [her]0-i to breathe in deep . “[454-jesse] [Jesse]454-jesse . [Her]0-i voice cracks with the fiery passion displayed in [her]0-i brown eyes , though [she]0-i makes no attempt to escape [me]454-jesse . [I]454-jesse drag [my]454-jesse hand up to [her]0-i hip on a smile and clamp lightly down on [her]0-i tickle spot . That breath [she]0-i was holding spills free , though [she]0-i does n’t move a muscle . “[454-jesse] Tell [me]0-i [you]194-kate ’ll never question [your]194-kate capabilities as [a mother]2287-a mother again , [I]194-kate command , flexing [my]194-kate hand just a fraction to give [her]0-i a hint of the torture [she]0-i ’s about to endure should [she]0-i deny [me]194-kate . “[194-kate] Go on , [baby]194-kate . ” “[194-kate] [I]0-i ’ll never question it again . ” The words pour from [her]0-i mouth fast , hardly audible . [I]194-kate pinch down and [she]0-i bucks on a sharp squeal . “[194-kate] What was that ? [My]194-kate smiling face gets close to [her]0-i scowling face . “[194-kate] Say it again . Slowly so [I]0-i can hear [you]194-kate . ” “[0-i] [I]0-i ’ll . Never . Doubt . [Myself]0-i . Again . ” The second [she]0-i ’s spelled out [my]0-i demand , [she]0-i sucks in more air and holds it , waiting , bracing [herself]0-i . [I]0-i hold [her]0-i on the cusp of anticipation for a few moments , before shifting [my]0-i hand to [her]0-i thighs again and going in for the kill , slamming [my]0-i mouth to [hers]0-i and walking [us]2934-us to the nearest wall . This weapon , [my]0-i ability to bring [her]0-i back around , to distract [her]0-i from some of [her]0-i misery , is all [I]0-i have , and [I]0-i ’ll use it with no remorse or hesitation . The feel of [her]0-i soft boobs squished against [my]0-i hard chest , every curve [she]0-i has melding into every sharp muscle on [me]0-i , ramps up [my]0-i need . Not great when [the kids]2010-the kids are within screaming distance . Not great at all . It does n’t stop [me]0-i attacking [her]0-i lips with force , though , exploring [her]0-i mouth as keenly as [she]0-i ’s exploring [mine]0-i , [her]0-i fingernails ravaging [my]0-i shoulders and back , [her]0-i whimpers of pleasure sinking into [my]0-i brain and making [my]0-i head spin with want rather than frustration . “[0-i] Later . [I]0-i bite on [her]0-i lip and tug back , until it pops free of [my]0-i teeth . “[0-i] [You]26-maddie are at [my]0-i mercy , [lady]26-maddie . ” “[26-maddie] Are n’t [I]0-i always ? ” Firm fists grab [my]0-i hair and yank , pulling [me]0-i back onto [her]0-i mouth . “[0-i] And do n’t [you]26-maddie forget it . [We]2936-we ’re all clashing lips and teeth , rushed and clumsy . [She]0-i thrusts [her]0-i hips forward , catching [my]1256-dad tented shorts . “[1256-dad] [Dad]1256-dad ! [Maddie]26-maddie ’s shrill shriek lands in [the kitchen]228-the kitchen with a bang and bats down [my]1256-dad throbbing cock . Just like that . “[1256-dad] [Dad]1256-dad ! [I]1256-dad fold , unimpressed , though [Ava]238-ava laughs , taking the edge off [my]1256-dad annoyance . Having [her]238-ava to [myself]1256-dad , albeit traumatic at times , was a rare treat . Being able to indulge [her]238-ava when [I]1256-dad wanted was a blessing , especially given the circumstances . That connection was key . Not having to worry about being caught by [the kids]2010-the kids was a weight off [my]1256-dad mind . A light wave of guilt passes over [me]1256-dad for being so selfish . Growling , [I]1256-dad yank [myself]1256-dad away from [Ava]238-ava and push [her]238-ava hair off [her]238-ava sticky cheek . “[1256-dad] No more tears , [I]1256-dad order , heading to the [kitchen]2939-kitchen door . “[1256-dad] What ’s up ? [I]0-i call to [Maddie]26-maddie . “[0-i] [I]0-i ca n’t find [my]0-i school uniform . ” “[0-i] [Me]0-i either , [Jacob]60-jacob chimes in , appearing at the top of the stairs in [his]60-jacob boxers . [I]0-i would n’t have a fucking clue where to start looking for school uniforms . And [I]0-i just know [Ava]238-ava wo n’t now , either . When [she]238-ava joins [me]0-i at the bottom of [the stairs]244-the stairs , [I]0-i half expect [her]238-ava to break down once more , and so do [the twins]2012-the twins , judging by [their]2012-the twins wary expressions . But instead , [she]238-ava breathes in and starts making [her]238-ava way up to [them]2012-the twins . “[0-i] If [we]1517-we ca n’t find them , [you]1518-you ’ll just have to go naked . ” “[0-i] Urghhhhh , gross ! [Maddie]26-maddie laughs , watching as [Ava]238-ava passes , [her]238-ava eyes sparkling in happiness . “[0-i] Would n’t bother [me]0-i . [Jacob]60-jacob shrugs and looks down at [me]1519-my , like What ’s the problem ? “[1519-my] [He]1519-my clearly gets [his]1519-my confidence from [you]1518-you , [Ava]238-ava calls , sending [me]1519-my a pointed look . And [I]1519-my grin , so fucking proud of [[my]1519-my wife]2010-the kids . And of [[my]1519-my kids]2010-the kids . Of [all of [them]2010-the kids]2010-the kids . [We]1517-we ’re [a team]2943-a team . [We]1517-we can get through anything . Chapter 45 [Ava]238-ava [I]1519-my wake this morning like [I]1519-my ’ve woken every other morning for the past six weeks since [the kids]2010-the kids got [home]201-home : with [Jesse]454-jesse pressed into [my]1519-my back , [his]454-jesse lips kissing down [my]1519-my spine slowly and lazily . It ’s blissful , mind - blanking . And , as always , [I]1519-my melt under the warmth of [his]454-jesse mouth rousing [me]1519-my from [my]1519-my dreams . [I]1519-my close [my]1519-my eyes again and let [him]454-jesse take [me]1519-my to paradise , let [my]1519-my body soften , and let [my]1519-my senses take over . The friction of [our]1517-we skin rubbing together takes [me]1519-my from warm to blazing . The feel of [his]454-jesse morning arousal brushing [my]1519-my thighs and arse takes [me]1519-my from wanting to silently begging . The feel of [his]454-jesse breath layering every part of [my]1519-my skin it touches takes [me]1519-my from hungry to starving . [I]1519-my reach back , pushing [my]1519-my fingers through [his]454-jesse morning mess of hair , sighing [my]1519-my contentment , bowing [my]1519-my body into [his]454-jesse . “[1519-my] Morning , [lady]26-maddie , [he]454-jesse murmurs between nibbles of [my]26-maddie shoulder , rolling [his]454-jesse hips into [my]26-maddie arse . “[26-maddie] [You]26-maddie ready for [me]0-i ? ” “[26-maddie] Always . ” It ’s the truth . [My]26-maddie body responds to [him]454-jesse instinctively . [My]26-maddie need for [him]454-jesse is unrelenting . One sharp thrust puts [him]454-jesse inside [me]26-maddie , deep and high , [my]26-maddie fingers gripping [his]454-jesse hair as [I]26-maddie cry out , [his]454-jesse teeth nipping [my]26-maddie flesh as [he]454-jesse grunts . [I]26-maddie ’m floating . [I]26-maddie feel like [I]26-maddie ’m on cloud nine , just seconds after waking , and [I]26-maddie know that ’s [Jesse]454-jesse ’s intention each morning . To start [my]26-maddie day being reminded of how wonderful [we]2945-we are . It really is n’t necessary . [I]26-maddie look at [this man]454-jesse and sizzle inside . [I]26-maddie listen to [him]454-jesse , no matter what [he]454-jesse ’s saying , and take huge comfort from the deep baritone of [his]454-jesse rough voice . [I]26-maddie feel [him]454-jesse touch [me]26-maddie and just know [we]2945-we were always incomplete without each other . [We]2945-we are one . [Our]2945-we bodies move in perfect sync , flowing together softly and carefully , like [they]2945-we ’re so familiar with each other . Because [they]2945-we are . [I]26-maddie could never question the sense of right when [we]2945-we ’re intimate like this , even on [my]26-maddie bad days , when frustration gets the better of [me]26-maddie , when a whole day passes without so much as a speck of a memory to encourage [me]26-maddie on . Those days have turned into weeks . It ’s been six weeks without anything , no memory , no flashbacks , leaving [me]26-maddie with only the scraps of what [I]26-maddie have , of what [I]26-maddie built before [my]26-maddie brain decided to grind to a halt where [my]26-maddie past is concerned . Like a cork has been wedged in the hole , stopping the flow . It has n’t escaped [Jesse]454-jesse ’s notice . [His]454-jesse keen eyes are always watching [me]26-maddie , [his]454-jesse ears always listening . [I]26-maddie ’ve given [him]454-jesse nothing for weeks . [I]26-maddie can see the disappointment on [his]454-jesse face no matter how hard [he]454-jesse tries to disguise it with love . [I]26-maddie feel under pressure . The only relief [I]26-maddie ’m getting is when [we]2945-we ’re making love , when [he]454-jesse manages to blank [my]26-maddie mind completely , or when [I]26-maddie go to yoga with [Zara]116-zara . [She]116-zara ’s still unaware of [my]26-maddie accident and condition , and that ’s great , because [she]116-zara ’s [my]26-maddie other source of escape . [I]26-maddie never feel like [I]26-maddie ’m disappointing [her]116-zara . [I]26-maddie never feel like [she]116-zara ’s looking at [me]26-maddie as if [I]26-maddie should know something . [[My]26-maddie new friend]2143-uncle carmichael is respite that [I]26-maddie so need . [I]26-maddie know [Jesse]454-jesse and [I]26-maddie are building new memories , wonderful memories , but every day [I]26-maddie still stare at that huge wall of photographs in [the family room]558-the family room and wonder where the hell it ’s all gone . “[26-maddie] Stop it , [he]2143-uncle carmichael whispers , pulling out sharply and flipping [me]1521-me onto [my]1521-me back . [My]1521-me heavy gaze lifts to [his]2143-uncle carmichael green eyes , eyes that scream a thousand emotions each time [I]1521-me look into them , reflecting worry back at [me]1521-me this morning . “[1521-me] [We]1521-me ’re still [us]1521-me . [We]1521-me still have [the children]2217-the children . [I]0-i still love [you]2217-the children , and [you]2217-the children still love [me]0-i . That ’s all that matters . ” On a swivel of [his]2143-uncle carmichael tight hips , [he]2143-uncle carmichael enters [me]1521-me again , falling to [his]2143-uncle carmichael forearms . The weight of [him]2143-uncle carmichael calms [me]1521-me , reminding [me]1521-me that [I]1521-me may have lost many memories of [this man]2143-uncle carmichael , but at least [I]1521-me still have [him]2143-uncle carmichael in the flesh . The unrelenting pain that strikes [me]1521-me when [I]1521-me think of being without [him]2143-uncle carmichael is enough to tell [me]1521-me that where [I]1521-me am is where [I]1521-me ’m supposed to be . Not that [I]1521-me need a reminder . Not when every fiber of [my]1521-me being is telling [me]1521-me so . [I]1521-me reach for [his]2143-uncle carmichael back and run [my]1521-me palms across the tight planes , feeling [him]2143-uncle carmichael . “[1521-me] That ’s all [I]0-i need , [I]0-i affirm , swallowing when [he]2143-uncle carmichael withdraws slowly , purposely slowly , [his]2143-uncle carmichael eyes on [mine]1521-me as [he]2143-uncle carmichael drives forward again , exact and smooth . “[0-i] Nothing can break [us]1523-us . [He]2143-uncle carmichael sweeps in and takes [my]2289-the man mouth gently , and [my]2289-the man legs come up to [his]2143-uncle carmichael waist to hold [him]2143-uncle carmichael everywhere [I]2289-the man can . “[2289-the man] That ’s it , [baby]2289-the man . Hold tight . ” The change in pace , from grinds to deep drives , has [me]2289-the man struggling to maintain [our]1523-us kiss , [my]2289-the man tongue becoming erratic in its movements , almost frenzied . “[2289-the man] [You]2289-the man nearly there ? [He]2143-uncle carmichael pulls back , not needing an answer , but wanting to see [my]2289-the man face when [I]2289-the man tip the edge . Wedging [his]2143-uncle carmichael fists into the mattress , [he]2143-uncle carmichael ups the ante , mixing plunges with swivels , flexing sharply and then slowly . [I]2289-the man ’m lost in [him]2143-uncle carmichael , amazed through [my]2289-the man pleasure of the heights [he]2143-uncle carmichael takes [me]2289-the man to . To the places where [I]2289-the man can forget . Where nothing exists except [him]2143-uncle carmichael and [me]2289-the man and the passion [we]1523-us share . The sweat on [his]2143-uncle carmichael brow sparkles in the dusky light , [his]2143-uncle carmichael face beginning to strain as [my]2289-the man release surges forward and detonates , instantly making [me]2289-the man shake with the force , the tingling sensations too much , [my]2289-the man flesh too sensitive . And [he]2143-uncle carmichael knows , because [his]2143-uncle carmichael movements stop and [he]2143-uncle carmichael puts pressure where [I]2289-the man need it , stemming the sensitivity , as [he]2143-uncle carmichael comes hard , [his]2143-uncle carmichael roar suppressed , [his]2143-uncle carmichael face red with the pressure of blood rushing to [his]2143-uncle carmichael head . [My]2289-the man internal walls grab [him]2143-uncle carmichael greedily and milk [him]2143-uncle carmichael dry , the heat of [his]2143-uncle carmichael essence pouring deeply into [me]2289-the man . [Jesse]454-jesse drops onto [me]2289-the man in a heap of exhausted male , crowding [me]2289-the man , still buried deep , where [he]2143-uncle carmichael will be for the next ten minutes while [he]2143-uncle carmichael snoozes on [me]2289-the man , sporadically nuzzling and kissing [my]2289-the man wet neck , whispering sweet nothings in [my]2289-the man ear . And [I]2289-the man hold [him]2143-uncle carmichael and savor the moment [I]2289-the man cherish each morning before [I]2289-the man have to get up and face [my]2289-the man day . [I]2289-the man breathe into [his]2143-uncle carmichael shoulder as [we]2948-we settle , constricting [him]2143-uncle carmichael , getting [him]2143-uncle carmichael as close as [I]2289-the man possibly can . In [my]2289-the man own silent way , [I]2289-the man ’m telling [him]2143-uncle carmichael that [I]2289-the man ’m happy to remain where [I]2289-the man am . It ’s not like [I]2289-the man have much else to do . Work is n’t on the cards for [me]2289-the man just yet . [I]2289-the man tried a few weeks ago , convinced [Jesse]454-jesse to let [me]2289-the man go back to [[my]2289-the man office]634-my office , and [he]2143-uncle carmichael did , albeit reluctantly . It took just ten minutes for [me]2289-the man to realize [I]2289-the man was out of [my]2289-the man depth — ten minutes of staring at the paperwork on [my]2289-the man desk , ten minutes of [Jesse]454-jesse watching [me]2289-the man from the couch while [I]2289-the man demanded [my]2289-the man brain to tell [me]2289-the man what to do , and ten failed attempts to enter [my]2289-the man password on the computer , before [I]2289-the man finally crumpled and gave in to the fact that [I]2289-the man was of no use at the club . [I]2289-the man did n’t like it , not one little bit , and it was n’t only because [I]2289-the man felt so useless . [That woman who works for [us]2951-us]2950-that woman who works for us ca n’t keep [her]2950-that woman who works for us eyes off [Jesse]454-jesse , and [I]2289-the man could see clearly that [my]2289-the man presence was n’t welcome . [I]2289-the man squeeze [my]2289-the man eyes , trying to remember [her]2950-that woman who works for us name . Small things , simple things that [I]2289-the man ’m learning are slipping from [my]2289-the man memory as fast as [they]2952-they ’re put there . Like names . [Cherry]26-maddie . [I]2289-the man exhale , thanking [my]2289-the man brain for giving [me]2289-the man the information [I]2289-the man ’m looking for . [I]2289-the man only wish it would give [me]2289-the man [my]2289-the man memories , too . Am [I]2289-the man any use at all ? [I]2289-the man scold [myself]2289-the man the moment [I]2289-the man question [my]2289-the man worth , because there ’s one valuable job [I]2289-the man ’m doing . Being [a mum]2953-a mum as best [I]2289-the man can , though [I]2289-the man sometimes question [my]2289-the man ability there . Like when [Jacob]60-jacob brought [home]201-home some simple maths homework . Simple equations that [I]2289-the man know how to solve from [my]2289-the man school days , way before the cutoff in [my]2289-the man memory . Yet [I]2289-the man could n’t do them . [My]2289-the man brain simply would n’t work . And like when [Maddie]26-maddie and [I]2289-the man went shopping for a dress for [Raya]54-raya and [Drew]53-drew ’s wedding . [I]2289-the man picked out many outfits , and [each one]2955-each one was rejected . [I]2289-the man did n’t even know [[my]2289-the man daughter]238-ava ’s style . That day is one [I]2289-the man ’d like to forget , made worse by the fact that when [we]2957-we flagged [a taxi]2958-a taxi to take [us]2957-we [home]201-home , [I]2289-the man could n’t even remember [our]2957-we damn address . It was gone , out of [my]2289-the man head like [Jesse]454-jesse had n’t repeated it to [me]2289-the man a thousand times in recent weeks . Thankfully , [[my]2289-the man daughter]238-ava saved [me]2289-the man . But [she]238-ava could n’t save [me]2289-the man from the wrath of [[her]238-ava father]2507-her father when [we]2957-we rolled up in [a taxi]2958-a taxi . [I]2289-the man was supposed to call [him]2507-her father to collect [us]2957-we , but [I]2289-the man had hoped that [I]2289-the man could use the ride [home]201-home to shed [my]2289-the man melancholy mood . [I]2289-the man did a good job , until [Jesse]454-jesse went off the handle . And then [I]2289-the man folded , crying , while [Maddie]26-maddie showed [[her]26-maddie father]2507-her father [her]26-maddie wrath . It ’s all so fraught . [We]2957-we ’re all tinkering on the edge of complete meltdown , and [my]2289-the man stupid fucking memory is the cause , [my]2289-the man brain ’s refusal to give [me]2289-the man what [I]2289-the man need , what [we]2957-we all need , to carry on with [our]2957-we lives with any sense of normality . And then there are the moments like just now . Moments when [my]2289-the man brain is wiped clean of the shit tarnishing it . Moments when [Jesse]454-jesse helps [me]2289-the man escape . And there are moments with [Maddie]26-maddie and [Jacob]60-jacob . Moments when [I]2289-the man look at [those beautiful kids]2960-those beautiful kids and try to come to terms with the fact that [they]2960-those beautiful kids are [mine]60-jacob . How lucky [I]2289-the man am . How wonderful [they]2960-those beautiful kids are , how [they]2960-those beautiful kids can make [me]2289-the man smile even on [my]2289-the man darkest days . [Their]2960-those beautiful kids little jokes about [[their]2960-those beautiful kids father]2213-their father , how [they]2960-those beautiful kids relay the stories [they]2960-those beautiful kids know of [our]2962-our love affair . [I]2289-the man could listen to [them]2960-those beautiful kids for hours . “[2289-the man] That ’s enough of the downheartedness today . [His]2289-the man voice , muffled in [my]2289-the man neck , is still stern . “[2289-the man] It ’s [Raya]54-raya ’s hen night tonight . [I]54-raya ’m surprised [he]2289-the man ’s reminded [me]54-raya . [I]54-raya just know [he]2289-the man ’s battling [his]2289-the man instinct to hold [me]54-raya back . To not let [me]54-raya go . And [I]54-raya know [he]2289-the man ’s read [Kate]194-kate [her]194-kate rights . [Silly man]2289-the man . [That woman]194-kate has n’t had a drink for nearly a year . [She]194-kate ’ll be even more ravenous for some girlie time and alcohol than [I]54-raya am . “[54-raya] [You]54-raya mean to say [you]54-raya ’re releasing [me]0-i for the night ? [I]54-raya tease . [I]54-raya should n’t poke [him]2289-the man . [I]54-raya ’m looking forward to this evening so much , just to spend some time with [Kate]194-kate . If [he]2289-the man withdraws [his]2289-the man consent , there will be fireworks . Emerging from [his]2289-the man hiding place , [he]2289-the man cocks one eyebrow , [his]2289-the man lips forming a straight , displeased line . “[54-raya] Are [you]54-raya testing [me]0-i ? [I]54-raya stiffen when [his]2289-the man hand slides to [my]54-raya hip . “[54-raya] Never , [I]54-raya say , quickly holding [my]54-raya breath . [He]2289-the man gets [me]54-raya every time . [I]54-raya do n’t have a hope of fighting [him]2289-the man off , [his]2289-the man powerful body laughing in the face of [my]54-raya small frame . “[54-raya] And [you]54-raya will be sensible , wo n’t [you]54-raya ? ” A tiny dig of [his]2289-the man wicked fingers into [my]54-raya flesh jolts [me]54-raya , and [I]54-raya nod frantically . “[54-raya] And [you]54-raya will stay in contact with [me]0-i , wo n’t [you]54-raya ? ” Another dig , and another jerk of [my]54-raya body and head . “[54-raya] And before [you]54-raya leave , [you]54-raya ’re going to let [me]0-i pin [you]54-raya down and come all over [your]54-raya gorgeous boobs , are n’t [you]54-raya ? [I]54-raya ca n’t find it in [me]54-raya to agree . Not that [he]2289-the man desires [my]54-raya agreement . [He]2289-the man does what [he]2289-the man damn well likes when [he]2289-the man damn well likes . “[54-raya] [You]54-raya want to mark [me]0-i ? ” “[54-raya] Actually , [you]54-raya like to mark [me]0-i . [He]2289-the man points down to [his]2289-the man pec . “[54-raya] [I]0-i miss it . [I]0-i ca n’t help [my]0-i frown . “[0-i] Miss what ? ” “[0-i] The tidy little bruise on [my]0-i chest that has kept [me]0-i company for the past twelve years . [I]0-i feel a little incomplete without it . ” The slight tilt of [his]2289-the man head spells out [his]2289-the man want . “[194-kate] Suck , [baby]194-kate . [He]2289-the man rolls over and points to the area [he]2289-the man wants [me]194-kate . [I]194-kate ’m bemused , but [I]194-kate ’m getting kind of used to some of the bizarre shit [I]194-kate ’m learning about [our]2963-our marriage . And to be fair , [I]194-kate wo n’t deny [myself]194-kate a few more minutes of [us]2963-our in bed together . So [I]194-kate straddle [his]2289-the man waist and latch onto [his]2289-the man solid flesh , sucking [him]2289-the man into [my]194-kate mouth as [I]194-kate look up through [my]194-kate lashes to [his]2289-the man satisfied face . [The man]2289-the man is a nut . And so am [I]194-kate , since [I]194-kate ’m going along with all the madness [he]2289-the man throws at [me]194-kate . “[194-kate] Happy ? [I]194-kate ask , inspecting the perfect purple circle . “[194-kate] Delirious . [He]2289-the man gets up off the bed and tucks [me]194-kate in . “[194-kate] [I]0-i ’ll sort [the kids]2010-the kids for [school]2011-school . [I]194-kate watch [him]2289-the man pull on some boxers before [he]2289-the man leaves [the room]202-the room , [my]194-kate eyes nailed to [his]2289-the man solid back until [he]2289-the man disappears . [I]194-kate relax and think forward to tonight . [I]194-kate need a good drink . To numb [myself]194-kate of feeling . And that ’s just what [I]194-kate plan to do . Chapter 46 [I]194-kate sit in [the kitchen]589-upstairs trying not to think about [Ava]238-ava [upstairs]589-upstairs getting ready for [her]238-ava night out . [Lots of women]2966-lots of women together , backed up with lots of alcohol . And one of [them]2966-lots of women gave birth six weeks ago , and according to [Sam]50-sam is champing at the bit for a night of freedom since [she]238-ava ’s finished six weeks of breastfeeding . [I]194-kate forced [myself]194-kate to agree . [I]194-kate ’m regretting it now . Grabbing [my]194-kate phone , [I]194-kate dial [[Ava]238-ava ’s mother]32-mum . “[194-kate] What ’s wrong ? [she]32-mum answers in greeting . “[194-kate] Nothing ’s wrong . [My]194-kate face twists . “[194-kate] What are [you]1528-you up to tonight ? [I]0-i ask , all casual , catching [the kids]2010-the kids ’ eyes where [they]2010-the kids ’re sitting at [the island]2099-the island finishing off [their]2010-the kids dinner . [They]2010-the kids know [my]0-i game . [I]0-i raise [my]0-i finger to [my]0-i lips , a sign to keep [my]0-i secret . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m out , [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth declares . “[0-i] Bridge and cocktails . ” Fuck it . “[361-big man] Okay , have a lovely time . [I]361-big man hang up and beat the marble worktop with [my]361-big man fingertips , thinking . “[361-big man] Ah ! [I]361-big man quickly dial [John]23-john . “[361-big man] Hey , [big man]361-big man , [I]361-big man chirp down the line . “[361-big man] No . [His]23-john gruff , flat reply has [me]361-big man frowning . “[361-big man] What ? ” “[361-big man] It ’s [Raya]54-raya ’s hen night . No , [I]0-i wo n’t watch [the kids]2010-the kids so [you]1531-you can stalk [[your]1531-you wife]364-your wife . [I]1533-some friend snarl . “[1533-some friend] [Some friend]1533-some friend [you]1533-some friend are . ” “[1533-some friend] Fuck [you]1533-some friend . Have [you]1533-some friend heard from [Sarah]26-maddie ? [My]26-maddie mood plummets further . “[26-maddie] No , why ? Should [I]0-i have ? ” “[0-i] Just checking . [I]0-i ’m hoping [she]26-maddie ’s gon na fuck off soon , because , frankly , [I]0-i ’m sick of looking at [her]26-maddie miserable face . [I]23-john flinch on [Sarah]26-maddie ’s behalf . “[23-john] Tell [her]26-maddie to go , [John]23-john . ” “[23-john] [I]0-i ca n’t do it . [I]0-i ’ve fucking tried , but [[your]23-john damn uncle [Carmichael]2143-uncle carmichael]1534-your damn uncle carmichael is in [my]0-i ear like an annoying fucking gnat , telling [me]0-i to do right by [her]26-maddie or [he]2143-uncle carmichael ’ll haunt [my]0-i motherfucking arse . [I]2143-uncle carmichael smile a little , but [I]2143-uncle carmichael ’m mad , too . “[2143-uncle carmichael] [You]23-john owe [her]26-maddie nothing . [Uncle Carmichael]2143-uncle carmichael owes [her]26-maddie nothing . ” “[2143-uncle carmichael] Tell that to [a dead man]1535-lauren , [he]2143-uncle carmichael grunts , hanging up . [I]2143-uncle carmichael fall into thought , going back to [my]2143-uncle carmichael past briefly . Then [I]2143-uncle carmichael catch [the kids]261-my kids giving [me]2143-uncle carmichael wary looks . “[2143-uncle carmichael] What ? ” “[1256-dad] Do n’t do it , [Dad]1256-dad , [Maddie]26-maddie singsongs . “[1256-dad] [She]26-maddie ’ll tear [your]1256-dad head off and use it as a football . ” “[26-maddie] [You]1256-dad ’ll regret it , [Jacob]60-jacob warns . Scowling at [[my]1256-dad kids]261-my kids , [I]1256-dad march out of [the kitchen]228-the kitchen and head [upstairs]589-upstairs where [Ava]238-ava ’s getting ready . So what am [I]1256-dad supposed to do ? Sit [home]201-home all night worrying to death ? [I]1256-dad find [her]238-ava in [her]238-ava underwear standing in the mirror . [I]1256-dad groan . What ’s [she]238-ava trying to do to [me]1256-dad ? “[1256-dad] [You]1256-dad look lovely , [I]0-i grunt , slumping [my]0-i arse on the bed . [She]238-ava looks at [me]0-i in the reflection , a smile playing at the corners of [her]238-ava nude lips as [she]238-ava tweaks [her]238-ava hair into position . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m not dressed yet . [I]0-i shrug , pouting like [a moody schoolboy]2974-a moody schoolboy . “[0-i] [You]1256-dad still look lovely . ” “[1256-dad] [You]1256-dad come to mark [me]0-i ? [I]1256-dad look to the door , hearing [the kids in [the kitchen]256-downstairs [downstairs]256-downstairs]2975-the kids in the kitchen downstairs . [My]1256-dad scope for marking is limited . “[1256-dad] What do [you]1256-dad think of this ? [I]1256-dad return [my]1256-dad eyes to [Ava]238-ava , finding [her]238-ava holding up a little black dress . [I]1256-dad just shake [my]1256-dad head . Negative . “[1256-dad] What about this ? ” A green thing appears , and once again [I]1256-dad reject it . [She]238-ava sighs , sweeping [her]238-ava arm out to [the wardrobe]593-our bedroom . “[1256-dad] Choose a dress , any dress . ” Good . [She]238-ava ’s getting the hang of this . It takes [me]1256-dad five seconds flat to find something suitable — a high - necked , long - sleeved , full - length jersey dress . “[1256-dad] Perfect , [I]0-i declare . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m not wearing that . ” The dress is snatched from [my]0-i hand and put back on the rail . [She]238-ava quickly takes another down and goes back to [the bedroom]593-our bedroom . “[0-i] And stop sulking . ” “[0-i] [You]1256-dad ’re not wearing that , either , [I]1256-dad call , trudging after [her]238-ava . [She]238-ava ’s pulling the stupid gold thing on by the time [I]1256-dad make it to [the bedroom]593-our bedroom , a salacious grin on [her]238-ava face . “[1256-dad] Why ’d [you]1256-dad have to be so damn beautiful ? [[My]0-i wife]26-maddie is [a goddess]26-maddie , and [I]0-i know [every other man on [the planet]254-the planet]2979-every other man on the planet must think so , too . And in that little gold number , [she]26-maddie ’s [a shimmering goddess]26-maddie . [Her]26-maddie cheekbones are also shimmering , and [her]26-maddie eyes are smoked out , making them smolder madly . [They]2981-they ’re “[0-i] take [me]0-i to bed ” eyes . “[1536-any man in the eye] Do n’t look [any man in the eye]1536-any man in the eye , [I]1536-any man in the eye tell [her]26-maddie , falling to the chair in the corner of [[our]2982-our bedroom]593-our bedroom . [I]1536-any man in the eye ’m slumped . [Moody]105-moody bastard . [I]1536-any man in the eye ca n’t help it . [She]26-maddie wanders over and slowly turns , looking over [her]26-maddie shoulder at [me]1536-any man in the eye . With [my]1536-any man in the eye chin still low , [I]1536-any man in the eye lift [my]1536-any man in the eye gaze , dragging it over [her]26-maddie exposed back until [I]1536-any man in the eye reach [her]26-maddie eyes . “[1536-any man in the eye] Zip [me]0-i up ? ” “[1536-any man in the eye] No , [I]1536-any man in the eye grunt , eliciting a cute twitch of [her]26-maddie lips . “[1536-any man in the eye] Please ? ” It ’s a purr , one that hits [my]1536-any man in the eye dick and takes it from semi - erect to rock . “[1536-any man in the eye] Why are [you]1537-you doing this to [me]0-i ? ” It ’s a serious question . Just look at [her]26-maddie . This beauty , still in [her]26-maddie prime , glowing before [me]1536-any man in the eye like some otherworldly creature . [I]1536-any man in the eye ’ve tried to reason with [myself]1536-any man in the eye all day . Told [myself]1536-any man in the eye [she]26-maddie needs to let [her]26-maddie hair down and have some time with [[her]26-maddie girlfriends]2983-her girlfriends . Yet that primal , possessive streak in [me]1536-any man in the eye has only grown by the hour , and now [I]1536-any man in the eye ’m in two minds whether [I]1536-any man in the eye ’d get away with bolting [her]26-maddie to the bed . [I]1536-any man in the eye ponder that for a second , thoughtful , [my]1536-any man in the eye head tilting as [I]1536-any man in the eye weigh up the option . [I]1536-any man in the eye ’d get away with it . There ’s nothing [she]26-maddie could do to stop [me]1536-any man in the eye . “[1536-any man in the eye] Do n’t even think about it , [Ward]238-ava . [Her]26-maddie tone is warning . And ignored . [I]238-ava love how [she]26-maddie reads [my]238-ava mind . “[238-ava] And what will [you]1538-you do about it ? ” “[1538-you] Divorce . [She]26-maddie points to [her]26-maddie back again as [my]1538-you jaw drops . “[1538-you] Zip [me]0-i up . ” “[1538-you] No . ” “[1538-you] Fine , [I]0-i ’ll get [Kate]194-kate to do it when [she]194-kate gets [here]2274-here . [She]194-kate saunters off , all strut and arse . [I]454-jesse ’m out of that chair like lightning , and [I]454-jesse ’ve captured [her]194-kate before [she]194-kate makes it to the door . “[454-jesse] [Jesse]454-jesse ! [she]194-kate squeals as [I]454-jesse throw [her]194-kate over [my]454-jesse shoulder and backtrack to the bed . It ’s does n’t escape [my]454-jesse notice that [her]194-kate screech of [my]454-jesse name was more laughed than angrily yelled . [She]194-kate was prepared for [my]454-jesse trample . Flipping [her]194-kate on the bed , [I]454-jesse pull off [my]454-jesse T - shirt and capture [her]194-kate wrists , pinning [her]194-kate down , straddling [her]194-kate stomach . [She]194-kate blows some stray wisps of hair from [her]194-kate face and blinks up at [me]454-jesse . And [she]194-kate smiles . [She]194-kate knows what ’s coming . [I]454-jesse get [her]194-kate hands under [my]454-jesse knees to secure them , and pull [my]454-jesse cock from [my]454-jesse shorts . “[454-jesse] Tell [me]0-i [you]0-i love [me]0-i , [I]0-i demand , [my]0-i voice already displaying the hunger in [me]0-i . “[0-i] [I]0-i love [you]0-i . [She]194-kate complies in a heartbeat , and [I]0-i smile . “[0-i] Tell [me]0-i [you]0-i only have eyes for [me]0-i . [I]0-i pull a long stroke down [my]0-i shaft , watching [her]194-kate as [she]194-kate watches [me]0-i . “[0-i] [I]0-i only have eyes for [you]0-i . [She]194-kate licks [her]194-kate lips , flipping [her]194-kate gaze up . “[0-i] Fuck , [you]0-i look lethally sexy when [you]0-i get [yourself]0-i off . ” “[0-i] Watch [your]0-i mouth . [I]1256-dad drop one hand to the mattress , slowly starting to pump [my]1256-dad fist , electric energy sizzling all over [my]1256-dad skin . And [I]1256-dad dip , taking [her]194-kate mouth greedily . It does n’t take [me]1256-dad long to find [my]1256-dad rhythm , [my]1256-dad body stiff with pleasure . “[1256-dad] [Dad]1256-dad ! [Mum]32-mum ! [Everyone]283-everyone is here ! [Maddie]26-maddie ’s yell hits [my]283-everyone hearing like a foghorn , followed by the sound of [her]26-maddie feet pounding [the stairs]244-the stairs . No ! No , no , no ! “[283-everyone] Fuck ! [I]283-everyone drop [my]283-everyone cock , hissing when it springs back and hits [my]283-everyone lower stomach . “[283-everyone] [You]0-i have to be fucking kidding [me]0-i . ” “[283-everyone] Quick ! [Ava]238-ava starts scrambling off the bed as [I]424-elizabeth rearrange [my]424-elizabeth shorts , sitting on the edge to conceal [my]424-elizabeth mammoth erection behind the thin material . [I]424-elizabeth ’m sweating , and not with worry . [I]424-elizabeth feel like an unexploded bomb . [Motherfucker]1130-my baby girl ! [[My]424-elizabeth baby girl]1130-my baby girl lands in [the bedroom]302-the bedroom , full of excitement . “[424-elizabeth] [Betty]424-elizabeth ’s here , too ! [Her]424-elizabeth face drops when [she]424-elizabeth finds [me]424-elizabeth on the edge of the bed . “[424-elizabeth] What are [you]0-i so grumpy about ? ” “[424-elizabeth] Nothing , [I]424-elizabeth all but bark . [Ava]238-ava chuckles and puts [herself]238-ava in front of [me]424-elizabeth , indicating [her]238-ava zip again . “[424-elizabeth] [We]1541-we ’ll be down in a tick . [She]238-ava looks over [her]238-ava shoulder and raises [her]238-ava perfect brows . “[1541-we] Once [[your]0-i dad]240-my boy has zipped [me]0-i up . [I]1541-we pout , taking the fastener and slowly pulling it up . “[1541-we] [I]0-i ’m not happy , [I]0-i declare , making sure [my]0-i displeasure is voiced , no matter how plain it is on [my]0-i face . “[0-i] [You]0-i ’ll pay for this later . ” “[0-i] Yeah , yeah . [She]238-ava breezes out of [the room]228-the kitchen , leaving [me]0-i to talk [my]0-i dick down and get [my]0-i T - shirt back on . Torture . Fucking torture . [I]0-i make [my]0-i way [downstairs]256-downstairs once [I]0-i ’m decent , wandering into [the kitchen]228-the kitchen to find [the whole gang]2989-the whole gang [here]2274-here . [Sam]50-sam has [Betty]424-elizabeth suspended from [his]50-sam arm in [her]424-elizabeth car seat , and [Maddie]26-maddie is cooing over [her]424-elizabeth . [Drew]53-drew is helping [himself]53-drew to a beer , and [the girls]2069-the girls are in a gaggle by [the island]2099-the island , praising [each other]2249-each other ’s dresses . “[0-i] What ’s crawled up [your]1543-your arse ? [Drew]53-drew asks , handing [me]194-kate a beer as [I]194-kate dump [myself]194-kate down on a stool . [I]194-kate do n’t need to tell [them]2069-the girls . [Sam]50-sam laughs , followed by [Drew]53-drew . [Everyone]283-everyone in [my]194-kate life knows how bad [I]194-kate struggle . [I]194-kate tip the bottle to [my]194-kate lips and almost spit out [my]194-kate beer when [Kate]194-kate swooshes around to face [me]194-kate . “[194-kate] Fucking hell , [Kate]194-kate ! [I]194-kate choke , wiping at [my]194-kate mouth . [Her]194-kate strapless dress is a decent length , to the knee , but [her]194-kate boobs are a bench under [her]194-kate chin . [I]194-kate blink rapidly and look away , finding [Sam]50-sam . [He]50-sam ’s okay with that ? [I]194-kate cock [my]194-kate head in question , but [he]50-sam just smiles , studying [Kate]194-kate ’s epic rack . “[194-kate] If [we]1544-we can keep them , that would be fine by [me]0-i . [He]50-sam places [Betty]424-elizabeth ’s car seat on [the island]2099-the island , joining [me]194-kate on the next stool . “[194-kate] Too much ? [Kate]194-kate asks , pulling [her]194-kate red tresses over [her]194-kate front so [they]2996-they splay on [her]194-kate chest . [Raya]54-raya laughs , pouring wine into three glasses . Now , [Raya]54-raya , [she]54-raya looks perfectly presentable , [her]54-raya long - sleeved dress scooping [her]54-raya neck at an acceptable level , the black material a stark contrast to [her]54-raya light blond hair . [My]194-kate approval is short - lived . [She]54-raya turns away , revealing the back . Or lack of it . [Her]54-raya entire back is exposed , all the way down to [her]54-raya arse . [I]194-kate sigh , wondering if it ’s that unreasonable side [everyone]283-everyone ’s always telling [me]194-kate [I]194-kate have , or if it ’s simply age . “[194-kate] Easy on the wine , [I]194-kate grunt , waving [my]194-kate bottle at [Raya]54-raya as [she]54-raya dishes out the glasses . [She]54-raya smiles as [she]54-raya takes [her]54-raya first sip . “[194-kate] [You]1545-i ’re not going to invade [my]0-i hen night , are [you]1545-i ? [I]1545-i scowl , casting [my]1545-i eyes to [[my]1545-i supposed mates]2069-the girls . Neither of [them]2069-the girls look at [me]1545-i . “[1545-i] No . [I]1545-i would , if [I]1545-i had [someone]293-someone to watch [the kids]2069-the girls while [I]1545-i invade . “[1545-i] Good . [Kate]194-kate chinks [the girls]2069-the girls ’ glasses . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’ve done six weeks breastfeeding . [My]0-i nipples ca n’t take any more . [I]0-i ’m going to get so pissed . [She]194-kate looks at [Sam]50-sam , who rolls [his]50-sam eyes , though does n’t refute [her]194-kate intention . “[0-i] If [I]0-i ’m still standing by the time [I]0-i get [home]201-home , [I]0-i want [you]1547-you to slap [me]0-i to the ground . [She]194-kate takes a glug of wine . “[0-i] Because [I]0-i ’ll feel like an underachiever if [I]0-i ’m not flat on [my]0-i face . [I]2010-the kids ’m coughing again , looking to [[my]2010-the kids mate]313-my mate to sort [her]194-kate out . But , again , all [I]2010-the kids get is a roll of [his]50-sam eyes . This is ridiculous . Wine , the dresses , the talk of getting plastered . [I]2010-the kids rack [my]2010-the kids brain for [someone]305-anyone , [[anyone]305-anyone , who [I]2010-the kids could call on to pop over and watch [the kids]2010-the kids]3002-anyone , who i could call on to pop over and watch the kids . [I]2010-the kids come up blank . Maybe [I]2010-the kids could take [them]2010-the kids with [me]2010-the kids . A little adventure around [London]11-london . [Drew]53-drew nudges [me]2010-the kids in the side , [his]53-drew lips straight . “[2010-the kids] [They]2010-the kids ’ll be fine . ” Easy for [him]53-drew to say . Am [I]293-someone the only one who ’s worried ? “[293-someone] [Someone]293-someone needs to stop this circus . ” “[0-i] [I]0-i value [my]0-i life too much . [Drew]53-drew slaps [my]282-girls shoulder with a firm thwack , making [my]282-girls teeth chink on the top of [my]282-girls bottle . “[282-girls] Come on , then , [girls]282-girls . ” Clapping [his]53-drew hands , [he]53-drew starts rounding them up , herding [them]282-girls to the front door . “[1551-she] [She]1551-she ’ll be fine , [Dad]1256-dad . [Jacob]60-jacob appears by [my]0-i side , offering up [his]60-jacob jar of the good stuff . [I]0-i strain a smile at the cute little fucker and plunge [my]0-i finger into the pot . “[0-i] [I]0-i know , [mate]0-i , [I]0-i say , if only to reassure [him]60-jacob . [She]1551-she ’ll be fine . How many times have [I]0-i told [myself]0-i that over the years ? And look what happened . “[0-i] [I]0-i wish [I]0-i could go . [Maddie]26-maddie ’s statement has the lick of [my]0-i finger faltering , [my]0-i alarmed eyes looking down at [[my]0-i girl]26-maddie . Christ , that ’s a whole other form of stress . The thought alone sends [me]0-i cold . Or colder than [I]0-i already am . Now [I]0-i really would n’t think twice about locking [[my]0-i baby girl]26-maddie in a cupboard . “[0-i] Not until [you]0-i ’re fifty , [I]0-i tell [her]26-maddie , following [Sam]50-sam out of [the kitchen]2056-the house , softening when [I]0-i catch sight of [Betty]424-elizabeth sleeping peacefully in [her]424-elizabeth car seat . It seems like only yesterday that [[my]0-i two]2010-the kids were that big . Where has the time gone ? [The kids]2010-the kids race [upstairs]589-upstairs to [[their]2010-the kids rooms]3006-their rooms , while [I]0-i head to the door . [I]0-i catch [Ava]238-ava before [she]238-ava steps out of [the house]2056-the house , pulling [her]238-ava back . The look on [her]238-ava glowing face is a sure sign that [she]238-ava ’s ready for [me]0-i . [She]238-ava looks bored . Crowding [her]238-ava , [I]0-i kiss [her]238-ava cheek . “[0-i] Do n’t talk to [strangers]2294-strangers . ” “[0-i] [I]0-i wo n’t . ” “[0-i] Put [your]0-i belt on in [the car]2161-the car . ” “[0-i] [I]0-i will . [She]238-ava reaches up on [her]238-ava tippy - toes and kisses [my]0-i cheek . “[0-i] Drink safely . ” “[0-i] Yes , [sir]0-i . ” “[0-i] Sit down if [you]0-i feel woozy . ” “[0-i] Okay . ” “[0-i] Call [me]0-i if [you]0-i need [me]0-i . ” Pulling back , [she]238-ava smiles , stroking [my]0-i cheek affectionately . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’ll be fine . ” Why does [everyone]283-everyone keep saying that ? “[0-i] Answer [me]0-i when [I]0-i text [you]0-i . [I]0-i ’m annoying [her]0-i now , though [she]0-i continues to humor [me]0-i . “[0-i] [I]0-i will . ” “[0-i] [Good girl]0-i . [I]0-i smother [her]0-i with [my]0-i lips , [my]0-i arms refusing to let [her]0-i go . “[0-i] Have a good time . [I]0-i sigh and force [myself]0-i to release [her]0-i . The anxiety inside [me]0-i , it ’s never gone , but now it seems to be worse than ever . “[0-i] [I]0-i love [you]0-i . ” “[0-i] [I]0-i know . [She]0-i dances off to [[Drew]53-drew ’s car]1152-drew ’s car . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m dropping them off and picking them up , [Drew]53-drew says . [He]53-drew knows [I]0-i need to hear that . “[0-i] Will call [you]0-i when [we]1554-we ’re on [our]1554-we way [home]201-home . [I]238-ava nod and quickly shut the door before [I]238-ava give in to temptation and race after [her]0-i to drag [her]0-i back to [the house]201-home . The ache inside [me]238-ava may be unreasonable and [my]238-ava mood overboard , but after [we]1554-we ’ve been through what [we]1554-we ’ve been through , [I]238-ava do n’t think it ’ll ever leave [me]238-ava . It ’s a curse . A weight around [my]238-ava neck . But [I]238-ava must n’t let it pull [me]238-ava under . Chapter 47 [I]238-ava have not one hope of sleeping until [she]0-i ’s [home]201-home . So [I]238-ava sit on the couch flicking the channels , restless and constantly checking [my]238-ava Rolex . The call [I]238-ava ’ve been waiting for finally comes at one in the morning . [I]238-ava scramble to answer it and listen to [Drew]53-drew tell [me]238-ava [they]3009-they ’re all drunk but safe and that [he]53-drew ’s on the way to drop off [Ava]238-ava . A huge weight lifts from [my]238-ava shoulders , and for the first time this evening , [I]238-ava relax . And then [I]238-ava do something utterly stupid . [I]238-ava race [upstairs]589-upstairs , strip , and hop into bed , turning off the lamp . Because of course [she]0-i ’ll believe that [I]238-ava ’ve been sleeping peacefully while [she]0-i ’s been out tearing up [the town]3011-the town . It ’s almost a half hour later when [I]238-ava hear the front door close . And a few moments after that , the sound of [her]0-i shoes hits the tile floor . Then … silence . [I]238-ava fight the urge to go down and find [her]0-i . [She]0-i ’s [home]201-home . [She]0-i ’s safe . Nothing can happen to [her]0-i now . Then [I]238-ava hear a bang and [I]238-ava ’m like a bullet out of [our]3013-our bed , pulling [my]238-ava shorts on as [I]238-ava fly down [the stairs]244-the stairs . [I]238-ava crash into [the kitchen]536-the hall and find it empty . “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava ? [I]238-ava call , backing up , listening . Nothing . [My]238-ava heart rate shifts a few gears . “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava ? [My]238-ava attempt not to sound frantic is n’t working . “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava , where the hell are [you]238-ava ? [I]60-jacob hurry down [the hall]536-the hall , peeking in [every room]558-the family room , finding [them]536-the hall all empty . Until [I]60-jacob arrive at [the family room]558-the family room . [I]60-jacob breathe out when [I]60-jacob see [her]238-ava standing at the foot of [our]3017-our wall . “[60-jacob] [Baby]60-jacob ? [She]238-ava does n’t turn , just raises a finger to a picture , a picture of [us]3017-our on [our]3017-our wedding day , and traces the edge of [my]0-i face . “[0-i] [I]0-i remembered something earlier . [She]238-ava ’s slurring . [She]238-ava ’s definitely slurring . Drunk ? Plastered , maybe . But [she]238-ava had a flashback ? Turning [her]238-ava eyes onto [me]0-i , heavy eyes , drunk eyes , [she]238-ava points at [my]0-i bare chest . “[0-i] [You]1556-you stole [my]0-i birth control pills . ” “[0-i] Ah . ” Guilty . As . Charged . [I]0-i hold [my]0-i finger to [my]0-i nose , trying to think of a way to wriggle out of this . Of all the things [she]238-ava could have remembered ? “[0-i] ‘ Stole ’ is a very harsh word . ” There ’s no way out . “[0-i] What word would [you]1556-you use , then ? [Her]238-ava bare feet are treading the carpet . “[0-i] Do [you]1556-you need [the toilet]2253-the toilet ? ” Or is [she]238-ava starting to stagger ? “[0-i] Do n’t change the subject . [Her]238-ava mumbled words are getting hard to decipher . “[0-i] Why ’d [you]1556-you steal them ? ” This again ? [I]1556-you force [my]1556-you eye roll into hiding and go collect [her]238-ava before [she]238-ava face plants on the carpet . Lifting [her]238-ava into [my]1556-you arms , [I]1556-you take [her]238-ava up to bed . “[1556-you] Because [I]0-i was madly in love with [you]1556-you and [I]0-i thought [you]1556-you ’d leave [me]0-i when [you]1556-you found out [my]0-i dirty little secrets . [Her]238-ava scoff takes some effort . “[1556-you] [You]1556-you mean [your]1556-you sex club . And the fact [you]1556-you ’re [an alcoholic]1558-an alcoholic . And the fact that [you]1556-you were [a manwhore]1559-a manwhore ? ” “[1559-a manwhore] Yes , all of that , [I]1559-a manwhore say , taking [the stairs]244-the stairs . And a whole pile of other shit , too . “[1559-a manwhore] Now , are [you]1556-you done ? ” “[0-i] [I]0-i had a wonderful night ! [she]238-ava sings , throwing [her]238-ava head back and [her]238-ava arms up , forcing [me]0-i to shift [my]0-i hold or risk [her]238-ava tumbling from [my]0-i arms . [I]0-i guess that ’s a yes . “[0-i] And do [you]1556-you know what ? [She]238-ava levels a straight face on [me]0-i . Do [I]0-i want to know ? “[0-i] What ? ” “[0-i] [I]0-i fancy [you]1556-you so much , [she]238-ava mumbles , [her]238-ava head falling onto [my]0-i shoulder . “[0-i] [I]0-i should hope so . ” “[0-i] Why , because [you]1556-you ’re [[my]0-i husband]454-jesse ? ” “[454-jesse] No , because [I]0-i ’m fucking hot . ” A hysterical bout of laughter erupts , and [I]454-jesse ’m forced to shush [her]238-ava before [she]238-ava wakes [the kids]2010-the kids . Too late . [We]2010-the kids meet [a sleepy - looking pair]3020-a sleepy - looking pair when [we]2010-the kids get to the top of [the stairs]244-the stairs . “[454-jesse] Go back to bed , [I]32-mum tell [them]2010-the kids as [they]2010-the kids mirror each other , rubbing at [their]2010-the kids drowsy eyes . “[32-mum] [Mum]32-mum ’s just a little drunk . ” “[32-mum] A little ? [Jacob]60-jacob looks as disapproving as [I]0-i feel , though [Maddie]26-maddie seems amused . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m a lot drunk , [Ava]238-ava declares , wriggling free of [my]0-i arms . [I]0-i grumble as [I]0-i set [her]238-ava on [her]238-ava feet , holding [her]238-ava arm tightly . “[0-i] And [I]0-i love [you]0-i two ! ” “[0-i] Oh God . [Maddie]26-maddie cringes when [Ava]238-ava lavishes [her]238-ava with affection . “[32-mum] [Mum]32-mum , please ! ” “[0-i] [You]0-i ’re the best things that ever happened to [me]0-i . [She]238-ava turns [her]238-ava attention onto [an alarmed Jacob]240-my boy . “[0-i] Do n’t tell [Dad]1256-dad that , [[my]0-i boy]240-my boy quips drily , letting [Ava]238-ava do what [she]238-ava ’s going to do . “[0-i] [I]0-i think it ’s [your]0-i bedtime , [Mum]32-mum . ” “[0-i] [I]0-i think so , too . [She]238-ava pulls [Jacob]60-jacob into [her]238-ava chest and squeezes [him]60-jacob , [his]60-jacob cheeks all squished against [her]238-ava chest . “[0-i] [You]0-i ’re just as handsome as [[your]0-i dad]1256-dad . ” “[0-i] [I]0-i know , [he]240-my boy mumbles , rolling [his]240-my boy eyes at [me]0-i . [Maddie]26-maddie ca n’t contain [her]26-maddie amusement , chuckling to [herself]26-maddie . “[0-i] Come on . [I]0-i claim [[my]0-i drunken wife]3023-my drunken wife before [she]3023-my drunken wife makes even more of a show of [herself]26-maddie , flicking [my]0-i head to [the kids for [them]3024-the kids for them]3024-the kids for them to get back to bed . [Their]3024-the kids for them smiles are fond as [I]0-i walk [Ava]238-ava to [the bedroom]302-the bedroom , [her]238-ava steps clumsy . “[0-i] In [you]1561-you get . [I]0-i unzip the back of [her]238-ava dress and lower [her]238-ava to the sheets . [She]238-ava proceeds to writhe around the bed . “[0-i] Keep still . ” “[0-i] Are [you]1561-you going to fuck [me]0-i , [Jesse Ward]454-jesse ? [I]0-i ’ll scream real loud . ” “[0-i] Behave , [lady]0-i . [I]0-i chuckle , dragging the gold material down [her]0-i body and casting it aside . “[0-i] Underwear . [Her]0-i arms catapult upward , landing on the pillows . “[0-i] Strip [me]0-i bare . ” “[0-i] [I]0-i did that years ago . Right down to [your]1561-you soul . [She]0-i quiets down a little , squinting to look at [me]0-i . “[0-i] [I]0-i missed [you]1561-you tonight . ” “[0-i] Good . ” When [she]0-i ’s down to just [her]0-i skin , [I]0-i remove [my]0-i shorts and climb in beside [her]0-i , ignoring the stench of alcohol oozing from [her]0-i pores . [I]0-i remain still while [she]0-i finds [her]0-i favorite place on [my]0-i chest , flopping down heavily on a deep sigh . [I]0-i wrap [her]0-i in [my]0-i arms and smile to [myself]0-i as [her]0-i breathing becomes shallow . “[0-i] And now [I]0-i ’ll miss [you]1561-you while [I]0-i ’m asleep . [Her]0-i murmured words are just what [I]0-i need to hear . [She]0-i ’s glad to be back . With [me]0-i . Chapter 48 [Ava]238-ava had a terrible hangover the next day . [I]0-i was smug . Could n’t help it . But a few days later [she]0-i still looked washed out . Of course , [I]0-i put the call in to [[her]0-i doctor]1068-her doctor to check [I]0-i was n’t missing something , and [he]1068-her doctor assured [me]0-i all was well . Just something going around , apparently . [She]0-i ’s now been laid up for nearly a week , though [she]0-i managed to go to yoga yesterday . [I]0-i was skeptical , but [she]0-i insisted . [I]0-i even let [her]0-i go for a coffee with [that new friend of [hers]0-i]3027-that new friend of hers . See ? [I]0-i can be reasonable . [I]0-i look at [the kids]2010-the kids as [they]2010-the kids eat [their]2010-the kids breakfast , thinking [they]2010-the kids look a little pasty , too . Or am [I]0-i being paranoid ? “[0-i] [You]1562-you two feeling okay ? [I]0-i ask . [They]2010-the kids both nod , barely even looking at [me]0-i , [their]2010-the kids eyes glued to [their]2010-the kids iPads instead . [I]0-i wander over and snatch the tablets from [their]2010-the kids hands , earning a couple of disgruntled moans . “[0-i] Shower . [We]1563-we have [Uncle Drew]53-drew ’s wedding to go to . [They]2010-the kids grumble , both dragging [their]2010-the kids feet as [they]2010-the kids go . “[1563-we] [Good little children]1564-good little children . [I]116-zara smirk as [they]2010-the kids both give [me]116-zara the death stare before [they]2010-the kids disappear . [Ava]238-ava ’s phone rings , and [I]116-zara swipe it up from the side table , looking at the screen as [I]116-zara make [my]116-zara way [upstairs]589-upstairs to [my]116-zara check up on [[my]116-zara wife]525-my wife . “[116-zara] [Zara]116-zara , [I]116-zara muse , connecting the call . Time for [me]116-zara to introduce [myself]116-zara to [this new friend]525-my wife . “[116-zara] Hi . [I]1565-i hear a few rustles , and then the phone goes dead . [I]1565-i frown down at the screen as a text message lands . Call [me]1565-i when [you]525-my wife ’re free . Just checking how [you]525-my wife ’re feeling . [I]1565-i take the liberty of answering for [Ava]238-ava . It ’s [Jesse]454-jesse . [[Ava]238-ava ’s husband]525-my wife . [We]3031-we ’re on [our]3031-we way to a wedding . [I]1565-i ’ll get [her]238-ava to call [you]525-my wife tomorrow . Ah ! [The famous husband]525-my wife . [I]1565-i ’ve heard lots about [you]525-my wife ;-) Did [she]238-ava just fucking wink at [me]1565-i ? [I]1565-i give the phone a dubious glare , wondering what exactly [Ava]238-ava ’s been telling [her]238-ava that warrants a wink . [I]1565-i do n’t know , but [I]1565-i make a mental note to ask . [I]1565-i ’m surprised when [I]1565-i find [Ava]238-ava sitting in front of the mirror , straightening [her]238-ava hair . “[1565-i] [You]1565-i look perkier . [I]1565-i chuck [her]1566-your yoga friend phone on the bed and lower to the floor behind [her]1566-your yoga friend , framing [her]1566-your yoga friend with [my]1565-i knees , shifting in close until [my]1565-i groin is wedged up close to [her]1566-your yoga friend lower back . “[1565-i] [[Your]1565-i yoga friend]1566-your yoga friend just texted [you]1566-your yoga friend . [I]0-i told [her]1566-your yoga friend [you]1566-your yoga friend ’d call [her]1566-your yoga friend tomorrow . ” “[0-i] [You]1566-your yoga friend read and answered [my]0-i message ? [she]1566-your yoga friend asks in shock . “[1566-your yoga friend] Yes . [I]1566-your yoga friend show no remorse , because [I]1566-your yoga friend have none . “[1566-your yoga friend] So what have [you]1566-your yoga friend been telling this [Zara]116-zara about [me]0-i ? [Ava]238-ava ’s eyes narrow playfully as [she]238-ava sweeps [her]238-ava cheeks with a makeup brush , adding a glow to [her]238-ava cheekbones . “[116-zara] That [you]1566-your yoga friend ’re [a god]2768-a god . That [you]1566-your yoga friend ’re possessive , unreasonable , and controlling , but it ’s all because [you]1566-your yoga friend love [me]0-i with every bone in [your]1566-your yoga friend body . ” “[116-zara] And every drop of blood in [my]0-i veins , [I]116-zara add , giving [her]238-ava a devilish smirk , but it falls when [I]116-zara notice [she]238-ava does n’t return it . [She]238-ava ’s looking pensive . “[116-zara] Hey , what ’s up ? ” Is [she]238-ava worried about the wedding ? The public appearance in front of [so many people]3032-so many people ? [I]116-zara do n’t think it could be that . [She]238-ava ’s seemed okay this past week , [her]238-ava bug aside . Sometimes quiet , but that ’s to be expected . [I]116-zara ’ve gotten used to [her]238-ava losing [herself]238-ava in [her]238-ava thoughts every now and then , concluding that [she]238-ava ’s trying to recall something . There have been no monumental breakthroughs in [her]238-ava memories . [We]3033-we ’ve just kind of fallen back into life . And it ’s been good . Relatively normal , aside from the odd thing [she]238-ava forgets every now and then . According to [[her]238-ava doctor]1068-her doctor , that ’s normal , too . [I]116-zara ca n’t deny , though , [I]116-zara still feel so uncertain about so many things . Yet one thing [I]116-zara ’m sure of is [our]3035-our beautiful , unrelenting love . But love is n’t always beautiful . Sometimes it ’s tragic . Most of the time it ’s tragic . It cuts [you]3036-you up , tears [you]3036-you apart , fucking suffocates [you]3036-you , but it ’s the only thing that can put [you]3036-you back together again . It ’s [a sadistic bastard]3037-a sadistic bastard as well as the most enriching , comforting thing in [this world]198-this world . And that ’s what [I]116-zara ’ve survived on — [my]116-zara love , [our]3033-we love , because if [I]116-zara ’ve learned anything , it ’s that time stops for [no one]210-no one . Life continues no matter if [you]3040-you ’re happy with where [yours]3040-you has been or where it is heading . [You]3040-you ca n’t stop it . [You]3040-you just have to tilt the scale and make it the best it can be . Change the direction toward somewhere [you]3040-you want to go . And that ’s exactly what [I]116-zara ’ve done . And [I]116-zara thought [I]116-zara ’d done a good job . So why is [she]3041-she looking so unsure all of a sudden ? Placing [her]3041-she makeup brush on the floor , [she]3041-she stares at [me]116-zara in the mirror , biting [her]3041-she lip , thinking . “[116-zara] Is it [your]1568-your head ? [I]116-zara ask . “[116-zara] Do [you]1568-your still feel off ? ” Oh shit , has [she]3041-she had a breakthrough and not told [me]0-i , maybe because [she]3041-she ’s shocked ? Horrified ? Or , worse still , questioning why [she]3041-she ’s in this marriage ? [Piles]148-piles and piles of reasons for [her]3041-she despondency all land on [me]0-i at once , and [I]0-i filter through the barrage , trying to dwindle it down to anything obvious . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m pregnant . ” Everything except that . There ’s some kind of blockage happening between [my]0-i brain and mouth , rendering [me]0-i unable to speak . Pregnant ? How ? [The blockage]3042-the blockage suddenly dislodges , and [I]0-i immediately start shaking like [a motherfucker]3043-a motherfucker , [my]0-i body cold . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m sorry , what ? [Her]0-i eyes , sharp but cautious , study [me]0-i in the reflection . “[0-i] [I]0-i … am … pregnant . ” This time , [she]0-i spells it out , as if [I]0-i did n’t catch the bombshell the first time . Pregnant . Pregnant . Pregnant . “[0-i] Pregnant , [I]0-i finally manage , swallowing hard . “[0-i] How ? [She]0-i shrugs , looking a little timid . “[0-i] The antibiotics , [I]0-i think . Sometimes [they]1569-i interfere with the pill . ” “[1569-i] Fucking hell , [I]1569-i all but breathe , slapping the ball of [my]1569-i fist into [my]1569-i forehead . The irony does n’t escape [me]1569-i . It does n’t escape [Ava]238-ava either , going by the slight twist of [her]238-ava lips . When [we]3044-we met and [she]238-ava turned [my]1569-i world upside down , [I]1569-i spent weeks sneakily stealing [her]238-ava pills in a wild and reckless mission to get [her]238-ava pregnant to ensure [I]1569-i could keep [her]238-ava forever . It was no accidental pregnancy , not on [my]1569-i part , anyway . And [I]1569-i would n’t change a damn thing , either . [I]1569-i adore [[my]1569-i kids]261-my kids , would n’t be without [them]261-my kids . But it does n’t mean [I]1569-i want more . “[1569-i] [I]0-i knew [you]1570-you would n’t take it well . [Her]238-ava soft murmur breaks into the bedlam that is [my]0-i thoughts . [I]0-i ’m astounded by [her]238-ava calmness . Why is n’t [she]238-ava spiraling into meltdown with [me]0-i ? “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m fifty , [Ava]238-ava . [I]238-ava get up and start pacing [the room]202-the room . “[238-ava] [I]0-i ’m way too old to be [a dad]1571-a dad again . ” “[238-ava] No , [you]238-ava ’re not . [[My]238-ava wife]238-ava sounds irked , and [I]238-ava look to find [she]238-ava really is , [her]238-ava face bunched , annoyed . “[238-ava] [Parents]317-parents are getting older all the time . [She]238-ava shrugs . “[317-parents] At least that ’s what [[my]0-i midwife]1573-the midwife said . ” “[317-parents] [You]238-ava ’ve been to [the midwife]1573-the midwife ? ” Without [me]317-parents ? “[317-parents] When ? ” “[0-i] [I]0-i got [a taxi]2958-a taxi to [[the doctor]2188-the doctor ’s office]1576-the doctor ’s office after [you]238-ava dropped [me]0-i at yoga yesterday . [I]0-i needed to be sure before [I]0-i gave [you]238-ava the news that [I]0-i knew would send [you]238-ava into orbit . ” Orbit ? How about another fucking galaxy ? “[0-i] Pregnant ! [I]0-i bark for the sake of it . “[0-i] [I]0-i ca n’t believe this . ” It ’s really sinking in now , visions of [Kate]194-kate and [Sam]50-sam ’s weary faces since [Betty]424-elizabeth arrived popping into [my]0-i mind . [I]0-i ’ve done [my]0-i time . [My]0-i days of shitty nappies and sleepless nights are done with . “[0-i] Oh [[my]0-i God]26-maddie , [I]26-maddie sputter , marching to [the bathroom]294-the bathroom and punching the shower on , muttering all kinds of nonsensical shit as [I]26-maddie strip down . [I]26-maddie get under the spray and hope the cold water will wake [me]26-maddie up from [my]26-maddie nightmare . “[26-maddie] [You]26-maddie ’re taking it rather well . [She]238-ava quips , appearing beyond the shower door , watching [me]238-ava scrub every inch of [my]238-ava body . “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava , let ’s put this into perspective . [I]238-ava get close to the screen so [she]238-ava can see just how fucking panicked [I]238-ava am . “[238-ava] When [this baby]2778-this baby is ten , [I]0-i ’ll be nearly sixty - one . [I]0-i shudder . Fuck [me]0-i , [I]0-i ’ve only just got used to fifty . That ’s a lie . [I]0-i ’m not used to it at all , and , in fact , in [my]0-i mind [I]0-i ’m still actually forty . Sixty ? [I]0-i ’ll blink and it ’ll be here . “[0-i] [The twins]2012-the twins will be in university and [I]0-i ’ll be taking [[our]1580-our youngest]1581-our youngest to [school]2011-school on a fucking mobility scooter . [I]0-i want to cry , whereas [Ava]238-ava just sighs , letting [me]0-i babble on . Good . [I]0-i have plenty to say . “[0-i] And [I]0-i ’ll have to make at least three stops on the way to piss because [my]0-i old bladder wo n’t be able to hold a cup of coffee for longer than ten minutes . [I]1583-my stagger back , out of breath , half assisted by [my]1583-my panic , half assisted by [my]1583-my spew of words without catching [my]1583-my breath . This is awful ! “[1583-my] [You]1583-my ’re being ridiculous . [She]238-ava stalks off , leaving [me]1583-my heaving like [a worn - out racehorse]3048-a worn - out racehorse , all alone in the cold shower . “[1583-my] [I]0-i have the scan on Tuesday . Come if [you]1584-you want , and if [you]1584-you do n’t want to that ’s fine . Do n’t think [I]0-i ca n’t do this on [my]0-i own . ” And just like that [I]0-i ’m snapped out of [my]0-i meltdown . [She]238-ava ’ll do it on [her]238-ava own ? Without [me]0-i ? [I]0-i flinch , the thought more than stinging . And then [I]0-i frown to [myself]0-i , wondering what on [earth]471-earth has gotten into [me]0-i . And [I]0-i think real hard . [I]0-i think about what the actual issue here is , and it is n’t [another baby]2850-another baby being around . It ’s [me]0-i . [My]0-i issue . [That damn fucker]3051-that damn fucker called age . That ’s the problem . That ’s what ’s got [me]0-i all in a pickle . It has nothing to do with being [a daddy]3052-a daddy again . But everything to do with [my]0-i stupid complex . And maybe another factor is the thought of having [another someone]3053-another someone to worry about . More anxiety . Fuck , [another person]3054-another person to obsess about will be a strain that could finish [me]0-i off . [My]0-i heart ’s speeding more just thinking about it . [I]0-i breathe in and breathe out , trying to talk [myself]0-i down . And [I]0-i think about [Ava]238-ava ’s face just now . How calm and serene [she]238-ava seemed , even when [I]0-i tipped the meltdown scales . “[0-i] Fuck , [I]0-i mumble . Can [I]0-i do this ? [I]0-i look to the bathroom door . Can [I]0-i do this for [Ava]238-ava ? Good Lord , [I]0-i have to . [I]0-i can get over all of [my]0-i issues because [I]0-i want [[my]0-i wife]238-ava to be happy . Especially now . Especially after everything . [She]238-ava needs this . Maybe [I]0-i do , too . And [the kids]2010-the kids . Something special and new to focus on . [I]0-i drag [my]0-i hands down [my]0-i scratchy cheeks . “[0-i] God damn [you]1585-you , [Ward]238-ava , [I]238-ava say to [myself]238-ava , stepping out of the shower and grabbing a towel . [I]238-ava have some serious sucking up to do . [I]238-ava feel like a total wanker . “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava ? [I]238-ava say timidly , creeping into [the dressing room]258-the dressing room . [She]238-ava has the wide - leg trousers of [her]238-ava navy Ralph Lauren suit on , a cream silk shirt held against [her]238-ava front . And [she]238-ava ’s watching [me]238-ava . [I]238-ava ’m about to launch into [my]238-ava apology , but [she]238-ava beats [me]238-ava to it . “[238-ava] [We]1586-we may have laughed about it that time when [we]1586-we visited [Betty]424-elizabeth , but [you]424-elizabeth know what ? [I]0-i ’m happy this has happened . [I]0-i ’m thrilled , in fact . Maybe this is just what [we]1586-we need . [All of [us]1586-we]612-all of us . [Me]0-i , [you]424-elizabeth , and [the kids]2010-the kids . A new life to channel [our]1586-we energy and attention on . Something to look forward to . Something to distract [us]1586-we from the shit storm of the past couple months . [She]238-ava breathes in and shoves [her]238-ava arms through the sleeves of [her]238-ava shirt , while [I]238-ava remain still in the doorway , feeling so ashamed . [She]238-ava ’s thinking the same as [me]238-ava , though [she]238-ava got there a lot quicker than [me]238-ava , clearly . [She]238-ava ’s been sitting on this since yesterday . [She]238-ava ’s been scared to tell [me]238-ava , and [I]238-ava ’ve just demonstrated every reason why . “[238-ava] But do n’t [you]424-elizabeth worry [your]424-elizabeth fifty - year - old head , [Ward]238-ava . ” Reaching out , [she]238-ava yanks the cropped jacket of [her]238-ava suit down and shoves it on , fixing the collar of [her]238-ava blouse . “[238-ava] [We]1586-we ’ll be fine without [you]424-elizabeth . ” “[26-maddie] [Jesus]26-maddie , enough with the knives to [my]0-i fucking heart , [woman]26-maddie . The first did enough damage . ” But [every man at some time in [his]3057-every man at some time in his life life]3057-every man at some time in his life needs putting in [his]3057-every man at some time in his life place . And for [me]424-elizabeth , [no woman on [this planet]2553-this planet]3058-no woman on this planet could ever do it better than [[my]424-elizabeth wife]26-maddie . “[424-elizabeth] [You]424-elizabeth asked for it . [She]238-ava storms past [me]424-elizabeth , but [I]424-elizabeth just catch [her]238-ava wrist , jolting [her]238-ava to a stop . [Both of [us]461-both of us]461-both of us silent , [I]424-elizabeth take [her]238-ava by the waist and lift [her]238-ava onto one of the cabinets , muscling [my]424-elizabeth way to between [her]238-ava thighs . [Her]238-ava face is sulky as [I]424-elizabeth claim [her]238-ava hands and put them on [my]424-elizabeth shoulders . “[424-elizabeth] Snap out of it . ” “[424-elizabeth] That ’s rich coming from [you]424-elizabeth , [she]238-ava snorts , flexing [her]238-ava fingers on [my]424-elizabeth wet shoulders , [her]238-ava eyes focused there . [I]424-elizabeth inwardly smile . “[424-elizabeth] Imagine life without [me]0-i , [I]424-elizabeth tell [her]238-ava , and [she]238-ava physically jolts . “[424-elizabeth] Not nice , is it ? ” “[424-elizabeth] What ’s [your]424-elizabeth point ? ” “[0-i] [My]0-i point is [you]424-elizabeth should n’t say [you]424-elizabeth ’ll be fine without [me]0-i , because [you]424-elizabeth wo n’t be . And neither will [I]0-i without [you]424-elizabeth . [She]238-ava breathes out , exasperated . “[305-anyone] [Anyone]305-anyone would think [I]0-i ’d just told [you]424-elizabeth [I]0-i have one month to live . [Her]238-ava twitch is immediate , and so is [my]305-anyone growl . “[305-anyone] Sorry , [she]238-ava squeaks , lips pressed together , probably a ploy to stop [her]238-ava saying any more stupid shit . “[305-anyone] Do n’t think because [you]424-elizabeth ’re pregnant [I]0-i wo n’t slap [your]424-elizabeth arse silly . ” “[0-i] Would n’t be the first time , [she]238-ava grunts , and then [she]238-ava gasps , [her]238-ava eyes wide . “[0-i] Oh [my]0-i God ! [My]0-i head drops back , [my]0-i eyes closing . “[0-i] Yes , [I]0-i did that , [I]424-elizabeth confirm . [I]424-elizabeth do n’t get all excited at this morsel of a memory , and [I]424-elizabeth do n’t search for more . This is how it is now . How it ’ll always be . Little pieces here and there , and maybe one day in a few hundred years , [she]238-ava ’ll have the whole story . [I]424-elizabeth ’m hoping minus a few not so pretty parts . Like [Lauren]1535-lauren . And the accident . And the … [I]424-elizabeth let [my]424-elizabeth thoughts trail off there and bat back the growing guilt . [I]424-elizabeth have more important things to think about . Especially now . “[424-elizabeth] [You]424-elizabeth animal , [Ava]238-ava teases , and [I]424-elizabeth laugh . [She]238-ava never fucking fought [me]424-elizabeth . “[424-elizabeth] So what now , then ? ” “[424-elizabeth] Now , [I]424-elizabeth say , slowly bending at the waist , keeping [our]1591-we eye contact as [I]424-elizabeth lower [my]424-elizabeth head . “[424-elizabeth] Now [we]1591-we have [another baby]2850-another baby . ” It ’s that simple . [I]2850-another baby drop a kiss on [her]238-ava tummy and take pure pleasure from [her]238-ava happy beam . How could [I]2850-another baby deny [her]238-ava this ? Bottom line , [I]2850-another baby could n’t . And [I]2850-another baby wo n’t . “[2850-another baby] When should [we]1591-we tell [the twins]2012-the twins ? [she]238-ava asks , losing [her]238-ava delight for a split second . [She]238-ava ’s worried . There ’s no need . [I]2850-another baby saw [Maddie]26-maddie with [Betty]424-elizabeth the other day . [She]238-ava was besotted . And [Jacob]60-jacob is so laid - back [he]60-jacob ’s nearly horizontal . [They]2012-the twins ’ll be fine . “[2850-another baby] Let ’s focus on [Drew]53-drew and [Raya]54-raya for today . [I]2850-another baby lift [her]54-raya down and drop a light kiss on [her]54-raya forehead . “[2850-another baby] Let ’s not steal [their]2012-the twins thunder . [She]54-raya smiles , and [her]54-raya eyes sparkle brightly . It ’s the sparkle that ’s been absent for far too long . So [I]2850-another baby ’m gon na be [a dad]1571-a dad again ? [I]2850-another baby roll [my]2850-another baby naked shoulders and smooth [my]2850-another baby hair in the mirror . [I]2850-another baby must be [the best - looking fifty - year - old dad who ever lived]1571-a dad . Chapter 49 The ceremony was beautiful , [the small church in [a village]497-the city on [the outskirts of [the city]497-the city]496-the outskirts of the city]3062-the small church in a village on the outskirts of the city crammed with white orchids and [a few dozen guests]3065-a few dozen guests . [Kate]194-kate and [Ava]238-ava cried like a pair of babies . And [Raya]54-raya looked out of [this world]198-this world in a long satin gown . [I]2850-another baby do n’t think [I]2850-another baby ’ve ever seen [Drew]53-drew smile so wide . [The man]2289-the man looked like [he]2289-the man was walking on clouds the entire service , and [little Georgia]58-georgia was grinning from ear to ear . [We]3068-we finally make it to the elaborate tent in a field in [the quaint village]497-the city after being accosted for photographs and ordered into various groups here and there . [I]2850-another baby ’m not surprised when [we]3068-we break through the billowing voile sheets at the entrance to find [Sam]50-sam with a beer in one hand , [Betty]424-elizabeth in the other . [Maddie]26-maddie is off like a rocket when [she]26-maddie spots [Georgia]58-georgia helping to ladle punch into glasses for [guests]680-guests , ever willing to help , and [Jacob]60-jacob goes about finding [our]3068-we names on the place cards around the tables . [I]2850-another baby leave [Ava]238-ava to use [the ladies]2611-the ladies and approach [Sam]50-sam , [my]2850-another baby eyes nailed to the bundle of joy lying across [his]50-sam left arm . One minute [my]2850-another baby hands are empty , the next [they]2611-the ladies ’re full of [a baby]1412-a baby . [I]2850-another baby look at [Sam]50-sam , alarmed . “[2850-another baby] What are [you]1594-you doing ? ” “[2850-another baby] Just give [me]0-i a minute ; [I]0-i forgot to bring in [Betty]424-elizabeth ’s changing bag from [the car]2161-the car . [He]50-sam ’s gone before [I]0-i can protest , leaving [me]0-i to fend for [myself]0-i . Like a big oaf , [I]0-i carefully negotiate [her]424-elizabeth into the cradle of [my]0-i arm . So carefully . [I]0-i ’m all nervous . [I]0-i did this a million times with [my]0-i own , but that was a long , long time ago . [I]0-i look down at [her]424-elizabeth adorable little face . [Her]424-elizabeth hair is [Kate]194-kate all over , red and vibrant , even now , but [she]424-elizabeth has [Sam]50-sam ’s cute nose . [She]424-elizabeth ’s awake , [her]424-elizabeth hands at [her]424-elizabeth mouth . [I]0-i remember the signs . [She]424-elizabeth ’s hungry . And the flakes of skin scattered between the red strands of [her]424-elizabeth hair are signs of cradle cap . [I]0-i remember that , too . [I]0-i smile , taking [my]0-i index finger to [her]424-elizabeth cheek and stroking [her]424-elizabeth baby - soft skin . A million memories come back to [me]0-i , times [I]0-i ’d forgotten recently amid the chaos of [our]3072-our lives . The times [the twins]2012-the twins would lie on [my]0-i chest and [snooze]149-snooze , [Ava]238-ava curled into [my]0-i side . The times [I]0-i juggled feeding both of [them]2012-the twins , getting it down to a fine art . How quickly [I]0-i figured out that [Jacob]60-jacob was more patient than [Maddie]26-maddie , so [I]0-i ’d see to [her]238-ava dirty nappy first . The joy [I]0-i used to get at bath time , watching [their]2012-the twins little limbs splash the shallow water . And that smell . The smell [I]0-i could n’t get enough of . Pure , perfect baby scent . It was like a sedative , could send [me]0-i to sleep . And it often did . “[0-i] Hey , [man]586-man , [you]586-man okay ? [Sam]50-sam ’s question rouses [me]0-i from [my]0-i reflections , and [I]0-i pull back [my]0-i finger from [Betty]424-elizabeth ’s cheek , coughing [my]0-i throat clear as [I]0-i hand [her]424-elizabeth back to [[her]424-elizabeth dad]3074-her dad . [Sam]50-sam lowers [his]50-sam mouth to [[his]50-sam daughter]424-elizabeth ’s head . “[0-i] [I]0-i think [Uncle Jesse]454-jesse is getting broody . [I]454-jesse scoff for the sake of it , to mask [our]3075-our secret . “[454-jesse] [My]0-i baby days are done . ” Total lie . “[194-kate] Where ’s [Kate]194-kate ? ” “[194-kate] [She]194-kate ’s just using [the ladies]2611-the ladies before [she]194-kate finds somewhere quiet to feed [Betty]424-elizabeth . ” A riotous applause breaks out when [Drew]53-drew and [Raya]54-raya enter the marquee , all attention turning [their]2611-the ladies way . And when [Drew]53-drew dramatically dips [Raya]54-raya and kisses the living daylights out of [her]54-raya , the noise ramps up a few thousand decibels . [Betty]424-elizabeth starts squawking , the shrillness piercing the cheers . “[194-kate] Oh , fuck , it ’s dinnertime and [she]194-kate ’s pissed at the noise . [Sam]50-sam heads off to find [Kate]194-kate , and [I]1598-you head to [Drew]53-drew , pulling [him]53-drew away from a playfully scowling [Raya]54-raya . “[1598-you] [Your]1598-you turn in a minute , [I]1598-you assure [her]54-raya cheekily , landing a kiss on [[my]1598-you mate]313-my mate ’s cheek . “[1598-you] Congratulations , [you]1598-you great pussy . ” “[1598-you] Fuck [you]1598-you . [He]53-drew laughs , [his]53-drew blue eyes sparkling happily . “[238-ava] How ’s [Ava]238-ava ? [Pregnant]150-pregnant ! [My]238-ava head screams the announcement , but [my]238-ava mouth refuses to say it . Not because [I]238-ava do n’t want to , [I]238-ava kind of do , maybe to get some reassurance from [my]238-ava pals , but because this is [Drew]53-drew and [Raya]54-raya ’s day , and the shine should n’t be taken off of that . “[238-ava] [She]238-ava ’s good . But just [you]1598-you worry about giving [[your]1598-you wife]364-your wife the day [she]238-ava deserves . [He]53-drew smiles , looking across to the gorgeous [Raya]54-raya , a section of [her]54-raya platinum blonde hair plaited and pinned , forming a pretty band across [her]54-raya head , flowers woven throughout . “[238-ava] Does n’t [she]238-ava look gorgeous ? [Drew]53-drew muses as [she]238-ava joins [us]3077-us , tucking [herself]238-ava neatly into [his]53-drew side . “[238-ava] Beautiful , [I]238-ava agree , bending to kiss [her]238-ava cheek before returning [my]238-ava attention to [Drew]53-drew . “[238-ava] Hey , do [you]1598-you remember that time when [you]1598-you turned up at [[my]0-i house]1600-my house in [a state]1601-a state because [you]1598-you ’d made love to [a woman]51-joseph ? [I]238-ava very nearly have to dip to miss the daggers coming at [me]238-ava . “[238-ava] What ’s that , then ? [Raya]54-raya asks , interested . “[238-ava] Nothing , [Drew]53-drew says lowly , [his]53-drew dark stare on [me]238-ava . [He]1603-he knows [me]238-ava . Too well . “[238-ava] For the record , [the woman [he]1603-he ’d made love to was [you]1598-you]51-joseph . ” “[0-i] [I]0-i ’d hope so ! [she]51-joseph laughs . “[0-i] Since before [me]0-i [he]1603-he only fucked with those chains of [his]1603-he . [Drew]53-drew moans , claiming a glass of water from a tray and placing it in [[his]1603-he wife]51-joseph ’s hand . “[0-i] Yes , [I]0-i was [a fucker]1604-a fucker before [I]0-i met [you]1598-you and now [I]0-i ’m [a lover]1605-a lover . [He]1603-he pecks [her]54-raya lips . “[0-i] [You]1598-you ’ve turned [me]0-i . ” “[1598-you] Who ’s turned who ? [Ava]238-ava asks , joining [us]3078-us . As [the waiter]1025-the waiter passes again , [I]54-raya take a glass of water from the tray and put it in [her]238-ava hand . “[54-raya] [Raya]54-raya turned [Drew]53-drew from [a fucker]1604-a fucker to [a master lovemaker]1606-a master lovemaker . Not dissimilar to [you]1598-you and [me]0-i . [I]1598-you smile bright and cheekily . “[1598-you] [You]1598-you still fuck , [Ward]238-ava , [she]1598-you says drily , smiling at [Raya]54-raya when [she]1598-you laughs , [each of [them]3080-each of them]3080-each of them taking a sip of [their]3080-each of them wa — Hold up . [My]238-ava eyes meet [Drew]53-drew ’s , and [I]238-ava know [we]3081-we ’re thinking the exact same thing . “[238-ava] Why is n’t [[your]1598-you wife]364-your wife indulging in champagne on [your]1598-you wedding day ? [I]1598-you ask . “[1598-you] Why is n’t [yours]1598-you ? [he]1598-you retorts . “[364-your wife] [She]364-your wife ’s thirsty . ” “[364-your wife] So is [Raya]54-raya . [I]54-raya feel [my]54-raya lips twitching , prompting [Drew]53-drew ’s to tweak at the corners , too . “[54-raya] Oh [my]0-i God , [Raya]54-raya breathes . “[54-raya] [Me]0-i and [Drew]53-drew are pregnant ! ” “[1608-us] [Us]1608-us too ! [I]1608-us yell , way too loudly , earning a knock of [my]1608-us arm from [Ava]238-ava . “[1608-us] What the fuck ? [Drew]53-drew balks . “[1608-us] Oh [my]0-i God ! [Raya]54-raya sings . “[1608-us] What ? [Sam]50-sam asks , scanning [us]1608-us all as [he]50-sam rejoins [the group]3082-the group . [I]1608-us look to [Drew]53-drew , to [Raya]54-raya , and then to [Ava]238-ava . And shrug . [I]1608-us ’m not leading on this one . [Drew]53-drew sighs , but [his]53-drew smile is n’t containable . “[1608-us] [We]1608-us were saving it for after the wedding , but does n’t look like that ’s happening . [He]53-drew wraps [his]53-drew arms around [Raya]54-raya ’s shoulder . “[1608-us] [We]1608-us ’re having [a baby]1412-a baby . ” “[1608-us] No way ! [Sam]50-sam ’s on [them]1608-us with enthusiasm , knocking [Raya]54-raya ’s water all over [the place]2265-the place . “[1608-us] Congratulations , [you]1608-us two ! ” “[1608-us] Thanks . [Raya]54-raya blushes somewhat , pointing [her]54-raya empty glass to [us]1608-us while [she]54-raya wipes down [her]54-raya dress . “[1608-us] And congratulations to [Jesse]454-jesse and [Ava]238-ava , too . ” “[1608-us] Huh ? [Sam]50-sam swings around , looking at [us]1608-us in turn . “[1608-us] What are [you]1608-us two celebrating ? [I]1608-us look at [Ava]238-ava . [She]238-ava looks at [me]1608-us . “[1608-us] The medication [she]238-ava ’s on screwed with [her]238-ava pill . [Sam]50-sam is silent for a few uncomfortable seconds , looking between [us]1608-us . And then [he]50-sam falls apart , hands on [his]50-sam knees and everything . “[238-ava] Fuck , [Jesse]454-jesse . Say hello to karma . [My]1610-poor baby situation makes [me]1610-poor baby the laughingstock of [the whole group]3084-the whole group , including [[my]1610-poor baby wife]26-maddie , who reaches for [my]1610-poor baby face and gives it a sarcastic pat . “[1610-poor baby] [Poor baby]1610-poor baby . ” “[1610-poor baby] Be quiet . [I]0-i ’ve got [my]0-i head around it now . ” “[0-i] Head around what ? [Kate]194-kate asks , handing [Betty]424-elizabeth to [a laughing Sam]3086-a laughing sam . [He]1610-poor baby just ca n’t contain [himself]1610-poor baby , jerking [[his]1610-poor baby girl]424-elizabeth in [his]1610-poor baby arms as [he]1610-poor baby wipes at [his]1610-poor baby eyes . “[54-raya] [Raya]54-raya ’s pregnant , [he]1610-poor baby tells [her]54-raya . “[54-raya] Oh God , [[you]1611-you guys]2324-you guys ! [Kate]194-kate gushes . “[238-ava] And so is [Ava]238-ava . ” “[238-ava] What the fuck ? [She]194-kate swings around , blue eyes wide , [her]194-kate red hair whipping [her]194-kate face . “[238-ava] See . [Ava]238-ava chucks a heavy hand in the air . “[238-ava] This is exactly why [I]0-i did n’t want to tell [anyone]305-anyone today . Now [I]0-i feel like [I]0-i ’ve stolen two lots of thunder . [Raya]54-raya muscles [me]0-i out of the way and puts a comforting arm around [Ava]238-ava ’s waist . “[0-i] Are [you]1611-you kidding [me]0-i ? [I]0-i ca n’t wait to be expecting with [you]1611-you . [You]1611-you ’re a pro . [I]0-i ’m gon na need all the help [I]0-i can get . [I]1614-we could kiss [the woman]26-maddie . [She]26-maddie could n’t have said a nicer thing at a better time . “[1614-we] [We]1614-we ’ll be [the baby club]1615-the baby club ! [Kate]194-kate sings , delighted . “[1614-we] [We]1614-we have n’t told [the twins]2012-the twins yet . ” That worry [I]1614-we do n’t like passes over [Ava]238-ava ’s face . [Everyone]283-everyone looks across to the drinks table , where [Jacob]60-jacob is cracking the caps off bottles of beer for [the men]2252-the men , and [Georgia]58-georgia and [Maddie]26-maddie are still happily pouring punch . “[1614-we] Does [Georgia]58-georgia know ? [I]58-georgia ask . “[58-georgia] Yes . [Raya]54-raya beams . “[1617-she] [She]1617-she ’s more excited than [Drew]53-drew . ” “[1617-she] Here ’s to [babies]1059-babies , [Sam]50-sam whisper - hisses , raising [his]50-sam glass as [he]50-sam bends toward [us]1614-we . “[1059-babies] To [babies]1059-babies , [we]1614-we all chant quietly , leaning into [our]1614-we little circle and laughing . * * * Good food , good company , amazing venue , superb occasion . It ’s been a fucking brilliant day , [everyone together]283-everyone , and after [Drew]53-drew and [Raya]54-raya have had [their]283-everyone first dance to [Eric Clapton]151-eric clapton ’s “[1059-babies] Wonderful Tonight , [the other guests]3090-the other guests are invited onto the floor to join [them]3090-the other guests . [I]1059-babies look across the table to [Ava]238-ava , [her]238-ava attention split between [the happy couple]3091-the happy couple and [Betty]424-elizabeth sleeping in [Kate]194-kate ’s arms . It ’s how [she]194-kate ’s been all day , distracted . [She]194-kate ’s imagining [[our]1614-we family]1407-our family with [one more person]3093-one more person . [I]1059-babies am , too . The song fades off , and another begins . [My]1059-babies heart skips too many beats as [Ava]238-ava darts [her]194-kate eyes across to [me]1059-babies , and [I]1059-babies wonder if this is a purposeful move on [Drew]53-drew ’s part . [I]1059-babies shoot [him]53-drew a look on the dance floor , [his]53-drew expression telling [me]1059-babies everything . [My]1059-babies eyes thank [him]53-drew as [I]1059-babies slowly return [my]1059-babies gaze to [[my]1059-babies wife]26-maddie , [my]1059-babies heart booming nervously . [I]1059-babies smile when [I]1059-babies find [her]26-maddie still watching [me]1059-babies , and [I]1059-babies nod mildly , telling [her]26-maddie that the recognition happening in [her]26-maddie head is right . [I]1059-babies rise to [my]1059-babies feet and walk slowly around the table , holding out [my]1059-babies hand to [Ava]238-ava as “[1059-babies] Chasing Cars ” plays . “[26-maddie] If [you]1619-you have no better offers . [I]26-maddie raise a cocky eyebrow , blinded by [her]26-maddie shy smile as [she]26-maddie gets to [her]26-maddie feet . “[26-maddie] Never will . [I]77-mummy walk [her]26-maddie onto the floor , nodding at [Drew]53-drew to tell [him]53-drew today is a job well done as [I]77-mummy pull [Ava]238-ava into [my]77-mummy chest , one arm around [her]26-maddie shoulders , [my]77-mummy spare hand resting on [her]26-maddie waist . “[77-mummy] Hey , [Mummy]77-mummy , [I]77-mummy whisper down at [her]26-maddie , starting to slowly sway [us]3095-us . “[77-mummy] Hey , [Daddy]26-maddie . [I]26-maddie feel an overwhelming sense of contentment flourish inside [me]26-maddie . It tells [me]26-maddie that this is right . [I]26-maddie wo n’t ever argue with the Fates , and [the Fates]3096-the fates want to give [us]3095-us [another baby]2850-another baby . “[26-maddie] [I]0-i love [you]26-maddie , [woman]26-maddie , [I]26-maddie say , pulling [her]26-maddie closer , [her]26-maddie head settling in [my]26-maddie chest . [I]26-maddie rest [mine]26-maddie atop of [hers]26-maddie , continuing to move slowly on the spot , taking an age to turn a full circle . “[26-maddie] So [you]26-maddie ’ll be there on Tuesday ? For the scan ? ” “[0-i] Just try to stop [me]0-i . [I]0-i smile into [her]26-maddie hair . “[0-i] And when do [you]26-maddie want to tell [the kids]2242-both of them ? ” “[0-i] [I]0-i do n’t want [them]2242-both of them to think [I]0-i ’m replacing [them]2242-both of them . Or replacing the memories of [their]2242-both of them baby days with new ones . ” “[2242-both of them] Do n’t be daft . [They]2242-both of them ’d never think that . [I]2242-both of them feel [her]26-maddie chest press against [mine]26-maddie , [her]26-maddie inhale long and deep , as [I]2242-both of them catch [the twins]2242-both of them across the way watching [us]2242-both of them . [Both of [them]2242-both of them]2242-both of them are smiling , [Jacob]60-jacob with [his]60-jacob arm around [[his]60-jacob sister]2209-his sister . [Me]2242-both of them and [Ava]238-ava , [we]2242-both of them make [them]2242-both of them happy . Just being together . [I]2242-both of them flick [my]2242-both of them head at [them]2242-both of them , ordering them over . [I]2242-both of them expect a protest , but neither does . In fact , [they]2242-both of them ’re quite speedy across the floor . “[2242-both of them] [We]1621-our have company , [I]26-maddie say to [Ava]238-ava , gently nudging [her]238-ava from [my]26-maddie chest . [She]238-ava looks around and finds [them]2242-both of them , smiling and opening one arm as [she]238-ava keeps [her]238-ava hold of [me]26-maddie with the other , inviting [them]2242-both of them in . [Maddie]26-maddie and [Jacob]60-jacob join [us]1621-our , and [our]1621-our little huddle continues to turn on the spot , [mine]26-maddie and [Ava]238-ava ’s heads above [the twins]2010-the kids , [her]238-ava eyes on [mine]26-maddie . Love . It ’s blasting through [me]26-maddie unstoppably , lighting [my]26-maddie veins , warming [my]26-maddie soul . This is just about fucking perfect . And then [Ava]238-ava reaches across and presses a kiss to [my]26-maddie mouth , a soft kiss , a lingering kiss . And [I]26-maddie ’m proven wrong . Now , this is perfect . And it ’s the perfect time to share [our]1621-our news . “[26-maddie] [Maddie]26-maddie , [Jacob]60-jacob , [I]60-jacob say , pulling both [their]2010-the kids little faces up from [their]2010-the kids hiding places . “[60-jacob] [Your]60-jacob mum and [I]0-i have something to tell [you]60-jacob . [Ava]238-ava ’s eyes widen a fraction , but [I]0-i make sure [she]238-ava sees the reassurance in [mine]0-i . “[0-i] What ? [the kids]2010-the kids ask in unison , heads swinging back and forth to [me]0-i and [Ava]238-ava . “[0-i] What is it ? [Jacob]60-jacob ’s face falls . “[0-i] Is [Mum]32-mum okay ? Are [you]60-jacob okay , [Mum]32-mum ? ” “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m fine , [darling]79-darling . [She]32-mum kisses [his]60-jacob head , and [he]60-jacob settles immediately . “[0-i] Trust [me]0-i , [I]0-i ’m so fine . ” “[0-i] Then what ’s up ? [I]0-i breathe in and release [our]3100-our announcement on a stream of air . “[0-i] There ’s going to be [another someone for [me]0-i]1622-another someone for me to go crazy over . ” Frowns . Two very deep frowns . And [Ava]238-ava laughs , though does n’t correct [me]0-i . “[0-i] What [[your]60-jacob dad]240-my boy means is”—she takes over , clearly thinking [she]238-ava can break the news better than [I]1412-a baby can—“I’m[1412-a baby] having [a baby]1412-a baby . [She]238-ava holds [her]238-ava breath , waiting for [their]3101-their reactions . [Please]152-please , [guys]1437-guys , do n’t go off the deep end . “[1412-a baby] [A baby]1412-a baby ? [Jacob]60-jacob asks , flipping a frown to [me]1626-sister . “[1626-sister] Like [a little brother]1625-a little brother or [sister]1626-sister ? [I]1626-sister do n’t mention the fact that [I]1626-sister ’m praying , proper praying , that it ’s [a boy]2042-a boy , because [any more women in [my]1626-sister life]3104-any more women in my life will be the death of [me]1626-sister . “[1626-sister] That ’s right . [They]3104-any more women in my life ’re quiet , obviously mulling over the bombshell . And then “[1626-sister] Chasing Cars ” fades to nothing and it ’s silent , except for the light chatter around [us]3105-us . [Good Lord]3106-good lord , [they]3104-any more women in my life need to say something quick before [Ava]238-ava has a meltdown . “[1412-a baby] [A baby]1412-a baby , [Maddie]26-maddie hums . “[1412-a baby] [A baby]1412-a baby . [Jacob]60-jacob tilts [his]60-jacob head , ever [the one]2033-the one to really ponder things . Then [they]3104-any more women in my life look at [each other]2249-each other and grin . And [they]3104-any more women in my life laugh . [They]3104-any more women in my life laugh so fucking hard . [Ava]238-ava and [I]1412-a baby toss bewildered looks at each other , silently asking one another if [we]3109-we have any clue what ’s so funny . [We]3109-we do n’t . So [I]1412-a baby ask , “[1412-a baby] What ’s tickled [you]1412-a baby two ? ” “[1412-a baby] Oh [[my]0-i God]26-maddie , [Dad]1256-dad , [you]1412-a baby ’re so old ! [Maddie]26-maddie chuckles . [I]1256-dad ’ve never sworn at [[my]1256-dad kids]261-my kids . Not ever , and it ’s taking everything in [me]1256-dad , and then some , not to break that rule now . [Ava]238-ava does n’t help when [she]238-ava snorts unattractively , holding [her]238-ava hand over [her]238-ava nose . But [Jacob]60-jacob , [God]373-god bless [[my]1256-dad boy]60-jacob , comes straight to [me]1256-dad and shakes [my]1256-dad hand . “[1256-dad] Congratulations , [Dad]1256-dad . [I]263-argh have to swallow before [I]263-argh speak . “[263-argh] Cheers , [mate]263-argh . [I]263-argh could cuddle [him]60-jacob as [he]60-jacob throws [his]60-jacob arms around [[his]60-jacob mum]32-mum and hugs [her]32-mum with force . “[263-argh] [I]0-i love [you]263-argh , [Mum]32-mum . ” Fuck [me]32-mum . [I]32-mum blink to keep the tears at bay , but [Ava]238-ava does n’t manage to . [She]238-ava ’s full - on crying as [she]238-ava pulls [Maddie]26-maddie in , too , [her]238-ava face going straight between [their]3111-their heads . “[32-mum] [I]0-i love [you]263-argh both . So much . [I]32-mum ’m a big fat mess of [a man]224-a man . Totally fucked , and [I]32-mum do n’t care who sees as [I]32-mum haul [[my]32-mum family]358-my family into [me]32-mum . [My]32-mum life is held in [my]32-mum hands in this moment . [[My]32-mum wife]2508-the baby , [[my]32-mum babies]2508-the baby . And a new life . Chapter 50 As [I]32-mum drive [Ava]238-ava to [her]238-ava appointment on Tuesday , [my]32-mum mind is reeling with constant questions . Should [we]3115-we tell [Dr. Peters]74-dr. peters about the pregnancy ? Are the risks higher given [her]238-ava condition ? [She]238-ava ’s forgetting things all the while . Small things , but still things . Will [she]238-ava need another CAT scan and will it risk [the baby]2508-the baby ’s health if [she]238-ava does ? And [her]238-ava age , not that [I]32-mum would ever mention that to [Ava]238-ava . [She]238-ava ’s not in [her]238-ava twenties anymore . [My]32-mum head begins to ache . “[32-mum] Stop it , [Ava]238-ava says across [the car]2161-the car , looking at [me]32-mum like [she]238-ava knows what [I]32-mum ’m thinking . [She]238-ava undoubtedly does . [[My]32-mum wife]238-ava can read [me]32-mum like a book . Now , given the dam holding back [her]238-ava memories , [I]32-mum ’m even more amazed at [her]238-ava ability . [Her]238-ava hand lands on [my]32-mum thigh . [I]32-mum breathe out deeply and squeeze [her]238-ava fingers . “[32-mum] Why do n’t [you]1629-my tell [me]0-i about [our]1630-our first scan with [the twins]2012-the twins , [she]238-ava suggests , clearly trying to distract [me]1629-my from [my]1629-my worry . It works . [My]1629-my sharp bout of laughter fills [the car]3117-my stolen car . That moment . The lack of feeling in [my]1629-my legs when [the doctor]2188-the doctor pointed to two heartbeats . [I]1629-my did n’t know whether to laugh or cry . But [my]1629-my amusement fades when [I]1629-my remember how [we]1630-our came to be in [hospital]1334-hospital having an unscheduled scan . A scan to check if [[my]1629-my babies]216-my babies were still alive . [My]1629-my stomach turns , endless flashbacks assaulting [my]1629-my mind — [Ava]238-ava ’s accident , [[my]1629-my stolen car]3117-my stolen car … the sight of blood trickling down [her]238-ava bare leg . [I]1629-my shudder , and [I]1629-my know [Ava]238-ava feels it because [she]238-ava shifts in [her]238-ava seat , facing [me]1629-my , looking at [my]1629-my disposition with a roadmap of lines on [her]238-ava forehead . “[1629-my] What is it , [Jesse]454-jesse ? [You]454-jesse ’re white as a sheet . ” “[454-jesse] Nothing . ” Shit , [I]454-jesse need to pull [myself]454-jesse around . [I]454-jesse summon a smile to reassure [her]238-ava . There will be no mention of [[my]454-jesse stolen car]3117-my stolen car or how [the driver]927-the driver ran [Ava]238-ava off [the road]2159-the road . That was the beginning of the events that would lead to the worst moments of [our]1632-us lives . [She]238-ava does n’t need that information . Not now . Maybe never . “[454-jesse] The day of [our]1632-us first scan , [I]454-jesse muse , refocusing [my]454-jesse attention on [the road]2159-the road . “[454-jesse] [You]454-jesse did n’t know [I]0-i was [a twin]1633-a twin back then . ” “[0-i] [I]0-i did n’t ? [She]238-ava sounds surprised , and that should n’t be surprising . “[0-i] Why ? [I]0-i shrug a little , all casual . “[0-i] [You]454-jesse know by now that [I]0-i had a past . That was one of the most painful parts , and talking about it was n’t high on [my]0-i agenda . [I]2188-the doctor turn a smile onto [her]238-ava when [she]238-ava tightens [her]238-ava grip around [mine]0-i . “[2188-the doctor] When [the doctor]2188-the doctor told [us]1632-us there were two heartbeats in that tummy of [yours]1635-yours , [I]0-i went into shock . [She]238-ava chuckles lightly , the sound so sweet and pure , [her]238-ava hand lowering to [her]238-ava stomach and circling . “[0-i] [I]0-i never anticipated [twins]1385-twins , and when [I]0-i found out [we]1632-us were having them , [I]0-i was catapulted back to a time [I]0-i always kept buried . ” Now [her]238-ava smile is sad , as is [mine]0-i . So [I]2188-the doctor decide to rid [us]1632-us of the downhearted atmosphere , because , ultimately , it was a wonderful moment . Once [I]2188-the doctor ’d got past the shock . “[2188-the doctor] [The doctor]2188-the doctor told [us]1632-us [he]2188-the doctor could hear two perfect heartbeats . Just like that . Two . It came from [left field]2687-left field . [I]0-i laugh a little , remembering with perfect clarity the weightlessness of [my]0-i body in that moment , because there was a heartbeat to be heard , and that was a relief beyond no other after the accident , but there was also a sense of utter confusion that came with it . “[0-i] [My]0-i brain must have malfunctioned , because all [I]0-i remember thinking was , [[my]0-i baby]1638-my baby has two hearts ? [I]0-i think [I]0-i actually said it , too . [Ava]238-ava bursts out laughing . The sound and [her]238-ava clear amusement has [me]0-i laughing , too . This is what it ’s all about . The good stuff , the happy memories . [I]0-i keep questioning [my]0-i decision to hold back on the crappy shit , but when [I]0-i see [her]238-ava like this , so joyful and spirited , that questioning is masked by the sight of [her]238-ava looking so contented . “[0-i] [You]1639-you thought it was rather amusing at the time , too . [I]1639-you flash [her]238-ava a devilish smirk . “[1639-you] [You]1639-you savage . ” “[1639-you] So that was when [you]1639-you told [me]0-i about [[your]1639-you brother]1640-your brother ? [I]1639-you nod , pulling into [the car park of [the hospital]384-the hospital]384-the hospital . “[1639-you] It seemed like the right moment . [We]1641-we had a bath , [you]1639-you lay on [me]0-i forever , and [I]0-i shared the story of [me]0-i and [Jacob]60-jacob . [I]0-i flip [her]238-ava a wink . “[0-i] Then [we]1641-we came together in the tub . ” “[1641-we] Seems like a damn fine way to finish off an emotionally stressful day . ” Oh , [she]238-ava has no idea . “[1641-we] When [I]0-i ’m lost in [you]1639-you , there ’s no room in [my]0-i mind for anything else . [You]1639-you ’re the best kind of relief , [Ava]238-ava . Always have been , always will be . [I]238-ava zip into a parking space and turn off the engine , turning to face [her]238-ava . “[238-ava] As long as [you]1639-you always remember that , [you]1639-you and [I]0-i will be just fine . [She]238-ava does n’t protest [my]0-i claim , does n’t even flash [me]0-i a displeased look . Instead , [she]238-ava crawls across [the car]2161-the car and puts [herself]238-ava on [my]0-i lap . [Her]238-ava dark eyes are shining , true contentment reflecting back at [me]0-i . Pushing [her]238-ava forehead to [mine]0-i , [she]238-ava sighs into [my]0-i face as [my]0-i palms hold [her]238-ava waist . “[0-i] [I]0-i will always remember that , [she]238-ava vows , and [I]0-i wince , hoping [she]238-ava did n’t misinterpret [my]0-i statement . “[0-i] [I]0-i was n’t suggesting [you]1642-you should give up all of [your]1642-you memories just if [you]1642-you remember that . ” “[0-i] [I]0-i know [you]1642-you were n’t . [Her]238-ava hands lay over [my]0-i cheeks , [her]238-ava gaze sinking into [mine]0-i . “[0-i] But [you]1642-you ’re right . [I]0-i may have to accept that [I]0-i ’ve found all the memories [I]0-i ’m going to find , and [you]1642-you have to , too , [Jesse]454-jesse . [Her]238-ava words are soft , pacifying , and the fact [she]238-ava ’s right strikes [me]454-jesse painfully . That ’s the reality of it . “[454-jesse] [I]0-i ’ve got the most important things . [You]1642-you , and [the twins]2012-the twins . And [my]0-i life . [I]238-ava glance away , a pain so intense bolting through [me]238-ava , making [me]238-ava flinch . “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava , do n’t . ” “[238-ava] But [I]0-i ’m right . [She]238-ava forces [my]0-i face back to [hers]238-ava . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’ve thought about nothing but . [I]0-i know this is where [I]0-i ’m supposed to be . With [you]1642-you and [those two gorgeous kids]1644-those two gorgeous kids . The love [I]0-i have inside [me]0-i is fierce , and it tells [me]0-i above all things that [I]0-i ’m [home]201-home . [I]0-i can sacrifice a few memories for the sake of that feeling . [You]1642-you need to be with [me]0-i on this . Continue to tell [me]0-i the things that matter , but do n’t beat [yourself]1642-you up when it does n’t trigger anything . [You]1642-you ’ll kill [yourself]1642-you off with stress . [I]0-i need [you]1642-you . Now more than ever . ” Fuck , [I]0-i have a wobbly lip . How can [she]3125-her be so together ? [I]0-i absorb [her]3125-her every word , but there are a few in [her]3125-her statement that resonate deeply . Continue to tell [me]0-i the things that matter . “[0-i] [I]0-i will . [My]1646-i voice is thick with emotion , and [my]1646-i head is thick with a nasty mixture of shame and determination . It may seem cowardly , but [I]1646-i ignore [the former]3126-the former and kiss [her]3125-her deeply , taking the relief [I]1646-i find in [our]1646-i intimacies . “[1646-i] [We]1646-i ’ll be late . [I]1646-i nibble the corner of [her]3125-her mouth and break away , opening the car door . “[1646-i] Let ’s go meet [[our]1646-i baby]1647-our baby . ” The happy gleam in [her]3125-her eyes pulls [me]1646-i back from the brink of some confessions . It ’s [my]1646-i job to protect [her]3125-her , and that is exactly what [I]1646-i ’m doing . * * * [She]3125-her ’s turning the pages of [her]3125-her magazine at an epic rate , telling [me]1646-i [they]3127-they ’re not being read , just skimmed . It ’s something to keep [her]3125-her occupied while [we]1646-i wait to be called . Something to busy [her]3125-her fidgety hands . The moment [we]1646-i sat down , any semblance of [her]3125-her calmness fled . It ’s got [me]1646-i all nervous . [I]1646-i place a hand on [her]3125-her magazine , blocking the next page turn . [She]3125-her looks up at [me]1646-i . “[1646-i] What ’s up ? [I]238-ava ask . [She]3125-her tosses the magazine on the table in front of [us]1646-i , closes [her]3125-her eyes , and starts to breathe in long , carefully controlled breaths . “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava , [baby]194-kate , what ’s the matter ? ” “[238-ava] Look around , [Jesse]454-jesse , [she]3125-her practically whispers , making a quick scope of [the waiting room]2811-the waiting room [herself]3125-her . “[454-jesse] [All these couples]1649-all these couples . [We]1649-all these couples ’re one of [six couples here]3129-six couples here . [You]1649-all these couples ’d think given the condition of [these women]1649-all these couples , [they]1649-all these couples ’d give [them]1649-all these couples something a little more comfortable than these plastic chairs to sit on . With that thought , [I]0-i collect [Ava]238-ava from the hard chair beside [me]0-i and put [her]238-ava on [my]0-i far comfier lap . “[0-i] [I]0-i do n’t follow , [I]1650-i admit , ignoring the interested looks of [the other men in [the waiting room]2811-the waiting room]3130-the other men in the waiting room . [They]3130-the other men in the waiting room should take a leaf out of [my]1650-i book . [[Their]3130-the other men in the waiting room wives]3131-their wives ’ arses must be numb . [Mine]1650-i ’s not far from it . “[1650-i] [They]1650-i ’re all so young . ” Well , ouch . [She]238-ava may as well have just kicked [me]1650-i in the gut . [I]1650-i glance around , noting [she]238-ava ’s not far off the mark . With the realization comes another bout of doubt . Doubt . It ’s a bastard thing , can worm its way into the most confident of [men]696-men and eat [him]696-men alive from the inside out . Well , [I]1650-i wo n’t let it . [My]1650-i chest swells and [my]1650-i chin rises . And [I]1650-i glare at all the twenty- and thirtysomething fathers - to - be , unable to stop [myself]1650-i . [I]1650-i might be fifty , but [I]1650-i ’m more man than [any of [them]1650-i]2472-any of them . “[1650-i] [They]1650-i might be younger , [baby]194-kate , but [we]1652-we have experience . [I]1653-i nod decisively . “[1653-i] [You]1653-i do , perhaps . [Her]1653-i counter is quiet , unsure , and [I]1653-i realize [my]1653-i error in a heartbeat . Fuck . Shut the fuck up , [Ward]238-ava . “[1653-i] [I]0-i ca n’t remember a thing . [My]1653-i face softens . “[1653-i] Stop that now , [I]1653-i order harshly , hating the sound of this sudden doubt in [her]194-kate , too . “[1653-i] When [Kate]194-kate went into labor , [you]194-kate knew just what to do . Like everything , it ’s all still inside [you]194-kate . [I]194-kate reach for [her]194-kate nose and circle the end with the tip of [my]194-kate finger . “[194-kate] Pack it in . ” Softening on [my]238-ava lap , [she]194-kate nods , grabbing all of [my]238-ava reassurance with everything [she]194-kate has . [I]238-ava give [myself]238-ava a swift mental slap , telling [myself]238-ava to never let [her]194-kate see [my]238-ava uncertainty again . It ’s full steam ahead . “[238-ava] [Ava Ward]238-ava . [We]3134-we both look across [[the doctor]2188-the doctor ’s waiting room]3136-the doctor ’s waiting room to see [a white - coated lady with wild purple hair]3137-a white - coated lady with wild purple hair and a few too many piercings in [her]3137-a white - coated lady with wild purple hair ears . [Her]3137-a white - coated lady with wild purple hair look is harsh , though [her]3137-a white - coated lady with wild purple hair smile is friendly . “[238-ava] Up [you]1654-you get . [I]238-ava put [Ava]238-ava on [her]238-ava feet , patting down [my]238-ava pocket when [my]238-ava phone rings . “[238-ava] It ’s [the school]2041-the school . [I]238-ava doubt there is a parent in [the land whose heart]3138-the land whose heart does n’t miss a beat or ten when [they]2010-the kids take a call from [[[their]2010-the kids kid]3139-their kid ’s school]3140-their kid ’s school . [Mine]238-ava just missed a hundred . [I]238-ava connect the call , working hard to keep [my]238-ava voice stable and [my]238-ava stress level out of heart attack territory . “[238-ava] Hello ? ” “[57-mr. ward] [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward , it ’s [Mrs. Chilton]68-mrs. chilton . ” “[68-mrs. chilton] Is everything okay ? [The kids]2010-the kids ? ” “[2010-the kids] Everything is fine , [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward . No need to worry . ” Those words are fucking golden , and [I]57-mr. ward nod to [Ava]238-ava ’s worried face , silently telling [her]238-ava not to stress . [I]57-mr. ward ’m aware of [the sonographer]3141-the sonographer waiting for [us]3142-us and hold up a finger in indication that [I]57-mr. ward ’ll be just a moment . “[57-mr. ward] Then why the call ? ” “[26-maddie] [Maddie]26-maddie seems to have developed a bit of a headache . [I]26-maddie still , staring down the line , [my]26-maddie eyes narrowing to suspicious slits . [Ava]238-ava cocks [her]238-ava head in question , so [I]26-maddie quickly cover the mouthpiece of [my]26-maddie phone to enlighten [her]238-ava . “[26-maddie] [Maddie]26-maddie has a headache . ” “[26-maddie] But [she]26-maddie was fine this morning . ” “[26-maddie] Yes , [she]26-maddie was . [She]26-maddie was also rather put out that [she]26-maddie could n’t come to the scan . [I]26-maddie raise [my]26-maddie eyebrows , telling [[my]26-maddie lovely wife]26-maddie to catch up . “[26-maddie] Oh , the little minx . [She]26-maddie ’s got that right . “[26-maddie] [Mrs. Chilton]68-mrs. chilton , can [you]68-mrs. chilton put [her]26-maddie on the line ? ” “[68-mrs. chilton] Of course . One second . ” There ’s a few crackles down the line , and while [I]68-mrs. chilton wait for [[my]68-mrs. chilton fraudulent baby]3143-my fraudulent baby to prep [herself]26-maddie to speak to [[her]26-maddie father]2507-her father , [I]68-mrs. chilton give [Ava]238-ava a little nod . “[68-mrs. chilton] [You]68-mrs. chilton go . [I]0-i ’ll be there in two secs when [I]0-i ’ve sorted out [[our]1657-our girl]1490-baby girl . [Ava]238-ava shakes [her]238-ava head , dismayed , but with a fond smile as [she]238-ava disappears into [the room]202-the room . “[0-i] H … ell … o , [Maddie]26-maddie says , sounding like [she]238-ava ’s swallowed acid and a pile of rusty nails . [[My]194-kate girl]1490-baby girl needs to remember there ’s not much that gets past [me]194-kate . “[194-kate] Hey , [baby]194-kate , [I]194-kate coo . “[194-kate] H - hey [Daddy]26-maddie . [Daddy]26-maddie ? Oh , [she]238-ava ’s working it better than any [Oscar]153-oscar winner [I]26-maddie ’ve known . [I]26-maddie move to the side of [the room]202-the room , leaning a shoulder against the wall . “[26-maddie] What ’s up , [baby girl]1490-baby girl ? [I]1490-baby girl play along with [her]1490-baby girl , smiling as [I]1490-baby girl do . “[1490-baby girl] Tell [Daddy]26-maddie . ” “[26-maddie] [My]0-i tummy aches . [My]26-maddie eyebrows jump up . “[26-maddie] That ’s funny . [Mrs. Chilton]68-mrs. chilton said [you]68-mrs. chilton have a headache . ” “[68-mrs. chilton] B … b … both , [she]238-ava croaks . “[68-mrs. chilton] And having a headache and an achy tummy makes [your]68-mrs. chilton voice poorly , too , does it ? ” Silence . “[68-mrs. chilton] Well ? ” “[0-i] [I]0-i have a sore throat , too ! [she]238-ava snaps indignantly , each word perfectly clear . “[0-i] [My]0-i , [my]0-i , [you]0-i are in a pickle . ” Pushing [my]0-i shoulder off the wall , [I]0-i make [my]0-i way to [the room]202-the room where [Ava]238-ava ’s waiting for [me]0-i . “[0-i] Listen here , [madam]0-i . Ever heard of [the boy who cried wolf]1660-the boy who cried wolf ? ” “[1660-the boy who cried wolf] No . ” “[1660-the boy who cried wolf] Google it . Do n’t think [I]0-i do n’t know [your]0-i game , [missy]0-i . [I]0-i have to go . [[Your]68-mrs. chilton mother]39-your mother ’s waiting for [me]0-i . ” “[39-your mother] [I]0-i want to see [the new baby]1490-baby girl , [she]39-your mother whines down the line , fake crying after . “[1490-baby girl] It ’s not fair . ” “[0-i] [I]0-i ’ll get pictures , [I]0-i assure [her]1490-baby girl . “[0-i] [I]0-i promise . ” Really , [I]1490-baby girl ’m just grateful [both of [them]2242-both of them]2242-both of them have accepted this news with no major drama . Except , of course , fake illnesses . “[1490-baby girl] [Baby girl]1490-baby girl , there ’s really not much to see at the moment . It ’s a peanut . [You]68-mrs. chilton can come to the twenty - week scan , okay ? ” “[68-mrs. chilton] Really ? ” The delight in [her]1490-baby girl voice pinches [my]68-mrs. chilton heart . “[68-mrs. chilton] [You]68-mrs. chilton promise ? ” Smiling as [I]68-mrs. chilton take the handle of the door , [I]68-mrs. chilton give [her]1490-baby girl what [she]1490-baby girl wants . “[68-mrs. chilton] Promise . [I]68-mrs. chilton push [my]68-mrs. chilton way into [the room]202-the room , finding [Ava]238-ava already on the bed with [her]238-ava T - shirt pulled up around [her]238-ava bra . “[68-mrs. chilton] Now get back to class , [you]68-mrs. chilton little scoundrel . [I]68-mrs. chilton hang up after [she]238-ava ’s sung [her]238-ava good - bye and join [Ava]238-ava , standing by the side of the bed . “[68-mrs. chilton] Sorry about that . ” “[68-mrs. chilton] No problem , [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward . [We]1663-i were just getting set up . [The purple - haired sonographer]3141-the sonographer presses a few buttons and squeezes lashings of gel on [Ava]238-ava ’s abdomen . “[1663-i] Are [we]1663-i ready ? ” Good question , [I]1663-i think as [I]1663-i stare at the blank monitor , feeling [Ava]238-ava squeeze [my]1663-i hand . [I]1663-i smile , returning [her]238-ava gesture . “[1663-i] Ready , [I]1663-i say as a loud swooshing noise fills [the room]202-the room . [Ava]238-ava ’s head drops to the side to see the screen , [my]1663-i spare hand joining the one holding [hers]238-ava . For a long , long while , [the sonographer]3141-the sonographer works in silence , moving the scanner around [Ava]238-ava ’s stomach while flicking dials and pressing buttons , [her]238-ava attention centered on the screen . [I]1663-i do n’t remember it taking this long before . Is there something wrong ? Anxiety grows within [me]1663-i , silly thoughts running rampant in [my]1663-i mind . What if the tests have been wrong ? Could there have been a mistake ? What will [she]238-ava do if [we]3151-we ’re told there is , in fact , [no baby]3152-no baby in there ? [She]238-ava ’ll be distraught . This pregnancy has given [her]238-ava new hope . [I]1663-i ca n’t see that snatched away from [her]238-ava . Fear of the cruelest kind slithers through [my]1663-i veins as [I]1663-i glance from the screen , to [the sonographer]3141-the sonographer , to [Ava]238-ava , over and over . “[1663-i] There . ” There ’s a few clicks of buttons , and the motions of the scanner pause on [Ava]238-ava ’s lower stomach . [My]1663-i muscles relax a little , and [Ava]238-ava ’s grip tightens around [my]1663-i hand . [The sonographer]3141-the sonographer points at the screen , smiling . Or is [she]238-ava frowning ? It ’s hard to tell from [her]238-ava profile . “[1663-i] What ? What is it ? [My]2508-the baby body goes rigid . Please , [God]373-god , tell [me]2508-the baby everything is okay . “[2508-the baby] Is [the baby]2508-the baby okay ? [I]2508-the baby hear [Ava]238-ava ask through [my]2508-the baby fog of panic . “[2508-the baby] Yes , [the baby]2508-the baby is fine . [She]238-ava looks at [us]3153-us , half - smiling , half - shocked . “[2508-the baby] And so are [the other two]1665-the other two . [Someone]293-someone must have just poked [me]2508-the baby with high voltage , because [I]2508-the baby fly back , getting [my]2508-the baby feet all tangled in the legs of a nearby chair . [I]2508-the baby throw [my]2508-the baby hands out as the wall gets closer , only just saving [myself]2508-the baby from nutting the damn thing . “[2508-the baby] What ? [I]2508-the baby barely push the word out through [my]2508-the baby crippling alarm . [The other two]1665-the other two ? What does [she]238-ava mean , the other two ? Two plus one . “[2508-the baby] Three ? ” The one - word question is jagged and broken . “[2508-the baby] Thr … ee ? ” “[2508-the baby] Yes , [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward . Three perfect heartbeats . ” What the fuck ? [I]57-mr. ward feel dizzy . [I]57-mr. ward need to sit down . But [I]57-mr. ward miss the seat of the chair , landing on the floor with a thud that seems to wake [me]57-mr. ward from [my]57-mr. ward nightmare . [I]57-mr. ward quickly scramble up , but have to grab the wall to steady [myself]57-mr. ward , [my]57-mr. ward legs like jelly . “[57-mr. ward] Three ? ” “[1638-my baby] [[My]0-i baby]1638-my baby has three hearts ? [Ava]238-ava asks , and [I]0-i look up at [her]1638-my baby on the bed , finding a dirty smirk on [her]1638-my baby cheerful face . [My]0-i brain is clearly on the lag , because all [I]0-i ’m thinking is that ’s the stupidest fucking question that has ever been asked . [My]0-i wide eyes jump from [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie to [the sonographer]3141-the sonographer , [their]3141-the sonographer faces a picture of amusement . What ? What ’s so damn well funny ? “[0-i] [I]0-i do n’t und … [I]0-i fade off as realization begins to dawn on [me]0-i , and [my]0-i face screws up in disgust . [They]3141-the sonographer got [me]0-i . [They]3141-the sonographer ’re fucking playing with [me]0-i . If [I]0-i were n’t so relieved , [I]0-i ’d be fuming fucking mad . [My]0-i jaw tight , [I]0-i feel [my]0-i round eyes slowly shrink until [they]3141-the sonographer ’re angry slits . “[0-i] That is the unfunniest joke that ’s ever been played . [I]0-i find it in [myself]0-i to release the wall [I]0-i ’m still clinging to , all but stomping [my]0-i way to the bed while [Ava]238-ava cackles like the demented witch that [she]238-ava is . “[0-i] Fucking cruel , [I]0-i add , crowding [her]238-ava vibrating body on the bed and smashing [my]0-i mouth to [hers]238-ava . That soon shuts [her]238-ava up . Yes , [I]0-i ’m mad , but [I]0-i ’m so fucking relieved , too . More relieved than mad . Pulling away , [I]0-i scowl down at [her]238-ava chirpy face . The satisfaction staring back at [me]0-i diminishes [my]0-i slight , so much so , [I]0-i soon find [myself]0-i smiling back . “[0-i] Think [you]1667-you ’re funny , do [you]1667-you , [Mrs. Ward]26-maddie ? [She]26-maddie nods , the remnants of [her]26-maddie amusement still evident in random , short , sharp chuckles as [she]26-maddie works to calm [her]26-maddie jerky body down . “[26-maddie] [I]0-i could n’t resist , [she]26-maddie titters as [she]26-maddie looks at [her]26-maddie accomplice . “[26-maddie] Thank [you]1667-you . ” “[1667-you] Yeah , thanks . [I]1667-you fire a playful , filthy look across the bed to [the rogue sonographer]3157-the rogue sonographer . “[1667-you] Where do [you]1667-you make a complaint around here ? [Her]26-maddie face drops , and [Ava]238-ava whacks [my]1667-you arm . “[1667-you] Do n’t be mean . [She]26-maddie was just doing what [I]0-i told [her]26-maddie . ” “[26-maddie] [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward , [I]0-i ’m sorry if … [I]57-mr. ward hold a hand up to stop [her]26-maddie words and [her]26-maddie panic . “[57-mr. ward] Do n’t sweat it . [[My]0-i wife]26-maddie has a wicked sense of humor . [I]26-maddie poke [Ava]238-ava in the soft sensitive spot on [her]26-maddie hip , making [her]26-maddie jolt off the bed with a girlie squeal . “[26-maddie] [You]1667-you ’ll pay for that , [lady]26-maddie . ” “[0-i] [I]0-i know . [Her]26-maddie simple reply makes [me]0-i smile as [she]26-maddie clenches [my]0-i hand . “[0-i] But now [you]1667-you feel a whole lot better about only having one , do n’t [you]1667-you ? [I]1667-you ca n’t deny it . [I]1667-you really do , and [I]1667-you beat [myself]1667-you up for a few moments for making [her]26-maddie resort to such tactics in an attempt to make [me]1667-you feel better about this unexpected pregnancy . “[1667-you] [I]0-i would have gotten used to the idea of another three , [I]0-i say , all blasé . [I]0-i ’m lying through [my]0-i teeth , shuddering at the mere thought . [Another three]3158-another three ? “[0-i] There is really just one in there , is n’t there ? [I]57-mr. ward ask [the purple - haired joker opposite [me]57-mr. ward]3159-the purple - haired joker opposite me . “[57-mr. ward] Just one , [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward . [She]364-your wife goes back to the screen . “[57-mr. ward] [I]0-i ’m sorry , but when [[your]1667-you wife]364-your wife mentioned [your]1667-you first scan with [[your]1667-you twins]1670-your twins , it did make [me]0-i laugh . ” Smiling at the white blip , [she]364-your wife starts rolling the ball on the machinery , clicking here and there . “[60-jacob] [Baby]60-jacob , singular , looks perfectly healthy . [You]1667-you ’re six weeks into gestation , [Mrs. Ward]26-maddie . ” “[26-maddie] Can [you]1667-you tell the sex yet ? [I]26-maddie ask , knowing full well it ’s way too early . “[26-maddie] At the twenty - week scan , maybe . Depending on [baby]60-jacob ’s position . [The printer to the side]3160-the printer to the side kicks in , spitting out pictures of [[my]26-maddie baby]60-jacob . “[26-maddie] [You]1667-you do n’t want to know , do [you]1667-you ? [Ava]238-ava asks , a bit disappointed . “[1667-you] Why ? ” “[1667-you] Because if it ’s [a girl]2026-a girl , [I]0-i need as much time as possible to prepare . Buy armor . For [her]2026-a girl and for [me]0-i . ” “[454-jesse] [Jesse]454-jesse ! [She]2026-a girl whacks [my]454-jesse arm on an exasperated gasp , and [I]454-jesse chuckle , swooping in and crowding [her]2026-a girl . [I]454-jesse grin , [she]2026-a girl scowls . “[454-jesse] [I]0-i never told [you]1667-you this morning how beautiful [you]1667-you look today . ” “[454-jesse] [I]0-i never told [you]1667-you how handsome [you]1667-you look today . [I]1672-a god among men shrug . “[1672-a god among men] [A god among [men]696-men]1672-a god among men . [I]1672-a god among men kiss [her]2026-a girl delicately . “[1672-a god among men] And now [I]0-i ’m taking [you]1667-you [home]201-home and giving [you]1667-you [the king of Retribution Fucks]1675-the king of retribution fucks . [Her]2026-a girl eyes widen , glancing to the side , where [the sonographer]3141-the sonographer is collecting the pictures from [the printer]3141-the sonographer , doing a terrible job of playing ignorant to [our]3162-our light banter . [She]2026-a girl ’s smiling fondly . “[194-kate] Wherever , whenever , [baby]194-kate . [I]194-kate help wipe up [her]2026-a girl tummy and get [her]2026-a girl to [her]2026-a girl feet , collecting the pictures from [Miss Purple Hair]154-miss purple hair before guiding [Ava]238-ava to the door . “[194-kate] [I]0-i hope [you]1667-you ’re ready . ” “[0-i] Maybe later . ” Huh ? [My]0-i steps stutter behind [her]2026-a girl . What does [she]2026-a girl mean , maybe later ? [I]0-i do n’t need to ask . [She]2026-a girl looks over [her]2026-a girl shoulder , a definite knowing smirk forming . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m going to yoga and then having coffee with [Zara]116-zara . ” “[0-i] [I]0-i do n’t think so . ” It ’s out before [I]0-i can stop it , [my]0-i declaration hostile , [my]0-i ego put out . [She]2026-a girl rolls [her]2026-a girl eyes and continues on [her]2026-a girl way toward [the exit]2804-the exit . It ’s condescending as hell , and it only serves to rile [me]0-i further . “[0-i] [You]1667-you ’re not going to yoga . [I]0-i need to rein [myself]0-i in before [she]2026-a girl slaps [me]0-i silly . [I]0-i should know by now that demanding [she]2026-a girl not do something just makes [her]2026-a girl all the more determined to do it , if only to prove a point , whatever that is . [We]3164-we ’ve just shared a lovely moment . [I]0-i ’d planned on taking [her]2026-a girl [home]201-home and delivering on that Retribution Fuck , and then picking [the kids]2010-the kids up from [school]2011-school together . [She]2026-a girl ’s ruining all of [my]0-i plans . And on top of that , [she]2026-a girl ’s now pregnant . Even more fragile . Even more delicate . Yoga is a stupid idea . Besides , [I]0-i ’m not letting [her]2026-a girl out of [my]0-i fucking sight . “[0-i] No way , [Ava]238-ava . ” “[454-jesse] Piss off , [Jesse]454-jesse . [She]2026-a girl pushes through the doors into the sunshine , leaving [me]454-jesse a heaving , bristling pile of male standing like [an idiot in [the hospital entrance]3169-the hospital entrance]3168-an idiot in the hospital entrance . “[454-jesse] [You]454-jesse ’re not going ! [I]238-ava yell , earning startled looks from [many passersby]3170-many passersby . [I]238-ava growl at each of [them]3170-many passersby in turn before stalking out , muttering and cursing under [my]238-ava breath . “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava ! ” “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m not arguing with [you]454-jesse , [she]2026-a girl calls over [her]2026-a girl shoulder . “[0-i] So [you]454-jesse may as well quit . [I]0-i ’m going . End of . ” End of ? “[0-i] That ’s [my]0-i line , [I]0-i bark childishly , catching [her]2026-a girl and blocking [her]2026-a girl path to the passenger door . [I]0-i push [my]0-i back up against [the car]2161-the car as [she]2026-a girl stares at [me]0-i tiredly . “[0-i] [I]0-i do n’t think yoga is a good idea in [your]454-jesse condition . ” “[0-i] [I]0-i ’ve checked with [the doctor]2188-the doctor . It ’s actually a very good idea . ” Damn . Okay , then . “[0-i] [I]0-i do n’t think [you]454-jesse should be out and about on [your]454-jesse own . ” “[0-i] [I]0-i wo n’t be alone . [I]0-i ’ll be with [Zara]116-zara . [My]0-i lips straighten . [She]2026-a girl could be with [anyone]305-anyone . But [she]2026-a girl wo n’t be with [me]0-i . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’ll come , too . [I]0-i ’ll watch [your]454-jesse session , and [you]454-jesse keep saying [you]454-jesse want [me]0-i to meet [this new friend of [yours]454-jesse]1678-this new friend of yours anyway . ” “[454-jesse] No . [She]2026-a girl tries to reach for the handle of the door , but [I]454-jesse cover it with both hands . “[454-jesse] [Jesse]454-jesse , stop being so fucking unreasonable . ” “[454-jesse] Watch [your]454-jesse fucking mouth ! Do n’t make [me]0-i give [you]454-jesse the countdown , [woman]26-maddie . It ’s not beyond [me]0-i . ” “[26-maddie] And what will [you]454-jesse do to [me]0-i in the middle of [the hospital car park]1680-the hospital car park ? [She]2026-a girl laughs , thinking [she]2026-a girl has the upper hand . [She]2026-a girl does n’t . “[26-maddie] [You]454-jesse tried [me]0-i once before in [this very car park]1680-the hospital car park , [I]454-jesse inform [her]2026-a girl . “[454-jesse] [I]0-i did it then , and [I]0-i ’ll do it now . ” “[0-i] Do what ? [she]2026-a girl asks , folding [her]2026-a girl arms over [her]2026-a girl lovely boobs . [I]0-i push [my]0-i face close to [hers]2026-a girl and smile on the inside at [her]2026-a girl grit . [She]2026-a girl does n’t budge one inch , squaring up to [me]0-i . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’ll throw [you]454-jesse over [my]0-i shoulder , slap that gorgeous arse of [yours]454-jesse , thrust [my]0-i fingers into [your]454-jesse warm pussy , and work [you]454-jesse up until [you]454-jesse explode in midair in front of all [these lovely people]1681-these lovely people . [I]454-jesse give [her]2026-a girl a forced , satisfied smile , and [she]2026-a girl gives [me]454-jesse a huge gasp . Wait , has [she]2026-a girl remembered ? “[454-jesse] [You]454-jesse would n’t dare ! [She]2026-a girl has n’t . [Her]2026-a girl gasp is shock , not recollection . It does n’t beat [me]0-i down . [I]0-i ’m not beyond reminding [her]2026-a girl . “[0-i] [I]0-i fucking would and [I]0-i fucking did . Are [you]454-jesse daring [me]0-i ? [I]0-i want [her]2026-a girl to . [I]0-i want [her]2026-a girl to double dare [me]0-i . [Triple]155-triple dare [me]0-i . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m going to meet [Zara]116-zara . [Her]2026-a girl little nostrils flare dangerously . “[0-i] [You]454-jesse ca n’t keep [me]0-i nailed to [your]454-jesse side forever . ” “[0-i] Wrong . [I]0-i almost laugh . [I]0-i thought [we]3173-we were past this silly power game . “[0-i] [You]454-jesse ’re coming [home]201-home with [me]0-i , and that [Retribution Fuck]46-retribution just got changed to an Apology Fuck . ” So there . Another gasp . “[454-jesse] [You]454-jesse ’re an ape ! [I]454-jesse scratch [my]454-jesse armpits in some kind of pathetic confirmation . “[454-jesse] Old news , [lady]454-jesse . ” “[454-jesse] Urghhh ! [She]2026-a girl turns and stomps off . [She]2026-a girl does n’t get very far . Swooping [her]2026-a girl up onto [my]454-jesse shoulder carefully , [I]454-jesse take [her]2026-a girl back to [the car]2161-the car , slipping [my]454-jesse hand beyond the hem of [her]2026-a girl skirt and up the inside of [her]2026-a girl thigh . “[454-jesse] [Jesse]454-jesse ! ” “[454-jesse] What , [dear]454-jesse ? [My]454-jesse fingers glide past the seam of [her]2026-a girl knickers and plunge easily into [her]2026-a girl . [She]2026-a girl ’s drenched . Even boiling mad with [me]454-jesse , [she]2026-a girl ’s sodden . [I]454-jesse smirk , satisfied . Nothing ’s really changed . [She]2026-a girl goes floppy on [my]454-jesse shoulder , [her]2026-a girl moan broken , like [she]2026-a girl ’s trying to hold it back , trying to hide how turned on [she]2026-a girl is . It only fuels [my]454-jesse fire . “[454-jesse] Do n’t fight [me]0-i , [Ava]238-ava . [I]238-ava stop by [the car]2161-the car , pulling the door open . “[238-ava] [You]454-jesse ’re wasting valuable energy . ” Keeping [my]194-kate fingers submerged in [her]2026-a girl warmth , [I]194-kate negotiate [her]2026-a girl down into the passenger seat , kneeling by [the car]2161-the car as [I]194-kate do . “[194-kate] Relax , [baby]194-kate . [I]1684-my walk on [my]1684-my knees , closer to [her]2026-a girl , and withdraw [my]1684-my fingers slowly , watching [her]2026-a girl chest expand and [her]2026-a girl eyes widen . And then [I]1684-my drive them back in , putting weight behind [me]1684-my , achieving maximum depth . [She]2026-a girl may be mentally pushing [me]1684-my away , but [her]2026-a girl sweet pussy has other ideas , greedily dragging [me]1684-my deeper , the muscles of [her]2026-a girl passage massaging [my]1684-my fingers easily . “[1684-my] [You]1684-my like that , [baby]194-kate ? ” “[1684-my] [You]1684-my do n’t play fair , [Ward]238-ava . ” “[238-ava] Do . [You]1684-my . Like . That ? [I]0-i retreat and surge forward , [my]0-i own sounds of pleasure filling [the car]2161-the car and mixing with [hers]2026-a girl . “[0-i] Tell [me]0-i . [Her]2026-a girl head falls back , eyes infused with need . [I]0-i sacrifice [my]0-i need for a verbal answer when [she]2026-a girl places a hand over [mine]0-i between [her]2026-a girl thighs and starts working with [me]0-i to bring [her]2026-a girl to climax . [Her]2026-a girl back arches against the seat and [she]2026-a girl stiffens , [her]2026-a girl clit beginning to throb under the pad of [my]0-i thumb . [She]2026-a girl goes quietly , but [boy]39-your mother does [she]2026-a girl go , trembling in the aftermath of [her]2026-a girl orgasm , [her]2026-a girl lids becoming heavy . [I]0-i ’m so enthralled by the sight , [I]0-i forget what brought [us]3178-us to this moment . Until [she]2026-a girl speaks . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m still going to yoga , [she]2026-a girl breathes , going limp in the seat . [I]1685-i laugh a little under [my]1685-i breath , pulling [my]1685-i fingers free of [her]2026-a girl clenched thighs and taking [my]1685-i time licking [her]2026-a girl sweet juices from them while [she]2026-a girl watches . “[1685-i] [You]1685-i ’re not going . [Her]2026-a girl lips twist , [her]2026-a girl eyes becoming mischievous . Then [I]1685-i ’m quickly swallowing when [she]2026-a girl strokes over [my]1685-i jeans , stirring [my]1685-i raging cock further . [She]2026-a girl smiles when [I]1685-i solidify from top to toe , inhaling . “[1685-i] Later , [I]0-i ’m going to smother [my]0-i boobs in peanut butter and [you]1685-i ’re going to lick it all off . ” “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m dropping [you]1685-i off and picking [you]1685-i up , [I]0-i all but squeak , resting [my]0-i hand over [hers]2026-a girl before [my]0-i dick bashes its way through [my]0-i jeans . How ’d [she]2026-a girl know that ’s [her]2026-a girl ace card ? [I]0-i do n’t know , but [I]0-i ’m not arguing . [I]0-i can kill the time at the club . [I]0-i really should show [my]0-i face there , anyway . [Her]2026-a girl face beams , satisfied , as [she]2026-a girl drops [me]0-i . “[0-i] Hurry up , then . [You]1685-i ’ve made [me]0-i late . ” Pulling [her]2026-a girl skirt down , [she]2026-a girl ushers [me]1685-i back so [she]2026-a girl can shut the door . It feels like [I]1685-i ’ve just been played . Like [she]2026-a girl has learned again that to get what [she]2026-a girl wants , [she]2026-a girl has to catch [me]1685-i at [my]1685-i weakest moments , like bribing [me]1685-i with peanut butter and [her]2026-a girl boobs . [My]1685-i plan just backfired , and when [she]2026-a girl fails to hold [her]2026-a girl grin back as [I]1685-i round [the car]2161-the car , [my]1685-i eyes burning through the windscreen , [I]1685-i know for sure [I]1685-i have definitely been played . Yet that tiny shred of reason within [me]1685-i tells [me]1685-i to let it go . [She]2026-a girl ’s right . As much as [I]1685-i want to — feel like [I]1685-i need to — [I]1685-i ca n’t have [her]2026-a girl nailed to [me]1685-i for all eternity . [She]2026-a girl has to rebuild other parts of [her]2026-a girl life . [I]1685-i ’m just going to have to get used to the nervous breakdowns while [she]2026-a girl does that . Chapter 51 [Ava]238-ava When [Jesse]454-jesse pulls up at [the curb]3180-the curb , [he]454-jesse releases [my]1685-i belt , turning to get [me]1685-i in [his]454-jesse sights . “[1685-i] Be careful , [he]454-jesse warns . “[1685-i] And [I]0-i ’ll pick [you]0-i up at this exact spot in a couple of hours . ” “[1685-i] Okay . [I]0-i barely contain [my]0-i eye roll as [I]0-i lean over and peck [his]454-jesse cheek . “[0-i] See [you]0-i later . [I]0-i slam the door and jog across [the road]2159-the road . “[0-i] Do n’t run ! [he]454-jesse yells as [I]0-i turn to face [him]454-jesse from the other side of [the road]2159-the road . “[0-i] Might shake up [the baby]2508-the baby . [I]0-i laugh . [The man]341-your husband is a nutcase . [I]0-i spot [Zara]116-zara up [the street]236-the street near [Elsie]32-mum ’s and wave as [I]0-i make [my]0-i way over . [She]32-mum takes [me]0-i in a big hug . “[0-i] Is [[your]0-i husband]341-your husband waiting for [you]0-i ? [I]341-your husband pull out of [her]32-mum embrace and look over [my]341-your husband shoulder , seeing [Jesse]454-jesse still idling at [the curb]3180-the curb . “[341-your husband] [He]341-your husband ’s probably checking [I]0-i get in [the building]664-the building without injuring [myself]0-i , [I]341-your husband joke , returning [my]341-your husband attention to [Zara]116-zara when [he]341-your husband eventually pulls away . “[341-your husband] [He]341-your husband worries about [me]0-i , and now [he]341-your husband ’ll be worrying even more . ” “[341-your husband] Why ? ” “[1689-we] [We]1689-we just came from [the hospital]384-the hospital . [I]116-zara take the scan picture from [my]116-zara purse and hold it out , and [her]116-zara blue eyes fall to it . [I]116-zara do n’t get the reaction [I]116-zara was expecting , [her]116-zara eyes taking on a sad edge . [My]116-zara proud smile falls . “[116-zara] [Zara]116-zara ? ” Oh , shit . [She]116-zara looks up at [me]0-i , a bit vacant . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m sorry . [She]116-zara shakes [herself]116-zara to life . “[0-i] What ’s up ? [I]0-i quickly get rid of the picture , concerned . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m being silly . It ’s just , [I]0-i ca n’t have [children]2347-children [myself]0-i . ” “[2347-children] Oh [[my]0-i God]26-maddie . [I]0-i kick [myself]0-i hard , moving in to give [her]116-zara a hug . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m so sorry . ” “[0-i] It ’s not [your]0-i fault . It ’s not [mine]0-i either , in fact . Just a rare genetic thing that [they]2347-children ca n’t really explain . [She]116-zara embraces [my]1693-my ex offer of comfort and returns [my]1693-my ex squeeze . “[1693-my ex] [[My]0-i ex]1693-my ex blamed [me]0-i , hence [his]1693-my ex handy fists . [I]1693-my ex wince . “[1693-my ex] What an arsehole . ” Pulling away , [I]1693-my ex push a wet strand off [her]116-zara cheek , and [she]116-zara smiles sadly . “[1693-my ex] [You]0-i ’re happier without [him]1693-my ex , right ? ” “[1693-my ex] Of course . [My]0-i job ’s going great , and there ’s talk of a promotion already . Things really could n’t be going better . ” “[1693-my ex] That ’s fab . ” “[1693-my ex] Hey , as a matter of fact , [I]0-i have a date later , [she]116-zara tells [me]0-i , an excited sparkle in [her]116-zara eyes . “[0-i] [I]0-i need a dress . Fancy a quick trip to [the shops]1694-the shops after yoga to help [me]0-i choose ? ” “[1693-my ex] Sure . [I]1693-my ex do n’t hesitate . [She]116-zara needs [me]1693-my ex . [I]1693-my ex ’ll call [Jesse]454-jesse and let [him]1693-my ex know . [He]1693-my ex ’ll be fine . “[1693-my ex] Congratulations on [the baby]2508-the baby , [Ava]238-ava . [Zara]116-zara nudges [my]238-ava shoulder , flipping [me]238-ava a genuine smile . “[238-ava] [You]238-ava ’re clearly so happy . ” “[238-ava] On [Central Jesse Cloud Nine]20-central jesse cloud nine , [I]238-ava say without thought , frowning as [I]238-ava do . “[238-ava] Sounds like an amazing place to be . ” “[238-ava] [You]238-ava have no idea . ” Chapter 52 For a Tuesday afternoon , [the club]2003-the club is heaving . [I]238-ava wander through [the reception area]208-the reception area , nodding to [people]2279-people as [I]238-ava go . [They]2279-people all seem surprised to see [me]238-ava . Or are [they]2279-people wondering where [Ava]238-ava is ? [I]238-ava ’m just heading [upstairs]589-upstairs when [Sam]50-sam calls . “[238-ava] Hey , [I]238-ava answer . “[238-ava] Sleeping pills . Where can [I]0-i get [them]1696-them ? [He]50-sam sounds urgent . [I]0-i smile , hearing the exhaustion in [his]50-sam voice . “[0-i] Do [I]0-i look like [the local dealer]1697-the local dealer ? [John]60-jacob spots [me]50-sam halfway up [the stairs]244-the stairs , surprise on [his]50-sam face , too , before pulling an about - turn and flanking [me]50-sam on [my]50-sam way up . [I]50-sam point to [my]50-sam phone and mouth “[50-sam] [Sam]50-sam , ” making [John]60-jacob grin a shit - eating grin . “[50-sam] Knocking [yourself]50-sam out is n’t a good idea when there ’s [a baby]1412-a baby around . ” “[1412-a baby] Fucking hell , [I]0-i ’ve never been so tired . [I]0-i ’m walking dead . And [Kate]194-kate ’s turned into [a demon woman]1699-a demon woman . [I]194-kate remember those days not too fondly , though [we]3189-we had two to deal with . [I]194-kate do n’t point that out . [Sam]50-sam would n’t appreciate it . Instead , [I]194-kate do something [any decent mate]3190-any decent mate would do . After all , a bit of practice and refreshing [my]194-kate skills would probably do [me]194-kate well , plus [Ava]238-ava will relish in it , [I]194-kate ’m sure . “[194-kate] Hey , how ’d [you]50-sam think [Kate]194-kate would feel about letting [us]1700-us have [Betty]424-elizabeth for the night so [you]50-sam two can catch up on some sleep ? ” “[263-argh] [Argh]263-argh , [mate]263-argh , [you]263-argh ’d do that ? [He]263-argh sounds perkier , just like that , just with the promise of some downtime . “[1699-a demon woman] [She]1699-a demon woman ’d be fine . ” “[1699-a demon woman] Had n’t [you]263-argh ought to ask [her]1699-a demon woman first ? [I]263-argh ask , remembering that first time [we]1700-us left [the twins]2012-the twins to have a date night . [Ava]238-ava was fine , mind [you]263-argh . It was [me]263-argh who was fretting . [I]263-argh reach the top of the stairs with [John]60-jacob , breaking onto the gym floor . [I]263-argh point to [[Ava]238-ava ’s office]3192-ava ’s office and [he]263-argh nods , holding a finger up to indicate [he]263-argh ’ll be there in a tick . “[263-argh] Trust [me]0-i , [she]1699-a demon woman ’ll be fine , [Sam]50-sam assures [me]1699-a demon woman . “[1699-a demon woman] And if [she]1699-a demon woman is n’t , then [I]0-i ’ll come and stay with [you]0-i . [I]0-i laugh , pushing [my]0-i way into [[Ava]238-ava ’s office]3192-ava ’s office . [I]0-i find [Cherry]26-maddie sitting in [Ava]238-ava ’s chair , and [my]0-i laughter fades . [She]26-maddie looks all wrong . There ’s only [one woman who belongs in that chair]3193-one woman who belongs in that chair . “[0-i] Speak to [Kate]194-kate and get back to [me]0-i . ” “[0-i] [We]1701-we ’ll be there at seven pronto , [he]50-sam counters , hanging up . “[1701-we] Oh , hi . [Cherry]26-maddie beams at [me]238-ava , looking past [my]238-ava shoulder . “[238-ava] No [Ava]238-ava ? ” “[238-ava] No [Ava]238-ava , [I]238-ava confirm , heading for [[my]238-ava wife]26-maddie ’s desk . [I]238-ava scan the surface , noting many things out of place . The pen pot is on the wrong side , the mouse mat is different , and the in - and - out trays are all askew . Perfectly neat , but still askew . [Ava]238-ava did n’t have them like that , pushed neatly into the back corner . Not that [[my]238-ava wife]26-maddie will know that . “[238-ava] Can [I]0-i get [you]0-i a drink ? [Cherry]26-maddie gets up , tapping a pile on papers on the edge of the desk to tidy them . “[0-i] A water , thanks . [I]0-i drop into the now - vacant chair and scan [the room]202-the room while [Cherry]26-maddie makes [her]26-maddie quiet exit . It feels empty . Lacking life . [I]0-i rest back and wedge [my]0-i elbow into the arm , drumming [my]0-i fingers on [my]0-i cheek , thoughtful . And [I]0-i smile . [A new baby]3195-a new baby . “[0-i] What are [you]0-i grinning at ? [John]60-jacob asks , stalking toward the desk . It occurs to [me]0-i in this moment that [one of [[my]0-i oldest friends]184-my oldest friends]3196-one of my oldest friends is in the dark over the past few days ’ revelations . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m going to be [a dad]1571-a dad . [I]0-i sound stable , and [I]0-i ’m proud of [myself]0-i for it . “[0-i] [You]0-i ’re already [a dad]1571-a dad , [[you]0-i stupid motherfucker]360-you stupid motherfucker . [He]1571-a dad drops into the chair opposite [me]1571-a dad . “[1571-a dad] [I]0-i thought [Ava]238-ava was [the one who lost [her]238-ava memory]238-ava . ” Had [anyone else]3198-anyone else said that , [I]238-ava would have beat [them]3199-them black and blue . But this is [John]60-jacob . [He]1571-a dad ’d beat [me]238-ava black and blue . “[238-ava] Again , [I]238-ava add . “[238-ava] [I]0-i ’m going to be [a dad]1571-a dad again . ” The white of [his]1571-a dad eyes expand . “[0-i] What ? ” “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava ’s pregnant . [I]238-ava see the laughter bubbling up from [his]1571-a dad toes and wait for it to work its way to [his]1571-a dad mouth and shake the whole damn club . But [he]1571-a dad does n’t laugh . Somehow , [he]1571-a dad contains it , though [I]238-ava see [his]1571-a dad amusement plain as day . “[238-ava] Was it planned ? [I]60-jacob chuck a pen across the desk at [him]1571-a dad . “[60-jacob] Stupid fucking question , [John]60-jacob . What [sane fifty - year - old bloke]1704-sane fifty - year - old bloke would volunteer for that , for fuck ’s sake ? [His]1571-a dad huge shoulders jump up casually . “[0-i] [I]0-i would have , had the opportunity passed [me]0-i by . ” That shuts [me]0-i up . And makes [me]0-i shrink . [I]0-i ’ve never asked [John]60-jacob about [his]1571-a dad past , and [he]1571-a dad ’s never volunteered it . Something inside [me]0-i , maybe caution , just warned [me]0-i not to . [I]0-i ’ve often wondered if [he]1571-a dad ’d wanted [children]2347-children if [he]1571-a dad found [the right woman]3201-the right woman . And [he]1571-a dad ’s just answered that . [I]0-i should n’t be surprised . [He]1571-a dad ’s great with [the twins]2012-the twins , always has been . Like [an adopted pap]3203-an adopted pap , in a way . “[0-i] Was there ever a [Mrs. John]60-jacob ? [I]60-jacob ask [him]1571-a dad . [He]1571-a dad smiles [his]1571-a dad big white - toothed smile with [his]1571-a dad signature hint of gold . “[60-jacob] What ’s taken [you]60-jacob so long to ask , [boy]60-jacob ? [I]60-jacob inwardly laugh . “[60-jacob] Maybe the hostile vibes [I]0-i get any time [I]0-i ’ve ever even thought to pry . ” “[1705-one woman] There was [one woman]1705-one woman once upon a time . [He]1571-a dad shrugs , like it ’s nothing . It most certainly is n’t nothing . [I]1705-one woman lean forward in [my]1705-one woman chair , intrigued . “[1705-one woman] Really ? Who ? [He]1571-a dad eyes [me]1705-one woman for a few moments , clearly wondering whether [he]1571-a dad should spill . “[1705-one woman] It does n’t matter now . It ’s dead . History . ” Clearly [he]1571-a dad ’s decided against it . [I]1705-one woman sigh , mentally plotting [my]1705-one woman advances , how [I]1705-one woman can coax the information from [him]1571-a dad . “[1705-one woman] Before [I]0-i knew [you]60-jacob ? [His]1571-a dad glare is deadly . “[60-jacob] Drop it . ” “[60-jacob] What if [I]0-i do n’t ? ” “[60-jacob] Face the consequences . ” “[60-jacob] Which are what ? ” “[60-jacob] Rein it in , [[you]60-jacob relentless motherfucker]1706-you relentless motherfucker , [he]1571-a dad warns , the threat in [his]1571-a dad tone no joke , but something tells [me]1706-you relentless motherfucker that [he]1571-a dad really wants to share . Yet [I]1706-you relentless motherfucker do as [I]1706-you relentless motherfucker ’m told , even if [my]1706-you relentless motherfucker mind is spinning , rewinding through the years , all the way back to when [[my]1706-you relentless motherfucker uncle]2143-uncle carmichael took [me]1706-you relentless motherfucker under [his]2143-uncle carmichael wing . [John]60-jacob was there then , [[my]1706-you relentless motherfucker uncle ’s best friend]2143-uncle carmichael . In fact , [he]2143-uncle carmichael ’s always just been … there . [I]1706-you relentless motherfucker hum to [myself]1706-you relentless motherfucker , racking [my]1706-you relentless motherfucker brain . [I]1706-you relentless motherfucker know [her]1708-your best mate ’s girl . That ’s why [he]2143-uncle carmichael ’s being cagey and reluctant . [I]1706-you relentless motherfucker flick through [all the women who used to frequent [The Manor]190-the manor]3205-all the women who used to frequent the manor on a regular basis as [we]3207-we stare at each other , for what seems like years , [his]2143-uncle carmichael eyes dark , [mine]1706-you relentless motherfucker curious . And then [he]2143-uncle carmichael draws breath to speak . “[1706-you relentless motherfucker] Falling in love with [[your]1707-your best mate ’s girl]1708-your best mate ’s girl is n’t ideal . [His]2143-uncle carmichael eyes do n’t move from [mine]1706-you relentless motherfucker . [[His]2143-uncle carmichael best mate ’s girl]1708-your best mate ’s girl ? [Uncle Carmichael]2143-uncle carmichael was [his]2143-uncle carmichael best … Realization slams into [me]26-maddie like a giant wrecking ball to [my]26-maddie gut . “[26-maddie] [Sarah]26-maddie ? [I]60-jacob blurt , [my]60-jacob heart taking the second shock of the day , except [this one]3208-this one is no sick prank . [He]2143-uncle carmichael nods [his]2143-uncle carmichael confirmation . Fuck [me]60-jacob . [Sarah]26-maddie ? How has [he]2143-uncle carmichael kept that hidden all this time ? “[60-jacob] [John]60-jacob , [I]0-i do n’t know what to say . [He]2143-uncle carmichael watched it all , close by , [Sarah]26-maddie , [me]60-jacob , and [Uncle Carmichael]2143-uncle carmichael , the wretched love triangle and all the tragedy that went with it . And the years that followed , [Sarah]26-maddie constantly pining for [me]60-jacob , going to epic lengths to try to win [me]60-jacob . How did [he]2143-uncle carmichael do that ? Face it ? Endure it ? “[60-jacob] Say nothing and move on , [he]2143-uncle carmichael warns , obviously watching [my]60-jacob mind go into overdrive . All this time [he]2143-uncle carmichael ’s been in love with [Sarah]26-maddie ? And [I]60-jacob never knew ? [Never]110-never saw it ? “[60-jacob] How can [you]60-jacob love [someone who ’s so destructive]1709-someone who ’s so destructive ? [I]364-your wife ask , baffled . [He]2143-uncle carmichael looks at [me]364-your wife like [I]364-your wife ’m stupid . “[364-your wife] Ask [[your]60-jacob wife]364-your wife . [I]364-your wife wilt where [I]364-your wife sit , going over and over the years , searching for any clues that [I]364-your wife missed . Now , [I]364-your wife realize there were millions . [His]2143-uncle carmichael calmness with [her]364-your wife . [His]2143-uncle carmichael occasional attempts to defend [her]364-your wife actions . [His]2143-uncle carmichael anger when [she]364-your wife lost the plot all those times . [He]2143-uncle carmichael was n’t entirely mad with [her]364-your wife for what [she]364-your wife was doing to [me]364-your wife . But what [she]364-your wife was doing to [herself]364-your wife , too . “[364-your wife] [You]60-jacob ca n’t help [someone who does n’t want to be helped]1711-someone who does n’t want to be helped , [he]2143-uncle carmichael says , strangely reminiscent . “[60-jacob] [You]60-jacob wanted to be helped . ” “[60-jacob] Shit , [John]60-jacob , [I]60-jacob breathe , throwing [my]60-jacob hands up a little . Then something comes to [me]60-jacob . [She]32-mum ’s staying with [him]64-my wife , has been for weeks . “[60-jacob] Why would [you]60-jacob set [yourself]60-jacob up like that , and what the hell does [Elsie]32-mum think ? Wait , what does [Sarah]26-maddie think ? Does [she]32-mum know how [you]60-jacob feel ? ” “[32-mum] How [I]0-i felt . And no , [she]32-mum did n’t and does n’t . Neither did [[your]60-jacob uncle]64-my wife . [You]60-jacob think [I]0-i wanted to add to the fuckup that was [you]60-jacob , [her]32-mum , and [him]64-my wife ? And [I]0-i stopped loving [her]32-mum when [she]32-mum stopped loving [herself]32-mum . And the reason [she]32-mum ’s staying with [me]0-i is because [she]32-mum can do [me]0-i less damage than [she]32-mum can do [you]60-jacob . ” “[0-i] [I]0-i” “[60-jacob] [You]60-jacob ’ll keep this to [yourself]60-jacob . [John]60-jacob ’s tone is as threatening as threatening can be as [he]64-my wife gets up from [his]64-my wife seat . “[60-jacob] It ’s history . ” “[60-jacob] Of course . [He]64-my wife does n’t need to tell [me]60-jacob twice . “[60-jacob] What about [Sarah]26-maddie ? How long is [she]32-mum staying with [you]60-jacob ? ” “[32-mum] Until [she]32-mum ’s back on [her]32-mum feet . [The man]2289-the man is [a saint in disguise]2289-the man . “[32-mum] And what about [Elsie]32-mum ? ” “[32-mum] [She]32-mum has some holistic therapy shit [she]32-mum wants to try on [Sarah]26-maddie . [He]2289-the man looks back , rolling [his]2289-the man eyes . “[32-mum] Who knows ? Might straighten [her]32-mum out . ” The door closes behind [him]2289-the man , and [I]32-mum sit there alone in [the silent room]3210-the silent room for a long time , trying to get to grips with this news . The truth is , [I]32-mum ca n’t . No matter how long [I]32-mum try to wrap [my]32-mum mind around it . So many years to be assessed , too many occasions in history to be analyzed to find what [I]32-mum ’m looking for . [I]32-mum wo n’t find anything . [John]60-jacob did too good a job of hiding [his]2289-the man feelings from [Sarah]26-maddie and [the rest of [the world]2163-the world]3211-the rest of the world . [He]2289-the man ’s put [himself]2289-the man at the bottom of the pile every time . It is n’t right . Pulling out [my]32-mum phone , [I]32-mum find the number [I]32-mum blocked , unblock it , and dial , and the moment [I]32-mum hear [her]26-maddie voice , [my]32-mum skin prickles and [I]32-mum ’m out of [my]32-mum chair , pacing [the office]192-the office . “[32-mum] [You]1713-you need to leave [town]295-town , [Sarah]26-maddie , [I]454-jesse say bluntly . “[454-jesse] [Jesse]454-jesse ? ” “[454-jesse] Yes . [You]1713-you need to leave . ” There ’s a pause , and then a sigh . “[238-ava] How ’s [Ava]238-ava ? ” “[238-ava] [I]0-i did n’t call [you]1713-you to chitchat about [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie . [I]0-i called [you]1713-you to tell [you]1713-you to leave [town]295-town . ” “[0-i] [I]0-i ca n’t go anywhere , [Jesse]454-jesse . [I]0-i ’m broke . [My]0-i feet drag to a stop as [I]0-i recall [John]60-jacob telling [me]0-i the same thing . [She]26-maddie has nowhere to go . Nowhere to stay . So [she]26-maddie ’s putting on [John]60-jacob , and [John]60-jacob will never say no . “[0-i] Send [me]0-i [your]1713-you account details , [I]0-i order . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’ll transfer some money , and then [you]1713-you leave . Do [you]1713-you hear [me]0-i ? [John]60-jacob ’s waited decades to meet [a woman]821-a woman . Now [he]3215-he ’s met [one]3216-one , and [I]0-i ’m not having [this poisonous bitch]3217-this poisonous bitch ruining what could be [his]3215-he happy ever after . “[0-i] Do [you]1713-you hear [me]0-i ? ” “[1713-you] [I]0-i hear [you]1713-you , [she]0-i whispers , [her]0-i lack of argument maddening . Because [she]0-i ’s that selfish . [She]0-i does n’t care about [John]60-jacob . Or [me]0-i . [She]0-i cares about [herself]0-i . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’ll do it now . Send [me]0-i [your]1713-you details . [I]1713-you hang up , and in the two paces it takes [me]1713-you to get back to [[Ava]238-ava ’s desk]2135-ava ’s desk to log on to [[my]1713-you banking]3219-my banking , [her]0-i details land on [my]1713-you phone . [I]1713-you laugh a disbelieving laugh . [She]0-i did n’t waste time . A few clicks sends a clean hundred grand [her]0-i way . [We]3220-we did n’t talk numbers , but [I]1713-you want [her]0-i to have enough to ensure [she]0-i ’ll never have to come back . Resting back in [my]1713-you chair , [I]1713-you stare at the screen as [I]1713-you kiss good - bye to the best money [I]1713-you ’ve ever spent . [My]1713-you phone buzzes on the desk , and [I]1713-you glance down to see two missed calls from [Ava]238-ava . Heart in [my]1713-you throat , [I]1713-you go to dial [her]0-i back but notice a voicemail alert . [I]1713-you click the icon and bring [my]1713-you mobile to [my]1713-you ear to listen to [her]0-i message . “[1713-you] [I]0-i ’ve tried calling [you]0-i twice and [you]0-i ’re ignoring [me]0-i , [she]0-i says . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m still with [Zara]116-zara . [I]0-i ’ve had a lovely time ! [We]1716-we popped to a store next door and bought [her]116-zara a new dress for a date [she]116-zara has tonight . [We]1716-we could n’t find shoes , but [I]0-i have the perfect pair , so [we]1716-we ’re going to go pick up [the kids]2010-the kids and head back . [She]116-zara ’s driving , so do n’t panic . [I]0-i ’ll meet [you]0-i at [home]201-home . [My]0-i knee - jerk reaction is to call [her]116-zara back and put [her]116-zara straight on a few things . But , somehow , [I]0-i stop [myself]0-i . [I]0-i breathe in and relax back in [my]0-i chair , closing [my]0-i eyes . [She]116-zara ’s checked in . [She]116-zara ’s fine , and [she]116-zara ’s picking up [the kids]2010-the kids . [I]0-i should let [her]116-zara do that . [I]0-i must let [her]116-zara do that . [She]116-zara needs to do that . [I]0-i ’m just forcing [myself]0-i to put [my]0-i phone away when [someone]293-someone walks in — [Cherry]26-maddie with [my]0-i water . Took [her]26-maddie long enough . [She]26-maddie smiles , all bright and willing , as [she]26-maddie paces toward [me]0-i , a definite , deliberate sway to [her]26-maddie hips . And if [I]0-i ’m not mistaken , [she]26-maddie ’s undone an extra button on [her]26-maddie shirt since [she]26-maddie left to fetch [my]0-i water . [My]0-i suspicious eyes follow [her]26-maddie all the way to the foot of [[Ava]238-ava ’s desk]2135-ava ’s desk , where [she]26-maddie perches [her]26-maddie arse on the side , crossing one leg over the other . “[0-i] Anything else ? [she]26-maddie practically purrs . [I]26-maddie sigh . Time to put [her]26-maddie in [her]26-maddie place . “[26-maddie] [Cherry]26-maddie , [I]26-maddie begin , and [she]26-maddie smiles brighter , [her]26-maddie eyes dropping down [my]26-maddie torso . “[26-maddie] Let [me]0-i explain something to [you]26-maddie . ” “[26-maddie] Umm - hmmm , [she]26-maddie hums , starting to nibble [her]26-maddie bottom lip . “[26-maddie] If [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie catches [you]26-maddie looking at [me]0-i like that , [you]26-maddie ’ll be choking on [your]26-maddie high heels . [My]26-maddie words seem to have zero impact , [her]26-maddie eyes crawling up [my]26-maddie front until [she]26-maddie ’s gazing at [me]26-maddie . “[26-maddie] And what about if [you]26-maddie catch [me]0-i looking at [you]26-maddie like this ? [I]0-i ’m staggered by [her]26-maddie boldness . “[0-i] [I]0-i just did . ” “[0-i] And ? [I]0-i lean forward , resting [my]0-i elbows on the desk . [Her]26-maddie eyes sparkle more at [my]0-i closeness . “[0-i] And [I]0-i think [you]26-maddie ’re brave , [I]0-i answer lowly . “[0-i] [You]26-maddie ’re also stupid . [She]26-maddie shrugs . “[26-maddie] [No one]210-no one gets what [they]1721-they want by being reserved . ” “[26-maddie] [You]26-maddie ’re fired . [Her]26-maddie eyes widen . “[26-maddie] What ? ” “[0-i] [I]0-i said , [you]26-maddie ’re fired . [I]0-i smile , a blazing smile , one that would knock [her]802-stupid woman to [her]802-stupid woman arse if [she]802-stupid woman was n’t already there from shock . “[0-i] [You]26-maddie ca n’t fire [me]0-i , [she]802-stupid woman spits indignantly . [I]26-maddie laugh , sitting back in [my]26-maddie chair . “[26-maddie] [You]26-maddie just disrespected [[my]0-i wife]802-stupid woman , who also happens to be [[your]26-maddie boss]1723-your boss . [You]26-maddie think [I]0-i ’d forgo [her]802-stupid woman for [you]26-maddie ? [I]26-maddie chuckle , the sound wicked . “[26-maddie] Let [me]0-i give [you]26-maddie a bit of advice to take on [your]26-maddie way . [She]802-stupid woman slips down from the desk , rejection making [her]802-stupid woman cheeks red , but not with anger , more embarrassment . “[26-maddie] What ? ” “[26-maddie] If [you]26-maddie wanted to learn how to be sexy and seductive , [you]26-maddie should have spent more time admiring [[my]0-i wife]802-stupid woman rather than [me]0-i . Good - bye . ” Outrage . It ’s splashed all over [her]802-stupid woman face . “[802-stupid woman] But [you]26-maddie owned [The Manor]190-the manor . [I]26-maddie look at [her]802-stupid woman like [she]802-stupid woman ’s stupid , because [she]802-stupid woman fucking is . “[26-maddie] Leave , [I]26-maddie all but growl before [I]26-maddie flip [my]26-maddie lid . Wisely , [she]802-stupid woman takes note of [my]26-maddie anger , quickly stomping to the door . [Her]802-stupid woman parting gift is a filthy glare tossed over [her]802-stupid woman shoulder before [she]802-stupid woman slams the door with brute force . [Stupid woman]802-stupid woman . [My]26-maddie phone rings again , and [I]26-maddie quickly snatch it up and answer as [I]26-maddie stand and head for the door . “[26-maddie] Hey , [baby]26-maddie . [I]26-maddie ’m expecting high praise for leaving [her]802-stupid woman to do [her]802-stupid woman girlie stuff and not calling [her]802-stupid woman back . “[26-maddie] What the hell are [you]1726-you playing at , [Ward]238-ava ? [I]238-ava stop halfway across [the office]192-the office , racking [my]238-ava brain for what [I]238-ava could have done . [I]238-ava resort to asking , since [I]238-ava ’m fucking clueless . “[238-ava] What did [I]0-i do ? ” “[0-i] [You]1726-you did n’t call [me]0-i back ! All [I]0-i keep getting is [your]1726-you voicemail ! [She]802-stupid woman ’s wild , frantic , and [I]26-maddie grin the biggest grin . “[26-maddie] Aww , [baby]26-maddie , [you]1726-you worried about [me]0-i ? ” Welcome to [my]26-maddie world , [lady]26-maddie . “[26-maddie] A bit , [she]802-stupid woman sniffs down the line . [I]0-i ca n’t help the deep satisfaction . “[0-i] [My]0-i phone must have dropped its service , [I]1726-you tell [her]26-maddie , carrying on [my]1726-you way . [I]1726-you ’m thinking it ’s probably not wise to tell [her]26-maddie that [I]1726-you was on the phone to [Sarah]26-maddie . “[1726-you] Where are [you]1726-you ? ” “[1726-you] At [the club]2003-the club . [I]0-i hear [her]26-maddie bristling at the mention of [me]0-i being [here]2274-here , alone , without [her]26-maddie . [I]0-i put [her]26-maddie mind at rest . “[0-i] [I]0-i just fired [Cherry]26-maddie . ” “[0-i] What ? Why ? Oh [[my]0-i God]26-maddie , did [she]26-maddie make a pass at [you]1726-you ? [The sneaky little bitch]26-maddie ! ” “[26-maddie] Well , [you]1726-you know . [[Your]1726-you husband]1672-a god among men is [a god among [men]696-men]1672-a god among men . [I]0-i ca n’t blame [her]26-maddie . ” “[1726-you] [You]1726-you ’re intolerable . ” “[1726-you] And [I]0-i love [you]1726-you , too . Where are [you]1726-you ? ” “[1726-you] At [home]201-home now . [I]0-i ’ve just seen [Zara]116-zara out , and [the kids]2010-the kids are on [the trampoline]2719-the trampoline . ” “[2010-the kids] [I]0-i ’m on [my]0-i way . [I]0-i hang up and jog to [[my]0-i car]235-my car , feeling like it ’s been years instead of hours since [I]0-i ’ve seen [them]2010-the kids . Chapter 53 Pulling up [the driveway]542-the driveway , [I]0-i hear [the kids]2010-the kids before [I]0-i see [them]2010-the kids , [their]2010-the kids shouts of delight reaching [me]0-i from [the garden]2056-the house , the springs of the trampoline going loopy . [I]0-i rush to [the house]2056-the house in search of [Ava]238-ava so [I]0-i can soak up some of that praise [she]238-ava owes [me]0-i . [I]0-i find [her]238-ava sitting at [the island in [the kitchen]228-the kitchen]3228-the island in the kitchen staring down at something . [My]0-i approaching steps do n’t distract [her]238-ava , [her]238-ava focus engrossed . [I]0-i realize what ’s holding [her]238-ava rapt attention : the picture of [[our]3230-our new baby]3231-our new baby . [Her]238-ava fingertip is tracing the edges of the paper . [Her]238-ava eyes look a little dreamy . [I]0-i hate to disturb [her]238-ava . “[0-i] Boo , [I]0-i whisper in [her]238-ava ear , and [her]238-ava palm slaps on [her]238-ava chest as [she]238-ava startles . [She]238-ava turns on [her]238-ava stool and glares at [me]0-i , fisting the front of [my]0-i T - shirt and yanking [me]0-i forward . “[0-i] Next time [I]0-i call [you]0-i , ring [me]0-i back , [Ward]238-ava . ” “[238-ava] Fuck , [you]0-i ’re sexy when [you]0-i ’re mad . [Her]238-ava scowl turns into an impish grin . “[0-i] Then kiss [me]0-i . ” “[0-i] What do [you]0-i say , [baby]194-kate ? ” There ’s no hesitation . “[0-i] Please . [I]0-i pounce , lifting [her]238-ava from the stool to [the island]2099-the island and utterly ravishing [her]238-ava bones . [God]373-god , is there anywhere [I]0-i ’d rather be ? Nope . Just glue [my]0-i mouth to [hers]238-ava and let [us]3233-us be done with it . [She]238-ava is like the finest of wines , and [I]0-i am an expert in that wine . “[0-i] Spread [your]0-i legs . [They]2010-the kids open and [I]454-jesse move in , [our]3233-us mouths wild on each other . This is what happens when [we]3233-us ’re apart too long . Starvation . [I]454-jesse ca n’t get enough of [her]238-ava . “[454-jesse] [Jesse]454-jesse , [she]238-ava pants , [her]238-ava voice full of warning , though [her]238-ava relentless tongue does n’t let up . “[2010-the kids] [The kids]2010-the kids . [I]2010-the kids ’m about to say fuck [’em]3234-’em , getting a bit carried away with [myself]2010-the kids . But , instead , and very reluctantly , [I]2010-the kids pry [myself]2010-the kids from [her]238-ava lips before [I]2010-the kids take it a step further and push [her]238-ava back down onto [the island]2099-the island . “[2010-the kids] Have [you]454-jesse shown [them]2010-the kids the picture ? ” “[2010-the kids] No , of course not . [I]0-i wanted to wait for [you]454-jesse . ” “[0-i] Over dinner , or now ? ” Truth be told , [I]0-i want to do it now . [I]0-i ’m excited . “[0-i] Now . [I]0-i grin , knowing [she]3030-your friend read that in [my]0-i eyes as [I]0-i help [her]3030-your friend down . “[0-i] Did [you]454-jesse find shoes for [[your]454-jesse friend]3030-your friend ? ” “[0-i] Yes , a perfect match for the dress . [She]3030-your friend hung on for as long as [she]3030-your friend could to meet [you]3030-your friend , but [she]3030-your friend was going to be late for [her]3030-your friend date if [she]3030-your friend waited any longer . ” “[3030-your friend] Another time . [I]3030-your friend try not to sound too casual . [I]3030-your friend know how much [this new friend]3030-your friend means to [her]3030-your friend . [I]3030-your friend need to at least pretend [I]3030-your friend care . “[3030-your friend] Maybe when [I]0-i drop [you]3030-your friend to yoga ? ” “[3030-your friend] [She]3030-your friend ’ll love [you]3030-your friend , and [you]3030-your friend [her]3030-your friend . ” “[3030-your friend] Of course [she]3030-your friend will . [I]0-i ’m [the fucking Lord of The Manor]1737-the fucking lord of the manor . ” Flipping [her]3030-your friend a cheeky wink , [I]1737-the fucking lord of the manor find [my]1737-the fucking lord of the manor stride and take [us]3236-us out to [the garden]2075-the garden . The creak of the trampoline with each jump grows louder as [we]3236-us walk , [my]1737-the fucking lord of the manor smile growing with it , until it comes into view and [I]1737-the fucking lord of the manor see [[my]1737-the fucking lord of the manor boy]240-my boy and [girl]26-maddie springing up and down , laughing . And there ’s [another person]26-maddie . “[1737-the fucking lord of the manor] Who ’s that ? [I]1737-the fucking lord of the manor ask , [my]1737-the fucking lord of the manor eyes set on [the woman]26-maddie , [her]26-maddie dark hair flapping in the air and around [her]26-maddie face . “[1737-the fucking lord of the manor] Oh . [Ava]238-ava sounds surprised , but not concerned . “[1737-the fucking lord of the manor] That ’s [Zara]116-zara . [She]1737-the fucking lord of the manor was coming out to say bye to [the kids]2010-the kids . [I]0-i thought [she]1737-the fucking lord of the manor ’d left already . [I]0-i smile at [the woman]26-maddie ’s back . [She]1737-the fucking lord of the manor ’s a bit overdressed for playtime on a trampoline . “[0-i] [She]1737-the fucking lord of the manor ’s got some energy . ” “[1737-the fucking lord of the manor] Why is [she]1737-the fucking lord of the manor wearing [her]1737-the fucking lord of the manor new dress ? [Ava]238-ava asks , confusion now creeping into [her]1737-the fucking lord of the manor tone . [I]1737-the fucking lord of the manor look at the black lace number , something uneasy settling over [me]1737-the fucking lord of the manor , a weight on [my]1737-the fucking lord of the manor shoulders that [I]1737-the fucking lord of the manor ca n’t shake . [My]1737-the fucking lord of the manor feet slow as [we]3241-we approach . Along with [my]1737-the fucking lord of the manor heart . And then it stops completely when [the woman]26-maddie turns toward [us]3241-we . It ’s a moment in time when [I]1737-the fucking lord of the manor think [I]1737-the fucking lord of the manor know what [I]1737-the fucking lord of the manor ’m seeing , but it ’s so far beyond [my]1737-the fucking lord of the manor comprehension , it takes [my]1737-the fucking lord of the manor brain a moment to catch up . But the second [I]1737-the fucking lord of the manor see [her]1737-the fucking lord of the manor deep - set blue eyes , there ’s no doubt . [They]3242-they look as troubled as [I]1737-the fucking lord of the manor remember , and as [she]1737-the fucking lord of the manor stares at [me]1737-the fucking lord of the manor , [they]3242-they fill with hatred . “[1737-the fucking lord of the manor] Oh fuck . [She]1737-the fucking lord of the manor ’s changed [her]1737-the fucking lord of the manor hair color . The blond is gone , replaced with a harsh shade of mahogany that does n’t suit [her]1737-the fucking lord of the manor complexion at all . [She]1737-the fucking lord of the manor ’s always been pale , but now [she]1737-the fucking lord of the manor looks bloodless . Heartless . Emotionless . “[1535-lauren] [Lauren]1535-lauren . ” Shock and fear has paralyzed [me]1535-lauren . Why did n’t [I]1535-lauren know [she]1737-the fucking lord of the manor ’d been released from [the institution]3243-the institution ? [We]3244-we should have fucking been told ! [I]1535-lauren need to get [[my]1535-lauren kids]261-my kids off [that trampoline]2719-the trampoline , away from [her]1737-the fucking lord of the manor and [her]1737-the fucking lord of the manor murderous , fucked - up clutches , yet [I]1535-lauren ca n’t fucking move . “[1535-lauren] What a surprise . [She]1737-the fucking lord of the manor walks toward the netting around the edges of [the trampoline]2719-the trampoline , poking [her]1737-the fucking lord of the manor fingers through the holes to hold on , a little breathless , but [her]1737-the fucking lord of the manor words are as clear as day . “[1535-lauren] Nice to see [you]1535-lauren , [Jesse]454-jesse . ” “[1535-lauren] [Lauren]1535-lauren ? [Ava]238-ava asks , confused . “[116-zara] This is [Zara]116-zara . [You]1535-lauren know [each other]2249-each other ? [She]238-ava drops [her]238-ava hold of [me]1535-lauren and takes a few steps back . [I]1535-lauren dare not take [my]1535-lauren gaze from [the woman who nearly sent [me]1535-lauren to [the grave]3248-the grave twice]3247-the woman who nearly sent me to the grave twice . [[My]1535-lauren babies]216-my babies are a few feet away from [her]3247-the woman who nearly sent me to the grave twice , [their]216-my babies bounces now slowing , too , [their]216-my babies instinct telling [them]216-my babies that something is n’t right . Fucking hell , how did this happen ? [[Ava]238-ava ’s new friend]238-ava , [the one [she]238-ava ’s been doing yoga with all these weeks , having coffee and going on shopping trips with]238-ava , is [[my]1535-lauren murderous ex - wife]238-ava ? [I]1535-lauren swallow , [my]1535-lauren body starting to shake . It ’s a result of a bit of anger , but mostly , it ’s fucking fear . [I]1535-lauren need to play it cool . Not give [the kids]2010-the kids anything to worry about . Fucking impossible when faced with [this woman]238-ava . [I]1535-lauren know what lengths [she]238-ava ’ll go to in order to ruin [me]1535-lauren . [Lauren]1535-lauren casts [her]238-ava eyes over to [Ava]238-ava , a salacious smirk on [her]238-ava lips . “[1535-lauren] Oh , [you]1740-you mean of all the things [he]1741-he ’s reminded [you]1740-you of , [he]1741-he forgot to mention [me]0-i ? [Her]238-ava cold eyes fall back onto [my]454-jesse motionless form . [My]454-jesse veins freeze . “[454-jesse] Oh , [Jesse]454-jesse , [you]1740-you have a habit of leaving [[your]1740-you ex - wife]26-maddie off [your]1740-you list of priorities . And [[your]1740-you dead daughter]26-maddie . [Ava]238-ava gasps , and [I]238-ava force [myself]238-ava to face [her]26-maddie . [She]26-maddie ’s brought [her]26-maddie hands to [her]26-maddie head , [her]26-maddie face twisting in agony . And then [she]26-maddie screams . And [I]238-ava realize what ’s happening . [She]26-maddie ’s remembering . “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava , [baby]26-maddie . [I]238-ava go to [her]26-maddie , catching [her]26-maddie as [she]26-maddie falls to [her]26-maddie knees . “[238-ava] No ! [she]26-maddie sobs . “[238-ava] No , no , no ! [She]26-maddie starts yanking at [her]26-maddie hair , deranged and inconsolable . “[238-ava] Make it stop ! [I]0-i do n’t want to know ! ” “[26-maddie] Oh , [Jesus]26-maddie . [I]2298-kids fight back [my]2298-kids tears , roaring to the sky , begging for [someone]293-someone up there to stop this insanity . [I]2298-kids ’m torn , needing to comfort [[my]2298-kids wife]26-maddie as [she]26-maddie ’s attacked with every tiny detail of [our]3252-our history all at once , the dams opening and flooding [her]26-maddie fragile brain . But there ’s [a psychotic woman]3253-a psychotic woman a few feet away on the trampoline with [[my]2298-kids babies]216-my babies . [I]2298-kids know what [she]26-maddie ’s capable of . [I]2298-kids know the hatred [she]26-maddie harbors for [me]2298-kids . Yelling , [I]2298-kids break away from [Ava]238-ava to face [[my]2298-kids nemesis]2709-my nemesis . [Lauren]1535-lauren ’s smirk is wider . [Sicker]158-sicker . [Uglier]159-uglier . [The kids]2298-kids are staring at [[their]2298-kids mum]2201-their mum , shocked and confused at [her]1535-lauren hysterics . Opening [my]2298-kids arms , [I]2298-kids swallow down [my]2298-kids fear , working on keeping [my]2298-kids face sure and strong . [They]2298-kids need to see [me]2298-kids strong . “[2298-kids] [Kids]2298-kids , come to [Dad]1256-dad . [They]2298-kids both take one step forward , but before [they]2298-kids can go any farther , [Lauren]1535-lauren puts an arm around each of [their]2298-kids shoulders , pulling [them]2298-kids in tightly . [They]2298-kids flinch , [their]2298-kids eyes round now , but [they]2298-kids do n’t struggle . [I]2298-kids ’m so proud [they]2298-kids ’re smart enough to keep [their]2298-kids cool . “[2298-kids] [They]2298-kids ’re quite happy here with [Auntie Lauren]1535-lauren , right , [kids]2298-kids ? [She]1535-lauren kisses both of [their]2298-kids heads in turn , [her]1535-lauren eyes on [me]454-jesse . “[454-jesse] Adorable , [Jesse]454-jesse . Really adorable . And now [you]454-jesse have another on the way ! How exciting for [you]454-jesse . Another addition to [[your]454-jesse perfect family]1744-your perfect family . Ever wonder what [[our]1745-our Rosie]1746-our rosie would look like if [she]1746-our rosie ’d have made it to this age ? If [you]454-jesse had n’t killed [her]1746-our rosie ? ” The pain that bolts through [me]1535-lauren is excruciating . It makes [me]1535-lauren physically retch , [my]1535-lauren stomach twisting nastily . [The kids]2196-my children remain silent , unmoving , but the shock on [their]2196-my children faces is undeniable . [I]1535-lauren just need to get [them]2196-my children away from [her]1746-our rosie . “[1535-lauren] [Lauren]1535-lauren . [I]1535-lauren keep [my]1535-lauren tone level and sure , taking slow , careful steps toward the trampoline . “[1535-lauren] [You]454-jesse do n’t want to hurt [[my]0-i children]2196-my children . [You]454-jesse ’re not evil . Think about what [you]454-jesse ’re doing . ” “[454-jesse] Of course [I]0-i do n’t want to hurt [them]2196-my children . [She]1746-our rosie laughs , almost hysterically . Whatever the fuck [they]2196-my children ’ve been doing in [that psychiatric ward]3257-that psychiatric ward all this time sure as shit has n’t fixed [her]1746-our rosie . “[454-jesse] Then take [me]0-i , [I]454-jesse say . “[454-jesse] Wherever [you]454-jesse want to go . [We]1748-we ’ll talk . See if [we]1748-we can work this out . ” “[454-jesse] Can [you]454-jesse bring [Rosie]66-rosie back ? ” “[454-jesse] [No one]210-no one can bring [Rosie]66-rosie back , [Lauren]1535-lauren . [I]1535-lauren reach the foot of [the trampoline]2719-the trampoline , threading [my]1535-lauren fingers through the netting [myself]1535-lauren , getting [my]1535-lauren face closer . [I]1535-lauren see that hatred in [her]1535-lauren eyes amplify . “[1535-lauren] Take [me]0-i . [You]454-jesse want to hurt [me]0-i . [They]1750-they do n’t deserve to suffer for [my]0-i mistakes . ” Painfully , [I]454-jesse silently acknowledge that either way , [[my]454-jesse children]2196-my children are going to suffer here . There ’s no escaping it . Either [this lunatic woman]3260-this lunatic woman will hurt [them]2196-my children — and [I]454-jesse ’ll go to [the ends of [the earth]3262-the earth]3261-the ends of the earth to prevent that — or [she]3260-this lunatic woman ’ll hurt [me]454-jesse , and that in turn will hurt [them]2196-my children . [I]454-jesse ca n’t win . But the latter is the lesser of two evils . [I]454-jesse ’m between the devil and [the deep blue sea]3263-the deep blue sea . “[454-jesse] No , [Jesse]454-jesse . [Ava]238-ava ’s voice comes from nowhere , pulling [my]1751-i eyes to the left . [She]238-ava ’s staring at [Lauren]1535-lauren , eyes almost crazy , and [I]1751-i know it ’s because all the madness that ’s just ransacked [her]238-ava head has made [her]238-ava that way . [I]1751-i ’ve made [her]238-ava that way . “[1751-i] [She]1751-i ’s already tried to kill [you]454-jesse twice . ” “[1751-i] Third time ’s the charm ? [Lauren]1535-lauren smirks . “[1751-i] [You]454-jesse ’re not getting the opportunity ever again . [Ava]238-ava ’s head starts to shake , [her]238-ava eyes falling to [me]1751-i . “[1751-i] [I]0-i ’m not going to that level of hell again . [I]0-i ’m not praying for weeks upon weeks for [you]454-jesse to wake up . [I]0-i ’m not letting [her]1751-i hurt [you]454-jesse again . [You]454-jesse ’ll have to fucking kill [me]0-i first . ” “[454-jesse] That ’s sweet . [Lauren]1535-lauren laughs again . “[454-jesse] But [you]454-jesse ’re forgetting [I]0-i have something [you]454-jesse both cherish right here . [She]238-ava hugs [the kids]327-our kids closer . “[454-jesse] Do n’t get ahead of [yourself]454-jesse , [Ava]238-ava . [She]238-ava casts [her]238-ava cold eyes over to [me]238-ava . “[238-ava] Seems [[your]454-jesse husband]341-your husband wants to come with [me]0-i . ” Releasing [the kids]327-our kids , [she]238-ava collects a bag from the soft cushioned edge of [the trampoline]2719-the trampoline and reaches inside . [I]238-ava get a glimpse of the handle of a handgun , and air enters [my]238-ava lungs so fast , [I]238-ava stagger back one step . “[238-ava] [I]0-i ’ll come . ” “[0-i] No ! [Ava]238-ava glares at [me]454-jesse , furious . [I]454-jesse ignore [her]238-ava and walk around the edge of [the trampoline]2719-the trampoline , unzipping the entrance . “[454-jesse] [Jesse]454-jesse ! [She]238-ava ’s losing it , and [I]1256-dad flip [her]238-ava a death stare , silently asking [her]238-ava what fucking choice [I]1256-dad have . [She]238-ava has [[our]3266-our kids]327-our kids , for fuck ’s sake . [Ava]238-ava ’s so panicked , so overcome with what ’s transpiring , [she]238-ava ’s not thinking straight . [She]238-ava snaps [her]238-ava mouth shut and diverts [her]238-ava attention to [Jacob]60-jacob and [Maddie]26-maddie . And then it hits [her]238-ava . [Her]238-ava duty . [I]1256-dad see the lioness in [her]238-ava rocket to the surface , accompanied by a newfound hatred for [the woman]238-ava now coming down the ladder of [the trampoline]2719-the trampoline , [her]238-ava gun pointed directly at [my]1256-dad chest . “[1256-dad] [Dad]1256-dad ? [Jacob]60-jacob ’s voice is ragged and cracked as [he]60-jacob collects [[his]60-jacob sister]2209-his sister and walks [her]238-ava to the farthest edge of [the enclosure]3269-the enclosure , as far away from [Lauren]1535-lauren as [he]60-jacob can get [them]3270-them . “[1256-dad] [Dad]1256-dad , no . ” “[1256-dad] It ’s fine , [mate]263-argh . [I]263-argh force a smile at [him]1256-dad . “[263-argh] Everything is going to be all right , [I]0-i promise [you]263-argh . [I]0-i do n’t make promises [I]0-i ca n’t keep , and [I]0-i ’m ignoring the voice inside [my]0-i head that ’s telling [me]0-i [I]0-i just broke that rule . [Lauren]1535-lauren reaches the bottom of the ladder and stares up at [me]0-i as [she]1535-lauren slips [her]1535-lauren feet into a pair of heels [I]0-i recognize . [Ava]238-ava ’s . The hair , the dress , the shoes . It ’s all been planned . [I]0-i ’m [her]238-ava fucking date . “[0-i] [You]263-argh can drive , [she]238-ava says , reaching into [my]1754-my pocket . Every muscle [I]1754-my possess freezes as [she]238-ava feels around inside . [I]1754-my hiss when [she]238-ava skims [my]1754-my limp cock . “[1754-my] [We]1754-my ’ll fix that , [I]0-i ’m sure . ” “[0-i] Get [your]263-argh hands off [him]263-argh ! [Ava]238-ava screams , the wild in [her]238-ava eyes reaching a whole new dangerous level . “[0-i] Pipe down , [sweetheart]0-i . [Lauren]1535-lauren pulls out the keys for [my]0-i Aston and thrusts them into [my]0-i chest . “[0-i] Let ’s go . [My]0-i limp hand takes [the bunch]3271-the bunch , [my]0-i eyes darting quickly to [Ava]238-ava . [She]238-ava ’s made it to [the kids]2010-the kids , and [they]2010-the kids ’re huddled together in the middle of [the trampoline]2719-the trampoline , [[my]0-i babies]2201-their mum ’ faces in [[their]2201-their mum mum]2201-their mum ’s chest , hiding from this horror scene . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m driving . [I]0-i say the words as clearly as [I]0-i can , praying [Ava]238-ava hears [my]0-i silent message . “[0-i] In [[my]0-i car]235-my car . ” “[0-i] Yes , in [[your]0-i car]235-my car . [Lauren]1535-lauren wedges the gun painfully in [my]0-i rib . “[0-i] Go . [I]0-i ’m forced to turn before [I]0-i get the opportunity to check for any recollection on [Ava]238-ava ’s face . [I]0-i fear [she]238-ava ’s too lost in the new memories to realize what [I]0-i ’m trying to tell [her]238-ava . As [I]0-i ’m guided to [[my]0-i car]235-my car by the gun held at [my]0-i back , [I]0-i tussle with the temptation to turn and wrestle it from [her]238-ava hands . [I]0-i ’m big enough to easily overpower [her]238-ava . But that gun . One tweak of [her]238-ava finger , no matter how fast [I]0-i am , and [I]0-i ’ll be gone . And then [Ava]238-ava and [the kids]2010-the kids will be helpless . No way am [I]0-i risking [their]2010-the kids lives . Fuck [mine]0-i . Fuck this . [I]0-i deserve it all . Had [I]0-i enlightened [Ava]238-ava , grown some balls and told [her]238-ava everything , [she]238-ava would have been aware of [Lauren]1535-lauren . Would have maybe seen some signs . Instead , [I]0-i was the coward [I]0-i was years ago , and [I]0-i ’ve put [the most precious people in [my]0-i life]3276-the most precious people in my life at danger ’s door . [My]0-i feet are heavy , [my]0-i heart slowing with each step [I]0-i take . [She]238-ava wo n’t need to kill [me]0-i . [I]0-i ’m dying little bit by little bit the farther [I]0-i walk away from [[my]0-i family]358-my family . Chapter 54 [My]0-i attention is divided between [the road]2159-the road and [Lauren]1535-lauren ’s lap , where the gun is resting lightly , [her]1535-lauren finger curled around the trigger . [I]0-i know fuck all about guns . [I]0-i would n’t be able to tell [you]3279-you if it was loaded , or even ready to fire . This could just be a show . [I]0-i ’m unwilling to test could be . All [I]0-i know for sure is [this woman]1535-lauren wants to make [me]0-i suffer . [I]0-i do n’t know where [we]3280-we ’re headed . [I]0-i ’m taking instructions as [she]1535-lauren gives [them]3280-we , following [the road]2159-the road out of [the city]497-the city . [I]0-i do n’t know whether to talk to [her]1535-lauren . Attempt to make [her]1535-lauren feel at ease . [I]0-i have not one fucking clue how to handle this . [I]0-i ’m just so thankful [Ava]238-ava and [the kids]2010-the kids are out of harm ’s way . And yet [Ava]238-ava must be terrified — by what ’s happening now , and by the flood of memories . [My]0-i knuckles go white on the steering wheel , [my]0-i heart pulsing with pain . [I]0-i could go on a rampage . Destroy everything in sight , starting with [Lauren]1535-lauren . But [I]0-i have to stay calm and sensible if [I]0-i ’m going to get through this . As [my]0-i phone persistently vibrates in [my]0-i pocket , [I]0-i mentally talk to [Ava]238-ava , telling [her]238-ava over and over to think about what [I]0-i said as [I]0-i left . [I]0-i beg for the penny to drop through [her]238-ava despair and fear . “[0-i] Right at [the roundabout]1756-the roundabout . [Lauren]1535-lauren breaks into [my]1757-i thoughts with [her]1535-lauren curt order , and [I]1757-i follow [her]1535-lauren instructions , taking [the country road farther out of [the city]497-the city]3283-the country road farther out of the city . Every time [I]1757-i catch sight of [her]1535-lauren , [I]1757-i feel sick . “[1757-i] [You]1757-i like ? [she]1535-lauren asks , scrunching [her]1535-lauren hair when [she]1535-lauren catches [me]1757-i looking . “[1757-i] [You]1757-i ’re into [brunettes]1758-brunettes , right ? ” “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m into [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie and [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie alone . ” The venom in [my]0-i tone is savage but unstoppable . [She]26-maddie ignores [my]0-i scathing retort and proceeds to pat down [her]26-maddie black lace dress . “[0-i] [She]26-maddie picked this for [me]0-i . ” One foot comes up and rests on the dashboard . “[26-maddie] And these are [hers]26-maddie . [You]1760-you must like what [you]1760-you see . ” What [I]1760-you see makes [me]1760-you want to vomit . “[1760-you] [You]1760-you look very nice , [Lauren]1535-lauren , [I]1535-lauren say carefully , silently running through [my]1535-lauren options . There are three , as [I]1535-lauren see it : Fight or flee being two of the obvious , though that gun [she]1535-lauren ’s holding like it could be a vital part of [her]1535-lauren outfit is rendering those options redundant . Then there ’s the third option , the one [I]1535-lauren ’m going to take . Pacify [her]1535-lauren . Draw [her]1535-lauren into a false sense of security . “[1535-lauren] How did [you]1760-you find [us]1761-us ? ” “[1760-you] Well , there [I]0-i am enjoying [my]0-i morning coffee reading the paper and suddenly [I]0-i ’m staring at [her]0-i . [She]0-i lost [her]0-i memory , [they]1762-they said . Such a shame . [They]1762-they kindly mentioned that [Ava]238-ava and [[her]238-ava husband]26-maddie ran [a health club]2568-a health club . It was n’t hard to find [you]1760-you . [She]0-i sighs , pointing the gun to the signpost up ahead as [I]26-maddie bristle and curse [the fucking journalists]3285-the fucking journalists to hell and back . “[26-maddie] Left there . ” It ’s [the area where [we]1765-we grew up]2274-here . “[26-maddie] Why are [we]1765-we [here]2274-here ? [I]26-maddie take the turn and keep [my]26-maddie speed at thirty as [we]1765-we drive down [the narrow country road toward [the village]3287-the village]3286-the narrow country road toward the village . “[26-maddie] A trip down [memory lane]2444-memory lane . [She]0-i turns in [her]0-i seat . “[26-maddie] Remember [the barn where [we]1765-we first kissed]1768-the barn ? ” “[26-maddie] Yes . [I]26-maddie remember [the barn]1768-the barn , but [I]26-maddie have no recollection of the kiss . [She]0-i could be making it up . Or not . Over the years , [I]26-maddie ’ve successfully eradicated most memories of [Lauren]1535-lauren from [my]26-maddie life . Cleansed [my]26-maddie mind and left space for only the things that mean something to [me]26-maddie . Like [Rosie]66-rosie . Like [[my]26-maddie brother]2431-my brother . [I]26-maddie want to ask when [she]0-i was released from [the nuthouse]3289-the nuthouse . [I]26-maddie also want to ask what imbecile deemed [her]0-i safe to [the outside world]3290-the outside world . Though [I]26-maddie know bringing that up would be unwise . Besides , [I]26-maddie know [she]0-i ’s safe to [most people]3291-most people . It ’s just [me]26-maddie and [[my]26-maddie family]358-my family [she]0-i has a vendetta against . [She]0-i ’s volatile . [I]26-maddie should n’t say anything to push [her]0-i over the edge . [We]3293-we were assured that if [she]0-i were ever released , [we]3293-we ’d be informed . And it was a massive if . How the fuck did this happen ? Why did n’t [we]3293-we know ? More questions mount , tearing up [my]26-maddie mind as [I]26-maddie stare ahead . The clouds on the horizon are dense and low , giving the illusion of [an impressive mountain range]3294-an impressive mountain range . Though however dull the sky is , the surroundings are beautiful . Fields stretch for miles , a patchwork of yellows and greens , though [my]26-maddie appreciation is stunted by memories of [my]26-maddie childhood and teenage years . [We]3293-we approach [the small , idyllic village church where [I]26-maddie married [the lunatic]3295-the small , idyllic village church where i married the lunatic now sitting next to me now sitting next to [me]26-maddie]3295-the small , idyllic village church where i married the lunatic now sitting next to me . Flashbacks hit [me]26-maddie from all directions , [my]26-maddie hands now bloodless , [my]26-maddie jaw aching terribly from the force of [my]26-maddie bite as [I]26-maddie fight the memories away . [I]26-maddie see [me]26-maddie , barely [a man]224-a man , standing at the entrance of [the church]3295-the small , idyllic village church where i married the lunatic now sitting next to me , [[Lauren]1535-lauren ’s parents]3297-lauren ’s parents talking [me]26-maddie into entering . There ’s a sea of faces , all smiling . [I]26-maddie see [the priest]3298-the priest up ahead , [his]3298-the priest Bible resting in [his]3298-the priest open hands . [I]26-maddie hear [myself]26-maddie asking [him]3298-the priest to pray for [me]26-maddie . To help [me]26-maddie . [He]3298-the priest could n’t have heard [my]26-maddie silent pleas . That , or [he]3298-the priest and [the Mighty One]3299-the mighty one decided [I]26-maddie was getting what [I]26-maddie deserved . That [I]26-maddie would pay for the rest of [my]26-maddie life for being so reckless with [[my]26-maddie brother]2431-my brother ’s life . And [I]26-maddie have . [I]26-maddie ’ve paid tenfold . When does it stop ? When will the punishments end ? “[26-maddie] Fond memories . [We]1769-we could have been so happy . [Lauren]1535-lauren sighs dreamily as [we]1769-we pass [the ancient place of worship]3301-the ancient place of worship , [the car]2161-the car jumping from the endless divots in [the old road]3303-the old road . “[1769-we] Until [you]1770-you ruined it . Turn down the next road on the left . [I]1535-lauren say nothing , for fear [I]1535-lauren might say the wrong thing , and take [the next lane]3304-the next lane as instructed . [I]1535-lauren see [the barn]1768-the barn up ahead , [the ramshackle building]3306-the ramshackle building barely still standing . “[1535-lauren] What are [we]1769-we doing [here]2274-here , [Lauren]1535-lauren ? ” “[454-jesse] Shut up , [Jesse]454-jesse , [she]1535-lauren spits as [I]454-jesse roll to a stop outside [the deserted barn]1768-the barn . “[454-jesse] [I]0-i ’m surprised [you]1770-you have n’t asked [me]0-i about [my]0-i delightful stay courtesy of [[Her]1535-lauren Majesty [the queen]1329-the queen]1329-the queen . ” “[1329-the queen] What does it matter ? [I]1770-you turn to face [her]1535-lauren , enduring the face of pure evil . “[1770-you] [You]1770-you ’re here now . ” “[0-i] [I]0-i was [such a good girl]0-i . [She]1535-lauren smiles , as if thinking fondly . “[0-i] [The doctors]2181-the doctors knew [I]0-i was n’t bad to the core . Just terribly hurt . [Assessments]160-assessments proved it . [They]160-assessments put [me]0-i on a program . [I]0-i was [an A - grade student]1774-an a - grade student , the perfect reformed example . So [they]160-assessments released [me]0-i . [She]1535-lauren smiles proudly , while [I]160-assessments force [my]160-assessments frown into hiding . [She]1535-lauren fooled [them]160-assessments ? Made [them]160-assessments believe [she]1535-lauren ’s stable so [she]1535-lauren could come out [here]2274-here and finish a job [she]1535-lauren started over a decade ago ? “[160-assessments] That ’s when [I]0-i became [Zara Cross]116-zara . ” “[160-assessments] [They]160-assessments gave [you]1775-you a new identity ? ” “[160-assessments] The good old justice system . [I]0-i was vulnerable , [Jesse]454-jesse . [You]1775-you see , [I]0-i ’m not crazy . [I]0-i know damn well what [I]0-i ’m doing , and [I]0-i know that as soon as [I]0-i rid this world of [your]1775-you despicable life , [I]0-i ’ll be carted back to [a padded cell]1776-a padded cell to live out the rest of [my]0-i days . [She]1535-lauren pokes [me]0-i in the arm with the barrel of the gun . “[0-i] Except [I]0-i do n’t want to live anymore . [I]0-i ’m done with this life . [My]1535-lauren eyes lift from the gun to [her]1535-lauren empty dull pits of fading blue , and [I]1535-lauren comprehend immediately that [she]1535-lauren means it wholeheartedly . “[1535-lauren] [Lauren]1535-lauren , it does n’t have to be like this . [I]1535-lauren try to work on [her]1535-lauren reason . “[1535-lauren] [You]1775-you can be happy again . [She]1535-lauren laughs . It ’s cold and it ’s fake . “[1775-you] [You]1775-you mean like [you]1775-you ? [You]1775-you think [I]0-i should replace [Rosie]66-rosie and pretend [she]66-rosie never existed ? No , [Jesse]454-jesse . Never . And do [you]1775-you honestly think [I]0-i ’m willing to stand by and watch [you]1775-you wash away [her]66-rosie memory with [a few more kids]1777-a few more kids and [that wife of [yours]1779-yours]2641-our daughter ? [[Our]1780-our daughter]2641-our daughter deserves justice . ” Another poke of [my]2641-our daughter arm . “[2641-our daughter] Get out . [I]2641-our daughter blindly reach for the handle , pulling [myself]2641-our daughter from [the car]235-my car as [I]2641-our daughter keep an eye on [Lauren]1535-lauren getting out of the other side . [Her]1535-lauren plan now is crystal clear in [my]2641-our daughter head . [She]1535-lauren ’ll pull that trigger on [me]2641-our daughter , and then turn it on [herself]1535-lauren . [She]1535-lauren ’s not going back to [prison]3309-prison . As [she]1535-lauren rounds [the car]235-my car , [she]1535-lauren struggles on the uneven ground in [Ava]238-ava ’s heels , having to hold the bonnet of [[my]2641-our daughter car]235-my car for support . [She]1535-lauren eventually kicks the shoes off , motioning with the gun toward [the barn]1768-the barn . [I]2641-our daughter silently lead , looking up at the filthy wooden planks that make up [the derelict structure]3311-the derelict structure , seeing endless broken slats hanging off , most cracked . Once [we]3312-we ’re inside the huge empty space , [I]2641-our daughter look down at the concrete floor scattered with old strands of hay from decades ago , [my]2641-our daughter steps echoing around [us]3312-we . “[2641-our daughter] Up [the stairs]244-the stairs . ” There ’s [a rickety staircase with one or two steps missing]3313-a rickety staircase with one or two steps missing . [I]1535-lauren honestly doubt the rotten wood will take [my]1535-lauren weight . “[1535-lauren] [Lauren]1535-lauren , that does n’t look safe . ” “[263-argh] [Argh]263-argh , [she]1535-lauren coos , jamming the gun in [my]263-argh lower back . “[263-argh] Are [you]1535-lauren worried [I]0-i ’ll injure [myself]0-i ? [I]0-i think for a moment , considering another way through this nightmare . How long has it been since [someone]305-anyone showed [her]305-anyone any compassion or love ? How long since [anyone]305-anyone actually worried about [her]305-anyone ? [[Her]305-anyone parents]2182-her parents disowned [her]305-anyone . [She]305-anyone ’s had [no one]210-no one except [the professionals]3317-the professionals poking at [her]305-anyone mind . [I]0-i flinch where [I]0-i stand at the bottom of [the stairs]244-the stairs , sick at the thought of it . Can [I]0-i do it ? Can [I]0-i fool [her]305-anyone into thinking [I]0-i actually care ? [My]0-i stomach turns , [my]0-i mind reels . The words [I]0-i should say are thick on [my]0-i tongue . [She]305-anyone loved [me]0-i once . And something deep and disturbing inside [me]0-i warns [me]0-i that [she]305-anyone still does . That ’s why [she]305-anyone ’s so fucked up . That ’s why [she]305-anyone ’s on a mission to destroy [me]0-i . If [she]305-anyone ca n’t be happy , then neither can [I.]0-i If [she]305-anyone ca n’t have [me]0-i , then [no one]210-no one can . There ’s a fine line between love and hate , and [I]0-i think [Lauren]1535-lauren is straddling that line . The question is , can [I]0-i tip [her]1535-lauren in [my]0-i favor ? [I]0-i do n’t want to . What [I]0-i want to do is rip [her]1535-lauren apart piece by piece until [she]1535-lauren ’s nothing but a pile of body parts at [my]0-i feet . But no matter what , no matter how [I]0-i get there , [I]0-i need to make it back to [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie . Preferably in one piece . [I]0-i ca n’t put [Ava]238-ava through the agony of thinking [she]1535-lauren ’s lost [me]0-i again . [I]0-i ’ve been there [myself]0-i recently . It ’s lower than hell . [I]0-i slowly turn to face [Lauren]1535-lauren and conjure up the words [my]0-i heart forbids [me]0-i to say . “[0-i] Yes , actually . [I]0-i do care . [I]0-i keep [my]0-i eyes on [hers]1535-lauren , searching for anything to suggest this might work . It ’s [my]0-i only hope . “[0-i] Would that be so hard to believe ? ” It happens so fast , [I]1782-i nearly miss it . A flash of surprise , followed by a frown . “[1782-i] [You]1782-i care ? [She]1535-lauren ’s on the verge of laughter , though [I]0-i hear hope , actual hope , and it drives [me]0-i , confirms [I]0-i ’m bang on the money . [I]0-i feel like [I]0-i ’m selling [my]0-i soul to [the fucking devil]3321-the fucking devil , but [I]0-i ’ll buy it back . One way or another , [I]0-i ’m making it [home]201-home . “[0-i] [I]0-i never stopped caring , [Lauren]1535-lauren . Look at [my]0-i life before [you]1535-lauren . [I]0-i lost [the person [I]0-i was closest to in [the fucking world]1294-the fucking world]1783-the person i was closest to in the fucking world . It fucked [me]0-i up . [I]0-i did things [I]0-i regret . Said things [I]0-i did n’t mean . It was n’t personal . [You]1785-i were just another casualty on [[my]0-i road]1786-my road to self - destruction . ” It ’s now [I]1785-i realize that most of what [I]1785-i ’m saying is true . There ’s just one small bit that is n’t . The caring part , but the truth is , [I]1785-i only stopped caring , stopped feeling guilty , when [she]1535-lauren turned on [Ava]238-ava all those years ago . At that point , [she]1535-lauren was dead to [me]1785-i . [I]1785-i see doubt in [her]1535-lauren eyes , but [I]1785-i also see the need to believe [me]1785-i . And now [I]1785-i believe [her]1535-lauren . [I]1785-i do n’t think [she]1535-lauren ’s crazy at all . [I]1785-i think [she]1535-lauren ’s broken . [I]1785-i think [she]1535-lauren needs closure , and [I]1785-i think the only way [she]1535-lauren feels [she]1535-lauren can get it is by destroying [me]1785-i and then [herself]1535-lauren . [I]1785-i can make [her]1535-lauren see differently . [I]1785-i have to make [her]1535-lauren see differently . [I]1785-i take one careful step toward [her]1535-lauren and [she]1535-lauren lowers the gun just a fraction . “[1785-i] Why ’d [you]1787-you do this ? [I]1785-i ask , motioning up and down [her]1535-lauren body . “[1785-i] The dress . The hair . Why , [Lauren]1535-lauren ? ” There ’s only one explanation . [She]1535-lauren wants to be [Ava]238-ava . [She]1535-lauren wants to be [mine]0-i . [Her]1535-lauren lip quivers . “[1535-lauren] It hurts [me]0-i how much [you]1787-you love [her]1535-lauren . It killed [me]0-i to listen to [her]1535-lauren tell [me]0-i over yoga and coffee how devoted [you]1787-you are . Why could n’t [you]1787-you be that for [me]0-i ? Why could n’t [you]1787-you love [me]0-i with that much passion ? [Her]1535-lauren voice finally cracks . “[238-ava] When [I]0-i was ill , like [Ava]238-ava has been , why could n’t [you]1787-you do whatever it took to make [me]0-i better ? [Tears]161-tears form a river down [her]1535-lauren cheeks . “[1787-you] [You]1787-you will do anything for [that woman]1535-lauren . What is it about [her]1535-lauren ? ” And there [we]3323-we have it . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’ll help [you]1787-you , [Lauren]1535-lauren . [I]0-i promise [I]0-i ’ll help [you]1787-you . [I]0-i ’m surprised [I]0-i really mean it . [I]0-i do n’t know how [I]0-i can help [her]1535-lauren , but , honestly , if it means [I]0-i get back to [[my]0-i family]358-my family , [I]0-i ’m prepared to do anything . “[0-i] Will [you]1787-you love [me]0-i like [you]1787-you love [her]1535-lauren ? ” The words [she]1535-lauren wants to hear wo n’t come . [I]0-i ca n’t say them . [I]0-i ’ll help [her]1535-lauren , but [I]0-i ca n’t love [her]1535-lauren like [she]1535-lauren wants to be loved . “[0-i] [I]0-i[She]1535-lauren smiles , but this time it ’s not malicious . It ’s sad . “[1787-you] [You]1787-you ca n’t , [I]0-i know . [She]1535-lauren points to [the stairs]244-the stairs . [I]1535-lauren take a long breath , pinching the bridge of [my]1535-lauren nose . “[1535-lauren] [Lauren]1535-lauren” “[1787-you] [You]1787-you ’ve said enough . Just go . [I]1787-you close [my]1787-you eyes as [I]1787-you turn , looking up to the heavens as [I]1787-you take [the unstable old staircase]244-the stairs to [the hay store]3326-the hay store above . “[1787-you] Do n’t do this , [Lauren]1535-lauren , [I]0-i beg [you]1787-you . ” It ’s all [I]0-i have left . Pleas . [I]0-i do n’t get a reply . What [I]0-i get instead is the clicking sound of the safety being disengaged . [The barn]1768-the barn is empty . There ’s nowhere to take cover if [she]1535-lauren gets trigger - happy . [I]0-i look over [my]0-i shoulder as [I]0-i reach the top of [the stairs]244-the stairs , finding [her]1535-lauren a few steps behind [me]0-i . Not too far , but far enough to have the upper hand , far enough to fire before [I]0-i make it to [her]1535-lauren should [I]0-i fight . [I]0-i ’m fucking snookered . [She]1535-lauren swallows as [she]1535-lauren points to a huge opening in the wood looking out onto [the countryside]3328-the countryside . [I]0-i ’ve heard funny things run through [your]1787-you mind when [you]1787-you ’re staring death in the face , and currently running through [my]0-i mind is how beautiful that view is . How lush and green [the land]3329-the land is . How this might be the last thing [I]0-i see . [I]0-i approach and widen [my]0-i stance , [my]0-i back to [Lauren]1535-lauren . [My]0-i mind settles , but determination fights forward . Here , [I]0-i ’m a sitting duck . [I]0-i ’m [a dead man]1535-lauren . No question , [her]1535-lauren aim is clear . If [I]0-i charge [her]1535-lauren , [she]1535-lauren ’ll be shooting in a rush . [She]1535-lauren ’ll be clumsy . [She]1535-lauren might hit [me]0-i , but the chances of [her]1535-lauren getting [her]1535-lauren aim right under pressure are reduced . [I]0-i turn , every muscle in [my]0-i body readying . [Her]1535-lauren head cocks , and [she]1535-lauren must see the determination in [my]0-i gaze because [she]1535-lauren flexes [her]1535-lauren two - handed grip on the gun . “[0-i] Do n’t do anything stupid , [she]1535-lauren warns . “[0-i] Then just fucking shoot [me]0-i , [Lauren]1535-lauren , [I]60-jacob goad . Why is [she]1535-lauren dragging this out ? [One]162-one would assume [her]1535-lauren sick head is enjoying the anticipation of [my]60-jacob death . Or could [she]1535-lauren be searching for the strength [she]1535-lauren needs to kill [the man [she]1535-lauren loves]26-maddie ? [I]60-jacob do n’t get the chance to reach a conclusion on that . [I]60-jacob hear a noise [downstairs]256-downstairs , the sound of a piece of wood snapping . [My]60-jacob gaze shoots to the gaping hole in the floor where [the stairs]244-the stairs drop . More wood snaps , the sound echoing through [the barn]1768-the barn and ricocheting off the walls . [I]60-jacob see something emerge from the opening , and it takes [me]60-jacob two seconds to recognize who . There ’s no mistaking the shiny , bald , black head . [My]60-jacob heart lurches as [Lauren]1535-lauren swings the gun in [his]162-one direction . And [he]162-one ’s completely unaware . “[60-jacob] [John]60-jacob ! [I]75-motherfucker yell , making [Lauren]1535-lauren spin around to face [me]75-motherfucker . [I]75-motherfucker raise [my]75-motherfucker hands in the air and back up until [I]75-motherfucker ’m forced to stop or plunge fifty feet from the opening to the concrete below . “[75-motherfucker] [Motherfucker]75-motherfucker , [John]60-jacob breathes once [he]162-one ’s made it safely to the top of [the stairs]244-the stairs . [He]162-one slowly pulls off [his]162-one sunglasses . [His]162-one nostrils flare . [His]162-one huge chest heaves . “[75-motherfucker] Put the fucking gun down , [Lauren]1535-lauren . ” Most would heed the threat in [his]162-one booming voice . [Lauren]1535-lauren is n’t most . [She]1535-lauren moves a few paces to the right , putting [her]1535-lauren at an even distance between [both of [us]461-both of us]461-both of us , the gun swinging back and forth between [our]461-both of us bodies . [My]1535-lauren head twists and warps , [my]1535-lauren panic rising . Did [Ava]238-ava click ? Did [she]238-ava realize what [I]1535-lauren was telling [her]238-ava ? Then why the fuck did n’t [she]238-ava call [the police]2309-the police ? Not [John]60-jacob , [the police]2309-the police ! “[1535-lauren] [You]1788-you should go , [John]60-jacob , [Lauren]1535-lauren warns . “[60-jacob] This is between [me]0-i and [Jesse]454-jesse . ” “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m going nowhere . [He]454-jesse ’s resolute , and [I]0-i know [he]454-jesse means it . “[0-i] Then [you]1788-you can watch . ” Before [I]1535-lauren can even register , the gun is on [me]1535-lauren , [her]238-ava body turning in what seems like slow motion . And [she]238-ava wastes no time pulling the trigger . The loudest bang pierces the air , and [my]1535-lauren body jolts as [John]60-jacob throws [himself]60-jacob across [the barn]1768-the barn toward [Lauren]1535-lauren . [My]1535-lauren vision blurs , but [I]1535-lauren manage to see [her]1535-lauren turning the gun on [herself]1535-lauren , taking it toward [her]1535-lauren temple . [John]60-jacob roars , and [Lauren]1535-lauren crashes to the ground . [I]1535-lauren hear another bang as [they]3337-they roll across the dusty floor . It ’s only the sound of [Lauren]1535-lauren ’s screams that tell [me]1535-lauren [she]1535-lauren missed . Numb , frozen , [I]1535-lauren look down [my]1535-lauren torso , searching for the dark crimson soaking [my]1535-lauren T - shirt . There ’s nothing . Then there ’s something . Pain , fuck [me]1535-lauren , pain . [I]1535-lauren hiss and grasp the top of [my]1535-lauren arm , the blood now found , growing rapidly on [my]1535-lauren sleeve . The bolts of pain only keep [my]1535-lauren attention for a microsecond , a grunt from [John]60-jacob realigning [my]1535-lauren focus . [Lauren]1535-lauren ’s made it onto [her]1535-lauren feet , and [she]1535-lauren ’s still holding the gun . [She]1535-lauren walks back , struggling for breath , wild eyes darting . [She]1535-lauren looks disoriented , unsteady as [she]1535-lauren backs up , the hole in the floor getting closer and closer , the wood all crumbled around the edges . [I]1535-lauren see what ’s about to happen , and for the life of [me]1535-lauren , [I]1535-lauren ca n’t think why [I]1535-lauren try to warn [her]1535-lauren . “[1535-lauren] [Lauren]1535-lauren , no ! [I]1535-lauren ’m too late . The floor cracks , and [she]1535-lauren loses [her]1535-lauren footing . [She]1535-lauren screams . It ’s a bloodcurdling scream — a scream that will haunt [me]1535-lauren for the rest of [my]1535-lauren days . A scream that tells [me]1535-lauren [she]1535-lauren does n’t really want to die . Instinct has [me]1535-lauren rushing forward as [her]1535-lauren arms flail and [she]1535-lauren plummets backward , the gun firing again before the floor completely gives . [I]1535-lauren flinch and look away when [her]1535-lauren head crashes against the edge of a jagged piece of broken wood as [she]1535-lauren falls through the floor , the impact silencing [her]1535-lauren . [I]1535-lauren know [she]1535-lauren ’s dead before [she]1535-lauren hits the concrete below . But [I]1535-lauren still wince on a helpless , broken sob when the thud of [her]1535-lauren body meeting the ground penetrates the air , the sound of cracking bones torturous . [My]1535-lauren breathing diminishes , [my]1535-lauren blood running cold , as [I]1535-lauren fight to get air into [my]1535-lauren lungs , the pain kicking back in . [My]1535-lauren arm begins to throb , becomes lead hanging from [my]1535-lauren shoulder . Forcing [my]1535-lauren eyes back to the gaping hole in the floor , [I]1535-lauren carefully tread to the edge of it and peer over . [I]1535-lauren do n’t know why . [I]1535-lauren ’m in conflict , relieved , sad , angry . [Lauren]1535-lauren ’s mangled body lies in an unthinkable position , [her]1535-lauren dead eyes staring up at [me]1535-lauren . [I]1535-lauren hiss , jumping back from the edge , a low , pain - filled moan piercing [my]1535-lauren muddled head . But the moan does n’t come from [me]1535-lauren . [I]1535-lauren whirl around and find [John]60-jacob on [his]3338-his back , a pool of dark red growing around [his]3338-his big body . [His]3338-his bloody hand is resting on [his]3338-his abdomen . Shock stills [me]1535-lauren . Panic finds [me]1535-lauren again . [I]1535-lauren ’m a mass of useless muscles . [My]1535-lauren mind has quit thinking , [my]1535-lauren head an empty mess . “[1535-lauren] Help [me]0-i , [[you]0-i stupid motherfucker]360-you stupid motherfucker . [His]3338-his words are all but a gargle of pain , [his]3338-his eyes rolling in [their]3338-his sockets . [His]3338-his weak demand wakes [me]360-you stupid motherfucker from [my]360-you stupid motherfucker inertia , and [I]360-you stupid motherfucker bolt across [the barn]1768-the barn , dropping to [my]360-you stupid motherfucker knees by [his]3338-his side . [His]3338-his breathing is shallow . [His]3338-his black skin paling . [My]360-you stupid motherfucker hands go to [my]360-you stupid motherfucker hair and pull , panicked . “[360-you stupid motherfucker] Fuck ! [I]60-jacob yell , finally finding the sense to get [my]60-jacob phone . [I]60-jacob dial 999 , demand [an ambulance]2167-an ambulance , mindlessly reel off where [we]3341-we are . “[60-jacob] [John]60-jacob . [I]60-jacob grab [his]3338-his face , squeezing tightly . “[60-jacob] [John]60-jacob , keep [your]60-jacob eyes open , [buddy]60-jacob . Just keep [your]60-jacob eyes open . ” “[60-jacob] Fuck [you]60-jacob , [he]3338-his breathes , trying to focus on [me]60-jacob . “[60-jacob] There ’s [ten of [you]60-jacob]1790-ten of you , [[you]60-jacob bastard]60-jacob . ” “[60-jacob] There ’ll be a thousand of [me]0-i if [you]60-jacob do n’t keep [your]60-jacob eyes open , [big man]361-big man , and [every one of [them]1793-them]1792-every one of them will be kicking [your]60-jacob big black arse . [My]60-jacob voice is breaking , [my]60-jacob hope dying with every second that passes , [his]3338-his eyes closing for longer each time . A lump the size of a small planet wedges itself in [my]60-jacob throat . “[60-jacob] [John]60-jacob . [I]60-jacob take [his]3338-his shoulders , shaking , and [his]3338-his eyes drag open with effort . The whites , usually stark and bright , are bloodshot . “[60-jacob] What the fuck , [John]60-jacob ? [I]60-jacob lose control of [my]60-jacob emotions and spill tears all over [his]3338-his face . “[60-jacob] What the fuck have [you]60-jacob done ? [He]3338-his smiles . It ’s tired and [his]3338-his body goes limp in [my]0-i hold . “[0-i] [I]0-i[I]0-i … , [he]3338-his gasps , sucking in oxygen . “[0-i] [I]0-i told … [I]0-i told [Carmichael]2143-uncle carmichael” Drawing air , [he]3338-his winces . “[75-motherfucker] [Motherfucker]75-motherfucker , [he]3338-his breathes , straining to keep [his]3338-his eyes open . “[75-motherfucker] [I]0-i told [him]2143-uncle carmichael [I]0-i ’d always look out for … [you]60-jacob . [His]2143-uncle carmichael confession splits [my]60-jacob heart clean in two . “[60-jacob] [John]60-jacob , [I]60-jacob choke , struggling to see [him]2143-uncle carmichael through [my]60-jacob flooding eyes . “[60-jacob] It’s … it ’s time for [you]60-jacob to go it alone , [boy]60-jacob . [His]2143-uncle carmichael eyes close , and [I]60-jacob release a ragged sob , shaking [him]2143-uncle carmichael harder , desperate for [him]2143-uncle carmichael to stay with [me]60-jacob . “[60-jacob] [John]60-jacob , [[you]60-jacob bastard]60-jacob , open [your]60-jacob fucking eyes ! ” But [he]2143-uncle carmichael does n’t . Because [he]2143-uncle carmichael ’s already gone . “[60-jacob] No ! [I]60-jacob drop [his]2143-uncle carmichael shoulders , falling to [my]60-jacob arse and crying like [I]60-jacob ’ve never cried before , relentless pain ripping through [my]60-jacob broken body . “[60-jacob] [John]60-jacob , [I]60-jacob mumble , squeezing [my]60-jacob eyes closed , unable to see [him]2143-uncle carmichael like this . Lifeless . Limp . [This man]2143-uncle carmichael has sacrificed everything for [me]60-jacob . Love , happiness , freedom . [He]2143-uncle carmichael ’s been there at every turn , good and bad , and now [he]2143-uncle carmichael ’s gone . Gone because of [me]60-jacob . [He]2143-uncle carmichael ’s given the ultimate sacrifice . [His]2143-uncle carmichael life for [mine]60-jacob . [My]60-jacob sobs come , thicker and faster . [[My]60-jacob guardian angel]3342-my guardian angel . [He]2143-uncle carmichael ’s been by [my]60-jacob side through good and bad , has never faltered in [his]2143-uncle carmichael loyalty . [He]2143-uncle carmichael ’s kicked [my]60-jacob arse and picked [me]60-jacob up when [I]60-jacob ’ve been down . And the space inside [me]60-jacob , the special place in [my]60-jacob soul where [John]60-jacob belongs , is gaping wide open . [He]2143-uncle carmichael ’s [[my]60-jacob fucking hero]60-jacob . And [he]2143-uncle carmichael ’s gone . Chapter 55 Sirens . Lights . Shouts . The chaos in the middle of [the pretty countryside]3343-the pretty countryside is ugly . Voices are speaking to [me]60-jacob but [I]60-jacob ’m hearing no words . Regret and guilt leave [no room]3344-no room for anything else . “[60-jacob] How was [she]1794-she granted release ? [I]1794-she ask [the police officer who ’s been trying to speak to [me]1794-she as a paramedic inspects the hole in [my]1794-she arm]3345-the police officer who ’s been trying to speak to me as a paramedic inspects the hole in my arm . “[1794-she] All this is because [some clever prick]1795-some clever prick was hoodwinked by [a crazy woman]26-maddie . [I]57-mr. ward shrug [my]57-mr. ward arm , knocking the paramedic ’s hands away . “[57-mr. ward] [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward , [I]0-i know nothing of the circumstances surrounding [[your]1797-your ex - wife]1742-your ex - wife ’s release from [hospital]1334-hospital . ” “[57-mr. ward] [Hospital]1334-hospital ? [I]57-mr. ward stare at [him]57-mr. ward in disbelief . “[57-mr. ward] No , [a hospital]1334-hospital is where [you]1800-you go when [you]1800-you ’re ill or injured . Not when [you]1800-you are [a fucking psychopathic , merciless woman with a fucked - up vendetta]26-maddie . [I]26-maddie feel hands on [my]26-maddie arm again . “[26-maddie] Get the fuck off [me]0-i ! [I]26-maddie bellow , making [her]26-maddie back away vigilantly . “[26-maddie] [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward , please , calm down . ” “[57-mr. ward] Calm down ? [I]57-mr. ward would n’t be able to find calm if it dropped at [my]57-mr. ward feet . Anger is consuming [me]57-mr. ward . [I]57-mr. ward feel dangerous . “[57-mr. ward] [[My]0-i wife]26-maddie and [kids]2298-kids were threatened . [I]0-i had a gun pointed at [me]0-i for over an hour . [I]0-i throw [my]0-i arm out toward [the barn]1768-the barn . “[0-i] [[My]0-i best fucking mate]1802-my best fucking mate has just been murdered ! [I]0-i stagger back with the force of [my]0-i roar , feeling all control escaping [me]0-i . “[0-i] [You]1802-my best fucking mate better leave [me]0-i alone , [I]0-i warn . “[0-i] Just leave [me]0-i the fuck alone until [you]1802-my best fucking mate can give [me]0-i answers . [I]454-jesse back away to the wall of [the barn]1768-the barn and slump against the wood , lowering [my]454-jesse arse to the dusty gravel before it can fall there . [I]454-jesse sit , fighting to rein [myself]454-jesse in . If [Lauren]1535-lauren were n’t dead already , [I]454-jesse would kill [her]1535-lauren with [my]454-jesse bare hands . It would n’t be quick . It would be long and torturous . [I]454-jesse should have acted earlier . [I]454-jesse should have listened to [my]454-jesse gut and intervened before [John]60-jacob got there . [I]454-jesse look up when [I]454-jesse hear [someone]293-someone shout for space , and see a body bag being stretchered out of [the barn]1768-the barn . The size , the way [the two women]3348-the two women at each end of the stretcher move it with ease , tells [me]454-jesse it ’s [Lauren]1535-lauren in that bag . Then another follows , this one negotiated by [two men]3349-two men . [My]454-jesse bottom lip quivers , [my]454-jesse face falling into [my]454-jesse palms . [I]454-jesse ca n’t watch . It ’s too final . “[454-jesse] [Jesse]454-jesse ! [I]1803-i look up and find [Ava]238-ava scrambling out of [a car]3350-a car , [her]238-ava face frantic . [I]1803-i choke on nothing , bringing [my]1803-i balled fists to [my]1803-i temples and pushing into [my]1803-i skull . [I]1803-i want to go to [her]238-ava , shorten the time it ’ll take for [her]238-ava to make it to [me]1803-i , but [my]1803-i body refuses to function . So [I]1803-i remain on [my]1803-i arse , watching as [she]238-ava runs full pelt across the gravel toward [me]1803-i . [I]1803-i see [her]238-ava catch sight of the body bags . [I]1803-i see the falter in [her]238-ava stride . And when [she]238-ava finally makes it to [me]1803-i , [she]238-ava stops at [my]1803-i feet , looking down at [my]1803-i broken form . [I]1803-i ’m struggling to keep [my]1803-i head up , but now [she]238-ava ’s this close , now [I]1803-i can see [her]238-ava , every perfect detail on [her]238-ava face , [my]1803-i body finds some life and manages to push its way up until [I]1803-i ’m standing . [She]238-ava ’s biting [her]238-ava lip , [her]238-ava eyes brimming . [I]1803-i have nothing for [her]238-ava , only the agonizing news . “[1803-i] [She]1803-i fucking killed [John]60-jacob . [Her]1803-i inhale is sharp , the tears instant . “[1803-i] No , [she]1803-i whispers , looking back to the stretcher . “[1803-i] [I]0-i tried to stop [him]1804-him . [Her]1803-i voice is breaking . “[1803-i] Oh [my]0-i God , [Jesse]454-jesse . [She]1803-i chokes over [her]1803-i words . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m so sorry . [Her]1803-i palms come up to [her]1803-i face , like [she]1803-i ’s hiding , ashamed of [herself]1803-i . [I]0-i snatch them away . “[0-i] Do n’t [you]454-jesse fucking apologize , [I]454-jesse warn , at risk of flying off the handle again . “[454-jesse] Do n’t [you]454-jesse dare , [Ava]238-ava . ” “[238-ava] The app . The trackers on [the cars]751-cars . [I]0-i realized what [you]454-jesse were trying to tell [me]0-i , and then [John]60-jacob showed up and [I]0-i told [him]454-jesse . [He]454-jesse took [my]0-i phone . [I]0-i could n’t stop [him]454-jesse . [I]0-i called [the police from [the house]2056-the house]1806-the police from the house . ” The impact of [her]238-ava body hitting [mine]0-i when [she]238-ava throws [herself]238-ava into [my]0-i arms nearly takes [me]0-i off [my]0-i feet . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m so sorry . [She]238-ava sobs , and [I]0-i shake [my]0-i head into [her]238-ava , holding [her]238-ava as tight as [my]0-i aching shoulder will allow . “[0-i] [I]0-i thought [I]0-i ’d never see [you]1808-you again . [I]0-i thought it was the end of [the road]2159-the road . [I]194-kate hold [her]238-ava tighter . Fuck the pain . It ’s nothing compared to the agony in [my]194-kate heart . “[194-kate] [[Our]1810-our road]2159-the road never ends , [baby]194-kate . [I]194-kate close [my]194-kate eyes and sink [my]194-kate face into [her]238-ava soft neck , searching for the comfort [I]194-kate know [I]194-kate can find . “[194-kate] Never . ” “[0-i] [I]0-i remembered . [Her]238-ava sobs are loud between [her]238-ava words . [She]238-ava ’s not bothering to try to restrain [her]238-ava emotions . [I]0-i ’m glad , because [I]0-i ’m fucked if [I]0-i can . [My]0-i tears are unstoppable , soaking [my]0-i cheeks and [her]238-ava neck . “[0-i] [I]0-i remembered everything . ” “[0-i] [I]0-i know . [I]0-i ’m soul - destroyed that [her]238-ava avalanche of memories was triggered by such a bleak , distressing moment in [our]3351-our history . Absolutely destroyed . There are a million wonderful and pinnacle moments in [our]3351-our lives together . Why did it have to be [Lauren]1535-lauren ? “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m just so sorry it happened like that . [She]1812-her pulls out of [my]1812-her hold , shaking [her]1812-her head mildly . “[1812-her] It was n’t [her]1812-her that triggered it all . ” Reaching for [my]1812-her face , [she]1812-her tenderly feels down [my]1812-her wet cheek . “[1812-her] It was the pure terror in [your]0-i eyes . [I]0-i ’d seen it before . [I]60-jacob choke on [my]60-jacob emotions , dropping [my]60-jacob gaze until [she]1812-her forces [my]60-jacob chin up . “[60-jacob] [John]60-jacob ’s gone , [I]26-maddie choke . [I]26-maddie can barely see [her]1812-her through [my]26-maddie blurry vision . Lip wobbling , [she]1812-her collects [me]26-maddie in [her]1812-her arms and hugs [me]26-maddie with the force and love that [I]26-maddie so need . “[26-maddie] [He]26-maddie would never have let anything hurt [you]0-i , [she]1812-her says , [her]1812-her voice thick . “[26-maddie] [The man]26-maddie was [a fucking warrior]1814-a fucking warrior , and [a stubborn one]1815-a stubborn one , too . [I]26-maddie ca n’t even bring [myself]26-maddie to pull [her]1812-her up on [her]1812-her bad language . “[26-maddie] [He]26-maddie ’s gone because [he]26-maddie knows how much [I]0-i need [you]0-i . How much [the kids]2010-the kids need [you]0-i . [She]1812-her takes [my]26-maddie hand and lays it over [her]1812-her tummy . [I]26-maddie ’m not sure who ’s leaking the most tears now , [her]1812-her or [me]26-maddie . [I]26-maddie furiously wipe at [my]26-maddie face , sniffing back [my]26-maddie sadness . “[26-maddie] [He]26-maddie ’s [[my]0-i hero]26-maddie , too . [She]1812-her takes the top of [my]26-maddie arm and rubs , frowning when [I]26-maddie suck in air . “[26-maddie] What ’s this ? ” “[26-maddie] A graze . [I]26-maddie brush [her]1812-her off , not wanting to worry [her]1812-her . Not that [she]1812-her takes much notice . The short , bloody sleeve of [my]26-maddie T - shirt is thrust up , revealing a tidy hole in [my]26-maddie arm . “[26-maddie] Oh [[my]0-i God]26-maddie ! ” “[26-maddie] It ’s fine . ” Once again [I]238-ava fight [her]1812-her off and once again [she]1812-her wins , slapping [me]238-ava away . “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava , for fuck ’s sake , it ’s fine . Stop flapping . ” “[26-maddie] Have [you]26-maddie had it looked at ? ” “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m in no mood to be poked and pulled about . [She]1812-her snorts , pointing to the paramedic hovering nearby . “[0-i] Now , [Ward]238-ava , or so help [me]0-i . [Her]1812-her expression is fierce as [she]1812-her scrubs at [her]1812-her wet face , and [I]238-ava shrink where [I]238-ava stand , thinking better of arguing back . [I]238-ava do n’t speak , and [I]238-ava also do n’t move , so [Ava]238-ava seizes [my]238-ava hand and all but manhandles [me]238-ava to [the ambulance]381-the ambulance . “[238-ava] Do n’t make [me]0-i hurt [you]26-maddie , [Ward]238-ava . ” Wide - eyed , [I]238-ava let [her]238-ava shove [me]238-ava onto the back of [the ambulance]381-the ambulance and onto a waiting bed . [She]238-ava ’s taking [no prisoners]3353-no prisoners . And through [my]238-ava crippling hurt , anger , and guilt , [I]238-ava manage to locate some gratitude . [[My]238-ava wife]26-maddie is back . All of [her]26-maddie is back , and it ’s back with a fucking bang . Chapter 56 Eight months later Nothing can prepare [you]26-maddie for the loss of [someone]293-someone [you]26-maddie adore with every fiber of [your]26-maddie being . Nor the grief or heartache that accompanies that loss . A big hole has been left in [my]238-ava very existence by the loss of [John]60-jacob , yet [my]238-ava heart is bursting with joyful memories . [He]26-maddie was never far away , always there to pick [me]238-ava up when [I]238-ava fell down . [His]26-maddie life was dedicated to [me]238-ava . To watching over [me]238-ava , to keeping [his]26-maddie promise to [[his]26-maddie best friend]26-maddie . [John]60-jacob was [a good man]60-jacob , the best , and no matter how [I]238-ava try to angle [my]238-ava thoughts , [he]26-maddie did n’t deserve to go . It was n’t [his]26-maddie time . [Lauren]1535-lauren , however , needed to die . That may sound sadistic . Maybe it is . But all [I]238-ava ’ve wondered is how draining and damaging it must have been to live with so many demons . The reality is , [I]238-ava ca n’t . [I]238-ava ’ve been in some pretty dark places . Have wanted to give up . But [the victim]3356-the victim in [my]238-ava journey through self - destruction was [me]238-ava and [me]238-ava alone . [I]238-ava never set out to hurt [anyone]305-anyone . [I]238-ava never wanted revenge . All [I]238-ava really wanted was inner peace . As [I]238-ava sit on the steps in [the garden]2075-the garden , [I]238-ava watch [Ava]238-ava negotiate [her]238-ava pregnant belly to dip and pick up the hose . And [I]238-ava think for the first time in [my]238-ava existence , [I]238-ava really do have that peace . It ’s a blanket around [me]238-ava , warm and secure . It defies reason , really . More trauma and stress have been stirred into [our]3359-we already overflowing pot of shit , yet now [I]238-ava feel almost tranquil . Initially , after [we]3359-we walked away from [that barn]3360-that barn , [I]238-ava wondered how [we]3359-we would ever get over what had happened . The elation of [Ava]238-ava finding [her]238-ava memories was saddened by the loss of [John]60-jacob . [I]238-ava got [myself]238-ava in a state over [the twins]2012-the twins , what [they]2012-the twins saw , what [they]2012-the twins heard . It was only when [we]3359-we sat down with [a family therapist]3362-a family therapist at the suggestion of [the liaison officer that [I]238-ava]3362-a family therapist really realized that [[my]238-ava babies]216-my babies truly were n’t babies anymore . Not with [their]216-my babies level heads , [their]216-my babies matter - of - fact approach . [I]238-ava ’d underestimated [them]216-my babies at every turn . Tried to keep them wrapped up in cotton wool and protected from [the world]2163-the world . [I]238-ava failed . [My]238-ava past caught up with [me]238-ava again , but [the twins]2012-the twins looked at [me]238-ava that day , square in the eye , and told [me]238-ava that [they]2012-the twins were proud of [me]238-ava . Not ashamed like [I]238-ava feared [they]2012-the twins would be . [They]2012-the twins were proud of [me]238-ava . [I]238-ava broke down , did n’t even try not to . [I]238-ava ’m human . [I]238-ava ’m [a dad]454-jesse . [A husband]454-jesse . [[My]238-ava family]358-my family is both [my]238-ava biggest weakness and [my]238-ava greatest strength . [I]238-ava live and breathe for [them]358-my family , and that will never change . Until the day [I]238-ava die , it will always be about [them]358-my family . [I]238-ava look over [my]238-ava shoulder when [I]238-ava hear [Maddie]26-maddie talking , seeing [her]26-maddie wandering back into [the house]2056-the house with [her]26-maddie phone to [her]26-maddie ear . [She]26-maddie ’s talking to [some boy]3368-some boy . [My]238-ava instinct is to go after [her]26-maddie , to confiscate that fucking phone . But [I]238-ava wisely stay on [my]238-ava arse where [I]238-ava ’m safe from [[my]238-ava wife]26-maddie ’s wrath . [Maddie]26-maddie ’s twelve . How serious can it be ? [I]238-ava growl at [her]26-maddie back and shake [my]238-ava head , returning [my]238-ava attention to [the garden]2075-the garden before [I]238-ava change [my]238-ava mind and go trample [her]26-maddie arse . [Jacob]60-jacob ’s in the distance smacking tennis balls over the net , practicing [his]60-jacob serve . [Me]238-ava ? [I]238-ava have a beer in [my]238-ava hand just listening to the therapeutic sounds of [[my]238-ava wife]26-maddie and babies mooching about [[our]3370-our home]2274-here . This is heaven . This is [Ava]238-ava ’s cloud nine . This is where [I]238-ava am supposed to be , and once again , [the Fates]3096-the fates have brought [me]238-ava [here]2274-here . [I]238-ava want to argue with [them]3096-the fates this time , though . Ask [them]3096-the fates why [I]238-ava ca n’t have [John]60-jacob here , too . But that would be wasted breath . And [John]60-jacob would say something along the lines of “[238-ava] Get a fucking grip , [[you]1817-you stupid motherfucker]360-you stupid motherfucker . [I]238-ava smile , breathing back [my]238-ava unrelenting sadness . Sadness [I]238-ava know [he]360-you stupid motherfucker ’d be furious at [me]238-ava for spending too much time on . [John]60-jacob can go fuck [himself]360-you stupid motherfucker . [I]238-ava actually laugh out loud at [my]238-ava bravery for even thinking it . [I]238-ava would never have said that to [him]360-you stupid motherfucker if [he]360-you stupid motherfucker were standing [here]2274-here before [me]238-ava . Yet [I]238-ava wish [I]238-ava could . [I]238-ava wish [I]238-ava could curse [his]360-you stupid motherfucker arse off to [his]360-you stupid motherfucker face , and [I]238-ava would welcome the thump to [my]238-ava jaw from [his]360-you stupid motherfucker big hard fist . “[238-ava] What ’s so funny ? [Ava]238-ava swishes the spray from the hose over the flowerbeds , eyeing [me]238-ava with a curious smile . “[238-ava] Just thinking . [I]238-ava push [myself]238-ava to [my]238-ava feet and wander across [the lawn]2079-the lawn to [her]238-ava , [my]238-ava gaze taking constant up - and - down trips over [her]238-ava beautiful form . [God]373-god love [her]238-ava , [she]238-ava looks fit to burst . [We]3375-we ’re nearly two weeks overdue now , with no signs of [baby making an appearance]3376-baby making an appearance . [I]238-ava reach [her]238-ava and push [my]238-ava chest into [her]238-ava back , circling [her]238-ava tummy with [my]238-ava arms . [My]238-ava hands meet on the front of [her]238-ava pregnant belly with ease , though [I]238-ava still tease [her]238-ava . “[238-ava] Only just . [I]238-ava smile into [her]238-ava neck when [she]238-ava thrusts [her]238-ava bottom into [my]238-ava groin . “[238-ava] Do n’t do silly things like that . ” Closeness to [this woman]238-ava always stirs [my]238-ava cock , but contact renders it concrete . That ’ll never change . “[238-ava] Why , [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward , there ’s something poking into [my]0-i back . [She]238-ava chuckles as [she]238-ava continues to drench the flowerbeds . “[57-mr. ward] Maybe [I]0-i could fuck [this baby]2778-this baby out of [you]57-mr. ward , [I]0-i muse , thoughtful . “[0-i] [You]57-mr. ward ’ve made it too comfortable in there . ” “[57-mr. ward] [We]1820-we ’ve had sex twice a day every day for the past two weeks . Not even [your]57-mr. ward penis coming at it head - on is making it want to come out of hiding . ” Dropping the hose as [I]2778-this baby laugh , [she]238-ava turns in [my]2778-this baby arms , [her]238-ava belly now wedged between [us]1820-we . [I]2778-this baby look down fondly . Yes , [she]238-ava ’s certainly carrying big , but nothing in comparison to when [she]238-ava was expecting [the twins]2012-the twins . Laying [my]2778-this baby palms on the top , [I]2778-this baby stroke and feel , [my]2778-this baby heart swelling with happiness when [the baby]2508-the baby kicks against [my]2778-this baby right hand . “[2778-this baby] [He]2778-this baby ’s having a party in there . Clearly [he]2778-this baby ’s got [[his]2778-this baby dad]2778-this baby ’s talented dance moves . [Ava]238-ava ’s hands land over [mine]2778-this baby , and [we]1822-we feel together . “[2778-this baby] [You]1821-you keep saying [he]2778-this baby . [We]1822-we do n’t know what the sex of [Peanut Junior]163-peanut junior is yet . ” “[2042-a boy] It ’s [a boy]2042-a boy , [I]60-jacob assure [her]238-ava . It has to be . [I]60-jacob ’ve managed to hold on to [my]60-jacob hair for this long . [A girl]2026-a girl might change that . “[60-jacob] [Jacob]60-jacob and [I]0-i ca n’t be outnumbered . ” “[60-jacob] But [Maddie]26-maddie and [I]0-i can ? ” “[26-maddie] [[You]1821-you two]1824-you two have enough spunk between [you]1821-you for [us]1824-you two to have [ten more boys]1825-ten more boys and still be out - spunked . [I]2042-a boy shift [my]2042-a boy hands and take [hers]238-ava , bringing them to [my]2042-a boy mouth and kissing each knuckle in turn , each and every one . [She]238-ava ’s beaming at [me]2042-a boy , [her]238-ava smile so strong with happiness [I]2042-a boy feel it warm [my]2042-a boy face . “[2042-a boy] It ’s [a boy]2042-a boy , [I]2042-a boy affirm . “[2042-a boy] Whatever [you]1821-you say , [[my]0-i Lord]26-maddie . [She]238-ava turns away from [me]1821-you and brings [my]1821-you hands back around [her]238-ava tummy , holding them there as [she]238-ava starts waddling across the grass . [I]1821-you follow [her]238-ava steps , [my]1821-you chin resting atop [her]238-ava head . “[1821-you] Let ’s mooch . ” “[164-mooch] [Mooch]164-mooch away , [I]164-mooch reply , letting [her]238-ava lead the way to the bottom of [the lawn]2075-the garden where [we]3381-we pick up [the gravel path]3382-the gravel path through the flowerbeds that leads to the bench swing hidden at the bottom of [the garden]2075-the garden . The air is cool , but not quite cold , yet the sun could be blazing down from the sky . [I]164-mooch ’m toasty warm , contented , calm , and serene . And all of that is being absorbed by [[my]164-mooch wife]26-maddie . A beautiful air of peace has surrounded [her]26-maddie throughout this pregnancy . [I]164-mooch ’ve admired it daily as [I]164-mooch ’ve watched [her]26-maddie , whether at [home]201-home or at the club . [She]26-maddie ’s been back to work and [I]164-mooch ’ve made sure [I]164-mooch ’ve let [her]26-maddie get on with it , though [I]164-mooch ’ve never been truly far . Just far enough for [her]26-maddie not to feel crowded , but close enough to sate [my]164-mooch need for constant contact , even if that contact is just [my]164-mooch eyes looking at [her]26-maddie . This pregnancy has been an entirely different experience for [me]164-mooch . [I]164-mooch ’ve not stressed , not faffed , not driven [her]26-maddie up the wall with [my]164-mooch neurotic worry . And [she]26-maddie has n’t played [me]164-mooch or used that worry as a tool to wind [me]164-mooch up . There has been no faking labor to send [me]164-mooch into meltdown . Probably because [she]26-maddie knows that this time there will be no meltdown . After all , [I]164-mooch ’m a pro now . [I]164-mooch ’ve got this . As [we]3385-we walk , [I]164-mooch notice [her]26-maddie leaning back on [me]164-mooch more and more , [her]26-maddie body getting tired . “[164-mooch] Rest ? [Her]26-maddie sigh is heavy . [She]26-maddie ’s truly fed up now , but as [I]194-kate ’ve told [her]26-maddie time and again , these things ca n’t be rushed . [He]26-maddie ’ll come when [he]26-maddie ’s ready . Helping [her]26-maddie down onto the cushion on the bench , [I]194-kate take a seat beside [her]26-maddie and push [my]194-kate feet into the ground , swinging [us]3385-we back and releasing . [We]3385-we rock smoothly , [Ava]238-ava ’s head resting on [my]194-kate shoulder . “[194-kate] [Kate]194-kate ’s bringing a vindaloo around later . ” “[194-kate] Another ? [I]194-kate relax back . “[194-kate] [That baby]194-kate will come out expecting a curry instead of [your]194-kate boob . [She]26-maddie chuckles , and quickly flinches as [she]26-maddie does , [her]26-maddie hand going to [her]26-maddie tummy and rubbing . “[194-kate] Okay ? [I]194-kate ask softly , placing [my]194-kate hand over [hers]26-maddie . “[194-kate] Just a twinge . ” Pulling [her]26-maddie head from [my]194-kate shoulder , [she]26-maddie gazes up at [me]194-kate . [Her]26-maddie lips twitch , [her]26-maddie eyes glimmer . [I]194-kate know what ’s running through that wonderful mind of [hers]26-maddie . Though [I]194-kate humor [her]26-maddie . “[194-kate] What ’s tickled [you]194-kate ? ” “[194-kate] Twelve years ago , [you]194-kate would have crapped [your]194-kate boxers at a twinge . [I]194-kate shrug , nonchalant . “[194-kate] [We]1828-we ’re experts now . After [the twins]2012-the twins , this is a breeze , right ? ” A sharp puff of laughter fans [my]2012-the twins face . “[2012-the twins] A breeze ? Speak for [yourself]194-kate , [Jesse]454-jesse . [You]194-kate ’re not the one pushing what feels like — ” “[194-kate] A flaming watermelon out of [my]0-i fanny . [I]0-i ’ve heard [her]26-maddie cute analogy a few hundred times . “[0-i] [I]0-i know . ” Turning into [her]26-maddie , [I]0-i pout playfully as [I]0-i cup [her]26-maddie boobs , circling [my]0-i thumbs over [her]26-maddie nipples until [they]3386-they pebble . “[0-i] Tonight [you]194-kate ’re going to let [me]0-i ram [my]0-i deprived cock inside that sweet pussy of [yours]1830-yours and stretch it in preparation . [Her]26-maddie grin is thrilling . And wanting . And lustful . That ’s one of the few things that has n’t been different this time around . [Her]26-maddie unrelenting craving for all things [me]0-i . Thank God , because that would be a tragic loss . “[0-i] [You]194-kate ’re so selfless . ” “[194-kate] Anything for [you]194-kate , [baby]194-kate . [I]194-kate lean in over [her]26-maddie belly and rest [my]194-kate lips on [hers]26-maddie . The usual sparks of magic happen inside [me]194-kate , [my]194-kate heart thrumming wildly . “[194-kate] Deprived cock ? ” “[194-kate] Yes , deprived . Only a minute after leaving the snug warmth of that special place [my]0-i dick feels lonely . ” It ’s no lie . “[194-kate] [You]194-kate going to challenge [me]0-i ? ” “[194-kate] Would n’t dream of it . [Her]26-maddie smile lays on [mine]194-kate as [my]194-kate hands feel the delicious weight of [her]26-maddie amazing boobs . “[194-kate] Besides , [I]0-i have to take all [I]0-i can get because [you]194-kate ’re going to be out of service for a while . ” “[194-kate] [You]194-kate poor thing . ” A rustling from beyond the bushes has [me]194-kate pulling away quickly , scanning [the area]535-the area . [I]194-kate cock [my]194-kate eyebrow at [Ava]238-ava , who indicates to the left with a nod of [her]238-ava head . “[194-kate] [I]0-i can see [you]194-kate , [I]0-i call , getting comfortable and rocking the bench again when [I]0-i realize it ’s stopped . Two heads pop out of the hedge , grinning . “[0-i] Neither of [you]194-kate would make [stealth ninjas]1831-stealth ninjas . ” “[0-i] [We]1832-we were gon na jump out and scare [you]194-kate , [Jacob]60-jacob declares , breaking free from the branches and twigs , pulling a few leaves from [his]60-jacob blond mop . “[1832-we] [We]1832-we ’re fed up of waiting for [Peanut Junior]163-peanut junior . [He]60-jacob offers [Maddie]26-maddie a helping hand when [her]26-maddie blouse gets caught up . “[1832-we] [You]194-kate ’re fed up ? [Ava]238-ava laughs . “[1832-we] Try carrying this thing around with [you]194-kate for nine months . ” “[1832-we] Do n’t be dramatic , [I]1832-we quip , patting the bench next to [me]1832-we for [Maddie]26-maddie to come sit . “[1832-we] It ’s not been that big the whole time . [Maddie]26-maddie giggles as [she]32-mum jumps onto the bench and snuggles into [my]1256-dad side , [Jacob]60-jacob taking the side next to [Ava]238-ava . “[1256-dad] [Dad]1256-dad , seriously . Do [you]194-kate want [Mum]32-mum to hurt [you]194-kate ? ” “[32-mum] [She]32-mum ’d have to catch [me]0-i first , and that ai n’t happening when [she]32-mum ’s in that condition . [I]32-mum put an arm around each of [[my]32-mum girls]3388-my girls , looking across to [Jacob]60-jacob . [His]60-jacob head is lying on [Ava]238-ava ’s stomach , [his]60-jacob ear pushed close . [Ava]238-ava ’s hands start threading through [his]60-jacob blond hair , stroking while [he]60-jacob listens . [We]612-all of us settle and swing for a while , [all of [us]612-all of us]612-all of us quiet and relaxed , legs swinging freely , heads resting on various shoulders . [I]32-mum could stay here all night , but it ’s getting chilly and [Sam]50-sam will be [here]2274-here soon with [[his]50-sam girls]3388-my girls , as well as [Drew]53-drew with [his]50-sam . [I]32-mum smile . [Raya]54-raya gave birth only last week to [a little girl]2272-a little girl , [Imogen]165-imogen , bang on time . [All these girls]3388-my girls ; by the rule of probability , [Ava]238-ava has to have [a boy]240-my boy in there . [I]32-mum pray [she]238-ava has [a boy]240-my boy in there . “[32-mum] Come on , it ’s getting cold . [I]32-mum nod to [Ava]238-ava ’s nipples on a smirk , and [she]238-ava rolls [her]238-ava eyes . “[32-mum] [The gang]984-the gang will be [here]2274-here soon . [Jacob]60-jacob is first off the bench , helping a puffing [Ava]238-ava to [her]238-ava feet . “[984-the gang] Thank [you]32-mum , [darling]32-mum . [Her]238-ava arm goes around [his]32-mum shoulders as [they]984-the gang start back to [the house]2056-the house together . [[My]32-mum boy]240-my boy . [[My]32-mum gorgeous , [sweet , thoughtful boy]240-my boy]240-my boy . [He]240-my boy ’s overtaken [Maddie]26-maddie in height now , clearing [her]26-maddie by a good few inches . [He]240-my boy ’s not far off [Ava]238-ava . [I]32-mum feel the sleeve of [my]32-mum T - shirt lift and look out the corner of [my]32-mum eye to see [Maddie]26-maddie inspecting the scar left behind . Though [she]26-maddie does n’t look sad these days when [she]26-maddie ’s feeding [her]26-maddie need to see it at least once a day . These days , [she]26-maddie smiles . “[32-mum] Did [your]1836-you life flash before [your]1836-you eyes , [Dad]1256-dad ? [I]1256-dad laugh and dip , hoisting [her]26-maddie up over [my]1256-dad shoulder and following on after [Jacob]60-jacob and [Ava]238-ava . The sweet sound of [[my]1256-dad girl]238-ava ’s squeal fills [my]1256-dad ears . “[1256-dad] Yes , and do [you]1836-you know what [I]0-i thought ? ” “[0-i] What did [you]1836-you think ? [she]26-maddie asks , bouncing upon [my]1836-you shoulder in time to [my]1836-you strides . “[1836-you] [I]0-i thought about how much [I]0-i ’d miss [your]1836-you sass . ” “[1836-you] No [you]1836-you did n’t , [she]26-maddie laughs , slapping [my]1836-you back . “[1836-you] Hey , [Dad]1256-dad . Can [I]0-i go to [the cinema on Friday with [Robbie]166-robbie]1837-the cinema on friday with robbie ? [Robbie]166-robbie . So that ’s the flavor of the month . “[166-robbie] Sure [you]1836-you can . [I]166-robbie set [her]26-maddie on [her]26-maddie feet when [we]1838-we make it to [the house]2056-the house , leaving [her]26-maddie behind as [I]166-robbie follow [Ava]238-ava and [Jacob]60-jacob . “[166-robbie] What are [we]1838-we watching ? [I]1836-you call behind [me]1836-you . “[1836-you] [You]1836-you ’re hilarious . [Her]26-maddie exasperation makes [me]1836-you chuckle as [I]1836-you open the fridge and pull out some Sun - [Pat]35-sun - pat . But that chuckle fades to nothing when it ’s swiped from [my]1836-you hand . “[1836-you] Hey ! [Ava]238-ava grins and sashays as best [she]238-ava can to a stool , finger - dipping [my]1836-you jar as [she]238-ava clambers onto the seat . “[1836-you] What ’s [yours]1839-i is [mine]1839-i , [she]238-ava declares , popping a delicious - looking finger into [her]238-ava mouth and making an over - the - top job of licking it clean . [I]1839-i hear [the kids]2010-the kids laugh as [I]1839-i sulk at [[my]1839-i wife]26-maddie , wondering why , of all the things [she]26-maddie could crave , it has to be [my]1839-i pots of heaven . Sharing [my]1839-i vice is no joke . [I]1839-i ’ve only just got to grips with [Jacob]60-jacob pinching [my]1839-i passion . “[1839-i] Share , [I]1839-i order , taking [myself]1839-i swiftly across [the kitchen]228-the kitchen and joining [her]26-maddie on the next stool , [my]1839-i mouth dropping open . [I]1839-i may even be dribbling . Humming , [she]26-maddie scoops out a huge dollop and holds it out to [me]1839-i . This part of the sharing process [I]1839-i do n’t mind at all . [My]1839-i mouth watering , [I]1839-i move in to claim [her]26-maddie finger . But [she]26-maddie quickly diverts to [her]26-maddie own mouth , lapping it up quickly on a satisfied smile and sparkly eyes . [I]1839-i recoil , disgusted by [her]26-maddie game , though [the kids]2010-the kids seem to think it ’s hilarious . Only one word comes to mind . “[1839-i] Three , [I]1839-i practically snarl , widening [her]26-maddie grin . “[1839-i] Oh boy , [Jacob]60-jacob sighs , collecting some juice from the fridge . “[32-mum] [Mum]32-mum , will [you]32-mum ever learn ? ” “[32-mum] Do n’t mess with the peanut butter , [Maddie]26-maddie adds , resting [her]26-maddie elbows on the counter and settling in for the show . “[32-mum] [You]32-mum ’ll pay , and [your]32-mum bladder is n’t as strong these days . [I]32-mum laugh on the inside when [Ava]238-ava tosses [her]238-ava an indignant look , [her]238-ava finger hanging out of [her]238-ava mouth . “[32-mum] Stay out of it , sassy - pants . [Maddie]26-maddie shrugs [her]238-ava shoulders , chin resting in the palms of [her]238-ava hands . “[32-mum] [I]0-i ’m [[my]0-i mother]32-mum ’s daughter . Ask [Dad]1256-dad . [She]32-mum is n’t wrong . “[1256-dad] Two , [I]1256-dad say , turning back to [Ava]238-ava , [my]1256-dad eyebrows high . “[1256-dad] There ’s nothing wrong with [my]0-i bladder . [She]32-mum takes another huge helping of the good stuff , [her]32-mum nose high . “[1256-dad] And if there is , it ’s [your]32-mum fault . [She]32-mum nods at [the kids]2010-the kids in turn . “[1256-dad] One . [I]0-i start drumming [my]0-i fingers , all casual and cool , appearing tired of the light banter . [I]0-i ’m not tired at all . These moments , the simple moments , are some of [my]0-i favorite family times . “[0-i] [Mine]0-i , [Ava]238-ava whispers , plunging in [her]238-ava finger again and holding it up in demonstration before lapping it clean . “[238-ava] Get [your]32-mum own , [Ward]238-ava . ” “[238-ava] Zero , [baby]194-kate . [I]194-kate ’m off the stool in a flash , [my]194-kate fingertips homing straight in on [Ava]238-ava ’s weak spots . “[194-kate] No ! ” The jar is quickly cast aside in favor of [my]194-kate arms . “[194-kate] [You]32-mum asked for it , [Maddie]26-maddie sings , going on [her]26-maddie way and leaving [us]3400-us to it . “[32-mum] Do n’t pee [yourself]32-mum . ” “[32-mum] Whose is the peanut butter ? [I]32-mum ask in [her]26-maddie ear , handling [her]26-maddie gently but firmly . “[32-mum] Just say the words , [baby]194-kate , and [I]0-i ’ll stop . ” “[194-kate] Never ! [She]26-maddie laughs , fighting [my]194-kate hands away with little success . “[194-kate] Ohhhhh … [My]1841-a twinge torturing fingers stop . That was n’t a regular sound that [I]1841-a twinge hear when [I]1841-a twinge ’m tickling [her]26-maddie stupid . [I]1841-a twinge release [her]26-maddie in a heartbeat , scanning [her]26-maddie up and down . “[1841-a twinge] [A twinge]1841-a twinge ? [Jacob]60-jacob ’s by [my]1841-a twinge side quickly , and [Maddie]26-maddie ’s not far behind . [Ava]238-ava stills while [we]3401-our all wait with bated breath for [her]238-ava conclusion , [her]238-ava eyes focused on [her]238-ava bump as [she]238-ava drops to [her]238-ava feet from the stool . “[1841-a twinge] Yeah , [I]0-i think … oh [my]0-i FUUUUCK ! [She]238-ava doubles over and screams , forcing all of [us]3401-our to cover [our]3401-our ears or burst [our]3401-our drums . “[0-i] Sorry , [kids]2298-kids , [she]238-ava adds , starting to pant . “[2298-kids] Bloody hell ! [Maddie]26-maddie starts running circles around [the kitchen]228-the kitchen in a panic . “[163-peanut junior] [Peanut Junior]163-peanut junior is coming ! ” “[163-peanut junior] Shit ! [Jacob]60-jacob yells . [My]163-peanut junior head could pop off [my]163-peanut junior neck . What ’s with all this fucking bad language ? “[163-peanut junior] Will [everyone]283-everyone watch [their]283-everyone mouths ! [I]163-peanut junior yell , taking [Ava]238-ava ’s elbow . “[163-peanut junior] But [the baby]2508-the baby ’s coming ! [Maddie]26-maddie shouts , still doing panicked laps of [the kitchen]228-the kitchen . “[163-peanut junior] Call [an ambulance]2167-an ambulance . [The doctor]2188-the doctor . [Anyone]305-anyone ! ” “[1848-it] [It]1848-it ’s coming ! [Jacob]60-jacob covers [his]60-jacob face with [his]60-jacob palms . “[1848-it] It ’s because [you]1849-you tickled [her]1848-it ! [Christ]26-maddie , [everyone]283-everyone needs to calm the hell down . [I]1848-it take a deep breath . “[1848-it] Do n’t worry , [kids]2298-kids , [I]2298-kids say calmly . “[2298-kids] [Dad]1256-dad ’s got this . ” Am [I]26-maddie telling [them]2298-kids , or [myself]26-maddie ? “[26-maddie] [Maddie]26-maddie , [you]1849-you get [Mum]32-mum ’s bag . [Jacob]60-jacob , [you]1849-you get [my]0-i mobile so [I]0-i can call [the hospital]384-the hospital and tell [them]2298-kids [we]1852-we ’re on [our]1852-we way . [We]1852-we all flinch when [Ava]238-ava lets out another almighty , bloodcurdling scream , grabbing onto [me]238-ava with both hands , [her]238-ava nails puncturing [my]238-ava forearms . “[238-ava] Fucking hell , [Ava]238-ava , [I]238-ava hiss , prying [her]238-ava buried claws one by one out of [my]238-ava flesh . “[238-ava] Sorry , [kids]2010-the kids . ” “[2010-the kids] Does that hurt , [Ward]238-ava ? [she]238-ava pants , bending , starting to sweat . “[238-ava] Just a bit . [I]238-ava play it down . [I]238-ava should n’t have . [She]238-ava sinks [her]238-ava nails into [me]238-ava again on an evil look . “[238-ava] Good . [Jesus]26-maddie , [she]238-ava ’s turning into a psycho . [I]238-ava watch [the kids]2010-the kids fly out of [the kitchen]228-the kitchen to fulfill [their]2010-the kids orders , and realign [my]238-ava focus on [Ava]238-ava . “[238-ava] [You]238-ava want to sit . ” “[238-ava] No ! ” “[238-ava] [You]238-ava want to stand , then ? ” “[238-ava] No ! ” “[238-ava] Right . [I]238-ava roll [my]238-ava eyes , accepting [my]238-ava mobile when [Jacob]60-jacob thrusts it at [me]238-ava . “[238-ava] [You]238-ava okay , [Mum]32-mum ? ” “[32-mum] Yes , [darling]32-mum . [She]32-mum reaches blindly for [his]60-jacob head and gives it a loving , reassuring pat . “[32-mum] [I]0-i love [you]32-mum . [I]32-mum recoil , shaking [my]32-mum head in wonder . So [she]32-mum ’s just [a psycho bitch with [me]32-mum]3405-a psycho bitch with me , then ? Dialing [the hospital]384-the hospital , [I]32-mum keep hold of [Ava]238-ava as [she]32-mum moans , constantly cursing [me]32-mum and apologizing to [the kids]2010-the kids . “[32-mum] Hi , [[my]0-i wife]32-mum ’s gone into labor . [Ava Ward]238-ava . [I]238-ava watch [Ava]238-ava ’s face turns bright red . “[238-ava] [We]1854-we ’ll be around half hour . [Her]238-ava nostrils start to flare . “[1854-we] Yeah , great . Bye . [I]1854-we hang up and hand the phone to [Jacob]60-jacob . “[1854-we] Call [Nan]26-maddie and tell [her]26-maddie to get [her]26-maddie arse here quick . ” “[26-maddie] [We]1854-we ca n’t come ? [He]163-peanut junior looks totally put out . “[0-i] Trust [me]0-i , [mate]0-i . [You]0-i do n’t want to be anywhere near [[your]0-i mother]32-mum while [she]32-mum ’s pushing [Peanut Junior]163-peanut junior out . ” “[163-peanut junior] [I]0-i ’d rather [him]163-peanut junior than [you]0-i , [Ava]238-ava spits , going into another scream , grappling at [my]0-i arms . “[0-i] There ’s no need for that now , is there ? [I]163-peanut junior sound so condescending , but other than dishing out a Retribution Fuck , which is off the cards right now , [I]163-peanut junior have no other option but to humor [her]32-mum . “[163-peanut junior] It ’s [your]0-i body who rejected the pill . [She]32-mum ’s not slapping this on [me]1256-dad . No way . “[1256-dad] Really , [Dad]1256-dad ? [Maddie]26-maddie smacks [my]1256-dad arm . “[1256-dad] [You]0-i ’re gon na say that to [her]32-mum when [she]32-mum ’s in labor ? ” So it ’s gang up on [Dad]1256-dad day ? Has it escaped [everyone]283-everyone ’s notice that [I]60-jacob ’m the only calm one around here ? “[60-jacob] [Jacob]60-jacob , call [[your]0-i nan]1855-your nan , [I]26-maddie order , this time less calmly . [Ava]238-ava ’s contractions have come on fast , and there ’s not much space between [them]283-everyone . [I]26-maddie pull [Ava]238-ava ’s hair from [her]238-ava damp face and indicate for [Maddie]26-maddie to tie it up with the hairband on [her]238-ava wrist as [Jacob]60-jacob dials [Elizabeth]424-elizabeth . “[26-maddie] [Nan]26-maddie , it ’s [Jacob]60-jacob . [He]60-jacob dances on the spot , eyes on [[his]60-jacob mother]424-elizabeth . “[60-jacob] [Mum]32-mum ’s in labor . [Dad]1256-dad said get [your]0-i arse here now . [I]1256-dad hear [[my]1256-dad mother]424-elizabeth - in - law ’s screech of joy . “[1256-dad] Tell [her]32-mum to hurry , [I]26-maddie call . “[26-maddie] Hurry , [Nan]26-maddie ! [he]60-jacob shouts , hanging up and stuffing [my]0-i phone in [my]0-i pocket for [me]0-i . “[0-i] [I]0-i love [you]26-maddie , [Ava]238-ava tells [Maddie]26-maddie while [she]32-mum secures the tie , feeling at [her]32-mum startled face . “[26-maddie] [You]26-maddie ’re beautiful , smart , and sassy , and [I]0-i love [you]26-maddie . ” “[26-maddie] Love [you]26-maddie , too , [Mum]32-mum . ” If [she]32-mum was n’t in labor , [I]26-maddie would think [Ava]238-ava was drunk . What ’s gotten into [her]32-mum ? It ’s a stupid question . [I]26-maddie know what . It ’s that whole replacement thing . “[26-maddie] Come on , [lady]26-maddie , [I]26-maddie say , breaking up [their]3409-their moment . “[26-maddie] Let ’s get [you]26-maddie to [the car]2161-the car . [Her]32-mum answer is an epic scream , [her]32-mum body unmoving when it solidifies in a natural attempt to stem the pain . “[26-maddie] Oh [my]0-i fucking God ! [Pant]167-pant , pant , pant . “[2298-kids] Sorry , [kids]2298-kids . [She]32-mum fists the front of [my]2298-kids T - shirt and hauls [me]2298-kids forward with a power [Wonder Woman]168-wonder woman would be envious of . [Her]32-mum eyes are wild . “[2298-kids] [This baby]2778-this baby is coming out now , [Ward]238-ava . ” Yet another scream pierces the air immediately after [her]32-mum statement . And following that , [my]238-ava panic . “[238-ava] What ? ” No . No , no , no . “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava , [we]1859-we just need to get [you]238-ava in [the car]2161-the car and [I]0-i ’ll have [you]238-ava at [the hospital]384-the hospital in no time at all . [She]32-mum starts to fold to the floor , moaning on [her]32-mum way down . [I]0-i have no choice but to scoop [her]32-mum up and carry [her]32-mum through to [the lounge]708-the lounge where it ’s more comfortable . “[0-i] There is no time , [she]32-mum wails as [I]0-i lay [her]32-mum on the couch . “[0-i] Not on the couch ! It ’ll be ruined . ” “[0-i] For fuck ’s sake . [I]2298-kids ca n’t help it . “[2298-kids] Sorry , [kids]2298-kids . [I]60-jacob lay [her]32-mum on the carpet and get [her]32-mum head comfy on a pillow . “[60-jacob] [Baby]60-jacob , [I]0-i need to get [you]238-ava to [the hospital]384-the hospital . [She]32-mum shakes [her]32-mum head . “[60-jacob] It ’s coming . ” “[60-jacob] [Jacob]60-jacob , [Maddie]26-maddie , hold [[your]26-maddie mum]513-your mum ’s hand , [I]26-maddie order , sending [them]513-your mum to the top end . Once [they]513-your mum ’re in position , [I]26-maddie reach under [Ava]238-ava ’s long skirt and pull [her]238-ava knickers down ; the material is drenched . “[26-maddie] [I]0-i ’m just going to check what ’s going on down there , [I]0-i tell [her]238-ava , to appease [Ava]238-ava more than [myself]0-i . “[0-i] Then [we]1863-we ’ll get [you]238-ava to [the hospital]384-the hospital . [I]0-i help [her]238-ava legs to bend , ensuring [I]0-i keep [her]238-ava covered as best [I]0-i can as [the kids]2010-the kids look on . “[0-i] [I]0-i need to push , [she]238-ava pants . “[0-i] [You]238-ava do not need to push , [I]238-ava assure [her]238-ava as [I]238-ava take a peek between [her]238-ava legs . It ’s way too soon . “[238-ava] Oh , fuck ! [I]238-ava blurt , seeing the crown of a head breaching [her]238-ava vagina . “[238-ava] Shit , [Ava]238-ava ! ” “[238-ava] [I]0-i fucking told [you]238-ava [I]0-i need to push ! ” “[1256-dad] [Dad]1256-dad ? [Jacob]60-jacob ’s unsure voice lifts [my]26-maddie hollow head , and [I]26-maddie find two sets of very worried eyes . This was n’t part of the plan . [They]3412-they ’re panicking . [I]26-maddie need to take control . “[26-maddie] [Maddie]26-maddie , go get towels and a cool flannel . [Jacob]60-jacob , [I]0-i want [you]238-ava to get the duvet off [our]1864-our bed and open the front door . [I]238-ava grab [my]238-ava phone as [they]3412-they shoot off like obedient bullets . “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava , [baby]238-ava , no pushing yet , okay ? [I]238-ava dial for [an ambulance]2167-an ambulance as [she]364-your wife nods , blowing out short , sharp shots of breath . “[238-ava] [I]0-i need [an ambulance]2167-an ambulance . [[My]0-i wife]364-your wife is in labor , and [she]364-your wife most definitely is n’t going to hold out until [I]0-i can get [her]364-your wife to [the hospital]384-the hospital . ” “[364-your wife] What ’s [[your]238-ava wife]364-your wife ’s name , [sir]238-ava ? ” “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava . [Ava Ward]238-ava . ” “[238-ava] And [your]238-ava address ? [I]2508-the baby reel it off as [the kids]2012-the twins dart into [the lounge]708-the lounge simultaneously , both [their]2012-the twins arms full of [my]2508-the baby requests . “[2508-the baby] [The baby]2508-the baby ’s head is crowning , [I]2508-the baby tell [the operator]3415-the operator , trying to push back the urgency [I]2508-the baby ’m feeling and remain calm for [Ava]238-ava . [She]238-ava ’s huffing and puffing , cheeks blowing out , eyes clenching shut . “[2508-the baby] Okay , [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward , first things first , do n’t panic . [I]57-mr. ward laugh . If [she]238-ava ’d said that to [me]57-mr. ward when [Ava]238-ava ’s water broke with [the twins]2012-the twins , [I]57-mr. ward would have verbally ripped [her]238-ava head off . “[57-mr. ward] [I]0-i ’m not panicking , [I]0-i assure [her]238-ava coolly . “[0-i] But [I]0-i am going to need [someone]293-someone to walk [me]0-i through this . [I]0-i take another quick peek under [Ava]238-ava ’s dress . “[0-i] This chap is in a rush . ” Fucking hell , [he]57-mr. ward ’s stalled making [his]57-mr. ward entrance , and now [he]57-mr. ward ’s decided [he]57-mr. ward ’s got jet propellers in [his]57-mr. ward feet . [I]0-i watch as [Jacob]60-jacob plumps pillows and [Maddie]26-maddie flaps the duvet out . “[0-i] [An ambulance]2167-an ambulance has been dispatched and [the midwife]1573-the midwife called . ” “[0-i] Thank [you]0-i . [They]1385-twins ’d better hurry . “[0-i] Okay . Now who is there , [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward ? [the operator]3415-the operator asks . “[0-i] [Me]0-i , [[my]0-i son]1502-my son , and [daughter]1873-daughter . ” “[0-i] How old are [they]1385-twins ? ” “[1385-twins] Twelve . [[They]1385-twins ’re [twins]1385-twins]1385-twins . [Ava]238-ava ’s eyes spring wide open , [her]238-ava head shaking furiously from side to side . Sweat is dripping from [her]1873-daughter . “[1385-twins] Just hold one moment while [I]0-i get [her]1873-daughter comfortable . ” “[1385-twins] No problem . [I]1385-twins drop the phone and slide [my]1385-twins arms under [Ava]238-ava ’s body , lifting [her]1873-daughter from the floor . “[1385-twins] Pull the duvet under , [I]1385-twins tell [Maddie]26-maddie . “[1385-twins] And the pillows there . ” The two of [them]1385-twins work efficiently and calmly , and [I]1437-guys know for sure that [my]1437-guys coolness is the reason why . [I]1437-guys just need to maintain it . But , fuck , this was not part of [my]1437-guys plan when [I]1437-guys ’ve mentally walked through [Ava]238-ava ’s labor dozens of times . “[1437-guys] [Guys]1437-guys , [I]0-i need [your]0-i help , [I]1437-guys tell [them]1385-twins , lowering [Ava]238-ava back to the soft duvet . “[1437-guys] Can [you]0-i do that ? ” Both nod , eyes passing back and forth between [me]1876-she and [Ava]238-ava . “[1876-she] Is [she]1876-she all right , [Dad]1256-dad ? [Jacob]60-jacob asks , the shock not masked in [his]60-jacob voice as well as it is on [his]60-jacob face . “[1876-she] [She]1876-she ’s fine , [I]1876-she assure [him]60-jacob , stroking back [Ava]238-ava ’s hair from [her]238-ava wet face , dropping a kiss onto [her]238-ava forehead . “[1876-she] Are n’t [you]0-i , [baby]0-i ? [She]238-ava groans but tries to nod , too , [her]238-ava head jerks uncontrolled and erratic . [I]0-i smile , grabbing [her]238-ava hand and squeezing . “[0-i] [You]0-i ready ? ” Blowing out air through [her]238-ava pursed lips , [she]238-ava constricts [my]0-i hand . “[0-i] Do n’t leave [me]0-i . ” “[0-i] [None of [us]1878-us]1877-none of us are leaving . [She]238-ava looks up toward [the kids]2010-the kids , who are on either side of [her]238-ava head , straining a smile . “[0-i] This is nothing compared to when [I]0-i had [you]0-i two , [she]32-mum assures [them]2010-the kids . [I]26-maddie laugh when [the kids]2010-the kids ’ eyes bug , glancing at each other . “[26-maddie] [Maddie]26-maddie , put that damp cloth on [Mum]32-mum ’s forehead , [I]60-jacob order , moving back down [Ava]238-ava ’s body . “[60-jacob] [Jacob]60-jacob , hold [Mum]32-mum ’s hand . [She]32-mum ’s going to squeeze it really hard , [mate]263-argh , so get those muscles flexing . ” “[32-mum] [I]0-i do n’t want to hurt [him]60-jacob , [Ava]238-ava wails , [her]238-ava back bowing violently when another contraction hits [her]238-ava . [Jacob]60-jacob quickly snatches up [her]238-ava hand with both of [his]60-jacob , moving in closer to [her]238-ava head on [his]60-jacob knees . “[0-i] It ’s okay , [Mum]32-mum . Squeeze as hard as [you]1880-you need to . [My]32-mum fucking heart melts as [I]32-mum grab the phone and put it on loudspeaker , resting it on the floor next to [me]32-mum . “[32-mum] Okay . [We]1881-we ’re ready . ” “[1881-we] Okay , [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward . How far apart are the contractions ? ” “[57-mr. ward] One minute , maybe two . [I]57-mr. ward encourage [Ava]238-ava to bend [her]238-ava knees more and spread [her]238-ava legs further , taking a towel and laying it over [her]238-ava knees . “[57-mr. ward] On the next contraction , [I]0-i want [Ava]238-ava to push and [you]1880-you to apply pressure on [her]238-ava vagina . [My]57-mr. ward eyes widen , and [I]57-mr. ward look at [the kids]2010-the kids , who , as [I]57-mr. ward expected , are cringing terribly . [I]57-mr. ward ’m not cringing . [I]57-mr. ward am , however , fucking confused . “[57-mr. ward] [You]1880-you want [me]0-i to push the head back in ? ” Surely not . [Ava]238-ava screams as [I]57-mr. ward utter [my]57-mr. ward question , [her]238-ava face going red . “[57-mr. ward] [You]1880-you ’re not pushing it back in , [Jesse]454-jesse ! [I]0-i want it out ! Now ! ” Fucking hell , the pressure . “[194-kate] Okay , [baby]194-kate . Calm down . ” “[194-kate] [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward . [The operator]3415-the operator is n’t laughing , but [she]3415-the operator ’s not far off . “[57-mr. ward] [I]0-i want [you]1880-you to apply pressure at the top of [Ava]238-ava ’s vagina . ” That word again , and [the kids]2012-the twins both grimace . “[57-mr. ward] The angle will help [the baby]194-kate ’s head pass through easier . [I]57-mr. ward blink [my]57-mr. ward eyes rapidly , trying to focus on the part of [[my]57-mr. ward wife]32-mum that [I]57-mr. ward love the most , the part that looks nothing like [I]57-mr. ward remember . “[57-mr. ward] Right , [I]57-mr. ward breathe , reaching forward . “[57-mr. ward] How hard ? ” “[57-mr. ward] Firmly , [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward . ” “[57-mr. ward] It ’s coming ! [Ava]238-ava starts panting , [her]238-ava cheeks inflating . “[57-mr. ward] Now ! ” “[194-kate] Okay , push , [baby]194-kate ! [I]194-kate do as instructed , applying as much pressure as [I]194-kate ’m comfortable with . “[194-kate] Go on , [Mum]32-mum ! [the twins]2012-the twins chant together . “[32-mum] [You]1880-you can do it ! [She]238-ava grunts , [she]238-ava wails , [she]238-ava cries . It ’s all so familiar , but no less easy to hear . “[454-jesse] [Jesse]454-jesse ! [My]454-jesse name is a drawn - out , high - pitched howl , [her]238-ava head tossed back , [her]238-ava back arched . “[454-jesse] Oh [my]0-i God , it hurts ! [I]454-jesse wince , keeping [my]454-jesse eyes rooted between [her]238-ava legs . A head , smeared with blood and goo , emerges slowly but surely , [my]454-jesse spare hand resting on the underside . “[454-jesse] Come on , [Ava]238-ava , [I]454-jesse yell , cheering [her]238-ava on . “[454-jesse] [He]454-jesse ’s coming . [She]238-ava slumps , exhaling raggedly , and [the baby]238-ava ’s head slowly retreats . [I]454-jesse reach to [my]454-jesse brow and wipe away the sheen of sweat . “[454-jesse] The head came out a bit , but it ’s gone back in again , [I]454-jesse tell [the operative]3421-the operative . “[454-jesse] Perfectly normal , [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward . [We]1883-we ’ll wait for the next contraction and encourage a big push . ” “[1883-we] A big push , [Ava]238-ava . Did [you]238-ava hear that ? ” “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m not fucking deaf ! [she]238-ava snaps between quick , sharp inhales and exhales , throwing [me]0-i daggers . [I]0-i shrink , but [the kids]2010-the kids chuckle , [Jacob]60-jacob having a quick shake out of [his]60-jacob poor hand . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m sorry , [darling]79-darling , [Ava]238-ava says , clumsily reaching for [his]60-jacob head and patting around in [his]60-jacob hair . “[79-darling] Did [I]0-i hurt [you]79-darling ? ” “[0-i] Not at all . [He]60-jacob raises [his]60-jacob arms and flexes [his]60-jacob nonexistent biceps . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m built of steel . [Maddie]26-maddie cackles . “[0-i] In whose world ? ” “[0-i] Concentrate , [Jacob]60-jacob orders , giving [Ava]238-ava back [his]60-jacob hand . “[0-i] Oh , no . [Ava]238-ava ’s panicked eyes land on [me]0-i with a bang . “[0-i] Here ’s another one ! [I]0-i pull [myself]0-i together and move in closer . “[0-i] This time a big push , okay ? The biggest [you]79-darling can manage . ” “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m trying . [She]238-ava ’s getting tearful , [her]238-ava eyes welling . “[0-i] Come on , [I]0-i coo , placing [my]0-i hand back where it should be . “[0-i] [You]79-darling pushed [two babies]1884-two babies out one after the other . This is a walk in [the park]2459-the park . ” “[57-mr. ward] Screw [you]79-darling , [Ward]57-mr. ward . This one must be as big as [Jacob]60-jacob and [Maddie]26-maddie put together . [I]0-i ’m going to be ripped in two . Oh , oh , oh ! [Her]238-ava teeth grit , [her]238-ava fists ball , [her]238-ava head shoots forward . “[194-kate] Arghhhhhhhh ! ” “[194-kate] That ’s it ! [I]194-kate encourage [her]238-ava , watching as the head crowns and gradually stretches [her]238-ava opening . “[194-kate] Come on , [baby]194-kate ! [He]194-kate ’s nearly here . ” The agonizing sound of [her]238-ava screams goes straight through [me]194-kate . “[194-kate] A bit more ! Yes , yes ! That ’s it , [Ava]238-ava ! ” The head passes the widest point and slips free of [her]238-ava walls , a perfect little profile on perfect display . [My]238-ava voice catches in [my]238-ava throat , [my]238-ava hand stroking over the top of [his]194-kate wet head . Fuck , even covered in slime [he]194-kate ’s gorgeous . “[238-ava] The head ’s out , [I]238-ava say to [the operative]3421-the operative , grabbing another towel . “[238-ava] That ’s great . [She]238-ava ’s so calm . “[238-ava] One more push on the next contraction , [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward . When [the baby]194-kate is out , lay it straight on [Ava]238-ava ’s chest and wrap it in a towel . Make sure the cord is n’t caught up . ” “[57-mr. ward] Okay . [I]238-ava prepare [myself]238-ava , glancing up at [Ava]238-ava . [She]238-ava ’s crying now , feeling [Maddie]26-maddie ’s hair as [she]238-ava dabs the flannel across [her]238-ava forehead . “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava , [I]238-ava call , making [her]238-ava head drop limply . “[238-ava] One more push , [baby]194-kate . [She]238-ava nods on a big swallow , closing [her]238-ava eyes . “[32-mum] Just one more , [Mum]32-mum . [Maddie]26-maddie pushes some loose strands of hair off [Ava]238-ava ’s face as [Jacob]60-jacob has another shake of [his]60-jacob hand in preparation , throwing [me]32-mum a Jesus ! look as [he]60-jacob does . When [Ava]238-ava starts with the semi - controlled breaths again , [I]32-mum know the final push is coming . Leveling [her]238-ava eyes on [me]32-mum , [she]238-ava grits [her]238-ava teeth and nods , [her]238-ava face starting to go beet red . There ’s no sound from [her]238-ava this time . Just round eyes glued to [me]32-mum as [she]238-ava goes into the final stretch . [He]60-jacob comes out so fast , [I]32-mum nearly miss it , [my]32-mum gaze set on [[my]32-mum beautiful wife]2012-the twins being helped by [[my]32-mum beautiful children]2012-the twins . “[32-mum] Oh , fuck . [His]60-jacob wet , slippery body falls into [my]1887-i big hands , and [his]60-jacob screams start immediately after that . The sound is fucking golden . [He]60-jacob ’s fucking perfect . [I]1887-i ’m a fucking wreck , [my]1887-i eyes full of tears . [I]1887-i carefully shift [him]60-jacob into one hand , being careful of the cord , and push [Ava]238-ava ’s T - shirt up , laying [him]60-jacob on [her]238-ava chest and covering [them]2012-the twins with a towel . [I]1887-i expect [the twins]2012-the twins to grimace and look away , but [they]2012-the twins are utterly mesmerized by the sight , [their]2012-the twins little jaws hanging open . “[1887-i] [He]1887-i ’s here , [I]1887-i croak , mindful that [the operative]3421-the operative is waiting for an update . “[1887-i] [He]1887-i ’s here and [he]1887-i ’s perfect . ” “[1887-i] Congratulations , [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward . ” “[57-mr. ward] Thank [you]57-mr. ward . ” Emotion ambushes [me]0-i as [I]0-i watch [Ava]238-ava hold [[our]3426-our baby]1647-our baby to [her]238-ava chest , [her]238-ava lips resting on [his]1887-i head , [her]238-ava eyes closed . “[0-i] [I]0-i hardly did a thing . [The operative]3421-the operative chuckles . “[0-i] [You]57-mr. ward were [a perfect student]57-mr. ward . [I]0-i ’ve had confirmation that [the paramedics and midwife]1888-the paramedics and midwife are just a few minutes away . [I]0-i ’m going to stay on the line until [they]1888-the paramedics and midwife arrive . [I]1889-i nod , sniffle , and wipe [my]1889-i nose with the back of [my]1889-i hand as [I]1889-i crawl up the side of [Ava]238-ava to join [them]1888-the paramedics and midwife . [Her]238-ava face is red and blotchy , [her]238-ava hair a wet mess . But [she]238-ava ’s stunning . [I]1889-i smile and reach for [[my]1889-i baby]1638-my baby ’s little hand , amazed by [his]1889-i tiny fingers . “[1889-i] [He]1889-i ’s perfect , [I]1889-i whisper , instant love booming within [me]1889-i . “[1889-i] [You]1890-you keep saying [he]1889-i . [Ava]238-ava looks down at the back of [his]1889-i head . “[1889-i] Is it confirmed ? [I]1889-i frown . No , it ’s not . [I]1889-i was so enthralled , [I]1889-i did n’t look for [his]1889-i bits , or lack thereof . “[1889-i] Wait . [I]1889-i reach for the towel covering [them]3430-them , pulling it up before lifting a little leg a tad so [I]1889-i can see . “[1889-i] What is it , [Dad]1256-dad ? [Jacob]60-jacob hurries around to [my]240-my boy side , as well as [Maddie]26-maddie . “[240-my boy] [A boy]240-my boy or [a girl]2026-a girl ? [I]240-my boy smile , looking at each of [their]3430-them impatient faces before cocking [my]240-my boy head for [them]3430-them to look [themselves]3430-them . Both [their]3430-them heads dive down to inspect [the area]535-the area . “[240-my boy] Well ? [Ava]238-ava asks , impatient . “[0-i] Tell [me]0-i . [Maddie]26-maddie coughs . “[240-my boy] It ’s definitely a [he]240-my boy . ” Looking up to [Ava]238-ava , [she]238-ava smirks . “[240-my boy] And [he]240-my boy ’s got a bigger penis than [Jacob]60-jacob has now ! [I]26-maddie let out a bark of laughter , roughing [[my]26-maddie boy]240-my boy ’s hair when [he]240-my boy throws an indignant look [Maddie]26-maddie ’s way . “[26-maddie] Get lost , [Maddie]26-maddie . [I]26-maddie crawl up and lie down beside [Ava]238-ava , [my]26-maddie body stretched the length of [hers]238-ava and then some . [I]26-maddie kiss [[my]26-maddie baby boy]240-my boy ’s sweet little head , inhaling as [I]26-maddie do . [Lord]240-my boy , [I]26-maddie ’ve missed that smell so much . “[26-maddie] [You]26-maddie did so well . [I]26-maddie turn [my]26-maddie lips to [[my]26-maddie wife]26-maddie and kiss [her]26-maddie sweaty forehead , taking the opportunity to breathe [her]26-maddie in , too . “[26-maddie] So , so well . ” Sighing deeply , [she]26-maddie closes [her]26-maddie eyes and nuzzles into [me]26-maddie . “[26-maddie] [You]26-maddie ’re [[my]0-i superstar]26-maddie . ” “[26-maddie] That ’s one [I]0-i ’ve never been called before , [I]0-i quip lightly . “[0-i] What happened to [god]1893-a good - looking little fucker ? ” A tired chuckle melts into [my]1893-a good - looking little fucker ears as [I]1893-a good - looking little fucker snuggle in close , the side of one finger stroking down [his]1893-a good - looking little fucker little cheek . “[1893-a good - looking little fucker] [He]1893-a good - looking little fucker ’s [a good - looking little fucker]1893-a good - looking little fucker , [I]1893-a good - looking little fucker whisper . “[1893-a good - looking little fucker] Clearly [he]1893-a good - looking little fucker takes after [[his]1893-a good - looking little fucker dad]1819-his dad . ” “[1893-a good - looking little fucker] [Your]1893-a good - looking little fucker ego knows no bounds . ” “[169-hey] [Hey]169-hey , what are [we]1895-we calling [him]1893-a good - looking little fucker ? [Maddie]26-maddie is already besotted , [her]26-maddie attention on [the baby]2508-the baby and [the baby]2508-the baby alone . [I]0-i stall voicing [my]0-i preference , like [I]0-i have for some time . [I]0-i ’m not sure if it ’s a good idea , or what [Ava]238-ava would think . “[0-i] [I]0-i do n’t know . [I]0-i shrug mildly . “[0-i] What do [[you]0-i guys]2324-you guys think ? What does [he]1893-a good - looking little fucker look like ? ” Both of [them]2324-you guys crowd [him]1893-a good - looking little fucker , [their]2324-you guys heads cocked in contemplation . “[1893-a good - looking little fucker] [He]1893-a good - looking little fucker does n’t look like anything . [Jacob]60-jacob reaches forward and touches the end of [his]1893-a good - looking little fucker nose . “[1893-a good - looking little fucker] [He]1893-a good - looking little fucker ’s so tiny . ” “[1893-a good - looking little fucker] [I]0-i think [he]1893-a good - looking little fucker looks like [a Joseph]1897-a joseph , [Maddie]26-maddie declares . “[1893-a good - looking little fucker] [He]1893-a good - looking little fucker ’s got the same amount of hair as [Pap]85-pap . [I]1893-a good - looking little fucker grin when [Ava]238-ava snorts . “[1893-a good - looking little fucker] What do [you]0-i think , [Mummy]77-mummy ? [Ava]238-ava breathes in , [her]238-ava chin lowering to [her]238-ava chest to look at [his]1893-a good - looking little fucker peaceful form . [She]238-ava thinks for a while , and then [she]238-ava looks to [the twins]2012-the twins . “[26-maddie] [Maddie]26-maddie , [Jacob]60-jacob , meet [[your]0-i new brother]1898-your new brother . ” Glancing back at [me]60-jacob , [[my]60-jacob wife]238-ava smiles faintly . “[60-jacob] [Baby John - Boy]60-jacob . ” Oh , fucking hell . [My]60-jacob heart bursts . “[60-jacob] Really ? [I]1898-your new brother ask , pushing down the lump working its way into [my]1898-your new brother throat . [She]238-ava shrugs , as if it ’s nothing , when it is absolutely everything . “[1898-your new brother] [He]1898-your new brother looks like a [John]60-jacob to [me]0-i . ” Peeking back down at [him]1898-your new brother , [she]238-ava nods to [herself]238-ava decisively . “[1898-your new brother] Yes , [he]1898-your new brother ’s definitely [a John]60-jacob . And if [we]1899-we ’re lucky , [he]1898-your new brother ’ll be as loyal , brave , and loving as the original . ” Fuck , [I]293-someone ’m [a goner]60-jacob . [I]293-someone bury [my]293-someone face into [her]238-ava neck and let [my]293-someone stinging eyes release the tears . [My]293-someone emotions are shot , a huge concoction of overwhelming happiness and unrelenting sadness . [I]293-someone ’ll make sure [baby John - Boy]60-jacob is all of those things . If it ’s the last thing [I]293-someone do , [he]1898-your new brother ’ll be everything [[his]1898-your new brother uncle]60-jacob [John]60-jacob was . [I]293-someone feel [Ava]238-ava ’s hand in [my]293-someone hair , comforting [me]293-someone . [I]293-someone ’ve held it together for long enough . It ’s all coming out now . But then [baby John - Boy]60-jacob decides it ’s [his]1898-your new brother turn to have a wail , putting the stoppers on [my]293-someone intended release time . [I]293-someone peek up , [my]293-someone face wet , and find [his]1898-your new brother fist rammed in [his]1898-your new brother mouth . “[293-someone] [Someone]293-someone ’s hungry . [I]32-mum look across to [the kids]2010-the kids and cock [my]32-mum head . “[32-mum] [Mum]32-mum ’s about to get [her]32-mum boobs out . ” “[32-mum] [I]0-i ’ll go see if [the ambulance]381-the ambulance is here ! [Jacob]60-jacob bombs from [the lounge]708-the lounge like a spitfire , leaving smoke in [his]1898-your new brother wake . [I]32-mum laugh . [He]1898-your new brother ’s just witnessed [[his]1898-your new brother mum]32-mum giving birth , not that [he]1898-your new brother saw the graphic stuff , but still . It was an experience . And [he]1898-your new brother ’s scared of a bit of boob ? “[32-mum] Can [I]0-i stay ? [Maddie]26-maddie asks , a little tentatively . [She]26-maddie ’s so curious , completely bewitched by [[her]26-maddie new brother]32-mum . “[0-i] Sure [you]32-mum can , [darling]32-mum . [Ava]238-ava reaches for [her]238-ava hand . “[0-i] But first would [you]32-mum mind getting [me]0-i some water ? ” “[170-ice] [Ice]170-ice ? ” “[170-ice] Lovely . [Maddie]26-maddie shoots off , eager to help . It ’s a great start to the new dynamics of [[our]1903-our family]1407-our family . “[1903-our] Shall [we]1903-our ? [I]1903-our ask , helping [her]238-ava lift [him]32-mum to [her]238-ava breast . [He]32-mum latches onto [Ava]238-ava ’s nipple like a suction pad , [his]32-mum cheeks hollowing and pulling long sucks . “[1903-our] Fuck [me]0-i , [he]32-mum ’s definitely [a breast man]32-mum . ” “[32-mum] Stop . [Ava]238-ava laughs , smacking [my]32-mum hand playfully before settling [her]238-ava head back down . If there is a more beautiful sight than this , then [I]32-mum ’m yet to see it . “[32-mum] [You]32-mum ’re [a lucky man]1904-a lucky man , [John - Boy]60-jacob , [I]60-jacob whisper , taking [my]60-jacob face down close to [his]32-mum . [His]32-mum eyes are open just a fraction , but [they]32-mum ’re on [me]60-jacob . “[60-jacob] [I]0-i ’m willing to share for now , [I]60-jacob tell [him]32-mum , dropping a kiss on [his]32-mum forehead as [Ava]238-ava giggles softly . “[60-jacob] But be warned , [I]0-i ’m only loaning them to [you]60-jacob . [I]0-i want them back . Understand ? [I]26-maddie stroke over [his]32-mum smooth head , smiling down at [[my]26-maddie new baby boy]60-jacob . [I]26-maddie swallow down the lump closing [my]26-maddie throat and look up to the eyes that keep [me]26-maddie alive . And looking back at [me]26-maddie , [her]238-ava gaze soft and teary , is the beauty that is [my]26-maddie life . Epilogue Eighteen months later [Ava]238-ava The sun is warm , the sky clear . [[Our]3438-our house]543-our home smells like cakes baking and potatoes roasting . It ’s all mixing up with the drifting scent of charcoal from the barbeque floating in from [the garden]2075-the garden . It smells like [home]543-our home , [[our]3438-our home]543-our home , and the sounds are perfectly [[our]3438-our home]543-our home , too . [Maddie]26-maddie ’s music blaring down [the stairs]244-the stairs , [Jacob]60-jacob smacking a tennis ball across the net . [John - Boy]60-jacob squealing in [the garden]2075-the garden . [I]26-maddie smile and peek out the kitchen window as [I]26-maddie rub cream into [my]26-maddie hands , seeing [Jesse]454-jesse on all - fours chasing [him]454-jesse . [I]26-maddie say chase . [He]454-jesse ’s making all the threatening sounds as [he]454-jesse crawls after [our]3438-our lumbering toddler on [the lawn]2079-the lawn . [He]454-jesse ’s just walking . Literally just . [I]26-maddie was beginning to worry ; [the twins]2012-the twins were both on [their]2012-the twins feet at twelve months , but [John - Boy]60-jacob … oh , no . But then when [he]454-jesse ’s got [four people]3444-four people to carry [him]454-jesse around wherever [he]454-jesse pleases , why the hell would [he]454-jesse bother using [his]454-jesse own two feet ? Taking [my]26-maddie apron off and letting [my]26-maddie hair out of its ponytail , [I]26-maddie head for [the garden]2075-the garden to join in the fun now all the food is prepped . As [I]26-maddie make it to the back door , finding them rolling around on the grass , [I]26-maddie ca n’t bring [myself]26-maddie to interrupt [their]2012-the twins roughty - toughty fun . Besides , [I]26-maddie ’m hardly dressed for wrestling . So [I]26-maddie stand at the door , [my]26-maddie shoulder resting on the frame , and [I]26-maddie do something [I]26-maddie ’ll never tire of . [I]26-maddie watch [them]3444-four people . [Jesse]454-jesse and [John - Boy]60-jacob . [I]26-maddie watch [them]3444-four people laugh , roll , squeal . [[My]26-maddie husband]454-jesse is on [his]454-jesse back and currently has [[our]3447-our toddler]3448-our toddler held in the air above [him]454-jesse , swishing [him]454-jesse from side to side like [a diving fighter plane]3449-a diving fighter plane . [He]454-jesse ’s making the noises to match . [John - Boy]60-jacob thinks it ’s hilarious . [I]26-maddie do , too . All that fear [Jesse]454-jesse tried to hide in the early stages of [my]26-maddie pregnancy was wasted effort . [I]26-maddie understood [his]454-jesse panic . [Fifty]49-fifty is quite mature to be fathering [a child]3450-a child . But , truth is , it ’s given [him]454-jesse a new lease of life . After everything that happened , [John]60-jacob , [Lauren]1535-lauren , [my]26-maddie accident , [John - Boy]60-jacob was a pure blessing in disguise . [I]26-maddie breathe in and take a seat on [the steps]3451-the steps quietly so [they]3451-the steps do n’t notice [they]3451-the steps have [a spectator]3452-a spectator . [Jesse]454-jesse rolls over and places [John - Boy]60-jacob on [his]454-jesse unsteady feet , quickly moving back . “[26-maddie] Can [you]1905-you catch [Daddy]26-maddie ? [he]454-jesse asks , ruffling up [John - Boy]60-jacob ’s blond hair . It ’s thick and gorgeous , just like [[his]454-jesse brother]60-jacob ’s and just like [[his]454-jesse daddy]60-jacob ’s . “[171-dada] [Dada]171-dada , noooooo ! [John - Boy]60-jacob bends at the waist and places [his]454-jesse little palms on [his]454-jesse knees , like [he]454-jesse could be telling [Jesse]454-jesse off . [I]171-dada stifle a laugh , grinning like [an idiot]2583-an idiot as [John - Boy]60-jacob stomps forward with outstretched arms and [Jesse]454-jesse walks back on [his]454-jesse knees , keeping the distance . “[171-dada] [Dada]171-dada , bad ! [He]454-jesse ’s getting stroppy , [his]454-jesse gorgeous little face twisting with displeasure . “[171-dada] Back , back , back ! [he]454-jesse shouts . “[171-dada] Back , [Dada]171-dada ! ” “[171-dada] [You]171-dada can go faster , [Jesse]454-jesse tells [him]454-jesse , getting to [his]454-jesse feet . “[171-dada] Run for [Daddy]26-maddie . ” “[60-jacob] [John - Boy]60-jacob run ! [He]454-jesse waddles on , [his]454-jesse pace picking up . “[60-jacob] [John - Boy]60-jacob , run , run , run ! ” “[60-jacob] That ’s it . [Jesse]454-jesse walks backward , [his]454-jesse pace slow , even though [John - Boy]60-jacob ’s little chubby legs are now virtually sprinting . [My]60-jacob breath catches when [I]60-jacob see [him]454-jesse stumble , [his]454-jesse hands coming up in an instinctual move to save [him]454-jesse before [he]454-jesse hits [the deck]3454-the deck . [He]454-jesse does n’t need those hands . “[60-jacob] Oops , there [he]1906-he goes . [Jesse]454-jesse laughs , swiping [John - Boy]60-jacob from [his]1906-he feet in one swift move . And then [he]1906-he is sailing through the air like [a jet plane]3455-a jet plane once again . [Jesse]454-jesse ’s always there for [him]1906-he . Always there for [all of [us]612-all of us]612-all of us . [I]1906-he clap , laughing , winning both of [their]612-all of us attentions . [I]1906-he ’m not sure whose green eyes sparkle more . “[1906-he] Good running , [John - Boy]60-jacob ! [I]172-mama call , holding out [my]172-mama hands for [him]454-jesse to come . “[172-mama] [Mama]172-mama ! [He]454-jesse struggles free from [Jesse]454-jesse ’s hold and gets set on [his]454-jesse feet . [God]373-god , [his]454-jesse little grinning face is just edible . Clomping on [his]454-jesse way , [he]454-jesse holds [his]454-jesse arms out while [Jesse]454-jesse keeps close company behind to catch [him]454-jesse when [he]454-jesse falls . Because [he]454-jesse will . About two of [Jesse]454-jesse ’s strides away , the inevitable trip happens . And once again [he]454-jesse ’s saved by [Daddy]26-maddie , who swings [him]454-jesse into [my]1907-my arms . “[1907-my] There [he]1907-my is ! [I]0-i sing , catching [him]454-jesse from [Jesse]454-jesse ’s hands and putting [my]0-i lips straight on [his]454-jesse cheek , making [him]454-jesse giggle , the sound so sweet . [Jesse]454-jesse lowers to the step beside [me]0-i , [his]454-jesse attention now on [me]0-i . When [his]454-jesse gaze meets [mine]0-i , [he]454-jesse smiles that roguish smile . “[0-i] [I]0-i like [your]0-i dress . ” “[0-i] Of course [you]0-i do . [You]0-i chose it . [I]0-i roll [my]0-i eyes as [I]0-i reach over to offer [my]0-i lips . [I]0-i do n’t get a chance to poise [them]3457-them ready for [his]454-jesse attack . [He]454-jesse ’s on [me]0-i fast , delivering a smacker of a kiss . “[0-i] Hmmm , [you]0-i smell divine . [I]293-someone hum , feeling [John - Boy]60-jacob pulling at the top of [my]293-someone black wraparound dress . That fresh water scent on [[my]293-someone husband]454-jesse is still the best tranquilizer , [my]293-someone body folding under the smell , [his]454-jesse breath always so minty fresh . Pulling back a fraction , [Jesse]454-jesse circles [my]293-someone nose with [his]454-jesse . “[293-someone] [Someone]293-someone wants access , [he]454-jesse quips , nodding to [John - Boy]60-jacob wrestling with the black material of [my]293-someone dress . “[293-someone] Greedy little sod . ” “[293-someone] [Someone]293-someone needs to get used to the fact that [Mummy]77-mummy ’s boobs are n’t at [his]293-someone disposal . [I]263-argh take [John - Boy]60-jacob ’s hands and push them away , making [him]293-someone whine and start slapping [my]263-argh chest in protest . “[263-argh] [I]0-i know , [mate]263-argh , [Jesse]454-jesse sighs , reaching for [his]454-jesse chubby cheek and pinching lightly . “[263-argh] [She]263-argh ’s a tease , right ? [I]263-argh laugh , repositioning [John - Boy]60-jacob on [my]263-argh lap , away from [me]263-argh . [He]454-jesse ’s having none of it , fighting to turn . [I]263-argh moan . This weaning business is exhausting , but with [me]263-argh now setting up [my]263-argh own interior design firm , it ’s essential . Plus , [he]454-jesse ’s way too big now to be hanging off [my]263-argh boob . “[263-argh] [Mummy]77-mummy will get [you]263-argh a bottle . ” “[173-booby] [Booby]173-booby , booby , booby ! [Jesse]454-jesse falls apart , chuckling uncontrollably next to [me]173-booby while [I]173-booby fight off [[our]3459-our relentless toddler]3460-our relentless toddler . “[173-booby] Just let [him]173-booby have what [he]173-booby wants . [Jesse]454-jesse places [his]173-booby hand on [John - Boy]60-jacob ’s head , rubbing lovingly . [I]454-jesse refuse to give in , and part of [me]454-jesse is wondering if [[my]454-jesse conniving husband]3461-my conniving husband has a method to [his]3461-my conniving husband madness , because [he]3461-my conniving husband usually does . And this time , [I]454-jesse suspect [he]3461-my conniving husband ’s cottoned onto the fact that with [[his]3461-my conniving husband son]60-jacob stuck to [my]454-jesse breast , there ’s no way [I]454-jesse can go back to work full - time . Well , [he]3461-my conniving husband can think again . [He]3461-my conniving husband sulked for weeks when [I]454-jesse told [him]3461-my conniving husband [my]454-jesse plan for [my]454-jesse new business . Even laid a few of [his]3461-my conniving husband fucks on [me]454-jesse . [They]3462-they did n’t make a difference . [I]454-jesse held [my]454-jesse own , and [he]3461-my conniving husband finally relented . [He]3461-my conniving husband ’s learning . “[454-jesse] [Jesse]454-jesse , [I]0-i moan , looking for the backup [I]0-i need . [Jesus]26-maddie , [he]3461-my conniving husband ’ll still be attached to [my]0-i breast when [I]0-i ’m fifty , and [I]0-i plan on having surgery way before then . Like as soon as these balloons shrink back down to [their]3462-they usual form , which basically means [they]3462-they ’ll be spaniel ’s ears again . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m sorry . [[My]0-i wayward husband]3463-my wayward husband snorts and gathers [himself]3463-my wayward husband . “[0-i] Why are [you]0-i finding this so funny , anyway ? [I]0-i grumble , handing [John - Boy]60-jacob over to [Jesse]454-jesse . “[0-i] [I]0-i thought [you]0-i wanted them back for [yourself]0-i ? [He]3463-my wayward husband stands [John - Boy]60-jacob on [his]3463-my wayward husband knees and smiles fondly at the little bugger . “[869-buddy] But [his]869-buddy needs are greater than [mine]0-i , are n’t [they]1911-they , [buddy]869-buddy ? [I]869-buddy ’m stunned . Never in a million years did [I]869-buddy ever expect those words to fall from [[my]869-buddy husband]454-jesse ’s mouth . “[869-buddy] [You]869-buddy ’ve changed , [I]869-buddy mutter , feeling absolutely slighted as [he]3463-my wayward husband distracts [John - Boy]60-jacob by blowing raspberries on [his]3463-my wayward husband belly . The shriek of laughter is ear - piercing and heart swelling all at once , [John - Boy]60-jacob ’s hands yanking at [Jesse]454-jesse ’s dirty blond waves . “[869-buddy] If [you]0-i ’re feeling that blasé about [my]0-i boobs , [you]0-i wo n’t mind if [I]0-i get [them]1911-they inflated to [their]1911-they former glory . [I]0-i realize [I]0-i ’ve just poked the bear with a huge fucking stick . But still … what the hell , with all this casual approach to [my]0-i assets ? Or [his]3463-my wayward husband assets , more to the point . [Jesse]454-jesse ’s playful motions still , [his]454-jesse face smothered by [John - Boy]60-jacob ’s round tummy . [I]0-i smile to [myself]0-i , waiting for the thorough dressing down [I]0-i ’m about to get . Slowly , [his]454-jesse face turns toward [mine]0-i , [his]454-jesse green eyes narrow , the cogs of [his]454-jesse mind smoking [they]1911-they ’re spinning so fast . “[0-i] Take that back right now . [I]0-i pout , all innocent , and shake [my]0-i head . [I]0-i ’m in the mood for a Retribution Fuck . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m getting a boob job . ” “[26-maddie] Over [my]0-i dead body , [lady]26-maddie . [I]26-maddie sigh , rising to [my]26-maddie feet . “[26-maddie] Get a grip , [Ward]238-ava . [I]0-i ’ve had three kids ravish these boobs , on top of [you]26-maddie . [They]1913-these boys ’re knackered . [I]238-ava turn and wander into [the house]2056-the house , [Jesse]454-jesse hot on [my]238-ava heels with [John - Boy]60-jacob thrown under [his]454-jesse arm , laughing . [Daddy]26-maddie is n’t laughing , though . “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava ! ” “[172-mama] [Mama]172-mama ! [I]172-mama get to the fridge and pull out some milk for [John - Boy]60-jacob , turning with a coy smile on [my]172-mama face as [I]172-mama shake it up . “[172-mama] So whose boobies are [they]1913-these boys ? ” “[1914-mine] [Mine]1914-mine , [Jesse]454-jesse growls , nostrils flaring and all . “[0-i] [I]0-i only loaned [them]1913-these boys . ” “[1914-mine] [Mine]1914-mine ! [John - Boy]60-jacob sings , making grabby hands for [his]454-jesse milk . [My]0-i grin stretches [my]0-i face as [I]0-i hand [John - Boy]60-jacob [his]454-jesse milk , [Jesse]454-jesse ’s displeased eyes following [me]0-i all the way . [He]454-jesse shoves it straight in [his]454-jesse mouth and pipes down . “[0-i] [I]0-i believe [they]1913-these boys are actually [mine]1914-mine , [I]0-i declare haughtily , sashaying out of [the kitchen]228-the kitchen , knowing exactly what [I]0-i ’m damn well doing . [These boys]1913-these boys , [I]0-i think , heading to answer a knock at the front door . [The whole gang]2989-the whole gang marches into [the house]228-the kitchen . [Drew]53-drew and [Raya]54-raya head straight for [the lounge]708-the lounge to lay a sleeping [Imogen]165-imogen on the couch , while [Georgia]58-georgia dances off [upstairs]589-upstairs to find [Maddie]26-maddie . [Sam]50-sam and [Kate]194-kate have a verbal spar on the way to [the kitchen]228-the kitchen over whose turn it is to change [Betty]424-elizabeth ’s nappy , and [Mum]32-mum and [Dad]1256-dad , followed closely behind by [[Jesse]454-jesse ’s parents]3470-jesse ’s parents , head straight for [the kitchen]228-the kitchen to take the reins . [I]0-i follow [the troop]3471-the troop , meeting [Jacob]60-jacob at the entrance to [the kitchen]228-the kitchen . “[0-i] Look at the state of [you]1915-you . [I]0-i sigh , pointing to the grass stains on [his]50-sam knees as [he]50-sam spins [his]50-sam tennis racket in [his]50-sam grasp . “[0-i] Are [Uncle Sam]50-sam and [Drew]53-drew [here]2274-here ? [He]50-sam shrugs off [my]1917-my fussing hands and pulls a tennis ball from the pocket of [his]50-sam shorts . “[1917-my] [We]1917-my ’re playing doubles , and [me]0-i and [Dad]1256-dad are gon na win . [I]79-darling laugh . “[79-darling] Of course [you]1915-you are , [darling]79-darling . [Dad]1256-dad always wins . [I]1256-dad take [his]1256-dad shoulders and push [him]1256-dad into [the kitchen]228-the kitchen . “[1256-dad] Come say hi to [everyone]283-everyone before [you]1915-you disappear back into [the garden]2075-the garden . ” “[1256-dad] Hey , [Mum]32-mum ? [He]50-sam stops [us]1917-my from progressing to [the kitchen]228-the kitchen , looking up at [me]32-mum . [He]50-sam gives [me]32-mum [his]50-sam sweet little crinkled forehead that ’s a replica of [[his]50-sam dad]1256-dad ’s . It ’s frightening how much [[our]1917-my boys]3473-our boys look like [Jesse]454-jesse . [They]3473-our boys ’re like little doppelgängers . It ’s both highly satisfying that [they]3473-our boys ’ve inherited [[their]3473-our boys father]1256-dad ’s obscenely handsome looks , and very worrying , too . How many girls will [I]32-mum be fending off over the coming years ? Which reminds [me]32-mum , [Jacob]60-jacob has [a guest]3474-a guest[a girl [he]3474-a guest ’s fond of]3475-a girl he ’s fond of . [Jesse]454-jesse and [I]32-mum agreed to let [them]3473-our boys each have [a friend]349-a friend over for this afternoon ’s barbeque in [John]60-jacob ’s memory . [Neither of [us]3478-us]2103-neither of us expected [them]3473-our boys to invite [friends of the opposite sex]3479-friends of the opposite sex . “[32-mum] What ’s up , [sweetheart]0-i ? [I]0-i know what ’s up . “[0-i] When [Clarita]174-clarita arrives , do n’t embarrass [me]0-i , will [you]0-i ? [I]0-i feign a shocked face , resting [my]0-i palm on [my]0-i chest . “[0-i] [Me]0-i ? ” “[0-i] Yes , [you]0-i . And please keep [Dad]1256-dad under control . [I]0-i laugh . “[0-i] [You]0-i do n’t have to worry about [[your]0-i father]1256-dad . [His]1256-dad attention will be on [Maddie]26-maddie and [[her]26-maddie guest]1921-her guest . ” “[1256-dad] Still , be cool , yeah ? ” “[1256-dad] Yes , [I]0-i ’ll be cool , [I]0-i assure [him]1256-dad . “[0-i] But just remember . ” “[0-i] What ? [I]0-i smile down at [[my]0-i boy]1256-dad and kiss [his]1256-dad hair . “[0-i] [You]0-i only need [one woman in [your]0-i life]1922-one woman in your life . And who ’s that ? ” “[424-elizabeth] [[My]0-i mother]424-elizabeth . [He]1256-dad sighs on an expert roll of [his]1256-dad eyes , one [I]1924-good boy know [he]1256-dad ’s learned from [me]1924-good boy . “[1924-good boy] [Good boy]1924-good boy . [I]60-jacob leave [him]1924-good boy to say [his]1924-good boy hellos to [the gang]984-the gang , going back to the front door when there ’s knocking . [I]60-jacob open and find [Elsie]32-mum with a huge bunch of flowers held in front of [her]32-mum . [Her]32-mum head pops up over the spray , [her]32-mum pink hair blending with the colorful arrangement . “[60-jacob] [John]60-jacob always bought [me]0-i big , bright bouquets . [He]1924-good boy said the more vibrant , the more [they]1925-they reminded [him]1924-good boy of [me]0-i . [I]1924-good boy smile , a little sadness washing over [me]1924-good boy . “[1924-good boy] [They]1925-they ’re beautiful . [I]1925-they accept [them]1925-they and give [her]32-mum a big hug . “[1925-they] [You]1925-they look gorgeous . Thank [you]1925-they for coming . ” “[1925-they] Do n’t get all sappy on [me]0-i or [I]0-i ’ll cry , and [John]60-jacob would not be happy about that . [She]32-mum gently but firmly swats [me]60-jacob away , lifting [her]32-mum chin high . “[60-jacob] Where are [those gorgeous children]1926-those gorgeous children ? [I]32-mum laugh and open the way , leading [her]32-mum to [the kitchen]228-the kitchen . “[32-mum] [Elsie]32-mum ’s here , [I]32-mum declare , smiling when [everyone]283-everyone rushes to welcome [her]32-mum . [I]32-mum make [my]32-mum way to the fridge , pulling out a jug of [Pimm]175-pimm ’s . “[32-mum] What ’s up with moody balls ? [Kate]194-kate asks , collecting the glasses for [me]0-i . Sure enough , [Jesse]454-jesse ’s forehead is a map of angry lines , [his]454-jesse scowl pointed at [me]0-i . [I]0-i smile sweetly at [him]454-jesse as [I]0-i pour drinks for [me]0-i and [Kate]194-kate . “[0-i] [I]0-i may have dropped the boob bomb . ” “[0-i] Oh , that would explain it . [She]194-kate chuckles and takes a glug of [her]194-kate drink as [Raya]54-raya joins [us]3483-us with [Elsie]32-mum . “[0-i] Explain what ? [Raya]54-raya asks , taking an empty and holding it out for [me]306-my man to fill . “[306-my man] [[My]0-i man]306-my man is grumpy about the boob situation . [Raya]54-raya whines a little under [her]54-raya breath . “[306-my man] Oh God , [my]0-i breasts look like [they]1928-they ’ve been ravaged , and not in the best way . [She]54-raya looks down at [them]1928-they , [her]54-raya lip curling in disapproval . “[1928-they] Oh , [you]0-i [young girls]1929-young girls ! [Elsie]32-mum chuckles . “[1929-young girls] Grow old gracefully . [I]1929-young girls snort . “[1929-young girls] It ’s all right for [you]0-i with [your]0-i tight little body . [I]1929-young girls ’m still doing yoga with [Elsie]32-mum , though not as often , and [I]1929-young girls can guarantee [I]1929-young girls wo n’t have [her]32-mum figure in [my]1929-young girls midsixties . “[1929-young girls] What ’s going on ? [Jesse]454-jesse asks , looking as suspicious as [I]1929-young girls know [he]454-jesse is as [he]454-jesse approaches , [a quiet John - Boy]454-jesse still gobbling down [his]454-jesse milk in [his]454-jesse arms . “[1929-young girls] Nothing , [I]1929-young girls sing , taking the jug of [Pimm]175-pimm ’s and topping up [the girls]2069-the girls . “[1929-young girls] Hey . [Kate]194-kate pulls [Sam]50-sam over . “[1929-young girls] If [Ava]238-ava ’s getting [her]238-ava boobs fixed , so am [I.]1930-i. ” “[238-ava] [Ava]238-ava is n’t getting [her]238-ava boobs fixed because [they]1931-they are n’t broken , [Jesse]454-jesse declares , throwing [Kate]194-kate a deadly glare . “[238-ava] [The surgeon]1495-an expert ’s [an expert]1495-an expert , [Jesse]454-jesse , [I]454-jesse argue , aware that [I]454-jesse ’m wasting [my]454-jesse time . “[454-jesse] [I]0-i ’ll be in perfectly safe hands . ” “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m the only expert on [[my]0-i wife]26-maddie ’s boobs around here , and the only safe hands [they]1931-they ’ll be in are [mine]1934-mine . End of . [Drew]53-drew smiles as [he]53-drew pops the cap off [his]53-drew beer . “[0-i] [I]0-i think [John - Boy]60-jacob is more [the expert]1935-the expert these days , right ? [He]53-drew chuckles around the top of [his]53-drew bottle as [I]2010-the kids silently will [him]53-drew to stop with the teasing . It just makes the gorilla worse . At that moment , [John - Boy]60-jacob takes [his]53-drew empty bottle and smacks it over [Jesse]454-jesse ’s head , as if in agreement . [Everyone]121-everyone flinches , but not [Jesse]454-jesse . [He]53-drew ’s too busy still giving [me]2010-the kids the death stare . [Elsie]32-mum , chuckling , takes [John - Boy]60-jacob from [Jesse]454-jesse ’s arms . “[2010-the kids] Come on , [children]2010-the kids , [she]32-mum sings when [Maddie]26-maddie and [Georgia]58-georgia come dancing into [the kitchen]228-the kitchen . “[26-maddie] [Maddie]26-maddie , [you]26-maddie get [Betty]424-elizabeth , and , [Georgia]58-georgia , [you]26-maddie get [Imogen]165-imogen . Let ’s go play . [Elsie]32-mum directs all [the kids]2010-the kids into [the garden]2075-the garden , and [I]2010-the kids smile after [her]32-mum . [She]32-mum ’ll have [them]2010-the kids all doing baby yoga in no time . “[2010-the kids] So when do [you]26-maddie fly out ? [Raya]54-raya asks as [the men]2252-the men break away and go congregate around [the island]2099-the island . “[26-maddie] Tomorrow . [I]26-maddie ’m reminded that [I]26-maddie still have a ton of things to do before [we]1937-we head for [the airport]3489-the airport . [I]26-maddie have n’t even finished packing . “[26-maddie] [I]0-i ca n’t believe [we]1937-we ’re not invited . [Kate]194-kate throws [me]26-maddie a feigned hurt expression that [I]26-maddie find easy to brush off . [She]194-kate understands . “[26-maddie] It ’s just [me]0-i , [Jesse]454-jesse , and [the kids]2010-the kids . [I]454-jesse ca n’t be made to feel guilty . It ’s [our]1937-we first holiday for over two years . “[454-jesse] And [I]0-i ca n’t wait to have [them]2010-the kids all to [myself]0-i . [I]454-jesse glance over to [Jesse]454-jesse as [he]454-jesse glances over to [me]454-jesse . Fucking hell , [he]454-jesse ’s so damn beautiful , even when [he]454-jesse ’s grumpy . [[My]454-jesse husband]454-jesse . [The man who ’s given [me]454-jesse [three beautiful kids]2010-the kids]454-jesse . [I]454-jesse look at [them]2010-the kids each day and thank all things holy that [I]454-jesse found the enigma that was [Jesse Ward]454-jesse . [I]454-jesse thank [my]454-jesse lucky stars that [I]454-jesse walked into [that posh sex club of [his]454-jesse]3491-that posh sex club of his and had the wind knocked out of [me]454-jesse by just the sound of [his]454-jesse voice . Of course , then [I]454-jesse saw [him]454-jesse . And then [he]454-jesse saw [me]454-jesse . At that very moment , when [I]454-jesse was standing before [him]454-jesse struggling to find breath , and [he]454-jesse was looking at [me]454-jesse with that heavy frown of [his]454-jesse , it was game over . For both of [us]3492-us . Simple as that . [The road]2159-the road was rocky , the secrets dark , [his]454-jesse ways challenging . And what ’s most cruel is that [I]454-jesse had to discover all of [his]454-jesse secrets not only once , but twice . But every drop of pain and suffering each time was worth it . [He]454-jesse ’s not an enigma to [me]454-jesse anymore . Has n’t been for a long time . [He]454-jesse ’s [[my]454-jesse husband]454-jesse , the most devoted , adoring , gorgeous example of [a man]2143-uncle carmichael [any woman]3495-any woman could hope to have . Except [any other woman]3496-any other woman can carry on hoping , because [this one]3208-this one , [this man]2143-uncle carmichael , [he]2143-uncle carmichael ’s [mine]454-jesse . [I]454-jesse smile the smile only [he]2143-uncle carmichael can draw from [me]454-jesse . It ’s one filled with love of the perfect kind . Because [he]2143-uncle carmichael ’s [mine]454-jesse . [I]454-jesse ’ll always be with [this man]2143-uncle carmichael . * * * [Jesse]454-jesse[454-jesse] [I]0-i love [you]0-i , [I]0-i mouth as [she]0-i gazes across [the kitchen]228-the kitchen at [me]0-i , looking at [me]0-i in the exact same way [she]0-i looked at [me]0-i the first time [she]0-i set eyes on [me]0-i . With lust . With awe . [She]0-i ’s looked at [me]0-i in that way every single day of [our]3499-our lives together . Well , almost every single day . The accident , [her]0-i temporarily lost memories , was just a blip on the horizon of [my]0-i happiness . Yet at the time , it felt like the end of [my]0-i world . [I]0-i should have known that [our]3499-our love would prevail in the end . And now [I]0-i really do know that [we]3499-our ’re unbreakable . Smiling that smile that sets [my]0-i insides alight , [she]0-i kisses the air toward [me]0-i before returning [her]0-i attention back to [the girls]2069-the girls . “[0-i] So , the boobs ? [Sam]50-sam asks , tapping the top of [my]50-sam bottle with [his]50-sam , winning [my]50-sam attention . “[50-sam] [Sam]50-sam . [Drew]53-drew punches [his]50-sam bicep . “[50-sam] Why ’d [you]50-sam have to do it , ah ? ” “[50-sam] Just asking . [He]50-sam grins around the lip of [his]50-sam bottle , [his]50-sam always smiling eyes not letting [him]50-sam down . “[50-sam] Just asking for [me]0-i to nut [you]50-sam ? [I]50-sam quip , yet somewhere close to serious , and [he]50-sam knows it . “[50-sam] There are no boobs beyond what ’s already there . [She]0-i can get that stupid idea right out of [her]0-i head . “[50-sam] And what ’s there is perfect . [I]50-sam clink [their]3501-their bottles . “[50-sam] To [that motherfucker John]1939-that motherfucker john . ” “[50-sam] [The motherfucker John]1939-that motherfucker john . [They]3501-their laugh , pulling one from [me]1939-that motherfucker john as [I]1939-that motherfucker john head for [the garden]2075-the garden , stopping at the back door and looking across the grass . “[1939-that motherfucker john] It ’s like a fucking crèche , [I]0-i mutter , sounding exasperated at the sight of all [the kids]2010-the kids , though [I]0-i ’m really not . [Elsie]32-mum has [them]2010-the kids all lying on [their]2010-the kids backs , legs in the air . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m off to smack a few balls over the net with [Jacob]60-jacob . [Drew]53-drew swipes [[my]0-i boy]60-jacob ’s racket from [his]60-jacob hand and jogs off to the court with [Jacob]60-jacob running after [him]60-jacob , shouting for [his]60-jacob magic racket back . “[0-i] Suppose [I]0-i better go show [them]1940-them how it ’s done . [Sam]50-sam rolls [his]50-sam eyes like it ’s an inconvenience . “[0-i] Coming ? ” “[0-i] No , [I]0-i ’m waiting for [some more guests]1941-some more guests . ” Just as [I]454-jesse say it , the doorbell rings , and [I]454-jesse dart back into [the house]536-the hall before [Ava]238-ava can beat [me]454-jesse to it . [I]454-jesse meet [her]238-ava in [the hall]536-the hall . [She]238-ava ’s ahead of [me]454-jesse , but a quick , sneaky grab of [her]238-ava wrist and a yank back puts [me]454-jesse in front . [She]238-ava knew [I]454-jesse ’d be lurking , waiting to pounce . “[454-jesse] [Jesse]454-jesse , do n’t [you]454-jesse upset [Maddie]26-maddie , [Ava]238-ava warns , knowing [my]26-maddie game . [I]26-maddie slap on [[my]26-maddie killer]3505-my killer smile and flash it at [[my]26-maddie wife]238-ava before swinging the door open . But it drops when [I]26-maddie find [a young girl]3506-a young girl . Oh . [I]26-maddie have n’t a speech planned for [[Jacob]60-jacob ’s friend]3506-a young girl . Not one that wo n’t make [her]3506-a young girl cry , anyway . “[26-maddie] Hello , [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward . [Clarita]174-clarita dazzles [me]57-mr. ward with a smile full of personality . “[57-mr. ward] Hi . [I]57-mr. ward open the door wider and let [her]3506-a young girl in . [I]57-mr. ward ’m handing this one over to [[my]57-mr. ward wife]238-ava . Smiling at [Ava]238-ava , [I]57-mr. ward nod to [Clarita]174-clarita ’s back as [she]238-ava approaches . Let ’s see how [she]238-ava welcomes [this new woman]238-ava into [[her]238-ava darling boy]3507-her darling boy ’s life . “[57-mr. ward] Over to [you]57-mr. ward , [I]57-mr. ward quip . [Her]238-ava scowl is barely contained . “[57-mr. ward] Hi , [Clarita]174-clarita . [Jacob]60-jacob is on [the tennis court]1942-the tennis court . Do [you]57-mr. ward want something to drink before [you]57-mr. ward head out ? ” “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m fine , thank [you]57-mr. ward . It was very nice of [you]57-mr. ward to invite [me]0-i . ” Is it [me]57-mr. ward , or is [Ava]238-ava swooning ? Yes , [she]238-ava ’s definitely swooning . What happened to [the lioness]3508-the lioness ? “[57-mr. ward] [You]57-mr. ward ’re more than welcome , [sweetheart]0-i . Help [yourself]57-mr. ward today , okay ? Drinks , food , [you]57-mr. ward name it . ” “[57-mr. ward] Why do n’t [you]57-mr. ward just ask [her]1943-her if [she]1943-her wants to stay the night , too ? [I]171-dada grumble under [my]171-dada breath as [I]171-dada shut the door , plodding back to [the garden]2075-the garden . “[171-dada] [Dada]171-dada ! [John - Boy]60-jacob spots [me]171-dada and breaks away from [the group]3082-the group , clearly fed up with yoga . “[171-dada] Hey ! [I]26-maddie scoop [him]1944-your guest into [my]26-maddie arms and let [him]1944-your guest pull at [my]26-maddie cheeks . “[26-maddie] [Maddie]26-maddie ! [Ava]238-ava calls from behind . “[26-maddie] [[Your]26-maddie guest]1944-your guest is here ! [I]26-maddie swing around so fast , [John - Boy]60-jacob starts giggling uncontrollably , obviously thinking [Daddy]26-maddie ’s playing . [I]26-maddie ’m not . Damn it , why did [I]26-maddie leave the front door ? [Ava]238-ava ’s knowing look tells [me]26-maddie [she]238-ava knows [I]26-maddie ’m mentally kicking [myself]26-maddie . [I]26-maddie needed a few moments alone with this little twerp [[my]26-maddie daughter]238-ava ’s apparently crushing on . And as [I]26-maddie think that , the little twerp comes into view , standing next to [Ava]238-ava . [My]26-maddie eyes pop out of [my]26-maddie head . Fuck [me]26-maddie , how old is [he]1944-your guest ? Panicked , [I]26-maddie look to [Ava]238-ava , searching for some backup . [I]26-maddie get nothing but a shake of [her]238-ava head . What the fuck ? [He]1944-your guest must be knocking on six foot . As [Maddie]26-maddie passes [me]26-maddie , [she]238-ava throws [me]26-maddie a look to suggest [I]26-maddie should keep [my]26-maddie mouth the hell shut . [She]238-ava can think again . [I]26-maddie watch as [she]238-ava reaches up and kisses [his]454-jesse cheek . [Good Lord]3106-good lord , [someone]293-someone hold [me]26-maddie back . “[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie ’s nearly fourteen , [Jesse]454-jesse , [Ava]238-ava says to [me]454-jesse quietly when [she]26-maddie ’s made it over . “[454-jesse] Do n’t be all over the top about it . ” “[454-jesse] Why does [everyone]283-everyone insist on saying nearly fourteen ? That does n’t make [her]26-maddie fourteen , and even if it does , [she]26-maddie ’s still illegal . ” “[26-maddie] Illegal to date ? [Ava]238-ava laughs . “[26-maddie] To do everything , [I]26-maddie confirm . “[26-maddie] [She]26-maddie ’s growing up , [Jesse]454-jesse . Get over it . [She]26-maddie and [I]0-i have had the talk . [She]26-maddie ’s [a sensible girl]26-maddie . [My]26-maddie body starts twitching uncontrollably as [I]26-maddie stare at [[my]26-maddie wife]26-maddie in horror . “[26-maddie] The talk ? ” Please , [God]373-god , tell [me]26-maddie [Ava]238-ava ’s not going to say what [I]26-maddie think [she]26-maddie ’s going to say . “[26-maddie] Of course . [We]1947-we had that conversation at least a year ago . [John - Boy]60-jacob ’s vibrating in [my]1947-we arms now , so much so , [Ava]238-ava must think [I]1947-we ’m going to drop [him]1949-i because [she]26-maddie takes [him]1949-i from [me]1947-we . “[1947-we] [You]1948-you need to calm down , [she]26-maddie warns . Fuck that ! “[1948-you] If [you]1948-you and [Maddie]26-maddie have had the talk , it ’s only right [me]0-i and … what ’s [his]1949-i name ? ” “[176-lonny] [Lonny]176-lonny . ” “[176-lonny] [Lonny]176-lonny ? [I]176-lonny question . “[176-lonny] What the fucking hell kind of name is that ? [[His]1949-i parents]2037-his parents must be [morons]1951-morons , too . [I]1949-i sink the rest of [my]1949-i beer , eyeing up [the little fucker]3513-the little fucker . “[1949-i] How old is [he]1949-i ? ” “[1949-i] Fourteen . ” “[1949-i] Give [me]0-i a break . [I]1949-i laugh . “[1949-i] [He]1949-i must be lying . [He]1949-i ’s at least twenty . ” “[1949-i] Oh , for [God]373-god ’s sake . [Ava]238-ava smacks [my]1949-i arm . “[1949-i] Stop being dramatic . [I]1949-i see [Ava]238-ava in the corner of [my]1949-i eye wandering off across the grass . Dramatic ? [I]1949-i do n’t think [I]1949-i am . [Me]1949-i and [Lonny]176-lonny need to have a chat . [My]1949-i shoulders back , [I]1949-i wander over to [Maddie]26-maddie and [Lonny]176-lonny , seeing with perfect clarity the warning in [[my]1949-i baby girl]1130-my baby girl ’s eyes . And also the worry , because [she]1130-my baby girl knows [I]1949-i ’m not interested in heeding [her]1130-my baby girl warning . “[1949-i] Hi . [My]57-mr. ward voice is low and rough , just as [I]57-mr. ward intended . Manly . [Lonny]176-lonny smiles at [me]57-mr. ward . “[57-mr. ward] [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward , nice to meet [you]57-mr. ward . [I]57-mr. ward recoil . [I]57-mr. ward ca n’t help it . Has [he]57-mr. ward got a vise on [his]57-mr. ward balls ? [His]57-mr. ward squeaky voice does n’t match [his]57-mr. ward height . Maybe the shit really is fourteen . [I]57-mr. ward look down at [his]57-mr. ward offered hand , [my]57-mr. ward eyebrows rising . [Let]81-let ’s see if [his]57-mr. ward handshake is [any manlier]3515-any manlier . [I]57-mr. ward clasp it hard , immediately disappointed when [he]57-mr. ward flinches in pain . [I]57-mr. ward smile on the inside . “[57-mr. ward] Let ’s take a walk , [Lonny]176-lonny . ” “[176-lonny] No , [Dad]1256-dad . [Maddie]26-maddie dives in front of [me]1256-dad , like [[her]26-maddie little girlie figure]3516-her little girlie figure might stop [me]1256-dad . [A fucking bulldozer]3517-a fucking bulldozer would n’t stop [me]1256-dad . “[1256-dad] [I]0-i just want to chat with [him]1256-dad . [I]1256-dad appease [her]26-maddie , knowing [I]1256-dad ’m wasting [my]1256-dad time . “[1256-dad] [You]1256-dad want to chat , do n’t [you]1256-dad , [Lonny]176-lonny ? ” “[1256-dad] Y - yes , [sir]1256-dad . [He]1256-dad looks afraid . [He]1256-dad should . Be very afraid , [Lonny]176-lonny . “[1256-dad] See ? [I]1256-dad sweep [my]1256-dad arm out in gesture for [him]1256-dad to lead on , blinding [him]1256-dad with the smile [I]1256-dad usually only reserve for [[my]1256-dad babies]2508-the baby . It falls the moment [Ava]238-ava shoves [John - Boy]60-jacob in [my]1256-dad arms . Oh , [she]238-ava ’s cunning . [I]1256-dad ca n’t very well trample when [I]1256-dad ’m holding [the baby]2508-the baby . [John - Boy]60-jacob does n’t help [my]1256-dad cause of trying to appear threatening when [he]1256-dad grabs [my]1256-dad stubbly cheeks and squeezes [them]2508-the baby . [Lonny]176-lonny laughs . [I]1256-dad do not . “[1256-dad] Let ’s walk , [I]1256-dad tell [him]1256-dad , nodding down the path to the swing bench , [the most secluded place in [the garden]2075-the garden]1953-the most secluded place in the garden . Stuffing [his]1256-dad hands in the pockets of [his]1256-dad jeans , [he]1256-dad walks on and [I]1256-dad follow , eyeballing [him]1256-dad the entire way . “[1256-dad] [You]1952-you have [a lovely home]1953-the most secluded place in the garden , [Jesse]454-jesse . [He]1256-dad smiles at [me]454-jesse , and [I]454-jesse raise [my]454-jesse brows . “[454-jesse] [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward , [he]1256-dad corrects [himself]1256-dad , very wisely . The little suck - up . So , it ’s compliments all the way , is it ? [My]57-mr. ward eyes narrow on [him]1256-dad as [we]3520-we stroll , and [he]1256-dad quickly darts [his]1256-dad gaze to [his]1256-dad feet , taking one hand to [his]1256-dad hair and running it through nervously . [I]57-mr. ward wo n’t ever admit it out loud , but [he]1256-dad ’s [a good - looking little fucker]1893-a good - looking little fucker . [I]57-mr. ward can see why [[my]57-mr. ward girl]245-my girl is crushing on [him]1256-dad . “[57-mr. ward] Tell [me]0-i about [your]0-i grades . [He]1256-dad might carry the looks and , apparently , the charm , but it ’s all a waste if [the kid]1256-dad ’s an underachiever . [[My]0-i girl]245-my girl is bright . [She]245-my girl needs [someone]293-someone to equal that . “[0-i] [My]0-i grades ? [he]1256-dad asks , a little hesitantly , and [I]0-i nod . Though [my]0-i prompt does n’t push [him]1256-dad to go on , [his]1256-dad cheeks filling with a bit of color . It ’s as [I]0-i thought . [He]1256-dad ’s a reject . “[0-i] [I]0-i ’m top of some of [my]0-i classes , [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward . ” Oh . Do [I]57-mr. ward have a compulsive liar on [my]57-mr. ward hands ? “[57-mr. ward] What classes ? [He]1256-dad smiles , awkward . “[1954-them] All of [them]1954-them . ” Oh . “[1954-them] [My]0-i favorite is maths , though . And science . [I]0-i ’d like to be [a physician]1955-a physician someday . [He]1256-dad sighs . “[0-i] But the university fees are steep . [He]1256-dad blows out [his]1256-dad cheeks , and [I]0-i conclude on the spot that [[his]1256-dad parents]2037-his parents must be a little hard up . “[0-i] Who knows , [I]0-i might win the scholarship [I]0-i ’m hoping for . It ’d be real cool if [I]0-i won that place at [Oxford]21-oxford . [Oxford]21-oxford ? [The boy]1256-dad dreams big , and as [I]0-i watch [him]1256-dad , scuffing [his]1256-dad feet as [he]1256-dad ambles on beside [me]0-i , [I]0-i ca n’t help but think of [[my]0-i brother]2431-my brother . [He]1256-dad was ambitious , too , full of dreams and determination to make [them]3526-them happen . [I]0-i flinch a little with the unexpected thought . “[0-i] Here , sit , [I]0-i tell [him]1256-dad , pointing to the cushion on the bench as [I]0-i settle and sit [John - Boy]60-jacob on [my]0-i lap . [I]0-i do n’t need to rock the swing . [Lonny]176-lonny ’s long legs take care of that for [me]0-i . “[0-i] How ’d [you]1956-you meet [Maddie]26-maddie ? [I]1957-mates ask , probably too shortly . “[1957-mates] [Me]0-i and [Jacob]60-jacob are [mates]1957-mates . ” Oh , [I]1957-mates see . Worming [his]1256-dad way into the affections of [[his]1256-dad mate ’s sister]3527-his mate ’s sister . The conniving shit . “[1957-mates] [[Your]0-i mum]513-your mum ’s told [you]0-i it ’s illegal to kiss until [you]0-i ’re thirty , right ? [He]1256-dad glances up at [me]1957-mates , alarmed . “[1957-mates] It is ? ” “[1957-mates] Oh , yeah , it is . [The poor kid]1256-dad looks terrified . Good . [I]1957-mates put [John - Boy]60-jacob on [his]1256-dad feet on [my]1957-mates knees when [he]1256-dad starts getting restless and yelling at [Lonny]176-lonny . “[1957-mates] And [[your]0-i dad]1571-a dad ’s told [you]0-i about the birds and the bees , right ? [I]1957-mates ’m completely unprepared for the wash of sadness that passes over [his]1256-dad face , [his]1256-dad eyes dropping to [his]1256-dad swinging feet . Shit , what did [I]1957-mates say ? “[1957-mates] [I]0-i do n’t have [a dad]1571-a dad , [sir]1571-a dad . ” “[1571-a dad] Of course [you]0-i do . [I]283-everyone laugh . “[283-everyone] [Everyone]283-everyone has [a dad]1571-a dad . ” “[1961-mine] [Mine]1961-mine walked out on [[my]0-i mum]2281-my mum when [I]0-i was eighteen months old . Have n’t seen [him]1571-a dad since . [He]1571-a dad shrugs , like it ’s no biggie , and [I]1571-a dad die on the inside . Really die . [I]1571-a dad ’m a twat . “[1571-a dad] [I]0-i looked [him]1571-a dad up last year , but [he]1571-a dad was n’t interested . So it ’s just [me]0-i and [Mum]32-mum . [I]32-mum want to punch [myself]32-mum in [my]32-mum stupid face , and [I]32-mum ’m pretty sure [Ava]238-ava would if [she]238-ava knew [I]32-mum ’d just put [my]32-mum big foot in it . [I]32-mum cast [my]32-mum eyes to [[John]60-jacob - Boy , who ’s dancing on [my]32-mum lap]60-jacob , talking a load of gibberish as [he]1571-a dad claps [his]1571-a dad hands and yells at [Lonny]176-lonny . Eighteen months . [John - Boy]60-jacob ’s age . Unexpected anger rises from [my]32-mum toes and burns [my]32-mum insides . [He]1571-a dad walked out on [[his]1571-a dad boy]60-jacob ? So who ’s guided [him]1571-a dad [his]1571-a dad whole life ? Who took [him]1571-a dad football training and to [his]1571-a dad first match ? “[32-mum] [You]1963-you do n’t need [a man like that in [your]1963-you life]1964-a man like that in your life , [I]1963-you tell [him]1964-a man like that in your life , overwhelmed by the respect [I]1963-you have for [this kid]60-jacob now . “[1963-you] [You]1963-you ’re doing fine without [him]1964-a man like that in your life , anyway . [The kid]60-jacob has Oxford in [his]1964-a man like that in your life dreams , and something deep , and oddly proud , tells [me]1963-you [he]1964-a man like that in your life ’ll make it there , too . “[1963-you] Dream big , fight hard . [Lonny]176-lonny says it quietly , [his]176-lonny gaze staring off into the distance , as [I]1963-you stare at [him]1964-a man like that in your life , astounded by [his]1964-a man like that in your life attitude . “[1963-you] Make things happen . [He]1964-a man like that in your life looks at [me]1963-you and smiles . “[1963-you] [You]1963-you have to go for what [you]1963-you want and take it . ” “[1963-you] [I]0-i could n’t agree more , [I]60-jacob murmur , wondering if [his]1964-a man like that in your life philosophy applies to [[my]60-jacob daughter]238-ava , too . [I]60-jacob wonder where [my]60-jacob fight is , [my]60-jacob desire to scare [this kid]60-jacob off . It ’s gone . “[60-jacob] [He]60-jacob ’s so cute . [Lonny]176-lonny takes [John - Boy]60-jacob ’s hand and lets [him]60-jacob yank and pull at it while [both of [them]2242-both of them]2242-both of them laugh . “[60-jacob] Of course [he]60-jacob is . [He]60-jacob ’s [mine]1966-mine . [I]60-jacob flip [Lonny]176-lonny a wink when [he]60-jacob glances at [me]60-jacob . [I]60-jacob ’m done interrogating [the boy]60-jacob . “[60-jacob] [You]1967-you go find [Maddie]26-maddie . ” “[60-jacob] Actually , [I]0-i would n’t mind having a game of tennis with [Jacob]60-jacob . [He]60-jacob frowns , looking back toward [the house]2056-the house , where , no doubt , [Maddie]26-maddie is in [[her]26-maddie mum]424-elizabeth ’s earhole nagging about [my]60-jacob trampling ways . [She]26-maddie need n’t worry . [This kid]60-jacob has trampled [me]60-jacob , it seems . Looking back at [me]60-jacob , [Lonny]176-lonny ’s lips straighten . “[60-jacob] But [I]0-i do n’t think [Maddie]26-maddie will be very pleased . [I]26-maddie laugh and stand , setting [John - Boy]60-jacob on [his]176-lonny feet so [he]176-lonny can walk back , jerking [my]26-maddie head for [Lonny]176-lonny to follow . “[26-maddie] Let [me]0-i give [you]1968-you some advice about [the women in [my]0-i life]1969-the women in my life , most importantly [Maddie]26-maddie . [His]176-lonny face is pleading for that advice as [we]3532-we wander back up [the path]770-the path slowly , [John - Boy]60-jacob stomping along beside [me]238-ava , [my]238-ava shoulder dropped a little so [my]238-ava hand reaches [his]176-lonny without stretching [his]176-lonny little muscles . “[238-ava] [[My]0-i daughter]238-ava is stubborn . [Lonny]176-lonny blows out [his]176-lonny cheeks , nodding . “[238-ava] Tell [me]0-i about it . ” “[238-ava] Do n’t back down . [She]238-ava ’s just like [[her]238-ava mother]247-her mother . Defiant and difficult for the sake of it . [She]238-ava ’ll have [you]373-god running in circles if [you]373-god let [her]238-ava . ” Something tells [me]238-ava [Lonny]176-lonny is already dizzy . “[238-ava] Be firm . Stand [your]373-god ground . [I]373-god give [him]176-lonny a light slap on [his]176-lonny shoulder , nodding [my]373-god affirmation . “[373-god] Yes , [sir]373-god ! [He]176-lonny beams brightly as [he]176-lonny heads off toward [the tennis courts]3534-the tennis courts to find [[his]176-lonny mate]3535-his mate . “[373-god] Thanks , [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward . [I]176-lonny smile and dip to tie the laces on [John - Boy]60-jacob ’s little Converses . “[176-lonny] [Lonny]176-lonny , [I]176-lonny call , and [he]176-lonny stops , looking back . “[176-lonny] Yes , [Mr. Ward]57-mr. ward ? ” “[57-mr. ward] [You]373-god can call [me]0-i [Jesse]454-jesse . ” Another beam , but this time no words . [He]176-lonny jogs off and disappears around the corner , and [John - Boy]60-jacob and [I]373-god continue back to [the house]2056-the house . The moment [Maddie]26-maddie sees [us]3537-us , [she]26-maddie flies over , [her]26-maddie dark eyes frantically searching for [Lonny]176-lonny . “[373-god] Where is [he]57-mr. ward ? Oh [[my]0-i God]26-maddie , did [you]26-maddie kill [him]57-mr. ward and bury [him]57-mr. ward under [the shed]1974-the shed ? [Mum]32-mum ! ” “[32-mum] Calm [[your]26-maddie knickers]1975-your knickers , [little lady]32-mum . [I]57-mr. ward continue past , [her]32-mum wide eyes following . “[57-mr. ward] [He]57-mr. ward ’s on the tennis court with [[your]26-maddie brother]1640-your brother . ” “[57-mr. ward] [He]57-mr. ward is ? [I]26-maddie see it in [her]32-mum already . Indignation . [She]32-mum looks just like [[her]32-mum mother]247-her mother as [she]32-mum huffs and goes marching off . [I]26-maddie laugh , mentally cheering [Lonny]176-lonny on in [my]26-maddie head . [She]32-mum ’s going to get a nasty surprise . “[26-maddie] Hey , [Maddie]26-maddie . [She]32-mum swings around , [her]32-mum eyes flaming . “[26-maddie] What ? ” “[57-mr. ward] [He]57-mr. ward ’s [a good kid]57-mr. ward . Do n’t be a little cow , or [he]57-mr. ward might dump [your]26-maddie stroppy arse . [Her]32-mum jaw drops open , [her]32-mum face outraged , and [I]57-mr. ward smile , getting on [my]57-mr. ward way with [John - Boy]60-jacob . “[57-mr. ward] Who are [you]26-maddie and what have [you]26-maddie done with [[my]0-i dad]2080-my dad ? [she]32-mum calls at [my]0-i back . [I]0-i do n’t answer , smiling at [Ava]238-ava when [she]32-mum approaches with curiosity rife on [her]32-mum face . [I]0-i shake [my]0-i head and swing [my]0-i arm around [her]32-mum neck . “[0-i] [I]0-i ca n’t wait until tomorrow , [I]0-i tell [her]32-mum , pulling [her]32-mum in and kissing [her]32-mum temple . “[0-i] [Me]0-i either . [Her]32-mum hands disappear under [my]171-dada T - shirt and glide over [my]171-dada skin , coming to rest over [my]171-dada heart . It ’s going crazy , thumping happily . Now it beats for [four people]3444-four people . * * * The next day … The familiar smell of the sea air fills [my]171-dada nose as [I]171-dada stand on the seashore in [my]171-dada shorts , the Mediterranean a never - ending blanket of sparkling water under the blazing sun . It ’s [John - Boy]60-jacob ’s first time in [Paradise]6-paradise , and [he]171-dada ’s mesmerized by the sand under [his]171-dada little bare feet , [his]171-dada toes constantly clawing . “[171-dada] Look , [Dada]171-dada ! [he]171-dada says , over and over , doing little dramatic gasps as [he]171-dada points to the gigantic expanse of blue water before [him]171-dada and the white sand [he]171-dada ’s standing on . “[178-gosh] [Gosh]178-gosh , [he]171-dada breathes , bewitched by [the sea]1123-the sea . “[178-gosh] Gosh , [Dada]171-dada . [My]171-dada fucking heart swells to epic proportions as [I]171-dada hold [his]171-dada hand and [Jacob]60-jacob holds [his]60-jacob other , [our]3541-our feet getting precariously close to the water . [Maddie]26-maddie is dancing in [the shallow depths]3542-the shallow depths . “[171-dada] Look , [John - Boy]60-jacob ! [She]26-maddie kicks the water and [he]60-jacob chuckles , the sound adorable . “[60-jacob] [You]60-jacob coming to play in the water ? [She]26-maddie drops to [her]26-maddie knees and holds out [her]26-maddie hands . “[60-jacob] No , [Addie]179-addie . [He]60-jacob shakes [his]60-jacob little head and turns into [Jacob]60-jacob , raising [his]60-jacob arms for [[his]60-jacob brother]60-jacob to pick [him]60-jacob up . [I]179-addie lower [my]179-addie arse to the sand as [Jacob]60-jacob lifts [him]60-jacob and sets [him]60-jacob on [his]60-jacob hip , though [John - Boy]60-jacob ’s eyes do n’t unstick [themselves]3543-themselves from the water . “[179-addie] Oh gosh , [he]60-jacob gasps again , pointing out past [Maddie]26-maddie . “[179-addie] A oat ! ” “[179-addie] Yes , [a boat]1979-a boat ! [I]179-addie sing , clapping [my]179-addie hands at [him]60-jacob , making [him]60-jacob jig excitedly in [Jacob]60-jacob ’s arms . “[179-addie] Oh , here ’s [Mum]32-mum . [Maddie]26-maddie jumps up and frantically brushes the wet sand from [her]32-mum body . “[32-mum] Quick , [Dad]1256-dad ! [Her]32-mum hands flap at [me]1256-dad , hurrying [me]1256-dad to [my]1256-dad feet . “[1256-dad] [You]1256-dad ready , [guys]1437-guys ? [I]1437-guys ask , pulling [my]1437-guys Wayfarers off and getting [my]1437-guys first glimpse of [her]32-mum . “[1437-guys] Fuck [me]0-i , [I]26-maddie breathe quietly as [she]32-mum comes down the steps from [the villa]3544-the villa , [her]32-mum white layered lace bikini perfect against [her]32-mum olive skin , [her]32-mum hair plaited over [her]32-mum shoulder . And [she]32-mum has a calla lily in [her]32-mum hand , just a single calla lily . [I]26-maddie smile and reach into [my]26-maddie pocket as [she]32-mum approaches . “[26-maddie] [Mrs. Ward]26-maddie , [you]26-maddie look out of [this world]198-this world . ” “[26-maddie] [You]26-maddie too . [She]32-mum holds [her]32-mum wrist out , eyebrows high , and [I]26-maddie grin , dragging the cuffs from [my]26-maddie pocket . “[26-maddie] Shackle [me]0-i , [Ward]26-maddie . [I]26-maddie do as [I]26-maddie ’m bid , snapping one over [her]32-mum wrist before securing it to [me]26-maddie . [I]26-maddie do n’t know how [she]32-mum knew [I]26-maddie ’d have [them]2010-the kids . Then again , [this woman]32-mum has always read [me]26-maddie like a book . Leaning in , [I]26-maddie push [my]26-maddie lips to [hers]32-mum . [The kids]2010-the kids do n’t say a word . Even [John - Boy]60-jacob is silent , probably staring out at the water rather than at [Mummy]77-mummy and [Daddy]26-maddie handcuffing [themselves]2010-the kids to each other . “[26-maddie] Ready ? [I]26-maddie ask [her]32-mum . “[26-maddie] Always , [she]32-mum replies , turning [us]2010-the kids toward [the kids]2010-the kids . [I]26-maddie laugh under [my]26-maddie breath when [I]26-maddie find [Jacob]60-jacob standing tall in [his]60-jacob swim shorts , a book in [his]60-jacob hands . “[26-maddie] What ’s that ? [I]26-maddie ask , bemused . “[26-maddie] A Bible . [I]0-i have to look like [I]0-i know what [I]0-i ’m doing . This is important . [He]60-jacob clears [his]60-jacob throat and looks down at the pages , drawing breath to speak . “[60-jacob] It ’s — ” “[60-jacob] Wait ! [Maddie]26-maddie yells , chasing after [John - Boy]60-jacob when [he]60-jacob decides that now [he]60-jacob ’d like to try the water . “[60-jacob] [John - Boy]60-jacob , no . [She]60-jacob lifts [him]60-jacob into [her]60-jacob arms and returns to [her]60-jacob spot . “[60-jacob] Sorry . [You]60-jacob may resume . [I]60-jacob look at [Ava]238-ava , frowning , and [she]238-ava laughs . “[60-jacob] Go on , [I]60-jacob prompt , sliding [my]60-jacob hand into [[my]60-jacob wife]26-maddie ’s . “[60-jacob] Do [you]60-jacob , [Jesse Ward]454-jesse , take [Ava Ward]238-ava to be [[your]60-jacob wedded wife]26-maddie ? [Jacob]60-jacob asks , a certain posh edge to [his]60-jacob voice . “[238-ava] To have and to hold from this day forward . To love , honor — ” “[0-i] [I]0-i thought [we]1983-we were n’t doing the official thing ? [Maddie]26-maddie interrupts , scowling at [Jacob]60-jacob . [He]60-jacob leans into [her]26-maddie , full of annoyance . “[60-jacob] [You]60-jacob ’re ruining [their]1983-we special day . ” “[60-jacob] Seriously ? [They]1983-we ’ve had , like , two already . Who gets married three times ? [She]26-maddie rolls [her]26-maddie eyes and starts bouncing [John - Boy]60-jacob when [he]60-jacob starts yelling impatiently , reaching for [[his]60-jacob new favorite friend]3546-his new favorite friend , [the Med]3546-his new favorite friend . “[0-i] [Me]0-i and [[your]0-i mum]513-your mum do , [I]0-i snap , giving [her]513-your mum a face that dares [her]513-your mum to argue . “[0-i] [You]0-i gon na argue with [me]0-i ? And before [you]0-i answer , think carefully about who will be paying for [your]0-i wedding when [you]0-i find the one . [She]513-your mum snaps [her]513-your mum mouth shut , startled , and probably pleasantly surprised , and [Ava]238-ava cocks an interested eyebrow . “[60-jacob] Get on with it , [Jacob]60-jacob , [I]1256-dad tell [him]60-jacob , before [anyone]305-anyone has the chance to ask where [The Jesse Ward]454-jesse has disappeared to . Turning to [Ava]238-ava , [I]1256-dad breathe in the salty air and wink . “[1256-dad] [Dad]1256-dad , do [you]1256-dad take [Mum]32-mum to be [[your]1256-dad wife]341-your husband ? [Jacob]60-jacob spurts out the words tiredly . “[0-i] [I]0-i do . ” “[32-mum] [Mum]32-mum , do [you]1256-dad take [Dad]1256-dad to be [[your]1256-dad husband]341-your husband ? ” “[0-i] [I]0-i do . [She]341-your husband grins at [me]0-i , yanking [my]0-i hand when [my]0-i eyes drift down to [her]341-your husband boobs straining against the white material of [her]341-your husband bikini . “[0-i] Eyes up here , [Ward]454-jesse . ” “[454-jesse] Sorry . [I]454-jesse flash [her]341-your husband [my]454-jesse roguish grin , returning [her]341-your husband gesture and yanking [her]341-your husband hand when [her]341-your husband gaze takes a casual jaunt down [my]454-jesse prime chest . “[454-jesse] Hey . ” “[454-jesse] Not sorry . [She]341-your husband chuckles , diving at [me]454-jesse , [her]341-your husband thighs trapping [me]454-jesse in [their]3548-their grasp , [her]341-your husband free arm around [my]454-jesse neck . And [her]341-your husband gorgeous lips on [mine]0-i . “[454-jesse] Do n’t ever tell [me]0-i [I]0-i ca n’t admire what ’s [mine]0-i . ” Biting [my]0-i lip , [she]341-your husband pulls back , just a fraction , so [her]341-your husband forehead rests on [mine]0-i . “[0-i] [I]0-i love [you]0-i , [Jesse Ward]454-jesse . ” “[454-jesse] Of course [you]0-i do . ” Resealing [our]3549-us lips , [I]0-i turn and run into the water with [her]341-your husband attached to [my]0-i front . “[0-i] [I]0-i now pronounce [[you]0-i man]586-man and [wife]26-maddie ! [Jacob]60-jacob yells at [us]3549-us , [his]60-jacob declaration only just heard over [our]3549-us laughs and the splashing water . “[26-maddie] Hey , wait for [me]0-i ! ” As soon at the water is up to [my]26-maddie waist , [I]26-maddie take [us]3549-us under , rolling [us]3549-us around , [our]3549-us bodies and limbs twisting , the moment reminiscent . Except this time [we]3549-us ’re not just [us]3549-us . [We]3549-us ’re not just [Jesse]454-jesse and [Ava]238-ava . [We]3549-us ’re not just [man]586-man and [wife]26-maddie . [We]3549-us ’re [Mum]32-mum and [Dad]1256-dad . Only when [I]26-maddie ’m unable to hold [my]26-maddie breath any longer do [I]26-maddie push [us]3549-us to the surface , gasping for air when [I]26-maddie get there . [Ava]238-ava soon reattaches [herself]238-ava to [my]26-maddie front , breathing heavily in [my]26-maddie face as [she]238-ava blinks [her]238-ava eyes open . “[26-maddie] Fuck , it ’s cold . [She]238-ava shudders in [my]26-maddie arms as [Jacob]60-jacob splashes [his]60-jacob way to [us]3549-us . “[26-maddie] Watch [your]39-your mother mouth , [I]39-your mother warn , landing [her]238-ava with a kiss before pulling the cuff off [my]39-your mother wrist and pushing [her]238-ava away from [me]39-your mother . [I]39-your mother ’m attacked from behind by [Jacob]60-jacob crawling up [my]39-your mother back until [he]60-jacob ’s standing on [my]39-your mother shoulders . “[39-your mother] Off [you]39-your mother go , [boy]39-your mother . [I]180-amateurs take [his]60-jacob ankles and launch [him]60-jacob into the air , just in time for [Maddie]26-maddie to tackle [me]180-amateurs . “[180-amateurs] [Amateurs]180-amateurs , [I]171-dada mutter , taking [her]238-ava under the arms and throwing [her]238-ava away . [She]238-ava screams , [I]171-dada laugh , looking to [the shore]3550-the shore to see [John - Boy]60-jacob standing just out of reach of [the rolling shoreline]3551-the rolling shoreline . “[171-dada] [Dada]171-dada ! [he]60-jacob yells to [me]171-dada , quite put out that [he]60-jacob ’s missing all the fun . “[171-dada] [Dada]171-dada , gosh ! [I]171-dada wipe [my]171-dada hair from [my]171-dada face as [I]171-dada trudge through the water . “[171-dada] Touch [the sea]1123-the sea , [I]171-dada tell [him]60-jacob , laughing when [his]60-jacob little head starts to shake furiously , knocking [his]60-jacob blond curls about . “[171-dada] [Dada]171-dada come get [you]171-dada ? [I]171-dada ask . “[171-dada] [Dada]171-dada ! [he]60-jacob yells , starting to pad the sand with [his]60-jacob feet , making grabby hands for [me]171-dada . [I]171-dada make it to [him]60-jacob and lift [him]60-jacob into [my]171-dada arms , [his]60-jacob little padded nappy trunks dry as a bone . “[171-dada] [You]171-dada always swim in the swimming pool at [home]201-home , [I]171-dada say , kissing [his]60-jacob hair as [I]171-dada walk back into [the water]3552-the water , the others up ahead dunking and splashing each other . “[171-dada] Hey , calm down , [guys]1437-guys . [They]1437-guys all stop with the larking around and start encouraging [John - Boy]60-jacob in , clapping and singing excitedly as [he]60-jacob starts to jerk in [my]1437-guys arms . The moment [his]60-jacob toe touches the water , [he]60-jacob gasps , and [I]1437-guys decide it ’s now or never . So [I]1437-guys quickly sink [us]3553-us in up to [our]3553-us necks . “[1437-guys] Oooh , cold , [Dada]171-dada ! [he]60-jacob moves to [my]171-dada front , clinging onto [my]171-dada neck as [he]60-jacob looks back to [the others]3554-the others , clearly desperate to join [them]3554-the others . [I]171-dada swim over as [Jacob]60-jacob climbs onto [Ava]238-ava ’s back , and as soon as [I]171-dada ’m close enough , [Maddie]26-maddie is on [mine]171-dada , cooing over [my]171-dada shoulder to [John - Boy]60-jacob , who has adopted a chimp - style hold uncannily similar to [[his]60-jacob mother]26-maddie ’s . With [Maddie]26-maddie lying on [my]171-dada back , and [John - Boy]60-jacob plastered to [my]171-dada front , [I]171-dada swim toward [Ava]238-ava until [[our]3556-our baby]1647-our baby is squished between [her]238-ava chest and [mine]171-dada , [the twins]2012-the twins dangling from [our]3556-our backs . The happiness radiating from [[my]171-dada wife]26-maddie ’s eyes is fierce , and [I]171-dada know [mine]171-dada is reflecting right back at [her]26-maddie . This moment , this precious moment , is what [any man]3559-any man should live for . And [I]171-dada do . [I]171-dada live for [them]2012-the twins . [My]171-dada heart beats to keep [me]171-dada alive for [them]2012-the twins . “[171-dada] Kiss [me]0-i , [I]0-i say to [Ava]238-ava over [John - Boy]60-jacob ’s head , reaching forward with [my]0-i spare hand and slipping it onto [her]1992-her nape , holding [his]3560-his little body to [my]0-i chest with [my]0-i other . “[0-i] And close [your]1992-her eyes . ” Smiling , [her]1992-her eyes flutter closed with [mine]0-i and [our]1993-our lips meet . [I]0-i taste nothing but love in [her]1992-her kiss . [I]0-i hear nothing but love in the sound of [the twins]2012-the twins ’ laughter . [I]0-i feel nothing but love in [John - Boy]60-jacob ’s baby skin pressed against [my]0-i chest . And [I]0-i smell nothing but love in Paradise . The only sense [I]0-i do n’t have in this perfect moment is [my]0-i vision . To see [[my]0-i beautiful family]1995-my beautiful family surrounding [me]0-i . [I]0-i do n’t need it . [I]0-i feel them . With every fiber of [my]0-i being , [I]0-i feel them . [Their]2012-the twins presence , [their]2012-the twins faces , [their]2012-the twins love , is all carved deeply into [my]0-i soul . It makes [me]0-i who [I]0-i am . [[My]0-i wife]2196-my children . [[My]0-i children]2196-my children . [Their]2196-my children love . It ’s pure bliss , [ladies]1997-ladies . Total gratification . Absolute , complete , Earth - shifting , universe - shaking love . Do n’t tell [me]0-i there ’s anything more perfect than this . [I]0-i would n’t believe [you]1998-you . End of .