Named characters

Major entities (proper, common)

FAC

62 the kitchen/the bedroom/the fridge/The hallway/the house alive with the sound of the twins from the kitchen/the pantry/that kitchen/the room/the house
60 home/the house/Home
45 the stairs/the unstable old staircase
43 the room/the spare room/Ava ’s room/her room/the small room/the family room
30 the road/the street/Our road/The road
28 here/the area/the new rooms I had built here/this very shop/our home
22 the house/The garden/the kitchen/the garden
19 the hospital/the car park of the hospital
18 the garden/the lawn
17 school

GPE

7 the city/a village/the quaint village
5 town
2 the States
2 this place
1 the community
1 the vicinity
1 the country
1 The Manor
1 the town
1 a state

LOC

19 the island
9 the world/The world
6 this world
5 the coast
4 the sea/The sea
3 earth
3 the beach
2 the planet
2 the outskirts of the city
2 this earth

PER

249 my wife/lady/My wife/my God/baby/her husband/the woman/girl/wife/woman/her daughter/Ava ’s mother/my girl/The woman/my mate/a young lady/her daddy/darling/her mother/little lady/Good girl/You bastard/dear/Drew ’s daughter/This woman/my lady/my silly wife/this lady/Your wife/your wife/My beautiful girl/My strong , feisty wife/her mum/my mother/the man who would lay down his life for her/the woman you feel/Her husband/this woman/An old friend/my uncle ’s girlfriend/This man/This man who is her husband/This man who loves her with a fierceness that ’s debilitating for both of us/That woman/Your friend/Your uncle/Your uncle ’s girlfriend who ’s in love with you/your friend/his companion/my lord/a woman/a fucking lunatic/the crazy - mad one/the woman outside my office/the woman who ’s on the threshold of her office/my annoyed wife/the most enthralling person I ’ve ever encountered/my devious wife/The friend from yoga/my daughter/a goddess/a shimmering goddess/my baby girl/my lovely wife/The sneaky little bitch/another person/your ex - wife/your dead daughter/the man she loves/a crazy woman/a fucking psychopathic , merciless woman with a fucked - up vendetta/The man/my hero/his best friend/my Lord/my superstar/a sensible girl/your wedded wife/his mother
132 my wife/baby/lady/My wife/my daughter/this woman/My lady/your husband/Her husband/the woman/My daughter/woman/Silly girl/The woman/This woman/my girl/My gorgeous wife/The man she loves/wife/Every woman/My Lord/my god/the handsomest man I ’ve ever laid eyes on/you gorgeous god/Her Lord/a young , healthy woman/the Lord/Ava ’s best friend/my mum/Your wife/The strongest woman I ’ve ever met/a kinky bitch/your wife/the only person in this world who can/this Sarah/Your friend/the woman who nearly tore us apart/The woman who whipped you/girl/the weakest man/My baby girl/your girl/The mother of my children/my children/the most passionate man I ’ve ever met/the lady of the moment/our daughter/the one who lost her memory/Ava ’s new friend/the one she ’s been doing yoga with all these weeks , having coffee and going on shopping trips with/my murderous ex - wife/sir/the baby/this new woman
132 the kids/The kids/the twins/my kids/the children from school/The twins/my children/the children/Neither of them/the girls on reception/Our family/her own children/my wife/all of them/my two/kids/children/three beautiful kids
84 baby/my wife/lady/your mother/My wife/the baby/my beautiful wife/Ava ’s best friend/my girl , who ’s now looking up at her in question/her friend/a stranger to her/Your wife/one of those people in this world who you ca n’t help but respect , even if you do n’t always agree with her/that young woman in her mind/My angel/My Ava/her mother/your fucking mother/the most handsome man I ’ve ever laid eyes on/the woman wearing it/The woman wearing it shines brighter/Kate ’s baby girl/That woman/That baby
59 the twins/The twins/the kids/your children/her parents/both of the twins/toddlers/my beautiful wife/my beautiful children
46 my husband/My husband/this man/lady/The man/baby/a husband/a man I do not know/someone/your husband/that man/a silly man/dear/a dad/A husband/a quiet John - Boy/The man who ’s given me three beautiful kids
44 the doctor/The doctor/Doctor
43 darling/Ava ’s mother/my wife/your mother/this woman/my mother/his mum/Your mother/The girl/my little girl/our mum/my girl/her daughter/the woman/a new woman/You bastard/a girl/a boy/the grandson of some friends/this boy/boy/Dad/Good girl/their mum/her new brother/a breast man/little lady
40 my boy/his uncle/his brother/girl/baby/boy/you bastard/this kid/My boy/My beautiful , laid - back boy/His brother/that man of yours/dear/his lady friend/my baby/buddy/my fucking hero/a good man/a John/a goner/my new baby boy/his daddy/his son/his boy/The kid/the boy/This kid
37 your dad/my boy/My boy/her brother/a boy/The kid/your boy/mate/her husband/My father/buddy/her boy/an alarmed Jacob/My gorgeous , sweet , thoughtful boy/sweet , thoughtful boy/A boy/my baby boy

ORG

2 The club
1 the damn health club
1 a company called Rococo Union
1 my own design company
1 the maternity unit

VEH

44 the car/your car/Drew ’s car/Whose car
17 my car/the car/your car
7 an ambulance/An ambulance
6 the ambulance
6 cars/the cars/Bikes/dangerous machines
6 the bike
5 my bike
4 Rowing boats/rowing boats
3 a taxi
3 my stolen car/the car

Text

Chapter 1 The pounding of [my]_0-i feet on [the treadmill]_{181-the treadmill} is rhythmic and comforting . The sound of Imagine [Dragons]_22-dragons ’ “ Believer ”_[22-dragons] on [my]_0-i iPhone is muffled by the pulse throbbing in [my]_0-i ears . The hammering of [my]_0-i heart tells [me]_0-i [I]_0-i ’m alive . Not that [I]_0-i need to run until [I]_0-i ca n’t feel [my]_0-i legs to achieve that anymore . [My]_0-i pace increases , [my]_0-i breath beginning to become labored as [my]_0-i run turns into a sprint . Sweat is pouring down [my]_0-i bare chest as [I]_0-i watch the clock across [the gym]_{182-the gym} , eyeing the second hand slowly roll around the dial . Two more minutes . Keep the pace for two more minutes . Yet when the time has ticked down and the machine automatically starts to slow , [my]_0-i legs do not . [I]_0-i smack [my]_0-i hand on the plus button to increase the pace again , [my]_0-i ego refusing to let [me]_0-i stop just yet . One more mile . [I]_0-i crank up the volume and sprint on for a while longer , pushing air steadily through [my]_0-i nose , roughly wiping away the sweat rolling down [my]_0-i forehead . Glancing down at the screen on [the treadmill]_{181-the treadmill} , [I]_0-i note [my]_0-i distance . Fifteen miles . Done . [I]_0-i slam [my]_0-i fist on the button and let the machine work [me]_0-i down to a gentle jog , yanking the buds out of [my]_0-i ears and grabbing [my]_0-i T - shirt to wipe [my]_0-i wet face . “ [You]_1999-you did it faster yesterday , [[you]_1999-you stubborn motherfucker]_{2000-you stubborn motherfucker} . ”_[0-i] [My]_0-i feet slow to a stop and [I]_0-i brace [my]_0-i hands on the handles , dropping [my]_0-i head while [I]_0-i work to level out [my]_0-i breathing . “ Fuck [you]_1999-you , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i manage to wheeze , turning to face one of [[my]_0-i oldest friends]_{184-my oldest friends} . [John]_23-john ’s shit - eating grin , the one that displays [his]_23-john gold tooth to its fullest , makes [me]_0-i want to knock it out . [He]_23-john chuckles , low and rumbling , throwing a towel at [my]_0-i chest . “ Still not come to terms with it , then ? ”_[23-john] Stepping down off the treadmill , [I]_0-i wipe [my]_0-i soaked chest before shoving the towel back at [him]_23-john . “ No idea what [you]_23-john ’re on about . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m lying . [I]_0-i know exactly what [the bastard]_23-john is on about , and [I]_0-i ’m sick to fucking death of being wound up about it . [I]_0-i ’m not even sure how it ’s happened — where the time has gone . Because , [Lord]_185-lord help [me]_0-i , [I]_0-i ’m fifty this weekend . Fifty fucking years old . [My]_0-i ego is dented more each time [I]_0-i think about it . [I]_0-i make [my]_0-i way over to the water cooler , [John]_23-john following behind . “ Fifty suits [you]_23-john . ”_[23-john] [I]_0-i roll [my]_0-i eyes as [I]_0-i grab a cup and shove it under the tap . “ Did [you]_23-john want something ? ”_[0-i] Another mild chuckle sounds from behind [me]_0-i as [I]_0-i glug down the water and turn to face [the smug bastard]_23-john . [I]_0-i do n’t know what [he]_23-john ’s so tickled pink about . [John]_23-john ’s knocking on sixty , though [you]_186-you ’d never know it . [He]_23-john ’s still in prime shape , not that [I]_0-i ’d ever tell [him]_23-john so . “ The new weight machines are arriving later . ”_[23-john] “ [You]_186-you good to take care of that ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ask , refilling [my]_0-i cup . “ No problem . ”_[0-i] “ Thanks . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i glance around [the gym floor of [the health club]_{188-the health club} [I]_0-i own]_{187-the gym floor of the health club i own} , the space alive with music , sweat , and pounding hearts . [Disciples]_24-disciples ’ “ Daylight ”_{[24-disciples]} is booming , adrenaline pumping , shouts of encouragement ringing out . Turns out [I]_0-i missed owning [a club]_{189-a club} after all . Not the sex and the indulgence of [The Manor]_{190-the manor} , but [the community]_{191-the community} , the social aspect , and the day - to - day running of a business . So [I]_0-i opened a new business , this one not so secret but still pretty exclusive . [JW]_25-jw ’s Fitness & Spa has gone from strength to strength since opening its doors six years ago . “ Where ’s [Ava]_238-ava ? ”_[23-john] [John]_23-john takes [my]_0-i empty cup from [my]_0-i hand and tosses it in the bin before wandering away . “ In [the office]_{192-the office} . ”_[23-john] In [the office]_{192-the office} ? A smile spreads across [my]_0-i face as [I]_0-i take off across [the gym]_{192-the office} , the thrumming of [my]_0-i pulse building again , except this time it ’s dropped into [my]_0-i shorts . [My]_0-i pace quickens , and [I]_0-i bowl into [the office]_{192-the office} , [my]_0-i plan mastered … and screech to a halt when [I]_0-i find no [Ava]_238-ava . [I]_0-i scowl at the empty space and pull [my]_0-i phone from [my]_0-i pocket , dialing [her]_238-ava as [I]_0-i stalk toward the desk . “ Hey , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava answers , sounding a bit exasperated . [I]_0-i do n’t ask why . At this moment in time , [I]_0-i ’m really not interested . “ Where are [you]_0-i ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i drop down into the chair at [her]_238-ava desk . “ In [the spa]_{2001-the spa} . ”_[0-i] “ [You]_0-i have three seconds to get [your]_0-i arse to [[your]_0-i office]_{2002-your office} , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i tell [her]_238-ava , smirking a little when [I]_0-i hear [her]_238-ava gasp . “ [I]_0-i ’m all the way across [the club]_{2003-the club} . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i shrug to [myself]_0-i . “ Three , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i whisper , kicking [my]_0-i feet up onto [her]_238-ava desk and relaxing back . “ [Jesse]_454-jesse , [I]_0-i ’m trying to sort out a disagreement between [staff]_2004-staff . ”_[0-i] “ Do n’t care . Two . ”_[0-i] “ Oh , for fuck ’s sake . ”_[0-i] [My]_0-i jaw rolls with irritation . “ [You]_454-jesse ’ll pay for that . One . ”_[238-ava] The sound of [her]_238-ava rushed steps seeps down the line , and [I]_0-i smile , victorious . “ [Ticktock]_28-ticktock , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say casually , reaching down to rearrange [my]_0-i jutting cock . “ [We]_2005-we ’re at work . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i scoff . “ Wherever , whenever . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava knows that . “ [You]_454-jesse ’re very demanding , [Jesse Ward]_454-jesse . ”_[238-ava] The huskiness of [her]_238-ava voice forces [me]_0-i to inhale , deeply and controlled . Yes , [she]_238-ava sometimes still runs away from [me]_0-i , but sometimes [she]_238-ava runs to [me]_0-i . Like now . When [she]_238-ava knows [I]_0-i ’m charged and waiting in [the office]_{192-the office} . [My]_0-i eyes fall to the door , energy surging through [me]_0-i . Come on , [baby]_194-kate . [I]_0-i hear [her]_238-ava hustling down [the corridor]_{195-the corridor} toward [the office]_{192-the office} , and then the door swings open . And there [she]_238-ava is . [[My]_0-i gorgeous wife]_238-ava . [She]_238-ava looks no different from the day [I]_0-i met [her]_238-ava . Sexy . Beautiful . The perfect mix of elegance and sass . “ Zero , [baby]_194-kate , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i murmur , cutting [our]_196-our call and tossing [my]_0-i phone on [her]_238-ava desk . A familiar shiver bumps its way up [my]_0-i spine , and [I]_0-i smile , taking in every fucking perfect inch of [her]_238-ava . [She]_238-ava places a hand on the door frame , leaning into it as [she]_238-ava chews [her]_238-ava lip , eyes full of delight . Delight at seeing [me]_0-i . [[Her]_238-ava husband]_238-ava . [The man [she]_238-ava loves]_238-ava . “ Good day ? ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava asks . “ It ’s better now , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i admit . “ Are [you]_238-ava going to make it even better ? ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava greedy stare drinks [me]_0-i in . [I]_0-i love it . [I]_0-i love how [she]_238-ava ca n’t control [her]_238-ava need to ogle [me]_0-i constantly , either . Yeah , so [I]_0-i ’m fifty this weekend . So fucking what . [I]_0-i ’ve still got it . [I]_0-i suddenly feel like the god [she]_238-ava thinks [I]_0-i am . The god [I]_0-i know [I]_0-i am . “ Well ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i prompt . [She]_238-ava knows that there ’s only one right answer to this question . [She]_238-ava shrugs , playing it cool . Such a waste of [her]_238-ava time . And [mine]_0-i . “ Do n’t play games with [me]_0-i , [lady]_238-ava . ”_[0-i] “ [You]_238-ava love [our]_2007-our games . ”_[238-ava] “ Not as much as [I]_0-i love being buried to the hilt inside [you]_238-ava . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i drop [my]_0-i feet from the desk and stand . “ [You]_238-ava ’re wasting valuable time . Come here . ”_[0-i] “ Come get [me]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava shuts the door behind [her]_238-ava and flips the lock as [I]_0-i stalk forward , [her]_238-ava eyes shining harder with each step [I]_0-i take . [Her]_238-ava body tenses , preparing for [my]_0-i attack . Every nerve ending [I]_0-i have is alive and screaming for [her]_238-ava . A swift dip and grab has [her]_238-ava over [my]_0-i shoulder , and [I]_0-i ’m on [my]_0-i way back to [the desk]_{197-the desk} . [She]_238-ava ’s laughing , [her]_238-ava palms sliding under the waistband of [my]_0-i shorts onto [my]_0-i arse . [She]_238-ava squeezes , digging [her]_238-ava nails into the flesh . “ [You]_238-ava ’re all sweaty . ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i lay [her]_238-ava on the desk and spread [myself]_0-i all over [her]_238-ava , pinning [her]_238-ava in place with one hand while sliding [her]_238-ava dress up [her]_238-ava body as [she]_238-ava wriggles defiantly . Pointlessly . “ Stop fighting [me]_0-i , [baby]_238-ava , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i warn , pulling it up over [her]_238-ava head and tossing the material aside before going for the knickers . [I]_0-i smile at the lace concealing [her]_238-ava from [me]_0-i , reaching down with [my]_0-i mouth and taking the side between [my]_0-i teeth . “ [Jesse]_454-jesse ! ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava yells , head tossing back and forth , [her]_238-ava body writhing . [I]_0-i laugh under [my]_0-i breath . The play for power never gets old . “ Who has the power ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ask , ripping the material from [her]_238-ava waist and spitting it out . “ [You]_454-jesse , [you]_454-jesse fucking control freak ! ”_[0-i] “ Watch [your]_454-jesse mouth ! ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i pull the cups of [her]_238-ava bra down and shove [my]_0-i shorts down [my]_0-i thighs , freeing [my]_0-i raging hard - on . Heavy eyes lift to [mine]_0-i as [she]_238-ava sits up , takes hold of [my]_0-i cock , and executes a deadly stroke down the shaft . [My]_0-i torso folds , the sensation of [her]_238-ava warm palm surrounding [my]_0-i flesh overwhelming . “ Fuck , [Ava]_238-ava , ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i choke out , resting [my]_0-i hands on [her]_238-ava shoulders , [my]_0-i chin dropped to [my]_0-i chest . “ [I]_0-i ’m sure [I]_0-i could chase the moon and catch it when [you]_238-ava ’re touching [me]_0-i . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m pretty sure [I]_0-i could do anything . [I]_0-i ’m invincible , indestructible . Yet [I]_0-i ’m so utterly vulnerable , too . [She]_238-ava lowers back down to the desk and arches , [her]_238-ava breathing shallow , [her]_238-ava face damp and flushed . The sight is out of [this world]_{198-this world} , the sounds magic . “ Fuck [me]_238-ava , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava demands , impatient and eager . “ Please , fuck [me]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] “ Watch [your]_238-ava mouth , [Ava]_238-ava , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i warn , taking [her]_238-ava behind the knees and yanking [her]_238-ava forward . “ [I]_0-i have every intention of fucking [you]_238-ava , [wife]_238-ava . Hard . Fast . ”_[0-i] The wonderful heat of [her]_238-ava pussy is pulling [me]_0-i in like a magnet . The burning need in [me]_0-i intensifies . “ Oh , [Jesus]_26-maddie , [baby]_26-maddie . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i bend and kiss each nipple in turn before standing and ramming forward unforgivingly , panting like a motherfucker as [she]_238-ava screams through the shock . It ’s always as good as the first time . [Her]_238-ava hands fly up over [her]_238-ava head to cling onto the side of the desk . “ Oh God ! ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i grit [my]_0-i teeth , withdrawing and driving forward . Hard . “ [Jesse]_454-jesse ! ”_[0-i] “ [You]_454-jesse like that , [lady]_454-jesse ? ”_[238-ava] “ Harder , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava demands , [her]_238-ava eyes wild . “ Remind [me]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] “ Of what ? ”_[0-i] “ Anything . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava flexes [her]_238-ava hips , egging [me]_0-i on . “ Show [me]_238-ava who has the power . ”_[238-ava] [My]_0-i smile is wide and satisfied as [I]_0-i watch [her]_238-ava waiting for [me]_0-i to do as [she]_238-ava ’s ordered . But [I]_0-i wo n’t . Not until [she]_238-ava says those three magic words . [I]_0-i abruptly stop and hold still , buried deep in [her]_238-ava warmth , waiting . “ Say it , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i breathe , dropping [my]_0-i torso to [hers]_238-ava and kissing the side of [her]_238-ava mouth . “ Give [me]_238-ava what [I]_238-ava want and [I]_238-ava ’ll give [you]_238-ava want [you]_238-ava want . ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava face turns into [mine]_0-i , catching [my]_0-i lips sweetly . “ [I]_238-ava love [you]_238-ava , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava mumbles around [our]_199-our rolling tongues . “ So much . ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i smile against [her]_238-ava lips and slowly push [myself]_0-i back up . “ Hold on , [baby]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava entire body goes rigid , bracing [herself]_238-ava for it . [I]_0-i do n’t hold back . Never will . [I]_0-i smash into [her]_238-ava with brutal force over and over , spiking constant screams of ecstasy . It ’s like music to [my]_0-i ears . But [I]_0-i want to see how much [she]_238-ava wants [me]_0-i , so [I]_0-i withdraw and place [my]_0-i palms on [her]_238-ava knees , pushing [her]_238-ava legs back , completely exposing [her]_238-ava glistening pussy . [She]_238-ava ’s throbbing . “ Fucking beautiful , ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i whisper in awe . [I]_0-i slowly reenter [her]_238-ava , dropping [my]_0-i head back and finding [my]_0-i pace , driving forward , plunging deep , rolling hard . “ Come on , [baby]_194-kate , ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i breathe , starting to sweat . “ Find it . ”_[0-i] More yells . More panting . [My]_0-i senses are in chaos . The blood that charges into [my]_0-i cock nearly knocks [me]_0-i to [my]_0-i knees , [my]_0-i grip of [Ava]_238-ava ’s legs increasing as [I]_0-i thrust on . The signs of [her]_238-ava impending orgasm are all there : wide , bright eyes and [her]_238-ava fingers clawing into the wood . [She]_238-ava ’s going , and one look down at [her]_238-ava amazing breasts has [me]_0-i going with [her]_238-ava . [My]_0-i torso tenses and convulses , a shock wave of pleasure chasing through [my]_0-i body . It ’s powerful . So fucking powerful . [I]_0-i come hard , shaking like a fucking leaf while [Ava]_238-ava moans through [her]_238-ava release , [my]_0-i fingers flexing on [her]_238-ava knees . Good . Fucking . [Lord]_200-lord . “ Shit , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava breathes , going lax , [her]_238-ava head falling to the side , [her]_238-ava eyes closing . “ Fucking hell , [Jesse]_454-jesse . ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i release [her]_238-ava knees and collapse onto [her]_238-ava , making sure [I]_0-i remain tucked inside [her]_238-ava , relishing in the consistent pulls of [her]_238-ava walls around [my]_0-i surging dick . “ Watch , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i pant . “ [Your]_454-jesse . ”_[0-i] Kissing [her]_238-ava sweaty cheek , [I]_0-i relax all of [my]_0-i weight atop of [her]_238-ava . “ Mouth . ”_[0-i] “ [You]_454-jesse ’re good . ”_[0-i] “ [I]_0-i know . ”_[0-i] “ [You]_454-jesse ’re [a pighead]_{2009-a pighead} . ”_[0-i] “ [I]_0-i know . ”_[0-i] “ [I]_0-i love [you]_454-jesse . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i snuggle into [her]_238-ava neck and sigh . “ [I]_0-i know . ”_[0-i] [Her]_238-ava arms come around [my]_0-i back and hug [me]_0-i tightly to [her]_238-ava . [I]_0-i ’m [home]_201-home . Contentment flourishes within [me]_0-i . “ [I]_0-i need to go pick [the kids]_{2010-the kids} up from [school]_2011-school . ”_[0-i] “ Hmmm … ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m unable to muster any more strength to talk , let alone move . And then there ’s a knock at the door , and [I]_0-i grumble , lazily pushing [myself]_0-i up from [her]_238-ava desk . “ Same time tomorrow ? ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava grins as [she]_238-ava wriggles off the desk and starts putting [herself]_238-ava back together , [my]_0-i pout growing with every piece of [her]_238-ava skin that [she]_238-ava ’s slowly covering . “ Coming , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava calls to the door , slipping [her]_238-ava dress over [her]_238-ava head . [I]_0-i tuck [myself]_0-i into [my]_0-i shorts and sit on the couch across [the room]_{202-the room} . “ [You]_238-ava already came . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava rolls [her]_238-ava eyes at [my]_0-i cheeky grin and rushes to the door , having a quick faff with [her]_238-ava hair before taking the handle . [She]_238-ava ’s wasting [her]_238-ava time . [Her]_238-ava cheeks are glowing , [her]_238-ava whole being looking freshly fucked . [She]_238-ava swings the door open , and [I]_0-i know immediately who ’s on the other side when [I]_0-i see [[my]_0-i wife]_238-ava ’s shoulders rise and tense . “ [Cherry]_26-maddie , ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava says flatly , turning on [her]_238-ava heel and making [her]_238-ava way back to [her]_238-ava desk . [She]_238-ava flashes [me]_0-i a look on [her]_238-ava way , one that confirms what [I]_0-i already know . [She]_238-ava does n’t like [Cherry]_26-maddie . According to [[my]_0-i wife]_238-ava , [the woman]_238-ava has the hots for [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i do n’t know why this is news to [Ava]_238-ava . [Every woman]_238-ava has the hots for [me]_0-i . “ [I]_238-ava ’m just going to get [the twins]_{2012-the twins} . ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava sweeps up [her]_238-ava bag and throws it onto [her]_238-ava shoulder . “ What ’s up ? ”_[238-ava] [Cherry]_26-maddie struts into [the office]_{192-the office} and places a file on [Ava]_238-ava ’s desk . [Her]_26-maddie blond hair is twisted tightly into a bun high on [her]_26-maddie head , and [her]_26-maddie white shirt has a few too many buttons open , in [my]_0-i opinion . [I]_0-i ’m not purposely looking . [You]_204-you just ca n’t help but notice . “ The membership reports [you]_204-you asked for . ”_[204-you] “ Perfect . [I]_238-ava ’ll look at [them]_2013-them tomorrow . ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava makes [her]_238-ava way to the door , casting [her]_238-ava eyes over to [me]_0-i where [I]_0-i ’m sprawled on the couch . “ Walk [me]_0-i out . ”_[0-i] It ’s not a question . [I]_0-i grin . [[My]_0-i wife]_238-ava ’s feeling all possessive . Getting up from the couch , [I]_0-i fetch [my]_0-i T - shirt from [Ava]_238-ava ’s desk and throw it on as [I]_0-i stride to the door . [I]_0-i do n’t [miss Cherry]_26-maddie ’s admiring stare as [I]_0-i pull the shirt down [my]_0-i torso , and neither does [[my]_0-i wife]_238-ava . “ Let ’s go . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i collect [Ava]_238-ava and get [us]_205-us on [our]_205-us way before [her]_26-maddie claws come out . “ [She]_26-maddie fancies [you]_238-ava , ”_[26-maddie] [she]_26-maddie grumbles , wrapping an arm around [my]_0-i waist . “ If [she]_26-maddie was n’t so good at [her]_26-maddie job and [I]_0-i did n’t need [her]_26-maddie so much , [she]_26-maddie ’d be gone . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i laugh . “ [She]_26-maddie ’s not done anything wrong . ”_[0-i] “ Yeah , [she]_26-maddie has . [She]_26-maddie looks at [you]_238-ava . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i tug [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie more firmly into [my]_0-i side . “ [You]_238-ava ca n’t trample staff for looking at [me]_0-i . ”_[0-i] “ What would [you]_238-ava do if [a male employee]_{2014-a male employee} looked at [me]_31-heat like that ? ”_[31-heat] [Heat]_31-heat . It ’s instant in [my]_0-i veins , and it ’s not the satisfying kind . [My]_0-i growl is automatic , and [she]_26-maddie laughs , breaking away from [me]_0-i when [we]_207-we make it to the bottom of the stairs in [the reception area]_{208-the reception area} . “ [I]_26-maddie do n’t think so , [lady]_26-maddie . ”_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i yank [her]_26-maddie back and crowd [her]_26-maddie with [my]_0-i arms . “ Do n’t say shit that will make [me]_26-maddie crazy mad . ”_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i slam [my]_0-i lips on [hers]_26-maddie and devour [her]_26-maddie for a few mind - spinning moments . “ See [you]_26-maddie at [home]_201-home . ”_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i bite [her]_26-maddie lip and pull away , smiling as [I]_0-i back up at [her]_26-maddie obvious daze . [She]_26-maddie ’s forgotten where [she]_26-maddie was heading . “ Go pick up [the kids]_{2010-the kids} , ”_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i remind [her]_26-maddie . [She]_26-maddie shakes [herself]_26-maddie back to life and glances around [the reception space]_{209-the reception space} . [No one]_{210-no one} ’s paying any attention . [They]_211-they all know how [we]_212-our operate . This is n’t just [our]_212-our normal anymore , it ’s [[our]_212-our staff]_{213-our staff} ’s normal . Has to be if [they]_211-they want to keep [their]_211-they jobs . Off [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie goes , and [I]_0-i start counting down the minutes until [I]_0-i can go [home]_201-home and see [[my]_0-i babies]_{216-my babies} . Chapter 2 As [I]_0-i ride [my]_0-i Ducati up [the long driveway of [[our]_212-our little manor]_{218-our little manor}]_{217-the long driveway of our little manor} , peace settles over [me]_0-i . [[Ava]_238-ava ’s car]_{219-ava ’s car} is in its usual place , the boot open . Coming to a stop next to [her]_238-ava Mini , [I]_0-i pull off [my]_0-i helmet and scan [the filthy vehicle]_{220-the filthy vehicle} . The black paintwork looks dusty , dull , and old . “ [You]_2017-you do n’t see dust on white , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i mutter to [myself]_0-i . “ And [you]_2017-you can get more shopping bags into [a Range Rover]_{2018-a range rover} . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i may have forced [the biggest , sturdiest vehicle on [her]_238-ava one time]_{221-the biggest , sturdiest vehicle on her one time} , but [she]_238-ava finally talked [me]_0-i around and got [her]_238-ava faithful Mini back . [Ava]_238-ava appears at the front door , [her]_238-ava steps faltering when [she]_238-ava spots [me]_0-i by [[my]_0-i bike]_{222-my bike} . Holding [her]_238-ava dark chocolate gaze , [I]_0-i rest [my]_0-i arse on the seat and [my]_0-i helmet on [my]_0-i lap , crossing [my]_0-i legs at the ankles . Well , is n’t this the best welcome [home]_201-home [a man]_{224-a man} could ask for ? [I]_0-i take [my]_0-i time to admire [her]_238-ava . [She]_238-ava still looks freshly fucked . “ [[My]_238-ava lady]_238-ava , ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i say , [my]_0-i tone automatically gravelly . [She]_238-ava brushes [her]_238-ava hair over [her]_238-ava shoulder . “ [[My]_238-ava Lord]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i find [myself]_0-i shifting to adjust [my]_0-i growing hard - on behind the fly of [my]_0-i leathers . [Her]_238-ava restrained grin tells [me]_0-i [she]_238-ava knows of the activity [she]_238-ava ’s spiked down there , and for a moment [I]_0-i consider once again how [[my]_0-i wife]_238-ava must feel to know that [she]_238-ava still , twelve years after [we]_225-we met , has this profound effect on [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i ca n’t get enough of [her]_238-ava . [She]_238-ava sashays slowly down the steps , watching [me]_0-i closely until [she]_238-ava gets to the rear of [[her]_238-ava car]_{226-her car} . Then [she]_238-ava reaches in , accentuating the swell of [her]_238-ava curvy arse , and pulls out a Tesco bag . “ Put the bag down , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i tell [her]_238-ava . “ Stop being so demanding . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava feigns a sigh and swivels on [her]_238-ava heels , swaying [her]_238-ava arse as [she]_238-ava saunters up the steps with the shopping bag hanging from [her]_238-ava fingers . “ [I]_238-ava have [[your]_238-ava children]_{2019-your children} to feed . ”_[238-ava] “ And [I]_0-i have needs , [lady]_238-ava , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i call , dumping [my]_0-i helmet on the seat of [[my]_0-i bike]_{222-my bike} and going in pursuit of [her]_238-ava . “ [Ava]_238-ava ! ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i hear [her]_238-ava laugh as [she]_238-ava disappears through the doorway , and when [I]_0-i land in [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} , [I]_0-i find [her]_238-ava standing with the bag at [her]_238-ava feet . [I]_0-i pull to a stop and watch as [she]_238-ava bends down slowly , seductively , and pulls some items from the bag . [I]_0-i grin when [she]_238-ava waggles a cheeky eyebrow at [me]_0-i and flashes two jars of peanut butter . “ [I]_238-ava might let [you]_238-ava lick it off [me]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] “ Might let [me]_0-i ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i laugh , amused by [her]_238-ava coyness . “ [Ava]_238-ava , [you]_238-ava ’ve been married to [me]_0-i for over a decade . Have n’t [you]_238-ava learned yet ? ”_[0-i] “ [I]_238-ava have the power , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava whispers , sliding the jars onto the worktop and pouting [her]_238-ava full lips . [I]_0-i find [myself]_0-i doubling over to stop [my]_0-i cock from breaking free of [my]_0-i leathers . “ [Ava]_238-ava , unless now is a good time to bend [you]_238-ava over the worktop and fuck [you]_238-ava blind , do n’t be teasing [me]_26-maddie . ”_[26-maddie] [Jesus]_26-maddie , [I]_0-i ’ve had to control where [I]_0-i can take [her]_238-ava since [the twins]_{2012-the twins} were born . [My]_0-i willpower is wearing thin . Maybe it ’s [my]_0-i age . [I]_0-i shake that thought quickly away before it has a chance to ruin [my]_0-i mood . “ [You]_238-ava need to talk to [Maddie]_26-maddie . ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava ’s statement comes from nowhere . [I]_0-i scoff . Nope . No way , because [I]_0-i know exactly what [[my]_0-i eleven - year - old daughter]_{230-my eleven - year - old daughter} wants to talk about . “ [I]_{230-my eleven - year - old daughter} ’m not going over it again , [Ava]_238-ava . End of . ”_{[230-my eleven - year - old daughter]} “ [You]_238-ava need to learn how to deal with [her]_238-ava before [she]_238-ava divorces [us]_2020-us . ”_[0-i] “ [I]_0-i know how to deal with [her]_238-ava . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i cough indignantly . “ Locking [her]_238-ava in [[her]_238-ava room]_{2021-her room} is n’t dealing with [her]_238-ava . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i scowl . “ Do n’t exaggerate . ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava laughs . It ’s condescending . [She]_238-ava better wind [her]_238-ava neck in or [she]_238-ava ’ll be heading for a Retribution Fuck . “ [You]_0-i threatened it just the other day . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ca n’t believe that [I]_0-i have to explain [myself]_0-i for the hundredth time . “ [Ava]_238-ava , [she]_238-ava had on a pair of denim shorts that would have fit a Barbie doll . And [she]_238-ava plans on going to the school party in [them]_2022-them ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i laugh at the thought . “ It is n’t happening . Not while [I]_0-i ’m alive . ”_[0-i] [[My]_0-i wife]_26-maddie rolls [her]_26-maddie eyes . “ [They]_2022-them were n’t that bad . ”_[0-i] “ [She]_26-maddie ’s eleven ! ”_[26-maddie] “ [She]_26-maddie ’s becoming [a young lady]_26-maddie . ”_[0-i] “ [She]_26-maddie ’s becoming a pain in [my]_{232-a bigger one} fucking arse , that ’s what [she]_26-maddie ’s becoming . ”_{[232-a bigger one]} Or [a bigger one]_{232-a bigger one} . “ [You]_238-ava ’re being way over the top , [Jesse]_454-jesse . ”_{[232-a bigger one]} Over the top ? [I]_0-i do n’t think [I]_0-i am at all . “ [Ava]_238-ava , last week when [I]_0-i picked [her]_238-ava up , [some dirty little pervert]_{2023-some dirty little pervert} was practically drooling over [her]_238-ava as [she]_238-ava walked from [the school gates]_{2024-the school gates} to [[my]_0-i car]_{235-my car} . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i feel the blood begin to boil in [my]_0-i veins , just recalling the incident . Had [a fucking traffic warden]_{233-a fucking traffic warden} not moved [me]_0-i from [the restricted parking zone]_{234-the restricted parking zone} , [I]_0-i would have been out of [[my]_0-i car]_{235-my car} and across [the street]_{236-the street} faster than [a roadrunner]_{237-a roadrunner} . [She]_238-ava smirks at [me]_0-i . “ [A dirty little pervert]_{2023-some dirty little pervert} ? ”_[238-ava] “ Yes . [He]_{2023-some dirty little pervert} ’s lucky [I]_238-ava did n’t shove [his]_{2023-some dirty little pervert} head down [his]_{2023-some dirty little pervert} pants so [he]_{2023-some dirty little pervert} could n’t ogle [[my]_238-ava daughter]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] “ And how old was [this dirty little pervert]_{2023-some dirty little pervert} ? ”_[238-ava] “ [I]_0-i do n’t know . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i brush [her]_238-ava question aside , knowing exactly where [we]_239-we ’re heading here . “ [I]_238-ava do . ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava laughs again , half - amused , half - exasperated . “ [He]_{2023-some dirty little pervert} ’s eleven , [Jesse]_454-jesse . Just like [Maddie]_26-maddie . [His]_{2023-some dirty little pervert} name is [Kyle]_33-kyle and [he]_{2023-some dirty little pervert} ’s in [Maddie]_26-maddie ’s class . [He]_{2023-some dirty little pervert} has a crush , that ’s all . ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i snort and head for the fridge . “ [He]_{2023-some dirty little pervert} ’s [a pervert]_{2025-a pervert} , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i state with utter finality , daring [her]_238-ava to continue the discussion as [I]_0-i rummage through the top shelf looking for [my]_0-i Sun - Pat peanut butter . But [I]_0-i should know [my]_0-i defiant little temptress by now . And [she]_238-ava dares to continue . “ [Jacob]_60-jacob has a crush on [a girl]_{2026-a girl} , ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava says casually . [I]_0-i turn away from the fridge , seeing [her]_238-ava collecting the jars of peanut butter off the counter and moving over to the cupboard . [[My]_0-i boy]_{240-my boy} has a crush ? The only crush [he]_{240-my boy} has that [I]_0-i know of is a crush on football . [The kid]_{240-my boy} ’s mad for it . “ Does that make [[your]_2027-you boy]_{240-my boy} [a pervert]_{2025-a pervert} ? ”_{[240-my boy]} [My]_0-i lips twist as [I]_0-i return to the fridge and continue searching for [my]_0-i comfort food . “ Why are [you]_2027-you doing this ? ”_[0-i] “ Because [[our]_2029-our children]_{2030-our children} are growing up and [you]_2027-you need to let [them]_{2030-our children} do that . [Maddie]_26-maddie ’s going to the school party , and [you]_2027-you are not chaperoning [her]_26-maddie . It is n’t cool to take [[your]_2027-you dad]_{240-my boy} . ”_{[240-my boy]} “ [She]_26-maddie is n’t damn well going without [me]_0-i , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i snap , slamming the fridge door . “ Where ’s [my]_0-i fucking [Sun - Pat]_{35-sun - pat} ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i swing around and find [[my]_0-i wife]_238-ava holding out a new jar , [her]_238-ava eyebrows high and knowing . [I]_0-i swipe it from [her]_238-ava grasp without so much as a thank - [you]_242-you and whip off the lid . [My]_0-i finger goes in , sweeps around the edge , and [I]_0-i plunge the big dollop into [my]_0-i mouth , still scowling at [[my]_0-i wife]_238-ava , who is now shaking [her]_238-ava head in dismay . [She]_238-ava can shake [her]_238-ava head all [she]_238-ava likes . [[My]_0-i daughter]_238-ava is n’t going to the school party without [me]_0-i , and [she]_238-ava definitely is n’t going in those denim shorts . “ Where is [Maddie]_26-maddie , anyway ? ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i ask [Ava]_238-ava ’s back , not missing the opportunity to relish the sight of [her]_238-ava arse . That arse . [I]_0-i want to bite it . “ [She]_238-ava ’s waiting for [[her]_238-ava daddy]_26-maddie to get [home]_201-home so [she]_238-ava can butter [him]_1256-dad up . ”_[0-i] “ Butter [me]_26-maddie up how ? ”_[26-maddie] “ [Daddy]_26-maddie ! ”_[26-maddie] [Maddie]_26-maddie ’s squeal of delight — a totally fake squeal , it should be noted — stops [my]_0-i questioning in its tracks . Oh no . [She]_238-ava called [me]_0-i [Daddy]_26-maddie . Not [Dad]_1256-dad . [I]_0-i just know the puppy - dog eyes are coming . [I]_0-i do the wisest thing [I]_0-i can . [I]_0-i put down [my]_0-i peanut butter and edge out of [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} without making eye contact . [I]_0-i ’ll be fucked . [Screwed]_38-screwed . “ [I]_38-screwed need to get changed . ”_[38-screwed] [I]_0-i bomb out of the door , hearing [Maddie]_26-maddie in pursuit . “ [Daddy]_26-maddie , wait ! ”_[26-maddie] “ [I]_0-i have things to do , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i call behind [me]_0-i as [I]_0-i race up [the stairs]_{244-the stairs} , catching a glimpse of [her]_26-maddie long chocolate hair bouncing over [her]_26-maddie shoulders as [she]_26-maddie chases after [me]_0-i . “ Speak to [Mum]_32-mum . ”_[26-maddie] “ [Mum]_32-mum said [I]_0-i needed to speak to [you]_32-mum ! ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i just make it to the top when [I]_0-i feel something around [my]_0-i ankle . “ Fuck ! ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i lose [my]_0-i footing and trip up the top step , crashing down to the carpet in a heap . “ [Daddy]_26-maddie , watch [your]_26-maddie mouth ! ”_[0-i] “ [Maddie]_26-maddie , for crying out loud ! ”_[0-i] “ Then do n’t run away from [me]_0-i , and face up to [your]_26-maddie responsibilities . ”_[0-i] “ Excuse [me]_0-i ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i roll over to [my]_0-i back and sit up , finding [[my]_0-i girl]_{245-my girl} lying across the final few steps of [the staircase]_{246-the staircase} , [her]_{245-my girl} small hand still wrapped around [my]_0-i ankle , [her]_{245-my girl} head tilted far back to look up at [me]_0-i . [She]_{245-my girl} ’s already fluttering [her]_{245-my girl} lashes , the little minx . “ [My]_{245-my girl} responsibilities ? ”_{[245-my girl]} “ Yes . ”_{[245-my girl]} [She]_{245-my girl} releases [my]_0-i foot and pushes [herself]_{245-my girl} to [her]_{245-my girl} feet , and [I]_0-i only mildly register that [she]_{245-my girl} has on jeans and a jumper . Long jeans and a long - sleeved jumper . This should please [me]_0-i , yet it does n’t . Because this is [my]_0-i little live wire of [a daughter]_{247-her mother} , and [she]_{247-her mother} ’s a little fucker when [she]_{247-her mother} wants to be . Like , all the time . And like now when [I]_0-i know [she]_{247-her mother} ’s only covered from top to toe because , in the words of [[her]_{247-her mother} mother]_{247-her mother} , [she]_{247-her mother} ’s trying to butter [me]_0-i up . It wo n’t work . [Maddie]_26-maddie sighs , shaking [her]_{247-her mother} head at [me]_0-i . “ [Dad]_1256-dad — ”_[26-maddie] “ Oh , so it ’s [Dad]_1256-dad now , is it ? ”_{[247-her mother]} [Her]_{247-her mother} jaw tightens , and [she]_{247-her mother} looks at [me]_0-i in a way that only [[her]_{247-her mother} mother]_{247-her mother} can rival . Like [she]_{247-her mother} could cut off [my]_0-i dick with [her]_{247-her mother} glare . “ It ’s not fair ! All [[my]_{247-her mother} friends]_{2032-my friends} are going , and [[their]_{2032-my friends} parents]_{2032-my friends} are okay with it . Why do [you]_1256-dad have to be [the one]_{2033-the one} to ruin all the fun ? ”_{[247-her mother]} “ Because [I]_0-i love [you]_1256-dad , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i mutter , getting to [my]_0-i feet . “ Because [I]_0-i know there are [some idiot boys]_{2034-some idiot boys} out there who will want to kiss [you]_1256-dad . ”_[0-i] What the fuck am [I]_0-i saying ? The fact that [[my]_0-i girl]_{245-my girl} would probably rip off the balls of any potential kisser , probably better than even [I]_0-i could , is beside the point . It ’s [my]_0-i job to protect [her]_{247-her mother} . “ And stalk [me]_{247-her mother} , ”_{[247-her mother]} [she]_{247-her mother} retorts , making [me]_0-i recoil . “ What do [you]_1256-dad mean ? ”_{[247-her mother]} [I]_0-i do n’t like the smug look on [her]_{247-her mother} face . The look that suggests [she]_{247-her mother} has dirt on [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i narrow [my]_0-i eyes on [her]_{247-her mother} , waiting for it . “ Like [you]_1256-dad stalked [Mum]_32-mum . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i gasp . “ [I]_0-i did n’t stalk [[your]_1256-dad mother]_32-mum . [I]_0-i pursued [her]_32-mum . ”_[0-i] “ [She]_32-mum said it ’s the same thing , especially when the pursuing is done at [Jesse Ward]_454-jesse ’s level of pursuing . ”_[0-i] “ It’s … no … [she]_32-mum … ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i huff and turn , marching to [the master suite]_{249-the master suite} . [I]_0-i ’m not arguing with [a eleven - year - old]_{250-a eleven - year - old} . “ [[Your]_1256-dad mother]_32-mum loved [me]_0-i stalking [her]_32-mum , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i snap over [my]_0-i shoulder . “ [You]_1256-dad said [you]_1256-dad pursued [her]_32-mum . ”_[0-i] “ Same thing . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i slam the door to [[our]_251-our dressing room]_{252-our dressing room} behind [me]_0-i and yank [my]_0-i T - shirt over [my]_0-i head . “ [The girl]_32-mum will be the death of [me]_0-i , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i mumble , chucking it in the wash basket . [Maddie]_26-maddie barges in , forcing [my]_0-i hands to pause on the fly of [my]_0-i leathers . “ [I]_26-maddie ’m going to the party without [you]_26-maddie , and [I]_26-maddie will wear what [I]_26-maddie like . ”_[26-maddie] “ [You]_26-maddie are not going . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i just manage to hold back [my]_0-i bad language . “ End of . ”_[0-i] “ [You]_26-maddie ’re so mean ! ”_[26-maddie] [she]_26-maddie yells , [her]_26-maddie cheeks flushed with anger . “ [I]_26-maddie know ! ”_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i shove [my]_0-i hands into the waistband of [my]_0-i leathers , ready to push them down . “ Are [you]_26-maddie scramming ? Because [I]_26-maddie ’m about to get naked . ”_[26-maddie] [Her]_26-maddie pretty little face screws up in utter disgust . “ Ewwww . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie makes a hasty exit , leaving [me]_0-i looking down at [my]_0-i torso . Ewwww ? The fucking cheek . [I]_0-i might be fifty soon , but [I]_0-i ’m still fucking prime . Ask [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie . And [every other woman on [the planet]_{254-the planet}]_{253-every other woman on the planet} . Ewwww ? [I]_0-i kick off [my]_0-i leathers and drop to the floor , smashing out fifty press - ups , muttering and cursing as [I]_0-i do . [I]_0-i should have stayed at [the health club]_{188-the health club} . After yanking on some clean shorts , [I]_0-i turn to head [downstairs]_{256-downstairs} , noticing a pile of clean laundry on the bed . [I]_0-i do what [any decent husband]_{257-any decent husband} would do : [I]_0-i gather it up and go back to [the dressing room]_{258-the dressing room} to put it away . [I]_0-i place [my]_0-i socks and boxers in the designated drawers , leaving [me]_0-i with a pile of [Ava]_238-ava ’s knickers in [my]_0-i palm . [I]_0-i grin at the stacks of lace , unable to stop [myself]_0-i from bringing them to [my]_0-i nose and inhaling the clean smell of laundry mixed with [Ava]_238-ava ’s lingering scent . [I]_0-i hum and close [my]_0-i eyes , planning tonight ’s intimate time . [I]_0-i see a Sense Fuck in the not too distant future . [I]_0-i ’ll make [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie see that it would be most unwise for [us]_260-us to let [Maddie]_26-maddie go to the school party without a chaperone . “ [Dad]_1256-dad ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i swing around and find [Jacob]_60-jacob hovering at the doorway . [His]_60-jacob handsome face is quite alarmed . “ Oh , hey . ”_[60-jacob] [I]_0-i quickly pull the lace away from [my]_0-i nose and smile awkwardly . “ Are [you]_0-i smelling [Mum]_32-mum ’s knickers ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i laugh like a twat , feeling the heat rise in [my]_0-i cheeks . [[My]_0-i kids]_{261-my kids} do fuck all for [my]_0-i ego . “ Just checking [they]_{261-my kids} ’ve been washed , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say , turning [my]_0-i back on [him]_60-jacob and opening [Ava]_238-ava ’s knicker drawer . “ [You]_238-ava ’re weird sometimes , [Dad]_1256-dad . ”_[60-jacob] [Jacob]_60-jacob sighs from behind [me]_0-i , and [I]_0-i cringe , but [my]_0-i cringe turns into a frown when [I]_0-i spot something in the corner of [Ava]_238-ava ’s drawer . It ’s not the something that ’s the problem . It ’s the fact that it ’s in a different corner from this morning . [I]_0-i snarl at the diamond - embellished vibrator , or the Weapon of [Mass Destruction]_{40-mass destruction} , as [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie likes to call it , and slowly push the drawer closed . [She]_26-maddie is n’t wrong . It does destroy . It destroys [my]_0-i fucking ego . Has [she]_26-maddie been using it without [me]_0-i ? Giving [her]_26-maddie pleasure to a fucking machine ? Casting [my]_0-i grievance aside , just for now , [I]_0-i turn toward [[my]_0-i boy]_{240-my boy} . “ What ’s up , [mate]_{240-my boy} ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ask , wandering over to [him]_{240-my boy} and throwing [my]_0-i arm around [his]_{240-my boy} shoulders , walking [us]_264-us out of [the dressing room]_{258-the dressing room} . “ One of [[my]_0-i friends]_{2032-my friends} from [school]_2011-school , [Sonny]_41-sonny , has invited [me]_0-i to [Old Trafford]_{42-old trafford} with [[his]_41-sonny parents]_{2037-his parents} to watch [United]_43-united . [They]_{2037-his parents} ’re playing [Arsenal]_2038-arsenal . Can [I]_0-i go ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i smile to [myself]_0-i , looking down at [Jacob]_60-jacob as [he]_60-jacob looks up at [me]_0-i , all hopeful and with a little worry . [I]_0-i know what [he]_60-jacob ’s thinking . [He]_60-jacob ’s thinking that football is [our]_266-our thing , and [I]_0-i might not like [him]_60-jacob doing it with [someone else]_{267-someone else} . [I]_0-i take [him]_60-jacob training , [I]_0-i watch every match , [I]_0-i make a monthly point during the football season of [a boys]_{268-a boys} ’ day out , just [me]_0-i and [him]_60-jacob . [All boys]_{269-all boys} ’ stuff , where there are [no women driving [us]_271-us nuts]_{270-no women driving us nuts} . “ Sure [you]_60-jacob can . ”_{[269-all boys]} “ Thanks , [Dad]_1256-dad . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i lean down and sink [my]_0-i face into [his]_60-jacob mop of dirty blond hair . [[My]_0-i boy]_60-jacob . [[My]_0-i beautiful , laid - back boy]_60-jacob . “ Hey , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say , releasing [him]_60-jacob from [my]_0-i clinch when something comes to [me]_0-i . “ [Mum]_32-mum mentioned something about a crush . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i raise [my]_0-i eyebrows in question . [Jacob]_60-jacob rolls [his]_60-jacob eyes and makes [his]_60-jacob way to [[his]_60-jacob bedroom]_{272-his bedroom} . “ [I]_60-jacob do n’t have a crush , and if [I]_60-jacob did , [I]_60-jacob would n’t tell [Mum]_32-mum . ”_[60-jacob] [I]_0-i grin . “ Playing it cool , eh ? ”_[0-i] That ’s [[my]_0-i boy]_60-jacob . “ What , like [you]_60-jacob did with [Mum]_32-mum ? ”_[60-jacob] [He]_60-jacob turns and catches [me]_0-i scowling . And another head shake . “ [I]_60-jacob ’m going to polish [my]_60-jacob trophies . ”_[60-jacob] [He]_60-jacob disappears into [[his]_60-jacob bedroom]_{272-his bedroom} , leaving [me]_0-i on the landing . [I]_0-i zoom back to [the dressing room]_{258-the dressing room} , grab [her]_274-her vibrator , and head back out . A quick check of [[Maddie]_26-maddie ’s room]_{258-the dressing room} tells [me]_0-i [she]_26-maddie ’s sulking on [her]_26-maddie bed and will be lost in [her]_26-maddie mood for a good hour . A quick check of [[Jacob]_60-jacob ’s room]_{258-the dressing room} tells [me]_0-i [he]_60-jacob ’s already lined up [his]_60-jacob football trophies and will be lost in polishing those for at least two hours . [I]_0-i hurry [downstairs]_{256-downstairs} , brandishing [Ava]_238-ava ’s vibrator like a sword in front of [me]_0-i . “ How many times do [we]_2039-we need to go over this ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ask , entering [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} . “ All of [your]_0-i pleasure comes from [me]_0-i . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i come to a screaming halt when [I]_0-i find that [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie is n’t alone . Oh shit . “ [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} ! ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i yelp , [my]_0-i hand frozen in midair . “ Oh … [my]_26-maddie … [God]_373-god , ”_[26-maddie] [she]_26-maddie breathes , looking at [Ava]_238-ava in question . [[My]_0-i wife]_26-maddie ’s face is a picture of horror . “ Oh … ”_[26-maddie] The vibrator glows at [me]_0-i , and [I]_0-i rush to hide it behind [my]_0-i back . “ Always nice to see [you]_26-maddie , [Mum]_32-mum . ”_{[424-elizabeth]} [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} sighs , turning to [[her]_26-maddie daughter]_26-maddie and kissing [her]_26-maddie cheek . “ [I]_{424-elizabeth} ’ll call before [I]_{424-elizabeth} drop by next time , [darling]_26-maddie . ”_{[424-elizabeth]} “ Good idea , ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava mutters , [her]_238-ava horrified face turning into an expression that suggests [I]_0-i ’m in for it . [My]_0-i idiotic smile widens . “ [I]_0-i ’ll be on [my]_0-i way . [[Your]_0-i father]_{2040-your father} needs picking up from the golf course . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i wave at [[Ava]_238-ava ’s mother]_26-maddie with [my]_0-i empty hand as [she]_26-maddie approaches [me]_0-i , shaking [her]_26-maddie head . “ [You]_0-i ’re not staying ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ask out of politeness . After all these years , [we]_277-we still have a love / hate thing going on . “ Do n’t pretend [you]_0-i want [me]_277-we to . ”_[277-we] The vibrator behind [my]_0-i back feels like it ’s pulsing in [my]_0-i grasp , reminding [me]_0-i that [I]_0-i still have unfinished business to clear up with [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie . But then the device is suddenly snatched from [my]_0-i hand . “ What ’s this ? ”_[26-maddie] [Maddie]_26-maddie asks , holding up the huge dildo . Every muscle [I]_0-i have fails [me]_0-i , and [I]_0-i hear [Ava]_238-ava and [[her]_238-ava mother]_26-maddie gasp . [My]_0-i frozen state means [Maddie]_26-maddie has a chance to investigate [her]_26-maddie find , flicking at the buttons on the shaft . The vibrator jumps to life in [her]_26-maddie hand , and [she]_26-maddie screams , dropping it to the floor , where it proceeds to dance around [our]_278-our feet . “ What is that ? ”_[26-maddie] [she]_26-maddie cries . “ That ’s a weapon of mass destruction ! ”_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i blurt mindlessly , kicking it away . “ What ’s a weapon of mass destruction ? ”_[0-i] “ A bomb ! ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i grab [Maddie]_26-maddie and throw [her]_26-maddie over [my]_0-i shoulder , pelting out of [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} at top speed . “ Quick , [Dad]_1256-dad ! Before it explodes ! ”_[26-maddie] Fuck [me]_0-i , how do [I]_0-i get into these situations ? [I]_0-i race up [the stairs]_{244-the stairs} and burst into [[Maddie]_26-maddie ’s room]_{273-maddie ’s room} , throwing [her]_26-maddie on the bed in [my]_0-i usual fashion , and then watch as [she]_26-maddie giggles like [girls]_282-girls do , brushing [her]_26-maddie hair from [her]_26-maddie face . Big , round , gorgeously dark eyes find [me]_0-i , and [her]_26-maddie giggles turn into hysterics as [she]_26-maddie rolls around on the bed clenching [her]_26-maddie tummy . [I]_0-i drop down in an exhausted heap of dad next to [her]_26-maddie and pull [her]_26-maddie into [my]_0-i chest . “ Come here , [little lady]_26-maddie , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i sigh , taking the rare opportunity to grab a cuddle with [[my]_0-i girl]_26-maddie . [She]_26-maddie settles and lets [me]_0-i fuss over [her]_26-maddie for a few short minutes , still giggling every now and then . When [she]_26-maddie ’s gathered [her]_26-maddie breath , [she]_26-maddie breaks free from [my]_0-i hug and sits up , crossing [her]_26-maddie legs and looking at [me]_0-i for a few thoughtful moments . “ [Daddy]_26-maddie , please let [me]_26-maddie go to the party . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie holds up praying hands in front of [her]_26-maddie face and juts out [her]_26-maddie bottom lip in an adorable pout . Doomed . Fucking doomed . “ [I]_26-maddie ’ll let [you]_26-maddie approve [my]_26-maddie outfit . ”_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i hitch an eyebrow , a little surprised by [her]_26-maddie willingness to negotiate . Pushing [myself]_0-i up onto [my]_0-i elbows , [I]_0-i ponder [her]_26-maddie suggestion for a few moments . [She]_26-maddie ’s being reasonable . [I]_0-i should try to follow [her]_26-maddie lead , no matter how much it pains [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i sigh and roll [my]_0-i eyes . That face always breaks down [my]_0-i determination . “ [I]_26-maddie ’m taking [you]_26-maddie there and picking [you]_26-maddie up . Ten o’clock at the very latest . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie squeals in delight and dives at [me]_0-i , tackling [me]_0-i back down to [her]_26-maddie bed . “ Thank [you]_26-maddie , [Daddy]_26-maddie . ”_[26-maddie] “ [You]_26-maddie can ease off on the Daddy business now , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say , snatching another opportunity to have a hug . “ And [you]_26-maddie must answer [your]_26-maddie phone when [I]_0-i call [you]_26-maddie or [I]_0-i ’ll be coming into [the school]_{2041-the school} to track [you]_26-maddie down . ”_[0-i] “ Ca n’t [you]_26-maddie just text [me]_26-maddie ? ”_[26-maddie] “ No . ”_[0-i] “ Okay . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie relents easily , understanding that [she]_26-maddie ’s reached [her]_26-maddie limit . “ And remember , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i go on , keen to reinforce the rules . “ It ’s illegal to kiss [a boy]_{2042-a boy} until [you]_26-maddie ’re twenty - one . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie chuckles . “ It ’s not illegal to kiss [a boy]_{2042-a boy} , [Dad]_1256-dad . ”_[26-maddie] “ It really is . ”_[26-maddie] “ By real law or [Dad]_1256-dad ’s law ? ”_[26-maddie] “ Both . ”_[26-maddie] “ [You]_26-maddie ’re impossible . ”_[26-maddie] “ [Maddie]_26-maddie , do [you]_26-maddie want to go to the party or not ? ”_[26-maddie] [Her]_26-maddie jaw tightens , and [she]_26-maddie draws in a long breath . “ It is illegal to kiss [boys]_2043-boys before [you]_26-maddie ’re twenty - one , ”_[26-maddie] [she]_26-maddie says flatly , and [I]_0-i cock [my]_0-i head in a prompt for more . “ By real law , ”_[26-maddie] [she]_26-maddie adds . “ [Good girl]_26-maddie . ”_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i kiss [her]_26-maddie forehead and get on [my]_0-i way , satisfied by a job well done . See ? [I]_0-i can be reasonable . [I]_0-i do n’t know why [everyone]_283-everyone constantly barks on about [my]_0-i unwillingness to flex . [I]_0-i flex every day of [my]_0-i damn life . [Jacob]_60-jacob emerges from [[his]_60-jacob room]_{284-his room} , a tennis racket in [his]_60-jacob hand . “ Where ’s [Maddie]_26-maddie ? ”_[60-jacob] [he]_60-jacob asks . [She]_26-maddie appears with [her]_26-maddie own racket , now changed into some ridiculously tiny sports shorts and a cropped T - shirt . [They]_285-they shoot off down [the stairs]_{244-the stairs} . “ [We]_285-they ’ll be on the court ! ”_[285-they] “ [I]_0-i ’ll join [you]_0-i soon , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i shout at [their]_285-they backs . “ Just as soon as [I]_0-i ’ve dealt with [[your]_0-i mother]_194-kate , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i add quietly , pacing toward [the stairs]_{244-the stairs} , hoping [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} has buggered off so [I]_0-i can find out what ’s going on with that fucking vibrator . [I]_0-i bump into [[my]_0-i beautiful wife]_194-kate halfway down [the stairs]_{244-the stairs} . The Weapon of [Mass Destruction]_{40-mass destruction} is in [her]_194-kate hand , a condemning scowl on [her]_194-kate face . [She]_194-kate wants a scowling match ? [I]_0-i ’ll win every time . Stopping in [my]_0-i tracks , [I]_0-i curl [my]_0-i lip and growl under [my]_0-i breath , maintaining [our]_288-our staring deadlock . But , fuck [me]_0-i , it ’s hard when [she]_194-kate looks so effortlessly gorgeous . So … [mine]_0-i . [I]_0-i give [my]_0-i cock a mental pep talk , telling it to behave until [I]_0-i ’ve vented . It fails , [my]_0-i shorts beginning to tent . It does n’t escape [Ava]_238-ava ’s notice , [her]_194-kate eyes dropping to [my]_0-i groin , [her]_194-kate eyebrow curving as a lust [I]_0-i ’m all too familiar with fills [her]_194-kate eyes . [We]_288-our ’ll be having none of that . Not yet , anyway . “ Explain , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i demand , shoving an accusing finger at the thing in [her]_194-kate hand . [She]_194-kate pouts , looking at the device before slowly lifting [her]_194-kate sparkling eyes back up to [me]_0-i , not missing the opportunity to drag [her]_194-kate stare over [my]_0-i bare chest . There goes [my]_0-i cock again , lurching behind [my]_0-i shorts . A ghost of a smile curves [her]_194-kate lips , and [her]_194-kate eyes glimmer with mischief . [She]_194-kate casually slinks past [me]_0-i , and [my]_0-i body turns slowly , following [her]_194-kate . [She]_194-kate stops at [our]_289-our bedroom door . “ [Jesse]_454-jesse ? ”_[194-kate] [she]_194-kate says in that low , husky voice that drives [me]_0-i wild . “ Yeah ? ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i answer , dragging the word out warily . [She]_194-kate puckers [her]_194-kate lips and kisses thin air . “ Fuck [you]_454-jesse . ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate rushes into [the room]_{202-the room} and slams the door behind [her]_194-kate . What the fuck ? “ [Ava]_238-ava ! ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i yell , stamping [my]_0-i way to the door . “ Watch [your]_454-jesse fucking mouth ! ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i grab the handle and push all of [my]_0-i weight into the wood , jarring it a little . [I]_0-i can hear [her]_194-kate laughing beyond . Oh , [she]_194-kate wants to play , huh ? [I]_0-i release the door and stand back . [I]_0-i could probably burn a hole through it with [my]_0-i glare . [I]_0-i take a deep breath and give [her]_194-kate what [I]_0-i know [she]_194-kate ’s asking for . “ Three … , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i state coolly . “ [I]_0-i ’m not letting [you]_0-i in . ”_[0-i] “ Two . ”_[194-kate] “ Fuck off , [Jesse]_454-jesse . ”_[194-kate] [My]_0-i hackles rise , and [I]_0-i thump the door , spiking another teasing giggle from beyond . Oh , [she]_194-kate ’s getting it . Hard . “ One ! ”_[194-kate] “ Screw [you]_0-i , [Ward]_454-jesse ! ”_[0-i] [My]_0-i chest puffs out , and [I]_0-i stand back , locking and loading . “ Zero , [baby]_0-i ! ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i yell , launching [my]_0-i shoulder into the door . It opens with ease , as [I]_0-i knew it would , [Ava]_238-ava having wisely moved away in preparation for what [she]_194-kate knew was coming . [I]_0-i catch [her]_194-kate by the wrist before [she]_194-kate even thinks to run . “ Got [you]_0-i . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i whirl [her]_194-kate around and throw [her]_194-kate up onto [my]_0-i shoulder , taking [her]_194-kate to the bed . [We]_291-we land in a tatty tangle , and only a few seconds later , [she]_194-kate ’s naked , [my]_0-i skin on [her]_194-kate skin , [my]_0-i dick dancing . [I]_0-i find [my]_0-i place between [her]_194-kate thighs and grab [her]_194-kate cheeks , pushing [my]_0-i nose to [hers]_194-kate . “ [I]_0-i have two words for [you]_194-kate . ”_[0-i] “ What are [they]_2044-they ? ”_[0-i] “ [Retribution]_{46-retribution} and Fuck . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i sink [my]_0-i face into [her]_194-kate neck and bite [her]_194-kate , licking and lapping at [her]_194-kate flesh . “ [You]_194-kate ready , [baby]_194-kate ? ”_[0-i] [My]_0-i eyes close in utter bliss , waiting for [her]_194-kate sigh and the subtle , teasing flex of [her]_194-kate hips . “ [I]_194-kate want a boob job . ”_[194-kate] [My]_0-i eyes spring open , and [I]_0-i ’m out of [my]_0-i happy place in [her]_194-kate neck in a nanosecond . [I]_0-i need to see [her]_194-kate face so [I]_0-i can gauge whether [she]_194-kate ’s winding [me]_0-i up or not . As [I]_0-i stare down at [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie ’s beauty in utter shock , [I]_0-i quickly conclude that [she]_194-kate ’s not winding [me]_0-i up at all . [She]_194-kate ’s biting [her]_194-kate lip nervously , and [I]_0-i ’m pretty sure [she]_194-kate ’s holding [her]_194-kate breath . [My]_0-i cock shrivels to nothing . “ What the actual fuck , [Ava]_238-ava ? ”_[0-i] “ [I]_194-kate want a boob job , ”_[194-kate] [she]_194-kate repeats quietly . “ Forget it . ”_[194-kate] “ [Jesse]_454-jesse … ”_[0-i] “ No way . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i push [myself]_0-i up to [my]_0-i knees , [my]_0-i gaze automatically falling to [her]_194-kate boobs . The boobs [I]_0-i love . The boobs that give [me]_0-i hours of pleasure . Soft boobs . Natural boobs . [My]_0-i fucking boobs . [I]_0-i inwardly moan at the thought of [someone]_293-someone taking a knife to [them]_293-someone . “ Hell will freeze over , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i tell [her]_194-kate . “ [You]_194-kate can get that idea right out of [your]_194-kate head . ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate follows [my]_0-i line of sight to [her]_194-kate breasts and cups [them]_293-someone . For once , watching [Ava]_238-ava touch [herself]_194-kate does nothing for [my]_0-i libido . What the hell is [she]_194-kate thinking ? “ [They]_293-someone need an injection of life , ”_[194-kate] [she]_194-kate muses , [her]_194-kate chin on [her]_194-kate chest as [she]_194-kate inspects each one . “ [They]_293-someone ’re going south . ”_[194-kate] “ The only thing that just went south is [my]_194-kate dick . ”_[194-kate] A cold shower could n’t have been as effective . “ Like [I]_194-kate said , not while [I]_194-kate ’m alive and breathing . Not even when [I]_194-kate ’m dead . [I]_194-kate ’ll find a way to come back to life so [I]_194-kate can trample [your]_2045-you arse . Forget it , [Ava]_238-ava . [They]_293-someone ’re [mine]_194-kate and [I]_194-kate like [them]_293-someone just the way [they]_293-someone are . ”_[194-kate] “ [You]_2045-you really are being unreasonable , ”_[194-kate] [she]_194-kate mutters as [I]_0-i laugh [my]_0-i way into [the bathroom]_{294-the bathroom} and flip on the shower . “ And [they]_293-someone ’re actually [my]_194-kate boobs , not [yours]_2045-you . ”_[194-kate] That statement pulls [me]_0-i back to the door . [She]_194-kate ’s staring at [me]_0-i defiantly . [She]_194-kate knows [she]_194-kate ’s not going to win this one but will try anyway , and piss [me]_0-i off even more in the fucking process . “ How long has it been since [I]_0-i found [you]_2045-you ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ask . “ Twelve years , ”_[194-kate] [she]_194-kate spits back matter - of - factly , obviously holding back [her]_194-kate eye roll . “ Then discussions over ownership are out of fucking date . [We]_2046-we cleared up that small detail within weeks of knowing each other . ”_[194-kate] “ Or so [you]_2045-you told [me]_194-kate . ”_[194-kate] [Her]_194-kate nostrils flare . “ And year thirteen might be [your]_2045-you unlucky year , [Ward]_238-ava . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i jump back a little , startled . “ What the fuck is that supposed to mean ? ”_[0-i] “ It means , ”_[194-kate] [she]_194-kate snipes , sitting up on the bed and folding [her]_194-kate arms over [her]_194-kate chest , “ that year thirteen might be the year [I]_194-kate leave [you]_2045-you . ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i gasp , horrified , despite the fact that [her]_194-kate fingers go straight to [her]_194-kate hair , playing with the strands . [She]_194-kate ’s lying . It does n’t matter . [She]_194-kate still has the nerve to say it . “ Take that back right now . ”_[194-kate] “ No . ”_[194-kate] “ [Ava]_238-ava . ”_[194-kate] “ Fuck off . ”_[194-kate] “ Mouth ! ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i steam forward , outraged , ready to put [her]_194-kate back in [her]_194-kate place . [She]_194-kate tries to escape . [She]_194-kate could have a mile head start and [I]_0-i ’d catch [her]_194-kate . Always will . [She]_194-kate scrambles across the bed , aware that [she]_194-kate ’s pushed [me]_0-i too far , and screams when [I]_0-i catch [her]_194-kate ankle , dragging [her]_194-kate back toward [me]_0-i . “ Where do [you]_0-i think [you]_0-i ’re going ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ask , flipping [her]_194-kate over and straddling [her]_194-kate stomach , arms pinned safely above [her]_194-kate head with one hand . “ Get off [me]_0-i ! ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i do the only thing there is to do . [I]_0-i look down at the sensitive spot by [her]_194-kate hip , grinning evilly . [She]_194-kate stills . “ [Jesse]_454-jesse , no . ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i ignore [her]_194-kate and go in for the kill , sinking [my]_0-i fingers into [her]_194-kate tickle spot and going to [town]_295-town , digging , squeezing , and generally making it as unbearable as possible . “ Oh [my]_194-kate God . ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate sucks in air and starts going loopy beneath [me]_0-i , bucking and screaming [her]_194-kate displeasure . “ No ! I’ll … pee … ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate laughs uncontrollably , then shouts in vexation , “ [I]_194-kate ’m going to wee [myself]_194-kate ! ”_[194-kate] “ Take it back now , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i warn , not letting up . A bit of pee between [husband]_296-husband and [wife]_26-maddie is no skin off [my]_0-i nose . “ [I]_296-husband take it back ! ”_{[296-husband]} “ Are [you]_296-husband leaving [me]_0-i , [wife]_26-maddie ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ask , giving [her]_26-maddie an extra - brutal squeeze . “ Never ! ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie gasps for breath , [her]_26-maddie body arching violently . “ [I]_26-maddie ’m glad [we]_2047-we ’ve cleared that up . ”_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i release [her]_26-maddie and [she]_26-maddie jumps up off the bed , holding [herself]_26-maddie between [her]_26-maddie legs . “ Knock [yourself]_26-maddie out , [lady]_26-maddie . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie pelts to [the bathroom]_{294-the bathroom} . “ [[You]_26-maddie bastard]_26-maddie ! ”_[26-maddie] The door slams and [I]_0-i chuckle to [myself]_0-i , following behind , though less speedily than [Ava]_238-ava . [I]_0-i walk in to find [her]_26-maddie sitting on the loo . [She]_26-maddie scowls at [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i grin . Stepping into the shower , [I]_0-i start belting out a bit of [Justin Timberlake]_{47-justin timberlake} , squeezing some gel onto the sponge . “ How was [your]_26-maddie day , [dear]_26-maddie ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ask . “ Fine . ”_[0-i] Grabbing [her]_26-maddie toothbrush , [she]_26-maddie slaps on some paste and starts scrubbing . “ ’ ought … orrow … ate … am … ryone … irthday . ”_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i look at [her]_26-maddie past the glass incredulously . “ Wanna run that by [me]_26-maddie again ? ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie spits out the paste . “ On Saturday , [everyone]_283-everyone is coming around for [your]_26-maddie birthday barbeque . ”_[26-maddie] “ [I]_0-i ’m not having a birthday barbeque , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say with utter finality , going back to scrubbing down . “ [We]_2049-we ’ve discussed this . ”_[0-i] “ But — ”_[26-maddie] “ No buts , [Ava]_238-ava . [I]_0-i ’m not celebrat … ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i drift off , realizing that [I]_0-i was about to break [my]_0-i own rule : no mentioning the dreaded number . “ Celebrating the fact that [you]_26-maddie ’re turning fifty ? ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie cocks [her]_26-maddie head at [me]_0-i , [her]_26-maddie toothbrush going back into [her]_26-maddie mouth . [I]_0-i flinch as [I]_0-i rub some shampoo into [my]_0-i hair . “ [I]_0-i ’m not turning fifty , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i mutter , hearing [her]_26-maddie sigh . It ’s fine for [her]_26-maddie . [She]_26-maddie ’s still fresh as a daisy at thirty - eight . Thirty - fucking - eight ! That ’s pretty much how old [I]_0-i was when [I]_0-i met [Ava]_238-ava . Look how fast the years have whizzed by . If the next twelve years roll by as quickly , [I]_0-i ’ll be drawing [my]_0-i pension soon . [My]_0-i stomach churns with dread . “ [You]_238-ava ’re still [[my]_238-ava god]_238-ava , ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava says softly , pulling [my]_0-i attention back to [her]_238-ava . [She]_238-ava ’s just outside the shower now , looking at [me]_0-i closely . “ [I]_238-ava know . ”_[238-ava] “ And [you]_238-ava ’re still [the handsomest man [I]_238-ava ’ve ever laid eyes on]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] “ [I]_0-i know . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i shrug . “ And [you]_238-ava still fuck like [a god on steroids]_{2050-a god on steroids} . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava pushes [her]_238-ava lips into the glass and kisses it . “ Yeah , [I]_238-ava know . ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i meet [her]_238-ava lips on the other side . “ Then what ’s the problem , [[you]_238-ava gorgeous god]_238-ava ? ”_[0-i] “ Nothing , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i sigh . [I]_0-i ’m being stupid , but fifty sounds so much older than forty - nine . [I]_0-i shut the shower off , and [she]_238-ava moves back for [me]_0-i to get out , handing [me]_0-i a towel . [I]_0-i rub [myself]_0-i down and go to the mirror , looking [myself]_0-i up and down . Solid . It ’s all solid . As hard today as it was twelve years ago . And [my]_0-i face . Rough with four days ’ worth of stubble , and [my]_0-i skin is fresh . Quite honestly , [I]_0-i do n’t look much different . [I]_0-i know that . But it ’s more psychological . Fucking fifty . A pair of arms comes around [my]_0-i waist , and [her]_238-ava naked front pushes into [my]_0-i back , hugging [me]_0-i . “ [You]_238-ava ’re beautiful and all [mine]_0-i , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava says , making [me]_0-i smile . “ That ’s [my]_238-ava line . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava releases [me]_0-i and steps to the side , looking up at [me]_0-i . “ Do n’t get a complex . It does n’t suit [you]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i nod [my]_0-i agreement , kicking [myself]_0-i up the arse . What ’s up with [me]_0-i ? [I]_0-i look good , [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie is wonderful , and [[my]_0-i kids]_{261-my kids} are the most beautiful creatures [I]_0-i ’ve ever seen . [I]_0-i ’m [the luckiest man]_{301-the luckiest man} alive . [I]_0-i need to sort [my]_0-i shit out . [I]_0-i turn to the cupboard above the sink and grab down [my]_0-i deodorant . [Ava]_238-ava ’s small pill packet catches [my]_0-i eye . “ [You]_238-ava taken [your]_238-ava pill today ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ask . “ Oh , [I]_0-i forgot . Pass [them]_{261-my kids} here . ”_[0-i] “ Really , [Ava]_238-ava ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i grab them and thrust them into [her]_238-ava hand . “ Do n’t forget shit like that . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i shudder . [She]_238-ava ignores [my]_0-i evident dread and pops one , swallowing it with some water . “ So about the school party … ”_[238-ava] “ [I]_0-i ’ve told [her]_238-ava [she]_238-ava can go , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say before messing with [my]_0-i hair and wandering back into [the bedroom]_{302-the bedroom} . “ But [I]_0-i ’m taking [her]_238-ava [there]_2051-there and collecting [her]_238-ava afterward , and [she]_238-ava better answer [my]_0-i calls or [I]_0-i ’m going in . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i pull some boxers on and snap the waistband . “ So [you]_0-i can stop with [your]_0-i nagging . ”_[0-i] “ [I]_238-ava do n’t nag , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava spits indignantly . “ Not much . ”_[238-ava] “ Do [you]_0-i want a slap , [Ward]_238-ava ? ”_[0-i] “ Do [you]_0-i want a Sense Fuck , [Mrs. Ward]_26-maddie ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i cock [my]_0-i head expectantly and watch as the rush of desire returns swiftly to [her]_238-ava cheeks . That look alone brings [my]_0-i dick back to life . Oh , damn , [I]_0-i need [her]_238-ava again . “ [Dad]_1256-dad ! ”_[60-jacob] [Jacob]_60-jacob ’s voice invades [the bedroom]_{302-the bedroom} , and [my]_0-i cock shrivels to nothing . [Ava]_238-ava sags , clearly disappointed that another Danger Fuck is now off the cards . Because the danger has just made its presence known . “ [Dad]_1256-dad , [you]_1256-dad coming to play ? ”_[238-ava] “ On [my]_0-i way , [mate]_0-i , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i call , slipping on [my]_0-i shorts . “ Cock blocker , ”_[0-i] [Ava]_238-ava grumbles , giving [me]_0-i [her]_238-ava cheek when [I]_0-i approach . [I]_0-i kiss [her]_238-ava lightly around [my]_0-i smile , and [she]_238-ava pushes [her]_238-ava flesh onto [my]_0-i mouth . “ Sleepy twilight sex by the pool tonight ? ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava eyes light up like sparkling diamonds . “ Deal . ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i grab [my]_0-i trainers and head for the door . “ And the next time [you]_2052-you use that dildo without [me]_0-i , there will be no loving for a whole week . ”_[0-i] “ What ? ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava shock is clear . “ [You]_2052-you heard . ”_[238-ava] “ [You]_2052-you could n’t live without it for a week either , [Ward]_238-ava . [You]_2052-you ’ll be punishing [yourself]_2052-you more than [me]_0-i . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i smile , taking the stairs two at a time . [She]_238-ava ’s right . “ Then it ’ll be a week of Apology Fucks instead . ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava ’s mouth around [my]_0-i cock every day , two times a day for a week is n’t something to be sniffed at . “ Fine by [me]_0-i . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i laugh and hurry to [the courts]_{304-the courts} . Chapter 3 Happy birthday , dear [Jesse]_454-jesse ! Happy birthday to [you]_454-jesse ! ” The chanting of [[my]_454-jesse closest family]_{2053-my closest family} and [friends]_2054-friends is enough to make [me]_454-jesse want to go on a rampage to track down the key to eternal youth . [I]_454-jesse ca n’t even see [my]_454-jesse fucking birthday cake through the raging fire atop of it . Fifty . How the fuck did this happen ? [Fifty]_49-fifty ! Maybe [I]_454-jesse could forget — [God]_373-god , would [I]_454-jesse love to forget — but [[my]_454-jesse darling wife]_{2055-my darling wife} wo n’t let [me]_454-jesse , and in addition to the forest fire cooking [my]_454-jesse cake , there are balloons and banners plastered all over [the house]_{2056-the house} and [garden]_2057-garden , just in case the fact that [I]_454-jesse ’m [an old bastard]_{2058-an old bastard} had escaped [me]_454-jesse . “_[454-jesse] [Anyone]_305-anyone got a fire extinguisher handy ? ” [I]_454-jesse ask , sucking as much air into [my]_454-jesse lungs as [I]_454-jesse can manage . [I]_454-jesse ’m gon na need it . “_[454-jesse] Oh no , ” [I]_305-anyone hear [Maddie]_26-maddie breathe . “_[305-anyone] [He]_305-anyone ’s going to trample the cake . ” [I]_305-anyone roll [my]_305-anyone eyes and blow out the candles while [everyone]_283-everyone has a laugh at [my]_305-anyone expense . [Sam]_50-sam slaps [me]_305-anyone on the back and grins . “_[305-anyone] Do n’t say a word , ” [I]_{306-my man} warn before [[my]_{306-my man} friend]_{2060-my friend} can hit [me]_{306-my man} with some sarcastic wisecrack . “_{[306-my man]} [You]_{306-my man} ’re no spring chicken [yourself]_{306-my man} . ” [He]_{2060-my friend} laughs and cocks [his]_{2060-my friend} head . [I]_{306-my man} wish [I]_{306-my man} could be as complacent about [my]_{306-my man} age . “_{[306-my man]} [I]_0-i ’m a few years behind [you]_{306-my man} , [[my]_0-i man]_{306-my man} . Do n’t tar [me]_0-i with the same old brush . ” “_{[306-my man]} Fuck [you]_{306-my man} . ” “_[454-jesse] [Jesse Ward]_454-jesse ! ” [[Ava]_238-ava ’s mother]_32-mum cries , placing [her]_32-mum hands over [Maddie]_26-maddie ’s ears while sharply nodding at [[her]_32-mum husband]_{240-my boy} , [Joseph]_51-joseph , to take care of [Jacob]_60-jacob ’s . [[My]_454-jesse father]_{240-my boy} - in - law does n’t even bother , and instead ruffles [[my]_454-jesse boy]_{240-my boy} ’s hair on a smile filled with pride . [Maddie]_26-maddie shrugs [her]_26-maddie nan off and starts picking off the candles on [my]_454-jesse cake , counting them as [she]_26-maddie does , just to rub salt into [my]_454-jesse wounds . [She]_26-maddie gets to thirteen before a heavily pregnant [Kate]_194-kate intervenes . [[Ava]_238-ava ’s best friend]_194-kate smiles down at [[my]_454-jesse girl , who ’s now looking up at [her]_26-maddie in question]_194-kate . “_[454-jesse] Let ’s not upset [[your]_307-your dad]_{240-my boy} any more , ” [Kate]_194-kate says quietly , but not too quietly that [I]_454-jesse miss it . [She]_26-maddie flicks [her]_26-maddie eyes to [mine]_454-jesse , and the smile [I]_454-jesse had pointed at [her]_26-maddie swollen belly drops when [I]_454-jesse catch [her]_26-maddie smirking at [me]_454-jesse . “_[454-jesse] This is the worst party ever . ” [I]_0-i huff [my]_0-i way to [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} to get a Bud , considering the benefits of getting blind drunk . And then [I]_0-i immediately scold [myself]_0-i for thinking such thoughts . Never . [I]_0-i pull the fridge open and make fast work of knocking the cap off a bottle . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’d ask [you]_307-your if [you]_307-your want something stronger , but [I]_0-i know [you]_307-your ’re not up for it , ” [Sam]_50-sam says , wandering into [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} as [I]_0-i slam the fridge door . “_[0-i] Do n’t tempt [me]_0-i . ” [I]_0-i knock back another glug as [Drew]_53-drew joins [us]_2064-us . [His]_53-drew suit is so pristine , [he]_53-drew could n’t have sat , bent , or even moved in it since [he]_53-drew put it on . “_[0-i] Bit over the top for a BBQ , is n’t it ? ” [I]_0-i ask . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i have somewhere special to be after [I]_0-i ’ve finished relishing in [your]_307-your misery . ” [He]_53-drew moves past [me]_0-i to [the fridge]_{228-the kitchen} and helps [himself]_53-drew to a beer , ignoring the look of surprise on [my]_0-i face . [I]_0-i glimpse at [Sam]_50-sam , finding [his]_{309-your mate} expression matches [mine]_0-i . Somewhere special ? “_[0-i] What ’s more special than being with [[your]_307-your mate]_{309-your mate} on [his]_{309-your mate} fiftieth ? ” [I]_0-i bring [my]_0-i bottle to [my]_0-i lips as [I]_0-i watch [Drew]_53-drew flip the cap off of [his]_{309-your mate} beer . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m going to ask [Raya]_54-raya to marry [me]_0-i . ” [He]_{309-your mate} barely whispers the words . [My]_454-jesse snort of surprise sends [my]_454-jesse beer spraying so far , it hits every wall in [[my]_454-jesse expansive kitchen]_{2065-my expansive kitchen} . And [Drew]_53-drew does n’t dodge it . [I]_454-jesse cough , choke , and sniff , while [Sam]_50-sam laughs and [Drew]_53-drew looks at [me]_454-jesse like [he]_50-sam wants to rip [my]_454-jesse head off . [He]_50-sam undoubtedly does . [I]_454-jesse ’ve messed up [his]_50-sam suit . [He]_50-sam slams [his]_50-sam bottle on the counter , nostrils flaring , though [his]_50-sam face remains stoic . Married ? [Drew]_53-drew ? There ’s no question [he]_50-sam ’s found [[his]_50-sam girl in [the beautiful Raya]_54-raya]_{2066-his girl in the beautiful raya} ; [I]_454-jesse ’ve never seen [him]_50-sam so happy and settled , but … marriage ? [I]_454-jesse just never imagined [he]_50-sam ’d venture down [that road]_{2067-that road} . “_[454-jesse] [Jesse]_454-jesse , ” [Drew]_53-drew snaps , brushing down [his]_53-drew suit jacket . “_[454-jesse] For fuck ’s sake . Look ! ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m sorry . ” [I]_0-i snatch a tea towel off the side and chuck it at [him]_53-drew . “_[0-i] What ’s going on ? ” [Kate]_194-kate waddles into [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} with some empty plates , [Ava]_238-ava in tow . “_[53-drew] [Drew]_53-drew ’s asking [Raya]_54-raya to marry [him]_53-drew , ” [Sam]_50-sam and [I]_53-drew declare in unison , making [the girls]_{2069-the girls} pull to an abrupt stop before [they]_{2069-the girls} both gasp , hands at [their]_{2069-the girls} mouths , and then swoon all over [Drew]_53-drew . “_[53-drew] Will [you]_310-you keep it down , [she]_54-raya ’ll hear [you]_310-you , ” [he]_53-drew mutters , throwing the tea towel with force at [me]_54-raya before fighting [the girls]_{2069-the girls} away . It smacks [me]_54-raya in the face before [I]_54-raya catch it . “_[54-raya] Hear what ? ” [Raya]_54-raya asks , appearing in [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} with a dish balancing on one hand , a glass of wine in the other . “_[54-raya] Nothing ! ” [we]_311-we all sing , all grinning . [Drew]_53-drew rolls [his]_53-drew eyes and collects [[his]_53-drew girl]_{2071-his girl} . “_[311-we] [We]_311-we ’re going . ” “_[311-we] [We]_311-we are ? ” [Raya]_54-raya slides the dish onto the counter , looking a bit bewildered as [Drew]_53-drew takes [her]_54-raya glass from [her]_54-raya hand and leads [her]_54-raya to the door . “_[311-we] What about [Georgia]_58-georgia ? ” [Drew]_53-drew tosses a smirk over [his]_53-drew shoulder at [me]_454-jesse . “_[454-jesse] [Uncle Jesse]_454-jesse said [she]_312-she could stay . ” “_[312-she] [I]_0-i did ? ” “_[311-we] [We]_311-we did , ” [Ava]_238-ava pipes up . “_[311-we] Have fun ! ” [she]_312-she calls , before moving into [Kate]_194-kate ’s side . “_[454-jesse] Do [you]_454-jesse think [he]_454-jesse still has [his]_454-jesse cock pierced ? ” [she]_312-she whispers in [Kate]_194-kate ’s ear . What the fuck ? [I]_454-jesse swing an incredulous look at [[my]_454-jesse wife]_26-maddie , whose mouth snaps shut quickly , [her]_26-maddie back going all straight as [she]_26-maddie looks at [me]_454-jesse , [her]_26-maddie lips pressed together . [I]_454-jesse give [her]_26-maddie an expectant look , and [she]_26-maddie shrugs , looking away guiltily . “_[454-jesse] Just what [I]_0-i ’ve heard . ” [She]_26-maddie bites [her]_26-maddie lip , glancing at [Kate]_194-kate , who chuckles , clutching [her]_26-maddie belly . “_[454-jesse] Stop . [I]_0-i ’ll pee [myself]_0-i . ” [I]_0-i glare at [Ava]_238-ava . “_[0-i] How ’d [you]_0-i know [Drew]_53-drew has [his]_53-drew cock pierced ? ” [She]_26-maddie shrugs , all casual . “_[0-i] Like [I]_0-i said , just something [I]_0-i heard . ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i wonder who from , ” [Sam]_50-sam muses , tossing an accusing look to [Kate]_194-kate as [he]_50-sam wanders over to [her]_194-kate and gets as close as [her]_194-kate stomach will allow . [He]_50-sam has to lean forward to get [his]_50-sam face in [hers]_194-kate . “_[0-i] Explain . ” “_[0-i] It was a surprise back then , that ’s all . [I]_0-i felt the need to share . ” [Sam]_50-sam slams a hard kiss on [her]_194-kate cheek and then lowers [his]_50-sam lips to the top of [her]_194-kate stomach , dropping a kiss there , too . “_[0-i] Close [your]_0-i ears , sunshine , ” [he]_50-sam whispers , looking back up at [Kate]_194-kate . [She]_194-kate ’s grinning . [Sam]_50-sam ’s not . “_[0-i] Nice to know out of everything that could have stuck in [your]_0-i head from that night , it ’s [[my]_0-i mate]_{313-my mate} ’s dick . ” [I]_194-kate start chuckling again , perching on a stool to get comfy and enjoy the show . This party is n’t turning out too bad after all . [I]_194-kate fold [my]_194-kate arms over [my]_194-kate chest and swing [my]_194-kate eyes from [Sam]_50-sam ’s incredulous face to [Kate]_194-kate ’s dismissive one . “_[194-kate] Yeah , [Kate]_194-kate , ” [I]_194-kate goad as [John]_23-john sticks [his]_23-john head around the door . “_[194-kate] [The kids]_{2010-the kids} have got [the grandparents playing [Twister]_56-twister]_{315-the grandparents playing twister} . [I]_0-i ’d prebook an ambulance if [I]_0-i were [you]_316-you . ” “_[0-i] Come on . ” [Ava]_238-ava tugs [me]_0-i from the stool and directs [me]_0-i out of [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} . “_[0-i] [We]_{2010-the kids} have [parents]_317-parents to rescue before [they]_317-parents injure [themselves]_317-parents . ” “_[0-i] But [I]_0-i want to watch , ” [I]_0-i complain , looking over [my]_0-i shoulder , just catching [Sam]_50-sam seizing [Kate]_194-kate and swinging [her]_194-kate back in [his]_50-sam arms . [She]_194-kate squeals a squeal that is definitely more delighted than scared . “_[0-i] Oh shit , ” [she]_194-kate laughs . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i think [I]_0-i just wet [myself]_0-i . ” “_[0-i] On second thought . ” [I]_0-i allow [Ava]_238-ava to bully [me]_0-i out of [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} into [the garden]_{2075-the garden} , where [we]_2076-we find each one of [[our]_2076-we parents]_{2077-our parents} twisted into all kinds of mind - bending positions . [I]_0-i ’m laughing again , harder when [they]_{2077-our parents} all collapse in unison , creating [a pile of puffing grandparents on [the lawn]_{2079-the lawn}]_{2078-a pile of puffing grandparents on the lawn} . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m too old for this . ” [[My]_318-folks dad]_{2080-my dad} creaks [his]_{2080-my dad} way up to [his]_{2080-my dad} feet before helping [Mum]_32-mum up , too . [I]_318-folks clap [my]_318-folks hands together , marching [my]_318-folks way across [the lawn]_{2079-the lawn} to the enticing spotty game board . “_[318-folks] Move aside , [folks]_318-folks . ” [I]_318-folks crack [my]_318-folks knuckles and give [the twins]_{2012-the twins} a mischievous grin . “_[318-folks] [The champion]_{319-the champion} ’s here to defend [his]_{319-the champion} title . ” “_[318-folks] Here [we]_320-we go , ” [Jacob]_60-jacob sighs , booting [his]_60-jacob football away . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’ve had enough , ” [Maddie]_26-maddie declares . “_[0-i] It ’s [my]_0-i birthday . ” [I]_0-i crouch and pull at the corners of the mat , clearing the plastic of wrinkles before kicking off [my]_0-i shoes . “_[0-i] [You]_321-you have to do what [I]_0-i say . ” [I]_321-you flip up the collar of [my]_321-you Ralph Lauren polo shirt . “_[321-you] Playing , [Mrs. Ward]_26-maddie ? ” “_[26-maddie] Losing , [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} ? ” [I]_0-i snort [my]_0-i thoughts on that . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i always win , [baby]_194-kate . [You]_321-you should know that by now . ” [Ava]_238-ava pulls [her]_238-ava hair up in a ponytail , pouting [her]_238-ava lips . “_[321-you] Things could be about to change . ” Another snort of laughter erupts from deep in [my]_0-i belly , backed up by the chuckles of [[our]_2082-our guests]_{2083-our guests} . Glad [they]_{2083-our guests} think [her]_238-ava statement is as hilarious as [I]_0-i do . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m blue , ” [I]_238-ava announce as [everyone]_283-everyone backs up , giving [us]_2082-our space . “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava is red , [Jacob]_60-jacob is green , and [Maddie]_26-maddie is yellow . Who goes first ? ” “_{[323-the youngest]} [The youngest]_{323-the youngest} goes first , ” [Jacob]_60-jacob pipes up . “_{[323-the youngest]} Which is [me]_0-i . ” “_[0-i] Only by two minutes ! ” [Maddie]_26-maddie protests . [I]_0-i hold [my]_0-i hand up , halting the impending row . “_[0-i] Two minutes or two years , [Jacob]_60-jacob is [the youngest]_{323-the youngest} . ” “_[60-jacob] [Jacob]_60-jacob first . ” [Ava]_238-ava moves in closer , [her]_238-ava eyes narrowing to challenging slits . “_[26-maddie] [Maddie]_26-maddie ’s second , [me]_0-i third , and [you]_0-i , [[my]_0-i dear husband]_{324-my dear husband} , at a whooping fifty , will go last . ” “_{[324-my dear husband]} Do n’t think [you]_0-i can distract [me]_0-i by taunting [me]_0-i , ” [I]_1256-dad warn , gesturing for [Jacob]_60-jacob to get on with things . [I]_1256-dad focus on the game and , more importantly , winning it . [John]_23-john , [Sam]_50-sam , and [Kate]_194-kate join [the small crowd]_{2085-the small crowd} with [[Drew]_53-drew ’s daughter]_26-maddie , [Georgia]_58-georgia , and [we]_2087-our all take [our]_2087-our first move . It ’s all pretty straightforward , [everyone stable]_283-everyone , and [everyone]_283-everyone confident . Ten minutes later , [me]_1256-dad , [[my]_1256-dad wife]_26-maddie , and [[our]_2087-our babies]_{2089-our babies} are a tatty tangle of arms and legs , and [[our]_2087-our audience]_{2090-our audience} is laughing . “_[1256-dad] [Dad]_1256-dad ! ” [Maddie]_26-maddie gripes . “_[1256-dad] [Your]_1256-dad big leg is in [my]_0-i way ! ” “_[1256-dad] Good ! ” [I]_26-maddie laugh , not losing a scrap of focus . “_[26-maddie] This way , [Maddie]_26-maddie . ” [Sam]_50-sam crouches beside [[my]_26-maddie girl]_{245-my girl} , showing [her]_{245-my girl} the way to the spinner . “_[26-maddie] No helping , ” [I]_26-maddie yell , turning [my]_26-maddie face and getting a mouthful of [Ava]_238-ava ’s hair . [I]_26-maddie catch [her]_{245-my girl} eye and forget [my]_26-maddie grievance . [I]_26-maddie also forget [my]_26-maddie concentration , [her]_{245-my girl} boobs within licking distance . “_[26-maddie] Do n’t even think about it , [Ward]_238-ava , ” [she]_{245-my girl} whispers . “_[238-ava] Whenever , wherever , [baby]_194-kate . ” “_[194-kate] Not while playing [Twister]_56-twister with [[our]_326-our kids]_{327-our kids} in front of [[your]_328-i parents]_{329-your parents} . ” [My]_194-kate arms shake a little from the strain of holding [myself]_194-kate up . It does n’t help that both [Jacob]_60-jacob and [Maddie]_26-maddie are leaning on [me]_194-kate in one place or another , and [Ava]_238-ava is virtually suspended over [my]_194-kate torso . [They]_{327-our kids} ’re all being tactical , picking on [me]_194-kate , but [I]_194-kate wo n’t break . No way . “_[194-kate] [You]_328-i ’re doing this on purpose , ” [I]_328-i accuse . [I]_328-i close [my]_328-i eyes and focus , hearing clapping and encouragement from [everyone]_283-everyone , meaning [Maddie]_26-maddie just made [her]_26-maddie move and [she]_26-maddie ’s still in the game . “_[328-i] [Your]_328-i go , [Mum]_32-mum , ” [the twins]_{2010-the kids} chant . “_[32-mum] Oh , if [I]_0-i can just stretch to reach [the spinner]_{330-the spinner} . ” [Ava]_238-ava ’s body pushes harder into [mine]_194-kate . Focus , focus , focus . Something soft and squishy presses against [my]_454-jesse mouth . Something [I]_454-jesse recognize . [I]_454-jesse open [my]_454-jesse eyes and come face - to - face with boobs . [I]_454-jesse ca n’t help it . [My]_454-jesse mouth opens and [I]_454-jesse take a bite . “_[454-jesse] Owww ! [Jesse]_454-jesse ! ” [She]_26-maddie collapses on [me]_454-jesse , taking out [the kids]_{2010-the kids} , too . “_[454-jesse] [You]_328-i big fat cheat ! ” [I]_328-i laugh , rolling over and trapping [Ava]_238-ava beneath [me]_328-i . [She]_26-maddie huffs and puffs for effect for a few moments , making a pathetic effort to try to bat [me]_328-i away . [The kids]_{2010-the kids} are muttering [their]_{2010-the kids} disgust , [[our]_{2010-the kids} parents]_{2077-our parents} are tutting , and [Kate]_194-kate and [Sam]_50-sam are laughing with [Georgia]_58-georgia and [John]_23-john . But it ’s [the woman [I]_328-i ’m spread all over that has [my]_328-i attention]_{2095-the woman i ’m spread all over that has my attention} . “_[328-i] [You]_328-i lose , ” [I]_328-i whisper , planting a light peck on [her]_26-maddie nose . [Her]_26-maddie grin is instant , and so is the swelling of [my]_328-i heart . “_[328-i] No , [I]_0-i win . ” [She]_26-maddie grabs [my]_0-i hair and hauls [me]_0-i down to [her]_26-maddie lips , and [I]_0-i roll [her]_26-maddie off the mat onto the grass . “_[0-i] [We]_331-we ’re having sleepy sex tonight , ” [I]_331-we tell [her]_26-maddie . “_[331-we] Oh God ! ” [Maddie]_26-maddie squawks . “_[32-mum] [Mum]_32-mum ! [Dad]_1256-dad ! Please ! ” [We]_331-we both laugh past each other ’s lips , but [we]_331-we do n’t ease up . Not now . Not ever . Chapter 4 It ’s late . [The kids]_{2010-the kids} are in bed , [[our]_331-we guests]_{2083-our guests} have left , and [I]_1256-dad can hear [Ava]_238-ava faffing in [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} . [I]_1256-dad wander through , stopping at the door to admire [her]_26-maddie for a few moments . [She]_26-maddie ’s getting the coffee machine loaded ready to flick on in the morning , something [she]_26-maddie does before bed most nights , as well as setting [the kids]_{2010-the kids} ’ favorite breakfast cereals on [the island]_{2099-the island} . [I]_1256-dad wait until [she]_26-maddie ’s done and is rubbing cream into [her]_26-maddie hands before [I]_1256-dad quietly creep up behind [her]_26-maddie . [I]_1256-dad ’m virtually silent , but [she]_26-maddie does n’t need to hear [me]_1256-dad to know [I]_1256-dad ’m close . [Her]_26-maddie spine straightens , [her]_26-maddie hands pausing in [their]_{2010-the kids} movements . [I]_1256-dad push [my]_1256-dad front to [her]_26-maddie back and drop [my]_1256-dad mouth to [her]_26-maddie ear . “_[1256-dad] Get in [the bedroom]_{302-the bedroom} now , ” [I]_1256-dad order , quiet but stern . [She]_26-maddie turns slowly , rubbing against [me]_1256-dad , the friction sending [my]_1256-dad body temperature through the roof . [I]_1256-dad scoop [her]_26-maddie up and cradle [her]_26-maddie in [my]_1256-dad arms , taking [her]_26-maddie mouth as [I]_1256-dad walk [us]_2100-our to [[our]_2100-our room]_{302-the bedroom} . [She]_26-maddie hums against [my]_1256-dad lips . [I]_1256-dad hum against [hers]_26-maddie . Fucking heaven . [Our]_2100-our lips do n’t part the entire way to [the bedroom]_{302-the bedroom} , and it ’s a challenge to give up [our]_2100-our kiss when [I]_1256-dad make it to the bed . Dropping [her]_26-maddie down , [I]_1256-dad pull [my]_1256-dad T - shirt up over [my]_1256-dad head and throw it aside . [Ava]_238-ava ’s teeth sink into [her]_26-maddie bottom lip , [her]_26-maddie gaze hungry . “_[1256-dad] Like what [you]_333-you see ? ” [I]_1256-dad ask , confident of the answer . Call [me]_1256-dad an egomaniac . [I]_1256-dad could n’t give a fuck . [I]_1256-dad push [my]_1256-dad jeans down [my]_1256-dad thighs with [my]_1256-dad boxers , waiting for an answer . [She]_26-maddie ’s daydreaming . “_[1256-dad] Hey . ” [I]_1256-dad click [my]_1256-dad fingers , snapping [her]_26-maddie out of it . “_[1256-dad] Well ? ” The tiniest of frowns mars [her]_26-maddie brow . “_[1256-dad] What did [you]_333-you say ? ” [I]_0-i smile . [Her]_26-maddie question is a good enough answer for [me]_0-i . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i like [your]_333-you dress . ” [I]_0-i reach forward and tug at the silky black fabric , smiling when [I]_0-i hear [her]_26-maddie pull in a breath . “_[0-i] But it ’s a bit restrictive . ” “_[0-i] Take it off , ” [she]_26-maddie demands , full of impatience . [Her]_26-maddie hunger for [me]_0-i only intensifies [my]_0-i hunger for [her]_26-maddie . But [I]_0-i still toy with [her]_26-maddie desperation . “_[0-i] What do [you]_333-you say ? ” [I]_333-you see the need to fight [me]_333-you in [her]_26-maddie eyes , but [[my]_333-you wife]_26-maddie learned fast that giving [me]_333-you what [I]_333-you want gets [her]_26-maddie what [she]_26-maddie wants much quicker . “_[333-you] Please . ” [Her]_26-maddie plea is more than a plea . It ’s a fucking turn - on like no other . [Her]_26-maddie dress is gone in the space of a few short breaths . [Her]_26-maddie underwear even faster . Resting a fist on the mattress , [I]_334-my crawl up the length of [her]_26-maddie body , licking [my]_334-my way up [her]_26-maddie inside thigh , growling under [my]_334-my breath when [I]_334-my pass [her]_26-maddie sweet , soft , dripping pussy . [Her]_26-maddie groan stretches out forever , [her]_26-maddie spine arching , pushing [her]_26-maddie breasts upward . [I]_334-my circle [her]_26-maddie left nipple with a firm , slow lick . Fuck , [she]_26-maddie tastes good . [She]_26-maddie sighs , [her]_26-maddie hands going to [my]_334-my head and wrestling with [my]_334-my hair . “_[334-my] [You]_334-my ’re [a fucking god]_{335-a fucking god} , [Ward]_238-ava . ” [I]_238-ava bite down on [her]_26-maddie nipple in warning , but otherwise let [her]_26-maddie potty mouth pass , as [I]_238-ava walk [my]_238-ava fingers across [her]_26-maddie stomach and plunge them deep inside [her]_26-maddie core . “_[238-ava] Oh , [you]_334-my ’re so fucking ready , ” [I]_26-maddie say as [she]_26-maddie cries out . [I]_26-maddie withdraw and settle [myself]_26-maddie atop of [her]_26-maddie , grabbing [my]_26-maddie aching cock and leveling it up . “_[26-maddie] Hard or soft , [baby]_26-maddie ? ” “_[26-maddie] Soft , ” [she]_26-maddie sighs , all breathily and happily , [her]_26-maddie palms resting on [my]_26-maddie hips and pulling [me]_26-maddie down . [I]_26-maddie sink in slowly , struggling to catch [my]_26-maddie breath as the pleasure ripples through [me]_26-maddie . “_[26-maddie] Like that ? ” [I]_26-maddie ask , hitting [her]_26-maddie deep . “_[26-maddie] Just like that . ” [I]_337-me withdraw , the feel of [her]_26-maddie walls stroking [me]_337-me forcing [me]_337-me to [my]_337-me forearms . “_[337-me] [We]_337-me are so fucking good together , [lady]_26-maddie . ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i know , ” [she]_26-maddie agrees , sinking [her]_26-maddie nails into [my]_0-i arse . [Her]_26-maddie gaze finds [mine]_0-i , and [I]_0-i know that ’s exactly where it ’ll stay until [I]_0-i bring [her]_26-maddie to climax and [she]_26-maddie ’s forced to close [her]_26-maddie eyes . It ’s one of [my]_0-i favorite views . The passion and need on [her]_26-maddie face , [her]_26-maddie light pants heating [my]_0-i skin . It ’s debilitating . [This woman]_26-maddie has [me]_0-i captivated every day of [our]_337-me lives together . Not just when [I]_0-i have [her]_26-maddie in [my]_0-i arms , or when [I]_0-i ’m buried deep inside [her]_26-maddie . But with everything [she]_26-maddie does . Every time [she]_26-maddie looks at [me]_0-i , speaks to [me]_0-i , touches [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i ’m [the luckiest man]_{301-the luckiest man} alive , and [I]_0-i thank the Fates every minute of every day . [I]_0-i love [her]_26-maddie with a fierceness that gets stronger by the second . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i love [you]_0-i , too , ” [she]_26-maddie whispers , reading [my]_0-i mind . “_[0-i] And [I]_0-i ’m lucky , too . ” [Her]_26-maddie hands move from [my]_0-i arse and come up to [my]_0-i face , [her]_26-maddie thighs wrapping around [my]_0-i waist . [She]_26-maddie holds [my]_0-i face firmly as [I]_0-i maintain a careful , slow pace of [my]_0-i hips , rocking into [her]_26-maddie gently . “_[0-i] [You]_0-i are [my]_0-i life , [Jesse Ward]_454-jesse . [You]_0-i keep [my]_0-i heart beating . ” [I]_0-i smile a small smile , nodding [my]_0-i understanding , keeping [our]_2102-our eyes locked as [I]_0-i catch [her]_26-maddie lips . [Our]_2102-our kiss mirrors the delicacy of [our]_2102-our lovemaking until [I]_0-i slow it to nothing and [our]_2102-our lips are simply touching . “_[0-i] And [my]_0-i heart will only ever beat for [you]_0-i , ” [I]_0-i whisper , balancing on the edge of explosion . “_[0-i] Are [you]_0-i there ? ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m there . ” [Her]_26-maddie face glowing up at [me]_0-i confirms it , and [I]_0-i thrust a fraction harder a few more times , carrying [us]_2102-our over the edge together . [My]_0-i body soaks up [her]_26-maddie trembles , the tremors going straight to [my]_0-i heart . It fills with feelings so strong [I]_0-i once again find [myself]_0-i trying to wrap [my]_0-i mind around the reality of [our]_2102-our beautiful existence . [I]_0-i do n’t think [I]_0-i ever will . [We]_2102-our gasp into each other ’s faces , a million silent words of wonder bouncing back and forth between [us]_2102-our . [Neither of [us]_2102-our]_{2103-neither of us} needs to speak those words . [We]_2102-our both know . [I]_0-i take [her]_26-maddie left hand from [my]_0-i cheek and kiss [her]_26-maddie wedding ring and then weave [our]_2102-our fingers together , squeezing tightly and resting [my]_0-i face in [her]_26-maddie damp neck . “_[0-i] Was it good for [you]_338-you ? ” [I]_59-ish ask . “_[59-ish] [Ish]_59-ish … , ” [she]_26-maddie sighs , and [I]_59-ish smile against [her]_26-maddie throat , kissing lazily , small pecks here and there . “_[59-ish] Tub - time ? ” [she]_26-maddie asks softly . [I]_59-ish hold still for a moment , thinking . Tub - time ? “_[59-ish] [I]_0-i can hear those cogs kicking in . ” [She]_26-maddie laughs a little . [She]_26-maddie ’s right . Tub - time equals tub - talk . What does [she]_26-maddie want to talk about ? [I]_59-ish pull [my]_59-ish face from [her]_26-maddie throat and lift a questioning eyebrow . “_[59-ish] Is there something [you]_338-you want to tell [me]_0-i ? ” [[My]_59-ish wife]_26-maddie knows [I]_59-ish ’m at [my]_59-ish weakest when [she]_26-maddie ’s naked , wet , and spread all over [me]_59-ish . “_[59-ish] No , [I]_0-i just thought it would be nice to have a soak together . ” [Ava]_238-ava ’s wet nakedness slipping all over [mine]_59-ish ? [I]_0-i slip free from [her]_238-ava tight warmth on a small hiss , [my]_0-i cock still twitching from the aftermath of [my]_0-i climax . “_[0-i] Bubbles ? ” “_[0-i] Lots . ” “_[0-i] Whatever [[my]_0-i lady]_26-maddie wants . ” [I]_0-i shoot up off the bed and head to [the bathroom]_{294-the bathroom} , flipping on the taps and pouring in a huge dose of bubble bath before swishing the water around . It seems to take fucking ages for the water to reach halfway up the side , and when [I]_0-i ’m happy with the depth , [I]_0-i jump in , wafting the bubbles upward . “_[0-i] Ready ! ” [I]_0-i call . Within a few seconds , [I]_0-i hear [Ava]_238-ava laughing . “_[0-i] Where are [you]_26-maddie ? ” [I]_26-maddie flap [my]_26-maddie hands , clearing some of the bubbles in front of [my]_26-maddie face , and grin when [I]_26-maddie find [her]_238-ava standing by the door . “_[26-maddie] [Your]_26-maddie god awaits . ” [I]_454-jesse offer [my]_454-jesse hand , and [she]_238-ava wanders over , still laughing , making a point of blowing some more bubbles from [my]_454-jesse nose as [she]_238-ava lowers in front of [me]_454-jesse . [I]_454-jesse sigh a very fucking contented sigh as [she]_238-ava settles between [my]_454-jesse thighs , [my]_454-jesse arms and lower legs wrapping [her]_238-ava up tightly , [my]_454-jesse eyes closing in pure peace . The sensation of [her]_238-ava palms stroking over the hairs on [my]_454-jesse legs is hypnotic . Utter fucking bliss . It ’s silent for a few moments , gloriously silent and peaceful . Until [Ava]_238-ava breaks it . “_[454-jesse] [Jesse]_454-jesse ? ” “_[454-jesse] Hmmmm . ” “_[454-jesse] About [my]_0-i boobs … ” [My]_340-i eyes flip open . [I]_340-i fucking knew it . Wants to soak with [me]_340-i in the bath ? [I]_340-i scoff . “_[340-i] [You]_340-i mean the perfect boobs that [[your]_340-i husband]_{341-your husband} loves just the way [they]_342-they are ? Those boobs ? ” [I]_340-i ca n’t see [her]_238-ava , but [I]_340-i know [she]_238-ava ’ll have just pulled off an eye roll worthy of an award . “_[340-i] Yes , those boobs . ” “_[340-i] Forget it . ” [I]_340-i feel [her]_238-ava shift under [my]_340-i hold . So [I]_340-i hold [her]_238-ava tighter . “_[340-i] Let [me]_0-i see [you]_340-i . ” “_[340-i] No . ” “_[454-jesse] [Jesse]_454-jesse . ” Water starts to splash around [us]_2106-us until [I]_454-jesse ’m forced to release [her]_238-ava or risk flooding [the bathroom]_{294-the bathroom} . “_[454-jesse] For fuck ’s sake , ” [I]_454-jesse breathe as [she]_238-ava spins over , resting a palm on each of [my]_454-jesse pecs and bringing [her]_238-ava front down to [mine]_454-jesse . The tips of [our]_2106-us noses meet . [I]_454-jesse ’m not going over this again . No way . Those boobs are fucking perfect . And , more to the point , [they]_2108-they ’re [mine]_454-jesse . [I]_454-jesse nod [my]_454-jesse head to [myself]_454-jesse , determined to stand [my]_454-jesse ground , no matter how much [she]_238-ava begs and no matter what [she]_238-ava promises [me]_454-jesse . “_[454-jesse] No , ” [I]_454-jesse say firmly . “_[454-jesse] Not even for a million jars of [Sun - Pat]_{35-sun - pat} and two million Apology Fucks . No . ” “_{[35-sun - pat]} But [I]_0-i hate [them]_343-them , ” [she]_238-ava whines , pushing out [her]_238-ava bottom lip . [I]_0-i reach down and sink [my]_0-i teeth into it . “_[0-i] Ouch ! ” “_[0-i] The answer will always be no . ” [She]_238-ava wrenches [herself]_238-ava free of [my]_0-i bite , hissing in pain as [she]_238-ava does . Call [me]_0-i unreasonable , but it ca n’t hurt as much as what [she]_238-ava ’s suggesting . “_[0-i] Just listen . ” [My]_0-i hands sacrifice [her]_238-ava arse to cover [my]_0-i ears . “_[0-i] Definitely not . ” “_[454-jesse] [Jesse]_454-jesse . ” [I]_0-i close [my]_0-i eyes . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m not listening . ” [I]_238-ava feel [her]_238-ava lift from [my]_238-ava body , obviously accepting that [she]_238-ava ’s going to get nowhere . Good . [I]_238-ava hope [she]_238-ava ’s thinking about how unreasonable [she]_238-ava ’s being . A boob job ? [I]_238-ava scoff to [myself]_238-ava in [my]_238-ava darkness . [She]_238-ava ’s got more chance of [me]_238-ava divorcing [her]_238-ava . When [I]_238-ava ’ve heard no sounds for a good few minutes , [I]_238-ava assume [she]_238-ava ’s given up and [the coast]_{2109-the coast} is clear , so [I]_238-ava gingerly open one eye to check [I]_238-ava ’m alone . [I]_238-ava ’m not . [I]_238-ava ’d snap [my]_238-ava eyes closed again , but something in [her]_238-ava hand just caught [my]_238-ava eye . The shower hose ? [She]_238-ava ’s pulled it from the cubicle and has it pointed at [me]_238-ava in the bath . [I]_238-ava frown , suddenly noticing the water has drained from the tub . No ! [I]_238-ava try to get up quickly , slipping and sliding over the remaining bubbles coating the enamel of the bath . “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava ! ” [I]_238-ava ’m hit with water . Freezing fucking cold shards of torture . “_[238-ava] Fuck ! ” [I]_238-ava lose [my]_238-ava footing and crash to the bottom on the tub . “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava , for fuck ’s sake ! ” “_[238-ava] Say [you]_238-ava ’ll listen to [me]_0-i , ” [she]_238-ava demands , moving in as far as the length of hose on the showerhead will allow , which is pretty fucking close . [My]_238-ava whole body goes into shock , leaving [me]_238-ava at [[my]_238-ava evil wife]_{2110-my evil wife} ’s mercy . “_[238-ava] Th - ree … , ” [I]_238-ava chatter , wondering what [I]_238-ava can do when [I]_238-ava get to zero . [I]_238-ava do n’t know , but it ’ll be bad . So fucking bad . “_[238-ava] T - t - two … ” [I]_238-ava start to shake like a twat , unable to escape . [Jesus]_26-maddie , [I]_238-ava feel like hypothermia is setting in . “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava ! ” “_[238-ava] Will [you]_238-ava listen ? ” [I]_238-ava ca n’t even bring [myself]_238-ava to get to zero . [I]_238-ava ’m too fucking cold . “_[238-ava] Okay ! For fuck ’s sake , okay ! ” The water shuts down in an instant , and [I]_238-ava scramble from the bath and flop to [my]_238-ava back on the floor , shivering . “_[238-ava] Get [me]_0-i a towel , [you]_238-ava evil witch . ” A soft bundle of cotton lands on [my]_238-ava face , and [I]_238-ava make quick work of scrubbing at [my]_238-ava body . “_[238-ava] Why would [you]_238-ava do that ? ” [I]_238-ava snap , incensed . “_[238-ava] If [my]_0-i legs were n’t frozen solid , [you]_238-ava ’d be getting the ultimate of all Retribution Fucks right now . ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’ll look forward to it , ” [she]_238-ava snipes , putting the hose back in the shower . Then [she]_238-ava wanders over to [me]_0-i , until [she]_238-ava has one foot on either side of [my]_0-i chest . [She]_238-ava lowers and plants [her]_238-ava arse on [my]_0-i stomach , [her]_238-ava hands on [my]_0-i pecs , and starts rubbing over [my]_0-i goose - bumped skin . “_[0-i] Let [me]_0-i warm [you]_238-ava up . ” “_[0-i] How kind . ” [I]_{344-the surgeon} need an oven , a quick ten minutes at 180 degrees . [I]_{344-the surgeon} ’m cold to the bone . “_{[344-the surgeon]} [The surgeon]_{344-the surgeon} said that a little — ” [I]_{344-the surgeon} choke on nothing . “_{[344-the surgeon]} [You]_238-ava ’ve seen [a surgeon]_{344-the surgeon} already ? ” Please , [God]_373-god , tell [me]_238-ava it was n’t [a man]_{224-a man} . “_[238-ava] [You]_238-ava said [you]_238-ava ’d listen . ” “_[238-ava] And [I]_0-i fucking hate what [I]_0-i ’m hearing , [Ava]_238-ava . ” [I]_238-ava push [her]_238-ava off [me]_238-ava and get to [my]_238-ava feet , stomping away . “_[238-ava] [I]_0-i ca n’t even look at [you]_238-ava . ” [I]_238-ava head for [the dressing room]_{258-the dressing room} , where [I]_238-ava rip down a clean T - shirt from a hanger . [I]_238-ava do n’t know why ; [I]_238-ava always sleep naked , but [I]_238-ava need something to do with [my]_238-ava hands or [I]_238-ava ’m likely to strangle [her]_238-ava beautiful neck . “_[238-ava] If it was a bloke , do n’t tell [me]_0-i . ” [I]_238-ava could throw up . “_[238-ava] Okay . ” [I]_238-ava swing around , outraged . “_[238-ava] So it was a bloke [you]_238-ava flashed [my]_0-i boobs to ? ” [She]_238-ava shrugs . “_[238-ava] [You]_238-ava just told [me]_0-i not to tell [you]_238-ava . ” “_[238-ava] But [you]_238-ava just bloody did ! What the fuck , [Ava]_238-ava ? ” [I]_238-ava pull [my]_238-ava T - shirt over [my]_238-ava head and wrestle [my]_238-ava arms through the sleeves , getting [myself]_238-ava all caught up . “_[238-ava] Fuck ! ” “_[238-ava] It ’s just a boob job . ” [I]_238-ava stop trying to get [my]_238-ava T - shirt on , leaving [me]_238-ava with [my]_238-ava arms all bent and trapped somewhere around [[my]_238-ava neck area]_{2113-my neck area} . [Ava]_238-ava ’s fighting to hold back [her]_238-ava smirk . “_[238-ava] Just get a knife and kill [me]_0-i , because it ’ll hurt a lot fucking less than what [you]_238-ava ’re suggesting . ” [I]_0-i realize [my]_0-i stupidity the moment the words have left [my]_0-i mouth . [Ava]_238-ava ’s hint of a grin vanishes , and [she]_238-ava recoils , [her]_238-ava watery eyes dropping to [my]_0-i torso where two hefty scars mar [my]_0-i skin . [I]_0-i curse [my]_0-i idiotic arse to hell and back a thousand times over as [I]_0-i calmly untangle [my]_0-i arms and pull [my]_0-i T - shirt down [my]_0-i body , hiding [my]_0-i scars from [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie ’s sad eyes . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m sorry , ” [I]_0-i breathe , feeling nothing short of awful . [Our]_2115-our story is epic , but [I]_0-i would rather it be missing that particular part . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i would never hurt [you]_0-i , ” [she]_26-maddie says quietly , turning and walking away from [me]_60-jacob . [I]_60-jacob ball [my]_60-jacob fist and slam it onto [my]_60-jacob forehead . “_[60-jacob] [Baby]_60-jacob , wait . ” [I]_0-i chase after [her]_26-maddie , grabbing [her]_26-maddie wrist and swinging [her]_26-maddie around . [She]_26-maddie does n’t fight [me]_0-i . [She]_26-maddie does the exact opposite , in fact . [She]_26-maddie launches [herself]_26-maddie at [me]_0-i and takes on [her]_26-maddie customary baby chimp hold of [me]_0-i , sinking [her]_26-maddie face deep into [my]_0-i neck . [I]_0-i could n’t feel any more terrible . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m sorry . ” [I]_0-i cling to [her]_26-maddie , feeling the wetness of [her]_26-maddie tears on [my]_0-i neck . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i know it ’s been a long time . ” [She]_26-maddie hiccups over [her]_26-maddie words . “_[0-i] But just remembering how terrified [I]_0-i was when [I]_0-i thought [I]_0-i ’d lost [you]_345-you makes [me]_0-i feel it all again . And [I]_0-i panic . Because look how in love [I]_0-i was with [you]_345-you back then . Look how much [I]_0-i needed [you]_345-you . Twelve years later , all of those feelings have multiplied by a million , and the thought of losing [you]_345-you cripples [me]_0-i , [Jesse]_454-jesse . ” [She]_26-maddie breathes in shakily . [I]_454-jesse close [my]_454-jesse eyes and make sure [I]_454-jesse hold on to [her]_26-maddie that little bit tighter . “_[454-jesse] [No one]_{210-no one} ’s going to take [me]_0-i away , ” [I]_345-you vow , meaning it with every fiber of [my]_345-you being . “_[345-you] [You]_345-you talk like [you]_345-you ’re indestructible . ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i am . If [I]_0-i have [you]_345-you and [the kids]_{2010-the kids} , nothing can touch [me]_0-i , [Ava]_238-ava . ” [I]_238-ava force [her]_238-ava away and scan [her]_238-ava face , wiping [her]_238-ava cheeks of tears . [We]_2116-our do n’t talk about the events of that day . [Lauren]_1535-lauren is still locked up in a padded cell somewhere under constant assessment , and there ’s a restraining order in place in case that ever changes . Which , [I]_238-ava ’m advised , wo n’t . Premeditated attempted murder , carefully plotted and very nearly carefully executed . [No one]_{210-no one} will be seeing [her]_238-ava for a very long time . “_[238-ava] Do n’t cry , [baby]_238-ava . [I]_0-i ’m afraid [you]_345-you ’re stuck with [me]_0-i . ” Reaching for [my]_0-i hair , [she]_238-ava tugs on a huff mixed with a little chuckle . “_[0-i] That ’s not funny . ” “_[238-ava] Shut up and kiss [me]_0-i , [woman]_238-ava . ” [She]_238-ava ’s on [me]_238-ava like a lion , all parts of [our]_2116-our horrid past pushed away , leaving [room]_2118-room for only the good memories . The amazing memories . Memories that [we]_2116-our build on every day of [our]_2116-our beautiful existence together . Just [us]_2116-our and [[our]_2116-our babies]_{2089-our babies} . Chapter 5 As [I]_238-ava dip and weave through the traffic on [Park Lane]_{2-park lane} the following week , the roof of [[my]_238-ava DB9 Volante]_{3-my db9 volante} down , the wind rushing past , [I]_238-ava dial [Drew]_53-drew to pass the time on [my]_238-ava way to [the health club]_{188-the health club} . Just passing the time . “_[238-ava] Afternoon ! ” [I]_238-ava greet , all chipper when [he]_263-argh answers . “_[238-ava] Yes , what do [you]_348-you want ? ” “_[238-ava] That ’s no way to greet [a friend]_263-argh . ” [I]_238-ava grin to [myself]_238-ava as [I]_238-ava sail through an amber light and switch lanes , ignoring the honking of some knob in a Bentley . “_[238-ava] What do [you]_348-you want ? ” [he]_263-argh repeats , sounding utterly bored by the conversation that has n’t even got off the ground yet . [I]_238-ava ’m about to remedy that . “_[238-ava] Just wondering how [you]_348-you ’re feeling now [you]_348-you ’re claimed for life . ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i was claimed for life before [I]_0-i put a ring on [her]_263-argh finger . ” [I]_263-argh smile , all warm and fuzzy on the inside for [[my]_263-argh mate]_263-argh . [We]_2121-we ’d honestly lost all hope for [the kinky fucker]_{2122-the kinky fucker} by the time [Raya]_54-raya came into [his]_{2122-the kinky fucker} life . “_[263-argh] Congratulations , [mate]_263-argh . [I]_0-i ’m happy for [you]_263-argh . So when ’s the big day ? ” “_[263-argh] A couple of months . Exact date to be confirmed . ” “_[263-argh] Shit , [you]_263-argh ’re not messing around , are [you]_263-argh ? ” “_[263-argh] Did [you]_263-argh just say that ? ” [He]_263-argh laughs , truly amused . “_[263-argh] [You]_263-argh had [Ava]_238-ava down [the aisle]_{350-the aisle} within weeks of meeting [her]_263-argh . ” [I]_263-argh smile as [I]_263-argh zip into [[my]_263-argh designated parking space outside [the club]_{2003-the club}]_{2123-my designated parking space outside the club} and hop out , grabbing [my]_263-argh sports bag from the boot . “_[263-argh] Go big or go [home]_201-home . [I]_0-i ’ve just got to [the club]_{2003-the club} . [I]_0-i ’ll catch [you]_263-argh later . ” Hanging up , [I]_0-i jog into reception , looking around for [John]_60-jacob . “_[0-i] Hey , [Gaby]_62-gaby , ” [I]_62-gaby call to [one of [the girls who works [the reception area]_{208-the reception area}]_{2125-the girls who works the reception area}]_{2124-one of the girls who works the reception area} . “_[62-gaby] [You]_263-argh seen [the big man]_{353-the big man} ? ” A neon - pink , clawlike talon points up the stairs to the gym floor . “_{[353-the big man]} Trying out the new weight machines . ” [I]_454-jesse take the stairs two at a time , emerging into [the open - plan gym at the top]_{2127-the open - plan gym at the top} . It ’s quiet now , [the mums]_{2128-the mums} all departed to go collect [[their]_{2128-the mums} kids]_{2129-their kids} from [school]_2011-school . Another hour and it ’ll be crammed again after [everyone]_283-everyone has knocked off work . [I]_454-jesse spot [John]_60-jacob across the way and put [my]_454-jesse hand up when [he]_{353-the big man} nods to [me]_454-jesse as [he]_{353-the big man} loads weights onto the end of [a bar]_{2132-a bar} . [I]_454-jesse hope [I]_454-jesse ’m still lifting when [I]_454-jesse ’m [his]_{353-the big man} age . [He]_{353-the big man} makes time every day in between helping [us]_2133-us run this place so [he]_{353-the big man} can keep that huge body huge . [He]_{353-the big man} flicks [his]_{353-the big man} head , telling [me]_454-jesse [he]_{353-the big man} ’ll meet [me]_454-jesse in [the office]_{192-the office} , so [I]_454-jesse make [my]_454-jesse way there . [I]_454-jesse walk in and find [Cherry]_26-maddie at [[Ava]_238-ava ’s desk]_{2135-ava ’s desk} . [Her]_238-ava head flicks up . “_[454-jesse] [Jesse]_454-jesse . ” [She]_238-ava ’s up from [her]_238-ava chair and quickly straightening out [her]_238-ava skirt . “_[454-jesse] [Ava]_238-ava asked [me]_0-i to check some invoices before [she]_238-ava left to go get [Maddie]_26-maddie and [Jacob]_60-jacob . But if there ’s anything [you]_60-jacob need … ? ” [I]_0-i throw [my]_0-i bag on the couch . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m good . ” “_[63-tea] [Tea]_63-tea ? Coffee ? Water ? ” [She]_238-ava comes around the desk , smiling brightly . “_[63-tea] Anything ? ” [I]_0-i falter in [my]_0-i steps toward the filing cabinet , looking back with a curious brow . Was there suggestion in [her]_238-ava words just then ? “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m good , ” [I]_0-i repeat , detecting a definite twinkle in [her]_238-ava blue eyes . “_[0-i] Well , if [you]_60-jacob think of something … ” [Her]_238-ava teeth sink into [her]_238-ava bottom lip . Is [she]_238-ava coming on to [me]_26-maddie ? [She]_238-ava must be twenty years younger than [me]_26-maddie , and though it ’s a painful thought , [I]_26-maddie ca n’t deny the small part of [my]_26-maddie ego that thrives on that . Yep . Still got it . But [this woman]_238-ava needs to be told that [I]_26-maddie only have it for [[my]_26-maddie wife]_238-ava . “_[26-maddie] [Cherry]_26-maddie . ” [I]_26-maddie turn back toward [her]_26-maddie and make [my]_26-maddie way over , seeing [her]_26-maddie lip slip through [her]_26-maddie bite , [her]_26-maddie stance more confident . This needs nipping in the bud pretty damn quickly before [Cherry]_26-maddie is faced with the wrath of [Ava]_238-ava . [I]_26-maddie shudder , but smile on the inside , too . [I]_26-maddie ’m not the only possessive one in [our]_354-our relationship . “_[26-maddie] Perhaps [we]_354-our ought to — ” [I]_26-maddie ’m cut dead when [John]_60-jacob strides in , [his]_2136-his phone to [his]_2136-his ear , talking to whoever is on the other end . “_[26-maddie] The part is missing and [I]_0-i want it here by morning . ” [He]_2136-his hangs up and looks between [me]_26-maddie and [Cherry]_26-maddie . “_[26-maddie] All right ? ” “_[26-maddie] Yeah , [Cherry]_26-maddie was just leaving . ” [She]_26-maddie ’s off across [the office]_{2135-ava ’s desk} fast , quickly closing the door behind [her]_26-maddie . “_[26-maddie] What was that about ? ” [John]_60-jacob takes a seat opposite [[Ava]_238-ava ’s desk]_{2135-ava ’s desk} , while [I]_0-i drop into [her]_26-maddie chair . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i think [Cherry]_26-maddie has a crush . ” [John]_60-jacob ’s low rumbling laugh grates on [me]_373-god . “_[373-god] [God]_373-god help [her]_26-maddie if [Ava]_238-ava finds out . [I]_0-i ’ll have a word . ” “_[0-i] Please do . ” [I]_0-i wake up [Ava]_238-ava ’s screen and tap in [her]_238-ava password , smiling as [I]_0-i do . THELORD3210 . “_[0-i] Anything to report ? ” [I]_0-i ask , scanning [my]_0-i e - mails . [John]_60-jacob does n’t answer , and [I]_0-i lift [my]_0-i head , catching [his]_2138-his straight face . [I]_0-i do n’t like that face . That ’s [his]_2138-his ultraserious face . “_[0-i] What ’s up ? ” [I]_26-maddie ask , wary . “_[26-maddie] [Sarah]_26-maddie ’s back in [town]_295-town . ” That ’s it . That ’s all [he]_2138-his says , sitting back in [his]_2138-his chair quietly while [I]_26-maddie try to process what just came out of [his]_2138-his mouth . [I]_26-maddie ’m still . And suddenly very hot , though [I]_26-maddie ca n’t figure out whether it ’s from fear or anger . Oh , fuck . Shit is going to fly when [Ava]_238-ava finds out . [I]_26-maddie have n’t seen [Sarah]_26-maddie for years , and [I]_26-maddie have no desire to now . Memories are flooding forward , too many , too fast . [I]_26-maddie ca n’t do this again . [Uncle Carmichael]_{2143-uncle carmichael} , [Rosie]_66-rosie , [Rebecca]_67-rebecca , the car accident . There is n’t a day goes by that [I]_26-maddie do n’t stop what [I]_26-maddie ’m doing at some point and think about [them]_2139-them all . But [Sarah]_26-maddie ? [I]_26-maddie never think about [her]_26-maddie or what [she]_26-maddie tried to do to [me]_26-maddie and [Ava]_238-ava . And [I]_26-maddie ’m not about to now . [My]_26-maddie life is too perfect . “_[26-maddie] Why ? ” is all [I]_26-maddie manage . [John]_60-jacob ’s huge shoulders jump up on a shrug . “_[26-maddie] Things did n’t work out for [her]_356-her in [the States]_{357-the states} . ” It did n’t work out ? [I]_26-maddie do n’t trust [her]_356-her . [I]_26-maddie gave [her]_356-her money . [I]_26-maddie gave [her]_356-her [my]_26-maddie blessing . But the one thing [I]_26-maddie could n’t give [her]_356-her was [my]_26-maddie love . [I]_26-maddie rake a hand through [my]_26-maddie hair , feeling so fucking stressed . “_[26-maddie] Tell [her]_356-her to stay away from [me]_0-i and [[my]_0-i family]_{358-my family} . ” “_[26-maddie] Already done . But this is [Sarah]_26-maddie , [Jesse]_454-jesse . [I]_0-i ca n’t watch [her]_356-her every motherfucking second of the day . ” [I]_356-her frown . “_[356-her] Where is [she]_356-her ? ” [John]_60-jacob does n’t hold back [his]_454-jesse answer , pulling off [his]_454-jesse wraparounds so [I]_356-her can appreciate how serious [he]_454-jesse is . “_[356-her] Staying with [me]_0-i . ” [I]_356-her balk at [him]_454-jesse , but [his]_454-jesse steely expression does n’t waver , [his]_454-jesse face poker straight . “_[356-her] Why the fuck would [you]_359-you do that ? ” “_[356-her] [She]_356-her ’s broke , [Jesse]_454-jesse . And broken , too . What did [you]_359-you want [me]_0-i to do ? Shut [my]_0-i door in [her]_356-her face ? ” “_[356-her] Yes . ” [I]_60-jacob stand , [my]_60-jacob temper getting the better of [me]_60-jacob . “_[60-jacob] Fucking hell , [John]_60-jacob . Have [you]_359-you forgotten what [she]_356-her did to [me]_0-i and [Ava]_238-ava ? ” [He]_{360-you stupid motherfucker} ’s up out of [his]_{360-you stupid motherfucker} chair like lightning , [his]_{360-you stupid motherfucker} big body looming forward . “_[238-ava] Shut the fuck up , [[you]_359-you stupid motherfucker]_{360-you stupid motherfucker} . ” [He]_{360-you stupid motherfucker} slams [his]_{360-you stupid motherfucker} fist into the wood . “_[238-ava] [You]_359-you and [Ava]_238-ava are exactly why [she]_238-ava ’s staying at [mine]_0-i . ” [I]_238-ava frown and [he]_{360-you stupid motherfucker} goes on . “_[238-ava] [I]_0-i told [her]_238-ava [she]_238-ava can stay a few weeks until [she]_238-ava gets [herself]_238-ava back on [her]_238-ava feet , but only if [she]_238-ava stays out of [your]_359-you way . ” [I]_60-jacob shrink a little . It ’s not something [many people]_{2140-many people} can make [me]_60-jacob do . [Only two people]_{2141-only two people} , in fact . [[My]_60-jacob wife]_26-maddie , and [this man]_{2143-uncle carmichael} right here . [The man who has been by [my]_60-jacob side for over thirty years]_{2143-uncle carmichael} . [[My]_60-jacob uncle ’s best friend]_{2143-uncle carmichael} , and now [[my]_60-jacob best friend]_{2143-uncle carmichael} . [I]_60-jacob feel a pang of guilt — not toward [Sarah]_26-maddie , but toward [[my]_60-jacob oldest friend]_{2143-uncle carmichael} . [He]_{2143-uncle carmichael} did n’t ask for this . For all the decades [this amazing man]_{2143-uncle carmichael} has been in [my]_60-jacob life , [his]_{2143-uncle carmichael} loyalty has never once wavered . [He]_{2143-uncle carmichael} ’s been a rock , looked out for [me]_60-jacob . [I]_60-jacob honestly do n’t know where [I]_60-jacob would be today without [him]_{2143-uncle carmichael} . And here [he]_{2143-uncle carmichael} is still doing right by [me]_60-jacob . “_[60-jacob] [John]_60-jacob — ” “_[60-jacob] Shut up . ” [He]_{2143-uncle carmichael} gets up , slipping [his]_{2143-uncle carmichael} wraparounds back on . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m taking care of it . [I]_0-i just did n’t want to keep it from [you]_60-jacob . ” “_{[361-big man]} Thanks , [big man]_{361-big man} . ” “_{[361-big man]} No need . ” [He]_{2143-uncle carmichael} strides out of [the office]_{192-the office} , and [I]_{361-big man} try to breathe in some calm . [I]_{361-big man} ca n’t leave [Ava]_238-ava in the dark over this . [I]_{361-big man} grab [my]_{361-big man} phone to call [her]_238-ava , but an incoming call flashes up before [I]_{361-big man} can dial . [I]_{361-big man} frown down at [the kids]_{2010-the kids} ’ school number , answering quickly . “_{[361-big man]} Hello ? ” “_{[57-mr. ward]} [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} , it ’s [Mrs. Chilton]_{68-mrs. chilton} , [Maddie]_26-maddie and [[Jacob]_60-jacob ’s teacher]_{362-jacob ’s teacher} . ” [My]_26-maddie heartbeat naturally quickens as it always does when an unexpected call comes in from [the school]_{2041-the school} . [I]_26-maddie instantly think the worst — [one of [them]_{2010-the kids}]_{2147-one of them} has hurt [themselves]_{2010-the kids} or maybe is n’t feeling well . “_[26-maddie] Is everything okay ? [The kids]_{2010-the kids} ? ” “_{[2010-the kids]} Yes , yes , [they]_{2010-the kids} ’re fine . ” [My]_{2010-the kids} lungs drain with relief , [my]_{2010-the kids} head falling back on the chair . “_{[2010-the kids]} Then why the call ? ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m sure it ’s nothing to worry about , ” [she]_{245-my girl} begins , obviously making [me]_0-i worry . All sorts of things start flying around in [my]_0-i head , starting with [that dirty little pervert who ’s sweet on [[my]_0-i girl]_{245-my girl}]_{2148-that dirty little pervert who ’s sweet on my girl} . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’ll decide that , ” [I]_0-i reply curtly . “_[0-i] [You]_0-i see , [[your]_0-i wife]_{245-my girl} has n’t shown up to pick up [the children from [school]_2011-school]_{2010-the kids} . [We]_366-we ’ve tried calling [Mrs. Ward]_26-maddie ’s mobile , but it ’s gone to voicemail each time . [We]_366-we ’ve left a message . ” “_{[245-my girl]} [She]_{245-my girl} ’s never late to collect [the kids]_{2010-the kids} . ” [I]_{245-my girl} glance at [my]_{245-my girl} watch to see it ’s three forty - five , a good half hour since [school]_2011-school finished . “_{[245-my girl]} [I]_0-i know , [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} . Like [I]_0-i said , [I]_0-i ’m sure [she]_{245-my girl} ’s simply got caught in traffic , and maybe [her]_{245-my girl} phone has died . ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m on [my]_0-i way . ” [I]_0-i hang up and race out [the office]_{192-the office} , nearly taking a startled [Cherry]_26-maddie from [her]_26-maddie feet on [my]_0-i way . “_[0-i] When did [Ava]_238-ava leave ? ” [I]_238-ava ask urgently over [my]_238-ava shoulder as [I]_238-ava sprint past [her]_26-maddie . “_[238-ava] Two thirty . The usual time . ” [I]_238-ava fight [my]_238-ava heart down from [my]_238-ava throat , immediately dialing [Ava]_238-ava as [I]_238-ava run full pelt out of [the health club]_{188-the health club} . [I]_238-ava land in the seat of [[my]_238-ava car]_{235-my car} heavily , and just like [I]_238-ava dreaded , [Ava]_238-ava ’s phone goes to voicemail . “_[238-ava] Fuck ! ” [I]_238-ava start [[my]_238-ava car]_{235-my car} and speed out of [the car park]_{2152-the car park} , heading for [the main road]_{2153-the main road} . Right or wrong , [I]_238-ava skip the red light . [I]_238-ava ’m a thirty - minute drive from [the school]_{2041-the school} , twenty if [I]_238-ava break the speed limit . [I]_238-ava try [Ava]_238-ava ’s phone again , but once again get [her]_238-ava voicemail , and [my]_238-ava worry deepens with every minute that passes and [I]_238-ava ca n’t get hold of [her]_238-ava . “_[238-ava] Where are [you]_367-you , beautiful ? ” [I]_238-ava hear [Ava]_238-ava in [my]_238-ava head telling [me]_238-ava that [I]_238-ava ’m neurotic . Maybe [I]_238-ava am . But nothing will ease [my]_238-ava panic until [I]_238-ava see with [my]_238-ava own eyes that [she]_238-ava ’s okay . [I]_238-ava join [the road that ’ll take [me]_238-ava to [the kids]_{2010-the kids} ’ school]_{2155-the road that ’ll take me to the kids ’ school} , being able to pick up speed now the traffic is moving more freely . [I]_238-ava try to pull up the app on [my]_238-ava phone that tracks all [[our]_2157-our cars]_{2158-our cars} , but the damn thing wo n’t load . “_[238-ava] Fuck ! ” [I]_238-ava dial [Ava]_238-ava again , mentally demanding [she]_238-ava answers . “_[238-ava] Come on , come on . ” “_[238-ava] Hello ? ” Relief . So much fucking relief . But the relief of actually getting an answer dies the second [my]_238-ava brain registers that whoever has answered is n’t [Ava]_238-ava . “_[238-ava] Who ’s this ? ” “_[238-ava] Who ’s this ? ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m [the husband of [the woman whose phone [you]_370-you have]_{369-the woman whose phone you have}]_{368-the husband of the woman whose phone you have} , ” [I]_0-i state curtly , [my]_0-i patience now completely evaporated . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i apologize . The caller [ID]_69-id stated ‘ [the Lord]_{371-the lord} . ’ ” “_{[371-the lord]} Nickname , ” [I]_{57-mr. ward} mutter , slowly concluding that [[my]_{57-mr. ward} silly wife]_26-maddie has lost [her]_26-maddie phone and [this lady]_26-maddie has found it . “_{[57-mr. ward]} [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} , is it ? [[Your]_370-you wife]_26-maddie is [Ava Ward]_238-ava ? ” “_[238-ava] How do [you]_370-you know [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie ’s name ? ” [She]_26-maddie has [her]_26-maddie phone , not [her]_26-maddie life story . “_[373-god] [[Her]_26-maddie driver]_373-god ’s license . ” It all becomes clear . “_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie ’s lost [her]_26-maddie bag . ” [I]_26-maddie sigh , more relief washing over [me]_26-maddie , yet [my]_26-maddie foot does n’t ease up on the accelerator . “_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i ’m afraid not , [sir]_373-god . [My]_0-i name is [PC Barnes]_{70-pc barnes} . ” [She]_26-maddie pauses for a few long seconds , giving [me]_{70-pc barnes} a moment to let that information settle . “_{[70-pc barnes]} [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} . ” [Her]_26-maddie voice has noticeably softened . Dread fills [me]_0-i . [My]_0-i heart speeds up . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m on the scene of a road traffic accident , and [I]_0-i believe [[your]_0-i wife]_26-maddie is one of the casualties . ” [My]_0-i tongue thickens in [my]_0-i mouth . “_[0-i] What ? ” “_[373-god] [Sir]_373-god … ” [Her]_26-maddie words blend and warp , fading into nothing as [I]_26-maddie stare ahead at [the road]_{2159-the road} . An accident . Casualties . [[My]_26-maddie wife]_26-maddie . [I]_26-maddie see blue lights flashing in [my]_26-maddie mind ’s eye , bright and frightening , making [me]_26-maddie blink to clear [them]_2160-they . But [they]_2160-they do n’t fade and it takes [me]_26-maddie a second to figure out why . [They]_2160-they ’re not in [my]_26-maddie mind ’s eye . [They]_2160-they ’re in the distance . Everything ’s a blur . Noise , movement , [my]_26-maddie heartbeat . [I]_26-maddie hear the sirens . [I]_26-maddie hear [[my]_26-maddie car]_{235-my car} screeching to a stop . [I]_26-maddie hear [[my]_26-maddie car]_{235-my car} door slamming behind [me]_26-maddie as [I]_26-maddie eject [myself]_26-maddie from [my]_26-maddie seat . [I]_26-maddie hear [my]_26-maddie feet pounding [the road]_{2159-the road} as [I]_26-maddie sprint toward the carnage up ahead , seeing [Ava]_238-ava ’s mangled Mini upended on the opposite side of [the road]_{2159-the road} . “_[26-maddie] Oh [[my]_0-i God]_26-maddie . ” [I]_26-maddie choke . Every window is shattered ; the two front tires are missing , ripped from the body of [the car]_{235-my car} . [Skid]_71-skid marks zigzag the tarmac of [the road]_{2159-the road} before abruptly ending . [The world]_{2163-the world} starts spinning , [my]_26-maddie breathing slowing . [Crowds of people]_{2164-crowds of people} are blocking [my]_26-maddie path , and [I]_26-maddie fight [my]_26-maddie way through , shoving them to the side as [I]_26-maddie try to make it to the center of the madness . “_[26-maddie] Please , no , ” [I]_26-maddie wheeze , staggering mindlessly through the throngs of [spectators]_{2165-spectators} . “_[26-maddie] Please , [God]_373-god , no . ” A rough , broken sob rips through [my]_26-maddie body when [I]_26-maddie catch sight of [the gurney]_{2166-the gurney} , and [my]_26-maddie legs buckle , bringing [me]_26-maddie to [my]_26-maddie knees . “_[26-maddie] No ! ” [Straps]_72-straps circle [her]_72-straps body , a breathing mask over [her]_72-straps face . Blood is everywhere . [She]_72-straps looks utterly broken , so fragile and damaged . [My]_26-maddie heart shreds in [my]_26-maddie chest . “_[26-maddie] God , no . ” The closer [I]_373-god get to [her]_72-straps , the more damage [I]_373-god see . “_[373-god] [Sir]_373-god , move aside ! ” a paramedic yells , wheeling [Ava]_238-ava toward [an ambulance]_{2167-an ambulance} . “_[373-god] [I]_0-i ’m [[her]_0-i husband]_26-maddie , ” [I]_373-god tell [him]_26-maddie , scanning [her]_0-i body , trying to comprehend the amount of blood soaking [her]_0-i . [Her]_0-i head is the worst , [her]_0-i long dark hair drenched in red . “_[373-god] Is [she]_0-i going to be okay ? ” It ’s all [I]_194-kate can think to ask , and it ’s instinctual , because [I]_194-kate do n’t know if [anyone]_305-anyone could be okay with this much blood loss . And when [I]_194-kate get no answer from any of the rushing paramedics , it becomes clear that [they]_2169-they agree with [me]_194-kate . A lump in [my]_194-kate throat expands as [I]_194-kate jog alongside the gurney , tears brimming in [my]_194-kate eyes . [Her]_0-i beautiful face is drained of color underneath the blood coating nearly every inch of [her]_0-i skin . “_[194-kate] Hold on , [baby]_194-kate , ” [I]_194-kate demand softly . “_[194-kate] Do n’t [you]_194-kate dare leave [me]_0-i . ” “_[194-kate] [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} ? ” [I]_{70-pc barnes} look across the bed , seeing a female police officer holding [Ava]_238-ava ’s bag . “_{[70-pc barnes]} [PC Barnes]_{70-pc barnes} . [We]_378-we spoke . ” [I]_378-we nod , casting [my]_378-we eyes back to [the ambulance where [Ava]_238-ava is being hooked up to all kinds of machinery]_{381-the ambulance} . “_[378-we] [She]_{70-pc barnes} did n’t show up to pick up [the kids]_{2010-the kids} from [school]_2011-school , ” [I]_{70-pc barnes} whisper in a daze of ruin . “_{[70-pc barnes]} [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} , come with [me]_0-i . [We]_378-we ’ll follow [the ambulance]_{381-the ambulance} . ” “_[378-we] No , [I]_0-i ’m going with [Ava]_238-ava . ” [I]_0-i shake [my]_0-i head , harshly wiping away the tears . “_[0-i] [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} . ” [PC Barnes]_{70-pc barnes} steps forward , [her]_{364-your wife} face soaked in sympathy that [I]_{57-mr. ward} just ca n’t handle . It ’s wasted , because [Ava]_238-ava ’s going to be okay . Damn it , [she]_{364-your wife} ’s going to be okay ! [I]_{57-mr. ward} look away from [the police officer]_{2170-the police officer} , seeing urgent hands working on [her]_{364-your wife} lifeless body . “_{[57-mr. ward]} [[Your]_0-i wife]_{364-your wife} is in critical condition , [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} . [You]_0-i need to give the paramedics space to do [their]_383-their thing . [I]_0-i ’ll get [you]_0-i to [the hospital]_{384-the hospital} just as fast . ” [I]_0-i close [my]_0-i eyes , praying for some stability in [my]_0-i breaking world . This is n’t the time to be throwing [my]_0-i weight around , though [I]_0-i ’m desperate to go on a rampage until [someone]_293-someone tells [me]_0-i [she]_{364-your wife} ’s going to be okay . [She]_{364-your wife} has to be okay . [I]_0-i ca n’t exist without [her]_{364-your wife} . The thought alone punches a hole through [my]_0-i chest , and [I]_0-i ’m forced to bend and brace [my]_0-i hands on [my]_0-i knees to breathe through the bolts of pain attacking [me]_0-i . “_[0-i] [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} ? ” [I]_{57-mr. ward} swallow and nod as [I]_{57-mr. ward} stare at the ground , [my]_{57-mr. ward} stomach turning . [I]_{57-mr. ward} could throw up . “_{[57-mr. ward]} Okay . ” [I]_{57-mr. ward} breathe , trying to focus on getting air into [my]_{57-mr. ward} lungs . But in [my]_{57-mr. ward} current state , [I]_{57-mr. ward} ’m not capable of focusing on anything but [my]_{57-mr. ward} prayers . “_{[57-mr. ward]} This way . ” [PC Barnes]_{70-pc barnes} rests [her]_{70-pc barnes} hand on [my]_0-i forearm , gently coaxing [me]_0-i from [my]_0-i daze . But it ’s the slam of the ambulance doors that brings [me]_0-i back to [the circus surrounding [me]_0-i]_{2172-the circus surrounding me} . [I]_0-i walk with purpose toward [the police car]_{2173-the police car} , looking back at the mangled mess of metal that was [Ava]_238-ava ’s Mini . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’ll have [a colleague]_{385-a colleague} bring [[your]_386-you car]_{2161-the car} to [the hospital]_{384-the hospital} . Do [you]_386-you have the keys ? ” [I]_389-i mindlessly tap [my]_389-i pockets down in search of [them]_389-i . “_[389-i] [They]_389-i ’re in [the car]_{2161-the car} , ” [I]_389-i mutter . “_[389-i] And [you]_386-you mentioned [[your]_386-you children]_{2012-the twins} , [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} . Would [you]_386-you like [me]_0-i to have [someone]_293-someone collect [them]_293-someone ? ” [She]_293-someone opens the passenger door for [me]_{2012-the twins} , and [I]_{2012-the twins} fall into the seat . “_{[2012-the twins]} [The twins]_{2012-the twins} , ” [I]_{2012-the twins} say to the windscreen . “_{[2012-the twins]} [I]_0-i said [I]_0-i was on [my]_0-i way . [They]_{2012-the twins} ’ll be wondering where [I]_0-i am . ” [I]_{2012-the twins} start to root through [my]_{2012-the twins} pocket for [my]_{2012-the twins} phone . “_{[2012-the twins]} [[Ava]_238-ava ’s friend]_{392-ava ’s friend} . [I]_0-i ’ll call [[Ava]_238-ava ’s friend]_{392-ava ’s friend} . ” [I]_454-jesse dial [Kate]_194-kate without thinking , so when [she]_194-kate answers , [I]_454-jesse ’m totally unprepared for what to say and [my]_454-jesse throat closes up on [me]_454-jesse , leaving [Kate]_194-kate calling [my]_454-jesse name repeatedly in prompt . What do [I]_454-jesse say ? Where do [I]_454-jesse start ? “_[454-jesse] [Jesse]_454-jesse , are [you]_454-jesse there ? ” [she]_194-kate asks , now full - blown worried . “_[454-jesse] Hello ? [Jesse]_454-jesse ? ” [PC Barnes]_{70-pc barnes} gets into [the car]_{2161-the car} beside [me]_454-jesse and looks across at [me]_454-jesse , where [I]_454-jesse ’m static , [my]_454-jesse phone hanging limply in [my]_454-jesse hand . [I]_454-jesse cough , clearing [my]_454-jesse throat , but no matter how hard [I]_454-jesse try to speak , nothing comes . [I]_454-jesse ca n’t talk . Ca n’t speak the words . [Ca]_73-ca n’t tell [Kate]_194-kate that [[her]_194-kate friend]_194-kate looks like [she]_194-kate ’s at death ’s door . The blood . So much blood . “_[454-jesse] It ’s [Ava]_238-ava … ” [My]_0-i words fade , [my]_0-i eyes clouding over again . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i … ” [PC Barnes]_{70-pc barnes} takes [my]_0-i phone and switches on [her]_{70-pc barnes} sympathetic , professional tone , speaking calmly as [she]_{70-pc barnes} explains to [Kate]_194-kate without too much detail that [Ava]_238-ava has been involved in an accident and [the twins]_{2012-the twins} need to be picked up from [school]_2011-school . [I]_0-i hear [Kate]_194-kate ’s gasp . [I]_0-i hear [her]_194-kate agree without question or prying into details of [Ava]_238-ava ’s condition . [She]_194-kate knows . “_[0-i] Ask [her]_238-ava to call [[Ava]_238-ava ’s parents]_{393-ava ’s parents} , ” [I]_0-i mumble . “_[0-i] And tell [her]_238-ava to tell [the twins]_{2012-the twins} that [Mum]_32-mum ’s okay . ” [I]_32-mum look across at [the ambulance]_{381-the ambulance} when the sirens come to life and invade [my]_32-mum ears . “_[32-mum] [She]_32-mum ’s going to be okay . ” After following [my]_32-mum request , [PC Barnes]_{70-pc barnes} hangs up and starts [the car]_{2161-the car} , pulling out quickly and tailing [the ambulance]_{381-the ambulance} . [I]_32-mum just stare at the back doors the whole way . It ’s the longest journey of [my]_32-mum life . Chapter 6 Touch and go . The words whirl around in [my]_32-mum head as [I]_32-mum pace [the corridor]_{195-the corridor} , desperate to be with [Ava]_238-ava . If not for [John]_60-jacob holding [me]_32-mum back , [I]_32-mum would have burst through the doors into [the operating room]_{2180-the operating room} just to threaten [the doctors]_{2181-the doctors} with [their]_{2181-the doctors} life if [they]_{2181-the doctors} do n’t save [her]_238-ava . [[Her]_238-ava parents]_{2182-her parents} have remained quiet and in shock , sitting on the hard plastic chairs in [the corridor]_{195-the corridor} , [Joseph]_51-joseph comforting [[his]_51-joseph wife]_51-joseph each time the tears creep up on [her]_238-ava and [she]_238-ava falls apart . With each second that passes with no news , the ache in [my]_32-mum heart intensifies . Such a deep ache . [I]_32-mum stop pacing and fall back against a wall , looking up to the tubular lighting of [the corridor]_{195-the corridor} . [She]_238-ava ’s been in there for hours . How much longer will [they]_{2010-the kids} be ? What are [they]_{2010-the kids} doing that ’s taking so much time ? A hand lands on [my]_32-mum shoulder , and [Joseph]_51-joseph offers a weak smile . “_[32-mum] [Kate]_194-kate ’s just texted . [The twins]_{2010-the kids} are fine . [She]_194-kate and [Sam]_50-sam have been vague with [them]_{2010-the kids} until [we]_{2010-the kids} know what ’s going on . [Kate]_194-kate said [she]_194-kate ’d keep [them]_{2010-the kids} overnight and take [them]_{2010-the kids} to [school]_2011-school in the morning . [I]_0-i think it ’s best to try and keep things as normal as possible for now . ” [I]_0-i nod , a barrage of guilt grabbing [me]_0-i . [My]_0-i thoughts have been so consumed with worry for [Ava]_238-ava , [I]_0-i ’ve hardly thought about [the kids]_{2010-the kids} . What [they]_{2010-the kids} must be thinking . How [they]_{2010-the kids} must be feeling . “_[0-i] Thanks , [Joseph]_51-joseph . ” “_[51-joseph] Are [you]_51-joseph going to call [them]_{2010-the kids} ? ” Call [them]_{2010-the kids} ? Speak to [them]_{2010-the kids} ? [I]_0-i ca n’t trust [my]_0-i voice to remain strong , and if [I]_0-i did , what would [I]_0-i say ? “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’ll text [them]_{2010-the kids} . ” [He]_51-joseph nods , understanding . “_{[424-elizabeth]} [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} and [I]_0-i are going to get some fresh air and drinks . Do [you]_51-joseph want some water ? ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m fine . ” “_[0-i] Get [him]_51-joseph some water . ” [John]_60-jacob intervenes , and [I]_397-i do n’t argue . [I]_397-i do n’t have the strength . After [[Ava]_238-ava ’s parents]_{393-ava ’s parents} have left [us]_2184-us , [John]_60-jacob drags [me]_397-i over to a chair and forces [me]_397-i down to the seat . [I]_397-i land with a thud and feel immediately restless again . [I]_397-i need [someone]_293-someone to come and tell [me]_397-i what the fuck is going on . “_[397-i] [She]_397-i ’ll be all right . ” [John]_60-jacob ’s usually booming voice is soft and reassuring , though [I]_397-i take no reassurance from it . [He]_51-joseph did n’t see the blood , [her]_397-i pale face , the wreck that was [[her]_397-i car]_{226-her car} . [I]_397-i drop [my]_397-i elbows to [my]_397-i knees and bury [my]_397-i face in [my]_397-i palms . “_[397-i] [She]_397-i has to be , [John]_60-jacob . Because if [I]_0-i do n’t have [Ava]_238-ava , then [I]_0-i may as well be dead , too . ” “_[0-i] Stop that , [[you]_60-jacob stupid motherfucker]_{360-you stupid motherfucker} . ” [He]_{360-you stupid motherfucker} physically shakes [me]_{360-you stupid motherfucker} by the shoulders . “_{[360-you stupid motherfucker]} [You]_60-jacob need to be strong . For [the kids]_{2010-the kids} and [Ava]_238-ava . Are [you]_60-jacob listening to [me]_0-i ? ” [His]_{360-you stupid motherfucker} voice gets louder until it ’s back to its usual penetrating rumble . [I]_400-doctor nod . It ’s pathetic . But before [I]_400-doctor can respond , the doors to [the operating room]_{2180-the operating room} swing open and [I]_400-doctor ’m up out of [my]_400-doctor seat like lightning . “_[400-doctor] [Doctor]_400-doctor . ” [My]_400-doctor heart starts racing , [my]_400-doctor stomach doing somersaults . “_[400-doctor] [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} , [I]_0-i ’m [Dr. Peters]_{74-dr. peters} . ” [His]_{74-dr. peters} expression is solemn . “_{[74-dr. peters]} Please , take a seat . ” [He]_{74-dr. peters} points to the chair [I]_{74-dr. peters} ’ve just vacated . “_{[74-dr. peters]} No , ” [I]_0-i refuse point - blank . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i do n’t need to sit down . ” [I]_0-i hold [my]_0-i breath , begging to [God]_373-god that [I]_0-i really do n’t need to sit down . That what [he]_{74-dr. peters} ’s about to tell [me]_0-i wo n’t rip [my]_0-i world apart , and therefore rip [me]_0-i apart . [The doctor]_{2188-the doctor} relents easily , and [John]_60-jacob gets up , coming to stand close beside [me]_0-i . [He]_{74-dr. peters} ’s preparing . [He]_{74-dr. peters} ’s preparing to catch [me]_0-i when [I]_0-i collapse in devastation . “_[0-i] [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} , [Ava]_238-ava has had a rather nasty blow to the head that has caused severe swelling on [her]_238-ava brain . ” [I]_238-ava stare at [the doctor]_{2188-the doctor} ’s mouth moving , [his]_{2188-the doctor} words coming slowly and clearly , each one stabbing into [my]_238-ava flesh . “_[238-ava] A nasty cut to [her]_238-ava leg severed one of [her]_238-ava main arteries , too . Between that and [her]_238-ava head injury , [she]_238-ava ’s lost nearly eighty percent of [her]_238-ava blood volume , so [we]_401-we ’re working hard to replace it in a series of transfusions over the next twenty - four hours . Right now , [she]_238-ava ’s stable but in critical condition . [We]_401-we ’ll do another CT scan in the morning to see if there is any improvement , but the extent of the damage will only be determined … ” [He]_{57-mr. ward} fades off , clearing [his]_{57-mr. ward} throat . “_[238-ava] When [she]_238-ava comes around , ” [he]_{57-mr. ward} finishes meekly , and [I]_238-ava just know [he]_{57-mr. ward} held back from adding if . If [she]_238-ava comes around . [My]_238-ava dark world becomes darker , [my]_238-ava aching heart clenching painfully . “_[238-ava] The rest of [her]_238-ava injuries are pretty superficial . The odd laceration here and there , and X - rays have confirmed no broken bones . It seems [her]_238-ava head took the worst . ” [My]_238-ava mind struggles to absorb the influx of information . “_[238-ava] Damage , ” [I]_402-you whisper . “_[402-you] [You]_402-you said damage . [You]_402-you mean brain damage ? ” “_[402-you] [I]_0-i ca n’t rule it out , [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} . [Ava]_238-ava is being transferred to the ICU . ” Just as [he]_{57-mr. ward} tells [me]_238-ava that , the doors open again and [two porters]_{2189-two porters} , along with [a nurse]_{2190-a nurse} , push a huge hospital bed into [the corridor]_{195-the corridor} . [I]_238-ava cough on nothing , a low sob forcing [me]_238-ava to cover [my]_238-ava mouth . “_[238-ava] [Motherfucker]_{75-motherfucker} , ” [John]_60-jacob breathes in , shocked , [his]_{57-mr. ward} arm coming up around [my]_238-ava shoulders to hold [me]_238-ava upright . “_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava ’s going to be all right , ” [he]_{57-mr. ward} says again , but this time [I]_238-ava can tell [he]_{57-mr. ward} does n’t really believe it . How could [he]_{57-mr. ward} ? [I]_238-ava can barely see [her]_238-ava past all the tubes , wires , and machinery . But what [I]_238-ava can see makes [my]_238-ava heart slow to the point [I]_238-ava think it might stop . [[My]_238-ava beautiful girl]_26-maddie is grey , the blood loss obvious . [[My]_238-ava strong , feisty wife]_26-maddie looks weak . So small and frail . [She]_26-maddie looks as broken as [I]_238-ava feel . [I]_238-ava have the fight of [my]_238-ava life on [my]_238-ava hands . And [I]_238-ava ’m feeling like [I]_238-ava ’m on the cusp of the greatest loss [I]_238-ava could ever face . Chapter 7 A nasty blow to [her]_26-maddie head . Swelling on [her]_26-maddie brain . A coma . Brain damage . Blood transfusions . Critical . Each word is a stab in the chest . [I]_238-ava ’ve barely moved an inch from this chair . [I]_238-ava ’ve drifted in and out of sleep , and [my]_238-ava hand has been in [hers]_26-maddie from the moment [they]_2193-they allowed [me]_238-ava into [[her]_26-maddie room]_{2021-her room} . It ’s like a fishbowl , two walls made up of windows , allowing [everyone]_283-everyone in [ICU]_76-icu visual access to [[my]_238-ava wife]_26-maddie . While [her]_26-maddie skin has taken on more color after the endless transfusions , [she]_26-maddie ’s still not awake . There are wires everywhere , machines surrounding [her]_26-maddie . There ’s barely enough room for [me]_238-ava beside [her]_26-maddie bed . The CT scan yesterday evening revealed no improvement , just like yesterday morning ’s scan . No reduction of swelling , and though [I]_238-ava ’m trying to be hopeful , [I]_238-ava know it ’s unlikely this morning ’s scan will show any signs of improvement , either . It ’s been two days . [I]_238-ava need to see [[my]_238-ava babies]_{261-my kids} . [I]_238-ava have to reassure [them]_{261-my kids} that [Mummy]_77-mummy ’s going to be okay , that [she]_77-mummy ’ll wake up soon and [we]_2197-we ’ll all go [home]_201-home together . Even if [I]_238-ava have no idea whether it ’s true . The sting at the back of [my]_238-ava eyes forces [me]_238-ava to close [them]_{261-my kids} before any more tears can escape . [I]_238-ava ’ve stalled letting [them]_{261-my kids} come here , hoping and praying that [the doctors]_{2181-the doctors} will give [me]_238-ava news so [I]_238-ava wo n’t have to lie to [[my]_238-ava children]_{261-my kids} . But the news [I]_238-ava ’ve hoped for has n’t come , and [I]_238-ava ca n’t stall any longer . It ’s time to face [my]_238-ava responsibilities and give [[my]_238-ava kids]_{261-my kids} what [they]_{261-my kids} need . [Me]_238-ava . [[Their]_{261-my kids} dad]_{2200-their dad} . [I]_238-ava ’m just so fucking crushed that [I]_238-ava ca n’t give [them]_{261-my kids} [[their]_{261-my kids} mum]_{2201-their mum} , too . When [my]_238-ava phone alerts [me]_238-ava of a text from [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} , [I]_238-ava force [myself]_238-ava to drop [Ava]_238-ava ’s hand and get up out of the chair . [My]_238-ava muscles scream [their]_{261-my kids} protest , [my]_238-ava bones cracking . After dropping a soft kiss on [Ava]_238-ava ’s forehead , [I]_238-ava walk down [the corridor]_{195-the corridor} to the café where [I]_238-ava ’ve arranged to meet [[her]_238-ava parents]_{2012-the twins} with [the kids]_{2012-the twins} . [I]_238-ava hear [both of [the twins]_{2012-the twins}]_{2012-the twins} before [I]_238-ava see [them]_{2012-the twins} . Two voices calling for [me]_238-ava . [I]_238-ava come to a stop , seeing [their]_{2012-the twins} faces for the first time in too long . It takes everything in [me]_238-ava not to drop to [my]_238-ava knees . [I]_238-ava ’m fucking broken , but [I]_238-ava ca n’t let [them]_{2012-the twins} see that . [Maddie]_26-maddie and [Jacob]_60-jacob crash into [me]_238-ava and throw [their]_{2012-the twins} arms around [my]_238-ava torso , cuddling [me]_238-ava fiercely , each of [their]_{2012-the twins} faces buried in [my]_238-ava chest . The feel of them against [me]_238-ava offers a mild comfort . For the most part , [my]_238-ava dread has tripled , because now [they]_{2012-the twins} ’re here . Now [I]_238-ava have to be [a man]_{224-a man} and comfort [[my]_238-ava babies]_{216-my babies} once [I]_238-ava ’ve delivered the blow that [I]_238-ava know will shatter [their]_{2012-the twins} worlds . “_[238-ava] Where ’s [Mum]_32-mum ? ” [Jacob]_60-jacob asks into [my]_26-maddie chest . “_[26-maddie] [Nan]_26-maddie says [she]_32-mum ’s sick . Too sick to see [us]_403-us . ” [I]_32-mum close [my]_32-mum eyes , clenching them tightly . “_[32-mum] [She]_32-mum ’s going to be okay . ” [I]_32-mum grate the words , not just for [the twins]_{2012-the twins} , but for [me]_32-mum , too . “_[32-mum] Trust [[your]_26-maddie daddy]_{404-your daddy} . [She]_32-mum is going to be okay . ” “_[32-mum] [I]_0-i want to see [her]_32-mum . ” [Maddie]_26-maddie breaks away from [me]_32-mum , [her]_32-mum face blotchy from tears . “_[32-mum] Please , [Daddy]_26-maddie . ” This suddenly does n’t feel like a good idea . [Ava]_238-ava does n’t look like [herself]_238-ava . [She]_238-ava does n’t look like [[their]_{2012-the twins} mum]_{2201-their mum} . [I]_79-darling crouch down in front of [her]_32-mum , taking [[my]_79-darling little girl]_32-mum ’s hand . “_[79-darling] [Darling]_79-darling , [I]_0-i do n’t think … [she]_32-mum ’s … ” [I]_32-mum clear [my]_32-mum throat , pulling [myself]_32-mum together to get the words out even and strong . “_[32-mum] [Mum]_32-mum ’s not [herself]_32-mum . [She]_32-mum lost a lot of blood , so [she]_32-mum ’s very pale . Very weak . ” [Maddie]_26-maddie ’s chin trembles , and [I]_405-i look to [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} , shaking [my]_405-i head . [I]_405-i ca n’t let [them]_406-them see [her]_32-mum like that . Look what it ’s done to [me]_405-i . [I]_405-i ’m barely holding [myself]_405-i together . “_[405-i] [You]_405-i ca n’t stop [us]_406-them , ” [Jacob]_60-jacob yells , stepping back . “_[32-mum] [She]_32-mum ’s [[our]_406-them mum]_32-mum . ” [My]_407-my exhausted body lets [me]_407-my down , and before [I]_407-my can stop [him]_60-jacob , [Jacob]_60-jacob takes off down [the corridor]_{195-the corridor} , [Maddie]_26-maddie quick on [his]_60-jacob heels . [I]_407-my drag [myself]_407-my up , watching as [[my]_407-my boy]_60-jacob slows to let [[his]_60-jacob sister]_{2209-his sister} catch up before taking [her]_32-mum hand and leading [her]_32-mum on . The fact that [they]_2210-they do n’t know exactly where [[Ava]_238-ava ’s room]_{2211-ava ’s room} is wo n’t faze [[my]_407-my babies]_{216-my babies} . Like [[their]_2210-they father]_{2213-their father} , [they]_2210-they are determined . [They]_2210-they have a sixth sense when it comes to [Ava]_238-ava , too . [They]_2210-they ’ll sniff [her]_238-ava out in no time at all . [I]_407-my slowly follow , rounding the corner to find [them]_2210-they standing at the glass window , staring into [[Ava]_238-ava ’s room]_{2211-ava ’s room} , holding each other ’s hands . [I]_407-my study them silently , each of [their]_2210-they faces a picture of pure shock . Then [Maddie]_26-maddie breaks down and [Jacob]_60-jacob turns into [her]_26-maddie , grabbing [[his]_60-jacob sister]_{2209-his sister} and hugging [her]_26-maddie . The sight could bring [me]_407-my to [my]_407-my knees , and [I]_407-my once again have to find strength from somewhere to remain upright . It ’s in this moment that [I]_407-my realize [[my]_407-my babies]_{2196-my children} are n’t really babies anymore . [[My]_407-my eleven - year - old son]_{2216-my eleven - year - old son} is holding [his]_{2216-my eleven - year - old son} own emotions in check so [he]_{2216-my eleven - year - old son} can comfort [[his]_{2216-my eleven - year - old son} sister]_{2209-his sister} . [My]_407-my eyes well , and [I]_407-my quickly and roughly brush at [them]_{2196-my children} to clear [my]_407-my vision . [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} approaches , looking up at [me]_407-my with tightly pressed lips . [I]_407-my shake [my]_407-my head mildly , showing [her]_{424-elizabeth} the despair [I]_407-my ’m fighting to hide from [[my]_407-my children]_{2196-my children} , and make [my]_407-my way over to [them]_{2196-my children} . [My]_407-my arms circle [their]_{2196-my children} shoulders , and [I]_407-my hold them tightly , absorbing the jerking of [Maddie]_26-maddie ’s body . [I]_407-my kiss the tops of [their]_{2196-my children} heads one after the other , over and over . “_[407-my] [She]_407-my ’ll be okay . ” [I]_407-my only just hold [myself]_407-my back from tagging [I]_407-my promise on the end , and it kills [me]_407-my to accept that [my]_407-my unwillingness to make that vow is because [I]_407-my never want to break a promise [I]_407-my make to [[my]_407-my children]_{2010-the kids} . “_[407-my] Are [you]_408-you two listening to [[your]_408-you dad]_{240-my boy} ? [She]_407-my will be okay . ” Those words , [they]_{2010-the kids} ’re stupid but unstoppable . [They]_{2010-the kids} are as good as a promise to [[my]_407-my kids]_{2010-the kids} . Because [Dad]_1256-dad said so . “_[407-my] [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} ? ” [I]_{74-dr. peters} look up over [the twins]_{2010-the kids} ’ heads . “_{[74-dr. peters]} [Dr. Peters]_{74-dr. peters} . ” With [[my]_{74-dr. peters} kids]_{2010-the kids} still held securely in [my]_{74-dr. peters} arms , [I]_{74-dr. peters} cock [my]_{74-dr. peters} head , silently asking [him]_{74-dr. peters} if [we]_410-we need to be alone . “_{[74-dr. peters]} It ’s good news , [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} . ” Good news ? [I]_{57-mr. ward} look through the window to [Ava]_238-ava ’s seemingly lifeless body on the bed . [She]_411-she looks exactly the same as [she]_411-she has since coming out of surgery . Nonresponsive . No improvement . Good news ? “_{[57-mr. ward]} The scan [we]_410-we did this morning has shown the swelling has subsided considerably over the past twelve hours . ” [My]_{57-mr. ward} head swings back toward [him]_{74-dr. peters} , [the kids]_{2010-the kids} breaking away from [me]_{57-mr. ward} . [He]_{74-dr. peters} says it ’s good news , so why does [he]_{74-dr. peters} still look so serious ? “_{[57-mr. ward]} And ? ” [I]_{57-mr. ward} question . “_{[57-mr. ward]} It ’s still early days , and the extent of the damage wo n’t be clear until [she]_411-she comes around . But it ’s a step in the right direction . ” [I]_{2188-the doctor} know [I]_{2188-the doctor} should feel relieved , but the word damage is a constant in [my]_{2188-the doctor} mind , like [they]_{2010-the kids} ’re priming [me]_{2188-the doctor} for something . “_{[2188-the doctor]} Thank [you]_{57-mr. ward} , [Doctor]_{2188-the doctor} . ” [I]_{2188-the doctor} end the conversation there , refraining from asking the questions [I]_{2188-the doctor} need to . Not in front of [the kids]_{2010-the kids} . [I]_{2188-the doctor} look to [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} , who moves toward [us]_2218-us before [I]_{2188-the doctor} ask . “_{[2188-the doctor]} [I]_0-i ’ll take them in , ” [she]_0-i says , gesturing [the kids]_{2010-the kids} toward the entrance of [[Ava]_238-ava ’s room]_{202-the room} . “_[0-i] [They]_413-they should talk to [her]_0-i , ” [the doctor]_{2188-the doctor} suggests . “_[413-they] Quietly , but [they]_413-they should talk to [her]_0-i . ” [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} takes [the children]_{2010-the kids} into [the room]_{202-the room} , leaving [me]_413-they alone with [the doctor]_{2188-the doctor} . “_[413-they] Damage , ” [I]_413-they say , returning [my]_413-they attention to [him]_{2188-the doctor} . “_[413-they] Tell [me]_0-i honestly , what ’s the probability ? ” “_[413-they] It ’s impossible to say until [she]_0-i ’s awake . While [she]_0-i ’s in a coma , [her]_0-i brain is resting , giving it the best chance to heal . ” [I]_0-i do n’t want to ask , and [I]_0-i wo n’t . [She]_0-i will wake up . Of course [she]_0-i will wake up . “_[0-i] So what are [you]_414-you doing in the meantime ? ” [I]_0-i ask , unable to keep the curtness from [my]_0-i tone . It ’s all a load of ifs and buts . That ’s all [I]_0-i ’m getting . Through [my]_0-i fog of growing fury , [I]_0-i notice [the doctor]_{2188-the doctor} looking a little wary all of a sudden , backing up , and [I]_0-i realize [I]_0-i ’m glaring at [him]_{2188-the doctor} , [my]_0-i jaw ticking , [my]_0-i body moving forward . “_[0-i] [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} , [we]_415-we ’re doing all [we]_415-we can . ” “_[0-i] And what if it ’s not enough ? ” Just as [I]_32-mum utter the words , [I]_32-mum hear the shrill shriek of [[Ava]_238-ava ’s mother]_32-mum , and [I]_32-mum ’m flying into [the room]_{202-the room} like a bull , [the doctor]_{2188-the doctor} hot on [my]_32-mum heels . [I]_32-mum do n’t know whether to be elated or terrified by what [I]_32-mum find . [Ava]_238-ava is squirming around on the bed , sobbing and distressed . “_[32-mum] [Mum]_32-mum ! ” [Maddie]_26-maddie cries , getting tugged back from the bed by an alarmed - looking [Jacob]_60-jacob . “_[1256-dad] [Dad]_1256-dad , what ’s wrong with [her]_32-mum ? ” [I]_238-ava had n’t noticed [the doctor]_{2188-the doctor} passing [me]_238-ava at the end of the bed , but [he]_{2188-the doctor} ’s now by [Ava]_238-ava ’s bedside , pressing buttons , shifting machinery , hands working frantically around [[my]_238-ava girl]_32-mum . “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava , ” [he]_{2188-the doctor} says urgently . “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava , can [you]_238-ava hear [me]_0-i ? ” [He]_{2188-the doctor} looks across to [me]_{57-mr. ward} , then nods to [the children]_{2196-my children} . [I]_{57-mr. ward} understand [his]_{2188-the doctor} silent order , but [I]_{57-mr. ward} ’m damned if [I]_{57-mr. ward} can move to follow it . [My]_{57-mr. ward} heart is going crazy in [my]_{57-mr. ward} chest , [my]_{57-mr. ward} legs full of lead . [She]_32-mum looks like [she]_32-mum ’s having the worst kind of nightmare . Or a seizure . Is it a seizure ? “_{[57-mr. ward]} [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} ! ” The sharp snap of [my]_{57-mr. ward} name shocks [me]_{57-mr. ward} to life , and [I]_{57-mr. ward} grab [[my]_{57-mr. ward} kids]_{2196-my children} ’ hands , pulling them out of [the room]_{202-the room} with [me]_{57-mr. ward} . [I]_{57-mr. ward} ca n’t see [Ava]_238-ava like this knowing there ’s fuck all [I]_{57-mr. ward} can do about it . [I]_{57-mr. ward} feel more helpless now than when [she]_32-mum was unconscious . [I]_{57-mr. ward} look back through the glass in a state of total shock . “_{[57-mr. ward]} [We]_416-me should get coffee , ” [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} suggests in an attempt to keep [me]_416-me busy while [the doctors]_{2181-the doctors} work on [Ava]_238-ava . [I]_416-me look down at each of [[my]_416-me children]_{2196-my children} in turn , [Maddie]_26-maddie first , [her]_26-maddie face tear - stained and red , and then [Jacob]_60-jacob . [He]_60-jacob ’s looking up at [me]_416-me , squeezing [my]_416-me big hand in [his]_60-jacob small one . [They]_{2181-the doctors} realign [me]_416-me , bring [me]_416-me back to where [I]_416-me should be . [I]_416-me stand taller and swallow down [my]_416-me shock . “_[416-me] Yes , let ’s get something to drink while [the doctors]_{2181-the doctors} do what [they]_{2181-the doctors} need to . ” “_[416-me] Well , what are [they]_{2181-the doctors} doing ? ” [Maddie]_26-maddie looks back to [[Ava]_238-ava ’s room]_{2211-ava ’s room} , and [I]_32-mum quickly pull [her]_238-ava back around , giving [her]_238-ava a warning look . “_[32-mum] Helping [Mum]_32-mum . ” It takes everything in [me]_32-mum not to look back [myself]_32-mum . What [I]_32-mum ’ve already seen will haunt [me]_32-mum forever . * * * After [I]_32-mum force [the kids]_{2010-the kids} to have some water and a sandwich , [we]_2228-we go back to [the ward]_{2229-the ward} in silence , [my]_32-mum mind caught between dread and hope . [I]_32-mum have no idea what [I]_32-mum should be bracing [myself]_32-mum for , what [I]_32-mum should expect . And that scares [me]_32-mum to death . The unknown . The lack of control . When [we]_2228-we arrive at [[Ava]_238-ava ’s room]_{2211-ava ’s room} , [the doctor]_{2188-the doctor} is outside making notes . [He]_{2188-the doctor} looks up and smiles mildly , and the hope takes over the dread . “_[32-mum] [She]_32-mum ’s settled , ” [he]_{2188-the doctor} says . “_[32-mum] [Her]_32-mum eyes are open , [she]_32-mum is perfectly aware of [her]_32-mum surroundings , and [she]_32-mum told [me]_0-i [her]_32-mum name and date of birth . ” “_[32-mum] Oh , thank [God]_373-god . ” [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} grabs [my]_32-mum arm and squeezes , while [I]_32-mum have to close [my]_32-mum eyes to stop the tears of relief escaping . Once [I]_32-mum ’m sure [they]_2232-they ’re under control , [I]_32-mum look down at [[my]_32-mum smiling babies]_{2233-my smiling babies} . “_[32-mum] What did [I]_0-i tell [you]_373-god ? ” [I]_0-i ask [them]_{2233-my smiling babies} seriously . “_[0-i] Always listen to [[your]_373-god dad]_{240-my boy} , [you]_373-god got that ? ” [They]_{2233-my smiling babies} both nod , cuddling into [my]_419-i chest as [I]_419-i mentally yell at [myself]_419-i for ever doubting it . [I]_419-i knew [she]_419-i would n’t leave [me]_419-i . [I]_419-i knew [she]_419-i ’d fight for [me]_419-i and [the kids]_{2010-the kids} . “_[419-i] [She]_419-i ’s just having some water and getting a few tubes removed , ” [the doctor]_{421-the nurse} says . “_[419-i] [We]_420-we can go back in once [the nurse]_{421-the nurse} has taken [her]_419-i vitals . [I]_0-i just need to run a few more tests , but [you]_373-god ’re welcome to join [me]_0-i in [the room]_{202-the room} . ” “_[373-god] Thank [you]_373-god , ” [I]_373-god breathe , squeezing [the kids]_{2010-the kids} into [me]_373-god . “_[373-god] Thank [you]_373-god so much . ” “_[373-god] [You]_373-god ’re welcome , [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} . ” [He]_{57-mr. ward} looks to the door when it opens and [a nurse]_{421-the nurse} exits . “_[420-we] Shall [we]_420-we ? ” [I]_423-i take a deep breath , suddenly a bit apprehensive . [I]_423-i have n’t looked into [[my]_423-i wife]_26-maddie ’s eyes for nearly two days , and the thought of doing it now is making [me]_423-i [a pathetic , nervous fool]_{2235-a pathetic , nervous fool} . What ’s wrong with [me]_423-i ? [The nurse]_{421-the nurse} looks to [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} as [she]_{421-the nurse} passes [us]_420-we and smiles . “_[423-i] [She]_423-i ’s asking for [[her]_423-i mum]_26-maddie . ” [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} ’s hand goes to [her]_423-i chest on a mild whimper as [she]_423-i takes the lead , rushing to [[her]_423-i daughter]_26-maddie ’s bedside . A small part of [me]_423-i is happy for [her]_423-i . For the most part , [I]_423-i ’m hurt that [she]_423-i has n’t asked for [me]_423-i , [[her]_423-i husband]_26-maddie , but [I]_423-i quickly put the silly slight aside and follow [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} in with [the children]_{2217-the children} . [I]_423-i find [[my]_423-i mother]_26-maddie - in - law hunched over [Ava]_238-ava on the bed , trying to hug [her]_238-ava as best [she]_238-ava can around the wires and tubes . [I]_423-i can hear the quiet sobs , and when [I]_423-i hear [Ava]_238-ava ’s voice , [I]_423-i smile , not just because [she]_238-ava sounds like [[my]_423-i wife]_26-maddie , if a little rough in the throat , but because [she]_238-ava sounds totally with it . “_[423-i] [My]_0-i head hurts , ” [she]_238-ava complains . “_[32-mum] Oh , [darling]_32-mum . Of course it hurts . ” [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} ’s light laugh as [she]_238-ava speaks is loaded with joy . “_[32-mum] Look who ’s here . ” [She]_238-ava moves away from [Ava]_238-ava , opening up a direct path to [me]_238-ava and [the twins]_{2012-the twins} . [I]_238-ava move forward , desperate to look into those eyes , to touch [her]_238-ava and feel [her]_238-ava respond , even if it ’s just a light squeeze of [my]_238-ava hand . [I]_238-ava ’ve missed [her]_238-ava so much . But when [our]_2238-our eyes connect , [Ava]_238-ava frowns , flicking [her]_238-ava gaze to [the children]_{2217-the children} and then back to [me]_238-ava . [I]_238-ava stop , watching carefully as [she]_238-ava seems to assess [us]_2238-our . Where ’s the sparkle in those eyes [I]_238-ava love so much ? Where ’s the love ? [My]_238-ava heart slows to a faint thud in [my]_238-ava chest , [my]_238-ava joy fading with it . Something is n’t right . “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava , do [you]_238-ava know who this is ? ” [the doctor]_{2188-the doctor} asks warily . [My]_238-ava head swings toward [him]_{2188-the doctor} in horror . “_[238-ava] Of course [she]_238-ava does , ” [I]_238-ava blurt . What is [he]_{2188-the doctor} suggesting ? [The doctor]_{2188-the doctor} ignores [me]_238-ava and moves closer to [Ava]_238-ava , whose eyes are still passing continuously between [me]_238-ava and [the kids]_{2010-the kids} . Still no sparkle . Still no love . “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava , tell [me]_0-i [your]_238-ava full name . ” [She]_238-ava does n’t hesitate . “_[238-ava] [Ava O’Shea]_238-ava . ” [I]_238-ava recoil , not quite sure what to make of this . [The doctor]_{2188-the doctor} flicks a glance toward [me]_238-ava . [I]_238-ava do n’t know what to make of [his]_{2143-uncle carmichael} look , either . “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava , do [you]_238-ava know who [this man]_{2143-uncle carmichael} is ? ” “_[238-ava] What ? ” [I]_238-ava blurt , [my]_238-ava horror growing . That horror reaches unspeakable heights when [[my]_238-ava wife]_238-ava slowly starts to shake [her]_238-ava head . “_[238-ava] No . ” [I]_238-ava gasp , suddenly struggling for breath . No ? “_[238-ava] Oh [my]_0-i goodness , ” [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} breathes , coming straight to [me]_238-ava and claiming [the children]_{2217-the children} . “_[238-ava] Come on , [darlings]_427-darlings . [Let]_81-let ’s go find [your]_238-ava pap . ” [She]_238-ava steers [them]_{2217-the children} out of [the room]_{202-the room} , [both of [them]_{2217-the children}]_{2217-the children} looking back at [me]_238-ava with confusion all over [their]_{2217-the children} faces . And [I]_238-ava just stand there , useless , staring into the eyes of [the woman who rules [my]_238-ava heart , trying to comprehend what ’s unfolding]_{2244-the woman who rules my heart , trying to comprehend what ’s unfolding} . “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava . ” [I]_238-ava barely get [her]_238-ava name out , [my]_238-ava mind frantically searching for words . “_[238-ava] Can [you]_238-ava tell [me]_0-i how [you]_238-ava crashed [[your]_238-ava car]_{387-your car} ? ” [the doctor]_{2188-the doctor} pushes on . [She]_238-ava shakes [her]_238-ava head on a frown , reaching up to rub [her]_238-ava forehead . But [her]_238-ava eyes never leave [mine]_0-i . [They]_2246-they ’re holding [me]_238-ava frozen where [I]_238-ava stand , taking [me]_238-ava in . “_[238-ava] And [this man]_{2143-uncle carmichael} is n’t familiar to [you]_238-ava ? ” [Dr. Peters]_{74-dr. peters} asks , making notes while [he]_{74-dr. peters} talks . [I]_430-me hold [my]_430-me breath , begging [she]_238-ava puts this right , praying that [I]_430-me did n’t hear [her]_238-ava correctly , that [she]_238-ava ’s just confused . Of course [she]_238-ava remembers [me]_430-me . [I]_430-me ’m [[her]_238-ava husband]_26-maddie . [I]_430-me ’m [the man who would lay down [his]_430-me life for [her]_238-ava]_26-maddie . [She]_238-ava has to remember [me]_430-me ! [She]_238-ava studies [me]_430-me for a few moments , looking [me]_430-me up and down , as if trying hard to place [me]_430-me . [My]_430-me heart cracks . “_[430-me] [I]_0-i do n’t recognize [him]_430-me . ” [She]_238-ava looks down at the sheets , and the inevitable tears start to pinch the back of [my]_430-me stunned eyes . “_[430-me] Do [you]_0-i have [any children]_{431-any children} , [Ava]_238-ava ? ” “_[238-ava] No . ” [She]_238-ava almost laughs , quickly looking up at [me]_238-ava again . [My]_238-ava world shatters into a million shards of devastation , and [I]_238-ava stagger toward a nearby chair , sitting down before [I]_238-ava fall . [Her]_238-ava gaze follows [me]_238-ava the entire way . “_[238-ava] [You]_0-i do n’t remember [me]_0-i ? ” [I]_238-ava whisper the words . “_[238-ava] Should [I]_0-i ? ” [she]_238-ava asks , [her]_238-ava laughter gone and clear worry in [her]_238-ava tone . [Her]_238-ava reply slays [me]_238-ava . It turns [my]_238-ava stomach and rips [my]_238-ava broken heart from [my]_238-ava chest . [I]_238-ava want to scream at [her]_238-ava , tell [her]_238-ava that yes , yes , [she]_238-ava should remember [me]_238-ava . Everything [we]_2248-we ’ve been through . Everything [we]_2248-we ’ve done together . How much [we]_2248-we love [each other]_{2249-each other} . “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava , this is [[your]_0-i husband]_238-ava . ” [The doctor]_{2188-the doctor} points toward [me]_454-jesse where [I]_454-jesse ’m slumped in the chair . “_[454-jesse] [Jesse]_454-jesse . ” “_[454-jesse] But [I]_0-i ’m not married , ” [she]_238-ava argues , seeming to be getting frustrated . Frustrated ? [She]_238-ava ’s frustrated ? [I]_0-i hate [myself]_0-i with a vengeance for concluding that [she]_238-ava has no fucking idea . [I]_0-i positively hate [myself]_0-i . [She]_238-ava does n’t remember [me]_0-i ? [[Her]_238-ava husband]_238-ava . [[Her]_238-ava Lord]_238-ava . [I]_0-i ca n’t take this . [I]_0-i ’m going to throw up . [I]_0-i dash out of [the room]_{195-the corridor} and sprint down [the corridor]_{195-the corridor} , thrusting the door to [the men]_{2252-the men} ’s open with force and falling into a cubicle . [I]_0-i have n’t eaten for days , but that does n’t seem to be a problem for [my]_0-i stomach . [I]_0-i retch and cough over [the toilet]_{2253-the toilet} . [She]_238-ava ’s forgotten [me]_0-i . Forgotten [[our]_2254-our kids]_{327-our kids} . What is this madness ? [My]_0-i body starts to ache with the force of [my]_0-i retching , and when [I]_0-i finally accept that there ’s nothing to bring up , [I]_0-i push [myself]_0-i up with too much effort and move to the sink to splash [my]_0-i face . [I]_0-i stare at [myself]_0-i in the mirror . [I]_0-i do n’t even recognize [myself]_0-i right now . [I]_0-i ’m pasty , [my]_0-i eyes are sunken , and [I]_0-i look drained . [I]_0-i am drained . [I]_0-i was before [Ava]_238-ava came around , and the small , momentary sliver of life [I]_0-i found when [she]_238-ava opened [her]_238-ava eyes has been cruelly snatched away . What am [I]_0-i going to do ? How do [I]_0-i fix this ? The only thing in this world that keeps [my]_0-i heart beating does n’t know who [I]_0-i am . A tap on the door prompts [me]_0-i to look past [my]_0-i frightful reflection . “_[0-i] [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} ? ” [The doctor]_{2188-the doctor} ’s voice has lost all the hope that filled it when [Ava]_238-ava woke from [her]_238-ava coma . Now it ’s back to sympathetic . “_{[57-mr. ward]} [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} , are [you]_{57-mr. ward} in [there]_2051-there ? ” The door opens and [Dr. Peters]_{74-dr. peters} appears , [his]_{74-dr. peters} lips pressed tightly together when [he]_{74-dr. peters} finds [me]_433-her holding [myself]_433-her up by the basin . “_[433-her] [She]_433-her does n’t remember [me]_0-i , [[her]_433-her own husband]_{434-her own husband} , and not even [[our]_435-our babies]_{2089-our babies} ? ” [I]_{57-mr. ward} swallow down the lump making [me]_{57-mr. ward} choke on every word , wondering why [I]_{57-mr. ward} ’m posing it as a question . It ’s not like [I]_{57-mr. ward} heard [her]_433-her wrong . It ’s not like [I]_{57-mr. ward} did n’t see the total blankness in [her]_433-her eyes when [she]_433-her looked at [me]_{57-mr. ward} and [the twins]_{2252-the men} . [The doctor]_{2188-the doctor} enters [the men]_{2252-the men} ’s , shutting the door quietly and slowly behind [him]_{2188-the doctor} . Clearing [his]_{2188-the doctor} throat and plunging [his]_{2188-the doctor} hands into [his]_{2188-the doctor} pockets , [he]_{2188-the doctor} finds [my]_{57-mr. ward} eyes in the mirror . [I]_{57-mr. ward} ca n’t turn to face [him]_{2188-the doctor} . [My]_{57-mr. ward} hands wedged against the edge of [the basin]_{2259-the basin} are the only thing holding [me]_{57-mr. ward} up . “_{[57-mr. ward]} [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} , it would seem [[your]_437-you wife]_{364-your wife} is suffering from amnestic syndrome . ” “_{[57-mr. ward]} What ? ” [I]_{57-mr. ward} snap . “_{[57-mr. ward]} Memory loss . ” “_{[57-mr. ward]} No fucking shit , brainiac , ” [I]_{57-mr. ward} mutter . Is [he]_{57-mr. ward} just going to state the fucking obvious ? Ignoring [my]_{57-mr. ward} rudeness , [he]_{57-mr. ward} goes on . “_{[57-mr. ward]} Having chatted briefly with [Ava]_238-ava , there appears to be a clear divide in [her]_238-ava memory . ” “_{[57-mr. ward]} What do [you]_437-you mean ? ” [I]_0-i ask , [my]_0-i forehead bunching . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i mean , from what [I]_0-i have established thus far , there is an obvious cutoff point in [her]_238-ava memory . ” [He]_{57-mr. ward} points to the side of [his]_{57-mr. ward} head . “_[238-ava] The part of [her]_238-ava brain that stores certain memories has been traumatized . [Our]_439-our ability to recall memories is a very complex process , without the added handicap of a brain trauma . ” [I]_400-doctor close [my]_400-doctor eyes , trying to allow all the information to sink in . “_[400-doctor] What are [you]_437-you saying , [doctor]_400-doctor ? ” [I]_400-doctor ask outright . “_[400-doctor] [I]_0-i ’m saying [[your]_0-i wife]_{364-your wife} has lost the last sixteen years of [her]_{364-your wife} life . ” “_[400-doctor] What ? ” [I]_400-doctor swing around to face [him]_400-doctor . “_[400-doctor] That ’s [me]_0-i . [All of [me]_0-i]_{442-all of me} , all of [our]_{442-all of me} time together . Are [you]_437-you telling [me]_0-i [she]_{364-your wife} wo n’t remember any of it ? Nothing ? ” “_{[364-your wife]} The majority of [patients who suffer from amnesia as a result of trauma]_{443-patients who suffer from amnesia as a result of trauma} will recover fully . How long that recovery takes depends on so much — the severity of the injury , [the patient]_{444-the patient} ’s frame of mind , [their]_{443-patients who suffer from amnesia as a result of trauma} short - term and long - term memory . ” “_{[445-the majority of patients]} [The majority of [patients]_446-patients]_{445-the majority of patients} ? ” [I]_238-ava ask , homing in on that part and that part alone . “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava is [a young , healthy woman]_238-ava , [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} . The odds are in [her]_238-ava favor . ” “_[238-ava] And if [she]_238-ava does n’t fully recover ? ” “_[238-ava] The memories remain lost , ” [he]_{57-mr. ward} says bluntly , making [me]_238-ava wince . [The kids]_{2010-the kids} ’ lives to this point . [Me]_238-ava . [She]_{364-your wife} ’ll lose it all ? “_[238-ava] What about medication ? ” “_[238-ava] There is no physical or mental disorder present , [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} . [She]_{364-your wife} does n’t need medication . What [she]_{364-your wife} needs is [[her]_{364-your wife} family]_{447-her family} to help [her]_{364-your wife} retrieve [her]_{364-your wife} lost memories . To support [her]_{364-your wife} . There are many therapy options [we]_448-we can consider , such as cognitive behavioral therapy , [EMDR]_82-emdr , energy psychology , neurofeedback , and maybe even hypnosis . ” [His]_{57-mr. ward} spew of words means nothing to [me]_{364-your wife} . [I]_{364-your wife} ’m lost in this crazy . “_{[364-your wife]} [She]_{364-your wife} does n’t even know who [I]_0-i am , ” [I]_{364-your wife} grate . “_{[364-your wife]} What am [I]_0-i supposed to do ? Just take [her]_{364-your wife} [home]_201-home and hope [she]_{364-your wife} ’ll suddenly remember [me]_0-i ? ” “_{[364-your wife]} It ’s all [you]_450-you can do , [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} . That and support [her]_{364-your wife} in any therapy sessions [we]_448-we decide to try in order to help . ” [He]_{57-mr. ward} takes the door handle , smiling mildly . “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava realizes that [she]_{364-your wife} ’s forgotten things . That ’ll be both frustrating and upsetting , especially where [[her]_{364-your wife} children]_{451-her children} are concerned . [She]_{364-your wife} might have issues with short - term memory , too , and daily life will take its toll . [You]_452-you need to be strong , [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} . [You]_452-you need to help [her]_{364-your wife} try to remember . ” “_[452-you] [I]_0-i do n’t think a Reminder Fuck is going to suffice right now , ” [I]_452-you mumble . “_[452-you] Pardon ? ” [The doctor]_{2188-the doctor} looks at [me]_0-i like [I]_0-i might be going [loo - la]_{4-loo - la} . [He]_{2188-the doctor} could be right . [I]_0-i shake [my]_0-i head and try to take in what [he]_{2188-the doctor} ’s said . Help [her]_{364-your wife} . Help [her]_{364-your wife} try to find the endless memories [we]_2262-we share . [I]_0-i stand up straight and pull [my]_0-i shoulders back , a physical act of determination that [I]_0-i ’m trying so hard to back up with mental determination . [I]_0-i can do this . [I]_0-i have to do this . There ’s no way [I]_0-i ’m going to allow [our]_2262-we history to slip away like it never happened . No way . [I]_0-i ’ll do anything . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’ll do whatever it takes . ” [I]_0-i nod to [myself]_0-i and make [my]_0-i way to the door , passing [the doctor]_{2188-the doctor} without another word , now full to the brim with the mental determination [I]_0-i was missing only a moment ago . There ’s only one way to approach this . Gently . Patiently . Sensitively . Softly - softly . [I]_0-i blow out a breath , laughing at [myself]_0-i . Good God , this is going to be a battle like no other . Chapter 8 As [I]_0-i approach [[her]_{364-your wife} room]_{202-the room} , [Ava]_238-ava is sitting up a little in the bed , [her]_238-ava fingers twiddling with the thin white sheets . The wound on [her]_238-ava head has been redressed , the bandage stark white against [her]_238-ava dark hair . [Her]_238-ava face is full of concentration , [her]_238-ava eyes squinting every now and then . [She]_238-ava ’s trying to remember , and it breaks [my]_0-i fucking heart to see it . It also renews [my]_0-i resolve . [I]_0-i ’ll die before [I]_0-i let [her]_238-ava memories turn to dust . [I]_0-i rap softly on the open door , prompting [Ava]_238-ava to look up quickly . [She]_238-ava winces , bringing [her]_238-ava hand to the back of [her]_238-ava neck and rubbing . [I]_0-i ’m across [the room]_{202-the room} like a bullet , forgetting everything gently - gently . “_[0-i] For fuck ’s sake , [Ava]_238-ava , be careful ! ” [I]_238-ava stop abruptly a few feet from [her]_238-ava bed when [she]_238-ava recoils , looking at [me]_238-ava with wide , shocked eyes . Oh shit . Too much ? Every instinct is telling [me]_238-ava to rub [her]_238-ava neck for [her]_238-ava , to chastise [her]_238-ava for not taking care of [herself]_238-ava and chastise [her]_238-ava more when [her]_238-ava inevitable feistiness kicks in . But instead , and it fucking kills [me]_238-ava , [I]_238-ava back up , giving [her]_238-ava a little space . “_[238-ava] [You]_238-ava should be careful , ” [I]_238-ava say , an air of awkwardness already drenching [the small room]_{202-the room} , and [I]_238-ava ’ve not even introduced [myself]_238-ava . Introduced [myself]_238-ava ? Do [I]_238-ava need to do that ? [I]_238-ava frown at [my]_238-ava feet , wondering what the fucking hell to say . Oh hey , pleasure to meet [you]_238-ava . [I]_238-ava ’m [[your]_238-ava husband]_238-ava . [You]_238-ava call [me]_238-ava [the Lord]_238-ava . [I]_238-ava ’m a crazy , challenging , unreasonable pain in [your]_238-ava arse ; [I]_238-ava ’m possessive , [I]_238-ava trample all over [the place]_{2265-the place} — [your]_238-ava words , not [mine]_238-ava — but by some fucking miracle , [you]_238-ava love [me]_238-ava nonetheless . [We]_2266-we have sex . Lots of it , and [you]_238-ava humor [my]_238-ava need to have [you]_238-ava wearing lace every day . Oh , did [I]_238-ava mention that [I]_238-ava owned a sex club one time ? [The Manor]_{190-the manor} . It ’s now [some swanky golf complex]_{2268-some swanky golf complex} . [We]_2266-we fell in love fast . Well , [I]_238-ava did . [You]_238-ava played hard to get . So [I]_238-ava stalked [you]_238-ava until [you]_238-ava relented , because [I]_238-ava knew there was something there . [We]_2266-we just … [we]_2266-we made so much fucking sense , but then [my]_238-ava crazy past started to get in the way , and [I]_238-ava thought it would be a good idea to try to hide it all from [you]_238-ava . Oh , and [I]_238-ava forgot one of the main points . [I]_238-ava ’m [a recovering alcoholic]_{2269-a recovering alcoholic} . Before [I]_238-ava met [you]_238-ava , [I]_238-ava drank and [I]_238-ava fucked [many women]_{2270-many women} . That was [my]_238-ava life . [We]_2266-we ’ve had some pretty shitty times , but the good far outweighed the bad , and [you]_238-ava stuck by [me]_238-ava through it all . [I]_238-ava really do n’t deserve [you]_238-ava , but [you]_238-ava stayed with [me]_238-ava despite all of [my]_238-ava sins , and to top it all off , [you]_238-ava gave [me]_238-ava [[my]_238-ava babies]_{216-my babies} . [Two perfect babies]_{216-my babies} . Did [I]_238-ava mention [I]_238-ava was married before [you]_238-ava ? No ? Well , [I]_238-ava was . [I]_238-ava also had [a little girl]_{2272-a little girl} , but [I]_238-ava lost [her]_{2272-a little girl} … [I]_238-ava cough away the distress creeping up into [my]_238-ava throat , the enormity of [my]_238-ava situation slapping [me]_238-ava hard in the face . [I]_238-ava ’ve always been in awe of [Ava]_238-ava ’s ability to love [me]_238-ava so fiercely . Please , [God]_373-god , please . [I]_238-ava beg that [she]_{2272-a little girl} finds that ability again . “_[238-ava] So apparently [you]_453-you ’re [[my]_0-i husband]_454-jesse , ” [she]_{2272-a little girl} says quietly , an inappropriate tinge of humor lacing [her]_{2272-a little girl} statement . [I]_453-you look up through [my]_453-you lashes , wondering if it ’s a good thing that [she]_{2272-a little girl} seems a bit amused by the fact that [she]_{2272-a little girl} has [a husband]_454-jesse . Then [I]_453-you catch sight of [her]_{2272-a little girl} frowning face and conclude that it ’s a bad thing . [She]_{2272-a little girl} ’s looking at [me]_453-you in … oh , fuck . Is that disappointment ? Maybe [she]_{2272-a little girl} ’s not so surprised that [she]_{2272-a little girl} ’s married , just surprised that [she]_{2272-a little girl} ’s married to [me]_453-you . “_[453-you] [You]_453-you look … taken aback . ” [I]_453-you move across to the chair and sit down calmly , watching as [Ava]_238-ava starts to spin [her]_238-ava wedding ring on [her]_238-ava finger . [She]_238-ava shrugs a little . “_[453-you] [I]_0-i guess [you]_453-you ’re a little older than [I]_0-i imagined . ” Another frown . “_[453-you] Well , if [I]_0-i ever imagined [I]_0-i would be married . ” [Ouch]_83-ouch ! [I]_453-you shift on [my]_453-you chair , injured , though showing it would be selfish , given the state of [[my]_453-you wife]_26-maddie . “_[453-you] [You]_453-you ’re only as old as [the woman [you]_453-you feel]_26-maddie , ” [I]_453-you mutter pathetically instead . “_[453-you] So how old am [I]_0-i ? ” “_[0-i] Thirty - eight . ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i am ? ” [She]_238-ava recoils , surprised . “_[0-i] Then how old are [you]_453-you ? ” [My]_0-i lips press together , not prepared to reveal that little detail . It ’s like déjà fucking vu . “_[0-i] Twenty - one , ” [I]_0-i say coolly , trying not to scowl at [her]_238-ava when [her]_238-ava eyebrows jump up in surprise . And [she]_238-ava coughs . [She]_238-ava fucking coughs . [My]_0-i scowl breaks free and [my]_0-i teeth grind , but [I]_0-i ca n’t pull [her]_238-ava up on it . “_[0-i] Twenty - one ? ” [I]_0-i nod , confirming that [I]_0-i really am a twat . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i might have lost [my]_0-i memory , but [I]_0-i have n’t lost [my]_0-i eyesight . ” Well , is n’t [she]_238-ava just full of compliments . “_[0-i] It ’s just a game [we]_456-we used to play . ” “_[0-i] A game where [you]_453-you lied about [your]_453-you age ? ” [I]_0-i laugh under [my]_0-i breath a little . “_[0-i] Pretty much . ” [I]_0-i neglect to mention the reason behind [my]_0-i tactics at the time , because [I]_0-i ’m adopting the same tactic now . [I]_0-i do n’t want to put [her]_238-ava off , and that ’s a killer of a thought at this stage in [our]_456-we lives . [I]_0-i ’ve been married to [this woman]_238-ava for twelve fucking years , and [I]_0-i ’m worried [she]_238-ava might reject [me]_0-i . What kind of fucked - up nightmare am [I]_0-i in ? Though , [Lord]_2273-lord knows , it ’s going to take a lot more asks to reach [my]_0-i real age on this occasion , and [I]_0-i definitely wo n’t be sharing how [she]_238-ava finally managed to extract the information from [me]_0-i all those years ago . [I]_0-i shudder , recalling the hellish few hours that [she]_238-ava had [me]_0-i handcuffed to the bed . [I]_0-i sigh and inch forward on the chair , scrubbing [my]_0-i hands through [my]_0-i hair . “_[0-i] Do [you]_457-you remember anything ? ” [I]_238-ava ask , [my]_238-ava eyes pleading with [her]_238-ava . “_[238-ava] Not one tiny thing , [Ava]_238-ava ? ” [Her]_238-ava face fills with sadness , but [I]_238-ava ’m not sure if it ’s sadness for [me]_238-ava or sadness for [herself]_238-ava . [She]_238-ava shakes [her]_238-ava head , looking back down at [her]_238-ava wedding ring . “_[238-ava] [I]_0-i feel so misplaced . ” [Her]_238-ava voice cracks , and one single tear splashes [her]_238-ava forearm . That ’s it . It ’s not natural for [me]_238-ava to be sitting [here]_2274-here . [I]_238-ava get up and go to [her]_238-ava , sitting on the edge of [her]_238-ava bed and taking [her]_238-ava hands in [mine]_238-ava , avoiding going in for a full - on cuddle . It ’s ridiculous to think that [I]_238-ava do n’t want to push [my]_238-ava luck . With [[my]_238-ava own fucking wife]_{2275-my own fucking wife} . “_[238-ava] [You]_458-you are not misplaced , ” [I]_238-ava say calmly , seeing more tears fall . “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava , look at [me]_0-i . ” [My]_238-ava demand is way too harsh given [our]_2276-our situation . Not that it matters . [She]_{2275-my own fucking wife} looks up at [me]_238-ava , and [our]_2276-our stares instantly lock , [her]_{2275-my own fucking wife} brown eyes gazing deeply into mine as [I]_238-ava squeeze [her]_{2275-my own fucking wife} hands . [Her]_{2275-my own fucking wife} lips part a fraction , and something appears in [her]_{2275-my own fucking wife} eyes — something familiar . Desire . It ’s faint , but it ’s there , a small reaction , and [I]_238-ava cling to it with everything [I]_238-ava have . “_[238-ava] [You]_458-you feel that ? ” [I]_238-ava whisper , starting to fiddle with [her]_{2275-my own fucking wife} ring [myself]_238-ava . [Her]_{2275-my own fucking wife} slight nod forces [me]_238-ava to swallow down [my]_238-ava relief before it chokes [me]_238-ava . “_[238-ava] That ’s just the very beginning , [Ava]_238-ava . That ’s just the spark that set [our]_459-our worlds alight . ” Determination is now running rampant through [my]_460-my veins , that small reaction driving it . “_[460-my] This head of [yours]_460-my . ” [I]_460-my gently stroke down [her]_238-ava cheek , relishing [her]_238-ava slight nuzzle into [my]_460-my palm . “_[460-my] It ’s been consumed by [me]_0-i for twelve years , [lady]_238-ava . [I]_0-i ’m not about to let [you]_238-ava forget [our]_459-our story . [I]_0-i will make [you]_238-ava remember . It ’s [my]_0-i mission objective . [I]_0-i ’ll do anything . ” [She]_238-ava sniffles , nodding , and everything tells [me]_0-i that [she]_238-ava ’s accepting so easily because there ’s something inside telling [her]_238-ava that [she]_238-ava should trust [me]_0-i . That [she]_238-ava belongs with [me]_0-i . “_[0-i] That smell , ” [she]_238-ava says out of the blue , tugging [me]_0-i toward [her]_238-ava . [I]_0-i go with ease , a little taken aback when [she]_238-ava buries [her]_238-ava face in [my]_0-i neck , no matter how amazing it feels to have [her]_238-ava so close . [She]_238-ava inhales deeply and [I]_0-i wrap [my]_0-i arms around [her]_238-ava as best [I]_0-i can , not missing the opportunity [she]_238-ava ’s instigated . “_[0-i] It ’s [my]_0-i favorite smell . ” [I]_0-i smile and close [my]_0-i eyes . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i know . ” Chapter 9 [Ava]_238-ava [I]_{424-elizabeth} do n’t recognize [him]_2277-his . Not visually , anyway , but [my]_{424-elizabeth} body seems to know exactly who [he]_2277-his is . It ’s like [he]_2277-his ’s familiar to [me]_{424-elizabeth} , yet [I]_{424-elizabeth} ca n’t place [him]_2277-his . [He]_2277-his ’s handsome , so very handsome ; [I]_{424-elizabeth} can see it even through the sallowness of [his]_2277-his skin and glaze of [his]_2277-his tired eyes . [His]_2277-his scent , a mix of fresh water and the freshest mint , is [my]_{424-elizabeth} favorite , though [I]_{424-elizabeth} do n’t think [I]_{424-elizabeth} ’ve ever smelled it before . [His]_2277-his face , cut with stress , is harsh but soft . [His]_2277-his green eyes are sad but hopeful . [He]_2277-his looks at [me]_{424-elizabeth} like [I]_{424-elizabeth} ’m [[his]_2277-his savior]_{2278-his savior} and [his]_2277-his downfall . [I]_{424-elizabeth} feel lost . Lost and bewildered . [I]_{424-elizabeth} ’m listening to what [people]_2279-people are saying — [the doctor]_{2188-the doctor} , [[my]_{424-elizabeth} mum]_{424-elizabeth} — and it ’s impossible to comprehend what [they]_2279-people ’re telling [me]_{424-elizabeth} . [I]_{424-elizabeth} ’m married . [I]_{424-elizabeth} have [eleven - year - old twins]_{2282-eleven - year - old twins} . [I]_{424-elizabeth} ’m not in [my]_{424-elizabeth} early twenties , but in [my]_{424-elizabeth} late thirties . It ’s madness , and if it were n’t for [[my]_{424-elizabeth} mother]_{424-elizabeth} , [the woman [I]_{424-elizabeth} trust most in [the world]_{2163-the world}]_{424-elizabeth} , backing up what [the doctor]_{2188-the doctor} ’s saying , [I]_{424-elizabeth} would n’t believe it . [I]_{424-elizabeth} would n’t believe the gaps [they]_2279-people ’re filling in with wild tales of [my]_{424-elizabeth} love for [this man]_{2143-uncle carmichael} and [our]_2285-our life together . [We]_2285-our were married within a couple of months of knowing each other . [I]_{424-elizabeth} was pregnant within a few weeks . That does n’t sound like [me]_{424-elizabeth} . [I]_{424-elizabeth} ’ve never been hasty when it comes to life - changing decisions , nor careless . [I]_{424-elizabeth} ’ve always been independent and ambitious . [The woman [they]_2279-people are telling [me]_{424-elizabeth} [I]_{424-elizabeth} am]_{2286-the woman they are telling me i am} does n’t sound like [me]_{424-elizabeth} . Yet , [this man who has been here]_{2143-uncle carmichael} almost constantly makes something inside [me]_{424-elizabeth} kick . [My]_{424-elizabeth} heart pumps faster when [he]_{2143-uncle carmichael} is here . And [my]_{424-elizabeth} brain feels like it ’s trying to jump - start , trying to dislodge memories that [I]_{424-elizabeth} ’ve lost . Memories of [him]_{2143-uncle carmichael} ? [I]_{424-elizabeth} ’m [a mother]_{2287-a mother} . [I]_{424-elizabeth} ’m [a wife]_{2287-a mother} . And [I]_{424-elizabeth} have no idea how [I]_{424-elizabeth} ’m supposed to do either of those jobs . [I]_{424-elizabeth} have to go [home]_201-home with [a man [I]_{424-elizabeth} do not know]_454-jesse . [I]_{424-elizabeth} have to take care of [two children]_{2290-two children} [I]_{424-elizabeth} do not know . Yet everything inside [me]_{424-elizabeth} is telling [me]_{424-elizabeth} to do it . [The man]_454-jesse , [[my]_{424-elizabeth} husband]_454-jesse , [he]_454-jesse radiates comfort . When [he]_454-jesse held [me]_{424-elizabeth} and let [me]_{424-elizabeth} cry into [his]_454-jesse chest , [I]_{424-elizabeth} suddenly did n’t feel lost anymore . [I]_{424-elizabeth} felt safe , and [I]_{424-elizabeth} ’m not sure if that feeling was spiked by [my]_{424-elizabeth} need for [someone]_454-jesse to just hold [me]_{424-elizabeth} and tell [me]_{424-elizabeth} everything was going to be okay , or if it was simply [him]_454-jesse that made [me]_{424-elizabeth} feel that way . Just [him]_454-jesse . [[My]_{424-elizabeth} husband]_454-jesse . Chapter 10 This is the stupidest idea [you]_454-jesse ’ve ever had , [Jesse]_454-jesse , and [you]_454-jesse ’ve had some pretty stupid ideas in [your]_454-jesse time . ”_{[424-elizabeth]} [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} slams [her]_{424-elizabeth} empty coffee cup down on the table , enraged by [my]_0-i suggestion . [I]_0-i do n’t flinch , maybe because [I]_0-i ’m numb . But [my]_0-i stupid idea is the best chance of getting [Ava]_238-ava better . It ’s been three days since [she]_238-ava woke up . Three days of tears , frustration , and hopelessness . For [both of [us]_{461-both of us}]_{461-both of us} . [I]_0-i ’ve sat in [that room]_{462-that room} studying [her]_238-ava , watching [her]_238-ava mind spin , [her]_238-ava eyes squint , [her]_238-ava breaths turn shallow as [she]_238-ava fights to regain [her]_238-ava lost memories . [She]_238-ava ’s seen [a therapist who wants to continue the sessions once [she]_238-ava leaves [the hospital]_{384-the hospital}]_{463-a therapist who wants to continue the sessions once she leaves the hospital} . [Ava]_238-ava sounded noncommittal when [she]_238-ava murmured [her]_238-ava agreement and scheduled another appointment . [I]_0-i do n’t blame [her]_238-ava . That hour was a stress - fest for [both of [us]_{461-both of us}]_{461-both of us} , each question posed by [the therapist]_{463-a therapist who wants to continue the sessions once she leaves the hospital} resulting in tears from [Ava]_238-ava and further agony for [me]_0-i . [She]_238-ava ca n’t remember anything about [us]_{461-both of us} . [The doctor]_{2188-the doctor} says [she]_238-ava ’s ready to go [home]_201-home , but [she]_238-ava ’s going [home]_201-home with [a man [she]_238-ava ’s basically known for three days and a couple of kids who are strangers to [her]_238-ava]_{467-a man she ’s basically known for three days and a couple of kids who are strangers to her} . The pain that thought spikes in [my]_0-i chest is excruciating , but that ’s how it is . [I]_0-i ’m being brutally honest with [myself]_0-i and with [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} . [Ava]_238-ava does n’t know [us]_{461-both of us} . It ’s [my]_0-i cold , hard reality . “ [I]_238-ava do n’t want [the kids]_{2010-the kids} to feel how [I]_238-ava ’m feeling , [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} . [I]_238-ava do n’t want [them]_{2010-the kids} to see [[their]_{2010-the kids} mother]_{2293-their mother} looking at [them]_{2010-the kids} like [they]_{2010-the kids} ’re [strangers]_{2294-strangers} , because it ’s fucking agony . ”_[238-ava] “ But [the doctor]_{2188-the doctor} said [she]_238-ava needs [[her]_238-ava family]_{447-her family} around [her]_238-ava to help [her]_238-ava remember . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i slam [my]_0-i fist on the table , [my]_0-i frustration getting the better of [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i only feel mildly guilty when [[Ava]_238-ava ’s mother]_{424-elizabeth} jumps out of [her]_{424-elizabeth} chair . “ [She]_{424-elizabeth} thinks [she]_{424-elizabeth} ’s twenty - two , for fuck ’s sake . [She]_{424-elizabeth} ’s still single in [her]_{424-elizabeth} head , just starting out in [her]_{424-elizabeth} career . Everything after that is gone , and [I]_{424-elizabeth} will move [fucking mountains]_{2297-fucking mountains} to make sure [she]_{424-elizabeth} finds [me]_{424-elizabeth} and [the twins]_{2217-the children} amid that chaos in [her]_{424-elizabeth} poor head . ”_{[424-elizabeth]} [I]_0-i take a breath and sit back , leaving silence between [us]_469-we . It ’s a novelty to see [[my]_0-i mother]_{424-elizabeth} - in - law rendered speechless . “ [I]_{424-elizabeth} ’m asking [you]_{424-elizabeth} to take [the children]_{2217-the children} on holiday for [me]_{424-elizabeth} . Keep [their]_{2217-the children} minds busy . Let [them]_{2217-the children} be [kids]_{2217-the children} . [I]_{424-elizabeth} promise [you]_{424-elizabeth} , [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} , [I]_{424-elizabeth} swear , [I]_{424-elizabeth} just know if [I]_{424-elizabeth} can spike memories of [me]_{424-elizabeth} and [Ava]_238-ava , how [we]_469-we met , how [we]_469-we fell in love , the rest will follow naturally . [You]_{424-elizabeth} have to trust [me]_{424-elizabeth} . [I]_{424-elizabeth} ’ve talked to [the school]_{2041-the school} . [They]_{2217-the children} ’re understanding and supportive , given the circumstances . ”_{[424-elizabeth]} “ How long do [you]_{424-elizabeth} want ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i shrug . “ A week . Maybe two . [I]_0-i do n’t know . ”_[0-i] Maybe all the time in [the world]_{2163-the world} wo n’t be enough . Maybe the memories are gone forever . [I]_0-i inwardly flinch . No . [I]_0-i have to be positive . And there ’s no way on [earth]_471-earth [I]_0-i ’ll survive very long without [the kids]_{2217-the children} around . “ [We]_{2217-the children} ’ll stay in touch every day . Please , [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} . [I]_{424-elizabeth} need this time . ”_{[424-elizabeth]} [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} ’s lips purse tightly . [I]_0-i realize [she]_{424-elizabeth} has difficulty letting [someone else]_{267-someone else} take charge of [[her]_{424-elizabeth} daughter]_32-mum , [she]_32-mum always has , but [she]_32-mum needs to work with [me]_0-i this time . “ And what are [you]_2300-you planning to say to [the children]_{2217-the children} , because [they]_{2217-the children} think [[their]_{2217-the children} mother]_{2293-their mother} is going [home]_201-home to [them]_{2217-the children} this evening ? ”_[32-mum] [She]_32-mum will not make [me]_0-i question [myself]_0-i . [I]_0-i know what is best for [[my]_0-i family]_{358-my family} . “ [I]_0-i ’ll talk to [them]_{2217-the children} . [They]_{2217-the children} ’ll understand . ”_[0-i] “ [You]_2300-you hope [they]_{2217-the children} ’ll understand , [Jesse]_454-jesse . [Their]_{2217-the children} worlds have been turned upside down , too . [They]_{2217-the children} need [[their]_{2217-the children} father]_{2213-their father} , as much as [[their]_{2217-the children} mother]_{2293-their mother} . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i brush [my]_0-i hands over the overgrown stubble on [my]_0-i jaw , so fucking exhausted . Has n’t life thrown enough challenges [my]_0-i way ? “ And [I]_0-i ’m going to get [them]_{2217-the children} both back , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i vow . Because right now , [Ava]_238-ava and [I]_0-i are n’t [ourselves]_{476-ourselves} . Placing [her]_238-ava handbag on [her]_238-ava lap , [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} studies [me]_0-i across the table , probably wondering where [I]_0-i might find the strength from , because [I]_0-i sure as shit look as beaten as [I]_0-i feel . “ [You]_2305-you look terrible . ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava insult is an acceptance without actually saying the words , and typical of [[my]_0-i mother]_{424-elizabeth} - in - law . “ Yeah , well , it ’s been a rough few days . ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i sigh , looking across the café when [I]_0-i spot [Kate]_194-kate ’s red hair . [She]_194-kate scans the space for a few seconds before [she]_194-kate sees [me]_0-i and gives the same sympathetic smile [she]_194-kate ’s given [me]_0-i every time [I]_0-i ’ve seen [her]_194-kate since [Ava]_238-ava was admitted . “ Hey , ”_[194-kate] [she]_194-kate says when [she]_194-kate arrives at [our]_478-our table . “ Any news ? ”_[194-kate] “ What , like if [[my]_0-i wife]_194-kate knows who [I]_0-i am yet ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ask , getting up from [my]_0-i chair . [Neither of [them]_{2010-the kids}]_{2010-the kids} answers [my]_0-i sarcastic question , both remaining silent and awkward . “ [I]_{2010-the kids} ’m going to pick up [the kids]_{2010-the kids} . Talk to [them]_{2010-the kids} . ”_{[2010-the kids]} “ Where are [they]_{2010-the kids} ? ”_{[424-elizabeth]} [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} asks . “ With [[my]_0-i mum]_{2281-my mum} and [dad]_2307-dad . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i give [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} a kiss on the cheek , squeezing [her]_{424-elizabeth} arm in a sign of [my]_0-i thanks . [I]_0-i know [she]_{424-elizabeth} appreciates [my]_0-i gratitude when [she]_{424-elizabeth} squeezes [mine]_0-i in return . “ [I]_{424-elizabeth} ’ll call [you]_{424-elizabeth} . ”_{[424-elizabeth]} “ Okay . ”_{[424-elizabeth]} [She]_{424-elizabeth} breaks away and heads toward [[Ava]_238-ava ’s room]_{2211-ava ’s room} . “ [I]_194-kate ’ll give [her]_238-ava some time with [Ava]_238-ava before [I]_194-kate head down . ”_[194-kate] [Kate]_194-kate links arms with [me]_0-i . “ Come on , [I]_194-kate ’ll walk [you]_{424-elizabeth} to [[your]_{424-elizabeth} car]_{387-your car} . ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i let [Kate]_194-kate ’s pregnant belly lead the way to [the car park]_{2152-the car park} , trying to psych [myself]_0-i up for what lies ahead . It ’s a waste . Nothing can prepare [me]_0-i . “ [Jesse]_454-jesse , [you]_454-jesse should know there was a report in the local newspaper yesterday about the accident . [They]_{2309-the police} mentioned [Ava]_238-ava , [you]_454-jesse , even [the damn health club]_{2310-the damn health club} . And [her]_238-ava memory loss . ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate shrugs when [I]_0-i throw [her]_194-kate a questioning look . “ [They]_{2309-the police} ’re asking for [witnesses]_{2311-witnesses} . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i sigh . “ [The police]_{2309-the police} already told [me]_0-i [she]_194-kate did n’t have [her]_194-kate seat belt on . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m still so furious with [her]_194-kate but unable to unleash it . “ Apparently [she]_194-kate was reaching into [her]_194-kate bag for [her]_194-kate phone . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i swallow , batting back [my]_0-i anger . “ [She]_194-kate has [Bluetooth]_84-bluetooth . [I]_0-i do n’t know why [she]_194-kate ’d need [her]_194-kate phone . ”_[0-i] “ A text . An e - mail . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i nod , though no excuse could make [her]_194-kate recklessness okay . “ [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} and [Joseph]_51-joseph are taking [the kids]_{2010-the kids} to [the coast]_{2109-the coast} for a while , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i tell [Kate]_194-kate , feeling [her]_194-kate look up at [me]_0-i in surprise . “ This is too much for [Ava]_238-ava , [Kate]_194-kate , ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i start to explain , hoping [she]_194-kate gets where [I]_0-i ’m coming from . “ [I]_194-kate can see how overwhelmed [she]_194-kate is . [Me]_194-kate , [the kids]_{2010-the kids} , sixteen years of missing memories from [her]_194-kate life . [You]_194-kate ’re one of [the only people in [her]_194-kate life]_{2314-the only people in her life} that [she]_194-kate actually knows right now . ”_[194-kate] “ So what are [you]_194-kate going to do ? ”_[194-kate] [Kate]_194-kate brings [us]_482-us to a stop and turns toward [me]_0-i . The huge Hospital sign past [her]_194-kate on the side of [the colossal building]_{483-the colossal building} is glowing , despite it still being daylight . An important beacon . [I]_0-i ’m sick of the sight of it . Unreasonably , [I]_0-i want to rip it from the bricks and set it alight . “ [She]_194-kate might not ever get [her]_194-kate memories back , [Kate]_194-kate . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i shrug and brace [myself]_0-i for what [I]_0-i ’m about to say , daunted . “ [I]_194-kate ’m [a stranger to [her]_194-kate]_194-kate . Just [a man]_{224-a man} . So [I]_194-kate have to go back to the beginning and try to make [her]_194-kate fall in love with [me]_194-kate again . ”_[194-kate] [Kate]_194-kate places [her]_194-kate hand on [my]_0-i arm . “ [You]_194-kate did it before . [You]_194-kate can do it again . ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i laugh a little under [my]_0-i breath , looking past [[Ava]_238-ava ’s best friend]_238-ava . “ [I]_0-i thank [my]_0-i lucky stars every day of [my]_0-i life that [I]_0-i found [her]_238-ava , [Kate]_194-kate . That for all [my]_0-i faults , [she]_238-ava loved [me]_0-i . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i smile a strained smile , one that ’s full of the sadness [I]_0-i feel . “ It ’s a crazy miracle that [she]_238-ava accepted [me]_0-i in the first place . [I]_0-i feel like [she]_238-ava was [my]_0-i one - in - a - million chance . What if [my]_0-i chance has gone ? What if [I]_0-i ca n’t make [her]_238-ava see ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i reach up to [my]_0-i chest and push [my]_0-i fist into [my]_0-i pecs , trying to stem the building pain . “ It would be the end of [me]_0-i . ”_[0-i] “ Where ’s the Jesse Ward [we]_2316-we all know and love ? ”_[194-kate] [Kate]_194-kate asks seriously , punching [me]_0-i lightly on the bicep . “ Love ? ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i ask on a slight hitch of an amused eyebrow . “ Yes , love , ”_[194-kate] [she]_194-kate retorts adamantly , following up [her]_194-kate previous light punch with a not so light one . “ Defeated does n’t suit [you]_2317-you , [Jesse]_454-jesse . [Ava]_238-ava did n’t marry [a quitter]_{2318-a quitter} . In fact , [I]_194-kate think [you]_2317-you ’ll find [she]_238-ava married [you]_2317-you because [you]_2317-you did n’t quit . [A man who does n’t give a shit what [people]_2279-people think]_{2319-a man who does n’t give a shit what people think} . [A man who tramples anything in [his]_{2319-a man who does n’t give a shit what people think} sight to get what [he]_{2319-a man who does n’t give a shit what people think} wants]_{2319-a man who does n’t give a shit what people think} . Do [you]_2317-you want [her]_194-kate back ? ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i look at [her]_194-kate , stunned . “ What ? ”_[0-i] “ [[Your]_2317-you wife]_194-kate . Do [you]_2317-you want [her]_194-kate back ? ”_[194-kate] “ Stupid fucking question , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i mutter . “ And ease off with the punching , will [you]_2317-you ? ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate ignores [my]_0-i scorn and points a finger in [my]_0-i face , forcing [me]_0-i to retreat or have it sinking into [my]_0-i eye socket . [Kate]_194-kate ’s [one of those people in this world who [you]_484-you ca n’t help but respect , even if [you]_484-you do n’t always agree with [her]_194-kate]_194-kate . And now [she]_194-kate ’s pregnant , so [I]_0-i would be wise not to argue . “ Then do what [you]_2317-you do best and fight for [her]_194-kate . ”_[194-kate] Pulling [her]_194-kate bag onto [her]_194-kate shoulder , [she]_194-kate battles to control [her]_194-kate wobbling lip . “ [[My]_194-kate best friend]_{2143-uncle carmichael} did n’t marry [a fucking pussy]_{2322-a fucking pussy} . ”_[194-kate] [My]_0-i eyes bug , and then [I]_0-i laugh a little . Call [me]_0-i what [you]_485-your like , but do n’t ever call [me]_0-i a fucking pussy . “ Watch [your]_485-your fucking mouth , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i mutter , loud but sheepishly , attracting the attention of [many people in [the vicinity]_{487-the vicinity}]_{486-many people in the vicinity} , not that [I]_0-i ’m much bothered by it . [Kate]_194-kate marches past [me]_0-i . Or as well as [a heavily pregnant woman]_{364-your wife} can march , which is more of a wobble . “ Save it for [[your]_485-your wife]_{364-your wife} , ”_[194-kate] [she]_194-kate yells over [her]_194-kate shoulder . “ [I]_194-kate ’m not a fucking pussy , ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i bark at [an old man who ’s stupid enough to come too close]_{489-an old man who ’s stupid enough to come too close} . [He]_{489-an old man who ’s stupid enough to come too close} nearly jumps out of [his]_{489-an old man who ’s stupid enough to come too close} skin and hotfoots it away from [me]_0-i . There ’s no room for guilt . It was [him]_{489-an old man who ’s stupid enough to come too close} or [Kate]_194-kate , and [Sam]_50-sam would skin [me]_0-i alive if [I]_0-i upset [her]_194-kate . [I]_0-i stalk to [[my]_0-i car]_{235-my car} , yank the door open , and throw [myself]_0-i into the seat , looking into the rearview mirror . [Jesus]_26-maddie , [Lord]_26-maddie , the state of [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i ’m not exactly enhancing [my]_0-i chances of succeeding in making [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie fall in love with [me]_0-i when [I]_0-i look like this . [I]_0-i need to straighten [myself]_0-i out . Desperately . And [I]_0-i need to do it before [I]_0-i pick up [the kids]_{2010-the kids} . [They]_{2010-the kids} need to see [me]_0-i looking as normal as possible , so when [I]_0-i explain to [them]_{2010-the kids} what is happening , [they]_{2010-the kids} will know that [I]_0-i am 100 percent together , and [I]_0-i need [them]_{2010-the kids} to be , too . Chapter 11 When [I]_0-i pull up outside [[[my]_0-i parents]_{493-my parents} ’ home]_{494-my parents ’ home} , [a small bungalow nestled in an idyllic suburb on [the outskirts of [the city]_{497-the city}]_{496-the outskirts of the city}]_{495-a small bungalow nestled in an idyllic suburb on the outskirts of the city} , [the kids]_{2010-the kids} are out the door before [I]_0-i ’ve had a chance to shut off the engine . The smile that crosses [my]_0-i face is n’t forced . [They]_{2010-the kids} ’re the only respite [I]_0-i have at the moment , the only peace in [[my]_0-i rocky world]_{498-my rocky world} , and while holding it together in front of [them]_{2010-the kids} is adding to [my]_0-i exhaustion , [I]_0-i ’m feeding off [their]_{2010-the kids} love and [their]_{2010-the kids} need to be close to [me]_0-i right now . Jumping out of [[my]_0-i car]_{235-my car} , [I]_0-i remove [my]_0-i shades and brace [myself]_0-i for [their]_{2010-the kids} attack . [They]_{2010-the kids} reach [me]_0-i at the same time , each finding [their]_{2010-the kids} places in [my]_0-i side . “ Can [we]_2323-we go now ? ”_{[2010-the kids]} [Maddie]_26-maddie asks , looking up at [me]_0-i . It ’s the question [I]_0-i was prepared for , yet the words [I]_0-i ’ve practiced all morning disappear on [me]_0-i . “ Let ’s head inside , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say , leading [them]_{2010-the kids} toward the front door . “ [I]_0-i need to talk to [[you]_0-i guys]_{2324-you guys} . ”_[0-i] “ What is it ? ”_[60-jacob] [Jacob]_60-jacob ’s gone from [my]_0-i side in a heartbeat . “ Is it [Mum]_32-mum ? Is [she]_32-mum okay ? ”_[60-jacob] “ [She]_32-mum ’s fine , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i assure [him]_60-jacob , placing [my]_0-i hand on [his]_60-jacob mop of dirty blond hair and pulling [him]_60-jacob back into [me]_0-i . “ [I]_60-jacob ’ve been thinking , and [I]_60-jacob want to share [my]_60-jacob thoughts with [you]_0-i two . ”_[60-jacob] “ What about ? ”_[26-maddie] [Maddie]_26-maddie asks . “ Are [you]_0-i going to stop [us]_2325-us going to [the hospital]_{384-the hospital} again ? ”_[60-jacob] [Jacob]_60-jacob ’s tone is defensive . “ [You]_0-i are , are n’t [you]_0-i , [Dad]_1256-dad ? Why ? Does n’t [Mum]_32-mum want to see [us]_2325-us ? ”_[60-jacob] [My]_0-i heart bleeds , and [I]_0-i hold [him]_60-jacob tighter into [my]_0-i side . “ [She]_238-ava ’s desperate to see [you]_0-i . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i stretch the truth a little , if only for the sake of [[my]_0-i kids]_{451-her children} . [I]_0-i ’ve caught [Ava]_238-ava a few times this week feeling [her]_238-ava tummy , and [I]_0-i know every time [she]_238-ava ’s had a shower [she]_238-ava ’s been studying the small collection of stretch marks on [her]_238-ava stomach , trying to get [her]_238-ava head around the fact that [she]_238-ava ’s [a mother of eleven - year - old twins]_{501-a mother of eleven - year - old twins} . When [I]_0-i asked [her]_238-ava if [she]_238-ava wanted to see [[her]_238-ava children]_{451-her children} , [I]_0-i could sense the mental battle [she]_238-ava was having in [her]_238-ava head , and the tears flowed quickly after . Listening to [[my]_0-i wife]_238-ava tell [me]_0-i that [she]_238-ava did n’t want to disappoint [them]_{451-her children} tore [my]_0-i heart out . And when [she]_238-ava begged [me]_0-i to help [her]_238-ava remember [them]_{451-her children} , getting [herself]_238-ava in a state , crying and shouting , [I]_0-i decided what needed to be done . [I]_0-i need to tell [her]_238-ava [our]_502-our story from the very beginning in the only way [I]_0-i know how . With actions . Where to start is the biggest question . [I]_0-i look up to the front door and see [[my]_0-i mum]_238-ava and [dad]_2062-dad standing on [the porch]_{504-the porch} watching [us]_502-our . [Their]_502-our faces are both sad . [I]_0-i know [Mum]_32-mum ca n’t bear seeing [me]_0-i like this . [I]_0-i try to disguise [my]_0-i devastation , but there ’s nothing [a son]_{505-a son} can keep from [[his]_{505-a son} mother]_{506-his mother} , whether [he]_{505-a son} ’s ten or fifty . [I]_0-i give [[my]_0-i father]_2062-dad a strained smile when [he]_{505-a son} raises [his]_{505-a son} hand , telling [me]_0-i [he]_{505-a son} ’s got it covered , so diverting [the kids]_{2010-the kids} away from the door , [I]_0-i walk [them]_{2010-the kids} down to [the garden]_{2075-the garden} and sit them on the bench overlooking [his]_{505-a son} vegetable patch . “ [She]_26-maddie ’s trying so hard to get better for [you]_26-maddie both , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i tell [them]_{2010-the kids} . “ And [I]_0-i need to help [her]_26-maddie do that . ”_[0-i] “ [You]_26-maddie mean remember [us]_{2010-the kids} , ”_[26-maddie] [Maddie]_26-maddie corrects [me]_0-i , holding [my]_0-i hand as if [she]_26-maddie could fall down a hole if [she]_26-maddie let go of [me]_0-i . [She]_26-maddie ’s keeping [me]_0-i from falling down that hole , too . [I]_0-i nod , not prepared to lie , and crouch down in front of [them]_{2010-the kids} , squeezing [their]_{2010-the kids} hands . “ [You]_26-maddie see , there ’s a small part of [Mum]_32-mum ’s brain that ’s not quite working properly at the moment . ”_[0-i] “ Because of the bang on [her]_26-maddie head ? ”_[60-jacob] [Jacob]_60-jacob asks . “ Yes , because of that . It ’s like the key ’s jammed , keeping the memories all locked up . [I]_26-maddie need to unjam that key . ”_[26-maddie] [Maddie]_26-maddie ’s bottom lip starts to tremble , and [her]_26-maddie eyes fill with sad tears . “ How could [she]_26-maddie forget [us]_{2242-both of them} , [Daddy]_26-maddie ? ”_[26-maddie] If at any point in [my]_0-i life [I]_0-i ’ve wanted to rip [my]_0-i heart out and serve it at the feet of hope , then it ’s now . This moment , looking at [[my]_0-i children who are so devastated]_{2242-both of them} . “ [She]_26-maddie has n’t forgotten [you]_{2242-both of them} , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i tell [them]_{2242-both of them} firmly , constricting [my]_0-i hold of [their]_{2242-both of them} hands . “ [She]_26-maddie ’s just momentarily misplaced [her]_26-maddie memories . [I]_{2242-both of them} ’m going to help [her]_26-maddie find [them]_{2242-both of them} , [I]_{2242-both of them} promise . Tell [me]_{2242-both of them} [you]_{2242-both of them} believe [me]_{2242-both of them} . Tell [me]_{2242-both of them} [you]_{2242-both of them} trust [[your]_{2242-both of them} daddy]_{404-your daddy} . ”_{[2242-both of them]} [Both of [them]_{2242-both of them}]_{2242-both of them} nod , and [I]_0-i reach forward to yank [them]_{2242-both of them} both into [my]_0-i chest , cuddling [them]_{2242-both of them} with a force like [no other]_{510-no other} . [I]_0-i ’m strong . [I]_0-i need [them]_{2242-both of them} to feel [my]_0-i strength . “ [Nan]_26-maddie and [Pap]_85-pap are going to take [you]_26-maddie to [the coast]_{2109-the coast} for a week or two while [I]_0-i help [Mum]_32-mum , okay ? [You]_26-maddie ’ll love it down in [Newquay]_5-newquay . [You]_26-maddie need to have some fun . Take [Pap]_85-pap surfing and help [Nan]_26-maddie catch some sandworms . ”_[0-i] “ Pap ca n’t surf , ”_[60-jacob] [Jacob]_60-jacob chuckles through [his]_60-jacob tears , the sound washing over [me]_0-i like the best kind of medicine . “ And [Nan]_26-maddie ’s scared of sandworms . ”_[60-jacob] [I]_0-i cluck [his]_60-jacob cheek . “ Then make sure [you]_26-maddie hide one in [her]_26-maddie handbag . ”_[0-i] “ [She]_26-maddie ’ll know [you]_26-maddie told [us]_2329-us to do it . ”_[26-maddie] [Maddie]_26-maddie rolls [her]_26-maddie red eyes before rubbing under [them]_511-them . “ [She]_26-maddie ’ll curse [you]_26-maddie to hell again . ”_[26-maddie] “ [I]_0-i ’m already going to hell in [your]_26-maddie nan ’s eyes . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i rub some hair away from [Maddie]_26-maddie ’s face and ruffle [Jacob]_60-jacob ’s mop . “ Look after [them]_511-them for [[your]_26-maddie mum]_{216-my babies} , yeah ? ”_[60-jacob] [Jacob]_60-jacob moves in and takes [[his]_60-jacob sister]_{2209-his sister} ’s hand , a sign of [their]_511-them solidarity and determination . [[My]_0-i babies]_{216-my babies} . “ And [you]_26-maddie ’ll look after [Mum]_32-mum ? Help [her]_32-mum ? ”_[60-jacob] [he]_60-jacob asks . “ [I]_60-jacob promise . ”_[60-jacob] “ How do [we]_2330-we know [she]_32-mum ’ll ever remember [us]_2330-we ? ”_[26-maddie] [Maddie]_26-maddie , [my]_0-i little live wire , [[my]_0-i spirited , [defiant little madam]_{514-my spirited , defiant little madam}]_{514-my spirited , defiant little madam} , is n’t as sure as [[her]_{514-my spirited , defiant little madam} brother]_{240-my boy} , and seeing [her]_{514-my spirited , defiant little madam} take the comfort [Jacob]_60-jacob is offering shreds [me]_0-i and warms [me]_0-i at the same time . “ Because [[your]_26-maddie dad]_{240-my boy} said [she]_{514-my spirited , defiant little madam} will , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i cough through [my]_0-i closing throat . “ And what [[your]_26-maddie dad]_{240-my boy} says is law . ”_[0-i] “ [We]_516-they know , ”_[516-they] [they]_516-they say in unison , looking at [each other]_{2249-each other} and smiling , as if silently agreeing that [they]_516-they trust [me]_0-i . Which is good , because [they]_516-they should . And [I]_0-i will not let [them]_516-they down . Chapter 12 [I]_0-i arrive at [the hospital]_{384-the hospital} to find [[Ava]_238-ava ’s doctor]_{519-ava ’s doctor} speaking with [the head nurse]_{520-the head nurse} . [She]_{520-the head nurse} nods , [he]_{520-the head nurse} nods , [she]_{520-the head nurse} speaks , [he]_{520-the head nurse} speaks , [she]_{520-the head nurse} frowns , [he]_{520-the head nurse} frowns . “ Everything okay ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ask as [I]_0-i near . “ [We]_2331-we were just going to call [you]_0-i . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m instantly worried . “ Why ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i look across to [[Ava]_238-ava ’s room]_{2211-ava ’s room} , seeing [her]_238-ava sitting on the edge of the bed , dressed and waiting , [her]_238-ava fingers spinning [her]_238-ava wedding ring . “ [[Your]_0-i wife]_238-ava was getting a little restless . ”_{[520-the head nurse]} [He]_{520-the head nurse} smiles fondly . “ [I]_{520-the head nurse} told [her]_238-ava [I]_{520-the head nurse} ’d chase [you]_238-ava up . ”_{[520-the head nurse]} “ [I]_0-i ’m sorry , [the children]_{2217-the children} are going away with [[their]_{2217-the children} grandparents]_{2217-the children} , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i tell [him]_{520-the head nurse} , watching as [Ava]_238-ava looks up and spots [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i smile mildly , getting one in return . This is so weird , and the weirdness does n’t seem to be lessening one iota . “ [I]_0-i had to make sure [they]_{2217-the children} had everything [they]_{2217-the children} needed . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i return [my]_0-i attention to [the doctor]_{2188-the doctor} . “ [The children]_{2217-the children} are going away ? ”_{[520-the head nurse]} [he]_{520-the head nurse} asks , making it sound like [I]_0-i ’m sending [them]_523-them away . It has [my]_0-i hackles rising , though [I]_0-i fight to rein [myself]_0-i in . [I]_0-i do n’t need [anyone]_305-anyone questioning [my]_0-i decision as [[their]_305-anyone father]_{2213-their father} , or as [[Ava]_238-ava ’s husband]_{2213-their father} . “ [They]_305-anyone need some time out from this madness , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i explain , diplomatic and calm , though it takes everything out of [me]_0-i . “ And if [I]_0-i ’m going to help [Ava]_238-ava remember [us]_2333-our , [I]_0-i need to go back to the beginning of [our]_2333-our story . ”_[0-i] “ [Your]_0-i story ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i laugh under [my]_0-i breath . “ Yes , [our]_2333-our story . Let ’s just say it would make a cracking novel . ”_[0-i] [My]_0-i hand sweeps through [my]_0-i hair . “ [We]_2333-our ’re not [[your]_0-i average couple]_{2334-your average couple} , [Doc]_86-doc . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i sigh , thinking how best to word it so [he]_{2213-their father} has a chance of understanding . [He]_{2213-their father} ’d need to know [us]_526-us to understand . [He]_{2213-their father} ’d need to have seen what [we]_526-us ’ve been through . “ When [I]_0-i met [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie , it was like an atomic bomb went off in [my]_0-i chest . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i avoid mentioning that it felt like an atomic bomb went off in [my]_0-i trousers , too . It ’s inappropriate . “ It was like a part of [my]_0-i soul fused with a part of [hers]_26-maddie , and there was nothing [I]_0-i could do to stop it . It was the most incredible feeling . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i look back into [the room]_{202-the room} and find [Ava]_238-ava ’s still staring at [me]_0-i . “ Unforgettable , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i whisper , watching [her]_238-ava eyes fall to [my]_0-i lips . “ Which makes this all the more difficult to accept , because how could [she]_238-ava forget ? [Us]_2336-us . The intensity of [our]_2336-us relationship and everything [we]_2336-us ’ve been through together ? ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i tear [my]_0-i gaze away from [the woman who holds [my]_0-i life in [her]_{528-the woman who holds my life in her hands and return my attention to the doctor} hands and return [my]_0-i attention to [the doctor]_{2188-the doctor}]_{528-the woman who holds my life in her hands and return my attention to the doctor} . “ [I]_{2188-the doctor} ’m scared to fucking death that those memories are gone forever . ”_{[2188-the doctor]} [He]_{2188-the doctor} smiles like [he]_{2188-the doctor} understands , but [he]_{2188-the doctor} really does n’t . [No one]_{210-no one} possibly could . “ [You]_2337-you ’ll make new memories . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i shake [my]_0-i head . “ Nothing can replace [them]_2338-them . ”_{[2188-the doctor]} [He]_{2188-the doctor} nods this time , not countering [me]_0-i . “ Here are the details of [Ava]_238-ava ’s appointment . ”_{[2188-the doctor]} [He]_{2188-the doctor} hands [me]_0-i an envelope . “ [We]_2339-we removed the dressing on [her]_238-ava head this morning . It ’s healing nicely , but keep it clean . The same with [her]_238-ava leg . [You]_2337-you have [my]_{2188-the doctor} number , [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} . Anything that might be worrying [you]_2337-you , just call . ”_{[2188-the doctor]} [I]_0-i take it and move past [him]_{2188-the doctor} , heading toward [[Ava]_238-ava ’s room]_{2211-ava ’s room} . [My]_0-i body is heavy . It feels like [I]_0-i could be walking against a gale - force wind , the relentless gusts not only holding [my]_0-i body back , but catching in [my]_0-i throat , too , making breathing harder . When [I]_0-i enter , [I]_0-i stand like a statue for a few seconds , at a loss for what comes next . “ [Bag]_87-bag , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i blurt , rushing over to get it from beside [her]_238-ava . “ Are [you]_238-ava okay to walk ? ”_[0-i] Any other day , [I]_0-i ’d have picked [her]_238-ava up without a word , whether [she]_238-ava liked it or not . Quite frankly , all this asking is fucking alien . And [I]_0-i hate it . [She]_238-ava pushes [herself]_238-ava up off the bed a little gingerly , and [my]_0-i instinct kicks in . [I]_0-i drop the bag immediately , desperate to ease [Ava]_238-ava ’s struggle and help [her]_238-ava to [her]_238-ava feet . [She]_238-ava clings to [me]_0-i with both hands , one on each of [my]_0-i forearms as [she]_238-ava straightens . [I]_0-i do n’t know whether it ’s because [she]_238-ava needs to , or wants to . “ Thank [you]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] “ Do n’t ever thank [me]_0-i for looking after [you]_238-ava , [Ava]_238-ava . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i do n’t mean to sound affronted , but it ’s unavoidable . “ [You]_238-ava are [[my]_238-ava wife]_238-ava . It ’s what [I]_238-ava ’ve been put on [this earth]_{2340-this earth} to do . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava looks up at [me]_0-i , a small frown crossing [her]_238-ava forehead , and [I]_0-i find [myself]_0-i holding [my]_0-i breath , waiting for [her]_238-ava to tell [me]_0-i [she]_238-ava remembers something — remembers [me]_0-i saying that before , because [I]_0-i know for damn sure [I]_0-i have . Or any recollection , no matter how small or insignificant [she]_238-ava thinks it is . But when [she]_238-ava shakes [her]_238-ava head , [I]_0-i realize it ’s not coming . [I]_0-i sigh deeply and get [us]_532-us moving , slowly but surely , constantly checking [her]_238-ava for any signs of pain , or that this little trip is too much . [She]_238-ava ’s focused forward , concentrating hard on the simple task of putting one foot in front of the other . It ’s so painful to watch [her]_238-ava struggle . [I]_0-i ca n’t do it . [I]_0-i swing around to [the nurses ’ station]_{533-the nurses ’ station} . “ Are there any fucking wheelchairs around [here]_2274-here ? ”_[0-i] [The nurse]_{421-the nurse} scans [the area]_2274-here , clearly panicked . [I]_0-i ca n’t even bring [myself]_0-i to feel bad . “ [They]_2341-they ’re all taken at the moment , [sir]_0-i . But if [you]_0-i do n’t mind waiting , [I]_0-i will try to track one down . ”_[0-i] “ Do n’t bother , [I]_238-ava ’ll fucking carry [her]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] Turning back to [Ava]_238-ava , [I]_0-i find round , startled eyes . “ [I]_0-i ’m carrying [you]_238-ava , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i inform [her]_238-ava , just out of courtesy , dipping and gently lifting [her]_238-ava into [my]_0-i arms . [She]_238-ava does n’t protest , which is a good job because [I]_0-i ’m not watching [her]_238-ava limp out of here . [She]_238-ava ’s studying [me]_0-i as [I]_0-i stride down [the hall]_{536-the hall} , probably assessing how tight [my]_0-i jaw is . [I]_0-i try to relax it , try to ease [my]_0-i strung muscles . [I]_0-i feel like [I]_0-i could explode with stress . With hope . With despair . Up ahead , a pair of double doors swings open , a gurney being pushed out by [a porter]_{537-a porter} . And on the bed , a body , the face covered by a white sheet . [I]_0-i find [my]_0-i feet slowing and [my]_0-i eyes putting [Ava]_238-ava there . On that bed . Dead . [My]_0-i blood runs cold . “ [Jesse]_454-jesse ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i jolt and look down to find [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie looking up at [me]_0-i with concern . [I]_0-i quickly shake away [my]_0-i morbid thoughts of what could have been . [She]_26-maddie ’s still here . With [me]_0-i . [She]_26-maddie might not be [her]_26-maddie normal self , but [she]_26-maddie ’s still here . [I]_0-i hold [her]_26-maddie tighter . [I]_0-i ca n’t help it . “ Come on , let ’s get [you]_26-maddie [home]_201-home . ”_[0-i] “ [Home]_201-home . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie sighs , turning [her]_26-maddie eyes away from [me]_0-i . “ Where is that again ? ”_[26-maddie] “ Anywhere [I]_0-i am , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say , letting [my]_0-i usual candidness where [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie ’s concerned creep back . Is [she]_26-maddie smiling a little ? “ Okay ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ask , not wanting to presume [she]_26-maddie ’s finding [me]_0-i funny , or maybe recognizing little pieces of [us]_540-us . But what else could [she]_26-maddie be smiling at ? “ [You]_2343-you seem like the bossy type . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i laugh out loud , the burst of amusement completely unstoppable . “ [You]_2343-you have no idea , [lady]_26-maddie . No idea . ”_[0-i] “ [I]_26-maddie do n’t like being told what to do , just so [you]_2343-you know . ”_[26-maddie] “ Oh , [I]_0-i know . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i laugh again , feeling a small amount of pressure lifting from [my]_0-i shoulders . Only small , but … still . [I]_0-i look down and unleash [my]_0-i smile , the one [I]_0-i reserve only for [her]_26-maddie , the one [she]_26-maddie ’s not seen since [she]_26-maddie came around . It definitely has the desired effect , [her]_26-maddie body going a little lax in [my]_0-i arms . It ’s another small sign . “ And just so [you]_2344-you know , that ’ll soon change . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie scoffs . It ’s the sweetest sound , even if it ’s forced . “ [I]_0-i do n’t think so . ”_[0-i] [My]_0-i smile widens , because that right there was [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie . Defiant . Difficult . [Mine]_0-i . Hope flourishes within [me]_0-i . Chapter 13 [I]_0-i watch [her]_26-maddie neck crane a little as [we]_541-we pull up [the driveway]_{542-the driveway} to [[our]_541-we home]_{543-our home} , [her]_26-maddie eyes taking in the grounds of [[our]_541-we little manor]_{218-our little manor} . “ [I]_26-maddie live here ? ”_[26-maddie] [she]_26-maddie asks , clearly astonished . “ [We]_541-we live here , ”_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i correct [her]_26-maddie , rolling to a stop . “ Have done for nearly eleven years . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i jump out and round [the car]_{2161-the car} , leaving [Ava]_238-ava still taking in [her]_26-maddie surroundings from [the passenger seat]_{546-the passenger seat} . [I]_0-i open [her]_26-maddie door , but when [she]_26-maddie shows no sign of getting out of [[my]_0-i Aston]_{547-my aston} , [I]_0-i dip and reach across [her]_26-maddie to unclip [her]_26-maddie seat belt . [My]_0-i cheek brushes [her]_26-maddie lips innocently , and [she]_26-maddie freezes , breathing in sharply . [I]_0-i freeze , too , [my]_0-i face millimeters from [hers]_26-maddie . From [my]_0-i peripheral vision , [I]_0-i can see [her]_26-maddie lips are pressed together , [her]_26-maddie eyes wide . Have [I]_0-i startled [her]_26-maddie ? Set [her]_26-maddie heart racing with [my]_0-i closeness ? Something tells [me]_0-i it ’s both . [My]_0-i eyes drop to [her]_26-maddie lips , instinct demanding [me]_0-i to just kiss [her]_26-maddie . Kiss [her]_26-maddie . Consume [her]_26-maddie . Maybe that ’ll trigger whatever it is that needs to be triggered . But [she]_26-maddie turns away from [me]_0-i , and the hope flourishing inside [me]_0-i dies a little . [I]_0-i clear [my]_0-i throat and back off , giving [her]_26-maddie space to get out of [the car]_{2161-the car} , which [she]_26-maddie does quietly and slowly , ignoring [my]_0-i offered hand . [She]_26-maddie takes slow , tentative steps toward the door — slow because of [her]_26-maddie injured leg , and tentative because , painfully for [me]_0-i , [she]_26-maddie ’s nervous . Every so often [she]_26-maddie peers over [her]_26-maddie shoulder at [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i say nothing , just follow [her]_26-maddie , feeling as hopeless as hopeless could be . [I]_0-i push the front door open and stand back , and [she]_26-maddie hovers on the threshold , looking around [the entrance hall]_{549-the entrance hall} . [I]_0-i simply wait for [her]_26-maddie to find whatever courage [she]_26-maddie needs to enter . [The kids]_{2010-the kids} ’ shoes are scattered in the corner , the small patch of marble tiles dull from the mud [they]_{2010-the kids} ’ve brought in from [the garden]_{2075-the garden} . It ’s a small , silly sign of [our]_552-our family life , but it has [Ava]_238-ava ’s undivided attention . [[Her]_238-ava home]_{553-her home} . [Her]_238-ava hand comes up to [her]_238-ava chest , and [I]_0-i see the pulses of it under [her]_238-ava palm . “ Take [your]_2345-your time , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i murmur gently . [She]_238-ava looks up at [me]_0-i and smiles a tiny smile before going back to taking in the space before [her]_238-ava . [She]_238-ava takes a step inside toward the collection of photographs lining the wall above the console table . [My]_0-i heart thrums in [my]_0-i chest as [she]_238-ava edges closer to the pictures . [Her]_238-ava hand reaches up to one of [us]_552-our on [our]_552-our wedding day , [her]_238-ava lip slipping between [her]_238-ava teeth , biting it gently . Then [she]_238-ava spends a while staring at one of [me]_0-i kneeling and kissing [her]_238-ava pregnant tummy , [her]_238-ava hand resting on [her]_238-ava midriff as [she]_238-ava does . [She]_238-ava looks back to [me]_0-i and offers another small smile , which [I]_0-i return , so fucking nervous now , too . Then [she]_238-ava finds one of [my]_0-i favorite pictures , one of [the twins]_{2012-the twins} when [they]_{2012-the twins} were toddlers , [Jacob]_60-jacob on [my]_0-i shoulders , [Maddie]_26-maddie on [Ava]_238-ava ’s . [We]_552-our ’re on [the terrace in [Paradise]_6-paradise]_{555-the terrace in paradise} . [The blue sea]_{556-the blue sea} behind [us]_552-our looks as alive as all of [our]_552-our eyes . The sun is as bright as [my]_0-i smile . Have any of these pictures spiked memories ? Anything at all ? Closing the door quietly , [I]_0-i approach [her]_238-ava , taking in the pictures [myself]_0-i . Pictures of [us]_552-our . Of [[our]_552-our little family]_{557-our little family} . Happiness and love are all over this wall . Everywhere [I]_0-i look , [I]_0-i ’m finding things that could trigger something , and [I]_0-i hope so much that [they]_{557-our little family} do . And then there ’s [my]_0-i Ava Wall in [the family room]_{558-the family room} , all transferred from [[my]_0-i penthouse at [Lusso]_88-lusso]_{559-my penthouse at lusso} and added to over the years . Hundreds of pictures of [the four of [us]_552-our]_{560-the four of us} . Maybe that will help , too . Because being in [the hospital]_{384-the hospital} has n’t , the surroundings cold , clinical , and unfamiliar . [Her]_238-ava shoulders tense when [I]_0-i ’m just a few feet behind [her]_238-ava , and [she]_238-ava looks back at [me]_0-i , [her]_238-ava face so sad . [She]_238-ava recalls nothing . “ [I]_238-ava wondered if [I]_238-ava was in some kind of nightmare . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava turns back toward the photos . “ Or [someone]_293-someone was playing a cruel joke on [me]_238-ava . [I]_238-ava woke up and was told [I]_238-ava was married and [I]_238-ava have [children]_{2347-children} , and until now [I]_238-ava did n’t quite believe it . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava points at the picture of [us]_552-our on [our]_552-our wedding day , [her]_238-ava chin trembling . “ That ’s [me]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava voice breaks , and [she]_238-ava looks at [me]_0-i , tears flooding [her]_238-ava eyes . “ With [you]_26-maddie . ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i nod , trying to force down [my]_0-i own emotion . [Jesus]_26-maddie , nothing much breaks [me]_0-i , but [[my]_0-i wife]_238-ava so distraught is guaranteed to cut [me]_0-i open . [She]_238-ava looks back at the pictures , wiping at [her]_238-ava eyes . “ And that ’s [me]_238-ava there , too . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava points at a picture of [the twins]_{2012-the twins} tackle hugging [her]_238-ava on the trampoline in [the garden]_{2075-the garden} . “ With … ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava hiccups over [her]_238-ava words , sniffing back [her]_238-ava sobs . “ [[My]_238-ava children]_{2196-my children} . ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava shoulders start jumping , and [she]_238-ava breaks down completely , covering [her]_238-ava face with [her]_238-ava hands . [I]_0-i drop [her]_238-ava bag and move in to comfort [her]_238-ava , fighting back [my]_0-i own tears . “ Come here . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i pull [her]_238-ava into [my]_0-i chest and cuddle [her]_238-ava , looking up to the ceiling in despair . What the hell am [I]_0-i going to do ? [Her]_238-ava petite frame is jumping against [me]_0-i as [she]_238-ava cries , [her]_238-ava grief pouring out as [her]_238-ava reality crashes down . “ It ’ll be okay , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i vow , dropping [my]_0-i head and burying [my]_0-i nose in [her]_238-ava dark hair . “ [We]_2349-we ’ll be okay , [I]_0-i promise . ”_[0-i] “ Why ca n’t [I]_238-ava remember [you]_238-ava ? Why ca n’t [I]_238-ava remember [[my]_238-ava children]_{2196-my children} ? ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava pushes [me]_0-i away violently , clenching [her]_238-ava fists . “ Why ca n’t [I]_238-ava remember ? ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava screams , shaking [the house]_{2056-the house} with the volume . “ [I]_238-ava need to remember ! Please , help [me]_238-ava remember ! ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava folds to the floor , landing on [her]_238-ava knees , sobbing like [I]_0-i ’ve never seen [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie sob before . The sight will torment [me]_0-i for the rest of [my]_0-i days . Fucking kills [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i brush at [my]_0-i wet cheeks harshly and force [myself]_0-i to pull it together . [She]_238-ava needs [me]_0-i to be together . Strong . [[Her]_238-ava husband]_26-maddie . [I]_0-i scoop [her]_238-ava up and cradle [her]_238-ava in [my]_0-i arms , getting [my]_0-i own sense of comfort as [she]_238-ava curls up into [me]_0-i and clings to [me]_0-i like [her]_238-ava life depends on it . Like it ’s natural . [I]_0-i walk [us]_567-us to [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} and sit down on a chair , holding [her]_238-ava close to [my]_0-i chest while [she]_238-ava lets it all out . What more can [I]_0-i do ? Just be here . Hold [her]_238-ava when [she]_238-ava needs to be held . Tell [her]_238-ava it ’ll be okay . [I]_0-i keep [my]_0-i face close to [hers]_238-ava , hushing [her]_238-ava quietly until [she]_238-ava eventually calms down . It could be a minute . It could be an hour . Time means nothing at the moment . “ [I]_238-ava ’m sorry , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava sniffs , wiping at a wet patch on [my]_0-i T - shirt . “ Do n’t be silly . ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i reach up and wipe [her]_238-ava eyes , and [she]_238-ava lets [me]_0-i , studying [my]_0-i face closely while [I]_0-i savor the tender moment . [I]_0-i ’m so grateful that [she]_238-ava ’s allowing [me]_0-i to comfort [her]_238-ava like this . Does [she]_238-ava realize that ? “ Where are [the children]_2298-kids ? ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava asks , looking to the doorway , maybe listening for the sounds of [kids]_2298-kids . “ [I]_238-ava ’ve asked [[your]_238-ava mum]_{513-your mum} and [dad]_2307-dad to take [them]_2298-kids to [the coast]_{2109-the coast} . Just so [you]_238-ava can settle in and get used to things . ”_[238-ava] “ But [they]_2298-kids ’ll think [I]_0-i do n’t want [them]_2298-kids . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i see panic on [her]_238-ava face , and it strangely reassures [me]_0-i to know that [she]_238-ava cares about how [they]_570-they must be feeling . [She]_238-ava may not remember [[her]_238-ava children]_{451-her children} , but [she]_238-ava still has [a mother]_{2287-a mother} ’s instinct . “ [They]_{451-her children} ’re fine , [I]_238-ava promise [you]_238-ava , [Ava]_238-ava . [I]_238-ava told [them]_{451-her children} that [I]_238-ava need time with [you]_238-ava to help [you]_238-ava remember some things . ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava eyes fall to [my]_0-i chest and flit across the material of [my]_0-i Ralph Lauren shirt . [She]_{2287-a mother} ’s thinking . “ [I]_{2287-a mother} do want them , ”_{[2287-a mother]} [she]_{2287-a mother} says on a frown . “ [I]_{2287-a mother} know [I]_{2287-a mother} want [them]_{451-her children} . ”_{[2287-a mother]} Looking up at [me]_0-i , [she]_{2287-a mother} takes [her]_{2287-a mother} hands to [my]_0-i shirt and fists the cotton . “ [I]_{2287-a mother} know [they]_{451-her children} ’re [mine]_{2287-a mother} . ”_{[2287-a mother]} [I]_0-i nod as [I]_0-i breathe in , [my]_0-i eyes glued to [hers]_{2287-a mother} . “ [I]_{2287-a mother} know [you]_{2287-a mother} know . ”_{[2287-a mother]} [She]_{2287-a mother} returns [my]_0-i nod , thankful for [my]_0-i faith in [her]_{2287-a mother} , as [she]_{2287-a mother} smiles through a suppressed yawn . [She]_{2287-a mother} ’s knackered . [She]_{2287-a mother} needs to rest . “ [You]_{2287-a mother} should get some sleep . ”_{[2287-a mother]} [She]_{2287-a mother} looks down [her]_{2287-a mother} front and then feels [her]_{2287-a mother} ponytail . “ [I]_{2287-a mother} ’d love a shower . ”_{[2287-a mother]} A shower . [I]_0-i ’ve lost count of how many times [we]_573-we ’ve showered together . The times [I]_0-i ’m oblivious as [I]_0-i ’m washing [myself]_0-i and that waft of cool air hits [me]_0-i , a sign [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie is about to join [me]_0-i under the spray . Now is n’t going to be one of those times , and it hurts so bad . “ Sure . ”_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i stand and set [her]_26-maddie on [her]_26-maddie feet , backing up , reluctantly showing [my]_0-i intention to let [her]_26-maddie get on with it . A tiny frown wrinkles [her]_26-maddie brow . “ Where ’s [the bathroom]_{294-the bathroom} ? ”_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i close [my]_0-i eyes briefly , gathering air into [my]_0-i dying lungs . Of course . [She]_26-maddie needs a tour of [[her]_26-maddie own home]_{575-her own home} . “ [I]_26-maddie ’ll show [you]_26-maddie . ”_[26-maddie] Resisting claiming [her]_26-maddie hand , [I]_0-i take [the stairs]_{244-the stairs} , [my]_0-i feet heavy , [my]_0-i heart heavier as [Ava]_238-ava follows , gazing around as [she]_26-maddie does . [I]_0-i enter [[our]_577-our suite]_{578-our suite} , trying not to be nervous of showing [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie where [we]_577-our sleep . “ [The dressing room]_{258-the dressing room} is through there , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say , pointing across [the bedroom]_{258-the dressing room} to the double doors . “ And [the bathroom]_{258-the dressing room} is there . ”_[26-maddie] [Her]_26-maddie dark gaze drags across [my]_0-i body as [she]_26-maddie passes [me]_0-i , taking tentative steps toward [the dressing room]_{258-the dressing room} . Uncertain whether [I]_0-i should , [I]_0-i follow , standing on the threshold as [she]_26-maddie absorbs the space . “ [You]_26-maddie keep [your]_26-maddie underwear and nightwear in that chest , ”_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i tell [her]_26-maddie . [She]_26-maddie slides open the top drawer and surveys the contents . Then [she]_26-maddie moves to the next , pulling out one of [my]_0-i favorite negligées , feeling it for a while before sifting through the rest of the drawer . “ There ’s a lot of lace , ”_[26-maddie] [she]_26-maddie says quietly , making [me]_0-i smile a little . “ Where are [my]_26-maddie cotton pajamas ? The cozy stuff ? ”_[26-maddie] “ [You]_26-maddie like lace . ”_[26-maddie] [Her]_26-maddie eyebrows slowly rise . “ Clearly . ”_[26-maddie] “ And [I]_0-i do , too . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i shrug when [she]_26-maddie shoots [me]_0-i an interested look . “ A little . ”_[26-maddie] “ [You]_26-maddie buy all [my]_26-maddie underwear , do n’t [you]_26-maddie ? ”_[26-maddie] “ It ’s [my]_0-i favorite kind of shopping , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i admit , unabashed . [She]_26-maddie nods , slowly and unsurely , [our]_581-our eye contact never wavering . But the lust [I]_0-i always find so hard to control when [we]_581-our ’re alone together , especially when lace is thrown into the mix , is n’t as strong today . Not for [me]_0-i , and not for [her]_26-maddie . It ’s brutal , but [I]_0-i know sex is n’t going to fix this . “ So [I]_26-maddie guess [I]_26-maddie should put one of these on ? ”_[26-maddie] [she]_26-maddie finally asks . [I]_0-i hate that it ’s a question . And [I]_0-i hate even more that [I]_0-i have to answer with the answer [I]_0-i do n’t want to give . “ Wear what makes [you]_2355-you comfortable . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i push [my]_0-i shoulder off the door . “ [I]_0-i ’ll leave [you]_2355-you to shower . [I]_0-i have T - shirts in the drawer if [you]_2355-you ’d prefer . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i make [my]_0-i way [downstairs]_{256-downstairs} , trying so hard not to feel defeated by such a trivial thing . [Lace]_89-lace . It ’s trivial but means so much to [both of [us]_584-us]_{461-both of us} . [I]_0-i grab a beer from the fridge , then make [my]_0-i way into [the games room]_{585-the games room} and plonk down heavily on one of the leather couches . Pulling [my]_0-i phone from [my]_0-i pocket , [I]_0-i find [my]_0-i Sonos app and put on some music , if only to kill the unbearable sound of [my]_0-i thoughts . [Gnarls Barkley]_{90-gnarls barkley} ’s “ Crazy ”_{[90-gnarls barkley]} comes on , and [I]_0-i do n’t bother changing it . It seems too apt . [My]_0-i eyes fall to the bar in the corner , where every liquor known to [man]_586-man is stashed . Not for [my]_0-i enjoyment — [I]_0-i have n’t touched the hard stuff for years — more for that of [[our]_584-us guests]_{2083-our guests} when [we]_584-us entertain . But that vodka … What [I]_0-i would do right now to escape from this nightmare . To get blind fucking drunk and pass out , and hopefully wake up to [my]_0-i life as it should be . [I]_0-i tear [my]_0-i gaze away , drop [my]_0-i head back , and let [my]_0-i thoughts continue to torment [me]_0-i as the track goes on . Let the pain penetrate deeper , because [she]_588-she ’s [upstairs]_589-upstairs showering alone . And [I]_0-i ’m down here feeling useless . [I]_0-i finish the bottle of beer but resist getting another , and go to [the office]_{192-the office} . [I]_0-i sit at the desk and fire up the iMac , and then search through the files until [I]_0-i find what [I]_0-i ’m looking for . The photos . [Thousands]_91-thousands snapped from the very beginning , to just recently at [my]_0-i fiftieth . Moments captured in time , faces smiling , and sometimes even scowling . Endless happy memories , every photograph loaded with love . [I]_0-i click through , [my]_0-i pain worsening with each image . How can [she]_588-she not remember any of this ? How can [she]_588-she not remember [me]_0-i ? [I]_0-i drop the mouse and scrub [my]_0-i hands down [my]_0-i rough face , feeling so fucking knackered — physically , emotionally . [I]_0-i need a shower , too . [I]_0-i leave the folder open , ready to let [Ava]_238-ava scroll through the years when [she]_588-she ’s ready , then drag [myself]_0-i [upstairs]_589-upstairs . There ’s not a peep from [[our]_592-our bedroom]_{332-our room} , and when [I]_0-i push into [[our]_592-our room]_{332-our room} , [I]_0-i find [Ava]_238-ava snuggled up in [our]_592-our bed . [I]_0-i ca n’t help feeling hurt . [She]_588-she ’s always claimed it ’s impossible to get to sleep without lying on [my]_0-i chest . Then [I]_0-i feel a little hopeful , because [she]_588-she ’s wearing the lace instead of the T - shirt [I]_0-i offered . [I]_0-i ignore the fact that [she]_588-she has always slept naked . [Baby]_60-jacob steps . After creeping to [the bathroom]_{294-the bathroom} , [I]_0-i take a quick , lonely shower , and then [I]_0-i trim [my]_0-i stubble , taking it down to the three days ’ worth that [she]_588-she loves so much . [I]_0-i spend only a few seconds taking in [the man]_{2289-the man} before [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i ’m a fucking mess . [I]_0-i feel weak , disheartened , and sad . [I]_0-i ’ve been in hell before , and [I]_0-i feel like [I]_0-i ’m free - falling back there now . Why ? Why is this happening ? What did [I]_0-i do ? [I]_0-i brace [my]_0-i hands on the sink and breathe deeply , trying not to let the anger that ’s brewing erupt . [I]_0-i do n’t like it when things are out of [my]_0-i control , and right now , [my]_0-i world is spiraling into fucking bedlam . And there ’s nothing [I]_0-i can do about it , only hope . [My]_0-i shoulders rolling with the strain of keeping [my]_0-i temper contained , [I]_0-i growl , [my]_0-i teeth clenched , desperate to hit something . [I]_0-i look up and face [myself]_0-i again . And before [I]_0-i realize what ’s happened , the mirror shatters and [my]_0-i knuckles split . It ’s okay , though . Now [my]_0-i reflection looks exactly how [I]_0-i feel . Broken . Chapter 14 [I]_0-i ca n’t stand how quiet it is around here . [I]_0-i ca n’t hear [the kids]_{2012-the twins} tearing through [the house]_{2056-the house} , ca n’t hear the coffee brewing , ca n’t hear [Ava]_238-ava shouting at [the twins]_{2012-the twins} to get [their]_{2012-the twins} little arses into gear for [school]_2011-school . It ’s deadly silent . [I]_0-i stare at [the coffeemaker]_{599-the coffeemaker} for a few seconds , feeling anger building . It ’s just [a coffeemaker]_{599-the coffeemaker} . But it ’s a coffeemaker that ’s always brewing when [I]_0-i get [downstairs]_{256-downstairs} in the morning , because [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie has switched it on . It ’s [her]_26-maddie thing . That ’s what [she]_26-maddie does , and today [she]_26-maddie has n’t . Because [she]_26-maddie does n’t know . [I]_0-i yank the cupboard open and search for the coffee . [I]_0-i do n’t even know how to work the fucking thing . Finally , [I]_0-i locate it , pour it in , and fiddle with the stupid fucking machine , cursing [my]_0-i way through it . [I]_0-i do n’t even know if [I]_0-i ’ve done it right , but [I]_0-i switch it on , hoping for the best , and silently will it to hurry the hell up to rid the kitchen of the god - awful quiet . [I]_0-i collect a cup , add milk , and then tap [my]_0-i fingers impatiently on the worktop while [I]_0-i wait , scowling down at [my]_0-i scuffed knuckles . [My]_0-i eyeballs feel like [they]_602-they ’re being scratched every time [I]_0-i blink , [my]_0-i lack of sleep catching up with [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i think [I]_0-i got an hour last night . An hour slumped in the chair by [our]_603-our bed , the rest of the night spent watching [her]_26-maddie sleep , desperate to crawl in behind [her]_26-maddie and cuddle [her]_26-maddie in [my]_0-i usual fierce way . But [I]_0-i dared not . As [I]_0-i pour coffee , [I]_0-i hear [my]_0-i phone from across [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} . [I]_0-i fetch it and answer without looking at the screen . “ Morning , [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} . ”_[0-i] “ How are things ? [She]_26-maddie settled in okay ? ”_[26-maddie] [Her]_26-maddie voice sounds as desperate as [I]_0-i ’m feeling . No . And things are fucking awful . “ As well as can be expected , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say . “ How are [the twins]_{2012-the twins} ? ”_[0-i] “ [Joseph]_51-joseph has taken [them]_{2012-the twins} to the driving range . [We]_{2012-the twins} ’ve got lots planned — surfing , crabbing , fishing . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i smile as [I]_0-i sip some caffeine down . “ Thanks , [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} . [I]_0-i really appreciate [you]_{424-elizabeth} doing this . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i do n’t think [I]_0-i ’ve ever sounded so sincere when speaking to [[my]_0-i mother - in - law]_{605-my mother - in - law} . “ Oh , [Jesse]_454-jesse . ”_[26-maddie] [Her]_26-maddie voice cracks under the pressure to remain strong , and for the first time in [my]_0-i existence , [I]_0-i wish [she]_26-maddie were here so [I]_0-i could give [her]_26-maddie a hug . “ Listen to [me]_0-i , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say as sternly as [I]_0-i can muster . “ [You]_{424-elizabeth} ’ve known [me]_0-i for twelve years , [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} . So [you]_{424-elizabeth} should know that [I]_0-i ’m not going to let those years slip away like [they]_2357-they were never there . ”_[0-i] [She]_26-maddie coughs over a little laugh , sniffling . “ [I]_26-maddie know [we]_2358-we ’re both terribly silly with [our]_2358-we bickering , but [you]_{424-elizabeth} do know [I]_26-maddie adore [you]_{424-elizabeth} , [Jesse Ward]_454-jesse . ”_[26-maddie] On the inside , [I]_0-i ’m toasty warm with appreciation , and yes , [I]_0-i did know that deep down . But at the risk of breaking down , too , [I]_0-i ’m forced to pull [my]_0-i arrogant self back to the surface . [I]_0-i ca n’t cry on [[Ava]_238-ava ’s mother]_26-maddie . [She]_26-maddie ’s depending on [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i ca n’t cry on [anyone]_305-anyone . “ Yeah , well , [my]_0-i heart belongs to another . ”_[0-i] “ Oh , stop . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie laughs , and it ’s so good to hear . “ [You]_{424-elizabeth} ’re still a menace . ”_[26-maddie] “ And [you]_{424-elizabeth} ’re still a pain in [my]_0-i fucking arse , [Mum]_32-mum . Look after [[my]_0-i babies]_{216-my babies} . ”_[0-i] “ Okay . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie does n’t argue , does n’t even question [my]_0-i order . “ Keep in touch , wo n’t [you]_{424-elizabeth} ? ”_[26-maddie] “ Every day , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i assure [her]_26-maddie , hanging up and sliding [my]_0-i phone onto the counter , [my]_0-i shoulders immediately dropping . The energy to be strong is draining [me]_0-i . How long can [I]_0-i keep this up ? On a sigh , [I]_0-i wander over to the fridge and pull it open , snatching down some peanut butter from the shelf . [I]_0-i remain where [I]_0-i am , just set on having a couple of scoops , something familiar and comforting in [this foreign world]_{608-this foreign world} . A few minutes later , [I]_0-i ’m halfway through the jar . “ Morning . ”_[26-maddie] [Her]_26-maddie soft , unsure voice hits [me]_0-i like a cricket bat in the back of the head , and [I]_0-i whirl around with [my]_0-i finger in [my]_0-i mouth to find [her]_26-maddie at the entrance to [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} , [her]_26-maddie hands playing nervously where [they]_610-they ’re linked together at [her]_26-maddie midriff . The lace nightwear has been covered with a cream satin dressing gown , [her]_26-maddie dark hair fanning [her]_26-maddie shoulders . [She]_26-maddie ’s a vision . And [I]_0-i ca n’t touch [her]_26-maddie . [I]_0-i suck [my]_0-i finger clean and swallow , quickly screwing the lid back on as [she]_26-maddie frowns down at [my]_0-i hands . “ Peanut butter ? ”_[26-maddie] [she]_26-maddie questions . Is that humor in [her]_26-maddie tone ? Would now be a good time to tell [her]_26-maddie that one of [her]_26-maddie favorite pastimes is smothering [her]_26-maddie boobs in it and letting [me]_0-i indulge in [my]_0-i two favorite things all at once ? “ It ’s a vice . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i put it back in the fridge and grab some orange juice , pouring [her]_26-maddie a glass , nervous and shaky in [my]_0-i movements . “ Did [you]_0-i sleep well ? ”_[26-maddie] Not once in nearly twelve years of marriage have [I]_0-i ever had to ask that question . Because [I]_0-i ’ve always been right by [her]_26-maddie side , aware when [she]_26-maddie ’s sleeping peacefully or when [she]_26-maddie ’s fidgeting because something is on [her]_26-maddie mind . “ Not really . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie pads toward [me]_0-i and takes the glass from [my]_0-i hands , smiling a little , before settling on a stool at [the island]_{2099-the island} . “ It felt like something was missing . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie looks away , as if ashamed to admit it . “ [I]_26-maddie ’ve concluded that it must have been [you]_26-maddie . ”_[26-maddie] What ? Hope flourishes within [me]_0-i again , and [I]_0-i ’m not sure whether to welcome it or not . With no hope , there can be no disappointment . But [I]_0-i ca n’t help it . Moving to the stool beside [her]_26-maddie , [I]_0-i take a seat . “ [Ava]_238-ava , [you]_238-ava should know that — ”_[0-i] “ Once [I]_0-i ’ve had [you]_238-ava , [you]_238-ava ’re [mine]_0-i . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i nearly fall back off [my]_0-i stool . To hell with disappointment . Nothing could hold back the joy surging through [my]_0-i veins right now . “ [You]_238-ava remember ? ”_[26-maddie] With [her]_26-maddie lips on the rim of [her]_26-maddie glass , [her]_26-maddie brow furrows a little . “ [I]_26-maddie do n’t know where that came from . ”_[26-maddie] “ Inside [you]_238-ava , [Ava]_238-ava . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i take [her]_26-maddie juice and place it on the counter , taking [her]_26-maddie hands in [mine]_0-i and squeezing tightly . “ Way deep inside [you]_238-ava . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie looks at [me]_0-i , tears in [her]_26-maddie eyes building again . Damn those fucking tears . “ This is so frustrating . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie squeezes [my]_0-i hand in return , wanting [me]_0-i to understand . [She]_26-maddie has to trust [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i do . [I]_0-i really do . “ [I]_0-i just stood in [[two children]_{2290-two children} ’s bedrooms]_{2361-two children ’s bedrooms} for fifteen minutes , demanding to remember [them]_{2290-two children} . [I]_0-i smelled the sheets of [their]_{2290-two children} beds and went through [their]_{2290-two children} drawers . Nothing . ”_[0-i] A lone tear rolls down [her]_26-maddie cheek , and [I]_0-i catch it with the pad of [my]_0-i thumb . It ’s no good . [I]_0-i lift [her]_26-maddie onto [my]_0-i lap , [my]_0-i body wrapped around [hers]_26-maddie . There ’s no resistance from [her]_26-maddie whatsoever . “ [I]_26-maddie just want to bang [my]_26-maddie head repeatedly against a wall until it all comes back . ”_[26-maddie] “ [You]_26-maddie ’ll do no such thing , [lady]_26-maddie . ”_[0-i] [My]_0-i nose in [her]_26-maddie hair , [I]_0-i inhale , appreciative that [she]_26-maddie ’s letting [me]_0-i comfort [her]_26-maddie once again . Whether [she]_26-maddie wants it or needs it is n’t something [I]_0-i ’m wasting [my]_0-i thoughts on . Because [I]_0-i need it . Sighing , [she]_26-maddie shuffles from [my]_0-i lap , forcing [me]_0-i to hold [my]_0-i breath and talk down [my]_0-i dick when [she]_26-maddie innocently rubs against [me]_0-i . There will be none of that , and [I]_0-i never , not ever , thought [I]_0-i would say that in [my]_0-i lifetime with [her]_26-maddie . “ What did [you]_26-maddie do to [your]_26-maddie hand ? ”_[26-maddie] [she]_26-maddie asks , running a light fingertip over the tops of [my]_0-i knuckles . [I]_0-i shake [my]_0-i head and remove [my]_0-i hand from [her]_26-maddie touch , [my]_0-i silent way of telling [her]_26-maddie to leave it . [I]_0-i can see by the wariness in [her]_26-maddie eyes that [she]_26-maddie knows full well what happened to [my]_0-i hand . [She]_26-maddie must have seen the mirror . Or maybe [she]_26-maddie heard it shatter last night . [She]_26-maddie does n’t push it . “ What are [we]_2362-we doing today ? ”_[26-maddie] [she]_26-maddie asks instead . Yes . Back to the important business . [I]_0-i get up and offer [my]_0-i hand , grateful when [she]_26-maddie takes it . “ [I]_0-i ’ve found all the photographs on the computer . [I]_0-i thought [you]_2363-you could spend the morning going through those . ”_[0-i] “ The whole morning ? ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie lets [me]_0-i lead [her]_26-maddie into the study and help [her]_26-maddie sit at the desk . “ [We]_{612-all of us} have a lot of photographs . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i wake up the screen , and [we]_{612-all of us} ’re immediately greeted by a picture of [the four of [us]_{612-all of us}]_{560-the four of us} . It was in Paradise . [The twins]_{2012-the twins} were [toddlers]_{2012-the twins} . [I]_0-i was forty - two , and [Ava]_238-ava a vision of stunning perfection at thirty . [Maddie]_26-maddie ’s in [her]_238-ava arms , [Jacob]_60-jacob in [mine]_0-i . And [we]_{612-all of us} ’re kicking water at each other on [the seashore]_{615-the seashore} , [all of [us]_{612-all of us}]_{612-all of us} laughing . It ’s a beautiful moment captured in time , natural and real . [I]_0-i watch as [she]_26-maddie reaches forward and touches the screen lightly , [her]_26-maddie finger drifting across all four of [our]_{612-all of us} faces . “ [We]_{612-all of us} ’re [a really good - looking family]_{2364-a really good - looking family} , ”_[26-maddie] [she]_26-maddie muses to [herself]_26-maddie . “ [He]_{2364-a really good - looking family} looks like [you]_2365-you . And [she]_26-maddie looks like [me]_26-maddie . ”_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i say nothing , just kiss the top of [her]_26-maddie head and leave [her]_26-maddie to go through the endless shots of [our]_{612-all of us} happiness . [I]_0-i wo n’t be able to watch [her]_26-maddie do that without breaking down . * * * Agony . It ’s pure fucking agony for the whole five hours [she]_26-maddie ’s in [the office]_{192-the office} looking at pictures . [I]_0-i wonder constantly if anything has spiked any memory . And then [I]_0-i finally hear [her]_26-maddie crying and know that it has n’t . [I]_0-i look up to the ceiling , squeezing [my]_0-i eyes closed , anguish settling deeply in [my]_0-i gut . Then [I]_0-i pull [myself]_0-i together and follow [her]_26-maddie cries to [the family room]_{202-the room} . [I]_0-i find [her]_26-maddie on [her]_26-maddie knees at the foot of [[my]_0-i Ava Wall]_{618-my ava wall} . [Her]_26-maddie head is in [her]_26-maddie hands , [her]_26-maddie fists clawing at [her]_26-maddie temples as if [she]_26-maddie ’s trying to physically yank the memories free . Shit , [she]_26-maddie ’ll open [her]_26-maddie wound . “ [Ava]_238-ava , [baby]_238-ava . ”_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i run across [the room]_{202-the room} , [my]_0-i heart tugging painfully as [I]_0-i gather [her]_26-maddie up . Every inch of the wall above [us]_619-us is covered with photographs and captions written by [me]_0-i , [Ava]_238-ava , and [the twins]_{2012-the twins} now , too . There have been days when [I]_0-i have come in here and chilled out on the couch and just stared at it all day , taking in the sheer magnificence . Nothing ever makes [me]_0-i smile harder than finding a new photograph and reading the words either [Ava]_238-ava or [one of [the twins]_{2012-the twins}]_{621-one of the twins} has put with it . It ’s one huge homage to [[my]_0-i family]_{358-my family} , one of the most precious things in [my]_0-i life . And now it ’s a factor of [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie ’s desolation . [My]_0-i eyes fall to the most recent picture , the one [Jacob]_60-jacob and [Maddie]_26-maddie put up nearly two weeks ago . It ’s [me]_0-i , [my]_0-i face moody as [Ava]_238-ava kisses [my]_0-i cheek . The caption in [Maddie]_26-maddie ’s handwriting reads : It ’s [Dad]_1256-dad ’s birthday . And [he]_1256-dad ’s real grumpy about it ! [I]_0-i swallow as [I]_0-i pull [Ava]_238-ava closer to [my]_0-i chest and move to the couch , sitting and arranging [her]_238-ava with ease on [my]_0-i lap . [I]_0-i quickly check [her]_238-ava head , making sure [she]_238-ava ’s not upset [her]_238-ava wound , as [she]_238-ava curls up so small , huddled and sobbing into [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i say nothing and just hold [her]_238-ava for the next hour while [she]_238-ava cries [her]_238-ava heart out , curses out loud , shouts and screams , and sobs some more . [My]_0-i eyes are stinging from the silent tears [I]_0-i allow to escape while [her]_238-ava head is buried in [my]_0-i chest , [her]_238-ava fingers clawing at [my]_0-i T - shirt to hold on to [me]_0-i , like [she]_238-ava ’s afraid [I]_0-i ’ll leave [her]_238-ava alone in [her]_238-ava darkness . Never . [We]_624-we ’re in this together . All the way to the end . [I]_0-i ca n’t see any light at the end of [this torturous tunnel]_{625-this torturous tunnel} , but [I]_0-i pray it ’s there somewhere . Eventually , [her]_238-ava sobbing subsides , though [I]_0-i do n’t push [her]_238-ava to leave [her]_238-ava hiding place , waiting patiently for [her]_238-ava to brave facing [the stranger who ’s holding [her]_238-ava]_{626-the stranger who ’s holding her} . “ Zero , [baby]_194-kate , ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava murmurs into [my]_0-i chest on a sniffle . [I]_0-i stiffen . “ Why do [I]_0-i keep hearing those words ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i push [her]_238-ava away from [my]_0-i chest to find [her]_238-ava eyes . [They]_627-they ’re red and swollen . “ It ’s one of [our]_2367-our games , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i explain , and [she]_238-ava frowns , encouraging [me]_0-i to go on . “ [I]_238-ava start at three , and when [I]_238-ava get to zero — ”_[238-ava] “ What ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i shrug , pushing on . “ Sometimes [I]_0-i tickle the shit out of [you]_194-kate , sometimes [I]_0-i kiss the living daylights out of [you]_194-kate , and sometimes [I]_0-i put [you]_194-kate in bed . ”_[0-i] That ’s about as delicate as [I]_0-i could be in explaining the countdown . “ [Ava]_238-ava , [baby]_238-ava , it ’s just another part of [our]_2368-our wonderful . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava smiles , just a little . But it ’s still a smile . “ [Ava]_238-ava , [baby]_238-ava , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava whispers , settling back into [my]_0-i chest , turning [her]_238-ava face outward so [her]_238-ava cheek is flat on [my]_0-i pec , [her]_238-ava eyes staring across [the room]_{202-the room} to the wall . “ Whenever [you]_194-kate say that , it sounds perfectly right . Whenever [you]_194-kate hold [me]_238-ava , it feels perfectly right . Whenever [I]_238-ava look at [you]_194-kate , [I]_238-ava know [you]_194-kate are [mine]_238-ava . When [I]_238-ava look at [the kids]_{2010-the kids} , [I]_238-ava do n’t recognize [them]_{2010-the kids} , but something tells [me]_238-ava to protect [them]_{2010-the kids} . It all feels incredibly right . ”_[238-ava] “ Because it is right , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i reply , so relieved to hear that . It ’s a flash of the light in this darkness [I]_0-i ’m searching for . “ Everything about [us]_2370-us is right . ”_[0-i] “ So why ca n’t [I]_238-ava remember ? ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava voice cracks again , and not for the first time , [I]_0-i try to imagine [her]_238-ava bleakness . Try to imagine what it must be like to feel so misplaced . [I]_0-i ’m not sure it ’s fair to compare [her]_238-ava struggle to [mine]_0-i . “ [You]_238-ava must be so frustrated , too , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava sobs . “ How long will it be until [you]_238-ava give up on [me]_238-ava ? ”_[238-ava] Give up ? [Jesus]_26-maddie , [she]_238-ava really does n’t know [me]_0-i anymore at all . Ignoring the pain in [my]_0-i heart is hard . Hearing [her]_238-ava doubt [my]_0-i determination is [a killer]_{629-a killer} . “ [You]_238-ava will remember , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i vow . “ [You]_238-ava and [I]_0-i are a formidable force , [Ava]_238-ava . Nothing has defeated [us]_2371-us in the past , and [I]_0-i ’m not about to let it now . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i take [her]_238-ava wedding ring and bring it to [my]_0-i lips , kissing it gently , and [she]_238-ava looks up at [me]_0-i with so much need in [her]_238-ava eyes . It ’s need of another kind . Not a sexual need , but a need for [me]_0-i . Just [me]_0-i . To help [her]_238-ava , to support [her]_238-ava , to love [her]_238-ava . To remind [her]_238-ava . “ [I]_0-i once told [you]_238-ava that [I]_0-i wanted to look after [you]_238-ava forever . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i hold [her]_238-ava eyes , never wavering . “ [I]_238-ava meant it , [baby]_194-kate . Forever is n’t over yet . Never will be , not for [us]_2373-us . [I]_238-ava love [you]_238-ava . [You]_238-ava are the best part of [me]_238-ava , [Ava]_238-ava . The greatest part . That ca n’t be forgotten . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava blinks a few times , maybe a little taken aback . That hurts , too , because any other time [I]_0-i ’ve told [her]_238-ava how much [I]_0-i love [her]_238-ava , [she]_238-ava ’s just smiled and kissed [me]_0-i . “ [We]_2374-we must love each other an awful lot . ”_[238-ava] “ It ’s pure bliss , [baby]_194-kate , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i begin quietly . “ Total gratification . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i lower [my]_0-i lips cautiously and peck [her]_238-ava wet cheek lightly . “ Absolute , complete , earth - shifting — ”_[0-i] “ Universe - shaking love . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava barely breathes those final words , but [I]_0-i hear [them]_630-them like [they]_630-them ’re being delivered through a megawatt speaker held at [my]_0-i ear . “ Yeah , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i confirm , cool on the outside , but on the inside [I]_0-i ’m constantly being carved up by the fact that [she]_238-ava ’s saying things and [she]_238-ava does n’t know why [she]_238-ava ’s saying them . “ [I]_238-ava ’m not going anywhere , and neither are [you]_238-ava , do [you]_238-ava hear [me]_238-ava ? ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava nods through more tears and crawls in closer to [me]_0-i , except this time [her]_238-ava face goes into [my]_0-i neck and [she]_238-ava breathes [me]_0-i in , [her]_238-ava lips resting just perfectly on [my]_0-i skin as [her]_238-ava hands slip under [my]_0-i T - shirt and feel [me]_0-i . “ [You]_238-ava always smell so good . Are [you]_238-ava going to tell [me]_238-ava how old [you]_238-ava are now ? ”_[238-ava] “ Twenty - two . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava chuckles , and [I]_0-i smile . “ [I]_238-ava can tell [you]_238-ava make [me]_238-ava happy . ”_[238-ava] “ Good . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i relax in [my]_0-i seat and [we]_631-we spend a few silent , blissful moments in [our]_631-we madness just snuggling , [her]_238-ava hands skating over [my]_0-i chest , lightly touching [me]_0-i everywhere [she]_238-ava can . Like [she]_238-ava ’s reacquainting [herself]_238-ava to the feel of [me]_0-i . Chapter 15 [We]_631-we ’ve been rattling around [the quiet , empty house]_{632-the quiet , empty house} for two days , leaving only once so [I]_0-i could take [her]_238-ava to therapy . [We]_631-we left the session after no spikes in [her]_238-ava memory , and the hopelessness seemed to multiply by a million . [I]_0-i ’ve forced [myself]_0-i into the spare bed each night , and hated it with a vengeance every time [I]_0-i ’ve left [her]_238-ava in [[our]_631-we suite]_{578-our suite} . Each time , [she]_238-ava watches [me]_0-i as [I]_0-i go , and each time [I]_0-i ’ve wondered if [she]_238-ava really does n’t want [me]_0-i to leave . But there ’s no way [I]_0-i can ask [her]_238-ava . [I]_0-i keep seeing glimmers of a familiar look in [her]_238-ava eyes , a pleased look , the look [she]_238-ava used to give [me]_0-i every day of [our]_631-we lives . It ’s the look that tells [me]_0-i [she]_238-ava wants [me]_0-i . The attraction [she]_238-ava ’s never been able to hide . But now [she]_238-ava ’s holding back . [She]_238-ava ’s trying to fight it . Just like [she]_238-ava did all those years ago when [she]_238-ava walked into [[my]_0-i office]_{634-my office} . But this time , [I]_0-i ca n’t charge [her]_238-ava resistance down like a bull . [I]_0-i ca n’t take what [I]_0-i want . [I]_0-i have to wait for it to be given to [me]_0-i , and it ’s killing [me]_0-i a little bit more each day . [I]_0-i ’ve been watching [her]_238-ava , wondering what ’s going on in that mind of [hers]_238-ava . And [she]_238-ava ’s caught [me]_0-i doing it often , smiling a small smile each time . [She]_238-ava ’s getting used to [me]_0-i . Weighing [me]_0-i up . It ’s now nighttime again , and dread fills [me]_0-i as [I]_0-i walk [her]_238-ava up to [[our]_635-our room]_{332-our room} , the bed still unmade from this morning . [I]_0-i ’d normally strip [her]_238-ava down to [her]_238-ava skin , lift [her]_238-ava into bed , and crawl in behind [her]_238-ava . But that fear of scaring [her]_238-ava to death or being rejected stops [me]_0-i again . [I]_0-i do n’t know if [I]_0-i could take it . Yet walking out and leaving [her]_238-ava kills [me]_0-i , too . [Kate]_194-kate ’s words crawl into [my]_0-i mind . Where ’s [the Jesse Ward]_{637-the jesse ward} [we]_635-our all know and love ? On that note … “ Arms up , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i order [Ava]_238-ava , taking the hem of [her]_238-ava shirt . [She]_238-ava gazes up at [me]_0-i , a little surprised . There ’s uncertainty in [her]_238-ava eyes , and [she]_238-ava flinches when [my]_0-i fingers brush the flesh of [her]_238-ava tummy . In return , [I]_0-i flinch , too , yet [my]_0-i reaction has nothing to do with the usual flame on [my]_0-i skin whenever [I]_0-i touch [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie , and everything to do with [her]_26-maddie wariness . [I]_0-i drop [her]_26-maddie T - shirt and step back , giving [her]_26-maddie space , trying to control the agony in [my]_0-i chest before it puts [me]_0-i on [my]_0-i knees and has [me]_0-i begging . “ Never mind . [I]_0-i ’ll give [you]_{639-the one person in this world who brought me back to life} some privacy . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i turn before [she]_238-ava catches sight of [my]_0-i watery eyes and take [myself]_0-i away from [the one person in this world who brought [me]_0-i back to life]_{639-the one person in this world who brought me back to life} . And [the one person in the world who can finish [me]_0-i]_{639-the one person in this world who brought me back to life} . Closing the door behind [me]_0-i , [I]_0-i stalk away , aware that if [I]_0-i stop and try to gather [myself]_0-i , [I]_0-i ’ll either put a hole in the wall or crumple to the floor and cry [my]_0-i fucking heart out . [I]_0-i roughly brush at [my]_0-i damp eyes as [I]_0-i take [the stairs]_{244-the stairs} , eager to put as much space between [us]_641-us as possible so that when [I]_0-i roar [my]_0-i frustration , [she]_238-ava ’s not as likely to hear . [My]_0-i pace quickens as [I]_0-i round the bottom of [the stairs]_{244-the stairs} , and [I]_0-i stagger into [the games room]_{585-the games room} and shut the door behind [me]_0-i , falling against the wood , [my]_0-i body rolling with the effort it ’s taking to breathe . Bang . [I]_0-i smack the back of [my]_0-i head on the wood , squeezing [my]_0-i eyes shut , quaking with a fury [I]_0-i ’m unable to control . Why ? Why is this happening ? [I]_0-i ’ve pushed [her]_238-ava too far too soon . The roar [I]_0-i ’ve been suppressing since [I]_0-i escaped [[our]_641-us room]_{332-our room} bubbles up from the pit of [my]_0-i stomach and explodes out of [me]_0-i , and [I]_0-i turn , throwing [my]_0-i fist into the door . The door does n’t splinter , but [my]_0-i already split knuckles split some more . It does n’t hurt . The only pain [I]_0-i feel is in [my]_0-i fractured heart . “ Fuck ! ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i stay where [I]_0-i am , forehead resting on the door , fists clenched , for as long as it takes [me]_0-i to cool down . It could be two minutes , it could be an hour . [I]_0-i do n’t know . [I]_0-i feel as though precious time is slipping like sand through an hourglass . Unstoppable . It ’s the sound of [my]_0-i phone that eventually pulls [me]_0-i from the door . Feeling numb , [I]_0-i walk over to the table and swipe it up . It ’s [Kate]_194-kate . “ Hey . ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i slump onto the couch and inspect [my]_0-i bloody fist . “ Everything okay ? ”_[0-i] “ [[My]_194-kate wife]_26-maddie does n’t know who [I]_194-kate am , [Kate]_194-kate . So , no , everything is n’t okay . ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate does n’t reprimand [me]_0-i on [my]_0-i curtness . “ No progress , then ? ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i sigh , long and tiredly . “ [I]_0-i keep getting glimmers of hope . Small things that make [my]_0-i heart leap with promise . And then [they]_2377-they disappear , [my]_0-i hope dies , and [I]_0-i ’m back to square one . ”_[0-i] “ [I]_194-kate know it ’s not [your]_194-kate forte , but [you]_194-kate need to be patient , [Jesse]_454-jesse . Like [the doctor]_{2188-the doctor} said , there ’s a cog in [her]_194-kate mind that ’s jammed . ”_[194-kate] “ And it keeps jittering and then grinding to a stop again . It ’s so fucking frustrating . ”_[0-i] “ [You]_194-kate ’re frustrated ? ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate laughs a little . “ Imagine how [Ava]_238-ava must be feeling , [Jesse]_454-jesse . [She]_194-kate ’s woken up with [a husband]_454-jesse and [two kids]_{2380-two kids} and sixteen years of [her]_194-kate life missing . ”_[194-kate] Guilt . It sweeps right in and cripples [me]_0-i . “ [I]_0-i know . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i rub [my]_0-i forehead , like [I]_0-i can wipe away the stress . “ [I]_0-i can see it all in there , [Kate]_194-kate . It ’s all in there , [I]_0-i just need [her]_194-kate to remember it . ”_[0-i] What if [she]_194-kate never feels the connection and emotion [she]_194-kate did when [we]_644-us met ? No matter how much [I]_0-i might try to describe it to [her]_194-kate , it wo n’t be as intense and crippling as it was back then . How it always is . It wo n’t bond [us]_644-us in the same way , and now more than ever [I]_0-i need that bond . “ [She]_194-kate ’ll remember . Do n’t give up . ”_[0-i] “ Never , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i vow , hoarse through the despair blocking [my]_0-i throat . Despair [I]_0-i ’m quite sure [I]_0-i ’m not hiding very well . “ How about dinner one night ? [All of [us]_644-us]_{612-all of us} . [Drew]_53-drew and [Raya]_54-raya are game . ”_[0-i] “ Yeah , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i agree half - heartedly . [I]_0-i ’m not all that enthusiastic about sitting around a table with [friends]_2054-friends so [they]_2054-friends can see how much of a stranger [I]_0-i am to [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie . “ Let [me]_2054-friends know when . ”_{[2054-friends]} “ [I]_26-maddie will . Keep it together , [Jesse]_454-jesse . It ’s no wonder [she]_26-maddie does n’t recognize [you]_454-jesse . [I]_26-maddie barely do [myself]_26-maddie . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie hangs up with those words still lingering in the air . “ Jesus , ”_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i breathe , dropping [my]_0-i phone to the couch , so caught in conflict . [I]_0-i replay all those little glimmers of hope that [Ava]_238-ava ’s given to [me]_0-i , words that have come from nowhere , but have been quickly snatched away with a frown or muddled look on [her]_238-ava face . The soaring happiness followed quickly by unrelenting hurt . [My]_0-i eyes fall to the drinks cabinet across [the room]_{202-the room} again , the bottle of clear liquor enticing [me]_0-i , pulling [me]_0-i in with promises of respite . “ Keep it together , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say to [myself]_0-i , forcing [my]_0-i heavy body up from the couch . [I]_0-i lock up [the house]_{2056-the house} and make [my]_0-i way [upstairs]_589-upstairs , [my]_0-i eyes nailed to [[our]_650-our bedroom]_{593-our bedroom} door as [I]_0-i wander to [the spare room]_{202-the room} . Another night without [her]_238-ava sprawled all over [my]_0-i chest . Another night missing [her]_238-ava warmth . Another night with the biggest piece of [me]_0-i missing from [my]_0-i side . Chapter 16 [Ava]_238-ava The past few days , all [I]_0-i ’ve had to do is think . Think and go to therapy and think some more . [I]_0-i ’m sick of thinking . [I]_0-i ’m sick of the headaches from thinking too hard . The last [I]_0-i remember , [I]_0-i was dating [a guy named [Matt]_92-matt]_{652-a guy named matt} . [I]_0-i even remember talks of moving in together . So what happened ? And what about the career [I]_0-i was working so hard for ? [I]_0-i work for [[my]_0-i husband]_454-jesse . Live with [[my]_0-i husband]_454-jesse . It ’s obvious [I]_0-i ’m always kept close by . Is that normal ? Is it healthy ? [I]_0-i sigh and turn over in bed , catching sight of the clock on the table . It ’s eight o’clock . [I]_0-i can hear clatters and bangs coming from [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} . Last night [he]_{652-a guy named matt} tried to undress [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i could n’t help but flinch when [he]_{652-a guy named matt} touched [my]_0-i bare skin , not just because [I]_0-i was surprised . [My]_0-i flesh seemed to ignite , and though it was like nothing [I]_0-i ’d felt before , somehow [I]_0-i know that [I]_0-i have . In that moment , [I]_0-i was alarmed by [my]_0-i reaction . Scared by it . [I]_0-i hardly know [him]_{652-a guy named matt} . Yet [my]_0-i body does and it ’s telling [me]_0-i every single day . There ’s a connection . Something deep and almost debilitating . [He]_{652-a guy named matt} ’s devastating . [I]_0-i close [my]_0-i eyes and try to wrap [my]_0-i mind around all the signs that [I]_0-i love [him]_{652-a guy named matt} . Not just the tangible proof — the pictures , [the children]_{2217-the children} , what [people]_2279-people have told [me]_0-i . But the invisible proof . Like [my]_0-i skipping heart when [I]_0-i see [him]_{652-a guy named matt} . Like [my]_0-i heated skin when [he]_{652-a guy named matt} touches [me]_0-i . Like a strange urge inside [me]_0-i to be close to [him]_{652-a guy named matt} . Something clicks whenever [I]_0-i am , like when [he]_{652-a guy named matt} hugs [me]_0-i in those big arms . [He]_{652-a guy named matt} ’s good at snuggling . [He]_{652-a guy named matt} ’s good at comforting [me]_0-i . [He]_{652-a guy named matt} ’s good at giving [me]_0-i space when [I]_0-i need it . [I]_0-i stop that thought process right there and rewind . [I]_0-i do n’t think [he]_{652-a guy named matt} ’s really very good at giving [me]_0-i space , and [I]_0-i really do n’t know if [I]_0-i want it . [I]_0-i can see the strain on [his]_{652-a guy named matt} face whenever [he]_{652-a guy named matt} leaves [the bedroom]_{228-the kitchen} . And [I]_0-i feel the strain within [me]_0-i . Something is n’t right . [He]_{652-a guy named matt} does n’t seem right , and that ’s a strange conclusion for [me]_0-i to reach when [I]_0-i do n’t know [him]_{652-a guy named matt} . Gingerly edging to the side of the bed , [I]_0-i wince as [I]_0-i stand , the muscle behind the healing cut on [my]_0-i leg pulling tight . [I]_0-i pull on a cream gown and head for the door . [I]_0-i want to know things , and [I]_0-i ’m ready to ask . So [he]_{652-a guy named matt} better be ready to tell . Chapter 17 [I]_0-i ’m making coffee again , creating as much noise as [I]_0-i can to fill the silence , when [Ava]_238-ava marches into [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} . [I]_0-i ’m taken aback by the determination written all over [her]_238-ava face . Then [she]_238-ava stops , [her]_238-ava eyes sparkling a bit at the sight of [my]_0-i bare chest . As [her]_238-ava gaze moves down , the sparkle fades and [she]_238-ava points to [my]_0-i stomach . Or the two scars marring it . “ What happened ? ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i look down . [I]_0-i do n’t know why . “ Nothing . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i shake [my]_0-i head and return [my]_0-i attention to [Ava]_238-ava , not prepared to go there yet . Besides , [I]_0-i know [she]_238-ava did n’t come stomping in here looking all resolute to talk about [my]_0-i scars . It ’s the first time [she]_238-ava ’s seen [them]_658-them since the accident . “ What ’s up ? ”_[238-ava] After a little shake of [her]_238-ava own head , [she]_238-ava rights [her]_238-ava softened body , standing tall and confident . “ Tell [me]_238-ava how [we]_2382-we met . [I]_238-ava want [you]_2383-you to tell [me]_238-ava everything . ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i cautiously lower [my]_0-i arse to a stool , torn between happiness that [she]_238-ava ’s asked , and dread from the pressure of having to answer . It was all so intense and a huge whirlwind of feelings and emotion ; the thought of explaining it is suddenly very daunting . “ [I]_238-ava do n’t know where to start , [Ava]_238-ava , ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i admit as [she]_238-ava joins [me]_0-i at [the island]_{2099-the island} . “ [I]_238-ava ’m worried [I]_238-ava wo n’t do [our]_2384-our story justice . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava breathes in a little , thinking , as [her]_238-ava gaze flits across [my]_0-i face . “ Then show [me]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i laugh under [my]_0-i breath , but it ’s nervous . “ [I]_0-i ’m not sure [you]_0-i ’re ready for that . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i do n’t want to freak [her]_238-ava out when [she]_238-ava ’s in such a mind - warp . This is n’t like when [we]_660-we met . [I]_0-i ca n’t go steamrolling in like [I]_0-i did back then . [She]_238-ava ’s delicate now . [Fragile]_93-fragile . [I]_0-i feel like everything is hanging on [my]_0-i approach to this mess . “ Ready for what ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i clench [my]_0-i eyes closed , swallowing . “ [My]_0-i ways . ”_[0-i] “ [Your]_0-i ways ? ”_[0-i] “ Yes , [my]_0-i ways . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i open [my]_0-i eyes and find [hers]_238-ava . The mystification staring back at [me]_0-i only amplifies [my]_0-i worry . [She]_238-ava does n’t know what to make of that . Or of [me]_0-i . “ That ’s what [you]_0-i call it , ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i tell [her]_238-ava . “ [My]_0-i ways . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i go on when [she]_238-ava cocks a questioning head . “ [I]_0-i ’m unreasonable . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i shrug . “ Apparently . ”_[0-i] A deep breath helps [me]_0-i to go on . “ [A control freak]_{2385-a control freak} . ”_[0-i] Another lame shrug . “ Apparently . ”_[0-i] This is hard already , and [I]_0-i ’ve not even skimmed the fucking surface . “ [I]_0-i ’m possessive and controlling and … ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i press [my]_0-i lips together when [her]_238-ava eyes widen a little . “ Apparently , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i add quietly . “ [You]_0-i just said apparently an awful lot . ”_[0-i] “ Apparently , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i mumble , looking away from [her]_238-ava , struggling to express what [she]_238-ava needs to know . “ For fuck ’s sake , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i breathe , frustrated . “ [You]_0-i swear a lot , too . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i shoot [my]_0-i eyes to [hers]_238-ava , finding a rather disapproving look . [I]_0-i could laugh , but [I]_0-i cough instead . “ And [you]_0-i do n’t , for the record . Hardly ever , in fact . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i refuse to feel guilty for telling [her]_238-ava a barefaced lie . This could be the end of [her]_238-ava potty mouth . “ [I]_0-i do n’t ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i shake [my]_0-i head . “ Never . ”_[0-i] “ Oh . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava falls into thought again for a few moments , swallowing repeatedly until [she]_238-ava takes in so much air , [I]_0-i ’m worried about what might come from [her]_238-ava mouth that requires so much preparation . “ [I]_238-ava am ready , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava declares . [I]_0-i ’m lost . “ Ready for what ? ”_[238-ava] “ For [you]_0-i to show [me]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava bites down on [her]_238-ava lip a little , gazing at [me]_0-i as [I]_0-i try to comprehend what [she]_238-ava ’s asking [me]_0-i to do . “ [I]_0-i ’m not sure , [Ava]_238-ava . ”_[0-i] “ [I]_238-ava am sure . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava approaches [me]_0-i and lays [her]_238-ava hands on [my]_0-i chest , forcing [me]_0-i to breathe deeply through the contact . “ [I]_238-ava have a huge , gaping hole in [my]_238-ava head . It ’s where [you]_2386-you and [the children]_{2217-the children} should be , and it ’s truly killing [me]_238-ava that [you]_2386-you ’re not there . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava shoves [me]_0-i a little , bringing [her]_238-ava face close to [mine]_0-i . “ [You]_2386-you ’re here , in [my]_238-ava life , but [you]_2386-you ’re not up here . ”_[238-ava] Releasing one hand , [she]_238-ava taps the side of [her]_238-ava temple softly , though [she]_238-ava still winces a little . [Her]_238-ava move is a reminder to [both of [us]_{461-both of us}]_{461-both of us} that [she]_238-ava needs to take it easy . [Her]_238-ava visible wounds have n’t healed yet , either . “ And [I]_238-ava just know that [you]_2386-you should be . Seeing those photographs has only made that instinct stronger . ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava voice cracks again , and [I]_0-i quickly take [her]_238-ava hand back down from [her]_238-ava head , holding it firmly in [my]_0-i grasp . “ [I]_238-ava need [you]_2386-you to do whatever it takes . ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava fierce determination through [her]_238-ava broken words staggers [me]_0-i . Then [I]_0-i remember who [I]_0-i ’m faced with . [I]_0-i might be [a stranger to [her]_238-ava]_{52-her friend} , but this is still [[my]_0-i wife]_238-ava . [The strongest woman [I]_0-i ’ve ever met]_238-ava . [She]_238-ava has to be , or [I]_0-i would n’t be in [her]_238-ava life , or [she]_238-ava in [mine]_0-i . [She]_238-ava tackled [me]_0-i before , took everything [I]_0-i had to throw at [her]_238-ava . “ Whatever it takes ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i counter , just to hear [her]_238-ava say it again . Just so [I]_0-i know [we]_663-we ’re on the same page . “ Whatever it takes , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava confirms , nodding at the same time . [She]_238-ava ’s giving [me]_0-i permission . Telling [me]_0-i it ’s okay to be … all of [me]_0-i ? “ No pressure , then ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i quip , wondering where to start . The answer comes to [me]_0-i quickly . “ Go take a shower . [We]_663-we ’re going on a little trip . ”_[0-i] * * * As [I]_0-i look up at [the imposing building]_{664-the building} , [I]_0-i conclude that this is just as weird for [me]_0-i as it must be for [Ava]_238-ava . [The Manor]_{2265-the place} is still [The Manor]_{7-the manor} , except now it ’s [The Manor Golf Resort and Spa]_{8-the manor golf resort and spa} . [The grounds]_{666-the grounds} are as spotless as [they]_{666-the grounds} were when [I]_0-i sold [the place]_{2265-the place} , and [the building]_{664-the building} as impressive . “ [We]_2388-we met playing golf ? ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava asks , a little laughter in [her]_238-ava tone . “ How romantic . ”_[238-ava] “ There was n’t much romantic about [our]_2388-we first encounter , [baby]_194-kate , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say , guiding [her]_238-ava up the steps to the open doors , checking for [her]_238-ava limp . It ’s there , if mild . “ There was n’t ? ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava sounds so disappointed , [her]_238-ava head dropped far back , taking in the extraordinary structure . “ [You]_194-kate know , this could be [your]_194-kate perfect opportunity to change that . ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i skid to a stop , looking down at [her]_238-ava , a little stunned . [She]_238-ava remains quiet while [I]_0-i fish for a response to that . [I]_0-i have nothing , so [I]_0-i pull [her]_238-ava on , [my]_0-i mind spinning into overdrive . Not about [her]_238-ava hinting that maybe [I]_0-i should be romantic , but because [she]_238-ava ’s shown a suggestive side , and [I]_0-i like it a lot . [I]_0-i should n’t , however , take that subtle hint as a green light to ravage [her]_238-ava . Not just yet , anyway . “ This way . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i lead [her]_238-ava into [the bar]_{667-the bar} , pick [her]_238-ava up , and place [her]_238-ava on a stool , trying to ignore the fact that despite the exterior of [The Manor]_{190-the manor} remaining the same , the interior has changed dramatically . It looks utterly shit . [I]_0-i gaze around , caught between resentment and reminiscence . The general layout is the same , though the décor is very different . “ Why are [you]_2390-you scowling ? ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava asks . This will probably do nothing to help [her]_238-ava remember . How could it when [I]_0-i barely recognize it [myself]_0-i ? “ It just is n’t how [I]_0-i remember , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i tell [her]_238-ava , pointing to [the barman]_{669-the barman} , who ’s kitted out in some green penguin suit that matches the rest of the décor . “ [Mario]_94-mario looked much better . ”_[0-i] “ Who ’s [Mario]_94-mario ? ”_[0-i] “ [[My]_0-i head barman]_{669-the barman} . ”_[0-i] “ [[Your]_0-i head barman]_{669-the barman} ? ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava blurts . “ Oh yeah . ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i look down at [her]_238-ava , smiling nervously . “ [I]_0-i used to own [this place]_{2391-this place} . ”_[0-i] “ [You]_0-i owned [a golf resort]_{2392-a golf resort} ? ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava mouth hangs open as [she]_238-ava takes a look around [her]_238-ava . “ [The house]_{2391-this place} , [[your]_0-i flash Aston]_{2393-your flash aston} , [this place]_{2391-this place} . Are [we]_671-we rich ? ”_[238-ava] “ [We]_671-we ’re comfortable , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say nonchalantly , hoping that is the end of that , for now , at least . The complexity of [The Manor]_{190-the manor} and how [I]_0-i came to own it is n’t top of [my]_0-i priority list of things to tell [her]_238-ava . It ’s [us]_671-we that ’s important . [I]_0-i order two waters and quietly ask [the barman]_{669-the barman} if [I]_0-i can speak to [the manager]_{669-the barman} . “ Why did [you]_{669-the barman} sell it ? ”_[0-i] “ It was n’t [a golf resort]_{2392-a golf resort} when [I]_0-i owned it , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say , fully aware that [I]_0-i ’ve just opened the floodgates to an inquisition . [I]_0-i take the glass and pass it to [her]_238-ava , waiting for the inevitable . “ Then what was it ? ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava takes a small sip , looking at [me]_0-i , waiting for an answer . [I]_0-i stall , avoiding [her]_238-ava gaze , like [she]_238-ava might find the answer in [my]_0-i eyes . “ Oh , look , a lovely painting of [St. Andrews]_{9-st. andrews} . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i point [my]_0-i glass to a wall on the other side of [the bar]_{667-the bar} , where tasteful art used to hang . [She]_238-ava looks over [her]_238-ava shoulder briefly , clearly not in the least bit interested . “ What was this place when [you]_2395-you owned it ? ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava repeats , leveling an expectant look on [me]_0-i . This simple question has made [me]_0-i realize just how much there is for [her]_238-ava to remember . Fucking hell , this is getting more daunting by the minute . [My]_0-i arse drops to the seat of the stool next to [Ava]_238-ava , and [I]_0-i sigh , long and defeated . “ A sex club , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say quietly , not that there ’s [anyone around to overhear]_{674-anyone around to overhear} . “ Pardon ? ”_[0-i] [She]_238-ava coughs , [her]_238-ava glass of water landing on [the bar]_{667-the bar} . “ It was an exclusive sex club for the rich and beautiful . ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i rest an elbow on the bar , propping [my]_0-i head in [my]_0-i hand . [Her]_238-ava lovely mouth is hanging open again . And [I]_0-i ’m inwardly laughing . [She]_238-ava ’s heard nothing yet , and for the first time , [I]_0-i wonder if there are certain things that [I]_0-i should hold back forever . Things that nearly broke [us]_675-our . Things that [I]_0-i would love to have wiped from [her]_238-ava memory even before the accident . But that would n’t be fair . [Our]_675-our story is [our]_675-our story , after all , and [I]_0-i have to have faith that [she]_238-ava got past it back then , so [she]_238-ava can get past it again . “ Wait . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava retreats on [her]_238-ava seat . “ [You]_238-ava said [we]_675-our met here . ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava finger comes up and swirls the air around [her]_238-ava head , comprehension beginning to dawn . The fear of [her]_238-ava thoughts is endearing . “ Tell [me]_238-ava [I]_238-ava did n’t … ”_[238-ava] “ [You]_238-ava did n’t , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i assure [her]_238-ava on a small smile . “ Oh , thank God , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava breathes , [her]_238-ava hand coming up to [her]_238-ava chest . “ Finding out [I]_238-ava ’m married with [kids]_2298-kids is enough to wrap [my]_238-ava brain around , without the added knowledge that [I]_238-ava was [a kinky bitch]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i laugh at [her]_238-ava evident relief . “ Oh , [you]_238-ava ’re kinky , [lady]_238-ava . And in a whole league of [your]_238-ava own . ”_[0-i] “ What do [you]_238-ava mean ? ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava cheeks flush . [I]_0-i have n’t seen embarrassment on [[my]_0-i wife]_238-ava for years . It still looks good on [her]_238-ava . [I]_0-i relish in the sight , leaning in toward [her]_238-ava to get close . “ [You]_238-ava ’re a teasing temptress , [baby]_238-ava . A savage when [you]_238-ava want to be . ”_[0-i] “ [A savage]_{2397-a savage} ? ”_[0-i] “ Biting . Clawing . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i smile a little at [her]_238-ava growing shock . “ Screaming , really loud . [We]_2398-we ’re fucking perfect together . ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava blush gets even brighter , [her]_238-ava eyes darting away from [mine]_0-i . “ Oh . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i chuckle at [her]_238-ava prudishness . “ Well , this is a strange sight . ”_[0-i] “ What is ? ”_[238-ava] “ [[My]_0-i wife]_238-ava being all shy and reserved . ”_[0-i] “ Well , it ’s not every day [you]_238-ava find out [[your]_238-ava husband]_238-ava owned [a glamorous sex club]_{2399-a glamorous sex club} . ”_[0-i] “ It ’s not every day [[your]_238-ava wife]_238-ava forgets who [you]_238-ava are , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i reply , with no hurt or harshness behind [my]_0-i words . It ’s just a factual statement . “ [We]_2400-our ’re both out of [our]_2400-our comfort zone here , [Ava]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava looks at [me]_0-i in quiet contemplation . “ Why do [I]_238-ava get the feeling that [I]_238-ava ’m about to experience something incredible ? ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i smile and take [her]_238-ava hand , helping [her]_238-ava down from the stool . “ Because [you]_2401-you are . Because [our]_2400-our story is truly incredible . Come on . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i find [the manager]_{672-the manager} and have a quiet word while [Ava]_238-ava stands in [the entrance hall]_{549-the entrance hall} , staring up [the sweeping staircase]_{678-the sweeping staircase} to the balcony landing . Just watching [her]_238-ava there , taking everything in , looking so out of place , brings back so many memories . It ’s sweetly reminiscent , if a little painful . The sight is beautiful , but the feelings are ugly . [I]_0-i do n’t have the all - consuming intrigue and awe swirling within [me]_0-i like [I]_0-i did back then . [I]_0-i have anxiety instead . [I]_0-i join [Ava]_238-ava and stare up to the first floor , too . The doors off [the landing]_{679-the landing} are all closed — doors to [[guests]_680-guests ’ [hotel rooms]_{682-hotel rooms}]_{681-guests ’ hotel rooms} , as opposed to [doors that lead to hours of pleasure]_{683-doors that lead to hours of pleasure} . “ This way , ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i whisper in [her]_238-ava ear , making [her]_238-ava jump a little . [I]_0-i hold [my]_0-i hand out and smile when [she]_238-ava takes it , walking [us]_684-us leisurely though what was [The Manor]_{190-the manor} . When [we]_684-us hit [the ballroom]_{2391-this place} , which is now a huge restaurant with [a terrace onto [the golf course]_{688-the golf course}]_{687-a terrace onto the golf course} , [I]_0-i look back , trying not to hope too much that any of this is familiar to [her]_238-ava . It ’s a long shot , since it ’s so very different from how [I]_0-i remember it . “ [Our]_684-us wedding breakfast was in [this room]_{2391-this place} , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say over [my]_0-i shoulder , leading [her]_238-ava through the scattering of tables . “ Please tell [me]_0-i [you]_0-i sold [this place]_{2391-this place} before [we]_689-we got married . ”_[0-i] “ [I]_0-i ca n’t . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i return [my]_0-i attention forward , smiling when [she]_238-ava sighs . [My]_0-i smile stretches when [I]_0-i spot an elaborate spray of flowers in a huge glass vase with bursts of every color imaginable . [I]_0-i divert [us]_689-we to the table where it stands and scan the bouquet , spotting what [I]_0-i ’m looking for . There ’s only one . But it does n’t matter . [I]_0-i only need one . [I]_0-i pluck the calla from the middle and turn , handing it to [Ava]_238-ava . [She]_238-ava ’s unsure as [she]_238-ava reaches for it , eyes flicking from [me]_0-i to the flower . “ It ’s beautiful . ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i smile mildly and pull [her]_238-ava on . “ Understated elegance , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say over [my]_0-i shoulder , relishing the beam [she]_238-ava gives [me]_0-i in return . “ [They]_2402-they ’re [your]_2402-they favorite flowers . ”_[238-ava] “ Since when ? ”_[238-ava] “ Since the day [you]_2402-they met [me]_0-i , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i tell [her]_238-ava as [we]_689-we approach [my]_0-i office door , thinking [I]_0-i was quite romantic back then after all . [I]_0-i look up at the solid wooden door , [my]_0-i mind bombarded with so many memories , the most poignant and important being the first time that [Ava O’Shea]_238-ava wandered in . [I]_0-i remember it like it could have been yesterday . [I]_0-i was hungover . [Grumpy]_95-grumpy . Wishing [I]_0-i did n’t have to endure the mundane meeting with [an interior designer]_{690-an interior designer} . Then [John]_60-jacob showed [her]_238-ava in , and all headaches and irritability were forgotten . Instant intrigue , desire , and want replaced [them]_691-them . “ Wait here , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i order lightly , dropping [her]_238-ava hand and opening the door , stepping into the vortex of memories . [Her]_238-ava head cranes around [me]_0-i , trying to see into [the office]_{634-my office} . “ Wait ? ”_[238-ava] “ [I]_238-ava want [you]_238-ava to wait one minute and then knock on the door . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava laughs a little . “ Why ? ”_[238-ava] “ Because that ’s how it was when [we]_2403-we met . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i shut the door and spin around , taking in [[my]_0-i office]_{634-my office} . “ Really ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ask thin air . What the fuck have [they]_691-them done to it ? [I]_0-i rush across to the corner and drag the desk to where it should be . [I]_0-i have n’t got time to rearrange the entire space to replicate what it was all those years ago , so this will have to do . [I]_0-i hear a knock and fall into the chair , quickly rolling up the sleeves of [my]_0-i shirt and roughing up [my]_0-i hair a little . “ Come in , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i call , grabbing a pen and jotting something down on a pad to the side . The sound of the door opening fills [the office]_{634-my office} , and [I]_0-i look up to find [she]_238-ava ’s poked [her]_238-ava head around the door . “ [I]_238-ava do n’t even know why [I]_238-ava ’m here , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava says on a shrug , making [me]_0-i sag in the uncomfortable office chair . “ Just come in . ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i flap an impatient hand , beckoning [her]_238-ava . [She]_238-ava shuts the door and stands across [the office]_{634-my office} , looking around , a bit bewildered . “ Nice . ”_[238-ava] “ It was better when it was [[my]_0-i office]_{634-my office} , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say , following [her]_238-ava lead and taking the space in . [I]_0-i sniff [my]_0-i disgust and find [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie again . [She]_26-maddie ’s the only thing that looks right in here , even if [she]_26-maddie ’s staring at [me]_0-i a little blankly , [her]_26-maddie face asking [me]_0-i what next ? [Her]_26-maddie dark hair , currently piled high in a messy knot , is n’t as glossy , and [her]_26-maddie eyes are n’t as shiny . But [she]_26-maddie still takes [my]_0-i breath away . [I]_0-i get up from the chair and slowly round the desk , dragging [my]_0-i fingers across the wood . Then [I]_0-i rest [my]_0-i arse on the edge , crossing [my]_0-i legs at the ankles and [my]_0-i arms over [my]_0-i chest . [Her]_26-maddie eyes fall to [my]_0-i torso , and [I]_0-i smile to [myself]_0-i . “ What do [you]_0-i see ? ”_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i ask , prompting [her]_26-maddie to look up through [her]_26-maddie lashes at [me]_0-i . “ What do [you]_0-i mean ? ”_[0-i] “ Here . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i indicate down [my]_0-i tall frame , eyebrows raised in question . “ What do [you]_0-i see ? ”_[0-i] “ [I]_0-i see [you]_0-i . ”_[0-i] “ Play the game , [Ava]_238-ava , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i warn — low and husky , instantly making [her]_26-maddie shift on [her]_26-maddie feet . That ’s more like it . [She]_26-maddie ’s fidgeting . Good . Let ’s get this fucking show on [the road]_{2159-the road} . [She]_26-maddie breathes in , long and deep . [She]_26-maddie ’s finding the courage to say what [she]_26-maddie wants to say , and [I]_0-i silently will [her]_26-maddie on . “ [I]_26-maddie see dirty blond hair , ”_[26-maddie] [she]_26-maddie begins , clearing [her]_26-maddie throat in order to continue , as if the silly act will wipe [her]_26-maddie voice of the lust that ’s growing . “ Green eyes . ”_[26-maddie] “ And ? ”_[26-maddie] “ And a body to die for . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie smiles shyly on a little shrug of one shoulder , color creeping into [her]_26-maddie cheeks again . “ Which [I]_0-i ’m guessing [you]_0-i must work hard for , given [your]_0-i age . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i just manage to keep [my]_0-i eyebrows from jumping up in surprise . “ [I]_0-i do n’t work that hard , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i clarify , thinking now would usually be a perfect time to start the countdown and warn [her]_26-maddie to take that back . But not now . “ And [you]_0-i do n’t know how old [I]_0-i am , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i point out . “ How old are [you]_0-i ? ”_[0-i] “ Twenty - three . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie laughs lightly , looking away . [She]_26-maddie ’s struggling to keep [our]_695-our eye contact , and [I]_0-i just know it ’s because [she]_26-maddie ’s finding it too intense to deal with . This is good . “ [You]_0-i think [I]_0-i ’m handsome . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i pose it as a statement , because [I]_0-i know it to be true . [She]_26-maddie might have lost [her]_26-maddie memory , but [she]_26-maddie ca n’t have lost [her]_26-maddie taste in [men]_696-men . [I]_0-i ’m [her]_26-maddie taste . [Me]_0-i . Only [me]_0-i . “ Devastatingly , ”_[26-maddie] [she]_26-maddie confesses , with no hesitance or shame , finding the strength [she]_26-maddie needs to lock eyes with [me]_0-i . “ Then [we]_2404-we ’re off to a good start . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i half smile , and so does [she]_26-maddie , more shifting of [her]_26-maddie feet happening . “ [You]_26-maddie ’re also cocky . ”_[26-maddie] “ [You]_26-maddie love [my]_0-i cockiness . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i avoid telling [her]_26-maddie that [she]_26-maddie also loves [my]_0-i cock . It ’s too soon . Or is it ? Then [her]_26-maddie eyes drop to [my]_0-i groin , as if [she]_26-maddie ’s read [my]_0-i mind , and [my]_0-i cock — the one [she]_26-maddie loves — shouts from behind [my]_0-i fly . [I]_0-i talk it down urgently . It ’s definitely too soon for that . [I]_0-i do n’t think [her]_26-maddie mind would cope , and especially not [her]_26-maddie healing body . As [I]_0-i take measured steps toward [her]_26-maddie , [her]_26-maddie breathing gets more labored until [she]_26-maddie eventually gives up altogether and holds [her]_26-maddie breath . [I]_0-i reach [her]_26-maddie and dip , kissing [her]_26-maddie cheek lightly . “ It ’s a pleasure , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i whisper , smiling when [she]_26-maddie shudders from top to toe before snapping out of [her]_26-maddie trance and moving back . “ [You]_2405-you had the very same reaction the first time [we]_2406-we met . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie puffs out a shot of disbelieving laughter , looking away , as if embarrassed by [her]_26-maddie reactions to [me]_0-i . “ [You]_2405-you … um … yes … ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie shakes [herself]_26-maddie , and then winces , reaching up to [her]_26-maddie head and clenching the side . “ [You]_2405-you certainly have a presence , ”_[26-maddie] [she]_26-maddie finishes on a face screwed up in discomfort . [My]_0-i guilt is instant . “ This was too much too soon . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i move in and pick [her]_26-maddie up , and [she]_26-maddie lets [me]_0-i , welcoming [my]_0-i offer of support . “ [I]_26-maddie have legs , [you]_2405-you know , ”_[26-maddie] [she]_26-maddie says , settling [her]_26-maddie head on [my]_0-i shoulder . “ Yeah , yeah , [you]_2405-you tell [me]_26-maddie most days . ”_[26-maddie] In one swift but careful move , [I]_0-i maneuver [her]_26-maddie body , guiding [her]_26-maddie legs to around [my]_0-i waist . “ And this is more like it . ”_[0-i] [Our]_697-our faces are suddenly close again , [her]_26-maddie unsure eyes on [mine]_0-i . “ [You]_2405-you call it [our]_697-our baby chimp cuddle , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say quietly . [She]_26-maddie smiles faintly , scanning [my]_0-i face , as if [she]_26-maddie ca n’t get enough of it . “ [I]_26-maddie ’m guessing [you]_2405-you did n’t actually sweep [me]_26-maddie off [my]_26-maddie feet the first time [we]_697-our met , so what happened after [you]_2405-you had [me]_26-maddie coming over all hot and bothered ? ”_[26-maddie] “ [You]_2405-you ran . ”_[26-maddie] “ [I]_26-maddie ran ? ”_[26-maddie] “ Yes , [you]_2405-you virtually threw [yourself]_2405-you down [the stairs]_{244-the stairs} to escape [me]_26-maddie . Well , after [I]_26-maddie ’d shown [you]_2405-you the extension and told [you]_2405-you [I]_26-maddie liked [your]_2405-you dress . ”_[26-maddie] “ The extension ? [You]_2405-you ’ve lost [me]_26-maddie . ”_[26-maddie] “ [I]_26-maddie hired [you]_2405-you to design [the new rooms [I]_26-maddie had built [here]_2274-here]_2274-here . ”_[26-maddie] Realization floods [her]_26-maddie eyes , as well as a little happiness . Something has just clicked for [her]_26-maddie . “ So that ’s why [I]_0-i was at [a posh sex club]_{2409-a posh sex club} ! ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i nod and move over to a black leather couch , lowering and keeping [Ava]_238-ava on [my]_0-i lap . “ Tell [me]_0-i [your]_2405-you last memory . What ’s the most recent thing [you]_2405-you remember , [Ava]_238-ava ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i take [her]_26-maddie hands and hold them on [my]_0-i chest , watching as [she]_26-maddie falls into thought , [her]_26-maddie forehead creasing in concentration . [I]_0-i wait patiently for [her]_26-maddie to try to find what [she]_26-maddie ’s looking for , soundlessly willing [her]_26-maddie on . “ [I]_26-maddie was working for [a company called [Rococo Union]_{10-rococo union}]_{2410-a company called rococo union} . ”_[26-maddie] [Her]_26-maddie lips twist as [she]_26-maddie looks up at [me]_0-i . “ There was [a man [I]_26-maddie was seeing]_{2411-a man i was seeing} . But it was n’t [you]_{2411-a man i was seeing} . ”_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i feel like a knife just plunged into [my]_0-i fucking heart , and though [I]_0-i fight not to show it , [I]_0-i know [my]_0-i nostrils are flaring dangerously . “ Is that it ? There ’s nothing else ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i try not to sound too hopeful . It ’s hard when [I]_0-i ’ve never hoped for anything more . Just a little something for [me]_0-i to work on . “ Anything ? ”_[26-maddie] [Her]_26-maddie blank expression , the fact that [she]_26-maddie ’s stalling [her]_26-maddie answer , tells [me]_0-i [she]_26-maddie does n’t . “ [I]_26-maddie ’m sorry . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie looks away , probably to avoid the disappointment on [my]_0-i face . [Her]_26-maddie despondency kills [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i pull [her]_26-maddie forward , wrapping [my]_0-i arms around [her]_26-maddie shoulders . “ It ’s fine . ”_[0-i] “ Take [me]_26-maddie [home]_201-home . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie snuggles into [me]_0-i , and [I]_0-i feel [her]_26-maddie tears soaking through [my]_0-i shirt . “ Please . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m up from the couch quickly , carrying [her]_26-maddie out , trying not to let [myself]_0-i feel defeated . It ’s still early days , and [she]_26-maddie ’s heard only a morsel of [our]_699-our tale . Yet [she]_26-maddie ’s exhausted by it already . But [I]_0-i wo n’t quit . It is n’t in [my]_0-i DNA , especially when it comes to [this woman]_26-maddie . Chapter 18 [I]_0-i let [us]_699-our into [[our]_699-our home]_{543-our home} and toss [my]_0-i car keys on the table in [the hallway]_{701-the hallway} . [Ava]_238-ava has been so quiet since [we]_699-our left [The Manor]_{190-the manor} , so thoughtful and pensive . And [I]_0-i just know that [she]_26-maddie ’s trying to wrap [her]_26-maddie mind around the fact that [[her]_26-maddie husband]_26-maddie once owned [an exclusive sex club]_{704-an exclusive sex club} . [I]_0-i feel like [my]_0-i past — the secrets , the hard truths — is all rushing forward and drowning [me]_0-i again , albeit in an entirely different way . [I]_0-i ’ve never felt so fucking helpless . “ Tell [me]_26-maddie about [our]_706-our first date , ”_[26-maddie] [she]_26-maddie says as [she]_26-maddie settles at [the island]_{2099-the island} and [I]_0-i get [us]_706-our some water from the fridge . [Our]_706-our first date ? [Christ]_26-maddie , [I]_0-i just know [she]_26-maddie ’s imagining something romantic like [women]_707-women do . All flowers and feelings and smiles . There was all of that , just not in the way [she]_26-maddie ’s probably expecting . “ It ’s a little … unique . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i take some water and shut the door , risking a peek over [my]_0-i shoulder . “ Unique ? ”_[0-i] “ Not much about [our]_706-our relationship is conventional . Never has been . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i nibble on [my]_0-i bottom lip , wondering where to start . “ [We]_706-our should go into [the lounge]_{708-the lounge} where it ’s more comfortable . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i hand [her]_26-maddie the water and pick [her]_26-maddie up without thought , carrying [her]_26-maddie to the crushed velvet couch by the fire in [the lounge]_{708-the lounge} . [She]_26-maddie does n’t say a word , but [I]_0-i can practically see [her]_26-maddie thoughts churning . It ’s slowly driving [me]_0-i mad , constantly trying to guess what ’s going through [her]_26-maddie mind . [I]_0-i ca n’t go on like this . “ What are [you]_2413-you thinking ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ask , setting [her]_26-maddie down on the sofa and joining [her]_26-maddie . Pulling [her]_26-maddie feet up onto the couch on a little grimace of pain , prompting [me]_0-i to help lift [her]_26-maddie injured leg , [she]_26-maddie looks around the grandeur of [[our]_709-our lounge]_{708-the lounge} . “ [I]_26-maddie ’m thinking [this room]_{686-this room} has [my]_26-maddie name written all over it . ”_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i know that ’s not what [she]_26-maddie was really thinking , but [I]_0-i humor [her]_26-maddie , also taking in the gold and crimson décor . It ’s [[my]_0-i favorite room in [the house]_{2056-the house}]_{686-this room} , for that very reason . It is [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie through and through . “ [You]_26-maddie were never one hundred percent happy with it . ”_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i do n’t know why . To [me]_0-i , it ’s perfect . But [Ava]_238-ava always said there was something missing , and for the life of [her]_238-ava [she]_238-ava could n’t put [her]_238-ava finger on it . “ The curtains need something on the header , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava says out of the blue . [I]_0-i shoot [her]_238-ava a look , finding [her]_238-ava staring at the drapes . “ Like what ? ”_[0-i] “ Some decoration on the pencil pleats . A crystal here or there , maybe . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava shakes [her]_238-ava head and returns [her]_238-ava attention to [me]_0-i . “ What are [you]_0-i smiling at ? ”_[238-ava] “ Nothing . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i kick [my]_0-i feet up on the coffee table and relax back as best [I]_0-i can with [her]_238-ava not in [my]_0-i arms anymore . [I]_0-i just want to yank [her]_238-ava close . All this gently - gently is weird . Fucking painful . “ So , [our]_2414-our first date ? ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava asks , pulling [me]_0-i out of [my]_0-i funk , [my]_0-i head dropping to the side to find [her]_238-ava . “ It depends what [you]_0-i call a first date . ”_[238-ava] “ Oh God , was [I]_0-i easy ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i bark out a bout of laughter . Easy ? [I]_0-i fucking wish . “ Far from it . And it drove [me]_0-i wild . ”_[0-i] “ But [I]_238-ava went on a date with [you]_0-i ? ”_[238-ava] “ [We]_2414-our ’d had sex a fair few times by the time [I]_0-i actually took [you]_0-i out for dinner . ”_[0-i] “ [I]_238-ava was easy . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava grimaces , as if disappointed with [herself]_238-ava . [She]_238-ava should n’t be . If anything , it was [me]_0-i who was disappointed that it took so long for [her]_238-ava to finally give in to the pull that was driving [us]_712-we both to distraction . “ [I]_238-ava should n’t be surprised since [I]_238-ava know how quickly [I]_238-ava fell pregnant . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava shakes [her]_238-ava head in dismay , and [I]_0-i keep [my]_0-i mouth firmly zipped closed . “ But part of [me]_238-ava was hoping [you]_0-i ’d tell [me]_238-ava [we]_712-we met , sparks flew , [you]_0-i asked [me]_238-ava out , [we]_712-we dated for a time , [we]_712-we eventually fell into bed and made romantic love , and then when the time was right , [you]_0-i proposed . And [we]_712-we lived happily ever after . ”_[238-ava] It ’s as [I]_0-i thought . All sweet and light in that mind of [hers]_238-ava . Idyllic fairy tales . Fucking hell , [she]_238-ava ’s so far off the mark , [she]_238-ava may as well be on [another planet]_{713-another planet} . “ Not quite like that . ”_[238-ava] “ Then like what ? ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava ’s hungry for information , keen to learn . [I]_0-i ’m not sure [I]_0-i ’m very keen to tell . “ Well , when [you]_0-i refused to entertain [my]_0-i … ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i pause , wondering how best to position it . “ Advances . ”_[0-i] That ’s diplomatic enough . “ [I]_0-i had to get creative . ”_[0-i] “ [I]_238-ava refused ? ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava eyes take a little trip down [my]_0-i reclined body , clearly wondering why [she]_238-ava turned [me]_0-i down . It plants another seed of hope that [I]_0-i pray wo n’t be killed off before it has a chance to grow into something beautiful . “ Yes , and it ’s a question [I]_0-i asked [myself]_0-i many times , too . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i smile when [she]_238-ava finds it in [herself]_238-ava to rip [her]_238-ava stare away from [my]_0-i chest . “ [You]_238-ava ’re stubborn . Always have been , always will be . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava sniffs though does n’t argue , pressing on with [her]_238-ava thirst for information . “ Creative how ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i open [my]_0-i mouth to tell [her]_238-ava exactly how , and then think better of it . This needs careful approaching . “ [You]_238-ava refused to come back to [The Manor]_{190-the manor} to fulfill [your]_238-ava designs , and [I]_0-i knew it was because [you]_238-ava were wary of [me]_0-i , of the feelings [you]_238-ava had . It was most frustrating . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i half scowl at [her]_238-ava , and [she]_238-ava half smiles in return . “ So [I]_238-ava promised [I]_238-ava ’d stay out of [your]_238-ava way if [you]_238-ava came back and finished the job . ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i can see [her]_238-ava trying to cast [her]_238-ava mind back . “ But [I]_238-ava did n’t . ”_[238-ava] “ Stay out of [my]_0-i way ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i nod . “ Staying away from [you]_238-ava proved very … tricky . ”_[0-i] “ [You]_238-ava must have had a real crush . ”_[238-ava] “ A crush ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i laugh . “ An obsession would be more apt . [You]_238-ava blew [me]_0-i back , with [your]_238-ava beauty , [your]_238-ava voice , [your]_238-ava passion for [your]_238-ava job . For the first time in years , [I]_0-i felt alive . ”_[0-i] “ Years ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i knew [we]_714-we ’d have to go over this , but … [God]_373-god , it ’s not something [I]_0-i relish the thought of . “ [I]_0-i was a bit of … ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i fade off , thinking how to make it sound less sordid . “ [A playboy]_{2416-a playboy} . ”_[0-i] “ Well , that ’s not a surprise , since [you]_238-ava owned [a sex club]_{2417-a sex club} . ”_[715-she] [She]_715-she ’s taking it rather well . It ’s a stark contrast to the reaction back in the day . If only [she]_715-she ’d been this willing to listen and accept back then , when [she]_715-she discovered [the communal room]_{716-the communal room} . [I]_0-i shudder , remembering the train wreck that ensued . “ So [you]_238-ava used to screw around ? ”_[715-she] [she]_715-she asks . “ Something like that . ”_[715-she] “ But [you]_238-ava stopped when [you]_238-ava met [me]_715-she ? ”_[715-she] “ [I]_0-i stopped , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say , hating [myself]_0-i for bending the truth . Positively hating [myself]_0-i . [I]_0-i ’m being selective with what [I]_0-i tell [her]_715-she , and [I]_0-i know in [my]_0-i heart of hearts that it is n’t fair . “ Why do n’t [I]_715-she believe [you]_238-ava ? ”_[715-she] [She]_715-she tilts [her]_715-she head , scanning [my]_0-i worried face . “ [You]_238-ava ’re lying to [me]_715-she , are n’t [you]_238-ava ? ”_[715-she] [I]_0-i close [my]_0-i eyes , stress creeping up on [me]_0-i , and swallow down [my]_0-i fear . [I]_0-i ca n’t even appreciate the fact that [she]_715-she ’s reading [me]_0-i like a book , like [she]_715-she knows [me]_0-i inside out . “ There was this one incident . ”_[715-she] “ [You]_238-ava cheated on [me]_715-she ? ”_[715-she] [She]_715-she ’s up off the couch quickly , glaring down at [me]_0-i through the discomfort [her]_715-she sharp move has spiked . [I]_0-i ’m about to be trampled , [Ava]_238-ava - style . “ Not exactly . ”_[715-she] [I]_0-i grab [her]_715-she hand and encourage [her]_715-she back down , not releasing [her]_715-she when [she]_715-she fights to regain possession of [her]_715-she limb . “ [We]_2418-we were n’t really … ”_[715-she] Fuck , how can [I]_0-i put it ? “ Exclusively dating . ”_[715-she] “ But [we]_2418-we were seeing [each other]_{2249-each other} ? ”_[715-she] “ [I]_715-she guess so . If that ’s what [you]_715-she want to call it . ”_[715-she] “ Well , [I]_715-she do n’t know , [Jesse]_454-jesse . ”_[715-she] [She]_715-she ’s getting more and more irate , and [I]_0-i have no idea how to handle it . Usually [I]_0-i ’d pounce right back at [her]_715-she . [We]_717-we ’d spar with words , and then [we]_717-we ’d make [friends]_2054-friends in [the bedroom]_{302-the bedroom} . “ Because [I]_715-she ca n’t fucking remember , can [I]_715-she ? ”_[715-she] [she]_715-she seethes . “ Watch [your]_715-she fucking mouth ! ”_[715-she] [She]_715-she recoils , disgust invading [her]_715-she face . “ Excuse [me]_715-she ? ”_[715-she] “ [I]_715-she do n’t like it when [you]_715-she swear . ”_[715-she] “ Well , [I]_373-god do n’t like finding out that [[my]_373-god husband]_454-jesse has cheated on [me]_373-god . ”_[373-god] [Motherfucking God]_373-god ! [I]_0-i release [my]_0-i hold of [her]_715-she and sink [my]_0-i head into [my]_0-i palms , searching for some calm . [I]_0-i never dreamed [we]_720-we ’d be going over this again . “ [Ava]_238-ava , [I]_0-i got [myself]_0-i in a bit of a state over what [I]_0-i felt for [you]_238-ava . It was n’t healthy , the intense feelings so soon . So [I]_0-i walked away from [you]_238-ava . [I]_0-i drank , a lot , and [I]_0-i screwed [two women]_{2421-two women} . And [I]_0-i did n’t even finish , because all [I]_0-i could see was [you]_238-ava . [I]_0-i spent two fucking days locked in [[my]_0-i office]_{634-my office} wondering what the hell to do . Because [you]_238-ava did n’t know about [The Manor]_{190-the manor} . [You]_238-ava did n’t know about [my]_0-i history . [You]_238-ava knew nothing , and [I]_0-i did n’t have a clue how to tell [you]_238-ava . ”_[0-i] This is fucking knackering [me]_0-i out . All of it . “ So [I]_0-i threw all of [my]_0-i energy into making [you]_238-ava fall in love with [me]_0-i in the hopes that [you]_238-ava would accept it all when [I]_0-i found the courage to tell [you]_238-ava . And [you]_238-ava did , [Ava]_238-ava . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i grab [her]_0-i hand , ignoring [her]_0-i startled expression and soldiering on . “ [You]_238-ava accepted [me]_0-i because [you]_238-ava were as hopelessly in love with [me]_0-i as [I]_0-i was with [you]_238-ava . [You]_238-ava could n’t be without [me]_0-i , either . [You]_238-ava let [me]_0-i take the lead and [you]_238-ava followed willingly . [You]_238-ava let [me]_0-i lavish [you]_238-ava with the attention and suffocation , because [you]_238-ava knew it ’s what [I]_0-i needed . [You]_238-ava learned how to deal with [me]_0-i , [Ava]_238-ava , and [you]_238-ava are [the only person in [this world who can]_{2424-this world who can}]_238-ava . ”_[0-i] [My]_0-i voice cracks . “ And now [I]_721-she feel like [you]_238-ava ’re slipping away from [me]_721-she , and [I]_721-she do n’t have a fucking clue how to make it right . ”_[721-she] [She]_721-she ’s still , quiet , looking increasingly startled . The silence is unbearable . Excruciating . “ Please , say something , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i beg , pleading with [my]_0-i eyes as well as with [my]_0-i words . “ [I]_0-i punished [myself]_0-i . [You]_238-ava punished [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i ca n’t go through that all over again . ”_[0-i] “ [You]_238-ava punished [yourself]_238-ava ? How ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m quickly shifting in [my]_0-i seat , dropping [her]_721-she and raking [my]_0-i hand through [my]_0-i hair . [My]_0-i actions speak volumes , even if [my]_0-i mouth refuses to . “ [Jesse]_454-jesse , how ? ”_[721-she] [she]_721-she presses , a certain sternness in [her]_721-she demand . Does [she]_721-she realize [she]_721-she ’s reading [my]_0-i body language ? For [a woman who does n’t remember [me]_0-i]_{722-a woman who does n’t remember me} , [she]_721-she ’s showing all the instinctive signs of knowing [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i wish [I]_0-i could appreciate that right now . [I]_0-i ca n’t . [I]_0-i ’m just more terrified by the prospect of ruining [my]_0-i chances before [I]_0-i ’ve even really tried . “ [I]_0-i had [myself]_0-i whipped . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i close [my]_0-i eyes as [I]_0-i tell [her]_721-she , unwilling to see the inevitable horror on [her]_721-she face . “ It was either that or drink [myself]_0-i into oblivion . ”_[0-i] “ What ? ”_[721-she] [she]_721-she gasps . “ Whipped ? By who ? ”_[721-she] [I]_0-i do n’t hesitate . Let ’s get this horror show over with . “ [Sarah]_26-maddie . ”_[721-she] “ Who the hell is [Sarah]_26-maddie ? ”_[721-she] “ [An old friend]_26-maddie . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i open [my]_0-i eyes and find [Ava]_238-ava heaving before [me]_0-i . [She]_238-ava ’s mad . It ’s a small blessing because it shows [she]_238-ava cares . “ [You]_26-maddie did n’t like [her]_238-ava much . ”_[238-ava] “ [I]_96-pivoting ’m not surprised ! ”_{[96-pivoting]} [Pivoting]_96-pivoting , [she]_238-ava walks to the French doors that lead to [the garden]_{2075-the garden} and stands staring out across [[our]_724-our land]_{725-our land} , arms folded over [her]_238-ava chest . It ’s cloudy out there . Dull . Grey . Miserable . Apt . “ Why would [you]_26-maddie do that ? ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava asks . “ [I]_238-ava already told [you]_26-maddie . To punish [myself]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava remains with [her]_238-ava back to [me]_0-i , though [I]_0-i see [her]_238-ava shoulders rise . An inhale of shock ? Or an inhale of strength ? “ And [this Sarah]_238-ava . [[Your]_238-ava friend]_238-ava . Is [she]_238-ava still in [your]_238-ava life ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m thrown back to last week , the moment when [John]_60-jacob told [me]_0-i [she]_238-ava ’d returned to [London]_11-london . The moment when [I]_0-i went to call [Ava]_238-ava to tell [her]_238-ava but got a call from [the school]_{2041-the school} instead . The moment when [my]_0-i world shattered . “ No , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i vow , because [she]_238-ava is n’t . “ [She]_238-ava left , moved to [the States]_{357-the states} when [she]_238-ava realized there was only [one woman in [my]_238-ava life]_{2272-a little girl} . [You]_{2272-a little girl} . ”_[238-ava] “ That was good of [her]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava curtness stings , but [I]_0-i accept that it ’s all [I]_0-i can expect . “ [Sarah]_26-maddie was [[my]_0-i uncle ’s girlfriend]_26-maddie , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i explain . “ [They]_2427-they had [a little girl]_{2272-a little girl} together . ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava turns to face [me]_0-i , all spite lost , astonishment replacing it . “ But [she]_{2272-a little girl} was in love with [you]_26-maddie ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i nod . “ [Uncle Carmichael]_{2143-uncle carmichael} owned [The Manor]_{190-the manor} before [I]_0-i did . [I]_0-i worked for [him]_{2143-uncle carmichael} as [a teenager]_{2429-a teenager} . [He]_{2143-uncle carmichael} introduced [me]_0-i to that lifestyle . ”_[0-i] “ Bloody hell , [Jesse]_454-jesse . Do [[your]_454-jesse parents]_{329-your parents} know ? ”_[727-she] “ Of course . That ’s why [I]_0-i did n’t speak to [them]_{329-your parents} for years . [We]_{329-your parents} only reconciled when [you]_454-jesse came into [my]_0-i life . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i pat the couch next to [me]_0-i . “ [Ava]_238-ava , come and sit down with [me]_0-i , please . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i do n’t know if it ’s instinct or a sense of duty , but [she]_727-she does , settling warily . “ [I]_727-she ’m going to give [you]_238-ava a shortened version because , frankly , it ’s so far in the past and there are so many other things [I]_727-she need to share with [you]_238-ava , tell [you]_238-ava , things that are more relevant to [our]_{329-your parents} lives now . Things that have made [us]_{329-your parents} happy . Things that have built [us]_{329-your parents} . Things that helped [us]_{329-your parents} get over the shitty stuff and brought [us]_{329-your parents} to now . ”_[727-she] “ But it ’s all part of [our]_{329-your parents} story , good or bad . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ca n’t argue with that . “ But it ’s painful , [Ava]_238-ava . ”_[727-she] [She]_727-she reaches over and takes [my]_0-i hand . It ’s a natural display of comfort , and [I]_0-i ’m so grateful for it . “ Tell [me]_0-i . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i rub into [my]_0-i weary eyes with [my]_0-i spare hand , squeezing [my]_0-i other around [hers]_728-i . “ [I]_0-i was a twin [myself]_0-i , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i begin , and [she]_728-i smiles softly , changing the hold of [our]_729-our hands so [her]_728-i fingers are laced with [mine]_0-i , moving closer . “ [[My]_728-i brother]_{2431-my brother} was [the good boy]_{2431-my brother} . [The achiever]_{2431-my brother} . [I]_728-i was … well , a pain in [[my]_728-i parents]_{493-my parents} ’ arse , [I]_728-i see that now . [I]_728-i led [him]_{2431-my brother} astray , and … ”_[728-i] Fucking hell , [I]_0-i can feel a vise squeezing [my]_0-i heart , air being drained from [my]_0-i lungs . “ [We]_729-our were out one night . Drinking . It was [my]_0-i idea . [I]_0-i encouraged [him]_{2431-my brother} . [Jacob]_60-jacob walked into [the road]_{2159-the road} . ”_[0-i] [Her]_0-i hand covers [her]_0-i mouth , realization hitting [her]_0-i . “ [Jacob]_60-jacob , ”_[0-i] [she]_0-i mumbles . [I]_0-i nod [my]_0-i confirmation of [[our]_730-our son]_{731-our son} ’s name and [[my]_0-i dead brother]_{731-our son} ’s . “ [Mum]_32-mum and [Dad]_1256-dad blamed [me]_0-i for [Jake]_60-jacob ’s death . [I]_0-i was a mess . [I]_0-i felt so guilty . ”_[0-i] Something tells [me]_0-i that [I]_0-i should hold back on [[my]_0-i ex - wife and dead daughter]_{732-my ex - wife and dead daughter} right now . [I]_0-i ’m already bombarding [Ava]_238-ava with so much . So , right or wrong , [I]_0-i skip it and go straight to the beginning of [my]_0-i life at [The Manor]_{2265-the place} . Or the end of [my]_0-i life until [Ava]_238-ava crashed into it . “ [I]_238-ava went off [the rails]_{2434-the rails} . Took up residence at [The Manor]_{2265-the place} . [Uncle Carmichael]_{2143-uncle carmichael} passed away , [I]_238-ava inherited [the place]_{2265-the place} , and the rest is history . ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava cheeks puff out , [her]_238-ava head shaking slowly , disbelieving . “ [I]_238-ava do n’t even know what to do with all of this . ”_[238-ava] “ Do nothing . Say nothing , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i tell [her]_238-ava , pulling [her]_238-ava closer . “ When [I]_0-i met [you]_238-ava , [you]_238-ava pulled [me]_0-i out of the black hole [I]_0-i ’d been trapped in for so long . [You]_238-ava gave [me]_0-i new life and purpose . [I]_0-i felt good for the first time in years , and [I]_0-i was n’t about to let [you]_238-ava refuse [me]_0-i those feelings . ”_[0-i] “ So [you]_238-ava got creative ? ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava eyebrow hitches a smidgen . “ Yes . [I]_238-ava swear , [I]_238-ava ’d never worked so hard to get laid . ”_[238-ava] A small gasp followed by a playful slap of [my]_0-i upper arm prompts a little laugh from [me]_0-i , and as a result , [Ava]_238-ava rolls [her]_238-ava eyes , not being able to help smiling [herself]_238-ava . [I]_0-i pull [her]_238-ava onto [my]_0-i lap , and [she]_238-ava does n’t complain , coming with ease . “ Was it good ? ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava asks . “ When [you]_2435-you finally got [me]_238-ava into bed . ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava lips seal tightly , as if [she]_238-ava ’s bracing [herself]_238-ava . [She]_238-ava ’s wondered this before . [She]_238-ava ’s looked at [me]_0-i and considered what it would be like to be intimate with [me]_0-i . “ [You]_2435-you mean against a wall . ”_[238-ava] “ Huh ? ”_[238-ava] This is better . This is the important stuff . The feelings , the connection , the out - of - this - world sex . “ At [Lusso]_88-lusso . ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava frown is huge . “ What ’s [Lusso]_88-lusso ? ”_[238-ava] “ [A complex on [St. Katharine Docks]_{12-st. katharine docks}]_{2436-a complex on st. katharine docks} . [You]_2435-you were [the designer]_{2437-the designer} . [I]_238-ava bought [the penthouse]_{190-the manor} . That ’s how [I]_238-ava heard [your]_2435-you name and why [I]_238-ava got [you]_2435-you to [The Manor]_{190-the manor} . [I]_238-ava liked what [you]_2435-you did with it . Italian shit everywhere . ”_[238-ava] “ Oh . So [you]_2435-you did get [me]_238-ava back to [[your]_2435-you apartment]_{2439-your apartment} , then ? ”_[238-ava] “ Not quite . [I]_238-ava got [you]_2435-you in [the bathroom]_{294-the bathroom} on launch night . ”_[238-ava] “ [I]_194-kate screwed [you]_2435-you in the bathroom of a show [home]_201-home ? Oh God ! ”_[194-kate] [Her]_194-kate forehead falls onto [my]_0-i chest and rolls from side to side in despair . “ That ’s not like [me]_194-kate . [I]_194-kate do n’t do things like that . ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i smile and wrap [her]_194-kate in [my]_0-i arms , savoring the moment of [her]_194-kate being so close . [She]_194-kate was n’t like that . [I]_0-i know . That was one of the things [I]_0-i loved about [her]_194-kate . Problem is , [she]_194-kate ’s still [that young woman in [her]_194-kate mind]_194-kate . “ It was incredible . The want thrumming from [your]_194-kate body , mirroring [mine]_0-i . [We]_735-we were inevitable , [baby]_194-kate . A spark just waiting to explode . And , trust [me]_194-kate , [we]_735-we exploded . ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i swallow , [my]_0-i face in [her]_194-kate hair , [my]_0-i body coming to life just talking about that moment in [our]_735-we history . The moment [she]_194-kate gave in . The moment the explosion happened . As a result of [my]_0-i thoughts , [my]_0-i cock starts to stiffen , and it ca n’t have escaped [Ava]_238-ava ’s notice , since [she]_194-kate ’s sitting on the damn thing . [She]_194-kate better not move ; [I]_0-i ca n’t promise [I]_0-i ’ll be able to hold ba — [She]_194-kate shifts , and [I]_0-i suppress a growl , not very successfully . [I]_0-i ’m iron behind [my]_0-i jeans . [My]_0-i veins are hot . [My]_0-i heart jumping . It ’s not a good place to be when any kind of [Jesse]_454-jesse - style fuck is off the table . Lips straight , [she]_194-kate finds [my]_0-i eyes , and [I]_0-i see that dormant lust lingering in their depths . [She]_194-kate swallows and drops [her]_194-kate gaze to [my]_0-i lips . Fucking hell , [I]_0-i ’ve never been so starving for [her]_194-kate . Never been so desperate to take [her]_194-kate . Never felt so paralyzed by desire . [She]_194-kate ’s just staring at [my]_0-i mouth , [her]_194-kate body now unmoving on [my]_0-i lap , [her]_194-kate mind clearly racing . [She]_194-kate wants to kiss [me]_0-i . Wants to taste [me]_0-i . “ Are [you]_2442-you ready to stop fighting it now ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ask , being catapulted back to [Lusso]_88-lusso when [I]_0-i finally got to take what [I]_0-i so badly wanted . “ [I]_194-kate need all of [you]_2442-you . Say [I]_194-kate can have all of [you]_2442-you . ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate immediately looks confused by [her]_194-kate words , but [I]_0-i ’m fucking elated , because even though [she]_194-kate does n’t know where these words are coming from , [they]_736-they ’re coming , and that ’s really all the hope [I]_0-i can count on right now . “ [You]_2442-you can have all of [me]_0-i , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i tell [her]_194-kate quietly , even though [she]_194-kate already owns every fiber of [my]_0-i being . [She]_194-kate slowly drops forward until [her]_194-kate lips gently meet [mine]_0-i . It ’s a beautiful moment , one , along with many others , that [I]_0-i will cherish for as long as [I]_0-i live . [I]_0-i do n’t take the lead , deciding that [I]_0-i should let [her]_194-kate take it at [her]_194-kate own pace , and [I]_0-i ’m more than happy with [her]_194-kate pace . It ’s slow . It ’s soft . It ’s gentle and loving and everything that it should be . It ’s everything that [I]_0-i feel . The sofa melds around [my]_0-i back , and [Ava]_238-ava melds into [my]_0-i front , [my]_0-i head resting back , [my]_0-i mouth and [my]_0-i tongue lax to easily follow [her]_194-kate movements . [My]_0-i hands keep a firm hold of [her]_194-kate hips , just enough to tell [her]_194-kate that [I]_0-i ’m here and [I]_0-i so desperately want to be . [I]_0-i have n’t tasted [her]_194-kate in over a week . It ’s the longest stretch [I]_0-i ’ve ever gone without kissing [her]_194-kate , feeling [her]_194-kate , and maybe that is why every sense feels heightened . [She]_194-kate tastes more potent ; [my]_0-i skin feels hypersensitive to [her]_194-kate touch . It ’s perfect . So perfect , [I]_0-i never want it to end . “ Are [you]_2443-you okay ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ask against [her]_194-kate lips when [she]_194-kate pauses a beat before resuming [her]_194-kate exploration of [my]_0-i mouth , [her]_194-kate palms holding [my]_0-i cheeks as if [she]_194-kate ’s scared [I]_0-i ’ll move and break [her]_194-kate flow . “ [You]_2443-you are such a good kisser , ”_[194-kate] [she]_194-kate mumbles , pushing [her]_194-kate front into [me]_0-i , not helping with the situation behind the fly of [my]_0-i jeans . Kissing , yeah , great , but [I]_0-i ’m not sure if [she]_194-kate ’s ready for more just yet . “ It feels like [we]_737-we ’ve done this a million times , got it down to a fine art . ”_[0-i] “ [We]_737-we have done it a million times , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say , quickly cursing [myself]_0-i when [she]_194-kate breaks [our]_737-we lips and pulls away . “ Of course . ”_[194-kate] [Her]_194-kate cheeks are flushed , and [I]_0-i ’m struggling to fathom whether it ’s with embarrassment or desire . “ Sorry , [I]_0-i got a little carried away . ”_[0-i] Oh , the strength it takes for [me]_0-i not to bark [my]_0-i frustration nearly breaks [me]_0-i . “ Do n’t apologize , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i order as softly as [I]_0-i can , taking [her]_194-kate chin and directing [her]_194-kate face to [mine]_0-i . “ Thank [you]_0-i . ”_[0-i] “ For what ? ”_[194-kate] “ For that amazing kiss . ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate smiles , almost shyly . “ Thank [you]_0-i , too . ”_[194-kate] [Her]_194-kate blush is heartbreaking because it signifies the loss of [our]_737-we time , and deeply gratifying because [I]_0-i can at least make [her]_194-kate blush again . [She]_194-kate was so used to [me]_0-i after all these years , nothing [I]_0-i said or did fazed [her]_194-kate anymore . “ [I]_0-i want to take [you]_0-i out tomorrow , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i tell [her]_194-kate . “ Do [you]_0-i think [you]_0-i can manage it ? ”_[0-i] “ Where are [you]_0-i taking [me]_0-i ? ”_[0-i] Reaching for [her]_194-kate hair , [I]_0-i push a stray lock over [her]_194-kate shoulder . “ A little trip down [memory lane]_{2444-memory lane} . ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate says nothing , just smiles as [I]_0-i rise from the couch with [her]_194-kate still attached to [my]_0-i front . Encouraging [her]_194-kate to find [her]_194-kate feet , [I]_0-i turn [her]_194-kate by [her]_194-kate shoulders and push [her]_194-kate on . “ Go get ready for dinner . ”_[0-i] “ [Bossy]_97-bossy again , ”_[194-kate] [she]_194-kate muses . “ Like [I]_194-kate said , get used to it . ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i release [her]_194-kate at the bottom of [the stairs]_{244-the stairs} and watch as [she]_194-kate takes them slowly , constantly glancing over [her]_194-kate shoulder at [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i cock [my]_0-i head , lifting [my]_0-i eyebrows when [she]_194-kate tries to hide a secret smile . “ What ’s tickled [you]_0-i ? ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i call . [Her]_194-kate delicate shoulders jump up in a small shrug , but [she]_194-kate does n’t say anything . [She]_194-kate does n’t need to . [She]_194-kate felt something powerful just then . Something in [our]_739-we kiss that reinforced the rightness of [her]_194-kate being here with [me]_0-i . [She]_194-kate was lost in that moment , and [her]_194-kate mind was blank for all the right reasons . Chapter 19 The next morning , [I]_0-i ’m all set . [I]_0-i ’ve called [Dr. Peters]_{74-dr. peters} to ensure [I]_0-i ’m not pushing [her]_194-kate too far , and [he]_{74-dr. peters} reassured [me]_0-i that [my]_0-i plan to revisit some of [our]_739-we past is a good idea . Just to take it easy with [her]_194-kate , which was a stupid fucking thing to say . [We]_739-we also chatted briefly about all these small hints of memories , all the words , and [he]_{74-dr. peters} seemed thrilled by that . All in all , [I]_0-i ’m feeling pretty good . [I]_0-i know where [we]_739-we ’re going , what [we]_739-we ’re doing , and [I]_0-i ’m really looking forward to it . That kiss last night . It was just a kiss , but it was earthmoving . [I]_0-i felt like [she]_194-kate was breathing hope into [me]_0-i . It made sleeping alone again that little bit more bearable . “ What are [you]_194-kate looking at ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ask as [Ava]_238-ava performs a full assessment of [me]_0-i in [the hallway]_{701-the hallway} , [her]_194-kate eyes roaming up and down [my]_0-i tall frame . “ [You]_194-kate just do n’t seem the type to wear leather trousers . ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate ’s thinking so hard [she]_194-kate ’s frowning . “ Then again , [you]_194-kate did n’t seem [the type to own a sex club]_{2445-the type to own a sex club} , either . ”_[194-kate] Looking up at [me]_0-i , [she]_194-kate shrugs a little . “ [I]_194-kate guess [they]_2446-they go hand in hand . ”_[194-kate] Laughter so rich and loud spills out of [me]_0-i . “ It is n’t what [you]_194-kate think , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i assure [her]_194-kate , chuckling as [I]_0-i produce another set of leather trousers . “ These are [yours]_194-kate . ”_[0-i] “ Oh God , next [you]_194-kate ’ll be pulling out a whip . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i recoil , [my]_0-i arm dropping limply to [my]_0-i side . “ There ’s no whip . ”_[0-i] “ Oh shit . ”_[194-kate] [Her]_194-kate mouth snaps shut , [her]_194-kate disposition quickly awkward . “ [I]_194-kate ’m guessing whips are a no - go zone for [us]_741-us . ”_[194-kate] “ It ’s not the most thrilling part of [our]_741-us history . ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i hand [her]_194-kate the trousers , and [she]_194-kate takes them , if a little cautiously , not because [she]_194-kate ’s still wondering what [we]_741-us ’re doing and why [she]_194-kate ’ll be wearing them , but because [her]_194-kate mind is whirling about that horrid time . “ [You]_194-kate told [me]_194-kate that [I]_194-kate punished [you]_194-kate , too , ”_[194-kate] [she]_194-kate says , looking at the leather in [her]_194-kate grasp . “ [You]_194-kate punished [yourself]_194-kate by being whipped . So how did [I]_194-kate punish [you]_194-kate ? ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i flinch , the cracking of leather across [her]_194-kate back echoing through [my]_0-i skull like the perfect kind of torture . Though [her]_194-kate reasoning at the time eventually made sense to [me]_0-i , it did n’t make it any easier to accept . Anger sizzles , threatening to surface as [I]_0-i eye [her]_194-kate with caution and collect [my]_0-i keys and shades . “ [I]_0-i ’d rather not revisit one of the most horrific moments in [my]_0-i life . ”_[0-i] [My]_0-i answer only seems to enhance [her]_194-kate curiosity , and in true [Ava]_238-ava style [she]_194-kate pushes on . “ Something tells [me]_194-kate that [I]_194-kate did n’t dump [your]_2447-you arse for a few days . Or give [you]_2447-you the silent treatment . So how did [I]_194-kate punish [you]_2447-you ? ”_[194-kate] “ It ’s not important . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i make [my]_0-i way to the door , eager to end this conversation . [I]_0-i ’m [a fool]_{742-a fool} . Evading questions and distracting [Ava]_238-ava in the early days of [our]_743-our relationship was what got [me]_0-i in such a mess in the first place . Have n’t [I]_0-i learned ? “ [Your]_194-kate body language disagrees , ”_[194-kate] [she]_194-kate calls , pulling [me]_0-i to a stop at the door . “ Tell [me]_194-kate . ”_[194-kate] Tell [her]_194-kate . Will [she]_194-kate believe it ? [I]_0-i did n’t at the time , and [I]_0-i saw firsthand the nightmare unfolding before [me]_0-i . [That bastard]_{744-that bastard} lashing [her]_194-kate , [her]_194-kate body hanging limply . [I]_0-i swallow and turn to face [her]_194-kate , as well as facing up to [my]_0-i responsibility . “ [You]_194-kate were n’t punishing [me]_194-kate for sleeping with [someone else]_{267-someone else} . ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate flinches at the reminder , and though the vision hurts , something sick inside [me]_0-i appreciates [her]_194-kate reaction . Because it ’s another sign that [she]_194-kate cares . The thought of [me]_0-i with [another woman]_{745-another woman} pains [her]_194-kate . Even now , when [she]_194-kate does n’t know [me]_0-i . “ Then what was [I]_194-kate punishing [you]_194-kate for ? ”_[194-kate] “ Having [my]_194-kate guilt thrashed out of [me]_194-kate . For hurting [myself]_194-kate . ”_[194-kate] Another flinch . It ’s a minor reaction in contrast to the horror scene that played out in [The Manor]_{190-the manor} that awful day , but it still pricks at [my]_0-i skin relentlessly . [Her]_194-kate jaw stiffens , [her]_194-kate eyes becoming fierce . It ’s familiar , if unwelcome right now . “ Tell [me]_0-i . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i match [her]_194-kate stoic expression and spill . “ [You]_194-kate had [yourself]_194-kate whipped , too . ”_[194-kate] [Her]_194-kate mouth falls open . “ [You]_194-kate let some scumbag shackle [you]_194-kate half - naked and [you]_194-kate let [him]_194-kate whip [you]_194-kate . Happy ? ”_[194-kate] “ Do [I]_194-kate fucking look happy ? ”_[194-kate] [she]_194-kate spits , throwing the trousers to the floor . “ Why the hell would [I]_194-kate do that ? ”_[194-kate] “ Because , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say , unable to rein [myself]_0-i in , the anger that ’s lay dormant within [me]_0-i all these years racing to the surface unstoppably . [I]_0-i get [my]_0-i threatening face close to [hers]_194-kate . [She]_194-kate does n’t budge an inch , squaring up to [me]_0-i in return . [My]_0-i defiant little temptress . [[My]_0-i angel]_194-kate . [[My]_0-i Ava]_194-kate . Here [she]_194-kate fucking is . “ Because [you]_194-kate wanted [me]_194-kate to understand how much [you]_194-kate loved [me]_194-kate . Because [you]_194-kate wanted [me]_194-kate to feel how [you]_194-kate felt when [you]_194-kate found [me]_194-kate being thrashed . ”_[194-kate] [My]_0-i nostrils flare as [she]_194-kate stares [me]_0-i down , [our]_747-our noses nearly touching , [my]_0-i body bent a little to make sure of it . “ And it fucking worked . ”_[194-kate] [Her]_194-kate jaw , so tight , is ticking wildly . [She]_194-kate ’s mad . Whether [she]_194-kate ’s mad because [she]_194-kate knows deep inside that [she]_194-kate really did do that , or if [she]_194-kate ’s mad because [she]_194-kate ca n’t remember , is n’t a question [I]_0-i ’m bothered about in this moment . Because beyond the anger , [I]_0-i see a familiar , potent craving . [I]_0-i see that mixture of fury and desire . The need to rip a strip off [me]_0-i and rip [my]_0-i clothes off . When [we]_747-our ’re angry with each other , the sex is even more passionate , crazy , and satisfying . It ’s all here before [me]_0-i now , yet [I]_0-i can not be the one to make the first move . [I]_0-i ca n’t push this . For the first time in [our]_747-our relationship , [I]_0-i ’m depending on [her]_194-kate to give [me]_0-i what [I]_0-i want , and , more importantly , what [I]_0-i need more than anything in [the world]_{2163-the world} . [Our]_747-our connection . [Our]_747-our chemistry . “ Kiss [me]_0-i , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i demand . “ Now . ”_[0-i] “ Fuck [you]_0-i . ”_[194-kate] “ Watch [your]_0-i fucking mouth ! ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i bark , a secret smile hiding behind [my]_0-i straight face . [She]_194-kate does n’t try to hide [hers]_194-kate . “ Screw [you]_0-i . ”_[194-kate] “ Three , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say lowly . “ Zero , [baby]_0-i . ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate lunges forward , smashing [her]_194-kate lips to [mine]_0-i , [her]_194-kate arms virtually strangling [me]_0-i as [she]_194-kate climbs up [my]_0-i body . [I]_0-i stagger back , fucking chaos breaking out in [my]_0-i leather trousers — heat , blood , and solid flesh raging down there . [She]_194-kate ’s unforgiving in [her]_194-kate demand for [my]_0-i mouth . Harsh stabs of [her]_194-kate tongue against [mine]_0-i , vicious tugs of [my]_0-i hair , deep , throaty groans of pleasure . [My]_0-i back hits the door frame , jolting [her]_194-kate in [my]_0-i arms , not that it distracts [her]_194-kate from [her]_194-kate mission . [I]_0-i can do nothing more than keep up with [her]_194-kate pace , silently demanding [her]_194-kate to start ridding [us]_749-our of clothes so [I]_0-i can lose [myself]_0-i in [her]_194-kate . Find the peace [I]_0-i need . Relish the joining of [our]_749-our bodies . [Her]_194-kate hot , wet tongue circles [my]_0-i mouth , [our]_749-our heads tilting and turning constantly , taking other angles , pulling back , smashing together once again . It ’s madness . Disorderly . Absolutely incredible . And then as quickly as it started , it stops . Like [she]_194-kate could have been hit with a thousand volts of electricity , [she]_194-kate catapults back , forcing [me]_0-i to release [her]_194-kate before [she]_194-kate dives clean out of [my]_0-i arms . “ Oh [my]_194-kate God , ”_[194-kate] [she]_194-kate sputters , brushing [herself]_194-kate down , hands faffing everywhere , eyes avoiding [mine]_0-i . That kiss has wiped [me]_0-i of breath . [I]_0-i ’m panting like [I]_0-i ’m exhausted . “ [I]_0-i do n’t know what came over [me]_0-i . ”_[0-i] “ Well it was n’t [me]_0-i , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i mutter to [myself]_0-i , forcing back the mental image of [me]_0-i doing exactly that . Coming all over [her]_194-kate . Kneeling over [her]_194-kate , [her]_194-kate arms pinned down , [my]_0-i hand thrusting [my]_0-i cock in [her]_194-kate face as [she]_194-kate watches . [My]_0-i cum coating [her]_194-kate lovely face . And [her]_194-kate tongue licking it all up . Fuck ! [I]_0-i physically rearrange [myself]_0-i , looking for room in [my]_0-i trousers to accommodate [my]_0-i raging hard - on . There ’s no room . Not in these damn things . “ Something got the better of [me]_194-kate . ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate looks up at [me]_0-i . And [I]_0-i can see immediately that [she]_194-kate gets it . Even if [she]_194-kate does n’t know [me]_0-i , [she]_194-kate gets it . The ridiculously strong attraction was the first stepping - stone to utter fucking perfection . And thank [God]_373-god [she]_194-kate ’s not misplaced that . “ Yes , [I]_194-kate got the better of [you]_194-kate , ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i say , peeling [my]_0-i back away from the door frame . [Ava]_238-ava darts surprised eyes at [me]_0-i . “ Now , are [you]_194-kate finished unraveling [your]_194-kate knickers , [lady]_194-kate ? ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i take [her]_194-kate hand , scoop the trousers from the floor , and lead [her]_194-kate out to [the garages]_{750-the garage} . Pressing the button on the remote , [I]_0-i hold back while the door rolls open . “ Bloody hell , [Jesse]_454-jesse ! ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate drops [my]_0-i hand and moves into [the garage]_{750-the garage} , motioning to the lines of [cars]_751-cars and superbikes . “ Are these all [yours]_194-kate ? ”_[194-kate] Making [my]_0-i way over to the cabinet , [I]_0-i pull [our]_752-our helmets down from one of the shelves . “ All [ours]_752-our . ”_[0-i] “ These must be worth hundreds of thousands . ”_[194-kate] “ Which is why [the garage]_{750-the garage} is alarmed and [the cars]_751-cars all have trackers . ”_[0-i] “ [Trackers]_{2449-trackers} ? ”_[194-kate] [Her]_194-kate head tilts , somewhere between interest and worry . “ Did [you]_194-kate have a tracker on [[my]_194-kate car]_{235-my car} ? ”_[194-kate] “ Of course . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i do n’t beat around the bush . “ A nice little app on [my]_0-i phone told [me]_0-i where [you]_194-kate were at all times . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i laugh when [she]_194-kate snorts , disgusted . “ Do n’t worry . [You]_194-kate had the app too . ”_[194-kate] “ [I]_194-kate did ? ”_[194-kate] “ Yes , [you]_194-kate worry about [me]_0-i as much as [I]_0-i worry about [you]_194-kate . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i hold up the helmets . “ What are those for ? ”_[0-i] “ [We]_2451-we ’re going swimming , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i quip drily , pointing to [her]_194-kate hands . “ And those are [your]_194-kate trunks . ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava glances down at the leather trousers in [her]_194-kate grasp , comprehension coming to [her]_194-kate . [She]_194-kate inhales quickly and swings toward [my]_0-i superbike , definitely thrilled by the prospect . “ [I]_0-i ’m going on that thing ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m laughing again . “ That ’s a little different from what [you]_194-kate said the first time [I]_0-i took [you]_194-kate for a ride . ”_[0-i] “ A ride ? ”_[194-kate] [Her]_194-kate eyebrow cocks with interest , extending [my]_0-i laughter . There ’s that suggestiveness in [her]_194-kate again . [I]_0-i approach [her]_194-kate slowly , a little ominously , and dip , bringing [our]_753-our faces close . “ [You]_194-kate love riding [the bike]_{2452-the bike} , but [you]_194-kate love riding [me]_0-i even more . ”_[0-i] Red creeps into [her]_194-kate cheeks . It ’s such a satisfying sight , again taking [me]_0-i back to the early days when [she]_194-kate was trying to hide how much [she]_194-kate was floored by [me]_0-i . [She]_194-kate tries to rectify [her]_194-kate fluster . “ [I]_194-kate would challenge that , if [I]_194-kate did n’t know it to be true . ”_[194-kate] “ Oh ? ”_[194-kate] Interesting . “ And how do [you]_194-kate know ? ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate immediately starts to shift on the spot , and [I]_0-i grin , glancing down at [her]_194-kate chest . Nipples like bullets . And [I]_0-i bet [her]_194-kate knickers are n’t too dry , either . All the signs thrill [me]_0-i . “ Get [your]_194-kate trousers on . ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate smiles , steps back , and does as [she]_194-kate ’s bid , and that ’s highly satisfying , too . All these natural instincts in [her]_194-kate . It ’s hope . “ Do [I]_194-kate ride on [my]_194-kate own ? ”_[194-kate] [she]_194-kate asks . [I]_0-i scoff . “ Never . Only ever with [me]_0-i . ”_[0-i] “ Why ? ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate ’s genuinely interested . “ [Bikes]_751-cars are [dangerous machines]_751-cars . ”_[194-kate] “ So are [cars]_751-cars , ”_[194-kate] [she]_194-kate counters quietly as [she]_194-kate pulls [her]_194-kate trousers up [her]_194-kate legs . [I]_0-i still and flick [her]_194-kate a glance . [I]_0-i ca n’t help but think that had [I]_0-i enforced [my]_0-i demand to have [her]_194-kate in [a Range Rover]_{2018-a range rover} , [we]_755-we would n’t be in this nightmare right now . Judging by the state of [her]_194-kate Mini , [I]_0-i ’m surprised [she]_194-kate ’s even alive . [My]_0-i veins instantly freeze on that thought . “ Are [you]_0-i okay ? ”_[0-i] “ Yeah . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i push on , demanding [my]_0-i mind to steer away from such sickening thoughts . [I]_0-i have [her]_194-kate . [She]_194-kate ’s here . Once [we]_755-we ’re both covered in leather , [I]_0-i place [her]_194-kate helmet over [her]_194-kate head gently , smiling a smidgen while [I]_0-i fasten [her]_194-kate chin strap . “ [I]_194-kate have déjà vu , ”_[194-kate] [she]_194-kate mumbles through [her]_194-kate squished cheeks . “ That ’s got to be a good thing , right ? ”_[194-kate] “ [I]_0-i ’m sure it is , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i assure [her]_194-kate , wriggling [her]_194-kate helmet as gently as [I]_0-i can to check it ’s secure . “ [You]_0-i look fucking hot . ”_[194-kate] “ [I]_194-kate know . ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate flexes [her]_194-kate head from side to side . “ And it ’s good to see [you]_0-i ’re wearing leathers , too . ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate freezes , as do [I]_0-i , [both of [us]_757-us]_{461-both of us} staring at each other . “ Why did [I]_194-kate say that ? ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate suddenly looks puzzled , and [my]_0-i hope dies , but only a little , because [the doctor]_{2188-the doctor} said [he]_{2188-the doctor} ’s pleased . All these little things here and there . There has to be a pinnacle moment that will bring it all rushing back . Something that will open the floodgates . [I]_0-i go ahead and try to explain . “ When [we]_757-us first met , [I]_0-i never wore leathers . ”_[0-i] [Her]_194-kate eyes drop to [my]_0-i stomach . [I]_0-i know what [she]_194-kate ’s thinking . [She]_194-kate ’s thinking about the scars on [my]_0-i abdomen . [She]_194-kate ’s thinking [I]_0-i must have sustained those injuries in an accident , and [I]_0-i do n’t put [her]_194-kate straight . “ [You]_194-kate were n’t happy about it , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i finish gently , sweeping [my]_0-i arm out toward [the bike]_{2452-the bike} in indication for [her]_194-kate to hop on board . [She]_194-kate heads for the bike without thought or question . “ [I]_194-kate ’m not surprised . [You]_194-kate ’re not — ”_[194-kate] “ Indestructible , [I]_194-kate know . ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate stops for a beat , slowly looking over [her]_194-kate shoulder and down to [my]_0-i stomach again . “ This is so weird . ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i laugh sarcastically . “ Just a bit . ”_[0-i] Joining [her]_194-kate , [I]_0-i throw [my]_0-i leg over the bike and settle in the seat . “ Put [your]_194-kate foot on … ”_[0-i] [My]_0-i instruction fades off when [I]_0-i feel [her]_194-kate front squished up behind [me]_0-i in the seat , [her]_194-kate arms circling [my]_0-i midriff . “ Okay , then . ”_[194-kate] “ [I]_194-kate feel like [I]_194-kate should be , but [I]_194-kate ’m not even scared , ”_[194-kate] [she]_194-kate declares , snuggling closer . “ Where are [we]_2454-we going ? ”_[194-kate] Looking down at [her]_194-kate hands linked over [my]_0-i stomach , feeling [her]_194-kate head resting on [my]_0-i back , [her]_194-kate body pushed tight to [mine]_0-i , brings [me]_0-i a little peace . Whether [she]_194-kate knows it or not , [she]_194-kate trusts [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i pull [my]_0-i helmet on and start up [my]_0-i Ducati 1299 Superleggera , giving it a few exhilarating revs . The roar is only amplified in [the enclosed garage]_{750-the garage} , and [Ava]_238-ava ’s hold of [me]_0-i constricts . Had [I]_0-i not spoken to [the doctor]_{2188-the doctor} , this definitely would n’t be happening . But [she]_194-kate ’s comfortable . So comfortable . Besides , like [I]_0-i would let anything happen to [her]_194-kate . [I]_0-i kick up the stand and roll [us]_762-us out of [the garage]_{750-the garage} , taking it steadily to [the main road]_{2153-the main road} . [I]_0-i ignore [her]_194-kate demand for [me]_0-i to speed up . This ride will be slow and careful . Not something [I]_0-i ’m really familiar with , but fast getting used to . Because [I]_0-i have to . Chapter 20 With [Ava]_238-ava nestled so snugly against [my]_0-i back , [I]_0-i may have gone the long way to [my]_0-i intended destination . [I]_0-i make no apologies for that . [She]_194-kate ’s lucky [I]_0-i ’m even letting [her]_194-kate off [the bike]_{2452-the bike} now . [She]_194-kate swings elegantly but a little gingerly off the back , like [she]_194-kate ’s done it a million times before , which [she]_194-kate has . Then [she]_194-kate unclips [her]_194-kate helmet and pulls it off , tentatively shaking out [her]_194-kate long dark waves . Sweet mother of all things holy . [My]_0-i cock lunges like a depraved animal trying to escape a cage . It ’s not a bad comparison . It ’s been way too long since [I]_0-i ’ve had sex . [My]_0-i balls are about to explode , and that moment back there in [the hallway]_{701-the hallway} when [she]_194-kate jumped on [me]_0-i has n’t helped [my]_0-i situation . Next , [she]_194-kate unzips [her]_194-kate jacket , revealing [her]_194-kate white casual T - shirt and a little cleavage . Not too much . Just a hint of the boobs [I]_0-i love so much . [I]_0-i should n’t look . It ’s only slowly torturing [me]_0-i . “ Hey . ”_[0-i] [My]_0-i visor flips up , courtesy of [Ava]_238-ava , and [she]_194-kate scowls at [me]_0-i playfully . “ Are [you]_238-ava staring at [my]_194-kate boobs ? ”_[194-kate] “ What ’s it got to do with [you]_238-ava ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i retort offhand , making [her]_194-kate hover between light laughter and gawking at [me]_0-i . “ Because [they]_2455-they ’re [mine]_0-i . ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i snort and get off [the bike]_{2452-the bike} . “ There are plenty of things for [me]_0-i to remind [you]_238-ava of , and this is one of the most important . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i point [my]_0-i finger at [her]_194-kate chest , then let it travel the entire length of [her]_194-kate body . “ All this is [mine]_0-i . ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate slaps [my]_0-i hand away . “ [You]_238-ava ’re a pigheaded arsehole . ”_[194-kate] “ Yeah , yeah , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i sigh tiredly . “ It ’s still all [mine]_0-i . ”_[0-i] Huffing and puffing a few times , [she]_194-kate flips [me]_0-i a scowl . For what point [I]_0-i do n’t know , maybe just to demonstrate [her]_194-kate exasperation . It would be refreshing if it was n’t boring these days . Yet this little back - and - forth thing [we]_767-we have going on is strangely wonderful . “ What are [we]_767-we doing here , anyway ? ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate looks across [the grassy planes of [Hyde Park]_{13-hyde park}]_{768-the grassy planes of hyde park} . “ [We]_767-we ’re going for a walk . Or a mooch , as [you]_238-ava like to put it . ”_[194-kate] “ [You]_238-ava mooch in [shops]_2456-shops . Not in [parks]_2457-parks . ”_[194-kate] “ [You]_238-ava do n’t like mooching in [shops]_2456-shops with [me]_0-i , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i tell [her]_194-kate . “ Why ? ”_[0-i] “ Because [I]_0-i trample all the dresses [you]_238-ava like , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i reply candidly as [I]_0-i take [her]_194-kate helmet from [her]_194-kate hand and put it with [mine]_769-mine on the seat . “ So [I]_0-i go shopping for [you]_238-ava . ”_[0-i] “ [You]_238-ava buy [my]_194-kate clothes ? ”_[194-kate] Horror is a blanket across [her]_194-kate lovely face . “ Control what [I]_194-kate wear ? ”_[194-kate] “ Pretty much , yes , and now is n’t the time to try and change that . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i offer [my]_0-i hand , and [she]_194-kate takes it automatically . “ [We]_2458-we ’re happy as [we]_2458-we are . ”_[194-kate] “ [You]_238-ava mean [you]_238-ava ’re happy . ”_[194-kate] “ Trust [me]_0-i , [Ava]_238-ava . [You]_238-ava are deliriously happy . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i march on [my]_0-i way , not too quickly so [she]_194-kate does n’t struggle to keep up . “ Just tell [me]_194-kate if [you]_238-ava need a rest . ”_[194-kate] “ [I]_0-i need a rest . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i move in front of [her]_194-kate and dip , taking the backs of [her]_194-kate thighs gently and hauling [her]_194-kate onto [my]_0-i back . [She]_194-kate yelps , but leaves [me]_0-i to [my]_0-i thing . “ Better ? ”_[194-kate] “ [You]_238-ava ’re going to carry [me]_0-i all the way around [the park]_{2459-the park} ? ”_[0-i] “ Yes , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i reply with utter finality , [my]_0-i pace picking up now that [I]_0-i have n’t got to worry about wearing [her]_194-kate out . [Her]_194-kate protests do n’t come . A question , however , does . “ How old are [you]_238-ava ? ”_[194-kate] [she]_194-kate asks , linking [her]_194-kate arms around [my]_0-i neck and resting [her]_194-kate chin on [my]_0-i shoulder . “ Twenty - four . ”_[194-kate] “ Just tell [me]_194-kate . ”_[194-kate] “ No . ”_[194-kate] “ Why ? ”_[194-kate] “ Because [I]_194-kate want [you]_238-ava to find out for [yourself]_238-ava . ”_[194-kate] “ And how am [I]_0-i going to do that ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i look out the corner of [my]_0-i eye , the edge of [my]_0-i lip lifting . “ [I]_194-kate ’m sure [you]_238-ava ’ll think of something . ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i see [her]_194-kate mind immediately whirling . [She]_194-kate ’s brainstorming . Good . Never in [my]_0-i life would [I]_0-i have imagined [myself]_0-i silently willing [her]_194-kate to handcuff [me]_0-i and leave [me]_0-i at [her]_194-kate mercy again . But now , [I]_0-i ’d do anything . And now , [I]_0-i would n’t get irate and lose the plot . [I]_0-i ’d smile [my]_0-i damn way through the fucking torture . “ Comfortable up there ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ask , glancing to [her]_194-kate face resting on [my]_0-i shoulder as [I]_0-i pace down [the path]_{770-the path} . Peeking at [me]_0-i , [she]_194-kate nods discreetly before lowering [her]_194-kate lips to [my]_0-i cheek and kissing [me]_0-i softly . “ Very . ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i close [my]_0-i eyes and savor [her]_194-kate affection , not knowing where it ’s come from , but unwilling to question it too deeply . Then [she]_194-kate resumes [her]_194-kate position , chin on [my]_0-i shoulder . “ [I]_194-kate could get very used to this . ”_[194-kate] “ [You]_194-kate already are , [baby]_194-kate . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i breathe in , then exhale slowly . “ [You]_194-kate already are . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i continue down the path , feeling positive and actually quite excited about the rest of [our]_771-our day . That was easy affection , and [I]_0-i want more of it . When [we]_771-our come to the exact spot [I]_0-i had planned , [I]_0-i gently lower [her]_194-kate to [her]_194-kate feet and point to [the grass]_{772-the grass} . “ Lie down . ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate laughs , caught between wariness and humor . “ Why ? ”_[194-kate] “ Because [I]_194-kate told [you]_194-kate to . ”_[194-kate] “ And [I]_194-kate always do what [you]_194-kate tell [me]_194-kate , do [I]_194-kate ? ”_[194-kate] “ [I]_0-i fucking wish , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i mutter , lowering to the grass and putting [myself]_0-i on [my]_0-i back . [I]_0-i spread [my]_0-i arms and legs , imitating [Ava]_238-ava ’s beat form the first time [I]_0-i took [her]_238-ava for a run and [she]_238-ava collapsed with exhaustion . “ Familiar ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ask . “ Should it be ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i pout , disappointed . “ Maybe [I]_238-ava should drag [you]_194-kate on a ten - mile run . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava splutters above [me]_0-i . “ Are [you]_194-kate serious ? [I]_238-ava ’d be dead . ”_[238-ava] “ [You]_194-kate practically were the first time , but [you]_194-kate soon got used to it . Now [you]_194-kate ’re like [Forrest Gump]_{98-forrest gump} . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava glances down [her]_238-ava body , taking in the good shape [she]_238-ava ’s in . “ Running clearly does nothing for [my]_238-ava boobs . ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i ’m up on [my]_0-i elbows like lightning . “ Oh no , [lady]_238-ava . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i laugh , though it ’s with dread rather than humor . “ Do n’t even think about it . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i shake [my]_0-i head furiously , daring [her]_238-ava to defy [me]_0-i . “ [They]_2460-they ’re not how [I]_238-ava remember them , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava muses , chin on [her]_238-ava chest as [she]_238-ava takes them in . Of all the things that are n’t how [she]_238-ava remembers , [she]_238-ava ’s worried about [her]_238-ava boobs ? “ [Your]_238-ava boobs are perfect . ”_[238-ava] “ What ’s crawled up [your]_238-ava arse ? ”_[238-ava] “ [You]_238-ava , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i snap , reaching for [her]_238-ava hand and tugging [her]_238-ava down to the grass . A quick , expert maneuver has [her]_238-ava beneath [me]_0-i in a flash . Trapped . And panting . [My]_0-i grin must be epic as [I]_0-i nestle [my]_0-i body between [her]_238-ava thighs and claim [her]_238-ava wrists , thrusting them up over [her]_238-ava head . “ [You]_238-ava look good under [me]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] “ [You]_238-ava look good over [me]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] Now [she]_238-ava ’s grinning , too , and if [I]_0-i was n’t already on the ground , the impact of [her]_238-ava voluntary affection would have knocked [me]_0-i on [my]_0-i arse . Something has shifted between [us]_773-us . Since that kiss last night , [I]_0-i feel like [we]_773-us ’re making progress , even if there are no monumental breakthroughs in [her]_238-ava memory . [She]_238-ava ’s receptive . [I]_0-i see [she]_238-ava ’s curious about so much , not just the last sixteen years , but [me]_0-i . [This man]_26-maddie . [This man who is [[her]_238-ava husband]_26-maddie]_26-maddie . [This man who loves [her]_238-ava with a fierceness that ’s debilitating for both of [us]_773-us]_26-maddie . [She]_238-ava smiles , scanning [my]_0-i face , reading [my]_0-i thoughts . “ Was that [your]_26-maddie chat - up line when [we]_773-us met ? ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava question brings on a crazy bout of laughter , [my]_0-i muscles forced to engage in order to hold [me]_0-i up and not squish [her]_238-ava under [me]_0-i . “ Not quite . ”_[238-ava] “ What was it , then ? ”_[238-ava] The true , almost excited curiosity in [her]_238-ava eyes is another sucker punch to [my]_0-i heart . [She]_238-ava thinks it ’ll be all romantic . Sweet and light . Make [her]_238-ava swoon and go all giddy . [I]_0-i made [her]_238-ava giddy all right . [I]_0-i remember it well . [Her]_238-ava shock . [Her]_238-ava disgust . But more the look in [her]_238-ava eyes that told [me]_0-i [she]_238-ava was wondering how loud [she]_238-ava really would scream . [I]_0-i cough [my]_0-i throat clear . “ [I]_0-i ’m not sure [you]_0-i ’re ready for that part . ”_[0-i] “ After everything [you]_0-i off - loaded already ? ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava snorts , and [I]_0-i growl . “ Give [me]_238-ava a break . ”_[238-ava] “ [I]_0-i ’ll give [you]_0-i something , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i whisper , flexing [my]_0-i groin into [hers]_238-ava without thought . “ [We]_775-we ’re in [the park]_{2459-the park} , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava whispers lustfully , with zero concern that [we]_775-we ’re actually in [the park]_{2459-the park} . [She]_238-ava ’s saying what [she]_238-ava thinks [she]_238-ava should say . “ Wherever , whenever , [baby]_194-kate . [You]_194-kate know that . ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i do n’t wait for [her]_238-ava to kiss [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i can see [she]_238-ava wants [me]_0-i to , and the moment is too perfect to waste . So [I]_0-i gently drop [my]_0-i lips to [hers]_238-ava and coax [her]_238-ava mouth open softly , swallowing down the low , appreciative noises [she]_238-ava makes . “ [I]_238-ava ’m learning fast . ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava lips pass over [mine]_0-i at the same steady pace , and [I]_0-i smile against [them]_777-them . This is perfect . “ [You]_238-ava like gentle [Jesse]_454-jesse ? ”_[0-i] “ [I]_238-ava love [gentle Jesse]_454-jesse . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava speaks between [our]_778-our kiss , totally indulging in [my]_0-i mouth . “ Now tell [me]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] “ Tell [you]_238-ava what ? ”_[0-i] [My]_0-i mind has blanked on [me]_0-i , and [I]_0-i growl , annoyed , when [she]_238-ava pulls away . “ [Your]_238-ava chat - up line when [we]_778-our met . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava sighs in exasperation . “ [I]_238-ava asked [you]_238-ava how loud [you]_238-ava ’d scream when [I]_238-ava fucked [you]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava starts laughing so hard , [her]_238-ava whole body shakes , and while [I]_0-i ’m a little stunned , [I]_0-i ’m also delighted . And seeing [her]_238-ava so amused is overwhelmingly rewarding . “ So how loud did [I]_238-ava scream ? ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava asks , chuckling between each word . “ [You]_238-ava nearly took off the roof of [Lusso]_88-lusso . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava ’s gone again , laughing like [some demented person , eyes bursting with water , body losing all control]_{779-some demented person , eyes bursting with water , body losing all control} . [I]_0-i could stay here all day and just admire it . Listen to [her]_238-ava . “ [I]_0-i ’m glad [you]_0-i find it funny , [lady]_238-ava . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i wait , quite content watching [her]_238-ava as [she]_238-ava finds it in [herself]_238-ava to calm down . [I]_0-i ’ve really tickled [her]_238-ava . Regaining control of [herself]_238-ava , [she]_238-ava sighs deeply , flexing [her]_238-ava hands a little for [me]_0-i to release [them]_780-them . As soon as [I]_0-i have , [her]_238-ava arms are around [my]_0-i neck . “ [I]_238-ava just … ”_[238-ava] A deep breath . “ [I]_0-i do n’t know . Everything [you]_0-i ’re telling [me]_0-i , how [you]_0-i are , how [I]_0-i am , how [we]_2462-our are , just sounds so crazy . Yet [my]_0-i heart is telling [me]_0-i it ’s real . It ’s normal . Nothing feels wrong at all , just so incredibly right . Even the mad stuff . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i smile softly and brush some hair back off [her]_238-ava face . “ It ’s [our]_2462-our normal , [baby]_238-ava . [I]_0-i ’ve always told [you]_238-ava that . ”_[0-i] “ [Our]_2462-our normal sounds pretty fucking perfect . ”_[0-i] “ Watch [your]_238-ava mouth . ”_[0-i] “ Okay . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava giggles and takes [my]_0-i lips once more , hungry for [them]_781-them since [she]_238-ava tasted [me]_0-i last night . [She]_238-ava ca n’t get enough of [me]_0-i , and [I]_0-i ’m not about to complain . [I]_0-i let [her]_238-ava at [me]_0-i for as long as [she]_238-ava wants , following [her]_238-ava soft , swirling tempo . “ [We]_2463-we ’re probably gathering [an audience]_{2464-an audience} . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava ’s breathless . Good . Let [me]_0-i take some more of that breath . “ Fuck ’em . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i take over the pace , every sound of pleasure that escapes [her]_238-ava stroking [my]_0-i skin and warming it . [I]_0-i would n’t be opposed to staying [here]_2274-here for the rest of the day . But [I]_0-i reluctantly acknowledge that [she]_238-ava needs to eat . “ [You]_238-ava must be hungry . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i pull back and trace the lines of [her]_238-ava cheekbones , smiling at [her]_238-ava swollen rosy lips . “ A little , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava admits on a sigh . “ [I]_238-ava ’m more thirsty . ”_[238-ava] “ [I]_0-i know just the place . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i press [my]_0-i fists into the ground on either side of [her]_238-ava and push [myself]_0-i up , helping [her]_238-ava to [her]_238-ava feet . Pointing across [the road]_{2159-the road} to [the coffeehouse]_{784-the coffeehouse} , [I]_0-i take [her]_238-ava hand and lead on . “ [You]_238-ava think [you]_238-ava can walk that far ? ”_[0-i] “ No . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava looks up at [me]_0-i , [her]_238-ava lips pressed together cheekily . “ [You]_238-ava might need to carry [me]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i say nothing and turn for [her]_238-ava to climb onto [my]_0-i back again . [We]_785-we ’re perhaps only thirty paces from [the café]_{786-the café} , an easy walk , even for [Ava]_238-ava , but [she]_238-ava wants [me]_0-i to carry [her]_238-ava and [I]_0-i ’m not about to refuse . [She]_238-ava ’s playing . [I]_0-i love it . With [her]_238-ava face nestled close to [mine]_0-i , [I]_0-i walk [us]_785-we across [the road]_{2159-the road} and set [her]_238-ava on [her]_238-ava feet outside . “ [[My]_0-i lady]_238-ava , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say , pulling the door open and sweeping [my]_0-i arm out in gesture for [her]_238-ava to lead on . [I]_0-i ’m grinning . [She]_238-ava ’s grinning . It ’s just one big grin - fest this afternoon . “ Why did n’t [you]_238-ava just woo [me]_238-ava this romantically when [we]_785-we met ? ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava asks , passing through the door . “ [You]_238-ava know , instead of asking highly inappropriate questions . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i raise a brow as [I]_0-i follow [her]_238-ava in . “ How could [I]_238-ava woo [you]_238-ava when [you]_238-ava refused to even have dinner with [me]_238-ava ? [I]_238-ava was [a desperate man]_{2465-a desperate man} . Besides , [I]_238-ava eventually won [your]_238-ava heart . Who cares how [I]_238-ava did it ? ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava laughs , bumping [my]_0-i shoulder as [I]_0-i flank [her]_238-ava . [I]_0-i do n’t budge , but [Ava]_238-ava wobbles a bit , forcing [me]_0-i to make a grab for [her]_238-ava before [she]_238-ava topples . “ [Ava]_238-ava ! ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i snap . “ For fuck ’s sake , be careful ! ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava startles , blinking rapidly at [me]_0-i in surprise as [I]_0-i hold [her]_238-ava by the tops of [her]_238-ava arms . “ No need to make a scene . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava glances around , as do [I]_0-i , seeing [a few people looking [our]_789-our way]_{788-a few people looking our way} . [I]_0-i could n’t give a flying fuck . “ Just be careful , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i mutter , taking [her]_238-ava hand and leading [her]_238-ava on toward the counter , stuffing [my]_0-i hand in [my]_0-i pocket to find [my]_0-i wallet . But [I]_0-i freeze , pulling [Ava]_238-ava to an abrupt halt , too , [my]_0-i feeling fingers lying still on the leather of [my]_0-i wallet as [I]_0-i stare at what ’s captured [my]_0-i abrupt attention . [Sarah]_26-maddie ’s eyes , clouded with surprise to match [mine]_0-i , flick between [me]_0-i and [Ava]_238-ava . [She]_238-ava was always a bit too fond of [Botox]_99-botox and [fillers]_790-fillers , and it seems that love affair has grown in [her]_238-ava absence . Growing old gracefully [she]_238-ava is not . [Her]_238-ava skin is too taut and [her]_238-ava lips blown up to ridiculous proportions . [She]_238-ava has a coffee in [her]_238-ava hand , just turning to leave the café . “ [Jesse]_454-jesse ? ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava ’s hand lands gently on [my]_0-i forearm , and [I]_0-i rip [my]_0-i stare from [Sarah]_26-maddie and look down at [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie . “ [You]_26-maddie okay ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i cough , [my]_0-i head in chaos . “ What do [you]_26-maddie want to drink ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ask , slipping [my]_0-i arm over [her]_238-ava shoulder and walking on , taking a wide berth around [Sarah]_26-maddie , hoping beyond all hope that [Ava]_238-ava does n’t notice [her]_238-ava . [Sarah]_26-maddie ’s body turns as [we]_791-we move , keeping [her]_238-ava facing [us]_791-we . [I]_0-i feel [my]_0-i lips form a straight , warning line , silently threatening [her]_238-ava to leave quietly and unnoticed . [Her]_238-ava eyes are questioning , even if [her]_238-ava face is poker straight . [We]_791-we just make it to the counter when [Ava]_238-ava turns away from [me]_0-i , directly toward [Sarah]_26-maddie . “ [I]_238-ava ’ll have a hot chocolate , please . [I]_238-ava just need a tissue . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava wanders off , literally rubbing shoulders with [Sarah]_26-maddie as [she]_238-ava passes . [[My]_0-i wife]_238-ava does n’t bat an eyelid at [the woman who nearly tore [us]_791-we apart]_238-ava . Or [one of [the women]_{793-the women}]_{792-one of the women} . [I]_0-i watch in dread as [Sarah]_26-maddie ’s gaze follows [her]_26-maddie path to the nearby pile of napkins . [She]_26-maddie looks confused . [John]_60-jacob has n’t told [her]_26-maddie about [Ava]_238-ava ’s accident ? And then as [Ava]_238-ava heads back , wiping [her]_26-maddie nose , [her]_26-maddie eyes fall straight onto [Sarah]_26-maddie . [She]_26-maddie frowns , eyeing [Sarah]_26-maddie as [she]_26-maddie stares . “ [That woman]_26-maddie is staring at [me]_238-ava , ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava says when [she]_26-maddie ’s returned to [me]_0-i , moving in closely to [my]_0-i side . “ Do [I]_26-maddie know [her]_26-maddie ? ”_[26-maddie] “ No , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i answer immediately , just as [Sarah]_26-maddie approaches . If looks could kill , [Sarah]_26-maddie would be dead on the spot . [I]_0-i just know [my]_0-i expression must be harboring all kinds of threats , but [she]_26-maddie heeds none . “ [Jesse]_454-jesse . [Ava]_238-ava . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie passes [her]_26-maddie eyes between [us]_794-us , and the atmosphere thickens in an instant . “ Lovely to see [you]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava looks up at [me]_0-i in question . [I]_0-i shake [my]_0-i head , returning to the counter and pulling [Ava]_238-ava with [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i throw [my]_0-i order at the server , beginning to shake with the strength it ’s taking not to fly off the deep end . What the fuck is [she]_26-maddie playing at ? [Jesus]_26-maddie , if [Ava]_238-ava were [herself]_26-maddie , [Sarah]_26-maddie would probably be swimming in every coffee [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie could find and throw at [her]_26-maddie . “ Who is [she]_26-maddie ? ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava asks . “ It ’s not important , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i all but snap , tossing a tenner on the counter and swiping up [our]_796-our drinks . “ Then why are [you]_238-ava all bristly and mad ? ”_[0-i] “ [I]_0-i ’m not . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i place [her]_238-ava hot chocolate in one hand and take [her]_238-ava other , pulling [her]_238-ava on , though [she]_238-ava puts up a fight , trying to wrench [herself]_238-ava from [my]_0-i grip . Damn [her]_238-ava ! “ [Jesse]_454-jesse , let go of [me]_0-i . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i do , but only because [I]_0-i do n’t want to hurt [her]_238-ava . Though [my]_0-i relinquished hold causes [her]_238-ava to stumble back again , and in the process of saving [her]_238-ava from tumbling to the floor , [I]_0-i send [our]_796-our drinks there instead . “ [Ava]_238-ava , damn it , be careful with [yourself]_238-ava ! ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i kick the cups aside and thank everything holy that [she]_238-ava has leather trousers on , protecting [her]_238-ava skin from the hot spray . “ Who is [she]_238-ava ? ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava demands , standing firm , [her]_238-ava eyes jumping from [me]_0-i to [Sarah]_26-maddie , completely ignoring the mess at [our]_796-our feet . “ [I]_100-jaw do n’t have a good feeling about [her]_26-maddie . Tell [me]_100-jaw . ”_[100-jaw] [Jaw]_100-jaw tight , [I]_0-i damn [her]_238-ava to hell and back in [my]_0-i head . “ [We]_796-our ’re leaving , ”_[100-jaw] [I]_0-i grate , thrusting [my]_0-i hand to the door . “ Now , [Ava]_238-ava , or so help [me]_238-ava [God]_373-god . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava snorts and turns toward [Sarah]_26-maddie . “ Who are [you]_26-maddie ? ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava asks . [Sarah]_26-maddie glances at [me]_0-i , absolutely perplexed , though once again [she]_238-ava completely disregards [my]_0-i threatening look . “ [My]_238-ava name ’s [Sarah]_26-maddie . ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava ’s body language changes in a nanosecond . [She]_238-ava ’s now bristling as much as [me]_0-i . “ [Sarah]_26-maddie ? ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava eyes cast to [mine]_0-i . “ [[Your]_26-maddie friend]_26-maddie , [Sarah]_26-maddie ? [[[Your]_26-maddie uncle]_26-maddie ’s girlfriend who ’s in love with [you]_26-maddie]_26-maddie ? ”_[238-ava] If [I]_0-i was n’t in such a pickle right now , [I]_0-i ’d appreciate the fact that [[my]_0-i wife]_238-ava clearly is n’t happy about this . [She]_238-ava looks fuming mad . “ [The woman who whipped [you]_26-maddie]_238-ava ? ”_[26-maddie] [Sarah]_26-maddie , wary , steps back , so obviously confused by what ’s transpiring . “ Just go , [Sarah]_26-maddie . Now , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i warn before it gets nasty , because [God]_373-god knows [[my]_0-i wife]_238-ava is perfectly capable . [Her]_238-ava spunk has only grown with [her]_238-ava age . It ’s had to , if only to handle [me]_0-i . [Shoulders]_{101-shoulders} falling in defeat , [Sarah]_26-maddie finally turns and leaves [the coffeehouse]_{784-the coffeehouse} , and [I]_0-i brace [myself]_0-i for the wrath of [[my]_0-i wife]_238-ava . “ [You]_238-ava said [she]_238-ava was n’t in [our]_2466-our lives anymore . Not even in [the country]_{2467-the country} . ”_[0-i] “ [She]_238-ava was n’t . ”_[238-ava] “ So are [you]_238-ava telling [me]_238-ava [I]_238-ava ’ve lost [my]_238-ava mind as well as [my]_238-ava memory ? That [I]_238-ava imagined that ? ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava hand shoots toward the door that ’s slowly closing behind [Sarah]_26-maddie ’s back . “ [She]_26-maddie showed up last week , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i confess . “ [I]_238-ava did n’t get a chance to tell [you]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava laughs , and it ’s full of sarcasm . “ It would n’t matter if [you]_238-ava did , would it ? Because [I]_238-ava would n’t fucking remember now , would [I]_238-ava ? ”_[238-ava] “ Watch [your]_238-ava damn mouth , [Ava]_238-ava . ”_[373-god] For [God]_373-god ’s sake , it ’s getting pottier . [A member of the café staff]_{798-a member of the café staff} appears with a bucket and mop , looking at [us]_799-us nervously . [I]_0-i step out of the puddle of coffee and claim [Ava]_238-ava . “ Get [your]_238-ava hands off [me]_238-ava , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava spits , shrugging [me]_0-i off and hobbling on . [I]_0-i sigh and follow . Now would be a good time for a Reminder Fuck . Just to remind [her]_238-ava of [her]_238-ava place . [I]_0-i keep a safe distance behind [her]_238-ava , not too far in case [she]_238-ava staggers or trips again , as [I]_0-i follow [her]_238-ava back across [the park]_{2459-the park} where [we]_799-us left [[my]_0-i bike]_{222-my bike} . [I]_0-i can see with each step [she]_238-ava ’s getting slower , and [her]_238-ava limp is more obvious . Though [my]_0-i stubborn little temptress wo n’t ask for help . Tough . [She]_238-ava ’s getting it . [I]_0-i pick up [my]_0-i pace and overtake [her]_238-ava , dipping in invitation , rather than manhandling [her]_238-ava into [my]_0-i hold in [my]_0-i usual fashion . [She]_238-ava climbs straight onto [my]_0-i back , no question . “ [I]_238-ava ’m only accepting because [my]_238-ava leg is hurting , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava mutters . “ [I]_0-i ’m still not talking to [you]_0-i . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i roll [my]_0-i eyes to [myself]_0-i . “ Fine . ”_[0-i] “ Why did n’t [you]_0-i bloody tell [me]_238-ava ? ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava yells in [my]_0-i ear , making [me]_0-i flinch and wince and close [my]_0-i eyes . “ It ’s bad enough that [I]_238-ava ca n’t remember a thing , and now [I]_238-ava have to worry about [someone]_293-someone trying to steal [[my]_238-ava husband]_{341-your husband} ? ”_[238-ava] “ [No one]_{210-no one} is going to steal [[your]_238-ava husband]_{341-your husband} , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say . [Stupid woman]_{802-stupid woman} . “ [Sarah]_26-maddie means nothing to [me]_{802-stupid woman} . Never has . ”_{[802-stupid woman]} “ [You]_{802-stupid woman} clearly mean something to [her]_{802-stupid woman} . What does [she]_{802-stupid woman} want ? Why is [she]_{802-stupid woman} here ? ”_[238-ava] “ [Ava]_238-ava , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i sigh , thoroughly done with this conversation . But through [my]_0-i thick skin , [I]_0-i get that [she]_{802-stupid woman} ’s feeling vulnerable . It ’s [my]_0-i job to reassure [her]_{802-stupid woman} . “ Unravel [your]_803-your knickers . ”_{[802-stupid woman]} [She]_{802-stupid woman} completely ignores [me]_0-i , ranting on . “ And are there any more witches ready to try and get [their]_2471-their claws into [you]_803-your ? ”_{[802-stupid woman]} “ [Ava]_238-ava , will [you]_803-your leave it ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m not growling , but [I]_0-i ’m pretty damn close . Keep [your]_803-your cool , [Jesse]_454-jesse . Keep [your]_803-your cool . “ No . How am [I]_803-your supposed to know who to fight off if [I]_803-your ca n’t remember [any of [them]_{2472-any of them}]_{2472-any of them} ? [You]_803-your need to tell [me]_803-your . ”_[803-your] Of all the things [I]_0-i want to remind [her]_{802-stupid woman} about , that is n’t one . Besides , it would take too fucking long . [I]_0-i have n’t the energy . “ [I]_0-i said , drop it . ”_[0-i] “ And [I]_0-i said no . What am [I]_0-i sup — ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i stop , lower [her]_{802-stupid woman} , and pull [her]_{802-stupid woman} around [my]_0-i body so [we]_804-we ’re front to front , grabbing [her]_{802-stupid woman} cheeks . [I]_0-i catch [her]_{802-stupid woman} gasp of shock in [my]_0-i mouth when [I]_0-i kiss [her]_{802-stupid woman} hard , shutting [her]_{802-stupid woman} the hell up . [I]_0-i ’m distracting [her]_{802-stupid woman} . Resorting to desperate tactics . It ’s something [I]_0-i wo n’t apologize for . Besides , it seems [she]_{802-stupid woman} rather likes kissing [me]_0-i . Thank God . [I]_0-i lift [her]_{802-stupid woman} from [her]_{802-stupid woman} feet and continue walking , never dropping [her]_{802-stupid woman} lips . All the way back to [[my]_0-i bike]_{222-my bike} . “ It was a lovely afternoon . Do n’t let anything spoil it . ”_[804-we] [We]_804-we have far more important things to deal with than [Sarah]_26-maddie or any ex . “ Please . ”_[804-we] [Her]_{802-stupid woman} face twists , [her]_{802-stupid woman} energy obviously wiped from the exertion of stressing , and [her]_{802-stupid woman} forehead falls to [my]_0-i chest . [I]_0-i cup the back of [her]_{802-stupid woman} head and massage into [her]_{802-stupid woman} hair , avoiding the site of [her]_{802-stupid woman} cut . “ [I]_{802-stupid woman} ’m tired , ”_{[802-stupid woman]} [she]_{802-stupid woman} moans . And [I]_0-i feel guilty . [I]_0-i ’ve pushed [her]_{802-stupid woman} too much . [I]_0-i take [her]_{802-stupid woman} helmet and gently push it onto [her]_{802-stupid woman} head , wondering if it would be unreasonable for [me]_0-i to demand [she]_{802-stupid woman} and [the kids]_{2010-the kids} wear helmets while driving in the future . After the accident , nothing [I]_0-i demand to ensure [their]_{2010-the kids} safety should be unreasonable , and [she]_{802-stupid woman} ’d better accept that . “ Come on . [You]_2473-you need to eat . ”_{[802-stupid woman]} [I]_0-i snap [her]_{802-stupid woman} visor down and plant a kiss on it before helping [her]_{802-stupid woman} onto [the bike]_{2452-the bike} . Chapter 21 [I]_0-i take [her]_{802-stupid woman} to a small bistro not far from [[our]_808-our health club]_{809-our health club} . [She]_{802-stupid woman} ’s obsessed with the eggs [Benedict]_102-benedict here , has been for years . So that ’s what [I]_0-i ordered [her]_{802-stupid woman} . But [she]_{802-stupid woman} ’s hardly touched a damn thing , picking and poking at the food on [her]_{802-stupid woman} plate . “ Eat , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i demand . “ [I]_{802-stupid woman} ’m really not hungry . ”_{[802-stupid woman]} [She]_{802-stupid woman} drops [her]_{802-stupid woman} fork and pushes [her]_{802-stupid woman} full plate away before falling back on the chair . [My]_0-i lips twist in displeasure . [I]_0-i ’ll force - feed [her]_{802-stupid woman} if [I]_0-i have to . [I]_0-i do n’t care where [we]_808-our are . “ Here . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i grab [her]_{802-stupid woman} fork and load it with some egg , holding it across the table to [her]_{802-stupid woman} . “ Eat . ”_{[802-stupid woman]} Eyes sulky , [her]_{802-stupid woman} jaw tight , [she]_{802-stupid woman} moves back some more . “ [I]_{802-stupid woman} ’m not hungry . ”_{[802-stupid woman]} “ And [I]_0-i ’m not in the mood for [your]_0-i defiance . ”_[0-i] [My]_0-i head cocks in warning . “ Eat . ”_[0-i] “ No . ”_{[802-stupid woman]} “ God damn it , [Ava]_238-ava , [you]_0-i need to keep up [your]_0-i energy . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i make a racket scraping [my]_0-i chair across the floor with [me]_0-i still sitting in it , so [I]_0-i ’m beside [her]_{802-stupid woman} , closer , ready to pry [her]_{802-stupid woman} tight lips open to get this food inside [her]_{802-stupid woman} . “ Why ? To deal with [your]_0-i unreasonable arse ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’d laugh if [I]_0-i was n’t so fucking livid . “ Do n’t make [me]_0-i ask [you]_0-i again . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i can feel [myself]_0-i starting to twitch in [my]_0-i seat . Today started so well , and now [she]_{802-stupid woman} ’s ruining it with something so silly as refusing to eat . Why ca n’t [she]_{802-stupid woman} just fucking behave ? “ What are [you]_0-i gon na do ? Give [me]_{802-stupid woman} the countdown ? ”_{[802-stupid woman]} [She]_{802-stupid woman} blinks a few times , and then frowns . “ Yes , [I]_0-i would , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i confirm , and [she]_{802-stupid woman} snorts indignantly . [I]_0-i drop [my]_0-i head , trying to cool the building irritation . [Jesus]_26-maddie , [I]_0-i ’m getting too old for this shit . [She]_{802-stupid woman} ’s being defiant for the sake of it , to prove a point . “ [Ava]_238-ava . ”_{[802-stupid woman]} [I]_0-i look at [her]_{802-stupid woman} , ready to off - load every detail of [her]_{802-stupid woman} punishment when [she]_{802-stupid woman} ’s well , but [my]_0-i intended threats all die on [my]_0-i tongue when [I]_0-i spot something over [the road]_{2159-the road} . [I]_0-i crane [my]_0-i neck , zooming in . [John]_60-jacob ’s sitting outside a café up [the street]_{236-the street} . [He]_812-his must be taking a break from [the club]_{2003-the club} . [I]_0-i toss a few twenties on the table and claim a bewildered [Ava]_238-ava from [her]_238-ava chair . “ This time , [you]_238-ava got off . It wo n’t happen again . ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i walk [us]_814-us toward [[my]_0-i bike]_{222-my bike} . “ Wait here for [me]_0-i . ”_[0-i] “ Why , where are [you]_238-ava going ? ”_[238-ava] “ There ’s [someone]_293-someone over there [I]_0-i need to have a quick word with . Stay put . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i pass [her]_238-ava helmet and jog off . “ Hey , [John]_60-jacob ! ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i call . [His]_812-his body goes rigid all of a sudden . Then [he]_812-his slowly looks over [his]_812-his shoulder , and [I]_0-i see worry on [his]_812-his face . “ Everything okay ? ”_[812-his] [I]_0-i ask when [I]_0-i make it to [him]_812-his , rounding the table until [I]_0-i ’m facing [him]_812-his . “ Yeah . What are [you]_812-his doing [here]_2274-here ? ”_[812-his] [He]_812-his ’s shifting in [his]_812-his chair , [his]_812-his huge body all nervous . Something is n’t right . “ [I]_812-his took [Ava]_238-ava for lunch over [the road]_{2159-the road} . ”_[812-his] “ So where is [she]_238-ava ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i take a seat , resting [my]_0-i elbows on the table . “ Waiting for [me]_812-his . [I]_812-his just saw [Sarah]_26-maddie . ”_[812-his] [He]_812-his slowly removes [his]_812-his shades , revealing dangerous eyes . “ Tell [me]_812-his [she]_238-ava did n’t seek [you]_26-maddie out . ”_[812-his] [His]_812-his nerves are gone , and now anger is apparent , [his]_812-his eyes blazing . It makes [me]_0-i smile on the inside , [his]_812-his loyalty and worry never faltering . “ [We]_2477-we bumped into [her]_238-ava in [a coffee shop]_{2478-a coffee shop} . ”_[812-his] “ [We]_2477-we ? ”_[0-i] “ Yes , [me]_0-i and [Ava]_238-ava . Of course , [[my]_0-i wife]_{64-my wife} did n’t recognize [her]_{64-my wife} until [Sarah]_26-maddie introduced [herself]_{64-my wife} . ”_[0-i] [My]_0-i mouth twists , as does [John]_60-jacob ’s . “ [You]_816-you did n’t tell [her]_{64-my wife} about [Ava]_238-ava ’s accident ? ”_[0-i] “ Not [my]_0-i news to tell . [You]_816-you know [that woman]_{64-my wife} . Give [her]_{64-my wife} an inch … ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i laugh under [my]_0-i breath . Sometimes [you]_816-you did n’t even have to give [her]_60-jacob an inch . [I]_0-i gave [her]_60-jacob nothing , and [she]_60-jacob took a mile . Hundreds of them , in fact . “ Well , [she]_60-jacob knows something is amiss , so expect to be questioned . ”_[60-jacob] [John]_60-jacob tosses [his]_817-his glasses on the table , annoyed . “ And what do [you]_816-you want [me]_60-jacob to tell [her]_60-jacob ? ”_[60-jacob] “ To stay away , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i reply . “ [I]_60-jacob do n’t care what else [you]_816-you tell [her]_60-jacob , but enforce that bit . ”_[60-jacob] [John]_60-jacob nods , and then looks past [my]_0-i shoulder , prompting [me]_0-i to look , too . [Ava]_238-ava is approaching , [her]_238-ava limp now worse . Guilt racks [me]_0-i . “ [You]_816-you ’d better go , ”_[60-jacob] [John]_60-jacob says . “ [Anyone]_305-anyone would think [you]_816-you ’re trying to get rid of [me]_60-jacob . ”_[60-jacob] [I]_0-i push [myself]_0-i up from the seat and turn toward [Ava]_238-ava when [she]_238-ava makes it to [us]_818-us . “ [I]_238-ava ’m sorry , [baby]_238-ava . [I]_238-ava ’m just coming . ”_[238-ava] “ How are [you]_238-ava doing , [girl]_238-ava ? ”_[60-jacob] [John]_60-jacob asks . [She]_238-ava does n’t answer , just moves closer to [my]_0-i side and looks up at [me]_0-i , searching for … [I]_0-i do n’t know . Then it occurs to [me]_0-i . Of course . “ This is [John]_60-jacob , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say , motioning to [his]_{2143-uncle carmichael} massive body in the small metal chair . “ [He]_{2143-uncle carmichael} ’s [[my]_0-i oldest friend]_{2143-uncle carmichael} . [He]_{2143-uncle carmichael} works at [the club]_{2003-the club} . ”_[0-i] “ Nice to meet [you]_{2143-uncle carmichael} . ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava words are quiet , tinged with an awkwardness that [John]_60-jacob does n’t miss , and [I]_0-i feel [her]_238-ava flinch beside [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i look down and search [her]_238-ava face . [She]_238-ava looks a bit spaced out . And tired . So tired . “ [I]_0-i need to get [Ava]_238-ava [home]_201-home . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i wrap an arm around [her]_238-ava shoulders and start leading [her]_238-ava away . “ Everything ticking over okay at [the club]_{2003-the club} ? ”_[0-i] “ S’all good . ”_[820-his] [He]_820-his slips [his]_820-his shades back on , and [I]_0-i realize [I]_0-i never did ask what [he]_820-his ’s doing sitting outside a café on [his]_820-his own . And with no drink ? [I]_0-i ’m about to ask when [a woman]_{821-a woman} comes breezing out of the café with a tray , heading straight toward [[my]_0-i friend]_{2060-my friend} . [John]_60-jacob shoots to [his]_820-his feet , pulling out the chair opposite [him]_820-his . “ Oh , thank [you]_{821-a woman} , ”_[60-jacob] [the woman gushes]_{821-a woman} , flashing [him]_820-his a bright smile as [she]_{821-a woman} takes [her]_{821-a woman} seat . “ [They]_2484-they did n’t have lemon cake , so [I]_{821-a woman} got [you]_{821-a woman} scones . ”_{[821-a woman]} [Her]_{821-a woman} hair is a vivid shade of pink and pinned up wildly , [her]_{821-a woman} skirt long and floaty , [her]_{821-a woman} chunky - knit cardigan oversized . [She]_{821-a woman} looks perhaps early sixties , [her]_{821-a woman} face bright and cheery . [I]_0-i now notice the café , too . It ’s quaint , the tables old , distressed wood , the chairs industrial . And a little tin plant pot sits in the center of the table with [heather]_103-heather bursting out of the top . How romantic . “ Thank [you]_{821-a woman} . ”_[60-jacob] [John]_60-jacob smiles , too , a big gold - toothed smile . What is this ? Is what [I]_0-i think is happening actually happening ? [I]_0-i take in the scene : [him]_820-his … and [a woman]_{821-a woman} . [I]_0-i have never , not ever , seen the big bloke with [a lady]_{821-a woman} . Ever . [I]_0-i can feel [the big kid]_{824-the big kid} in [me]_0-i rising to the surface , [my]_0-i need to tease [him]_{824-the big kid} strong . [He]_{824-the big kid} ’ll probably slug [me]_0-i one on the chin , but … “ [Jesse]_454-jesse ? ”_{[824-the big kid]} [Ava]_238-ava tugs on [my]_0-i arm . “ What ’s wrong ? ”_[238-ava] “ Nothing ’s wrong , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i tell [her]_238-ava , guiding [her]_238-ava back toward the table . “ But [I]_238-ava ’m probably going to be launched into orbit by [John]_60-jacob ’s fist . ”_[238-ava] [My]_0-i smile ’s so big it hurts . “ Why ? ”_[238-ava] “ Because [he]_{824-the big kid} ’s with [a woman]_51-joseph . ”_[238-ava] “ That ’s not [[his]_{824-the big kid} wife]_51-joseph ? ”_[238-ava] “ Oh no . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i laugh . “ [He]_{824-the big kid} ’s never had one of those . [No woman]_51-joseph , in fact . Hey , [big man]_{361-big man} , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say chirpily when [we]_825-his arrive by [their]_825-his table . [He]_825-his grunts , reaching for [his]_825-his wraparounds and pulling them from [his]_825-his face again , giving [me]_0-i clear sight of [his]_825-his eyes and indication of [his]_825-his mood : prickly . “ [You]_{361-big man} going to introduce [us]_825-his to [[your]_{361-big man} friend]_26-maddie ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i cast [my]_0-i friendly , way - over - the - top smile onto [[his]_825-his companion]_26-maddie . “ [I]_0-i ’m [Jesse]_454-jesse . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i extend [my]_0-i hand , and [she]_827-she ’s quick to stand and take it . “ Oh , [I]_827-she ’ve heard a lot about [you]_827-she . ”_[827-she] [She]_827-she shakes enthusiastically , [her]_827-she spare hand cupping [our]_828-our joined hands . “ [I]_827-she ’m [Elsie]_32-mum . ”_[827-she] “ What a pleasure , [Elsie]_32-mum . [Any friend of [John]_60-jacob ’s is [a friend of [mine]_0-i]_{2487-any friend of john ’s is a friend of mine}]_{2487-any friend of john ’s is a friend of mine} . This is [[my]_32-mum wife]_32-mum , [Ava]_238-ava . ”_[32-mum] Releasing [Elsie]_32-mum ’s hand , [I]_0-i pull [Ava]_238-ava in some more as [she]_32-mum smiles a small smile at [Elsie]_32-mum . “ Nice to meet [you]_32-mum . ”_[32-mum] The sympathetic look on [Elsie]_32-mum ’s face tells [me]_0-i [she]_32-mum knows [Ava]_238-ava ’s situation . “ And [you]_32-mum , [Ava]_238-ava . ”_[32-mum] “ So how did [you]_32-mum two meet ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ask , getting a glimpse of [John]_60-jacob ’s gold tooth on [his]_829-his snarl . [I]_0-i ’ve never seen [the big guy]_{2060-my friend} so hostile . And nervous . It ’s a novelty . “ Oh . ”_[32-mum] [Elsie]_32-mum giggles and takes [her]_32-mum seat , reaching across the table and patting [John]_60-jacob ’s hand . [The big man]_{2060-my friend} is shrinking in [his]_{2060-my friend} chair , and that just ramps up [my]_0-i curiosity . “ [I]_{2060-my friend} swore [I]_{2060-my friend} ’d never go on one of those dating website things , but [I]_{2060-my friend} ’m glad [[my]_{2060-my friend} friend]_{2060-my friend} talked [me]_{2060-my friend} into it , else [I]_{2060-my friend} would never have met [John]_60-jacob . ”_{[2060-my friend]} [I]_0-i swallow , nearly taking [my]_0-i tongue with it . “ A dating website ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i splutter . [John]_60-jacob refuses to look at [me]_0-i . “ [You]_60-jacob never said . ”_[60-jacob] Slowly , [his]_{2060-my friend} gaze lands on [me]_0-i with evil intentions . [He]_{2060-my friend} does n’t have to speak a word . [I]_0-i ’m copping it as soon as [Elsie]_32-mum is out of the way . [I]_0-i can see a million threats in [his]_{2060-my friend} narrowed eyes , all aimed at [me]_0-i . [Ava]_238-ava must sense [his]_{2060-my friend} animosity , because [she]_238-ava starts tugging [my]_0-i hand . “ Let ’s leave [them]_2488-them to it . ”_[238-ava] “ Thank [you]_60-jacob , [girl]_60-jacob , ”_[60-jacob] [John]_60-jacob rumbles , eyes still on [me]_0-i . [His]_{2060-my friend} are dangerous . [Mine]_0-i are dancing . “ [We]_2489-we ’ll join [you]_60-jacob for a coffee . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i pull out a chair for [Ava]_238-ava , having way too much fun watching [the impenetrable big man]_{831-the impenetrable big man} squirm in [his]_{831-the impenetrable big man} seat . “ [You]_60-jacob do n’t mind , do [you]_60-jacob , [Elsie]_32-mum ? ”_{[831-the impenetrable big man]} “ Of course not ! ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava moves [her]_238-ava patchwork purse off the table . “ How lovely to get to know some of [[John]_60-jacob ’s friends]_{2490-john ’s friends} . ”_[238-ava] The way [John]_60-jacob ’s looking at [me]_0-i , [I]_0-i can tell [he]_{831-the impenetrable big man} ’s planning [my]_0-i demise . It ’ll be slow and painful . And it does n’t put [me]_0-i off one little bit . [I]_0-i encourage [Ava]_238-ava down into the chair , but [she]_238-ava resists , somewhat reluctant . Maybe [Elsie]_32-mum senses it , too , because [she]_238-ava hops in and takes [Ava]_238-ava ’s hand . “ [I]_238-ava was saying to [John]_60-jacob , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava begins , smiling across the table at [him]_{831-the impenetrable big man} . “ [I]_238-ava own a well - being center . Meditation , yoga , that kind of thing . It might help [you]_60-jacob , [Ava]_238-ava . To relax the mind and find some inner calm during this difficult time . ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava friendly face softens even more on [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie . “ [I]_0-i hope [you]_60-jacob do n’t mind [me]_0-i saying so . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i nod thoughtfully to [myself]_0-i . [Elsie]_32-mum looks like the bohemian type — all mind , body , and soul . But the only relaxing [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie needs to do should involve [me]_0-i . “ That ’s — ”_[26-maddie] “ [You]_60-jacob really think so ? ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava interrupts . “ Because therapy is n’t doing a thing . ”_[238-ava] “ Why , yes ! ”_[32-mum] [Elsie]_32-mum looks excited by the prospect of helping [Ava]_238-ava . “ Meditation could be the perfect way to untangle all those thoughts and let the memories flow again . [You]_60-jacob should try it . ”_[32-mum] [Ava]_238-ava looks up at [me]_0-i , hopeful , maybe even as excited as [Elsie]_32-mum at the prospect . [We]_833-we have [yoga teachers at [the club]_{2003-the club}]_{834-yoga teachers at the club} . If [she]_32-mum really wants to try it , then [I]_0-i ’ll get [her]_32-mum on one of the classes . No sweat . “ [We]_833-we ’ll look into it , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i assure [her]_32-mum , returning [my]_0-i attention to [John]_60-jacob , keen to get some more squirming out of [him]_836-his . “ So , a dating website , huh ? ”_[836-his] Slowly , purposely slowly , [he]_836-his takes [his]_836-his shades to [his]_836-his face and covers [his]_836-his fuck - [you]_837-you glare . “ Have n’t [you]_837-you got somewhere to be ? ”_[836-his] “ Nope . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i raise [my]_0-i hand to signal [the waitress]_{838-the waitress} , looking to [Elsie]_32-mum . “ Which site did [you]_837-you find [him]_836-his on , [Elsie]_32-mum ? Date a [Moody Bastard]_{105-moody bastard} ? Free to [a Good Home]_{2491-a good home} ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i chuckle when [Ava]_238-ava smacks [my]_0-i arm , and [Elsie]_32-mum giggles , too . “ It was Twilight Love , actually . ”_[32-mum] Reaching across the table for [his]_836-his hand , [she]_32-mum squeezes it affectionately . “ [I]_32-mum knew the moment [I]_32-mum saw [his]_836-his profile picture that there was cotton wool under all that steel . And [I]_32-mum was right . ”_[32-mum] “ Awwww . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i place [my]_0-i hand over [my]_0-i heart and turn gooey eyes onto [John]_60-jacob . “ [You]_60-jacob big softy , [you]_60-jacob . ”_[836-his] [He]_836-his ’s going to lay [me]_0-i out soon . “ [We]_2492-we should go , ”_[836-his] [Ava]_238-ava says sternly , sensing the killer vibes emanating from [John]_60-jacob ’s big black body . [She]_32-mum gives [me]_0-i a warning look to [rival John]_60-jacob ’s . “ [I]_32-mum ’m tired , [Jesse]_454-jesse . ”_[32-mum] Just like that , [I]_0-i ’m snapped out of [my]_0-i teasing mood . What am [I]_0-i thinking ? [She]_32-mum ’s exhausted . Shit . “ [We]_2492-we ’ll leave [you]_454-jesse two to it , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say , scanning [Ava]_238-ava up and down . “ Good - bye , ”_[60-jacob] [John]_60-jacob grunts . “ It was lovely to meet [you]_454-jesse , [Elsie]_32-mum . ”_[60-jacob] [Ava]_238-ava pushes a smile through [her]_238-ava exhaustion . “ And thank [you]_454-jesse for [your]_454-jesse offer . [I]_238-ava ’ll think about it . ”_[238-ava] “ Of course . [John]_60-jacob will give [you]_454-jesse [my]_839-my number if [you]_454-jesse decide [you]_454-jesse ’d like to try it . ”_[839-my] As [we]_839-my wander over to [the bike]_{2452-the bike} , [Ava]_238-ava looks up at [me]_0-i , and [I]_0-i just know what ’s coming . “ [I]_0-i think [I]_0-i ’d like to try yoga . ”_[0-i] “ [We]_841-we ’ll talk about it when [you]_454-jesse ’re not so tired . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i brush off [her]_238-ava statement for now . [We]_841-we ’ve argued enough today . Chapter 22 When [we]_841-we get [home]_201-home , [Ava]_238-ava does n’t head [upstairs]_589-upstairs to take a nap . Instead , [she]_238-ava goes straight to [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} and starts pulling open doors and drawers . [I]_0-i stand at the door watching [her]_238-ava , unsure as to whether [I]_0-i should step in . [I]_0-i know exactly what [she]_238-ava ’s doing . Since [we]_841-we saw [Sarah]_26-maddie , [she]_238-ava ’s been visibly more stressed , swaying between worry and anger , and [I]_0-i can see [her]_238-ava mind racing . “ How am [I]_238-ava supposed to recognize [a woman who tried to steal [[my]_238-ava husband]_454-jesse if [I]_238-ava do n’t even know where [we]_841-we keep the fucking mugs]_{2493-a woman who tried to steal my husband if i do n’t even know where we keep the fucking mugs} ? ”_[238-ava] A door slams , and [she]_238-ava stills , though [her]_238-ava body is rolling , fired up by [her]_238-ava anger . “ The mugs are in the top left - hand cupboard , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say quietly . “ The plates in the bottom right - hand one . The knives and forks are in the drawer under the hob , and the breakfast cereals are in the pantry cupboard . In the morning , after [I]_0-i ’ve made love to [you]_26-maddie , [you]_26-maddie come down and put on the coffee machine . Then [you]_26-maddie take a shower and get ready while it brews . [You]_26-maddie put a load of washing on around eight , and [you]_26-maddie make [the kids]_{2010-the kids} ’ lunches . [You]_26-maddie rub moisturizer cream into [your]_26-maddie hands every time [you]_26-maddie get them wet , and [you]_26-maddie always put the dishwasher on before [you]_26-maddie leave to take [the kids]_{2010-the kids} to [school]_2011-school and go to work . After dinner , [you]_26-maddie let [me]_0-i tidy up . That ’s [my]_0-i job . To load the dishwasher while [you]_26-maddie help [the kids]_{2010-the kids} with [their]_{2010-the kids} homework . And when [we]_2497-we ’re done , [we]_2497-we snuggle on the couch and watch some TV before [you]_26-maddie load the coffee machine for the morning and get [the kids]_{2010-the kids} ’ cereals laid out ready for when [they]_{2010-the kids} ’re up . Then [I]_0-i carry [you]_26-maddie to bed and make love to [you]_26-maddie . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i pause for a beat , finding it so hard to say such simple things without letting [my]_0-i voice crack . “ [You]_26-maddie fall asleep on [my]_0-i chest . [I]_0-i know if something is on [your]_26-maddie mind because [you]_26-maddie ’re restless . Mostly , [you]_26-maddie do n’t move from [my]_0-i chest all night . And when [you]_26-maddie wake up , [you]_26-maddie roll off [me]_0-i and [I]_0-i spoon [you]_26-maddie , waiting for [you]_26-maddie to push [your]_26-maddie arse into [me]_0-i . Waiting for [you]_26-maddie to tell [me]_0-i [you]_26-maddie ’re ready to be woken up with some sleepy sex . And then [we]_2498-we start all over again . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i swallow and bite down on [my]_0-i back teeth , [my]_0-i devastation returning tenfold . All those simple things . Gone . [Ava]_238-ava slowly turns , and [I]_0-i see the river of tears pouring down [her]_238-ava distraught , beautiful face . “ [I]_238-ava want to do it all . All those things . [I]_238-ava want to do them all . [I]_238-ava want [my]_238-ava life back . With [you]_238-ava . With [the kids]_{2010-the kids} . ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava voice is becoming distressed , and [she]_238-ava takes the side of [the worktop]_{845-the worktop} to hold [herself]_238-ava up . [I]_0-i ’m across [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} and hugging [her]_238-ava to [me]_0-i before [I]_0-i have a chance to think , letting [her]_238-ava cry [her]_238-ava despair into [my]_0-i T - shirt . [My]_0-i own tears tumble into [her]_238-ava hair , [our]_847-our reality too much for [both of [us]_847-our]_{461-both of us} . All [I]_0-i can do is hold [her]_238-ava . Be there for [her]_238-ava . Love [her]_238-ava . And all [she]_238-ava can do is depend on [me]_0-i for … everything . “ Will [you]_2500-you do something for [me]_238-ava ? ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava whispers into the material of [my]_0-i T - shirt . Stupid question . “ Anything . ”_[238-ava] “ Will [you]_2500-you show [me]_0-i [our]_847-our wedding pictures again ? Will [you]_2500-you tell [me]_0-i who all [the people]_{2501-the people} are ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i stall answering , but only because [I]_0-i do n’t know if [I]_0-i could take [her]_238-ava breaking down some more . Seeing [her]_238-ava so hopeless and fraught is soul crushing . “ Sure , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i answer , knowing [I]_0-i ca n’t deny [her]_238-ava that . “ Want to do it now ? ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava fists the material of [my]_0-i T - shirt , breathing in as [she]_238-ava looks up at [me]_0-i . [Her]_238-ava eyes . [Her]_238-ava gorgeous dark brown eyes are welling , and [I]_0-i reach up to wipe under [them]_849-them . “ Please . ”_[0-i] “ Come on . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i lift [her]_238-ava from [her]_238-ava feet and gently help [her]_238-ava get [her]_238-ava legs around [my]_0-i waist . “ Comfy ? ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava answer is [her]_238-ava face in [my]_0-i neck and [her]_238-ava arms circling [my]_0-i shoulders tightly . Walking [us]_850-our to [the study]_{851-the study} , [I]_0-i place [her]_238-ava down on the couch and plump a cushion for [her]_238-ava , helping [her]_238-ava to get comfortable . [Her]_238-ava small smile of thanks should please [me]_0-i . It does n’t . It hurts , because [she]_238-ava should never have to thank [me]_0-i for being [[her]_238-ava husband]_26-maddie . [I]_0-i wander over to fetch the laptop and settle beside [her]_238-ava , whirling [my]_0-i fingertip across the mouse pad . The screen comes to life , and [I]_0-i click the file for [our]_850-our wedding shots . A massive smile immediately spreads wide across [my]_0-i face . “ Look how beautiful [you]_2502-you are . ”_[0-i] So much fucking lace , [I]_0-i did n’t know whether to worship [her]_238-ava or rip it all off . “ Do [you]_2502-you know how hard it was for [me]_0-i to keep [myself]_0-i under control that day ? ”_[0-i] “ Well , no , since [I]_238-ava ca n’t remember a stupid … wait , are those handcuffs around [our]_850-our wrists ? ”_[238-ava] Edging forward in [her]_238-ava seat , [she]_238-ava gets up close and personal with the screen . “ [They]_2503-they are . [They]_2503-they ’re bloody handcuffs ! ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i smile , smug . “ [[Your]_{424-elizabeth} mother]_{424-elizabeth} was n’t best pleased . ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava snorts , obviously imagining [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} ’s reaction . “ [I]_238-ava ca n’t believe [you]_{424-elizabeth} handcuffed [me]_238-ava on [our]_850-our wedding day . ”_[238-ava] “ Believe it . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i point to the screen . “ Hard evidence right there . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava ’s silent for a moment , observing as [she]_238-ava relaxes into [my]_0-i side , [her]_238-ava palm lying on [my]_0-i bicep . “ Just tell [me]_238-ava one thing . ”_[238-ava] “ What ? ”_[238-ava] “ Are [you]_{424-elizabeth} older than [[my]_238-ava mother]_{424-elizabeth} ? ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava looks up at [me]_0-i seriously . Is [she]_238-ava fucking kidding [me]_0-i ? If [I]_0-i did n’t have a computer on [my]_0-i lap and [her]_238-ava tucked into [my]_0-i side , [I]_0-i ’d drop to the carpet and smash out fifty press - ups . Older than [[her]_238-ava mother]_194-kate ? “ Do [I]_194-kate look older than [[your]_194-kate fucking mother]_194-kate ? ”_[194-kate] The nerve . [I]_0-i feel a stressed sweat coming on . How old does [she]_194-kate think [I]_0-i am ? “ Well , [Mum]_32-mum ’s early forties . [I]_194-kate ’m guessing [you]_194-kate ’re there or thereabouts . ”_[194-kate] It takes [me]_0-i a few seconds to process [her]_194-kate words , and then [I]_0-i realize … “Ava , [[your]_194-kate mother]_194-kate is sixty . ”_[0-i] Relief sends [me]_0-i dizzy . In [her]_194-kate head , [[her]_194-kate parents]_{2182-her parents} are the same age [they]_{2182-her parents} were in [her]_194-kate last memory , and [her]_194-kate last memory was when [she]_194-kate was in [her]_194-kate early twenties . “ [You]_194-kate ’re not in [your]_194-kate early twenties anymore , [baby]_194-kate . ”_[194-kate] “ Oh yeah , ”_[194-kate] [she]_194-kate whispers , looking down at [her]_194-kate stomach , remembering the stretch marks that tell [her]_194-kate [she]_194-kate ’s [a mother]_{2287-a mother} , then to the boobs [she]_194-kate ’s clearly not happy with . “ Look . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i gently nudge [her]_194-kate with [my]_0-i elbow before [she]_194-kate falls into despondency , pointing at the screen . “ [You]_194-kate know who that is . ”_[194-kate] “ [Kate]_194-kate . [She]_194-kate looks a bit miserable . ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava ’s right . [She]_194-kate looks like [she]_194-kate ’s licking piss off a stinging nettle . Then [I]_0-i notice [Dan]_106-dan and [Sam]_50-sam in the background . And [I]_0-i remember . “ [She]_194-kate and [Sam]_50-sam were n’t talking , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i tell [her]_194-kate . “ [Sam]_50-sam ? ”_[194-kate] [she]_194-kate questions , but then quickly holds up [her]_194-kate hand to halt [my]_0-i explanation . “ [[Kate]_194-kate ’s boyfriend]_{2086-kate ’s boyfriend} ! ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate sounds almost excited . “ [Kate]_194-kate told [me]_194-kate all about [him]_{2086-kate ’s boyfriend} in [the hospital]_{384-the hospital} . [I]_194-kate can not believe [she]_194-kate ’s pregnant ! ”_[194-kate] “ That ’s right . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i smile down at [her]_194-kate gleaming eyes and then continue to walk [her]_194-kate through [all the guests at [our]_857-our wedding]_{856-all the guests at our wedding} . It ’s a lot to absorb , but [she]_194-kate seems to take it in stride . “ And this is [Georgia]_58-georgia , ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i continue when [we]_857-our ’re past the wedding shots . “ [Raya]_54-raya ’s and [[Drew]_53-drew ’s daughter]_{2086-kate ’s boyfriend} ? ”_[0-i] “ [Drew]_53-drew ’s [[her]_{2086-kate ’s boyfriend} father]_{2507-her father} , yes . [He]_{2507-her father} ’s recently asked [Raya]_54-raya to marry [him]_{2507-her father} . But [[Georgia]_58-georgia ’s [mother]_{2086-kate ’s boyfriend}]_{2086-kate ’s boyfriend} ’s name is [Coral]_107-coral . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i pause a beat , maybe thinking the name might spike something . Nothing . [Her]_194-kate face is blank . “ [She]_194-kate tricked [Drew]_53-drew into getting [her]_194-kate pregnant because [she]_194-kate was in love with [me]_194-kate and tried to pass [the baby]_{2508-the baby} off as [mine]_194-kate . ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i quickly spit it all out and smile awkwardly when [Ava]_238-ava swings disbelieving eyes onto [me]_0-i . “ What ? ”_[194-kate] [she]_194-kate asks , incredulous . “ [We]_2509-we had some real interesting times , [you]_0-i and [me]_194-kate . ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate ’s silent , just staring at [me]_0-i with round eyes . “ How the hell did [our]_2509-we relationship survive all this ? ”_[194-kate] That gets [my]_0-i back right up , and [my]_0-i epic scowl must tell [her]_194-kate so . “ Because [we]_2509-we were made for each other , that ’s why . Because [I]_194-kate loved [you]_0-i and [you]_0-i loved [me]_194-kate . [We]_2509-we got through so much , and more , so [I]_194-kate know [we]_2509-we can get through this . ”_[194-kate] “ [You]_0-i were a slut . ”_[194-kate] “ Was . That changed the second [I]_194-kate clapped eyes on [you]_0-i . ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate sniffs , casually returning [her]_194-kate attention to the screen . “ Except the time [you]_0-i cheated on [me]_194-kate . ”_[194-kate] For the love of all things calm , [someone]_293-someone help [me]_0-i out ! [I]_0-i breathe in and out slowly , forcing back [my]_0-i barrage of blue language and the temptation to deliver one huge fuck . [I]_0-i ’m not sure which one would be most suitable for sarcasm . The Punishment Fuck , maybe ? The Sense ? [I]_0-i ’m pondering that with far too much energy for [a man in [my]_0-i situation]_{859-a man in my situation} , just punishing [myself]_0-i as a result . [I]_0-i need to pull this back to the important stuff . “ Let [me]_0-i tell [you]_0-i about the time [I]_0-i made an [Ava]_238-ava éclair out of [you]_0-i . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i settle a little , reliving that wonderful night . “ [I]_0-i slathered [you]_0-i in chocolate and cream and licked it off to [my]_0-i heart ’s content . [You]_0-i stripped for [me]_0-i . It was sexy as fuck but hilarious watching [you]_0-i trying to gain the upper hand . ”_[0-i] [She]_860-her looks up at [me]_0-i with a soft smile and a hint of sadness behind [her]_860-her eyes . [She]_860-her wants to remember so much , and [I]_0-i can see with perfect clarity that it ’s killing [her]_860-her that [she]_860-her ca n’t , just as much as it ’s killing [me]_0-i . “ [You]_0-i ’ve not heard the half of it , [Ava]_238-ava , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i tell [her]_860-her . “ The things [we]_2510-we ’ve done , the times [we]_2510-we ’ve had . So many amazing memories . ”_[0-i] “ [I]_860-her know . ”_[860-her] [Her]_860-her hand reaches for [my]_0-i face and cups [my]_0-i cheek , smoothing down [my]_0-i bristle . “ And even if [I]_860-her ca n’t remember them right now , [I]_860-her love hearing [you]_860-her tell [our]_2510-we story . ”_[860-her] [She]_860-her smiles . “ Most of it , anyway . ”_[860-her] [I]_0-i close [my]_0-i eyes and nuzzle a little into [her]_860-her palm , kissing the center . [I]_0-i do n’t want to get ahead of [myself]_0-i , but [I]_0-i feel like [she]_860-her ’s falling for [me]_0-i all over again . For the most part , being with [each other]_{2249-each other} today has been so easy and natural . Even the silly squabbles are [us]_862-us . [Her]_860-her reactions to [me]_0-i , in every way , are perfectly [Ava]_238-ava and perfectly [us]_862-us . [I]_0-i ask [myself]_0-i if [I]_0-i would be satisfied with only finding [her]_860-her love again . Would it be enough without [her]_860-her memories ? Of course , [I]_0-i ’d make it enough . But part of [our]_862-us connection is everything [we]_862-us ’ve shared since [we]_862-us met . The things that made [us]_862-us stronger . But it is n’t just about the things that brought [us]_862-us closer and made [us]_862-us stronger . It ’s not just about piecing all that together for [her]_860-her and for [me]_0-i . There ’s one thing that [she]_860-her just has to remember . Or two things . [Maddie]_26-maddie and [Jacob]_60-jacob . [I]_0-i ca n’t let those memories fade , no matter how many more [we]_862-us ’ll create . [She]_860-her has to have all of [their]_862-us years back . [She]_860-her just has to . [My]_0-i phone rings and [Ava]_238-ava reaches for it . [Jacob]_60-jacob ’s FaceTiming [me]_0-i , and as [Ava]_238-ava stares down at [his]_60-jacob gorgeous face on [my]_0-i screen , [I]_0-i do n’t have the faintest idea what to do . [I]_0-i do n’t want to upset [[my]_0-i boy]_{240-my boy} and [I]_0-i do n’t want to upset [Ava]_238-ava . [I]_0-i ’ve spoken to [the kids]_{2010-the kids} twice every day , but only when [Ava]_238-ava has been in the shower . “ How come [I]_860-her can see [his]_{240-my boy} face ? ”_[860-her] [she]_860-her asks , and [I]_0-i stall , confused for a moment . Then [I]_0-i remember that [[my]_0-i girl]_{245-my girl} is n’t just missing sixteen years of memories . [She]_{245-my girl} ’s missing sixteen years of technology advancement . “ It ’s FaceTime . Like a video call . ”_{[245-my girl]} “ Oh . ”_{[245-my girl]} [Her]_{245-my girl} bottom lip disappears between [her]_{245-my girl} teeth . “ [You]_{245-my girl} should answer , ”_[860-her] [she]_860-her says , handing [me]_0-i [my]_0-i ringing phone . “ [I]_0-i want to see [them]_2511-them . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m stunned . Happy but wary . “ Are [you]_{245-my girl} sure ? ”_[0-i] “ Yes . ”_[860-her] [She]_860-her thrusts the phone at [me]_0-i . “ Answer . ”_[860-her] “ [I]_0-i do n’t want to upset [them]_{261-my kids} , [Ava]_238-ava , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say , hating [myself]_0-i for it . If [I]_0-i protect [[my]_0-i kids]_{261-my kids} , [I]_0-i hurt [Ava]_238-ava . [I]_0-i ca n’t win this one . The phone rings off , and sad eyes glance up at [my]_0-i useless form . “ Please . ”_[860-her] [She]_860-her ’s begging , and it ’s like a knife through [my]_0-i heart . “ [I]_860-her need to see [them]_{261-my kids} . To speak to [them]_{261-my kids} . ”_[860-her] [She]_860-her swallows , shaking [her]_860-her head to [herself]_860-her . [I]_0-i know there ’s a part of [her]_860-her missing so much more than [her]_860-her memories and [me]_0-i . [She]_860-her ’s spent countless hours in [[their]_867-their bedrooms]_{868-their bedrooms} , just lying on [their]_867-their beds , hoping it ’ll spike something . Maybe [I]_0-i was wrong to send [them]_867-their away . “ It ’s an ache in here . ”_[0-i] Reaching up to [her]_860-her chest , [she]_860-her flattens [her]_860-her palm over [her]_860-her heart , and [her]_860-her wedding ring sparkles at [me]_0-i . “ Today has been wonderful , and it would finish it off perfectly if [I]_860-her could see [them]_867-their . ”_[860-her] [My]_0-i throat clogs with guilt , sadness , and too many other emotions to swallow down at once . How can [I]_0-i refuse [her]_860-her ? [I]_0-i take the phone from [her]_860-her hand and dial [Jacob]_60-jacob , forcing back any signs of apprehension . [I]_0-i sit back on the couch and encourage [Ava]_238-ava to come close as it rings and connects . And then [he]_60-jacob ’s there . [[My]_0-i boy]_{240-my boy} . [His]_{240-my boy} hair is damp and [he]_60-jacob ’s in a wetsuit . “ Hey , [buddy]_{240-my boy} . ”_{[240-my boy]} [His]_{240-my boy} face is halfway between excitement and uncertainty . “ [Mum]_32-mum ? ”_{[240-my boy]} “ Hey , ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava chirps , genuinely happy . [She]_238-ava can see [[her]_238-ava boy]_{240-my boy} ’s unease , and instinct is telling [her]_238-ava to right it . [My]_0-i fucking heart booms in [my]_0-i chest . There ’s a few bangs in the background , a door , [I]_0-i think , and [Jacob]_60-jacob is suddenly ambushed by [[his]_60-jacob sister]_{2209-his sister} . “ Is [Mum]_32-mum there ? ”_[26-maddie] [Maddie]_26-maddie asks , a little frantic as [she]_26-maddie appears on the screen with [Jacob]_60-jacob . “ [Mum]_32-mum ! ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie has no unease , just pure excitement . [Ava]_238-ava leans forward to get closer , touching the screen with [her]_26-maddie fingertip . “ How are [you]_26-maddie two ? Having fun with [Nan]_26-maddie and [Pap]_85-pap ? ”_[238-ava] “ [We]_26-maddie ’ve been surfing , ”_[26-maddie] [Maddie]_26-maddie tells [her]_26-maddie enthusiastically . “ Well , [me]_238-ava and [Jacob]_60-jacob did . [Pap]_85-pap stuck to [the boogie board]_{2512-the boogie board} . ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava laughs , and , [God]_373-god , [I]_0-i could cry . “ [Mum]_32-mum , did [you]_26-maddie get [your]_26-maddie memory back ? ”_[373-god] [Maddie]_26-maddie , bored of surf talk , asks the question [I]_0-i knew [she]_26-maddie would , while [Jacob]_60-jacob would only think it . [Ava]_238-ava smiles . “ [We]_2513-we ’ve made progress . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie looks up at [me]_0-i . “ Have n’t [we]_2513-we , [Dad]_1256-dad ? ”_[26-maddie] [Her]_26-maddie look suggests [I]_0-i should pull it together . [I]_0-i quickly brush at [my]_0-i eyes and clear [my]_0-i throat . “ Great progress , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i confirm . “ Tell [us]_2513-we what [you]_0-i ’re doing , ”_[60-jacob] [Jacob]_60-jacob pipes up . “ [[Your]_0-i dad]_1256-dad took [me]_238-ava out on [his]_1256-dad bike today , ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava begins . “ [We]_2513-we had a walk in [the park]_{2459-the park} , stopped at a café , and ate [my]_238-ava favorite for lunch . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava smiles , and [I]_0-i resist the urge to remind [her]_238-ava that [she]_238-ava did n’t actually eat [her]_238-ava favorite lunch . “ Now [we]_2513-we ’re looking at pictures from [our]_2513-we wedding . ”_[238-ava] “ And do [you]_26-maddie remember any of it ? ”_[26-maddie] [Maddie]_26-maddie ’s dark brown eyes , a mirror image of [[her]_238-ava mother]_{2287-a mother} ’s , glimmer with so much hope , [I]_0-i just ca n’t see it dashed . “ There have been some things , yes , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i jump in , putting [my]_0-i arm around [Ava]_238-ava ’s shoulders and squeezing [her]_{2287-a mother} closer . “ Like [[your]_26-maddie mum]_{2287-a mother} knows things , but [she]_{2287-a mother} ’s not quite sure how [she]_{2287-a mother} knows [them]_{2287-a mother} . ”_[0-i] “ Like what ? ”_[60-jacob] [Jacob]_60-jacob asks . “ Like [I]_238-ava knew how to ride on the back of [Dad]_1256-dad ’s bike . But [I]_238-ava do n’t ever remember riding a bike before today . How cool is that ? ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava claps [her]_238-ava hands excitedly . All [I]_0-i can see is sincerity in [her]_238-ava . Nothing but [a mother]_{2287-a mother} ’s desire to make sure [[her]_238-ava kids]_{872-her kids} are happy and reassured , no matter what . [Her]_238-ava way with [them]_{872-her kids} , even if [she]_238-ava has no idea , is [Ava]_238-ava through and through . It ’s inside [her]_238-ava , and it is n’t lost . “ Then [he]_1256-dad took [me]_238-ava on a romantic walk through [the park]_{2459-the park} to where [we]_2516-we had one of [our]_2516-we first dates . ”_[238-ava] [Both of [them]_{2242-both of them}]_{2242-both of them} look at each other on a roll of [their]_{2242-both of them} eyes and mimic throwing up with [their]_{2242-both of them} fingers in [their]_{2242-both of them} mouths . [I]_0-i laugh , as does [Ava]_238-ava . “ What else did [you]_238-ava remember ? ”_[60-jacob] [Jacob]_60-jacob presses on , done with the sloppy stuff . “ [I]_60-jacob remember some things [[your]_238-ava dad]_{240-my boy} has said to [me]_60-jacob in the past . But enough of that . How is everything there ? ”_[60-jacob] [Ava]_238-ava settles back on the couch and gets comfortable , chatting happily with [[our]_874-our kids]_{327-our kids} for a good ten minutes . And [I]_0-i remain where [I]_0-i am , content to watch [her]_238-ava . [I]_0-i could leave [the room]_{202-the room} and [she]_238-ava would n’t notice , and for the first time in [my]_0-i life , it does n’t hurt to know [she]_238-ava would n’t miss [me]_0-i if [I]_0-i were not [here]_2274-here . When [she]_238-ava ’s done , [she]_238-ava blows [them]_{327-our kids} both a kiss on a promise to call tomorrow , and sighs when [she]_238-ava ’s hung up , looking down at the phone on a mild smile . It ’s a good few minutes before [she]_238-ava snaps from [her]_238-ava daydream and seeks [me]_0-i out . “ [I]_0-i did n’t want to say good - bye , anyway , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i tease quietly . [She]_238-ava laughs lightly and settles [her]_238-ava head on [my]_0-i chest . “ [I]_238-ava ’m sorry . ”_[238-ava] “ Never apologize for loving [[our]_2518-our children]_{2030-our children} more than [me]_0-i . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i realize [my]_0-i error the second it ’s fallen from [my]_0-i big gob . Love [me]_0-i . Does [she]_238-ava ? Can [she]_238-ava ? Will [she]_238-ava ? “ [I]_238-ava love [you]_238-ava all the same , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava argues quietly , pulling [my]_0-i stare down to the back of [her]_238-ava head . There ’s unmistakable uncertainty in [her]_238-ava tone . “ [I]_238-ava do n’t expect [you]_238-ava to wake up from a coma with no recollection of [me]_238-ava and instantly be in love with [me]_238-ava , [Ava]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] Never has it hurt so bad to say something . Turning onto [her]_238-ava back slowly , [her]_238-ava head on [my]_0-i lap , [she]_238-ava looks up at [me]_0-i . “ [I]_238-ava love [[our]_2520-our children]_{2030-our children} , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava tells [me]_0-i , [her]_238-ava hand on [her]_238-ava heart . “ [I]_238-ava can feel it in here . ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i place [my]_0-i hand over [hers]_238-ava and squeeze , trying not to allow [myself]_0-i to be disappointed . [A mother]_{2287-a mother} ’s instinct is stronger than anything else in existence . It might hurt , but it also injects [me]_0-i with more fortitude . If the next few days are anything like today , [Sarah]_26-maddie aside , then [she]_26-maddie ’ll be head over heels with [me]_0-i in no time . [I]_0-i hope . [I]_0-i pray . There ’s no doubt the lust is there . [I]_0-i take comfort from the fact that this is how it started for [us]_879-us . That lust . That desire . The need to be all over each other . [I]_0-i see it in [her]_238-ava now — the restraint it ’s taking to hold back , the overwhelming urge to ravish [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i have to let [her]_238-ava go at [her]_238-ava own pace , and that pace has accelerated satisfyingly today . But [I]_0-i know [she]_238-ava ’s holding back , too , and [I]_0-i have a feeling deep inside [me]_0-i that it ’s because [she]_238-ava ’s scared . [She]_238-ava ’s scared of how [she]_238-ava feels for [me]_0-i without even really knowing [me]_0-i . Just like [she]_238-ava was scared all those years ago . [Ava]_238-ava tries to suppress a yawn , and makes a terrible job of it . “ Time for bed . ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i get to [my]_0-i feet and help [her]_238-ava up . “ [You]_238-ava must be exhausted . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava lets [me]_0-i lead [her]_238-ava by [her]_238-ava shoulders [upstairs]_589-upstairs . [I]_0-i smile privately , but feel a little guilt creep up on [me]_0-i . [She]_238-ava ’s overdoing things , and it ’s [my]_0-i fault . The usual flurry of nerves descends the closer [we]_881-we get to [[our]_881-we bedroom]_{593-our bedroom} . Today has been a huge step forward . Would it be too much to ask … ? “ Good night . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava turns at the door and takes the handle , biting [her]_238-ava lip as [she]_238-ava moves back . [I]_0-i die . Over and over inside , [I]_0-i die . “ Good night . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i turn quickly and make [my]_0-i way to [the spare room]_{202-the room} before [she]_238-ava can see the devastation on [my]_0-i face . Clearly it is too much to ask . Closing the door softly behind [me]_0-i , [I]_0-i strip down to nothing and crawl into the unfamiliar bed . It ’s cold and lonely . [I]_0-i toss and turn for hours , sleep nowhere to be found , not that it ’s much of a surprise . [I]_0-i ’m about to give up and go put [myself]_0-i on the couch when [I]_0-i hear a stirring on the landing . Worried , [I]_0-i make to get up and go check on [Ava]_238-ava , but the sound of the door handle stills [me]_0-i . Light creeps into [the room]_{202-the room} through the small gap , and the silhouette of a body [I]_0-i ’d recognize anywhere appears . [I]_0-i slowly ease down to [my]_0-i back . It ’s fucking ridiculous that [my]_0-i heart starts hammering . It ’s fucking ridiculous that [I]_0-i dare not move . It ’s fucking ridiculous that [I]_0-i ’m nervous . [She]_238-ava pads on light feet across [the room]_{202-the room} and gently pulls back the covers a little before crawling in beside [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i ’m like a fucking statue , letting [her]_238-ava lift [my]_0-i arm so [she]_238-ava can burrow into [my]_0-i side . [She]_238-ava settles , palm on [my]_0-i pec , cheek on [my]_0-i chest . It ’s one of the most beautiful moments of [my]_0-i life . So simple . But so significant . [She]_238-ava ca n’t sleep without [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i do n’t care that there ’s a barrier of lace between [us]_884-us . [I]_0-i do n’t care that [she]_238-ava ’s technically in the wrong position . And then [she]_238-ava sighs and [she]_238-ava ’s on the move again , crawling onto [my]_0-i chest and spreading [her]_238-ava body all over [me]_0-i , face in [my]_0-i neck . [I]_0-i smile , discreetly inhaling [her]_238-ava into [me]_0-i , bringing [my]_0-i arm around [her]_238-ava back and holding [her]_238-ava to [me]_0-i . Within minutes , [I]_0-i hear [her]_238-ava soft breathing , and only minutes after that , [my]_0-i own eyes become heavy . The fact that the bed is n’t [ours]_885-ours and is lumpy is inconsequential . [I]_0-i could be lying on a bed of nails and be content . Because [she]_238-ava ’s here . With [[her]_238-ava man]_{886-her man} . Chapter 23 [My]_0-i sleepy brain is telling [me]_0-i not to move , though [I]_0-i ’m not sure why . [I]_0-i ’m aware that [I]_0-i ’m curled around [Ava]_238-ava ’s body , [my]_0-i front to [her]_238-ava back , snug and tight . And [I]_0-i ’m aware that [I]_0-i slept the best [I]_0-i have in over a week . [I]_0-i ’m also aware of something growing between [my]_0-i groin and [her]_238-ava arse . That ’s why [I]_0-i should n’t move . But [Ava]_238-ava does n’t get the warning . [Her]_238-ava body starts to stretch , and [she]_238-ava groans . Oh , shit . [My]_0-i muscles lock , [my]_0-i body freezes , and [I]_0-i hold [my]_0-i breath as [she]_238-ava grinds [her]_238-ava arse into [me]_0-i , causing all kinds of chaos in [my]_0-i cock and [my]_0-i head . Good God , what kind of torture is this ? Then [she]_238-ava suddenly stills , [my]_0-i erection wedged between [her]_238-ava thighs , [my]_0-i teeth grinding as [I]_0-i fight [my]_0-i way through the torturous sensitivity . “ Oh … , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava breathes , shimmying a little , as if [I]_0-i ’m not in enough fucking pain . “ Do n’t move , [Ava]_238-ava , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i warn . [I]_0-i ’m so fucking hard , it could break off . “ Please . ”_[0-i] “ Sorry . ”_[238-ava] “ So [you]_2522-you should be . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i need to get out of this bed before the radar on [my]_0-i cock wins and finds its target . Half of [me]_0-i wants it to . Actually , the best part of [me]_0-i wants it to . [I]_0-i could fuck [her]_238-ava memory back . [I]_0-i mentally slap [myself]_0-i for [my]_0-i unreasonable thought . But , then again , [my]_0-i lack of reason is one of the things [Ava]_238-ava loves about [me]_0-i … right ? [Jesus]_26-maddie , [Jesse]_454-jesse , sort [your]_454-jesse shit out . Quiet falls , and [she]_238-ava waits patiently while [I]_0-i focus on talking down [my]_0-i wayward dick . Five minutes later , [I]_0-i ’m still iron . “ It ’s no good , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i finally admit . [My]_0-i cock has and always will have a mind of its own where [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie is concerned . “ It wo n’t go down . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i relax and squeeze [Ava]_238-ava closer , hoping that restricting [the rampant little fucker]_{888-the rampant little fucker} might help . “ It ’s okay , ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava says , surprising [me]_0-i a little . It is ? What , [my]_0-i dick hard , or [my]_0-i dick where it is ? Just a little nudge to the left and [I]_0-i ’ll be inside [her]_238-ava . Would that be okay ? Shit , change the subject quickly . “ Could n’t [you]_0-i sleep ? ”_[238-ava] “ No . Something was n’t … ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava fades off , stilling . “ Right . ”_[238-ava] “ This . [You]_0-i did n’t have this . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i squeeze [her]_238-ava tight , and [she]_238-ava nods , sighing and settling again . “ This is nice . ”_[238-ava] “ It would be better if [you]_0-i were naked , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say without thought , wondering just how much [I]_0-i want to physically hurt [myself]_0-i . “ Really ? ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava sounds truly surprised by that , and [I]_0-i frown at the back of [her]_238-ava head . “ Because [I]_0-i had a very good look at [my]_0-i body in the mirror last night , and , frankly , it is n’t pretty . ”_[0-i] [My]_0-i hard - on shrivels to nothing in a second as [I]_0-i stare incredulously at [her]_238-ava hair . “ Stretch marks , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava grumbles on . “ Saggy boobs , and what the hell happened to [my]_238-ava waistline ? ”_[238-ava] Is [she]_238-ava playing some kind of cruel game ? “ Take that back , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i all but growl in [her]_238-ava hair . [I]_0-i wo n’t have [her]_238-ava speaking such bullshit . “ Turn over . ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i bully [her]_238-ava body over until [she]_238-ava ’s facing [me]_0-i , a little alarmed . “ Let ’s get one thing straight , [lady]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i wave an accusing finger up and down [her]_238-ava reclined body . “ All this here is [mine]_0-i , and [I]_0-i love it . [Your]_238-ava boobs are perfect . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i allow [myself]_0-i a brief glimpse at the mounds beneath [her]_238-ava lace negligee , [my]_0-i mouth watering for a taste . “ [Your]_238-ava waistline is perfect , and the stretch marks [you]_238-ava speak of make [me]_238-ava smile every day . [They]_2523-them ’re part of [you]_238-ava , a part of [us]_2524-us . [I]_238-ava love [them]_2523-them , almost as much as [I]_238-ava love [your]_238-ava boobs , and [I]_238-ava love [your]_238-ava boobs a lot . A real lot . And , for the record , so do [you]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] “ [I]_238-ava do ? ”_[238-ava] “ Yes , [you]_238-ava do . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i nod sharply . [I]_0-i ’m immoral . [I]_0-i do n’t care . “ [You]_238-ava love [them]_2523-them because [I]_0-i love [them]_2523-them . So are [we]_2525-we done ? ”_[0-i] “ [I]_0-i guess so . ”_[0-i] [Her]_0-i eyes are wide , taken aback , though [I]_0-i sense some satisfaction somewhere inside [her]_0-i . [Her]_0-i gaze drops down to [my]_0-i stomach , [her]_0-i teeth sinking into [her]_0-i lip and biting down . “ What happened ? ”_[0-i] [she]_0-i asks , tracing a continuous line over [my]_0-i stomach , brushing over both scars . [I]_0-i close [my]_0-i eyes and follow [my]_0-i instinct , confirming what [she]_0-i thinks [she]_0-i knows . “ [I]_0-i had a motorcycle accident years ago . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i hate [myself]_0-i for not telling [her]_0-i everything , though [I]_0-i ’m quick to reassure [myself]_0-i that it ’s for the best . That shit could break [her]_0-i right now . [I]_0-i take [her]_0-i hand away from [my]_0-i stomach and move [her]_0-i fingers to [my]_0-i lips , kissing them sweetly . [I]_0-i have n’t lost [my]_0-i master ability to distract [[my]_0-i wife]_194-kate . [Her]_194-kate eyes sparkle and [she]_194-kate blinks rapidly . “ Turn over , ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i order gently . [She]_194-kate obeys without a second of hesitation , spinning over as [I]_0-i grab [my]_0-i phone and put [the Sonos]_{890-the sonos} on , letting the tracks shuffle . [She]_194-kate wriggles back into [my]_0-i body , and [my]_0-i cock springs to life again just like that . And quiet falls . And [I]_0-i think about the spark of fire that [I]_0-i saw in [her]_194-kate eyes before [she]_194-kate turned away from [me]_0-i . And like an omen or something , a song that has been with [us]_891-us through good times and bad drifts from the speakers . [Massive Attack]_{108-massive attack} ’s “ [Angel]_109-angel . ”_{[108-massive attack]} [I]_0-i stiffen , wondering if it ’ll jolt anything in [her]_194-kate . “ [Jesse]_454-jesse ? ”_[194-kate] [she]_194-kate says quietly , and [I]_0-i hum [my]_0-i acknowledgment , holding [my]_0-i breath in anticipation . But [she]_194-kate does n’t say anything . Instead , [she]_194-kate shuffles over again and stares [me]_0-i straight in the eyes . And [I]_0-i see [her]_194-kate . [[My]_0-i wife]_194-kate . The hunger for [me]_0-i that [she]_194-kate can never keep at bay . The urge to tackle [me]_0-i and ravage [me]_0-i . The visibly potent desire that [I]_0-i ’m faced with daily , from the moment [she]_194-kate wakes to the moment [she]_194-kate falls asleep in [my]_0-i arms . It ’s all staring back at [me]_0-i right now , and for the first time in [our]_892-our history together , [I]_0-i ’m reluctant to give [her]_194-kate what [she]_194-kate clearly wants . What [I]_0-i need . “ What ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i whisper , brushing a lock of stray hair from [her]_194-kate face as the music builds and takes over . Without a word , [she]_194-kate pushes [me]_0-i to [my]_0-i back and straddles [my]_0-i stomach . [I]_0-i swallow down some restraint when [her]_194-kate bare arse meets [my]_0-i skin , the heat of [her]_194-kate core against [my]_0-i flesh . [She]_194-kate takes the bottom of [her]_194-kate lace nightgown and pulls it up [her]_194-kate body . “ [Ava]_238-ava , what are [you]_238-ava doing ? ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i ask , despite desperately wanting [her]_194-kate to do it . [Her]_194-kate boobs spring free , heavy and swollen , and [I]_0-i swallow again . “ [I]_0-i do n’t know . ”_[0-i] [She]_194-kate tosses it aside and lowers [her]_194-kate torso to [mine]_0-i , taking [my]_0-i cheeks . “ But everything is telling [me]_194-kate to do it . ”_[194-kate] “ Are [you]_194-kate sure ? ”_[110-never] [Never]_110-never have those words come from [my]_0-i mouth . Not ever . And [my]_0-i cock is seriously throbbing in protest at [my]_0-i reluctance . [Her]_194-kate answer is a kiss . A gentle kiss on the corner of [my]_0-i mouth . It ’s light and chaste , but the most consuming imaginable . [My]_0-i hands move to [her]_194-kate back and skate across [her]_194-kate smooth skin , [my]_0-i eyes closing in bliss . Let [her]_194-kate be . Let [her]_194-kate take the lead and dictate [our]_893-our reunion . Relaxing into the mattress , [I]_0-i open [my]_0-i mouth when [she]_194-kate licks the seam of [my]_0-i lips , [her]_194-kate tongue soft and searching . Oh God , this is heaven . Holding back is [a killer]_{629-a killer} . Letting [her]_194-kate control the pace is a battle like no other . [Her]_194-kate bottom lifts from [my]_0-i stomach , and [my]_0-i cock springs up , skimming the heat between [her]_194-kate legs . [I]_0-i jump . [She]_194-kate jumps . [I]_0-i moan around [our]_893-our kiss , and [she]_194-kate swallows it on a sigh . [Her]_194-kate mouth seduces [mine]_0-i lazily as [she]_194-kate lowers a fraction onto [my]_0-i weeping , eager cock . And like [she]_194-kate was made just for [me]_0-i , which [she]_194-kate was , [she]_194-kate cushions [me]_0-i perfectly , gliding down [my]_0-i shaft with ease . “ Oh God , ”_[194-kate] [she]_194-kate breathes , and [I]_0-i smile around [her]_194-kate lips , thrown into bliss . The track , [our]_893-our track , continues to play , building to the crescendo . “ No , [baby]_194-kate . That ’s [me]_194-kate . ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate jerks and flies off [my]_0-i body , making [me]_0-i hiss from the sudden , unexpected withdrawal . “ Fuck ! ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i cup [myself]_0-i , gritting [my]_0-i teeth , and find [her]_194-kate sitting on the edge of the bed staring at the wall . What ’s happened ? Did n’t it feel right ? “ [Ava]_238-ava , what ’s wrong , [baby]_194-kate ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i quickly shuffle to the edge of the bed and wrap an arm around [her]_194-kate body , instantly getting a hint of [her]_194-kate shaking form . [She]_194-kate ’s trembling . “ [Ava]_238-ava , talk to [me]_194-kate , please . ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate shakes [her]_194-kate head , looking up at [me]_0-i with eyes that are disturbed . “ [I]_0-i had a flashback . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i try not to recoil . Is that good ? “ Of what ? ”_[0-i] “ [I]_194-kate do n’t know . ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate looks at the carpet , [her]_194-kate fingers twiddling in [her]_194-kate lap . “ It happened so quickly . Oh [my]_194-kate God , please turn this music off . ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate looks around [the room]_{202-the room} , as if searching for the stereo . “ [I]_194-kate ca n’t bear it . ”_[194-kate] [Her]_194-kate hands cover [her]_194-kate ears , and [my]_0-i damn heart splits . [I]_0-i quickly find [my]_0-i phone and shut it off . “ [Rowing boats]_{2527-rowing boats} , ”_[194-kate] [she]_194-kate mumbles , [her]_194-kate forehead heavy . “ That track . [Your]_194-kate words . [I]_194-kate saw [rowing boats]_{2527-rowing boats} . ”_[194-kate] “ [Rowing boats]_{2527-rowing boats} ? ”_[194-kate] “ Yes . ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate gets up and starts pacing [the room]_{202-the room} , naked as can be , though [she]_194-kate ’s too preoccupied to notice , or maybe give a toss . “ Why the hell would [I]_194-kate be seeing [rowing boats]_{2527-rowing boats} ? ”_[194-kate] It clicks , falls into place . [I]_0-i get up and take [her]_194-kate hand , leading [her]_194-kate to [[our]_896-our own bedroom]_{559-my penthouse at lusso} . “ This is why . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i open the bedside table drawer and pull something out , handing it to [her]_194-kate . [She]_194-kate glances down at the book . “ [Giuseppe Cavalli]_{111-giuseppe cavalli} , ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i tell [her]_194-kate . “ [You]_{111-giuseppe cavalli} had one of [his]_{111-giuseppe cavalli} pieces hung in [the master suite of [[my]_0-i penthouse at [Lusso]_88-lusso]_{559-my penthouse at lusso}]_{559-my penthouse at lusso} . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i sit next to [her]_194-kate and open the book to the page where the photograph is , eager for [her]_194-kate to see , hoping it ’ll spike more than a flashback . “ There . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i point to the picture . “ The original is hanging in [[our]_896-our dining room]_{559-my penthouse at lusso} . [He]_{111-giuseppe cavalli} was [the master of light]_{111-giuseppe cavalli} . [You]_{111-giuseppe cavalli} told [me]_0-i all about [him]_{111-giuseppe cavalli} when [you]_{111-giuseppe cavalli} gave [me]_0-i a guided tour of [[my]_0-i new apartment]_{559-my penthouse at lusso} . It was the first time [we]_896-our … well , made love . ”_[0-i] “ [We]_896-our did ? ”_[0-i] “ Yes . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i frown . Have n’t [I]_0-i told [her]_194-kate this already ? “ In [the bathroom at [Lusso]_88-lusso]_{2528-the bathroom at lusso} on launch night . [I]_0-i bought [you]_194-kate this book . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i flick to the back where the note still sits . “ With this . ”_[0-i] [Ava]_238-ava pulls out the piece of paper and reads it aloud . “ ‘ [You]_194-kate ’re like a book [I]_238-ava ca n’t put down . [I]_238-ava need to know more . ’ ”_[238-ava] “ Do [you]_194-kate remember , [baby]_194-kate ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ask , watching [her]_194-kate scan the words , hoping and praying [she]_194-kate finds something to match the flashback . [Her]_194-kate eyes clench shut , as if [she]_194-kate ’s desperately searching for any recollection . And [I]_0-i know [she]_194-kate is . But when [she]_194-kate sags and a tear falls , splashing the paper in [her]_194-kate hand , [I]_0-i know [she]_194-kate has n’t . “ It was so vivid . ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate looks at [me]_0-i . “ So real . [I]_194-kate felt someone there with [me]_194-kate , looking at [the boats]_{2529-the boats} . It was [you]_194-kate . [I]_194-kate could n’t see [you]_194-kate , but [I]_194-kate felt [you]_194-kate . Like [I]_194-kate ’m feeling [you]_194-kate since [I]_194-kate woke up after the accident . [I]_194-kate feel [you]_194-kate all the time , even when [we]_2530-we ’re not touching . Even when [you]_194-kate ’re not in [the room]_{202-the room} . ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i smile sadly and pull [her]_194-kate onto [my]_0-i lap . “ Time , [baby]_194-kate . Give it time . ”_[0-i] While [I]_0-i ’m reassuring [her]_194-kate , [I]_0-i ’m working hard to reassure [myself]_0-i . That flashback must have been fucking powerful to launch [her]_194-kate off [my]_0-i body like that . Nothing can ever distract [her]_194-kate from [me]_0-i , especially when [I]_0-i ’m inside [her]_194-kate . Facing the fact that there ’s a force more powerful than [me]_0-i in [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie ’s life right now is the hardest thing [I]_0-i ’ve ever had to contend with . Because , of all the things in [this world]_{198-this world} that can make [her]_194-kate better , [I]_0-i just know [I]_0-i am [her]_194-kate strongest chance . Chapter 24 Three . ” [I]_194-kate ’m stalking [my]_194-kate prey , closing in , watching as [she]_194-kate backs away from [me]_194-kate with a teasing smile on [her]_194-kate face . “_[194-kate] Two , ” [I]_194-kate growl , picking up speed , laughing on the inside when [she]_194-kate turns on a squeal and pelts off up [the stairs]_{244-the stairs} . “_[194-kate] One , ” [I]_194-kate shout , taking [them]_{244-the stairs} three at a time and bursting into [[our]_2534-our bedroom]_{593-our bedroom} . [She]_194-kate ’s standing on the far side , a can of squirty cream in one hand , a jar of chocolate spread in the other . And [she]_194-kate ’s gloriously naked , except for the seductive smile [she]_194-kate ’s wearing . “_[194-kate] Do [your]_900-your worst , [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} . ” “_[194-kate] Zero , [baby]_194-kate . ” [I]_454-jesse startle and jerk awake , frantically scanning [my]_454-jesse surroundings . “_[454-jesse] [Jesse]_454-jesse ? ” [Ava]_238-ava comes into [my]_0-i vision , standing at the end of the bed in [her]_238-ava dressing gown . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i must have dozed off again . ” [I]_0-i scrub at [my]_0-i face with [my]_0-i palms , wondering how [I]_0-i could be so tired after such a good night ’s sleep . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i just spoke to [Kate]_194-kate . [She]_194-kate wants [us]_902-us to meet [them]_902-us for dinner tomorrow night . ” [I]_194-kate can think of nothing worse than putting [myself]_194-kate in front of [people]_2279-people and trying to smile . [I]_194-kate just want to hide away in [[our]_902-us little manor]_{218-our little manor} until things are back to normal . [I]_194-kate ’m on the cusp of suggesting [we]_902-us do exactly that , but [Ava]_238-ava speaks first . “_[194-kate] [I]_0-i ’m looking forward to seeing [her]_194-kate . ” Of course [she]_194-kate is . [[Ava]_238-ava ’s best friend]_{52-her friend} is one of [the only people [she]_194-kate recognizes]_{2539-the only people she recognizes} . And that fucking stings like [a fuck - off - big Portuguese man - of - war]_{2540-a fuck - off - big portuguese man - of - war} . “_[194-kate] Great . ” [I]_0-i smile through [my]_0-i false enthusiasm . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m going to take a shower . ” [She]_194-kate edges toward [the bathroom]_{294-the bathroom} , pointing to [my]_0-i phone on the bed . “_[0-i] [The kids]_{2010-the kids} rang while [you]_904-you were asleep . ” “_{[2010-the kids]} Did [you]_904-you answer ? ” The thought of [her]_238-ava staring blankly at [my]_0-i phone while it rang , [their]_{2010-the kids} faces on [my]_0-i screen , is unbearable . “_[0-i] Of course [I]_0-i answered . ” [She]_238-ava seems almost offended . “_[0-i] [They]_{2010-the kids} ’ve been fishing today . [Dad]_1256-dad caught a ten - pound bream . [Jacob]_60-jacob sent the pictures through . ” [I]_60-jacob reach for [my]_60-jacob phone , keen to see [their]_{2010-the kids} faces . And [I]_60-jacob bark out a shot of laughter when [Jacob]_60-jacob appears on [my]_60-jacob screen , a huge fish hanging from [his]_60-jacob hand , an even bigger grin on [his]_60-jacob face . And then there ’s [Maddie]_26-maddie , eyes wide , looking at the bream like it could be a great white . “_[60-jacob] Look at [them]_{2010-the kids} . ” [My]_60-jacob heart swells as [I]_60-jacob turn to [Ava]_238-ava , [her]_238-ava smile as bright as [mine]_60-jacob . “_[60-jacob] [Jacob]_60-jacob looks so much like [you]_905-you in that picture . ” [Ava]_238-ava ’s comment has [me]_60-jacob focusing on [[my]_60-jacob boy]_{240-my boy} once again . [She]_238-ava ’s right . [He]_{240-my boy} does , more so than usual . “_[60-jacob] Handsome , ” [she]_238-ava adds . [I]_26-maddie shoot [her]_238-ava a look , and [she]_238-ava shrugs , a little shyly . “_[26-maddie] And [Maddie]_26-maddie looks just like [you]_905-you . Beautiful . ” [Her]_238-ava lips twist a little . If [she]_238-ava dares challenge that . “_[26-maddie] It ’s quite scary , do n’t [you]_905-you think ? ” “_[905-you] What ? How similar [they]_{906-lucky fucking kids} are to [us]_907-us ? ” “_{[906-lucky fucking kids]} Yes . ” [She]_238-ava wanders over and looks down at the screen with [me]_{906-lucky fucking kids} . “_{[906-lucky fucking kids]} Not scary , ” [I]_{906-lucky fucking kids} counter , looking up at [her]_238-ava with a wide smile . “_{[906-lucky fucking kids]} [They]_{906-lucky fucking kids} ’re [lucky fucking kids]_{906-lucky fucking kids} . ” [She]_238-ava laughs , a genuine bent - over , stomach - clenching laugh . It ’s a sight to behold , and it has [me]_{906-lucky fucking kids} grinning from ear to ear . “_{[906-lucky fucking kids]} [You]_905-you ’re so pigheaded . ” “_[905-you] So [I]_0-i ’m told . Now get that gorgeous arse in the shower . [I]_0-i ’ll take [you]_905-you somewhere special after [your]_905-you therapy session . ” “_[0-i] Actually , [I]_0-i was thinking of calling [Elsie]_32-mum about [her]_32-mum offer . [Yoga]_112-yoga might be the kind of thing [I]_0-i need . All this therapy is useless . [I]_0-i hate it . It just makes [me]_0-i feel crap and hopeless . ” [I]_112-yoga get [her]_32-mum point , completely . [I]_112-yoga hate seeing [her]_32-mum looking so disheartened each time [she]_32-mum ’s left a session . But … “We_[112-yoga] have yoga classes at [the health club]_{188-the health club} , ” [I]_112-yoga remind [her]_32-mum . “_[112-yoga] If [you]_905-you want to do it , [I]_0-i ’ll get [you]_905-you on the classes . ” That way [she]_32-mum ’ll still be close by . “_[0-i] Yoga in [a studio]_{909-a studio} with [thirty other people]_{910-thirty other people} ? ” [She]_32-mum wrinkles [her]_32-mum nose at [me]_0-i . “_[0-i] It ’s not really the relaxation [I]_0-i had in mind . [Elsie]_32-mum ’s classes sound far more therapeutic . [One - on - one]_{911-one - on - one} . What do [you]_905-you think ? ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i think yoga is yoga . ” [She]_32-mum gives [me]_0-i a roll of [her]_32-mum eyes and heads for [the bathroom]_{294-the bathroom} . “_[0-i] But [Elsie]_32-mum has this spiritual thing going on . ” [I]_32-mum grimace as [I]_32-mum get up and follow [her]_32-mum . “_[32-mum] [You]_905-you ’re not going to go all hippie on [me]_0-i , are [you]_905-you ? ” [I]_905-you grin when [she]_32-mum tuts dramatically . “_[905-you] Though if [you]_905-you want to stop wearing bras during the day , [I]_0-i ’m down with that . ” Seizing [her]_32-mum from in front of the mirror , [I]_0-i whirl [her]_32-mum around , [her]_32-mum gasp of lusty surprise like music to [my]_0-i ears . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m being serious . ” [She]_32-mum tries to force [me]_0-i away , and [my]_0-i disposition is quickly slighted as a result . “_[0-i] So am [I.]_0-i ” [I]_0-i tug [her]_32-mum back . “_[0-i] If [you]_905-you want to do yoga , [we]_912-we have [a perfectly good health club for [you]_905-you]_{2003-the club} to do it at . It makes sense for [you]_905-you to be at [the club]_{2003-the club} . ” Perfect fucking sense . “_[0-i] So [you]_905-you can keep an eye on [me]_0-i . ” “_[0-i] Exactly . ” [Her]_32-mum eyes narrow , pissed off . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i assume [I]_0-i had a life beyond [you]_905-you before the accident , ” [she]_32-mum says , pointing a pout [my]_0-i way . “_[0-i] Or did [you]_905-you keep [me]_0-i nailed to [your]_905-you side permanently ? ” [I]_0-i scoff . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i wish . ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m going to yoga at [[Elsie]_32-mum ’s well - being center]_{914-elsie ’s well - being center} , and [you]_905-you ca n’t stop [me]_0-i . ” [She]_32-mum want to place bets on that ? What ’s wrong with [[our]_2544-our club]_{2545-our club} , if [she]_32-mum wants to practice yoga ? And what if [her]_32-mum memories come flooding back while [I]_0-i ’m not with [her]_32-mum ? [Lord]_2546-lord knows , if [she]_32-mum suddenly remembers everything , it could certainly bring on a panic attack . [I]_0-i ’m about to reaffirm [my]_0-i refusal to let [her]_32-mum go , but [I]_0-i pull back , reminding [myself]_0-i that [my]_0-i life is practically hanging in the balance . [I]_0-i ca n’t make [her]_32-mum remember if [she]_32-mum ’s not talking to [me]_0-i , and that ’s what ’s going to happen if [I]_0-i deny [her]_32-mum this . Softly - softly . Patience . “_[0-i] Fine . ” [I]_0-i spit the word out with force . “_[0-i] But [I]_0-i ’m taking [you]_0-i and picking [you]_0-i up . ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’d like to drive [myself]_0-i . ” [I]_0-i laugh , loud and sharp . [She]_32-mum ’s testing [me]_0-i now . “_[0-i] Do n’t push [me]_0-i , [Ava]_238-ava . [I]_0-i ’ve agreed to yoga . That ’s as much as [you]_0-i ’re getting . ” [I]_0-i push [myself]_0-i into [her]_238-ava front and squeeze [her]_238-ava tight . “_[0-i] End of . “ [I]_238-ava ’m driving [myself]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava pushes [her]_238-ava hips into [my]_0-i groin . “ End of . ”_[238-ava] Chapter 25 [Ava]_238-ava [I]_0-i ’m torn between the need to keep [him]_915-him close and the need to desperately break away . To find some independence before [I]_0-i come to lean on [him]_915-him too much . Yoga is the perfect place to start , just a couple of hours away from [him]_915-him . [The big wide world]_{916-the big wide world} is a scary place , but it ’s not going to get any less scary unless [I]_0-i push forward . So [I]_0-i ’m going , and [I]_0-i do n’t care how much [he]_915-him sulks about it . And [I]_0-i ’m driving [myself]_0-i . [Elsie]_32-mum was delighted to hear from [me]_0-i , and offered to let [me]_0-i join [her]_32-mum this afternoon . [I]_0-i ’m looking forward to it , and as [I]_0-i come down [the stairs]_{701-the hallway} , feeling bright and positive , [I]_0-i see [Jesse]_454-jesse pacing [the hallway]_{701-the hallway} . [I]_0-i do n’t let [his]_454-jesse clear displeasure break [me]_0-i down . “ The keys ? ”_[454-jesse] [I]_0-i ask , pulling [my]_0-i bag onto [my]_0-i shoulder . The scowl fired at [me]_0-i is fierce , as is [his]_454-jesse stance . [The man]_454-jesse can sulk , that much [I]_0-i ’ve figured out . But [his]_454-jesse moody nature when things do n’t go [his]_454-jesse way is oddly endearing . Familiar . [He]_454-jesse grunts , looking [me]_0-i up and down , handing [me]_0-i a bunch of keys and a pretty pinky - gold thing . [I]_0-i frown down at it . It ’s not much bigger than a credit card . “ What ’s this ? ”_[0-i] “ [Your]_0-i phone . ”_[454-jesse] “ Oh . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i smile and slip it into [my]_0-i bag and pull a hair tie out , securing [my]_0-i hair into a ponytail carefully . “ [I]_0-i ’m not happy about this . ”_[0-i] “ No shit . ”_[454-jesse] That scowl , it darkens , and [my]_0-i smile widens . “ Do n’t push [your]_0-i luck . ”_[454-jesse] “ Do n’t push [yours]_0-i . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i laugh , passing [him]_454-jesse and heading for the door . [My]_0-i shoulder brushes [his]_454-jesse arm , and before [I]_0-i know what ’s happened , [I]_0-i ’m pressed against the nearest wall by [his]_454-jesse hard body . Damn , [this man]_454-jesse moves fast . Getting up in [my]_0-i face , [his]_454-jesse green eyes almost dull , [he]_454-jesse growls , low and deep . [His]_454-jesse heart is clattering in [his]_454-jesse chest , the beats penetrating [me]_0-i . [He]_454-jesse ’s worried . Worried about being away from [me]_0-i ? It might be unhealthy and unreasonable , but to [me]_0-i it ’s strangely comforting . Every move [this man]_454-jesse makes , everything [he]_454-jesse says , all [his]_454-jesse facial expressions and reactions , [they]_918-they all touch [me]_0-i somewhere deep , and [my]_0-i gut tells [me]_0-i it ’s all okay . Everything is fine . Instinct tells [me]_0-i how to react . [My]_0-i heart tells [me]_0-i how to love [him]_454-jesse . [My]_0-i mind tells [me]_0-i how to handle [him]_454-jesse . [I]_0-i ’m slowly putting it all together , figuring [him]_454-jesse out . [He]_454-jesse is the biggest part of who [I]_0-i am . “ [I]_454-jesse ’ll drive carefully . ”_[454-jesse] [My]_0-i instinct to reassure [him]_454-jesse is so natural . [I]_0-i ’m wondering where it ’s coming from , since [he]_454-jesse ’s being completely unreasonable . “ [I]_0-i ’ll be a couple of hours , at the most . [I]_0-i ’ll be back before [you]_0-i know it , [I]_0-i promise . ”_[0-i] “ And what if [you]_0-i are n’t ? ”_[454-jesse] [He]_454-jesse ’s serious , [his]_454-jesse mind spinning with dread and the worst - case scenarios . “ Do [you]_0-i know how long it took [me]_454-jesse to finally lengthen the reins [I]_454-jesse have on [you]_0-i ? Years , [Ava]_238-ava . Years of [my]_454-jesse fear battling with [my]_454-jesse reason . ”_[454-jesse] “ [You]_0-i have a reasonable side ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ask , trying to throw some lightness into the mix . This is utterly ridiculous . [I]_0-i ’m going to yoga for two hours , [max]_26-maddie . [His]_454-jesse green eyes narrow into warning slits . “ Sarcasm does n’t suit [you]_26-maddie , [lady]_26-maddie . ”_[454-jesse] [He]_454-jesse ’s not impressed , and like [the sly bastard]_{919-the sly bastard} [I]_0-i ’ve figured [he]_454-jesse is , [he]_454-jesse rolls those damn gorgeous hips into [my]_0-i groin , using [his]_454-jesse power over [me]_0-i like the weapon it is . “ [We]_2547-we need to make [friends]_2054-friends . ”_[454-jesse] “ Have [we]_2547-we fallen out ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i laugh , trying to wriggle free , even though [I]_0-i know [I]_0-i ’m going nowhere until [he]_454-jesse says so . “ Yes , [we]_2547-we have . ”_[454-jesse] [His]_454-jesse eyes are now gleaming , hypnotizing , as [he]_454-jesse drops [his]_454-jesse mouth to [my]_0-i cheek and takes a light bite . [He]_454-jesse purrs , and [I]_0-i groan , having to stop [myself]_0-i from knocking [my]_0-i head against the wall behind [me]_0-i . What [he]_454-jesse can do to [me]_0-i , how [he]_454-jesse can make [me]_0-i feel , staggers [me]_0-i every time . “ Stay with [me]_454-jesse . ”_[454-jesse] [My]_0-i eyes close , the feel of [his]_454-jesse lovely lips trailing lazily all over [my]_0-i face debilitating [me]_0-i . [He]_454-jesse makes it to [my]_0-i mouth and laps [his]_454-jesse tongue far and wide , pushing [me]_0-i further up the wall . Oh [[my]_0-i lord]_26-maddie , [he]_454-jesse ’s a fucking god . [My]_0-i temperature is rising , [my]_0-i blood racing through [my]_0-i veins , [my]_0-i mind blitzed . And then [I]_0-i feel [him]_454-jesse smile around [our]_921-our kiss . [I]_0-i do n’t have to see it to know it ’s a smile full of satisfaction . “ No . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i find some willpower and yank [myself]_0-i from [my]_0-i bliss , pushing [him]_454-jesse away , ignoring the animalistic growl . [I]_0-i ’m learning [his]_454-jesse game . [I]_0-i pull [my]_0-i bag back onto [my]_0-i shoulder and get [my]_0-i breathing on track . [Jesus Christ]_26-maddie , every part of [me]_0-i wants [him]_26-maddie , wants to let [him]_26-maddie completely consume [me]_0-i , to make love to [me]_0-i . But [I]_0-i ’m so nervous about that . [My]_0-i eyes drop to [his]_26-maddie groin . [I]_0-i felt it . Only briefly , but [I]_0-i felt it . It ’s fucking colossal , but it felt so bloody amazing , just that one stroke . [I]_0-i quickly realign [my]_0-i thoughts before [I]_0-i jump [him]_26-maddie . Would [he]_26-maddie like that ? “ [I]_26-maddie ’m going to yoga . ”_[26-maddie] “ Then [you]_26-maddie ’ll be punished later , [lady]_26-maddie . ”_[26-maddie] “ Fine . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i head for the door on a shake of [my]_0-i head , yet [I]_0-i smile to [myself]_0-i . Because [I]_0-i think [I]_0-i could be falling for the nutter . As [I]_0-i take the steps down to [the BMW]_{922-the bmw} , [I]_0-i pull [myself]_0-i together , tamp down [my]_0-i want , and focus on the afternoon ahead . Taking the handle of the door , [I]_0-i look back as [I]_0-i pull it open , finding [Jesse]_454-jesse at the front door , [his]_454-jesse shoulder leaning against the door frame , [his]_454-jesse big arms folded across [his]_454-jesse big chest . [He]_454-jesse ’s smiling . [The crazy - arse loon]_{923-the crazy - arse loon} . Pivoting back toward [the car]_{2161-the car} , [I]_0-i only just stop [myself]_0-i from falling into the seat . Or onto [[Jesse]_454-jesse ’s friend]_{925-jesse ’s friend} ’s lap . Not that there ’s much room with [the huge black man]_{926-the huge black man} taking up [the driver]_{927-the driver} ’s seat . “ What ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i blurt , righting [myself]_0-i and taking the top of the door . [He]_{926-the huge black man} lifts [his]_{926-the huge black man} wraparounds and beams at [me]_0-i , flashing a gold tooth . “ Afternoon , [girl]_26-maddie , ”_{[926-the huge black man]} [he]_{926-the huge black man} rumbles , thumbing to the other side of [the car]_{2161-the car} . “ It ’s like the good old days , huh ? ”_{[926-the huge black man]} [My]_0-i teeth clench with force that might crumble them , and [I]_0-i look up to find [a very smug - looking man still holding position in the doorway]_{926-the huge black man} . Unbelievable ! “ It ’s [you]_26-maddie who will be getting punished ! ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i yell , stomping around to the passenger side . [I]_0-i have n’t got time to argue ; [I]_0-i ’ll be late for [[my]_0-i first class]_{928-my first class} , and [I]_0-i certainly wo n’t be shifting the mountain of [a man in the driver]_{929-a man in the driver} ’s seat . “ Look forward to it , [lady]_26-maddie ! ”_{[926-the huge black man]} [he]_{926-the huge black man} calls on an irritating chuckle , earning a scowl from [me]_0-i that rivals any that [he]_{926-the huge black man} dishes out . [I]_0-i slam the door and face [John]_60-jacob . “ [I]_60-jacob ca n’t believe [he]_{926-the huge black man} ’s got [you]_60-jacob driving [me]_60-jacob . ”_[60-jacob] [John]_60-jacob laughs , [his]_{926-the huge black man} huge sausage fingers gripping the wheel . “ [Girl]_26-maddie , [I]_60-jacob drove [you]_60-jacob all over [the place]_{2265-the place} when [you]_60-jacob two first hooked up . ”_[60-jacob] “ It does n’t surprise [me]_0-i , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say , staring at [his]_{926-the huge black man} profile thoughtfully . “ [I]_0-i have déjà vu , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i muse quietly , and [he]_{926-the huge black man} smiles . [He]_{926-the huge black man} has a lovely smile , warm and reassuring . “ That does n’t surprise [me]_{926-the huge black man} , [girl]_26-maddie . ”_{[926-the huge black man]} [His]_{926-the huge black man} left hand leaves the wheel , extending toward [me]_0-i , [his]_{926-the huge black man} palm faceup . [I]_0-i lay [mine]_0-i in the huge shovel and [he]_{926-the huge black man} grips , firm but gentle . “ Feeling overwhelmed ? ”_{[926-the huge black man]} “ By so much . ”_{[926-the huge black man]} “ But mostly [him]_{926-the huge black man} , yes ? ”_{[926-the huge black man]} “ [He]_{926-the huge black man} ’s [an intense man]_{926-the huge black man} . ”_{[926-the huge black man]} “ Like [I]_{926-the huge black man} ’ve said to [you]_{926-the huge black man} a million times before , [girl]_26-maddie , only with [you]_{926-the huge black man} . ”_{[926-the huge black man]} Setting [my]_0-i hand in [my]_0-i lap , [he]_{926-the huge black man} takes [his]_{926-the huge black man} own back to the wheel . “ [You]_{926-the huge black man} and [those kids]_{2551-those kids} are [his]_{926-the huge black man} world , but [you]_{926-the huge black man} know that already . [Ai]_115-ai n’t [no man on [this planet]_{2553-this planet} like [Jesse Ward]_454-jesse]_{2552-no man on this planet like jesse ward} . ”_{[926-the huge black man]} [He]_{926-the huge black man} laughs under [his]_{926-the huge black man} breath a little , and [I]_0-i smile , sensing a fondness emanating from [the big guy that feels somehow right]_{930-the big guy that feels somehow right} . “ [You]_{926-the huge black man} ’re going to tell [me]_0-i to go easy on [him]_{926-the huge black man} , are n’t [you]_{926-the huge black man} ? ”_[0-i] “ [That motherfucker]_{2554-that motherfucker} is fragile under all that bravado and muscle . ”_{[926-the huge black man]} “ [He]_{926-the huge black man} went through a lot . [[His]_{926-the huge black man} brother]_60-jacob , [[his]_{926-the huge black man} uncle]_60-jacob . ”_[60-jacob] [John]_60-jacob hums , returning [his]_{926-the huge black man} full attention to [the road]_{2159-the road} . “ Looking forward to [your]_60-jacob first session with [Elsie]_32-mum ? ”_[60-jacob] Is it [me]_0-i , or has [he]_{926-the huge black man} just swiftly changed the subject ? [I]_0-i frown . “ [I]_0-i am . Do [you]_0-i remember [someone called [Sarah]_26-maddie]_{2555-someone called sarah} ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i press [my]_0-i lips together , watching for [his]_{926-the huge black man} reaction . “ Of course . ”_[0-i] “ Did [you]_0-i know [she]_26-maddie ’s back ? ”_{[926-the huge black man]} [He]_{926-the huge black man} casts [his]_{926-the huge black man} face slowly to [mine]_0-i . “ [I]_{926-the huge black man} did . ”_{[926-the huge black man]} [He]_{926-the huge black man} ’s giving [me]_0-i nothing , so [I]_0-i continue to press lightly . “ Do [I]_{926-the huge black man} have anything to worry about ? ”_{[926-the huge black man]} “ [Girl]_{821-a woman} , there ’s not [a woman dead or alive who would turn [[your]_0-i husband]_454-jesse ’s head]_{2556-a woman dead or alive who would turn your husband ’s head} . ”_{[926-the huge black man]} “ But [he]_{926-the huge black man} turns theirs , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i point out , knowing deep down that it ’s not really [[my]_0-i husband]_454-jesse [I]_0-i need to worry about , but maybe [a woman]_{821-a woman} ’s desperation . [Jesse]_454-jesse is stunning . Tall , confident , strong , and a whole heap of other things . “ [He]_454-jesse does n’t see [any of [them]_{2472-any of them}]_{2472-any of them} . ”_[454-jesse] [His]_454-jesse look now is almost stern , like [he]_454-jesse ’s annoyed [I]_0-i ’m letting something that ’s apparently trivial bother [me]_0-i . “ Only [you]_26-maddie exist in [that man]_454-jesse ’s eyes , [girl]_26-maddie . Never forget that . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i sigh , staring out of the window as [we]_934-we drive [the streets of [London]_11-london]_{935-the streets of london} . And [I]_0-i scold [myself]_0-i because though [my]_0-i memories are a little lost , [my]_0-i instinct is n’t . To [Jesse Ward]_454-jesse , [I]_0-i am life . * * * [John]_60-jacob drops [me]_0-i off with instructions to call [him]_454-jesse when [I]_0-i ’m ready , and the first thing that hits [me]_0-i when [I]_0-i enter [[Elsie]_32-mum ’s studio]_{2265-the place} is the sound of background music , which [I]_0-i quickly determine is whale calls . [The place]_{2265-the place} is warm , the walls made up of dark wooden panels , only a few tiny spotlights scattered in between the dozens of floor - standing plants . A few tie - dye tapestries hang from the walls , and a small fountain in the corner trickles calming water down the side of glistening grey rocks . “ [Ava]_238-ava . ”_[32-mum] [Elsie]_32-mum ’s voice matches the scene perfectly , all calm and soothing . It ’s peaceful , tranquil , and [I]_0-i feel at ease . “ How lovely to see [you]_32-mum . ”_[0-i] Kissing [me]_0-i on both cheeks , [she]_32-mum links arms with [me]_0-i and walks [us]_937-we to some bamboo doors , sliding them open . “ This is where [we]_937-we ’ll practice . ”_[32-mum] [She]_32-mum practically floats across [the room]_{202-the room} , [her]_32-mum long white cover - up trailing the floor . Taking a mat from a hook on the wall , [she]_32-mum lays it down for [me]_0-i . “ Let [me]_32-mum take [your]_32-mum bag and [we]_937-we ’ll get started . ”_[32-mum] “ Thank [you]_32-mum . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i give up [my]_0-i satchel and kneel . “ [I]_0-i was n’t sure what to wear . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i pull at [my]_0-i leggings . “ That ’s just fine . As long as [you]_32-mum ’re comfortable . ”_[32-mum] [Elsie]_32-mum pulls [her]_32-mum cover - up over [her]_32-mum head , revealing a toned , curvy figure dressed in a black leotard . [I]_0-i ’m in slight awe ; [the woman]_32-mum must be in [her]_32-mum sixties , and [she]_32-mum looks amazing . Sitting on [her]_32-mum bottom and crossing [her]_32-mum legs with ease , [she]_32-mum motions [me]_0-i to follow , which [I]_0-i do , a little nervous . “ Breathe in through [your]_32-mum nose slowly , and out through [your]_32-mum mouth . In and out . In and out . Clear [your]_32-mum mind , and let [me]_32-mum take [you]_32-mum on a journey to [another world]_{2559-another world} . ”_[32-mum] [I]_0-i wrestle to clear [my]_0-i mind , which is trickier than it probably should be , but it ’s been so full for days , fighting to find memories , trying to surmise what certain things mean . [I]_0-i squeeze [my]_0-i eyes shut and listen to [Elsie]_32-mum ’s voice , quiet and soothing , guiding [me]_0-i through the process to achieve complete clear headspace . Peace . It settles over [me]_0-i like a warm blanket , and [I]_0-i fall into a trance , focusing on [Elsie]_32-mum ’s quiet instructions as [she]_32-mum guides [me]_0-i through some simple poses , ones that apparently cleanse the body of stress . And it works . [I]_0-i follow [her]_32-mum lead , accepting the help [she]_32-mum offers when [I]_0-i struggle to get a few things right , [my]_0-i leg aching a bit in certain poses . Not too much , but enough for [me]_0-i to have to ask [her]_32-mum to stop . An hour later , [I]_0-i ’m on [my]_0-i back , [my]_0-i legs up against a wall , [my]_0-i mind clear . “ [You]_0-i did so well , [Ava]_238-ava , ”_[32-mum] [Elsie]_32-mum says , helping [me]_0-i get [my]_0-i legs down . “ [I]_32-mum ’ll wait for [you]_0-i in reception . Take [your]_0-i time . ”_[32-mum] [I]_0-i slowly get to [my]_0-i feet , stretching . [I]_0-i feel like [I]_0-i ’ve had a week ’s worth of sleep , [my]_0-i body and mind revitalized and fresh . That was so wonderful . [I]_0-i smile , despite not finding any memories , a new sense of hope and contentment flourishing as [I]_0-i collect [my]_0-i bag and make [my]_0-i way out of [the studio]_{939-the studio} , ready to thank [Elsie]_32-mum from the bottom of [my]_0-i heart for suggesting this . [I]_0-i find [her]_32-mum sitting on a soft velvet chair , rubbing some cream into [her]_32-mum hands . “ [Elsie]_32-mum , [I]_32-mum ca n’t thank [you]_32-mum enough , ”_[32-mum] [I]_0-i gush , so pleased . “ [I]_0-i feel like [a new woman]_32-mum already . ”_[0-i] [Elsie]_32-mum ’s face scrunches into a little impish grin as [she]_32-mum stands and approaches , taking [my]_0-i hands . [Her]_32-mum skin is soft , and the smell of sweet jasmine immediately hits [my]_0-i nose , seeming to add another layer of peace over [me]_0-i . Honestly , [this woman]_32-mum , this place , it ’s like an amazing medicine . “ [I]_32-mum told [John]_60-jacob this would be good for [you]_60-jacob . [He]_940-he ’s told [me]_32-mum all about [that man of [yours]_60-jacob]_60-jacob . ”_[32-mum] [Her]_32-mum head tilts cheekily , and [I]_0-i laugh a little . “ Passionate , but a little overbearing , yes ? ”_[0-i] “ A little , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i admit , not wanting to bring [him]_940-he down too much . [I]_0-i know [he]_940-he ’s struggling , too . “ [He]_940-he means well . ”_[940-he] “ Of course [he]_940-he does . [He]_940-he loves [you]_60-jacob with a fire in [his]_940-he soul . Now , will [I]_0-i be seeing [you]_60-jacob again ? ”_[0-i] “ God , yes . How much do [I]_32-mum owe [you]_60-jacob for today ? ”_[32-mum] [Her]_32-mum hand stops [mine]_0-i from going into [my]_0-i purse . “ [I]_32-mum do n’t charge [friends]_2054-friends , ”_[32-mum] [she]_32-mum says , looking past [me]_0-i when the door behind [us]_941-us opens . “ Can [I]_32-mum help [you]_60-jacob ? ”_[32-mum] [I]_0-i turn and see [a woman]_26-maddie gingerly entering . [She]_32-mum shuts the door behind [her]_32-mum , pulling [her]_32-mum bag higher on [her]_32-mum shoulder . “ [I]_32-mum was told [you]_60-jacob do yoga sessions here . ”_[32-mum] “ Why yes , [dear]_60-jacob , ”_[32-mum] [Elsie]_32-mum glides across to [her]_32-mum , [her]_32-mum friendly smile almost sorry . “ But [I]_32-mum ’m afraid [I]_32-mum only teach [one student]_{2561-one student} at a time , and [my]_32-mum schedule is rather full . ”_[32-mum] “ Oh , [I]_26-maddie see . ”_[26-maddie] [The woman]_26-maddie looks sad now , too , and [I]_0-i find [myself]_0-i stepping forward . “ [I]_0-i do n’t mind sharing [my]_0-i session , [Elsie]_32-mum , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say , smiling at [the woman]_26-maddie when [her]_26-maddie eyes sparkle hopefully . After all , [I]_0-i ’m not paying . [I]_0-i feel bad for hogging a whole hour of [Elsie]_32-mum ’s time , and [she]_32-mum refuses to take [my]_0-i money . “ Are [you]_32-mum sure , [Ava]_238-ava ? ”_[32-mum] [Elsie]_32-mum takes [my]_0-i hand and squeezes . [I]_0-i look to [the woman]_26-maddie and smile . “ [I]_32-mum ’m sure [she]_26-maddie wo n’t make much noise . ”_[32-mum] [Elsie]_32-mum laughs , as does [the woman]_26-maddie . “ [I]_26-maddie ’m sorry , [my]_26-maddie name is [Zara]_116-zara . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie offers [her]_26-maddie hand . “ [You]_26-maddie really do n’t have to do this . ”_[26-maddie] “ It ’s fine . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i brush it off . To be fair , [she]_26-maddie looks like [she]_26-maddie could do with the serenity of [this place]_{2391-this place} , too . [She]_26-maddie looks a little sad . “ [I]_26-maddie ’m [Ava]_238-ava . ”_[26-maddie] “ Lovely to meet [you]_26-maddie , [Ava]_238-ava . ”_[26-maddie] “ [I]_32-mum ’ll leave [you]_26-maddie two to see [yourselves]_26-maddie out . ”_[32-mum] [Elsie]_32-mum wanders back to [the studio]_{497-the city} . “ [I]_32-mum need to prepare for [my]_32-mum next session . See [you]_26-maddie Friday , then ? ”_[32-mum] “ See [you]_26-maddie , [Elsie]_32-mum , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i call , turning back to [Zara]_116-zara . “ [I]_26-maddie ca n’t thank [you]_26-maddie enough , ”_[26-maddie] [she]_26-maddie gushes . “ [I]_26-maddie recently moved to [the city]_{497-the city} after a shitty breakup and [I]_26-maddie ’m trying to keep [myself]_26-maddie busy in [my]_26-maddie spare time , and [I]_26-maddie could really do with trying to chill out . Breakups are stressful . ”_[26-maddie] “ [You]_26-maddie do n’t have to thank [me]_116-zara . Today was [my]_116-zara first session with [Elsie]_32-mum . [She]_32-mum is just wonderful . [You]_26-maddie ’ll love it . ”_[116-zara] “ Ca n’t wait . So [I]_26-maddie guess [I]_26-maddie ’ll see [you]_26-maddie on Friday . ”_[26-maddie] “ Do [you]_26-maddie fancy a coffee ? ”_[26-maddie] It comes from nowhere , startling [me]_0-i . But [her]_26-maddie face is so friendly and warm , and for the first time , [I]_0-i ’m not frantically searching [my]_0-i head for the right things to say . “ Oh , that would be lovely . Are [you]_26-maddie sure ? [I]_0-i do n’t want to keep [you]_26-maddie . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i laugh a little . “ Trust [me]_0-i , there ’s nothing [you]_26-maddie ’re keeping [me]_0-i from . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i link arms with [her]_26-maddie and [we]_945-we walk out onto [the street]_{2159-the road} , heading for the café up [the road]_{2159-the road} . “ [I]_945-we ’m sorry about [your]_26-maddie breakup . ”_[945-we] “ Do n’t be . [I]_116-zara ’m best rid of [him]_26-maddie . ”_[116-zara] [Zara]_116-zara smiles , though [I]_0-i sense a perpetual sadness lingering deep in [her]_26-maddie blue eyes . It ’s a sadness [she]_26-maddie ’s trying to hide from [the world]_{2163-the world} , and [I]_0-i can relate to that . [I]_0-i ’m devastated that [I]_0-i ca n’t find what [I]_0-i ’m desperately looking for , and it ’s hard to keep [my]_0-i devastation from showing and tearing [Jesse]_454-jesse down , too . “ The relationship was violent . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie shrugs , like it ’s nothing . “ Oh [my]_26-maddie God , [I]_26-maddie ’m so sorry . ”_[26-maddie] “ What does n’t break [you]_26-maddie makes [you]_26-maddie stronger . That ’s what [they]_2562-they say , right ? ”_[26-maddie] “ Right , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i agree wholeheartedly . [I]_0-i ’m not broken . But [I]_0-i certainly do n’t feel any stronger at the moment . Call [me]_0-i mean , but hearing [someone else]_{267-someone else} ’s problems makes [me]_0-i feel mighty better about [my]_0-i own . The conversation is coming easily . It ’s nice , normal . [Zara]_116-zara is n’t looking at [me]_0-i with sympathy , [she]_26-maddie is n’t asking [me]_0-i pressing questions , searching [my]_0-i eyes for evidence of a memory like [[everyone]_283-everyone around [me]_0-i]_283-everyone does . [She]_26-maddie ’s just chatting to [me]_0-i like [a normal woman]_{950-a normal woman} would . “ Oh , excuse [me]_0-i , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say , pulling [my]_0-i phone from [my]_0-i pocket as [we]_951-we enter [the coffeehouse]_{784-the coffeehouse} . “ [I]_0-i need to call [someone]_293-someone . ”_[0-i] [My]_0-i thumb falters over the screen , and [I]_0-i stare down , not sure how to even use the thing . [I]_0-i ’ve answered [Jesse]_454-jesse ’s phone , but that ’s only because the thing told [me]_0-i to swipe . So [I]_0-i swipe . And get asked for a code . “ Never mind . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’ll wait for [John]_60-jacob to call [me]_0-i . “ [I]_0-i ’ll get these , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say , shrugging [my]_0-i coat off . “ What would [you]_0-i like ? ”_[0-i] “ A latte would be lovely , thank [you]_0-i . ”_[116-zara] [Zara]_116-zara takes a seat while [I]_0-i order [our]_951-we drinks , pulling out [my]_0-i credit card and looking at the name across the front . [Mrs. A. Ward]_26-maddie . [I]_0-i ’m prompted by [the server]_{953-the server} to pay , and [I]_0-i come over hot . What ’s the PIN ? “ It ’s contactless , ”_[454-jesse] [he]_454-jesse says , and [I]_0-i frown , catching a woman to [my]_0-i left tapping [her]_26-maddie card on the next machine . [I]_0-i follow [her]_26-maddie lead , raising [my]_0-i eyebrows when [I]_0-i see the machine tells [me]_0-i it ’s accepted . [I]_0-i smile , chuffed , and take the drinks , heading for the table and settling with [Zara]_116-zara . Crazy as it seems , [I]_0-i ’m feeling a little rebellious , going off the normal course of [my]_0-i day . “ So where did [you]_0-i live before [you]_0-i came here ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ask . “ Newcastle . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie shakes [her]_26-maddie head on a laugh . “ [I]_26-maddie ca n’t believe how expensive it is here ! ”_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i find [myself]_0-i laughing , too , because [I]_0-i ’ve been consistently shocked by inflation in [my]_0-i absent sixteen years . “ Yeah , prices around these parts are no joke . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i chink [her]_26-maddie coffee cup with [mine]_0-i . “ How long have [you]_0-i been [here]_2274-here ? ”_[0-i] “ Only a couple of months . Still settling in , but [I]_0-i really miss [my]_0-i dog . ”_[0-i] “ Oh no , what happened ? ”_[0-i] “ Rentals wo n’t allow [pets]_2565-pets , so [I]_0-i lost [him]_2565-pets in the separation . ”_[0-i] “ Oh , that ’s crap . So do [you]_0-i have a job ? ”_[0-i] “ [I]_0-i do . Only started a month ago , but it ’s going great , and the potential to climb the ladder is just what [I]_0-i want . ”_[0-i] “ What do [you]_0-i do ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i sit back in [my]_0-i seat , riveted by the conversation , despite it being simple and normal and probably boring to some . But it ’s different . “ [I]_0-i specialize in commercial property interiors . It sounds rather boring , [I]_0-i know , but [I]_0-i ’m passionate about it and that ’s what matters , right ? ”_[0-i] “ [I]_0-i used to be [an interior designer]_{690-an interior designer} . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i sound utterly unimpressed with [myself]_0-i . [I]_0-i used to be . Now ? Now [I]_0-i do n’t know what [I]_0-i do . “ Oh [you]_0-i did ? ”_[0-i] [Her]_0-i eyes light up as [she]_0-i sits forward in [her]_0-i chair . “ Private ? ”_[0-i] [she]_0-i asks , and [I]_0-i nod , telling the stupid lump in [my]_0-i throat to fuck off . “ And [you]_0-i do n’t anymore ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i shrug , trying to sound nonchalant . “ [[My]_0-i husband]_454-jesse owns [a health club]_2051-there . After [I]_0-i had [the kids]_{2010-the kids} and some time off , it made sense for [me]_0-i to work [there]_2051-there . ”_[0-i] At least , that ’s what [I]_0-i assume . As [Zara]_116-zara rests back in [her]_0-i chair , [she]_0-i takes a sip of [her]_0-i coffee , thoughtful . “ Well , if [you]_0-i ever decide to dip a toe back into [that world]_{2570-that world} , [I]_0-i know [my]_0-i company is always looking for [talented designers in all sectors]_{2571-talented designers in all sectors} . ”_[0-i] What is that inside [me]_0-i ? Excitement ? “ Really ? ”_[0-i] “ Sure ! ”_[0-i] [She]_0-i matches [my]_0-i beam . “ [I]_0-i can put [you]_0-i in touch with [[my]_0-i manager]_{2572-my manager} , if [you]_0-i ’d like ? ”_[0-i] “ [I]_116-zara ’d love that . Let [me]_116-zara give [you]_0-i [my]_116-zara number . ”_[116-zara] That excitement doubles as [Zara]_116-zara fetches [her]_0-i phone and gets ready for [me]_0-i to reel the digits off , looking up at [me]_0-i in prompt . “ It ’s … ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i fade off , rummaging through every corner of [my]_0-i mind for [my]_0-i own phone number . “ It ’s … ”_[116-zara] [Zara]_116-zara chuckles . “ [I]_0-i never remember [mine]_0-i , either . ”_[0-i] [She]_0-i taps at the screen of [her]_0-i phone and turns it toward [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i see [her]_0-i name in [her]_0-i contacts and [her]_0-i number . “ Call [me]_0-i and [we]_2573-we can save [them]_2573-we . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i look down at [my]_0-i phone . It ’s asking [me]_0-i for a code again . “ [Your]_0-i birthday ? ”_[116-zara] [Zara]_116-zara prompts , and [I]_0-i glance up , finding [her]_0-i smiling softly . [I]_0-i have no idea . Am [I]_0-i that predictable ? [My]_0-i date of birth is n’t the number that comes to mind , though . So [I]_0-i tap in the first four digits that do : 3210 . The screen lights up , a dozen icons glaring at [me]_0-i . “ Here . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i hand it over . “ It ’s probably easier for [you]_0-i to enter it rather than reel it off to [me]_0-i . ”_[0-i] Without question , [Zara]_116-zara quickly and keenly taps [her]_0-i number into [my]_0-i phone and connects the call , letting [her]_0-i phone ring once before hanging up and saving [my]_0-i number . “ Perfect , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i declare as [she]_0-i hands it back and [I]_0-i slip it into [my]_0-i bag . [She]_0-i smiles . It ’s such a warm smile . Friendly and accepting , and it makes [me]_0-i feel so at ease . [We]_954-we chat about almost anything for the next hour , almost anything except [my]_0-i recent accident . [She]_0-i does n’t need to know that , and it ’s a relief to have it off [my]_0-i mind for a while . Just talking . Getting to know [someone]_293-someone . [Someone who [I]_0-i ’m not already supposed to know]_{956-someone who i ’m not already supposed to know} . [I]_0-i ’m so wrapped up in the chatter , [I]_0-i completely lose track of time . “ [Goodness]_117-goodness , where did the time go ? ”_[116-zara] [Zara]_116-zara laughs , getting up from [her]_0-i chair . “ [I]_116-zara was supposed to be at a hair appointment fifteen minutes ago to sort out this mop . ”_[116-zara] [Her]_0-i hair looks just fine , long , dark , glossy waves that make [her]_0-i blue eyes more striking . “ Do n’t [you]_116-zara work on Mondays ? ”_[0-i] “ [I]_0-i usually work from [home]_201-home a few days a week , so [I]_0-i get a bit of freedom to sneak to yoga and [the salon]_{2575-the salon} . ”_[0-i] [She]_0-i winks , and [I]_0-i laugh . “ [I]_0-i ’ll see [you]_116-zara Friday ? ”_[0-i] “ Sure . ”_[957-we] [We]_957-we walk to the door together , and as soon as [I]_0-i make it to [the pavement]_{958-the pavement} , [I]_0-i spot [[Jesse]_454-jesse ’s Aston]_{15-jesse ’s aston} up [the road]_{2159-the road} through the trees lining [the street]_{236-the street} . Oh no . [John]_60-jacob must have called [him]_454-jesse . [I]_0-i quickly find [my]_0-i phone and cringe . Missed calls , texts , and voicemails crowd the locked screen . [I]_0-i shrink a little . “ [[My]_0-i husband]_454-jesse is waiting for [me]_0-i . ”_[0-i] “ Oh , where ? ”_[116-zara] [Zara]_116-zara looks where [I]_0-i point , having to bend to get [[Jesse]_454-jesse ’s car]_{961-jesse ’s car} in [her]_116-zara sights . “ [That fine man pacing [the pavement]_{958-the pavement}]_{2577-that fine man pacing the pavement} ? ”_[116-zara] [She]_116-zara gives [me]_0-i a playful look . “ [You]_{2577-that fine man pacing the pavement} lucky thing , [you]_{2577-that fine man pacing the pavement} . ”_[116-zara] “ Oh , behave . ”_[116-zara] [I]_0-i laugh , and [she]_116-zara does , too , giving [me]_0-i a quick peck on the cheek . “ Have fun at [the salon]_{2575-the salon} , ”_[116-zara] [I]_0-i call as [she]_116-zara jogs off . [I]_0-i smile , thinking that [I]_0-i like [Zara]_116-zara . [My]_0-i smile is short - lived , though , when [I]_0-i turn to find [Jesse]_454-jesse stalking down [the street]_{236-the street} in [my]_0-i direction , looking nothing short of murderous . What ’s [his]_454-jesse problem ? “ Where the fuck have [you]_2580-you been ? ”_[454-jesse] [he]_454-jesse barks , positively shaking with rage . “ [I]_454-jesse ’ve been going out of [my]_454-jesse fucking mind , [lady]_454-jesse ! ”_[454-jesse] [He]_454-jesse seizes [my]_0-i hand harshly , and [I]_0-i look back to see if [Zara]_116-zara is still around , because [I]_0-i know just what [she]_116-zara would think if [she]_116-zara saw this little episode . What the hell is [he]_454-jesse doing ? “ Get [your]_2580-you hands off [me]_0-i ! ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i snap , shoving [him]_454-jesse away . “ [I]_454-jesse went for a fucking coffee . ”_[454-jesse] [His]_454-jesse face is that of pure shock . And not because [I]_0-i went for coffee . “ Mouth ! ”_[454-jesse] “ Fuck [you]_2580-you , [you]_2580-you heathen . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i barge past [him]_454-jesse , attempting to stomp to [the car]_{2161-the car} , but [my]_0-i leg is aching badly now . This ? This ridiculously over - the - top reaction , just because [I]_0-i went for a coffee ? [The man]_454-jesse has a screw loose . “ God damn it , [Ava]_238-ava ! ”_[454-jesse] [He]_454-jesse ’s coming after [me]_0-i fast , fueled by [his]_454-jesse rage . [I]_0-i do n’t care . [He]_454-jesse ca n’t stop [me]_0-i going for coffee , and come to think of it … “ [I]_454-jesse ’m going back to work . ”_[454-jesse] [I]_0-i must be fucking loo - la . Why would [I]_0-i goad [him]_454-jesse like this ? Why would [I]_0-i poke the fucking bear ? [He]_454-jesse lands in front of [me]_0-i as [I]_0-i step into [the road]_{2159-the road} , every inch of [his]_454-jesse tall frame vibrating . [I]_0-i square [my]_0-i shoulders and lift [my]_0-i chin , displaying all of the grit [I]_0-i feel . “ Over [my]_454-jesse dead body , ”_[454-jesse] [he]_454-jesse whispers lowly , getting [his]_454-jesse face close to [mine]_0-i . [I]_0-i do n’t back up . Never . “ [You]_454-jesse ’re not ready to go back to work . ”_[0-i] “ No , [I]_454-jesse ’m not ready to go back to [your]_454-jesse work . Because [I]_454-jesse have n’t got a fucking clue what [I]_454-jesse ’m doing ! As soon as [I]_454-jesse can , [I]_454-jesse ’ll be applying for a job where [I]_454-jesse do know what [I]_454-jesse ’m doing . ”_[454-jesse] It ’s then , after the onslaught of [my]_0-i shouts , [I]_0-i realize that [I]_0-i have n’t just poked the bear , [I]_0-i may as well have stabbed the beast . [His]_454-jesse chest slowly inflates , [his]_454-jesse face getting redder and redder . [I]_0-i wisely back up now , ready for the beast to explode . But what will come first ? Because there are two issues here , [my]_0-i language , and the fact that [I]_0-i ’m threatening to get [myself]_0-i another job . [He]_454-jesse wo n’t let [me]_0-i work anywhere except with [him]_454-jesse ? How stupid ! “ Watch [your]_454-jesse fucking mouth ! ”_[454-jesse] [he]_454-jesse booms , practically silencing [the entire street]_{965-the entire street} with the volume . Maybe even the whole of [London]_11-london . “ And the day [you]_454-jesse get another job is the day [you]_454-jesse put [me]_454-jesse six feet under . ”_[454-jesse] “ Do n’t fucking tempt [me]_0-i . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i take a wide berth around [him]_454-jesse , aware of [him]_454-jesse close behind . [I]_0-i ’ll be the one six feet under at this rate . With stress . [I]_0-i yank the car door open and throw [myself]_0-i into the seat heavily , wincing as [I]_0-i do . [I]_0-i hurt . Everywhere . [I]_0-i turn [my]_0-i face away when [he]_454-jesse lands in [the driver]_{927-the driver} ’s side , [his]_454-jesse force putting [mine]_0-i to shame . “ [I]_454-jesse ’ve had a million heart attacks in the past hour ! ”_[454-jesse] “ And a seizure . And a stroke , by the look on [your]_454-jesse face . [I]_454-jesse had a coffee , for crying out loud . Are n’t [I]_454-jesse allowed that ? ”_[454-jesse] “ Who with ? ”_[454-jesse] [He]_454-jesse revs [his]_454-jesse Aston hard , [the car]_{2161-the car} sounding as angry as [him]_454-jesse . “ Because [I]_454-jesse rang [Kate]_194-kate looking for [you]_194-kate , and [you]_194-kate were n’t with [her]_194-kate . ”_[454-jesse] “ [I]_454-jesse have [other friends]_{2581-other friends} , too , [you]_194-kate know . ”_[454-jesse] “ Like who ? ”_[454-jesse] [He]_454-jesse roars off down [the road]_{2159-the road} , throwing [me]_0-i back in [my]_0-i seat . Oh , [he]_454-jesse ’s mad all right . Good . So am [I.]_0-i Who does [he]_454-jesse think [he]_454-jesse is ? “ [A friend]_{349-a friend} from yoga , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i tell [him]_454-jesse snootily , not willing to elaborate . Call [me]_0-i pathetic , but [I]_0-i kind of like the idea of having [someone]_293-someone all to [myself]_0-i . “ [You]_454-jesse ’re driving like [an idiot]_{2583-an idiot} . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i clench the side of [my]_0-i seat when [he]_454-jesse zooms through an amber light , cutting [someone]_293-someone off when [he]_454-jesse switches lanes . [We]_970-we get honked at , and [Jesse]_454-jesse proceeds to flip the finger , not once , but twice , hurling a barrage of abuse out the window . [Jesus Christ]_26-maddie , [the man]_{2289-the man} is [a fucking lunatic]_26-maddie . “ Given [my]_{2289-the man} accident , ”_{[2289-the man]} [I]_0-i say , quietly alarmed by [his]_26-maddie recklessness . “ [I]_0-i ’m surprised [you]_0-i ’re being so careless . ”_[0-i] The brakes screech , and [we]_972-we ’re suddenly crawling along [the road]_{2159-the road} at a snail ’s pace . “ Now [you]_0-i ’re just being stupid . ”_[972-we] [I]_0-i fire [him]_26-maddie a filthy look , but note very quickly that [he]_26-maddie ’s not being stupid at all . [He]_26-maddie ’s being serious , [his]_26-maddie brow all crinkled in silent thought . And [I]_0-i know those thoughts are of the day [he]_26-maddie found [[my]_0-i mangled car]_{974-my mangled car} before [he]_26-maddie found [my]_0-i mangled body . [I]_0-i can see the flashbacks in [his]_26-maddie rapidly dulling eyes , [his]_26-maddie anger morphing into pain . And that pain finds its way into [my]_0-i heart and makes [me]_0-i feel like [the worst person in [the world]_{2163-the world}]_{975-the worst person in the world} . Damn it . [I]_0-i close [my]_0-i eyes briefly and sigh , reaching for [his]_26-maddie hand where it ’s squeezing the wheel , [his]_26-maddie knuckles white . [He]_26-maddie lets [me]_0-i pry [his]_26-maddie fingers free and bring [his]_26-maddie hand to [my]_0-i lap , where [I]_0-i cup it with [my]_0-i other , holding it tightly . “ [I]_0-i ’m sorry , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say , a million strands of regret woven between the two small words . There ’s that instinct again . [The one that desperately]_{977-the one that desperately} wants to ease [his]_{977-the one that desperately} pain . To make [him]_{977-the one that desperately} calmer . To give [him]_{977-the one that desperately} what [he]_{977-the one that desperately} needs . [He]_{977-the one that desperately} pulls [the car]_{2161-the car} over to the side of [the road]_{2159-the road} and takes [his]_{977-the one that desperately} hands back , scrubbing them down [his]_{977-the one that desperately} face slowly and harshly . The evidence of a tear streaks [his]_{977-the one that desperately} bristly cheek . Oh God . What have [I]_0-i done ? [He]_{977-the one that desperately} looks on the verge of breaking down . [I]_0-i unclip [my]_0-i belt and crawl across the center console , onto [his]_{977-the one that desperately} lap , pulling [his]_{977-the one that desperately} hands away from [his]_{977-the one that desperately} face . Deep green eyes overflowing with dread gaze back at [me]_0-i . “ [You]_{977-the one that desperately} need to chill out , [Jesse]_454-jesse . ”_{[977-the one that desperately]} “ [I]_{977-the one that desperately} ’ll chill out if [you]_{977-the one that desperately} stop trying to kill [me]_{977-the one that desperately} dead . ”_{[977-the one that desperately]} [He]_{977-the one that desperately} ’s serious , yet the crack in [his]_{977-the one that desperately} voice is clear . [His]_{977-the one that desperately} true fear is sobering . And , [I]_0-i realize , [I]_0-i should n’t toy with that . “ Be quiet and kiss [me]_0-i , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i demand , taking the reins , doing what [I]_0-i ’m fast learning [he]_{977-the one that desperately} needs [me]_0-i to do . And [I]_0-i do n’t have to ask [him]_{977-the one that desperately} twice . [I]_0-i ’m taken in a kiss that ’s full of appreciation as [he]_{977-the one that desperately} sighs [his]_{977-the one that desperately} thanks into [my]_0-i mouth and settles beneath [me]_0-i . [His]_{977-the one that desperately} heart settles too , lowering to a soft thrum in [his]_{977-the one that desperately} chest , reverberating against [mine]_0-i . “ And to be clear , ”_{[977-the one that desperately]} [he]_{977-the one that desperately} mumbles , and [I]_0-i roll [my]_0-i eyes behind [my]_0-i lids , knowing exactly what ’s coming . “ [You]_2584-you ’re not getting another job . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i do n’t argue . Not now , though [I]_0-i plan on breaking [him]_{977-the one that desperately} down gently over the coming weeks . Even [I]_0-i know [I]_0-i ’m not ready to go back to work yet . [His]_{977-the one that desperately} head falls back against the headrest , [his]_{977-the one that desperately} face serious . “ Why did n’t [you]_2584-you call [me]_{977-the one that desperately} ? Text [me]_{977-the one that desperately} ? Anything . ”_{[977-the one that desperately]} [I]_0-i look away , a bit embarrassed . “ [I]_0-i do n’t know how to use that stupid phone . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i can feel a lump growing in [my]_0-i throat . It ’s so stupid . [My]_0-i jaw is clenched and [my]_0-i face pulled to [his]_{977-the one that desperately} . [His]_{977-the one that desperately} face is agony . “ [I]_0-i ’m sorry for being unreasonable . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i feel immediately better . “ So [you]_0-i ’re going to let [me]_0-i work elsewhere ? ”_[0-i] “ No , ”_{[977-the one that desperately]} [he]_{977-the one that desperately} says simply , with no apology . “ That ’ll never happen . ”_{[977-the one that desperately]} The confidence in [his]_{977-the one that desperately} voice almost makes [me]_0-i believe [him]_{977-the one that desperately} [myself]_0-i . [We]_980-we ’ll see . It is what it is , and [he]_{977-the one that desperately} is what [he]_{977-the one that desperately} is . Neurotic . And [I]_0-i am what [I]_0-i am . Falling in love with [him]_{977-the one that desperately} . Chapter 26 After [my]_0-i heart attack of yesterday , [I]_0-i kept [Ava]_238-ava at [home]_201-home today and gave [her]_238-ava an in - depth tutorial on how to use [her]_238-ava phone . [I]_0-i only let [her]_238-ava leave [the house]_201-home to keep [her]_238-ava therapy session , and [I]_0-i drove [her]_238-ava , waited , and brought [her]_238-ava [home]_201-home . And [she]_238-ava did n’t argue . Fucking hell , [I]_0-i ’ve never been so panicked . The whole time [she]_238-ava was missing , [I]_0-i tried to reason with [myself]_0-i . Tried to keep [myself]_0-i calm . It did n’t work . [I]_0-i was terrified , and then when [I]_0-i found [her]_238-ava , that terror turned into anger . [I]_0-i could n’t hold back . But what was [she]_238-ava thinking disappearing like that ? It ’s taken a whole twenty - four hours to get [my]_0-i heartbeats back to a safe level . Now [I]_0-i ’m waiting for [her]_238-ava in [the hallway]_{701-the hallway} so [we]_983-we can meet [the gang]_{984-the gang} for dinner . [I]_0-i pace , back and forth , over and over . Where the hell is [she]_238-ava ? [I]_0-i glance down at [my]_0-i Rolex and sigh . Normally , [I]_0-i ’d be up there helping [her]_238-ava along in [my]_0-i own little way , but nothing about [our]_983-we lives feels normal anymore . Wandering over to the mirror , [I]_0-i take in [my]_0-i Wentworth grey three - piece , pulling in the jacket and straightening [my]_0-i blue tie . “ Perfect , [Jesse]_454-jesse , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say to [myself]_0-i , smoothing [my]_0-i hair into place . [My]_0-i hand pauses mid - fix . [My]_0-i suit might be dapper , [my]_0-i body carrying it well , but [I]_0-i look tired . Exhausted , in fact . [Jesus]_26-maddie , [I]_0-i ’ve aged ten years in two weeks . [I]_0-i groan and blink [my]_0-i green eyes , feeling at [my]_0-i tidy scruff . Stress appears embedded in [my]_0-i skin , clouding [my]_0-i eyes . [I]_0-i actually look [my]_0-i age , and that fucking sucks when [you]_985-you ’re fifty . Pulling [my]_0-i phone from [my]_0-i pocket , [I]_0-i dial [[my]_0-i mum]_{2281-my mum} . [She]_{2281-my mum} ’s quick to answer . “ [Jesse]_454-jesse ? Everything okay ? ”_{[2281-my mum]} “ Yeah , [Mum]_32-mum . [We]_2585-we ’re getting there . ”_{[2281-my mum]} The last thing [I]_0-i want to do is give [her]_{2281-my mum} more cause for concern than there is , and there ’s already a lot . “ [I]_{2281-my mum} need to ask [you]_{2281-my mum} a question . ”_{[2281-my mum]} “ What ? ”_{[2281-my mum]} “ Answer truthfully . ”_{[2281-my mum]} “ Of course . ”_{[2281-my mum]} “ How old do [I]_{2281-my mum} look ? ”_{[2281-my mum]} There ’s a slight pause , and then [she]_{2281-my mum} starts chuckling . “ [Darling boy]_{2281-my mum} , [you]_{2281-my mum} do n’t look a day over forty . ”_{[2281-my mum]} [I]_0-i catch [myself]_0-i in the mirror again , scoffing under [my]_0-i breath . “ [You]_{2281-my mum} ’re just saying that to make [me]_0-i feel better . ”_[0-i] “ [You]_{2281-my mum} ’re tired , [son]_{2281-my mum} . ”_{[2281-my mum]} “ [Fucking]_118-fucking knackered . ”_[0-i] “ [Jesse Ward]_454-jesse , watch [your]_{2281-my mum} language . ”_[0-i] “ Sorry , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i grunt and continue faffing with [my]_0-i hair . “ How ’s [Dad]_1256-dad ? ”_[0-i] “ Worried . ”_{[2281-my mum]} [She]_{2281-my mum} does n’t beat around the bush . [She]_{2281-my mum} does n’t need to . [Everyone]_283-everyone is worried . “ How is [Ava]_238-ava ? Any improvement ? ”_{[283-everyone]} “ A little , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i admit , wishing [I]_0-i could tell [her]_{2281-my mum} there ’s been a mammoth breakthrough . “ [The doctor]_{2188-the doctor} ’s been encouraged by the small signs [we]_2587-we ’ve seen so far . ”_[0-i] “ That ’s good . [You]_{2281-my mum} must be pleased . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i hum half - heartedly , telling [myself]_0-i once again that [I]_0-i ’m expecting too much too quickly . “ [I]_0-i have to go , [Mum]_32-mum . [I]_0-i ’m taking [Ava]_238-ava out for dinner . ”_[0-i] “ Oh , how lovely ! ”_{[2281-my mum]} [She]_{2281-my mum} sounds thrilled . “ Bet [you]_{2281-my mum} ’re looking forward to that . ”_{[2281-my mum]} Not really . “ [I]_{2281-my mum} am . It ’s like [we]_2587-we ’re dating again . ”_{[2281-my mum]} “ Then make sure [you]_{2281-my mum} woo [her]_26-maddie . ”_{[2281-my mum]} “ Are [you]_{2281-my mum} giving [me]_0-i relationship advice ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ask , hitching a sardonic eyebrow . [I]_0-i ’ve known [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie for over twelve years . [I]_0-i do not need tips on how to woo [her]_26-maddie . “ Well , [we]_2587-we ’ve all heard of [your]_{2281-my mum} persistence in the early days of [your]_{2281-my mum} relationship . ”_[0-i] “ [I]_0-i already told [you]_{2281-my mum} , [Ava]_238-ava exaggerates . [I]_0-i ’ll call [you]_{2281-my mum} tomorrow . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i hang up , ready to yell [my]_0-i impatience up [the stairs]_{244-the stairs} , but [my]_0-i phone rings again . [I]_0-i answer without looking . “ Hello ? ”_[0-i] “ [Jesse]_454-jesse ? ”_[26-maddie] [Sarah]_26-maddie ’s voice sinks into [my]_0-i ear and burns [my]_0-i brain . “ How did [you]_454-jesse get [my]_0-i number ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m instantly angry . Fucking fuming . Does n’t [she]_26-maddie know what ’s good for [her]_26-maddie ? [I]_0-i hear the bedroom door closing . “ Do n’t call [me]_0-i again , [Sarah]_26-maddie . ”_[0-i] “ But [I]_0-i need — ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i hang up on [her]_26-maddie , working hard to cool [myself]_0-i down before [Ava]_238-ava questions [my]_0-i pent - up state . Be cool . Be calm . Then [I]_0-i catch sight of [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie . “ What the fuck , [Ava]_238-ava ? ”_[0-i] It just tumbles out of [my]_0-i mouth but , [Lord]_990-lord have mercy , what the fuck is [she]_26-maddie wearing ? [I]_0-i gawk , studying the little red number , every little thread . It does n’t take [me]_0-i long . “ What ? ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie brushes down the front of [her]_26-maddie dress with [her]_26-maddie palms . [I]_0-i ’m hoping to get some kind of horrified gasp when [she]_26-maddie sees the dress clinging to [her]_26-maddie lithe body , thinking maybe [she]_26-maddie missed the full - length mirror on the way out of [the dressing room]_{258-the dressing room} . But there ’s no gasp . Just a questioning , curved eyebrow as [she]_26-maddie looks back up at [my]_0-i twitching form . What ? What ? Let ’s start with the length of the damn thing . “ Where did [you]_2588-you find that ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ask . “ It was at the back of [my]_0-i wardrobe . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i snort . At the back of [her]_26-maddie wardrobe hidden from [me]_0-i . When did [she]_26-maddie get it ? When was [she]_26-maddie planning on wearing it ? Shit , has [she]_26-maddie already ? “ [You]_2588-you ’re not wearing that . ”_[26-maddie] [Her]_26-maddie head tilts , making [her]_26-maddie long hair skim [her]_26-maddie half - exposed boobs on one side . “ Yes , [I]_26-maddie am . ”_[26-maddie] “ Over [my]_0-i dead , decomposed body , [Ava]_238-ava . [You]_238-ava and [I]_0-i have a deal , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i tell [her]_26-maddie , marching up [the stairs]_{244-the stairs} toward [her]_26-maddie , set on turning [her]_26-maddie right around and sending [her]_26-maddie back to [the bedroom]_{302-the bedroom} in disgrace . [Her]_26-maddie eyes follow [me]_0-i all the way until [I]_0-i ’m before [her]_26-maddie , [her]_26-maddie face plain confused . “ What deal ? ”_[26-maddie] “ [You]_26-maddie wear what [I]_0-i tell [you]_26-maddie to wear . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i take [her]_26-maddie shoulders to turn [her]_26-maddie , but get shrugged off on a scoff . [She]_26-maddie ’s off down [the stairs]_{244-the stairs} before [I]_0-i ’ve realized [she]_26-maddie ’s missing from [my]_0-i grasp , leaving [me]_0-i [a big bag of incredulous man at the top]_{994-a big bag of incredulous man at the top} . “ [I]_26-maddie ’m changing the deal , ”_[26-maddie] [she]_26-maddie calls , fixing an earring in [her]_26-maddie ear as [she]_26-maddie goes . Excuse [me]_0-i ? [I]_0-i fly off down [the stairs]_{244-the stairs} after [her]_26-maddie . “ [You]_26-maddie ca n’t change the deal . ”_[0-i] “ [I]_26-maddie just did . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie disappears into [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} as [I]_0-i round the bottom of [the stairs]_{244-the stairs} at one hundred miles an hour , skidding [my]_0-i way around the corner after [her]_26-maddie . [I]_0-i find [her]_26-maddie collecting [her]_26-maddie purse off [the island]_{2099-the island} . [Her]_26-maddie face is begging [me]_0-i to challenge [her]_26-maddie . Oh , [I]_0-i challenge . Does n’t [she]_26-maddie know [me]_0-i at all ? [My]_0-i brain spasms at that thought , and [I]_0-i boot it away before [I]_0-i can spend too much time agonizing over the fact that [she]_26-maddie does n’t at the moment . Well , [she]_26-maddie soon will . “ The dress goes . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie lifts [her]_26-maddie dress even higher up [her]_26-maddie thigh , and [I]_0-i recoil at [her]_26-maddie sheer insolence . And cheek . And bravery . “ The dress is staying . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie looks down [herself]_26-maddie again . “ It pulls [me]_26-maddie in at all the right places . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie does n’t need pulling in . What [she]_26-maddie needs is a dress at least a foot longer . Ordinarily , [she]_26-maddie knows [I]_0-i ca n’t be held responsible for [my]_0-i actions if [some stupid prick]_{997-some stupid prick} makes an inappropriate or rude remark , and the chance of that happening when [she]_26-maddie ’s wearing a dress like this is multiplied by a million . “ What are [you]_2589-you gon na do , anyway ? ”_[26-maddie] Another challenge , and [I]_0-i have to stop [myself]_0-i from laughing . “ [You]_2589-you really should n’t ask [me]_0-i that question . [I]_0-i ’m not above doing it again . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i walk over to the drawer and pull it open , searching through the utensils . Give [me]_0-i strength , that dress barely covers [her]_26-maddie arse . “ The scissors are in the other drawer , ”_[26-maddie] [she]_26-maddie says , so matter - of - factly , almost casually . “ What ? ”_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i nearly chop [my]_0-i fingers off when [I]_0-i slam the drawer shut , swinging around to face [her]_26-maddie . How did [she]_26-maddie know [I]_0-i was searching for the scissors ? Looking a little blank , [she]_26-maddie lifts [her]_26-maddie arm and points to a drawer . “ That one . ”_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i ’m no longer shaking with anger , [I]_0-i ’m shaking with excitement , but [I]_0-i force [myself]_0-i into something close to nonchalance . It ’s fucking hard . This is colossal . [I]_0-i move slowly toward the drawer and place [my]_0-i hand on it , never removing [my]_0-i eyes from [hers]_26-maddie . “ This one ? ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie nods and [I]_0-i pull it open , blindly reaching inside for the scissors . Pulling them out , [I]_0-i calmly shut the drawer . And [she]_26-maddie frowns . “ Why are [you]_2590-you looking for the scissors , anyway ? ”_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i refuse to let [her]_26-maddie sudden confusion beat [me]_0-i down . What just happened was another glimmer of hope . Lifting them in the air , [I]_0-i point them at the offending red dress and snip the air . “ Are [you]_2590-you going to remove the dress , or am [I]_0-i cutting it off ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i tilt [my]_0-i head , a little serious , but mostly playfully . Truth be told , [I]_0-i ’d let [her]_26-maddie wear the dress now . [My]_0-i mood has changed considerably . [Comprehension]_{119-comprehension} slams into [her]_26-maddie , [her]_26-maddie jaw dropping . “ Oh [my]_{119-comprehension} God , [you]_{119-comprehension} cut off [my]_{119-comprehension} dress ? ”_{[119-comprehension]} [Her]_26-maddie hands come to the sides of [her]_26-maddie head and press against [her]_26-maddie temples , like [she]_26-maddie could be trying to squeeze the memory to the front . “ What kind of unreasonable arsehole are [you]_{119-comprehension} ? ”_[26-maddie] “ The one [you]_{119-comprehension} love , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i declare , walking forward , snip - snipping at the air , a cunning smirk pulling at [my]_0-i lips . “ Remove the dress . ”_[26-maddie] “ Fuck [you]_{119-comprehension} , [Jesse]_454-jesse . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie ’s absolutely outraged . It ’s sweetly reminiscent . “ [Jesus]_26-maddie , did [I]_26-maddie actually let [you]_{119-comprehension} do that ? ”_[26-maddie] “ Yes . [You]_{119-comprehension} were too distracted by all [my]_26-maddie handsome glory to notice what [I]_26-maddie was doing until it was too late . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie snorts . “ [I]_26-maddie ’ve never met such [an egomaniac]_{2591-an egomaniac} . ”_[26-maddie] “ Yes , [you]_{119-comprehension} have . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i continue to stalk forward , ready to pounce when [she]_26-maddie bolts . “ And [you]_{119-comprehension} married [him]_{2591-an egomaniac} . ”_[0-i] “ [I]_0-i must have been mad . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i take no offense , do n’t let [her]_26-maddie claim faze [me]_0-i , since there ’s absolutely no conviction in [her]_26-maddie tone . Just lust . “ Crazy mad , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i whisper , smiling when [she]_26-maddie starts taking steps back , trying to keep some distance between [us]_998-us . “ Crazy mad , ”_[26-maddie] [she]_26-maddie murmurs in reply , [her]_26-maddie eyes clouding over with a ton of desire . “ [You]_26-maddie are [the crazy - mad one]_26-maddie . ”_[26-maddie] [Her]_26-maddie arse meets the worktop , [her]_26-maddie retreat blocked . [I]_0-i reach [her]_26-maddie and press [my]_0-i front to [hers]_26-maddie , dipping to put [my]_0-i mouth at [her]_26-maddie ear . “ Take it off . ”_[0-i] “ No . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie ’s being defiant for the sake of it , playing the game . [She]_26-maddie knows one way or another this dress is coming off . “ [You]_2592-you ’re heading for a Retribution Fuck . ”_[26-maddie] Startled , [she]_26-maddie looks up at [me]_0-i , [my]_0-i promise snapping [her]_26-maddie out of [her]_26-maddie trance . [I]_0-i immediately kick [myself]_0-i . Too much ? [Ava]_238-ava laughs somewhere between bewilderment and amusement . “ What the hell is a Retribution Fuck ? ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i feel heat in [my]_0-i cheeks , and [she]_26-maddie has n’t missed it , [her]_26-maddie gaze jumping from [my]_0-i bristly face to [my]_0-i eyes . There are so many mind - bending things for [her]_26-maddie to get [her]_26-maddie head around . The time has come to address the fucks . While the styles of fucks [I]_0-i lay on [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie were perfectly understood between [us]_1000-us , [I]_0-i never imagined what it must sound like to [a stranger]_{1001-a stranger} . And , right now , painfully , [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie is practically [a stranger]_{1001-a stranger} . Great . So [we]_1000-us ’re going to have a conversation about fucks . Why did n’t [I]_0-i keep [my]_0-i stupid mouth shut and focus on getting that dress off ? [I]_0-i take in air , wary of [her]_26-maddie half smile . [She]_26-maddie might not be smiling in a minute . “ Want to sit down ? ”_[26-maddie] “ Do [I]_26-maddie need to ? ”_[26-maddie] “ Probably , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i admit , reluctantly moving from [her]_26-maddie path . [She]_26-maddie moves across to the chair and slowly lowers , [her]_26-maddie eyes always on [me]_0-i . “ So , the Retribution Fuck ? ”_[26-maddie] “ It ’s like a punishment , [I]_0-i guess . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i shrug and put the stupid scissors away . [She]_26-maddie looks horrified , and every reason for [me]_0-i to be worried about this conversation is confirmed . “ [You]_0-i punish [me]_26-maddie ? ”_[26-maddie] “ Yes , but [you]_0-i like it . ”_[26-maddie] “ [I]_26-maddie like being punished ? ”_[26-maddie] Damn it . How can [I]_0-i explain this so it makes any sense at all ? “ It ’s a game , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i start , having a quick nibble on [my]_0-i lip before [I]_0-i go on . “ A power play . [You]_0-i ’ve always humored [me]_0-i . ”_[0-i] Fucking hell , what do [I]_0-i sound like ? “ The handcuffs … ”_[26-maddie] [Her]_26-maddie neck recoils sharply , and [she]_26-maddie hisses , reaching for [her]_26-maddie head on a wince . Guilt tears [me]_0-i up inside , and [I]_0-i move in to ease [her]_26-maddie , but come to an abrupt halt when [she]_26-maddie raises [her]_26-maddie hand , warning [me]_0-i off . “ Handcuffs ? Again with the handcuffs . [You]_0-i did n’t just use [them]_2593-them as a gimmick on [our]_2594-our wedding day ? ”_[26-maddie] Fucking hell . [I]_0-i shrug sheepishly . “ It ’s all part of the game . ”_[0-i] [Ava]_238-ava looks away , [her]_238-ava hand still on [her]_238-ava head , rubbing lightly . “ Who has the power ? ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava murmurs meekly . Another jolt of life sparks within [me]_0-i , and [I]_0-i quickly put [myself]_0-i on the stool in front of [her]_238-ava , taking [her]_238-ava hands from [her]_238-ava head and holding them firmly . “ [Me]_0-i . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i swap [her]_238-ava hands for [her]_238-ava cheeks and plant a kiss on [her]_238-ava lips . “ Always [me]_0-i . ”_[0-i] “ But something tells [me]_238-ava it ’s actually [me]_238-ava , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava says against [my]_0-i lips , and [I]_0-i smile like [a madman]_{1002-a madman} , because [she]_238-ava ’s right . “ [You]_238-ava keep telling [yourself]_238-ava that , [lady]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i rub [her]_238-ava nose with [mine]_0-i . “ So [you]_238-ava punish [me]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava takes [my]_0-i hands from [her]_238-ava cheeks and interlaces [our]_1003-our fingers . “ What for ? ”_[238-ava] “ Not doing as [you]_238-ava ’re told . And sometimes [I]_238-ava utilize the Reminder Fuck , just to remind [you]_238-ava of [[your]_238-ava place]_{2595-your place} . ”_[238-ava] Eyes wider still , [she]_238-ava just stares at [me]_0-i . “ The Retribution . The Reminder . All sounds lovely . ”_[238-ava] The sarcasm in [her]_238-ava tone is potent . “ What other fucks do [we]_1003-our have ? ”_[238-ava] “ [I]_238-ava think [[your]_238-ava favorite]_{2596-your favorite} is the Truth . ”_[238-ava] “ Why ? ”_[238-ava] “ Well , [you]_238-ava get to handcuff [me]_0-i , usually when [I]_0-i ’m asleep . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i scowl at [her]_238-ava . [I]_0-i ca n’t help it . “ And [you]_238-ava use [your]_238-ava position of power to extract information from [me]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava eyebrow lifts , [her]_238-ava eyes looking [me]_0-i up and down . [She]_238-ava ’s imagining restraining [me]_0-i . It ’s both thrilling and terrifying . Especially when there ’s so much more about [us]_1004-us for [her]_238-ava to learn . [I]_0-i decide here and now that , in actual fact , [I]_0-i ’d hate it if [Ava]_238-ava laid a Truth Fuck on [me]_0-i again . [I]_0-i make a mental note to find the cuffs and hide them somewhere [she]_238-ava ’ll never find [them]_1005-them . “ Then there ’s the Apology , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i continue . “ Who ’s apologizing ? ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava asks quickly , though [I]_0-i know [she]_238-ava knows . “ [You]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] “ What for ? ”_[238-ava] “ Usually being defiant . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava laughs again . “ Like wearing an unsuitable dress ? ”_[238-ava] “ Exactly like that . ”_[238-ava] “ So are [you]_238-ava going to make [me]_238-ava apologize ? ”_[238-ava] Jesus , [I]_0-i ’d love nothing more . [My]_0-i dick is screaming at [me]_0-i to let [her]_238-ava . “ [I]_0-i ’m not sure [you]_238-ava ’re up for that just yet . ”_[0-i] “ Why ? What do [you]_238-ava make [me]_238-ava do ? ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava face is becoming more horrified by the second . Make [her]_238-ava ? [I]_0-i do n’t make [her]_238-ava do a damn thing . Would n’t dream of it . [My]_0-i lips press together . Jesus Christ , [I]_0-i must sound like a monster . [I]_0-i cough and glance down at [my]_0-i groin , and [Ava]_238-ava flies up from [her]_238-ava stool . “ Are [you]_238-ava fucking kidding [me]_238-ava , [Ward]_454-jesse ? ”_[238-ava] More sparks , more life . [She]_238-ava called [me]_0-i [Ward]_454-jesse . [She]_238-ava only ever calls [me]_0-i that when [she]_238-ava ’s spitting mad with [me]_0-i . And what do [I]_0-i do when [she]_238-ava swears ? “ Watch [your]_238-ava fucking mouth ! ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i bellow , knocking [her]_238-ava back a few steps with the force . “ Fuck off ! ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava snaps , stomping off out of [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} . Shit , [I]_0-i love [her]_238-ava so fucking much . [I]_0-i go after [her]_238-ava , hearing [her]_238-ava indignant huffs and puffs as [she]_238-ava stamps up [the stairs]_{244-the stairs} . “ [Ava]_238-ava , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i call , running up behind [her]_238-ava , three steps at a time . “ Fuck [you]_238-ava ! [You]_238-ava ’re a hypocritical wanker , [Ward]_454-jesse . Watch [my]_0-i mouth ? Why do n’t [you]_238-ava watch [yours]_238-ava ! ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i notice a small limp in [her]_238-ava last few steps . “ [You]_238-ava called [me]_0-i [Ward]_454-jesse ! ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i rush to explain , and [she]_238-ava stops . “ [You]_238-ava always call [me]_238-ava [Ward]_454-jesse when [you]_238-ava ’re cranky with [me]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava slowly turns , [her]_238-ava thoughtful face coming into sight . “ [I]_238-ava imagine [I]_238-ava call [you]_238-ava Ward all the time , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava mutters . “ A few times a day , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i admit , [my]_0-i shoulders jumping up casually . “ Mostly [you]_238-ava humor [my]_0-i needy side . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i extend [my]_0-i hand from a few steps below [her]_238-ava , resigning [myself]_0-i to the fact that , today , the dress can stay . [She]_238-ava just better hold [me]_0-i back if [some pervert]_{1008-some pervert} has a wandering eye . “ And the thing [I]_238-ava need most of all is [you]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava body softens , [her]_238-ava sigh definitely dreamy . “ And then [you]_238-ava ’re all romantic . ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i smile , and [I]_0-i know it ’s shy . “ [I]_0-i ’ve been known to have [my]_0-i moments . ”_[0-i] “ Like ? ”_[238-ava] The interest in [her]_238-ava voice thrills [me]_0-i . [She]_238-ava ’s craving information , and [I]_0-i ’m more than happy to give it . “ [We]_2597-we have romantic fucks too , [you]_238-ava know . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava laughs lightly . “ Well that ’s a relief . ”_[238-ava] “ There ’s sleepy twilight sex . And sleepy sex . And the Compromise Fuck . [We]_2597-we had loads of those when [you]_238-ava were expecting [the twins]_{2012-the twins} . ”_[238-ava] “ And what does a Compromise Fuck entail ? ”_[238-ava] “ A little rough , a lot of gentle . And , for the record , [lady]_238-ava , [you]_238-ava were the one who wanted the rough . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i nod when [she]_238-ava huffs a light breeze of surprised laughter . “ And then there ’s the Quiet Fuck . Usually when [we]_2597-we ’ve stayed at [[your]_238-ava parents]_{329-your parents} ’ . ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava light laughter turns quickly into hard laughter . “ [You]_238-ava gag [me]_238-ava , do n’t [you]_238-ava ? ”_[238-ava] “ [You]_238-ava ca n’t keep [your]_238-ava pleasure quiet , [Ava]_238-ava . What can [I]_0-i say ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i shrug around a cocky grin , and [she]_238-ava shakes [her]_238-ava head in dismay . “ Go on , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava urges . [I]_0-i take a step up , bringing [us]_1009-us to eye level . “ The Proposal Fuck was quite romantic . ”_[0-i] “ [You]_238-ava asked [me]_238-ava to marry [you]_238-ava during sex ? ”_[238-ava] “ Actually , [you]_238-ava were handcuffed to the bed and [I]_238-ava did n’t release [you]_238-ava until [you]_238-ava accepted . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava ’s now on the verge of falling to [her]_238-ava arse in amusement . [I]_0-i know it ’s a lot to take on board . But at least [she]_238-ava ’s laughing and not raging anymore . “ [I]_238-ava ca n’t believe what [I]_238-ava ’m hearing . ”_[238-ava] “ Believe it , [baby]_194-kate . But if it makes [you]_194-kate feel better , [I]_238-ava did propose again . On [my]_238-ava knee . In front of [[your]_194-kate parents]_{2182-her parents} . ”_[238-ava] Satisfaction flourishes before [my]_0-i very eyes . [She]_238-ava looks dreamy , one hand moving to [her]_238-ava chest . This pleases [her]_238-ava . [I]_0-i know how much [[her]_238-ava parents]_{2182-her parents} ’ opinion means to [her]_238-ava . [I]_0-i try to behave around [them]_{2182-her parents} . [I]_0-i try real hard . [I]_0-i do n’t always succeed , but still . It ’s the thought that counts . “ It was [my]_238-ava birthday . [You]_2601-you could n’t say no . ”_[238-ava] A smile pulls at the side of [her]_238-ava mouth . “ And how old were [you]_2601-you ? ”_[238-ava] “ Twenty - five . ”_[238-ava] Softly chuckling , [she]_238-ava glances away , clearly coming to terms with all of this . [Her]_238-ava life . [My]_0-i life . [Our]_1011-our life . “ Wait . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava looks back to [me]_0-i . “ Why did [you]_2601-you propose twice ? ”_[238-ava] All the contentment flowing through [my]_0-i veins turns to acid , [my]_0-i lips forming a straight , annoyed line . [I]_0-i ’m not annoyed with [her]_238-ava , more with [myself]_0-i . “ [We]_2602-we ’d had a disagreement . ”_[0-i] “ Really ? [I]_238-ava ca n’t imagine what there could have been for [us]_2602-we to disagree about . ”_[238-ava] There it is . That sarcasm . “ Sarcasm — ”_[238-ava] “ Does n’t suit [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i know . Why did [you]_2601-you propose twice ? ”_[0-i] “ Can [we]_2602-we get back to the fucks ? ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava head tilts in impatience . “ Tell [me]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i ca n’t go over this again , and [I]_0-i ’m not afraid to tell [her]_238-ava so . “ It does n’t matter . Just know [I]_238-ava punished [myself]_238-ava and [you]_2601-you punished [me]_238-ava , too . ”_[238-ava] Comprehension dawns fast , and [she]_238-ava flinches , as if [she]_238-ava could be being hit with the motherfucking whip in [her]_238-ava mind . “ So [you]_2601-you cheated on [me]_238-ava when [we]_1012-we were engaged ? ”_[238-ava] “ [God]_373-god , no ! ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i blurt , disgusted by the suggestion . Give [me]_0-i strength . [I]_0-i wo n’t insult [her]_238-ava and tell [her]_238-ava [we]_1012-we barely knew each other , nor will [I]_0-i argue [my]_0-i case in any way . It ’s done . [I]_0-i ca n’t change it . [I]_0-i hate [myself]_0-i every day for it , but it ’s done . “ [You]_2601-you found out when [we]_1012-we were engaged . That ’s why [I]_0-i proposed to [you]_2601-you again . Properly . [I]_0-i was trying to show [you]_2601-you that [I]_0-i could be [the man [you]_2601-you needed]_{2603-the man you needed} , as well as [the man [you]_2601-you wanted]_{2603-the man you needed} . ”_[0-i] “ Oh ”_[238-ava] is [her]_238-ava only acknowledgment . Good . Let ’s move on . On to the most utilized fuck in [our]_1012-we lives . “ The Danger Fuck is [our]_1012-we favorite these days . ”_[0-i] “ What ’s that ? ”_[0-i] “ When [the kids]_{2010-the kids} are within a mile radius . ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava smile ’s back . And so is [mine]_0-i . “ Can [we]_1012-we go for dinner now ? ”_[238-ava] “ Depends . ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava nose lifts , and [she]_238-ava waits for [me]_0-i to ask for confirmation of what exactly [our]_1012-we date depends on . [I]_0-i do n’t need to ask . On a dramatic roll of [my]_0-i eyes , [I]_0-i pick [her]_238-ava up , mindful of that limp , and carry [her]_238-ava down [the stairs]_{244-the stairs} . “ [You]_238-ava can wear the stupid fucking dress . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava grins , victorious , and loops [her]_238-ava hands over [my]_0-i neck . “ Was n’t so hard , was it ? ”_[238-ava] “ [We]_1012-we ’ve not left [the house]_{2056-the house} yet . And [you]_238-ava should have worn flats instead of heels . [I]_238-ava saw [you]_238-ava limping . ”_[238-ava] “ [I]_238-ava was n’t limping . ”_[238-ava] “ Are [you]_238-ava arguing with [me]_238-ava ? ”_[238-ava] “ Yes . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i wrinkle [my]_0-i nose and nuzzle [hers]_238-ava . “ Are [you]_238-ava wearing lace under that red thing ? ”_[0-i] “ [I]_0-i did n’t have much choice . There ’s nothing but lace in [my]_0-i knicker drawer . ”_[0-i] “ Good . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i carry [her]_238-ava out and put [her]_238-ava in [my]_0-i Aston , pulling the belt across [her]_238-ava body . [She]_238-ava does n’t protest , just lets [me]_0-i do [my]_0-i thing and buckle [her]_238-ava up . “ [We]_2606-we ’re late , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i muse , checking [my]_0-i Rolex as [I]_0-i shut the door and round [the car]_{2161-the car} . Falling into [the driver]_{927-the driver} ’s seat , [I]_0-i start [her]_238-ava up and rev a few times . “ That ’s [your]_2607-your fault for having so many fucks to explain . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava goes to the mirror and applies a little gloss to [her]_238-ava lips . “ Which was [your]_2607-your favorite , by the way ? ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i laugh , loud and sharp as [I]_0-i put the stereo on and [Glass Animals]_{120-glass animals} ’ “ Youth ”_{[120-glass animals]} fills [the car]_{2161-the car} . “ All except the Truth . ”_{[120-glass animals]} [I]_0-i turn up the volume and zoom off , reminding [myself]_0-i to find those handcuffs and hide [them]_1016-them . Chapter 27 As expected , [the gang]_{984-the gang} is waiting for [us]_1018-us when [we]_1018-us arrive , all sitting around a table in [the corner]_{1019-the corner} , two spaces left for [me]_0-i and [Ava]_238-ava . As soon as [Kate]_194-kate spots [us]_1018-us , [she]_194-kate scrambles up from [her]_194-kate chair and takes [Ava]_238-ava in a hug , getting as close as [her]_238-ava baby bump will allow . “ So good to see [you]_238-ava . ”_[194-kate] “ [We]_1018-us ’re still young in [my]_238-ava head . ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava sighs , and [Kate]_194-kate starts giggling . “ How ’s yoga going ? ”_[194-kate] “ Great . [I]_0-i met [a girl]_{2026-a girl} , [Zara]_116-zara — [she]_{2026-a girl} ’s so lovely — and [she]_{2026-a girl} mentioned that the firm [she]_{2026-a girl} works for is always looking for [new interior designers]_{2609-new interior designers} . [I]_0-i might look into it . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i scowl . Over [my]_0-i dead body . “ That ’s fab , ”_[194-kate] [Kate]_194-kate says , flicking [me]_0-i a cautious look as [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie pulls away and tugs that ridiculous dress down [her]_26-maddie thighs . [I]_0-i scowl again , this time at the racy red number , wondering what [I]_0-i was thinking letting [her]_26-maddie wear it , and pull out [Ava]_238-ava ’s chair . “ Sit , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i order , earning a collection of incredulous looks from all angles of the table . “ Please , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i add through [my]_0-i ticking jaw . [Ava]_238-ava lowers to the seat , the tension obviously thick , not because of [my]_0-i beef with the dress , and not because [she]_238-ava ’s talking about a job [she]_238-ava is n’t going to be applying for . It ’s the first time [the guys]_{1021-the guys} have seen [Ava]_238-ava since the accident . [Sam]_50-sam , [Drew]_53-drew , and [Raya]_54-raya all look a bit nervous , [none of [them]_{1021-the guys}]_{1022-none of them} obviously knowing what to say to [her]_54-raya . [Ava]_238-ava must sense it , because [she]_238-ava flicks [me]_0-i a nervous look and then sighs , returning [her]_238-ava attention back to [[our]_1023-our quiet friends]_{1024-our quiet friends} . “ Nice to meet [you]_{1024-our quiet friends} , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava chirps . [The guys]_{1021-the guys} laugh , and the tension lessens as a result of [her]_238-ava joke . “ Drinks ? ”_{[1021-the guys]} [I]_0-i flick [my]_0-i arm in the air , summoning [a waiter]_{1025-the waiter} . [Everyone]_121-everyone throws [their]_121-everyone orders at [me]_0-i for alcohol , excluding [Kate]_194-kate , but including [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie . [I]_0-i do n’t think so . “ Water , please , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i tell [the waiter]_{1025-the waiter} as [I]_0-i indicate to [Kate]_194-kate and [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie . “ For [me]_0-i , too . And wine for [Raya]_54-raya . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i nod across to [her]_26-maddie . “ Make it a bottle , ”_[53-drew] [Drew]_53-drew pipes in quietly . [Ava]_238-ava ’s hand meets [my]_0-i forearm as [she]_238-ava leans across , speaking quietly . “ [I]_238-ava ’d like wine . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava thinks [I]_0-i did n’t hear [her]_238-ava . [I]_0-i heard [her]_238-ava perfectly . Louder than [everyone else who virtually shouted [their]_{1027-everyone else who virtually shouted their order to me} order to [me]_0-i]_{1027-everyone else who virtually shouted their order to me} . Smiling tightly at [the waiter]_{1025-the waiter} , who ’s paused scribbling on [his]_{1025-the waiter} pad , looking at [me]_0-i , [I]_0-i turn toward [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie . “ [You]_26-maddie ’re not having it . ”_[26-maddie] [My]_0-i tone is a warning , and [she]_26-maddie would do well to take notice . As [I]_0-i slowly swivel back toward [the waiter]_{1025-the waiter} , [I]_0-i catch the faces of [[our]_1030-our friends]_{1031-our friends} . [All of [them]_{1031-our friends}]_{1031-our friends} are silent . Watching . Nervous . “ Water , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i reiterate , taking [my]_0-i napkin and laying it across [my]_0-i lap . Silence . Eyes dodging [me]_0-i and [Ava]_238-ava . Awkward vibes . [I]_0-i start chewing [my]_0-i lip , peeking out of the corner of [my]_0-i eye . The look of pure disgust on [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie ’s face actually makes [me]_0-i wince . Shit , [she]_26-maddie looks livid . “ [You]_26-maddie ’d better order [me]_26-maddie some wine , [Ward]_454-jesse . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie comes close , eyes full of fire , making [me]_0-i slowly lean back . [I]_0-i hear [Sam]_50-sam cough through a laugh , and [Drew]_53-drew snorts . [Wankers]_122-wankers . [They]_122-wankers should be backing [me]_0-i up . [She]_26-maddie just came out the other side of a horrific car incident . [She]_26-maddie ’s not at full health . Drinking alcohol would be daft , and it would be highly irresponsible for [me]_0-i to let [her]_26-maddie . “ Now , ”_[26-maddie] [she]_26-maddie adds on a growl that rivals [mine]_0-i . “ It ’s not safe , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i argue quietly . “ The last thing [you]_26-maddie need is alcohol fuzzing [your]_26-maddie already pickled mind . ”_[26-maddie] “ [Pickled]_123-pickled ? ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie coughs over [my]_0-i lame choice of word . “ [My]_26-maddie mind is n’t pickled , [Jesse]_454-jesse . Order [me]_26-maddie some wine , or so help [me]_26-maddie [God]_373-god … ”_[26-maddie] “ So help [you]_26-maddie God what ? ”_[26-maddie] “ [I]_26-maddie … [I]_26-maddie do n’t know . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie stutters over a few more words before clearly finding the one [she]_26-maddie ’s looking for . “ [Divorce]_124-divorce , ”_[26-maddie] [she]_26-maddie spits scathingly . The whole table gasps , [me]_0-i the loudest , and [Ava]_238-ava shoots [[our]_1032-our friends]_{1031-our friends} a surprised look . “ What ? ”_[194-kate] [Kate]_194-kate shakes [her]_194-kate head mildly , warningly , and [Sam]_50-sam blows out [his]_50-sam cheeks . “ Red flag . [Bull]_125-bull on the loose . That ’s all [I]_50-sam ’m saying . ”_[50-sam] [He]_50-sam disappears into [his]_50-sam glass , while [I]_0-i fight to maintain [my]_0-i temper before it sends [me]_0-i off around [the restaurant]_{1034-the restaurant} in a whirlwind . Divorce ? That damn fucking word is banned from [our]_1032-our lives . “ Well . ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava shrugs , nonchalant , though [I]_0-i can sense [her]_238-ava buried wariness . “ [I]_238-ava only want a glass of wine . ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i can feel the pressure in [my]_0-i head building , [my]_0-i body rolling where [I]_0-i sit . “ Oh , here [we]_1032-our go , ”_[53-drew] [Drew]_53-drew says quietly , taking [his]_50-sam glass , as if it could protect [him]_50-sam from the imminent explosion . [I]_0-i bolt forward in [my]_0-i chair . “ Take that back , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i demand . [She]_238-ava flies forward , too , matching [my]_0-i threat , the defiant thing that [she]_238-ava is . “ Order [me]_238-ava wine . ”_[238-ava] “ No . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava quickly has hold of [my]_0-i jaw , squeezing hard . “ Do it . ”_[238-ava] A staring deadlock that would put all others that have come before to shame holds [us]_1035-us in [our]_1035-us positions for what seems like forever . [I]_0-i ’m mad , so fucking mad , but deep inside , past that madness , is happiness . [She]_238-ava ’s always known when to let [me]_0-i win , and now is n’t one of those times . [She]_238-ava ’s finding [her]_238-ava feet . Getting to know [us]_1035-us . It takes a lot . A fucking lot , but … “ Fine . [You]_2610-you can have one glass , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i relent , thinking [she]_238-ava ’s on to [a good one]_{1036-a good one} and [she]_238-ava better appreciate it . “ [We]_1035-us ’ll see . ”_[238-ava] “ [We]_1035-us will , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i agree , prying [her]_238-ava fingers from [my]_0-i jaw , maintaining [my]_0-i glare . “ Are [you]_2610-you done ? ”_[194-kate] [Kate]_194-kate sighs , accepting the bottle of white when [the waiter]_{1025-the waiter} approaches , making quick work of pouring for [Raya]_54-raya , and then [Ava]_238-ava before [I]_0-i change [my]_0-i mind . [She]_238-ava does n’t miss [my]_0-i eye on the side of [Ava]_238-ava ’s glass , watching the level . “ Though [I]_194-kate have to say , ”_[194-kate] [Kate]_194-kate goes on , nodding at [Ava]_238-ava to seize the goods before it ’s swiped away by [the madman]_{1038-the madman} sitting next to [her]_194-kate , “ it ’s kind of nice to see [you]_54-raya ’re still [you]_54-raya . ”_[194-kate] Toasting [us]_1039-us across the table , [she]_238-ava sips [her]_238-ava water . “ So when ’s the wedding ? ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava asks [Raya]_54-raya , pulling the table back to some light chitchat . [My]_0-i glare hardens when [she]_238-ava takes [her]_238-ava glass and peeks at [me]_0-i on a hidden grin as [she]_238-ava takes [her]_238-ava first sip . [She]_238-ava ’ll pay for that . [I]_0-i put [myself]_0-i into the conversation , but [my]_0-i attention is never far from [Ava]_238-ava ’s wineglass . It ’s been weeks since [she]_238-ava had a drink , and [we]_1039-us need to be careful of any reaction with the meds [she]_238-ava ’s on . A few sips will be like a few bottles . “ Excuse [me]_238-ava , ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava announces as [she]_238-ava stands . “ [I]_238-ava need [the ladies]_{2611-the ladies} . ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i sit up straight , contemplating escorting [her]_238-ava as [she]_238-ava leaves [us]_1039-us . Is that a limp ? Or is it a drunken wobble ? [I]_0-i do n’t know , and [I]_0-i need to be sure . Either way , [she]_238-ava could do with [my]_0-i help . [I]_0-i make to stand . “ [Jesse]_454-jesse , ”_[194-kate] [Kate]_194-kate calls across the table . “ Leave [her]_238-ava . ”_[194-kate] “ But — ”_[238-ava] “ Leave . [Her]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava order is almost a warning . Like [I]_0-i ’d ever take any notice . Except this time [I]_0-i do . [I]_0-i do n’t know why , but [I]_0-i do . [My]_0-i eyes pass from the table to [Ava]_238-ava ’s back a few times as [she]_238-ava gets farther and farther away from [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i ’m so torn . “ [I]_50-sam ’d listen , ”_[50-sam] [Sam]_50-sam says , pointing to [[his]_50-sam girlfriend]_263-argh ’s pregnant belly with [his]_50-sam beer . “ Honestly , [man]_263-argh . [I]_50-sam ’d listen . ”_[50-sam] “ What if [she]_194-kate stumbles ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say to [Kate]_194-kate , a clear vivid flashback of [her]_194-kate delicate head coming into [my]_0-i mind . There ’s blood . Lots of blood . [I]_0-i wince . “ [She]_194-kate ’s had one glass of wine . Now , sit . ”_[0-i] “ Come on , [Jesse]_454-jesse . ”_[53-drew] [Drew]_53-drew joins in the persuasion party . “ Know [your]_454-jesse limits , [mate]_263-argh . ”_[53-drew] [I]_0-i drop to the chair with a thud . “ [I]_0-i know fuck all anymore , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i admit , [my]_0-i head finding [my]_0-i hands . “ [I]_0-i do n’t know if [she]_194-kate ’ll ever remember [me]_0-i , [the kids]_{2010-the kids} , [our]_{2010-the kids} life . [I]_0-i know nothing , and it ’s breaking [my]_0-i fucking heart . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i will [myself]_0-i not to cry , try so fucking hard , but that one traitorous tear drops to the table , seeming to make a bang when it lands on the cloth . [My]_0-i strength is waning . [I]_0-i ’m finally crumbling for [everyone]_283-everyone to see . [Kate]_194-kate ’s next to [me]_0-i in a heartbeat , followed quickly by [Raya]_54-raya on the other side . [Two women]_{2421-two women} rushing to comfort [the big baby]_{1043-the big baby} . “ Do n’t let [your]_{1043-the big baby} frustration beat [you]_{1043-the big baby} , ”_[54-raya] [Raya]_54-raya tells [me]_0-i , nudging [my]_0-i shoulder playfully . “ There ’s no way [she]_194-kate could forget what [you]_{1043-the big baby} two have . Not forever . ”_[54-raya] “ Are [you]_{1043-the big baby} being over the top ? ”_[194-kate] [Kate]_194-kate pipes in , spiking light laughter from [[my]_0-i supposed best mates]_{1044-my supposed best mates} . “ Smothering [her]_194-kate ? ”_[194-kate] “ No , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i assure [her]_194-kate . “ [Jesus]_26-maddie , [I]_0-i ’m sleeping in the spare bed . [I]_0-i even let [her]_194-kate wear that fucking ridiculous dress . And now [she]_194-kate ’s drinking wine when [I]_0-i really do n’t think [she]_194-kate should be . So [you]_26-maddie ca n’t tell [me]_0-i [I]_0-i ’m being too suffocating . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i leave out the rampage [I]_0-i went on yesterday when [she]_194-kate went missing . [They]_1045-they do n’t need to know that bit . [I]_0-i sniff and grab [my]_0-i water , so wishing [I]_0-i could swap it for something stronger . A lot stronger . “ [She]_194-kate ’ll get there . Keep at it , ”_[50-sam] [Sam]_50-sam offers on a rare smile of support . “ Yeah . ”_[50-sam] [I]_0-i swallow down [my]_0-i frustration and straighten [myself]_0-i out . What the fuck has gotten into [me]_0-i ? Blubbering like [a baby in front of [friends]_2054-friends]_{1046-a baby in front of friends} . “ Here [she]_194-kate is . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i brush at [my]_0-i eyes quickly as [Kate]_194-kate and [Raya]_54-raya return to [their]_1045-they chairs . “ Do n’t worry , ”_[53-drew] [Drew]_53-drew says . “ [We]_1045-they wo n’t tell [her]_194-kate [you]_2613-you ’ve been crying . ”_[53-drew] “ Fuck [you]_2613-you , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i spit . “ [I]_53-drew do believe [you]_2613-you bawled one time when [you]_2613-you thought a certain blonde had fucked off to [Australia]_16-australia and left [your]_2613-you sadistic arse . ”_[53-drew] [Drew]_53-drew shrivels on the spot , and [Raya]_54-raya chuckles . “ How cute . ”_[54-raya] [I]_0-i pull out [Ava]_238-ava ’s chair , and [she]_238-ava graciously accepts , looking at [me]_0-i as [she]_238-ava lowers . “ Okay ? ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i tug [her]_238-ava closer , and [she]_238-ava leans in , naturally coming until [my]_0-i lips are pressed to [her]_238-ava cheek . “ [I]_238-ava ’m sorry , ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i breathe across [her]_238-ava skin . “ [I]_238-ava worry , that ’s all . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava pulls back and smiles softly , reaching for [my]_0-i cheek and caressing it lightly . “ [I]_238-ava have [you]_238-ava with [me]_238-ava , so [I]_238-ava ’ll be fine , right ? ”_[238-ava] Never have those words sounded so comforting . Whether [she]_238-ava ’s saying [them]_1048-them because [she]_238-ava ’s learning fast once again that [I]_0-i need to hear them is a moot point . “ Right , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i confirm . “ [We]_2614-we need to make [friends]_2054-friends . Kiss [me]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava does n’t question [my]_0-i order . And [I]_0-i know it ’s instinct rather than [her]_238-ava being wise or trying to pacify [me]_0-i . [Her]_238-ava kiss is just a lingering peck , only light , but still . [I]_0-i ’m swallowed whole , caught in the moment . Until a cough interrupts [my]_0-i bliss . Peeking across the table , [I]_0-i find [everyone]_283-everyone watching [us]_1050-us . Waiting . Smiling . [Ava]_238-ava starts faffing with [her]_238-ava napkin as [I]_0-i return to [my]_0-i chair , smiling at the sudden color of [her]_238-ava cheeks . “ Sorry , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava murmurs , [her]_238-ava eyes darting everywhere except at [[our]_1050-us friends]_{2032-my friends} . [No one]_{210-no one} is fazed . [No one]_{210-no one} but [Ava]_238-ava . [They]_{2032-my friends} all know [us]_1050-us . [We]_1050-us might not be wholly [us]_1050-us at this particular moment in [our]_1050-us lives , but [I]_0-i can tell [[my]_0-i friends]_{2032-my friends} are as pleased to see tiny hints of the normal [Jesse]_454-jesse and [Ava]_238-ava . [We]_1050-us all order from the menu , the chat coming easier now . Observing [Ava]_238-ava as [Kate]_194-kate tells [her]_238-ava stories from recent years is more pleasurable than [I]_0-i anticipated . As [our]_1050-us meals land on the table , [I]_0-i watch for the next half hour as [Ava]_238-ava pushes the food around [her]_238-ava plate , drinking far more than [she]_238-ava is eating . “ More wine ? ”_[194-kate] [Kate]_194-kate mumbles around [her]_238-ava chili - infused dish , the hottest on the menu , nodding at [Ava]_238-ava ’s glass . Am [I]_0-i the only one here concerned about the amount of alcohol falling down [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie ’s throat ? Semi - scowling to [myself]_0-i , [I]_0-i lean toward [Ava]_238-ava . “ Take it easy , [baby]_238-ava . [You]_238-ava ’re still fragile . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie rolls [her]_26-maddie eyes , patting [my]_0-i hand . It ’s so fucking condescending . “ [I]_26-maddie ’m fine , ”_[26-maddie] [she]_26-maddie assures [me]_0-i . An hour later , [she]_26-maddie is not fine , and [I]_0-i ’m fucking furious with [myself]_0-i for backing down . [I]_0-i do n’t trample all over [the place]_{2265-the place} for the fun of it . There are always perfectly sound reasons for [me]_0-i insisting on something , and the reason [I]_0-i did n’t want [her]_26-maddie to drink is evident as [Ava]_238-ava wobbles [her]_26-maddie way up from [her]_26-maddie chair . [Kate]_194-kate better not try to stop [me]_0-i this time . Tossing a scowl to each of [[my]_0-i friends]_{2032-my friends} , just so [they]_{2032-my friends} know [I]_0-i ’m holding each of [them]_{2032-my friends} accountable , [I]_0-i take [Ava]_238-ava ’s elbow and escort [her]_238-ava to [the ladies]_{2611-the ladies} . “ [I]_238-ava ’m not drunk . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava hiccups and giggles . “ Well , not much . ”_[238-ava] “ Be quiet , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i grumble , letting [myself]_0-i into [the restroom]_{1058-the restroom} with [her]_238-ava and pushing a stall door open . “ In [you]_238-ava go . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i fill the door as opposed to closing [her]_238-ava in , holding one of [her]_238-ava hands while [she]_238-ava pulls [her]_238-ava knickers down with the other . “ What are [you]_238-ava smiling at ? ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava asks , lowering to the loo as [she]_238-ava beams up at [me]_0-i , squinting through drunken eyes . “ [I]_238-ava ’m just surprised [you]_238-ava have n’t ordered [me]_238-ava out . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava ’s thoughtful for a beat . “ [I]_238-ava did n’t even think of it . Besides , [we]_2616-we ’ve had [babies]_{216-my babies} together . [I]_238-ava assume [you]_238-ava were there for the birth . ”_[238-ava] [My]_0-i cheeks burn with the stretch of [my]_0-i grin , fond memories of the day [[my]_0-i babies]_{216-my babies} were born coming back to [me]_0-i like it could have happened yesterday . Where has that time gone ? “ It was the most beautiful day of [my]_238-ava life . ”_[238-ava] And stressful . [I]_0-i pull off some tissue and pass it to [her]_238-ava , then help [her]_238-ava up when [she]_238-ava ’s finished . “ [I]_0-i think it ’s time to go [home]_201-home . ”_[0-i] “ Oh , but [I]_238-ava ’ve had a lovely evening , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava whines , letting [me]_0-i guide [her]_238-ava to the sink . “ Listening to all the stories . ”_[238-ava] Yes , it ’s been lovely , but not once has [she]_238-ava shown even a hint of retrieving [her]_238-ava memory , and [I]_0-i ’ve been looking very closely for something . Anything . Just another glimmer . “ It ’s late . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i flip the tap on and put [her]_238-ava hands under . “ And [you]_238-ava ’ve had more than enough to drink . ”_[0-i] “ [Bossy]_97-bossy boots . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava giggles as [I]_0-i roll [my]_0-i eyes and take [her]_238-ava hands to the towel . “ Can [I]_238-ava have one more glass before [we]_2618-we go ? ”_[238-ava] “ No . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i hold [her]_238-ava waist and guide [her]_238-ava out of [the toilets]_{1060-the toilets} , back to the table . “ [We]_2618-we ’re going now . ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i hold [Ava]_238-ava with one arm while retrieving [my]_0-i wallet with the other and grabbing some notes with [my]_0-i teeth . [Ava]_238-ava takes them from [my]_0-i mouth before [I]_0-i have a chance to spit them out . “ [He]_2619-he wo n’t let [me]_238-ava have another drink , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava grumbles , tossing the money on the table . “ What a bore . ”_[238-ava] “ One more for [the road]_{2159-the road} , [Jesse]_454-jesse , ”_[194-kate] [Kate]_194-kate pleads , batting [her]_194-kate lashes . “ [She]_194-kate ’s just a little tipsy . ”_[194-kate] “ A little tipsy is too tipsy . ”_[238-ava] “ [I]_238-ava ’m having fun , ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava retorts indignantly . “ It ’s not like there ’s much else to be happy about right now . [I]_283-everyone ’m married to [man who [I]_283-everyone do n’t know]_{2621-man who i do n’t know} , [I]_283-everyone do n’t recognize [[my]_283-everyone children]_{2196-my children} , and [I]_283-everyone ’m missing sixteen years of [my]_283-everyone life . ”_{[283-everyone]} [Everyone]_283-everyone shrinks at the table . [I]_0-i ignore [them]_283-everyone , and [I]_0-i also ignore [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie , taking [her]_26-maddie shoulders while biting [my]_0-i tongue . “ Say good - bye , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i grate . “ Bye ! ”_[26-maddie] Turning [her]_26-maddie steadily , [I]_0-i proceed to guide [her]_26-maddie drunken bones out of [the restaurant]_{1034-the restaurant} . [I]_0-i need to turn this around before [I]_0-i lose [my]_0-i rag . [I]_0-i ’m so close . “ [You]_0-i ’re heading for a Retribution Fuck , [lady]_0-i . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i open the door and give [her]_26-maddie a deadly serious face when [she]_26-maddie looks up at [me]_0-i through lowered lashes . [She]_26-maddie ’s imagining it . [Me]_0-i fucking [her]_26-maddie stupid while [she]_26-maddie ’s handcuffed to [our]_1064-our bed . “ What else are [you]_0-i imagining ? ”_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i ask [her]_26-maddie cockily , wanting [her]_26-maddie to know that [I]_0-i ’m fully aware of where [her]_26-maddie inebriated mind is at . “ Nothing , ”_[26-maddie] [she]_26-maddie squeaks , moving past [me]_0-i through the door , [her]_26-maddie hips not swaying in [their]_1065-their usual fashion , more jolting . That limp is getting worse . [I]_0-i ’m hiding all of [her]_26-maddie heels when [we]_1066-we get [home]_201-home . And [I]_0-i should mention it to [[her]_26-maddie doctor]_{1068-her doctor} . [I]_0-i ’m about to swoop in and remove [her]_26-maddie from [her]_26-maddie feet , when [she]_26-maddie stops abruptly , causing [my]_0-i front to collide with [her]_26-maddie back , knocking [her]_26-maddie forward a few steps . [I]_0-i catch [her]_26-maddie elbow and curse [her]_26-maddie . “ For fuck ’s sake , [Ava]_238-ava . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie pays no attention to [my]_0-i irritation , [her]_26-maddie focus remaining forward . “ [Matt]_92-matt ? ”_[26-maddie] [she]_26-maddie says . [My]_0-i neck cracks with the speed [I]_0-i lift [my]_0-i head , and [my]_0-i hand automatically moves from [Ava]_238-ava ’s elbow to [her]_238-ava waist . [I]_0-i also step forward and close the mere inch of space between [her]_238-ava back and [my]_0-i front . Anger races to the surface . It ’s made worse by the fact that [she]_238-ava recognizes the wanker [she]_238-ava was with before [she]_238-ava met [me]_0-i . It ’s a fucking kick in the teeth . A baseball bat to [my]_0-i gut . And it only fans the flames of [my]_0-i anger . Time has n’t been kind to [[Ava]_238-ava ’s ex - boyfriend]_{1069-ava ’s ex - boyfriend} . Not kind at all , though [I]_0-i can tell by the way [he]_{1069-ava ’s ex - boyfriend} ’s drinking in [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie that [he]_{1069-ava ’s ex - boyfriend} thinks otherwise where [she]_26-maddie ’s concerned . Fucking hell , hold [me]_0-i back . “ [Ava]_238-ava ? ”_{[1069-ava ’s ex - boyfriend]} [He]_{1069-ava ’s ex - boyfriend} moves forward , oblivious to [me]_0-i looming beyond . [I]_0-i ’m head and shoulders above [Ava]_238-ava ; [you]_1071-you ca n’t fucking miss [me]_0-i unless something more pleasurable is stealing all of [your]_1071-you attention , and [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie , especially in that ridiculously short red thing , is definitely a more pleasurable sight than [me]_0-i . [My]_0-i face is twitching , caught between snarling , growling , and glaring . “ Wow , [you]_1071-you look amazing . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie shifts before [me]_0-i . Is [she]_26-maddie trying to break away from [me]_0-i ? Or is [she]_26-maddie nervous ? [I]_0-i do n’t know , and [I]_0-i like the thought of neither , so [I]_0-i lock [my]_0-i hand tighter on [her]_26-maddie waist . [She]_26-maddie ’s going nowhere . But [Matt]_92-matt is if [he]_92-matt does n’t fuck off . Like into space when [I]_0-i launch [him]_92-matt there with [my]_0-i fist . “ Thanks , [Matt]_92-matt . ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava looks back at [me]_0-i , though [I]_0-i ca n’t tell if [her]_238-ava look is wary or warning . [My]_0-i eyes are preoccupied burning holes through [her]_238-ava arse - wipe ex . Just hearing [her]_238-ava say [his]_92-matt name causes all kinds of fury within [me]_0-i . “ [I]_92-matt read in the paper that [you]_92-matt were involved in an accident . Sounded pretty bad . ”_[92-matt] [Matt]_92-matt keeps [his]_92-matt focus on [Ava]_238-ava . “ Though [I]_92-matt have to say , [you]_238-ava ’re looking very well . ”_[92-matt] “ [I]_92-matt ’m getting there . [You]_238-ava ’re looking good [yourself]_238-ava . How have [you]_238-ava been ? ”_[92-matt] Seriously ? [I]_0-i ’m expected to stand [here]_2274-here like a spare part while [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie and [[her]_26-maddie ex - boyfriend]_{1074-her ex - boyfriend} have a fond reunion ? Not happening . Over [my]_0-i dead fucking body . Or maybe it ’ll be over [Matt]_92-matt ’s because , [I]_0-i swear , [I]_0-i will fucking kill [him]_92-matt . “ [We]_2623-we ’re leaving . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i tug [Ava]_238-ava on , keeping [my]_0-i deadly stare trained on [Matt]_92-matt as [I]_0-i escort [her]_238-ava away . [He]_92-matt finally looks at [me]_0-i , and [I]_0-i will [him]_92-matt to have a little think about what happened the last time [he]_92-matt came sniffing around [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie . “ That was rude , [Jesse]_454-jesse , ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava argues pointlessly as [I]_0-i walk [us]_1076-us to [the car]_{2161-the car} . [I]_0-i stop [her]_26-maddie and bend , bringing [myself]_0-i to [her]_26-maddie eye level . “ [You]_454-jesse do n’t remember what [he]_92-matt did to [you]_454-jesse , but [I]_0-i do . ”_[0-i] Instant bitterness travels in waves across [her]_26-maddie face , and [I]_0-i fear it ’s not bitterness toward [her]_26-maddie ex , but toward [me]_0-i . “ What did [he]_92-matt do ? ”_[26-maddie] [she]_26-maddie asks , all cocky . “ [He]_92-matt cheated on [you]_454-jesse . [You]_454-jesse lived with [him]_92-matt , [Ava]_238-ava , and [you]_454-jesse moved out when [you]_454-jesse found out [he]_92-matt ’d cheated on [you]_454-jesse . [He]_92-matt ’s an arsehole . ”_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i see surprise on [her]_26-maddie face , and definitely hurt . Over [him]_1078-him ? “ So [he]_1078-him cheated on [me]_26-maddie , [you]_454-jesse cheated on [me]_26-maddie . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie laughs wickedly . “ What the fucking hell is wrong with [me]_26-maddie ? And since [I]_26-maddie ’m supposed to love [you]_454-jesse madly , [your]_454-jesse transgressions hurt more ! So the only arsehole [I]_26-maddie see right now is [you]_454-jesse , [Jesse]_454-jesse . Just [you]_454-jesse ! And [I]_26-maddie fucking hate [you]_454-jesse ! ”_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i can tell [she]_26-maddie regrets the words almost immediately by the quick press of [her]_26-maddie lips together , plus [her]_26-maddie small step back away from [me]_0-i . But [I]_0-i do n’t think [she]_26-maddie will ever appreciate how much it really does hurt . [I]_0-i think [I]_0-i ’d rather take another knife to [my]_0-i stomach . [She]_26-maddie hates [me]_0-i ? “ [I]_26-maddie ’m putting [your]_26-maddie cruelty down to too much alcohol . Get in [the car]_{2161-the car} . Now . ”_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i sound possessed , and [I]_0-i do n’t give a fucking shit . Without another word , [she]_26-maddie slides into the passenger seat and buckles up , not taking [her]_26-maddie wary eyes from [me]_0-i as [I]_0-i slam [her]_26-maddie door and stalk around the front of [the car]_{2161-the car} . Throwing [myself]_0-i in with force , [I]_0-i start the engine and screech off recklessly , fighting to cool [my]_0-i burning rage . It ’s bad enough [she]_26-maddie recognized [him]_{1080-the last man she remembers in her life} — bad enough that [the last man [she]_26-maddie remembers in [her]_26-maddie life]_{1080-the last man she remembers in her life} was that scumbag . But [her]_26-maddie words ? [I]_0-i look down at [my]_0-i white knuckles gripping the steering wheel , the strength of [my]_0-i hold doing nothing to stop [my]_0-i shakes . [I]_0-i ’m fucking livid . [Her]_26-maddie hateful claim has put [me]_0-i in psycho territory . It ’s been years since [my]_0-i temper has reached [these heights]_{1081-these heights} . Years since [I]_0-i flew off the handle and went on a rampage of destruction . [I]_0-i feel like every shitty thing is coming to a head . [I]_0-i ’m at boiling point . And [she]_26-maddie knows it . Chapter 28 The entire drive home [Ava]_238-ava ’s fingers remained clawed into the leather of [her]_238-ava seat . It did n’t make [me]_0-i take [my]_0-i foot off the pedal . Either [the car]_{2161-the car} took the heat of [my]_0-i anger , or [Ava]_238-ava did , and shouting and screaming at [her]_238-ava would n’t have helped [either of [us]_1084-us]_{1083-either of us} . [I]_0-i ’m surprised [[my]_0-i Aston]_{547-my aston} ’s door does n’t drop to [the gravel driveway]_{1086-the gravel driveway} on a scream of pain after [I]_0-i ’ve viciously slammed it shut . [Ava]_238-ava ’s out of [the car]_{2161-the car} far quicker than [I]_0-i expected [she]_238-ava could manage , hobbling to the door . [I]_0-i hurry to catch up , [my]_0-i instinct to help [her]_238-ava taking over and taming [my]_0-i anger . “ [I]_238-ava can walk . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava bats [my]_0-i hands away as [I]_0-i try to pick [her]_238-ava up . “ Leave [me]_238-ava alone . ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i will never leave [her]_238-ava alone . Leaving [her]_238-ava alone would be as good as giving up , and where [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie is concerned , [I]_0-i never give up . As gently as [I]_0-i can , [I]_0-i lunge in and swipe [her]_238-ava from [her]_238-ava feet , lifting [her]_238-ava over [my]_0-i shoulder . “ Forget it , [lady]_26-maddie . ”_[238-ava] The smashing of [her]_238-ava fists into [my]_0-i back are a sign of [her]_238-ava trying to make a stand more than a means of escape . [We]_1088-we both know [she]_238-ava ’s going nowhere until [I]_0-i release [her]_238-ava . “ [I]_238-ava said leave [me]_238-ava alone ! ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava screams , half - vexed , half - hysterical . It ’s exactly how [I]_0-i feel inside . [I]_0-i absorb each blow , pacing toward the door . “ [Jesse]_454-jesse ! ”_[0-i] “ Shut the fuck up , [Ava]_238-ava , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i warn , kicking the door open once [I]_0-i ’ve unlocked it . “ [You]_238-ava ’re an animal ! ”_[0-i] “ Story of [my]_0-i fucking life where [you]_238-ava ’re concerned . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i lower [her]_238-ava to [her]_238-ava feet . The fists that were smacking pointlessly at [my]_0-i back begin pounding at [my]_0-i chest . And [I]_0-i just stand , motionless , letting [her]_238-ava vent and thrash out , screaming [her]_238-ava frustration . If only [I]_0-i had the same kind of outlet . Something to beat and pound and scream at . But [I]_0-i do n’t , so [I]_0-i savor [her]_238-ava brutal smashes of [my]_0-i torso , hoping that at the same time [she]_238-ava beats the frustration out of [me]_0-i , too . [She]_238-ava goes for it mercilessly , [her]_238-ava strength fueled by [her]_238-ava despair . And [I]_0-i ’m fine with it . [I]_0-i ’d be [her]_238-ava punching bag for the rest of [my]_0-i miserable days if it would make [her]_238-ava feel even the tiniest bit better . Because , ultimately , while [I]_0-i ’m in pieces trying to navigate [my]_0-i way through this unfamiliar , painful territory , the love of [my]_0-i life is in more despair . While [I]_0-i have [our]_1089-our memories to cling to , [she]_238-ava does not . While [I]_0-i have [[our]_1089-our children]_{2030-our children} ’s faces to picture during this nightmare , every moment of [their]_{2030-our children} short lives to remember , [she]_238-ava does not . While [I]_0-i have hope and recognize the glimmers of [her]_238-ava recollections , [she]_238-ava does not . [My]_0-i thoughts take over , anger burning [my]_0-i insides as [she]_238-ava continues to scream and punch . “ Go on ! ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i roar , and [she]_238-ava startles , moving back . “ Fucking hit [me]_238-ava , [Ava]_238-ava ! It ca n’t feel any worse than how [I]_238-ava ’m hurting here . ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i smash [my]_0-i fist into [my]_0-i chest . “ So hit [me]_0-i ! ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i close [my]_0-i eyes as [she]_238-ava comes at [me]_0-i again . And while [she]_238-ava ’s lashing out , [I]_0-i think about how powerful [our]_1091-our love is . Not as powerful as [I]_0-i always thought , because if it was , surely it would shine through anything . Even this . It takes [me]_0-i a few seconds to realize that [she]_238-ava ’s stopped thumping [me]_0-i , and when [I]_0-i open [my]_0-i eyes , [I]_0-i find [her]_238-ava heaving before [me]_0-i , [her]_238-ava hair a crazy mess around [her]_238-ava face , [her]_238-ava eyes wild . [We]_1092-we stare at [each other]_{2249-each other} for a few moments , [me]_0-i expressionless , [Ava]_238-ava clearly shocked by [her]_238-ava outburst . Or shocked that [I]_0-i ’ve stood here and accepted it . Because what the fuck else would [I]_0-i do ? [Retaliate]_{126-retaliate} ? Hit [her]_238-ava back ? [Her]_238-ava thinking that might be a possibility makes [me]_0-i feel sick . Makes [me]_0-i want to hurt [myself]_0-i to demonstrate that [I]_0-i ’d take everything before [I]_0-i ’d let anything cause [her]_238-ava pain . Just seeing [her]_238-ava before [me]_0-i looking so lost and hopeless , clearly wondering what [I]_0-i ’m thinking , and [me]_0-i knowing what [she]_238-ava ’s thinking , only amplifies [my]_0-i despair . And [my]_0-i anger . [I]_0-i ca n’t take this . [I]_0-i leave [her]_238-ava to compose [herself]_238-ava in [the hallway]_{701-the hallway} while [I]_0-i stalk through [the house]_{2056-the house} to [the games room]_{585-the games room} , [my]_0-i mind set on one thing . The one thing that will numb [me]_0-i . The one thing that will take [me]_0-i away from [my]_0-i nightmare . [My]_0-i eyes [home]_201-home in on the bottle set on the bar ; the respite that just a few swigs could give [me]_0-i is too tempting to pass up . [I]_0-i shrug [my]_0-i suit jacket off and toss it to the carpet , then yank [my]_0-i tie loose and pop open the top button of [my]_0-i collar , too . [My]_0-i eyes still on that bottle , [my]_0-i hand goes through [my]_0-i hair roughly . Long - lost memories of the alcohol - induced haze of nothingness return full force . [I]_0-i need that nothingness right now . Because if this is how [my]_0-i life is going to feel from now on , then [I]_0-i ’m out . [I]_0-i ’m done . [I]_0-i swipe up the bottle of vodka and pull out the cork , [my]_0-i breathing labored . A bead of sweat starts trickling down [my]_0-i forehead , and [I]_0-i roughly wipe it away as [I]_0-i bring the bottle to [my]_0-i lips . Just one sip . That ’s all it ’ll take . One swallow to start numbing the pain . Nostrils flaring , [I]_0-i knock back [my]_0-i first big gulp and gasp , the liquor burning down [my]_0-i dry throat . It hits [my]_0-i stomach hard , and [my]_0-i thoughts go back to the days when [I]_0-i was lost in a haze of drink and [women]_707-women . [I]_0-i see [myself]_0-i naked . With [endless women]_{1099-endless women} , all women who are n’t [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie . “ [Jesse]_454-jesse ! ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava ’s stricken voice pierces [my]_0-i flashback , pulling [me]_0-i away from the decadent days of [The Manor]_{190-the manor} , back to [my]_0-i reality . [Her]_238-ava glassy eyes hold [me]_0-i in place . Beautiful eyes , the chocolate eyes that put [me]_0-i under a spell and never let [me]_0-i go . “ [You]_2624-you should n’t be drinking , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava pants , still breathless from [her]_238-ava episode in [the hallway]_{701-the hallway} . [I]_0-i look down at the bottle , except this time [I]_0-i do n’t see an escape . Now [I]_0-i see poison . Now [I]_0-i see [the coward]_{1103-the coward} ’s choice . Now [I]_0-i see real damage . [She]_238-ava ’s right ; [I]_0-i should n’t be drinking it . But most importantly , [she]_238-ava knows [I]_0-i should n’t be drinking it . “ Why ? ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i ask quietly , looking back to [her]_238-ava . “ Why should n’t [I]_0-i be drinking it , [Ava]_238-ava ? ”_[0-i] [Her]_238-ava mouth opens and closes , [her]_238-ava mind clearly straining to find the answer . [I]_0-i do n’t want to admit that the answer [she]_238-ava ’s looking for is n’t there . [I]_0-i do n’t want to accept that [she]_238-ava wo n’t find it . [Her]_238-ava statement was just another one of those pointless glimmers of hope . [Her]_238-ava blankness shoves [me]_0-i over the edge , and [I]_0-i lose [my]_0-i shit , frustration and despair getting the better of [me]_0-i . “ Why , [Ava]_238-ava ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i roar . “ Why should n’t [I]_0-i be drinking the fucking vodka ? ”_[0-i] “ [I]_238-ava do n’t know , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava sobs , [her]_238-ava shoulders shaking uncontrollably , emotion finally taking the place of [her]_238-ava frustration . “ [I]_238-ava do n’t know . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava buries [her]_238-ava face in hands , hiding from [our]_1104-our reality . Seeing [her]_238-ava so broken is harder than dealing with the frustration . Seeing [her]_238-ava so utterly helpless shreds [my]_0-i heart . This is lower than any depths of hell [I]_0-i thought [I]_0-i ’d seen . “ Fuck ! ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i flip , throwing the bottle at the wall ferociously before [I]_0-i do something stupid like down the rest . Shards of glass fly like shrapnel , [the devil]_{1105-the devil} ’s juice spraying every wall . “ [I]_0-i should n’t drink it because [I]_0-i ’m [a fucking alcoholic]_{2625-a fucking alcoholic} ! ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i boom . “ Because before [I]_0-i met [you]_{2625-a fucking alcoholic} , all [I]_0-i did was drink [myself]_0-i into oblivion and fuck anything with a fucking pulse . That ’s why ! ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i stagger back , [my]_0-i back hitting the wall , [my]_0-i breathing shot . [I]_0-i ca n’t control [my]_0-i body . [My]_0-i mouth . [My]_0-i fucking tears . Though [I]_0-i can still see [her]_0-i shock through the water distorting [my]_0-i sight . “ [You]_{2625-a fucking alcoholic} gave [me]_0-i a reason to stop , [Ava]_238-ava . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i heave where [I]_0-i stand , feeling like [my]_0-i life ’s rapidly escaping [my]_0-i control altogether . “ [You]_{2625-a fucking alcoholic} made [my]_0-i heart start beating again . And now [you]_{2625-a fucking alcoholic} ’re not here anymore and [I]_0-i do n’t know if [I]_0-i can go on without [you]_{2625-a fucking alcoholic} . ”_[0-i] [My]_0-i knees buckle , and [I]_0-i slide down the wall like a sack of shit , hitting the floor on a thud . [I]_0-i ’m past holding it all in . [I]_0-i ’m so past trying to be the strong one . Because without [Ava]_238-ava , [I]_0-i ’m [the weakest man]_238-ava alive , and [I]_0-i feel like [I]_0-i ’m without [her]_238-ava now . [My]_0-i elbows hit [my]_0-i knees , [my]_0-i face going into [my]_0-i palms and hiding . [I]_0-i ca n’t bear the shock on [her]_238-ava face . Ca n’t stand the fact that [she]_238-ava ’s seeing [me]_0-i like this . “ Just go to bed , ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i beg , needing [her]_238-ava to leave [me]_0-i alone in [my]_0-i misery . “ Just go . ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i feel cold . Lonely . And then … not . [Her]_238-ava hand slides onto [my]_0-i neck , and [I]_0-i look up to find [her]_238-ava kneeling before [me]_0-i , teary eyes staring into [mine]_0-i . “ [I]_238-ava ’m going nowhere . ”_[238-ava] Edging [her]_238-ava way closer , [she]_238-ava places [her]_238-ava palms on [my]_0-i knees and pushes them apart , moving between them . “ Because even though [I]_238-ava do n’t know where [I]_238-ava am , [I]_238-ava feel like [I]_238-ava ’m at [home]_201-home . Even though [I]_238-ava ’m struggling to wrap [my]_238-ava mind around you”—more_[238-ava] tears tumble as [she]_238-ava squeezes [my]_0-i knees—“I know [you]_238-ava ’re [mine]_0-i . [I]_238-ava know [I]_238-ava ’m [your]_238-ava heart . Because even though [I]_238-ava do n’t know [you]_238-ava , [I]_238-ava know that when [I]_238-ava think of [you]_238-ava gone , it hurts really bad just here . ”_[238-ava] Taking [my]_0-i hand , [she]_238-ava pushes it into [her]_238-ava chest . [Her]_238-ava heart is thundering . Like [mine]_0-i . “ [Ava]_238-ava , [I]_0-i ’m [a broken man]_0-i . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i feel fucking awful admitting it . “ The thought of [you]_238-ava losing every memory [we]_2627-we ’ve had together cripples [me]_0-i . ”_[0-i] “ [I]_0-i know [you]_238-ava ’re stronger than this . [I]_0-i know [you]_238-ava ’re more determined . [You]_238-ava promised [you]_238-ava would n’t give up on [me]_0-i . ”_[0-i] [My]_0-i heart constricts . “ [Baby]_60-jacob , [I]_0-i have n’t given up . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i sigh and gesture [her]_238-ava closer , and [she]_238-ava comes with ease , letting [me]_0-i pull [her]_238-ava onto [my]_0-i lap and cuddle [her]_238-ava . “ [I]_238-ava ’m just having a minor relapse . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava snuggles close , and [my]_0-i world evens out a little . “ Do n’t have a relapse again , please . ”_[238-ava] “ Then [you]_238-ava need to start doing as [you]_238-ava ’re told . ”_[238-ava] “ Never , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava argues . “ Because [I]_0-i know [I]_0-i never normally do , do [I]_0-i ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i smile through [my]_0-i sadness . “ [You]_238-ava do n’t . ”_[0-i] [We]_{461-both of us} remain bunched up on the floor for a while , quiet , [both of [us]_{461-both of us}]_{461-both of us} calming , [our]_{461-both of us} bodies recovering from [our]_{461-both of us} shakes . Then [Ava]_238-ava breaks out of [my]_0-i hold , placing [her]_238-ava lips on [my]_0-i cheek and inhaling . “ Come to bed ? ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i swallow , hating that it sounds like an unsure question . “ [I]_0-i ’d love to . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’ll cuddle [her]_238-ava all night . Keep [her]_238-ava close . No sex , no anything , just contact . [I]_0-i need contact . “ Thank [you]_0-i . ”_[0-i] “ Do n’t thank [me]_0-i , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i scold [her]_238-ava gently . “ Never thank [me]_0-i for loving [you]_0-i . ”_[0-i] “ Because it was what [you]_0-i were put on [this earth]_{2340-this earth} to do . ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava bottom lip quivers over every word , and [I]_0-i gulp down the melon - sized lump in [my]_0-i throat and yank [her]_238-ava back into [me]_0-i . “ That ’s right . ”_[238-ava] Suffocating [her]_238-ava with [my]_0-i hold , [I]_0-i sink [my]_0-i face into [her]_238-ava hair and fight to keep more emotion at bay . “ This dress is still ridiculous , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i croak . “ [I]_0-i forget [I]_0-i ’m thirty - eight now . ”_[0-i] “ So [you]_0-i were just being stubborn , yes ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i do n’t need confirmation . [I]_0-i know [[my]_0-i wife]_194-kate better than [she]_194-kate knows [herself]_194-kate . [She]_194-kate nods into [my]_0-i chest . “ [I]_194-kate do n’t have the figure [I]_194-kate did when [I]_194-kate was in [my]_194-kate early twenties . ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i scoff at that , getting [us]_1108-us up from the floor and lifting [her]_194-kate into [my]_0-i arms . “ [You]_194-kate ’re more beautiful every day . End of . ”_[194-kate] [We]_1108-us ’ll be having none of that nonsense . “ [You]_194-kate ’re obliged to say that . ”_[194-kate] “ [I]_0-i ’m obliged to say nothing , [lady]_194-kate . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i take the stairs and enter [[our]_1108-us bedroom]_{593-our bedroom} . “ But , as [you]_194-kate know , [you]_194-kate are obliged to do as [I]_194-kate say . ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i place [her]_194-kate on [her]_194-kate feet and automatically turn [her]_194-kate around , taking the zip of [her]_194-kate dress . “ Understand ? ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate nods and remains still as [I]_0-i unfasten [her]_194-kate , [my]_0-i eyes falling down [her]_194-kate back with the zip . As [I]_0-i push the material aside , [I]_0-i hold [my]_0-i breath , bracing [myself]_0-i for the vision of [her]_194-kate exposed back . “ Perfect , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i sigh , letting the red material drop to the floor . The black lace underwear underneath fits [her]_194-kate perfectly . Fuck . [I]_0-i do n’t think that cuddle [I]_0-i was hoping for will be enough . Will [she]_194-kate let [me]_0-i ? [My]_0-i hands reach for the clasp of [her]_194-kate bra . One flick releases the catch , and [I]_0-i notice [her]_194-kate shoulders lift an inch . [I]_0-i move in close and slide [my]_0-i forearm around [her]_194-kate waist , resting [my]_0-i chin on [her]_194-kate shoulder . “ [I]_0-i want to make love to [you]_0-i , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i whisper , and [she]_194-kate tenses , but not from fear . It ’s from anticipation . “ [I]_194-kate want to peel this lace off [your]_0-i body and take [my]_194-kate time exploring every inch of [you]_0-i . ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i drag the straps of [her]_194-kate bra down [her]_194-kate arms until it tumbles to the floor . “ [I]_0-i need [you]_0-i , [Ava]_238-ava . More than [I]_0-i ’ve ever needed [you]_0-i . ”_[0-i] Kissing [her]_194-kate cheek lightly , [I]_0-i relish the feel of [her]_194-kate pushing closer into [me]_0-i . “ Let [me]_0-i show [you]_0-i how much [I]_0-i love [you]_0-i . ”_[0-i] [She]_194-kate turns slowly and lifts [her]_194-kate chin to see [me]_0-i , and without a word [she]_194-kate starts to unbutton [my]_0-i shirt , one by one , slowly and purposefully , a million emotions dancing in [her]_194-kate dreamy eyes . Fear . Hope . But most of all , need . For [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i realize [I]_0-i need to be gentle . Slow and patient , thoughtful and caring . More so than ever before . So [I]_0-i let [her]_194-kate undress [me]_0-i at [her]_194-kate own speed , resisting the urge to rip [my]_0-i clothes from [my]_0-i body and toss [her]_194-kate on the bed . “ Want some help ? ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i ask , just so [she]_194-kate knows [I]_0-i ’m open to all options . [She]_194-kate glances up at [me]_0-i , and [I]_0-i see apprehension in [her]_194-kate gaze . And [I]_0-i realize that even though [she]_194-kate ’s desperate for [me]_0-i , [she]_194-kate does n’t know what this will be like . [She]_194-kate does n’t know how explosive [we]_1110-we are together , whether hard and raw or slow and loving . “ Do n’t be nervous . ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i take [her]_194-kate wrists , instantly feeling [her]_194-kate tremble . “ [We]_1110-we do n’t have to do this . ”_[194-kate] Never has it taken so much energy to say just a few words . “ But [I]_194-kate want to . ”_[194-kate] [Her]_194-kate gaze drops from [mine]_0-i , down [my]_0-i torso , [her]_194-kate teeth sinking into [her]_194-kate lip . “ [I]_194-kate really want to . ”_[194-kate] Forcing [her]_194-kate way out of [my]_0-i hold , [she]_194-kate pushes [my]_0-i shirt from [my]_0-i shoulders and places [her]_194-kate hands on [my]_0-i pecs . [My]_0-i body feels like it ’s just gone up in flames , and [my]_0-i hands twitch , desperate to grab [her]_194-kate . [Ravage]_127-ravage [her]_194-kate . Kiss [her]_194-kate . Make love to [her]_194-kate . The look in [her]_194-kate eyes tells [me]_0-i [she]_194-kate ’s aware of all this . [She]_194-kate knows . “ [I]_194-kate really want to . ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate reinforces [her]_194-kate claim with a hard kiss on the lips , and [I]_0-i ’m instantly overwhelmed by it , [my]_0-i palm going to the back of [her]_194-kate head , gently pushing [her]_194-kate closer , [my]_0-i mouth opening , inviting [her]_194-kate in . [Her]_194-kate hands are everywhere . [Our]_1111-our kiss is bordering clumsy . [I]_0-i can feel [my]_0-i control slipping . This is what desperation does to [me]_0-i . It makes [me]_0-i urgent , makes [me]_0-i want to take [her]_194-kate hard and fast , to stake [my]_0-i claim , mark [my]_0-i territory , show [her]_194-kate how good [we]_1111-our are . But now is n’t the time for [me]_0-i to get carried away . [I]_0-i slow the tempo of [our]_1111-our kiss . [I]_0-i do n’t need to give [her]_194-kate instruction . [Her]_194-kate hands find the fly of [my]_0-i trousers , and [I]_0-i kick off [my]_0-i shoes . [I]_0-i help [her]_194-kate slide [my]_0-i trousers off , keeping up [our]_1111-our kiss , and then walk [her]_194-kate back to the bed . [I]_0-i take [her]_194-kate down to the mattress and gently tug [her]_194-kate up to the top . [Our]_1111-our lips are still sealed , [our]_1111-our tongues dancing slowly , breathing [each other]_{2249-each other} ’s breath . [I]_0-i do n’t think [she]_194-kate ’s ever tasted so good , even with the hints of alcohol mixed between [us]_1111-our . [I]_0-i come down to rest over [her]_194-kate , taking [my]_0-i arms up over [her]_194-kate head , leaving [her]_194-kate hands free to roam [my]_0-i back , [my]_0-i arse , and eventually [my]_0-i face . [She]_194-kate is lost . Consumed . [I]_0-i force [myself]_0-i to break [our]_1111-our kiss , just to prove to [myself]_0-i that [she]_194-kate ’ll hate the loss . “ [Jesse]_454-jesse , ”_[194-kate] [she]_194-kate pants , [her]_194-kate hands grabbing at [my]_0-i hair trying to get [me]_0-i back on [her]_194-kate mouth . Then [her]_194-kate legs lock around [my]_0-i waist , a demonstration that [she]_194-kate ’s not letting [me]_0-i go anywhere . “ Why are [you]_454-jesse stopping ? ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate blinks repeatedly , and the egomaniac inside [me]_0-i likes to think that it ’s because [she]_194-kate ’s struggling with [my]_0-i magnificence so close up . “ [I]_194-kate just want to look at [you]_454-jesse for a moment knowing that [I]_194-kate ’ll be inside [you]_454-jesse again very soon . ”_[194-kate] [Her]_194-kate lips purse , [her]_194-kate hands going to the waistband of [my]_0-i boxers . [She]_194-kate pushes them over the rise of [my]_0-i arse . “ How does [a man of [your]_454-jesse age]_{2629-a man of your age} stay in such good shape ? ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate cheekily pinches [my]_0-i bum , and [I]_0-i flinch on an epic grin . “ Lot and lots of sex . ”_[0-i] A small giggle escapes [her]_194-kate , and [her]_194-kate short nails sink into the flesh of [my]_0-i arse . [I]_0-i grit [my]_0-i teeth , enduring the sharp pain . “ [I]_0-i ’ll have to take [your]_0-i word for it . ”_[0-i] “ [You]_0-i ’d better take [my]_0-i word for it . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i raise [my]_0-i eyebrows in warning as [her]_194-kate hand glides softly through [my]_0-i hair , [her]_194-kate eyes following . “ Because it ’s so good ? ”_[194-kate] “ The sex ? Yes . ”_[194-kate] “ [I]_194-kate ’m afraid [I]_194-kate need proof , [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} . ”_[194-kate] [Her]_194-kate brown eyes land on [mine]_0-i with a bang , and the blood that ’s been steadily filling [my]_0-i cock gushes in . [Her]_194-kate lips press together , [her]_194-kate hips flexing up , pushing into [my]_0-i colossal erection . “ Oh [my]_194-kate , ”_[194-kate] [she]_194-kate breathes . “ [You]_194-kate ’ve felt nothing yet , [lady]_194-kate . ”_[194-kate] Down [I]_0-i go , lips crashing to [hers]_194-kate , slow and steady suddenly forgotten . Wild hands feel down [my]_0-i thighs and start pulling impatiently at [my]_0-i boxers . [I]_0-i can fully appreciate [her]_194-kate eagerness , taking [my]_0-i own hands to [her]_194-kate knickers , but rather than trying to shove them down [her]_194-kate legs , [I]_0-i rip them right off . [She]_194-kate inhales sharply but quickly adopts [my]_0-i method , tugging at [my]_0-i boxers . [I]_0-i hear a rip , but they ’re still a barrier between [my]_0-i flesh and [hers]_194-kate . “ Fuck , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i mutter , taking over , giving them a few brutal yanks . And then there is nothing but skin . Nothing but the friction of [my]_0-i flesh rubbing all over [hers]_194-kate as [we]_1113-our writhe together , [our]_1113-our lips and tongues clashing , [our]_1113-our moans and hungry gasps blending , drenching [the room]_{202-the room} . “ [I]_194-kate need to be inside [you]_194-kate now , ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i tell [her]_194-kate , shifting [my]_0-i hips to get the angle right . It does n’t take much guidance from [Ava]_238-ava to get [my]_0-i cock resting at [her]_238-ava throbbing entrance . [She]_238-ava sucks in air and holds it , and [I]_0-i pull back to get [her]_238-ava in [my]_0-i sights . Eyes on [hers]_194-kate , [I]_0-i nudge forward a fraction , resisting the urge to pound straight in . “ [You]_194-kate ready , [baby]_194-kate ? ”_[0-i] “ God , yeah . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava can hardly talk through [her]_238-ava want , but [she]_238-ava can move , rolling [her]_238-ava hips up and taking a bit more of [me]_0-i . “ Oh Jesus . ”_[238-ava] [My]_0-i head drops limply , the feel of only a little bit of [her]_238-ava stripping [me]_0-i of control . [I]_0-i thrust forward on a yell and hold still . “ [You]_194-kate fit [me]_238-ava just right . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava threads [her]_238-ava hands through the hair at [my]_0-i nape and tugs [me]_0-i back onto [her]_238-ava lips . “ So fucking right . ”_[238-ava] “ Watch [your]_194-kate mouth , [Ava]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] “ No . ”_[238-ava] “ Okay . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava could swear until [she]_238-ava ’s blue in the face and [I]_0-i ’m red , and [I]_0-i would n’t give a shit . Because now . Now is everything . “ Move . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava sinks [her]_238-ava nails into [my]_0-i arse again , egging [me]_0-i on . “ Oh God , please move . [You]_194-kate feel so good . ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i ’m not the kind of man to disappoint , especially [[my]_0-i wife]_194-kate . Nuzzling [her]_194-kate cheek , [I]_0-i take [her]_194-kate hands from [my]_0-i arse and thrust them up on the pillow , raising a little to get [her]_194-kate in [my]_0-i sights . [She]_194-kate ’s panting . Wanting . Loving the feel of [me]_0-i inside [her]_194-kate . [I]_0-i jolt [my]_0-i hips teasingly . “ [You]_194-kate want gentle [Jesse]_454-jesse , [baby]_454-jesse ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i lick [my]_0-i lips , savoring the sight of [her]_194-kate sweating . “ Or should [I]_194-kate rip [you]_194-kate clean in two ? ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate inhales , somewhere between shock and delight . “ Which do [I]_194-kate prefer ? ”_[194-kate] “ Depends on [your]_194-kate mood . What are [you]_194-kate in the mood for , [gorgeous wife]_{2630-gorgeous wife} ? ”_[194-kate] Another thrust , short and sharp , makes [her]_194-kate tense , snap [her]_194-kate mouth shut , and hold [her]_194-kate breath . “ Just take [me]_194-kate away from [our]_1116-our nightmare for a while . [I]_194-kate do n’t care how . Just do it . ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i waver on the edge of despondency . [Our]_1116-our nightmare . [She]_194-kate wants to escape . Then [she]_194-kate bumps [her]_194-kate hips , too , and that despondency sinks in a pleasure like no other . “ [I]_194-kate ’m introducing a new fuck to [our]_1116-our relationship , [baby]_194-kate . ”_[194-kate] Dipping , [I]_0-i kiss [her]_194-kate hard , pulling away before [she]_194-kate has a chance to engage [her]_194-kate mouth and keep [me]_0-i there . “ [We]_1116-our ’ll call it the Reunion Fuck . ”_[194-kate] And that fuck is going to be [my]_0-i new favorite . [I]_0-i swivel [my]_0-i hips , grinding deeply . [I]_0-i flex [my]_0-i hands over [her]_194-kate wrists , but keep them where they are , withdrawing from the amazing warmth of [her]_194-kate pussy and gliding gently back in . [My]_0-i body is craving a nice hard fuck , but [my]_0-i mind wo n’t allow it . “ [I]_194-kate ’m going to make the softest love to [you]_194-kate . ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate melts beneath [me]_0-i , and the wobble of [her]_194-kate lip tells [me]_0-i [she]_194-kate likes [my]_0-i idea . “ Okay . ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i lower [my]_0-i face , catching [her]_194-kate mouth gently as [I]_0-i start a measured , delicate rock of [my]_0-i hips , making sure [my]_0-i drives are slow and exact , [my]_0-i tongue following suit . [I]_0-i release [her]_194-kate hands and let [her]_194-kate feel [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i let [her]_194-kate control [our]_1117-our kiss , tolerating the loss of [her]_194-kate lips from time to time when [she]_194-kate lazily throws [her]_194-kate head around on the pillow , sighing , moaning , struggling to keep [her]_194-kate eyes open . [She]_194-kate ’s floating away , caught in the moment . A moment with [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i ensure [my]_0-i rhythm is consistent , ensure [she]_194-kate ’s held in a perfect state of pleasure . [I]_0-i ’ve never seen anything so stunning , and [I]_0-i find [myself]_0-i focusing more on [her]_194-kate losing [herself]_194-kate rather than [my]_0-i own pleasure . It ’s no loss . Nothing could ever beat this . [My]_0-i wet skin peels away from [her]_194-kate chest as [I]_0-i lift and brace [myself]_0-i on [my]_0-i forearms , needing a better view . [Her]_194-kate eyes follow [mine]_0-i , [her]_194-kate hands reaching for [my]_0-i face and holding [me]_0-i . [Our]_1118-our hips are in perfect sync , [her]_194-kate rolling up , [me]_0-i rolling down , each plunge achieving the deepest depths . “ [I]_194-kate can see why [I]_194-kate fell in love with [you]_194-kate , ”_[194-kate] [she]_194-kate whispers , grazing [her]_194-kate palms over [my]_0-i stubble . “ Because [I]_194-kate ’m an Adonis in bed ? ”_[194-kate] “ And out of bed . ”_[194-kate] [Her]_194-kate voice gets higher , and then [she]_194-kate moans [her]_194-kate way back down to a level tone , [her]_194-kate eyes blinking slowly . “ [You]_194-kate ’re the perfect mix of [man]_586-man . Big , strong , passionate , devoted . [You]_194-kate love with everything [you]_194-kate have . ”_[194-kate] “ And [I]_194-kate ’m nothing without [you]_194-kate . ”_[194-kate] “ And everything with [me]_0-i . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m pulled down , [her]_194-kate face sinking into [my]_0-i neck , and [we]_1119-our take the final stretch to release holding each other tight , breathing in time together , moving as one . [Our]_1119-our climax hits simultaneously . [I]_0-i do n’t yell . Neither does [she]_194-kate . [I]_0-i do n’t buck or jolt . Neither does [she]_194-kate . [We]_1119-our roll through [our]_1119-our pleasure calmly and quietly , the only frantic , crazy thing happening being the hammering of both [our]_1119-our hearts . [I]_0-i ’m alive . So is [she]_194-kate . Everything else can be fixed . [I]_0-i ’m sure of it . “ [You]_0-i want [me]_0-i to move ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ask against the wet flesh of [her]_194-kate neck , mindful that [I]_0-i ’m now limp and probably very heavy . “ No . ”_[0-i] Arms coming straight around [my]_0-i shoulders , legs around [my]_0-i waist , [she]_194-kate locks [me]_0-i up tightly in [her]_194-kate hold . “ [I]_194-kate want [you]_0-i to stay exactly where [you]_0-i are all night . ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate turns [her]_194-kate face into [mine]_0-i and finds [my]_0-i lips . “ Because this is where [you]_0-i are supposed to be . With no space between [us]_2632-us . ”_[194-kate] Locked together . Touching everywhere . [Her]_194-kate lips resting on [mine]_0-i , [my]_0-i lungs inhaling [her]_194-kate breath . “ [Jesse]_454-jesse ? ”_[194-kate] [she]_194-kate murmurs sleepily in [my]_0-i ear , and [I]_0-i hum [my]_0-i prompt for [her]_194-kate to go on . “ [I]_0-i think [I]_0-i ’m falling in love with [you]_454-jesse . ”_[0-i] Chapter 29 Just call [me]_0-i a domestic god . [I]_0-i ’m getting used to this stupid coffee machine now . [I]_0-i ’m also getting used to the fact that it ’s not ready for [me]_0-i to drink when [I]_0-i get up in the morning . [Ava]_238-ava has finally been sleeping well , and waking [her]_238-ava come morning is out of the question . So [I]_0-i ’ve taken over [her]_238-ava jobs . [I]_0-i flick the machine on and open the pantry cupboard , pulling down the cereals and setting them on the side for [the kids]_{2010-the kids} . It ’s only when [I]_0-i ’m on [my]_0-i way back to the coffee machine that [I]_0-i realize what [I]_0-i ’ve done . The gaping hole in [my]_0-i existence grows , and like [they]_{2010-the kids} ’ve sensed [I]_0-i ’m missing them , [my]_0-i phone rings and [I]_0-i rush over to answer . [I]_0-i smile when [I]_0-i see [[my]_0-i boy]_{240-my boy} ’s face lighting up the screen . Answering , [I]_0-i prop it up by [the cooker]_{1122-the cooker} and continue with [Ava]_238-ava ’s breakfast . “ Are [you]_{240-my boy} cooking eggs , [Dad]_1256-dad ? ”_[60-jacob] [Jacob]_60-jacob asks in greeting . [The sea]_{1123-the sea} in the background looks amazing , the rush of the waves loud but calming . A holiday . [I]_0-i could do with one of those . “ Sure am , [buddy]_1256-dad . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i tap the spatula on the edge of the pan before lifting to show [him]_{240-my boy} . “ [I]_0-i ’m making [your]_0-i mum breakfast in bed . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i feel like [I]_0-i ’ve been born again , injected with energy . Last night was one of the most amazing nights of [my]_0-i life . And better still , [I]_0-i know [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie feels the same . “ Remember [she]_26-maddie likes a runny yolk , ”_[60-jacob] [Jacob]_60-jacob reminds [me]_0-i , having [me]_0-i looking down at the pan and the two very unrunny yolks . [He]_{240-my boy} must catch [my]_0-i frown . “ Do scrambled , ”_{[240-my boy]} [he]_{240-my boy} tells [me]_0-i . “ And salmon . [You]_2633-you know that ’s one of [her]_26-maddie favorites . ”_{[240-my boy]} “ [I]_0-i have no salmon , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i grumble , thinking [I]_0-i need to get [my]_0-i arse to [the supermarket pronto]_{1125-the supermarket pronto} . [We]_1126-we ’re low on everything . But [grocery shopping]_{1127-grocery shopping} is hardly the romantic date [I]_0-i had planned for later . [I]_0-i hear [Jacob]_60-jacob sigh , and [I]_0-i shrug , because that ’s what [I]_0-i do . “ How ’s [Maddie]_26-maddie ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ask . “ [She]_26-maddie met [a friend]_{349-a friend} . [She]_26-maddie ’s down [the beach]_{2634-the beach} now . ”_{[349-a friend]} [A friend]_{349-a friend} ? “ Nice . What ’s [her]_26-maddie name ? ”_{[349-a friend]} “ [Hugo]_32-mum . ”_{[349-a friend]} The pan clatters to the stove , [my]_0-i hand catching the burner . “ Motherfucker ! ”_{[349-a friend]} [I]_0-i yelp and start jumping around , clasping [my]_0-i hand tightly to stem the pain . “ [[You]_32-mum bastard]_32-mum ! ”_[0-i] Fucking hell . [My]_0-i knuckles are still sporting the aftermath of [my]_0-i lash out on the mirror and door . Now this ? [I]_0-i shake it out , grimacing in pain . “ Fuck , that hurts . ”_[0-i] “ [Jesse Ward]_454-jesse ! ”_[32-mum] The sound of [[my]_0-i mother]_32-mum - in - law ’s voice penetrates [my]_0-i senses , and [I]_0-i fly over to [my]_0-i phone , just catching [Jacob]_60-jacob rolling [his]_60-jacob eyes as [[Ava]_238-ava ’s mother]_32-mum pushes [him]_60-jacob from the camera . [Her]_32-mum face appears , very displeased . “ [Hugo]_32-mum ’s [a girl]_32-mum ’s name . ”_[32-mum] [I]_0-i state it as a fact . “ Is n’t it ? ”_[0-i] “ [Hugo]_32-mum is [a boy]_32-mum , ”_[32-mum] [she]_32-mum says flippantly . [I]_0-i do n’t appreciate it . “ Just [the grandson of [some friends]_{2635-some friends}]_32-mum . [We]_{2635-some friends} had dinner with [them]_{2635-some friends} last night . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i get [my]_0-i face up close and personal with the screen , noting [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} backing away . [[My]_0-i baby girl]_238-ava is on [the coast]_{2109-the coast} without [me]_0-i there to make sure no little twerps sniff around [her]_238-ava . “ [I]_238-ava ’m relying on [you]_238-ava , [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} . ”_[238-ava] “ To do what ? [Trample]_129-trample in [your]_238-ava absence ? ”_[238-ava] “ Yes ! ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i look down at [my]_0-i hand and see a blister developing . “ Keep [him]_129-trample away from [[my]_0-i daughter]_238-ava , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i warn , swiping up [my]_0-i phone and making [my]_0-i way to the sink . “ Boys ca n’t be trusted . How old is the little shit ? ”_[0-i] “ Thirteen . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i drop [my]_0-i phone in the sink . “ Thirteen ? ”_[0-i] Oh [[my]_0-i God]_26-maddie ! “ [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} , this — ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m interrupted mid - rant when [someone]_293-someone takes [my]_0-i hand , [I]_0-i peek to the side to find [Ava]_238-ava inspecting the burn . [She]_238-ava shakes [her]_238-ava head , takes [my]_0-i phone from the sink , and props it up against the backsplash . “ Hi , [Mum]_32-mum . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava flips on the tap and forces [my]_0-i hand under the flow of cold water . [I]_0-i hiss as [she]_238-ava looks at [me]_0-i out the corner of [her]_238-ava eye , [her]_238-ava expression telling [me]_0-i it ’s [my]_0-i own damn fault . “ Hi , [darling]_32-mum ! ”_{[424-elizabeth]} [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} , understandably , looks delighted to see [[her]_{424-elizabeth} daughter]_{424-elizabeth} . Too bad . [I]_0-i seize the phone while [Ava]_238-ava tends to [my]_0-i hand , keeping it steady under the water . “ So , [this boy]_32-mum . ”_[238-ava] “ What [boy]_32-mum ? ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava pipes up , leaning and grabbing a towel off the side . [I]_0-i ignore [her]_{424-elizabeth} and press [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} for details . “ Keep [him]_2636-him away from [[my]_0-i daughter]_{424-elizabeth} . ”_[0-i] “ Oh , stop overreacting . ”_{[424-elizabeth]} [[My]_0-i mother]_{424-elizabeth} - in - law sighs . [She]_{424-elizabeth} just ca n’t help undermining [me]_0-i , the fucking pain in the arse that [she]_{424-elizabeth} is . “ [She]_{424-elizabeth} ’s growing up , [Jesse]_454-jesse . [You]_454-jesse need to let [her]_{424-elizabeth} . ”_{[424-elizabeth]} [I]_0-i think [I]_0-i might explode . How long would it take [me]_0-i to get to [Newquay]_5-newquay ? “ [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} — ”_[238-ava] The phone is gone from [my]_0-i hand speedily , [Ava]_238-ava whipping it away and wandering off . [I]_0-i stare at [her]_{424-elizabeth} back incredulously . “ Are [the kids]_{2010-the kids} okay , [Mum]_32-mum ? ”_{[424-elizabeth]} [she]_{424-elizabeth} asks , looking over [her]_{424-elizabeth} shoulder , giving [me]_0-i a stare that dares [me]_0-i to hijack [my]_0-i phone . It ’s a fucking conspiracy . All of [them]_{2010-the kids} ganging up against [me]_0-i . “ Good . And , yes . ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava pouts . “ [He]_2637-he ’s being very attentive and caring . [I]_238-ava ’m feeling better by the day . ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i do n’t want to smile . Not when [I]_0-i ’m so pent up and stressed , but before [I]_0-i know it [I]_0-i ’m grinning like a loon . [She]_{424-elizabeth} ’s feeling great . [I]_0-i was , too , until [[my]_0-i mother]_{424-elizabeth} - in - law ruined it . [I]_0-i huff and plonk [my]_0-i arse on a stool , scowling down at [my]_0-i injured , towel - wrapped hand . Perfect . Fucking perfect . “ [I]_238-ava ’m looking forward to seeing [you]_238-ava , too . ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava joins [me]_0-i , holding up the bath towel that ’s wrapped around [her]_238-ava as [she]_238-ava sits on the stool . [I]_0-i do n’t know what comes over [me]_0-i . One minute [she]_238-ava ’s covered in white fluffy material , the next [she]_238-ava ’s covered in … nothing . The towel hits the floor and [Ava]_238-ava gasps , shooting shocked eyes at [me]_0-i . And [I]_0-i just grin . Big , wide , and satisfied , making a meal of relaxing on [my]_0-i stool and looking [her]_238-ava up and down , up and down , up … and … down . [I]_0-i breathe in and exhale loudly . “ Breakfast ’s looking mighty fine , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i muse , earning a few playful slaps across the head . [I]_0-i laugh [my]_0-i way through it as [she]_238-ava scrambles for [her]_238-ava towel . [Silly girl]_238-ava . [I]_0-i whip it away and run around the other side of [the island]_{2099-the island} , waving it teasingly . “ [Ava]_238-ava , [you]_238-ava ’re naked ! ”_{[424-elizabeth]} [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} screeches . “ Damn FaceTime . ”_{[424-elizabeth]} [I]_0-i shake [my]_0-i head mockingly , throwing the towel over [my]_0-i shoulders . “ [You]_238-ava ’re naked , [baby]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava scowl is award worthy . And so is [my]_0-i smirk . “ [I]_238-ava have to go , [Mum]_32-mum . Give [the kids]_{2010-the kids} a kiss for [me]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava disconnects the call and points the phone at [me]_0-i . “ [You]_238-ava ’re in trouble , [Ward]_454-jesse . ”_[238-ava] “ Oh , goody . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i rub [my]_0-i hands together . “ Bring it on , [baby]_238-ava . Bring . It . On . ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava attempts to hide the twitch in [her]_238-ava lips fails miserably . “ [You]_238-ava ’re much older than [me]_238-ava . [I]_238-ava ’m thinking speed is n’t [your]_238-ava thing these days . ”_[238-ava] Much older ? “ [You]_238-ava have n’t seen [me]_238-ava chase [the boys]_{2639-the boys} away from [[our]_2640-our daughter]_{2641-our daughter} . [I]_238-ava ’m [a fucking greyhound]_{2642-a fucking greyhound} . ”_[238-ava] Eyes narrowed , [she]_238-ava steps to the left . And [I]_0-i step to the right . “ [I]_238-ava ’ll catch [you]_238-ava , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava warns . Good . [I]_0-i hope [she]_238-ava does . “ And what will [you]_238-ava do to [me]_0-i then ? ”_[0-i] “ That ’s for [me]_238-ava to know . ”_[238-ava] “ And [I]_0-i ’m gon na find out . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i dart out of [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} , towel billowing behind [me]_0-i , and as soon as [I]_0-i ’m out of [her]_238-ava sight , [I]_0-i drop to the floor and lie down on [my]_0-i back . [She]_238-ava comes half hobbling out of [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} , yelping when [she]_238-ava trips over [my]_0-i foot . [I]_0-i catch [her]_238-ava perfectly and bring [her]_238-ava softly down onto [my]_0-i chest . “ Seems [you]_238-ava caught [me]_0-i , [Mrs. Ward]_26-maddie . ”_[0-i] “ Do n’t humor [me]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava presses [her]_238-ava palms into [my]_0-i pecs , intending to push [herself]_238-ava away but getting completely distracted by the vast expanse of [my]_0-i naked chest instead , [her]_238-ava eyes sparkling with delight . The grins are coming thick and fast this morning . “ Earth to [Ava]_238-ava , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i whisper , knocking [her]_238-ava out of [her]_238-ava mesmerized state . “ [You]_238-ava know , ”_[0-i] [she]_238-ava sighs , keeping [her]_238-ava eyes on [mine]_0-i as [she]_238-ava lowers [her]_238-ava lips to [my]_0-i pec and drops a lingering kiss there , “ [I]_238-ava think even if [I]_238-ava were still young , [I]_238-ava ’d want to do [you]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] Laughter rumbles up from [my]_0-i toes , jolting [her]_238-ava on [my]_0-i chest . [I]_0-i feel [her]_238-ava grin against [my]_0-i skin , [her]_238-ava hands splayed and feeling [me]_0-i . Once [I]_0-i ’ve pulled [myself]_0-i back around , [I]_0-i roll [us]_1138-us , trapping [her]_238-ava naked body beneath [mine]_0-i . [She]_238-ava hisses , and [I]_0-i bolt up , worried . “ It ’s fine . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava sinks [her]_238-ava hands into [my]_0-i hair and plays with the strands . “ The floor ’s cold on [my]_238-ava back . How ’s [your]_238-ava hand ? ”_[238-ava] [My]_0-i eyes narrow , aware [she]_238-ava ’s trying to divert the attention onto [me]_0-i . “ [My]_238-ava hand is fine . ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i flex it a little , testing [my]_0-i own claim . A little sore , but that ’s all . Moving [her]_238-ava hands to [my]_0-i arse , [she]_238-ava sinks [her]_238-ava nails into the material of [my]_0-i boxers , circling [her]_238-ava hips up on a sultry hum . [My]_0-i cock wakes up , and [I]_0-i lift [my]_0-i hips to make room for it between [us]_1139-us , the ache instant . [I]_0-i groan , dropping [my]_0-i head . [I]_0-i need to rein [myself]_0-i in . “ [I]_0-i ’ve taken up far too much of [your]_0-i energy over the past couple of days . ”_[0-i] [Motorbike]_{130-motorbike} rides , dinner , arguing … sex . “ But — ”_[0-i] “ No buts . ”_[0-i] Begrudgingly , [I]_0-i rise , helping [Ava]_238-ava up and wrapping [her]_238-ava in the towel , ignoring [her]_238-ava grumbling . “ [You]_0-i need to eat . ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava shoulders slump , and while [I]_0-i ’m beyond thrilled that [she]_238-ava ’s struggling to contain [her]_238-ava want , [I]_0-i ’m aware of how much [I]_0-i ’ve taken out of [her]_238-ava , even if [she]_238-ava wo n’t admit it . [I]_0-i turn [her]_238-ava and lead [her]_238-ava back to [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} , sitting [her]_238-ava down before serving up [her]_238-ava eggs . Questionable eggs . “ Eat , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i order , putting the fork in [her]_238-ava hand and grabbing [my]_0-i phone . [I]_0-i just need to make a call . [I]_0-i dial [John]_60-jacob and leave [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} . “ [Sarah]_26-maddie rang [me]_0-i last night , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i tell [him]_1141-he quietly when [I]_0-i ’m out of earshot , looking over [my]_0-i shoulder . “ What the fuck ? ”_[1141-he] [He]_1141-he ’s not happy . Good . Neither am [I.]_0-i “ [I]_0-i ’ve fucking told [her]_238-ava . ”_[0-i] “ Well , [you]_0-i can tell [her]_238-ava again . ”_[1141-he] [He]_1141-he grunts [his]_1141-he confirmation . “ [I]_1141-he will . [I]_1141-he have . But [she]_238-ava ’s insisting [she]_238-ava needs to talk to [you]_0-i . ”_[1141-he] “ That ai n’t happening . [The woman]_238-ava ’s poison . ”_[0-i] “ [I]_1141-he know that . [You]_0-i know that . But [Sarah]_26-maddie ’s just as stubborn as ever . ”_[1141-he] [He]_1141-he sighs . “ [I]_1141-he ’ll speak to [her]_238-ava . How ’s [Ava]_238-ava ? ”_[1141-he] “ [She]_238-ava ’s good . [The club]_{2003-the club} ? ”_[1141-he] “ S’all good , ”_[1141-he] [he]_1141-he confirms . “ [You]_0-i concentrate on [[your]_0-i girl]_238-ava . ”_[1141-he] “ Thanks , [John]_60-jacob . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i smile as [I]_0-i hang up , and quickly take the opportunity to call [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} back while [Ava]_238-ava ’s eating [her]_238-ava breakfast . “ Hey , ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava sighs . “ [Jesse Ward]_454-jesse , [I]_238-ava am not — ”_[238-ava] “ Shut up , [woman]_238-ava . [I]_238-ava ’ve not called about the little shit . [I]_238-ava wanted to talk to [you]_238-ava about [Ava]_238-ava and [the kids]_{2010-the kids} . ”_[238-ava] “ Oh ? Everything okay ? ”_[238-ava] “ Yes , actually . Really good . And [the kids]_{2010-the kids} ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i do n’t need to ask . [I]_0-i can see it on [their]_1142-they faces every time [we]_1143-we talk . [They]_1142-they ’re fine . “ [They]_1142-they ’re great . Full of questions , but [they]_1142-they just need reassurance . Speaking to [Ava]_238-ava has helped . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i smile . “ [I]_0-i know it ’s been a week already , but [our]_1143-we first few days here were spent in tears . [I]_0-i ’m seeing progress now , [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} . ”_[0-i] It pains [me]_0-i to say it , and [I]_0-i miss [the twins]_{2012-the twins} terribly , but … “Can [you]_{424-elizabeth} give [me]_26-maddie a little more time ? ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie does n’t hesitate . “ [We]_1143-we were thinking of heading back on Monday . ”_[26-maddie] “ [I]_26-maddie love [you]_{424-elizabeth} , [Mum]_32-mum . ”_[26-maddie] “ Shut up , [you]_{424-elizabeth} menace . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie hangs up as [I]_0-i head back to [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} and take a stool next to [Ava]_238-ava , noticing [she]_26-maddie ’s not touched a bit of [her]_26-maddie breakfast . [I]_0-i nudge [her]_26-maddie when [she]_26-maddie places [her]_26-maddie fork down , flipping [her]_26-maddie a warning look as [I]_0-i slide [my]_0-i phone onto the counter , ready to commence force - feeding [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie . “ Stop staring at it and eat . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie sighs and loads [her]_26-maddie fork with a miniscule bit of egg . “ Who was that ? ”_[26-maddie] “ [John]_60-jacob . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i get up and pour some coffee . “ [I]_0-i was just checking up on [the club]_{2003-the club} . ”_[0-i] “ Can [I]_26-maddie see it ? ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie pops some breakfast in [her]_26-maddie mouth and chews slowly , watching [me]_0-i . “ See what ? ”_[26-maddie] “ [The club]_{2003-the club} . ”_[0-i] “ Sure . [You]_26-maddie eat all [your]_26-maddie breakfast and [I]_26-maddie ’ll take [you]_26-maddie after [your]_26-maddie therapy session . ”_[26-maddie] The flare of exasperation in [her]_26-maddie eyes makes [me]_0-i smile . “ Like [a good little wife]_{2646-a good little wife} ? ”_[26-maddie] Resting [my]_0-i elbows on [the island]_{2099-the island} across from [her]_26-maddie , [I]_0-i smile the smile [I]_0-i reserve only for [her]_26-maddie . “ Exactly like that . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i blow [her]_26-maddie a little kiss and start clearing up [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} . Maybe a visit to [[our]_1149-we health club]_{2003-the club} will jog something in that muddled mind of [hers]_26-maddie . Chapter 30 [The car park]_{2152-the car park} is jam - packed . [I]_0-i spot [[Drew]_53-drew ’s car]_{2161-the car} in [one of [the reserved bays]_{1154-the reserved bays}]_{1153-one of the reserved bays} and pull up next to it , quickly making [my]_0-i way around [the car]_{2161-the car} to help [Ava]_238-ava out . [She]_238-ava ’s quiet as [I]_0-i walk [her]_238-ava to [the modern building]_{1155-the modern building} . It could n’t look more different from [The Manor]_{190-the manor} . [The club]_{2003-the club} is still luxurious , but nowhere near as ostentatious . [The reception area]_{208-the reception area} is buzzing when [we]_1149-we enter . “ Is that [a salon]_{2647-a salon} ? ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava asks , pointing to one of [the four shop fronts on the first floor]_{1158-the four shop fronts on the first floor} . “ And [a beauty parlor]_{2648-a beauty parlor} ? ”_[238-ava] “ Yes , and [Raya]_54-raya operates from that one there . ”_[238-ava] “ What does [she]_54-raya do ? ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava lets [me]_0-i take [her]_238-ava hand , seeming a bit overwhelmed by the place already . “ Sports therapy . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i nod to one of [the girls on reception who quickly lets [us]_1149-we through the turnstiles]_{1159-the girls on reception who quickly lets us through the turnstiles} . “ And that one over there is [a health food store]_{2649-a health food store} . ”_[238-ava] “ It ’s like health heaven , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava says , smiling awkwardly when [the girls on reception]_{2010-the kids} all wave hello . “ And [I]_238-ava work here ? ”_[238-ava] “ [You]_{2010-the kids} sound disappointed . ”_[238-ava] When [we]_1149-we arrive at the juice bar , [I]_0-i spot [Drew]_53-drew through the glass window that overlooks [the pool area]_{1161-the pool area} . [He]_53-drew ’s at the top of the diving board giving [Georgia]_58-georgia instructions . “ Well , [I]_238-ava ’ve always dreamed of owning [[my]_238-ava own design company]_{2650-my own design company} , ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava says . “ [You]_{2010-the kids} gave up work to have [the twins]_{2010-the kids} . ”_[238-ava] It was way before [the twins]_{2010-the kids} came , but how [Ava]_238-ava came to leave [her]_238-ava employment at [Rococo Union]_{10-rococo union} is n’t something [I]_0-i ’m going into . [I]_0-i often wonder whether that [prick Mikael]_{131-prick mikael} still owns it , or if [he]_{131-prick mikael} sold it off as soon as [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie quit . “ When [the kids]_{2010-the kids} started [school]_2011-school full - time [you]_{2010-the kids} decided [you]_{2010-the kids} wanted to have an input here . ”_[26-maddie] A doubtful look lands on [me]_0-i . “ [I]_26-maddie decided , or [you]_{2010-the kids} made [me]_26-maddie ? ”_[26-maddie] “ [You]_{2010-the kids} decided , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i confirm , and order [her]_26-maddie favorite power shake . “ In [your]_{2010-the kids} words , [I]_0-i ’m crap at organizing financial stuff and [you]_{2010-the kids} were n’t about to let [someone else]_{267-someone else} do it . ”_[0-i] “ So [you]_{2010-the kids} pay [me]_26-maddie ? ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie accepts the shake , eyeing it suspiciously . “ Handsomely , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i reply , [my]_0-i voice suggestive and low . [She]_26-maddie tosses [me]_0-i a playful filthy look . “ Very funny . ”_[26-maddie] “ [You]_{2010-the kids} ’re [a director]_{2653-a director} , [Ava]_238-ava . Like [I]_26-maddie said , [we]_2654-we own it . ”_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i can tell [she]_26-maddie ’s happy about that , [her]_26-maddie lovely lips taking the straw and sipping thoughtfully as [she]_26-maddie gazes around [the bar]_{667-the bar} , where laptops clutter tables and [people]_2279-people chat post - workout . “ Hmmm , this is lush . ”_[26-maddie] “ Glad [your]_{2010-the kids} taste has n’t changed , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say , motioning [her]_26-maddie to the stairs that lead to the gym floor . [Her]_26-maddie face is suddenly bright and chirpy as [she]_26-maddie flanks [me]_0-i , [her]_26-maddie lips stuck to the straw . “ That would have been a bit of a shock for [you]_{2010-the kids} , would n’t it ? ”_[26-maddie] “ What would ? ”_[26-maddie] “ Well , if [I]_26-maddie came around and did n’t fancy [you]_{2010-the kids} . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie titters as [we]_1165-we take [the stairs]_{244-the stairs} , amused . “ So [you]_{2010-the kids} fancy [me]_0-i ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say , sounding casual and unaffected . “ [You]_{2010-the kids} ’re all right , [I]_0-i suppose . ”_[0-i] The nerve . [I]_0-i nudge [her]_26-maddie and [she]_26-maddie chuckles , coming to a stop at the top of [the stairs]_{244-the stairs} when the gym floor comes into view . “ Wow . ”_[26-maddie] Turning slowly on the spot , [she]_26-maddie takes in the vast space . It could take [her]_26-maddie a while . [A Bodypump class]_{1167-a bodypump class} is happening on the grid across the way , [a team of [serious weight trainers]_{1169-serious weight trainers}]_{1168-a team of serious weight trainers} are lifting in the corner , [a group of [women]_707-women]_{1168-a team of serious weight trainers} are speed cycling at the far back . And then [the glass - fronted studios]_{1171-the glass - fronted studios} are all full , one class or another happening in each . All the endorphins bouncing around [the place]_{2265-the place} are sinking into [my]_0-i skin , and [I]_0-i wish [I]_0-i could hit the treadmill . Exercise has always been a blessing to [me]_0-i , a perfect way to alleviate stress . And now , when [I]_0-i ’m the most stressed [I]_0-i ’ve ever been , [I]_0-i have n’t had the opportunity to expel it . [Many people]_{2140-many people} pass [us]_1174-us , [clients]_1175-clients and [staff]_2004-staff , all saying hello , smiling , clearly pleased to see [us]_1174-us . But [Ava]_238-ava does n’t recognize [any of [them]_{1168-a team of serious weight trainers}]_{2472-any of them} . [She]_238-ava just smiles awkwardly , becoming increasingly uncomfortable by the second . “ [I]_238-ava ’m here every day ? ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava asks , [her]_238-ava tone not cluing [me]_0-i in on whether that pleases [her]_238-ava or daunts [her]_238-ava . [I]_0-i ’m hoping it pleases [her]_238-ava , and then maybe [she]_238-ava ’ll lose that silly idea of working elsewhere . “ Yes , with [me]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava seizes [my]_0-i hand without prompt , clinging to it harshly . “ It ’s very loud . ”_[238-ava] Shit , [she]_238-ava ’s right . It ’s banging , nothing unusual , but [Ava]_238-ava ’s head is delicate . [I]_0-i pull [her]_238-ava on , keen to get [us]_1178-us away from the pumping gym floor to somewhere quieter . “ Here . ”_[238-ava] Opening the door to [[her]_238-ava office]_{2002-your office} , [I]_0-i usher [her]_238-ava in and shut out the noise . That ’s better . [She]_238-ava probably could n’t hear [herself]_238-ava think . [She]_238-ava wanders in quietly , taking in the space that [she]_238-ava frequents daily , [my]_0-i eager eyes looking for some recognition on [her]_238-ava face . [She]_238-ava finds the picture frame on the desk and lifts it , smiling down at the photograph of [us]_1178-us all . It ’s just another piece of evidence that this is real , that [she]_238-ava ’s not about to wake up at any moment and discover [she]_238-ava ’s been trapped in a dream . “ [[Your]_0-i office]_{2002-your office} is very nice , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava says , setting the frame down . [[My]_0-i office]_{2002-your office} ? “ This is n’t [[my]_0-i office]_{2002-your office} , [Ava]_238-ava , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say , taking [my]_0-i usual spot on the couch by the window . “ This is [[your]_0-i office]_{2002-your office} . ”_[0-i] [Her]_238-ava eyes widen a fraction , going on another little journey around the space . “ [Mine]_238-ava ? ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava questions , obviously thrown . Reclining , [I]_0-i smile at [her]_238-ava wonder . “ Yours . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i watch as [she]_238-ava pulls [her]_238-ava chair out from [her]_238-ava desk and sits down , tugging open a few drawers . [She]_238-ava takes something out and flashes it to [me]_0-i on a grin . Setting the red nail polish on the top , [she]_238-ava sits back , and [I]_0-i smile , thinking [she]_238-ava looks as sexy as ever when [she]_238-ava ’s behind that desk . “ [I]_238-ava feel very important . ”_[238-ava] “ [You]_238-ava are . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i kick [my]_0-i ankle up onto [my]_0-i knee and rest [my]_0-i elbow on the back of the couch . “ So where ’s [[your]_238-ava office]_{2002-your office} ? ”_[0-i] “ [I]_238-ava ’m sitting on it . ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava smile is given through a frown . “ [You]_238-ava work from that couch ? ”_[238-ava] “ Yes . ”_[0-i] “ And what work do [you]_238-ava do from there ? ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava kicks [her]_238-ava feet up onto the desk , while [I]_0-i kick [mine]_0-i up onto the couch , lying back , arms behind [my]_0-i head , all comfy . [I]_0-i wish [she]_238-ava could see what [I]_0-i see when [I]_0-i ’m in [here]_2274-here . [I]_0-i see [us]_1181-us on every available surface . [Me]_0-i between [her]_238-ava legs . [God]_373-god , how many times have [I]_0-i taken [her]_238-ava on that desk ? “ The only work [I]_373-god get done while [I]_373-god ’m in here is admiring [[my]_373-god wife]_238-ava . It ’s a very important part of [my]_373-god day . ”_[373-god] “ Slacking on the job ? [The boss]_{2656-the boss} is n’t setting a very good example . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m thoroughly amused by [her]_238-ava words . “ [Ava]_238-ava , [everyone around here]_{2657-everyone around here} knows that it is [you]_238-ava who ’s [boss]_{2656-the boss} . Not [me]_0-i . ”_[0-i] “ That ’s absurd . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava picks up a pen and starts to fiddle with it , weaving it through [her]_238-ava fingers in feigned concentration . “ [You]_238-ava ’re [a control freak]_{2385-a control freak} . [I]_238-ava ca n’t image [you]_238-ava let [me]_238-ava take the reins in [[your]_238-ava fancy health club]_{809-our health club} . ”_[238-ava] “ [I]_238-ava ’m only a control freak when it comes to [you]_238-ava . And it ’s [[our]_2660-our health club]_{809-our health club} . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava nods , thoughtful , gazing around . “ So while [I]_238-ava ’m slaving away , [you]_238-ava just lie there looking pretty , do [you]_238-ava ? ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i lift [my]_0-i head a little , eyebrows high . “ [You]_238-ava think [I]_0-i look pretty ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m playing it all cool , but inside [I]_0-i want to jump up and rock out to a bit of [J. Timberlake]_{132-j. timberlake} . [She]_238-ava ’s being rather open with [her]_238-ava attraction today . Almost blatant . Almost suggestive . It ’s no wonder [she]_238-ava has a headache : [her]_238-ava eye rolls are constant and impressive . “ How do [I]_238-ava concentrate with [you]_238-ava loitering around ? ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava goes into another drawer and pulls out a few files , frowning at [them]_1182-them . Then a calculator that [she]_238-ava sets to the side . And , finally , a nail file . [She]_238-ava looks delighted with [her]_238-ava find as [she]_238-ava takes it to [her]_238-ava nails . “ [I]_238-ava leave [you]_238-ava to work . ”_[238-ava] Fuck , what was [I]_0-i thinking bringing [us]_1183-us in here ? All [my]_0-i intentions to make [her]_238-ava take it easy are forgotten . Lost . [She]_238-ava ’s sitting there in [her]_238-ava pretty little sundress and flip - flops , [her]_238-ava hair a mess of loose waves , [her]_238-ava face makeup - free , and [she]_238-ava looks fucking edible . And that desk is calling . [I]_0-i throw [my]_0-i legs off the couch , getting up , and stride toward [her]_238-ava . The side - to - side motion of the file slows as [I]_0-i near , [her]_238-ava eyes lifting up [my]_0-i tall frame to [my]_0-i face . “ [You]_238-ava ’re not lying down now . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava points the file at [me]_0-i , as if [I]_0-i might have missed the fact that [I]_0-i ’ve got [myself]_0-i to [my]_0-i feet . “ Does that mean [you]_238-ava ’re going to do some work ? ”_[238-ava] “ Oh , yes . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i sit on the edge of [her]_238-ava desk , [my]_0-i gaze never wavering from [hers]_238-ava . “ [I]_238-ava ’m going to do some work all right . ”_[238-ava] Breath hitching . [Body]_133-body subtly fidgeting . Eyes filing with hunger . [Nipples]_134-nipples hardening against the material of [her]_238-ava dress . [My]_0-i eyes drop to [her]_238-ava crotch , [my]_0-i head tilting . [She]_238-ava ’s wet , too . [I]_0-i can smell it from here . “ Behave , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava all but squeaks , going back to filing [her]_238-ava nails , doing a terrible job of feigning coolness . [She]_238-ava ’s on fire . [I]_0-i can practically see the flames on [her]_238-ava skin . And all of these reactions have the usual effect on [me]_0-i . [She]_238-ava has [her]_238-ava usual effect on [me]_0-i . [This woman]_238-ava makes [my]_0-i veins burn . Makes [my]_0-i eyes sting just looking at [her]_238-ava . Makes [my]_0-i heart surge with adoration . “ See , that ’s always been a problem for [me]_0-i , [Ava]_238-ava . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i place the tip of [my]_0-i finger on the shiny wood of [her]_238-ava desk and drag it lazily across the surface . “ [I]_0-i ’ve never been able to behave when it comes to [you]_238-ava . ”_[0-i] “ Wherever , whenever , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava murmurs , lust spilling over every word . “ [We]_2661-we ’ve had sex in [this office]_{2662-this office} , have n’t [we]_2661-we ? ”_[238-ava] “ The couch , the floor , the desk , against the door . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i take [her]_238-ava feet from the desk and use them to pull [her]_238-ava closer on [her]_238-ava rolling chair , smiling when [she]_238-ava sticks [herself]_238-ava to the back . Plucking the file from between [her]_238-ava limp fingers , [I]_0-i flick it across [her]_238-ava desk and lower [her]_238-ava feet to the floor , straddling [her]_238-ava lap and placing a palm on either side of [her]_238-ava head . “ [I]_0-i have many fond memories in [this office]_{2662-this office} , [baby]_194-kate . [I]_0-i wish [you]_194-kate had them , too . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i dip , touching [her]_238-ava nose with [mine]_0-i , loving the feel of [her]_238-ava breathy pants hitting [my]_0-i face . “ But [I]_0-i ’m going to love making more . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i place [my]_0-i hand between [her]_238-ava thighs , going in for the kill . [I]_0-i ’m too wound up to resist . Last night has only made [me]_0-i hungrier for [her]_238-ava . And besides , [I]_0-i know [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie well enough to know when [she]_238-ava wants it , and [she]_238-ava wants it now . “ Spread [them]_2665-them . ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava legs split open immediately , and before [I]_0-i have the chance to kiss [her]_238-ava , [she]_238-ava ’s kissing [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i ’m attacked with brutal force , [her]_238-ava body up out of the chair faster than is wise , yet [I]_0-i ’m in no position to stop [her]_238-ava . [I]_0-i sit [her]_238-ava on the desk , putting [myself]_0-i between [her]_238-ava thighs . While [her]_238-ava mouth devours [mine]_0-i , [her]_238-ava frantic hands work the button of [my]_0-i fly , yanking impatiently , small growls backing up [her]_238-ava frustrated , fumbling fingers . [I]_0-i smile around [our]_1185-our kiss , [my]_0-i grip of [her]_238-ava hair gentle , contradicting [her]_238-ava force . [I]_0-i rip [my]_0-i lips away from [her]_238-ava , finding [her]_238-ava eyes . [She]_238-ava looks drunk . [I]_0-i draw back and pull up [my]_0-i T - shirt over [my]_0-i head . “ Who has the power , [baby]_194-kate ? ”_[0-i] “ [You]_194-kate , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava murmurs , reaching for the waist of [my]_0-i jeans and tugging [me]_0-i forward . [Her]_238-ava hand soon finds [my]_0-i cock , pulling it free and squeezing gently . [I]_0-i ’m so fucking thrilled that [she]_238-ava still knows that . Still feels it . Still wants [me]_0-i with a craving [she]_238-ava ca n’t control . [I]_0-i am [[her]_238-ava god]_{1186-her god} . [Jesus]_26-maddie . [This woman]_238-ava rules [me]_0-i . Controls [me]_0-i . [She]_238-ava keeps [my]_0-i blood chasing through [my]_0-i veins , [my]_0-i heart beating , [my]_0-i soul pure . And right now , [she]_238-ava does n’t even know it . [She]_238-ava needs reacquainting with the feelings that always cripple [us]_1187-us . That take [us]_1187-us to heights [no one]_{210-no one} could ever understand . The feelings that make [us]_1187-us [us]_1187-us . [I]_0-i think [she]_238-ava ’s more or less there already . Even before this moment . Even before [we]_1187-us made love . Even if [she]_238-ava ’s confused by [our]_1187-us connection and the natural reactions [we]_1187-us have to each other . [They]_1189-they ’re all still there inside [her]_238-ava , there to be uncovered . “ [I]_1189-they ’m going to fuck [you]_1189-they to — ”_[1189-they] [I]_0-i ’m interrupted from finishing [my]_0-i promise when the door of [the office]_{192-the office} flies open . And there ’s only a split second before a shocked yelp penetrates [the room]_{202-the room} . “ Oh [[my]_0-i God]_26-maddie , [I]_0-i ’m so sorry ! ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i just catch sight of a distressed - looking [Cherry]_26-maddie before the door slams , leaving [us]_1187-us alone again . “ Oh God , how embarrassing ! ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava scrambles up from the desk with the help of [my]_0-i hand . “ Who was that ? ”_[238-ava] “ [Cherry]_26-maddie . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i steady [Ava]_238-ava on [her]_238-ava feet and push [her]_238-ava hair from [her]_238-ava eyes on a smile . [She]_238-ava ’s all in a fluster , and it ’s sexy as hell . “ Who ’s [Cherry]_26-maddie ? ”_[238-ava] “ [She]_238-ava works for [us]_2668-us . Wait there . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i head to the door , damning [myself]_0-i for not locking it . Fucking hell , [I]_0-i ’m charged . “ [Jesse]_454-jesse ? ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava calls , and [I]_0-i turn , finding [her]_238-ava pointing at [[my]_0-i groin area]_{1192-my groin area} as [she]_238-ava dips to collect the things [we]_1193-we ’ve knocked from the desk . “ [You]_2669-you might want to put [yourself]_2669-you away . And maybe put [your]_2669-you T - shirt back on . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava throws it to [me]_0-i and [I]_0-i catch it , looking down at [my]_0-i crotch . Shit , [I]_0-i ’m hanging out all over [the place]_{2265-the place} . [I]_0-i hear [her]_238-ava chuckle as [I]_0-i continue to the door , tucking [my]_0-i cock into [my]_0-i boxers and fastening [my]_0-i jeans . Swinging the door open , [I]_0-i find [Cherry]_26-maddie standing outside , [her]_26-maddie cheeks crimson . [Her]_26-maddie gaze drops to [my]_0-i chest , [her]_26-maddie body visibly softening . “ Oh , there it is , ”_[26-maddie] [she]_26-maddie whispers under [her]_26-maddie breath . “ What ? ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie snaps out of [her]_26-maddie little trance and looks up at [me]_0-i . “ Good to see [you]_26-maddie , [Jesse]_454-jesse . ”_[26-maddie] The tone of [her]_26-maddie voice is effortlessly husky , and [her]_26-maddie eyes are flashing delightedly . [She]_26-maddie smiles , giving [me]_0-i the once - over again , hugging the files to [her]_26-maddie chest . The pressure pushes [her]_26-maddie tits up . Again , not that [I]_0-i ’m purposely looking . [They]_1195-they ’re kinda just … there . [I]_0-i ignore [her]_26-maddie blatant flirting , looking past [her]_26-maddie down [the corridor]_{195-the corridor} when [I]_0-i hear the sound of footsteps — heavy footsteps that can belong to [only one man]_{1197-only one man} . [John]_60-jacob strides toward [us]_1198-us , [his]_{1197-only one man} signature shades firmly in place . “ [Cherry]_26-maddie , ”_{[1197-only one man]} [he]_{1197-only one man} rumbles , nodding sharply at [the woman outside [[my]_0-i office]_{1179-my office}]_26-maddie before turning [his]_{1197-only one man} eyes on [me]_0-i . “ What are [you]_2670-you doing here ? ”_{[1197-only one man]} “ [We]_1198-us ’re not staying . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i pull [my]_0-i T - shirt on as [I]_0-i back up into [the office]_{1179-my office} to let [them]_1201-them in , ignoring the grin on [Cherry]_26-maddie ’s face . [John]_60-jacob spots [Ava]_238-ava at [her]_238-ava desk , [his]_{1197-only one man} smooth forehead crinkling a little . “ Hey , [girl]_26-maddie . ”_[60-jacob] “ Hey , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava says quietly , looking past [me]_0-i to [the woman who ’s on the threshold of [[her]_238-ava office]_{1179-my office}]_26-maddie . [She]_238-ava also looks wary . Maybe a little pissed off , and it ’s not because [Cherry]_26-maddie put the blockers on [our]_1202-our moment . [I]_0-i quickly move aside when [Cherry]_26-maddie wanders in , [her]_26-maddie arm brushing [mine]_0-i . “ It ’s lovely to see [you]_26-maddie , [Ava]_238-ava . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie reaches the desk and smiles brightly at [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie , who looks at [her]_26-maddie with a little suspicion . “ Sure it is , ”_[26-maddie] [she]_26-maddie mumbles , all hostile . “ Would [you]_26-maddie mind giving [us]_2671-us five minutes ? ”_[26-maddie] [she]_26-maddie says to [Cherry]_26-maddie , the question sounding like anything but a question , [her]_26-maddie tone flat , [her]_26-maddie smile sickly sweet . “ Of course . ”_[26-maddie] [Cherry]_26-maddie backs away , turning and sashaying to the door . [She]_26-maddie definitely straightens [her]_26-maddie back on the way , and [she]_26-maddie definitely has a little pouty - lips thing going on . Fucking hell . [I]_0-i roll [my]_0-i eyes and face [[my]_0-i annoyed wife]_26-maddie . Maybe annoyed is an understatement . [Seething]_135-seething seems more appropriate . [She]_26-maddie is n’t [a happy girlie]_{1203-a happy girlie} . And [I]_0-i ’m thrilled . [She]_26-maddie cocks [her]_26-maddie head in question , and [I]_0-i just shrug . What can [I]_0-i say ? “ [I]_60-jacob ’ve given [Cherry]_26-maddie a few more responsibilities in [Ava]_238-ava ’s absence , ”_[60-jacob] [John]_60-jacob says , maybe a little cautiously . “ Sorry if [I]_60-jacob ’ve upset [you]_60-jacob , [girl]_60-jacob . ”_[60-jacob] “ Do n’t worry , ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava grumbles moodily . “ It ’s not like [I]_26-maddie can remember how to do [my]_26-maddie job , anyway . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie picks up a few bits of paper from the floor and scans them before chucking them back on the desk and dropping to the chair . “ The accounts need to be kept in check , membership fees collected , [creditors]_{2672-creditors} paid , ”_{[353-the big man]} [the big man]_{353-the big man} continues , showing a rare pacifying side . “ [You]_60-jacob do n’t need to be worrying about work at the moment . ”_{[353-the big man]} [I]_0-i join [John]_60-jacob in [his]_{353-the big man} attempts to make [Ava]_238-ava feel better , because despondency over work is n’t good when [she]_238-ava ’s spouting off shit about other jobs . Over [my]_0-i dead body . “ [We]_2673-we need to focus on getting [you]_60-jacob well . ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava scowl is pointed at [me]_0-i , though [I]_0-i know [she]_238-ava ’s more annoyed with [herself]_238-ava . “ [I]_238-ava feel fine , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava grumbles , pushing [herself]_238-ava to [her]_238-ava feet . “ And [I]_60-jacob also do n’t need to be worried about some hussy coming on to [[my]_60-jacob husband]_454-jesse . ”_[60-jacob] [John]_60-jacob coughs , and [I]_0-i smile like [a madman on the inside]_{1205-a madman on the inside} . [She]_238-ava ’s not only being possessive over [me]_0-i , which alone is thrilling , [she]_238-ava ’s also being possessive over [her]_238-ava job . This is good . [She]_238-ava can quit with the stupid idea of getting another one . “ [No woman]_{2485-no woman} turns [my]_238-ava head unless it is [[my]_238-ava wife]_238-ava , ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i remind [her]_238-ava , wandering over and collecting [her]_238-ava hand . “ [You]_238-ava know that . ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava over - the - top pout is so adorable . [She]_238-ava wants reassurance . [I]_0-i ’ll give it , all day every day . [I]_0-i hope [we]_1206-we once again get to the point when [she]_238-ava does n’t need it anymore . “ [I]_238-ava know that . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava puts [herself]_238-ava in [my]_0-i chest , [her]_238-ava arms slipping around [my]_0-i back , [her]_238-ava cheek squished against [my]_0-i T - shirt . “ For such [an old man]_{2676-an old man} , [you]_{2676-an old man} ’re in high demand , [Jesse Ward]_454-jesse . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i recoil , and [John]_60-jacob laughs [his]_1207-his laugh that ’s capable of shaking [a building]_{1208-a building} . “ Go [home]_201-home , ”_[1207-his] [he]_1207-his chuckles , making for the door . “ [I]_1207-his ’m keeping [Cherry]_26-maddie in check . ”_[1207-his] “ Thanks , [John]_60-jacob . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i wrestle [Ava]_238-ava from [my]_0-i front and turn [her]_238-ava , leading [her]_238-ava to the door . “ Old ? ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava shoulders jump under [my]_0-i palms . “ [Your]_238-ava age does n’t seem to be making the slightest bit of difference to the attention [you]_238-ava get . That [Cherry]_26-maddie must be ten years younger than [me]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] “ [You]_238-ava being all possessive ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i kiss [her]_238-ava cheek as [we]_1209-we walk back to [the main floor of [the gym]_{182-the gym}]_{1210-the main floor of the gym} , [me]_0-i tailing [her]_238-ava , [her]_238-ava hands now resting over [mine]_0-i where [they]_1212-they lay on [her]_238-ava shoulders . “ Because [I]_238-ava like it . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava comes to a stop , and [her]_238-ava body starts jerking a little under [my]_0-i touch . Worried , [I]_0-i round [her]_238-ava . [She]_238-ava has the biggest smile on [her]_238-ava face . “ What ? ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i ask . Lifting [her]_238-ava arm , [she]_238-ava points , prompting [me]_0-i to look over [my]_0-i shoulder . “ Rowing machines , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava says , definite humor edging [her]_238-ava tone , though it ’s obvious [she]_238-ava ’s unsure why , a small frown marring [her]_238-ava smile when [I]_0-i return [my]_0-i attention to [her]_238-ava . “ What ’s so funny ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ask . “ [I]_238-ava do n’t know . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava shakes [her]_238-ava head . “ Do [you]_238-ava like rowing ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i grin , looking back at the machines , thinking [they]_1213-they ’ve developed a lot over the years . There ’s no way [I]_0-i could execute the perfect slide and hit on one of those things . [I]_0-i ’m so glad [I]_0-i kept [[my]_0-i old one]_{1214-my old one} . “ [We]_2678-we love rowing . ”_[0-i] “ [We]_2678-we do ? ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava seems surprised by the revelation . “ Am [I]_238-ava good at it ? ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i chuckle to [myself]_0-i , feeling [my]_0-i eyes spark with revived fire . “ [You]_238-ava ’re very good at it . ”_[0-i] “ What , like all romantic , rowing - on - the - river type of thing ? Sunshine , peace , and gooey romantic words ? ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava eyes gleam . [I]_0-i ’m about to burst [her]_238-ava idyllic bubble . [My]_0-i palm creeping across [her]_238-ava shoulders , [I]_0-i pull [her]_238-ava into [my]_0-i side and start walking [us]_1215-us away from the rowing machines . “ Not quite like that . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i feel [her]_238-ava look up at [me]_0-i in question , prompting [me]_0-i to go on . “ [Our]_1215-us rowing is very unique . ”_[238-ava] “ Why does n’t that surprise [me]_0-i ? So , come on , then . How do [we]_1215-us row ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i nod at [a few patrons]_{2252-the men} as [they]_{2252-the men} pass , [the men]_{2252-the men} wiping [their]_{2252-the men} sweaty brows with towels . “ It involves [me]_{2252-the men} sitting on the seat and [you]_{2252-the men} sitting on [me]_{2252-the men} . ”_{[2252-the men]} “ On those things ? ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava questions , stopping [us]_1215-us and turning to inspect the machines again . “ How is that even possible ? ”_{[2252-the men]} “ [I]_0-i do n’t think it is . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i look down at [her]_238-ava , grinning , and take [her]_238-ava hand , tugging [her]_238-ava back over . “ Come on , let ’s try . ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava resistance is instant , [her]_238-ava spare hand wrapped around [my]_0-i wrist trying to stop [me]_0-i , [her]_238-ava feet digging in . “ [Jesse]_454-jesse . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava ’s laughing , but it ’s loaded with nerves . “ [We]_2679-we ’re in the middle of the gym floor . ”_[238-ava] “ So ? ”_[0-i] [My]_0-i strength will always win , and [I]_0-i have [her]_238-ava where [I]_0-i want [her]_238-ava within a few seconds . [Her]_238-ava dark eyes scan the length of metal , worry written all over that gorgeous face . Keeping hold of [her]_238-ava hand , [I]_0-i lower [myself]_0-i to the seat and pat [my]_0-i thigh . “ All aboard , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i tease , and [she]_238-ava bursts into fits of giggles , the sound saturating the space around [us]_1217-us . “ Stop it . ”_[238-ava] “ No . ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i yank [her]_238-ava forward and have [her]_238-ava straddling [my]_0-i lap before [she]_238-ava can protest again , [her]_238-ava torso locked to [my]_0-i chest , [our]_1217-us cheeks pressed together . “ It goes something like this , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say quietly in [her]_238-ava ear , using [my]_0-i feet to glide [us]_1217-us down the railing . “ Slide . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i whisper the word and then launch [us]_1217-us back up until [our]_1217-us bodies jolt at the other end . “ And hit , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava finishes for [me]_0-i . The impact of [her]_238-ava chest crushing to [mine]_0-i , [her]_238-ava groin rubbing into [me]_0-i , the words that have come from deep within [her]_238-ava . It ’s a potent cocktail , causing wild activity past the fly of [my]_0-i jeans , activity that [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie has n’t missed . [She]_26-maddie pulls back , [her]_26-maddie palms on [my]_0-i shoulders , and tilts [her]_26-maddie head . “ Oh dear , ”_[26-maddie] [she]_26-maddie murmurs , wickedly grinding [her]_26-maddie hips into [me]_0-i . “ Now [you]_0-i stop it , ”_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i warn , quickly lifting [us]_1217-us from the seat before [I]_0-i ’m pushed over the edge of control and give endless members of [our]_1217-us club a show [they]_1219-they wo n’t forget . [She]_26-maddie giggles softly and puts [herself]_26-maddie in [my]_0-i chest , [her]_26-maddie hand on [my]_0-i nape pulling [my]_0-i lips down to [hers]_26-maddie . [She]_26-maddie kisses [me]_0-i hard . Possessively . [I]_0-i ’m taken aback , but in no way complaining . “ What was that for ? ”_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i ask when [she]_26-maddie slows the roll of [her]_26-maddie searching tongue . “ Just felt like kissing [you]_26-maddie . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie pulls back , pouting . “ [I]_26-maddie ’m allowed , right ? ”_[26-maddie] “ Stupid fucking question . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i turn [us]_1217-us to get [us]_1217-us on [our]_1217-us way , coming face - to - face with [Cherry]_26-maddie . “ Oh . ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava moves into [my]_0-i side , clinging onto [my]_0-i arm . “ Sorry , [I]_238-ava did n’t see [you]_238-ava there . ”_[238-ava] [Cherry]_26-maddie ’s smile is pushed through gritted teeth , and [I]_0-i sigh , tugging [Ava]_238-ava along before [she]_26-maddie moves into true trampling mode . [I]_0-i flip a tired look down at [her]_238-ava as [we]_1217-us take [the stairs]_{244-the stairs} . “ What ? ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava asks , all innocent and pouty . “ Nothing . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i fight to keep [my]_0-i grin contained . It ’s hard . Because [I]_0-i ’ve just been marked . Chapter 31 [You]_1221-you need to sleep . ” “_[1221-you] [I]_0-i want [you]_1221-you to finish what [you]_1221-you started in [the office]_{192-the office} . ” There ’s fire in [her]_26-maddie eyes . Pure , possessive fire . [I]_1221-you smile on the inside . But , and it pains [me]_1221-you to say it , [she]_26-maddie needs rest . [I]_1221-you ’m taking too much out of [her]_26-maddie . “_[1221-you] Bed . ” [She]_26-maddie gazes up at [me]_0-i as [we]_2680-we slowly take [the stairs]_{244-the stairs} , too many wicked intentions spilling from the depths of [her]_26-maddie dark eyes . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i want a bath . ” “_[26-maddie] [Jesus]_26-maddie , [Ava]_238-ava , are [you]_26-maddie trying to finish [me]_0-i off ? ” Wet , slippery skin wo n’t help [my]_26-maddie cause . On a little chuckle , [her]_26-maddie head meets [my]_26-maddie bicep , and [I]_26-maddie notice [her]_26-maddie steps becoming more labored as [we]_2680-we reach the top of [the stairs]_{244-the stairs} . “_[26-maddie] [You]_26-maddie can scrub [my]_0-i back . ” “_[26-maddie] [You]_26-maddie ’re evil . ” Entering [the bathroom]_{294-the bathroom} , [I]_26-maddie eye the huge marble tub like [I]_26-maddie hate it . [She]_26-maddie ’ll be lost in there all alone . Maybe [I]_26-maddie could join [her]_26-maddie , because [I]_26-maddie could easily get away with not touching [her]_26-maddie if [I]_26-maddie stay way on the other side . “_[26-maddie] It ’s massive . ” [She]_26-maddie breaks away from [me]_1223-me and starts drawing [herself]_26-maddie a bath , picking up a bottle of bubble bath from the side and taking it to [her]_26-maddie nose , inhaling before adding a massive dose to the running water . “_[1223-me] [We]_1223-me like having baths . ” [I]_26-maddie move across to the cream crushed velvet chair that sits in the corner and put [my]_26-maddie big body in it . “_[26-maddie] [You]_26-maddie picked the tub . ” [She]_26-maddie takes in the mammoth thing , humming to [herself]_26-maddie . “_[26-maddie] It ’s very [me]_0-i . ” “_[0-i] It ’s very [me]_0-i , too , especially when [you]_26-maddie ’re in it . ” [She]_26-maddie keeps [her]_26-maddie eyes on the filling tub . “_[0-i] So [you]_26-maddie ’re just going to sit there and watch [me]_0-i ? ” [She]_26-maddie slowly pulls [her]_26-maddie sundress over [her]_26-maddie head and takes [her]_26-maddie underwear off . Fuck . [Me]_238-ava . [I]_238-ava press [myself]_238-ava into the back of the chair , every muscle solid in an attempt to stop from shooting up and tackling [her]_26-maddie to the floor . [She]_26-maddie ’s playing games . “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava , do n’t tease [me]_0-i . ” With [her]_26-maddie chin on [her]_26-maddie shoulder , [she]_26-maddie coyly glances over at [me]_238-ava . It ’s wonderful to see [my]_238-ava temptress showing signs of returning to [her]_26-maddie former glory . Yet it ’s agony that [I]_238-ava ca n’t utilize it to its fullest . “_[238-ava] [I]_0-i want [you]_1224-my to have a bath with [me]_0-i . ” “_[238-ava] [I]_0-i do n’t trust [myself]_0-i . ” “_[238-ava] Did n’t bother [you]_1224-my last night . ” [I]_238-ava scrub [my]_238-ava palms down [my]_238-ava face , hanging on to [my]_238-ava resistance . [She]_26-maddie wants [me]_238-ava . “_[238-ava] [You]_1224-my ’re overdoing it . ” “_[1224-my] [I]_0-i feel fine . ” [Her]_26-maddie brown eyes , shimmering and bright , reinforce [her]_26-maddie claim , and the sense of satisfaction is unreal , but … still . [I]_1224-my shake [my]_1224-my head since [my]_1224-my mouth refuses to decline , and fold [my]_1224-my arms over [my]_1224-my chest . “_[1224-my] Suit [yourself]_1224-my . ” [She]_26-maddie shrugs [her]_26-maddie naked shoulders and steps into the tub as it continues to fill . [I]_454-jesse ’m not [a happy man]_{2683-a happy man} . But [I]_454-jesse just ca n’t deprive [myself]_454-jesse of the pleasure of looking at [her]_26-maddie . Admiring [her]_26-maddie . Thinking about how crazily [I]_454-jesse love [her]_26-maddie . So fucking much . Even now , when [she]_26-maddie ’s not quite fully mobile , [her]_26-maddie moves are graceful . [She]_26-maddie carries [herself]_26-maddie with a subtle power that has awed [me]_454-jesse since the day [she]_26-maddie wandered into [[my]_454-jesse office]_{634-my office} . [She]_26-maddie is , quite simply , [the most enthralling person [I]_454-jesse ’ve ever encountered]_26-maddie . And [she]_26-maddie ’s [mine]_454-jesse . Beautiful and elegant , with a sprinkling of sass . [My]_454-jesse head tilts in silent contemplation . A sprinkling of sass ? Not if [you]_2685-you consider [her]_26-maddie potty mouth . Then [I]_454-jesse ’m smiling , because [I]_454-jesse know that potty mouth is enhanced by [me]_454-jesse . Ironic , really . [I]_454-jesse ’m the catalyst for [her]_26-maddie foul language — the language that drives [me]_454-jesse to distraction . [My]_454-jesse mind continues to wander as [I]_454-jesse watch [her]_26-maddie swishing the water with [her]_26-maddie feet to build the bubbles . Last night was beyond beautiful . [We]_2686-we came together like [we]_2686-we ’d never been apart , and as [she]_26-maddie stared up at [me]_454-jesse while [I]_454-jesse lazily rocked into [her]_26-maddie , [I]_454-jesse knew [she]_26-maddie felt the overwhelming connection . Maybe [I]_454-jesse ’d hoped [our]_2686-we lovemaking would dislodge whatever ’s holding back [her]_26-maddie memories , but [I]_454-jesse did n’t dwell on the fact that it did n’t . [I]_454-jesse was too blindsided to care in that moment . “_[454-jesse] [Jesse]_454-jesse ? ” [I]_454-jesse ’m awakened from [my]_454-jesse thoughts by the soft call of [my]_454-jesse name , and [I]_454-jesse find [her]_26-maddie with [her]_26-maddie hand held out to [me]_454-jesse . “_[454-jesse] Please . ” How can [I]_454-jesse refuse ? Simply put , [I]_454-jesse ca n’t . [I]_454-jesse get up and strip down , drawn to [her]_26-maddie by an invisible force that ’s magic in its power . Taking [her]_26-maddie hand , [I]_454-jesse step in the tub and walk [her]_26-maddie forward a few paces , and then lower [myself]_454-jesse , bringing [Ava]_238-ava carefully down with [me]_454-jesse until [she]_26-maddie ’s snug between [my]_454-jesse thighs . “_[454-jesse] [We]_1225-we ’ll have some tub - talk . ” [I]_1225-we take [her]_26-maddie hair and push it over [her]_26-maddie shoulder and down [her]_26-maddie front . “_[1225-we] [You]_1226-you think [you]_1226-you can resist [me]_0-i ? ” “_[1225-we] No . ” [Her]_26-maddie arms come up over [her]_26-maddie head and circle [my]_1225-we neck , [her]_26-maddie head resting to the side , [her]_26-maddie eyes closing . “_[1225-we] What ’s Paradise ? ” [she]_26-maddie asks , the question coming from [left field]_{2687-left field} . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i keep seeing [blue sea]_{1227-blue sea} and … ” [She]_26-maddie pauses for a beat , thinking . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i think it ’s [a villa]_{1228-a villa} . ” [I]_0-i recline and slide [my]_0-i hands onto [her]_26-maddie tummy . “_[0-i] It ’s a special place . [We]_1229-we got married there . ” “_[1229-we] [You]_1226-you told [me]_0-i [we]_1229-we got married at [[your]_1226-you fancy sex club]_{1230-your fancy sex club} . ” [Her]_26-maddie eyes remain closed , only confirming the exhaustion [she]_26-maddie ’s trying to fight . “_[1229-we] [We]_1229-we did . [We]_1229-we renewed [our]_1229-we vows on [the beach]_{2634-the beach} . ” [I]_1229-we smile fondly . “_[1229-we] And then [I]_0-i took [you]_1226-you for a swim in [the sea]_{1123-the sea} . ” “_[1229-we] Sounds romantic . ” [Her]_26-maddie legs entwine with [mine]_0-i , slippery skin on slippery skin . “_[1229-we] Tell [me]_0-i how old [you]_1226-you are . ” Before [I]_0-i can utter a lie again , [I]_0-i give pause , wondering if it will truly mean anything to [her]_26-maddie if [I]_0-i continue with this game . So far , it has n’t spiked a damn thing in [her]_26-maddie mind . [I]_0-i chew over [my]_0-i next move for way too long and finally decide to bite the bullet . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i just turned fifty . ” [I]_0-i do n’t know what to expect . Maybe a gasp of shock . Or horror . Or … [I]_0-i do n’t know , but the silence seems worse , because no shock means [I]_0-i must fucking look [my]_0-i age . Long seconds pass . Still no reaction . Maybe [she]_26-maddie ’s fallen asleep . Or maybe [she]_26-maddie did n’t hear [me]_0-i . Or maybe [she]_26-maddie thinks [she]_26-maddie did n’t hear [me]_0-i right . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i said , [I]_0-i ’m fif — ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i heard [you]_0-i . ” Cutting [me]_0-i off , [she]_26-maddie opens [her]_26-maddie eyes and looks up at [me]_0-i . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i already knew . [I]_0-i just wanted to see how long [you]_0-i ’d keep up the blatant lies . ” [She]_26-maddie knew ? “_[0-i] How ? ” “_[194-kate] [Kate]_194-kate told [me]_0-i . ” [She]_26-maddie returns to [her]_26-maddie comfy spot and sighs , while [I]_194-kate plot [my]_194-kate revenge on [Kate]_194-kate . “_[194-kate] So [I]_0-i guess that means [I]_0-i do n’t need to handcuff [you]_0-i to a bed this time ? ” [Kate]_194-kate is forgotten . [Hope]_136-hope is back . “_[0-i] [You]_0-i remember ? ” “_[0-i] No , [Kate]_194-kate told [me]_0-i . ” [She]_194-kate chuckles , and [I]_194-kate sag in disappointment . “_[194-kate] [I]_0-i ca n’t believe [I]_0-i did that to [you]_0-i . ” “_[194-kate] Neither could [I]_0-i , ” [I]_0-i grumble , absentmindedly tracing circles on [her]_194-kate hips with the tips of [my]_0-i fingers , relishing [her]_194-kate subtle squirms . A comfortable silence falls , [Ava]_238-ava snoozing peacefully , [me]_0-i staring at the ceiling , happy to let [her]_238-ava rest undisturbed . [I]_0-i have a few precious days before [the kids]_{2010-the kids} come [home]_201-home to help [Ava]_238-ava find the breakthrough [she]_238-ava needs , and [my]_0-i confidence that [I]_0-i can is slipping with each hour that passes . With [the twins]_{2012-the twins} [home]_201-home , [we]_{2012-the twins} ’ll have to readjust all over again . Trivial things such as taking [them]_{2010-the kids} to [school]_2011-school will be an issue for [both of [us]_{2012-the twins}]_{461-both of us} — [Ava]_238-ava because [she]_238-ava does n’t even know what damn school [they]_{2010-the kids} go to , or where it is , and [me]_0-i because [I]_0-i never want to let [her]_238-ava drive ever again . Never want [her]_238-ava to leave [my]_0-i sight . Leaving [[my]_0-i family]_{358-my family} , even for only a few hours , has always been a challenge for [me]_0-i . Stupid , yes . Or maybe not so stupid , given where [I]_0-i am now . The first day of school for [the twins]_{2012-the twins} was one of the worst days of [my]_0-i life . [The teacher]_{2694-the teacher} did n’t take too kindly to [me]_0-i refusing to leave [the classroom]_{2695-the classroom} , and [Ava]_238-ava ended up dragging [me]_0-i out by [my]_0-i shirt . And to rub salt into [my]_0-i grumpy wounds , [[my]_0-i babies]_{216-my babies} did n’t bat an eyelid when [I]_0-i left . [I]_0-i sulked the whole way to work . But , of course , [[my]_0-i wife]_238-ava ca n’t remember any of that . Remember , [I]_0-i demand silently , boring holes into the back of [her]_238-ava head , willing the memories to rise to the surface . Remember [me]_0-i . Remember [us]_2697-us . This helpless feeling is n’t getting better , no matter how many new memories [I]_0-i ’m building in an attempt to replace [the old ones]_{2698-the old ones} . The old memories are the original memories . Back then , [she]_238-ava did n’t need to love [me]_0-i . [She]_238-ava chose to , even though it could be argued that [I]_0-i did n’t give [her]_238-ava much choice . Now , [I]_0-i ca n’t help the tinge of worry that this time [she]_238-ava really does n’t feel like [she]_238-ava has much choice . [She]_238-ava woke up with that ring on [her]_238-ava finger . [She]_238-ava woke up with a ready - made family . [She]_238-ava woke up to [people]_2279-people , people [she]_238-ava loves and knows , telling [her]_238-ava who [I]_0-i am and who [she]_238-ava is . [[My]_0-i wife]_238-ava . [The mother of [[my]_0-i children]_238-ava]_238-ava . [My]_0-i fucking world . [My]_0-i sigh is deep , despondent , and [my]_0-i chest lifts , rolling [Ava]_238-ava upon it . [I]_0-i flatten [my]_0-i palms on [her]_238-ava hips and stroke gently onto [her]_238-ava thighs , making wide circles across [her]_238-ava skin . [I]_0-i do n’t miss the slight tensing of [her]_238-ava body , and [I]_0-i notice [her]_238-ava nipples have hardened in the steaming water . [Her]_238-ava arms , still linked over [my]_0-i head , shift a little , as does [her]_238-ava bottom , catching [me]_0-i a treat on [my]_0-i growing cock . [I]_0-i cringe to [myself]_0-i and still [my]_0-i hands . What was [I]_0-i thinking , putting [myself]_0-i in the bath with [her]_238-ava ? Talk about a glutton for punishment . [She]_238-ava shifts again , and this time [I]_0-i growl under [my]_0-i breath , biting down on [my]_0-i teeth to get [me]_0-i through the amazing feeling of [her]_238-ava soft arse nuzzling [my]_0-i cock . [She]_238-ava ’s doing this on purpose , trying to break [me]_0-i , wear [me]_0-i down , get the upper hand . [My]_0-i hands take on a mind of [their]_2700-they own and slide a fraction inward , taking [my]_0-i touch to between [her]_238-ava thighs . [I]_0-i relax and let [my]_0-i senses guide [me]_0-i , and right now [my]_0-i senses want [her]_238-ava in every way [they]_2700-they can . [My]_0-i face plummets to [her]_238-ava hair and [I]_0-i inhale , [my]_0-i fingers creeping closer to [her]_238-ava center . [Her]_238-ava legs spread , opening like [they]_2700-they could be the gates to [heaven]_2701-heaven . [Her]_238-ava face turns out , [her]_238-ava cheek resting on [my]_0-i pec , [her]_238-ava eyes closed , [her]_238-ava lips parted . “_[0-i] [You]_26-maddie want [me]_0-i to touch [you]_26-maddie , [baby]_26-maddie ? ” [I]_26-maddie ask quietly , skimming the swollen lips at [her]_238-ava entrance teasingly before withdrawing , going back to circling [her]_238-ava thighs . [Her]_238-ava body arches on [me]_26-maddie , [her]_238-ava boobs lifting , sending streams of water pouring down the sides of [her]_238-ava body . “_[26-maddie] Is that a yes ? ” One hand leaves the back of [my]_0-i neck and reaches down for [my]_0-i hand , trying to put it where [she]_238-ava wants it to be . The fact that that ’s where [I]_0-i want [my]_0-i hand to be , too , is beside the point . [She]_238-ava needs to ask . Nicely . “_[0-i] Tell [me]_0-i , ” [I]_0-i all but growl , resisting [her]_238-ava attempts to move [my]_0-i hand . “_[0-i] [You]_26-maddie want [my]_0-i fingers where [my]_0-i cock was last night ? ” [I]_26-maddie break free of [her]_238-ava hold and take [my]_26-maddie hands to the perfect mounds of [her]_238-ava wet breasts , cupping each one . All [she]_238-ava seems to be able to do is mumble broken sounds of pleasure , water lapping [her]_238-ava body as [she]_238-ava gently squirms on top of [me]_26-maddie . “_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i ca n’t hear [you]_26-maddie . ” [I]_26-maddie dip and nibble at [her]_238-ava ear . “_[26-maddie] Lost for words , [lady]_26-maddie ? ” “_[26-maddie] Oooh , [God]_373-god . ” [I]_26-maddie smile . “_[26-maddie] That ’s better . ” [I]_26-maddie move [my]_26-maddie hands back to between [her]_238-ava legs and massage [her]_238-ava gently , keeping [my]_26-maddie touch just shy of [her]_238-ava entrance . Fuck , [she]_238-ava feels so good . So wet , so warm , so [mine]_26-maddie . [Her]_238-ava whole being goes lax above [me]_26-maddie , every curve melting into [my]_26-maddie chest and thighs , [her]_238-ava weight perfectly placed , [her]_238-ava arms back to curling around [my]_26-maddie neck . [Her]_238-ava head falls limply to the side , eyes drowsy , and [I]_26-maddie just watch [her]_238-ava , transfixed as [I]_26-maddie play with [her]_238-ava , tease [her]_238-ava , slowly breach [her]_238-ava entrance and withdraw again . “_[26-maddie] Feel good ? ” [I]_26-maddie whisper . [Her]_238-ava answer is a long , breathy sigh . [I]_26-maddie ’m fucking solid , but [I]_26-maddie have no desire to roll [us]_2702-us over and sink into [her]_238-ava . [I]_26-maddie just want to watch [her]_238-ava take the pleasure [I]_26-maddie ’m giving . All . Day . Long . [Her]_238-ava swollen flesh slides across [my]_26-maddie touch divinely ; [her]_238-ava soft walls suck [my]_26-maddie fingers in insatiably . The tips of [her]_238-ava nipples beckon [me]_26-maddie . [She]_238-ava is gorgeous . The only sign of [her]_238-ava slow build to orgasm is the increasing tension in [her]_238-ava body , subtle but obvious when [she]_238-ava ’s spread all over [me]_26-maddie , [her]_238-ava back slipping across [my]_26-maddie chest . Half of [me]_26-maddie wants to maintain this level of pleasure for [her]_238-ava , where [she]_238-ava ’s teetering on the edge , ready to roll over and seize [her]_238-ava climax . But the other half of [me]_26-maddie wants to hear [her]_238-ava scream [my]_26-maddie name . [My]_26-maddie control is taken away from [me]_26-maddie when [she]_238-ava suddenly spins , [her]_238-ava position putting the juncture of [her]_238-ava thighs perfectly level with [my]_26-maddie raging dick . Hands above [my]_26-maddie head , clinging to the edge of the tub , [she]_238-ava reaches forward , nuzzles [my]_26-maddie nose , [my]_26-maddie cheek , [my]_26-maddie chin , and then [her]_238-ava hips shift slightly , sending [my]_26-maddie cock plunging with ease into [her]_238-ava . [I]_26-maddie cough [my]_26-maddie surprise , gritting [my]_26-maddie teeth , every inch of [my]_26-maddie skin suddenly tingling . Breath is hard to find , control even harder . “_[26-maddie] That was sneaky , ” [I]_26-maddie pant against [her]_238-ava cheek , [my]_26-maddie cock pulsating wildly , desperate to lunge forward . “_[26-maddie] Be quiet , ” [she]_238-ava warns , attacking [my]_26-maddie mouth with a firm but gentle force , whimpering happily when [I]_26-maddie put up no fight . [She]_238-ava has [me]_26-maddie just where [she]_238-ava wants [me]_26-maddie , and rather than obsess with how uneasy [she]_238-ava ’s taking it , [I]_26-maddie relish in the knowledge that [she]_238-ava clearly finds [me]_26-maddie irresistible . [She]_238-ava wants [me]_26-maddie . Fifty years old , and [she]_238-ava wants [me]_26-maddie . Taking [my]_26-maddie hands to [her]_238-ava arse , [I]_26-maddie cover [her]_238-ava cheeks with [my]_26-maddie palms and guide [her]_238-ava in slow , amazing circles , grinding [her]_238-ava onto [me]_26-maddie while [she]_238-ava hums into [my]_26-maddie mouth , [her]_238-ava tongue fighting delicately with [mine]_26-maddie . What would [I]_26-maddie ever do without this ? Without [her]_238-ava ? [I]_26-maddie pull back , needing to see [her]_238-ava face , needing to check [she]_238-ava ’s real . “_[26-maddie] Give [me]_0-i [your]_0-i eyes . ” [My]_0-i heart ’s beating , hard and steadily ; [I]_0-i know [she]_238-ava ’s here , but [I]_0-i need to see those eyes . It ’s an effort for [her]_238-ava , but [she]_238-ava drags them open , [her]_238-ava lashes wet and heavy , [her]_238-ava brown gaze drenched with yearning . Or is that love ? “_[0-i] [I]_0-i love [you]_0-i . ” [I]_238-ava whisper the words , [my]_238-ava head dropping back against the tub , the muscles in [my]_238-ava neck failing [me]_238-ava . “_[238-ava] Words have never been enough , [Ava]_238-ava . [I]_0-i ’ve always had to show [you]_0-i . ” “_[0-i] Are [you]_0-i showing … ” [She]_238-ava fades off , [her]_238-ava forehead falling against [mine]_0-i on a groan . “_[0-i] Now ? ” [she]_238-ava whispers . “_[0-i] Are [you]_0-i showing [me]_0-i now ? ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m showing [you]_0-i every second . ” [Our]_2703-our eyes are so close ; [our]_2703-our lashes are touching . “_[0-i] With no [you]_0-i , there is no [me]_0-i . ” [I]_0-i ’m not telling [her]_238-ava this to frighten [her]_238-ava , or to make [her]_238-ava feel bad . It ’s not emotional blackmail . [I]_0-i ’m telling [her]_238-ava because it is a fact . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m dust without [you]_0-i . Hollow . ” [I]_0-i roll [my]_0-i hips , driving deeply . [She]_238-ava loses the ability to keep [her]_238-ava eyes open , and [her]_238-ava lids drop , [her]_238-ava fingers now gripping [my]_0-i hair . “_[0-i] Open , ” [I]_0-i demand , and [she]_238-ava does . “_[0-i] [You]_0-i are etched so deeply in [my]_0-i heart , it can not beat without [you]_0-i there . ” “_[0-i] Because it only beats for [me]_0-i , ” [she]_238-ava whispers , and [I]_0-i nod . [She]_238-ava gets it . In this crazy situation [she]_238-ava ’s in , [she]_238-ava completely gets it , and it ’s the ridiculous connection [neither of [us]_2705-we]_{2103-neither of us} could stop when [we]_2705-we met that ’s happening now and confirming it . It ’s telling [her]_238-ava what [we]_2705-we have . Guiding [her]_238-ava . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i do n’t know how [I]_0-i know , but [I]_0-i know . ” [Her]_238-ava fingers tighten in [my]_0-i hair , and the tiny clenches of [her]_238-ava internal walls stroke [my]_0-i cock , taking [me]_0-i closer to that special place . “_[0-i] Together . ” [Her]_238-ava murmured demand brings tears to [my]_194-kate fucking eyes . “_[194-kate] Always together , [baby]_194-kate , ” [I]_194-kate confirm , [my]_194-kate arms crawling up [her]_238-ava back and taking [her]_238-ava in a hug as [we]_2705-we carry [each other]_{2249-each other} to release , [our]_2705-we bodies crushed together , [our]_2705-we hips flexing in sync , [our]_2705-we eye contact never faltering . And when [we]_2705-we go , [we]_2705-we go together , [me]_194-kate holding [my]_194-kate breath to restrain [my]_194-kate roar , [Ava]_238-ava panting into [my]_194-kate face , [her]_238-ava jaw tight . “_[194-kate] Oh Jesus . ” Air bursts out of [me]_1235-you , the sensitivity becoming too much , though [I]_1235-you endure it , seeing [she]_238-ava ’s still riding the waves of [her]_238-ava orgasm . And when [she]_238-ava ’s over it , [she]_238-ava collapses on [my]_1235-you chest in a heap , gasping for breath . “_[1235-you] [You]_1235-you are the best sex [I]_0-i ’ve ever had . ” [I]_1235-you do n’t know whether to laugh or flip [my]_1235-you lid . “_[1235-you] For the sake of [my]_0-i health , let ’s just say [I]_0-i ’m the only sex [you]_1235-you ’ve ever had . ” “_[0-i] Possessive ? ” “_[1235-you] [You]_1235-you got that , huh ? ” [I]_1235-you jolt through a laugh when [her]_238-ava teeth sink into [my]_1235-you shoulder . “_[1235-you] [You]_1235-you ’re a savage , [Mrs. Ward]_26-maddie . ” [She]_26-maddie settles and [I]_26-maddie settle , too , relaxed , sated , and happy . And that ’s exactly how [we]_2707-we remain until the water is far too cold for [my]_26-maddie liking , and definitely too cool for [[my]_26-maddie wife]_26-maddie . [She]_26-maddie has goose bumps , no matter how much [I]_26-maddie rub [my]_26-maddie hands all over [her]_26-maddie back . “_[26-maddie] That ’s enough tub - time . ” [She]_26-maddie resists [me]_0-i when [I]_0-i try to get up , becoming a dead weight on [my]_0-i chest . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m comfy . ” “_[0-i] [You]_1235-you ’re cold . ” [I]_1235-you rise from the water with ease , [Ava]_238-ava attached to [my]_1235-you front . “_[1235-you] And [I]_0-i need to feed [you]_1235-you . ” “_[0-i] [You]_1235-you think [you]_1235-you can manage that without injuring [yourself]_1235-you ? ” [She]_26-maddie points to [my]_0-i hand , a look of dismay clouding [her]_26-maddie features . “_[0-i] That was n’t [my]_0-i fault . ” [My]_0-i curled lip returns , along with [my]_0-i resentment . “_[0-i] [You]_1235-you know , [[your]_1235-you mother]_{39-your mother} really has mastered the art of winding [me]_0-i up . ” [I]_{39-your mother} place [her]_{39-your mother} on [her]_{39-your mother} feet and take a towel , smothering [her]_{39-your mother} with it , rubbing at [her]_{39-your mother} wet hair while [she]_{39-your mother} stands motionless before [me]_{39-your mother} , letting [me]_{39-your mother} do what [I]_{39-your mother} ’m gon na do . “_{[39-your mother]} Something tells [me]_0-i it does n’t take much to wind [you]_1235-you up . ” [I]_0-i ignore [her]_{39-your mother} and turn [her]_{39-your mother} by [her]_{39-your mother} shoulders , leading [her]_{39-your mother} to [the dressing room]_{258-the dressing room} . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i like the black knickers . There ’s a matching bra just there , ” [I]_0-i tell [her]_{39-your mother} , opening [her]_{39-your mother} drawer . “_[0-i] And what ’s this ? ” [she]_{39-your mother} asks , reaching in and pulling something from beneath the tons of lace . [I]_0-i ’m suddenly facing [[my]_0-i nemesis]_{2709-my nemesis} . “_[0-i] That ’s nothing . ” [I]_0-i swipe the vibrator from [her]_{39-your mother} hand and hide it behind [my]_0-i back , [my]_0-i face contorted with the contempt [I]_0-i really feel for the damn thing . “_[0-i] Is that thing [mine]_0-i ? ” [She]_{39-your mother} looks alarmed . Welcome to [my]_0-i world , honey . “_[0-i] Nope . ” “_[0-i] Then what ’s it doing in [my]_0-i drawer ? ” [She]_{39-your mother} tries to reach around [me]_0-i to claim it , frowning at [me]_0-i when [I]_0-i step away , keeping a firm hold . “_[0-i] No idea . ” [I]_0-i turn and stalk away , set on finally throwing it in the trash . The last thing [I]_0-i need right now is a machine replacing [me]_0-i . Never . [I]_0-i need all of [her]_{39-your mother} pleasure . And [I]_0-i need [her]_{39-your mother} to need it , too . As [I]_0-i make it to [the stairs]_{244-the stairs} , [I]_0-i take the first step , but stagger to a stop when [my]_0-i arm is jolted , the vibrator suddenly gone from [my]_0-i hands . [I]_0-i swing around and find [Ava]_238-ava inspecting it , [her]_238-ava eyes running up and down the sparkly shaft . “_[0-i] Give it back , ” [I]_1237-i warn , with all the threat [I]_1237-i really mean . Eyes flicking to [mine]_1237-i , [she]_238-ava smirks . “_[1237-i] But it ’s [mine]_1237-i . ” “_[1237-i] No , ” [I]_1237-i correct [her]_238-ava , cupping [my]_1237-i cock and mildly thrusting [my]_1237-i hips forward , delighting in [her]_238-ava eyes falling to [my]_1237-i groin . “_[1237-i] This is [yours]_1237-i . That thing is n’t needed . ” With [her]_238-ava lips pressed together , [she]_238-ava gives [me]_1237-i a wicked smirk . Then [she]_238-ava flicks it on . The buzz . That fucking buzz has haunted [me]_1237-i for the past twelve years . When is the damn thing going to die ? “_[1237-i] Do [I]_0-i use it much ? ” [I]_0-i ’m not having this conversation . “_[0-i] Never . Give it to [me]_0-i . ” [I]_0-i make a grab for it , but [she]_238-ava ’s speedily taken it behind [her]_238-ava back . There ’s a playful glint in [her]_238-ava eye , one that [I]_0-i would pay endless amounts of cash to see permanently . [I]_0-i ’m not [the kind of man]_{2711-the kind of man} to pass up an opportunity , and standing before [me]_0-i is an opportunity . One that is goading [me]_0-i . Clearing [my]_0-i throat , [I]_0-i stand tall and roll [my]_0-i shoulders , [my]_0-i head cocked , [my]_0-i smile cunning . “_[0-i] Three , ” [I]_0-i state clear and low , taking one step forward , encouraging [Ava]_238-ava ’s one step back . “_[0-i] Oh , like that , is it ? [Your]_1238-your silly little countdown ? ” “_[1238-your] Silly ? ” [I]_26-maddie chuckle , if only for effect , briefly looking down at [my]_26-maddie bare feet , scuffing the carpet with [them]_2712-them casually . “_[26-maddie] No , no , [lady]_26-maddie . ” [I]_26-maddie peek up through [my]_26-maddie lashes , nibbling on [my]_26-maddie bottom lip . “_[26-maddie] [You]_26-maddie think it ’s far from silly when [I]_0-i catch [you]_26-maddie . Two . ” Another step forward for [me]_26-maddie , another step back for [Ava]_238-ava . [I]_26-maddie ’m not worried . [She]_238-ava could put a mile between [us]_2713-us and [I]_26-maddie ’d still catch [her]_238-ava . “_[26-maddie] Remind [me]_0-i what happens when [you]_26-maddie catch [me]_0-i . ” “_[26-maddie] One , ” [I]_26-maddie counter , lunging threateningly , smiling like [a crazy man]_{2714-a crazy man} when [she]_238-ava jumps back , startled , before quickly composing [herself]_238-ava . “_[26-maddie] Then [I]_0-i guess [I]_0-i ’ll find out for [myself]_0-i . ” [She]_238-ava shrugs , blasé , and flicks the vibrator off . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m [a fast runner]_{1240-a fast runner} . ” [I]_60-jacob fall apart on the inside . [Her]_238-ava bravado is cute . And a complete waste of [her]_238-ava time . “_[60-jacob] [Baby]_60-jacob , [I]_0-i always win . If [you]_26-maddie remember anything , [you]_26-maddie would do well to remember that . ” [She]_238-ava scoffs . [I]_60-jacob grin . [She]_238-ava narrows [her]_238-ava eyes on [me]_60-jacob . [I]_60-jacob grin harder . “_[60-jacob] Zero , [baby]_60-jacob , ” [I]_238-ava whisper , and [she]_238-ava ’s off , though not as fast as [she]_238-ava would like , [her]_238-ava limp evident . And [I]_238-ava suddenly wonder what the fuck [I]_238-ava ’m doing encouraging this . [She]_238-ava ’ll do [herself]_238-ava damage , and all because [she]_238-ava wants to prove a point . “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava , stop ! ” “_[238-ava] No way , [Ward]_26-maddie . ” [She]_238-ava hobbles off down [the stairs]_{244-the stairs} , and [I]_238-ava mentally kick [myself]_238-ava repeatedly for being such [a careless fool]_{2716-a careless fool} . [I]_238-ava do n’t run after [her]_238-ava , [I]_238-ava walk , though [I]_238-ava walk fast , ready to shut down this game immediately . “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava , [I]_0-i ’m not playing . ” [I]_238-ava see [her]_238-ava round the corner at the bottom of [the stairs]_{244-the stairs} , the vibrator waving above [her]_238-ava head , now buzzing again . [She]_238-ava ’s laughing . [I]_238-ava ’m not . [I]_238-ava ’m not in the least bit amused . “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava , for fuck ’s sake , stop running ! ” “_[238-ava] Not so [you]_1241-you can catch [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i know [your]_1241-you game , [Ward]_26-maddie . ” [I]_238-ava speed up , [my]_238-ava pace now urgent . “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava ! ” [I]_0-i roar , [my]_0-i patience fraying . Has [she]_238-ava no fucking self - awareness ? “_[0-i] [I]_0-i swear to [God]_373-god , if [you]_1241-you do n’t pack it in , [I]_0-i ’ll — ” “_[0-i] What ? Give [me]_0-i the countdown ? ” [She]_238-ava cackles . “_[26-maddie] [That ship]_{1242-that ship} ’s sailed , [Ward]_26-maddie . ” [I]_238-ava throw [myself]_238-ava down the final few steps , now fuming fucking mad , mixed with a ton of panic , too . If [she]_238-ava does n’t kill [herself]_238-ava with this recklessness , then [I]_238-ava ’ll do the fucking job [myself]_238-ava . [I]_238-ava hear the back door slam . [The garden]_{2056-the house} ? “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava ! ” Flying through [the house]_{2056-the house} like a hurricane , [I]_238-ava just manage to yank the door open before [I]_238-ava throw [myself]_238-ava through the glass . [I]_238-ava see [her]_238-ava running across [the lawn]_{2079-the lawn} toward [the trampoline]_{2719-the trampoline} . [I]_238-ava ’m gaining on [her]_238-ava , and [she]_238-ava looks back over [her]_238-ava shoulder , [her]_238-ava smile splitting [her]_238-ava face . “_[238-ava] Stop , ” [I]_238-ava warn , running after [her]_238-ava . “_[238-ava] [I]_0-i ca n’t believe [you]_238-ava ’d get so worked up over [my]_0-i Weapon of Mass Des — ” [Her]_238-ava words scream to a halt , and so does [her]_238-ava body , so quickly that [I]_194-kate nearly charge [her]_238-ava down . [I]_194-kate catch [her]_238-ava arms , and [she]_238-ava looks at [me]_194-kate , [her]_238-ava face vacant . “_[194-kate] Destruction , ” [she]_238-ava breathes , half - unsure , half - exhausted , [her]_238-ava stare stuck to the vibrator in [her]_238-ava hand . [She]_238-ava drops it like a hot potato , like it could be on fire , and takes [her]_238-ava palms to [her]_238-ava temples , squeezing [her]_238-ava eyes shut . [My]_238-ava heart rate rockets . “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava ? [Ava]_238-ava , [baby]_194-kate , what ’s wrong ? ” [She]_238-ava yells , [her]_238-ava body bending forward , like [she]_238-ava ’s trying to make [herself]_238-ava small to protect [her]_238-ava from something . What ? Pain ? Fuck , [my]_238-ava heart ’s going to fall at [her]_238-ava feet any moment . “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava , for fuck ’s sake . ” [I]_454-jesse take the tops of [her]_238-ava arms and bend , trying to get [her]_238-ava face in [my]_454-jesse sights . And when [I]_454-jesse do , [I]_454-jesse hate what [I]_454-jesse see . [Her]_238-ava expression is agony , contorted with pain . Oh [Jesus]_26-maddie , something ’s seriously wrong . Instinct steams forward and has [me]_454-jesse scooping [her]_238-ava from [her]_238-ava feet and running back to [the house]_{2056-the house} , set on calling [an ambulance]_{384-the hospital} , [a doctor]_{2722-a doctor} , or maybe even racing [her]_238-ava to [the hospital]_{384-the hospital} [myself]_454-jesse . “_[454-jesse] [Jesse]_454-jesse , stop ! ” Like [she]_238-ava could have turned [me]_454-jesse off , [my]_454-jesse feet slow , and [she]_238-ava wriggles from [my]_454-jesse arms , taking [her]_238-ava hands back to [her]_238-ava head and closing [her]_238-ava eyes . “_[454-jesse] There ’s too many . ” [She]_238-ava balls [her]_238-ava fists , obviously frustrated . “_[454-jesse] Too many what ? ” “_[194-kate] Things . Things happening in [my]_0-i head . ” [My]_194-kate heart that was racing only gathers more speed . Memories ? Is [she]_238-ava talking about memories ? “_[194-kate] Urhhhh ! ” [she]_238-ava yells , and bashes the side of [her]_238-ava head , and [I]_194-kate move in , seizing [her]_238-ava hands and pulling them away . “_[194-kate] Stop , ” [I]_194-kate demand , forcing [her]_238-ava arms to [her]_238-ava sides . “_[194-kate] Just stop it ! ” [She]_238-ava looks up at [me]_194-kate , squinting , [her]_238-ava forehead wrinkled with the effort it ’s taking [her]_238-ava to think . “_[194-kate] Take [your]_1244-i time , [baby]_194-kate . ” [I]_194-kate pull [her]_238-ava down to the grass and hold [her]_238-ava hands , letting [her]_238-ava have a moment to straighten out everything in [her]_238-ava head . “_[194-kate] Just take [your]_1244-i time . ” [I]_194-kate ’m trying so hard not to get carried away . Trying desperately not to let [my]_194-kate hope run away with [me]_194-kate . “_[194-kate] Tell [me]_0-i what [you]_1244-i see . ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i do n’t know , it ’s all fuzzy . ” [Her]_238-ava hands crush [mine]_194-kate , [her]_238-ava eyes wide and wild . “_[0-i] It ’s [you]_1244-i . ” Oh [my]_1244-i God . [My]_1244-i head drops back , and [I]_1244-i look to the sky , thanking [God]_373-god for this breakthrough . “_[1244-i] Where am [I]_0-i ? ” [I]_0-i drop [my]_0-i sights back onto [her]_238-ava , gently encouraging , moving in closer on [my]_0-i knees . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i do n’t know , but [you]_1244-i ’re mad . Really mad . ” If it was appropriate , [I]_238-ava ’d laugh . “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava , there are many times in [our]_1246-our history that [I]_0-i ’ve been crazy mad . [You]_1244-i need to be a bit more specific . ” “_[1244-i] [You]_1244-i ca n’t move . ” [My]_1244-i forehead becomes heavy with [my]_1244-i frown as [I]_1244-i rack [my]_1244-i brain for something that ’ll clue [me]_1244-i in on where [she]_238-ava ’s at . [I]_1244-i have nothing . “_[1244-i] Thirty . ” Looking up at [me]_1244-i , [she]_238-ava searches [my]_1244-i face for anything to suggest [I]_1244-i ’m following . [I]_1244-i ’m not , and [I]_1244-i feel awful that [I]_1244-i ca n’t offer any insight . It ’s cryptic . “_[1244-i] Thirty , ” [she]_238-ava repeats , now louder , and there ’s a bit of excitement building . And then [she]_238-ava ’s quickly standing up , looking down at [me]_0-i , virtually shaking with exhilaration . [I]_0-i do n’t know why . Thirty means nothing . Not being able to move means nothing . Together , [they]_2723-they mean nothing . [I]_0-i flinch when [she]_238-ava claps [her]_238-ava hands , holding them together in front of [her]_238-ava delighted face . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m thirty - fucking - seven ! ” [she]_238-ava wails . “_[0-i] [You]_0-i ca n’t move because [you]_0-i ’re handcuffed to the bed ! [You]_0-i ’re thirty - fucking - seven ! ” [Jesus Christ]_26-maddie . [I]_0-i breathe out , overcome , feeling like the sky is falling and blanketing [me]_0-i in pure , unrelenting happiness . It ’s too overwhelming , and [I]_0-i plummet to [my]_0-i back on the grass , looking up to the heavens in gratitude . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i remembered something ! ” [She]_238-ava dives on top of [me]_0-i , grabbing [my]_0-i face and forcing [me]_0-i to look at [her]_238-ava . “_[0-i] Not just words , but [I]_0-i saw [you]_0-i there ! Going fucking ballistic ! ” [Her]_238-ava lips land on [mine]_0-i , kissing [me]_0-i hard . Of all the things [she]_238-ava remembers , it ’s that . “_[0-i] Typical , ” [I]_238-ava mutter , feigning sulkiness when [I]_238-ava ’m actually fucking ecstatic . “_[238-ava] And watch [your]_0-i mouth , [Ava]_238-ava . ” [She]_238-ava ’s dropped enough f - bombs in the past two minutes to kill [me]_0-i off . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i will not . ” [Her]_238-ava lips leave [mine]_0-i , and [her]_238-ava face appears above [me]_0-i veiled by [her]_238-ava damp locks . The smile on [her]_238-ava face is enough to make [a grown man]_{2724-a grown man} weep . “_[0-i] Fuck , fuck , fuck , fuck . [You]_0-i ’re thirty - fucking - seven ! ” [I]_0-i fucking wish . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i hate to break it to [you]_0-i , [baby]_194-kate , but [I]_0-i have n’t been thirty - fucking - seven for a long time . ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i do n’t care . ” [She]_238-ava blinks , once , twice , and then rapidly , stilling above [me]_0-i , [her]_238-ava smile falling . “_[0-i] [You]_0-i were mad . And then [I]_0-i ’m mad . Why was [I]_0-i mad ? ” [My]_0-i lips press together when [she]_{745-another woman} casts [her]_{745-another woman} eyes back to [mine]_0-i . [I]_0-i know exactly why [she]_{745-another woman} ’s mad . “_[0-i] Maybe because [you]_0-i thought [John]_60-jacob freed [me]_0-i , when it was actually [Sarah]_26-maddie . ” “_{[745-another woman]} [Another woman]_{745-another woman} saw [you]_0-i naked and handcuffed to the … ” [She]_{745-another woman} fades off , blinking again . “_{[745-another woman]} Wait , why am [I]_0-i handcuffed to the bed ? ” [Jesus]_26-maddie , [she]_{745-another woman} ’s suffering a serious bombardment . [I]_{745-another woman} reach for [her]_{745-another woman} left hand and lift it between [us]_2725-us , pointing at [her]_{745-another woman} ring . Reminding [her]_{745-another woman} . “_{[745-another woman]} This , maybe ? ” [I]_0-i already told [her]_{745-another woman} the story of [my]_0-i proposal . [She]_{745-another woman} forgot ? “_[0-i] [You]_0-i ca n’t propose when [I]_0-i ’m handcuffed to the bed ! ” [she]_{745-another woman} sings , thrilled . “_[0-i] Wrong , ” [I]_0-i counter , and [she]_{745-another woman} looks at [me]_0-i , all care for the fact [Sarah]_26-maddie freed [me]_0-i gone . [She]_{745-another woman} ’s smiling . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i could , [I]_0-i would , and [I]_0-i did . ” “_[0-i] [You]_0-i ’re a case , [Jesse Ward]_454-jesse . ” “_[454-jesse] And that ’s just one of the reasons why [you]_0-i love [me]_0-i . ” [I]_454-jesse refrain from saying loved . “_[454-jesse] Tell [me]_0-i more . ” [I]_454-jesse roll [us]_2726-us a little , taking [her]_{745-another woman} to the grass so [she]_{745-another woman} ’s on [her]_{745-another woman} side facing [me]_454-jesse . “_[454-jesse] What else is there ? What else do [you]_0-i remember ? ” [I]_0-i ’m hungry for more , anything more . [I]_0-i can see the effort it takes [her]_{745-another woman} to think , trying to pluck more memories from the black pit that is [her]_{745-another woman} mind , and [I]_0-i ’m quick to stop [her]_{745-another woman} , placing a hand over [her]_{745-another woman} hip so [she]_{745-another woman} looks at [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i do n’t want [her]_{745-another woman} straining . “_[0-i] Do n’t force it . More will come . ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i want [them]_1249-them now . ” [Her]_{745-another woman} whiny voice and slumped body make [me]_0-i smile . [I]_0-i ’d love them all now , too , but patience is a virtue and all that bollocks . Which is a joke , coming from [me]_0-i . But , for the sake of [Ava]_238-ava and [my]_0-i sanity , [I]_0-i must n’t push [her]_{745-another woman} more than [she]_{745-another woman} ’s already trying to push [herself]_{745-another woman} . If anything , [I]_0-i should take comfort in the fact that [she]_{745-another woman} desperately wants to find [me]_0-i in that mixed - up head of [hers]_{745-another woman} . “_[0-i] Come . ” [I]_0-i get [us]_2727-us up and sling an arm around [her]_{745-another woman} shoulders , snuggling [her]_{745-another woman} close . “_[0-i] That ’s enough exertion for one day . ” [Her]_{745-another woman} mind and [her]_{745-another woman} body must be beat . [I]_1250-i walk [her]_{745-another woman} back into [the house]_{2056-the house} , following the sound of [my]_1250-i ringing phone . [I]_1250-i ca n’t disguise [my]_1250-i tenseness when [I]_1250-i see the number , because [I]_1250-i just know who it is . “_[1250-i] [You]_1250-i okay ? ” [Ava]_238-ava asks , looking up at [me]_1250-i with concern . “_[1250-i] Just a sales number . ” [I]_1250-i reject the call and block the number . Done . [I]_1250-i ca n’t risk [Sarah]_26-maddie knocking [Ava]_238-ava off [her]_26-maddie high . Too much progress has been made today . Great progress . [I]_1250-i ’m feeling hopeful , and dirt from [my]_1250-i past is n’t going to tarnish it . Chapter 32 [I]_1250-i open [my]_1250-i eyes the next morning to [Ava]_238-ava beaming at [me]_1250-i from where [she]_238-ava ’s lying on [her]_238-ava side , mirroring [me]_1250-i . [Her]_238-ava hand is on [my]_1250-i hip . [Mine]_1250-i on [hers]_238-ava . “_[1250-i] What ’s got [you]_1251-you so happy at this time of the morning ? Because [I]_0-i ’m yet to put [my]_0-i cock inside [you]_1251-you . ” [She]_238-ava chuckles , moving in closer until [her]_238-ava breath is spreading across the skin of [my]_0-i chest . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i love watching [you]_1251-you sleep . [You]_1251-you look so angelic . ” [I]_137-angelic smile sleepily and close [my]_137-angelic eyes again , wrapping an arm around [her]_238-ava naked back and pulling [her]_238-ava closer . “_{[137-angelic]} [Angelic]_137-angelic ? [You]_1251-you mean godly , right ? ” “_[1251-you] Right . And [I]_0-i ’m happy [I]_0-i remembered something . ” [She]_238-ava ’s on a high , so happy with [herself]_238-ava , just for remembering that small thing . [I]_0-i forbid [myself]_0-i to dwell on the fact that [she]_238-ava might not be so thrilled when everything else comes back to [her]_238-ava , the good , the bad , and the downright fucking hideous . It ’s kind of crazy . On one hand , [I]_0-i ’m willing the memories forward , begging [they]_2729-they come to [her]_238-ava . On the other , [I]_0-i ’m dreading it . [Part of [me]_0-i]_{2730-part of me} is hoping [they]_2729-they continue to drip through , little bit by little bit , giving [her]_238-ava a chance to grasp it all , rather than them flooding back and probably sending [her]_238-ava head into chaos . “_[0-i] Is that [your]_1251-you phone ? ” [I]_0-i frown , listening . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i must have left it [downstairs]_{256-downstairs} . ” [She]_238-ava ’s out of [my]_0-i arms speedily , and [I]_0-i ’m not too pleased about it . “_[0-i] Hey ! ” “_[0-i] It might be [the kids]_{2010-the kids} . ” [Her]_238-ava naked back disappears out the door , [her]_238-ava urgency hampered by that lingering limp . On a groan , [I]_0-i drag [myself]_0-i up , not bothering with any boxers , and make [my]_0-i way [downstairs]_{256-downstairs} . [I]_0-i find [her]_238-ava with the phone to [her]_238-ava ear . “_[0-i] That FaceTime thing is n’t working , ” [she]_238-ava says down the line , [her]_238-ava fingers in [her]_238-ava hair . [I]_0-i grin when [I]_0-i look down [her]_238-ava naked body , grabbing the coffee down from the cupboard . “_[0-i] Put it on loudspeaker , ” [I]_1256-dad demand . “_[1256-dad] Hey , [Dad]_1256-dad ! ” [Jacob]_60-jacob sings , followed by [Maddie]_26-maddie . “_[1256-dad] Hey . ” [I]_1256-dad grab the cups down and [Ava]_238-ava fetches the milk . “_[1256-dad] [You]_1256-dad missing [us]_1254-us ? ” “_[1256-dad] A little . ” [Maddie]_26-maddie sniffs , and [I]_26-maddie smile . “_[26-maddie] [Nan]_26-maddie said [we]_1254-us ’re coming [home]_201-home on Monday . ” “_[26-maddie] That ’s right . ” [I]_26-maddie look at [Ava]_238-ava and see [she]_26-maddie smiles to [herself]_26-maddie . ‘ What have [you]_1256-dad two been up to ? ”_[26-maddie] Do n’t ask about [the boy]_1256-dad . Do n’t ask about [the boy]_1256-dad . “ [I]_26-maddie ’ve been shell hunting on [the beach]_{2634-the beach} with [Hugo]_32-mum , ”_[26-maddie] [Maddie]_26-maddie declares , bold as fucking brass , almost proud , because [she]_26-maddie knows [she]_26-maddie ’s well out of trampling distance . [I]_0-i grind [my]_0-i teeth and throw a glare at [Ava]_238-ava , one that suggests [she]_26-maddie should take the reins before [[our]_1254-us daughter]_{2641-our daughter} ruins [my]_0-i mood . [She]_26-maddie takes the phone quickly and walks off , getting [herself]_26-maddie away from [my]_0-i bristly presence . [Hugo]_32-mum . Fucking [Hugo]_32-mum . “ That ’s nice , [darling]_32-mum . What about [you]_32-mum , [Jacob]_60-jacob ? Caught any more fish ? ”_[32-mum] “ A twelve - pounder today , [Mum]_32-mum ! ”_[32-mum] [He]_32-mum sounds so excited . Why ca n’t [Maddie]_26-maddie find something [she]_26-maddie ’s passionate about — something other than [boys]_2043-boys . [They]_2043-boys chat happily for a while as [I]_0-i busy [myself]_0-i with the coffee , and then [she]_26-maddie says [her]_26-maddie good - byes , a sad edge to [her]_26-maddie voice . [I]_0-i look up as [she]_26-maddie disconnects and sighs . [She]_26-maddie ’s falling into despondency . [I]_0-i need to distract [her]_26-maddie . “ Hey , eyes up here , [baby]_26-maddie . ”_[0-i] [They]_1259-they instantly flick up and find [me]_0-i . “ [I]_1259-they have a surprise for [you]_26-maddie . ”_[1259-they] “ Oh yeah ? ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie gives a cheeky grin as [she]_26-maddie places the phone down and wanders over to [me]_0-i , and it fills [my]_0-i heart with all kinds of feel - good shit . “ [You]_26-maddie have a one - track mind , [lady]_26-maddie . ”_[0-i] And [I]_0-i ’m so fine with that , but for today [I]_0-i have a date planned . Resting [her]_26-maddie hand on [my]_0-i chest , [she]_26-maddie beams up at [me]_0-i . “ Is it any wonder ? ”_[26-maddie] [Her]_26-maddie hands stroke down toward [my]_0-i … “ Whoa ! ”_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i laugh , quickly snatching [her]_26-maddie hand , stopping it from making it to [my]_0-i already growing cock . [I]_0-i ’ll be doomed . Shit , where the hell is this resistance coming from ? “ Stop it . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i sit [her]_26-maddie on a stool , smiling at [her]_26-maddie pouting face . [She]_26-maddie shrugs . “ [I]_26-maddie ca n’t help it . [I]_26-maddie only have to look at [you]_26-maddie and — ”_[26-maddie] “ [You]_26-maddie ’re wet . [I]_0-i know , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i finish for [her]_26-maddie confidently , and massively smug . “ [You]_26-maddie ’ll get used to it . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i flash [her]_26-maddie a wicked smile . “ So what ’s [my]_0-i surprise if it is n’t that ? ”_[0-i] “ [I]_0-i ’m taking [you]_26-maddie shopping for a new dress . ”_[0-i] “ What for ? ”_[0-i] “ [Drew]_53-drew and [Raya]_54-raya ’s engagement party on Saturday . ”_[26-maddie] [Her]_26-maddie eyes light up a little , but very quickly fade . Then [they]_1260-they narrow . [I]_0-i know what ’s coming . [I]_0-i ’m prepared for it . “ Do [I]_0-i get to pick the dress ? ”_[0-i] “ Nope . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i smile , smug , and head to get some more coffee . “ [I]_26-maddie do n’t think so , ”_[26-maddie] [she]_26-maddie retorts indignantly . “ [I]_26-maddie do . ”_[26-maddie] “ No way . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i turn and find [her]_26-maddie strutting out of [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} , [her]_26-maddie long hair swaying across [her]_26-maddie naked back . “ [I]_26-maddie ’ll find something in [my]_26-maddie wardrobe , thank [you]_26-maddie very much . ”_[26-maddie] “ Think again , [lady]_26-maddie , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i yell after [her]_26-maddie , smiling . And because [I]_0-i feel like reinforcing [my]_0-i authority around these parts , [I]_0-i yell some more . “ End of ! ”_[0-i] Chapter 33 [I]_0-i ’m watching [her]_26-maddie trawling through [[her]_26-maddie dressing room]_{1262-her dressing room} rails in search of a dress , anything [she]_26-maddie can wear for a posh engagement party at [Café Royal]_{141-café royal} . [She]_26-maddie has plenty of options , loads of beautiful gowns and dresses , mostly lace … [she]_26-maddie just ca n’t see [them]_1263-them . Because [I]_0-i hid them while [she]_26-maddie was in the shower . “ Found anything ? ”_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i ask casually as [I]_0-i slip on [my]_0-i white Ralph polo shirt , flipping the collar up a bit too cockily as [I]_0-i inspect [my]_0-i fresh face in the mirror . Slowly , [she]_26-maddie turns to face [me]_0-i , [her]_26-maddie eyes raging as [I]_0-i spritz [myself]_0-i with [her]_26-maddie favorite cologne . “ What have [you]_26-maddie done with [them]_2732-them ? ”_[26-maddie] “ What ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ask past [my]_0-i reflection , all innocent . [I]_0-i ’m not fooling [her]_26-maddie . [She]_26-maddie ’s been through [her]_26-maddie wardrobes enough since [she]_26-maddie was discharged to realize there are piles of things missing . Namely , anything [she]_26-maddie could wear for an engagement party . Pointing back to one of [her]_26-maddie wardrobes , [her]_26-maddie jaw goes all tight . “ All [my]_26-maddie dresses are gone . ”_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i turn and crane [my]_0-i neck , feigning interest as [I]_0-i look past [her]_26-maddie to the sparse wardrobe . “ That ’s a damn shame . Then [we]_2733-we ’ll have to go buy [you]_2734-you a new one . ”_[0-i] “ [You]_2734-you ’re impossible . ”_[26-maddie] Nostrils flaring , [she]_26-maddie grabs a pair of jeans and yanks them up [her]_26-maddie legs before throwing , quite literally , a shoulderless top over [her]_26-maddie head . “ How have [I]_26-maddie lived like this for so many years ? ”_[26-maddie] Baseball bat , meet [my]_0-i stomach . [I]_0-i very nearly launch into a rant and remind [her]_26-maddie that [she]_26-maddie loves [me]_0-i choosing [her]_26-maddie clothes , yet the shred of reason [I]_0-i have holds [me]_0-i back . Because [I]_0-i ’m not dealing with [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie , [per se]_{1265-per se} . [I]_0-i ’m dealing with [the woman [I]_0-i met who fought [me]_0-i at every turn]_{1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn} . Yet [I]_0-i was a lot younger then , had more energy . And though [I]_0-i felt the stakes were high , [they]_1267-they were n’t quite on this level . [My]_0-i reason is fraying fast . “ There ’s no fucking need for that , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i snap , turning on [my]_0-i heels and walking away before [I]_0-i lower both [our]_1268-our moods further and lose [my]_0-i head . “ [I]_0-i just want to buy [you]_0-i a new dress . So fucking kill [me]_0-i , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i growl at thin air as [I]_0-i stalk toward [the stairs]_{244-the stairs} . Just a fucking dress . A simple fucking dress . “ [Jesse]_454-jesse , ”_{[1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn]} [she]_{1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn} calls after [me]_0-i , appearing across the landing when [I]_0-i reach the top of [the stairs]_{244-the stairs} . [I]_0-i glower , and [she]_{1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn} sighs . “ [I]_{1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn} ’d love it if [you]_{1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn} were to buy [me]_{1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn} a dress . ”_{[1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn]} [She]_{1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn} ’s pacifying [me]_0-i . Good . [I]_0-i need it . “ Any dress [you]_{1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn} choose . ”_{[1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn]} “ Any ? ”_{[1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn]} With no argument from [her]_{1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn} at all ? There must be a catch . “ Any . ”_{[1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn]} [She]_{1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn} pushes the confirmation through [her]_{1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn} tight jaw with a ton of effort . [My]_0-i smile is n’t victorious , just genuinely happy . [She]_{1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn} ’s flexing . It ’s a huge step in the right direction , a step closer to the dynamics of [our]_1270-our relationship that keep [me]_0-i calm . “ [Your]_{1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn} Punishment Fuck is canceled . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i extend [my]_0-i hand in offer , and on a small shake of [her]_{1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn} head , [she]_{1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn} comes to [me]_0-i . “ See how happy [you]_{1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn} make [me]_{1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn} when [you]_{1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn} comply ? ”_{[1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn]} [Her]_{1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn} quiet laugh as [we]_1270-our take the stairs together only increases [my]_0-i happiness . “ Why ca n’t [you]_{1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn} just graciously accept [my]_{1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn} gesture and not be such an arrogant , unreasonable twat about it ? ”_{[1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn]} “ Because [me]_{1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn} being [an arrogant , unreasonable twat]_{2735-an arrogant , unreasonable twat} is all part of [our]_1270-our normal . ”_{[1266-the woman i met who fought me at every turn]} Grabbing [my]_0-i keys from the cabinet and handing [Ava]_238-ava [her]_238-ava bag , [I]_0-i walk [us]_1270-our to [the car]_{2161-the car} . “ [I]_0-i ’d be a fraud if [I]_0-i tried to pass [myself]_0-i off as anything less . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i open the car door and sweep [my]_0-i arm out in a gesture . “ [[My]_238-ava lady]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] Resting [her]_238-ava forearm on top of the door , [she]_238-ava sits [her]_238-ava chin on it , eyeing [me]_0-i up . “ So basically [our]_1270-our normal is [you]_238-ava throwing [your]_238-ava orders around and [me]_238-ava obeying ? ”_[238-ava] “ If the shoe fits . ”_[238-ava] “ What if it does n’t ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i dip and startle [her]_238-ava with a forceful , lingering kiss on [her]_238-ava lips . “ Oh , but it does , [lady]_238-ava . And [I]_238-ava know [you]_238-ava feel it deep inside [you]_238-ava . Stop fighting it . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava ’ll never stop fighting it . And [I]_0-i do n’t want [her]_238-ava to . [She]_238-ava keeps [me]_0-i on [my]_0-i toes , as [I]_0-i keep [her]_238-ava on [hers]_238-ava . It might send [me]_0-i wild , but every pound of [my]_0-i heart when [we]_1272-we ’re sparring with words is the sign [I]_0-i need to tell [me]_0-i that [I]_0-i am alive and [she]_238-ava is with [me]_0-i . * * * [The boutique [I]_0-i chose]_{1273-the boutique i chose} is the very one [I]_0-i followed [Ava]_238-ava to all those years ago , the one where [she]_238-ava bought that wretched dress that [I]_0-i cut off [her]_238-ava body some days later . [My]_0-i choice is n’t an accident . [I]_0-i ’m hoping it might nudge something for [her]_238-ava , anything to give [me]_0-i another rush of contentment when [she]_238-ava remembers something . [The store]_{1274-the store} is full of endless suitable options . Yet [Ava]_238-ava seems to be passing each and every one of [them]_1275-them up . “ [I]_238-ava like this one . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava pulls out a micro cream thing , not too dissimilar to the poor excuse of a dress [she]_238-ava bought the last time [we]_1276-we were [here]_2274-here . It was n’t suitable twelve years ago , and it is n’t now , either . And it has nothing to do with [her]_238-ava age . “ [I]_0-i do n’t , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i counter dismissively , taking it from [her]_238-ava hand and hanging it back on the rail . “ What about this one ? ”_[0-i] A peach strappy thing is presented to [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i shake [my]_0-i head , and [Ava]_238-ava rolls [her]_238-ava eyes . “ This one ? ”_[238-ava] “ Nope . ”_[238-ava] “ This one ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i toss [her]_238-ava a dark look , and [she]_238-ava flops to a nearby velvet couch in exasperation . “ Surely [I]_238-ava have some say in this . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava ’s purposely pulling out dresses that [she]_238-ava knows will send [me]_0-i batty . Driving [me]_0-i crazy is obviously ingrained into [her]_238-ava . “ [You]_238-ava love everything [I]_0-i choose . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i flick through the rails and [home]_201-home in on something lace , pulling it out and looking it up and down . It ’s fitted , will showcase [her]_238-ava every perfect curve , and it ’ll sit just below the knee . “ Perfect , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i declare , handing it to [the assistant]_{1279-the assistant} . “ [She]_238-ava ’ll try this one . ”_[0-i] “ Yes , [sir]_{1279-the assistant} . ”_{[1279-the assistant]} [The assistant]_{1279-the assistant} scuttles off to place the dress in [the changing room]_{1280-the changing room} , and [I]_0-i smile , all happy with [myself]_0-i . Until [I]_0-i find [I]_0-i ’m being glared at . “ What ? ”_[0-i] “ [You]_238-ava did n’t even ask if [I]_0-i liked it . ”_[0-i] “ [You]_238-ava said [I]_0-i could choose . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i laugh , pulling [her]_238-ava up from the couch . [Her]_238-ava resistance is pathetic . “ Yes , but [you]_238-ava did n’t even consult [me]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] Snatching [her]_238-ava hand back , [she]_238-ava marches off to [the dressing room]_{258-the dressing room} , pulling a few random dresses from the rails on [her]_238-ava way , just to prove a point . [I]_0-i inhale some patience and follow on behind . [She]_238-ava ’s being defiant for the sake of it . “ Do [you]_238-ava like the dress ? ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i ask , being quickly flashed by very displeased , puckered lips over [her]_238-ava shoulder . But [I]_0-i get no answer , making [me]_0-i smile . “ Well ? ”_[0-i] “ That ’s not the point . ”_[238-ava] “ Yes , it ’s the point , [Ava]_238-ava . [I]_0-i have good taste and [I]_0-i know exactly what ’ll look lovely on [[my]_0-i wife]_238-ava . That dress will look lovely . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i point to the others in [her]_238-ava hand , the unapproved dresses . Yes , [they]_1282-they ’ll look lovely , too , but [I]_0-i ’m likely to be arrested for murder if [she]_238-ava wears [them]_1282-they . “ Those are a no - go . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i take them from [her]_238-ava hand and toss them aside . Scowling at [me]_0-i , [she]_238-ava yanks the curtain closed , but no sooner have [I]_0-i lost sight of [her]_238-ava , [I]_0-i have it back again when [she]_238-ava whips the curtain back across , [her]_238-ava eyes wide , some kind of recognition on [her]_238-ava face . “ [We]_1283-we ’ve been here before . ”_[238-ava] “ Yes ! ”_[238-ava] Both of [our]_1283-we gripes are forgotten with the promise of another recollection . [I]_0-i move in closer , waiting for [her]_238-ava to give [me]_0-i more . [Her]_238-ava head tilts , and [she]_238-ava looks down [the corridor]_{195-the corridor} to [the store]_{1274-the store} . “ [I]_238-ava bought a dress . ”_[238-ava] “ Yes . Go on . ”_[238-ava] Turning [her]_238-ava eyes onto [me]_0-i , [she]_238-ava brings [her]_238-ava hands to [her]_238-ava face , the strain from thinking so hard clear . “ [I]_238-ava bought it [here]_2274-here ! The dress [you]_238-ava cut off [my]_238-ava body , [I]_238-ava bought it here in [this very shop]_2274-here ! ”_[238-ava] “ Yes ! ”_[0-i] Fuck [me]_0-i , it worked ! “ [Jesse]_454-jesse , [I]_238-ava remembered something else ! ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava virtually dives at [me]_0-i , and [I]_0-i catch [her]_238-ava , hauling [her]_238-ava up [my]_0-i body and holding [her]_238-ava tightly . “ That dress cost [me]_238-ava a bomb . ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava face in [my]_0-i neck , [she]_238-ava laughs against [my]_0-i skin , [her]_238-ava arms wrapped so tightly around [my]_0-i neck . “ And [you]_2737-you wearing it cost [me]_0-i a few heart attacks , [lady]_238-ava . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m smiling through [my]_0-i scolding words , absolutely beside [myself]_0-i with joy . “ There ’s something else . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava wrestles free of [me]_0-i , [her]_238-ava front rubbing [mine]_0-i as [she]_238-ava slides down [my]_0-i body , [her]_238-ava palms resting on [my]_0-i pecs , [her]_238-ava eyes darting across the material of [my]_0-i Ralph shirt . “ What is it , [baby]_194-kate ? Take [your]_194-kate time . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i walk [us]_1286-us across to a chaise and sit [her]_238-ava down , holding [her]_238-ava hands while [she]_238-ava thinks . [I]_0-i ’m all hunched over , trying to see [her]_238-ava eyes as [they]_1287-they jump across [her]_238-ava lap . “ [You]_194-kate ’re in [your]_194-kate boxers . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i shrug . “ Not unusual . ”_[0-i] “ But [you]_194-kate ’re outside . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava looks at [me]_0-i , the corners of [her]_238-ava lips tweaking . “ [You]_194-kate ’re chasing [me]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] A full - blown smile breaks . “ [I]_238-ava ’m in the dress and [you]_194-kate ’re chasing [me]_238-ava down [the street]_{236-the street} . ”_[238-ava] It was across [a car park]_{1288-a car park} , actually , but whatever . [She]_238-ava ’s nearly there . “ And then … ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava smile fades and [she]_238-ava frowns . And then [she]_238-ava gasps , jumping up from the chaise , looking down at [my]_0-i groin . “ [I]_238-ava ’m pinned to the bed ? [You]_194-kate ’re … ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava mouth falls open . “ [You]_194-kate pleasured [yourself]_194-kate and ejaculated all over [me]_0-i ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m so fucking happy , [my]_0-i face could split . “ Yes , yes , [I]_0-i did that . ”_[0-i] Except that was before [she]_238-ava escaped in the dress . Not that it matters . It ’s all a little jumbled in [her]_238-ava head , but it ’s all still there . There ’s another gasp , except this time it is n’t from [Ava]_238-ava . [We]_1289-we both look to the side and find [the assistant]_{1279-the assistant} staring at [us]_1289-we in horror , before [she]_238-ava realizes [we]_1289-we ’ve seen [her]_238-ava and makes a mad dash for [the shop floor]_{1291-the shop floor} , [her]_238-ava cheeks on fire . [I]_0-i look at [Ava]_238-ava , [my]_0-i mouth forming an O. [Ava]_238-ava looks at [me]_0-i , eyes sparkling happily . And [we]_1289-we laugh . [We]_1289-we laugh so hard and so loudly , [the shop]_{1292-the shop} must be shaking under the force . [Ava]_238-ava falls into [me]_0-i , catching [me]_0-i by surprise , and takes [us]_1289-we crashing to the dressing room floor , where [we]_1289-we roll and chuckle like a pair of [silly kids]_{1293-silly kids} , not a care in [the fucking world]_{1294-the fucking world} . [Ava]_238-ava ’s not horrified by [her]_238-ava newfound knowledge . Just amused , and so pleased [she]_238-ava remembered something . [I]_0-i ’m fucking delirious with happiness . The sound of [someone]_293-someone clearing [their]_293-someone throat pulls [us]_1289-we from [our]_1289-we hysteria , and [I]_0-i prop [myself]_0-i up on [my]_0-i elbows , finding [another lady looming over [us]_1289-we]_{1296-another lady looming over us} , this one older than [the assistant]_{1279-the assistant} , [her]_{1296-another lady looming over us} arms crossed over [her]_{1296-another lady looming over us} chest . “ [I]_{1296-another lady looming over us} ’m [the store owner]_{1279-the assistant} . Can [I]_{1296-another lady looming over us} help ? ”_{[1296-another lady looming over us]} What [she]_{1296-another lady looming over us} means is , can [she]_{1296-another lady looming over us} help with ejecting [us]_1289-we from [[her]_{1296-another lady looming over us} lovely boutique]_{1298-her lovely boutique} . “ [We]_1289-we ’ll take all the dresses , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i declare , immediately wiping the look of disapproval from [her]_{1296-another lady looming over us} face . [She]_{1296-another lady looming over us} starts falling over [her]_{1296-another lady looming over us} feet to help [us]_1289-we , though not up off the floor . “ [We]_1289-we have a lovely pair of heels that complement the cream dress beautifully , [sir]_373-god , ”_{[1296-another lady looming over us]} [she]_{1296-another lady looming over us} says , gathering the dresses from the hook , stepping over [our]_1289-we splayed bodies on the floor to reach [them]_1289-we . “ [We]_1289-we ’ll take them . ”_{[1296-another lady looming over us]} [She]_{1296-another lady looming over us} ’s delighted . “ And a stunning purse to match . ”_{[1296-another lady looming over us]} “ Pack it up . ”_{[1296-another lady looming over us]} “ And would [madam]_{1296-another lady looming over us} require any accessories ? ”_{[1296-another lady looming over us]} [she]_{1296-another lady looming over us} asks , beaming at [Ava]_238-ava . [I]_0-i push [myself]_0-i off the floor and retrieve [[my]_0-i tittering wife]_373-god , holding [her]_373-god up while [she]_373-god continues to chuckle . [I]_0-i haul [her]_373-god close and smother [her]_373-god with wet kisses for a few moments before pulling back and giving [her]_373-god a soft smile . “ The only accessory [[my]_373-god wife]_373-god needs is [me]_373-god . ”_[373-god] “ Yes , [sir]_373-god . ”_{[1300-the owner]} [The owner]_{1300-the owner} disappears with [our]_1301-our purchases , and [Ava]_238-ava turns to mush in [my]_0-i arms , reaching up to kiss [my]_0-i cheek . “ [You]_{1302-the young assistant} ’re so romantic when [you]_{1302-the young assistant} want to be . ”_[238-ava] “ [I]_0-i ’m always romantic , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i counter , leading [her]_373-god out to the front desk . “ In [my]_{1302-the young assistant} own way . ”_{[1302-the young assistant]} [The young assistant]_{1302-the young assistant} ’s cheeks are still flaming red , the poor thing unable to look at [us]_1301-our . And then [she]_373-god does , and [I]_0-i flip [her]_373-god a cheeky wink . [She]_373-god disintegrates on the spot , shoving the card machine toward [me]_0-i as [I]_0-i chuckle . [I]_0-i see to payment and take the bag once the dresses have been precisely wrapped in tissue paper . “ [I]_238-ava have n’t tried any of the dresses on , ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava points out , letting [me]_0-i guide [her]_238-ava out of [the store]_{1274-the store} . “ [I]_238-ava know this body like the back of [my]_238-ava hand . ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i squeeze [her]_238-ava hip , and [she]_238-ava jolts on a little yelp . “ [They]_2741-they ’ll fit , trust [me]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] Eyeing the bag , [she]_238-ava bites [her]_238-ava lip thoughtfully . “ All of [them]_2741-they ? ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i know what [she]_238-ava ’s getting at . The lace number [I]_0-i choose is n’t the only dress [I]_0-i just paid for . “ [I]_0-i ’m only showing some leniency because [I]_0-i ’m fucking thrilled that [you]_0-i ’ve remembered something else . Consider [yourself]_0-i lucky . ”_[0-i] “ [I]_238-ava do feel lucky . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava ’s behind [me]_0-i in a second , climbing onto [my]_0-i back , [her]_238-ava face squished to [mine]_0-i . “ Thank [you]_0-i for the dresses . ”_[238-ava] “ Thank [you]_0-i for letting [me]_0-i spoil [you]_0-i . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i leave [the store]_{1274-the store} and walk down [the road]_{2159-the road} with [Ava]_238-ava clinging to [my]_0-i back , [my]_0-i heart swelling in [my]_0-i chest . Some of this [she]_238-ava might be finding hard to wrap [her]_238-ava confused mind around , but [she]_238-ava ’s taking quite well to [our]_1306-our normal . It ’s more progress . More light in [our]_1306-our darkness . Chapter 34 [Ava]_238-ava When [Jesse]_454-jesse insisted on taking [me]_0-i to yoga today , [I]_0-i did n’t argue . [I]_0-i could tell [he]_454-jesse was stunned . But [I]_0-i have a motive . Taking the keys from [his]_454-jesse hand , [I]_0-i open [the car]_{2161-the car} . “ [I]_454-jesse ’ll drive . ”_[454-jesse] [He]_454-jesse snorts , obviously finding [my]_0-i declaration amusing . “ Absolutely not . ”_[454-jesse] Reclaiming the keys , [he]_454-jesse directs [me]_0-i around to the passenger seat . “ Why not ? ”_[454-jesse] [My]_0-i resistance does n’t even dent [his]_454-jesse fortitude . “ [You]_454-jesse ’re never getting behind a wheel again . ”_[454-jesse] Ever ? Not ever again ? “ What ? Why ? ”_[454-jesse] “ Because [you]_454-jesse do n’t need to . ”_[454-jesse] [He]_454-jesse jingles the keys under [my]_0-i nose as [he]_454-jesse pushes [me]_0-i down into the seat and then buckles [me]_0-i up . “ And [I]_454-jesse ’m looking into getting [you]_454-jesse [a driver]_{927-the driver} . ”_[454-jesse] [He]_454-jesse plants a chaste kiss on [my]_0-i cheek and quickly shuts the door before [I]_0-i can protest . And when [he]_454-jesse lands in [the driver]_{927-the driver} ’s seat , [he]_454-jesse keeps [his]_454-jesse attention forward , ignoring the glare [I]_0-i ’m shooting at [him]_454-jesse . There will be no argument over this . [I]_0-i will be driving again . Flicking some music on , an obvious ploy to kill the silence , [he]_454-jesse races off down [the street]_{236-the street} with “ Sweater Weather ”_[454-jesse] blaring , tapping the wheel in time to the music . Until there is no music . [He]_454-jesse peeks out the corner of [his]_454-jesse eye as [I]_0-i turn in [my]_0-i seat , [my]_0-i face twisted with disdain . “ Are [you]_2742-you telling [me]_0-i [you]_2742-you ’re never going to let [me]_0-i drive again ? ”_[0-i] “ Yep . ”_[454-jesse] [He]_454-jesse flicks the music back on and [I]_0-i quickly turn it back off . Is [he]_454-jesse mad ? “ No way , [Jesse]_454-jesse . [You]_454-jesse ca n’t stop [me]_454-jesse . ”_[454-jesse] [He]_454-jesse half coughs , half laughs . “ Watch [me]_454-jesse . ”_[454-jesse] [He]_454-jesse presses a button on the steering wheel and fills [the car]_{2161-the car} with [The Neighbourhood]_{1311-the neighbourhood} again . “ Watch [me]_0-i , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i counter over the music , throwing [myself]_0-i back in the seat . “ If [you]_2742-you wo n’t let [me]_0-i drive anywhere , then [I]_0-i ’ll make [my]_0-i own way around , starting today . [I]_0-i ’ll get [the Tube]_{2743-the tube} [home]_201-home . [You]_2742-you ’re being unreasonable . It was an accident . A one - in - a - million chance . [You]_2742-you ’re being stupid . ”_[0-i] “ Stupid ? ”_[454-jesse] [he]_454-jesse coughs . “ Well , that one - in - a - million chance was [[my]_454-jesse wife]_26-maddie , so forgive [me]_454-jesse if [my]_454-jesse protective instinct has taken on new heights . ”_[454-jesse] [He]_454-jesse slams the button on [his]_454-jesse steering wheel and shuts the music off , then pulls [the car]_{2161-the car} over to the side of [the road]_{2159-the road} , prickling from top to toe . So unreasonable . [He]_454-jesse reaches for [my]_0-i slighted face and turns it toward [him]_454-jesse . [My]_0-i eyes are thin slits of pissed off . [His]_454-jesse are narrower . “ Listen to [me]_454-jesse , [lady]_26-maddie , ”_[454-jesse] [he]_454-jesse orders , nostrils flaring and all . “ It is [my]_454-jesse job to protect [you]_26-maddie . There ’s nothing irrational about wanting to keep [you]_26-maddie safe , [Ava]_238-ava . ”_[454-jesse] [His]_454-jesse voice has softened to a mere whisper , [his]_454-jesse eyes clouding , and [I]_0-i know it ’s because [he]_454-jesse ’s thinking about what could have been . “ Every fear [I]_454-jesse ’ve ever had nearly became a reality . [I]_454-jesse nearly lost [you]_26-maddie . So do n’t [you]_26-maddie tell [me]_454-jesse that [I]_454-jesse ’m being unreasonable or irrational or stupid , do [you]_26-maddie hear [me]_454-jesse ? [You]_26-maddie have to let [me]_454-jesse do [my]_454-jesse thing or [I]_454-jesse ’ll go crazy mad . ”_[454-jesse] “ And [I]_0-i ’ll go crazy mad if [you]_26-maddie suffocate [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i need some space , [Jesse]_454-jesse . If [you]_26-maddie want [me]_0-i to fall in love with [you]_26-maddie again , [you]_26-maddie need to let [me]_0-i do that without stifling [me]_0-i . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i hate the hurt in [his]_1314-his green eyes . Hate it . [His]_1314-his handsome face is splashed with agony , and [he]_1314-his swallows , anger mixed up in [his]_1314-his expression , too . “ [You]_26-maddie can get [the Tube]_{2743-the tube} . ”_[1314-his] [I]_0-i can get the Tube ? Like [I]_0-i need permission ? Fucking hell , [he]_1314-his really is crazy mad . But [I]_0-i still nod , despite being staggered on the inside . “ Good . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i sit back and stare out the window as [Jesse]_454-jesse gets [us]_1315-us going again . And [I]_0-i wonder … How did [I]_0-i fall in love with such craziness ? [I]_0-i do n’t know . But it ’s happening again , and [I]_0-i could n’t stop it if [I]_0-i tried . * * * The usual peace blankets [me]_0-i when [I]_0-i arrive at [Elsie]_32-mum ’s . [Zara]_116-zara is already waiting in [the studio]_{939-the studio} , sitting on [her]_32-mum mat . [She]_32-mum looks like a pro , all geared up in what [I]_0-i expect is [designer yoga gear]_{1317-designer yoga gear} . “ [I]_0-i ’m feeling a bit frumpy , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say , rolling out [my]_0-i mat next to [her]_32-mum . [She]_32-mum laughs , soft and low . “ [You]_32-mum look anything but frumpy , [Ava]_238-ava . ”_[32-mum] [She]_32-mum rolls [her]_32-mum eyes . “ [I]_32-mum was just passing through [the shopping mall]_{2747-the shopping mall} and [they]_2748-they had a huge sale . Oh ! ”_[32-mum] [She]_32-mum jumps up and scrounges through [her]_32-mum bag . “ [I]_32-mum got [you]_32-mum one , too . ”_[32-mum] [She]_32-mum flaps out a black top . “ [You]_32-mum look about the same size as [me]_32-mum . ”_[32-mum] “ [Zara]_116-zara , [you]_32-mum should n’t have , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say , taking the shirt from [her]_32-mum hand and kissing [her]_32-mum cheek . “ Give over , ”_[32-mum] [she]_32-mum brushes it off . “ It was [a fiver in the bargain bin]_{2749-a fiver in the bargain bin} . ”_[32-mum] “ [I]_32-mum love it . ”_[32-mum] Something comes to [me]_0-i . “ Hey , [we]_2750-we should go shopping sometime . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i will pick [my]_0-i own clothes . [My]_0-i recent shopping adventure might have turned out wonderfully , but that was only because [my]_0-i brain decided to let [me]_0-i remember something . [I]_0-i realize it could have been very different . [Her]_32-mum eyes sparkle . “ Oh [my]_32-mum God , yes . ”_[32-mum] “ Come on , chatterboxes . ”_[32-mum] [Elsie]_32-mum floats across [the room]_{202-the room} , giving [us]_1319-our a playful , disapproving look . “ It does n’t sound very peaceful in here today . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i give [Zara]_116-zara an oopsie look , and [we]_1319-our both settle on [our]_1319-our mats and close [our]_1319-our eyes . Peace . It ’s quickly found again , and [I]_0-i let it roll over [me]_0-i . Toward the end of the session , [I]_0-i ’m flat on [my]_0-i back , sprawled out , [my]_0-i body weightless . [I]_0-i ’m completely zoned out , so calm , so when images start to flicker through [my]_0-i mind , [I]_0-i do n’t jerk with shock or panic . Instead , [I]_0-i remain still , absorbing the distorted , blurry visions as if [I]_0-i ’m watching [them]_1320-them from an old - fashioned projector . Visions of [Jesse]_454-jesse , and for the first time , of [Maddie]_26-maddie and [Jacob]_60-jacob . [I]_0-i feel [my]_0-i eyes squeezing , trying to hold on to the picture of [them]_1320-them lying on [Jesse]_454-jesse ’s chest , tiny little bundles , [[their]_1320-them daddy]_{1321-their daddy} ’s face buried between [their]_1320-them heads . [I]_0-i feel a tear trickle down the side of [my]_0-i face , swishing around in [my]_0-i ear . And then the images are gone . But [they]_1320-them ’re not gone . [They]_1320-them will never be gone . “ [Ava]_238-ava ? ”_[1320-them] A gentle touch rests on [my]_0-i shoulder , and [I]_0-i blink [my]_0-i eyes open , finding [Zara]_116-zara suspended above [me]_0-i . It takes [me]_0-i a while to grasp [my]_0-i bearings , and [I]_0-i see [Elsie]_32-mum leaving [the room]_{202-the room} . “ [I]_0-i think [I]_0-i fell asleep . ”_[0-i] [My]_0-i voice is thick , and [I]_0-i ’m unsure if it ’s with emotion or sleepiness . [Zara]_116-zara smiles , [her]_32-mum friendly face so happy . “ [You]_32-mum ’re right . [Elsie]_32-mum is amazing ! ”_[32-mum] [She]_32-mum rises to [her]_32-mum feet , pouting , now looking disappointed . “ [I]_32-mum was hoping [we]_2751-we could do coffee , but [I]_32-mum just picked up an e - mail from work . Some silly problem with a project [I]_32-mum have to get sorted . ”_[32-mum] “ That ’s fine . [I]_0-i ca n’t do coffee today , anyway . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ca n’t ? Why ca n’t [I]_0-i ? [I]_0-i can , and [I]_0-i should , though today [I]_0-i ’ll be doing it on [my]_0-i own . [I]_0-i can go for a coffee on [my]_0-i own , no problem . [I]_0-i should do something on [my]_0-i own . “ No ? ”_[0-i] “ [[My]_0-i husband]_454-jesse … ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i stop [myself]_0-i from saying something that would give entirely the wrong impression . “ [We]_2751-we ’ve had a rough time lately . [He]_454-jesse ’s a bit protective . [He]_454-jesse worries about [me]_0-i . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i shrug . “ Oh no . ”_[0-i] [She]_0-i pouts . “ [I]_0-i ’ll call [you]_0-i . [We]_2751-we ’ll make those plans , and [you]_0-i can tell [me]_0-i all about it . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i smile , though [I]_0-i ’m not too enthusiastic about [her]_0-i suggestion . The thing [I]_0-i love most about coffee with [Zara]_116-zara is the fact that [I]_0-i do n’t have to talk about [my]_0-i woes , because [she]_0-i does n’t know of [them]_1323-them . “ That would be good . ”_[0-i] “ Thanks so much for letting [me]_0-i hijack [your]_2753-your session , [Ava]_238-ava . It means so much . ”_[0-i] [She]_0-i kisses [my]_0-i cheek and breezes away , leaving [me]_0-i in [the room]_{202-the room} alone . Maybe it ’s silly , but [I]_0-i close [my]_0-i eyes again , hoping the memories will come back to [me]_0-i . But after a good five minutes , [I]_0-i give up , telling [myself]_0-i to be happy with what [I]_0-i got . [I]_0-i leave [Elsie]_32-mum with a grateful kiss and head outside , set to go and process the session on [my]_0-i own with a coffee , but when [I]_0-i make it into the fresh air , [I]_0-i find [Jesse]_454-jesse waiting . [He]_454-jesse ’s pouting at [me]_0-i from where [he]_454-jesse ’s standing by [the car]_{2161-the car} , [his]_454-jesse puppy - dog eyes pleading with [me]_0-i not to be mad at [him]_454-jesse . [I]_0-i stop in [my]_0-i tracks and cock [my]_0-i head , pursing [my]_0-i lips in fake disapproval . “ [I]_454-jesse love [you]_454-jesse . ”_[454-jesse] [He]_454-jesse gives [me]_0-i a stupid goofy grin , like those three simple words are the answer for everything . Truth be told , [they]_1326-they are . [I]_0-i ca n’t possibly be mad with the big softy . [I]_0-i ’m too elated by the effect the past hour with [Elsie]_32-mum has had and the fact that something came to [me]_0-i . So instead of ripping a strip off [him]_454-jesse , [I]_0-i step into [his]_454-jesse big body and hug [him]_454-jesse fiercely . [I]_0-i can tell [he]_454-jesse ’s shocked at [my]_0-i easy acquiescence because it takes [him]_454-jesse a couple of seconds to return [my]_0-i cuddle . “ Where the hell is [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i smile and pull back , beaming up at [him]_454-jesse . “ [I]_0-i saw [you]_26-maddie ! ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i have to stop [myself]_0-i from springing around [the street]_{236-the street} like a jack - in - the - box . “ [I]_0-i was so spaced out , and [I]_0-i saw [you]_26-maddie in [my]_0-i mind . It was so clear . [I]_0-i saw [you]_26-maddie holding [the twins]_{2012-the twins} when [they]_{2012-the twins} were born . ”_[0-i] “ Really ? ”_[454-jesse] [His]_454-jesse face is ablaze with happiness as [he]_454-jesse picks [me]_0-i up and swings [me]_0-i around in the middle of [the street]_{236-the street} . [I]_0-i laugh , not feeling in the least bit dizzy . Because [my]_0-i eyes are on [his]_454-jesse . Chapter 35 It ’s Saturday , the day of [Raya]_54-raya and [Drew]_53-drew ’s engagement party . As [I]_0-i swish the bubbles in the tub , [I]_0-i run over [my]_0-i plan again , from beginning to end . Every bit involves spoiling [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie rotten . Lavishing [her]_26-maddie with affection and attention . Making [her]_26-maddie feel like [the queen]_{1329-the queen} [she]_26-maddie is to [me]_0-i . When the tub is at the perfect level of water and bubbles , [I]_0-i flip off the tap and strip down to nothing . Then [I]_0-i wander quietly into [the bedroom]_{302-the bedroom} , watching [her]_26-maddie nap peacefully atop [the bedcovers]_{1331-the bedcovers} as [I]_0-i approach . It pains [me]_0-i to wake [her]_26-maddie , but [I]_0-i need to kick [my]_0-i plan into action or [we]_1332-we ’ll be late for [Drew]_53-drew and [Raya]_54-raya ’s party . Kneeling by the bed , [I]_0-i take the single calla lily from the vase on the night table and rest [my]_0-i lips on [hers]_26-maddie . [She]_26-maddie stretches and moans , reaching for [my]_0-i naked shoulders . [Her]_26-maddie touch creates instant flames on [my]_0-i skin . Opening [her]_26-maddie eyes sleepily , [she]_26-maddie smiles at the flower and takes it , smelling it lazily before resting it on the bed next to [her]_26-maddie . “ Time for a bath , [baby]_194-kate , ”_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i whisper , sliding [my]_0-i arms under [her]_26-maddie and lifting [her]_26-maddie from the bed . [She]_26-maddie snuggles into [me]_0-i as [I]_0-i carry [her]_26-maddie to the tub , sleepy and warm in [my]_0-i arms . [She]_26-maddie feels lighter , and as [I]_0-i think back over the time since [I]_0-i brought [her]_26-maddie [home]_201-home from [hospital]_{1334-hospital} , [she]_26-maddie has n’t once finished a meal . In fact , [she]_26-maddie ’s mostly just pushed the food around [her]_26-maddie plate . Damn , [we]_1335-we need to fix that . [I]_0-i should have been more forceful . [I]_0-i set [her]_26-maddie on [her]_26-maddie feet and start stripping [her]_26-maddie down , being slow enough to give [her]_26-maddie time to fully wake before [I]_0-i lower [her]_26-maddie into the bath . [My]_0-i eyes are scanning every inch of [her]_26-maddie flesh that ’s revealed , searching for signs of protruding bones . There . Right there . [I]_0-i reach forward and brush [my]_0-i palm across [her]_26-maddie hip , frowning . “ What ’s wrong ? ”_[0-i] “ [You]_26-maddie ’ve lost too much weight . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie ’s still beautiful , the most beautiful thing [I]_0-i ’ve ever set eyes on , but [she]_26-maddie ’s definitely thinner . How could [I]_0-i have let this happen ? “ [I]_0-i need to feed [you]_26-maddie . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i break away and find [her]_26-maddie robe , opening it up for [her]_26-maddie to slip [her]_26-maddie arms in . [She]_26-maddie ignores the material hanging from [my]_0-i hands and gives [me]_0-i [her]_26-maddie eyes . “ But [I]_26-maddie ’m not hungry . ”_[26-maddie] “ [I]_0-i do n’t care . [You]_26-maddie need to eat . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i drape the robe over [her]_26-maddie shoulders , but [she]_26-maddie pulls away , giving [me]_0-i a warning look . “ Stop it . ”_[26-maddie] “ Stop what ? ”_[26-maddie] “ Worrying . If [I]_26-maddie ’m hungry , [I]_26-maddie ’ll eat . ”_[26-maddie] Taking the robe from [my]_0-i hand , [she]_26-maddie tosses it aside , never taking [her]_26-maddie firm stare from [my]_0-i affronted one . “ Do n’t curl [your]_26-maddie lip at [me]_26-maddie , [Jesse Ward]_454-jesse . ”_[26-maddie] A finger comes up and points at [my]_0-i mouth , and [I]_0-i recoil , trying to get [my]_0-i wayward lip under control . [I]_0-i ca n’t . Seizing [her]_26-maddie hand , [I]_0-i wrestle it back down , replacing it with [my]_0-i finger pointed at [her]_26-maddie . [She]_26-maddie is n’t winning this one . No way . “ [You]_1336-you ’re eating , end of . ”_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i swoop in and claim [her]_26-maddie , to hell with the robe . [She]_26-maddie ’ll eat naked . [You]_1336-you wo n’t hear [me]_0-i complaining . “ [Jesse]_454-jesse ! ”_[1336-you] [Her]_26-maddie naked flesh rubbing all over [my]_0-i naked flesh does nothing to help [me]_0-i keep [my]_0-i focus . Food is [my]_0-i focus . Lots of food . Though [my]_0-i dick does n’t agree , clearly hungry itself . [My]_0-i scowl is now pointing to [my]_0-i groin , demanding it behave , as [I]_0-i hoof [Ava]_238-ava out of [the bathroom]_{294-the bathroom} . “ Put [me]_{138-fingernails} down ! ”_{[138-fingernails]} [Fingernails]_{138-fingernails} find [my]_0-i arse and sink in . “ [You]_238-ava fucking savage ! ”_{[138-fingernails]} [I]_0-i half yelp , half yell , hearing [her]_26-maddie giggling , [her]_26-maddie claws going to [town]_295-town , digging further in . “ [Ava]_238-ava ! ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m forced to release [her]_26-maddie and rub away the soreness , while [she]_26-maddie titters before [me]_0-i , flicking [her]_26-maddie hair over [her]_26-maddie shoulder . “ [I]_26-maddie ’m not hungry , ”_[26-maddie] [she]_26-maddie affirms , passing [me]_0-i , heading back to [the bathroom]_{294-the bathroom} . “ [Ava]_238-ava ! ”_[26-maddie] “ Fuck [you]_238-ava , [Jesse]_454-jesse . [I]_0-i ’m not damn well hungry . ”_[0-i] [My]_0-i rubbing hands stop , [my]_0-i dick now totally limp . Stalking after [her]_26-maddie , fuming mad by [her]_26-maddie disregard for [her]_26-maddie health , as well as [her]_26-maddie vulgar mouth , [I]_0-i charge into [the bathroom]_{294-the bathroom} to find [Ava]_238-ava has one foot in the bath , [her]_238-ava eyes on [me]_0-i at the door . [My]_0-i scowl deepens . [Her]_238-ava smirk widens . It ’s adorable and infuriating all at once . “ Watch [your]_238-ava fucking mouth . ”_[238-ava] That smirk gets even wider , and [my]_0-i fury is diluted some more by the sight . “ Fuck [you]_238-ava , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava whispers . [She]_238-ava ’s playing the game , testing [me]_0-i . [Silly girl]_238-ava . “ Three … ”_[238-ava] It just comes right on out , [my]_0-i smirk now matching [hers]_238-ava . “ Fuck . ”_[238-ava] Another whisper . [I]_0-i take one step forward , now too thrilled by [her]_238-ava playfulness to let [her]_238-ava language bother [me]_0-i all that much . “ Two … ”_[238-ava] Taking [her]_238-ava foot from the water , [she]_238-ava folds [her]_238-ava arms across [her]_238-ava chest , wedging [her]_238-ava boobs up high , creating a cleavage that serves as a magnet . [My]_0-i eyes fall , [my]_0-i mouth suddenly watering , [my]_0-i cock hardening . “ Next ? ”_[0-i] “ One , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i answer , [my]_0-i stare still firmly on [her]_238-ava chest . “ And next ? ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava unfolds [her]_238-ava arms and cups [her]_238-ava boobs . [I]_0-i hitch an eyebrow , looking up to [her]_238-ava face through [my]_0-i lashes . [My]_0-i smile , the one reserved only for [[my]_0-i girl]_238-ava , spreads across [my]_0-i face , and [she]_238-ava delights in it , eyes beaming at [me]_0-i . Fucking hell , [I]_0-i love [this woman]_238-ava so much . [She]_238-ava has the ability to distract [me]_0-i , with only a simple smile . Now [I]_0-i just want to eat [her]_238-ava up [myself]_0-i . [She]_238-ava reigns supreme . [She]_238-ava is [my]_0-i world . [My]_0-i life . [My]_0-i day , [my]_0-i night , [my]_0-i air , water , and fire . Fuck , what would [I]_0-i ever do without [her]_238-ava ? [I]_0-i ’d die of a broken heart , [I]_0-i just know it . Turn to dust . Fade to nothing . [My]_0-i damn heart slows just thinking about it , and in a moment of brief panic , the feelings very real , [I]_0-i move forward , stealing a kiss , if only to reassure [myself]_0-i that [I]_0-i still have [her]_238-ava . And [I]_0-i keep [my]_0-i eyes open , too , as does [she]_238-ava , staring deeply into [mine]_0-i . It ’s a peaceful kiss . A lazy , soft , searching kiss . It ’s the coming together of [two people who are on the same page]_{1339-two people who are on the same page} , and then [she]_238-ava speaks and confirms [we]_1340-our really are . “ [I]_238-ava ’m here , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava assures [me]_0-i , and [I]_0-i welcome the cuddle [she]_238-ava takes [me]_0-i in , maintaining this all - consuming kiss . “ Let [me]_0-i take care of [you]_0-i , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i beg , slowing down [our]_1340-our pace until [our]_1340-our lips are simply touching , the heat still raging . “ Let [me]_0-i spoil [you]_0-i and love [you]_0-i with all the power [I]_0-i have . ”_[0-i] “ But [I]_238-ava ’m not hungry . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava sighs , feeling across [my]_0-i back as [I]_0-i pout at [her]_238-ava , showing [my]_0-i true disappointment . “ Not for food anyway . And when [I]_238-ava am , [I]_238-ava ’ll eat , [I]_238-ava promise . ”_[238-ava] “ [Ava]_238-ava — ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava finger lands on [my]_0-i lips , hushing [me]_0-i . “ But [I]_238-ava ’m constantly hungry for [you]_238-ava . For [your]_238-ava voice , [your]_238-ava words , [your]_238-ava need to take care of [me]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava smiles a little , almost shyly . [I]_0-i keep [my]_0-i mouth firmly shut , desperate for more of this . [Her]_238-ava hunger . “ [I]_238-ava know exactly why [I]_238-ava fell in love with [you]_238-ava , even if [I]_238-ava do n’t remember doing it . Because it ’s happening all over again . ”_[238-ava] There ’s a wobble in [her]_238-ava voice , and [I]_0-i ’m certain there would be in [mine]_0-i if [I]_0-i were to speak . [She]_238-ava ’s falling in love with [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i gulp down the relieved emotion crawling up [my]_0-i throat . “ [You]_238-ava are [the most passionate man [I]_26-maddie ’ve ever met]_238-ava , and [you]_238-ava keep it all for [me]_26-maddie and [the children]_{2217-the children} . [I]_26-maddie can see that . Everything [you]_238-ava do , [you]_238-ava do it with such intensity . Whether [you]_238-ava ’re mad . Or if [you]_238-ava ’re playing . Or making love to [me]_26-maddie . Or simply loving [me]_26-maddie . It ’s all so passionate , and [I]_26-maddie love it . [I]_26-maddie love that [the children]_{2217-the children} and [I]_26-maddie are the center of [[your]_238-ava world]_{2758-your world} . That [you]_238-ava love [us]_2759-us with a power that ’s sometimes a little overwhelming . What woman would n’t want to be loved with that much intensity ? ”_[26-maddie] [Her]_26-maddie palms land on [my]_0-i cheeks , [her]_26-maddie thumb catching a single teardrop as it tumbles . [I]_0-i feel suffocated by [my]_0-i happiness , because for the first time , [I]_0-i see true hope past the possibility of [her]_26-maddie never finding [her]_26-maddie memory . [She]_26-maddie can fall in love with [me]_0-i again . [Our]_1342-our love flourished because it was supposed to . Because [we]_1342-our were meant to find each other . That has n’t changed . “ [You]_238-ava are the man of [my]_26-maddie dreams , [Jesse Ward]_454-jesse . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie kisses the very edge of [my]_0-i mouth . “ And [I]_26-maddie imagine [you]_238-ava ’re [the man of many other women ’s dreams]_{2760-the man of many other women ’s dreams} , too . ”_[26-maddie] “ Well [they]_2761-they ca n’t have [me]_0-i , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i vow , as if that would ever be a worry for [Ava]_238-ava . “ [I]_26-maddie belong to [you]_238-ava , as much as [you]_238-ava belong to [me]_26-maddie . That ’s just how it is . ”_[26-maddie] [Her]_26-maddie teeth sink into [my]_0-i bristly cheek , [her]_26-maddie arms locked around [my]_0-i neck . “ Now that [we]_2762-we ’ve cleared that up , are [you]_238-ava going to spoil [me]_26-maddie like [you]_238-ava promised ? ”_[26-maddie] “ Yes , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i affirm , pulling back . “ Right after [you]_238-ava ’ve had a relaxing soak . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i carry [her]_26-maddie to the bath and place [her]_26-maddie gently down , kissing [her]_26-maddie forehead , and then leave [her]_26-maddie to get [herself]_26-maddie ready . [I]_0-i ca n’t bathe with [her]_26-maddie . [We]_1343-we ’ll never make it to the party . “ Wear the lace dress and meet [me]_1343-we in [the hallway]_{701-the hallway} at seven thirty . ”_[1343-we] [I]_0-i shut the door behind [me]_0-i , satisfied , because [I]_0-i just know [she]_26-maddie wo n’t disappoint [me]_0-i . Chapter 36 [My]_0-i frame of mind is positive . [My]_0-i heart is hopeful . [My]_0-i trimmed stubble just the right length , [my]_0-i face fresh . [My]_0-i charcoal three - piece suit fits like a dream , and [my]_0-i body in it looks fine . [She]_26-maddie wo n’t be disappointed , either . As [I]_0-i wait for [her]_26-maddie in [the hallway]_{701-the hallway} , refixing [my]_0-i hair in the mirror , [I]_0-i hear the bedroom door close . [I]_0-i move to the bottom step , sliding [my]_0-i hands into [my]_0-i trouser pockets . [I]_0-i ca n’t see [her]_26-maddie . “ [Ava]_238-ava ? ”_[0-i] “ [I]_26-maddie do n’t think [you]_238-ava ’ll approve . ”_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i hear [her]_26-maddie , but [I]_0-i still do n’t see [her]_26-maddie . And now [I]_0-i ’m worried . Has [she]_26-maddie defied [my]_0-i request for the lace dress ? “ Let [me]_26-maddie see [you]_238-ava , ”_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i order , containing the annoyance threatening to break in [my]_0-i tone . Tonight has to be perfect . [Ava]_238-ava not wearing the dress [I]_0-i requested wo n’t get it off to a good start . “ [You]_238-ava sure ? ”_[26-maddie] [she]_26-maddie calls . [She]_26-maddie sounds nervous . “ Get [your]_238-ava arse in [my]_26-maddie sights now , [lady]_26-maddie . ”_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie appears , cautiously . And [I]_0-i ’m utterly blown away . “ [Jesus]_26-maddie . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i exhale [my]_0-i wonder , [my]_0-i eyes following [her]_26-maddie around the gallery landing to the top of the steps . If there ’s an example of perfection , then [I]_0-i ’m looking at it . The dress . [Shit]_139-shit , the dress . Lace , everywhere , and the subtle cream tone brings memories of [her]_26-maddie stunning wedding gown gushing back . The hem just below the knee is perfect , the material clinging lightly to every wonderful curve [she]_26-maddie has . [I]_0-i ignore the fact that those curves have reduced somewhat in recent weeks , and move up to [her]_26-maddie face . Pink on [her]_26-maddie lips is the only subtle pop of color . It ’s all this dress needs . The Bardot neckline reveals the smooth lengths of [her]_26-maddie collarbones , [her]_26-maddie hair fixed in a sleek knot at the nape of [her]_26-maddie neck . Understated elegance . [[My]_0-i wife]_194-kate has always had it , and it never fails to render [me]_0-i thunderstruck . [Her]_194-kate smoky eyes are taking [me]_0-i in , up and down , [her]_194-kate teeth latched onto [her]_194-kate bottom lip . “ Do [you]_194-kate like what [you]_194-kate see ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ask , sure of the answer . Every inch of [her]_194-kate is glowing with appreciation , in [her]_194-kate eyes the most . “ [You]_194-kate ’re [the most handsome man [I]_194-kate ’ve ever laid eyes on]_194-kate . ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate swallows and looks up at [me]_0-i . “ Do [I]_194-kate look okay ? ”_[194-kate] “ Okay ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i counter , taking the stairs up to [her]_194-kate , drinking [her]_194-kate in . “ [You]_194-kate are beauty personified , [lady]_194-kate . And [you]_194-kate ’re [mine]_0-i . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i reach [her]_194-kate and take [her]_194-kate hand , kissing [her]_194-kate wedding ring . [I]_0-i peek up at [her]_194-kate . “ Who do [you]_194-kate belong to ? ”_[0-i] “ [You]_194-kate . ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate does n’t stall , does n’t protest , as [she]_194-kate smiles down at [me]_0-i . “ Always . ”_[194-kate] “ Come . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i lead [her]_194-kate down [the stairs]_{244-the stairs} slowly , never taking [my]_0-i eyes from [her]_194-kate profile as [she]_194-kate watches [her]_194-kate feet . “ [I]_194-kate have something for [you]_194-kate . ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i stop at the bottom of [the stairs]_{244-the stairs} and reach into [my]_0-i pocket , circling [her]_194-kate slowly . [My]_0-i hand on [her]_194-kate hip makes [her]_194-kate spine lengthen , and [she]_194-kate looks over [her]_194-kate shoulder at [me]_0-i . “ What do [you]_194-kate have ? ”_[194-kate] “ This . ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i take the diamond necklace over [her]_194-kate head and let it settle on [her]_194-kate skin . [She]_194-kate looks down , [her]_194-kate hand reaching up to feel the stones as [I]_0-i secure it . “ [You]_194-kate only wear it on special occasions . ”_[194-kate] “ Oh [my]_194-kate God , ”_[194-kate] [she]_194-kate whispers , moving away from [me]_0-i toward the mirror . Staring at [her]_194-kate reflection , [she]_194-kate fingers the precious jewelry , lost in thought . Does [she]_194-kate recognize it ? “ It ’s beautiful . ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate looks past [her]_194-kate reflection to [me]_0-i . “ Thank [you]_194-kate . ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i smile , unable to be disappointed by [her]_194-kate lack of memory . “ It ’s been [yours]_194-kate for twelve years , [baby]_194-kate . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i move in behind [her]_194-kate and circle [her]_194-kate waist with [my]_0-i arms , bending to get [my]_0-i chin on [her]_194-kate shoulder . [Our]_1347-us eyes lock in the mirror . “ It ’s beautiful , yes , but it is n’t a patch on [the woman wearing it]_194-kate . ”_[1347-us] [The woman wearing it shines brighter]_194-kate . Is more precious . More valuable to [me]_0-i than anything in [this world]_{198-this world} . [She]_194-kate turns [her]_194-kate head to find [my]_0-i lips and blesses [me]_0-i with a delicate , consuming kiss . Love . It ’s radiating between [us]_1347-us , filling [me]_0-i with happiness . [We]_1347-us can do this . Get through this . Because [we]_1347-us ’re [us]_1347-us . [Jesse]_454-jesse and [Ava]_238-ava . “ Let ’s dance . ”_[454-jesse] [I]_0-i turn [her]_194-kate in [my]_0-i arms and reach for [my]_0-i phone , pulling up the Sonos app . [She]_194-kate laughs lightly , bemused . “ Please not to [Justin Timberlake]_{47-justin timberlake} . ”_[194-kate] [My]_0-i finger pauses on the screen of [my]_0-i phone , and [I]_0-i look down at [Ava]_238-ava . It ’s just another one of those moments , when [she]_194-kate says something without a clue of why [she]_194-kate ’s saying it . [I]_0-i wo n’t let it tarnish what [I]_0-i plan on being a perfect evening . “ Something a little more romantic . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i find the track in mind and turn up the volume . “ Like this . ”_[0-i] “ Nights in White Satin ”_[194-kate] fills the air around [us]_1347-us , and [she]_194-kate listens with [me]_0-i for a few moments . “ Recognize it ? ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i sound hopeful , though trying [my]_0-i hardest not to be . “ Of course . ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate steps into [my]_0-i chest and rests [her]_194-kate cheek there , curling one arm around [my]_0-i waist and taking [my]_0-i hand . “ [We]_1347-us danced to it one time . ”_[194-kate] Placing [our]_1347-us clasped hands on [my]_0-i chest beside [her]_194-kate head , [I]_0-i start to slowly move [us]_1347-us in lazy circles , laying [my]_0-i head upon [hers]_194-kate . “ [You]_194-kate do n’t remember , do [you]_194-kate ? ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i ask , knowing [she]_194-kate ’s grasped [my]_0-i plan . A mild shake of [her]_194-kate head is expected , but the tears soaking through the material of [my]_0-i shirt are not . “ Do n’t cry , ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i gently scold [her]_194-kate , clenching [my]_0-i eyes closed before [I]_0-i defy [my]_0-i own order . “ [We]_1349-we make new memories if [we]_1349-we ca n’t find [the old ones]_{2698-the old ones} . ”_[0-i] “ [I]_194-kate want both . ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate follows [my]_0-i lead as [we]_1349-we unhurriedly pivot on the spot , going so slow , [we]_1349-we ’re hardly moving at all . But [we]_1349-we ’re touching . Everywhere , [we]_1349-we ’re touching , and the most significant place [we]_1349-we ’re touching right now is [our]_1349-we hearts . [Her]_194-kate heartbeats are sinking into [my]_0-i chest , serving as a power surge , increasing [my]_0-i own heart rate . “ But [I]_194-kate have [you]_2765-you and [the children]_{2217-the children} , ”_[194-kate] [she]_194-kate whispers , [her]_194-kate voice barely heard over the music as it reaches the crescendo . “ And that ’s all that matters . ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i breathe in , long and deep , and sink [my]_0-i face into [her]_194-kate hair . [She]_194-kate ’s right , though it does n’t make the loss any easier to accept . “ Always , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i affirm , [my]_0-i voice evidently broken . The track slowly fades out and [we]_1349-we continue to slowly turn on the spot , [our]_1349-we hands held tightly against [my]_0-i chest , [her]_194-kate body held tightly to [mine]_0-i . “ Time to go , [baby]_194-kate , ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i murmur reluctantly , feeling [her]_194-kate hold of [me]_0-i constrict everywhere . Arranging [her]_194-kate into [my]_0-i side , [I]_0-i walk [us]_1349-we to [the car]_{2161-the car} . “ Am [I]_194-kate allowed a drink tonight ? ”_[194-kate] [Her]_194-kate question is laced with a little mischief , and definitely some hope . [I]_0-i realize that [she]_194-kate maybe feels the need for a little Dutch courage . [I]_0-i ca n’t deny [her]_194-kate that , but [I]_0-i ’ll be keeping a very close eye on [her]_194-kate . “ One or two , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i agree , opening the car door for [her]_194-kate . [She]_194-kate lowers into the seat and [I]_0-i move in , fastening [her]_194-kate belt . As [I]_0-i back up , [I]_0-i stop , [my]_0-i body bent , [my]_0-i face nose to nose with [hers]_194-kate . [She]_194-kate smiles . [I]_0-i smile . “ [I]_0-i hope [you]_0-i have a lovely evening , [Mrs. Ward]_26-maddie . ”_[0-i] “ [My]_0-i date is [a god]_{2768-a god} . Of course [I]_0-i will . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i land [her]_194-kate with a soft kiss . “ [I]_0-i fucking love [you]_0-i . ”_[0-i] Chapter 37 The foyer of Café Royal sparkles , the grandeur impressive . [We]_{461-both of us} enter [the small ornate elevator]_{1352-the small ornate elevator} , [both of [us]_{461-both of us}]_{461-both of us} quiet as it slowly carries [us]_{461-both of us} up . [Ava]_238-ava peeks at [me]_0-i a few times , never releasing [my]_0-i hand . When the doors open , the rush of sound hits [us]_{461-both of us} — music , chatting , laughter . [I]_0-i step forward , but feel [Ava]_238-ava ’s resistance behind [me]_0-i . “ [Everyone]_283-everyone is looking forward to seeing [you]_0-i , ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i say , trying to build [her]_238-ava confidence . “ And [I]_0-i ’ll never leave [your]_0-i side . ”_[0-i] “ What if [I]_0-i need [the ladies]_{2611-the ladies} ? ”_[0-i] “ Then [I]_0-i ’ll come , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say matter - of - factly , because it is definitely a fact . [She]_238-ava smiles , knowing [I]_0-i really will , and leaves [the elevator]_{1353-the elevator} . “ If it ’s too loud , [you]_0-i must tell [me]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i do n’t want [her]_238-ava getting a headache . “ What will [you]_0-i do ? Demand [everyone]_283-everyone be quiet and order [Drew]_53-drew to turn off the music ? ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i smile down at [her]_238-ava , not needing to answer . [She]_238-ava knows [I]_0-i ’d do that as well . “ Silly question , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava says on a shake of [her]_238-ava head . “ Of course [you]_0-i would . ”_[238-ava] [We]_1354-we cross the threshold of [the room]_{202-the room} , and [I]_0-i feel [Ava]_238-ava ’s hand squeeze [mine]_0-i , [her]_238-ava other hand coming up and clinging onto [my]_0-i bicep . “ Relax , ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i tell [her]_238-ava gently , taking a glass of fizz from an offered tray and peeling [her]_238-ava hand off [my]_0-i arm . [I]_0-i give [her]_238-ava the champagne . “ Small sips . ”_[0-i] “ Right . ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava sinks the entire glass , stealthily moving back when [I]_0-i reach to seize it . “ Too slow , [Ward]_26-maddie , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava murmurs , placing the empty on the tray . [The woman]_238-ava is impossible . “ [You]_238-ava ’ll pay for that . ”_[238-ava] “ Ca n’t wait . ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava hand raises in a wave , and [we]_1354-we ’re soon joined by [Raya]_54-raya . “ Congratulations , [Raya]_54-raya . [You]_238-ava look gorgeous , ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava tells [her]_238-ava , taking both [her]_238-ava hands and holding them out to admire [Raya]_54-raya ’s dress in all its glory . “ This old thing ? ”_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava rolls [her]_238-ava eyes and moves in to kiss [Ava]_238-ava on the cheek . “ Thank [you]_238-ava for coming . It means a lot to [me]_238-ava and [Drew]_53-drew . ”_[238-ava] “ Would n’t miss it for [the world]_{2163-the world} . ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava peeks up at [me]_0-i and jerks [her]_238-ava head a little , [her]_238-ava way of telling [me]_0-i to give some attention to [the lady of the moment]_238-ava . “ Really stunning , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i all but grunt , peeling [my]_0-i eyes away from [[my]_0-i devious wife]_26-maddie just as [Drew]_53-drew joins [us]_1357-us . [His]_53-drew suit is pristine , as expected . [He]_53-drew gives [his]_53-drew fiancée a loving kiss on [her]_26-maddie cheek , before moving in on [Ava]_238-ava . [I]_0-i will [him]_53-drew not to make a big deal of [her]_26-maddie presence . [Everyone]_121-everyone commenting on [her]_26-maddie actually being here wo n’t help . “ [Ava]_238-ava , [you]_238-ava look sublime . ”_{[121-everyone]} [Drew]_53-drew drops a gentle kiss on [her]_26-maddie cheek before rejoining [Raya]_54-raya . “ Thank [you]_238-ava for coming . Now , if [you]_238-ava would n’t mind [me]_53-drew stealing [[my]_53-drew beautiful bride]_{2773-my beautiful bride} - to - be . ”_[53-drew] “ Of course , [you]_238-ava go . ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava shoos them away and takes advantage of [the passing waiter]_{1358-the passing waiter} as [I]_0-i shake [Drew]_53-drew ’s hand . “ Easy , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i warn as [she]_26-maddie takes the glass to [her]_26-maddie lips . It rests on [her]_26-maddie bottom lip for a few moments as [she]_26-maddie regards [my]_0-i increasingly bristly form . Then [she]_26-maddie makes a show of taking the smallest , slowest sip [she]_26-maddie possibly could . “ Do n’t push [me]_26-maddie , [lady]_26-maddie . ”_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i collect [her]_26-maddie hand and push through [the crowd]_{1359-the crowd} , making sure [I]_0-i clear the way first as [I]_0-i pull [Ava]_238-ava along with [me]_0-i . “ There ’s [John]_60-jacob , ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava says , pointing toward [the bar]_{667-the bar} . “ And [Elsie]_32-mum . ”_[1361-he] [He]_1361-he ’s brought a date ? [I]_0-i change course quickly , heading [their]_{1359-the crowd} way . [The big guy]_{830-the big guy} is smiling , probably wider than [I]_0-i ’ve ever seen before , and [he]_{830-the big guy} ’s made a real effort . [His]_{830-the big guy} black suit is new for sure , [his]_{830-the big guy} white shirt stark , and [his]_{830-the big guy} bald head is supershiny , undoubtedly freshly polished . As soon as [he]_{830-the big guy} spots [me]_0-i , [his]_{830-the big guy} bright smile turns into a filthy glare . One that could shrink every muscle [I]_0-i have , and [I]_0-i have a lot . But , of course , [I]_0-i completely ignore [his]_{830-the big guy} suddenly threatening stance , [my]_0-i body becoming taller . “ Do n’t tease [him]_{830-the big guy} , ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava warns . [I]_0-i scoff . [I]_0-i ’ve waited forever for this . “ [John]_60-jacob . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i slap a firm hand on [his]_{830-the big guy} solid shoulder . [He]_{830-the big guy} does n’t move an inch . “ [You]_60-jacob look like [you]_60-jacob ’re here to impress . ”_{[830-the big guy]} [His]_{830-the big guy} eyes darken , only making [my]_0-i grin widen . [I]_0-i turn it onto [Elsie]_32-mum and blind [her]_32-mum with it . “ And [you]_60-jacob look ravishing . [I]_0-i hope [John]_60-jacob has told [you]_60-jacob so . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ca n’t imagine [him]_{830-the big guy} paying a compliment . “ Oh , [he]_{830-the big guy} has . ”_[0-i] [Elsie]_32-mum ’s hand reaches for [John]_60-jacob ’s . “ Quite a few times , in fact . ”_[60-jacob] [John]_60-jacob ’s still glaring at [me]_0-i , and [I]_0-i ’m still totally ignoring it . “ How romantic of [you]_60-jacob . ”_{[830-the big guy]} [His]_{830-the big guy} eyes are telling [me]_0-i to fuck right off before [he]_{830-the big guy} smashes [me]_0-i in [my]_0-i smug face , but [he]_{830-the big guy} would never tell [me]_0-i so in front of [[his]_{830-the big guy} new lady friend]_{1363-his new lady friend} . “ So [you]_{1363-his new lady friend} two official ? ”_{[830-the big guy]} “ [Jesse]_454-jesse . ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava sighs , sounding tired by [my]_0-i game . Tired ? [I]_0-i ’ve only just begun . “ Let ’s go find [Kate]_194-kate and [Sam]_50-sam . ”_[0-i] “ Good idea , ”_[60-jacob] [John]_60-jacob growls as [Ava]_238-ava pulls [me]_0-i away . [I]_0-i just ca n’t wipe the grin off [my]_0-i face . “ Have a nice evening . ”_[60-jacob] [John]_60-jacob sounds less than sincere . “ [You]_{1363-his new lady friend} too , ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava calls , [her]_238-ava yanks of [my]_0-i arm getting firmer . “ [Jesse]_454-jesse , for the love of [God]_373-god , will [you]_{1363-his new lady friend} behave ? ”_[238-ava] “ This is monumental stuff , [baby]_454-jesse . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i relent and turn , letting [her]_238-ava pull [me]_0-i through the crowds . “ [I]_238-ava ’ve only known [him]_{1364-the colossal , mean - looking man who i adore with all my heart} to be goo - goo over [his]_{1364-the colossal , mean - looking man who i adore with all my heart} bonsai trees . ”_[238-ava] “ [He]_{1364-the colossal , mean - looking man who i adore with all my heart} has bonsai trees ? ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava wonder is warranted as [she]_238-ava glances back to [the colossal , mean - looking man who [I]_0-i adore with all [my]_0-i heart]_{1364-the colossal , mean - looking man who i adore with all my heart} . “ If [he]_{1364-the colossal , mean - looking man who i adore with all my heart} pays as much attention to [Elsie]_32-mum as [he]_{1364-the colossal , mean - looking man who i adore with all my heart} does those trees , [she]_32-mum ’ll be feeling pretty special . ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i spot [Sam]_50-sam with [Kate]_194-kate , who ’s shoving a canapé in [her]_194-kate mouth . “ Hungry , [Kate]_194-kate ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ask , alarmed as [she]_194-kate follows it up quickly with another . “ Oh [my]_194-kate God , ”_[194-kate] [she]_194-kate mumbles around [her]_194-kate full mouth , closing [her]_194-kate eyes like [she]_194-kate ’s tasting heaven . “ [I]_194-kate just ca n’t stop eating . ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate collects another and holds it while moving in to give [Ava]_238-ava a hug . “ Food . Just give [me]_238-ava food and [I]_238-ava ’ll be happy . ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava laughs over [her]_194-kate shoulder as [Sam]_50-sam shakes [his]_50-sam head in amusement . “ Shall [we]_2774-we get some seats ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ask , mindful of [Kate]_194-kate ’s huge belly , and of [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie ’s dodgy leg . “ No . ”_[50-sam] [Sam]_50-sam shakes [his]_50-sam head , pointing [his]_50-sam beer to [a passing waiter]_{1366-a passing waiter} . “ [She]_238-ava ’s figured out the route to [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} . This is the prime spot to bag the good stuff before [everyone else]_{2776-everyone else} gets to it . [We]_2774-we ’ll be [here]_2274-here all night . ”_[50-sam] “ [You]_238-ava need to sit down , [Kate]_194-kate , ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava moans at [her]_238-ava , reaching for [her]_238-ava tummy and giving it a little rub . “ How are [you]_238-ava feeling ? ”_[238-ava] “ Hungry , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava replies , seizing another canapé and stuffing the whole thing in [her]_238-ava mouth . [Sam]_50-sam looks entirely exasperated as [he]_50-sam takes one for [himself]_50-sam . “ And [I]_50-sam ’m coming out in sympathy . [This baby]_{2778-this baby} needs to come soon before [[its]_{2778-this baby} mum]_{2779-its mum} and [dad]_2307-dad run out of food and eat each other . ”_[50-sam] [Ava]_238-ava laughs , looking relaxed as [she]_238-ava observes [[our]_1367-us friends]_{1031-our friends} munching [their]_{1031-our friends} way through canapé after canapé . [I]_0-i ’m not standing here all night . Besides , [Ava]_238-ava needs to sit down . [I]_0-i spot [a waitress entering [the room]_{202-the room}]_{1369-a waitress entering the room} , heading this way , and as soon as [she]_238-ava makes it to [us]_1367-us , [I]_0-i take the tray from [her]_238-ava hands . “ It ’s an emergency , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say to [her]_238-ava startled face . “ Oh God . ”_[0-i] [Kate]_194-kate ’s on [me]_0-i like [she]_194-kate needs [me]_0-i to breathe , ramming food into [her]_194-kate mouth . “ Come on . ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i usher [them]_{1031-our friends} all onto [the balcony]_{1371-the balcony} , following with the tray . The traffic on [Regent Street]_{19-regent street} is clear , the lights glowing , the bustle of [London]_11-london a perfect backdrop . Stone columns close [us]_1367-us in , prisms of fire warming the nighttime air . It ’s beautifully idyllic , [this little private haven above [the busy streets of [London]_11-london]_{1373-the busy streets of london}]_{1372-this little private haven above the busy streets of london} . As soon as [Kate]_194-kate ’s sitting down , [I]_0-i put the tray in front of [her]_194-kate , smiling at [Sam]_50-sam when [he]_50-sam rolls [his]_50-sam eyes . “ Sips , ”_[50-sam] [I]_0-i whisper in [Ava]_238-ava ’s ear as [she]_238-ava lowers to a chair , taking a water for [myself]_0-i . “ [You]_238-ava hungry ? ”_[238-ava] “ Even if [I]_238-ava was , [I]_238-ava do n’t think [I]_238-ava ’d dare take one from [her]_194-kate , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava quips , making [Kate]_194-kate ’s chewing slow to a stop . “ Oow … ohhh … usstt . ”_[238-ava] [Her]_238-ava hands wave at the tray as [she]_238-ava splutters a load of nonsense at [us]_1374-us . And then [Ava]_238-ava reaches forward , taking one of the little flatbreads as [Kate]_194-kate groans happily on . “ [I]_194-kate do n’t know what it is about them , but [I]_194-kate ca n’t get enough . ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i ’m thrilled to see [Ava]_238-ava pop one in [her]_238-ava mouth without any pressing from [me]_0-i . But it is n’t in [her]_238-ava mouth for long . [She]_238-ava coughs , grabbing a napkin and holding it to [her]_238-ava mouth . “ Fucking hell , ”_[238-ava] [she]_238-ava splutters , emptying the contents of [her]_238-ava mouth into the material . “ [Ava]_238-ava . ”_[0-i] [My]_0-i bark of [her]_238-ava name makes [her]_238-ava jump a little , though [I]_0-i get no apology for [her]_238-ava foul mouth . “ [I]_194-kate know , right ? ”_[194-kate] [Kate]_194-kate grabs another and rams it in . “ Serious … eeee … est … ings . ”_[194-kate] “ [I]_238-ava need water ! ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava starts fanning [her]_238-ava mouth , frantically searching [the vicinity]_{487-the vicinity} . “ Quickly ! Oh [my]_0-i God , [my]_0-i mouth ’s burning ! ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i hand over [my]_0-i glass as [Sam]_50-sam falls apart across the table , and [she]_238-ava grabs it , slurping it down ravenously . “ Spicy ? ”_[238-ava] [I]_0-i take a wild guess , smiling as [she]_238-ava nods over the glass . “ Delicious , ”_[194-kate] [Kate]_194-kate corrects . “ [You]_2781-you hate hot food . ”_[194-kate] [Ava]_238-ava ’s face is red , a mild sweat dampening [her]_238-ava skin . [She]_238-ava looks at [the platter]_{1376-the platter} with disgust . “ Oh , [Kate]_194-kate ’s developed a bit of a craving . ”_[238-ava] [Sam]_50-sam takes one of the canapés and holds it out to [Kate]_194-kate , whose mouth falls open like [she]_194-kate ’s begging for a treat . “ [She]_194-kate ’s draining [the local Indian restaurant]_{2782-the local indian restaurant} dry . ”_[50-sam] [He]_50-sam slips it past [her]_194-kate lips and wipes a little bit of sauce from the corner of [her]_194-kate mouth on a fond smile . “ [I]_50-sam wo n’t miss the midnight demands for a curry , but [I]_50-sam will miss these . ”_[50-sam] [He]_50-sam cups one of [her]_194-kate swelling boobs on a grin . [Ava]_238-ava does n’t know where to look , diving into [her]_238-ava fizz , whereas [I]_0-i laugh . [She]_238-ava got used to [Sam]_50-sam ’s cheeky nature over the years . Now [she]_238-ava has to start all over again . “ Drinks , [anyone]_305-anyone ? ”_[238-ava] [Sam]_50-sam asks , releasing [Kate]_194-kate ’s boob and rising . “ [I]_194-kate ’ll have a grapefruit juice . ”_[194-kate] [Kate]_194-kate waffles around [her]_194-kate ever - full mouth . “ With a dash of tomato juice and some Worcester sauce . ”_[194-kate] “ [Jesus]_26-maddie , [Kate]_194-kate , ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava breathes , grimacing . “ [Pregnancy]_{140-pregnancy} is doing weird stuff to [your]_194-kate appetite . ”_[238-ava] “ Tell [me]_50-sam about it , ”_[50-sam] [Sam]_50-sam says . “ [Jesse]_454-jesse ? ”_[50-sam] “ Just a water for [me]_238-ava . ”_[238-ava] “ [You]_454-jesse go , ”_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava suggests , nodding when [I]_0-i look at [her]_194-kate in question . What happened to never leaving [her]_194-kate side ? “ It ’s fine . [Kate]_194-kate ’s here . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i sense [she]_194-kate wants some alone time with [[her]_194-kate friend]_{52-her friend} , and [I]_0-i ’m honestly not sure how [I]_0-i feel about that . What will be said ? [I]_0-i do n’t know , and that ’s [a killer]_{629-a killer} . But crowding [her]_194-kate when [she]_194-kate ’s asked for a little space will do [me]_0-i no favors . “ Five minutes , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i agree reluctantly , leaning in and pushing [my]_0-i mouth to [her]_194-kate cheek . “ [You]_194-kate ’re going to talk about [me]_0-i , are n’t [you]_194-kate ? ”_[0-i] “ Do n’t have such a big head . ”_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate smiles , and it ’s fond . It does n’t make [me]_0-i feel any better . [I]_0-i study [her]_194-kate for a few moments , trying to read [her]_194-kate mind . “ Go , ”_[194-kate] [she]_194-kate orders , pulling on [my]_0-i sleeve . “ And bring some canapés back that are n’t going to blow [my]_194-kate head off . ”_[194-kate] It ’s like [she]_194-kate knows the promise that [she]_194-kate ’ll eat will entice [me]_0-i to leave . And [I]_0-i hate that [she]_194-kate ’s right . “ Fine . ”_[0-i] “ And some more of these , ”_[194-kate] [Kate]_194-kate adds , tossing another into [her]_194-kate mouth . “ [I]_194-kate ’m running low . ”_[194-kate] [I]_0-i ’m out of [my]_0-i chair fast , laughing as [I]_0-i walk away with a chuckling [Sam]_50-sam . “ Hey , look at that . ”_[50-sam] [I]_0-i nudge [his]_50-sam shoulder , and [he]_50-sam looks across the bar with [me]_0-i where [John]_60-jacob ’s romancing [[his]_50-sam lady friend]_60-jacob . “ [He]_50-sam ’s gon na plant that big knuckled fist on [your]_60-jacob nose if [you]_60-jacob do n’t pack it in , ”_[50-sam] [Sam]_50-sam laughs , waving [the barman]_{669-the barman} over . “ It would be worth it , ”_[50-sam] [I]_0-i order some water . “ And some grapefruit juice with … ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i fade off , trying to remember the foul concoction [Kate]_194-kate requested . [I]_0-i look at [Sam]_50-sam , who takes over , reeling off [his]_50-sam order . “ Hey , [boys]_2043-boys . ”_[53-drew] [Drew]_53-drew joins [us]_1380-us , a hand on each shoulder as [he]_50-sam peeks [his]_50-sam head through the middle of [us]_1380-us . “ What the fuck is that ? ”_[50-sam] [He]_50-sam eyes up the glass of [God]_373-god - knows - what . “ Do n’t ask . ”_[50-sam] [I]_0-i turn away from [the bar]_{667-the bar} , leaning against the wood . “ So not long until [you]_54-raya ’re nailed down , too . Excited ? ”_[0-i] “ Yes , actually . [I]_50-sam know that surprises [you]_54-raya . ”_[50-sam] It does n’t . From the moment [he]_50-sam met [the lovely Raya]_54-raya , [he]_50-sam was smitten . It might have been a surprise at the time , but [you]_1382-you only have to see [them]_1383-them together to get it . Who would have thought back in the day that this is where [we]_1380-us ’d be ? [Sam]_50-sam preparing for the imminent arrival of [his]_50-sam firstborn , [Drew]_53-drew ready to walk down [the aisle]_{350-the aisle} . And [me]_0-i with [twins]_1385-twins and [a wife who does n’t know [me]_0-i]_{1386-a wife who does n’t know me} . [I]_0-i flinch , knocking [myself]_0-i out of [my]_0-i own depressing thoughts , and it does n’t escape [the boys]_{2639-the boys} ’ notice . [I]_0-i swallow and shake off the melancholy . “ Hey , how ’s things ? ”_[0-i] [Sam]_50-sam asks , and [I]_0-i look past [them]_{2639-the boys} both to see [Ava]_238-ava has moved to the other side of the table to be next to [Kate]_194-kate . [She]_238-ava must sense [my]_0-i watchful eyes , because [she]_238-ava looks up as [she]_238-ava collects [her]_238-ava glass , and then proceeds to take a cheeky , very measured sip . But the volume of alcohol [she]_238-ava ’s drinking is n’t foremost in [my]_0-i mind . What [she]_238-ava ’s saying to [Kate]_194-kate is . Chapter 38 [Ava]_238-ava How are [you]_1388-you feeling ? ” [I]_238-ava ask , resting the stem of [my]_238-ava glass on [Kate]_194-kate ’s pregnant belly . “_[238-ava] [I]_0-i ’m pregnant , fat , and [I]_0-i ’m eating like a fucking horse . ” [She]_238-ava blows [her]_238-ava cheeks out and motions popping them . “_[238-ava] Tell [me]_0-i how [you]_1388-you are . How ’s yoga going ? ” “_[238-ava] Great . ” [I]_238-ava smile , reminded of the image [I]_238-ava had . “_[238-ava] It beats therapy by a mile . At [my]_0-i last session , [I]_0-i was so spaced out , and [I]_0-i saw [Jesse]_454-jesse and [the twins]_1059-babies when [they]_1059-babies were [babies]_1059-babies . ” “_[454-jesse] That ’s great ! ” [I]_454-jesse nod , sipping [my]_454-jesse drink . “_[454-jesse] And how are things with [you]_1388-you and [Jesse]_454-jesse ? ” [I]_454-jesse inhale and take a quick peek into [the bar area where [[my]_454-jesse husband]_454-jesse is standing with [[his]_454-jesse friends]_{2787-his friends}]_{2785-the bar area where my husband is standing with his friends} , but [his]_454-jesse attention is far from on [them]_{2787-his friends} . “_[454-jesse] Good . ” “_[454-jesse] And ? ” [she]_1390-she prompts . [I]_1390-she shrug . “_[1390-she] [He]_1390-she ’s being very attentive . In between [his]_1390-she rants about dresses , drinking , and anything else that displeases [him]_1390-she . Which is a lot . ” [Kate]_194-kate laughs , holding [her]_194-kate belly , and then flinches . “_[83-ouch] [Ouch]_83-ouch . ” [I]_83-ouch immediately bolt forward , [my]_83-ouch hands over [hers]_{2508-the baby} on [her]_{2508-the baby} tummy . “_[83-ouch] What is it ? [You]_1391-you okay ? ” [She]_{2508-the baby} shuffles in [her]_{2508-the baby} seat , grimacing . “_[1391-you] It ’s nothing . Just [the baby]_{2508-the baby} lying awkwardly . ” Brushing away [my]_{2508-the baby} hands , [she]_{2508-the baby} settles and gives [me]_{2508-the baby} [her]_{2508-the baby} undivided attention again . “_{[2508-the baby]} It ’s — ” [I]_0-i hold [my]_0-i hand up , stopping [her]_{2508-the baby} . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i know what [you]_1391-you ’re going to say . [I]_0-i ’ve figured out very quickly that [he]_{2508-the baby} ’s a bit of [a control freak]_{2385-a control freak} . ” “_{[2508-the baby]} A bit ? ” “_{[2508-the baby]} A lot , ” [I]_{2508-the baby} relent , taking [my]_{2508-the baby} glass to [my]_{2508-the baby} lips , thoughtful . “_{[2508-the baby]} It ’s just … weird , is n’t it ? ” “_{[2508-the baby]} What is ? ” [I]_{2508-the baby} wave [my]_{2508-the baby} glass through the air , indicating everything around [me]_{2508-the baby} . “_{[2508-the baby]} Up here . ” [I]_0-i tap the side of [my]_0-i head . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m still early twenties , rocking youth and pursuing [my]_0-i career . ” [I]_0-i look down [my]_0-i lace - clad body . “_[0-i] But here [I]_0-i ’m thirty - eight , married to what can only be described as an ogre , and [I]_0-i have [eleven - year - old twins]_{2282-eleven - year - old twins} . Eleven ! ” [I]_1395-i flop back in [my]_1395-i seat , once again utterly shell - shocked by what is [my]_1395-i life . After way too long of a silence , [I]_1395-i sip [my]_1395-i drink as [I]_1395-i look at [Kate]_194-kate . [She]_194-kate ’s smiling . “_[1395-i] [You]_1395-i know , [I]_0-i saw all these emotions in [you]_1395-i one time before . ” [She]_194-kate waits a moment for [me]_238-ava to ask when , but [I]_238-ava do n’t . [I]_238-ava do n’t need to . “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava . ” With one hand on [mine]_238-ava , the other on [her]_194-kate gigantic belly , [she]_194-kate shuffles in closer . [I]_238-ava look [Kate]_194-kate straight in [her]_194-kate vivid blue eyes , wondering where [she]_194-kate ’s hiding the past sixteen years because , frankly , [she]_194-kate looks no different . The pregnant belly aside . “_[238-ava] For the record , [you]_1395-i look fucking fabulous , ” [she]_194-kate says . Reaching up , [she]_194-kate pushes a stray strand behind [my]_238-ava ear , [her]_194-kate smile knowing . [She]_194-kate ’s read [my]_238-ava mind , but [I]_238-ava still pout , a little put out that [I]_238-ava ’m much older than [I]_238-ava want to be . “_[238-ava] How do [you]_1395-i feel about [him]_1395-i ? ” “_[454-jesse] [Jesse]_454-jesse ? ” “_{[1396-the lord almighty]} No , [the Lord Almighty]_{1396-the lord almighty} . ” The roll of [her]_194-kate eyes is dramatic . “_[1395-i] [He]_1395-i is [the Lord Almighty]_{1396-the lord almighty} . ” [I]_1395-i laugh softly , casting [my]_1395-i gaze to [him]_1395-i at [the bar]_{667-the bar} . [He]_1395-i ’s still watching [me]_1395-i , though something tells [me]_1395-i the glass of bubbles in [my]_1395-i hand is n’t the reason why . [I]_1395-i can see curiosity scattered across [his]_1395-i face , the signature creases that [I]_1395-i ’ve become familiar with spanning [his]_1395-i forehead . [I]_1395-i breathe in , unable to help admiring the fine form of a man who is [[my]_1395-i husband]_454-jesse . [He]_1395-i has a sexy , magnetic appeal that demands attention , and for the most part , [he]_1395-i knows it . [He]_1395-i ’s [a god]_{2768-a god} , no denying it , and [I]_1395-i am married to [him]_1395-i . Though past all [his]_1395-i cocky arrogance , there ’s a vulnerability . A weakness . [I]_1395-i am the cause of that weakness . [His]_1395-i love for [me]_1395-i . [I]_1395-i study [him]_1395-i as [he]_1395-i studies [me]_1395-i , [his]_1395-i big body relaxed against the bar . [My]_1395-i eyes go off on a tangent , roaming the vast length of [him]_1395-i , all the way down to [his]_1395-i Grensons , and back up again until [I]_1395-i get to [his]_1395-i face . That face . [I]_1395-i sigh , relaxing , a smile breaking free when [his]_1395-i green eyes shine , glimmer , and sparkle madly , [his]_1395-i devilish smirk faint but apparent . [He]_1395-i ’s aware of the inspection [he]_1395-i ’s under , and , as always , [he]_1395-i ’s taking too much pleasure from [my]_1395-i inability to keep [my]_1395-i damn eyes under control . [I]_1395-i shake [my]_1395-i head faintly on a little laugh , and [he]_1395-i winks , kissing the air . “_[1395-i] Arrogant pig , ” [I]_1395-i mouth . “_[1395-i] [I]_0-i love [you]_0-i , too , ” [he]_1395-i mouths back , making [me]_0-i laugh out loud and quickly return [my]_0-i focus to [Kate]_194-kate before [I]_0-i inflate [his]_1395-i huge ego even more . [The man]_{27-the man} ’s a case . When [I]_0-i find [[my]_0-i friend]_{2060-my friend} , [I]_0-i also find a cheesy grin around another one of those bloody canapés . “_[0-i] Tell [me]_0-i [you]_0-i do n’t adore [that man]_{27-the man} , ” [she]_194-kate demands . “_{[27-the man]} Tell [me]_0-i it is n’t ingrained into [you]_0-i like every one of [your]_0-i internal organs . Tell [me]_0-i [you]_0-i do n’t need [him]_{27-the man} to survive . ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ca n’t , ” [I]_0-i admit , though the idea is crazy if true . [I]_0-i look at [him]_{27-the man} and feel electric inside . [He]_{27-the man} touches [me]_0-i , and [my]_0-i veins charge with heat . In [his]_{27-the man} arms [I]_0-i feel at [home]_201-home . Like nothing can hurt [me]_0-i . And [I]_0-i know for sure that it ca n’t . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i did n’t know what [I]_0-i felt at first , ” [I]_0-i admit . “_[0-i] Attraction , for sure , but trying to get [my]_0-i head around [this man]_454-jesse being [[my]_0-i husband]_454-jesse was frightening . ” [I]_0-i smile when [Kate]_194-kate takes [my]_0-i hand and holds it in a sign of support . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i saw something in [him]_454-jesse , something that [I]_0-i should have been wary of , yet [I]_0-i was more intrigued by [him]_454-jesse . [He]_454-jesse ’s told [me]_0-i things that are unbelievable , yet [I]_0-i believe [them]_1399-them . ” [Kate]_194-kate does n’t ask what things , as [I]_0-i suspect [she]_194-kate knows . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i just feel [myself]_0-i leaning on [him]_454-jesse in all ways , and [I]_0-i know it ’s the right thing to do . [I]_0-i ca n’t explain it . [I]_0-i feel protective of [him]_454-jesse , even though [I]_0-i know [he]_454-jesse can more than look after [himself]_454-jesse . But more protective of [his]_454-jesse ways , like a need to defend how [he]_454-jesse is . Because [I]_0-i know why [he]_454-jesse ’s like that . [The Manor]_{190-the manor} , [[his]_454-jesse uncle]_60-jacob , [[his]_454-jesse brother]_60-jacob . The scars on [his]_454-jesse stomach , just the thought of [him]_454-jesse being hurt , no matter in what way . ” At the mention of the scars , [Kate]_194-kate inhales , flinching . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i know , ” [I]_0-i agree . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i was so mad when [he]_454-jesse told [me]_0-i how [he]_454-jesse ’d sustained the injuries . [I]_0-i know [he]_454-jesse claims to have been nothing before [he]_454-jesse met [me]_0-i , empty and lost , but still . [He]_454-jesse should n’t have been so careless with [his]_454-jesse life . ” “_[454-jesse] Careless ? ” “_[454-jesse] Not wearing [his]_454-jesse leathers when [he]_454-jesse rode [his]_454-jesse bike , ” [I]_454-jesse prompt , and [she]_454-jesse nods slowly , looking across to [Jesse]_454-jesse with the disappointment [I]_454-jesse feel [myself]_454-jesse . “_[454-jesse] [He]_454-jesse ’s [a silly man]_454-jesse , ” [she]_454-jesse muses , starting to get up from [her]_454-jesse seat , the effort too much , even with [my]_454-jesse helping hand . “_[454-jesse] [I]_0-i need to pee for the thousandth time in an hour . ” “_[0-i] Want [me]_0-i to come ? ” “_[0-i] Trust [me]_0-i , [you]_0-i do n’t want to hear [me]_0-i pee . [I]_0-i sound like [a cart horse]_{1402-a cart horse} . ” “_[0-i] So [you]_0-i ’re eating like a horse , peeing like a horse . [You]_0-i gon na start galloping ? ” [I]_50-sam smile when [she]_454-jesse chuckles . “_[50-sam] [Sam]_50-sam ’s gon na have to roll [me]_0-i out of this joint . ” [She]_454-jesse stretches , standing tall , [her]_454-jesse palms in [her]_454-jesse back pushing [her]_454-jesse hips forward . “_[50-sam] Oh , God , ” [she]_454-jesse groans , the sound pure pleasure . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’ll be back in a minute . [You]_0-i want a drink ? ” “_[0-i] Yes , but do n’t let [Jesse]_454-jesse see it . ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’ll smuggle it through in [my]_0-i gigantic knickers . ” [She]_454-jesse wanders off , and [I]_0-i fall into thought again , at the same time admiring [Jesse]_454-jesse . Falling in love with [him]_454-jesse so quickly seems like an outlandish possibility . But it happened once before . And it ’s happening once again . Chapter 39 [I]_0-i watch as [Kate]_194-kate half wobbles , half marches toward [me]_0-i , though it ’s plain to see [she]_194-kate ’s trying to execute the latter with grit . It does n’t matter if [she]_194-kate ’s failing . The look on [her]_194-kate face is like thunder , and [I]_0-i ’m puzzled as to why . “_[0-i] Oh shit , who ’s upset the [she]_1403-her - devil ? ” [Sam]_50-sam mutters under [his]_50-sam breath , spotting [[his]_50-sam girlfriend]_{1040-his girlfriend} steaming toward [us]_2794-us . “_[0-i] Hey , gorgeous ! ” “_[454-jesse] What the fuck , [Jesse]_454-jesse ? ” [She]_1403-her launches right in . “_[454-jesse] [Your]_454-jesse scars . [You]_454-jesse told [her]_1403-her [you]_454-jesse had a motorcycle accident ? ” “_[454-jesse] Oh , ” [I]_454-jesse say , [her]_1403-her grievance suddenly crystal clear . “_[454-jesse] Oh ? That ’s it , oh ? [You]_454-jesse ca n’t keep that kind of shit from [her]_1403-her ! ” What ? [I]_454-jesse ca n’t keep that kind of shit from [her]_1403-her ? [Fucking]_118-fucking watch [me]_454-jesse . Only because [Kate]_194-kate ’s expecting do [I]_454-jesse hold back from getting up in [her]_194-kate face . [I]_454-jesse do n’t fancy a scrap with [[my]_454-jesse mate]_26-maddie , not that [Kate]_194-kate would need [him]_26-maddie . [She]_194-kate ’s a firecracker all on [her]_194-kate own , more so since [[my]_454-jesse mate]_26-maddie put a bun in [her]_194-kate oven . “_[454-jesse] [I]_0-i know what [I]_0-i ’m doing . ” [I]_1404-you breathe through [my]_1404-you statement , calm as [I]_1404-you can manage when on the inside [I]_1404-you ’m livid . [I]_1404-you know what ’s best for [[my]_1404-you wife]_26-maddie . [Me]_1404-you . [She]_26-maddie ’s [the one]_{2033-the one} recoiling now , and [Sam]_50-sam ’s quick to move in , a pacifying arm placed on [her]_26-maddie back . And [Kate]_194-kate ’s quick to shrug [him]_50-sam off . “_[1404-you] [You]_1404-you ’re lying , that ’s what [you]_1404-you ’re doing . ” “_[1404-you] [I]_0-i ’m protecting [her]_0-i . ” [I]_1404-you can feel [my]_1404-you teeth grinding , [my]_1404-you jaw aching in an instant . “_[1404-you] By lying ? ” [She]_0-i laughs , and it ’s sarcastic as fuck . “_[1404-you] Have n’t [you]_1404-you learned ? Look what happened the last time [you]_1404-you kept [her]_0-i in the dark . ” [Her]_0-i face is getting redder by the second , [her]_0-i rage probably matching [mine]_1404-you , though [I]_194-kate ’m containing it far better than [Kate]_194-kate . “_[194-kate] [Kate]_194-kate , calm the fuck down . ” [Sam]_50-sam tries to encourage [her]_194-kate away . [She]_194-kate ’s having none of it . “_[194-kate] [You]_1404-you ca n’t lie to [her]_194-kate . It is n’t right . ” [I]_194-kate swallow and reach for [Kate]_194-kate ’s hand , taking it in a firm grip and looking [her]_194-kate square in the eye . [I]_194-kate hope [she]_194-kate sees how sincere [I]_194-kate am . How determined . “_[194-kate] [Kate]_194-kate , lies are necessary when [you]_1404-you know [the person [you]_1404-you ’re lying to ca n’t handle the truth]_{1405-the person you ’re lying to ca n’t handle the truth} . ” [I]_238-ava breathe in more oxygen , and [Kate]_194-kate snaps [her]_194-kate mouth shut , so [I]_238-ava push on while [she]_194-kate ’s been silenced . “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava ca n’t handle the truth , [Kate]_194-kate . Not now . Maybe never . [I]_0-i do n’t know , but in this moment [I]_0-i ’m not telling [her]_194-kate all that shit . It pales into insignificance , anyway . What matters to [me]_0-i , to [Ava]_238-ava , is [us]_1406-our . [[Our]_1406-our family]_{2010-the kids} . [The kids]_{2010-the kids} . [I]_0-i want all of [her]_194-kate energy on [me]_0-i and [the twins]_{2012-the twins} . Not [a nobody who ’s not in [our]_1406-our lives anymore]_{1409-a nobody who ’s not in our lives anymore} . ” [She]_194-kate ’s staring at [me]_0-i , absorbing [my]_0-i speech . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i think [you]_0-i ’re mad . ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i feel it , ” [I]_194-kate say . “_[194-kate] But [she]_194-kate ’s falling in love with [me]_0-i again , and now more than ever , [I]_0-i do n’t want anything to jeopardize that . ” [I]_194-kate flick [my]_194-kate eyes to [Sam]_50-sam . [He]_50-sam still has hold of [Kate]_194-kate , but [his]_50-sam eyes are on [me]_194-kate . Sympathy is emblazoned across [his]_50-sam face . And [his]_50-sam small nod tells [me]_194-kate [he]_50-sam understands the angle [I]_194-kate ’m taking here . [I]_194-kate ’m grateful . “_[194-kate] Oh shit , ” [Kate]_194-kate blurts , [her]_194-kate welling eyes overflowing when [she]_194-kate blinks . “_[194-kate] Hey . ” [I]_194-kate move in to comfort [her]_194-kate , to make sure [we]_2797-we ’re all right . “_[194-kate] Do n’t get upset . ” “_[194-kate] [I]_0-i ’m not upset . ” [She]_194-kate looks down , as do [I]_194-kate , finding a puddle around [our]_2797-we feet . “_[194-kate] [My]_0-i water broke . ” “_[194-kate] Oh , fuck . ” [I]_194-kate step back , cringing , feeling all kinds of guilty for more or less inducing [her]_194-kate labor . “_[194-kate] What ? ” [Sam]_50-sam shoots a fire stare at [[his]_50-sam girlfriend]_{1040-his girlfriend} . “_[194-kate] That ’s what happens when [you]_1410-you get stressed out ! ” [He]_{1040-his girlfriend} takes [her]_194-kate cheeks and moves in , smacking a big kiss on [her]_194-kate lips . “_[194-kate] If [you]_1410-you were n’t in labor , [I]_0-i ’d spank [you]_1410-you stupid . ” “_[0-i] Save it for later , [Samuel]_50-sam . ” [Kate]_194-kate gazes at [him]_50-sam as [Sam]_50-sam gazes back . “_[50-sam] [We]_1411-we ’re going to have [a baby]_{1412-a baby} . ” And like the news might have just sunk in , [he]_50-sam flips to panic mode . “_[1411-we] Fuck ! [I]_0-i ’m going to have [a baby]_{1412-a baby} ! ” [He]_50-sam looks at [me]_0-i , and then to [Drew]_53-drew . “_[0-i] [We]_1411-we ’re having [a baby]_{1412-a baby} ! ” [he]_50-sam shouts , silencing [the room]_{202-the room} . “_{[2167-an ambulance]} Call [an ambulance]_{2167-an ambulance} ! ” “_{[293-someone]} [Someone]_293-someone calm [him]_293-someone the fuck down , ” [Kate]_194-kate mumbles , and then that mumble turns into a moan , [her]_194-kate body bending at the waist . “_{[293-someone]} Ohhh , shit , there it is . ” “_{[293-someone]} What ’s going on ? ” [Ava]_238-ava rushes over , looking to [everyone]_283-everyone , and then down at [her]_194-kate feet . “_{[293-someone]} Oh . ” “_{[293-someone]} Oh , [your]_293-someone pretty shoes , ” [Kate]_194-kate whines , clinging to [Sam]_50-sam ’s arm . “_[1411-we] [They]_1411-we ’re ruined . ” “_[1411-we] Give it a rest , [woman]_26-maddie , ” [Sam]_50-sam chides as [Kate]_194-kate flings [her]_194-kate other arm out and grabs [me]_454-jesse . [I]_454-jesse hold on to [her]_194-kate as [she]_194-kate pants , [her]_194-kate red face now red for other reasons . Flashbacks , tons of them , steam forward and swamp [my]_454-jesse brain — visions of [Ava]_238-ava in the latter weeks of [her]_238-ava pregnancy , fooling [me]_454-jesse into believing [she]_238-ava was in labor to wind [me]_454-jesse up , and then the moment [she]_238-ava was n’t playing anymore . The moment it actually happened . [I]_454-jesse look across to [[my]_454-jesse wife]_238-ava as [I]_454-jesse help [Sam]_50-sam hold up [Kate]_194-kate , [a crowd of people]_{2801-a crowd of people} growing . [I]_454-jesse watch as [[my]_454-jesse wife]_238-ava throws out instructions , before taking [Kate]_194-kate ’s arm from [me]_454-jesse . [I]_454-jesse ’m in a world of [my]_454-jesse own , rendered immobile by [my]_454-jesse memories , a useless heap of man amid the pandemonium . “_[454-jesse] [Jesse]_454-jesse ! ” [Ava]_238-ava ’s sharp shout of [my]_454-jesse name snaps [me]_454-jesse back into [the room]_{202-the room} . [She]_238-ava ’s looking at [me]_454-jesse in question . “_[454-jesse] [You]_454-jesse ’re [the only one who has n’t been drinking]_{1416-the only one who has n’t been drinking} . ” [She]_238-ava must catch [my]_454-jesse confusion , because [she]_238-ava pushes on urgently . “_[454-jesse] [You]_454-jesse need to drive [us]_1417-us to [the hospital]_{384-the hospital} . ” “_[454-jesse] Right . ” “_[454-jesse] [An ambulance]_{2167-an ambulance} ! ” [Sam]_50-sam yells , frantically looking around [the room]_{202-the room} , like [he]_293-someone might find one in [Café Royal]_{141-café royal} . “_{[293-someone]} Will [someone]_293-someone shut [him]_293-someone the hell up , ” [Kate]_194-kate spits , forgoing the help of [[her]_194-kate boyfriend]_{52-her friend} and putting all of [her]_194-kate trust into [Ava]_238-ava , clinging onto [[her]_238-ava friend]_{52-her friend} . “_{[293-someone]} Oohhhhhh God ! ” Over [she]_238-ava goes again , bending at the waist . “_{[293-someone]} Shit , shit , shit . ” [Ava]_238-ava starts walking [Kate]_194-kate toward [the exit]_{2804-the exit} , [me]_50-sam and [Sam]_50-sam following like [the useless men [we]_2806-we are]_{2805-the useless men we are} . “_[50-sam] [Sam]_50-sam , [I]_0-i need [you]_50-sam to time the contractions , ” [Ava]_238-ava orders over [her]_238-ava shoulder , helping [Kate]_194-kate along . “_[454-jesse] [Jesse]_454-jesse , bring [the car]_{2161-the car} around . ” [Kate]_194-kate takes slow , tentative steps , [Ava]_238-ava matching [her]_238-ava pace . “_[454-jesse] How bad does it hurt ? ” [Kate]_194-kate asks , looking to [Ava]_238-ava for reassurance . “_{[1422-a bitch]} Like [a bitch]_{1422-a bitch} , ” [Ava]_238-ava answers automatically . [I]_{1422-a bitch} find [myself]_{1422-a bitch} inhaling , a little stunned . “_{[1422-a bitch]} And when [that baby]_{1422-a bitch} ’s ready to come out , [you]_50-sam ’re gon na feel like [you]_50-sam ’re trying to push a flaming watermelon out of [your]_50-sam fanny . ” [Kate]_194-kate laughs , and then stops , shouting at the doors of [the elevator]_{1353-the elevator} . “_{[75-motherfucker]} [Motherfucker]_{75-motherfucker} ! ” “_{[75-motherfucker]} About sums it up , ” [Ava]_238-ava quips , accepting a wet cloth from [Raya]_54-raya and dabbing at [Kate]_194-kate ’s forehead . “_[50-sam] [You]_50-sam ’re stealing [my]_0-i thunder , ” [Raya]_54-raya jokes , nothing but fondness in [her]_54-raya tone as [she]_54-raya takes [Kate]_194-kate ’s other side , the trio of [women]_707-women in a line before [us]_2809-us , taking the ropes , putting [us]_2809-us to shame . All that ’s left for [me]_1423-me to do is put an arm around [Sam]_50-sam and walk [him]_50-sam on behind while [I]_1423-me watch [Ava]_238-ava talk [Kate]_194-kate through it . Like [she]_194-kate ’s done it before . Because [she]_194-kate has . * * * [Five of [us]_2809-us]_{2810-five of us} sit in [the waiting room]_{2811-the waiting room} — [me]_1423-me , [Ava]_238-ava , [Drew]_53-drew , [Raya]_54-raya , and [Georgia]_58-georgia . [We]_2809-us insisted [they]_2809-us stay at [Café Royal]_{141-café royal} and enjoy [their]_2809-us party . [They]_2809-us insisted on coming . It ’s past midnight , and [Georgia]_58-georgia is asleep on [Drew]_53-drew ’s lap , [Raya]_54-raya ’s head resting on [his]_53-drew shoulder . The consistent moans and screams of [women]_707-women are leaking out of the doors of [the maternity unit]_{2813-the maternity unit} . It ’s only been a few hours since [we]_2809-us arrived , and [I]_1423-me know more than anyone that it could be a long night . But not [one of [us]_2809-us]_{2814-one of us} is prepared to leave . This is a monumental moment in [[our]_2809-us friends]_{1031-our friends} ’ lives . [We]_2809-us all want to be here for it . [I]_1423-me peek down at [Ava]_238-ava . [She]_238-ava ’s sitting next to [me]_1423-me , [her]_238-ava gaze fixed on [our]_2809-us held hands in [her]_238-ava lap . “_[1423-me] [You]_1423-me okay ? ” [I]_1423-me ask , wondering if [she]_238-ava ’s thinking about when [she]_238-ava had [[our]_2809-us babies]_{2089-our babies} . Looking up at [me]_1423-me , [she]_238-ava sighs , [her]_238-ava head falling onto [my]_1423-me shoulder . [I]_1423-me reach around with [my]_1423-me spare hand and cup [her]_238-ava cheek . “_[1423-me] Does it really feel like [you]_1423-me ’re pushing a flaming watermelon out of [your]_1423-me fanny ? ” [Her]_238-ava jerking body against [mine]_1423-me makes [me]_1423-me smile , [her]_238-ava laugh soft . “_[1423-me] Yes . ” “_[83-ouch] [Ouch]_83-ouch , ” [I]_83-ouch quip , shuddering for effect . [Her]_238-ava hand reaches for [mine]_1423-me on [her]_238-ava face and holds it there . “_[83-ouch] [I]_0-i do n’t know where it all came from , ” [she]_238-ava says , almost sad . “_[83-ouch] It ’s the story of [my]_0-i life at the moment . ” [I]_83-ouch breathe out , [my]_83-ouch arse slipping further from the seat . [I]_83-ouch ’m not sure whether [I]_83-ouch like these little flashes of recollections anymore . [They]_2817-they do n’t excite [me]_83-ouch , more make [me]_83-ouch sad . Sad that the instinct is there , but the memory and the essence of that memory is n’t . [I]_83-ouch close [my]_83-ouch eyes , feeling so tired . [I]_83-ouch have roughly two seconds of shut - eye before [I]_83-ouch hear some doors open . Shooting [my]_83-ouch stare toward [them]_2817-they , [I]_83-ouch find [Sam]_50-sam standing outside [the maternity unit]_{2813-the maternity unit} , looking like shit , [his]_50-sam face washed out , [his]_50-sam eyes bloodshot . For a moment , [I]_83-ouch ’m terrified that something has gone wrong . Then a lazy grin creeps across [his]_50-sam exhausted face , and [my]_83-ouch heart works its way back to a safe pace . “_[83-ouch] It ’s [a girl]_{2026-a girl} , ” [he]_50-sam croaks , [his]_50-sam voice like gravel . “_{[2026-a girl]} [We]_1425-i ’ve gone and got [ourselves]_1425-i [a little girl]_{2026-a girl} . ” [I]_1425-i ’m up in a heartbeat , seeing [he]_50-sam ’ll collapse with a mixture of happiness and exhaustion if [I]_1425-i do n’t reach [him]_50-sam quickly . [He]_50-sam practically falls into [my]_1425-i arms . “_[1425-i] Fuck [me]_0-i , [I]_0-i never want to do that again . ” [I]_{2026-a girl} smile , knowing exactly how [he]_50-sam feels . “_{[2026-a girl]} Congratulations , [mate]_{2026-a girl} . ” [I]_{2026-a girl} give [him]_50-sam the biggest bear hug , taking most of [his]_50-sam weight . [A girl]_{2026-a girl} . [I]_{2026-a girl} laugh under [my]_{2026-a girl} breath . That ’s it . [Sam]_50-sam has joined [Drew]_53-drew and [me]_{2026-a girl} in girlie hell . [I]_{2026-a girl} fucking love it . [I]_{2026-a girl} release [him]_50-sam only when [Ava]_238-ava makes it to [us]_2819-we to take over the hug , though [I]_{2026-a girl} ’m on standby to catch [him]_50-sam if [his]_50-sam legs give . “_{[2026-a girl]} Well done . How ’s [Kate]_194-kate ? ” “_{[142-knackered]} [Knackered]_{142-knackered} . ” [We]_2819-we all come together , hugs and kisses given all around . And it ’s beautiful . A beautiful moment in [our]_2819-we lives . [My]_{142-knackered} only wish is that [the twins]_{2012-the twins} were here , and as [I]_{142-knackered} look at [Georgia]_58-georgia , rubbing at [her]_238-ava sleepy eyes , that wish turns into an ache . Only one more day , [I]_{142-knackered} tell [myself]_{142-knackered} . Then [I]_{142-knackered} see [[my]_{142-knackered} babies]_{216-my babies} . Once [we]_2819-we ’ve said [our]_2819-we good - byes , [I]_{142-knackered} walk [an exhausted Ava]_{2822-an exhausted ava} to [the car]_{2161-the car} , practically holding [her]_{2822-an exhausted ava} up . [I]_{142-knackered} buckle [her]_{2822-an exhausted ava} in , kiss [her]_{2822-an exhausted ava} neck , and linger there for a time , just feeling [her]_{2822-an exhausted ava} on [my]_{142-knackered} skin . [She]_{2822-an exhausted ava} ’s dozy . “_{[142-knackered]} [I]_0-i love [you]_0-i . ” [Her]_{2822-an exhausted ava} whispered confession is drowsy , but [her]_{2822-an exhausted ava} deeper nuzzle into [me]_0-i tells [me]_0-i [she]_{2822-an exhausted ava} ’s aware of what [she]_{2822-an exhausted ava} ’s saying . [My]_0-i heart could burst . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i know , ” [I]_0-i whisper back , kissing [her]_{2822-an exhausted ava} hair , holding [my]_0-i lips there forever . In this moment , such a perfect moment , [I]_0-i decide what [I]_0-i must do in the morning . Chapter 40 [Ed Sheeran]_{143-ed sheeran} ’s “_[0-i] Give [Me]_0-i Love ” plays quietly , a soft background noise in [[our]_2824-our bedroom]_{593-our bedroom} , the tones calm and relaxing . [Ava]_238-ava ’s lids peel open gradually , blinking as [they]_2826-they do , [her]_238-ava pupils shrinking before [my]_194-kate eyes as [she]_238-ava becomes accustomed to the morning light . [I]_194-kate know the second [she]_238-ava finds [me]_194-kate straddling [her]_238-ava waist , because [she]_238-ava smiles . And that smile falls the moment [she]_238-ava tries to reach for [me]_194-kate . Because [she]_238-ava ca n’t move [her]_238-ava hands . [Her]_238-ava eyes dart up to the headboard , where [her]_238-ava wrists are securely shackled . A few jerks of [her]_238-ava arms later , [she]_238-ava returns [her]_238-ava eyes to [me]_194-kate . [I]_194-kate raise [my]_194-kate eyebrows . [Her]_238-ava mouth drops open . “_[194-kate] Morning , [baby]_194-kate , ” [I]_194-kate chirp , resting [my]_194-kate palms on the insides of [her]_238-ava upper arms , pushing them into the bed . “_[194-kate] Oh , no [you]_1427-you did not , ” [she]_238-ava sputters , having a little futile wriggle beneath [me]_1427-you . “_[1427-you] Oh , yes [I]_0-i did . ” [I]_1427-you lower [my]_1427-you face , slowly getting closer and closer to [her]_238-ava lips . [She]_238-ava stills . “_[1427-you] Remember what [your]_1427-you last words to [me]_0-i were last night ? ” [Her]_238-ava eyes slightly widen , and [I]_1427-you know , [I]_1427-you just know [she]_238-ava ’s going to deny it . [She]_238-ava shakes [her]_238-ava head mildly , a smile tickling [her]_238-ava lips . Oh , [she]_238-ava knows damn well . “_[1427-you] Have it [your]_1427-you way . ” [I]_0-i sigh loudly , dropping [my]_0-i head until [my]_0-i chin meets [my]_0-i chest . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’ll start at three , ” [I]_0-i warn [her]_238-ava , [my]_0-i voice loaded with the craving consuming [me]_0-i . “_[0-i] And when [I]_0-i get to zero , [baby]_194-kate — ” “_[194-kate] What ? Are [you]_1427-you going to force [me]_0-i to marry [you]_1427-you again ? ” The cocky edge to [her]_238-ava tone is thrilling . “_[194-kate] Three , ” [I]_454-jesse begin , not blessing [her]_238-ava with an answer as [I]_454-jesse rise to sit up straight on [her]_238-ava waist . “_[454-jesse] [Jesse]_454-jesse … , ” [she]_238-ava says slowly , cockiness fading and concern creeping forward . “_[454-jesse] Two . ” [I]_454-jesse hold [my]_454-jesse fingers up and lazily lower them to [her]_238-ava stomach . [She]_238-ava stills , hard as steel . “_[454-jesse] No . ” [I]_454-jesse walk [my]_454-jesse fingers south , purposely slowly , prolonging [her]_238-ava anticipation . “_[454-jesse] Do [you]_1427-you remember what [you]_1427-you said ? ” [Her]_238-ava lips press firmly together , [my]_1427-you stubborn little temptress . “_[1427-you] No ? ” [My]_1427-you fingertips reach [her]_238-ava tickle spot and stops . “_[1427-you] Fine by [me]_0-i . One . ” “_[454-jesse] [Jesse]_454-jesse . ” [She]_238-ava exhales [my]_454-jesse name and then quickly sucks in air and holds [her]_238-ava breath , ready for it . “_[454-jesse] Zero , [baby]_454-jesse , ” [I]_454-jesse whisper , removing [my]_454-jesse hands from [her]_238-ava hips and falling forward onto [her]_238-ava , catching [her]_238-ava mouth and startling [her]_238-ava with a smoldering , hot , consuming kiss . Though [I]_454-jesse catch the surprise in [her]_238-ava eyes , [she]_238-ava falls straight into it , matching the deepness , plunging [her]_238-ava tongue far and wide . There ’s not a piece of [my]_454-jesse mouth [she]_238-ava ’s not finding . “_[454-jesse] Marry [me]_0-i , ” [I]_454-jesse say softly into [her]_238-ava mouth . [I]_454-jesse feel [her]_238-ava smile around [my]_454-jesse lips . “_[454-jesse] [You]_454-jesse ’ve married [me]_0-i twice already . ” [I]_454-jesse pull back , a little scowl escaping . “_[454-jesse] Is that a no ? ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i did n’t say no . ” [She]_238-ava looks up at the cuffs , pulling a bit . “_[0-i] Will [you]_454-jesse release [me]_0-i ? ” [I]_454-jesse have no idea why [I]_454-jesse bow to [her]_238-ava order so easily , especially since [she]_238-ava has n’t technically said yes , but [I]_454-jesse find [myself]_454-jesse doing exactly that , reaching up and freeing [her]_238-ava , leaving the cuffs dangling from the bed . [She]_238-ava sits up and pushes [me]_454-jesse to [my]_454-jesse back , now straddling [me]_454-jesse . And then [she]_238-ava takes [my]_454-jesse arms in turn and cuffs [me]_454-jesse to the bed . And [I]_454-jesse let [her]_238-ava . It ’s official . [I]_454-jesse ’m crazy . “_[454-jesse] What are [you]_454-jesse doing ? ” [I]_454-jesse ask as [I]_454-jesse watch [her]_238-ava spread [her]_238-ava body the length of [mine]_454-jesse , looking up at [me]_454-jesse as [she]_238-ava starts to lazily pepper light kisses across [my]_454-jesse torso . [My]_454-jesse head drops back , a rough moan spilling free , [my]_454-jesse eyes closing in bliss . This could be a trick . [She]_238-ava could be leading [me]_454-jesse into a false sense of security . But right now , with [her]_238-ava mouth gliding across [my]_454-jesse flesh , the warmth of [her]_238-ava licks and bites leaving fire in [their]_2827-their wake , [I]_454-jesse could n’t give a fucking shit . [I]_454-jesse do n’t fight the restraints . [I]_454-jesse do n’t lose [my]_454-jesse mind that [I]_454-jesse ca n’t touch [her]_238-ava . [I]_454-jesse do n’t worry about the potential of [her]_238-ava trying to extract information from [me]_454-jesse . [I]_454-jesse ’m lost . [A slave]_{2828-a slave} to [her]_238-ava worshipping mouth . Every nerve ending alive , every vein pumping with hot blood . “_[454-jesse] This is the Truth Fuck , yes ? ” [she]_238-ava asks , [her]_238-ava voice husky and low as [she]_238-ava kisses [her]_238-ava way up [my]_454-jesse body , onto [my]_454-jesse chin , and then [my]_454-jesse mouth . A wave of panic comes over [me]_454-jesse . There ’s no expression on [her]_238-ava face , just pure , potent lust . “_[454-jesse] Yes … ohhhh … ” [I]_238-ava choke on [my]_238-ava groan , [her]_238-ava hips grinding into [my]_238-ava groin . “_[238-ava] Shit , [Ava]_238-ava . ” Rising a little , [she]_238-ava frees [my]_238-ava cock from where it ’s pinned to [my]_238-ava lower stomach , and it pings up , the tip brushing over [her]_238-ava entrance . [I]_238-ava jerk . [She]_238-ava jerks . And then [she]_238-ava lowers [herself]_238-ava onto [me]_238-ava , taking all of [me]_238-ava on one slow plunge . [I]_238-ava clench [my]_238-ava teeth , breathing through [my]_238-ava nose , as [she]_238-ava starts to work [her]_238-ava way up into a mind - blowing rhythm . [I]_238-ava stare up into [her]_238-ava eyes , brown eyes that are spilling desire all over [me]_238-ava . [She]_238-ava ’s killing [me]_238-ava over and over with each and every swivel of [her]_238-ava hips , [her]_238-ava palms resting on [my]_238-ava chest . [I]_238-ava find the will to break eye contact , [my]_238-ava gaze falling to [her]_238-ava breasts as [they]_2829-they bounce lightly , and then to [her]_238-ava stomach , where evidence of [her]_238-ava pregnancy with [the twins]_{2012-the twins} looks back at [me]_238-ava . Beautiful . Every inch of [her]_238-ava is beautiful . Falling forward , [she]_238-ava encases [my]_238-ava head with [her]_238-ava arms , [her]_238-ava face a fraction from [mine]_238-ava . [Her]_238-ava pace never falters . [My]_238-ava pleasure never dips , remaining consistent , taking more of [my]_238-ava breath with each grind . “_[238-ava] [You]_1429-you want some truths , [Jesse Ward]_454-jesse ? ” [she]_238-ava murmurs , weaving [her]_238-ava fingers through [my]_454-jesse hair . [I]_454-jesse just nod , ignoring the ache developing in [my]_454-jesse arms and focusing on easing the ache in [my]_454-jesse cock that ’s being stroked by [her]_238-ava warm walls . “_[454-jesse] [I]_0-i do love [you]_1429-you . ” [She]_238-ava kisses [me]_454-jesse and alters the swing of [her]_238-ava hips , turning it into more of a soft rock . That move , those words . It ’s [my]_454-jesse undoing , and it ’s [Ava]_238-ava ’s , too . “_[454-jesse] Together , ” [she]_238-ava orders softly around [our]_2831-our busy mouths , and with that word , [I]_0-i tip the edge and tumble with [her]_238-ava , maintaining [our]_2831-our kiss the whole time [we]_2831-our ’re riding the waves of pleasure together until [our]_2831-our kiss slows to a stop , as well as [our]_2831-our moving bodies . Though [her]_238-ava constricting walls and [my]_0-i pulsing cock go on for far longer . [I]_0-i feel the release of [her]_238-ava muscles when [she]_238-ava sighs , [her]_238-ava body melting over [mine]_0-i . “_[0-i] Marry [me]_0-i , ” [she]_238-ava breathes , turning [her]_238-ava lips onto [my]_1430-my cheek . If there was ever a moment in [my]_1430-my life that [I]_1430-my could bottle and store away forever , this would be it . Because [she]_238-ava ’s just told [me]_1430-my [she]_238-ava ’s all in . “_[1430-my] [You]_1430-my ca n’t ask [me]_0-i that when [I]_0-i ’m handcuffed to the bed , ” [I]_0-i whisper , feeling [her]_238-ava immediately move and release [me]_0-i . The second [my]_0-i hands are [my]_0-i own again , [I]_0-i flip [her]_238-ava to [her]_238-ava back and crowd [her]_238-ava . “_[0-i] Marry [me]_0-i ? ” [she]_238-ava repeats . “_[0-i] Stupid fucking question . ” And [I]_0-i kiss [her]_238-ava . Chapter 41 It feels like D - day . [The kids]_{2010-the kids} will be [home]_201-home later , [we]_{2010-the kids} meet [Sam]_50-sam and [[Kate]_194-kate ’s baby girl]_194-kate for the first time , and [Ava]_238-ava has [her]_238-ava follow - up appointment with [[her]_238-ava doctor]_{1068-her doctor} . Two of the things on [our]_{2010-the kids} list [I]_0-i ’m elated about . The last not so much . [I]_0-i ’m dreading hearing [Dr. Peters]_{74-dr. peters} tell [us]_{2010-the kids} that [he]_{74-dr. peters} ’s happy with [her]_238-ava progress , because [I]_0-i definitely would n’t say [I]_0-i ’m happy . With the progress [we]_{2010-the kids} ’ve had in terms of [our]_{2010-the kids} relationship , yes , [I]_0-i ’m delighted . But in terms of [her]_238-ava memory , [I]_0-i ’m disappointed . [I]_0-i might sound ungrateful . [I]_0-i probably am . Like [[my]_0-i mother]_{424-elizabeth} said to [me]_0-i earlier this morning , [I]_0-i should be thankful that [I]_0-i still have [her]_{424-elizabeth} at all . The thought alone makes [my]_0-i blood run cold each time it enters [my]_0-i head . As [we]_{2010-the kids} wander down [the corridor]_{195-the corridor} toward [the maternity unit]_{2813-the maternity unit} to see [Kate]_194-kate before heading to [[Dr. Peters]_{74-dr. peters} ’s office]_{2838-dr. peters ’s office} , [I]_0-i can feel [Ava]_238-ava ’s nerves spiking . [I]_0-i wonder if [she]_238-ava can feel [mine]_0-i . [I]_0-i sway between asking [her]_238-ava if [she]_238-ava ’s all right or not saying anything at all . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m fine , ” [she]_238-ava says , peeking up at [me]_0-i . “_[0-i] At least some things are coming back to [me]_0-i . Would n’t [you]_1431-you be more concerned if [I]_0-i had nothing ? An empty head ? ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i just wish [you]_1431-you would remem — ” [I]_{2010-the kids} stop [myself]_{2010-the kids} in the nick of time , mentally thumping [myself]_{2010-the kids} . Why would [I]_{2010-the kids} even dream of saying that ? [I]_{2010-the kids} ’m walking one second , and standing still the next , [Ava]_238-ava having pulled [me]_{2010-the kids} to a stop . Turning into [me]_{2010-the kids} , [she]_238-ava finishes for [me]_{2010-the kids} . “_{[2010-the kids]} [The kids]_{2010-the kids} ? ” Damn , [she]_238-ava ’s good . But after [Kate]_194-kate ’s labor Saturday night , it ’s not surprising [her]_238-ava mind is on [[her]_194-kate own children]_{2010-the kids} . [Ava]_238-ava had relayed every pain [[her]_238-ava friend]_{52-her friend} should expect . Like a pro . And [I]_{2010-the kids} think the notion comforted [her]_238-ava . Made [her]_238-ava feel even more maternal . Stepping into [me]_{2010-the kids} , [she]_238-ava lifts on [her]_238-ava tippy - toes and kisses [my]_{2010-the kids} stubbled cheek , and [I]_{2010-the kids} push [my]_{2010-the kids} face into it , throwing [my]_{2010-the kids} arms around [her]_238-ava and squeezing [her]_238-ava to [me]_{2010-the kids} . “_{[2010-the kids]} [I]_0-i ca n’t wait to see [the kids]_{2010-the kids} , ” [she]_238-ava mumbles into [my]_{2010-the kids} shoulder , probably struggling for breath . “_{[2010-the kids]} [We]_1434-we need to get on with things , and [we]_1434-we ca n’t do that while [we]_1434-we ’re incomplete . ” [She]_238-ava ’s putting [me]_1434-we to shame , but one thing [I]_1434-we know is that the time away from [the twins]_{2012-the twins} , the most painful time in [my]_1434-we life for more than that reason , was n’t entirely wasted . [I]_1434-we made [[my]_1434-we wife]_26-maddie fall in love with [me]_1434-we again . Mission accomplished . “_[1434-we] [I]_0-i love [you]_0-i . ” [I]_0-i refuse to let [her]_26-maddie go , [people]_2279-people having to sidestep [us]_1435-my in the middle of [the corridor]_{195-the corridor} to get past . [I]_0-i do n’t care . Wherever , whenever . Always . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i know , ” [she]_26-maddie answers , fussing over [me]_0-i with kisses like [I]_0-i need to be fussed . “_[0-i] Come on . [We]_1435-my have [a baby]_{2508-the baby} to meet . ” At that moment , the doors to [the maternity unit]_{2813-the maternity unit} open , and [Sam]_50-sam appears with a bundle of blankets in [his]_50-sam arms . And beneath the piles of soft cotton , [[his]_50-sam baby girl]_{2508-the baby} . [Christ]_26-maddie , [my]_1435-my eyes begin to well , [my]_1435-my throat clogging up on [me]_1435-my . [I]_1435-my cough to clear it , and [Ava]_238-ava gives [me]_1435-my a knowing look . [I]_1435-my scowl out of principle before [[my]_1435-my wife]_26-maddie thinks [I]_1435-my ’ve transformed into a complete sappy twat . [Sam]_50-sam grins , so wide . “_[1435-my] [Guys]_1437-guys , meet [Betty]_{424-elizabeth} . ” “_[1437-guys] Oh [[my]_0-i God]_26-maddie . ” [Ava]_238-ava melts at [his]_50-sam feet , going totally goo - goo over [the baby]_{2508-the baby} . [I]_1437-guys ’m alarmed , stepping forward to take a peek . Yeah , [she]_26-maddie ’s cute all right . [[My]_1437-guys wife]_26-maddie swoons all over [Sam]_50-sam ’s arms , cooing and oohing , clucking and smiling . “_[1437-guys] Do n’t get any ideas . ” It ’s out before [I]_0-i can stop it , and [she]_26-maddie looks up at [me]_0-i , [her]_26-maddie fingers playing with [Betty]_{424-elizabeth} ’s little hand . [Sam]_50-sam ’s quick to fall apart , and [Ava]_238-ava ’s quick to put [me]_0-i straight . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m happy with [the two]_{1439-the two} , thanks . ” [I]_0-i know [I]_0-i visibly sag before [her]_26-maddie , and [I]_0-i ca n’t help it . Imagining going through pregnancy hell again makes [me]_0-i sweat . The worry . The anxiety . The constant fear that something small , a twinge or something else , meant something was seriously wrong . And then the labor . “_[0-i] Good , ” [I]_586-man confirm , rolling [my]_586-man shoulders , making [Sam]_50-sam laugh harder . “_[586-man] [You]_586-man ’re too old , [man]_586-man . ” [Sam]_50-sam sticks the knife right in and twists it repeatedly . “_[586-man] Fuck [you]_586-man , ” [I]_586-man spit , moving on , keen to divert that conversation . “_[586-man] How are [you]_586-man , anyway ? ” [He]_50-sam looks knackered . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i thought [I]_0-i ’d seen every intimate part of [[my]_0-i girlfriend]_{1441-my girlfriend} . ” [He]_50-sam shudders . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i was so wrong . ” [I]_0-i laugh , looking toward the door when [Kate]_194-kate comes wobbling through . [She]_194-kate looks surprisingly fresh , considering . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i snuck out because it ’s not visiting time and [they]_1442-they wo n’t let [you]_586-man in . ” [She]_194-kate reaches [Ava]_238-ava , who is fast to take [her]_194-kate in a hug . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m so happy for [you]_586-man . ” “_[0-i] Do n’t be , ” [Kate]_194-kate gripes . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m walking like [John Wayne]_23-john for all the wrong reasons . ” [Her]_0-i joke , delivered flat and dry , sets all of [us]_2846-us off laughing . [Sam]_50-sam places [Betty]_{424-elizabeth} in [Kate]_194-kate ’s arms . “_[23-john] Yeah , how long until … [you]_586-man know … ” [He]_50-sam nods down at [Kate]_194-kate ’s hips . [Her]_194-kate look is pure filth . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i only have enough energy to stab [you]_586-man . ” [She]_194-kate drops a light kiss on [Betty]_{424-elizabeth} ’s head , all the while keeping daggers on [Sam]_50-sam , who ’s grinning like [a fool]_{742-a fool} . “_[0-i] It ’ll be a month at least , ” [I]_0-i tell [[my]_0-i clueless mate]_{1443-my clueless mate} , relishing [his]_{1443-my clueless mate} horrified look . [I]_0-i feel [his]_{1443-my clueless mate} pain . That month after [the twins]_{2012-the twins} were born was the longest fucking month of [my]_0-i life . Giving [him]_{1443-my clueless mate} a slap on the shoulder , [I]_0-i sigh , raising [my]_0-i hand and gesturing some wanking action . “_[0-i] Meet [[your]_586-man new best friend]_{1443-my clueless mate} . ” [He]_{1443-my clueless mate} groans , and slips [his]_{1443-my clueless mate} arm around [Kate]_194-kate ’s shoulders . “_{[1443-my clueless mate]} It ’s a good job [I]_0-i love [this crazy woman]_{1443-my clueless mate} . Let ’s get coffee before [I]_0-i fall asleep here and now . ” [We]_{2012-the twins} start to wander toward the small café at the end of [the corridor]_{195-the corridor} , [Kate]_194-kate wobbling along with the help of a very attentive [Sam]_50-sam , [me]_{1443-my clueless mate} and [Ava]_238-ava following . [I]_{1443-my clueless mate} look down at [her]_194-kate , finding [her]_194-kate thoughtful . [I]_{1443-my clueless mate} ’m speaking before [my]_{1443-my clueless mate} brain engages . “_{[1443-my clueless mate]} [You]_{1443-my clueless mate} know , if [you]_{1443-my clueless mate} wanted another … ” [I]_{1443-my clueless mate} have absolutely no fucking clue where that just came from . What the actual fuck ? Who put those words in [my]_{1443-my clueless mate} mouth ? [I]_{1443-my clueless mate} know who . That bastard thing called decency . Or is it guilt ? Desperation ? [I]_{1443-my clueless mate} do n’t know , but what [I]_{1443-my clueless mate} do know is that if [she]_{1443-my clueless mate} really really wanted to have [another baby]_{1412-a baby} , [I]_{1443-my clueless mate} ’d find a way to deal with it . If only just so [she]_{1443-my clueless mate} could be pregnant and remember it again , to go through birth and have that experience to remember . To be [a mother]_{2287-a mother} to [a baby]_{1412-a baby} and [a toddler]_{2852-a toddler} . To have the first tooth and the first day of school . Pain churns in [my]_{1443-my clueless mate} gut . It ’s only now it dawns on [me]_{1443-my clueless mate} just how much [she]_{1443-my clueless mate} ’s missing from [[our]_2853-our children]_{2030-our children} ’s lives , and while [I]_{1443-my clueless mate} would love nothing more than for [her]_{1443-my clueless mate} to have those memories back , [I]_{1443-my clueless mate} have to accept that [they]_{2030-our children} may not come . So maybe [I]_{1443-my clueless mate} could give [her]_{1443-my clueless mate} some in another way . Am [I]_{1443-my clueless mate} being gallant ? Or have [I]_{1443-my clueless mate} completely lost the plot ? [I]_{1443-my clueless mate} conclude , quite speedily , that it ’s the latter . What the hell am [I]_{1443-my clueless mate} thinking ? The sweat beads on [my]_{1443-my clueless mate} brow are instant . “_{[1443-my clueless mate]} Do n’t worry , ” [Ava]_238-ava chuckles , clearly noticing [my]_0-i suddenly awkward form . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i do n’t . ” “_[0-i] Thank fuck , ” [I]_0-i breathe , all kinds of relieved . [I]_0-i do n’t think [I]_0-i ’ve ever suggested anything so dumb . [I]_0-i ’m fifty , for fuck ’s sake . [I]_0-i ’m done making babies . Chapter 42 [We]_2855-we ’re back to silence as [we]_2855-we sit outside [[[Ava]_238-ava ’s doctor]_{519-ava ’s doctor} ’s office]_{2857-ava ’s doctor ’s office} , [my]_0-i foot nervously tapping the carpet until [Ava]_238-ava ’s forced to reach forward and place a firm hand on [my]_0-i knee to stop it . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m sorry . ” [I]_454-jesse sigh , taking [her]_238-ava hand and bringing it to [my]_454-jesse mouth , kissing the back . [My]_454-jesse knee starts going loopy again , adrenaline making it bounce . [I]_454-jesse ca n’t stop it . [Ava]_238-ava sighs , exasperated , jumping up and sitting on [my]_454-jesse lap , a last - ditch attempt to get [my]_454-jesse shakes under control . It ’s a ridiculous plan . [Her]_238-ava weight . [My]_454-jesse strength . [She]_238-ava starts jerking away on [my]_454-jesse lap like [she]_238-ava could be vibrating . “_[454-jesse] Fucking hell , [Jesse]_454-jesse . ” [My]_454-jesse trembles stop , just like that . “_[454-jesse] Will [you]_454-jesse watch [your]_454-jesse fucking mouth ? ” [Her]_238-ava swearing wo n’t help [me]_238-ava , and neither does [her]_238-ava insolence in the form of rolling eyes . “_[238-ava] [Ava Ward]_238-ava , ” [someone]_293-someone calls from behind [us]_2859-us before [I]_238-ava can unleash more displeasure on [her]_238-ava , and [I]_238-ava look to see [Dr. Peters]_{74-dr. peters} standing at [his]_{74-dr. peters} office door . [He]_{74-dr. peters} smiles , taking in the sight of [my]_238-ava lap full of [Ava]_238-ava . “_[238-ava] Please , come in . ” [We]_2859-us walk into [[his]_{74-dr. peters} office]_{2860-his office} and take a seat in front of [his]_{74-dr. peters} desk . [I]_238-ava flick [Ava]_238-ava a look , trying to read [her]_238-ava disposition once again . [She]_238-ava looks perfectly cool . Content , even . “_[238-ava] How are [you]_238-ava , [Ava]_238-ava ? ” [the doctor]_{2188-the doctor} asks , slipping [his]_{2188-the doctor} glasses on and scanning [her]_238-ava medical file on [his]_{2188-the doctor} desk . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m good , ” [she]_238-ava replies quickly , reaching for [my]_0-i hand and squeezing . “_[0-i] And the headaches ? ” [He]_{2188-the doctor} looks up over [his]_{2188-the doctor} glasses and smiles a little , noting [our]_2862-our held hands . “_[1444-they] [They]_1444-they ’ve subsided . ” [He]_{2188-the doctor} starts jotting down notes . “_[1444-they] What about physical movements ? [Your]_238-ava coordination , for example ? ” All [I]_238-ava see in [my]_238-ava mind ’s eye is [Ava]_238-ava ’s hand finding [my]_238-ava cock with perfectly steady hands . [Her]_238-ava coordination is just fine , though [I]_238-ava refrain from telling the doc that . “_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava still has a slight limp , ” [I]_238-ava say , knowing [Ava]_238-ava wo n’t . “_[238-ava] And [her]_238-ava head is still fragile around the wound . ” “_[238-ava] To be expected . ” [He]_{2188-the doctor} gets up and circles [his]_{2188-the doctor} desk , taking a small penlight and bending to shine it in [Ava]_238-ava ’s eyes . “_[238-ava] And [your]_238-ava sensory functions ? ” [I]_0-i raise [my]_0-i brows , and [Ava]_238-ava flicks a coy look [my]_0-i way . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i can feel , see , smell , hear , and taste . ” [I]_0-i smile back at [her]_238-ava , despite it being inappropriate . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’ll vouch for that . ” [I]_0-i flip [her]_238-ava a wink , letting [my]_0-i muscles relax for the first time since [I]_0-i walked into [this office]_{2662-this office} . “_[0-i] Good . ” [He]_{2188-the doctor} slips the light into [his]_{2188-the doctor} jacket pocket and checks the site of [her]_238-ava head injury , nodding happily , before checking [her]_238-ava leg , too . [He]_{2188-the doctor} returns to [his]_{2188-the doctor} chair . “_[0-i] Any breakthroughs in [your]_238-ava memories ? ” Resting back , [he]_{2188-the doctor} taps [his]_{2188-the doctor} pen on the palm of [his]_{2188-the doctor} spare hand . [She]_238-ava shrugs , glancing at [me]_0-i . “_[0-i] Small things here and there . ” “_[0-i] No matter how small or insignificant [they]_1445-they may seem , [they]_1445-they ’re all important . ” Another smile . “_[1445-they] [Your]_238-ava symptoms are classic to traumatic amnesia , [Ava]_238-ava . [I]_0-i ’m very hopeful that given time and patience , [your]_238-ava memories will return . The brain is an immensely complex organ , and the function of [our]_1446-our memories engages many different parts of it . In [your]_238-ava case , a blow to the head has damaged the structure of [your]_238-ava brain and the limbic system which controls [your]_238-ava emotions and memories . ” Patience . The stuff [I]_238-ava ’m not well furnished with . “_[238-ava] Obviously [we]_1446-our ’re focused on retrieving [your]_238-ava memories , [Ava]_238-ava , but may [I]_0-i ask how [you]_238-ava see [your]_238-ava future ? ” [I]_0-i feel [my]_0-i forehead furrow with a frown , and [I]_0-i look across to [Ava]_238-ava . [She]_238-ava ’s staring at [the doctor]_{2188-the doctor} , seeming just as confused by [his]_{2188-the doctor} question as [me]_0-i . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m sorry , [I]_0-i do n’t follow , ” [she]_238-ava tells [him]_{2188-the doctor} . Good . [Me]_0-i either . [I]_0-i redirect [my]_0-i attention across the desk to find [the doctor]_{2188-the doctor} smiling again . All these smiles are beginning to irritate [me]_0-i . What ’s there to be so pleased about ? “_[0-i] It ’s common for sufferers of amnesia to find it hard to imagine [their]_1447-their future when so much of [their]_1447-their past is missing . The past and [our]_1448-our futures are linked heavily in [our]_1448-our memories and [the people in [our]_1448-our lives]_{1449-the people in our lives} , so it ’s common for [patients]_446-patients to struggle with the prospect of [their]_446-patients future . ” “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava is not struggling with the prospect of [her]_238-ava future , ” [I]_238-ava pipe up , unable to stop [myself]_238-ava . What is [he]_{2188-the doctor} suggesting ? For the first time , [the doctor]_{2188-the doctor} looks wary of [me]_238-ava . Good . [He]_{2188-the doctor} should be . “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava ? ” [he]_{2188-the doctor} says , keeping [his]_{2188-the doctor} eyes on [me]_238-ava . “_[238-ava] [I]_0-i do n’t see [my]_0-i future , ” [she]_0-i says quietly , and [I]_238-ava throw a look [her]_0-i way , deeply injured , and very worried . What ? “_[238-ava] [I]_0-i feel it more than see it , ” [she]_0-i finishes . “_[0-i] With [Jesse]_454-jesse and [the twins]_{2012-the twins} . It ’s hard to explain . ” [She]_0-i shakes [her]_0-i head , frustrated . “_[0-i] At first [I]_0-i was frightened and confused . [I]_0-i did n’t know [him]_454-jesse . ” [I]_0-i shrink into the chair , [my]_0-i hand coming up to [my]_0-i forehead and rubbing gently . “_[0-i] But it did n’t take long for [me]_0-i to realize that [I]_0-i do know [him]_454-jesse . Every sense [I]_0-i have recognizes [him]_454-jesse , even if [my]_0-i stupid brain does n’t . And as for [[my]_0-i children]_{2217-the children} , [I]_0-i feel like [I]_0-i have a huge piece of [me]_0-i missing right now , and it is n’t the memories . It ’s them . [Their]_{2217-the children} presence . ” [I]_0-i close [my]_0-i eyes and swallow , feeling [the doctor]_{2188-the doctor} looking at [me]_0-i , judging [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i swear to [God]_373-god , if [he]_454-jesse passes comment on [my]_0-i way of dealing with this , [I]_0-i ’ll launch [his]_454-jesse arse across [the hospital]_{384-the hospital} . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i understand , ” [Dr. Peters]_{74-dr. peters} replies quietly , going back to [his]_{74-dr. peters} pad . “_[0-i] When are [the children]_{2217-the children} [home]_201-home ? ” [I]_{2217-the children} clear [my]_{2217-the children} throat and pull [myself]_{2217-the children} together , pushing back [my]_{2217-the children} anger . “_{[2217-the children]} [They]_{2217-the children} ’re on [their]_{2217-the children} way now . ” “_{[2217-the children]} That ’s good . The sooner [Ava]_238-ava gets back to real life the better . Routine is key . ” Going to [his]_{74-dr. peters} computer , [he]_{74-dr. peters} starts tapping away on the keyboard . “_[238-ava] Try to weave some relaxed time into that routine . There are a few ways [we]_1454-we could move forward . [I]_0-i would recommend [an occupational therapist who can work with [you]_1456-you to acquire new information to replace some of [your]_1456-you lost memories]_{1455-an occupational therapist who can work with you to acquire new information to replace some of your lost memories} . [A personal digital assistant]_{1457-a personal assistant} may be helpful , too , in helping [you]_1456-you with day - to - day life . ” “_{[1457-a personal assistant]} [A personal assistant]_{1457-a personal assistant} ? ” [I]_{1457-a personal assistant} ask , trying [my]_{1457-a personal assistant} damn hardest not to sound affronted . [I]_{1457-a personal assistant} know [I]_{1457-a personal assistant} fail when [Ava]_238-ava squeezes [my]_{1457-a personal assistant} hand , [her]_{1457-a personal assistant} way of pleading with [me]_{1457-a personal assistant} to keep [my]_{1457-a personal assistant} cool . [I]_{1457-a personal assistant} ’m struggling . “_{[1457-a personal assistant]} [She]_{1457-a personal assistant} does n’t need [a personal assistant]_{1457-a personal assistant} . [She]_{1457-a personal assistant} has [me]_0-i . ” “_{[57-mr. ward]} [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} , [you]_{57-mr. ward} ’re misunderstanding . [I]_0-i ’m talking about a device of some sort . A phone or iPad . There are some really helpful apps that would be great for [Ava]_238-ava . ” [The doctor]_{2188-the doctor} leaves [his]_{2188-the doctor} keyboard and hands [me]_238-ava a pile of pamphlets , which [I]_238-ava take slowly . “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava will want to gain some independence back , [I]_0-i ’m sure . ” [He]_{2188-the doctor} looks at [Ava]_238-ava , though [I]_{1457-a personal assistant} do n’t . All [she]_{1457-a personal assistant} needs is [me]_{1457-a personal assistant} . “_{[1457-a personal assistant]} [She]_{1457-a personal assistant} may forget things , small things that happened just a day before , or even an hour . It ’s common . ” [He]_{2188-the doctor} smiles reassuringly , though [I]_238-ava ’m far from reassured . There have been a few occasions when [she]_{1457-a personal assistant} ’s forgotten things . Small things . Things [I]_238-ava have told [her]_238-ava that have disappeared from [her]_238-ava mind , and [I]_238-ava ’ve had to tell [her]_238-ava again . “_[238-ava] With the help of a smartphone or similar , [Ava]_238-ava can set [herself]_{1457-a personal assistant} reminders for key commitments , make notes , et cetera to help [her]_238-ava with everyday tasks . [I]_0-i ’m sure [she]_238-ava does n’t want to rely on [you]_1458-you for everything , and it ’s important for [her]_238-ava to have a sense of self - awareness and worth . [She]_238-ava has to get back to [her]_238-ava life , whether the memories come or do not . ” [I]_238-ava ’m fucking staggered . “_[238-ava] Are [you]_1458-you suggesting [I]_0-i just leave [her]_238-ava to figure this all out on [her]_238-ava own ? ” [The man]_{2289-the man} ’s a twat . [Dr. Peters]_{74-dr. peters} smiles . [I]_{57-mr. ward} ’m close to wiping it from [his]_{74-dr. peters} face . “_{[57-mr. ward]} [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} , if there is one thing [I]_0-i know for sure , it ’s that [you]_{57-mr. ward} will never let [her]_238-ava figure it all out on [her]_238-ava own . But [you]_{57-mr. ward} must give [her]_238-ava space to breathe . ” With that , [he]_{57-mr. ward} stands , and it ’s all [I]_{57-mr. ward} can do not to jump across the desk and take [him]_{57-mr. ward} out . Is [he]_{57-mr. ward} having a dig ? “_{[57-mr. ward]} [I]_0-i ’d like to see [you]_{57-mr. ward} again in a few weeks , [Ava]_238-ava . Have a look at the literature [I]_0-i ’ve given [[your]_{57-mr. ward} husband]_{341-your husband} . There are support groups available to [you]_{57-mr. ward} , [[people]_2279-people [you]_1462-you can talk with who are in [the same boat]_{1463-the same boat}]_{1461-people you can talk with who are in the same boat} . [We]_1464-we ’ll discuss at [your]_{57-mr. ward} next appointment once [you]_{57-mr. ward} ’ve had a chance to read the information . ” [Support group]_{2869-support group} ? Meet new people who understand ? [I]_{57-mr. ward} ’m hating this more and more each minute . [She]_238-ava does n’t need [new people]_{2870-new people} , [she]_238-ava has [me]_{57-mr. ward} . [I]_{57-mr. ward} ’m [her]_238-ava support . [Ava]_238-ava ’s up before [I]_{57-mr. ward} am , encouraging [me]_{57-mr. ward} to stand . “_{[57-mr. ward]} Thank [you]_{57-mr. ward} . ” “_{[57-mr. ward]} Very welcome . ” [I]_238-ava do n’t thank [him]_{57-mr. ward} but rather wander out silently , [my]_238-ava head ringing . Space to breathe ? That ’s never been [my]_238-ava strong point , and it ’s something [Ava]_238-ava has gotten used to . [I]_238-ava ’m set in [my]_238-ava ways , and changing that has proven tricky since the moment [she]_238-ava came around . [I]_238-ava ’ve struggled , but held out hope that it was temporary . That [we]_2871-us would return to [our]_2871-us normal eventually . The prospect of having to adapt and permanently change [my]_238-ava ways is daunting . And [I]_238-ava honestly question whether [I]_238-ava ’m capable . Where does that leave [us]_2871-us ? Chapter 43 The journey [home]_201-home is silent . Uncomfortable . [I]_238-ava draw breath a thousand times to ask [Ava]_238-ava what ’s whirling around in [her]_238-ava mind , but each time [I]_238-ava think better of it . Maybe because [I]_238-ava ’m worried about what [she]_238-ava might say . Does [she]_238-ava want more space ? Does [she]_238-ava think [I]_238-ava ’m crowding [her]_238-ava too much ? Does [she]_238-ava hate [me]_238-ava for sending [the kids]_{2010-the kids} away so [I]_238-ava could focus on discovering [us]_2871-us again ? Question after question mounts until [my]_238-ava head is pounding . “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava — ” [I]_238-ava ’m interrupted by [her]_238-ava phone ringing , and [she]_238-ava answers rather than letting it ring off and giving [me]_238-ava [her]_238-ava attention . [My]_238-ava hands flex around the steering wheel , irritation heating [my]_238-ava bloodstream . “_[238-ava] Hi ! ” [She]_238-ava sounds happy all of a sudden . “_[238-ava] Yes , definitely . ” [She]_238-ava laughs , and [I]_238-ava frown , wondering who ’s on the line . [Kate]_194-kate ’s in [hospital]_{1334-hospital} . “_[238-ava] [I]_0-i ’ll see [you]_0-i [there]_2051-there . ” [She]_238-ava hangs up and looks at [me]_238-ava . “_[238-ava] What were [you]_0-i going to say ? ” [My]_238-ava mind is blank . “_[238-ava] Who was that ? ” “_[116-zara] Oh , [Zara]_116-zara . ” [She]_238-ava slips [her]_238-ava phone into [her]_238-ava bag . [Zara]_116-zara . [The friend from yoga]_26-maddie . [The woman]_26-maddie putting stupid ideas in [[my]_116-zara wife]_26-maddie ’s head about getting another job . “_[116-zara] [You]_0-i must meet [her]_0-i . [She]_0-i ’s fab . ” [I]_0-i bite [my]_0-i tongue before [we]_2876-we end up in an argument . It ’s probably best [I]_0-i never meet [Zara]_116-zara . [I]_0-i ca n’t guarantee [I]_0-i ’ll hold back from putting [her]_0-i straight on a few things . “_[0-i] Sure . ” When [we]_2876-we pull up [the driveway]_{542-the driveway} , [I]_0-i ’m about to unleash some of the questions mounting , but [Ava]_238-ava speaks first , stopping [me]_0-i in [my]_0-i tracks . “_[0-i] [Whose car]_{2161-the car} is that ? ” [she]_0-i asks , pointing forward , spurring [me]_{2010-the kids} to look . [Ava]_238-ava ’s parents ’ Land Rover is parked up , and the front door is wide open . “_{[2010-the kids]} [The kids]_{2010-the kids} are [home]_201-home . ” Excitement mixed with apprehension swirls in [my]_1469-i gut as [I]_1469-i roll to a stop . [I]_1469-i have no idea how this will play out . How will [Ava]_238-ava be ? How will [the kids]_{2010-the kids} be ? “_[1469-i] [You]_1469-i okay ? ” “_[1469-i] Yeah . ” [Her]_238-ava answer is quiet as [she]_238-ava gets out of [the car]_{2161-the car} , hovering by the door for a few moments after [she]_238-ava ’s shut it . [I]_1469-i remain in [my]_1469-i seat , bracing [myself]_1469-i for the reunion . [I]_1469-i must n’t get emotional . [I]_1469-i must n’t give [the kids]_{2010-the kids} any cause to worry . On a deep breath , [I]_1469-i exit [the car]_{2161-the car} and circle it to collect [Ava]_238-ava . [She]_238-ava smiles at [me]_1469-i when [I]_1469-i take [her]_238-ava hand . “_[1469-i] Ready ? ” [Her]_238-ava inhale is far deeper than [mine]_1469-i . “_[1469-i] Ready , ” [she]_238-ava confirms , letting [me]_1469-i lead [her]_238-ava up to the front door . Each step [she]_238-ava takes is measured , each breath audible . [She]_238-ava ’s doing exactly what [I]_1469-i ’m doing . Bracing [herself]_238-ava . [The hallway]_{228-the kitchen} is a mess of bags and shoes , [the house alive with the sound of [the twins]_{2012-the twins} from [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen}]_{228-the kitchen} . It ’s normal . Peeking down at [Ava]_238-ava as [we]_2880-we head toward the sounds , [I]_1469-i find [her]_238-ava smiling , a certain new lease of life in [her]_238-ava eyes . That life gives [me]_1469-i life , too , and [I]_1469-i squeeze [her]_238-ava hand , prompting [her]_238-ava to look up at [me]_1469-i . “_[1469-i] Just tell [me]_0-i if it gets too much , ” [I]_1469-i say . “_[1469-i] If [you]_26-maddie need some breathing space . ” “_[1469-i] From [you]_26-maddie or [the children]_{2217-the children} ? ” [she]_238-ava asks on a cheeky hitch of [her]_238-ava brows . [My]_144-sarcasm scowl is playful as [I]_144-sarcasm drop [her]_238-ava hand and wrap an arm around [her]_238-ava shoulder . “_{[144-sarcasm]} [Sarcasm]_144-sarcasm does n’t suit [you]_26-maddie , [lady]_26-maddie . ” “_{[144-sarcasm]} So [you]_26-maddie keep telling [me]_0-i . ” [We]_2881-we enter [the kitchen]_{2099-the island} to find [the kids sitting at [the island]_{2099-the island}]_{2883-the kids sitting at the island} while [[Ava]_238-ava ’s mum]_{2884-ava ’s mum} faffs around [the space]_{2885-the space} and [Joseph]_51-joseph follows , taking orders . [Maddie]_26-maddie is on [her]_26-maddie iPad . [Jacob]_60-jacob has [his]_60-jacob finger wedged in a jar of peanut butter . It ’s like [they]_2298-kids were never gone . [We]_1475-we both stand in the doorway for a few moments , silent and taking in the scene . Because it ’s chaos and it ’s normal and it ’s beautiful . “_[2298-kids] [Kids]_2298-kids are [home]_201-home , ” [I]_2298-kids quip , and [Ava]_238-ava chuckles a little , looking up at [me]_2298-kids with eyes full of love . “_[2298-kids] Thank [you]_1474-you for the time [we]_1475-we ’ve had together . ” Leaning up , [she]_238-ava pushes [her]_238-ava lips into [my]_2298-kids cheek . “_[2298-kids] It ’s truly been some of the best in [my]_0-i life . ” [I]_32-mum do n’t know whether the twinge in [my]_32-mum heart is hurt or happiness . [We]_1475-we ’ve had some amazing times in [our]_1475-we lives . And [she]_238-ava ca n’t remember any of [them]_2298-kids . “_[32-mum] [Mum]_32-mum ! [Dad]_32-mum ! ” [Maddie]_26-maddie ’s off the stool like a whippet , racing toward [us]_1475-we . [I]_32-mum watch as [she]_238-ava throws [her]_238-ava arms around [Ava]_238-ava ’s body and hugs [her]_238-ava fiercely , [Jacob]_60-jacob soon joining [her]_238-ava . “_[32-mum] Charming , ” [I]_32-mum grumble , giving [them]_2298-kids each a rub of [their]_2298-kids heads . “_[32-mum] [You]_32-mum missed [me]_0-i , too , right ? ” [Neither of [them]_2298-kids]_{479-neither of them} breaks free of [Ava]_238-ava , and [I]_32-mum do n’t hold it against [them]_2298-kids . Besides , [I]_32-mum ’m taking too much satisfaction and pleasure from watching the mother of [[my]_32-mum children]_{2196-my children} embracing [their]_{2196-my children} attack , [her]_238-ava eyes closed , [her]_238-ava arms around [their]_{2196-my children} backs , [her]_238-ava face buried in the tops of [their]_{2196-my children} heads . [She]_238-ava ’s smelling them , breathing them in . [I]_32-mum do n’t think [I]_32-mum ’ve ever seen anything so wonderful . Glimpsing up at [me]_32-mum , [Ava]_238-ava smiles faintly , and [I]_32-mum see a bit of apprehension in [her]_238-ava dark brown eyes . [I]_32-mum wink at [her]_238-ava , [my]_32-mum own silent way of telling [her]_238-ava [she]_238-ava ’s doing great . Releasing [her]_238-ava hold of [Maddie]_26-maddie , [Ava]_238-ava motions for [me]_32-mum to go to [her]_238-ava , and as soon as [I]_32-mum ’m in touching distance , [she]_238-ava pulls [me]_32-mum in and [I]_32-mum surround [them]_2888-them all with [my]_32-mum arms . [[My]_32-mum wife]_238-ava and [[my]_32-mum children]_{2196-my children} . [My]_32-mum world , all bundled safely in [my]_32-mum arms . [I]_32-mum have to swallow repeatedly to keep [myself]_32-mum together . [The twins]_{2012-the twins} , usually allergic to any kind of affection from [me]_32-mum unless [they]_{2012-the twins} want something , stay put , uncomplaining , until [Ava]_238-ava and [I]_32-mum are ready to release [them]_{2012-the twins} . It ’s a job and a half , but [I]_32-mum finally find the will to pull out , letting [them]_{2012-the twins} all breathe again . Though [my]_32-mum breath is still short , [my]_32-mum heart still thumping . Overwhelmed . [I]_32-mum ’m so fucking overwhelmed . [[Ava]_238-ava ’s mother]_32-mum and [father]_2892-father move in only once [I]_32-mum ’ve broken up [our]_2893-our cluster of bodies , and [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} nods at [me]_32-mum as [she]_32-mum takes [Ava]_238-ava in a hug . “_[32-mum] How are [you]_32-mum , [darling]_32-mum ? ” “_{[2188-the doctor]} [The doctor]_{2188-the doctor} ’s very happy with [my]_0-i progress , ” [she]_32-mum replies , because that is all there is to say . “_{[2188-the doctor]} [I]_0-i ’m just glad [the kids]_{2010-the kids} are back and [we]_1479-we can try to get on with things . ” [Joseph]_51-joseph moves in and shakes [my]_{2188-the doctor} hand as [the kids]_{2010-the kids} stand close by , [their]_{2010-the kids} faces eager for some information . What to tell [them]_{2010-the kids} has [my]_{2188-the doctor} mind twisting . “_{[2188-the doctor]} Good to see [you]_32-mum , [Jesse]_454-jesse , ” [Joseph]_51-joseph says , following up [his]_51-joseph handshake with a firm slap to [my]_454-jesse shoulder . “_[454-jesse] How were [the kids]_{2010-the kids} ? ” “_{[2010-the kids]} Terrible , ” [he]_51-joseph mutters , though [his]_51-joseph tone is joking . “_{[2010-the kids]} Disobedient , no manners , and constantly moaning . ” “_[51-joseph] Oh , [Joseph]_51-joseph , ” [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} laughs , giving [my]_51-joseph arm a little rub as [she]_32-mum passes [me]_51-joseph . “_[51-joseph] [I]_0-i noticed [you]_51-joseph had nothing in the cupboards so [I]_0-i popped to [the supermarket]_{1480-the supermarket} . ” [She]_32-mum starts emptying bags , stocking up the fridge . “_[0-i] Milk , bread . ” “_[0-i] Thanks , [Mum]_32-mum . ” [I]_32-mum point [Ava]_238-ava to a stool . “_[32-mum] Sit . ” [She]_32-mum settles at [the island]_{2099-the island} while [I]_32-mum help [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} unload the groceries , and [I]_32-mum listen as [Ava]_238-ava walks [the kids]_{2010-the kids} through everything [the doctor]_{2188-the doctor} just told [us]_1481-we . [She]_32-mum smiles the whole time , telling [them]_{2010-the kids} [she]_32-mum ’s happy and [they]_{2010-the kids} should be , too . “_[32-mum] And now [I]_0-i have [you]_0-i two back , [we]_1481-we can do exactly that , ” [she]_32-mum chirps . “_[32-mum] Get back to normal . ” “_[32-mum] What about [your]_0-i memories ? ” [Jacob]_60-jacob asks , reclaiming [his]_60-jacob peanut butter . “_[1481-we] Will [they]_1481-we ever come back ? ” “_{[2188-the doctor]} [The doctor]_{2188-the doctor} is very positive , ” [Ava]_238-ava replies , looking up at [me]_{2188-the doctor} . “_{[2188-the doctor]} And if [they]_1481-we do n’t , then [we]_1481-we make new ones . ” [I]_{2188-the doctor} smile , despite [myself]_{2188-the doctor} , feeling [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} ’s hand on [my]_{2188-the doctor} arm . [I]_{2188-the doctor} look at [[my]_{2188-the doctor} mother]_{424-elizabeth} - in - law and see encouragement reflecting back at [me]_{2188-the doctor} . “_{[2188-the doctor]} Thank [you]_0-i for having [them]_1481-we , ” [I]_{2188-the doctor} say sincerely . To which [she]_{424-elizabeth} smacks [my]_{2188-the doctor} arm before taking the empty carrier bag from [my]_{2188-the doctor} hand . “_{[2188-the doctor]} Shut up , ” [she]_{424-elizabeth} orders , stuffing it in the bin . [I]_1256-dad roll [my]_1256-dad eyes , wandering over to [[my]_1256-dad wife]_{424-elizabeth} and [kids]_2298-kids and getting in on the excited conversation . [I]_1256-dad put [myself]_1256-dad behind [Ava]_238-ava and curl [my]_1256-dad arms around [her]_238-ava waist , resting [my]_1256-dad chin on [her]_238-ava shoulder . [Her]_238-ava hands land on [mine]_1256-dad , and [she]_238-ava cranes [her]_238-ava neck to get [me]_1256-dad in [her]_238-ava sights . “_[1256-dad] Oh , [Dad]_1256-dad , please , ” [Maddie]_26-maddie sighs , losing all interest in the conversation and going back to [her]_238-ava iPad . Whereas [Jacob]_60-jacob looks completely and utterly thrilled by [my]_1256-dad public display of affection . Of course [he]_60-jacob is . It ’s normal for [Dad]_1256-dad to be all over [Mum]_32-mum . [He]_60-jacob grins around [his]_60-jacob peanut - butter - covered finger , [his]_60-jacob attention set firmly on [us]_2898-us . [Ava]_238-ava sighs , leaning back into [me]_1256-dad a little . “_[1256-dad] It feels right already , ” [she]_238-ava says , looking a little sad , like [she]_238-ava now appreciates how much [she]_238-ava ’s missed [them]_2899-them . “_[1256-dad] Because it is right . ” [I]_1256-dad kiss [her]_238-ava hair before breaking away . “_[1256-dad] Now , what am [I]_0-i doing for dinner ? ” [I]_26-maddie get three different menu choices thrown at [me]_26-maddie all at once . And [I]_26-maddie smile . Because this is [us]_2898-us . Chapter 44 It takes [me]_26-maddie one second flat to figure out what ’s not right when [my]_26-maddie brain wakes the next morning . [Ava]_238-ava ’s not in bed with [me]_26-maddie . Then another second to break into a panic . Where is [she]_238-ava ? And another second to get [myself]_26-maddie out of bed and out of [the bedroom]_{228-the kitchen} . [I]_26-maddie sprint around [the landing]_{679-the landing} and down [the stairs]_{244-the stairs} like a loon , skidding into [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} . [I]_26-maddie find [Maddie]_26-maddie at [the island]_{2099-the island} eating [her]_26-maddie breakfast . “_[26-maddie] Oh [[my]_0-i God]_26-maddie ! ” [Her]_26-maddie horrified screech pierces [my]_26-maddie ears , [her]_26-maddie spoon halfway to [her]_26-maddie mouth . [Her]_26-maddie eyes are wide for the brief moment [I]_26-maddie see them before [she]_26-maddie swings back around on [her]_26-maddie stool , away from [me]_26-maddie . “_[26-maddie] Seriously , [Dad]_1256-dad ! ” For a moment , [I]_26-maddie ’m confused . Then [I]_26-maddie register the reason for [her]_26-maddie alarm . On a cringe , [I]_26-maddie look down [my]_26-maddie front . [My]_26-maddie naked front . Shit ! “_[26-maddie] Where ’s [[your]_1256-dad mum]_{513-your mum} ? ” [I]_454-jesse ask , taking [my]_454-jesse hands to [my]_454-jesse groin and cupping [myself]_454-jesse . [I]_454-jesse die a little on the inside , though [I]_454-jesse do n’t beat a hasty retreat . [I]_454-jesse ’m too worried . [Her]_26-maddie arm shoots out toward [the utility room]_{2904-the utility room} , just as [Ava]_238-ava appears with a basket of washing in [her]_26-maddie hands . [I]_454-jesse get the same reaction from [[my]_454-jesse wife]_26-maddie as [I]_454-jesse do [[my]_454-jesse daughter]_26-maddie . The basket full of washing hits the ground , followed by a shriek . “_[454-jesse] [Jesse]_454-jesse , what the hell ? ” [Ava]_238-ava snatches a tea towel off the counter and rushes over , making quick work of covering [me]_454-jesse up . “_[454-jesse] [You]_454-jesse were n’t in bed , ” [I]_0-i snap , letting loose an unhappy scowl . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i was worried . ” Dark chocolate strands of hair frame [her]_238-ava face as [she]_238-ava gives [me]_0-i a tired look . “_[0-i] [The kids]_{2010-the kids} are back at [school]_2011-school today . [I]_0-i needed a head start . ” “_[0-i] [You]_454-jesse should have woken [me]_0-i up . [I]_0-i just had twenty heart attacks between [here]_2274-here and [the bedroom]_{302-the bedroom} , [Ava]_238-ava . ” “_[238-ava] [You]_454-jesse were tired . ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m not tired , ” [I]_0-i retort , while [she]_238-ava continues to arrange the small square of cloth over [my]_0-i nether regions . “_[0-i] Never leave [our]_1489-our bed without telling [me]_0-i . [You]_454-jesse ’ll kill [me]_0-i off . ” “_[454-jesse] Stop being so dramatic . ” While [she]_238-ava ’s down there determinedly trying to conceal [my]_454-jesse dignity , [her]_238-ava hand brushes the underside of [my]_454-jesse cock , waking the frisky fucker up . [I]_454-jesse inhale sharply , as does [Ava]_238-ava , watching as the material moves with the help of [my]_454-jesse growing erection . Biting [her]_238-ava lip furiously , [she]_238-ava shakes [her]_238-ava head . And here [we]_1489-our are , back to that blessed thing called self - control . “_[454-jesse] For fuck ’s sake , ” [I]_454-jesse mumble under [my]_454-jesse breath . “_[454-jesse] Are there any shorts in that basket ? ” [Snapping]_145-snapping to life , [Ava]_238-ava darts across to where [she]_238-ava abandoned the washing and rifles through . “_{[1490-baby girl]} Here ! ” [She]_238-ava pulls out a black pair and chucks them across to [me]_0-i . Making sure [Maddie]_26-maddie remains facing away from [me]_0-i , [I]_0-i replace the pathetic towel with the shorts . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m decent , [baby girl]_{1490-baby girl} , ” [I]_{1490-baby girl} tell [her]_{1490-baby girl} . “_{[1490-baby girl]} [You]_{1490-baby girl} ’re sooooo embarrassing . ” [I]_{1490-baby girl} plonk [myself]_{1490-baby girl} on the stool next to [her]_{1490-baby girl} and chuck the tea towel at [Ava]_238-ava . It hits [her]_{1490-baby girl} in the chest and falls to the floor , [her]_{1490-baby girl} hands not even coming up to try to catch it . Because [she]_{1490-baby girl} ’s too busy indulging in [my]_{1490-baby girl} chest . [I]_{1490-baby girl} pout and look down [my]_{1490-baby girl} fine front , peeking up at [her]_{1490-baby girl} through [my]_{1490-baby girl} lashes . “_{[1490-baby girl]} Breakfast ? ” [I]_{1490-baby girl} ask , [my]_{1490-baby girl} question bringing [her]_{1490-baby girl} eyes to [mine]_{1490-baby girl} . [They]_2905-they roll as [she]_{1490-baby girl} picks up the basket , before warily flicking to [[our]_2906-our daughter]_238-ava . “_{[1490-baby girl]} Behave , ” [she]_{1490-baby girl} mouths , disappearing back into [the utility room]_{2904-the utility room} . [I]_{1490-baby girl} laugh under [my]_{1490-baby girl} breath . Behave ? Never . “_{[1490-baby girl]} How long have [you]_1491-you been up ? ” [I]_1491-you call , searching [the island]_{2099-the island} for a pot of coffee . No coffee . “_[1491-you] Six thirty , ” [Ava]_238-ava replies as [I]_26-maddie make [my]_26-maddie way to the coffee machine and fire it up , not allowing the fact that it ’s not prepared already bother [me]_26-maddie . “_[26-maddie] But [Maddie]_26-maddie was down here before [me]_0-i . ” [She]_238-ava was ? [I]_26-maddie look back at [[my]_26-maddie daughter]_238-ava on a raised brow , and [she]_238-ava shrugs around [her]_238-ava mouthful of cereal . [She]_238-ava usually needs a rocket up [her]_238-ava arse to get [her]_238-ava out of bed . “_[26-maddie] Thought [I]_0-i could get [my]_0-i own breakfast this morning . ” [I]_32-mum smile fondly , flipping [her]_238-ava a wink . “_[32-mum] [Good girl]_32-mum . ” [She]_32-mum ’s trying to help , anything to lessen the pressure on [Ava]_238-ava ’s shoulders . [I]_238-ava ’m about to switch on the coffeemaker when [I]_238-ava hear cursing from [the utility room]_{2904-the utility room} . [I]_238-ava sigh and look up at the ceiling . [Lord]_238-ava , give [me]_238-ava strength . “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava , ” [I]_238-ava warn . [My]_238-ava day is n’t getting off to the best start . Heart attacks . Swearing . “_[238-ava] Shit , it ca n’t be that hard , ” [I]_238-ava hear [her]_238-ava grumble as [I]_238-ava head [her]_238-ava way , finding [her]_238-ava staring at the washing machine . “_[238-ava] [I]_0-i wo n’t tell [you]_32-mum again , watch [your]_32-mum damn mouth , ” [I]_238-ava hiss , resting [my]_238-ava shoulder on the door as [she]_238-ava stares at the buttons embellishing the front , completely ignoring [me]_238-ava . “_[238-ava] What ’s up ? ” [She]_238-ava sighs . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i do n’t know how to use the washing machine . ” [She]_238-ava proceeds to smack buttons on the front and twist knobs randomly , getting increasingly annoyed . “_[0-i] How hard can it be ? ” [I]_0-i join [her]_238-ava by the machine and take [her]_238-ava hand gently before [she]_238-ava breaks the damn thing . “_[0-i] Take it easy , ” [I]_0-i say , all soothingly . “_[0-i] [We]_1493-i ’ll figure it out together . ” [I]_1493-i bend and scan the millions of buttons on the front , [Ava]_238-ava joining [me]_1493-i . [Jesus]_26-maddie , what do [they]_1493-i all do ? What ’s all this rinse and spin business ? [I]_1493-i bite the corner of [my]_1493-i lip , wondering where the manual might be . “_[1493-i] [You]_{1494-you cheeky bastard} do n’t know how to use it , do [you]_{1494-you cheeky bastard} ? ” [she]_238-ava says , a little teasingly . [I]_{1494-you cheeky bastard} honestly do n’t . “_{[1494-you cheeky bastard]} Not a fucking clue , ” [I]_{1494-you cheeky bastard} admit unashamedly , slowly casting [my]_{1494-you cheeky bastard} eyes to [hers]_238-ava . “_{[1494-you cheeky bastard]} The washing has always been [your]_{1494-you cheeky bastard} area of expertise . ” “_{[1494-you cheeky bastard]} [[You]_{1494-you cheeky bastard} cheeky bastard]_{1494-you cheeky bastard} ! ” [she]_238-ava gasps , outraged , smacking [my]_{1494-you cheeky bastard} arm . “_{[1494-you cheeky bastard]} Mouth ! ” “_{[1494-you cheeky bastard]} Shut up . And what ’s [your]_{1494-you cheeky bastard} area of expertise ? ” [My]_{1494-you cheeky bastard} irritation dissipates , and [I]_{1494-you cheeky bastard} laugh , seizing [her]_238-ava and mauling [her]_238-ava neck for a few precious moments , sneakily flexing [my]_{1494-you cheeky bastard} hips into [hers]_238-ava . “_{[1494-you cheeky bastard]} What do [you]_{1494-you cheeky bastard} think [my]_0-i area of expertise is ? ” [She]_238-ava chuckles and tries to swat [me]_{1494-you cheeky bastard} away , with little success . [I]_{1494-you cheeky bastard} have a firm hold , and [I]_{1494-you cheeky bastard} ’m not letting go . “_{[1494-you cheeky bastard]} So [you]_{1494-you cheeky bastard} ’re good for one thing and one thing alone ? ” Picking [her]_238-ava up , [I]_{1494-you cheeky bastard} sit [her]_238-ava on the counter and take [her]_238-ava hips . [Her]_238-ava smile is dreamy . Gorgeous . And [her]_238-ava eyes bright , considering the time of day . “_{[1494-you cheeky bastard]} [I]_0-i ’m [an expert]_{1495-an expert} at most things [I]_0-i do . ” [I]_{1494-you cheeky bastard} ’m not boasting . [I]_{1494-you cheeky bastard} am . [I]_{1494-you cheeky bastard} tug [her]_238-ava forward until [her]_238-ava crotch hits [mine]_{1494-you cheeky bastard} , reawakening [my]_{1494-you cheeky bastard} dick . [I]_{1494-you cheeky bastard} look down and sigh . “_{[1494-you cheeky bastard]} Oh dear . ” “_{[1494-you cheeky bastard]} Oh dear , ” [she]_238-ava counters , pulling [my]_{1494-you cheeky bastard} face up and covering [my]_{1494-you cheeky bastard} mouth with [hers]_238-ava , encasing [my]_{1494-you cheeky bastard} naked shoulders in [her]_238-ava arms . Good fucking morning . And welcome [home]_201-home . “_{[1494-you cheeky bastard]} [I]_0-i need to get [the kids]_{2010-the kids} ready for [school]_2011-school , ” [she]_238-ava murmurs , nipping the end of [my]_{2010-the kids} tongue . Right on cue , [we]_1499-i hear the sleepy call of [Jacob]_60-jacob from [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} . “_{[2010-the kids]} [They]_{2010-the kids} ’re snogging in [the utility room]_{2904-the utility room} , ” [Maddie]_26-maddie informs [him]_60-jacob tiredly . “_{[2010-the kids]} Looks like [we]_1499-i ’re back to normal . ” Back to normal . Not quite . But knowing [the kids]_{2010-the kids} get reassurance from seeing [me]_1499-i and [Ava]_238-ava up to [our]_1499-i old tricks does something sweet to [me]_1499-i . Is it that simple for [them]_{2010-the kids} ? Just to have [[their]_{2010-the kids} mum]_{2201-their mum} and [dad]_{2200-their dad} here together , loving each other , being [their]_{2010-the kids} normal selves , even if [we]_1499-i ’re not ? [I]_1499-i was starting to feel guilty about sending [them]_{2010-the kids} away . Now , [I]_1499-i ’m more sure than ever that [I]_1499-i did the right thing by [them]_{2010-the kids} . Those first few days after [I]_1499-i brought [Ava]_238-ava [home]_201-home were hell . The emotions , the screaming , the distress . [I]_1499-i would n’t want [them]_{2010-the kids} to see [[their]_{2010-the kids} mum]_{2201-their mum} so lost and [[their]_{2010-the kids} dad]_{2200-their dad} so hopeless . That time with [us]_1499-i alone was precious . It was needed . For [Ava]_238-ava to discover who [I]_1499-i am and what [I]_1499-i stand for , and for [her]_238-ava to accept it . And [she]_238-ava does . Thankfully , [she]_238-ava does . [I]_1499-i ’m pulled from [my]_1499-i thoughts by a gentle tap on [my]_1499-i shoulder and [I]_1499-i breathe in , looking into the eyes that have ruled [me]_1499-i from day one . [I]_1499-i spend a few moments rearranging [her]_238-ava dark waves over [her]_238-ava shoulders before picking [her]_238-ava up off the counter and setting [her]_238-ava on [her]_238-ava feet . “_[1499-i] [You]_1500-i are relieved of duty . ” [I]_1500-i swat [her]_238-ava arse and send [her]_238-ava on [her]_238-ava way , [her]_238-ava coy look over [her]_238-ava shoulder doing nothing to help the situation behind [my]_1500-i shorts . [I]_1500-i flash [her]_238-ava a warning look , but [she]_238-ava just grins in the way [she]_238-ava does . As soon as [she]_238-ava ’s gone , [I]_1500-i give the washing machine a good whack , and nod , satisfied , when [I]_1500-i hear water rushing into the drum . “_[1500-i] Morning , [Mum]_32-mum , ” [I]_32-mum hear [Jacob]_60-jacob chime when [Ava]_238-ava enters [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} , [me]_32-mum following behind . [He]_60-jacob ’s scanning the boxes of cereal on [the island]_{2099-the island} , [all six of [them]_{2918-all six of them}]_{2918-all six of them} . [Ava]_238-ava must have got every type [we]_2919-we have from [the pantry]_{228-the kitchen} , covering all angles , [I]_32-mum guess . “_[32-mum] Where ’s [[my]_0-i favorite]_{1501-my favorite} ? ” [he]_60-jacob asks . All angles , except [[Jacob]_60-jacob ’s favorite]_{1501-my favorite} . [Ava]_238-ava ’s face falls , along with [my]_32-mum heart , and [Maddie]_26-maddie gives [[her]_26-maddie brother]_{240-my boy} a quick kick in the shin . “_[32-mum] Stupid , ” [she]_26-maddie snipes . [I]_32-mum die a little on the inside when [Ava]_238-ava looks across at [me]_32-mum , [her]_26-maddie eyes watering . “_[32-mum] It ’s nothing . ” [I]_32-mum shoot to the cupboard and snatch down [Jacob]_60-jacob ’s [Pop - Tarts]_{146-pop - tarts} , quickly shoving two in the toaster . “_[32-mum] See ? Done . ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m sorry , [Mum]_32-mum . ” [[My]_238-ava boy]_{240-my boy} ’s face is so remorseful , and [I]_238-ava ’m torn between comforting [him]_{240-my boy} or going to [Ava]_238-ava . [My]_238-ava decision is made for [me]_238-ava when [Ava]_238-ava hastily escapes [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} . [My]_238-ava shoulders drop , and [I]_238-ava look to [the kids]_{2010-the kids} as [they]_{2010-the kids} watch [[their]_{2010-the kids} mum]_32-mum rush away , [her]_238-ava hands wiping at [her]_238-ava face . Fucking hell . After a quick , reassuring rub of [their]_{2010-the kids} heads , [I]_238-ava go after [Ava]_238-ava , finding [her]_238-ava in [the downstairs bathroom]_{2923-the downstairs bathroom} snatching tissue from the roll . “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava , [baby]_238-ava . ” [I]_238-ava step in and close the door behind [me]_238-ava . “_[238-ava] It ’s no big deal . ” [My]_0-i heart cracks clean in two when [she]_238-ava turns to face [me]_0-i , [her]_238-ava bottom lip quivering , tears rolling down [her]_238-ava cheeks . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i do n’t even know what [[my]_0-i son]_{1502-my son} ’s favorite breakfast is . ” [Her]_238-ava voice cracks and [her]_238-ava chin drops . “_{[2287-a mother]} What kind of [mother]_{2287-a mother} am [I]_0-i ? ” That right there sends [me]_{2287-a mother} into the realms of crazy mad before [I]_{2287-a mother} can stop it , [my]_{2287-a mother} hand reaching forward and snatching away the tissue that ’s on its way to [her]_238-ava face . “_{[2287-a mother]} [You]_1504-you stop that now , ” [I]_1504-you order , more harshly than [I]_1504-you meant . [Her]_238-ava wide eyes watch [me]_1504-you warily , the tears still streaming down [her]_238-ava cheeks . Crowding [her]_238-ava , [I]_1504-you grab [her]_238-ava face and push [my]_1504-you forehead to [hers]_238-ava , drilling into [her]_238-ava with pissed - off eyes . “_[1504-you] Never , ever , doubt [your]_1504-you abilities as [a mother]_{2287-a mother} , do [you]_1504-you hear [me]_0-i ? ” [She]_238-ava nods . “_[0-i] Good . ” [I]_0-i push [my]_0-i lips to [hers]_238-ava and kiss [her]_238-ava hard . “_[0-i] Now wipe those eyes and get [your]_1504-you arse back in [that kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} . ” “_[0-i] Okay . ” [She]_238-ava does n’t argue or protest , sniffing back [her]_238-ava emotion and pulling [herself]_238-ava together . “_[0-i] Can [I]_0-i have the tissue back ? ” “_[0-i] No . ” [I]_0-i take [my]_0-i thumbs and drag them across [her]_238-ava cheeks , clearing up the evidence of [her]_238-ava tears . “_[0-i] Off [you]_1504-you go . ” Turning [her]_238-ava by [her]_238-ava shoulders , [I]_0-i walk [her]_238-ava back to [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} , only releasing [her]_238-ava after [I]_0-i ’ve squeezed a little reassurance into [her]_238-ava with a flex of [my]_0-i hands . [She]_238-ava nods in understanding and goes to the cupboard to get a plate for [Jacob]_60-jacob , taking [his]_60-jacob Pop - Tarts from the toaster and sliding [them]_2924-them across [the island]_{2099-the island} to [him]_60-jacob . “_[0-i] Thanks , [Mum]_32-mum . ” [He]_60-jacob bites [his]_60-jacob lip , flicking [his]_60-jacob eyes to [me]_32-mum nervously . “_[32-mum] What ? ” [Ava]_238-ava asks , looking to [me]_32-mum , too . “_[32-mum] Nothing . ” [I]_32-mum scoot over to the fridge and grab the peanut butter , handing it to [Jacob]_60-jacob , who proceeds to smother it over [his]_60-jacob Pop - Tarts . “_[32-mum] Oh . ” [Ava]_238-ava ’s shoulders sag as [she]_238-ava watches , a grimace growing across [her]_238-ava face . “_[32-mum] Of course [he]_1506-he smothers [his]_1506-he breakfast in peanut butter . ” “_[1506-he] [You]_32-mum ’re disgusting , ” [Maddie]_26-maddie snorts as [she]_238-ava leaves [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m going to get showered . ” “_[0-i] And [I]_0-i ’m going to make lunchboxes . ” [Ava]_238-ava swirls around and scans the cupboards . “_[0-i] Top left , ” [I]_0-i remind [her]_238-ava , going about finishing the coffee [I]_0-i started . When [I]_0-i ’m done , [I]_0-i take a seat next to [[my]_0-i boy]_60-jacob and open [my]_0-i mouth for [him]_60-jacob to share , smiling as [he]_60-jacob pushes the last bit of [his]_60-jacob breakfast into [my]_0-i mouth . “_[0-i] Go get a shower , ” [I]_0-i tell [him]_60-jacob , and [he]_60-jacob ’s off quickly , leaving [me]_0-i and [Ava]_238-ava alone in [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} . [I]_0-i look across to [[my]_0-i wife]_238-ava , thoughtful as [I]_0-i devour the jar of peanut butter . [I]_0-i ’ve been so transfixed on all the major things [she]_238-ava needs to learn that the simple things , such as [the kids]_{2010-the kids} ’ favorite breakfast , never crossed [my]_0-i mind as something to get upset about . So trivial . Yet so eye - opening . One minute [I]_0-i ’m high on hope , feeling the love and feelings pouring out of [[my]_0-i wife]_238-ava , the next [I]_0-i ’m being brought back down to [earth]_471-earth by something stupid like [Pop - Tarts]_{146-pop - tarts} . But , as [I]_0-i keep reminding [myself]_0-i , this is a marathon . Not a sprint . [I]_0-i take a sip of [my]_0-i coffee as [I]_0-i watch [Ava]_238-ava standing before the open fridge . [She]_238-ava ’s still . Staring ahead . [I]_0-i frown and set [my]_0-i mug down , watching [her]_238-ava shoulders begin to jump up and down discreetly . Concerned , [I]_0-i get up and go to [her]_238-ava , turning [her]_238-ava around until [I]_0-i have [her]_238-ava face . Tears are gushing from [her]_238-ava eyes , streaking down [her]_238-ava cheeks , and splashing [her]_238-ava T - shirt . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i do n’t know what [they]_1507-they like in [their]_1507-they lunchboxes , either , ” [she]_238-ava sobs , each word a helpless croak . “_[1507-they] Hey . ” [I]_26-maddie lower [my]_26-maddie face to [hers]_238-ava , nuzzling , coating [my]_26-maddie cheeks in [her]_238-ava tears , too . [We]_2930-we ’re in this together , stress , love , despair … and tears . Even if [I]_26-maddie ’m not crying [them]_1507-they , [they]_1507-they ’re [mine]_26-maddie , too . [I]_26-maddie do n’t get the chance to pick [her]_238-ava up ; [she]_238-ava grabs [me]_26-maddie first , throwing [her]_238-ava arms around [my]_26-maddie neck and practically crawling up [my]_26-maddie front . What can [I]_26-maddie do ? There ’s no easy fix . It ’s just a matter of time and that fucking thing called patience . [I]_26-maddie carry [her]_238-ava to a stool and get [her]_238-ava comfortable on [my]_26-maddie lap , [her]_238-ava legs straddling [me]_26-maddie , [her]_238-ava face hiding in [my]_26-maddie chest , [her]_238-ava tears soaking into [my]_26-maddie skin . With [my]_26-maddie face in [her]_238-ava hair , [I]_26-maddie sigh , cuddling [her]_238-ava close . Just giving [her]_238-ava the time [she]_238-ava needs to get this out of [her]_238-ava system . It ’s just another part of this excruciating process . One more bump in [this rocky road]_{2931-this rocky road} . How many more bumps , knock - backs , and cries are to come is daunting . But [I]_26-maddie need to be strong . [The man [she]_26-maddie married]_{2932-the man she married} . “_[26-maddie] [Maddie]_26-maddie loves [Marmite]_147-marmite in [her]_26-maddie sandwiches , ” [I]_60-jacob say into [her]_26-maddie hair . “_[60-jacob] And [Jacob]_60-jacob likes — ” “_[60-jacob] Peanut butter , ” [she]_26-maddie sniffles , dragging [her]_26-maddie heavy head up until [she]_26-maddie has [my]_0-i eyes . [I]_0-i smile , taking [her]_26-maddie hands and holding them between [our]_2933-our chests . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m with [you]_1508-you all the way , [baby]_26-maddie . Highs and lows , good and bad , [I]_0-i ’m here by [your]_1508-you side . To help [you]_1508-you , to wipe [your]_1508-you tears , to love [you]_1508-you . [I]_0-i love [you]_1508-you so fucking much , [lady]_26-maddie . ” [I]_26-maddie kiss [her]_26-maddie cheek , hovering there for a few seconds , inhaling [her]_26-maddie into [me]_26-maddie . “_[26-maddie] Never give up , do [you]_1508-you hear [me]_0-i ? [We]_1510-we have too much to fight for . ” [Her]_26-maddie little sob is one full of emotion and relief . “_[1510-we] Falling in love with [you]_1508-you again was easy , ” [she]_26-maddie murmurs , so quietly . “_[1510-we] This , though . [The children]_{2217-the children} . [I]_0-i love [them]_{2217-the children} . [I]_0-i did n’t need to fall , [I]_0-i just looked at [them]_{2217-the children} and knew . But part of being [a good mother]_{1512-a good mother} is n’t just loving [them]_{2217-the children} unconditionally . It ’s knowing [them]_{2217-the children} inside out . What [they]_{2217-the children} like , what [they]_{2217-the children} hate . ” [Her]_26-maddie eyes close , [her]_26-maddie reality too much to bear , and [I]_{2217-the children} clasp the back of [her]_26-maddie head gently and tug [her]_26-maddie into [my]_{2217-the children} embrace . “_{[2217-the children]} [I]_0-i feel more lost now than ever . Just the look on [their]_{2217-the children} faces when [I]_0-i get something wrong . ” “_{[2217-the children]} Stop it , ” [I]_{2217-the children} order . “_{[2217-the children]} Right this minute . ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i just hate disappointing [them]_{2217-the children} . ” “_[0-i] [You]_0-i do n’t disappoint [them]_{2217-the children} by forgetting what shit [they]_{2217-the children} like in [their]_{2217-the children} sandwich or what [they]_{2217-the children} have for breakfast . The only way [you]_0-i could disappoint [them]_{2217-the children} is by not loving [them]_{2217-the children} . By giving up . Am [I]_0-i going to have to take [you]_0-i [upstairs]_589-upstairs and give [you]_0-i a Reminder Fuck ? ” [I]_0-i ’m deadly serious , too , so [she]_0-i better not question [my]_0-i threat . “_[0-i] A reminder ? ” Looking up at [me]_0-i , [she]_0-i sniffles through a little laugh . “_[0-i] Yes , a reminder . ” [I]_454-jesse stand and [she]_0-i slides down [my]_454-jesse front to [her]_0-i feet . Slowly . [Her]_0-i palms on [my]_454-jesse bare chest . [Her]_0-i gaze there , too . Lust - filled . [I]_454-jesse smile on the inside , because no matter how shit the timing is , [I]_454-jesse ’ve distracted [her]_0-i from [her]_0-i downheartedness , and for that [I]_454-jesse will never apologize . Distracting [her]_0-i has always been [my]_454-jesse area of expertise . [I]_454-jesse ’m so thankful that ’s not lost . Placing [my]_454-jesse hand between [her]_0-i thighs , [I]_454-jesse cup [her]_0-i , forcing [her]_0-i to breathe in deep . “_[454-jesse] [Jesse]_454-jesse . ” [Her]_0-i voice cracks with the fiery passion displayed in [her]_0-i brown eyes , though [she]_0-i makes no attempt to escape [me]_454-jesse . [I]_454-jesse drag [my]_454-jesse hand up to [her]_0-i hip on a smile and clamp lightly down on [her]_0-i tickle spot . That breath [she]_0-i was holding spills free , though [she]_0-i does n’t move a muscle . “_[454-jesse] Tell [me]_0-i [you]_194-kate ’ll never question [your]_194-kate capabilities as [a mother]_{2287-a mother} again , ” [I]_194-kate command , flexing [my]_194-kate hand just a fraction to give [her]_0-i a hint of the torture [she]_0-i ’s about to endure should [she]_0-i deny [me]_194-kate . “_[194-kate] Go on , [baby]_194-kate . ” “_[194-kate] [I]_0-i ’ll never question it again . ” The words pour from [her]_0-i mouth fast , hardly audible . [I]_194-kate pinch down and [she]_0-i bucks on a sharp squeal . “_[194-kate] What was that ? ” [My]_194-kate smiling face gets close to [her]_0-i scowling face . “_[194-kate] Say it again . Slowly so [I]_0-i can hear [you]_194-kate . ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’ll . Never . Doubt . [Myself]_0-i . Again . ” The second [she]_0-i ’s spelled out [my]_0-i demand , [she]_0-i sucks in more air and holds it , waiting , bracing [herself]_0-i . [I]_0-i hold [her]_0-i on the cusp of anticipation for a few moments , before shifting [my]_0-i hand to [her]_0-i thighs again and going in for the kill , slamming [my]_0-i mouth to [hers]_0-i and walking [us]_2934-us to the nearest wall . This weapon , [my]_0-i ability to bring [her]_0-i back around , to distract [her]_0-i from some of [her]_0-i misery , is all [I]_0-i have , and [I]_0-i ’ll use it with no remorse or hesitation . The feel of [her]_0-i soft boobs squished against [my]_0-i hard chest , every curve [she]_0-i has melding into every sharp muscle on [me]_0-i , ramps up [my]_0-i need . Not great when [the kids]_{2010-the kids} are within screaming distance . Not great at all . It does n’t stop [me]_0-i attacking [her]_0-i lips with force , though , exploring [her]_0-i mouth as keenly as [she]_0-i ’s exploring [mine]_0-i , [her]_0-i fingernails ravaging [my]_0-i shoulders and back , [her]_0-i whimpers of pleasure sinking into [my]_0-i brain and making [my]_0-i head spin with want rather than frustration . “_[0-i] Later . ” [I]_0-i bite on [her]_0-i lip and tug back , until it pops free of [my]_0-i teeth . “_[0-i] [You]_26-maddie are at [my]_0-i mercy , [lady]_26-maddie . ” “_[26-maddie] Are n’t [I]_0-i always ? ” Firm fists grab [my]_0-i hair and yank , pulling [me]_0-i back onto [her]_0-i mouth . “_[0-i] And do n’t [you]_26-maddie forget it . ” [We]_2936-we ’re all clashing lips and teeth , rushed and clumsy . [She]_0-i thrusts [her]_0-i hips forward , catching [my]_1256-dad tented shorts . “_[1256-dad] [Dad]_1256-dad ! ” [Maddie]_26-maddie ’s shrill shriek lands in [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} with a bang and bats down [my]_1256-dad throbbing cock . Just like that . “_[1256-dad] [Dad]_1256-dad ! ” [I]_1256-dad fold , unimpressed , though [Ava]_238-ava laughs , taking the edge off [my]_1256-dad annoyance . Having [her]_238-ava to [myself]_1256-dad , albeit traumatic at times , was a rare treat . Being able to indulge [her]_238-ava when [I]_1256-dad wanted was a blessing , especially given the circumstances . That connection was key . Not having to worry about being caught by [the kids]_{2010-the kids} was a weight off [my]_1256-dad mind . A light wave of guilt passes over [me]_1256-dad for being so selfish . Growling , [I]_1256-dad yank [myself]_1256-dad away from [Ava]_238-ava and push [her]_238-ava hair off [her]_238-ava sticky cheek . “_[1256-dad] No more tears , ” [I]_1256-dad order , heading to the [kitchen]_2939-kitchen door . “_[1256-dad] What ’s up ? ” [I]_0-i call to [Maddie]_26-maddie . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ca n’t find [my]_0-i school uniform . ” “_[0-i] [Me]_0-i either , ” [Jacob]_60-jacob chimes in , appearing at the top of the stairs in [his]_60-jacob boxers . [I]_0-i would n’t have a fucking clue where to start looking for school uniforms . And [I]_0-i just know [Ava]_238-ava wo n’t now , either . When [she]_238-ava joins [me]_0-i at the bottom of [the stairs]_{244-the stairs} , [I]_0-i half expect [her]_238-ava to break down once more , and so do [the twins]_{2012-the twins} , judging by [their]_{2012-the twins} wary expressions . But instead , [she]_238-ava breathes in and starts making [her]_238-ava way up to [them]_{2012-the twins} . “_[0-i] If [we]_1517-we ca n’t find them , [you]_1518-you ’ll just have to go naked . ” “_[0-i] Urghhhhh , gross ! ” [Maddie]_26-maddie laughs , watching as [Ava]_238-ava passes , [her]_238-ava eyes sparkling in happiness . “_[0-i] Would n’t bother [me]_0-i . ” [Jacob]_60-jacob shrugs and looks down at [me]_1519-my , like What ’s the problem ? “_[1519-my] [He]_1519-my clearly gets [his]_1519-my confidence from [you]_1518-you , ” [Ava]_238-ava calls , sending [me]_1519-my a pointed look . And [I]_1519-my grin , so fucking proud of [[my]_1519-my wife]_{2010-the kids} . And of [[my]_1519-my kids]_{2010-the kids} . Of [all of [them]_{2010-the kids}]_{2010-the kids} . [We]_1517-we ’re [a team]_{2943-a team} . [We]_1517-we can get through anything . Chapter 45 [Ava]_238-ava [I]_1519-my wake this morning like [I]_1519-my ’ve woken every other morning for the past six weeks since [the kids]_{2010-the kids} got [home]_201-home : with [Jesse]_454-jesse pressed into [my]_1519-my back , [his]_454-jesse lips kissing down [my]_1519-my spine slowly and lazily . It ’s blissful , mind - blanking . And , as always , [I]_1519-my melt under the warmth of [his]_454-jesse mouth rousing [me]_1519-my from [my]_1519-my dreams . [I]_1519-my close [my]_1519-my eyes again and let [him]_454-jesse take [me]_1519-my to paradise , let [my]_1519-my body soften , and let [my]_1519-my senses take over . The friction of [our]_1517-we skin rubbing together takes [me]_1519-my from warm to blazing . The feel of [his]_454-jesse morning arousal brushing [my]_1519-my thighs and arse takes [me]_1519-my from wanting to silently begging . The feel of [his]_454-jesse breath layering every part of [my]_1519-my skin it touches takes [me]_1519-my from hungry to starving . [I]_1519-my reach back , pushing [my]_1519-my fingers through [his]_454-jesse morning mess of hair , sighing [my]_1519-my contentment , bowing [my]_1519-my body into [his]_454-jesse . “_[1519-my] Morning , [lady]_26-maddie , ” [he]_454-jesse murmurs between nibbles of [my]_26-maddie shoulder , rolling [his]_454-jesse hips into [my]_26-maddie arse . “_[26-maddie] [You]_26-maddie ready for [me]_0-i ? ” “_[26-maddie] Always . ” It ’s the truth . [My]_26-maddie body responds to [him]_454-jesse instinctively . [My]_26-maddie need for [him]_454-jesse is unrelenting . One sharp thrust puts [him]_454-jesse inside [me]_26-maddie , deep and high , [my]_26-maddie fingers gripping [his]_454-jesse hair as [I]_26-maddie cry out , [his]_454-jesse teeth nipping [my]_26-maddie flesh as [he]_454-jesse grunts . [I]_26-maddie ’m floating . [I]_26-maddie feel like [I]_26-maddie ’m on cloud nine , just seconds after waking , and [I]_26-maddie know that ’s [Jesse]_454-jesse ’s intention each morning . To start [my]_26-maddie day being reminded of how wonderful [we]_2945-we are . It really is n’t necessary . [I]_26-maddie look at [this man]_454-jesse and sizzle inside . [I]_26-maddie listen to [him]_454-jesse , no matter what [he]_454-jesse ’s saying , and take huge comfort from the deep baritone of [his]_454-jesse rough voice . [I]_26-maddie feel [him]_454-jesse touch [me]_26-maddie and just know [we]_2945-we were always incomplete without each other . [We]_2945-we are one . [Our]_2945-we bodies move in perfect sync , flowing together softly and carefully , like [they]_2945-we ’re so familiar with each other . Because [they]_2945-we are . [I]_26-maddie could never question the sense of right when [we]_2945-we ’re intimate like this , even on [my]_26-maddie bad days , when frustration gets the better of [me]_26-maddie , when a whole day passes without so much as a speck of a memory to encourage [me]_26-maddie on . Those days have turned into weeks . It ’s been six weeks without anything , no memory , no flashbacks , leaving [me]_26-maddie with only the scraps of what [I]_26-maddie have , of what [I]_26-maddie built before [my]_26-maddie brain decided to grind to a halt where [my]_26-maddie past is concerned . Like a cork has been wedged in the hole , stopping the flow . It has n’t escaped [Jesse]_454-jesse ’s notice . [His]_454-jesse keen eyes are always watching [me]_26-maddie , [his]_454-jesse ears always listening . [I]_26-maddie ’ve given [him]_454-jesse nothing for weeks . [I]_26-maddie can see the disappointment on [his]_454-jesse face no matter how hard [he]_454-jesse tries to disguise it with love . [I]_26-maddie feel under pressure . The only relief [I]_26-maddie ’m getting is when [we]_2945-we ’re making love , when [he]_454-jesse manages to blank [my]_26-maddie mind completely , or when [I]_26-maddie go to yoga with [Zara]_116-zara . [She]_116-zara ’s still unaware of [my]_26-maddie accident and condition , and that ’s great , because [she]_116-zara ’s [my]_26-maddie other source of escape . [I]_26-maddie never feel like [I]_26-maddie ’m disappointing [her]_116-zara . [I]_26-maddie never feel like [she]_116-zara ’s looking at [me]_26-maddie as if [I]_26-maddie should know something . [[My]_26-maddie new friend]_{2143-uncle carmichael} is respite that [I]_26-maddie so need . [I]_26-maddie know [Jesse]_454-jesse and [I]_26-maddie are building new memories , wonderful memories , but every day [I]_26-maddie still stare at that huge wall of photographs in [the family room]_{558-the family room} and wonder where the hell it ’s all gone . “_[26-maddie] Stop it , ” [he]_{2143-uncle carmichael} whispers , pulling out sharply and flipping [me]_1521-me onto [my]_1521-me back . [My]_1521-me heavy gaze lifts to [his]_{2143-uncle carmichael} green eyes , eyes that scream a thousand emotions each time [I]_1521-me look into them , reflecting worry back at [me]_1521-me this morning . “_[1521-me] [We]_1521-me ’re still [us]_1521-me . [We]_1521-me still have [the children]_{2217-the children} . [I]_0-i still love [you]_{2217-the children} , and [you]_{2217-the children} still love [me]_0-i . That ’s all that matters . ” On a swivel of [his]_{2143-uncle carmichael} tight hips , [he]_{2143-uncle carmichael} enters [me]_1521-me again , falling to [his]_{2143-uncle carmichael} forearms . The weight of [him]_{2143-uncle carmichael} calms [me]_1521-me , reminding [me]_1521-me that [I]_1521-me may have lost many memories of [this man]_{2143-uncle carmichael} , but at least [I]_1521-me still have [him]_{2143-uncle carmichael} in the flesh . The unrelenting pain that strikes [me]_1521-me when [I]_1521-me think of being without [him]_{2143-uncle carmichael} is enough to tell [me]_1521-me that where [I]_1521-me am is where [I]_1521-me ’m supposed to be . Not that [I]_1521-me need a reminder . Not when every fiber of [my]_1521-me being is telling [me]_1521-me so . [I]_1521-me reach for [his]_{2143-uncle carmichael} back and run [my]_1521-me palms across the tight planes , feeling [him]_{2143-uncle carmichael} . “_[1521-me] That ’s all [I]_0-i need , ” [I]_0-i affirm , swallowing when [he]_{2143-uncle carmichael} withdraws slowly , purposely slowly , [his]_{2143-uncle carmichael} eyes on [mine]_1521-me as [he]_{2143-uncle carmichael} drives forward again , exact and smooth . “_[0-i] Nothing can break [us]_1523-us . ” [He]_{2143-uncle carmichael} sweeps in and takes [my]_{2289-the man} mouth gently , and [my]_{2289-the man} legs come up to [his]_{2143-uncle carmichael} waist to hold [him]_{2143-uncle carmichael} everywhere [I]_{2289-the man} can . “_{[2289-the man]} That ’s it , [baby]_{2289-the man} . Hold tight . ” The change in pace , from grinds to deep drives , has [me]_{2289-the man} struggling to maintain [our]_1523-us kiss , [my]_{2289-the man} tongue becoming erratic in its movements , almost frenzied . “_{[2289-the man]} [You]_{2289-the man} nearly there ? ” [He]_{2143-uncle carmichael} pulls back , not needing an answer , but wanting to see [my]_{2289-the man} face when [I]_{2289-the man} tip the edge . Wedging [his]_{2143-uncle carmichael} fists into the mattress , [he]_{2143-uncle carmichael} ups the ante , mixing plunges with swivels , flexing sharply and then slowly . [I]_{2289-the man} ’m lost in [him]_{2143-uncle carmichael} , amazed through [my]_{2289-the man} pleasure of the heights [he]_{2143-uncle carmichael} takes [me]_{2289-the man} to . To the places where [I]_{2289-the man} can forget . Where nothing exists except [him]_{2143-uncle carmichael} and [me]_{2289-the man} and the passion [we]_1523-us share . The sweat on [his]_{2143-uncle carmichael} brow sparkles in the dusky light , [his]_{2143-uncle carmichael} face beginning to strain as [my]_{2289-the man} release surges forward and detonates , instantly making [me]_{2289-the man} shake with the force , the tingling sensations too much , [my]_{2289-the man} flesh too sensitive . And [he]_{2143-uncle carmichael} knows , because [his]_{2143-uncle carmichael} movements stop and [he]_{2143-uncle carmichael} puts pressure where [I]_{2289-the man} need it , stemming the sensitivity , as [he]_{2143-uncle carmichael} comes hard , [his]_{2143-uncle carmichael} roar suppressed , [his]_{2143-uncle carmichael} face red with the pressure of blood rushing to [his]_{2143-uncle carmichael} head . [My]_{2289-the man} internal walls grab [him]_{2143-uncle carmichael} greedily and milk [him]_{2143-uncle carmichael} dry , the heat of [his]_{2143-uncle carmichael} essence pouring deeply into [me]_{2289-the man} . [Jesse]_454-jesse drops onto [me]_{2289-the man} in a heap of exhausted male , crowding [me]_{2289-the man} , still buried deep , where [he]_{2143-uncle carmichael} will be for the next ten minutes while [he]_{2143-uncle carmichael} snoozes on [me]_{2289-the man} , sporadically nuzzling and kissing [my]_{2289-the man} wet neck , whispering sweet nothings in [my]_{2289-the man} ear . And [I]_{2289-the man} hold [him]_{2143-uncle carmichael} and savor the moment [I]_{2289-the man} cherish each morning before [I]_{2289-the man} have to get up and face [my]_{2289-the man} day . [I]_{2289-the man} breathe into [his]_{2143-uncle carmichael} shoulder as [we]_2948-we settle , constricting [him]_{2143-uncle carmichael} , getting [him]_{2143-uncle carmichael} as close as [I]_{2289-the man} possibly can . In [my]_{2289-the man} own silent way , [I]_{2289-the man} ’m telling [him]_{2143-uncle carmichael} that [I]_{2289-the man} ’m happy to remain where [I]_{2289-the man} am . It ’s not like [I]_{2289-the man} have much else to do . Work is n’t on the cards for [me]_{2289-the man} just yet . [I]_{2289-the man} tried a few weeks ago , convinced [Jesse]_454-jesse to let [me]_{2289-the man} go back to [[my]_{2289-the man} office]_{634-my office} , and [he]_{2143-uncle carmichael} did , albeit reluctantly . It took just ten minutes for [me]_{2289-the man} to realize [I]_{2289-the man} was out of [my]_{2289-the man} depth — ten minutes of staring at the paperwork on [my]_{2289-the man} desk , ten minutes of [Jesse]_454-jesse watching [me]_{2289-the man} from the couch while [I]_{2289-the man} demanded [my]_{2289-the man} brain to tell [me]_{2289-the man} what to do , and ten failed attempts to enter [my]_{2289-the man} password on the computer , before [I]_{2289-the man} finally crumpled and gave in to the fact that [I]_{2289-the man} was of no use at the club . [I]_{2289-the man} did n’t like it , not one little bit , and it was n’t only because [I]_{2289-the man} felt so useless . [That woman who works for [us]_2951-us]_{2950-that woman who works for us} ca n’t keep [her]_{2950-that woman who works for us} eyes off [Jesse]_454-jesse , and [I]_{2289-the man} could see clearly that [my]_{2289-the man} presence was n’t welcome . [I]_{2289-the man} squeeze [my]_{2289-the man} eyes , trying to remember [her]_{2950-that woman who works for us} name . Small things , simple things that [I]_{2289-the man} ’m learning are slipping from [my]_{2289-the man} memory as fast as [they]_2952-they ’re put there . Like names . [Cherry]_26-maddie . [I]_{2289-the man} exhale , thanking [my]_{2289-the man} brain for giving [me]_{2289-the man} the information [I]_{2289-the man} ’m looking for . [I]_{2289-the man} only wish it would give [me]_{2289-the man} [my]_{2289-the man} memories , too . Am [I]_{2289-the man} any use at all ? [I]_{2289-the man} scold [myself]_{2289-the man} the moment [I]_{2289-the man} question [my]_{2289-the man} worth , because there ’s one valuable job [I]_{2289-the man} ’m doing . Being [a mum]_{2953-a mum} as best [I]_{2289-the man} can , though [I]_{2289-the man} sometimes question [my]_{2289-the man} ability there . Like when [Jacob]_60-jacob brought [home]_201-home some simple maths homework . Simple equations that [I]_{2289-the man} know how to solve from [my]_{2289-the man} school days , way before the cutoff in [my]_{2289-the man} memory . Yet [I]_{2289-the man} could n’t do them . [My]_{2289-the man} brain simply would n’t work . And like when [Maddie]_26-maddie and [I]_{2289-the man} went shopping for a dress for [Raya]_54-raya and [Drew]_53-drew ’s wedding . [I]_{2289-the man} picked out many outfits , and [each one]_{2955-each one} was rejected . [I]_{2289-the man} did n’t even know [[my]_{2289-the man} daughter]_238-ava ’s style . That day is one [I]_{2289-the man} ’d like to forget , made worse by the fact that when [we]_2957-we flagged [a taxi]_{2958-a taxi} to take [us]_2957-we [home]_201-home , [I]_{2289-the man} could n’t even remember [our]_2957-we damn address . It was gone , out of [my]_{2289-the man} head like [Jesse]_454-jesse had n’t repeated it to [me]_{2289-the man} a thousand times in recent weeks . Thankfully , [[my]_{2289-the man} daughter]_238-ava saved [me]_{2289-the man} . But [she]_238-ava could n’t save [me]_{2289-the man} from the wrath of [[her]_238-ava father]_{2507-her father} when [we]_2957-we rolled up in [a taxi]_{2958-a taxi} . [I]_{2289-the man} was supposed to call [him]_{2507-her father} to collect [us]_2957-we , but [I]_{2289-the man} had hoped that [I]_{2289-the man} could use the ride [home]_201-home to shed [my]_{2289-the man} melancholy mood . [I]_{2289-the man} did a good job , until [Jesse]_454-jesse went off the handle . And then [I]_{2289-the man} folded , crying , while [Maddie]_26-maddie showed [[her]_26-maddie father]_{2507-her father} [her]_26-maddie wrath . It ’s all so fraught . [We]_2957-we ’re all tinkering on the edge of complete meltdown , and [my]_{2289-the man} stupid fucking memory is the cause , [my]_{2289-the man} brain ’s refusal to give [me]_{2289-the man} what [I]_{2289-the man} need , what [we]_2957-we all need , to carry on with [our]_2957-we lives with any sense of normality . And then there are the moments like just now . Moments when [my]_{2289-the man} brain is wiped clean of the shit tarnishing it . Moments when [Jesse]_454-jesse helps [me]_{2289-the man} escape . And there are moments with [Maddie]_26-maddie and [Jacob]_60-jacob . Moments when [I]_{2289-the man} look at [those beautiful kids]_{2960-those beautiful kids} and try to come to terms with the fact that [they]_{2960-those beautiful kids} are [mine]_60-jacob . How lucky [I]_{2289-the man} am . How wonderful [they]_{2960-those beautiful kids} are , how [they]_{2960-those beautiful kids} can make [me]_{2289-the man} smile even on [my]_{2289-the man} darkest days . [Their]_{2960-those beautiful kids} little jokes about [[their]_{2960-those beautiful kids} father]_{2213-their father} , how [they]_{2960-those beautiful kids} relay the stories [they]_{2960-those beautiful kids} know of [our]_2962-our love affair . [I]_{2289-the man} could listen to [them]_{2960-those beautiful kids} for hours . “_{[2289-the man]} That ’s enough of the downheartedness today . ” [His]_{2289-the man} voice , muffled in [my]_{2289-the man} neck , is still stern . “_{[2289-the man]} It ’s [Raya]_54-raya ’s hen night tonight . ” [I]_54-raya ’m surprised [he]_{2289-the man} ’s reminded [me]_54-raya . [I]_54-raya just know [he]_{2289-the man} ’s battling [his]_{2289-the man} instinct to hold [me]_54-raya back . To not let [me]_54-raya go . And [I]_54-raya know [he]_{2289-the man} ’s read [Kate]_194-kate [her]_194-kate rights . [Silly man]_{2289-the man} . [That woman]_194-kate has n’t had a drink for nearly a year . [She]_194-kate ’ll be even more ravenous for some girlie time and alcohol than [I]_54-raya am . “_[54-raya] [You]_54-raya mean to say [you]_54-raya ’re releasing [me]_0-i for the night ? ” [I]_54-raya tease . [I]_54-raya should n’t poke [him]_{2289-the man} . [I]_54-raya ’m looking forward to this evening so much , just to spend some time with [Kate]_194-kate . If [he]_{2289-the man} withdraws [his]_{2289-the man} consent , there will be fireworks . Emerging from [his]_{2289-the man} hiding place , [he]_{2289-the man} cocks one eyebrow , [his]_{2289-the man} lips forming a straight , displeased line . “_[54-raya] Are [you]_54-raya testing [me]_0-i ? ” [I]_54-raya stiffen when [his]_{2289-the man} hand slides to [my]_54-raya hip . “_[54-raya] Never , ” [I]_54-raya say , quickly holding [my]_54-raya breath . [He]_{2289-the man} gets [me]_54-raya every time . [I]_54-raya do n’t have a hope of fighting [him]_{2289-the man} off , [his]_{2289-the man} powerful body laughing in the face of [my]_54-raya small frame . “_[54-raya] And [you]_54-raya will be sensible , wo n’t [you]_54-raya ? ” A tiny dig of [his]_{2289-the man} wicked fingers into [my]_54-raya flesh jolts [me]_54-raya , and [I]_54-raya nod frantically . “_[54-raya] And [you]_54-raya will stay in contact with [me]_0-i , wo n’t [you]_54-raya ? ” Another dig , and another jerk of [my]_54-raya body and head . “_[54-raya] And before [you]_54-raya leave , [you]_54-raya ’re going to let [me]_0-i pin [you]_54-raya down and come all over [your]_54-raya gorgeous boobs , are n’t [you]_54-raya ? ” [I]_54-raya ca n’t find it in [me]_54-raya to agree . Not that [he]_{2289-the man} desires [my]_54-raya agreement . [He]_{2289-the man} does what [he]_{2289-the man} damn well likes when [he]_{2289-the man} damn well likes . “_[54-raya] [You]_54-raya want to mark [me]_0-i ? ” “_[54-raya] Actually , [you]_54-raya like to mark [me]_0-i . ” [He]_{2289-the man} points down to [his]_{2289-the man} pec . “_[54-raya] [I]_0-i miss it . ” [I]_0-i ca n’t help [my]_0-i frown . “_[0-i] Miss what ? ” “_[0-i] The tidy little bruise on [my]_0-i chest that has kept [me]_0-i company for the past twelve years . [I]_0-i feel a little incomplete without it . ” The slight tilt of [his]_{2289-the man} head spells out [his]_{2289-the man} want . “_[194-kate] Suck , [baby]_194-kate . ” [He]_{2289-the man} rolls over and points to the area [he]_{2289-the man} wants [me]_194-kate . [I]_194-kate ’m bemused , but [I]_194-kate ’m getting kind of used to some of the bizarre shit [I]_194-kate ’m learning about [our]_2963-our marriage . And to be fair , [I]_194-kate wo n’t deny [myself]_194-kate a few more minutes of [us]_2963-our in bed together . So [I]_194-kate straddle [his]_{2289-the man} waist and latch onto [his]_{2289-the man} solid flesh , sucking [him]_{2289-the man} into [my]_194-kate mouth as [I]_194-kate look up through [my]_194-kate lashes to [his]_{2289-the man} satisfied face . [The man]_{2289-the man} is a nut . And so am [I]_194-kate , since [I]_194-kate ’m going along with all the madness [he]_{2289-the man} throws at [me]_194-kate . “_[194-kate] Happy ? ” [I]_194-kate ask , inspecting the perfect purple circle . “_[194-kate] Delirious . ” [He]_{2289-the man} gets up off the bed and tucks [me]_194-kate in . “_[194-kate] [I]_0-i ’ll sort [the kids]_{2010-the kids} for [school]_2011-school . ” [I]_194-kate watch [him]_{2289-the man} pull on some boxers before [he]_{2289-the man} leaves [the room]_{202-the room} , [my]_194-kate eyes nailed to [his]_{2289-the man} solid back until [he]_{2289-the man} disappears . [I]_194-kate relax and think forward to tonight . [I]_194-kate need a good drink . To numb [myself]_194-kate of feeling . And that ’s just what [I]_194-kate plan to do . Chapter 46 [I]_194-kate sit in [the kitchen]_589-upstairs trying not to think about [Ava]_238-ava [upstairs]_589-upstairs getting ready for [her]_238-ava night out . [Lots of women]_{2966-lots of women} together , backed up with lots of alcohol . And one of [them]_{2966-lots of women} gave birth six weeks ago , and according to [Sam]_50-sam is champing at the bit for a night of freedom since [she]_238-ava ’s finished six weeks of breastfeeding . [I]_194-kate forced [myself]_194-kate to agree . [I]_194-kate ’m regretting it now . Grabbing [my]_194-kate phone , [I]_194-kate dial [[Ava]_238-ava ’s mother]_32-mum . “_[194-kate] What ’s wrong ? ” [she]_32-mum answers in greeting . “_[194-kate] Nothing ’s wrong . ” [My]_194-kate face twists . “_[194-kate] What are [you]_1528-you up to tonight ? ” [I]_0-i ask , all casual , catching [the kids]_{2010-the kids} ’ eyes where [they]_{2010-the kids} ’re sitting at [the island]_{2099-the island} finishing off [their]_{2010-the kids} dinner . [They]_{2010-the kids} know [my]_0-i game . [I]_0-i raise [my]_0-i finger to [my]_0-i lips , a sign to keep [my]_0-i secret . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m out , ” [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} declares . “_[0-i] Bridge and cocktails . ” Fuck it . “_{[361-big man]} Okay , have a lovely time . ” [I]_{361-big man} hang up and beat the marble worktop with [my]_{361-big man} fingertips , thinking . “_{[361-big man]} Ah ! ” [I]_{361-big man} quickly dial [John]_23-john . “_{[361-big man]} Hey , [big man]_{361-big man} , ” [I]_{361-big man} chirp down the line . “_{[361-big man]} No . ” [His]_23-john gruff , flat reply has [me]_{361-big man} frowning . “_{[361-big man]} What ? ” “_{[361-big man]} It ’s [Raya]_54-raya ’s hen night . No , [I]_0-i wo n’t watch [the kids]_{2010-the kids} so [you]_1531-you can stalk [[your]_1531-you wife]_{364-your wife} . ” [I]_{1533-some friend} snarl . “_{[1533-some friend]} [Some friend]_{1533-some friend} [you]_{1533-some friend} are . ” “_{[1533-some friend]} Fuck [you]_{1533-some friend} . Have [you]_{1533-some friend} heard from [Sarah]_26-maddie ? ” [My]_26-maddie mood plummets further . “_[26-maddie] No , why ? Should [I]_0-i have ? ” “_[0-i] Just checking . [I]_0-i ’m hoping [she]_26-maddie ’s gon na fuck off soon , because , frankly , [I]_0-i ’m sick of looking at [her]_26-maddie miserable face . ” [I]_23-john flinch on [Sarah]_26-maddie ’s behalf . “_[23-john] Tell [her]_26-maddie to go , [John]_23-john . ” “_[23-john] [I]_0-i ca n’t do it . [I]_0-i ’ve fucking tried , but [[your]_23-john damn uncle [Carmichael]_{2143-uncle carmichael}]_{1534-your damn uncle carmichael} is in [my]_0-i ear like an annoying fucking gnat , telling [me]_0-i to do right by [her]_26-maddie or [he]_{2143-uncle carmichael} ’ll haunt [my]_0-i motherfucking arse . ” [I]_{2143-uncle carmichael} smile a little , but [I]_{2143-uncle carmichael} ’m mad , too . “_{[2143-uncle carmichael]} [You]_23-john owe [her]_26-maddie nothing . [Uncle Carmichael]_{2143-uncle carmichael} owes [her]_26-maddie nothing . ” “_{[2143-uncle carmichael]} Tell that to [a dead man]_1535-lauren , ” [he]_{2143-uncle carmichael} grunts , hanging up . [I]_{2143-uncle carmichael} fall into thought , going back to [my]_{2143-uncle carmichael} past briefly . Then [I]_{2143-uncle carmichael} catch [the kids]_{261-my kids} giving [me]_{2143-uncle carmichael} wary looks . “_{[2143-uncle carmichael]} What ? ” “_[1256-dad] Do n’t do it , [Dad]_1256-dad , ” [Maddie]_26-maddie singsongs . “_[1256-dad] [She]_26-maddie ’ll tear [your]_1256-dad head off and use it as a football . ” “_[26-maddie] [You]_1256-dad ’ll regret it , ” [Jacob]_60-jacob warns . Scowling at [[my]_1256-dad kids]_{261-my kids} , [I]_1256-dad march out of [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} and head [upstairs]_589-upstairs where [Ava]_238-ava ’s getting ready . So what am [I]_1256-dad supposed to do ? Sit [home]_201-home all night worrying to death ? [I]_1256-dad find [her]_238-ava in [her]_238-ava underwear standing in the mirror . [I]_1256-dad groan . What ’s [she]_238-ava trying to do to [me]_1256-dad ? “_[1256-dad] [You]_1256-dad look lovely , ” [I]_0-i grunt , slumping [my]_0-i arse on the bed . [She]_238-ava looks at [me]_0-i in the reflection , a smile playing at the corners of [her]_238-ava nude lips as [she]_238-ava tweaks [her]_238-ava hair into position . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m not dressed yet . ” [I]_0-i shrug , pouting like [a moody schoolboy]_{2974-a moody schoolboy} . “_[0-i] [You]_1256-dad still look lovely . ” “_[1256-dad] [You]_1256-dad come to mark [me]_0-i ? ” [I]_1256-dad look to the door , hearing [the kids in [the kitchen]_{256-downstairs} [downstairs]_{256-downstairs}]_{2975-the kids in the kitchen downstairs} . [My]_1256-dad scope for marking is limited . “_[1256-dad] What do [you]_1256-dad think of this ? ” [I]_1256-dad return [my]_1256-dad eyes to [Ava]_238-ava , finding [her]_238-ava holding up a little black dress . [I]_1256-dad just shake [my]_1256-dad head . Negative . “_[1256-dad] What about this ? ” A green thing appears , and once again [I]_1256-dad reject it . [She]_238-ava sighs , sweeping [her]_238-ava arm out to [the wardrobe]_{593-our bedroom} . “_[1256-dad] Choose a dress , any dress . ” Good . [She]_238-ava ’s getting the hang of this . It takes [me]_1256-dad five seconds flat to find something suitable — a high - necked , long - sleeved , full - length jersey dress . “_[1256-dad] Perfect , ” [I]_0-i declare . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m not wearing that . ” The dress is snatched from [my]_0-i hand and put back on the rail . [She]_238-ava quickly takes another down and goes back to [the bedroom]_{593-our bedroom} . “_[0-i] And stop sulking . ” “_[0-i] [You]_1256-dad ’re not wearing that , either , ” [I]_1256-dad call , trudging after [her]_238-ava . [She]_238-ava ’s pulling the stupid gold thing on by the time [I]_1256-dad make it to [the bedroom]_{593-our bedroom} , a salacious grin on [her]_238-ava face . “_[1256-dad] Why ’d [you]_1256-dad have to be so damn beautiful ? ” [[My]_0-i wife]_26-maddie is [a goddess]_26-maddie , and [I]_0-i know [every other man on [the planet]_{254-the planet}]_{2979-every other man on the planet} must think so , too . And in that little gold number , [she]_26-maddie ’s [a shimmering goddess]_26-maddie . [Her]_26-maddie cheekbones are also shimmering , and [her]_26-maddie eyes are smoked out , making them smolder madly . [They]_2981-they ’re “_[0-i] take [me]_0-i to bed ” eyes . “_{[1536-any man in the eye]} Do n’t look [any man in the eye]_{1536-any man in the eye} , ” [I]_{1536-any man in the eye} tell [her]_26-maddie , falling to the chair in the corner of [[our]_2982-our bedroom]_{593-our bedroom} . [I]_{1536-any man in the eye} ’m slumped . [Moody]_{105-moody bastard} . [I]_{1536-any man in the eye} ca n’t help it . [She]_26-maddie wanders over and slowly turns , looking over [her]_26-maddie shoulder at [me]_{1536-any man in the eye} . With [my]_{1536-any man in the eye} chin still low , [I]_{1536-any man in the eye} lift [my]_{1536-any man in the eye} gaze , dragging it over [her]_26-maddie exposed back until [I]_{1536-any man in the eye} reach [her]_26-maddie eyes . “_{[1536-any man in the eye]} Zip [me]_0-i up ? ” “_{[1536-any man in the eye]} No , ” [I]_{1536-any man in the eye} grunt , eliciting a cute twitch of [her]_26-maddie lips . “_{[1536-any man in the eye]} Please ? ” It ’s a purr , one that hits [my]_{1536-any man in the eye} dick and takes it from semi - erect to rock . “_{[1536-any man in the eye]} Why are [you]_1537-you doing this to [me]_0-i ? ” It ’s a serious question . Just look at [her]_26-maddie . This beauty , still in [her]_26-maddie prime , glowing before [me]_{1536-any man in the eye} like some otherworldly creature . [I]_{1536-any man in the eye} ’ve tried to reason with [myself]_{1536-any man in the eye} all day . Told [myself]_{1536-any man in the eye} [she]_26-maddie needs to let [her]_26-maddie hair down and have some time with [[her]_26-maddie girlfriends]_{2983-her girlfriends} . Yet that primal , possessive streak in [me]_{1536-any man in the eye} has only grown by the hour , and now [I]_{1536-any man in the eye} ’m in two minds whether [I]_{1536-any man in the eye} ’d get away with bolting [her]_26-maddie to the bed . [I]_{1536-any man in the eye} ponder that for a second , thoughtful , [my]_{1536-any man in the eye} head tilting as [I]_{1536-any man in the eye} weigh up the option . [I]_{1536-any man in the eye} ’d get away with it . There ’s nothing [she]_26-maddie could do to stop [me]_{1536-any man in the eye} . “_{[1536-any man in the eye]} Do n’t even think about it , [Ward]_238-ava . ” [Her]_26-maddie tone is warning . And ignored . [I]_238-ava love how [she]_26-maddie reads [my]_238-ava mind . “_[238-ava] And what will [you]_1538-you do about it ? ” “_[1538-you] Divorce . ” [She]_26-maddie points to [her]_26-maddie back again as [my]_1538-you jaw drops . “_[1538-you] Zip [me]_0-i up . ” “_[1538-you] No . ” “_[1538-you] Fine , [I]_0-i ’ll get [Kate]_194-kate to do it when [she]_194-kate gets [here]_2274-here . ” [She]_194-kate saunters off , all strut and arse . [I]_454-jesse ’m out of that chair like lightning , and [I]_454-jesse ’ve captured [her]_194-kate before [she]_194-kate makes it to the door . “_[454-jesse] [Jesse]_454-jesse ! ” [she]_194-kate squeals as [I]_454-jesse throw [her]_194-kate over [my]_454-jesse shoulder and backtrack to the bed . It ’s does n’t escape [my]_454-jesse notice that [her]_194-kate screech of [my]_454-jesse name was more laughed than angrily yelled . [She]_194-kate was prepared for [my]_454-jesse trample . Flipping [her]_194-kate on the bed , [I]_454-jesse pull off [my]_454-jesse T - shirt and capture [her]_194-kate wrists , pinning [her]_194-kate down , straddling [her]_194-kate stomach . [She]_194-kate blows some stray wisps of hair from [her]_194-kate face and blinks up at [me]_454-jesse . And [she]_194-kate smiles . [She]_194-kate knows what ’s coming . [I]_454-jesse get [her]_194-kate hands under [my]_454-jesse knees to secure them , and pull [my]_454-jesse cock from [my]_454-jesse shorts . “_[454-jesse] Tell [me]_0-i [you]_0-i love [me]_0-i , ” [I]_0-i demand , [my]_0-i voice already displaying the hunger in [me]_0-i . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i love [you]_0-i . ” [She]_194-kate complies in a heartbeat , and [I]_0-i smile . “_[0-i] Tell [me]_0-i [you]_0-i only have eyes for [me]_0-i . ” [I]_0-i pull a long stroke down [my]_0-i shaft , watching [her]_194-kate as [she]_194-kate watches [me]_0-i . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i only have eyes for [you]_0-i . ” [She]_194-kate licks [her]_194-kate lips , flipping [her]_194-kate gaze up . “_[0-i] Fuck , [you]_0-i look lethally sexy when [you]_0-i get [yourself]_0-i off . ” “_[0-i] Watch [your]_0-i mouth . ” [I]_1256-dad drop one hand to the mattress , slowly starting to pump [my]_1256-dad fist , electric energy sizzling all over [my]_1256-dad skin . And [I]_1256-dad dip , taking [her]_194-kate mouth greedily . It does n’t take [me]_1256-dad long to find [my]_1256-dad rhythm , [my]_1256-dad body stiff with pleasure . “_[1256-dad] [Dad]_1256-dad ! [Mum]_32-mum ! [Everyone]_283-everyone is here ! ” [Maddie]_26-maddie ’s yell hits [my]_283-everyone hearing like a foghorn , followed by the sound of [her]_26-maddie feet pounding [the stairs]_{244-the stairs} . No ! No , no , no ! “_{[283-everyone]} Fuck ! ” [I]_283-everyone drop [my]_283-everyone cock , hissing when it springs back and hits [my]_283-everyone lower stomach . “_{[283-everyone]} [You]_0-i have to be fucking kidding [me]_0-i . ” “_{[283-everyone]} Quick ! ” [Ava]_238-ava starts scrambling off the bed as [I]_{424-elizabeth} rearrange [my]_{424-elizabeth} shorts , sitting on the edge to conceal [my]_{424-elizabeth} mammoth erection behind the thin material . [I]_{424-elizabeth} ’m sweating , and not with worry . [I]_{424-elizabeth} feel like an unexploded bomb . [Motherfucker]_{1130-my baby girl} ! [[My]_{424-elizabeth} baby girl]_{1130-my baby girl} lands in [the bedroom]_{302-the bedroom} , full of excitement . “_{[424-elizabeth]} [Betty]_{424-elizabeth} ’s here , too ! ” [Her]_{424-elizabeth} face drops when [she]_{424-elizabeth} finds [me]_{424-elizabeth} on the edge of the bed . “_{[424-elizabeth]} What are [you]_0-i so grumpy about ? ” “_{[424-elizabeth]} Nothing , ” [I]_{424-elizabeth} all but bark . [Ava]_238-ava chuckles and puts [herself]_238-ava in front of [me]_{424-elizabeth} , indicating [her]_238-ava zip again . “_{[424-elizabeth]} [We]_1541-we ’ll be down in a tick . ” [She]_238-ava looks over [her]_238-ava shoulder and raises [her]_238-ava perfect brows . “_[1541-we] Once [[your]_0-i dad]_{240-my boy} has zipped [me]_0-i up . ” [I]_1541-we pout , taking the fastener and slowly pulling it up . “_[1541-we] [I]_0-i ’m not happy , ” [I]_0-i declare , making sure [my]_0-i displeasure is voiced , no matter how plain it is on [my]_0-i face . “_[0-i] [You]_0-i ’ll pay for this later . ” “_[0-i] Yeah , yeah . ” [She]_238-ava breezes out of [the room]_{228-the kitchen} , leaving [me]_0-i to talk [my]_0-i dick down and get [my]_0-i T - shirt back on . Torture . Fucking torture . [I]_0-i make [my]_0-i way [downstairs]_{256-downstairs} once [I]_0-i ’m decent , wandering into [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} to find [the whole gang]_{2989-the whole gang} [here]_2274-here . [Sam]_50-sam has [Betty]_{424-elizabeth} suspended from [his]_50-sam arm in [her]_{424-elizabeth} car seat , and [Maddie]_26-maddie is cooing over [her]_{424-elizabeth} . [Drew]_53-drew is helping [himself]_53-drew to a beer , and [the girls]_{2069-the girls} are in a gaggle by [the island]_{2099-the island} , praising [each other]_{2249-each other} ’s dresses . “_[0-i] What ’s crawled up [your]_1543-your arse ? ” [Drew]_53-drew asks , handing [me]_194-kate a beer as [I]_194-kate dump [myself]_194-kate down on a stool . [I]_194-kate do n’t need to tell [them]_{2069-the girls} . [Sam]_50-sam laughs , followed by [Drew]_53-drew . [Everyone]_283-everyone in [my]_194-kate life knows how bad [I]_194-kate struggle . [I]_194-kate tip the bottle to [my]_194-kate lips and almost spit out [my]_194-kate beer when [Kate]_194-kate swooshes around to face [me]_194-kate . “_[194-kate] Fucking hell , [Kate]_194-kate ! ” [I]_194-kate choke , wiping at [my]_194-kate mouth . [Her]_194-kate strapless dress is a decent length , to the knee , but [her]_194-kate boobs are a bench under [her]_194-kate chin . [I]_194-kate blink rapidly and look away , finding [Sam]_50-sam . [He]_50-sam ’s okay with that ? [I]_194-kate cock [my]_194-kate head in question , but [he]_50-sam just smiles , studying [Kate]_194-kate ’s epic rack . “_[194-kate] If [we]_1544-we can keep them , that would be fine by [me]_0-i . ” [He]_50-sam places [Betty]_{424-elizabeth} ’s car seat on [the island]_{2099-the island} , joining [me]_194-kate on the next stool . “_[194-kate] Too much ? ” [Kate]_194-kate asks , pulling [her]_194-kate red tresses over [her]_194-kate front so [they]_2996-they splay on [her]_194-kate chest . [Raya]_54-raya laughs , pouring wine into three glasses . Now , [Raya]_54-raya , [she]_54-raya looks perfectly presentable , [her]_54-raya long - sleeved dress scooping [her]_54-raya neck at an acceptable level , the black material a stark contrast to [her]_54-raya light blond hair . [My]_194-kate approval is short - lived . [She]_54-raya turns away , revealing the back . Or lack of it . [Her]_54-raya entire back is exposed , all the way down to [her]_54-raya arse . [I]_194-kate sigh , wondering if it ’s that unreasonable side [everyone]_283-everyone ’s always telling [me]_194-kate [I]_194-kate have , or if it ’s simply age . “_[194-kate] Easy on the wine , ” [I]_194-kate grunt , waving [my]_194-kate bottle at [Raya]_54-raya as [she]_54-raya dishes out the glasses . [She]_54-raya smiles as [she]_54-raya takes [her]_54-raya first sip . “_[194-kate] [You]_1545-i ’re not going to invade [my]_0-i hen night , are [you]_1545-i ? ” [I]_1545-i scowl , casting [my]_1545-i eyes to [[my]_1545-i supposed mates]_{2069-the girls} . Neither of [them]_{2069-the girls} look at [me]_1545-i . “_[1545-i] No . ” [I]_1545-i would , if [I]_1545-i had [someone]_293-someone to watch [the kids]_{2069-the girls} while [I]_1545-i invade . “_[1545-i] Good . ” [Kate]_194-kate chinks [the girls]_{2069-the girls} ’ glasses . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’ve done six weeks breastfeeding . [My]_0-i nipples ca n’t take any more . [I]_0-i ’m going to get so pissed . ” [She]_194-kate looks at [Sam]_50-sam , who rolls [his]_50-sam eyes , though does n’t refute [her]_194-kate intention . “_[0-i] If [I]_0-i ’m still standing by the time [I]_0-i get [home]_201-home , [I]_0-i want [you]_1547-you to slap [me]_0-i to the ground . ” [She]_194-kate takes a glug of wine . “_[0-i] Because [I]_0-i ’ll feel like an underachiever if [I]_0-i ’m not flat on [my]_0-i face . ” [I]_{2010-the kids} ’m coughing again , looking to [[my]_{2010-the kids} mate]_{313-my mate} to sort [her]_194-kate out . But , again , all [I]_{2010-the kids} get is a roll of [his]_50-sam eyes . This is ridiculous . Wine , the dresses , the talk of getting plastered . [I]_{2010-the kids} rack [my]_{2010-the kids} brain for [someone]_305-anyone , [[anyone]_305-anyone , who [I]_{2010-the kids} could call on to pop over and watch [the kids]_{2010-the kids}]_{3002-anyone , who i could call on to pop over and watch the kids} . [I]_{2010-the kids} come up blank . Maybe [I]_{2010-the kids} could take [them]_{2010-the kids} with [me]_{2010-the kids} . A little adventure around [London]_11-london . [Drew]_53-drew nudges [me]_{2010-the kids} in the side , [his]_53-drew lips straight . “_{[2010-the kids]} [They]_{2010-the kids} ’ll be fine . ” Easy for [him]_53-drew to say . Am [I]_293-someone the only one who ’s worried ? “_{[293-someone]} [Someone]_293-someone needs to stop this circus . ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i value [my]_0-i life too much . ” [Drew]_53-drew slaps [my]_282-girls shoulder with a firm thwack , making [my]_282-girls teeth chink on the top of [my]_282-girls bottle . “_[282-girls] Come on , then , [girls]_282-girls . ” Clapping [his]_53-drew hands , [he]_53-drew starts rounding them up , herding [them]_282-girls to the front door . “_[1551-she] [She]_1551-she ’ll be fine , [Dad]_1256-dad . ” [Jacob]_60-jacob appears by [my]_0-i side , offering up [his]_60-jacob jar of the good stuff . [I]_0-i strain a smile at the cute little fucker and plunge [my]_0-i finger into the pot . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i know , [mate]_0-i , ” [I]_0-i say , if only to reassure [him]_60-jacob . [She]_1551-she ’ll be fine . How many times have [I]_0-i told [myself]_0-i that over the years ? And look what happened . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i wish [I]_0-i could go . ” [Maddie]_26-maddie ’s statement has the lick of [my]_0-i finger faltering , [my]_0-i alarmed eyes looking down at [[my]_0-i girl]_26-maddie . Christ , that ’s a whole other form of stress . The thought alone sends [me]_0-i cold . Or colder than [I]_0-i already am . Now [I]_0-i really would n’t think twice about locking [[my]_0-i baby girl]_26-maddie in a cupboard . “_[0-i] Not until [you]_0-i ’re fifty , ” [I]_0-i tell [her]_26-maddie , following [Sam]_50-sam out of [the kitchen]_{2056-the house} , softening when [I]_0-i catch sight of [Betty]_{424-elizabeth} sleeping peacefully in [her]_{424-elizabeth} car seat . It seems like only yesterday that [[my]_0-i two]_{2010-the kids} were that big . Where has the time gone ? [The kids]_{2010-the kids} race [upstairs]_589-upstairs to [[their]_{2010-the kids} rooms]_{3006-their rooms} , while [I]_0-i head to the door . [I]_0-i catch [Ava]_238-ava before [she]_238-ava steps out of [the house]_{2056-the house} , pulling [her]_238-ava back . The look on [her]_238-ava glowing face is a sure sign that [she]_238-ava ’s ready for [me]_0-i . [She]_238-ava looks bored . Crowding [her]_238-ava , [I]_0-i kiss [her]_238-ava cheek . “_[0-i] Do n’t talk to [strangers]_{2294-strangers} . ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i wo n’t . ” “_[0-i] Put [your]_0-i belt on in [the car]_{2161-the car} . ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i will . ” [She]_238-ava reaches up on [her]_238-ava tippy - toes and kisses [my]_0-i cheek . “_[0-i] Drink safely . ” “_[0-i] Yes , [sir]_0-i . ” “_[0-i] Sit down if [you]_0-i feel woozy . ” “_[0-i] Okay . ” “_[0-i] Call [me]_0-i if [you]_0-i need [me]_0-i . ” Pulling back , [she]_238-ava smiles , stroking [my]_0-i cheek affectionately . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’ll be fine . ” Why does [everyone]_283-everyone keep saying that ? “_[0-i] Answer [me]_0-i when [I]_0-i text [you]_0-i . ” [I]_0-i ’m annoying [her]_0-i now , though [she]_0-i continues to humor [me]_0-i . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i will . ” “_[0-i] [Good girl]_0-i . ” [I]_0-i smother [her]_0-i with [my]_0-i lips , [my]_0-i arms refusing to let [her]_0-i go . “_[0-i] Have a good time . ” [I]_0-i sigh and force [myself]_0-i to release [her]_0-i . The anxiety inside [me]_0-i , it ’s never gone , but now it seems to be worse than ever . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i love [you]_0-i . ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i know . ” [She]_0-i dances off to [[Drew]_53-drew ’s car]_{1152-drew ’s car} . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m dropping them off and picking them up , ” [Drew]_53-drew says . [He]_53-drew knows [I]_0-i need to hear that . “_[0-i] Will call [you]_0-i when [we]_1554-we ’re on [our]_1554-we way [home]_201-home . ” [I]_238-ava nod and quickly shut the door before [I]_238-ava give in to temptation and race after [her]_0-i to drag [her]_0-i back to [the house]_201-home . The ache inside [me]_238-ava may be unreasonable and [my]_238-ava mood overboard , but after [we]_1554-we ’ve been through what [we]_1554-we ’ve been through , [I]_238-ava do n’t think it ’ll ever leave [me]_238-ava . It ’s a curse . A weight around [my]_238-ava neck . But [I]_238-ava must n’t let it pull [me]_238-ava under . Chapter 47 [I]_238-ava have not one hope of sleeping until [she]_0-i ’s [home]_201-home . So [I]_238-ava sit on the couch flicking the channels , restless and constantly checking [my]_238-ava Rolex . The call [I]_238-ava ’ve been waiting for finally comes at one in the morning . [I]_238-ava scramble to answer it and listen to [Drew]_53-drew tell [me]_238-ava [they]_3009-they ’re all drunk but safe and that [he]_53-drew ’s on the way to drop off [Ava]_238-ava . A huge weight lifts from [my]_238-ava shoulders , and for the first time this evening , [I]_238-ava relax . And then [I]_238-ava do something utterly stupid . [I]_238-ava race [upstairs]_589-upstairs , strip , and hop into bed , turning off the lamp . Because of course [she]_0-i ’ll believe that [I]_238-ava ’ve been sleeping peacefully while [she]_0-i ’s been out tearing up [the town]_{3011-the town} . It ’s almost a half hour later when [I]_238-ava hear the front door close . And a few moments after that , the sound of [her]_0-i shoes hits the tile floor . Then … silence . [I]_238-ava fight the urge to go down and find [her]_0-i . [She]_0-i ’s [home]_201-home . [She]_0-i ’s safe . Nothing can happen to [her]_0-i now . Then [I]_238-ava hear a bang and [I]_238-ava ’m like a bullet out of [our]_3013-our bed , pulling [my]_238-ava shorts on as [I]_238-ava fly down [the stairs]_{244-the stairs} . [I]_238-ava crash into [the kitchen]_{536-the hall} and find it empty . “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava ? ” [I]_238-ava call , backing up , listening . Nothing . [My]_238-ava heart rate shifts a few gears . “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava ? ” [My]_238-ava attempt not to sound frantic is n’t working . “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava , where the hell are [you]_238-ava ? ” [I]_60-jacob hurry down [the hall]_{536-the hall} , peeking in [every room]_{558-the family room} , finding [them]_{536-the hall} all empty . Until [I]_60-jacob arrive at [the family room]_{558-the family room} . [I]_60-jacob breathe out when [I]_60-jacob see [her]_238-ava standing at the foot of [our]_3017-our wall . “_[60-jacob] [Baby]_60-jacob ? ” [She]_238-ava does n’t turn , just raises a finger to a picture , a picture of [us]_3017-our on [our]_3017-our wedding day , and traces the edge of [my]_0-i face . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i remembered something earlier . ” [She]_238-ava ’s slurring . [She]_238-ava ’s definitely slurring . Drunk ? Plastered , maybe . But [she]_238-ava had a flashback ? Turning [her]_238-ava eyes onto [me]_0-i , heavy eyes , drunk eyes , [she]_238-ava points at [my]_0-i bare chest . “_[0-i] [You]_1556-you stole [my]_0-i birth control pills . ” “_[0-i] Ah . ” Guilty . As . Charged . [I]_0-i hold [my]_0-i finger to [my]_0-i nose , trying to think of a way to wriggle out of this . Of all the things [she]_238-ava could have remembered ? “_[0-i] ‘ Stole ’ is a very harsh word . ” There ’s no way out . “_[0-i] What word would [you]_1556-you use , then ? ” [Her]_238-ava bare feet are treading the carpet . “_[0-i] Do [you]_1556-you need [the toilet]_{2253-the toilet} ? ” Or is [she]_238-ava starting to stagger ? “_[0-i] Do n’t change the subject . ” [Her]_238-ava mumbled words are getting hard to decipher . “_[0-i] Why ’d [you]_1556-you steal them ? ” This again ? [I]_1556-you force [my]_1556-you eye roll into hiding and go collect [her]_238-ava before [she]_238-ava face plants on the carpet . Lifting [her]_238-ava into [my]_1556-you arms , [I]_1556-you take [her]_238-ava up to bed . “_[1556-you] Because [I]_0-i was madly in love with [you]_1556-you and [I]_0-i thought [you]_1556-you ’d leave [me]_0-i when [you]_1556-you found out [my]_0-i dirty little secrets . ” [Her]_238-ava scoff takes some effort . “_[1556-you] [You]_1556-you mean [your]_1556-you sex club . And the fact [you]_1556-you ’re [an alcoholic]_{1558-an alcoholic} . And the fact that [you]_1556-you were [a manwhore]_{1559-a manwhore} ? ” “_{[1559-a manwhore]} Yes , all of that , ” [I]_{1559-a manwhore} say , taking [the stairs]_{244-the stairs} . And a whole pile of other shit , too . “_{[1559-a manwhore]} Now , are [you]_1556-you done ? ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i had a wonderful night ! ” [she]_238-ava sings , throwing [her]_238-ava head back and [her]_238-ava arms up , forcing [me]_0-i to shift [my]_0-i hold or risk [her]_238-ava tumbling from [my]_0-i arms . [I]_0-i guess that ’s a yes . “_[0-i] And do [you]_1556-you know what ? ” [She]_238-ava levels a straight face on [me]_0-i . Do [I]_0-i want to know ? “_[0-i] What ? ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i fancy [you]_1556-you so much , ” [she]_238-ava mumbles , [her]_238-ava head falling onto [my]_0-i shoulder . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i should hope so . ” “_[0-i] Why , because [you]_1556-you ’re [[my]_0-i husband]_454-jesse ? ” “_[454-jesse] No , because [I]_0-i ’m fucking hot . ” A hysterical bout of laughter erupts , and [I]_454-jesse ’m forced to shush [her]_238-ava before [she]_238-ava wakes [the kids]_{2010-the kids} . Too late . [We]_{2010-the kids} meet [a sleepy - looking pair]_{3020-a sleepy - looking pair} when [we]_{2010-the kids} get to the top of [the stairs]_{244-the stairs} . “_[454-jesse] Go back to bed , ” [I]_32-mum tell [them]_{2010-the kids} as [they]_{2010-the kids} mirror each other , rubbing at [their]_{2010-the kids} drowsy eyes . “_[32-mum] [Mum]_32-mum ’s just a little drunk . ” “_[32-mum] A little ? ” [Jacob]_60-jacob looks as disapproving as [I]_0-i feel , though [Maddie]_26-maddie seems amused . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m a lot drunk , ” [Ava]_238-ava declares , wriggling free of [my]_0-i arms . [I]_0-i grumble as [I]_0-i set [her]_238-ava on [her]_238-ava feet , holding [her]_238-ava arm tightly . “_[0-i] And [I]_0-i love [you]_0-i two ! ” “_[0-i] Oh God . ” [Maddie]_26-maddie cringes when [Ava]_238-ava lavishes [her]_238-ava with affection . “_[32-mum] [Mum]_32-mum , please ! ” “_[0-i] [You]_0-i ’re the best things that ever happened to [me]_0-i . ” [She]_238-ava turns [her]_238-ava attention onto [an alarmed Jacob]_{240-my boy} . “_[0-i] Do n’t tell [Dad]_1256-dad that , ” [[my]_0-i boy]_{240-my boy} quips drily , letting [Ava]_238-ava do what [she]_238-ava ’s going to do . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i think it ’s [your]_0-i bedtime , [Mum]_32-mum . ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i think so , too . ” [She]_238-ava pulls [Jacob]_60-jacob into [her]_238-ava chest and squeezes [him]_60-jacob , [his]_60-jacob cheeks all squished against [her]_238-ava chest . “_[0-i] [You]_0-i ’re just as handsome as [[your]_0-i dad]_1256-dad . ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i know , ” [he]_{240-my boy} mumbles , rolling [his]_{240-my boy} eyes at [me]_0-i . [Maddie]_26-maddie ca n’t contain [her]_26-maddie amusement , chuckling to [herself]_26-maddie . “_[0-i] Come on . ” [I]_0-i claim [[my]_0-i drunken wife]_{3023-my drunken wife} before [she]_{3023-my drunken wife} makes even more of a show of [herself]_26-maddie , flicking [my]_0-i head to [the kids for [them]_{3024-the kids for them}]_{3024-the kids for them} to get back to bed . [Their]_{3024-the kids for them} smiles are fond as [I]_0-i walk [Ava]_238-ava to [the bedroom]_{302-the bedroom} , [her]_238-ava steps clumsy . “_[0-i] In [you]_1561-you get . ” [I]_0-i unzip the back of [her]_238-ava dress and lower [her]_238-ava to the sheets . [She]_238-ava proceeds to writhe around the bed . “_[0-i] Keep still . ” “_[0-i] Are [you]_1561-you going to fuck [me]_0-i , [Jesse Ward]_454-jesse ? [I]_0-i ’ll scream real loud . ” “_[0-i] Behave , [lady]_0-i . ” [I]_0-i chuckle , dragging the gold material down [her]_0-i body and casting it aside . “_[0-i] Underwear . ” [Her]_0-i arms catapult upward , landing on the pillows . “_[0-i] Strip [me]_0-i bare . ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i did that years ago . Right down to [your]_1561-you soul . ” [She]_0-i quiets down a little , squinting to look at [me]_0-i . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i missed [you]_1561-you tonight . ” “_[0-i] Good . ” When [she]_0-i ’s down to just [her]_0-i skin , [I]_0-i remove [my]_0-i shorts and climb in beside [her]_0-i , ignoring the stench of alcohol oozing from [her]_0-i pores . [I]_0-i remain still while [she]_0-i finds [her]_0-i favorite place on [my]_0-i chest , flopping down heavily on a deep sigh . [I]_0-i wrap [her]_0-i in [my]_0-i arms and smile to [myself]_0-i as [her]_0-i breathing becomes shallow . “_[0-i] And now [I]_0-i ’ll miss [you]_1561-you while [I]_0-i ’m asleep . ” [Her]_0-i murmured words are just what [I]_0-i need to hear . [She]_0-i ’s glad to be back . With [me]_0-i . Chapter 48 [Ava]_238-ava had a terrible hangover the next day . [I]_0-i was smug . Could n’t help it . But a few days later [she]_0-i still looked washed out . Of course , [I]_0-i put the call in to [[her]_0-i doctor]_{1068-her doctor} to check [I]_0-i was n’t missing something , and [he]_{1068-her doctor} assured [me]_0-i all was well . Just something going around , apparently . [She]_0-i ’s now been laid up for nearly a week , though [she]_0-i managed to go to yoga yesterday . [I]_0-i was skeptical , but [she]_0-i insisted . [I]_0-i even let [her]_0-i go for a coffee with [that new friend of [hers]_0-i]_{3027-that new friend of hers} . See ? [I]_0-i can be reasonable . [I]_0-i look at [the kids]_{2010-the kids} as [they]_{2010-the kids} eat [their]_{2010-the kids} breakfast , thinking [they]_{2010-the kids} look a little pasty , too . Or am [I]_0-i being paranoid ? “_[0-i] [You]_1562-you two feeling okay ? ” [I]_0-i ask . [They]_{2010-the kids} both nod , barely even looking at [me]_0-i , [their]_{2010-the kids} eyes glued to [their]_{2010-the kids} iPads instead . [I]_0-i wander over and snatch the tablets from [their]_{2010-the kids} hands , earning a couple of disgruntled moans . “_[0-i] Shower . [We]_1563-we have [Uncle Drew]_53-drew ’s wedding to go to . ” [They]_{2010-the kids} grumble , both dragging [their]_{2010-the kids} feet as [they]_{2010-the kids} go . “_[1563-we] [Good little children]_{1564-good little children} . ” [I]_116-zara smirk as [they]_{2010-the kids} both give [me]_116-zara the death stare before [they]_{2010-the kids} disappear . [Ava]_238-ava ’s phone rings , and [I]_116-zara swipe it up from the side table , looking at the screen as [I]_116-zara make [my]_116-zara way [upstairs]_589-upstairs to [my]_116-zara check up on [[my]_116-zara wife]_{525-my wife} . “_[116-zara] [Zara]_116-zara , ” [I]_116-zara muse , connecting the call . Time for [me]_116-zara to introduce [myself]_116-zara to [this new friend]_{525-my wife} . “_[116-zara] Hi . ” [I]_1565-i hear a few rustles , and then the phone goes dead . [I]_1565-i frown down at the screen as a text message lands . Call [me]_1565-i when [you]_{525-my wife} ’re free . Just checking how [you]_{525-my wife} ’re feeling . [I]_1565-i take the liberty of answering for [Ava]_238-ava . It ’s [Jesse]_454-jesse . [[Ava]_238-ava ’s husband]_{525-my wife} . [We]_3031-we ’re on [our]_3031-we way to a wedding . [I]_1565-i ’ll get [her]_238-ava to call [you]_{525-my wife} tomorrow . Ah ! [The famous husband]_{525-my wife} . [I]_1565-i ’ve heard lots about [you]_{525-my wife} ;-) Did [she]_238-ava just fucking wink at [me]_1565-i ? [I]_1565-i give the phone a dubious glare , wondering what exactly [Ava]_238-ava ’s been telling [her]_238-ava that warrants a wink . [I]_1565-i do n’t know , but [I]_1565-i make a mental note to ask . [I]_1565-i ’m surprised when [I]_1565-i find [Ava]_238-ava sitting in front of the mirror , straightening [her]_238-ava hair . “_[1565-i] [You]_1565-i look perkier . ” [I]_1565-i chuck [her]_{1566-your yoga friend} phone on the bed and lower to the floor behind [her]_{1566-your yoga friend} , framing [her]_{1566-your yoga friend} with [my]_1565-i knees , shifting in close until [my]_1565-i groin is wedged up close to [her]_{1566-your yoga friend} lower back . “_[1565-i] [[Your]_1565-i yoga friend]_{1566-your yoga friend} just texted [you]_{1566-your yoga friend} . [I]_0-i told [her]_{1566-your yoga friend} [you]_{1566-your yoga friend} ’d call [her]_{1566-your yoga friend} tomorrow . ” “_[0-i] [You]_{1566-your yoga friend} read and answered [my]_0-i message ? ” [she]_{1566-your yoga friend} asks in shock . “_{[1566-your yoga friend]} Yes . ” [I]_{1566-your yoga friend} show no remorse , because [I]_{1566-your yoga friend} have none . “_{[1566-your yoga friend]} So what have [you]_{1566-your yoga friend} been telling this [Zara]_116-zara about [me]_0-i ? ” [Ava]_238-ava ’s eyes narrow playfully as [she]_238-ava sweeps [her]_238-ava cheeks with a makeup brush , adding a glow to [her]_238-ava cheekbones . “_[116-zara] That [you]_{1566-your yoga friend} ’re [a god]_{2768-a god} . That [you]_{1566-your yoga friend} ’re possessive , unreasonable , and controlling , but it ’s all because [you]_{1566-your yoga friend} love [me]_0-i with every bone in [your]_{1566-your yoga friend} body . ” “_[116-zara] And every drop of blood in [my]_0-i veins , ” [I]_116-zara add , giving [her]_238-ava a devilish smirk , but it falls when [I]_116-zara notice [she]_238-ava does n’t return it . [She]_238-ava ’s looking pensive . “_[116-zara] Hey , what ’s up ? ” Is [she]_238-ava worried about the wedding ? The public appearance in front of [so many people]_{3032-so many people} ? [I]_116-zara do n’t think it could be that . [She]_238-ava ’s seemed okay this past week , [her]_238-ava bug aside . Sometimes quiet , but that ’s to be expected . [I]_116-zara ’ve gotten used to [her]_238-ava losing [herself]_238-ava in [her]_238-ava thoughts every now and then , concluding that [she]_238-ava ’s trying to recall something . There have been no monumental breakthroughs in [her]_238-ava memories . [We]_3033-we ’ve just kind of fallen back into life . And it ’s been good . Relatively normal , aside from the odd thing [she]_238-ava forgets every now and then . According to [[her]_238-ava doctor]_{1068-her doctor} , that ’s normal , too . [I]_116-zara ca n’t deny , though , [I]_116-zara still feel so uncertain about so many things . Yet one thing [I]_116-zara ’m sure of is [our]_3035-our beautiful , unrelenting love . But love is n’t always beautiful . Sometimes it ’s tragic . Most of the time it ’s tragic . It cuts [you]_3036-you up , tears [you]_3036-you apart , fucking suffocates [you]_3036-you , but it ’s the only thing that can put [you]_3036-you back together again . It ’s [a sadistic bastard]_{3037-a sadistic bastard} as well as the most enriching , comforting thing in [this world]_{198-this world} . And that ’s what [I]_116-zara ’ve survived on — [my]_116-zara love , [our]_3033-we love , because if [I]_116-zara ’ve learned anything , it ’s that time stops for [no one]_{210-no one} . Life continues no matter if [you]_3040-you ’re happy with where [yours]_3040-you has been or where it is heading . [You]_3040-you ca n’t stop it . [You]_3040-you just have to tilt the scale and make it the best it can be . Change the direction toward somewhere [you]_3040-you want to go . And that ’s exactly what [I]_116-zara ’ve done . And [I]_116-zara thought [I]_116-zara ’d done a good job . So why is [she]_3041-she looking so unsure all of a sudden ? Placing [her]_3041-she makeup brush on the floor , [she]_3041-she stares at [me]_116-zara in the mirror , biting [her]_3041-she lip , thinking . “_[116-zara] Is it [your]_1568-your head ? ” [I]_116-zara ask . “_[116-zara] Do [you]_1568-your still feel off ? ” Oh shit , has [she]_3041-she had a breakthrough and not told [me]_0-i , maybe because [she]_3041-she ’s shocked ? Horrified ? Or , worse still , questioning why [she]_3041-she ’s in this marriage ? [Piles]_148-piles and piles of reasons for [her]_3041-she despondency all land on [me]_0-i at once , and [I]_0-i filter through the barrage , trying to dwindle it down to anything obvious . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m pregnant . ” Everything except that . There ’s some kind of blockage happening between [my]_0-i brain and mouth , rendering [me]_0-i unable to speak . Pregnant ? How ? [The blockage]_{3042-the blockage} suddenly dislodges , and [I]_0-i immediately start shaking like [a motherfucker]_{3043-a motherfucker} , [my]_0-i body cold . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m sorry , what ? ” [Her]_0-i eyes , sharp but cautious , study [me]_0-i in the reflection . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i … am … pregnant . ” This time , [she]_0-i spells it out , as if [I]_0-i did n’t catch the bombshell the first time . Pregnant . Pregnant . Pregnant . “_[0-i] Pregnant , ” [I]_0-i finally manage , swallowing hard . “_[0-i] How ? ” [She]_0-i shrugs , looking a little timid . “_[0-i] The antibiotics , [I]_0-i think . Sometimes [they]_1569-i interfere with the pill . ” “_[1569-i] Fucking hell , ” [I]_1569-i all but breathe , slapping the ball of [my]_1569-i fist into [my]_1569-i forehead . The irony does n’t escape [me]_1569-i . It does n’t escape [Ava]_238-ava either , going by the slight twist of [her]_238-ava lips . When [we]_3044-we met and [she]_238-ava turned [my]_1569-i world upside down , [I]_1569-i spent weeks sneakily stealing [her]_238-ava pills in a wild and reckless mission to get [her]_238-ava pregnant to ensure [I]_1569-i could keep [her]_238-ava forever . It was no accidental pregnancy , not on [my]_1569-i part , anyway . And [I]_1569-i would n’t change a damn thing , either . [I]_1569-i adore [[my]_1569-i kids]_{261-my kids} , would n’t be without [them]_{261-my kids} . But it does n’t mean [I]_1569-i want more . “_[1569-i] [I]_0-i knew [you]_1570-you would n’t take it well . ” [Her]_238-ava soft murmur breaks into the bedlam that is [my]_0-i thoughts . [I]_0-i ’m astounded by [her]_238-ava calmness . Why is n’t [she]_238-ava spiraling into meltdown with [me]_0-i ? “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m fifty , [Ava]_238-ava . ” [I]_238-ava get up and start pacing [the room]_{202-the room} . “_[238-ava] [I]_0-i ’m way too old to be [a dad]_{1571-a dad} again . ” “_[238-ava] No , [you]_238-ava ’re not . ” [[My]_238-ava wife]_238-ava sounds irked , and [I]_238-ava look to find [she]_238-ava really is , [her]_238-ava face bunched , annoyed . “_[238-ava] [Parents]_317-parents are getting older all the time . ” [She]_238-ava shrugs . “_{[317-parents]} At least that ’s what [[my]_0-i midwife]_{1573-the midwife} said . ” “_{[317-parents]} [You]_238-ava ’ve been to [the midwife]_{1573-the midwife} ? ” Without [me]_317-parents ? “_{[317-parents]} When ? ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i got [a taxi]_{2958-a taxi} to [[the doctor]_{2188-the doctor} ’s office]_{1576-the doctor ’s office} after [you]_238-ava dropped [me]_0-i at yoga yesterday . [I]_0-i needed to be sure before [I]_0-i gave [you]_238-ava the news that [I]_0-i knew would send [you]_238-ava into orbit . ” Orbit ? How about another fucking galaxy ? “_[0-i] Pregnant ! ” [I]_0-i bark for the sake of it . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ca n’t believe this . ” It ’s really sinking in now , visions of [Kate]_194-kate and [Sam]_50-sam ’s weary faces since [Betty]_{424-elizabeth} arrived popping into [my]_0-i mind . [I]_0-i ’ve done [my]_0-i time . [My]_0-i days of shitty nappies and sleepless nights are done with . “_[0-i] Oh [[my]_0-i God]_26-maddie , ” [I]_26-maddie sputter , marching to [the bathroom]_{294-the bathroom} and punching the shower on , muttering all kinds of nonsensical shit as [I]_26-maddie strip down . [I]_26-maddie get under the spray and hope the cold water will wake [me]_26-maddie up from [my]_26-maddie nightmare . “_[26-maddie] [You]_26-maddie ’re taking it rather well . ” [She]_238-ava quips , appearing beyond the shower door , watching [me]_238-ava scrub every inch of [my]_238-ava body . “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava , let ’s put this into perspective . ” [I]_238-ava get close to the screen so [she]_238-ava can see just how fucking panicked [I]_238-ava am . “_[238-ava] When [this baby]_{2778-this baby} is ten , [I]_0-i ’ll be nearly sixty - one . ” [I]_0-i shudder . Fuck [me]_0-i , [I]_0-i ’ve only just got used to fifty . That ’s a lie . [I]_0-i ’m not used to it at all , and , in fact , in [my]_0-i mind [I]_0-i ’m still actually forty . Sixty ? [I]_0-i ’ll blink and it ’ll be here . “_[0-i] [The twins]_{2012-the twins} will be in university and [I]_0-i ’ll be taking [[our]_1580-our youngest]_{1581-our youngest} to [school]_2011-school on a fucking mobility scooter . ” [I]_0-i want to cry , whereas [Ava]_238-ava just sighs , letting [me]_0-i babble on . Good . [I]_0-i have plenty to say . “_[0-i] And [I]_0-i ’ll have to make at least three stops on the way to piss because [my]_0-i old bladder wo n’t be able to hold a cup of coffee for longer than ten minutes . ” [I]_1583-my stagger back , out of breath , half assisted by [my]_1583-my panic , half assisted by [my]_1583-my spew of words without catching [my]_1583-my breath . This is awful ! “_[1583-my] [You]_1583-my ’re being ridiculous . ” [She]_238-ava stalks off , leaving [me]_1583-my heaving like [a worn - out racehorse]_{3048-a worn - out racehorse} , all alone in the cold shower . “_[1583-my] [I]_0-i have the scan on Tuesday . Come if [you]_1584-you want , and if [you]_1584-you do n’t want to that ’s fine . Do n’t think [I]_0-i ca n’t do this on [my]_0-i own . ” And just like that [I]_0-i ’m snapped out of [my]_0-i meltdown . [She]_238-ava ’ll do it on [her]_238-ava own ? Without [me]_0-i ? [I]_0-i flinch , the thought more than stinging . And then [I]_0-i frown to [myself]_0-i , wondering what on [earth]_471-earth has gotten into [me]_0-i . And [I]_0-i think real hard . [I]_0-i think about what the actual issue here is , and it is n’t [another baby]_{2850-another baby} being around . It ’s [me]_0-i . [My]_0-i issue . [That damn fucker]_{3051-that damn fucker} called age . That ’s the problem . That ’s what ’s got [me]_0-i all in a pickle . It has nothing to do with being [a daddy]_{3052-a daddy} again . But everything to do with [my]_0-i stupid complex . And maybe another factor is the thought of having [another someone]_{3053-another someone} to worry about . More anxiety . Fuck , [another person]_{3054-another person} to obsess about will be a strain that could finish [me]_0-i off . [My]_0-i heart ’s speeding more just thinking about it . [I]_0-i breathe in and breathe out , trying to talk [myself]_0-i down . And [I]_0-i think about [Ava]_238-ava ’s face just now . How calm and serene [she]_238-ava seemed , even when [I]_0-i tipped the meltdown scales . “_[0-i] Fuck , ” [I]_0-i mumble . Can [I]_0-i do this ? [I]_0-i look to the bathroom door . Can [I]_0-i do this for [Ava]_238-ava ? Good Lord , [I]_0-i have to . [I]_0-i can get over all of [my]_0-i issues because [I]_0-i want [[my]_0-i wife]_238-ava to be happy . Especially now . Especially after everything . [She]_238-ava needs this . Maybe [I]_0-i do , too . And [the kids]_{2010-the kids} . Something special and new to focus on . [I]_0-i drag [my]_0-i hands down [my]_0-i scratchy cheeks . “_[0-i] God damn [you]_1585-you , [Ward]_238-ava , ” [I]_238-ava say to [myself]_238-ava , stepping out of the shower and grabbing a towel . [I]_238-ava have some serious sucking up to do . [I]_238-ava feel like a total wanker . “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava ? ” [I]_238-ava say timidly , creeping into [the dressing room]_{258-the dressing room} . [She]_238-ava has the wide - leg trousers of [her]_238-ava navy Ralph Lauren suit on , a cream silk shirt held against [her]_238-ava front . And [she]_238-ava ’s watching [me]_238-ava . [I]_238-ava ’m about to launch into [my]_238-ava apology , but [she]_238-ava beats [me]_238-ava to it . “_[238-ava] [We]_1586-we may have laughed about it that time when [we]_1586-we visited [Betty]_{424-elizabeth} , but [you]_{424-elizabeth} know what ? [I]_0-i ’m happy this has happened . [I]_0-i ’m thrilled , in fact . Maybe this is just what [we]_1586-we need . [All of [us]_1586-we]_{612-all of us} . [Me]_0-i , [you]_{424-elizabeth} , and [the kids]_{2010-the kids} . A new life to channel [our]_1586-we energy and attention on . Something to look forward to . Something to distract [us]_1586-we from the shit storm of the past couple months . ” [She]_238-ava breathes in and shoves [her]_238-ava arms through the sleeves of [her]_238-ava shirt , while [I]_238-ava remain still in the doorway , feeling so ashamed . [She]_238-ava ’s thinking the same as [me]_238-ava , though [she]_238-ava got there a lot quicker than [me]_238-ava , clearly . [She]_238-ava ’s been sitting on this since yesterday . [She]_238-ava ’s been scared to tell [me]_238-ava , and [I]_238-ava ’ve just demonstrated every reason why . “_[238-ava] But do n’t [you]_{424-elizabeth} worry [your]_{424-elizabeth} fifty - year - old head , [Ward]_238-ava . ” Reaching out , [she]_238-ava yanks the cropped jacket of [her]_238-ava suit down and shoves it on , fixing the collar of [her]_238-ava blouse . “_[238-ava] [We]_1586-we ’ll be fine without [you]_{424-elizabeth} . ” “_[26-maddie] [Jesus]_26-maddie , enough with the knives to [my]_0-i fucking heart , [woman]_26-maddie . The first did enough damage . ” But [every man at some time in [his]_{3057-every man at some time in his life} life]_{3057-every man at some time in his life} needs putting in [his]_{3057-every man at some time in his life} place . And for [me]_{424-elizabeth} , [no woman on [this planet]_{2553-this planet}]_{3058-no woman on this planet} could ever do it better than [[my]_{424-elizabeth} wife]_26-maddie . “_{[424-elizabeth]} [You]_{424-elizabeth} asked for it . ” [She]_238-ava storms past [me]_{424-elizabeth} , but [I]_{424-elizabeth} just catch [her]_238-ava wrist , jolting [her]_238-ava to a stop . [Both of [us]_{461-both of us}]_{461-both of us} silent , [I]_{424-elizabeth} take [her]_238-ava by the waist and lift [her]_238-ava onto one of the cabinets , muscling [my]_{424-elizabeth} way to between [her]_238-ava thighs . [Her]_238-ava face is sulky as [I]_{424-elizabeth} claim [her]_238-ava hands and put them on [my]_{424-elizabeth} shoulders . “_{[424-elizabeth]} Snap out of it . ” “_{[424-elizabeth]} That ’s rich coming from [you]_{424-elizabeth} , ” [she]_238-ava snorts , flexing [her]_238-ava fingers on [my]_{424-elizabeth} wet shoulders , [her]_238-ava eyes focused there . [I]_{424-elizabeth} inwardly smile . “_{[424-elizabeth]} Imagine life without [me]_0-i , ” [I]_{424-elizabeth} tell [her]_238-ava , and [she]_238-ava physically jolts . “_{[424-elizabeth]} Not nice , is it ? ” “_{[424-elizabeth]} What ’s [your]_{424-elizabeth} point ? ” “_[0-i] [My]_0-i point is [you]_{424-elizabeth} should n’t say [you]_{424-elizabeth} ’ll be fine without [me]_0-i , because [you]_{424-elizabeth} wo n’t be . And neither will [I]_0-i without [you]_{424-elizabeth} . ” [She]_238-ava breathes out , exasperated . “_[305-anyone] [Anyone]_305-anyone would think [I]_0-i ’d just told [you]_{424-elizabeth} [I]_0-i have one month to live . ” [Her]_238-ava twitch is immediate , and so is [my]_305-anyone growl . “_[305-anyone] Sorry , ” [she]_238-ava squeaks , lips pressed together , probably a ploy to stop [her]_238-ava saying any more stupid shit . “_[305-anyone] Do n’t think because [you]_{424-elizabeth} ’re pregnant [I]_0-i wo n’t slap [your]_{424-elizabeth} arse silly . ” “_[0-i] Would n’t be the first time , ” [she]_238-ava grunts , and then [she]_238-ava gasps , [her]_238-ava eyes wide . “_[0-i] Oh [my]_0-i God ! ” [My]_0-i head drops back , [my]_0-i eyes closing . “_[0-i] Yes , [I]_0-i did that , ” [I]_{424-elizabeth} confirm . [I]_{424-elizabeth} do n’t get all excited at this morsel of a memory , and [I]_{424-elizabeth} do n’t search for more . This is how it is now . How it ’ll always be . Little pieces here and there , and maybe one day in a few hundred years , [she]_238-ava ’ll have the whole story . [I]_{424-elizabeth} ’m hoping minus a few not so pretty parts . Like [Lauren]_1535-lauren . And the accident . And the … [I]_{424-elizabeth} let [my]_{424-elizabeth} thoughts trail off there and bat back the growing guilt . [I]_{424-elizabeth} have more important things to think about . Especially now . “_{[424-elizabeth]} [You]_{424-elizabeth} animal , ” [Ava]_238-ava teases , and [I]_{424-elizabeth} laugh . [She]_238-ava never fucking fought [me]_{424-elizabeth} . “_{[424-elizabeth]} So what now , then ? ” “_{[424-elizabeth]} Now , ” [I]_{424-elizabeth} say , slowly bending at the waist , keeping [our]_1591-we eye contact as [I]_{424-elizabeth} lower [my]_{424-elizabeth} head . “_{[424-elizabeth]} Now [we]_1591-we have [another baby]_{2850-another baby} . ” It ’s that simple . [I]_{2850-another baby} drop a kiss on [her]_238-ava tummy and take pure pleasure from [her]_238-ava happy beam . How could [I]_{2850-another baby} deny [her]_238-ava this ? Bottom line , [I]_{2850-another baby} could n’t . And [I]_{2850-another baby} wo n’t . “_{[2850-another baby]} When should [we]_1591-we tell [the twins]_{2012-the twins} ? ” [she]_238-ava asks , losing [her]_238-ava delight for a split second . [She]_238-ava ’s worried . There ’s no need . [I]_{2850-another baby} saw [Maddie]_26-maddie with [Betty]_{424-elizabeth} the other day . [She]_238-ava was besotted . And [Jacob]_60-jacob is so laid - back [he]_60-jacob ’s nearly horizontal . [They]_{2012-the twins} ’ll be fine . “_{[2850-another baby]} Let ’s focus on [Drew]_53-drew and [Raya]_54-raya for today . ” [I]_{2850-another baby} lift [her]_54-raya down and drop a light kiss on [her]_54-raya forehead . “_{[2850-another baby]} Let ’s not steal [their]_{2012-the twins} thunder . ” [She]_54-raya smiles , and [her]_54-raya eyes sparkle brightly . It ’s the sparkle that ’s been absent for far too long . So [I]_{2850-another baby} ’m gon na be [a dad]_{1571-a dad} again ? [I]_{2850-another baby} roll [my]_{2850-another baby} naked shoulders and smooth [my]_{2850-another baby} hair in the mirror . [I]_{2850-another baby} must be [the best - looking fifty - year - old dad who ever lived]_{1571-a dad} . Chapter 49 The ceremony was beautiful , [the small church in [a village]_{497-the city} on [the outskirts of [the city]_{497-the city}]_{496-the outskirts of the city}]_{3062-the small church in a village on the outskirts of the city} crammed with white orchids and [a few dozen guests]_{3065-a few dozen guests} . [Kate]_194-kate and [Ava]_238-ava cried like a pair of babies . And [Raya]_54-raya looked out of [this world]_{198-this world} in a long satin gown . [I]_{2850-another baby} do n’t think [I]_{2850-another baby} ’ve ever seen [Drew]_53-drew smile so wide . [The man]_{2289-the man} looked like [he]_{2289-the man} was walking on clouds the entire service , and [little Georgia]_58-georgia was grinning from ear to ear . [We]_3068-we finally make it to the elaborate tent in a field in [the quaint village]_{497-the city} after being accosted for photographs and ordered into various groups here and there . [I]_{2850-another baby} ’m not surprised when [we]_3068-we break through the billowing voile sheets at the entrance to find [Sam]_50-sam with a beer in one hand , [Betty]_{424-elizabeth} in the other . [Maddie]_26-maddie is off like a rocket when [she]_26-maddie spots [Georgia]_58-georgia helping to ladle punch into glasses for [guests]_680-guests , ever willing to help , and [Jacob]_60-jacob goes about finding [our]_3068-we names on the place cards around the tables . [I]_{2850-another baby} leave [Ava]_238-ava to use [the ladies]_{2611-the ladies} and approach [Sam]_50-sam , [my]_{2850-another baby} eyes nailed to the bundle of joy lying across [his]_50-sam left arm . One minute [my]_{2850-another baby} hands are empty , the next [they]_{2611-the ladies} ’re full of [a baby]_{1412-a baby} . [I]_{2850-another baby} look at [Sam]_50-sam , alarmed . “_{[2850-another baby]} What are [you]_1594-you doing ? ” “_{[2850-another baby]} Just give [me]_0-i a minute ; [I]_0-i forgot to bring in [Betty]_{424-elizabeth} ’s changing bag from [the car]_{2161-the car} . ” [He]_50-sam ’s gone before [I]_0-i can protest , leaving [me]_0-i to fend for [myself]_0-i . Like a big oaf , [I]_0-i carefully negotiate [her]_{424-elizabeth} into the cradle of [my]_0-i arm . So carefully . [I]_0-i ’m all nervous . [I]_0-i did this a million times with [my]_0-i own , but that was a long , long time ago . [I]_0-i look down at [her]_{424-elizabeth} adorable little face . [Her]_{424-elizabeth} hair is [Kate]_194-kate all over , red and vibrant , even now , but [she]_{424-elizabeth} has [Sam]_50-sam ’s cute nose . [She]_{424-elizabeth} ’s awake , [her]_{424-elizabeth} hands at [her]_{424-elizabeth} mouth . [I]_0-i remember the signs . [She]_{424-elizabeth} ’s hungry . And the flakes of skin scattered between the red strands of [her]_{424-elizabeth} hair are signs of cradle cap . [I]_0-i remember that , too . [I]_0-i smile , taking [my]_0-i index finger to [her]_{424-elizabeth} cheek and stroking [her]_{424-elizabeth} baby - soft skin . A million memories come back to [me]_0-i , times [I]_0-i ’d forgotten recently amid the chaos of [our]_3072-our lives . The times [the twins]_{2012-the twins} would lie on [my]_0-i chest and [snooze]_149-snooze , [Ava]_238-ava curled into [my]_0-i side . The times [I]_0-i juggled feeding both of [them]_{2012-the twins} , getting it down to a fine art . How quickly [I]_0-i figured out that [Jacob]_60-jacob was more patient than [Maddie]_26-maddie , so [I]_0-i ’d see to [her]_238-ava dirty nappy first . The joy [I]_0-i used to get at bath time , watching [their]_{2012-the twins} little limbs splash the shallow water . And that smell . The smell [I]_0-i could n’t get enough of . Pure , perfect baby scent . It was like a sedative , could send [me]_0-i to sleep . And it often did . “_[0-i] Hey , [man]_586-man , [you]_586-man okay ? ” [Sam]_50-sam ’s question rouses [me]_0-i from [my]_0-i reflections , and [I]_0-i pull back [my]_0-i finger from [Betty]_{424-elizabeth} ’s cheek , coughing [my]_0-i throat clear as [I]_0-i hand [her]_{424-elizabeth} back to [[her]_{424-elizabeth} dad]_{3074-her dad} . [Sam]_50-sam lowers [his]_50-sam mouth to [[his]_50-sam daughter]_{424-elizabeth} ’s head . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i think [Uncle Jesse]_454-jesse is getting broody . ” [I]_454-jesse scoff for the sake of it , to mask [our]_3075-our secret . “_[454-jesse] [My]_0-i baby days are done . ” Total lie . “_[194-kate] Where ’s [Kate]_194-kate ? ” “_[194-kate] [She]_194-kate ’s just using [the ladies]_{2611-the ladies} before [she]_194-kate finds somewhere quiet to feed [Betty]_{424-elizabeth} . ” A riotous applause breaks out when [Drew]_53-drew and [Raya]_54-raya enter the marquee , all attention turning [their]_{2611-the ladies} way . And when [Drew]_53-drew dramatically dips [Raya]_54-raya and kisses the living daylights out of [her]_54-raya , the noise ramps up a few thousand decibels . [Betty]_{424-elizabeth} starts squawking , the shrillness piercing the cheers . “_[194-kate] Oh , fuck , it ’s dinnertime and [she]_194-kate ’s pissed at the noise . ” [Sam]_50-sam heads off to find [Kate]_194-kate , and [I]_1598-you head to [Drew]_53-drew , pulling [him]_53-drew away from a playfully scowling [Raya]_54-raya . “_[1598-you] [Your]_1598-you turn in a minute , ” [I]_1598-you assure [her]_54-raya cheekily , landing a kiss on [[my]_1598-you mate]_{313-my mate} ’s cheek . “_[1598-you] Congratulations , [you]_1598-you great pussy . ” “_[1598-you] Fuck [you]_1598-you . ” [He]_53-drew laughs , [his]_53-drew blue eyes sparkling happily . “_[238-ava] How ’s [Ava]_238-ava ? ” [Pregnant]_150-pregnant ! [My]_238-ava head screams the announcement , but [my]_238-ava mouth refuses to say it . Not because [I]_238-ava do n’t want to , [I]_238-ava kind of do , maybe to get some reassurance from [my]_238-ava pals , but because this is [Drew]_53-drew and [Raya]_54-raya ’s day , and the shine should n’t be taken off of that . “_[238-ava] [She]_238-ava ’s good . But just [you]_1598-you worry about giving [[your]_1598-you wife]_{364-your wife} the day [she]_238-ava deserves . ” [He]_53-drew smiles , looking across to the gorgeous [Raya]_54-raya , a section of [her]_54-raya platinum blonde hair plaited and pinned , forming a pretty band across [her]_54-raya head , flowers woven throughout . “_[238-ava] Does n’t [she]_238-ava look gorgeous ? ” [Drew]_53-drew muses as [she]_238-ava joins [us]_3077-us , tucking [herself]_238-ava neatly into [his]_53-drew side . “_[238-ava] Beautiful , ” [I]_238-ava agree , bending to kiss [her]_238-ava cheek before returning [my]_238-ava attention to [Drew]_53-drew . “_[238-ava] Hey , do [you]_1598-you remember that time when [you]_1598-you turned up at [[my]_0-i house]_{1600-my house} in [a state]_{1601-a state} because [you]_1598-you ’d made love to [a woman]_51-joseph ? ” [I]_238-ava very nearly have to dip to miss the daggers coming at [me]_238-ava . “_[238-ava] What ’s that , then ? ” [Raya]_54-raya asks , interested . “_[238-ava] Nothing , ” [Drew]_53-drew says lowly , [his]_53-drew dark stare on [me]_238-ava . [He]_1603-he knows [me]_238-ava . Too well . “_[238-ava] For the record , [the woman [he]_1603-he ’d made love to was [you]_1598-you]_51-joseph . ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’d hope so ! ” [she]_51-joseph laughs . “_[0-i] Since before [me]_0-i [he]_1603-he only fucked with those chains of [his]_1603-he . ” [Drew]_53-drew moans , claiming a glass of water from a tray and placing it in [[his]_1603-he wife]_51-joseph ’s hand . “_[0-i] Yes , [I]_0-i was [a fucker]_{1604-a fucker} before [I]_0-i met [you]_1598-you and now [I]_0-i ’m [a lover]_{1605-a lover} . ” [He]_1603-he pecks [her]_54-raya lips . “_[0-i] [You]_1598-you ’ve turned [me]_0-i . ” “_[1598-you] Who ’s turned who ? ” [Ava]_238-ava asks , joining [us]_3078-us . As [the waiter]_{1025-the waiter} passes again , [I]_54-raya take a glass of water from the tray and put it in [her]_238-ava hand . “_[54-raya] [Raya]_54-raya turned [Drew]_53-drew from [a fucker]_{1604-a fucker} to [a master lovemaker]_{1606-a master lovemaker} . Not dissimilar to [you]_1598-you and [me]_0-i . ” [I]_1598-you smile bright and cheekily . “_[1598-you] [You]_1598-you still fuck , [Ward]_238-ava , ” [she]_1598-you says drily , smiling at [Raya]_54-raya when [she]_1598-you laughs , [each of [them]_{3080-each of them}]_{3080-each of them} taking a sip of [their]_{3080-each of them} wa — Hold up . [My]_238-ava eyes meet [Drew]_53-drew ’s , and [I]_238-ava know [we]_3081-we ’re thinking the exact same thing . “_[238-ava] Why is n’t [[your]_1598-you wife]_{364-your wife} indulging in champagne on [your]_1598-you wedding day ? ” [I]_1598-you ask . “_[1598-you] Why is n’t [yours]_1598-you ? ” [he]_1598-you retorts . “_{[364-your wife]} [She]_{364-your wife} ’s thirsty . ” “_{[364-your wife]} So is [Raya]_54-raya . ” [I]_54-raya feel [my]_54-raya lips twitching , prompting [Drew]_53-drew ’s to tweak at the corners , too . “_[54-raya] Oh [my]_0-i God , ” [Raya]_54-raya breathes . “_[54-raya] [Me]_0-i and [Drew]_53-drew are pregnant ! ” “_[1608-us] [Us]_1608-us too ! ” [I]_1608-us yell , way too loudly , earning a knock of [my]_1608-us arm from [Ava]_238-ava . “_[1608-us] What the fuck ? ” [Drew]_53-drew balks . “_[1608-us] Oh [my]_0-i God ! ” [Raya]_54-raya sings . “_[1608-us] What ? ” [Sam]_50-sam asks , scanning [us]_1608-us all as [he]_50-sam rejoins [the group]_{3082-the group} . [I]_1608-us look to [Drew]_53-drew , to [Raya]_54-raya , and then to [Ava]_238-ava . And shrug . [I]_1608-us ’m not leading on this one . [Drew]_53-drew sighs , but [his]_53-drew smile is n’t containable . “_[1608-us] [We]_1608-us were saving it for after the wedding , but does n’t look like that ’s happening . ” [He]_53-drew wraps [his]_53-drew arms around [Raya]_54-raya ’s shoulder . “_[1608-us] [We]_1608-us ’re having [a baby]_{1412-a baby} . ” “_[1608-us] No way ! ” [Sam]_50-sam ’s on [them]_1608-us with enthusiasm , knocking [Raya]_54-raya ’s water all over [the place]_{2265-the place} . “_[1608-us] Congratulations , [you]_1608-us two ! ” “_[1608-us] Thanks . ” [Raya]_54-raya blushes somewhat , pointing [her]_54-raya empty glass to [us]_1608-us while [she]_54-raya wipes down [her]_54-raya dress . “_[1608-us] And congratulations to [Jesse]_454-jesse and [Ava]_238-ava , too . ” “_[1608-us] Huh ? ” [Sam]_50-sam swings around , looking at [us]_1608-us in turn . “_[1608-us] What are [you]_1608-us two celebrating ? ” [I]_1608-us look at [Ava]_238-ava . [She]_238-ava looks at [me]_1608-us . “_[1608-us] The medication [she]_238-ava ’s on screwed with [her]_238-ava pill . ” [Sam]_50-sam is silent for a few uncomfortable seconds , looking between [us]_1608-us . And then [he]_50-sam falls apart , hands on [his]_50-sam knees and everything . “_[238-ava] Fuck , [Jesse]_454-jesse . Say hello to karma . ” [My]_{1610-poor baby} situation makes [me]_{1610-poor baby} the laughingstock of [the whole group]_{3084-the whole group} , including [[my]_{1610-poor baby} wife]_26-maddie , who reaches for [my]_{1610-poor baby} face and gives it a sarcastic pat . “_{[1610-poor baby]} [Poor baby]_{1610-poor baby} . ” “_{[1610-poor baby]} Be quiet . [I]_0-i ’ve got [my]_0-i head around it now . ” “_[0-i] Head around what ? ” [Kate]_194-kate asks , handing [Betty]_{424-elizabeth} to [a laughing Sam]_{3086-a laughing sam} . [He]_{1610-poor baby} just ca n’t contain [himself]_{1610-poor baby} , jerking [[his]_{1610-poor baby} girl]_{424-elizabeth} in [his]_{1610-poor baby} arms as [he]_{1610-poor baby} wipes at [his]_{1610-poor baby} eyes . “_[54-raya] [Raya]_54-raya ’s pregnant , ” [he]_{1610-poor baby} tells [her]_54-raya . “_[54-raya] Oh God , [[you]_1611-you guys]_{2324-you guys} ! ” [Kate]_194-kate gushes . “_[238-ava] And so is [Ava]_238-ava . ” “_[238-ava] What the fuck ? ” [She]_194-kate swings around , blue eyes wide , [her]_194-kate red hair whipping [her]_194-kate face . “_[238-ava] See . ” [Ava]_238-ava chucks a heavy hand in the air . “_[238-ava] This is exactly why [I]_0-i did n’t want to tell [anyone]_305-anyone today . Now [I]_0-i feel like [I]_0-i ’ve stolen two lots of thunder . ” [Raya]_54-raya muscles [me]_0-i out of the way and puts a comforting arm around [Ava]_238-ava ’s waist . “_[0-i] Are [you]_1611-you kidding [me]_0-i ? [I]_0-i ca n’t wait to be expecting with [you]_1611-you . [You]_1611-you ’re a pro . [I]_0-i ’m gon na need all the help [I]_0-i can get . ” [I]_1614-we could kiss [the woman]_26-maddie . [She]_26-maddie could n’t have said a nicer thing at a better time . “_[1614-we] [We]_1614-we ’ll be [the baby club]_{1615-the baby club} ! ” [Kate]_194-kate sings , delighted . “_[1614-we] [We]_1614-we have n’t told [the twins]_{2012-the twins} yet . ” That worry [I]_1614-we do n’t like passes over [Ava]_238-ava ’s face . [Everyone]_283-everyone looks across to the drinks table , where [Jacob]_60-jacob is cracking the caps off bottles of beer for [the men]_{2252-the men} , and [Georgia]_58-georgia and [Maddie]_26-maddie are still happily pouring punch . “_[1614-we] Does [Georgia]_58-georgia know ? ” [I]_58-georgia ask . “_[58-georgia] Yes . ” [Raya]_54-raya beams . “_[1617-she] [She]_1617-she ’s more excited than [Drew]_53-drew . ” “_[1617-she] Here ’s to [babies]_1059-babies , ” [Sam]_50-sam whisper - hisses , raising [his]_50-sam glass as [he]_50-sam bends toward [us]_1614-we . “_{[1059-babies]} To [babies]_1059-babies , ” [we]_1614-we all chant quietly , leaning into [our]_1614-we little circle and laughing . * * * Good food , good company , amazing venue , superb occasion . It ’s been a fucking brilliant day , [everyone together]_283-everyone , and after [Drew]_53-drew and [Raya]_54-raya have had [their]_283-everyone first dance to [Eric Clapton]_{151-eric clapton} ’s “_{[1059-babies]} Wonderful Tonight , ” [the other guests]_{3090-the other guests} are invited onto the floor to join [them]_{3090-the other guests} . [I]_1059-babies look across the table to [Ava]_238-ava , [her]_238-ava attention split between [the happy couple]_{3091-the happy couple} and [Betty]_{424-elizabeth} sleeping in [Kate]_194-kate ’s arms . It ’s how [she]_194-kate ’s been all day , distracted . [She]_194-kate ’s imagining [[our]_1614-we family]_{1407-our family} with [one more person]_{3093-one more person} . [I]_1059-babies am , too . The song fades off , and another begins . [My]_1059-babies heart skips too many beats as [Ava]_238-ava darts [her]_194-kate eyes across to [me]_1059-babies , and [I]_1059-babies wonder if this is a purposeful move on [Drew]_53-drew ’s part . [I]_1059-babies shoot [him]_53-drew a look on the dance floor , [his]_53-drew expression telling [me]_1059-babies everything . [My]_1059-babies eyes thank [him]_53-drew as [I]_1059-babies slowly return [my]_1059-babies gaze to [[my]_1059-babies wife]_26-maddie , [my]_1059-babies heart booming nervously . [I]_1059-babies smile when [I]_1059-babies find [her]_26-maddie still watching [me]_1059-babies , and [I]_1059-babies nod mildly , telling [her]_26-maddie that the recognition happening in [her]_26-maddie head is right . [I]_1059-babies rise to [my]_1059-babies feet and walk slowly around the table , holding out [my]_1059-babies hand to [Ava]_238-ava as “_{[1059-babies]} Chasing Cars ” plays . “_[26-maddie] If [you]_1619-you have no better offers . ” [I]_26-maddie raise a cocky eyebrow , blinded by [her]_26-maddie shy smile as [she]_26-maddie gets to [her]_26-maddie feet . “_[26-maddie] Never will . ” [I]_77-mummy walk [her]_26-maddie onto the floor , nodding at [Drew]_53-drew to tell [him]_53-drew today is a job well done as [I]_77-mummy pull [Ava]_238-ava into [my]_77-mummy chest , one arm around [her]_26-maddie shoulders , [my]_77-mummy spare hand resting on [her]_26-maddie waist . “_[77-mummy] Hey , [Mummy]_77-mummy , ” [I]_77-mummy whisper down at [her]_26-maddie , starting to slowly sway [us]_3095-us . “_[77-mummy] Hey , [Daddy]_26-maddie . ” [I]_26-maddie feel an overwhelming sense of contentment flourish inside [me]_26-maddie . It tells [me]_26-maddie that this is right . [I]_26-maddie wo n’t ever argue with the Fates , and [the Fates]_{3096-the fates} want to give [us]_3095-us [another baby]_{2850-another baby} . “_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i love [you]_26-maddie , [woman]_26-maddie , ” [I]_26-maddie say , pulling [her]_26-maddie closer , [her]_26-maddie head settling in [my]_26-maddie chest . [I]_26-maddie rest [mine]_26-maddie atop of [hers]_26-maddie , continuing to move slowly on the spot , taking an age to turn a full circle . “_[26-maddie] So [you]_26-maddie ’ll be there on Tuesday ? For the scan ? ” “_[0-i] Just try to stop [me]_0-i . ” [I]_0-i smile into [her]_26-maddie hair . “_[0-i] And when do [you]_26-maddie want to tell [the kids]_{2242-both of them} ? ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i do n’t want [them]_{2242-both of them} to think [I]_0-i ’m replacing [them]_{2242-both of them} . Or replacing the memories of [their]_{2242-both of them} baby days with new ones . ” “_{[2242-both of them]} Do n’t be daft . [They]_{2242-both of them} ’d never think that . ” [I]_{2242-both of them} feel [her]_26-maddie chest press against [mine]_26-maddie , [her]_26-maddie inhale long and deep , as [I]_{2242-both of them} catch [the twins]_{2242-both of them} across the way watching [us]_{2242-both of them} . [Both of [them]_{2242-both of them}]_{2242-both of them} are smiling , [Jacob]_60-jacob with [his]_60-jacob arm around [[his]_60-jacob sister]_{2209-his sister} . [Me]_{2242-both of them} and [Ava]_238-ava , [we]_{2242-both of them} make [them]_{2242-both of them} happy . Just being together . [I]_{2242-both of them} flick [my]_{2242-both of them} head at [them]_{2242-both of them} , ordering them over . [I]_{2242-both of them} expect a protest , but neither does . In fact , [they]_{2242-both of them} ’re quite speedy across the floor . “_{[2242-both of them]} [We]_1621-our have company , ” [I]_26-maddie say to [Ava]_238-ava , gently nudging [her]_238-ava from [my]_26-maddie chest . [She]_238-ava looks around and finds [them]_{2242-both of them} , smiling and opening one arm as [she]_238-ava keeps [her]_238-ava hold of [me]_26-maddie with the other , inviting [them]_{2242-both of them} in . [Maddie]_26-maddie and [Jacob]_60-jacob join [us]_1621-our , and [our]_1621-our little huddle continues to turn on the spot , [mine]_26-maddie and [Ava]_238-ava ’s heads above [the twins]_{2010-the kids} , [her]_238-ava eyes on [mine]_26-maddie . Love . It ’s blasting through [me]_26-maddie unstoppably , lighting [my]_26-maddie veins , warming [my]_26-maddie soul . This is just about fucking perfect . And then [Ava]_238-ava reaches across and presses a kiss to [my]_26-maddie mouth , a soft kiss , a lingering kiss . And [I]_26-maddie ’m proven wrong . Now , this is perfect . And it ’s the perfect time to share [our]_1621-our news . “_[26-maddie] [Maddie]_26-maddie , [Jacob]_60-jacob , ” [I]_60-jacob say , pulling both [their]_{2010-the kids} little faces up from [their]_{2010-the kids} hiding places . “_[60-jacob] [Your]_60-jacob mum and [I]_0-i have something to tell [you]_60-jacob . ” [Ava]_238-ava ’s eyes widen a fraction , but [I]_0-i make sure [she]_238-ava sees the reassurance in [mine]_0-i . “_[0-i] What ? ” [the kids]_{2010-the kids} ask in unison , heads swinging back and forth to [me]_0-i and [Ava]_238-ava . “_[0-i] What is it ? ” [Jacob]_60-jacob ’s face falls . “_[0-i] Is [Mum]_32-mum okay ? Are [you]_60-jacob okay , [Mum]_32-mum ? ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m fine , [darling]_79-darling . ” [She]_32-mum kisses [his]_60-jacob head , and [he]_60-jacob settles immediately . “_[0-i] Trust [me]_0-i , [I]_0-i ’m so fine . ” “_[0-i] Then what ’s up ? ” [I]_0-i breathe in and release [our]_3100-our announcement on a stream of air . “_[0-i] There ’s going to be [another someone for [me]_0-i]_{1622-another someone for me} to go crazy over . ” Frowns . Two very deep frowns . And [Ava]_238-ava laughs , though does n’t correct [me]_0-i . “_[0-i] What [[your]_60-jacob dad]_{240-my boy} means is”—she takes over , clearly thinking [she]_238-ava can break the news better than [I]_{1412-a baby} can—“I’m_{[1412-a baby]} having [a baby]_{1412-a baby} . ” [She]_238-ava holds [her]_238-ava breath , waiting for [their]_3101-their reactions . [Please]_152-please , [guys]_1437-guys , do n’t go off the deep end . “_{[1412-a baby]} [A baby]_{1412-a baby} ? ” [Jacob]_60-jacob asks , flipping a frown to [me]_1626-sister . “_{[1626-sister]} Like [a little brother]_{1625-a little brother} or [sister]_1626-sister ? ” [I]_1626-sister do n’t mention the fact that [I]_1626-sister ’m praying , proper praying , that it ’s [a boy]_{2042-a boy} , because [any more women in [my]_1626-sister life]_{3104-any more women in my life} will be the death of [me]_1626-sister . “_{[1626-sister]} That ’s right . ” [They]_{3104-any more women in my life} ’re quiet , obviously mulling over the bombshell . And then “_{[1626-sister]} Chasing Cars ” fades to nothing and it ’s silent , except for the light chatter around [us]_3105-us . [Good Lord]_{3106-good lord} , [they]_{3104-any more women in my life} need to say something quick before [Ava]_238-ava has a meltdown . “_{[1412-a baby]} [A baby]_{1412-a baby} , ” [Maddie]_26-maddie hums . “_{[1412-a baby]} [A baby]_{1412-a baby} . ” [Jacob]_60-jacob tilts [his]_60-jacob head , ever [the one]_{2033-the one} to really ponder things . Then [they]_{3104-any more women in my life} look at [each other]_{2249-each other} and grin . And [they]_{3104-any more women in my life} laugh . [They]_{3104-any more women in my life} laugh so fucking hard . [Ava]_238-ava and [I]_{1412-a baby} toss bewildered looks at each other , silently asking one another if [we]_3109-we have any clue what ’s so funny . [We]_3109-we do n’t . So [I]_{1412-a baby} ask , “_{[1412-a baby]} What ’s tickled [you]_{1412-a baby} two ? ” “_{[1412-a baby]} Oh [[my]_0-i God]_26-maddie , [Dad]_1256-dad , [you]_{1412-a baby} ’re so old ! ” [Maddie]_26-maddie chuckles . [I]_1256-dad ’ve never sworn at [[my]_1256-dad kids]_{261-my kids} . Not ever , and it ’s taking everything in [me]_1256-dad , and then some , not to break that rule now . [Ava]_238-ava does n’t help when [she]_238-ava snorts unattractively , holding [her]_238-ava hand over [her]_238-ava nose . But [Jacob]_60-jacob , [God]_373-god bless [[my]_1256-dad boy]_60-jacob , comes straight to [me]_1256-dad and shakes [my]_1256-dad hand . “_[1256-dad] Congratulations , [Dad]_1256-dad . ” [I]_263-argh have to swallow before [I]_263-argh speak . “_[263-argh] Cheers , [mate]_263-argh . ” [I]_263-argh could cuddle [him]_60-jacob as [he]_60-jacob throws [his]_60-jacob arms around [[his]_60-jacob mum]_32-mum and hugs [her]_32-mum with force . “_[263-argh] [I]_0-i love [you]_263-argh , [Mum]_32-mum . ” Fuck [me]_32-mum . [I]_32-mum blink to keep the tears at bay , but [Ava]_238-ava does n’t manage to . [She]_238-ava ’s full - on crying as [she]_238-ava pulls [Maddie]_26-maddie in , too , [her]_238-ava face going straight between [their]_3111-their heads . “_[32-mum] [I]_0-i love [you]_263-argh both . So much . ” [I]_32-mum ’m a big fat mess of [a man]_{224-a man} . Totally fucked , and [I]_32-mum do n’t care who sees as [I]_32-mum haul [[my]_32-mum family]_{358-my family} into [me]_32-mum . [My]_32-mum life is held in [my]_32-mum hands in this moment . [[My]_32-mum wife]_{2508-the baby} , [[my]_32-mum babies]_{2508-the baby} . And a new life . Chapter 50 As [I]_32-mum drive [Ava]_238-ava to [her]_238-ava appointment on Tuesday , [my]_32-mum mind is reeling with constant questions . Should [we]_3115-we tell [Dr. Peters]_{74-dr. peters} about the pregnancy ? Are the risks higher given [her]_238-ava condition ? [She]_238-ava ’s forgetting things all the while . Small things , but still things . Will [she]_238-ava need another CAT scan and will it risk [the baby]_{2508-the baby} ’s health if [she]_238-ava does ? And [her]_238-ava age , not that [I]_32-mum would ever mention that to [Ava]_238-ava . [She]_238-ava ’s not in [her]_238-ava twenties anymore . [My]_32-mum head begins to ache . “_[32-mum] Stop it , ” [Ava]_238-ava says across [the car]_{2161-the car} , looking at [me]_32-mum like [she]_238-ava knows what [I]_32-mum ’m thinking . [She]_238-ava undoubtedly does . [[My]_32-mum wife]_238-ava can read [me]_32-mum like a book . Now , given the dam holding back [her]_238-ava memories , [I]_32-mum ’m even more amazed at [her]_238-ava ability . [Her]_238-ava hand lands on [my]_32-mum thigh . [I]_32-mum breathe out deeply and squeeze [her]_238-ava fingers . “_[32-mum] Why do n’t [you]_1629-my tell [me]_0-i about [our]_1630-our first scan with [the twins]_{2012-the twins} , ” [she]_238-ava suggests , clearly trying to distract [me]_1629-my from [my]_1629-my worry . It works . [My]_1629-my sharp bout of laughter fills [the car]_{3117-my stolen car} . That moment . The lack of feeling in [my]_1629-my legs when [the doctor]_{2188-the doctor} pointed to two heartbeats . [I]_1629-my did n’t know whether to laugh or cry . But [my]_1629-my amusement fades when [I]_1629-my remember how [we]_1630-our came to be in [hospital]_{1334-hospital} having an unscheduled scan . A scan to check if [[my]_1629-my babies]_{216-my babies} were still alive . [My]_1629-my stomach turns , endless flashbacks assaulting [my]_1629-my mind — [Ava]_238-ava ’s accident , [[my]_1629-my stolen car]_{3117-my stolen car} … the sight of blood trickling down [her]_238-ava bare leg . [I]_1629-my shudder , and [I]_1629-my know [Ava]_238-ava feels it because [she]_238-ava shifts in [her]_238-ava seat , facing [me]_1629-my , looking at [my]_1629-my disposition with a roadmap of lines on [her]_238-ava forehead . “_[1629-my] What is it , [Jesse]_454-jesse ? [You]_454-jesse ’re white as a sheet . ” “_[454-jesse] Nothing . ” Shit , [I]_454-jesse need to pull [myself]_454-jesse around . [I]_454-jesse summon a smile to reassure [her]_238-ava . There will be no mention of [[my]_454-jesse stolen car]_{3117-my stolen car} or how [the driver]_{927-the driver} ran [Ava]_238-ava off [the road]_{2159-the road} . That was the beginning of the events that would lead to the worst moments of [our]_1632-us lives . [She]_238-ava does n’t need that information . Not now . Maybe never . “_[454-jesse] The day of [our]_1632-us first scan , ” [I]_454-jesse muse , refocusing [my]_454-jesse attention on [the road]_{2159-the road} . “_[454-jesse] [You]_454-jesse did n’t know [I]_0-i was [a twin]_{1633-a twin} back then . ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i did n’t ? ” [She]_238-ava sounds surprised , and that should n’t be surprising . “_[0-i] Why ? ” [I]_0-i shrug a little , all casual . “_[0-i] [You]_454-jesse know by now that [I]_0-i had a past . That was one of the most painful parts , and talking about it was n’t high on [my]_0-i agenda . ” [I]_{2188-the doctor} turn a smile onto [her]_238-ava when [she]_238-ava tightens [her]_238-ava grip around [mine]_0-i . “_{[2188-the doctor]} When [the doctor]_{2188-the doctor} told [us]_1632-us there were two heartbeats in that tummy of [yours]_1635-yours , [I]_0-i went into shock . ” [She]_238-ava chuckles lightly , the sound so sweet and pure , [her]_238-ava hand lowering to [her]_238-ava stomach and circling . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i never anticipated [twins]_1385-twins , and when [I]_0-i found out [we]_1632-us were having them , [I]_0-i was catapulted back to a time [I]_0-i always kept buried . ” Now [her]_238-ava smile is sad , as is [mine]_0-i . So [I]_{2188-the doctor} decide to rid [us]_1632-us of the downhearted atmosphere , because , ultimately , it was a wonderful moment . Once [I]_{2188-the doctor} ’d got past the shock . “_{[2188-the doctor]} [The doctor]_{2188-the doctor} told [us]_1632-us [he]_{2188-the doctor} could hear two perfect heartbeats . Just like that . Two . It came from [left field]_{2687-left field} . ” [I]_0-i laugh a little , remembering with perfect clarity the weightlessness of [my]_0-i body in that moment , because there was a heartbeat to be heard , and that was a relief beyond no other after the accident , but there was also a sense of utter confusion that came with it . “_[0-i] [My]_0-i brain must have malfunctioned , because all [I]_0-i remember thinking was , [[my]_0-i baby]_{1638-my baby} has two hearts ? [I]_0-i think [I]_0-i actually said it , too . ” [Ava]_238-ava bursts out laughing . The sound and [her]_238-ava clear amusement has [me]_0-i laughing , too . This is what it ’s all about . The good stuff , the happy memories . [I]_0-i keep questioning [my]_0-i decision to hold back on the crappy shit , but when [I]_0-i see [her]_238-ava like this , so joyful and spirited , that questioning is masked by the sight of [her]_238-ava looking so contented . “_[0-i] [You]_1639-you thought it was rather amusing at the time , too . ” [I]_1639-you flash [her]_238-ava a devilish smirk . “_[1639-you] [You]_1639-you savage . ” “_[1639-you] So that was when [you]_1639-you told [me]_0-i about [[your]_1639-you brother]_{1640-your brother} ? ” [I]_1639-you nod , pulling into [the car park of [the hospital]_{384-the hospital}]_{384-the hospital} . “_[1639-you] It seemed like the right moment . [We]_1641-we had a bath , [you]_1639-you lay on [me]_0-i forever , and [I]_0-i shared the story of [me]_0-i and [Jacob]_60-jacob . ” [I]_0-i flip [her]_238-ava a wink . “_[0-i] Then [we]_1641-we came together in the tub . ” “_[1641-we] Seems like a damn fine way to finish off an emotionally stressful day . ” Oh , [she]_238-ava has no idea . “_[1641-we] When [I]_0-i ’m lost in [you]_1639-you , there ’s no room in [my]_0-i mind for anything else . [You]_1639-you ’re the best kind of relief , [Ava]_238-ava . Always have been , always will be . ” [I]_238-ava zip into a parking space and turn off the engine , turning to face [her]_238-ava . “_[238-ava] As long as [you]_1639-you always remember that , [you]_1639-you and [I]_0-i will be just fine . ” [She]_238-ava does n’t protest [my]_0-i claim , does n’t even flash [me]_0-i a displeased look . Instead , [she]_238-ava crawls across [the car]_{2161-the car} and puts [herself]_238-ava on [my]_0-i lap . [Her]_238-ava dark eyes are shining , true contentment reflecting back at [me]_0-i . Pushing [her]_238-ava forehead to [mine]_0-i , [she]_238-ava sighs into [my]_0-i face as [my]_0-i palms hold [her]_238-ava waist . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i will always remember that , ” [she]_238-ava vows , and [I]_0-i wince , hoping [she]_238-ava did n’t misinterpret [my]_0-i statement . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i was n’t suggesting [you]_1642-you should give up all of [your]_1642-you memories just if [you]_1642-you remember that . ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i know [you]_1642-you were n’t . ” [Her]_238-ava hands lay over [my]_0-i cheeks , [her]_238-ava gaze sinking into [mine]_0-i . “_[0-i] But [you]_1642-you ’re right . [I]_0-i may have to accept that [I]_0-i ’ve found all the memories [I]_0-i ’m going to find , and [you]_1642-you have to , too , [Jesse]_454-jesse . ” [Her]_238-ava words are soft , pacifying , and the fact [she]_238-ava ’s right strikes [me]_454-jesse painfully . That ’s the reality of it . “_[454-jesse] [I]_0-i ’ve got the most important things . [You]_1642-you , and [the twins]_{2012-the twins} . And [my]_0-i life . ” [I]_238-ava glance away , a pain so intense bolting through [me]_238-ava , making [me]_238-ava flinch . “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava , do n’t . ” “_[238-ava] But [I]_0-i ’m right . ” [She]_238-ava forces [my]_0-i face back to [hers]_238-ava . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’ve thought about nothing but . [I]_0-i know this is where [I]_0-i ’m supposed to be . With [you]_1642-you and [those two gorgeous kids]_{1644-those two gorgeous kids} . The love [I]_0-i have inside [me]_0-i is fierce , and it tells [me]_0-i above all things that [I]_0-i ’m [home]_201-home . [I]_0-i can sacrifice a few memories for the sake of that feeling . [You]_1642-you need to be with [me]_0-i on this . Continue to tell [me]_0-i the things that matter , but do n’t beat [yourself]_1642-you up when it does n’t trigger anything . [You]_1642-you ’ll kill [yourself]_1642-you off with stress . [I]_0-i need [you]_1642-you . Now more than ever . ” Fuck , [I]_0-i have a wobbly lip . How can [she]_3125-her be so together ? [I]_0-i absorb [her]_3125-her every word , but there are a few in [her]_3125-her statement that resonate deeply . Continue to tell [me]_0-i the things that matter . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i will . ” [My]_1646-i voice is thick with emotion , and [my]_1646-i head is thick with a nasty mixture of shame and determination . It may seem cowardly , but [I]_1646-i ignore [the former]_{3126-the former} and kiss [her]_3125-her deeply , taking the relief [I]_1646-i find in [our]_1646-i intimacies . “_[1646-i] [We]_1646-i ’ll be late . ” [I]_1646-i nibble the corner of [her]_3125-her mouth and break away , opening the car door . “_[1646-i] Let ’s go meet [[our]_1646-i baby]_{1647-our baby} . ” The happy gleam in [her]_3125-her eyes pulls [me]_1646-i back from the brink of some confessions . It ’s [my]_1646-i job to protect [her]_3125-her , and that is exactly what [I]_1646-i ’m doing . * * * [She]_3125-her ’s turning the pages of [her]_3125-her magazine at an epic rate , telling [me]_1646-i [they]_3127-they ’re not being read , just skimmed . It ’s something to keep [her]_3125-her occupied while [we]_1646-i wait to be called . Something to busy [her]_3125-her fidgety hands . The moment [we]_1646-i sat down , any semblance of [her]_3125-her calmness fled . It ’s got [me]_1646-i all nervous . [I]_1646-i place a hand on [her]_3125-her magazine , blocking the next page turn . [She]_3125-her looks up at [me]_1646-i . “_[1646-i] What ’s up ? ” [I]_238-ava ask . [She]_3125-her tosses the magazine on the table in front of [us]_1646-i , closes [her]_3125-her eyes , and starts to breathe in long , carefully controlled breaths . “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava , [baby]_194-kate , what ’s the matter ? ” “_[238-ava] Look around , [Jesse]_454-jesse , ” [she]_3125-her practically whispers , making a quick scope of [the waiting room]_{2811-the waiting room} [herself]_3125-her . “_[454-jesse] [All these couples]_{1649-all these couples} . ” [We]_{1649-all these couples} ’re one of [six couples here]_{3129-six couples here} . [You]_{1649-all these couples} ’d think given the condition of [these women]_{1649-all these couples} , [they]_{1649-all these couples} ’d give [them]_{1649-all these couples} something a little more comfortable than these plastic chairs to sit on . With that thought , [I]_0-i collect [Ava]_238-ava from the hard chair beside [me]_0-i and put [her]_238-ava on [my]_0-i far comfier lap . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i do n’t follow , ” [I]_1650-i admit , ignoring the interested looks of [the other men in [the waiting room]_{2811-the waiting room}]_{3130-the other men in the waiting room} . [They]_{3130-the other men in the waiting room} should take a leaf out of [my]_1650-i book . [[Their]_{3130-the other men in the waiting room} wives]_{3131-their wives} ’ arses must be numb . [Mine]_1650-i ’s not far from it . “_[1650-i] [They]_1650-i ’re all so young . ” Well , ouch . [She]_238-ava may as well have just kicked [me]_1650-i in the gut . [I]_1650-i glance around , noting [she]_238-ava ’s not far off the mark . With the realization comes another bout of doubt . Doubt . It ’s a bastard thing , can worm its way into the most confident of [men]_696-men and eat [him]_696-men alive from the inside out . Well , [I]_1650-i wo n’t let it . [My]_1650-i chest swells and [my]_1650-i chin rises . And [I]_1650-i glare at all the twenty- and thirtysomething fathers - to - be , unable to stop [myself]_1650-i . [I]_1650-i might be fifty , but [I]_1650-i ’m more man than [any of [them]_1650-i]_{2472-any of them} . “_[1650-i] [They]_1650-i might be younger , [baby]_194-kate , but [we]_1652-we have experience . ” [I]_1653-i nod decisively . “_[1653-i] [You]_1653-i do , perhaps . ” [Her]_1653-i counter is quiet , unsure , and [I]_1653-i realize [my]_1653-i error in a heartbeat . Fuck . Shut the fuck up , [Ward]_238-ava . “_[1653-i] [I]_0-i ca n’t remember a thing . ” [My]_1653-i face softens . “_[1653-i] Stop that now , ” [I]_1653-i order harshly , hating the sound of this sudden doubt in [her]_194-kate , too . “_[1653-i] When [Kate]_194-kate went into labor , [you]_194-kate knew just what to do . Like everything , it ’s all still inside [you]_194-kate . ” [I]_194-kate reach for [her]_194-kate nose and circle the end with the tip of [my]_194-kate finger . “_[194-kate] Pack it in . ” Softening on [my]_238-ava lap , [she]_194-kate nods , grabbing all of [my]_238-ava reassurance with everything [she]_194-kate has . [I]_238-ava give [myself]_238-ava a swift mental slap , telling [myself]_238-ava to never let [her]_194-kate see [my]_238-ava uncertainty again . It ’s full steam ahead . “_[238-ava] [Ava Ward]_238-ava . ” [We]_3134-we both look across [[the doctor]_{2188-the doctor} ’s waiting room]_{3136-the doctor ’s waiting room} to see [a white - coated lady with wild purple hair]_{3137-a white - coated lady with wild purple hair} and a few too many piercings in [her]_{3137-a white - coated lady with wild purple hair} ears . [Her]_{3137-a white - coated lady with wild purple hair} look is harsh , though [her]_{3137-a white - coated lady with wild purple hair} smile is friendly . “_[238-ava] Up [you]_1654-you get . ” [I]_238-ava put [Ava]_238-ava on [her]_238-ava feet , patting down [my]_238-ava pocket when [my]_238-ava phone rings . “_[238-ava] It ’s [the school]_{2041-the school} . ” [I]_238-ava doubt there is a parent in [the land whose heart]_{3138-the land whose heart} does n’t miss a beat or ten when [they]_{2010-the kids} take a call from [[[their]_{2010-the kids} kid]_{3139-their kid} ’s school]_{3140-their kid ’s school} . [Mine]_238-ava just missed a hundred . [I]_238-ava connect the call , working hard to keep [my]_238-ava voice stable and [my]_238-ava stress level out of heart attack territory . “_[238-ava] Hello ? ” “_{[57-mr. ward]} [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} , it ’s [Mrs. Chilton]_{68-mrs. chilton} . ” “_{[68-mrs. chilton]} Is everything okay ? [The kids]_{2010-the kids} ? ” “_{[2010-the kids]} Everything is fine , [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} . No need to worry . ” Those words are fucking golden , and [I]_{57-mr. ward} nod to [Ava]_238-ava ’s worried face , silently telling [her]_238-ava not to stress . [I]_{57-mr. ward} ’m aware of [the sonographer]_{3141-the sonographer} waiting for [us]_3142-us and hold up a finger in indication that [I]_{57-mr. ward} ’ll be just a moment . “_{[57-mr. ward]} Then why the call ? ” “_[26-maddie] [Maddie]_26-maddie seems to have developed a bit of a headache . ” [I]_26-maddie still , staring down the line , [my]_26-maddie eyes narrowing to suspicious slits . [Ava]_238-ava cocks [her]_238-ava head in question , so [I]_26-maddie quickly cover the mouthpiece of [my]_26-maddie phone to enlighten [her]_238-ava . “_[26-maddie] [Maddie]_26-maddie has a headache . ” “_[26-maddie] But [she]_26-maddie was fine this morning . ” “_[26-maddie] Yes , [she]_26-maddie was . [She]_26-maddie was also rather put out that [she]_26-maddie could n’t come to the scan . ” [I]_26-maddie raise [my]_26-maddie eyebrows , telling [[my]_26-maddie lovely wife]_26-maddie to catch up . “_[26-maddie] Oh , the little minx . ” [She]_26-maddie ’s got that right . “_[26-maddie] [Mrs. Chilton]_{68-mrs. chilton} , can [you]_{68-mrs. chilton} put [her]_26-maddie on the line ? ” “_{[68-mrs. chilton]} Of course . One second . ” There ’s a few crackles down the line , and while [I]_{68-mrs. chilton} wait for [[my]_{68-mrs. chilton} fraudulent baby]_{3143-my fraudulent baby} to prep [herself]_26-maddie to speak to [[her]_26-maddie father]_{2507-her father} , [I]_{68-mrs. chilton} give [Ava]_238-ava a little nod . “_{[68-mrs. chilton]} [You]_{68-mrs. chilton} go . [I]_0-i ’ll be there in two secs when [I]_0-i ’ve sorted out [[our]_1657-our girl]_{1490-baby girl} . ” [Ava]_238-ava shakes [her]_238-ava head , dismayed , but with a fond smile as [she]_238-ava disappears into [the room]_{202-the room} . “_[0-i] H … ell … o , ” [Maddie]_26-maddie says , sounding like [she]_238-ava ’s swallowed acid and a pile of rusty nails . [[My]_194-kate girl]_{1490-baby girl} needs to remember there ’s not much that gets past [me]_194-kate . “_[194-kate] Hey , [baby]_194-kate , ” [I]_194-kate coo . “_[194-kate] H - hey [Daddy]_26-maddie . ” [Daddy]_26-maddie ? Oh , [she]_238-ava ’s working it better than any [Oscar]_153-oscar winner [I]_26-maddie ’ve known . [I]_26-maddie move to the side of [the room]_{202-the room} , leaning a shoulder against the wall . “_[26-maddie] What ’s up , [baby girl]_{1490-baby girl} ? ” [I]_{1490-baby girl} play along with [her]_{1490-baby girl} , smiling as [I]_{1490-baby girl} do . “_{[1490-baby girl]} Tell [Daddy]_26-maddie . ” “_[26-maddie] [My]_0-i tummy aches . ” [My]_26-maddie eyebrows jump up . “_[26-maddie] That ’s funny . [Mrs. Chilton]_{68-mrs. chilton} said [you]_{68-mrs. chilton} have a headache . ” “_{[68-mrs. chilton]} B … b … both , ” [she]_238-ava croaks . “_{[68-mrs. chilton]} And having a headache and an achy tummy makes [your]_{68-mrs. chilton} voice poorly , too , does it ? ” Silence . “_{[68-mrs. chilton]} Well ? ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i have a sore throat , too ! ” [she]_238-ava snaps indignantly , each word perfectly clear . “_[0-i] [My]_0-i , [my]_0-i , [you]_0-i are in a pickle . ” Pushing [my]_0-i shoulder off the wall , [I]_0-i make [my]_0-i way to [the room]_{202-the room} where [Ava]_238-ava ’s waiting for [me]_0-i . “_[0-i] Listen here , [madam]_0-i . Ever heard of [the boy who cried wolf]_{1660-the boy who cried wolf} ? ” “_{[1660-the boy who cried wolf]} No . ” “_{[1660-the boy who cried wolf]} Google it . Do n’t think [I]_0-i do n’t know [your]_0-i game , [missy]_0-i . [I]_0-i have to go . [[Your]_{68-mrs. chilton} mother]_{39-your mother} ’s waiting for [me]_0-i . ” “_{[39-your mother]} [I]_0-i want to see [the new baby]_{1490-baby girl} , ” [she]_{39-your mother} whines down the line , fake crying after . “_{[1490-baby girl]} It ’s not fair . ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’ll get pictures , ” [I]_0-i assure [her]_{1490-baby girl} . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i promise . ” Really , [I]_{1490-baby girl} ’m just grateful [both of [them]_{2242-both of them}]_{2242-both of them} have accepted this news with no major drama . Except , of course , fake illnesses . “_{[1490-baby girl]} [Baby girl]_{1490-baby girl} , there ’s really not much to see at the moment . It ’s a peanut . [You]_{68-mrs. chilton} can come to the twenty - week scan , okay ? ” “_{[68-mrs. chilton]} Really ? ” The delight in [her]_{1490-baby girl} voice pinches [my]_{68-mrs. chilton} heart . “_{[68-mrs. chilton]} [You]_{68-mrs. chilton} promise ? ” Smiling as [I]_{68-mrs. chilton} take the handle of the door , [I]_{68-mrs. chilton} give [her]_{1490-baby girl} what [she]_{1490-baby girl} wants . “_{[68-mrs. chilton]} Promise . ” [I]_{68-mrs. chilton} push [my]_{68-mrs. chilton} way into [the room]_{202-the room} , finding [Ava]_238-ava already on the bed with [her]_238-ava T - shirt pulled up around [her]_238-ava bra . “_{[68-mrs. chilton]} Now get back to class , [you]_{68-mrs. chilton} little scoundrel . ” [I]_{68-mrs. chilton} hang up after [she]_238-ava ’s sung [her]_238-ava good - bye and join [Ava]_238-ava , standing by the side of the bed . “_{[68-mrs. chilton]} Sorry about that . ” “_{[68-mrs. chilton]} No problem , [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} . [We]_1663-i were just getting set up . ” [The purple - haired sonographer]_{3141-the sonographer} presses a few buttons and squeezes lashings of gel on [Ava]_238-ava ’s abdomen . “_[1663-i] Are [we]_1663-i ready ? ” Good question , [I]_1663-i think as [I]_1663-i stare at the blank monitor , feeling [Ava]_238-ava squeeze [my]_1663-i hand . [I]_1663-i smile , returning [her]_238-ava gesture . “_[1663-i] Ready , ” [I]_1663-i say as a loud swooshing noise fills [the room]_{202-the room} . [Ava]_238-ava ’s head drops to the side to see the screen , [my]_1663-i spare hand joining the one holding [hers]_238-ava . For a long , long while , [the sonographer]_{3141-the sonographer} works in silence , moving the scanner around [Ava]_238-ava ’s stomach while flicking dials and pressing buttons , [her]_238-ava attention centered on the screen . [I]_1663-i do n’t remember it taking this long before . Is there something wrong ? Anxiety grows within [me]_1663-i , silly thoughts running rampant in [my]_1663-i mind . What if the tests have been wrong ? Could there have been a mistake ? What will [she]_238-ava do if [we]_3151-we ’re told there is , in fact , [no baby]_{3152-no baby} in there ? [She]_238-ava ’ll be distraught . This pregnancy has given [her]_238-ava new hope . [I]_1663-i ca n’t see that snatched away from [her]_238-ava . Fear of the cruelest kind slithers through [my]_1663-i veins as [I]_1663-i glance from the screen , to [the sonographer]_{3141-the sonographer} , to [Ava]_238-ava , over and over . “_[1663-i] There . ” There ’s a few clicks of buttons , and the motions of the scanner pause on [Ava]_238-ava ’s lower stomach . [My]_1663-i muscles relax a little , and [Ava]_238-ava ’s grip tightens around [my]_1663-i hand . [The sonographer]_{3141-the sonographer} points at the screen , smiling . Or is [she]_238-ava frowning ? It ’s hard to tell from [her]_238-ava profile . “_[1663-i] What ? What is it ? ” [My]_{2508-the baby} body goes rigid . Please , [God]_373-god , tell [me]_{2508-the baby} everything is okay . “_{[2508-the baby]} Is [the baby]_{2508-the baby} okay ? ” [I]_{2508-the baby} hear [Ava]_238-ava ask through [my]_{2508-the baby} fog of panic . “_{[2508-the baby]} Yes , [the baby]_{2508-the baby} is fine . ” [She]_238-ava looks at [us]_3153-us , half - smiling , half - shocked . “_{[2508-the baby]} And so are [the other two]_{1665-the other two} . ” [Someone]_293-someone must have just poked [me]_{2508-the baby} with high voltage , because [I]_{2508-the baby} fly back , getting [my]_{2508-the baby} feet all tangled in the legs of a nearby chair . [I]_{2508-the baby} throw [my]_{2508-the baby} hands out as the wall gets closer , only just saving [myself]_{2508-the baby} from nutting the damn thing . “_{[2508-the baby]} What ? ” [I]_{2508-the baby} barely push the word out through [my]_{2508-the baby} crippling alarm . [The other two]_{1665-the other two} ? What does [she]_238-ava mean , the other two ? Two plus one . “_{[2508-the baby]} Three ? ” The one - word question is jagged and broken . “_{[2508-the baby]} Thr … ee ? ” “_{[2508-the baby]} Yes , [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} . Three perfect heartbeats . ” What the fuck ? [I]_{57-mr. ward} feel dizzy . [I]_{57-mr. ward} need to sit down . But [I]_{57-mr. ward} miss the seat of the chair , landing on the floor with a thud that seems to wake [me]_{57-mr. ward} from [my]_{57-mr. ward} nightmare . [I]_{57-mr. ward} quickly scramble up , but have to grab the wall to steady [myself]_{57-mr. ward} , [my]_{57-mr. ward} legs like jelly . “_{[57-mr. ward]} Three ? ” “_{[1638-my baby]} [[My]_0-i baby]_{1638-my baby} has three hearts ? ” [Ava]_238-ava asks , and [I]_0-i look up at [her]_{1638-my baby} on the bed , finding a dirty smirk on [her]_{1638-my baby} cheerful face . [My]_0-i brain is clearly on the lag , because all [I]_0-i ’m thinking is that ’s the stupidest fucking question that has ever been asked . [My]_0-i wide eyes jump from [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie to [the sonographer]_{3141-the sonographer} , [their]_{3141-the sonographer} faces a picture of amusement . What ? What ’s so damn well funny ? “_[0-i] [I]_0-i do n’t und … ” [I]_0-i fade off as realization begins to dawn on [me]_0-i , and [my]_0-i face screws up in disgust . [They]_{3141-the sonographer} got [me]_0-i . [They]_{3141-the sonographer} ’re fucking playing with [me]_0-i . If [I]_0-i were n’t so relieved , [I]_0-i ’d be fuming fucking mad . [My]_0-i jaw tight , [I]_0-i feel [my]_0-i round eyes slowly shrink until [they]_{3141-the sonographer} ’re angry slits . “_[0-i] That is the unfunniest joke that ’s ever been played . ” [I]_0-i find it in [myself]_0-i to release the wall [I]_0-i ’m still clinging to , all but stomping [my]_0-i way to the bed while [Ava]_238-ava cackles like the demented witch that [she]_238-ava is . “_[0-i] Fucking cruel , ” [I]_0-i add , crowding [her]_238-ava vibrating body on the bed and smashing [my]_0-i mouth to [hers]_238-ava . That soon shuts [her]_238-ava up . Yes , [I]_0-i ’m mad , but [I]_0-i ’m so fucking relieved , too . More relieved than mad . Pulling away , [I]_0-i scowl down at [her]_238-ava chirpy face . The satisfaction staring back at [me]_0-i diminishes [my]_0-i slight , so much so , [I]_0-i soon find [myself]_0-i smiling back . “_[0-i] Think [you]_1667-you ’re funny , do [you]_1667-you , [Mrs. Ward]_26-maddie ? ” [She]_26-maddie nods , the remnants of [her]_26-maddie amusement still evident in random , short , sharp chuckles as [she]_26-maddie works to calm [her]_26-maddie jerky body down . “_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i could n’t resist , ” [she]_26-maddie titters as [she]_26-maddie looks at [her]_26-maddie accomplice . “_[26-maddie] Thank [you]_1667-you . ” “_[1667-you] Yeah , thanks . ” [I]_1667-you fire a playful , filthy look across the bed to [the rogue sonographer]_{3157-the rogue sonographer} . “_[1667-you] Where do [you]_1667-you make a complaint around here ? ” [Her]_26-maddie face drops , and [Ava]_238-ava whacks [my]_1667-you arm . “_[1667-you] Do n’t be mean . [She]_26-maddie was just doing what [I]_0-i told [her]_26-maddie . ” “_[26-maddie] [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} , [I]_0-i ’m sorry if … ” [I]_{57-mr. ward} hold a hand up to stop [her]_26-maddie words and [her]_26-maddie panic . “_{[57-mr. ward]} Do n’t sweat it . [[My]_0-i wife]_26-maddie has a wicked sense of humor . ” [I]_26-maddie poke [Ava]_238-ava in the soft sensitive spot on [her]_26-maddie hip , making [her]_26-maddie jolt off the bed with a girlie squeal . “_[26-maddie] [You]_1667-you ’ll pay for that , [lady]_26-maddie . ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i know . ” [Her]_26-maddie simple reply makes [me]_0-i smile as [she]_26-maddie clenches [my]_0-i hand . “_[0-i] But now [you]_1667-you feel a whole lot better about only having one , do n’t [you]_1667-you ? ” [I]_1667-you ca n’t deny it . [I]_1667-you really do , and [I]_1667-you beat [myself]_1667-you up for a few moments for making [her]_26-maddie resort to such tactics in an attempt to make [me]_1667-you feel better about this unexpected pregnancy . “_[1667-you] [I]_0-i would have gotten used to the idea of another three , ” [I]_0-i say , all blasé . [I]_0-i ’m lying through [my]_0-i teeth , shuddering at the mere thought . [Another three]_{3158-another three} ? “_[0-i] There is really just one in there , is n’t there ? ” [I]_{57-mr. ward} ask [the purple - haired joker opposite [me]_{57-mr. ward}]_{3159-the purple - haired joker opposite me} . “_{[57-mr. ward]} Just one , [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} . ” [She]_{364-your wife} goes back to the screen . “_{[57-mr. ward]} [I]_0-i ’m sorry , but when [[your]_1667-you wife]_{364-your wife} mentioned [your]_1667-you first scan with [[your]_1667-you twins]_{1670-your twins} , it did make [me]_0-i laugh . ” Smiling at the white blip , [she]_{364-your wife} starts rolling the ball on the machinery , clicking here and there . “_[60-jacob] [Baby]_60-jacob , singular , looks perfectly healthy . [You]_1667-you ’re six weeks into gestation , [Mrs. Ward]_26-maddie . ” “_[26-maddie] Can [you]_1667-you tell the sex yet ? ” [I]_26-maddie ask , knowing full well it ’s way too early . “_[26-maddie] At the twenty - week scan , maybe . Depending on [baby]_60-jacob ’s position . ” [The printer to the side]_{3160-the printer to the side} kicks in , spitting out pictures of [[my]_26-maddie baby]_60-jacob . “_[26-maddie] [You]_1667-you do n’t want to know , do [you]_1667-you ? ” [Ava]_238-ava asks , a bit disappointed . “_[1667-you] Why ? ” “_[1667-you] Because if it ’s [a girl]_{2026-a girl} , [I]_0-i need as much time as possible to prepare . Buy armor . For [her]_{2026-a girl} and for [me]_0-i . ” “_[454-jesse] [Jesse]_454-jesse ! ” [She]_{2026-a girl} whacks [my]_454-jesse arm on an exasperated gasp , and [I]_454-jesse chuckle , swooping in and crowding [her]_{2026-a girl} . [I]_454-jesse grin , [she]_{2026-a girl} scowls . “_[454-jesse] [I]_0-i never told [you]_1667-you this morning how beautiful [you]_1667-you look today . ” “_[454-jesse] [I]_0-i never told [you]_1667-you how handsome [you]_1667-you look today . ” [I]_{1672-a god among men} shrug . “_{[1672-a god among men]} [A god among [men]_696-men]_{1672-a god among men} . ” [I]_{1672-a god among men} kiss [her]_{2026-a girl} delicately . “_{[1672-a god among men]} And now [I]_0-i ’m taking [you]_1667-you [home]_201-home and giving [you]_1667-you [the king of Retribution Fucks]_{1675-the king of retribution fucks} . ” [Her]_{2026-a girl} eyes widen , glancing to the side , where [the sonographer]_{3141-the sonographer} is collecting the pictures from [the printer]_{3141-the sonographer} , doing a terrible job of playing ignorant to [our]_3162-our light banter . [She]_{2026-a girl} ’s smiling fondly . “_[194-kate] Wherever , whenever , [baby]_194-kate . ” [I]_194-kate help wipe up [her]_{2026-a girl} tummy and get [her]_{2026-a girl} to [her]_{2026-a girl} feet , collecting the pictures from [Miss Purple Hair]_{154-miss purple hair} before guiding [Ava]_238-ava to the door . “_[194-kate] [I]_0-i hope [you]_1667-you ’re ready . ” “_[0-i] Maybe later . ” Huh ? [My]_0-i steps stutter behind [her]_{2026-a girl} . What does [she]_{2026-a girl} mean , maybe later ? [I]_0-i do n’t need to ask . [She]_{2026-a girl} looks over [her]_{2026-a girl} shoulder , a definite knowing smirk forming . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m going to yoga and then having coffee with [Zara]_116-zara . ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i do n’t think so . ” It ’s out before [I]_0-i can stop it , [my]_0-i declaration hostile , [my]_0-i ego put out . [She]_{2026-a girl} rolls [her]_{2026-a girl} eyes and continues on [her]_{2026-a girl} way toward [the exit]_{2804-the exit} . It ’s condescending as hell , and it only serves to rile [me]_0-i further . “_[0-i] [You]_1667-you ’re not going to yoga . ” [I]_0-i need to rein [myself]_0-i in before [she]_{2026-a girl} slaps [me]_0-i silly . [I]_0-i should know by now that demanding [she]_{2026-a girl} not do something just makes [her]_{2026-a girl} all the more determined to do it , if only to prove a point , whatever that is . [We]_3164-we ’ve just shared a lovely moment . [I]_0-i ’d planned on taking [her]_{2026-a girl} [home]_201-home and delivering on that Retribution Fuck , and then picking [the kids]_{2010-the kids} up from [school]_2011-school together . [She]_{2026-a girl} ’s ruining all of [my]_0-i plans . And on top of that , [she]_{2026-a girl} ’s now pregnant . Even more fragile . Even more delicate . Yoga is a stupid idea . Besides , [I]_0-i ’m not letting [her]_{2026-a girl} out of [my]_0-i fucking sight . “_[0-i] No way , [Ava]_238-ava . ” “_[454-jesse] Piss off , [Jesse]_454-jesse . ” [She]_{2026-a girl} pushes through the doors into the sunshine , leaving [me]_454-jesse a heaving , bristling pile of male standing like [an idiot in [the hospital entrance]_{3169-the hospital entrance}]_{3168-an idiot in the hospital entrance} . “_[454-jesse] [You]_454-jesse ’re not going ! ” [I]_238-ava yell , earning startled looks from [many passersby]_{3170-many passersby} . [I]_238-ava growl at each of [them]_{3170-many passersby} in turn before stalking out , muttering and cursing under [my]_238-ava breath . “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava ! ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m not arguing with [you]_454-jesse , ” [she]_{2026-a girl} calls over [her]_{2026-a girl} shoulder . “_[0-i] So [you]_454-jesse may as well quit . [I]_0-i ’m going . End of . ” End of ? “_[0-i] That ’s [my]_0-i line , ” [I]_0-i bark childishly , catching [her]_{2026-a girl} and blocking [her]_{2026-a girl} path to the passenger door . [I]_0-i push [my]_0-i back up against [the car]_{2161-the car} as [she]_{2026-a girl} stares at [me]_0-i tiredly . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i do n’t think yoga is a good idea in [your]_454-jesse condition . ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’ve checked with [the doctor]_{2188-the doctor} . It ’s actually a very good idea . ” Damn . Okay , then . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i do n’t think [you]_454-jesse should be out and about on [your]_454-jesse own . ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i wo n’t be alone . [I]_0-i ’ll be with [Zara]_116-zara . ” [My]_0-i lips straighten . [She]_{2026-a girl} could be with [anyone]_305-anyone . But [she]_{2026-a girl} wo n’t be with [me]_0-i . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’ll come , too . [I]_0-i ’ll watch [your]_454-jesse session , and [you]_454-jesse keep saying [you]_454-jesse want [me]_0-i to meet [this new friend of [yours]_454-jesse]_{1678-this new friend of yours} anyway . ” “_[454-jesse] No . ” [She]_{2026-a girl} tries to reach for the handle of the door , but [I]_454-jesse cover it with both hands . “_[454-jesse] [Jesse]_454-jesse , stop being so fucking unreasonable . ” “_[454-jesse] Watch [your]_454-jesse fucking mouth ! Do n’t make [me]_0-i give [you]_454-jesse the countdown , [woman]_26-maddie . It ’s not beyond [me]_0-i . ” “_[26-maddie] And what will [you]_454-jesse do to [me]_0-i in the middle of [the hospital car park]_{1680-the hospital car park} ? ” [She]_{2026-a girl} laughs , thinking [she]_{2026-a girl} has the upper hand . [She]_{2026-a girl} does n’t . “_[26-maddie] [You]_454-jesse tried [me]_0-i once before in [this very car park]_{1680-the hospital car park} , ” [I]_454-jesse inform [her]_{2026-a girl} . “_[454-jesse] [I]_0-i did it then , and [I]_0-i ’ll do it now . ” “_[0-i] Do what ? ” [she]_{2026-a girl} asks , folding [her]_{2026-a girl} arms over [her]_{2026-a girl} lovely boobs . [I]_0-i push [my]_0-i face close to [hers]_{2026-a girl} and smile on the inside at [her]_{2026-a girl} grit . [She]_{2026-a girl} does n’t budge one inch , squaring up to [me]_0-i . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’ll throw [you]_454-jesse over [my]_0-i shoulder , slap that gorgeous arse of [yours]_454-jesse , thrust [my]_0-i fingers into [your]_454-jesse warm pussy , and work [you]_454-jesse up until [you]_454-jesse explode in midair in front of all [these lovely people]_{1681-these lovely people} . ” [I]_454-jesse give [her]_{2026-a girl} a forced , satisfied smile , and [she]_{2026-a girl} gives [me]_454-jesse a huge gasp . Wait , has [she]_{2026-a girl} remembered ? “_[454-jesse] [You]_454-jesse would n’t dare ! ” [She]_{2026-a girl} has n’t . [Her]_{2026-a girl} gasp is shock , not recollection . It does n’t beat [me]_0-i down . [I]_0-i ’m not beyond reminding [her]_{2026-a girl} . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i fucking would and [I]_0-i fucking did . Are [you]_454-jesse daring [me]_0-i ? ” [I]_0-i want [her]_{2026-a girl} to . [I]_0-i want [her]_{2026-a girl} to double dare [me]_0-i . [Triple]_155-triple dare [me]_0-i . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m going to meet [Zara]_116-zara . ” [Her]_{2026-a girl} little nostrils flare dangerously . “_[0-i] [You]_454-jesse ca n’t keep [me]_0-i nailed to [your]_454-jesse side forever . ” “_[0-i] Wrong . ” [I]_0-i almost laugh . [I]_0-i thought [we]_3173-we were past this silly power game . “_[0-i] [You]_454-jesse ’re coming [home]_201-home with [me]_0-i , and that [Retribution Fuck]_{46-retribution} just got changed to an Apology Fuck . ” So there . Another gasp . “_[454-jesse] [You]_454-jesse ’re an ape ! ” [I]_454-jesse scratch [my]_454-jesse armpits in some kind of pathetic confirmation . “_[454-jesse] Old news , [lady]_454-jesse . ” “_[454-jesse] Urghhh ! ” [She]_{2026-a girl} turns and stomps off . [She]_{2026-a girl} does n’t get very far . Swooping [her]_{2026-a girl} up onto [my]_454-jesse shoulder carefully , [I]_454-jesse take [her]_{2026-a girl} back to [the car]_{2161-the car} , slipping [my]_454-jesse hand beyond the hem of [her]_{2026-a girl} skirt and up the inside of [her]_{2026-a girl} thigh . “_[454-jesse] [Jesse]_454-jesse ! ” “_[454-jesse] What , [dear]_454-jesse ? ” [My]_454-jesse fingers glide past the seam of [her]_{2026-a girl} knickers and plunge easily into [her]_{2026-a girl} . [She]_{2026-a girl} ’s drenched . Even boiling mad with [me]_454-jesse , [she]_{2026-a girl} ’s sodden . [I]_454-jesse smirk , satisfied . Nothing ’s really changed . [She]_{2026-a girl} goes floppy on [my]_454-jesse shoulder , [her]_{2026-a girl} moan broken , like [she]_{2026-a girl} ’s trying to hold it back , trying to hide how turned on [she]_{2026-a girl} is . It only fuels [my]_454-jesse fire . “_[454-jesse] Do n’t fight [me]_0-i , [Ava]_238-ava . ” [I]_238-ava stop by [the car]_{2161-the car} , pulling the door open . “_[238-ava] [You]_454-jesse ’re wasting valuable energy . ” Keeping [my]_194-kate fingers submerged in [her]_{2026-a girl} warmth , [I]_194-kate negotiate [her]_{2026-a girl} down into the passenger seat , kneeling by [the car]_{2161-the car} as [I]_194-kate do . “_[194-kate] Relax , [baby]_194-kate . ” [I]_1684-my walk on [my]_1684-my knees , closer to [her]_{2026-a girl} , and withdraw [my]_1684-my fingers slowly , watching [her]_{2026-a girl} chest expand and [her]_{2026-a girl} eyes widen . And then [I]_1684-my drive them back in , putting weight behind [me]_1684-my , achieving maximum depth . [She]_{2026-a girl} may be mentally pushing [me]_1684-my away , but [her]_{2026-a girl} sweet pussy has other ideas , greedily dragging [me]_1684-my deeper , the muscles of [her]_{2026-a girl} passage massaging [my]_1684-my fingers easily . “_[1684-my] [You]_1684-my like that , [baby]_194-kate ? ” “_[1684-my] [You]_1684-my do n’t play fair , [Ward]_238-ava . ” “_[238-ava] Do . [You]_1684-my . Like . That ? ” [I]_0-i retreat and surge forward , [my]_0-i own sounds of pleasure filling [the car]_{2161-the car} and mixing with [hers]_{2026-a girl} . “_[0-i] Tell [me]_0-i . ” [Her]_{2026-a girl} head falls back , eyes infused with need . [I]_0-i sacrifice [my]_0-i need for a verbal answer when [she]_{2026-a girl} places a hand over [mine]_0-i between [her]_{2026-a girl} thighs and starts working with [me]_0-i to bring [her]_{2026-a girl} to climax . [Her]_{2026-a girl} back arches against the seat and [she]_{2026-a girl} stiffens , [her]_{2026-a girl} clit beginning to throb under the pad of [my]_0-i thumb . [She]_{2026-a girl} goes quietly , but [boy]_{39-your mother} does [she]_{2026-a girl} go , trembling in the aftermath of [her]_{2026-a girl} orgasm , [her]_{2026-a girl} lids becoming heavy . [I]_0-i ’m so enthralled by the sight , [I]_0-i forget what brought [us]_3178-us to this moment . Until [she]_{2026-a girl} speaks . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m still going to yoga , ” [she]_{2026-a girl} breathes , going limp in the seat . [I]_1685-i laugh a little under [my]_1685-i breath , pulling [my]_1685-i fingers free of [her]_{2026-a girl} clenched thighs and taking [my]_1685-i time licking [her]_{2026-a girl} sweet juices from them while [she]_{2026-a girl} watches . “_[1685-i] [You]_1685-i ’re not going . ” [Her]_{2026-a girl} lips twist , [her]_{2026-a girl} eyes becoming mischievous . Then [I]_1685-i ’m quickly swallowing when [she]_{2026-a girl} strokes over [my]_1685-i jeans , stirring [my]_1685-i raging cock further . [She]_{2026-a girl} smiles when [I]_1685-i solidify from top to toe , inhaling . “_[1685-i] Later , [I]_0-i ’m going to smother [my]_0-i boobs in peanut butter and [you]_1685-i ’re going to lick it all off . ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m dropping [you]_1685-i off and picking [you]_1685-i up , ” [I]_0-i all but squeak , resting [my]_0-i hand over [hers]_{2026-a girl} before [my]_0-i dick bashes its way through [my]_0-i jeans . How ’d [she]_{2026-a girl} know that ’s [her]_{2026-a girl} ace card ? [I]_0-i do n’t know , but [I]_0-i ’m not arguing . [I]_0-i can kill the time at the club . [I]_0-i really should show [my]_0-i face there , anyway . [Her]_{2026-a girl} face beams , satisfied , as [she]_{2026-a girl} drops [me]_0-i . “_[0-i] Hurry up , then . [You]_1685-i ’ve made [me]_0-i late . ” Pulling [her]_{2026-a girl} skirt down , [she]_{2026-a girl} ushers [me]_1685-i back so [she]_{2026-a girl} can shut the door . It feels like [I]_1685-i ’ve just been played . Like [she]_{2026-a girl} has learned again that to get what [she]_{2026-a girl} wants , [she]_{2026-a girl} has to catch [me]_1685-i at [my]_1685-i weakest moments , like bribing [me]_1685-i with peanut butter and [her]_{2026-a girl} boobs . [My]_1685-i plan just backfired , and when [she]_{2026-a girl} fails to hold [her]_{2026-a girl} grin back as [I]_1685-i round [the car]_{2161-the car} , [my]_1685-i eyes burning through the windscreen , [I]_1685-i know for sure [I]_1685-i have definitely been played . Yet that tiny shred of reason within [me]_1685-i tells [me]_1685-i to let it go . [She]_{2026-a girl} ’s right . As much as [I]_1685-i want to — feel like [I]_1685-i need to — [I]_1685-i ca n’t have [her]_{2026-a girl} nailed to [me]_1685-i for all eternity . [She]_{2026-a girl} has to rebuild other parts of [her]_{2026-a girl} life . [I]_1685-i ’m just going to have to get used to the nervous breakdowns while [she]_{2026-a girl} does that . Chapter 51 [Ava]_238-ava When [Jesse]_454-jesse pulls up at [the curb]_{3180-the curb} , [he]_454-jesse releases [my]_1685-i belt , turning to get [me]_1685-i in [his]_454-jesse sights . “_[1685-i] Be careful , ” [he]_454-jesse warns . “_[1685-i] And [I]_0-i ’ll pick [you]_0-i up at this exact spot in a couple of hours . ” “_[1685-i] Okay . ” [I]_0-i barely contain [my]_0-i eye roll as [I]_0-i lean over and peck [his]_454-jesse cheek . “_[0-i] See [you]_0-i later . ” [I]_0-i slam the door and jog across [the road]_{2159-the road} . “_[0-i] Do n’t run ! ” [he]_454-jesse yells as [I]_0-i turn to face [him]_454-jesse from the other side of [the road]_{2159-the road} . “_[0-i] Might shake up [the baby]_{2508-the baby} . ” [I]_0-i laugh . [The man]_{341-your husband} is a nutcase . [I]_0-i spot [Zara]_116-zara up [the street]_{236-the street} near [Elsie]_32-mum ’s and wave as [I]_0-i make [my]_0-i way over . [She]_32-mum takes [me]_0-i in a big hug . “_[0-i] Is [[your]_0-i husband]_{341-your husband} waiting for [you]_0-i ? ” [I]_{341-your husband} pull out of [her]_32-mum embrace and look over [my]_{341-your husband} shoulder , seeing [Jesse]_454-jesse still idling at [the curb]_{3180-the curb} . “_{[341-your husband]} [He]_{341-your husband} ’s probably checking [I]_0-i get in [the building]_{664-the building} without injuring [myself]_0-i , ” [I]_{341-your husband} joke , returning [my]_{341-your husband} attention to [Zara]_116-zara when [he]_{341-your husband} eventually pulls away . “_{[341-your husband]} [He]_{341-your husband} worries about [me]_0-i , and now [he]_{341-your husband} ’ll be worrying even more . ” “_{[341-your husband]} Why ? ” “_[1689-we] [We]_1689-we just came from [the hospital]_{384-the hospital} . ” [I]_116-zara take the scan picture from [my]_116-zara purse and hold it out , and [her]_116-zara blue eyes fall to it . [I]_116-zara do n’t get the reaction [I]_116-zara was expecting , [her]_116-zara eyes taking on a sad edge . [My]_116-zara proud smile falls . “_[116-zara] [Zara]_116-zara ? ” Oh , shit . [She]_116-zara looks up at [me]_0-i , a bit vacant . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m sorry . ” [She]_116-zara shakes [herself]_116-zara to life . “_[0-i] What ’s up ? ” [I]_0-i quickly get rid of the picture , concerned . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m being silly . It ’s just , [I]_0-i ca n’t have [children]_{2347-children} [myself]_0-i . ” “_{[2347-children]} Oh [[my]_0-i God]_26-maddie . ” [I]_0-i kick [myself]_0-i hard , moving in to give [her]_116-zara a hug . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m so sorry . ” “_[0-i] It ’s not [your]_0-i fault . It ’s not [mine]_0-i either , in fact . Just a rare genetic thing that [they]_{2347-children} ca n’t really explain . ” [She]_116-zara embraces [my]_{1693-my ex} offer of comfort and returns [my]_{1693-my ex} squeeze . “_{[1693-my ex]} [[My]_0-i ex]_{1693-my ex} blamed [me]_0-i , hence [his]_{1693-my ex} handy fists . ” [I]_{1693-my ex} wince . “_{[1693-my ex]} What an arsehole . ” Pulling away , [I]_{1693-my ex} push a wet strand off [her]_116-zara cheek , and [she]_116-zara smiles sadly . “_{[1693-my ex]} [You]_0-i ’re happier without [him]_{1693-my ex} , right ? ” “_{[1693-my ex]} Of course . [My]_0-i job ’s going great , and there ’s talk of a promotion already . Things really could n’t be going better . ” “_{[1693-my ex]} That ’s fab . ” “_{[1693-my ex]} Hey , as a matter of fact , [I]_0-i have a date later , ” [she]_116-zara tells [me]_0-i , an excited sparkle in [her]_116-zara eyes . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i need a dress . Fancy a quick trip to [the shops]_{1694-the shops} after yoga to help [me]_0-i choose ? ” “_{[1693-my ex]} Sure . ” [I]_{1693-my ex} do n’t hesitate . [She]_116-zara needs [me]_{1693-my ex} . [I]_{1693-my ex} ’ll call [Jesse]_454-jesse and let [him]_{1693-my ex} know . [He]_{1693-my ex} ’ll be fine . “_{[1693-my ex]} Congratulations on [the baby]_{2508-the baby} , [Ava]_238-ava . ” [Zara]_116-zara nudges [my]_238-ava shoulder , flipping [me]_238-ava a genuine smile . “_[238-ava] [You]_238-ava ’re clearly so happy . ” “_[238-ava] On [Central Jesse Cloud Nine]_{20-central jesse cloud nine} , ” [I]_238-ava say without thought , frowning as [I]_238-ava do . “_[238-ava] Sounds like an amazing place to be . ” “_[238-ava] [You]_238-ava have no idea . ” Chapter 52 For a Tuesday afternoon , [the club]_{2003-the club} is heaving . [I]_238-ava wander through [the reception area]_{208-the reception area} , nodding to [people]_2279-people as [I]_238-ava go . [They]_2279-people all seem surprised to see [me]_238-ava . Or are [they]_2279-people wondering where [Ava]_238-ava is ? [I]_238-ava ’m just heading [upstairs]_589-upstairs when [Sam]_50-sam calls . “_[238-ava] Hey , ” [I]_238-ava answer . “_[238-ava] Sleeping pills . Where can [I]_0-i get [them]_1696-them ? ” [He]_50-sam sounds urgent . [I]_0-i smile , hearing the exhaustion in [his]_50-sam voice . “_[0-i] Do [I]_0-i look like [the local dealer]_{1697-the local dealer} ? ” [John]_60-jacob spots [me]_50-sam halfway up [the stairs]_{244-the stairs} , surprise on [his]_50-sam face , too , before pulling an about - turn and flanking [me]_50-sam on [my]_50-sam way up . [I]_50-sam point to [my]_50-sam phone and mouth “_[50-sam] [Sam]_50-sam , ” making [John]_60-jacob grin a shit - eating grin . “_[50-sam] Knocking [yourself]_50-sam out is n’t a good idea when there ’s [a baby]_{1412-a baby} around . ” “_{[1412-a baby]} Fucking hell , [I]_0-i ’ve never been so tired . [I]_0-i ’m walking dead . And [Kate]_194-kate ’s turned into [a demon woman]_{1699-a demon woman} . ” [I]_194-kate remember those days not too fondly , though [we]_3189-we had two to deal with . [I]_194-kate do n’t point that out . [Sam]_50-sam would n’t appreciate it . Instead , [I]_194-kate do something [any decent mate]_{3190-any decent mate} would do . After all , a bit of practice and refreshing [my]_194-kate skills would probably do [me]_194-kate well , plus [Ava]_238-ava will relish in it , [I]_194-kate ’m sure . “_[194-kate] Hey , how ’d [you]_50-sam think [Kate]_194-kate would feel about letting [us]_1700-us have [Betty]_{424-elizabeth} for the night so [you]_50-sam two can catch up on some sleep ? ” “_[263-argh] [Argh]_263-argh , [mate]_263-argh , [you]_263-argh ’d do that ? ” [He]_263-argh sounds perkier , just like that , just with the promise of some downtime . “_{[1699-a demon woman]} [She]_{1699-a demon woman} ’d be fine . ” “_{[1699-a demon woman]} Had n’t [you]_263-argh ought to ask [her]_{1699-a demon woman} first ? ” [I]_263-argh ask , remembering that first time [we]_1700-us left [the twins]_{2012-the twins} to have a date night . [Ava]_238-ava was fine , mind [you]_263-argh . It was [me]_263-argh who was fretting . [I]_263-argh reach the top of the stairs with [John]_60-jacob , breaking onto the gym floor . [I]_263-argh point to [[Ava]_238-ava ’s office]_{3192-ava ’s office} and [he]_263-argh nods , holding a finger up to indicate [he]_263-argh ’ll be there in a tick . “_[263-argh] Trust [me]_0-i , [she]_{1699-a demon woman} ’ll be fine , ” [Sam]_50-sam assures [me]_{1699-a demon woman} . “_{[1699-a demon woman]} And if [she]_{1699-a demon woman} is n’t , then [I]_0-i ’ll come and stay with [you]_0-i . ” [I]_0-i laugh , pushing [my]_0-i way into [[Ava]_238-ava ’s office]_{3192-ava ’s office} . [I]_0-i find [Cherry]_26-maddie sitting in [Ava]_238-ava ’s chair , and [my]_0-i laughter fades . [She]_26-maddie looks all wrong . There ’s only [one woman who belongs in that chair]_{3193-one woman who belongs in that chair} . “_[0-i] Speak to [Kate]_194-kate and get back to [me]_0-i . ” “_[0-i] [We]_1701-we ’ll be there at seven pronto , ” [he]_50-sam counters , hanging up . “_[1701-we] Oh , hi . ” [Cherry]_26-maddie beams at [me]_238-ava , looking past [my]_238-ava shoulder . “_[238-ava] No [Ava]_238-ava ? ” “_[238-ava] No [Ava]_238-ava , ” [I]_238-ava confirm , heading for [[my]_238-ava wife]_26-maddie ’s desk . [I]_238-ava scan the surface , noting many things out of place . The pen pot is on the wrong side , the mouse mat is different , and the in - and - out trays are all askew . Perfectly neat , but still askew . [Ava]_238-ava did n’t have them like that , pushed neatly into the back corner . Not that [[my]_238-ava wife]_26-maddie will know that . “_[238-ava] Can [I]_0-i get [you]_0-i a drink ? ” [Cherry]_26-maddie gets up , tapping a pile on papers on the edge of the desk to tidy them . “_[0-i] A water , thanks . ” [I]_0-i drop into the now - vacant chair and scan [the room]_{202-the room} while [Cherry]_26-maddie makes [her]_26-maddie quiet exit . It feels empty . Lacking life . [I]_0-i rest back and wedge [my]_0-i elbow into the arm , drumming [my]_0-i fingers on [my]_0-i cheek , thoughtful . And [I]_0-i smile . [A new baby]_{3195-a new baby} . “_[0-i] What are [you]_0-i grinning at ? ” [John]_60-jacob asks , stalking toward the desk . It occurs to [me]_0-i in this moment that [one of [[my]_0-i oldest friends]_{184-my oldest friends}]_{3196-one of my oldest friends} is in the dark over the past few days ’ revelations . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m going to be [a dad]_{1571-a dad} . ” [I]_0-i sound stable , and [I]_0-i ’m proud of [myself]_0-i for it . “_[0-i] [You]_0-i ’re already [a dad]_{1571-a dad} , [[you]_0-i stupid motherfucker]_{360-you stupid motherfucker} . ” [He]_{1571-a dad} drops into the chair opposite [me]_{1571-a dad} . “_{[1571-a dad]} [I]_0-i thought [Ava]_238-ava was [the one who lost [her]_238-ava memory]_238-ava . ” Had [anyone else]_{3198-anyone else} said that , [I]_238-ava would have beat [them]_3199-them black and blue . But this is [John]_60-jacob . [He]_{1571-a dad} ’d beat [me]_238-ava black and blue . “_[238-ava] Again , ” [I]_238-ava add . “_[238-ava] [I]_0-i ’m going to be [a dad]_{1571-a dad} again . ” The white of [his]_{1571-a dad} eyes expand . “_[0-i] What ? ” “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava ’s pregnant . ” [I]_238-ava see the laughter bubbling up from [his]_{1571-a dad} toes and wait for it to work its way to [his]_{1571-a dad} mouth and shake the whole damn club . But [he]_{1571-a dad} does n’t laugh . Somehow , [he]_{1571-a dad} contains it , though [I]_238-ava see [his]_{1571-a dad} amusement plain as day . “_[238-ava] Was it planned ? ” [I]_60-jacob chuck a pen across the desk at [him]_{1571-a dad} . “_[60-jacob] Stupid fucking question , [John]_60-jacob . What [sane fifty - year - old bloke]_{1704-sane fifty - year - old bloke} would volunteer for that , for fuck ’s sake ? ” [His]_{1571-a dad} huge shoulders jump up casually . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i would have , had the opportunity passed [me]_0-i by . ” That shuts [me]_0-i up . And makes [me]_0-i shrink . [I]_0-i ’ve never asked [John]_60-jacob about [his]_{1571-a dad} past , and [he]_{1571-a dad} ’s never volunteered it . Something inside [me]_0-i , maybe caution , just warned [me]_0-i not to . [I]_0-i ’ve often wondered if [he]_{1571-a dad} ’d wanted [children]_{2347-children} if [he]_{1571-a dad} found [the right woman]_{3201-the right woman} . And [he]_{1571-a dad} ’s just answered that . [I]_0-i should n’t be surprised . [He]_{1571-a dad} ’s great with [the twins]_{2012-the twins} , always has been . Like [an adopted pap]_{3203-an adopted pap} , in a way . “_[0-i] Was there ever a [Mrs. John]_60-jacob ? ” [I]_60-jacob ask [him]_{1571-a dad} . [He]_{1571-a dad} smiles [his]_{1571-a dad} big white - toothed smile with [his]_{1571-a dad} signature hint of gold . “_[60-jacob] What ’s taken [you]_60-jacob so long to ask , [boy]_60-jacob ? ” [I]_60-jacob inwardly laugh . “_[60-jacob] Maybe the hostile vibes [I]_0-i get any time [I]_0-i ’ve ever even thought to pry . ” “_{[1705-one woman]} There was [one woman]_{1705-one woman} once upon a time . ” [He]_{1571-a dad} shrugs , like it ’s nothing . It most certainly is n’t nothing . [I]_{1705-one woman} lean forward in [my]_{1705-one woman} chair , intrigued . “_{[1705-one woman]} Really ? Who ? ” [He]_{1571-a dad} eyes [me]_{1705-one woman} for a few moments , clearly wondering whether [he]_{1571-a dad} should spill . “_{[1705-one woman]} It does n’t matter now . It ’s dead . History . ” Clearly [he]_{1571-a dad} ’s decided against it . [I]_{1705-one woman} sigh , mentally plotting [my]_{1705-one woman} advances , how [I]_{1705-one woman} can coax the information from [him]_{1571-a dad} . “_{[1705-one woman]} Before [I]_0-i knew [you]_60-jacob ? ” [His]_{1571-a dad} glare is deadly . “_[60-jacob] Drop it . ” “_[60-jacob] What if [I]_0-i do n’t ? ” “_[60-jacob] Face the consequences . ” “_[60-jacob] Which are what ? ” “_[60-jacob] Rein it in , [[you]_60-jacob relentless motherfucker]_{1706-you relentless motherfucker} , ” [he]_{1571-a dad} warns , the threat in [his]_{1571-a dad} tone no joke , but something tells [me]_{1706-you relentless motherfucker} that [he]_{1571-a dad} really wants to share . Yet [I]_{1706-you relentless motherfucker} do as [I]_{1706-you relentless motherfucker} ’m told , even if [my]_{1706-you relentless motherfucker} mind is spinning , rewinding through the years , all the way back to when [[my]_{1706-you relentless motherfucker} uncle]_{2143-uncle carmichael} took [me]_{1706-you relentless motherfucker} under [his]_{2143-uncle carmichael} wing . [John]_60-jacob was there then , [[my]_{1706-you relentless motherfucker} uncle ’s best friend]_{2143-uncle carmichael} . In fact , [he]_{2143-uncle carmichael} ’s always just been … there . [I]_{1706-you relentless motherfucker} hum to [myself]_{1706-you relentless motherfucker} , racking [my]_{1706-you relentless motherfucker} brain . [I]_{1706-you relentless motherfucker} know [her]_{1708-your best mate ’s girl} . That ’s why [he]_{2143-uncle carmichael} ’s being cagey and reluctant . [I]_{1706-you relentless motherfucker} flick through [all the women who used to frequent [The Manor]_{190-the manor}]_{3205-all the women who used to frequent the manor} on a regular basis as [we]_3207-we stare at each other , for what seems like years , [his]_{2143-uncle carmichael} eyes dark , [mine]_{1706-you relentless motherfucker} curious . And then [he]_{2143-uncle carmichael} draws breath to speak . “_{[1706-you relentless motherfucker]} Falling in love with [[your]_1707-your best mate ’s girl]_{1708-your best mate ’s girl} is n’t ideal . ” [His]_{2143-uncle carmichael} eyes do n’t move from [mine]_{1706-you relentless motherfucker} . [[His]_{2143-uncle carmichael} best mate ’s girl]_{1708-your best mate ’s girl} ? [Uncle Carmichael]_{2143-uncle carmichael} was [his]_{2143-uncle carmichael} best … Realization slams into [me]_26-maddie like a giant wrecking ball to [my]_26-maddie gut . “_[26-maddie] [Sarah]_26-maddie ? ” [I]_60-jacob blurt , [my]_60-jacob heart taking the second shock of the day , except [this one]_{3208-this one} is no sick prank . [He]_{2143-uncle carmichael} nods [his]_{2143-uncle carmichael} confirmation . Fuck [me]_60-jacob . [Sarah]_26-maddie ? How has [he]_{2143-uncle carmichael} kept that hidden all this time ? “_[60-jacob] [John]_60-jacob , [I]_0-i do n’t know what to say . ” [He]_{2143-uncle carmichael} watched it all , close by , [Sarah]_26-maddie , [me]_60-jacob , and [Uncle Carmichael]_{2143-uncle carmichael} , the wretched love triangle and all the tragedy that went with it . And the years that followed , [Sarah]_26-maddie constantly pining for [me]_60-jacob , going to epic lengths to try to win [me]_60-jacob . How did [he]_{2143-uncle carmichael} do that ? Face it ? Endure it ? “_[60-jacob] Say nothing and move on , ” [he]_{2143-uncle carmichael} warns , obviously watching [my]_60-jacob mind go into overdrive . All this time [he]_{2143-uncle carmichael} ’s been in love with [Sarah]_26-maddie ? And [I]_60-jacob never knew ? [Never]_110-never saw it ? “_[60-jacob] How can [you]_60-jacob love [someone who ’s so destructive]_{1709-someone who ’s so destructive} ? ” [I]_{364-your wife} ask , baffled . [He]_{2143-uncle carmichael} looks at [me]_{364-your wife} like [I]_{364-your wife} ’m stupid . “_{[364-your wife]} Ask [[your]_60-jacob wife]_{364-your wife} . ” [I]_{364-your wife} wilt where [I]_{364-your wife} sit , going over and over the years , searching for any clues that [I]_{364-your wife} missed . Now , [I]_{364-your wife} realize there were millions . [His]_{2143-uncle carmichael} calmness with [her]_{364-your wife} . [His]_{2143-uncle carmichael} occasional attempts to defend [her]_{364-your wife} actions . [His]_{2143-uncle carmichael} anger when [she]_{364-your wife} lost the plot all those times . [He]_{2143-uncle carmichael} was n’t entirely mad with [her]_{364-your wife} for what [she]_{364-your wife} was doing to [me]_{364-your wife} . But what [she]_{364-your wife} was doing to [herself]_{364-your wife} , too . “_{[364-your wife]} [You]_60-jacob ca n’t help [someone who does n’t want to be helped]_{1711-someone who does n’t want to be helped} , ” [he]_{2143-uncle carmichael} says , strangely reminiscent . “_[60-jacob] [You]_60-jacob wanted to be helped . ” “_[60-jacob] Shit , [John]_60-jacob , ” [I]_60-jacob breathe , throwing [my]_60-jacob hands up a little . Then something comes to [me]_60-jacob . [She]_32-mum ’s staying with [him]_{64-my wife} , has been for weeks . “_[60-jacob] Why would [you]_60-jacob set [yourself]_60-jacob up like that , and what the hell does [Elsie]_32-mum think ? Wait , what does [Sarah]_26-maddie think ? Does [she]_32-mum know how [you]_60-jacob feel ? ” “_[32-mum] How [I]_0-i felt . And no , [she]_32-mum did n’t and does n’t . Neither did [[your]_60-jacob uncle]_{64-my wife} . [You]_60-jacob think [I]_0-i wanted to add to the fuckup that was [you]_60-jacob , [her]_32-mum , and [him]_{64-my wife} ? And [I]_0-i stopped loving [her]_32-mum when [she]_32-mum stopped loving [herself]_32-mum . And the reason [she]_32-mum ’s staying with [me]_0-i is because [she]_32-mum can do [me]_0-i less damage than [she]_32-mum can do [you]_60-jacob . ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i … ” “_[60-jacob] [You]_60-jacob ’ll keep this to [yourself]_60-jacob . ” [John]_60-jacob ’s tone is as threatening as threatening can be as [he]_{64-my wife} gets up from [his]_{64-my wife} seat . “_[60-jacob] It ’s history . ” “_[60-jacob] Of course . ” [He]_{64-my wife} does n’t need to tell [me]_60-jacob twice . “_[60-jacob] What about [Sarah]_26-maddie ? How long is [she]_32-mum staying with [you]_60-jacob ? ” “_[32-mum] Until [she]_32-mum ’s back on [her]_32-mum feet . ” [The man]_{2289-the man} is [a saint in disguise]_{2289-the man} . “_[32-mum] And what about [Elsie]_32-mum ? ” “_[32-mum] [She]_32-mum has some holistic therapy shit [she]_32-mum wants to try on [Sarah]_26-maddie . ” [He]_{2289-the man} looks back , rolling [his]_{2289-the man} eyes . “_[32-mum] Who knows ? Might straighten [her]_32-mum out . ” The door closes behind [him]_{2289-the man} , and [I]_32-mum sit there alone in [the silent room]_{3210-the silent room} for a long time , trying to get to grips with this news . The truth is , [I]_32-mum ca n’t . No matter how long [I]_32-mum try to wrap [my]_32-mum mind around it . So many years to be assessed , too many occasions in history to be analyzed to find what [I]_32-mum ’m looking for . [I]_32-mum wo n’t find anything . [John]_60-jacob did too good a job of hiding [his]_{2289-the man} feelings from [Sarah]_26-maddie and [the rest of [the world]_{2163-the world}]_{3211-the rest of the world} . [He]_{2289-the man} ’s put [himself]_{2289-the man} at the bottom of the pile every time . It is n’t right . Pulling out [my]_32-mum phone , [I]_32-mum find the number [I]_32-mum blocked , unblock it , and dial , and the moment [I]_32-mum hear [her]_26-maddie voice , [my]_32-mum skin prickles and [I]_32-mum ’m out of [my]_32-mum chair , pacing [the office]_{192-the office} . “_[32-mum] [You]_1713-you need to leave [town]_295-town , [Sarah]_26-maddie , ” [I]_454-jesse say bluntly . “_[454-jesse] [Jesse]_454-jesse ? ” “_[454-jesse] Yes . [You]_1713-you need to leave . ” There ’s a pause , and then a sigh . “_[238-ava] How ’s [Ava]_238-ava ? ” “_[238-ava] [I]_0-i did n’t call [you]_1713-you to chitchat about [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie . [I]_0-i called [you]_1713-you to tell [you]_1713-you to leave [town]_295-town . ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ca n’t go anywhere , [Jesse]_454-jesse . [I]_0-i ’m broke . ” [My]_0-i feet drag to a stop as [I]_0-i recall [John]_60-jacob telling [me]_0-i the same thing . [She]_26-maddie has nowhere to go . Nowhere to stay . So [she]_26-maddie ’s putting on [John]_60-jacob , and [John]_60-jacob will never say no . “_[0-i] Send [me]_0-i [your]_1713-you account details , ” [I]_0-i order . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’ll transfer some money , and then [you]_1713-you leave . Do [you]_1713-you hear [me]_0-i ? ” [John]_60-jacob ’s waited decades to meet [a woman]_{821-a woman} . Now [he]_3215-he ’s met [one]_3216-one , and [I]_0-i ’m not having [this poisonous bitch]_{3217-this poisonous bitch} ruining what could be [his]_3215-he happy ever after . “_[0-i] Do [you]_1713-you hear [me]_0-i ? ” “_[1713-you] [I]_0-i hear [you]_1713-you , ” [she]_0-i whispers , [her]_0-i lack of argument maddening . Because [she]_0-i ’s that selfish . [She]_0-i does n’t care about [John]_60-jacob . Or [me]_0-i . [She]_0-i cares about [herself]_0-i . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’ll do it now . Send [me]_0-i [your]_1713-you details . ” [I]_1713-you hang up , and in the two paces it takes [me]_1713-you to get back to [[Ava]_238-ava ’s desk]_{2135-ava ’s desk} to log on to [[my]_1713-you banking]_{3219-my banking} , [her]_0-i details land on [my]_1713-you phone . [I]_1713-you laugh a disbelieving laugh . [She]_0-i did n’t waste time . A few clicks sends a clean hundred grand [her]_0-i way . [We]_3220-we did n’t talk numbers , but [I]_1713-you want [her]_0-i to have enough to ensure [she]_0-i ’ll never have to come back . Resting back in [my]_1713-you chair , [I]_1713-you stare at the screen as [I]_1713-you kiss good - bye to the best money [I]_1713-you ’ve ever spent . [My]_1713-you phone buzzes on the desk , and [I]_1713-you glance down to see two missed calls from [Ava]_238-ava . Heart in [my]_1713-you throat , [I]_1713-you go to dial [her]_0-i back but notice a voicemail alert . [I]_1713-you click the icon and bring [my]_1713-you mobile to [my]_1713-you ear to listen to [her]_0-i message . “_[1713-you] [I]_0-i ’ve tried calling [you]_0-i twice and [you]_0-i ’re ignoring [me]_0-i , ” [she]_0-i says . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m still with [Zara]_116-zara . [I]_0-i ’ve had a lovely time ! [We]_1716-we popped to a store next door and bought [her]_116-zara a new dress for a date [she]_116-zara has tonight . [We]_1716-we could n’t find shoes , but [I]_0-i have the perfect pair , so [we]_1716-we ’re going to go pick up [the kids]_{2010-the kids} and head back . [She]_116-zara ’s driving , so do n’t panic . [I]_0-i ’ll meet [you]_0-i at [home]_201-home . ” [My]_0-i knee - jerk reaction is to call [her]_116-zara back and put [her]_116-zara straight on a few things . But , somehow , [I]_0-i stop [myself]_0-i . [I]_0-i breathe in and relax back in [my]_0-i chair , closing [my]_0-i eyes . [She]_116-zara ’s checked in . [She]_116-zara ’s fine , and [she]_116-zara ’s picking up [the kids]_{2010-the kids} . [I]_0-i should let [her]_116-zara do that . [I]_0-i must let [her]_116-zara do that . [She]_116-zara needs to do that . [I]_0-i ’m just forcing [myself]_0-i to put [my]_0-i phone away when [someone]_293-someone walks in — [Cherry]_26-maddie with [my]_0-i water . Took [her]_26-maddie long enough . [She]_26-maddie smiles , all bright and willing , as [she]_26-maddie paces toward [me]_0-i , a definite , deliberate sway to [her]_26-maddie hips . And if [I]_0-i ’m not mistaken , [she]_26-maddie ’s undone an extra button on [her]_26-maddie shirt since [she]_26-maddie left to fetch [my]_0-i water . [My]_0-i suspicious eyes follow [her]_26-maddie all the way to the foot of [[Ava]_238-ava ’s desk]_{2135-ava ’s desk} , where [she]_26-maddie perches [her]_26-maddie arse on the side , crossing one leg over the other . “_[0-i] Anything else ? ” [she]_26-maddie practically purrs . [I]_26-maddie sigh . Time to put [her]_26-maddie in [her]_26-maddie place . “_[26-maddie] [Cherry]_26-maddie , ” [I]_26-maddie begin , and [she]_26-maddie smiles brighter , [her]_26-maddie eyes dropping down [my]_26-maddie torso . “_[26-maddie] Let [me]_0-i explain something to [you]_26-maddie . ” “_[26-maddie] Umm - hmmm , ” [she]_26-maddie hums , starting to nibble [her]_26-maddie bottom lip . “_[26-maddie] If [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie catches [you]_26-maddie looking at [me]_0-i like that , [you]_26-maddie ’ll be choking on [your]_26-maddie high heels . ” [My]_26-maddie words seem to have zero impact , [her]_26-maddie eyes crawling up [my]_26-maddie front until [she]_26-maddie ’s gazing at [me]_26-maddie . “_[26-maddie] And what about if [you]_26-maddie catch [me]_0-i looking at [you]_26-maddie like this ? ” [I]_0-i ’m staggered by [her]_26-maddie boldness . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i just did . ” “_[0-i] And ? ” [I]_0-i lean forward , resting [my]_0-i elbows on the desk . [Her]_26-maddie eyes sparkle more at [my]_0-i closeness . “_[0-i] And [I]_0-i think [you]_26-maddie ’re brave , ” [I]_0-i answer lowly . “_[0-i] [You]_26-maddie ’re also stupid . ” [She]_26-maddie shrugs . “_[26-maddie] [No one]_{210-no one} gets what [they]_1721-they want by being reserved . ” “_[26-maddie] [You]_26-maddie ’re fired . ” [Her]_26-maddie eyes widen . “_[26-maddie] What ? ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i said , [you]_26-maddie ’re fired . ” [I]_0-i smile , a blazing smile , one that would knock [her]_{802-stupid woman} to [her]_{802-stupid woman} arse if [she]_{802-stupid woman} was n’t already there from shock . “_[0-i] [You]_26-maddie ca n’t fire [me]_0-i , ” [she]_{802-stupid woman} spits indignantly . [I]_26-maddie laugh , sitting back in [my]_26-maddie chair . “_[26-maddie] [You]_26-maddie just disrespected [[my]_0-i wife]_{802-stupid woman} , who also happens to be [[your]_26-maddie boss]_{1723-your boss} . [You]_26-maddie think [I]_0-i ’d forgo [her]_{802-stupid woman} for [you]_26-maddie ? ” [I]_26-maddie chuckle , the sound wicked . “_[26-maddie] Let [me]_0-i give [you]_26-maddie a bit of advice to take on [your]_26-maddie way . ” [She]_{802-stupid woman} slips down from the desk , rejection making [her]_{802-stupid woman} cheeks red , but not with anger , more embarrassment . “_[26-maddie] What ? ” “_[26-maddie] If [you]_26-maddie wanted to learn how to be sexy and seductive , [you]_26-maddie should have spent more time admiring [[my]_0-i wife]_{802-stupid woman} rather than [me]_0-i . Good - bye . ” Outrage . It ’s splashed all over [her]_{802-stupid woman} face . “_{[802-stupid woman]} But [you]_26-maddie owned [The Manor]_{190-the manor} . ” [I]_26-maddie look at [her]_{802-stupid woman} like [she]_{802-stupid woman} ’s stupid , because [she]_{802-stupid woman} fucking is . “_[26-maddie] Leave , ” [I]_26-maddie all but growl before [I]_26-maddie flip [my]_26-maddie lid . Wisely , [she]_{802-stupid woman} takes note of [my]_26-maddie anger , quickly stomping to the door . [Her]_{802-stupid woman} parting gift is a filthy glare tossed over [her]_{802-stupid woman} shoulder before [she]_{802-stupid woman} slams the door with brute force . [Stupid woman]_{802-stupid woman} . [My]_26-maddie phone rings again , and [I]_26-maddie quickly snatch it up and answer as [I]_26-maddie stand and head for the door . “_[26-maddie] Hey , [baby]_26-maddie . ” [I]_26-maddie ’m expecting high praise for leaving [her]_{802-stupid woman} to do [her]_{802-stupid woman} girlie stuff and not calling [her]_{802-stupid woman} back . “_[26-maddie] What the hell are [you]_1726-you playing at , [Ward]_238-ava ? ” [I]_238-ava stop halfway across [the office]_{192-the office} , racking [my]_238-ava brain for what [I]_238-ava could have done . [I]_238-ava resort to asking , since [I]_238-ava ’m fucking clueless . “_[238-ava] What did [I]_0-i do ? ” “_[0-i] [You]_1726-you did n’t call [me]_0-i back ! All [I]_0-i keep getting is [your]_1726-you voicemail ! ” [She]_{802-stupid woman} ’s wild , frantic , and [I]_26-maddie grin the biggest grin . “_[26-maddie] Aww , [baby]_26-maddie , [you]_1726-you worried about [me]_0-i ? ” Welcome to [my]_26-maddie world , [lady]_26-maddie . “_[26-maddie] A bit , ” [she]_{802-stupid woman} sniffs down the line . [I]_0-i ca n’t help the deep satisfaction . “_[0-i] [My]_0-i phone must have dropped its service , ” [I]_1726-you tell [her]_26-maddie , carrying on [my]_1726-you way . [I]_1726-you ’m thinking it ’s probably not wise to tell [her]_26-maddie that [I]_1726-you was on the phone to [Sarah]_26-maddie . “_[1726-you] Where are [you]_1726-you ? ” “_[1726-you] At [the club]_{2003-the club} . ” [I]_0-i hear [her]_26-maddie bristling at the mention of [me]_0-i being [here]_2274-here , alone , without [her]_26-maddie . [I]_0-i put [her]_26-maddie mind at rest . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i just fired [Cherry]_26-maddie . ” “_[0-i] What ? Why ? Oh [[my]_0-i God]_26-maddie , did [she]_26-maddie make a pass at [you]_1726-you ? [The sneaky little bitch]_26-maddie ! ” “_[26-maddie] Well , [you]_1726-you know . [[Your]_1726-you husband]_{1672-a god among men} is [a god among [men]_696-men]_{1672-a god among men} . [I]_0-i ca n’t blame [her]_26-maddie . ” “_[1726-you] [You]_1726-you ’re intolerable . ” “_[1726-you] And [I]_0-i love [you]_1726-you , too . Where are [you]_1726-you ? ” “_[1726-you] At [home]_201-home now . [I]_0-i ’ve just seen [Zara]_116-zara out , and [the kids]_{2010-the kids} are on [the trampoline]_{2719-the trampoline} . ” “_{[2010-the kids]} [I]_0-i ’m on [my]_0-i way . ” [I]_0-i hang up and jog to [[my]_0-i car]_{235-my car} , feeling like it ’s been years instead of hours since [I]_0-i ’ve seen [them]_{2010-the kids} . Chapter 53 Pulling up [the driveway]_{542-the driveway} , [I]_0-i hear [the kids]_{2010-the kids} before [I]_0-i see [them]_{2010-the kids} , [their]_{2010-the kids} shouts of delight reaching [me]_0-i from [the garden]_{2056-the house} , the springs of the trampoline going loopy . [I]_0-i rush to [the house]_{2056-the house} in search of [Ava]_238-ava so [I]_0-i can soak up some of that praise [she]_238-ava owes [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i find [her]_238-ava sitting at [the island in [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen}]_{3228-the island in the kitchen} staring down at something . [My]_0-i approaching steps do n’t distract [her]_238-ava , [her]_238-ava focus engrossed . [I]_0-i realize what ’s holding [her]_238-ava rapt attention : the picture of [[our]_3230-our new baby]_{3231-our new baby} . [Her]_238-ava fingertip is tracing the edges of the paper . [Her]_238-ava eyes look a little dreamy . [I]_0-i hate to disturb [her]_238-ava . “_[0-i] Boo , ” [I]_0-i whisper in [her]_238-ava ear , and [her]_238-ava palm slaps on [her]_238-ava chest as [she]_238-ava startles . [She]_238-ava turns on [her]_238-ava stool and glares at [me]_0-i , fisting the front of [my]_0-i T - shirt and yanking [me]_0-i forward . “_[0-i] Next time [I]_0-i call [you]_0-i , ring [me]_0-i back , [Ward]_238-ava . ” “_[238-ava] Fuck , [you]_0-i ’re sexy when [you]_0-i ’re mad . ” [Her]_238-ava scowl turns into an impish grin . “_[0-i] Then kiss [me]_0-i . ” “_[0-i] What do [you]_0-i say , [baby]_194-kate ? ” There ’s no hesitation . “_[0-i] Please . ” [I]_0-i pounce , lifting [her]_238-ava from the stool to [the island]_{2099-the island} and utterly ravishing [her]_238-ava bones . [God]_373-god , is there anywhere [I]_0-i ’d rather be ? Nope . Just glue [my]_0-i mouth to [hers]_238-ava and let [us]_3233-us be done with it . [She]_238-ava is like the finest of wines , and [I]_0-i am an expert in that wine . “_[0-i] Spread [your]_0-i legs . ” [They]_{2010-the kids} open and [I]_454-jesse move in , [our]_3233-us mouths wild on each other . This is what happens when [we]_3233-us ’re apart too long . Starvation . [I]_454-jesse ca n’t get enough of [her]_238-ava . “_[454-jesse] [Jesse]_454-jesse , ” [she]_238-ava pants , [her]_238-ava voice full of warning , though [her]_238-ava relentless tongue does n’t let up . “_{[2010-the kids]} [The kids]_{2010-the kids} . ” [I]_{2010-the kids} ’m about to say fuck [’em]_3234-’em , getting a bit carried away with [myself]_{2010-the kids} . But , instead , and very reluctantly , [I]_{2010-the kids} pry [myself]_{2010-the kids} from [her]_238-ava lips before [I]_{2010-the kids} take it a step further and push [her]_238-ava back down onto [the island]_{2099-the island} . “_{[2010-the kids]} Have [you]_454-jesse shown [them]_{2010-the kids} the picture ? ” “_{[2010-the kids]} No , of course not . [I]_0-i wanted to wait for [you]_454-jesse . ” “_[0-i] Over dinner , or now ? ” Truth be told , [I]_0-i want to do it now . [I]_0-i ’m excited . “_[0-i] Now . ” [I]_0-i grin , knowing [she]_{3030-your friend} read that in [my]_0-i eyes as [I]_0-i help [her]_{3030-your friend} down . “_[0-i] Did [you]_454-jesse find shoes for [[your]_454-jesse friend]_{3030-your friend} ? ” “_[0-i] Yes , a perfect match for the dress . [She]_{3030-your friend} hung on for as long as [she]_{3030-your friend} could to meet [you]_{3030-your friend} , but [she]_{3030-your friend} was going to be late for [her]_{3030-your friend} date if [she]_{3030-your friend} waited any longer . ” “_{[3030-your friend]} Another time . ” [I]_{3030-your friend} try not to sound too casual . [I]_{3030-your friend} know how much [this new friend]_{3030-your friend} means to [her]_{3030-your friend} . [I]_{3030-your friend} need to at least pretend [I]_{3030-your friend} care . “_{[3030-your friend]} Maybe when [I]_0-i drop [you]_{3030-your friend} to yoga ? ” “_{[3030-your friend]} [She]_{3030-your friend} ’ll love [you]_{3030-your friend} , and [you]_{3030-your friend} [her]_{3030-your friend} . ” “_{[3030-your friend]} Of course [she]_{3030-your friend} will . [I]_0-i ’m [the fucking Lord of The Manor]_{1737-the fucking lord of the manor} . ” Flipping [her]_{3030-your friend} a cheeky wink , [I]_{1737-the fucking lord of the manor} find [my]_{1737-the fucking lord of the manor} stride and take [us]_3236-us out to [the garden]_{2075-the garden} . The creak of the trampoline with each jump grows louder as [we]_3236-us walk , [my]_{1737-the fucking lord of the manor} smile growing with it , until it comes into view and [I]_{1737-the fucking lord of the manor} see [[my]_{1737-the fucking lord of the manor} boy]_{240-my boy} and [girl]_26-maddie springing up and down , laughing . And there ’s [another person]_26-maddie . “_{[1737-the fucking lord of the manor]} Who ’s that ? ” [I]_{1737-the fucking lord of the manor} ask , [my]_{1737-the fucking lord of the manor} eyes set on [the woman]_26-maddie , [her]_26-maddie dark hair flapping in the air and around [her]_26-maddie face . “_{[1737-the fucking lord of the manor]} Oh . ” [Ava]_238-ava sounds surprised , but not concerned . “_{[1737-the fucking lord of the manor]} That ’s [Zara]_116-zara . [She]_{1737-the fucking lord of the manor} was coming out to say bye to [the kids]_{2010-the kids} . [I]_0-i thought [she]_{1737-the fucking lord of the manor} ’d left already . ” [I]_0-i smile at [the woman]_26-maddie ’s back . [She]_{1737-the fucking lord of the manor} ’s a bit overdressed for playtime on a trampoline . “_[0-i] [She]_{1737-the fucking lord of the manor} ’s got some energy . ” “_{[1737-the fucking lord of the manor]} Why is [she]_{1737-the fucking lord of the manor} wearing [her]_{1737-the fucking lord of the manor} new dress ? ” [Ava]_238-ava asks , confusion now creeping into [her]_{1737-the fucking lord of the manor} tone . [I]_{1737-the fucking lord of the manor} look at the black lace number , something uneasy settling over [me]_{1737-the fucking lord of the manor} , a weight on [my]_{1737-the fucking lord of the manor} shoulders that [I]_{1737-the fucking lord of the manor} ca n’t shake . [My]_{1737-the fucking lord of the manor} feet slow as [we]_3241-we approach . Along with [my]_{1737-the fucking lord of the manor} heart . And then it stops completely when [the woman]_26-maddie turns toward [us]_3241-we . It ’s a moment in time when [I]_{1737-the fucking lord of the manor} think [I]_{1737-the fucking lord of the manor} know what [I]_{1737-the fucking lord of the manor} ’m seeing , but it ’s so far beyond [my]_{1737-the fucking lord of the manor} comprehension , it takes [my]_{1737-the fucking lord of the manor} brain a moment to catch up . But the second [I]_{1737-the fucking lord of the manor} see [her]_{1737-the fucking lord of the manor} deep - set blue eyes , there ’s no doubt . [They]_3242-they look as troubled as [I]_{1737-the fucking lord of the manor} remember , and as [she]_{1737-the fucking lord of the manor} stares at [me]_{1737-the fucking lord of the manor} , [they]_3242-they fill with hatred . “_{[1737-the fucking lord of the manor]} Oh fuck . ” [She]_{1737-the fucking lord of the manor} ’s changed [her]_{1737-the fucking lord of the manor} hair color . The blond is gone , replaced with a harsh shade of mahogany that does n’t suit [her]_{1737-the fucking lord of the manor} complexion at all . [She]_{1737-the fucking lord of the manor} ’s always been pale , but now [she]_{1737-the fucking lord of the manor} looks bloodless . Heartless . Emotionless . “_{[1535-lauren]} [Lauren]_1535-lauren . ” Shock and fear has paralyzed [me]_1535-lauren . Why did n’t [I]_1535-lauren know [she]_{1737-the fucking lord of the manor} ’d been released from [the institution]_{3243-the institution} ? [We]_3244-we should have fucking been told ! [I]_1535-lauren need to get [[my]_1535-lauren kids]_{261-my kids} off [that trampoline]_{2719-the trampoline} , away from [her]_{1737-the fucking lord of the manor} and [her]_{1737-the fucking lord of the manor} murderous , fucked - up clutches , yet [I]_1535-lauren ca n’t fucking move . “_{[1535-lauren]} What a surprise . ” [She]_{1737-the fucking lord of the manor} walks toward the netting around the edges of [the trampoline]_{2719-the trampoline} , poking [her]_{1737-the fucking lord of the manor} fingers through the holes to hold on , a little breathless , but [her]_{1737-the fucking lord of the manor} words are as clear as day . “_{[1535-lauren]} Nice to see [you]_1535-lauren , [Jesse]_454-jesse . ” “_{[1535-lauren]} [Lauren]_1535-lauren ? ” [Ava]_238-ava asks , confused . “_[116-zara] This is [Zara]_116-zara . [You]_1535-lauren know [each other]_{2249-each other} ? ” [She]_238-ava drops [her]_238-ava hold of [me]_1535-lauren and takes a few steps back . [I]_1535-lauren dare not take [my]_1535-lauren gaze from [the woman who nearly sent [me]_1535-lauren to [the grave]_{3248-the grave} twice]_{3247-the woman who nearly sent me to the grave twice} . [[My]_1535-lauren babies]_{216-my babies} are a few feet away from [her]_{3247-the woman who nearly sent me to the grave twice} , [their]_{216-my babies} bounces now slowing , too , [their]_{216-my babies} instinct telling [them]_{216-my babies} that something is n’t right . Fucking hell , how did this happen ? [[Ava]_238-ava ’s new friend]_238-ava , [the one [she]_238-ava ’s been doing yoga with all these weeks , having coffee and going on shopping trips with]_238-ava , is [[my]_1535-lauren murderous ex - wife]_238-ava ? [I]_1535-lauren swallow , [my]_1535-lauren body starting to shake . It ’s a result of a bit of anger , but mostly , it ’s fucking fear . [I]_1535-lauren need to play it cool . Not give [the kids]_{2010-the kids} anything to worry about . Fucking impossible when faced with [this woman]_238-ava . [I]_1535-lauren know what lengths [she]_238-ava ’ll go to in order to ruin [me]_1535-lauren . [Lauren]_1535-lauren casts [her]_238-ava eyes over to [Ava]_238-ava , a salacious smirk on [her]_238-ava lips . “_{[1535-lauren]} Oh , [you]_1740-you mean of all the things [he]_1741-he ’s reminded [you]_1740-you of , [he]_1741-he forgot to mention [me]_0-i ? ” [Her]_238-ava cold eyes fall back onto [my]_454-jesse motionless form . [My]_454-jesse veins freeze . “_[454-jesse] Oh , [Jesse]_454-jesse , [you]_1740-you have a habit of leaving [[your]_1740-you ex - wife]_26-maddie off [your]_1740-you list of priorities . And [[your]_1740-you dead daughter]_26-maddie . ” [Ava]_238-ava gasps , and [I]_238-ava force [myself]_238-ava to face [her]_26-maddie . [She]_26-maddie ’s brought [her]_26-maddie hands to [her]_26-maddie head , [her]_26-maddie face twisting in agony . And then [she]_26-maddie screams . And [I]_238-ava realize what ’s happening . [She]_26-maddie ’s remembering . “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava , [baby]_26-maddie . ” [I]_238-ava go to [her]_26-maddie , catching [her]_26-maddie as [she]_26-maddie falls to [her]_26-maddie knees . “_[238-ava] No ! ” [she]_26-maddie sobs . “_[238-ava] No , no , no ! ” [She]_26-maddie starts yanking at [her]_26-maddie hair , deranged and inconsolable . “_[238-ava] Make it stop ! [I]_0-i do n’t want to know ! ” “_[26-maddie] Oh , [Jesus]_26-maddie . ” [I]_2298-kids fight back [my]_2298-kids tears , roaring to the sky , begging for [someone]_293-someone up there to stop this insanity . [I]_2298-kids ’m torn , needing to comfort [[my]_2298-kids wife]_26-maddie as [she]_26-maddie ’s attacked with every tiny detail of [our]_3252-our history all at once , the dams opening and flooding [her]_26-maddie fragile brain . But there ’s [a psychotic woman]_{3253-a psychotic woman} a few feet away on the trampoline with [[my]_2298-kids babies]_{216-my babies} . [I]_2298-kids know what [she]_26-maddie ’s capable of . [I]_2298-kids know the hatred [she]_26-maddie harbors for [me]_2298-kids . Yelling , [I]_2298-kids break away from [Ava]_238-ava to face [[my]_2298-kids nemesis]_{2709-my nemesis} . [Lauren]_1535-lauren ’s smirk is wider . [Sicker]_158-sicker . [Uglier]_159-uglier . [The kids]_2298-kids are staring at [[their]_2298-kids mum]_{2201-their mum} , shocked and confused at [her]_1535-lauren hysterics . Opening [my]_2298-kids arms , [I]_2298-kids swallow down [my]_2298-kids fear , working on keeping [my]_2298-kids face sure and strong . [They]_2298-kids need to see [me]_2298-kids strong . “_[2298-kids] [Kids]_2298-kids , come to [Dad]_1256-dad . ” [They]_2298-kids both take one step forward , but before [they]_2298-kids can go any farther , [Lauren]_1535-lauren puts an arm around each of [their]_2298-kids shoulders , pulling [them]_2298-kids in tightly . [They]_2298-kids flinch , [their]_2298-kids eyes round now , but [they]_2298-kids do n’t struggle . [I]_2298-kids ’m so proud [they]_2298-kids ’re smart enough to keep [their]_2298-kids cool . “_[2298-kids] [They]_2298-kids ’re quite happy here with [Auntie Lauren]_1535-lauren , right , [kids]_2298-kids ? ” [She]_1535-lauren kisses both of [their]_2298-kids heads in turn , [her]_1535-lauren eyes on [me]_454-jesse . “_[454-jesse] Adorable , [Jesse]_454-jesse . Really adorable . And now [you]_454-jesse have another on the way ! How exciting for [you]_454-jesse . Another addition to [[your]_454-jesse perfect family]_{1744-your perfect family} . Ever wonder what [[our]_1745-our Rosie]_{1746-our rosie} would look like if [she]_{1746-our rosie} ’d have made it to this age ? If [you]_454-jesse had n’t killed [her]_{1746-our rosie} ? ” The pain that bolts through [me]_1535-lauren is excruciating . It makes [me]_1535-lauren physically retch , [my]_1535-lauren stomach twisting nastily . [The kids]_{2196-my children} remain silent , unmoving , but the shock on [their]_{2196-my children} faces is undeniable . [I]_1535-lauren just need to get [them]_{2196-my children} away from [her]_{1746-our rosie} . “_{[1535-lauren]} [Lauren]_1535-lauren . ” [I]_1535-lauren keep [my]_1535-lauren tone level and sure , taking slow , careful steps toward the trampoline . “_{[1535-lauren]} [You]_454-jesse do n’t want to hurt [[my]_0-i children]_{2196-my children} . [You]_454-jesse ’re not evil . Think about what [you]_454-jesse ’re doing . ” “_[454-jesse] Of course [I]_0-i do n’t want to hurt [them]_{2196-my children} . ” [She]_{1746-our rosie} laughs , almost hysterically . Whatever the fuck [they]_{2196-my children} ’ve been doing in [that psychiatric ward]_{3257-that psychiatric ward} all this time sure as shit has n’t fixed [her]_{1746-our rosie} . “_[454-jesse] Then take [me]_0-i , ” [I]_454-jesse say . “_[454-jesse] Wherever [you]_454-jesse want to go . [We]_1748-we ’ll talk . See if [we]_1748-we can work this out . ” “_[454-jesse] Can [you]_454-jesse bring [Rosie]_66-rosie back ? ” “_[454-jesse] [No one]_{210-no one} can bring [Rosie]_66-rosie back , [Lauren]_1535-lauren . ” [I]_1535-lauren reach the foot of [the trampoline]_{2719-the trampoline} , threading [my]_1535-lauren fingers through the netting [myself]_1535-lauren , getting [my]_1535-lauren face closer . [I]_1535-lauren see that hatred in [her]_1535-lauren eyes amplify . “_{[1535-lauren]} Take [me]_0-i . [You]_454-jesse want to hurt [me]_0-i . [They]_1750-they do n’t deserve to suffer for [my]_0-i mistakes . ” Painfully , [I]_454-jesse silently acknowledge that either way , [[my]_454-jesse children]_{2196-my children} are going to suffer here . There ’s no escaping it . Either [this lunatic woman]_{3260-this lunatic woman} will hurt [them]_{2196-my children} — and [I]_454-jesse ’ll go to [the ends of [the earth]_{3262-the earth}]_{3261-the ends of the earth} to prevent that — or [she]_{3260-this lunatic woman} ’ll hurt [me]_454-jesse , and that in turn will hurt [them]_{2196-my children} . [I]_454-jesse ca n’t win . But the latter is the lesser of two evils . [I]_454-jesse ’m between the devil and [the deep blue sea]_{3263-the deep blue sea} . “_[454-jesse] No , [Jesse]_454-jesse . ” [Ava]_238-ava ’s voice comes from nowhere , pulling [my]_1751-i eyes to the left . [She]_238-ava ’s staring at [Lauren]_1535-lauren , eyes almost crazy , and [I]_1751-i know it ’s because all the madness that ’s just ransacked [her]_238-ava head has made [her]_238-ava that way . [I]_1751-i ’ve made [her]_238-ava that way . “_[1751-i] [She]_1751-i ’s already tried to kill [you]_454-jesse twice . ” “_[1751-i] Third time ’s the charm ? ” [Lauren]_1535-lauren smirks . “_[1751-i] [You]_454-jesse ’re not getting the opportunity ever again . ” [Ava]_238-ava ’s head starts to shake , [her]_238-ava eyes falling to [me]_1751-i . “_[1751-i] [I]_0-i ’m not going to that level of hell again . [I]_0-i ’m not praying for weeks upon weeks for [you]_454-jesse to wake up . [I]_0-i ’m not letting [her]_1751-i hurt [you]_454-jesse again . [You]_454-jesse ’ll have to fucking kill [me]_0-i first . ” “_[454-jesse] That ’s sweet . ” [Lauren]_1535-lauren laughs again . “_[454-jesse] But [you]_454-jesse ’re forgetting [I]_0-i have something [you]_454-jesse both cherish right here . ” [She]_238-ava hugs [the kids]_{327-our kids} closer . “_[454-jesse] Do n’t get ahead of [yourself]_454-jesse , [Ava]_238-ava . ” [She]_238-ava casts [her]_238-ava cold eyes over to [me]_238-ava . “_[238-ava] Seems [[your]_454-jesse husband]_{341-your husband} wants to come with [me]_0-i . ” Releasing [the kids]_{327-our kids} , [she]_238-ava collects a bag from the soft cushioned edge of [the trampoline]_{2719-the trampoline} and reaches inside . [I]_238-ava get a glimpse of the handle of a handgun , and air enters [my]_238-ava lungs so fast , [I]_238-ava stagger back one step . “_[238-ava] [I]_0-i ’ll come . ” “_[0-i] No ! ” [Ava]_238-ava glares at [me]_454-jesse , furious . [I]_454-jesse ignore [her]_238-ava and walk around the edge of [the trampoline]_{2719-the trampoline} , unzipping the entrance . “_[454-jesse] [Jesse]_454-jesse ! ” [She]_238-ava ’s losing it , and [I]_1256-dad flip [her]_238-ava a death stare , silently asking [her]_238-ava what fucking choice [I]_1256-dad have . [She]_238-ava has [[our]_3266-our kids]_{327-our kids} , for fuck ’s sake . [Ava]_238-ava ’s so panicked , so overcome with what ’s transpiring , [she]_238-ava ’s not thinking straight . [She]_238-ava snaps [her]_238-ava mouth shut and diverts [her]_238-ava attention to [Jacob]_60-jacob and [Maddie]_26-maddie . And then it hits [her]_238-ava . [Her]_238-ava duty . [I]_1256-dad see the lioness in [her]_238-ava rocket to the surface , accompanied by a newfound hatred for [the woman]_238-ava now coming down the ladder of [the trampoline]_{2719-the trampoline} , [her]_238-ava gun pointed directly at [my]_1256-dad chest . “_[1256-dad] [Dad]_1256-dad ? ” [Jacob]_60-jacob ’s voice is ragged and cracked as [he]_60-jacob collects [[his]_60-jacob sister]_{2209-his sister} and walks [her]_238-ava to the farthest edge of [the enclosure]_{3269-the enclosure} , as far away from [Lauren]_1535-lauren as [he]_60-jacob can get [them]_3270-them . “_[1256-dad] [Dad]_1256-dad , no . ” “_[1256-dad] It ’s fine , [mate]_263-argh . ” [I]_263-argh force a smile at [him]_1256-dad . “_[263-argh] Everything is going to be all right , [I]_0-i promise [you]_263-argh . ” [I]_0-i do n’t make promises [I]_0-i ca n’t keep , and [I]_0-i ’m ignoring the voice inside [my]_0-i head that ’s telling [me]_0-i [I]_0-i just broke that rule . [Lauren]_1535-lauren reaches the bottom of the ladder and stares up at [me]_0-i as [she]_1535-lauren slips [her]_1535-lauren feet into a pair of heels [I]_0-i recognize . [Ava]_238-ava ’s . The hair , the dress , the shoes . It ’s all been planned . [I]_0-i ’m [her]_238-ava fucking date . “_[0-i] [You]_263-argh can drive , ” [she]_238-ava says , reaching into [my]_1754-my pocket . Every muscle [I]_1754-my possess freezes as [she]_238-ava feels around inside . [I]_1754-my hiss when [she]_238-ava skims [my]_1754-my limp cock . “_[1754-my] [We]_1754-my ’ll fix that , [I]_0-i ’m sure . ” “_[0-i] Get [your]_263-argh hands off [him]_263-argh ! ” [Ava]_238-ava screams , the wild in [her]_238-ava eyes reaching a whole new dangerous level . “_[0-i] Pipe down , [sweetheart]_0-i . ” [Lauren]_1535-lauren pulls out the keys for [my]_0-i Aston and thrusts them into [my]_0-i chest . “_[0-i] Let ’s go . ” [My]_0-i limp hand takes [the bunch]_{3271-the bunch} , [my]_0-i eyes darting quickly to [Ava]_238-ava . [She]_238-ava ’s made it to [the kids]_{2010-the kids} , and [they]_{2010-the kids} ’re huddled together in the middle of [the trampoline]_{2719-the trampoline} , [[my]_0-i babies]_{2201-their mum} ’ faces in [[their]_{2201-their mum} mum]_{2201-their mum} ’s chest , hiding from this horror scene . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m driving . ” [I]_0-i say the words as clearly as [I]_0-i can , praying [Ava]_238-ava hears [my]_0-i silent message . “_[0-i] In [[my]_0-i car]_{235-my car} . ” “_[0-i] Yes , in [[your]_0-i car]_{235-my car} . ” [Lauren]_1535-lauren wedges the gun painfully in [my]_0-i rib . “_[0-i] Go . ” [I]_0-i ’m forced to turn before [I]_0-i get the opportunity to check for any recollection on [Ava]_238-ava ’s face . [I]_0-i fear [she]_238-ava ’s too lost in the new memories to realize what [I]_0-i ’m trying to tell [her]_238-ava . As [I]_0-i ’m guided to [[my]_0-i car]_{235-my car} by the gun held at [my]_0-i back , [I]_0-i tussle with the temptation to turn and wrestle it from [her]_238-ava hands . [I]_0-i ’m big enough to easily overpower [her]_238-ava . But that gun . One tweak of [her]_238-ava finger , no matter how fast [I]_0-i am , and [I]_0-i ’ll be gone . And then [Ava]_238-ava and [the kids]_{2010-the kids} will be helpless . No way am [I]_0-i risking [their]_{2010-the kids} lives . Fuck [mine]_0-i . Fuck this . [I]_0-i deserve it all . Had [I]_0-i enlightened [Ava]_238-ava , grown some balls and told [her]_238-ava everything , [she]_238-ava would have been aware of [Lauren]_1535-lauren . Would have maybe seen some signs . Instead , [I]_0-i was the coward [I]_0-i was years ago , and [I]_0-i ’ve put [the most precious people in [my]_0-i life]_{3276-the most precious people in my life} at danger ’s door . [My]_0-i feet are heavy , [my]_0-i heart slowing with each step [I]_0-i take . [She]_238-ava wo n’t need to kill [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i ’m dying little bit by little bit the farther [I]_0-i walk away from [[my]_0-i family]_{358-my family} . Chapter 54 [My]_0-i attention is divided between [the road]_{2159-the road} and [Lauren]_1535-lauren ’s lap , where the gun is resting lightly , [her]_1535-lauren finger curled around the trigger . [I]_0-i know fuck all about guns . [I]_0-i would n’t be able to tell [you]_3279-you if it was loaded , or even ready to fire . This could just be a show . [I]_0-i ’m unwilling to test could be . All [I]_0-i know for sure is [this woman]_1535-lauren wants to make [me]_0-i suffer . [I]_0-i do n’t know where [we]_3280-we ’re headed . [I]_0-i ’m taking instructions as [she]_1535-lauren gives [them]_3280-we , following [the road]_{2159-the road} out of [the city]_{497-the city} . [I]_0-i do n’t know whether to talk to [her]_1535-lauren . Attempt to make [her]_1535-lauren feel at ease . [I]_0-i have not one fucking clue how to handle this . [I]_0-i ’m just so thankful [Ava]_238-ava and [the kids]_{2010-the kids} are out of harm ’s way . And yet [Ava]_238-ava must be terrified — by what ’s happening now , and by the flood of memories . [My]_0-i knuckles go white on the steering wheel , [my]_0-i heart pulsing with pain . [I]_0-i could go on a rampage . Destroy everything in sight , starting with [Lauren]_1535-lauren . But [I]_0-i have to stay calm and sensible if [I]_0-i ’m going to get through this . As [my]_0-i phone persistently vibrates in [my]_0-i pocket , [I]_0-i mentally talk to [Ava]_238-ava , telling [her]_238-ava over and over to think about what [I]_0-i said as [I]_0-i left . [I]_0-i beg for the penny to drop through [her]_238-ava despair and fear . “_[0-i] Right at [the roundabout]_{1756-the roundabout} . ” [Lauren]_1535-lauren breaks into [my]_1757-i thoughts with [her]_1535-lauren curt order , and [I]_1757-i follow [her]_1535-lauren instructions , taking [the country road farther out of [the city]_{497-the city}]_{3283-the country road farther out of the city} . Every time [I]_1757-i catch sight of [her]_1535-lauren , [I]_1757-i feel sick . “_[1757-i] [You]_1757-i like ? ” [she]_1535-lauren asks , scrunching [her]_1535-lauren hair when [she]_1535-lauren catches [me]_1757-i looking . “_[1757-i] [You]_1757-i ’re into [brunettes]_{1758-brunettes} , right ? ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m into [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie and [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie alone . ” The venom in [my]_0-i tone is savage but unstoppable . [She]_26-maddie ignores [my]_0-i scathing retort and proceeds to pat down [her]_26-maddie black lace dress . “_[0-i] [She]_26-maddie picked this for [me]_0-i . ” One foot comes up and rests on the dashboard . “_[26-maddie] And these are [hers]_26-maddie . [You]_1760-you must like what [you]_1760-you see . ” What [I]_1760-you see makes [me]_1760-you want to vomit . “_[1760-you] [You]_1760-you look very nice , [Lauren]_1535-lauren , ” [I]_1535-lauren say carefully , silently running through [my]_1535-lauren options . There are three , as [I]_1535-lauren see it : Fight or flee being two of the obvious , though that gun [she]_1535-lauren ’s holding like it could be a vital part of [her]_1535-lauren outfit is rendering those options redundant . Then there ’s the third option , the one [I]_1535-lauren ’m going to take . Pacify [her]_1535-lauren . Draw [her]_1535-lauren into a false sense of security . “_{[1535-lauren]} How did [you]_1760-you find [us]_1761-us ? ” “_[1760-you] Well , there [I]_0-i am enjoying [my]_0-i morning coffee reading the paper and suddenly [I]_0-i ’m staring at [her]_0-i . [She]_0-i lost [her]_0-i memory , [they]_1762-they said . Such a shame . [They]_1762-they kindly mentioned that [Ava]_238-ava and [[her]_238-ava husband]_26-maddie ran [a health club]_{2568-a health club} . It was n’t hard to find [you]_1760-you . ” [She]_0-i sighs , pointing the gun to the signpost up ahead as [I]_26-maddie bristle and curse [the fucking journalists]_{3285-the fucking journalists} to hell and back . “_[26-maddie] Left there . ” It ’s [the area where [we]_1765-we grew up]_2274-here . “_[26-maddie] Why are [we]_1765-we [here]_2274-here ? ” [I]_26-maddie take the turn and keep [my]_26-maddie speed at thirty as [we]_1765-we drive down [the narrow country road toward [the village]_{3287-the village}]_{3286-the narrow country road toward the village} . “_[26-maddie] A trip down [memory lane]_{2444-memory lane} . ” [She]_0-i turns in [her]_0-i seat . “_[26-maddie] Remember [the barn where [we]_1765-we first kissed]_{1768-the barn} ? ” “_[26-maddie] Yes . ” [I]_26-maddie remember [the barn]_{1768-the barn} , but [I]_26-maddie have no recollection of the kiss . [She]_0-i could be making it up . Or not . Over the years , [I]_26-maddie ’ve successfully eradicated most memories of [Lauren]_1535-lauren from [my]_26-maddie life . Cleansed [my]_26-maddie mind and left space for only the things that mean something to [me]_26-maddie . Like [Rosie]_66-rosie . Like [[my]_26-maddie brother]_{2431-my brother} . [I]_26-maddie want to ask when [she]_0-i was released from [the nuthouse]_{3289-the nuthouse} . [I]_26-maddie also want to ask what imbecile deemed [her]_0-i safe to [the outside world]_{3290-the outside world} . Though [I]_26-maddie know bringing that up would be unwise . Besides , [I]_26-maddie know [she]_0-i ’s safe to [most people]_{3291-most people} . It ’s just [me]_26-maddie and [[my]_26-maddie family]_{358-my family} [she]_0-i has a vendetta against . [She]_0-i ’s volatile . [I]_26-maddie should n’t say anything to push [her]_0-i over the edge . [We]_3293-we were assured that if [she]_0-i were ever released , [we]_3293-we ’d be informed . And it was a massive if . How the fuck did this happen ? Why did n’t [we]_3293-we know ? More questions mount , tearing up [my]_26-maddie mind as [I]_26-maddie stare ahead . The clouds on the horizon are dense and low , giving the illusion of [an impressive mountain range]_{3294-an impressive mountain range} . Though however dull the sky is , the surroundings are beautiful . Fields stretch for miles , a patchwork of yellows and greens , though [my]_26-maddie appreciation is stunted by memories of [my]_26-maddie childhood and teenage years . [We]_3293-we approach [the small , idyllic village church where [I]_26-maddie married [the lunatic]_{3295-the small , idyllic village church where i married the lunatic now sitting next to me} now sitting next to [me]_26-maddie]_{3295-the small , idyllic village church where i married the lunatic now sitting next to me} . Flashbacks hit [me]_26-maddie from all directions , [my]_26-maddie hands now bloodless , [my]_26-maddie jaw aching terribly from the force of [my]_26-maddie bite as [I]_26-maddie fight the memories away . [I]_26-maddie see [me]_26-maddie , barely [a man]_{224-a man} , standing at the entrance of [the church]_{3295-the small , idyllic village church where i married the lunatic now sitting next to me} , [[Lauren]_1535-lauren ’s parents]_{3297-lauren ’s parents} talking [me]_26-maddie into entering . There ’s a sea of faces , all smiling . [I]_26-maddie see [the priest]_{3298-the priest} up ahead , [his]_{3298-the priest} Bible resting in [his]_{3298-the priest} open hands . [I]_26-maddie hear [myself]_26-maddie asking [him]_{3298-the priest} to pray for [me]_26-maddie . To help [me]_26-maddie . [He]_{3298-the priest} could n’t have heard [my]_26-maddie silent pleas . That , or [he]_{3298-the priest} and [the Mighty One]_{3299-the mighty one} decided [I]_26-maddie was getting what [I]_26-maddie deserved . That [I]_26-maddie would pay for the rest of [my]_26-maddie life for being so reckless with [[my]_26-maddie brother]_{2431-my brother} ’s life . And [I]_26-maddie have . [I]_26-maddie ’ve paid tenfold . When does it stop ? When will the punishments end ? “_[26-maddie] Fond memories . [We]_1769-we could have been so happy . ” [Lauren]_1535-lauren sighs dreamily as [we]_1769-we pass [the ancient place of worship]_{3301-the ancient place of worship} , [the car]_{2161-the car} jumping from the endless divots in [the old road]_{3303-the old road} . “_[1769-we] Until [you]_1770-you ruined it . Turn down the next road on the left . ” [I]_1535-lauren say nothing , for fear [I]_1535-lauren might say the wrong thing , and take [the next lane]_{3304-the next lane} as instructed . [I]_1535-lauren see [the barn]_{1768-the barn} up ahead , [the ramshackle building]_{3306-the ramshackle building} barely still standing . “_{[1535-lauren]} What are [we]_1769-we doing [here]_2274-here , [Lauren]_1535-lauren ? ” “_[454-jesse] Shut up , [Jesse]_454-jesse , ” [she]_1535-lauren spits as [I]_454-jesse roll to a stop outside [the deserted barn]_{1768-the barn} . “_[454-jesse] [I]_0-i ’m surprised [you]_1770-you have n’t asked [me]_0-i about [my]_0-i delightful stay courtesy of [[Her]_1535-lauren Majesty [the queen]_{1329-the queen}]_{1329-the queen} . ” “_{[1329-the queen]} What does it matter ? ” [I]_1770-you turn to face [her]_1535-lauren , enduring the face of pure evil . “_[1770-you] [You]_1770-you ’re here now . ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i was [such a good girl]_0-i . ” [She]_1535-lauren smiles , as if thinking fondly . “_[0-i] [The doctors]_{2181-the doctors} knew [I]_0-i was n’t bad to the core . Just terribly hurt . [Assessments]_{160-assessments} proved it . [They]_{160-assessments} put [me]_0-i on a program . [I]_0-i was [an A - grade student]_{1774-an a - grade student} , the perfect reformed example . So [they]_{160-assessments} released [me]_0-i . ” [She]_1535-lauren smiles proudly , while [I]_{160-assessments} force [my]_{160-assessments} frown into hiding . [She]_1535-lauren fooled [them]_{160-assessments} ? Made [them]_{160-assessments} believe [she]_1535-lauren ’s stable so [she]_1535-lauren could come out [here]_2274-here and finish a job [she]_1535-lauren started over a decade ago ? “_{[160-assessments]} That ’s when [I]_0-i became [Zara Cross]_116-zara . ” “_{[160-assessments]} [They]_{160-assessments} gave [you]_1775-you a new identity ? ” “_{[160-assessments]} The good old justice system . [I]_0-i was vulnerable , [Jesse]_454-jesse . [You]_1775-you see , [I]_0-i ’m not crazy . [I]_0-i know damn well what [I]_0-i ’m doing , and [I]_0-i know that as soon as [I]_0-i rid this world of [your]_1775-you despicable life , [I]_0-i ’ll be carted back to [a padded cell]_{1776-a padded cell} to live out the rest of [my]_0-i days . ” [She]_1535-lauren pokes [me]_0-i in the arm with the barrel of the gun . “_[0-i] Except [I]_0-i do n’t want to live anymore . [I]_0-i ’m done with this life . ” [My]_1535-lauren eyes lift from the gun to [her]_1535-lauren empty dull pits of fading blue , and [I]_1535-lauren comprehend immediately that [she]_1535-lauren means it wholeheartedly . “_{[1535-lauren]} [Lauren]_1535-lauren , it does n’t have to be like this . ” [I]_1535-lauren try to work on [her]_1535-lauren reason . “_{[1535-lauren]} [You]_1775-you can be happy again . ” [She]_1535-lauren laughs . It ’s cold and it ’s fake . “_[1775-you] [You]_1775-you mean like [you]_1775-you ? [You]_1775-you think [I]_0-i should replace [Rosie]_66-rosie and pretend [she]_66-rosie never existed ? No , [Jesse]_454-jesse . Never . And do [you]_1775-you honestly think [I]_0-i ’m willing to stand by and watch [you]_1775-you wash away [her]_66-rosie memory with [a few more kids]_{1777-a few more kids} and [that wife of [yours]_1779-yours]_{2641-our daughter} ? [[Our]_1780-our daughter]_{2641-our daughter} deserves justice . ” Another poke of [my]_{2641-our daughter} arm . “_{[2641-our daughter]} Get out . ” [I]_{2641-our daughter} blindly reach for the handle , pulling [myself]_{2641-our daughter} from [the car]_{235-my car} as [I]_{2641-our daughter} keep an eye on [Lauren]_1535-lauren getting out of the other side . [Her]_1535-lauren plan now is crystal clear in [my]_{2641-our daughter} head . [She]_1535-lauren ’ll pull that trigger on [me]_{2641-our daughter} , and then turn it on [herself]_1535-lauren . [She]_1535-lauren ’s not going back to [prison]_3309-prison . As [she]_1535-lauren rounds [the car]_{235-my car} , [she]_1535-lauren struggles on the uneven ground in [Ava]_238-ava ’s heels , having to hold the bonnet of [[my]_{2641-our daughter} car]_{235-my car} for support . [She]_1535-lauren eventually kicks the shoes off , motioning with the gun toward [the barn]_{1768-the barn} . [I]_{2641-our daughter} silently lead , looking up at the filthy wooden planks that make up [the derelict structure]_{3311-the derelict structure} , seeing endless broken slats hanging off , most cracked . Once [we]_3312-we ’re inside the huge empty space , [I]_{2641-our daughter} look down at the concrete floor scattered with old strands of hay from decades ago , [my]_{2641-our daughter} steps echoing around [us]_3312-we . “_{[2641-our daughter]} Up [the stairs]_{244-the stairs} . ” There ’s [a rickety staircase with one or two steps missing]_{3313-a rickety staircase with one or two steps missing} . [I]_1535-lauren honestly doubt the rotten wood will take [my]_1535-lauren weight . “_{[1535-lauren]} [Lauren]_1535-lauren , that does n’t look safe . ” “_[263-argh] [Argh]_263-argh , ” [she]_1535-lauren coos , jamming the gun in [my]_263-argh lower back . “_[263-argh] Are [you]_1535-lauren worried [I]_0-i ’ll injure [myself]_0-i ? ” [I]_0-i think for a moment , considering another way through this nightmare . How long has it been since [someone]_305-anyone showed [her]_305-anyone any compassion or love ? How long since [anyone]_305-anyone actually worried about [her]_305-anyone ? [[Her]_305-anyone parents]_{2182-her parents} disowned [her]_305-anyone . [She]_305-anyone ’s had [no one]_{210-no one} except [the professionals]_{3317-the professionals} poking at [her]_305-anyone mind . [I]_0-i flinch where [I]_0-i stand at the bottom of [the stairs]_{244-the stairs} , sick at the thought of it . Can [I]_0-i do it ? Can [I]_0-i fool [her]_305-anyone into thinking [I]_0-i actually care ? [My]_0-i stomach turns , [my]_0-i mind reels . The words [I]_0-i should say are thick on [my]_0-i tongue . [She]_305-anyone loved [me]_0-i once . And something deep and disturbing inside [me]_0-i warns [me]_0-i that [she]_305-anyone still does . That ’s why [she]_305-anyone ’s so fucked up . That ’s why [she]_305-anyone ’s on a mission to destroy [me]_0-i . If [she]_305-anyone ca n’t be happy , then neither can [I.]_0-i If [she]_305-anyone ca n’t have [me]_0-i , then [no one]_{210-no one} can . There ’s a fine line between love and hate , and [I]_0-i think [Lauren]_1535-lauren is straddling that line . The question is , can [I]_0-i tip [her]_1535-lauren in [my]_0-i favor ? [I]_0-i do n’t want to . What [I]_0-i want to do is rip [her]_1535-lauren apart piece by piece until [she]_1535-lauren ’s nothing but a pile of body parts at [my]_0-i feet . But no matter what , no matter how [I]_0-i get there , [I]_0-i need to make it back to [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie . Preferably in one piece . [I]_0-i ca n’t put [Ava]_238-ava through the agony of thinking [she]_1535-lauren ’s lost [me]_0-i again . [I]_0-i ’ve been there [myself]_0-i recently . It ’s lower than hell . [I]_0-i slowly turn to face [Lauren]_1535-lauren and conjure up the words [my]_0-i heart forbids [me]_0-i to say . “_[0-i] Yes , actually . [I]_0-i do care . ” [I]_0-i keep [my]_0-i eyes on [hers]_1535-lauren , searching for anything to suggest this might work . It ’s [my]_0-i only hope . “_[0-i] Would that be so hard to believe ? ” It happens so fast , [I]_1782-i nearly miss it . A flash of surprise , followed by a frown . “_[1782-i] [You]_1782-i care ? ” [She]_1535-lauren ’s on the verge of laughter , though [I]_0-i hear hope , actual hope , and it drives [me]_0-i , confirms [I]_0-i ’m bang on the money . [I]_0-i feel like [I]_0-i ’m selling [my]_0-i soul to [the fucking devil]_{3321-the fucking devil} , but [I]_0-i ’ll buy it back . One way or another , [I]_0-i ’m making it [home]_201-home . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i never stopped caring , [Lauren]_1535-lauren . Look at [my]_0-i life before [you]_1535-lauren . [I]_0-i lost [the person [I]_0-i was closest to in [the fucking world]_{1294-the fucking world}]_{1783-the person i was closest to in the fucking world} . It fucked [me]_0-i up . [I]_0-i did things [I]_0-i regret . Said things [I]_0-i did n’t mean . It was n’t personal . [You]_1785-i were just another casualty on [[my]_0-i road]_{1786-my road} to self - destruction . ” It ’s now [I]_1785-i realize that most of what [I]_1785-i ’m saying is true . There ’s just one small bit that is n’t . The caring part , but the truth is , [I]_1785-i only stopped caring , stopped feeling guilty , when [she]_1535-lauren turned on [Ava]_238-ava all those years ago . At that point , [she]_1535-lauren was dead to [me]_1785-i . [I]_1785-i see doubt in [her]_1535-lauren eyes , but [I]_1785-i also see the need to believe [me]_1785-i . And now [I]_1785-i believe [her]_1535-lauren . [I]_1785-i do n’t think [she]_1535-lauren ’s crazy at all . [I]_1785-i think [she]_1535-lauren ’s broken . [I]_1785-i think [she]_1535-lauren needs closure , and [I]_1785-i think the only way [she]_1535-lauren feels [she]_1535-lauren can get it is by destroying [me]_1785-i and then [herself]_1535-lauren . [I]_1785-i can make [her]_1535-lauren see differently . [I]_1785-i have to make [her]_1535-lauren see differently . [I]_1785-i take one careful step toward [her]_1535-lauren and [she]_1535-lauren lowers the gun just a fraction . “_[1785-i] Why ’d [you]_1787-you do this ? ” [I]_1785-i ask , motioning up and down [her]_1535-lauren body . “_[1785-i] The dress . The hair . Why , [Lauren]_1535-lauren ? ” There ’s only one explanation . [She]_1535-lauren wants to be [Ava]_238-ava . [She]_1535-lauren wants to be [mine]_0-i . [Her]_1535-lauren lip quivers . “_{[1535-lauren]} It hurts [me]_0-i how much [you]_1787-you love [her]_1535-lauren . It killed [me]_0-i to listen to [her]_1535-lauren tell [me]_0-i over yoga and coffee how devoted [you]_1787-you are . Why could n’t [you]_1787-you be that for [me]_0-i ? Why could n’t [you]_1787-you love [me]_0-i with that much passion ? ” [Her]_1535-lauren voice finally cracks . “_[238-ava] When [I]_0-i was ill , like [Ava]_238-ava has been , why could n’t [you]_1787-you do whatever it took to make [me]_0-i better ? ” [Tears]_161-tears form a river down [her]_1535-lauren cheeks . “_[1787-you] [You]_1787-you will do anything for [that woman]_1535-lauren . What is it about [her]_1535-lauren ? ” And there [we]_3323-we have it . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’ll help [you]_1787-you , [Lauren]_1535-lauren . [I]_0-i promise [I]_0-i ’ll help [you]_1787-you . ” [I]_0-i ’m surprised [I]_0-i really mean it . [I]_0-i do n’t know how [I]_0-i can help [her]_1535-lauren , but , honestly , if it means [I]_0-i get back to [[my]_0-i family]_{358-my family} , [I]_0-i ’m prepared to do anything . “_[0-i] Will [you]_1787-you love [me]_0-i like [you]_1787-you love [her]_1535-lauren ? ” The words [she]_1535-lauren wants to hear wo n’t come . [I]_0-i ca n’t say them . [I]_0-i ’ll help [her]_1535-lauren , but [I]_0-i ca n’t love [her]_1535-lauren like [she]_1535-lauren wants to be loved . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i … ” [She]_1535-lauren smiles , but this time it ’s not malicious . It ’s sad . “_[1787-you] [You]_1787-you ca n’t , [I]_0-i know . ” [She]_1535-lauren points to [the stairs]_{244-the stairs} . [I]_1535-lauren take a long breath , pinching the bridge of [my]_1535-lauren nose . “_{[1535-lauren]} [Lauren]_1535-lauren — ” “_[1787-you] [You]_1787-you ’ve said enough . Just go . ” [I]_1787-you close [my]_1787-you eyes as [I]_1787-you turn , looking up to the heavens as [I]_1787-you take [the unstable old staircase]_{244-the stairs} to [the hay store]_{3326-the hay store} above . “_[1787-you] Do n’t do this , [Lauren]_1535-lauren , [I]_0-i beg [you]_1787-you . ” It ’s all [I]_0-i have left . Pleas . [I]_0-i do n’t get a reply . What [I]_0-i get instead is the clicking sound of the safety being disengaged . [The barn]_{1768-the barn} is empty . There ’s nowhere to take cover if [she]_1535-lauren gets trigger - happy . [I]_0-i look over [my]_0-i shoulder as [I]_0-i reach the top of [the stairs]_{244-the stairs} , finding [her]_1535-lauren a few steps behind [me]_0-i . Not too far , but far enough to have the upper hand , far enough to fire before [I]_0-i make it to [her]_1535-lauren should [I]_0-i fight . [I]_0-i ’m fucking snookered . [She]_1535-lauren swallows as [she]_1535-lauren points to a huge opening in the wood looking out onto [the countryside]_{3328-the countryside} . [I]_0-i ’ve heard funny things run through [your]_1787-you mind when [you]_1787-you ’re staring death in the face , and currently running through [my]_0-i mind is how beautiful that view is . How lush and green [the land]_{3329-the land} is . How this might be the last thing [I]_0-i see . [I]_0-i approach and widen [my]_0-i stance , [my]_0-i back to [Lauren]_1535-lauren . [My]_0-i mind settles , but determination fights forward . Here , [I]_0-i ’m a sitting duck . [I]_0-i ’m [a dead man]_1535-lauren . No question , [her]_1535-lauren aim is clear . If [I]_0-i charge [her]_1535-lauren , [she]_1535-lauren ’ll be shooting in a rush . [She]_1535-lauren ’ll be clumsy . [She]_1535-lauren might hit [me]_0-i , but the chances of [her]_1535-lauren getting [her]_1535-lauren aim right under pressure are reduced . [I]_0-i turn , every muscle in [my]_0-i body readying . [Her]_1535-lauren head cocks , and [she]_1535-lauren must see the determination in [my]_0-i gaze because [she]_1535-lauren flexes [her]_1535-lauren two - handed grip on the gun . “_[0-i] Do n’t do anything stupid , ” [she]_1535-lauren warns . “_[0-i] Then just fucking shoot [me]_0-i , [Lauren]_1535-lauren , ” [I]_60-jacob goad . Why is [she]_1535-lauren dragging this out ? [One]_162-one would assume [her]_1535-lauren sick head is enjoying the anticipation of [my]_60-jacob death . Or could [she]_1535-lauren be searching for the strength [she]_1535-lauren needs to kill [the man [she]_1535-lauren loves]_26-maddie ? [I]_60-jacob do n’t get the chance to reach a conclusion on that . [I]_60-jacob hear a noise [downstairs]_{256-downstairs} , the sound of a piece of wood snapping . [My]_60-jacob gaze shoots to the gaping hole in the floor where [the stairs]_{244-the stairs} drop . More wood snaps , the sound echoing through [the barn]_{1768-the barn} and ricocheting off the walls . [I]_60-jacob see something emerge from the opening , and it takes [me]_60-jacob two seconds to recognize who . There ’s no mistaking the shiny , bald , black head . [My]_60-jacob heart lurches as [Lauren]_1535-lauren swings the gun in [his]_162-one direction . And [he]_162-one ’s completely unaware . “_[60-jacob] [John]_60-jacob ! ” [I]_{75-motherfucker} yell , making [Lauren]_1535-lauren spin around to face [me]_{75-motherfucker} . [I]_{75-motherfucker} raise [my]_{75-motherfucker} hands in the air and back up until [I]_{75-motherfucker} ’m forced to stop or plunge fifty feet from the opening to the concrete below . “_{[75-motherfucker]} [Motherfucker]_{75-motherfucker} , ” [John]_60-jacob breathes once [he]_162-one ’s made it safely to the top of [the stairs]_{244-the stairs} . [He]_162-one slowly pulls off [his]_162-one sunglasses . [His]_162-one nostrils flare . [His]_162-one huge chest heaves . “_{[75-motherfucker]} Put the fucking gun down , [Lauren]_1535-lauren . ” Most would heed the threat in [his]_162-one booming voice . [Lauren]_1535-lauren is n’t most . [She]_1535-lauren moves a few paces to the right , putting [her]_1535-lauren at an even distance between [both of [us]_{461-both of us}]_{461-both of us} , the gun swinging back and forth between [our]_{461-both of us} bodies . [My]_1535-lauren head twists and warps , [my]_1535-lauren panic rising . Did [Ava]_238-ava click ? Did [she]_238-ava realize what [I]_1535-lauren was telling [her]_238-ava ? Then why the fuck did n’t [she]_238-ava call [the police]_{2309-the police} ? Not [John]_60-jacob , [the police]_{2309-the police} ! “_{[1535-lauren]} [You]_1788-you should go , [John]_60-jacob , ” [Lauren]_1535-lauren warns . “_[60-jacob] This is between [me]_0-i and [Jesse]_454-jesse . ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m going nowhere . ” [He]_454-jesse ’s resolute , and [I]_0-i know [he]_454-jesse means it . “_[0-i] Then [you]_1788-you can watch . ” Before [I]_1535-lauren can even register , the gun is on [me]_1535-lauren , [her]_238-ava body turning in what seems like slow motion . And [she]_238-ava wastes no time pulling the trigger . The loudest bang pierces the air , and [my]_1535-lauren body jolts as [John]_60-jacob throws [himself]_60-jacob across [the barn]_{1768-the barn} toward [Lauren]_1535-lauren . [My]_1535-lauren vision blurs , but [I]_1535-lauren manage to see [her]_1535-lauren turning the gun on [herself]_1535-lauren , taking it toward [her]_1535-lauren temple . [John]_60-jacob roars , and [Lauren]_1535-lauren crashes to the ground . [I]_1535-lauren hear another bang as [they]_3337-they roll across the dusty floor . It ’s only the sound of [Lauren]_1535-lauren ’s screams that tell [me]_1535-lauren [she]_1535-lauren missed . Numb , frozen , [I]_1535-lauren look down [my]_1535-lauren torso , searching for the dark crimson soaking [my]_1535-lauren T - shirt . There ’s nothing . Then there ’s something . Pain , fuck [me]_1535-lauren , pain . [I]_1535-lauren hiss and grasp the top of [my]_1535-lauren arm , the blood now found , growing rapidly on [my]_1535-lauren sleeve . The bolts of pain only keep [my]_1535-lauren attention for a microsecond , a grunt from [John]_60-jacob realigning [my]_1535-lauren focus . [Lauren]_1535-lauren ’s made it onto [her]_1535-lauren feet , and [she]_1535-lauren ’s still holding the gun . [She]_1535-lauren walks back , struggling for breath , wild eyes darting . [She]_1535-lauren looks disoriented , unsteady as [she]_1535-lauren backs up , the hole in the floor getting closer and closer , the wood all crumbled around the edges . [I]_1535-lauren see what ’s about to happen , and for the life of [me]_1535-lauren , [I]_1535-lauren ca n’t think why [I]_1535-lauren try to warn [her]_1535-lauren . “_{[1535-lauren]} [Lauren]_1535-lauren , no ! ” [I]_1535-lauren ’m too late . The floor cracks , and [she]_1535-lauren loses [her]_1535-lauren footing . [She]_1535-lauren screams . It ’s a bloodcurdling scream — a scream that will haunt [me]_1535-lauren for the rest of [my]_1535-lauren days . A scream that tells [me]_1535-lauren [she]_1535-lauren does n’t really want to die . Instinct has [me]_1535-lauren rushing forward as [her]_1535-lauren arms flail and [she]_1535-lauren plummets backward , the gun firing again before the floor completely gives . [I]_1535-lauren flinch and look away when [her]_1535-lauren head crashes against the edge of a jagged piece of broken wood as [she]_1535-lauren falls through the floor , the impact silencing [her]_1535-lauren . [I]_1535-lauren know [she]_1535-lauren ’s dead before [she]_1535-lauren hits the concrete below . But [I]_1535-lauren still wince on a helpless , broken sob when the thud of [her]_1535-lauren body meeting the ground penetrates the air , the sound of cracking bones torturous . [My]_1535-lauren breathing diminishes , [my]_1535-lauren blood running cold , as [I]_1535-lauren fight to get air into [my]_1535-lauren lungs , the pain kicking back in . [My]_1535-lauren arm begins to throb , becomes lead hanging from [my]_1535-lauren shoulder . Forcing [my]_1535-lauren eyes back to the gaping hole in the floor , [I]_1535-lauren carefully tread to the edge of it and peer over . [I]_1535-lauren do n’t know why . [I]_1535-lauren ’m in conflict , relieved , sad , angry . [Lauren]_1535-lauren ’s mangled body lies in an unthinkable position , [her]_1535-lauren dead eyes staring up at [me]_1535-lauren . [I]_1535-lauren hiss , jumping back from the edge , a low , pain - filled moan piercing [my]_1535-lauren muddled head . But the moan does n’t come from [me]_1535-lauren . [I]_1535-lauren whirl around and find [John]_60-jacob on [his]_3338-his back , a pool of dark red growing around [his]_3338-his big body . [His]_3338-his bloody hand is resting on [his]_3338-his abdomen . Shock stills [me]_1535-lauren . Panic finds [me]_1535-lauren again . [I]_1535-lauren ’m a mass of useless muscles . [My]_1535-lauren mind has quit thinking , [my]_1535-lauren head an empty mess . “_{[1535-lauren]} Help [me]_0-i , [[you]_0-i stupid motherfucker]_{360-you stupid motherfucker} . ” [His]_3338-his words are all but a gargle of pain , [his]_3338-his eyes rolling in [their]_3338-his sockets . [His]_3338-his weak demand wakes [me]_{360-you stupid motherfucker} from [my]_{360-you stupid motherfucker} inertia , and [I]_{360-you stupid motherfucker} bolt across [the barn]_{1768-the barn} , dropping to [my]_{360-you stupid motherfucker} knees by [his]_3338-his side . [His]_3338-his breathing is shallow . [His]_3338-his black skin paling . [My]_{360-you stupid motherfucker} hands go to [my]_{360-you stupid motherfucker} hair and pull , panicked . “_{[360-you stupid motherfucker]} Fuck ! ” [I]_60-jacob yell , finally finding the sense to get [my]_60-jacob phone . [I]_60-jacob dial 999 , demand [an ambulance]_{2167-an ambulance} , mindlessly reel off where [we]_3341-we are . “_[60-jacob] [John]_60-jacob . ” [I]_60-jacob grab [his]_3338-his face , squeezing tightly . “_[60-jacob] [John]_60-jacob , keep [your]_60-jacob eyes open , [buddy]_60-jacob . Just keep [your]_60-jacob eyes open . ” “_[60-jacob] Fuck [you]_60-jacob , ” [he]_3338-his breathes , trying to focus on [me]_60-jacob . “_[60-jacob] There ’s [ten of [you]_60-jacob]_{1790-ten of you} , [[you]_60-jacob bastard]_60-jacob . ” “_[60-jacob] There ’ll be a thousand of [me]_0-i if [you]_60-jacob do n’t keep [your]_60-jacob eyes open , [big man]_{361-big man} , and [every one of [them]_1793-them]_{1792-every one of them} will be kicking [your]_60-jacob big black arse . ” [My]_60-jacob voice is breaking , [my]_60-jacob hope dying with every second that passes , [his]_3338-his eyes closing for longer each time . A lump the size of a small planet wedges itself in [my]_60-jacob throat . “_[60-jacob] [John]_60-jacob . ” [I]_60-jacob take [his]_3338-his shoulders , shaking , and [his]_3338-his eyes drag open with effort . The whites , usually stark and bright , are bloodshot . “_[60-jacob] What the fuck , [John]_60-jacob ? ” [I]_60-jacob lose control of [my]_60-jacob emotions and spill tears all over [his]_3338-his face . “_[60-jacob] What the fuck have [you]_60-jacob done ? ” [He]_3338-his smiles . It ’s tired and [his]_3338-his body goes limp in [my]_0-i hold . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i … [I]_0-i … , ” [he]_3338-his gasps , sucking in oxygen . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i told … [I]_0-i told [Carmichael]_{2143-uncle carmichael} … ” Drawing air , [he]_3338-his winces . “_{[75-motherfucker]} [Motherfucker]_{75-motherfucker} , ” [he]_3338-his breathes , straining to keep [his]_3338-his eyes open . “_{[75-motherfucker]} [I]_0-i told [him]_{2143-uncle carmichael} [I]_0-i ’d always look out for … [you]_60-jacob . ” [His]_{2143-uncle carmichael} confession splits [my]_60-jacob heart clean in two . “_[60-jacob] [John]_60-jacob , ” [I]_60-jacob choke , struggling to see [him]_{2143-uncle carmichael} through [my]_60-jacob flooding eyes . “_[60-jacob] It’s … it ’s time for [you]_60-jacob to go it alone , [boy]_60-jacob . ” [His]_{2143-uncle carmichael} eyes close , and [I]_60-jacob release a ragged sob , shaking [him]_{2143-uncle carmichael} harder , desperate for [him]_{2143-uncle carmichael} to stay with [me]_60-jacob . “_[60-jacob] [John]_60-jacob , [[you]_60-jacob bastard]_60-jacob , open [your]_60-jacob fucking eyes ! ” But [he]_{2143-uncle carmichael} does n’t . Because [he]_{2143-uncle carmichael} ’s already gone . “_[60-jacob] No ! ” [I]_60-jacob drop [his]_{2143-uncle carmichael} shoulders , falling to [my]_60-jacob arse and crying like [I]_60-jacob ’ve never cried before , relentless pain ripping through [my]_60-jacob broken body . “_[60-jacob] [John]_60-jacob , ” [I]_60-jacob mumble , squeezing [my]_60-jacob eyes closed , unable to see [him]_{2143-uncle carmichael} like this . Lifeless . Limp . [This man]_{2143-uncle carmichael} has sacrificed everything for [me]_60-jacob . Love , happiness , freedom . [He]_{2143-uncle carmichael} ’s been there at every turn , good and bad , and now [he]_{2143-uncle carmichael} ’s gone . Gone because of [me]_60-jacob . [He]_{2143-uncle carmichael} ’s given the ultimate sacrifice . [His]_{2143-uncle carmichael} life for [mine]_60-jacob . [My]_60-jacob sobs come , thicker and faster . [[My]_60-jacob guardian angel]_{3342-my guardian angel} . [He]_{2143-uncle carmichael} ’s been by [my]_60-jacob side through good and bad , has never faltered in [his]_{2143-uncle carmichael} loyalty . [He]_{2143-uncle carmichael} ’s kicked [my]_60-jacob arse and picked [me]_60-jacob up when [I]_60-jacob ’ve been down . And the space inside [me]_60-jacob , the special place in [my]_60-jacob soul where [John]_60-jacob belongs , is gaping wide open . [He]_{2143-uncle carmichael} ’s [[my]_60-jacob fucking hero]_60-jacob . And [he]_{2143-uncle carmichael} ’s gone . Chapter 55 Sirens . Lights . Shouts . The chaos in the middle of [the pretty countryside]_{3343-the pretty countryside} is ugly . Voices are speaking to [me]_60-jacob but [I]_60-jacob ’m hearing no words . Regret and guilt leave [no room]_{3344-no room} for anything else . “_[60-jacob] How was [she]_1794-she granted release ? ” [I]_1794-she ask [the police officer who ’s been trying to speak to [me]_1794-she as a paramedic inspects the hole in [my]_1794-she arm]_{3345-the police officer who ’s been trying to speak to me as a paramedic inspects the hole in my arm} . “_[1794-she] All this is because [some clever prick]_{1795-some clever prick} was hoodwinked by [a crazy woman]_26-maddie . ” [I]_{57-mr. ward} shrug [my]_{57-mr. ward} arm , knocking the paramedic ’s hands away . “_{[57-mr. ward]} [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} , [I]_0-i know nothing of the circumstances surrounding [[your]_1797-your ex - wife]_{1742-your ex - wife} ’s release from [hospital]_{1334-hospital} . ” “_{[57-mr. ward]} [Hospital]_{1334-hospital} ? ” [I]_{57-mr. ward} stare at [him]_{57-mr. ward} in disbelief . “_{[57-mr. ward]} No , [a hospital]_{1334-hospital} is where [you]_1800-you go when [you]_1800-you ’re ill or injured . Not when [you]_1800-you are [a fucking psychopathic , merciless woman with a fucked - up vendetta]_26-maddie . ” [I]_26-maddie feel hands on [my]_26-maddie arm again . “_[26-maddie] Get the fuck off [me]_0-i ! ” [I]_26-maddie bellow , making [her]_26-maddie back away vigilantly . “_[26-maddie] [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} , please , calm down . ” “_{[57-mr. ward]} Calm down ? ” [I]_{57-mr. ward} would n’t be able to find calm if it dropped at [my]_{57-mr. ward} feet . Anger is consuming [me]_{57-mr. ward} . [I]_{57-mr. ward} feel dangerous . “_{[57-mr. ward]} [[My]_0-i wife]_26-maddie and [kids]_2298-kids were threatened . [I]_0-i had a gun pointed at [me]_0-i for over an hour . ” [I]_0-i throw [my]_0-i arm out toward [the barn]_{1768-the barn} . “_[0-i] [[My]_0-i best fucking mate]_{1802-my best fucking mate} has just been murdered ! ” [I]_0-i stagger back with the force of [my]_0-i roar , feeling all control escaping [me]_0-i . “_[0-i] [You]_{1802-my best fucking mate} better leave [me]_0-i alone , ” [I]_0-i warn . “_[0-i] Just leave [me]_0-i the fuck alone until [you]_{1802-my best fucking mate} can give [me]_0-i answers . ” [I]_454-jesse back away to the wall of [the barn]_{1768-the barn} and slump against the wood , lowering [my]_454-jesse arse to the dusty gravel before it can fall there . [I]_454-jesse sit , fighting to rein [myself]_454-jesse in . If [Lauren]_1535-lauren were n’t dead already , [I]_454-jesse would kill [her]_1535-lauren with [my]_454-jesse bare hands . It would n’t be quick . It would be long and torturous . [I]_454-jesse should have acted earlier . [I]_454-jesse should have listened to [my]_454-jesse gut and intervened before [John]_60-jacob got there . [I]_454-jesse look up when [I]_454-jesse hear [someone]_293-someone shout for space , and see a body bag being stretchered out of [the barn]_{1768-the barn} . The size , the way [the two women]_{3348-the two women} at each end of the stretcher move it with ease , tells [me]_454-jesse it ’s [Lauren]_1535-lauren in that bag . Then another follows , this one negotiated by [two men]_{3349-two men} . [My]_454-jesse bottom lip quivers , [my]_454-jesse face falling into [my]_454-jesse palms . [I]_454-jesse ca n’t watch . It ’s too final . “_[454-jesse] [Jesse]_454-jesse ! ” [I]_1803-i look up and find [Ava]_238-ava scrambling out of [a car]_{3350-a car} , [her]_238-ava face frantic . [I]_1803-i choke on nothing , bringing [my]_1803-i balled fists to [my]_1803-i temples and pushing into [my]_1803-i skull . [I]_1803-i want to go to [her]_238-ava , shorten the time it ’ll take for [her]_238-ava to make it to [me]_1803-i , but [my]_1803-i body refuses to function . So [I]_1803-i remain on [my]_1803-i arse , watching as [she]_238-ava runs full pelt across the gravel toward [me]_1803-i . [I]_1803-i see [her]_238-ava catch sight of the body bags . [I]_1803-i see the falter in [her]_238-ava stride . And when [she]_238-ava finally makes it to [me]_1803-i , [she]_238-ava stops at [my]_1803-i feet , looking down at [my]_1803-i broken form . [I]_1803-i ’m struggling to keep [my]_1803-i head up , but now [she]_238-ava ’s this close , now [I]_1803-i can see [her]_238-ava , every perfect detail on [her]_238-ava face , [my]_1803-i body finds some life and manages to push its way up until [I]_1803-i ’m standing . [She]_238-ava ’s biting [her]_238-ava lip , [her]_238-ava eyes brimming . [I]_1803-i have nothing for [her]_238-ava , only the agonizing news . “_[1803-i] [She]_1803-i fucking killed [John]_60-jacob . ” [Her]_1803-i inhale is sharp , the tears instant . “_[1803-i] No , ” [she]_1803-i whispers , looking back to the stretcher . “_[1803-i] [I]_0-i tried to stop [him]_1804-him . ” [Her]_1803-i voice is breaking . “_[1803-i] Oh [my]_0-i God , [Jesse]_454-jesse . ” [She]_1803-i chokes over [her]_1803-i words . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m so sorry . ” [Her]_1803-i palms come up to [her]_1803-i face , like [she]_1803-i ’s hiding , ashamed of [herself]_1803-i . [I]_0-i snatch them away . “_[0-i] Do n’t [you]_454-jesse fucking apologize , ” [I]_454-jesse warn , at risk of flying off the handle again . “_[454-jesse] Do n’t [you]_454-jesse dare , [Ava]_238-ava . ” “_[238-ava] The app . The trackers on [the cars]_751-cars . [I]_0-i realized what [you]_454-jesse were trying to tell [me]_0-i , and then [John]_60-jacob showed up and [I]_0-i told [him]_454-jesse . [He]_454-jesse took [my]_0-i phone . [I]_0-i could n’t stop [him]_454-jesse . [I]_0-i called [the police from [the house]_{2056-the house}]_{1806-the police from the house} . ” The impact of [her]_238-ava body hitting [mine]_0-i when [she]_238-ava throws [herself]_238-ava into [my]_0-i arms nearly takes [me]_0-i off [my]_0-i feet . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m so sorry . ” [She]_238-ava sobs , and [I]_0-i shake [my]_0-i head into [her]_238-ava , holding [her]_238-ava as tight as [my]_0-i aching shoulder will allow . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i thought [I]_0-i ’d never see [you]_1808-you again . [I]_0-i thought it was the end of [the road]_{2159-the road} . ” [I]_194-kate hold [her]_238-ava tighter . Fuck the pain . It ’s nothing compared to the agony in [my]_194-kate heart . “_[194-kate] [[Our]_1810-our road]_{2159-the road} never ends , [baby]_194-kate . ” [I]_194-kate close [my]_194-kate eyes and sink [my]_194-kate face into [her]_238-ava soft neck , searching for the comfort [I]_194-kate know [I]_194-kate can find . “_[194-kate] Never . ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i remembered . ” [Her]_238-ava sobs are loud between [her]_238-ava words . [She]_238-ava ’s not bothering to try to restrain [her]_238-ava emotions . [I]_0-i ’m glad , because [I]_0-i ’m fucked if [I]_0-i can . [My]_0-i tears are unstoppable , soaking [my]_0-i cheeks and [her]_238-ava neck . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i remembered everything . ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i know . ” [I]_0-i ’m soul - destroyed that [her]_238-ava avalanche of memories was triggered by such a bleak , distressing moment in [our]_3351-our history . Absolutely destroyed . There are a million wonderful and pinnacle moments in [our]_3351-our lives together . Why did it have to be [Lauren]_1535-lauren ? “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m just so sorry it happened like that . ” [She]_1812-her pulls out of [my]_1812-her hold , shaking [her]_1812-her head mildly . “_[1812-her] It was n’t [her]_1812-her that triggered it all . ” Reaching for [my]_1812-her face , [she]_1812-her tenderly feels down [my]_1812-her wet cheek . “_[1812-her] It was the pure terror in [your]_0-i eyes . [I]_0-i ’d seen it before . ” [I]_60-jacob choke on [my]_60-jacob emotions , dropping [my]_60-jacob gaze until [she]_1812-her forces [my]_60-jacob chin up . “_[60-jacob] [John]_60-jacob ’s gone , ” [I]_26-maddie choke . [I]_26-maddie can barely see [her]_1812-her through [my]_26-maddie blurry vision . Lip wobbling , [she]_1812-her collects [me]_26-maddie in [her]_1812-her arms and hugs [me]_26-maddie with the force and love that [I]_26-maddie so need . “_[26-maddie] [He]_26-maddie would never have let anything hurt [you]_0-i , ” [she]_1812-her says , [her]_1812-her voice thick . “_[26-maddie] [The man]_26-maddie was [a fucking warrior]_{1814-a fucking warrior} , and [a stubborn one]_{1815-a stubborn one} , too . ” [I]_26-maddie ca n’t even bring [myself]_26-maddie to pull [her]_1812-her up on [her]_1812-her bad language . “_[26-maddie] [He]_26-maddie ’s gone because [he]_26-maddie knows how much [I]_0-i need [you]_0-i . How much [the kids]_{2010-the kids} need [you]_0-i . ” [She]_1812-her takes [my]_26-maddie hand and lays it over [her]_1812-her tummy . [I]_26-maddie ’m not sure who ’s leaking the most tears now , [her]_1812-her or [me]_26-maddie . [I]_26-maddie furiously wipe at [my]_26-maddie face , sniffing back [my]_26-maddie sadness . “_[26-maddie] [He]_26-maddie ’s [[my]_0-i hero]_26-maddie , too . ” [She]_1812-her takes the top of [my]_26-maddie arm and rubs , frowning when [I]_26-maddie suck in air . “_[26-maddie] What ’s this ? ” “_[26-maddie] A graze . ” [I]_26-maddie brush [her]_1812-her off , not wanting to worry [her]_1812-her . Not that [she]_1812-her takes much notice . The short , bloody sleeve of [my]_26-maddie T - shirt is thrust up , revealing a tidy hole in [my]_26-maddie arm . “_[26-maddie] Oh [[my]_0-i God]_26-maddie ! ” “_[26-maddie] It ’s fine . ” Once again [I]_238-ava fight [her]_1812-her off and once again [she]_1812-her wins , slapping [me]_238-ava away . “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava , for fuck ’s sake , it ’s fine . Stop flapping . ” “_[26-maddie] Have [you]_26-maddie had it looked at ? ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m in no mood to be poked and pulled about . ” [She]_1812-her snorts , pointing to the paramedic hovering nearby . “_[0-i] Now , [Ward]_238-ava , or so help [me]_0-i . ” [Her]_1812-her expression is fierce as [she]_1812-her scrubs at [her]_1812-her wet face , and [I]_238-ava shrink where [I]_238-ava stand , thinking better of arguing back . [I]_238-ava do n’t speak , and [I]_238-ava also do n’t move , so [Ava]_238-ava seizes [my]_238-ava hand and all but manhandles [me]_238-ava to [the ambulance]_{381-the ambulance} . “_[238-ava] Do n’t make [me]_0-i hurt [you]_26-maddie , [Ward]_238-ava . ” Wide - eyed , [I]_238-ava let [her]_238-ava shove [me]_238-ava onto the back of [the ambulance]_{381-the ambulance} and onto a waiting bed . [She]_238-ava ’s taking [no prisoners]_{3353-no prisoners} . And through [my]_238-ava crippling hurt , anger , and guilt , [I]_238-ava manage to locate some gratitude . [[My]_238-ava wife]_26-maddie is back . All of [her]_26-maddie is back , and it ’s back with a fucking bang . Chapter 56 Eight months later Nothing can prepare [you]_26-maddie for the loss of [someone]_293-someone [you]_26-maddie adore with every fiber of [your]_26-maddie being . Nor the grief or heartache that accompanies that loss . A big hole has been left in [my]_238-ava very existence by the loss of [John]_60-jacob , yet [my]_238-ava heart is bursting with joyful memories . [He]_26-maddie was never far away , always there to pick [me]_238-ava up when [I]_238-ava fell down . [His]_26-maddie life was dedicated to [me]_238-ava . To watching over [me]_238-ava , to keeping [his]_26-maddie promise to [[his]_26-maddie best friend]_26-maddie . [John]_60-jacob was [a good man]_60-jacob , the best , and no matter how [I]_238-ava try to angle [my]_238-ava thoughts , [he]_26-maddie did n’t deserve to go . It was n’t [his]_26-maddie time . [Lauren]_1535-lauren , however , needed to die . That may sound sadistic . Maybe it is . But all [I]_238-ava ’ve wondered is how draining and damaging it must have been to live with so many demons . The reality is , [I]_238-ava ca n’t . [I]_238-ava ’ve been in some pretty dark places . Have wanted to give up . But [the victim]_{3356-the victim} in [my]_238-ava journey through self - destruction was [me]_238-ava and [me]_238-ava alone . [I]_238-ava never set out to hurt [anyone]_305-anyone . [I]_238-ava never wanted revenge . All [I]_238-ava really wanted was inner peace . As [I]_238-ava sit on the steps in [the garden]_{2075-the garden} , [I]_238-ava watch [Ava]_238-ava negotiate [her]_238-ava pregnant belly to dip and pick up the hose . And [I]_238-ava think for the first time in [my]_238-ava existence , [I]_238-ava really do have that peace . It ’s a blanket around [me]_238-ava , warm and secure . It defies reason , really . More trauma and stress have been stirred into [our]_3359-we already overflowing pot of shit , yet now [I]_238-ava feel almost tranquil . Initially , after [we]_3359-we walked away from [that barn]_{3360-that barn} , [I]_238-ava wondered how [we]_3359-we would ever get over what had happened . The elation of [Ava]_238-ava finding [her]_238-ava memories was saddened by the loss of [John]_60-jacob . [I]_238-ava got [myself]_238-ava in a state over [the twins]_{2012-the twins} , what [they]_{2012-the twins} saw , what [they]_{2012-the twins} heard . It was only when [we]_3359-we sat down with [a family therapist]_{3362-a family therapist} at the suggestion of [the liaison officer that [I]_238-ava]_{3362-a family therapist} really realized that [[my]_238-ava babies]_{216-my babies} truly were n’t babies anymore . Not with [their]_{216-my babies} level heads , [their]_{216-my babies} matter - of - fact approach . [I]_238-ava ’d underestimated [them]_{216-my babies} at every turn . Tried to keep them wrapped up in cotton wool and protected from [the world]_{2163-the world} . [I]_238-ava failed . [My]_238-ava past caught up with [me]_238-ava again , but [the twins]_{2012-the twins} looked at [me]_238-ava that day , square in the eye , and told [me]_238-ava that [they]_{2012-the twins} were proud of [me]_238-ava . Not ashamed like [I]_238-ava feared [they]_{2012-the twins} would be . [They]_{2012-the twins} were proud of [me]_238-ava . [I]_238-ava broke down , did n’t even try not to . [I]_238-ava ’m human . [I]_238-ava ’m [a dad]_454-jesse . [A husband]_454-jesse . [[My]_238-ava family]_{358-my family} is both [my]_238-ava biggest weakness and [my]_238-ava greatest strength . [I]_238-ava live and breathe for [them]_{358-my family} , and that will never change . Until the day [I]_238-ava die , it will always be about [them]_{358-my family} . [I]_238-ava look over [my]_238-ava shoulder when [I]_238-ava hear [Maddie]_26-maddie talking , seeing [her]_26-maddie wandering back into [the house]_{2056-the house} with [her]_26-maddie phone to [her]_26-maddie ear . [She]_26-maddie ’s talking to [some boy]_{3368-some boy} . [My]_238-ava instinct is to go after [her]_26-maddie , to confiscate that fucking phone . But [I]_238-ava wisely stay on [my]_238-ava arse where [I]_238-ava ’m safe from [[my]_238-ava wife]_26-maddie ’s wrath . [Maddie]_26-maddie ’s twelve . How serious can it be ? [I]_238-ava growl at [her]_26-maddie back and shake [my]_238-ava head , returning [my]_238-ava attention to [the garden]_{2075-the garden} before [I]_238-ava change [my]_238-ava mind and go trample [her]_26-maddie arse . [Jacob]_60-jacob ’s in the distance smacking tennis balls over the net , practicing [his]_60-jacob serve . [Me]_238-ava ? [I]_238-ava have a beer in [my]_238-ava hand just listening to the therapeutic sounds of [[my]_238-ava wife]_26-maddie and babies mooching about [[our]_3370-our home]_2274-here . This is heaven . This is [Ava]_238-ava ’s cloud nine . This is where [I]_238-ava am supposed to be , and once again , [the Fates]_{3096-the fates} have brought [me]_238-ava [here]_2274-here . [I]_238-ava want to argue with [them]_{3096-the fates} this time , though . Ask [them]_{3096-the fates} why [I]_238-ava ca n’t have [John]_60-jacob here , too . But that would be wasted breath . And [John]_60-jacob would say something along the lines of “_[238-ava] Get a fucking grip , [[you]_1817-you stupid motherfucker]_{360-you stupid motherfucker} . ” [I]_238-ava smile , breathing back [my]_238-ava unrelenting sadness . Sadness [I]_238-ava know [he]_{360-you stupid motherfucker} ’d be furious at [me]_238-ava for spending too much time on . [John]_60-jacob can go fuck [himself]_{360-you stupid motherfucker} . [I]_238-ava actually laugh out loud at [my]_238-ava bravery for even thinking it . [I]_238-ava would never have said that to [him]_{360-you stupid motherfucker} if [he]_{360-you stupid motherfucker} were standing [here]_2274-here before [me]_238-ava . Yet [I]_238-ava wish [I]_238-ava could . [I]_238-ava wish [I]_238-ava could curse [his]_{360-you stupid motherfucker} arse off to [his]_{360-you stupid motherfucker} face , and [I]_238-ava would welcome the thump to [my]_238-ava jaw from [his]_{360-you stupid motherfucker} big hard fist . “_[238-ava] What ’s so funny ? ” [Ava]_238-ava swishes the spray from the hose over the flowerbeds , eyeing [me]_238-ava with a curious smile . “_[238-ava] Just thinking . ” [I]_238-ava push [myself]_238-ava to [my]_238-ava feet and wander across [the lawn]_{2079-the lawn} to [her]_238-ava , [my]_238-ava gaze taking constant up - and - down trips over [her]_238-ava beautiful form . [God]_373-god love [her]_238-ava , [she]_238-ava looks fit to burst . [We]_3375-we ’re nearly two weeks overdue now , with no signs of [baby making an appearance]_{3376-baby making an appearance} . [I]_238-ava reach [her]_238-ava and push [my]_238-ava chest into [her]_238-ava back , circling [her]_238-ava tummy with [my]_238-ava arms . [My]_238-ava hands meet on the front of [her]_238-ava pregnant belly with ease , though [I]_238-ava still tease [her]_238-ava . “_[238-ava] Only just . ” [I]_238-ava smile into [her]_238-ava neck when [she]_238-ava thrusts [her]_238-ava bottom into [my]_238-ava groin . “_[238-ava] Do n’t do silly things like that . ” Closeness to [this woman]_238-ava always stirs [my]_238-ava cock , but contact renders it concrete . That ’ll never change . “_[238-ava] Why , [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} , there ’s something poking into [my]_0-i back . ” [She]_238-ava chuckles as [she]_238-ava continues to drench the flowerbeds . “_{[57-mr. ward]} Maybe [I]_0-i could fuck [this baby]_{2778-this baby} out of [you]_{57-mr. ward} , ” [I]_0-i muse , thoughtful . “_[0-i] [You]_{57-mr. ward} ’ve made it too comfortable in there . ” “_{[57-mr. ward]} [We]_1820-we ’ve had sex twice a day every day for the past two weeks . Not even [your]_{57-mr. ward} penis coming at it head - on is making it want to come out of hiding . ” Dropping the hose as [I]_{2778-this baby} laugh , [she]_238-ava turns in [my]_{2778-this baby} arms , [her]_238-ava belly now wedged between [us]_1820-we . [I]_{2778-this baby} look down fondly . Yes , [she]_238-ava ’s certainly carrying big , but nothing in comparison to when [she]_238-ava was expecting [the twins]_{2012-the twins} . Laying [my]_{2778-this baby} palms on the top , [I]_{2778-this baby} stroke and feel , [my]_{2778-this baby} heart swelling with happiness when [the baby]_{2508-the baby} kicks against [my]_{2778-this baby} right hand . “_{[2778-this baby]} [He]_{2778-this baby} ’s having a party in there . Clearly [he]_{2778-this baby} ’s got [[his]_{2778-this baby} dad]_{2778-this baby} ’s talented dance moves . ” [Ava]_238-ava ’s hands land over [mine]_{2778-this baby} , and [we]_1822-we feel together . “_{[2778-this baby]} [You]_1821-you keep saying [he]_{2778-this baby} . [We]_1822-we do n’t know what the sex of [Peanut Junior]_{163-peanut junior} is yet . ” “_{[2042-a boy]} It ’s [a boy]_{2042-a boy} , ” [I]_60-jacob assure [her]_238-ava . It has to be . [I]_60-jacob ’ve managed to hold on to [my]_60-jacob hair for this long . [A girl]_{2026-a girl} might change that . “_[60-jacob] [Jacob]_60-jacob and [I]_0-i ca n’t be outnumbered . ” “_[60-jacob] But [Maddie]_26-maddie and [I]_0-i can ? ” “_[26-maddie] [[You]_1821-you two]_{1824-you two} have enough spunk between [you]_1821-you for [us]_{1824-you two} to have [ten more boys]_{1825-ten more boys} and still be out - spunked . ” [I]_{2042-a boy} shift [my]_{2042-a boy} hands and take [hers]_238-ava , bringing them to [my]_{2042-a boy} mouth and kissing each knuckle in turn , each and every one . [She]_238-ava ’s beaming at [me]_{2042-a boy} , [her]_238-ava smile so strong with happiness [I]_{2042-a boy} feel it warm [my]_{2042-a boy} face . “_{[2042-a boy]} It ’s [a boy]_{2042-a boy} , ” [I]_{2042-a boy} affirm . “_{[2042-a boy]} Whatever [you]_1821-you say , [[my]_0-i Lord]_26-maddie . ” [She]_238-ava turns away from [me]_1821-you and brings [my]_1821-you hands back around [her]_238-ava tummy , holding them there as [she]_238-ava starts waddling across the grass . [I]_1821-you follow [her]_238-ava steps , [my]_1821-you chin resting atop [her]_238-ava head . “_[1821-you] Let ’s mooch . ” “_[164-mooch] [Mooch]_164-mooch away , ” [I]_164-mooch reply , letting [her]_238-ava lead the way to the bottom of [the lawn]_{2075-the garden} where [we]_3381-we pick up [the gravel path]_{3382-the gravel path} through the flowerbeds that leads to the bench swing hidden at the bottom of [the garden]_{2075-the garden} . The air is cool , but not quite cold , yet the sun could be blazing down from the sky . [I]_164-mooch ’m toasty warm , contented , calm , and serene . And all of that is being absorbed by [[my]_164-mooch wife]_26-maddie . A beautiful air of peace has surrounded [her]_26-maddie throughout this pregnancy . [I]_164-mooch ’ve admired it daily as [I]_164-mooch ’ve watched [her]_26-maddie , whether at [home]_201-home or at the club . [She]_26-maddie ’s been back to work and [I]_164-mooch ’ve made sure [I]_164-mooch ’ve let [her]_26-maddie get on with it , though [I]_164-mooch ’ve never been truly far . Just far enough for [her]_26-maddie not to feel crowded , but close enough to sate [my]_164-mooch need for constant contact , even if that contact is just [my]_164-mooch eyes looking at [her]_26-maddie . This pregnancy has been an entirely different experience for [me]_164-mooch . [I]_164-mooch ’ve not stressed , not faffed , not driven [her]_26-maddie up the wall with [my]_164-mooch neurotic worry . And [she]_26-maddie has n’t played [me]_164-mooch or used that worry as a tool to wind [me]_164-mooch up . There has been no faking labor to send [me]_164-mooch into meltdown . Probably because [she]_26-maddie knows that this time there will be no meltdown . After all , [I]_164-mooch ’m a pro now . [I]_164-mooch ’ve got this . As [we]_3385-we walk , [I]_164-mooch notice [her]_26-maddie leaning back on [me]_164-mooch more and more , [her]_26-maddie body getting tired . “_[164-mooch] Rest ? ” [Her]_26-maddie sigh is heavy . [She]_26-maddie ’s truly fed up now , but as [I]_194-kate ’ve told [her]_26-maddie time and again , these things ca n’t be rushed . [He]_26-maddie ’ll come when [he]_26-maddie ’s ready . Helping [her]_26-maddie down onto the cushion on the bench , [I]_194-kate take a seat beside [her]_26-maddie and push [my]_194-kate feet into the ground , swinging [us]_3385-we back and releasing . [We]_3385-we rock smoothly , [Ava]_238-ava ’s head resting on [my]_194-kate shoulder . “_[194-kate] [Kate]_194-kate ’s bringing a vindaloo around later . ” “_[194-kate] Another ? ” [I]_194-kate relax back . “_[194-kate] [That baby]_194-kate will come out expecting a curry instead of [your]_194-kate boob . ” [She]_26-maddie chuckles , and quickly flinches as [she]_26-maddie does , [her]_26-maddie hand going to [her]_26-maddie tummy and rubbing . “_[194-kate] Okay ? ” [I]_194-kate ask softly , placing [my]_194-kate hand over [hers]_26-maddie . “_[194-kate] Just a twinge . ” Pulling [her]_26-maddie head from [my]_194-kate shoulder , [she]_26-maddie gazes up at [me]_194-kate . [Her]_26-maddie lips twitch , [her]_26-maddie eyes glimmer . [I]_194-kate know what ’s running through that wonderful mind of [hers]_26-maddie . Though [I]_194-kate humor [her]_26-maddie . “_[194-kate] What ’s tickled [you]_194-kate ? ” “_[194-kate] Twelve years ago , [you]_194-kate would have crapped [your]_194-kate boxers at a twinge . ” [I]_194-kate shrug , nonchalant . “_[194-kate] [We]_1828-we ’re experts now . After [the twins]_{2012-the twins} , this is a breeze , right ? ” A sharp puff of laughter fans [my]_{2012-the twins} face . “_{[2012-the twins]} A breeze ? Speak for [yourself]_194-kate , [Jesse]_454-jesse . [You]_194-kate ’re not the one pushing what feels like — ” “_[194-kate] A flaming watermelon out of [my]_0-i fanny . ” [I]_0-i ’ve heard [her]_26-maddie cute analogy a few hundred times . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i know . ” Turning into [her]_26-maddie , [I]_0-i pout playfully as [I]_0-i cup [her]_26-maddie boobs , circling [my]_0-i thumbs over [her]_26-maddie nipples until [they]_3386-they pebble . “_[0-i] Tonight [you]_194-kate ’re going to let [me]_0-i ram [my]_0-i deprived cock inside that sweet pussy of [yours]_1830-yours and stretch it in preparation . ” [Her]_26-maddie grin is thrilling . And wanting . And lustful . That ’s one of the few things that has n’t been different this time around . [Her]_26-maddie unrelenting craving for all things [me]_0-i . Thank God , because that would be a tragic loss . “_[0-i] [You]_194-kate ’re so selfless . ” “_[194-kate] Anything for [you]_194-kate , [baby]_194-kate . ” [I]_194-kate lean in over [her]_26-maddie belly and rest [my]_194-kate lips on [hers]_26-maddie . The usual sparks of magic happen inside [me]_194-kate , [my]_194-kate heart thrumming wildly . “_[194-kate] Deprived cock ? ” “_[194-kate] Yes , deprived . Only a minute after leaving the snug warmth of that special place [my]_0-i dick feels lonely . ” It ’s no lie . “_[194-kate] [You]_194-kate going to challenge [me]_0-i ? ” “_[194-kate] Would n’t dream of it . ” [Her]_26-maddie smile lays on [mine]_194-kate as [my]_194-kate hands feel the delicious weight of [her]_26-maddie amazing boobs . “_[194-kate] Besides , [I]_0-i have to take all [I]_0-i can get because [you]_194-kate ’re going to be out of service for a while . ” “_[194-kate] [You]_194-kate poor thing . ” A rustling from beyond the bushes has [me]_194-kate pulling away quickly , scanning [the area]_{535-the area} . [I]_194-kate cock [my]_194-kate eyebrow at [Ava]_238-ava , who indicates to the left with a nod of [her]_238-ava head . “_[194-kate] [I]_0-i can see [you]_194-kate , ” [I]_0-i call , getting comfortable and rocking the bench again when [I]_0-i realize it ’s stopped . Two heads pop out of the hedge , grinning . “_[0-i] Neither of [you]_194-kate would make [stealth ninjas]_{1831-stealth ninjas} . ” “_[0-i] [We]_1832-we were gon na jump out and scare [you]_194-kate , ” [Jacob]_60-jacob declares , breaking free from the branches and twigs , pulling a few leaves from [his]_60-jacob blond mop . “_[1832-we] [We]_1832-we ’re fed up of waiting for [Peanut Junior]_{163-peanut junior} . ” [He]_60-jacob offers [Maddie]_26-maddie a helping hand when [her]_26-maddie blouse gets caught up . “_[1832-we] [You]_194-kate ’re fed up ? ” [Ava]_238-ava laughs . “_[1832-we] Try carrying this thing around with [you]_194-kate for nine months . ” “_[1832-we] Do n’t be dramatic , ” [I]_1832-we quip , patting the bench next to [me]_1832-we for [Maddie]_26-maddie to come sit . “_[1832-we] It ’s not been that big the whole time . ” [Maddie]_26-maddie giggles as [she]_32-mum jumps onto the bench and snuggles into [my]_1256-dad side , [Jacob]_60-jacob taking the side next to [Ava]_238-ava . “_[1256-dad] [Dad]_1256-dad , seriously . Do [you]_194-kate want [Mum]_32-mum to hurt [you]_194-kate ? ” “_[32-mum] [She]_32-mum ’d have to catch [me]_0-i first , and that ai n’t happening when [she]_32-mum ’s in that condition . ” [I]_32-mum put an arm around each of [[my]_32-mum girls]_{3388-my girls} , looking across to [Jacob]_60-jacob . [His]_60-jacob head is lying on [Ava]_238-ava ’s stomach , [his]_60-jacob ear pushed close . [Ava]_238-ava ’s hands start threading through [his]_60-jacob blond hair , stroking while [he]_60-jacob listens . [We]_{612-all of us} settle and swing for a while , [all of [us]_{612-all of us}]_{612-all of us} quiet and relaxed , legs swinging freely , heads resting on various shoulders . [I]_32-mum could stay here all night , but it ’s getting chilly and [Sam]_50-sam will be [here]_2274-here soon with [[his]_50-sam girls]_{3388-my girls} , as well as [Drew]_53-drew with [his]_50-sam . [I]_32-mum smile . [Raya]_54-raya gave birth only last week to [a little girl]_{2272-a little girl} , [Imogen]_165-imogen , bang on time . [All these girls]_{3388-my girls} ; by the rule of probability , [Ava]_238-ava has to have [a boy]_{240-my boy} in there . [I]_32-mum pray [she]_238-ava has [a boy]_{240-my boy} in there . “_[32-mum] Come on , it ’s getting cold . ” [I]_32-mum nod to [Ava]_238-ava ’s nipples on a smirk , and [she]_238-ava rolls [her]_238-ava eyes . “_[32-mum] [The gang]_{984-the gang} will be [here]_2274-here soon . ” [Jacob]_60-jacob is first off the bench , helping a puffing [Ava]_238-ava to [her]_238-ava feet . “_{[984-the gang]} Thank [you]_32-mum , [darling]_32-mum . ” [Her]_238-ava arm goes around [his]_32-mum shoulders as [they]_{984-the gang} start back to [the house]_{2056-the house} together . [[My]_32-mum boy]_{240-my boy} . [[My]_32-mum gorgeous , [sweet , thoughtful boy]_{240-my boy}]_{240-my boy} . [He]_{240-my boy} ’s overtaken [Maddie]_26-maddie in height now , clearing [her]_26-maddie by a good few inches . [He]_{240-my boy} ’s not far off [Ava]_238-ava . [I]_32-mum feel the sleeve of [my]_32-mum T - shirt lift and look out the corner of [my]_32-mum eye to see [Maddie]_26-maddie inspecting the scar left behind . Though [she]_26-maddie does n’t look sad these days when [she]_26-maddie ’s feeding [her]_26-maddie need to see it at least once a day . These days , [she]_26-maddie smiles . “_[32-mum] Did [your]_1836-you life flash before [your]_1836-you eyes , [Dad]_1256-dad ? ” [I]_1256-dad laugh and dip , hoisting [her]_26-maddie up over [my]_1256-dad shoulder and following on after [Jacob]_60-jacob and [Ava]_238-ava . The sweet sound of [[my]_1256-dad girl]_238-ava ’s squeal fills [my]_1256-dad ears . “_[1256-dad] Yes , and do [you]_1836-you know what [I]_0-i thought ? ” “_[0-i] What did [you]_1836-you think ? ” [she]_26-maddie asks , bouncing upon [my]_1836-you shoulder in time to [my]_1836-you strides . “_[1836-you] [I]_0-i thought about how much [I]_0-i ’d miss [your]_1836-you sass . ” “_[1836-you] No [you]_1836-you did n’t , ” [she]_26-maddie laughs , slapping [my]_1836-you back . “_[1836-you] Hey , [Dad]_1256-dad . Can [I]_0-i go to [the cinema on Friday with [Robbie]_166-robbie]_{1837-the cinema on friday with robbie} ? ” [Robbie]_166-robbie . So that ’s the flavor of the month . “_[166-robbie] Sure [you]_1836-you can . ” [I]_166-robbie set [her]_26-maddie on [her]_26-maddie feet when [we]_1838-we make it to [the house]_{2056-the house} , leaving [her]_26-maddie behind as [I]_166-robbie follow [Ava]_238-ava and [Jacob]_60-jacob . “_[166-robbie] What are [we]_1838-we watching ? ” [I]_1836-you call behind [me]_1836-you . “_[1836-you] [You]_1836-you ’re hilarious . ” [Her]_26-maddie exasperation makes [me]_1836-you chuckle as [I]_1836-you open the fridge and pull out some Sun - [Pat]_{35-sun - pat} . But that chuckle fades to nothing when it ’s swiped from [my]_1836-you hand . “_[1836-you] Hey ! ” [Ava]_238-ava grins and sashays as best [she]_238-ava can to a stool , finger - dipping [my]_1836-you jar as [she]_238-ava clambers onto the seat . “_[1836-you] What ’s [yours]_1839-i is [mine]_1839-i , ” [she]_238-ava declares , popping a delicious - looking finger into [her]_238-ava mouth and making an over - the - top job of licking it clean . [I]_1839-i hear [the kids]_{2010-the kids} laugh as [I]_1839-i sulk at [[my]_1839-i wife]_26-maddie , wondering why , of all the things [she]_26-maddie could crave , it has to be [my]_1839-i pots of heaven . Sharing [my]_1839-i vice is no joke . [I]_1839-i ’ve only just got to grips with [Jacob]_60-jacob pinching [my]_1839-i passion . “_[1839-i] Share , ” [I]_1839-i order , taking [myself]_1839-i swiftly across [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} and joining [her]_26-maddie on the next stool , [my]_1839-i mouth dropping open . [I]_1839-i may even be dribbling . Humming , [she]_26-maddie scoops out a huge dollop and holds it out to [me]_1839-i . This part of the sharing process [I]_1839-i do n’t mind at all . [My]_1839-i mouth watering , [I]_1839-i move in to claim [her]_26-maddie finger . But [she]_26-maddie quickly diverts to [her]_26-maddie own mouth , lapping it up quickly on a satisfied smile and sparkly eyes . [I]_1839-i recoil , disgusted by [her]_26-maddie game , though [the kids]_{2010-the kids} seem to think it ’s hilarious . Only one word comes to mind . “_[1839-i] Three , ” [I]_1839-i practically snarl , widening [her]_26-maddie grin . “_[1839-i] Oh boy , ” [Jacob]_60-jacob sighs , collecting some juice from the fridge . “_[32-mum] [Mum]_32-mum , will [you]_32-mum ever learn ? ” “_[32-mum] Do n’t mess with the peanut butter , ” [Maddie]_26-maddie adds , resting [her]_26-maddie elbows on the counter and settling in for the show . “_[32-mum] [You]_32-mum ’ll pay , and [your]_32-mum bladder is n’t as strong these days . ” [I]_32-mum laugh on the inside when [Ava]_238-ava tosses [her]_238-ava an indignant look , [her]_238-ava finger hanging out of [her]_238-ava mouth . “_[32-mum] Stay out of it , sassy - pants . ” [Maddie]_26-maddie shrugs [her]_238-ava shoulders , chin resting in the palms of [her]_238-ava hands . “_[32-mum] [I]_0-i ’m [[my]_0-i mother]_32-mum ’s daughter . Ask [Dad]_1256-dad . ” [She]_32-mum is n’t wrong . “_[1256-dad] Two , ” [I]_1256-dad say , turning back to [Ava]_238-ava , [my]_1256-dad eyebrows high . “_[1256-dad] There ’s nothing wrong with [my]_0-i bladder . ” [She]_32-mum takes another huge helping of the good stuff , [her]_32-mum nose high . “_[1256-dad] And if there is , it ’s [your]_32-mum fault . ” [She]_32-mum nods at [the kids]_{2010-the kids} in turn . “_[1256-dad] One . ” [I]_0-i start drumming [my]_0-i fingers , all casual and cool , appearing tired of the light banter . [I]_0-i ’m not tired at all . These moments , the simple moments , are some of [my]_0-i favorite family times . “_[0-i] [Mine]_0-i , ” [Ava]_238-ava whispers , plunging in [her]_238-ava finger again and holding it up in demonstration before lapping it clean . “_[238-ava] Get [your]_32-mum own , [Ward]_238-ava . ” “_[238-ava] Zero , [baby]_194-kate . ” [I]_194-kate ’m off the stool in a flash , [my]_194-kate fingertips homing straight in on [Ava]_238-ava ’s weak spots . “_[194-kate] No ! ” The jar is quickly cast aside in favor of [my]_194-kate arms . “_[194-kate] [You]_32-mum asked for it , ” [Maddie]_26-maddie sings , going on [her]_26-maddie way and leaving [us]_3400-us to it . “_[32-mum] Do n’t pee [yourself]_32-mum . ” “_[32-mum] Whose is the peanut butter ? ” [I]_32-mum ask in [her]_26-maddie ear , handling [her]_26-maddie gently but firmly . “_[32-mum] Just say the words , [baby]_194-kate , and [I]_0-i ’ll stop . ” “_[194-kate] Never ! ” [She]_26-maddie laughs , fighting [my]_194-kate hands away with little success . “_[194-kate] Ohhhhh … ” [My]_{1841-a twinge} torturing fingers stop . That was n’t a regular sound that [I]_{1841-a twinge} hear when [I]_{1841-a twinge} ’m tickling [her]_26-maddie stupid . [I]_{1841-a twinge} release [her]_26-maddie in a heartbeat , scanning [her]_26-maddie up and down . “_{[1841-a twinge]} [A twinge]_{1841-a twinge} ? ” [Jacob]_60-jacob ’s by [my]_{1841-a twinge} side quickly , and [Maddie]_26-maddie ’s not far behind . [Ava]_238-ava stills while [we]_3401-our all wait with bated breath for [her]_238-ava conclusion , [her]_238-ava eyes focused on [her]_238-ava bump as [she]_238-ava drops to [her]_238-ava feet from the stool . “_{[1841-a twinge]} Yeah , [I]_0-i think … oh [my]_0-i FUUUUCK ! ” [She]_238-ava doubles over and screams , forcing all of [us]_3401-our to cover [our]_3401-our ears or burst [our]_3401-our drums . “_[0-i] Sorry , [kids]_2298-kids , ” [she]_238-ava adds , starting to pant . “_[2298-kids] Bloody hell ! ” [Maddie]_26-maddie starts running circles around [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} in a panic . “_{[163-peanut junior]} [Peanut Junior]_{163-peanut junior} is coming ! ” “_{[163-peanut junior]} Shit ! ” [Jacob]_60-jacob yells . [My]_{163-peanut junior} head could pop off [my]_{163-peanut junior} neck . What ’s with all this fucking bad language ? “_{[163-peanut junior]} Will [everyone]_283-everyone watch [their]_283-everyone mouths ! ” [I]_{163-peanut junior} yell , taking [Ava]_238-ava ’s elbow . “_{[163-peanut junior]} But [the baby]_{2508-the baby} ’s coming ! ” [Maddie]_26-maddie shouts , still doing panicked laps of [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} . “_{[163-peanut junior]} Call [an ambulance]_{2167-an ambulance} . [The doctor]_{2188-the doctor} . [Anyone]_305-anyone ! ” “_[1848-it] [It]_1848-it ’s coming ! ” [Jacob]_60-jacob covers [his]_60-jacob face with [his]_60-jacob palms . “_[1848-it] It ’s because [you]_1849-you tickled [her]_1848-it ! ” [Christ]_26-maddie , [everyone]_283-everyone needs to calm the hell down . [I]_1848-it take a deep breath . “_[1848-it] Do n’t worry , [kids]_2298-kids , ” [I]_2298-kids say calmly . “_[2298-kids] [Dad]_1256-dad ’s got this . ” Am [I]_26-maddie telling [them]_2298-kids , or [myself]_26-maddie ? “_[26-maddie] [Maddie]_26-maddie , [you]_1849-you get [Mum]_32-mum ’s bag . [Jacob]_60-jacob , [you]_1849-you get [my]_0-i mobile so [I]_0-i can call [the hospital]_{384-the hospital} and tell [them]_2298-kids [we]_1852-we ’re on [our]_1852-we way . ” [We]_1852-we all flinch when [Ava]_238-ava lets out another almighty , bloodcurdling scream , grabbing onto [me]_238-ava with both hands , [her]_238-ava nails puncturing [my]_238-ava forearms . “_[238-ava] Fucking hell , [Ava]_238-ava , ” [I]_238-ava hiss , prying [her]_238-ava buried claws one by one out of [my]_238-ava flesh . “_[238-ava] Sorry , [kids]_{2010-the kids} . ” “_{[2010-the kids]} Does that hurt , [Ward]_238-ava ? ” [she]_238-ava pants , bending , starting to sweat . “_[238-ava] Just a bit . ” [I]_238-ava play it down . [I]_238-ava should n’t have . [She]_238-ava sinks [her]_238-ava nails into [me]_238-ava again on an evil look . “_[238-ava] Good . ” [Jesus]_26-maddie , [she]_238-ava ’s turning into a psycho . [I]_238-ava watch [the kids]_{2010-the kids} fly out of [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} to fulfill [their]_{2010-the kids} orders , and realign [my]_238-ava focus on [Ava]_238-ava . “_[238-ava] [You]_238-ava want to sit . ” “_[238-ava] No ! ” “_[238-ava] [You]_238-ava want to stand , then ? ” “_[238-ava] No ! ” “_[238-ava] Right . ” [I]_238-ava roll [my]_238-ava eyes , accepting [my]_238-ava mobile when [Jacob]_60-jacob thrusts it at [me]_238-ava . “_[238-ava] [You]_238-ava okay , [Mum]_32-mum ? ” “_[32-mum] Yes , [darling]_32-mum . ” [She]_32-mum reaches blindly for [his]_60-jacob head and gives it a loving , reassuring pat . “_[32-mum] [I]_0-i love [you]_32-mum . ” [I]_32-mum recoil , shaking [my]_32-mum head in wonder . So [she]_32-mum ’s just [a psycho bitch with [me]_32-mum]_{3405-a psycho bitch with me} , then ? Dialing [the hospital]_{384-the hospital} , [I]_32-mum keep hold of [Ava]_238-ava as [she]_32-mum moans , constantly cursing [me]_32-mum and apologizing to [the kids]_{2010-the kids} . “_[32-mum] Hi , [[my]_0-i wife]_32-mum ’s gone into labor . [Ava Ward]_238-ava . ” [I]_238-ava watch [Ava]_238-ava ’s face turns bright red . “_[238-ava] [We]_1854-we ’ll be around half hour . ” [Her]_238-ava nostrils start to flare . “_[1854-we] Yeah , great . Bye . ” [I]_1854-we hang up and hand the phone to [Jacob]_60-jacob . “_[1854-we] Call [Nan]_26-maddie and tell [her]_26-maddie to get [her]_26-maddie arse here quick . ” “_[26-maddie] [We]_1854-we ca n’t come ? ” [He]_{163-peanut junior} looks totally put out . “_[0-i] Trust [me]_0-i , [mate]_0-i . [You]_0-i do n’t want to be anywhere near [[your]_0-i mother]_32-mum while [she]_32-mum ’s pushing [Peanut Junior]_{163-peanut junior} out . ” “_{[163-peanut junior]} [I]_0-i ’d rather [him]_{163-peanut junior} than [you]_0-i , ” [Ava]_238-ava spits , going into another scream , grappling at [my]_0-i arms . “_[0-i] There ’s no need for that now , is there ? ” [I]_{163-peanut junior} sound so condescending , but other than dishing out a Retribution Fuck , which is off the cards right now , [I]_{163-peanut junior} have no other option but to humor [her]_32-mum . “_{[163-peanut junior]} It ’s [your]_0-i body who rejected the pill . ” [She]_32-mum ’s not slapping this on [me]_1256-dad . No way . “_[1256-dad] Really , [Dad]_1256-dad ? ” [Maddie]_26-maddie smacks [my]_1256-dad arm . “_[1256-dad] [You]_0-i ’re gon na say that to [her]_32-mum when [she]_32-mum ’s in labor ? ” So it ’s gang up on [Dad]_1256-dad day ? Has it escaped [everyone]_283-everyone ’s notice that [I]_60-jacob ’m the only calm one around here ? “_[60-jacob] [Jacob]_60-jacob , call [[your]_0-i nan]_{1855-your nan} , ” [I]_26-maddie order , this time less calmly . [Ava]_238-ava ’s contractions have come on fast , and there ’s not much space between [them]_283-everyone . [I]_26-maddie pull [Ava]_238-ava ’s hair from [her]_238-ava damp face and indicate for [Maddie]_26-maddie to tie it up with the hairband on [her]_238-ava wrist as [Jacob]_60-jacob dials [Elizabeth]_{424-elizabeth} . “_[26-maddie] [Nan]_26-maddie , it ’s [Jacob]_60-jacob . ” [He]_60-jacob dances on the spot , eyes on [[his]_60-jacob mother]_{424-elizabeth} . “_[60-jacob] [Mum]_32-mum ’s in labor . [Dad]_1256-dad said get [your]_0-i arse here now . ” [I]_1256-dad hear [[my]_1256-dad mother]_{424-elizabeth} - in - law ’s screech of joy . “_[1256-dad] Tell [her]_32-mum to hurry , ” [I]_26-maddie call . “_[26-maddie] Hurry , [Nan]_26-maddie ! ” [he]_60-jacob shouts , hanging up and stuffing [my]_0-i phone in [my]_0-i pocket for [me]_0-i . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i love [you]_26-maddie , ” [Ava]_238-ava tells [Maddie]_26-maddie while [she]_32-mum secures the tie , feeling at [her]_32-mum startled face . “_[26-maddie] [You]_26-maddie ’re beautiful , smart , and sassy , and [I]_0-i love [you]_26-maddie . ” “_[26-maddie] Love [you]_26-maddie , too , [Mum]_32-mum . ” If [she]_32-mum was n’t in labor , [I]_26-maddie would think [Ava]_238-ava was drunk . What ’s gotten into [her]_32-mum ? It ’s a stupid question . [I]_26-maddie know what . It ’s that whole replacement thing . “_[26-maddie] Come on , [lady]_26-maddie , ” [I]_26-maddie say , breaking up [their]_3409-their moment . “_[26-maddie] Let ’s get [you]_26-maddie to [the car]_{2161-the car} . ” [Her]_32-mum answer is an epic scream , [her]_32-mum body unmoving when it solidifies in a natural attempt to stem the pain . “_[26-maddie] Oh [my]_0-i fucking God ! ” [Pant]_167-pant , pant , pant . “_[2298-kids] Sorry , [kids]_2298-kids . ” [She]_32-mum fists the front of [my]_2298-kids T - shirt and hauls [me]_2298-kids forward with a power [Wonder Woman]_{168-wonder woman} would be envious of . [Her]_32-mum eyes are wild . “_[2298-kids] [This baby]_{2778-this baby} is coming out now , [Ward]_238-ava . ” Yet another scream pierces the air immediately after [her]_32-mum statement . And following that , [my]_238-ava panic . “_[238-ava] What ? ” No . No , no , no . “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava , [we]_1859-we just need to get [you]_238-ava in [the car]_{2161-the car} and [I]_0-i ’ll have [you]_238-ava at [the hospital]_{384-the hospital} in no time at all . ” [She]_32-mum starts to fold to the floor , moaning on [her]_32-mum way down . [I]_0-i have no choice but to scoop [her]_32-mum up and carry [her]_32-mum through to [the lounge]_{708-the lounge} where it ’s more comfortable . “_[0-i] There is no time , ” [she]_32-mum wails as [I]_0-i lay [her]_32-mum on the couch . “_[0-i] Not on the couch ! It ’ll be ruined . ” “_[0-i] For fuck ’s sake . ” [I]_2298-kids ca n’t help it . “_[2298-kids] Sorry , [kids]_2298-kids . ” [I]_60-jacob lay [her]_32-mum on the carpet and get [her]_32-mum head comfy on a pillow . “_[60-jacob] [Baby]_60-jacob , [I]_0-i need to get [you]_238-ava to [the hospital]_{384-the hospital} . ” [She]_32-mum shakes [her]_32-mum head . “_[60-jacob] It ’s coming . ” “_[60-jacob] [Jacob]_60-jacob , [Maddie]_26-maddie , hold [[your]_26-maddie mum]_{513-your mum} ’s hand , ” [I]_26-maddie order , sending [them]_{513-your mum} to the top end . Once [they]_{513-your mum} ’re in position , [I]_26-maddie reach under [Ava]_238-ava ’s long skirt and pull [her]_238-ava knickers down ; the material is drenched . “_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i ’m just going to check what ’s going on down there , ” [I]_0-i tell [her]_238-ava , to appease [Ava]_238-ava more than [myself]_0-i . “_[0-i] Then [we]_1863-we ’ll get [you]_238-ava to [the hospital]_{384-the hospital} . ” [I]_0-i help [her]_238-ava legs to bend , ensuring [I]_0-i keep [her]_238-ava covered as best [I]_0-i can as [the kids]_{2010-the kids} look on . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i need to push , ” [she]_238-ava pants . “_[0-i] [You]_238-ava do not need to push , ” [I]_238-ava assure [her]_238-ava as [I]_238-ava take a peek between [her]_238-ava legs . It ’s way too soon . “_[238-ava] Oh , fuck ! ” [I]_238-ava blurt , seeing the crown of a head breaching [her]_238-ava vagina . “_[238-ava] Shit , [Ava]_238-ava ! ” “_[238-ava] [I]_0-i fucking told [you]_238-ava [I]_0-i need to push ! ” “_[1256-dad] [Dad]_1256-dad ? ” [Jacob]_60-jacob ’s unsure voice lifts [my]_26-maddie hollow head , and [I]_26-maddie find two sets of very worried eyes . This was n’t part of the plan . [They]_3412-they ’re panicking . [I]_26-maddie need to take control . “_[26-maddie] [Maddie]_26-maddie , go get towels and a cool flannel . [Jacob]_60-jacob , [I]_0-i want [you]_238-ava to get the duvet off [our]_1864-our bed and open the front door . ” [I]_238-ava grab [my]_238-ava phone as [they]_3412-they shoot off like obedient bullets . “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava , [baby]_238-ava , no pushing yet , okay ? ” [I]_238-ava dial for [an ambulance]_{2167-an ambulance} as [she]_{364-your wife} nods , blowing out short , sharp shots of breath . “_[238-ava] [I]_0-i need [an ambulance]_{2167-an ambulance} . [[My]_0-i wife]_{364-your wife} is in labor , and [she]_{364-your wife} most definitely is n’t going to hold out until [I]_0-i can get [her]_{364-your wife} to [the hospital]_{384-the hospital} . ” “_{[364-your wife]} What ’s [[your]_238-ava wife]_{364-your wife} ’s name , [sir]_238-ava ? ” “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava . [Ava Ward]_238-ava . ” “_[238-ava] And [your]_238-ava address ? ” [I]_{2508-the baby} reel it off as [the kids]_{2012-the twins} dart into [the lounge]_{708-the lounge} simultaneously , both [their]_{2012-the twins} arms full of [my]_{2508-the baby} requests . “_{[2508-the baby]} [The baby]_{2508-the baby} ’s head is crowning , ” [I]_{2508-the baby} tell [the operator]_{3415-the operator} , trying to push back the urgency [I]_{2508-the baby} ’m feeling and remain calm for [Ava]_238-ava . [She]_238-ava ’s huffing and puffing , cheeks blowing out , eyes clenching shut . “_{[2508-the baby]} Okay , [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} , first things first , do n’t panic . ” [I]_{57-mr. ward} laugh . If [she]_238-ava ’d said that to [me]_{57-mr. ward} when [Ava]_238-ava ’s water broke with [the twins]_{2012-the twins} , [I]_{57-mr. ward} would have verbally ripped [her]_238-ava head off . “_{[57-mr. ward]} [I]_0-i ’m not panicking , ” [I]_0-i assure [her]_238-ava coolly . “_[0-i] But [I]_0-i am going to need [someone]_293-someone to walk [me]_0-i through this . ” [I]_0-i take another quick peek under [Ava]_238-ava ’s dress . “_[0-i] This chap is in a rush . ” Fucking hell , [he]_{57-mr. ward} ’s stalled making [his]_{57-mr. ward} entrance , and now [he]_{57-mr. ward} ’s decided [he]_{57-mr. ward} ’s got jet propellers in [his]_{57-mr. ward} feet . [I]_0-i watch as [Jacob]_60-jacob plumps pillows and [Maddie]_26-maddie flaps the duvet out . “_[0-i] [An ambulance]_{2167-an ambulance} has been dispatched and [the midwife]_{1573-the midwife} called . ” “_[0-i] Thank [you]_0-i . ” [They]_1385-twins ’d better hurry . “_[0-i] Okay . Now who is there , [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} ? ” [the operator]_{3415-the operator} asks . “_[0-i] [Me]_0-i , [[my]_0-i son]_{1502-my son} , and [daughter]_{1873-daughter} . ” “_[0-i] How old are [they]_1385-twins ? ” “_[1385-twins] Twelve . [[They]_1385-twins ’re [twins]_1385-twins]_1385-twins . ” [Ava]_238-ava ’s eyes spring wide open , [her]_238-ava head shaking furiously from side to side . Sweat is dripping from [her]_{1873-daughter} . “_[1385-twins] Just hold one moment while [I]_0-i get [her]_{1873-daughter} comfortable . ” “_[1385-twins] No problem . ” [I]_1385-twins drop the phone and slide [my]_1385-twins arms under [Ava]_238-ava ’s body , lifting [her]_{1873-daughter} from the floor . “_[1385-twins] Pull the duvet under , ” [I]_1385-twins tell [Maddie]_26-maddie . “_[1385-twins] And the pillows there . ” The two of [them]_1385-twins work efficiently and calmly , and [I]_1437-guys know for sure that [my]_1437-guys coolness is the reason why . [I]_1437-guys just need to maintain it . But , fuck , this was not part of [my]_1437-guys plan when [I]_1437-guys ’ve mentally walked through [Ava]_238-ava ’s labor dozens of times . “_[1437-guys] [Guys]_1437-guys , [I]_0-i need [your]_0-i help , ” [I]_1437-guys tell [them]_1385-twins , lowering [Ava]_238-ava back to the soft duvet . “_[1437-guys] Can [you]_0-i do that ? ” Both nod , eyes passing back and forth between [me]_1876-she and [Ava]_238-ava . “_[1876-she] Is [she]_1876-she all right , [Dad]_1256-dad ? ” [Jacob]_60-jacob asks , the shock not masked in [his]_60-jacob voice as well as it is on [his]_60-jacob face . “_[1876-she] [She]_1876-she ’s fine , ” [I]_1876-she assure [him]_60-jacob , stroking back [Ava]_238-ava ’s hair from [her]_238-ava wet face , dropping a kiss onto [her]_238-ava forehead . “_[1876-she] Are n’t [you]_0-i , [baby]_0-i ? ” [She]_238-ava groans but tries to nod , too , [her]_238-ava head jerks uncontrolled and erratic . [I]_0-i smile , grabbing [her]_238-ava hand and squeezing . “_[0-i] [You]_0-i ready ? ” Blowing out air through [her]_238-ava pursed lips , [she]_238-ava constricts [my]_0-i hand . “_[0-i] Do n’t leave [me]_0-i . ” “_[0-i] [None of [us]_1878-us]_{1877-none of us} are leaving . ” [She]_238-ava looks up toward [the kids]_{2010-the kids} , who are on either side of [her]_238-ava head , straining a smile . “_[0-i] This is nothing compared to when [I]_0-i had [you]_0-i two , ” [she]_32-mum assures [them]_{2010-the kids} . [I]_26-maddie laugh when [the kids]_{2010-the kids} ’ eyes bug , glancing at each other . “_[26-maddie] [Maddie]_26-maddie , put that damp cloth on [Mum]_32-mum ’s forehead , ” [I]_60-jacob order , moving back down [Ava]_238-ava ’s body . “_[60-jacob] [Jacob]_60-jacob , hold [Mum]_32-mum ’s hand . [She]_32-mum ’s going to squeeze it really hard , [mate]_263-argh , so get those muscles flexing . ” “_[32-mum] [I]_0-i do n’t want to hurt [him]_60-jacob , ” [Ava]_238-ava wails , [her]_238-ava back bowing violently when another contraction hits [her]_238-ava . [Jacob]_60-jacob quickly snatches up [her]_238-ava hand with both of [his]_60-jacob , moving in closer to [her]_238-ava head on [his]_60-jacob knees . “_[0-i] It ’s okay , [Mum]_32-mum . Squeeze as hard as [you]_1880-you need to . ” [My]_32-mum fucking heart melts as [I]_32-mum grab the phone and put it on loudspeaker , resting it on the floor next to [me]_32-mum . “_[32-mum] Okay . [We]_1881-we ’re ready . ” “_[1881-we] Okay , [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} . How far apart are the contractions ? ” “_{[57-mr. ward]} One minute , maybe two . ” [I]_{57-mr. ward} encourage [Ava]_238-ava to bend [her]_238-ava knees more and spread [her]_238-ava legs further , taking a towel and laying it over [her]_238-ava knees . “_{[57-mr. ward]} On the next contraction , [I]_0-i want [Ava]_238-ava to push and [you]_1880-you to apply pressure on [her]_238-ava vagina . ” [My]_{57-mr. ward} eyes widen , and [I]_{57-mr. ward} look at [the kids]_{2010-the kids} , who , as [I]_{57-mr. ward} expected , are cringing terribly . [I]_{57-mr. ward} ’m not cringing . [I]_{57-mr. ward} am , however , fucking confused . “_{[57-mr. ward]} [You]_1880-you want [me]_0-i to push the head back in ? ” Surely not . [Ava]_238-ava screams as [I]_{57-mr. ward} utter [my]_{57-mr. ward} question , [her]_238-ava face going red . “_{[57-mr. ward]} [You]_1880-you ’re not pushing it back in , [Jesse]_454-jesse ! [I]_0-i want it out ! Now ! ” Fucking hell , the pressure . “_[194-kate] Okay , [baby]_194-kate . Calm down . ” “_[194-kate] [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} . ” [The operator]_{3415-the operator} is n’t laughing , but [she]_{3415-the operator} ’s not far off . “_{[57-mr. ward]} [I]_0-i want [you]_1880-you to apply pressure at the top of [Ava]_238-ava ’s vagina . ” That word again , and [the kids]_{2012-the twins} both grimace . “_{[57-mr. ward]} The angle will help [the baby]_194-kate ’s head pass through easier . ” [I]_{57-mr. ward} blink [my]_{57-mr. ward} eyes rapidly , trying to focus on the part of [[my]_{57-mr. ward} wife]_32-mum that [I]_{57-mr. ward} love the most , the part that looks nothing like [I]_{57-mr. ward} remember . “_{[57-mr. ward]} Right , ” [I]_{57-mr. ward} breathe , reaching forward . “_{[57-mr. ward]} How hard ? ” “_{[57-mr. ward]} Firmly , [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} . ” “_{[57-mr. ward]} It ’s coming ! ” [Ava]_238-ava starts panting , [her]_238-ava cheeks inflating . “_{[57-mr. ward]} Now ! ” “_[194-kate] Okay , push , [baby]_194-kate ! ” [I]_194-kate do as instructed , applying as much pressure as [I]_194-kate ’m comfortable with . “_[194-kate] Go on , [Mum]_32-mum ! ” [the twins]_{2012-the twins} chant together . “_[32-mum] [You]_1880-you can do it ! ” [She]_238-ava grunts , [she]_238-ava wails , [she]_238-ava cries . It ’s all so familiar , but no less easy to hear . “_[454-jesse] [Jesse]_454-jesse ! ” [My]_454-jesse name is a drawn - out , high - pitched howl , [her]_238-ava head tossed back , [her]_238-ava back arched . “_[454-jesse] Oh [my]_0-i God , it hurts ! ” [I]_454-jesse wince , keeping [my]_454-jesse eyes rooted between [her]_238-ava legs . A head , smeared with blood and goo , emerges slowly but surely , [my]_454-jesse spare hand resting on the underside . “_[454-jesse] Come on , [Ava]_238-ava , ” [I]_454-jesse yell , cheering [her]_238-ava on . “_[454-jesse] [He]_454-jesse ’s coming . ” [She]_238-ava slumps , exhaling raggedly , and [the baby]_238-ava ’s head slowly retreats . [I]_454-jesse reach to [my]_454-jesse brow and wipe away the sheen of sweat . “_[454-jesse] The head came out a bit , but it ’s gone back in again , ” [I]_454-jesse tell [the operative]_{3421-the operative} . “_[454-jesse] Perfectly normal , [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} . [We]_1883-we ’ll wait for the next contraction and encourage a big push . ” “_[1883-we] A big push , [Ava]_238-ava . Did [you]_238-ava hear that ? ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m not fucking deaf ! ” [she]_238-ava snaps between quick , sharp inhales and exhales , throwing [me]_0-i daggers . [I]_0-i shrink , but [the kids]_{2010-the kids} chuckle , [Jacob]_60-jacob having a quick shake out of [his]_60-jacob poor hand . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m sorry , [darling]_79-darling , ” [Ava]_238-ava says , clumsily reaching for [his]_60-jacob head and patting around in [his]_60-jacob hair . “_[79-darling] Did [I]_0-i hurt [you]_79-darling ? ” “_[0-i] Not at all . ” [He]_60-jacob raises [his]_60-jacob arms and flexes [his]_60-jacob nonexistent biceps . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m built of steel . ” [Maddie]_26-maddie cackles . “_[0-i] In whose world ? ” “_[0-i] Concentrate , ” [Jacob]_60-jacob orders , giving [Ava]_238-ava back [his]_60-jacob hand . “_[0-i] Oh , no . ” [Ava]_238-ava ’s panicked eyes land on [me]_0-i with a bang . “_[0-i] Here ’s another one ! ” [I]_0-i pull [myself]_0-i together and move in closer . “_[0-i] This time a big push , okay ? The biggest [you]_79-darling can manage . ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m trying . ” [She]_238-ava ’s getting tearful , [her]_238-ava eyes welling . “_[0-i] Come on , ” [I]_0-i coo , placing [my]_0-i hand back where it should be . “_[0-i] [You]_79-darling pushed [two babies]_{1884-two babies} out one after the other . This is a walk in [the park]_{2459-the park} . ” “_{[57-mr. ward]} Screw [you]_79-darling , [Ward]_{57-mr. ward} . This one must be as big as [Jacob]_60-jacob and [Maddie]_26-maddie put together . [I]_0-i ’m going to be ripped in two . Oh , oh , oh ! ” [Her]_238-ava teeth grit , [her]_238-ava fists ball , [her]_238-ava head shoots forward . “_[194-kate] Arghhhhhhhh ! ” “_[194-kate] That ’s it ! ” [I]_194-kate encourage [her]_238-ava , watching as the head crowns and gradually stretches [her]_238-ava opening . “_[194-kate] Come on , [baby]_194-kate ! [He]_194-kate ’s nearly here . ” The agonizing sound of [her]_238-ava screams goes straight through [me]_194-kate . “_[194-kate] A bit more ! Yes , yes ! That ’s it , [Ava]_238-ava ! ” The head passes the widest point and slips free of [her]_238-ava walls , a perfect little profile on perfect display . [My]_238-ava voice catches in [my]_238-ava throat , [my]_238-ava hand stroking over the top of [his]_194-kate wet head . Fuck , even covered in slime [he]_194-kate ’s gorgeous . “_[238-ava] The head ’s out , ” [I]_238-ava say to [the operative]_{3421-the operative} , grabbing another towel . “_[238-ava] That ’s great . ” [She]_238-ava ’s so calm . “_[238-ava] One more push on the next contraction , [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} . When [the baby]_194-kate is out , lay it straight on [Ava]_238-ava ’s chest and wrap it in a towel . Make sure the cord is n’t caught up . ” “_{[57-mr. ward]} Okay . ” [I]_238-ava prepare [myself]_238-ava , glancing up at [Ava]_238-ava . [She]_238-ava ’s crying now , feeling [Maddie]_26-maddie ’s hair as [she]_238-ava dabs the flannel across [her]_238-ava forehead . “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava , ” [I]_238-ava call , making [her]_238-ava head drop limply . “_[238-ava] One more push , [baby]_194-kate . ” [She]_238-ava nods on a big swallow , closing [her]_238-ava eyes . “_[32-mum] Just one more , [Mum]_32-mum . ” [Maddie]_26-maddie pushes some loose strands of hair off [Ava]_238-ava ’s face as [Jacob]_60-jacob has another shake of [his]_60-jacob hand in preparation , throwing [me]_32-mum a Jesus ! look as [he]_60-jacob does . When [Ava]_238-ava starts with the semi - controlled breaths again , [I]_32-mum know the final push is coming . Leveling [her]_238-ava eyes on [me]_32-mum , [she]_238-ava grits [her]_238-ava teeth and nods , [her]_238-ava face starting to go beet red . There ’s no sound from [her]_238-ava this time . Just round eyes glued to [me]_32-mum as [she]_238-ava goes into the final stretch . [He]_60-jacob comes out so fast , [I]_32-mum nearly miss it , [my]_32-mum gaze set on [[my]_32-mum beautiful wife]_{2012-the twins} being helped by [[my]_32-mum beautiful children]_{2012-the twins} . “_[32-mum] Oh , fuck . ” [His]_60-jacob wet , slippery body falls into [my]_1887-i big hands , and [his]_60-jacob screams start immediately after that . The sound is fucking golden . [He]_60-jacob ’s fucking perfect . [I]_1887-i ’m a fucking wreck , [my]_1887-i eyes full of tears . [I]_1887-i carefully shift [him]_60-jacob into one hand , being careful of the cord , and push [Ava]_238-ava ’s T - shirt up , laying [him]_60-jacob on [her]_238-ava chest and covering [them]_{2012-the twins} with a towel . [I]_1887-i expect [the twins]_{2012-the twins} to grimace and look away , but [they]_{2012-the twins} are utterly mesmerized by the sight , [their]_{2012-the twins} little jaws hanging open . “_[1887-i] [He]_1887-i ’s here , ” [I]_1887-i croak , mindful that [the operative]_{3421-the operative} is waiting for an update . “_[1887-i] [He]_1887-i ’s here and [he]_1887-i ’s perfect . ” “_[1887-i] Congratulations , [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} . ” “_{[57-mr. ward]} Thank [you]_{57-mr. ward} . ” Emotion ambushes [me]_0-i as [I]_0-i watch [Ava]_238-ava hold [[our]_3426-our baby]_{1647-our baby} to [her]_238-ava chest , [her]_238-ava lips resting on [his]_1887-i head , [her]_238-ava eyes closed . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i hardly did a thing . ” [The operative]_{3421-the operative} chuckles . “_[0-i] [You]_{57-mr. ward} were [a perfect student]_{57-mr. ward} . [I]_0-i ’ve had confirmation that [the paramedics and midwife]_{1888-the paramedics and midwife} are just a few minutes away . [I]_0-i ’m going to stay on the line until [they]_{1888-the paramedics and midwife} arrive . ” [I]_1889-i nod , sniffle , and wipe [my]_1889-i nose with the back of [my]_1889-i hand as [I]_1889-i crawl up the side of [Ava]_238-ava to join [them]_{1888-the paramedics and midwife} . [Her]_238-ava face is red and blotchy , [her]_238-ava hair a wet mess . But [she]_238-ava ’s stunning . [I]_1889-i smile and reach for [[my]_1889-i baby]_{1638-my baby} ’s little hand , amazed by [his]_1889-i tiny fingers . “_[1889-i] [He]_1889-i ’s perfect , ” [I]_1889-i whisper , instant love booming within [me]_1889-i . “_[1889-i] [You]_1890-you keep saying [he]_1889-i . ” [Ava]_238-ava looks down at the back of [his]_1889-i head . “_[1889-i] Is it confirmed ? ” [I]_1889-i frown . No , it ’s not . [I]_1889-i was so enthralled , [I]_1889-i did n’t look for [his]_1889-i bits , or lack thereof . “_[1889-i] Wait . ” [I]_1889-i reach for the towel covering [them]_3430-them , pulling it up before lifting a little leg a tad so [I]_1889-i can see . “_[1889-i] What is it , [Dad]_1256-dad ? ” [Jacob]_60-jacob hurries around to [my]_{240-my boy} side , as well as [Maddie]_26-maddie . “_{[240-my boy]} [A boy]_{240-my boy} or [a girl]_{2026-a girl} ? ” [I]_{240-my boy} smile , looking at each of [their]_3430-them impatient faces before cocking [my]_{240-my boy} head for [them]_3430-them to look [themselves]_3430-them . Both [their]_3430-them heads dive down to inspect [the area]_{535-the area} . “_{[240-my boy]} Well ? ” [Ava]_238-ava asks , impatient . “_[0-i] Tell [me]_0-i . ” [Maddie]_26-maddie coughs . “_{[240-my boy]} It ’s definitely a [he]_{240-my boy} . ” Looking up to [Ava]_238-ava , [she]_238-ava smirks . “_{[240-my boy]} And [he]_{240-my boy} ’s got a bigger penis than [Jacob]_60-jacob has now ! ” [I]_26-maddie let out a bark of laughter , roughing [[my]_26-maddie boy]_{240-my boy} ’s hair when [he]_{240-my boy} throws an indignant look [Maddie]_26-maddie ’s way . “_[26-maddie] Get lost , [Maddie]_26-maddie . ” [I]_26-maddie crawl up and lie down beside [Ava]_238-ava , [my]_26-maddie body stretched the length of [hers]_238-ava and then some . [I]_26-maddie kiss [[my]_26-maddie baby boy]_{240-my boy} ’s sweet little head , inhaling as [I]_26-maddie do . [Lord]_{240-my boy} , [I]_26-maddie ’ve missed that smell so much . “_[26-maddie] [You]_26-maddie did so well . ” [I]_26-maddie turn [my]_26-maddie lips to [[my]_26-maddie wife]_26-maddie and kiss [her]_26-maddie sweaty forehead , taking the opportunity to breathe [her]_26-maddie in , too . “_[26-maddie] So , so well . ” Sighing deeply , [she]_26-maddie closes [her]_26-maddie eyes and nuzzles into [me]_26-maddie . “_[26-maddie] [You]_26-maddie ’re [[my]_0-i superstar]_26-maddie . ” “_[26-maddie] That ’s one [I]_0-i ’ve never been called before , ” [I]_0-i quip lightly . “_[0-i] What happened to [god]_{1893-a good - looking little fucker} ? ” A tired chuckle melts into [my]_{1893-a good - looking little fucker} ears as [I]_{1893-a good - looking little fucker} snuggle in close , the side of one finger stroking down [his]_{1893-a good - looking little fucker} little cheek . “_{[1893-a good - looking little fucker]} [He]_{1893-a good - looking little fucker} ’s [a good - looking little fucker]_{1893-a good - looking little fucker} , ” [I]_{1893-a good - looking little fucker} whisper . “_{[1893-a good - looking little fucker]} Clearly [he]_{1893-a good - looking little fucker} takes after [[his]_{1893-a good - looking little fucker} dad]_{1819-his dad} . ” “_{[1893-a good - looking little fucker]} [Your]_{1893-a good - looking little fucker} ego knows no bounds . ” “_[169-hey] [Hey]_169-hey , what are [we]_1895-we calling [him]_{1893-a good - looking little fucker} ? ” [Maddie]_26-maddie is already besotted , [her]_26-maddie attention on [the baby]_{2508-the baby} and [the baby]_{2508-the baby} alone . [I]_0-i stall voicing [my]_0-i preference , like [I]_0-i have for some time . [I]_0-i ’m not sure if it ’s a good idea , or what [Ava]_238-ava would think . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i do n’t know . ” [I]_0-i shrug mildly . “_[0-i] What do [[you]_0-i guys]_{2324-you guys} think ? What does [he]_{1893-a good - looking little fucker} look like ? ” Both of [them]_{2324-you guys} crowd [him]_{1893-a good - looking little fucker} , [their]_{2324-you guys} heads cocked in contemplation . “_{[1893-a good - looking little fucker]} [He]_{1893-a good - looking little fucker} does n’t look like anything . ” [Jacob]_60-jacob reaches forward and touches the end of [his]_{1893-a good - looking little fucker} nose . “_{[1893-a good - looking little fucker]} [He]_{1893-a good - looking little fucker} ’s so tiny . ” “_{[1893-a good - looking little fucker]} [I]_0-i think [he]_{1893-a good - looking little fucker} looks like [a Joseph]_{1897-a joseph} , ” [Maddie]_26-maddie declares . “_{[1893-a good - looking little fucker]} [He]_{1893-a good - looking little fucker} ’s got the same amount of hair as [Pap]_85-pap . ” [I]_{1893-a good - looking little fucker} grin when [Ava]_238-ava snorts . “_{[1893-a good - looking little fucker]} What do [you]_0-i think , [Mummy]_77-mummy ? ” [Ava]_238-ava breathes in , [her]_238-ava chin lowering to [her]_238-ava chest to look at [his]_{1893-a good - looking little fucker} peaceful form . [She]_238-ava thinks for a while , and then [she]_238-ava looks to [the twins]_{2012-the twins} . “_[26-maddie] [Maddie]_26-maddie , [Jacob]_60-jacob , meet [[your]_0-i new brother]_{1898-your new brother} . ” Glancing back at [me]_60-jacob , [[my]_60-jacob wife]_238-ava smiles faintly . “_[60-jacob] [Baby John - Boy]_60-jacob . ” Oh , fucking hell . [My]_60-jacob heart bursts . “_[60-jacob] Really ? ” [I]_{1898-your new brother} ask , pushing down the lump working its way into [my]_{1898-your new brother} throat . [She]_238-ava shrugs , as if it ’s nothing , when it is absolutely everything . “_{[1898-your new brother]} [He]_{1898-your new brother} looks like a [John]_60-jacob to [me]_0-i . ” Peeking back down at [him]_{1898-your new brother} , [she]_238-ava nods to [herself]_238-ava decisively . “_{[1898-your new brother]} Yes , [he]_{1898-your new brother} ’s definitely [a John]_60-jacob . And if [we]_1899-we ’re lucky , [he]_{1898-your new brother} ’ll be as loyal , brave , and loving as the original . ” Fuck , [I]_293-someone ’m [a goner]_60-jacob . [I]_293-someone bury [my]_293-someone face into [her]_238-ava neck and let [my]_293-someone stinging eyes release the tears . [My]_293-someone emotions are shot , a huge concoction of overwhelming happiness and unrelenting sadness . [I]_293-someone ’ll make sure [baby John - Boy]_60-jacob is all of those things . If it ’s the last thing [I]_293-someone do , [he]_{1898-your new brother} ’ll be everything [[his]_{1898-your new brother} uncle]_60-jacob [John]_60-jacob was . [I]_293-someone feel [Ava]_238-ava ’s hand in [my]_293-someone hair , comforting [me]_293-someone . [I]_293-someone ’ve held it together for long enough . It ’s all coming out now . But then [baby John - Boy]_60-jacob decides it ’s [his]_{1898-your new brother} turn to have a wail , putting the stoppers on [my]_293-someone intended release time . [I]_293-someone peek up , [my]_293-someone face wet , and find [his]_{1898-your new brother} fist rammed in [his]_{1898-your new brother} mouth . “_{[293-someone]} [Someone]_293-someone ’s hungry . ” [I]_32-mum look across to [the kids]_{2010-the kids} and cock [my]_32-mum head . “_[32-mum] [Mum]_32-mum ’s about to get [her]_32-mum boobs out . ” “_[32-mum] [I]_0-i ’ll go see if [the ambulance]_{381-the ambulance} is here ! ” [Jacob]_60-jacob bombs from [the lounge]_{708-the lounge} like a spitfire , leaving smoke in [his]_{1898-your new brother} wake . [I]_32-mum laugh . [He]_{1898-your new brother} ’s just witnessed [[his]_{1898-your new brother} mum]_32-mum giving birth , not that [he]_{1898-your new brother} saw the graphic stuff , but still . It was an experience . And [he]_{1898-your new brother} ’s scared of a bit of boob ? “_[32-mum] Can [I]_0-i stay ? ” [Maddie]_26-maddie asks , a little tentatively . [She]_26-maddie ’s so curious , completely bewitched by [[her]_26-maddie new brother]_32-mum . “_[0-i] Sure [you]_32-mum can , [darling]_32-mum . ” [Ava]_238-ava reaches for [her]_238-ava hand . “_[0-i] But first would [you]_32-mum mind getting [me]_0-i some water ? ” “_[170-ice] [Ice]_170-ice ? ” “_[170-ice] Lovely . ” [Maddie]_26-maddie shoots off , eager to help . It ’s a great start to the new dynamics of [[our]_1903-our family]_{1407-our family} . “_[1903-our] Shall [we]_1903-our ? ” [I]_1903-our ask , helping [her]_238-ava lift [him]_32-mum to [her]_238-ava breast . [He]_32-mum latches onto [Ava]_238-ava ’s nipple like a suction pad , [his]_32-mum cheeks hollowing and pulling long sucks . “_[1903-our] Fuck [me]_0-i , [he]_32-mum ’s definitely [a breast man]_32-mum . ” “_[32-mum] Stop . ” [Ava]_238-ava laughs , smacking [my]_32-mum hand playfully before settling [her]_238-ava head back down . If there is a more beautiful sight than this , then [I]_32-mum ’m yet to see it . “_[32-mum] [You]_32-mum ’re [a lucky man]_{1904-a lucky man} , [John - Boy]_60-jacob , ” [I]_60-jacob whisper , taking [my]_60-jacob face down close to [his]_32-mum . [His]_32-mum eyes are open just a fraction , but [they]_32-mum ’re on [me]_60-jacob . “_[60-jacob] [I]_0-i ’m willing to share for now , ” [I]_60-jacob tell [him]_32-mum , dropping a kiss on [his]_32-mum forehead as [Ava]_238-ava giggles softly . “_[60-jacob] But be warned , [I]_0-i ’m only loaning them to [you]_60-jacob . [I]_0-i want them back . Understand ? ” [I]_26-maddie stroke over [his]_32-mum smooth head , smiling down at [[my]_26-maddie new baby boy]_60-jacob . [I]_26-maddie swallow down the lump closing [my]_26-maddie throat and look up to the eyes that keep [me]_26-maddie alive . And looking back at [me]_26-maddie , [her]_238-ava gaze soft and teary , is the beauty that is [my]_26-maddie life . Epilogue Eighteen months later [Ava]_238-ava The sun is warm , the sky clear . [[Our]_3438-our house]_{543-our home} smells like cakes baking and potatoes roasting . It ’s all mixing up with the drifting scent of charcoal from the barbeque floating in from [the garden]_{2075-the garden} . It smells like [home]_{543-our home} , [[our]_3438-our home]_{543-our home} , and the sounds are perfectly [[our]_3438-our home]_{543-our home} , too . [Maddie]_26-maddie ’s music blaring down [the stairs]_{244-the stairs} , [Jacob]_60-jacob smacking a tennis ball across the net . [John - Boy]_60-jacob squealing in [the garden]_{2075-the garden} . [I]_26-maddie smile and peek out the kitchen window as [I]_26-maddie rub cream into [my]_26-maddie hands , seeing [Jesse]_454-jesse on all - fours chasing [him]_454-jesse . [I]_26-maddie say chase . [He]_454-jesse ’s making all the threatening sounds as [he]_454-jesse crawls after [our]_3438-our lumbering toddler on [the lawn]_{2079-the lawn} . [He]_454-jesse ’s just walking . Literally just . [I]_26-maddie was beginning to worry ; [the twins]_{2012-the twins} were both on [their]_{2012-the twins} feet at twelve months , but [John - Boy]_60-jacob … oh , no . But then when [he]_454-jesse ’s got [four people]_{3444-four people} to carry [him]_454-jesse around wherever [he]_454-jesse pleases , why the hell would [he]_454-jesse bother using [his]_454-jesse own two feet ? Taking [my]_26-maddie apron off and letting [my]_26-maddie hair out of its ponytail , [I]_26-maddie head for [the garden]_{2075-the garden} to join in the fun now all the food is prepped . As [I]_26-maddie make it to the back door , finding them rolling around on the grass , [I]_26-maddie ca n’t bring [myself]_26-maddie to interrupt [their]_{2012-the twins} roughty - toughty fun . Besides , [I]_26-maddie ’m hardly dressed for wrestling . So [I]_26-maddie stand at the door , [my]_26-maddie shoulder resting on the frame , and [I]_26-maddie do something [I]_26-maddie ’ll never tire of . [I]_26-maddie watch [them]_{3444-four people} . [Jesse]_454-jesse and [John - Boy]_60-jacob . [I]_26-maddie watch [them]_{3444-four people} laugh , roll , squeal . [[My]_26-maddie husband]_454-jesse is on [his]_454-jesse back and currently has [[our]_3447-our toddler]_{3448-our toddler} held in the air above [him]_454-jesse , swishing [him]_454-jesse from side to side like [a diving fighter plane]_{3449-a diving fighter plane} . [He]_454-jesse ’s making the noises to match . [John - Boy]_60-jacob thinks it ’s hilarious . [I]_26-maddie do , too . All that fear [Jesse]_454-jesse tried to hide in the early stages of [my]_26-maddie pregnancy was wasted effort . [I]_26-maddie understood [his]_454-jesse panic . [Fifty]_49-fifty is quite mature to be fathering [a child]_{3450-a child} . But , truth is , it ’s given [him]_454-jesse a new lease of life . After everything that happened , [John]_60-jacob , [Lauren]_1535-lauren , [my]_26-maddie accident , [John - Boy]_60-jacob was a pure blessing in disguise . [I]_26-maddie breathe in and take a seat on [the steps]_{3451-the steps} quietly so [they]_{3451-the steps} do n’t notice [they]_{3451-the steps} have [a spectator]_{3452-a spectator} . [Jesse]_454-jesse rolls over and places [John - Boy]_60-jacob on [his]_454-jesse unsteady feet , quickly moving back . “_[26-maddie] Can [you]_1905-you catch [Daddy]_26-maddie ? ” [he]_454-jesse asks , ruffling up [John - Boy]_60-jacob ’s blond hair . It ’s thick and gorgeous , just like [[his]_454-jesse brother]_60-jacob ’s and just like [[his]_454-jesse daddy]_60-jacob ’s . “_[171-dada] [Dada]_171-dada , noooooo ! ” [John - Boy]_60-jacob bends at the waist and places [his]_454-jesse little palms on [his]_454-jesse knees , like [he]_454-jesse could be telling [Jesse]_454-jesse off . [I]_171-dada stifle a laugh , grinning like [an idiot]_{2583-an idiot} as [John - Boy]_60-jacob stomps forward with outstretched arms and [Jesse]_454-jesse walks back on [his]_454-jesse knees , keeping the distance . “_[171-dada] [Dada]_171-dada , bad ! ” [He]_454-jesse ’s getting stroppy , [his]_454-jesse gorgeous little face twisting with displeasure . “_[171-dada] Back , back , back ! ” [he]_454-jesse shouts . “_[171-dada] Back , [Dada]_171-dada ! ” “_[171-dada] [You]_171-dada can go faster , ” [Jesse]_454-jesse tells [him]_454-jesse , getting to [his]_454-jesse feet . “_[171-dada] Run for [Daddy]_26-maddie . ” “_[60-jacob] [John - Boy]_60-jacob run ! ” [He]_454-jesse waddles on , [his]_454-jesse pace picking up . “_[60-jacob] [John - Boy]_60-jacob , run , run , run ! ” “_[60-jacob] That ’s it . ” [Jesse]_454-jesse walks backward , [his]_454-jesse pace slow , even though [John - Boy]_60-jacob ’s little chubby legs are now virtually sprinting . [My]_60-jacob breath catches when [I]_60-jacob see [him]_454-jesse stumble , [his]_454-jesse hands coming up in an instinctual move to save [him]_454-jesse before [he]_454-jesse hits [the deck]_{3454-the deck} . [He]_454-jesse does n’t need those hands . “_[60-jacob] Oops , there [he]_1906-he goes . ” [Jesse]_454-jesse laughs , swiping [John - Boy]_60-jacob from [his]_1906-he feet in one swift move . And then [he]_1906-he is sailing through the air like [a jet plane]_{3455-a jet plane} once again . [Jesse]_454-jesse ’s always there for [him]_1906-he . Always there for [all of [us]_{612-all of us}]_{612-all of us} . [I]_1906-he clap , laughing , winning both of [their]_{612-all of us} attentions . [I]_1906-he ’m not sure whose green eyes sparkle more . “_[1906-he] Good running , [John - Boy]_60-jacob ! ” [I]_172-mama call , holding out [my]_172-mama hands for [him]_454-jesse to come . “_[172-mama] [Mama]_172-mama ! ” [He]_454-jesse struggles free from [Jesse]_454-jesse ’s hold and gets set on [his]_454-jesse feet . [God]_373-god , [his]_454-jesse little grinning face is just edible . Clomping on [his]_454-jesse way , [he]_454-jesse holds [his]_454-jesse arms out while [Jesse]_454-jesse keeps close company behind to catch [him]_454-jesse when [he]_454-jesse falls . Because [he]_454-jesse will . About two of [Jesse]_454-jesse ’s strides away , the inevitable trip happens . And once again [he]_454-jesse ’s saved by [Daddy]_26-maddie , who swings [him]_454-jesse into [my]_1907-my arms . “_[1907-my] There [he]_1907-my is ! ” [I]_0-i sing , catching [him]_454-jesse from [Jesse]_454-jesse ’s hands and putting [my]_0-i lips straight on [his]_454-jesse cheek , making [him]_454-jesse giggle , the sound so sweet . [Jesse]_454-jesse lowers to the step beside [me]_0-i , [his]_454-jesse attention now on [me]_0-i . When [his]_454-jesse gaze meets [mine]_0-i , [he]_454-jesse smiles that roguish smile . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i like [your]_0-i dress . ” “_[0-i] Of course [you]_0-i do . [You]_0-i chose it . ” [I]_0-i roll [my]_0-i eyes as [I]_0-i reach over to offer [my]_0-i lips . [I]_0-i do n’t get a chance to poise [them]_3457-them ready for [his]_454-jesse attack . [He]_454-jesse ’s on [me]_0-i fast , delivering a smacker of a kiss . “_[0-i] Hmmm , [you]_0-i smell divine . ” [I]_293-someone hum , feeling [John - Boy]_60-jacob pulling at the top of [my]_293-someone black wraparound dress . That fresh water scent on [[my]_293-someone husband]_454-jesse is still the best tranquilizer , [my]_293-someone body folding under the smell , [his]_454-jesse breath always so minty fresh . Pulling back a fraction , [Jesse]_454-jesse circles [my]_293-someone nose with [his]_454-jesse . “_{[293-someone]} [Someone]_293-someone wants access , ” [he]_454-jesse quips , nodding to [John - Boy]_60-jacob wrestling with the black material of [my]_293-someone dress . “_{[293-someone]} Greedy little sod . ” “_{[293-someone]} [Someone]_293-someone needs to get used to the fact that [Mummy]_77-mummy ’s boobs are n’t at [his]_293-someone disposal . ” [I]_263-argh take [John - Boy]_60-jacob ’s hands and push them away , making [him]_293-someone whine and start slapping [my]_263-argh chest in protest . “_[263-argh] [I]_0-i know , [mate]_263-argh , ” [Jesse]_454-jesse sighs , reaching for [his]_454-jesse chubby cheek and pinching lightly . “_[263-argh] [She]_263-argh ’s a tease , right ? ” [I]_263-argh laugh , repositioning [John - Boy]_60-jacob on [my]_263-argh lap , away from [me]_263-argh . [He]_454-jesse ’s having none of it , fighting to turn . [I]_263-argh moan . This weaning business is exhausting , but with [me]_263-argh now setting up [my]_263-argh own interior design firm , it ’s essential . Plus , [he]_454-jesse ’s way too big now to be hanging off [my]_263-argh boob . “_[263-argh] [Mummy]_77-mummy will get [you]_263-argh a bottle . ” “_[173-booby] [Booby]_173-booby , booby , booby ! ” [Jesse]_454-jesse falls apart , chuckling uncontrollably next to [me]_173-booby while [I]_173-booby fight off [[our]_3459-our relentless toddler]_{3460-our relentless toddler} . “_[173-booby] Just let [him]_173-booby have what [he]_173-booby wants . ” [Jesse]_454-jesse places [his]_173-booby hand on [John - Boy]_60-jacob ’s head , rubbing lovingly . [I]_454-jesse refuse to give in , and part of [me]_454-jesse is wondering if [[my]_454-jesse conniving husband]_{3461-my conniving husband} has a method to [his]_{3461-my conniving husband} madness , because [he]_{3461-my conniving husband} usually does . And this time , [I]_454-jesse suspect [he]_{3461-my conniving husband} ’s cottoned onto the fact that with [[his]_{3461-my conniving husband} son]_60-jacob stuck to [my]_454-jesse breast , there ’s no way [I]_454-jesse can go back to work full - time . Well , [he]_{3461-my conniving husband} can think again . [He]_{3461-my conniving husband} sulked for weeks when [I]_454-jesse told [him]_{3461-my conniving husband} [my]_454-jesse plan for [my]_454-jesse new business . Even laid a few of [his]_{3461-my conniving husband} fucks on [me]_454-jesse . [They]_3462-they did n’t make a difference . [I]_454-jesse held [my]_454-jesse own , and [he]_{3461-my conniving husband} finally relented . [He]_{3461-my conniving husband} ’s learning . “_[454-jesse] [Jesse]_454-jesse , ” [I]_0-i moan , looking for the backup [I]_0-i need . [Jesus]_26-maddie , [he]_{3461-my conniving husband} ’ll still be attached to [my]_0-i breast when [I]_0-i ’m fifty , and [I]_0-i plan on having surgery way before then . Like as soon as these balloons shrink back down to [their]_3462-they usual form , which basically means [they]_3462-they ’ll be spaniel ’s ears again . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m sorry . ” [[My]_0-i wayward husband]_{3463-my wayward husband} snorts and gathers [himself]_{3463-my wayward husband} . “_[0-i] Why are [you]_0-i finding this so funny , anyway ? ” [I]_0-i grumble , handing [John - Boy]_60-jacob over to [Jesse]_454-jesse . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i thought [you]_0-i wanted them back for [yourself]_0-i ? ” [He]_{3463-my wayward husband} stands [John - Boy]_60-jacob on [his]_{3463-my wayward husband} knees and smiles fondly at the little bugger . “_[869-buddy] But [his]_869-buddy needs are greater than [mine]_0-i , are n’t [they]_1911-they , [buddy]_869-buddy ? ” [I]_869-buddy ’m stunned . Never in a million years did [I]_869-buddy ever expect those words to fall from [[my]_869-buddy husband]_454-jesse ’s mouth . “_[869-buddy] [You]_869-buddy ’ve changed , ” [I]_869-buddy mutter , feeling absolutely slighted as [he]_{3463-my wayward husband} distracts [John - Boy]_60-jacob by blowing raspberries on [his]_{3463-my wayward husband} belly . The shriek of laughter is ear - piercing and heart swelling all at once , [John - Boy]_60-jacob ’s hands yanking at [Jesse]_454-jesse ’s dirty blond waves . “_[869-buddy] If [you]_0-i ’re feeling that blasé about [my]_0-i boobs , [you]_0-i wo n’t mind if [I]_0-i get [them]_1911-they inflated to [their]_1911-they former glory . ” [I]_0-i realize [I]_0-i ’ve just poked the bear with a huge fucking stick . But still … what the hell , with all this casual approach to [my]_0-i assets ? Or [his]_{3463-my wayward husband} assets , more to the point . [Jesse]_454-jesse ’s playful motions still , [his]_454-jesse face smothered by [John - Boy]_60-jacob ’s round tummy . [I]_0-i smile to [myself]_0-i , waiting for the thorough dressing down [I]_0-i ’m about to get . Slowly , [his]_454-jesse face turns toward [mine]_0-i , [his]_454-jesse green eyes narrow , the cogs of [his]_454-jesse mind smoking [they]_1911-they ’re spinning so fast . “_[0-i] Take that back right now . ” [I]_0-i pout , all innocent , and shake [my]_0-i head . [I]_0-i ’m in the mood for a Retribution Fuck . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m getting a boob job . ” “_[26-maddie] Over [my]_0-i dead body , [lady]_26-maddie . ” [I]_26-maddie sigh , rising to [my]_26-maddie feet . “_[26-maddie] Get a grip , [Ward]_238-ava . [I]_0-i ’ve had three kids ravish these boobs , on top of [you]_26-maddie . [They]_{1913-these boys} ’re knackered . ” [I]_238-ava turn and wander into [the house]_{2056-the house} , [Jesse]_454-jesse hot on [my]_238-ava heels with [John - Boy]_60-jacob thrown under [his]_454-jesse arm , laughing . [Daddy]_26-maddie is n’t laughing , though . “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava ! ” “_[172-mama] [Mama]_172-mama ! ” [I]_172-mama get to the fridge and pull out some milk for [John - Boy]_60-jacob , turning with a coy smile on [my]_172-mama face as [I]_172-mama shake it up . “_[172-mama] So whose boobies are [they]_{1913-these boys} ? ” “_[1914-mine] [Mine]_1914-mine , ” [Jesse]_454-jesse growls , nostrils flaring and all . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i only loaned [them]_{1913-these boys} . ” “_[1914-mine] [Mine]_1914-mine ! ” [John - Boy]_60-jacob sings , making grabby hands for [his]_454-jesse milk . [My]_0-i grin stretches [my]_0-i face as [I]_0-i hand [John - Boy]_60-jacob [his]_454-jesse milk , [Jesse]_454-jesse ’s displeased eyes following [me]_0-i all the way . [He]_454-jesse shoves it straight in [his]_454-jesse mouth and pipes down . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i believe [they]_{1913-these boys} are actually [mine]_1914-mine , ” [I]_0-i declare haughtily , sashaying out of [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} , knowing exactly what [I]_0-i ’m damn well doing . [These boys]_{1913-these boys} , [I]_0-i think , heading to answer a knock at the front door . [The whole gang]_{2989-the whole gang} marches into [the house]_{228-the kitchen} . [Drew]_53-drew and [Raya]_54-raya head straight for [the lounge]_{708-the lounge} to lay a sleeping [Imogen]_165-imogen on the couch , while [Georgia]_58-georgia dances off [upstairs]_589-upstairs to find [Maddie]_26-maddie . [Sam]_50-sam and [Kate]_194-kate have a verbal spar on the way to [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} over whose turn it is to change [Betty]_{424-elizabeth} ’s nappy , and [Mum]_32-mum and [Dad]_1256-dad , followed closely behind by [[Jesse]_454-jesse ’s parents]_{3470-jesse ’s parents} , head straight for [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} to take the reins . [I]_0-i follow [the troop]_{3471-the troop} , meeting [Jacob]_60-jacob at the entrance to [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} . “_[0-i] Look at the state of [you]_1915-you . ” [I]_0-i sigh , pointing to the grass stains on [his]_50-sam knees as [he]_50-sam spins [his]_50-sam tennis racket in [his]_50-sam grasp . “_[0-i] Are [Uncle Sam]_50-sam and [Drew]_53-drew [here]_2274-here ? ” [He]_50-sam shrugs off [my]_1917-my fussing hands and pulls a tennis ball from the pocket of [his]_50-sam shorts . “_[1917-my] [We]_1917-my ’re playing doubles , and [me]_0-i and [Dad]_1256-dad are gon na win . ” [I]_79-darling laugh . “_[79-darling] Of course [you]_1915-you are , [darling]_79-darling . [Dad]_1256-dad always wins . ” [I]_1256-dad take [his]_1256-dad shoulders and push [him]_1256-dad into [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} . “_[1256-dad] Come say hi to [everyone]_283-everyone before [you]_1915-you disappear back into [the garden]_{2075-the garden} . ” “_[1256-dad] Hey , [Mum]_32-mum ? ” [He]_50-sam stops [us]_1917-my from progressing to [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} , looking up at [me]_32-mum . [He]_50-sam gives [me]_32-mum [his]_50-sam sweet little crinkled forehead that ’s a replica of [[his]_50-sam dad]_1256-dad ’s . It ’s frightening how much [[our]_1917-my boys]_{3473-our boys} look like [Jesse]_454-jesse . [They]_{3473-our boys} ’re like little doppelgängers . It ’s both highly satisfying that [they]_{3473-our boys} ’ve inherited [[their]_{3473-our boys} father]_1256-dad ’s obscenely handsome looks , and very worrying , too . How many girls will [I]_32-mum be fending off over the coming years ? Which reminds [me]_32-mum , [Jacob]_60-jacob has [a guest]_{3474-a guest} — [a girl [he]_{3474-a guest} ’s fond of]_{3475-a girl he ’s fond of} . [Jesse]_454-jesse and [I]_32-mum agreed to let [them]_{3473-our boys} each have [a friend]_{349-a friend} over for this afternoon ’s barbeque in [John]_60-jacob ’s memory . [Neither of [us]_3478-us]_{2103-neither of us} expected [them]_{3473-our boys} to invite [friends of the opposite sex]_{3479-friends of the opposite sex} . “_[32-mum] What ’s up , [sweetheart]_0-i ? ” [I]_0-i know what ’s up . “_[0-i] When [Clarita]_174-clarita arrives , do n’t embarrass [me]_0-i , will [you]_0-i ? ” [I]_0-i feign a shocked face , resting [my]_0-i palm on [my]_0-i chest . “_[0-i] [Me]_0-i ? ” “_[0-i] Yes , [you]_0-i . And please keep [Dad]_1256-dad under control . ” [I]_0-i laugh . “_[0-i] [You]_0-i do n’t have to worry about [[your]_0-i father]_1256-dad . [His]_1256-dad attention will be on [Maddie]_26-maddie and [[her]_26-maddie guest]_{1921-her guest} . ” “_[1256-dad] Still , be cool , yeah ? ” “_[1256-dad] Yes , [I]_0-i ’ll be cool , ” [I]_0-i assure [him]_1256-dad . “_[0-i] But just remember . ” “_[0-i] What ? ” [I]_0-i smile down at [[my]_0-i boy]_1256-dad and kiss [his]_1256-dad hair . “_[0-i] [You]_0-i only need [one woman in [your]_0-i life]_{1922-one woman in your life} . And who ’s that ? ” “_{[424-elizabeth]} [[My]_0-i mother]_{424-elizabeth} . ” [He]_1256-dad sighs on an expert roll of [his]_1256-dad eyes , one [I]_{1924-good boy} know [he]_1256-dad ’s learned from [me]_{1924-good boy} . “_{[1924-good boy]} [Good boy]_{1924-good boy} . ” [I]_60-jacob leave [him]_{1924-good boy} to say [his]_{1924-good boy} hellos to [the gang]_{984-the gang} , going back to the front door when there ’s knocking . [I]_60-jacob open and find [Elsie]_32-mum with a huge bunch of flowers held in front of [her]_32-mum . [Her]_32-mum head pops up over the spray , [her]_32-mum pink hair blending with the colorful arrangement . “_[60-jacob] [John]_60-jacob always bought [me]_0-i big , bright bouquets . [He]_{1924-good boy} said the more vibrant , the more [they]_1925-they reminded [him]_{1924-good boy} of [me]_0-i . ” [I]_{1924-good boy} smile , a little sadness washing over [me]_{1924-good boy} . “_{[1924-good boy]} [They]_1925-they ’re beautiful . ” [I]_1925-they accept [them]_1925-they and give [her]_32-mum a big hug . “_[1925-they] [You]_1925-they look gorgeous . Thank [you]_1925-they for coming . ” “_[1925-they] Do n’t get all sappy on [me]_0-i or [I]_0-i ’ll cry , and [John]_60-jacob would not be happy about that . ” [She]_32-mum gently but firmly swats [me]_60-jacob away , lifting [her]_32-mum chin high . “_[60-jacob] Where are [those gorgeous children]_{1926-those gorgeous children} ? ” [I]_32-mum laugh and open the way , leading [her]_32-mum to [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} . “_[32-mum] [Elsie]_32-mum ’s here , ” [I]_32-mum declare , smiling when [everyone]_283-everyone rushes to welcome [her]_32-mum . [I]_32-mum make [my]_32-mum way to the fridge , pulling out a jug of [Pimm]_175-pimm ’s . “_[32-mum] What ’s up with moody balls ? ” [Kate]_194-kate asks , collecting the glasses for [me]_0-i . Sure enough , [Jesse]_454-jesse ’s forehead is a map of angry lines , [his]_454-jesse scowl pointed at [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i smile sweetly at [him]_454-jesse as [I]_0-i pour drinks for [me]_0-i and [Kate]_194-kate . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i may have dropped the boob bomb . ” “_[0-i] Oh , that would explain it . ” [She]_194-kate chuckles and takes a glug of [her]_194-kate drink as [Raya]_54-raya joins [us]_3483-us with [Elsie]_32-mum . “_[0-i] Explain what ? ” [Raya]_54-raya asks , taking an empty and holding it out for [me]_{306-my man} to fill . “_{[306-my man]} [[My]_0-i man]_{306-my man} is grumpy about the boob situation . ” [Raya]_54-raya whines a little under [her]_54-raya breath . “_{[306-my man]} Oh God , [my]_0-i breasts look like [they]_1928-they ’ve been ravaged , and not in the best way . ” [She]_54-raya looks down at [them]_1928-they , [her]_54-raya lip curling in disapproval . “_[1928-they] Oh , [you]_0-i [young girls]_{1929-young girls} ! ” [Elsie]_32-mum chuckles . “_{[1929-young girls]} Grow old gracefully . ” [I]_{1929-young girls} snort . “_{[1929-young girls]} It ’s all right for [you]_0-i with [your]_0-i tight little body . ” [I]_{1929-young girls} ’m still doing yoga with [Elsie]_32-mum , though not as often , and [I]_{1929-young girls} can guarantee [I]_{1929-young girls} wo n’t have [her]_32-mum figure in [my]_{1929-young girls} midsixties . “_{[1929-young girls]} What ’s going on ? ” [Jesse]_454-jesse asks , looking as suspicious as [I]_{1929-young girls} know [he]_454-jesse is as [he]_454-jesse approaches , [a quiet John - Boy]_454-jesse still gobbling down [his]_454-jesse milk in [his]_454-jesse arms . “_{[1929-young girls]} Nothing , ” [I]_{1929-young girls} sing , taking the jug of [Pimm]_175-pimm ’s and topping up [the girls]_{2069-the girls} . “_{[1929-young girls]} Hey . ” [Kate]_194-kate pulls [Sam]_50-sam over . “_{[1929-young girls]} If [Ava]_238-ava ’s getting [her]_238-ava boobs fixed , so am [I.]_1930-i. ” “_[238-ava] [Ava]_238-ava is n’t getting [her]_238-ava boobs fixed because [they]_1931-they are n’t broken , ” [Jesse]_454-jesse declares , throwing [Kate]_194-kate a deadly glare . “_[238-ava] [The surgeon]_{1495-an expert} ’s [an expert]_{1495-an expert} , [Jesse]_454-jesse , ” [I]_454-jesse argue , aware that [I]_454-jesse ’m wasting [my]_454-jesse time . “_[454-jesse] [I]_0-i ’ll be in perfectly safe hands . ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m the only expert on [[my]_0-i wife]_26-maddie ’s boobs around here , and the only safe hands [they]_1931-they ’ll be in are [mine]_1934-mine . End of . ” [Drew]_53-drew smiles as [he]_53-drew pops the cap off [his]_53-drew beer . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i think [John - Boy]_60-jacob is more [the expert]_{1935-the expert} these days , right ? ” [He]_53-drew chuckles around the top of [his]_53-drew bottle as [I]_{2010-the kids} silently will [him]_53-drew to stop with the teasing . It just makes the gorilla worse . At that moment , [John - Boy]_60-jacob takes [his]_53-drew empty bottle and smacks it over [Jesse]_454-jesse ’s head , as if in agreement . [Everyone]_121-everyone flinches , but not [Jesse]_454-jesse . [He]_53-drew ’s too busy still giving [me]_{2010-the kids} the death stare . [Elsie]_32-mum , chuckling , takes [John - Boy]_60-jacob from [Jesse]_454-jesse ’s arms . “_{[2010-the kids]} Come on , [children]_{2010-the kids} , ” [she]_32-mum sings when [Maddie]_26-maddie and [Georgia]_58-georgia come dancing into [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} . “_[26-maddie] [Maddie]_26-maddie , [you]_26-maddie get [Betty]_{424-elizabeth} , and , [Georgia]_58-georgia , [you]_26-maddie get [Imogen]_165-imogen . Let ’s go play . ” [Elsie]_32-mum directs all [the kids]_{2010-the kids} into [the garden]_{2075-the garden} , and [I]_{2010-the kids} smile after [her]_32-mum . [She]_32-mum ’ll have [them]_{2010-the kids} all doing baby yoga in no time . “_{[2010-the kids]} So when do [you]_26-maddie fly out ? ” [Raya]_54-raya asks as [the men]_{2252-the men} break away and go congregate around [the island]_{2099-the island} . “_[26-maddie] Tomorrow . ” [I]_26-maddie ’m reminded that [I]_26-maddie still have a ton of things to do before [we]_1937-we head for [the airport]_{3489-the airport} . [I]_26-maddie have n’t even finished packing . “_[26-maddie] [I]_0-i ca n’t believe [we]_1937-we ’re not invited . ” [Kate]_194-kate throws [me]_26-maddie a feigned hurt expression that [I]_26-maddie find easy to brush off . [She]_194-kate understands . “_[26-maddie] It ’s just [me]_0-i , [Jesse]_454-jesse , and [the kids]_{2010-the kids} . ” [I]_454-jesse ca n’t be made to feel guilty . It ’s [our]_1937-we first holiday for over two years . “_[454-jesse] And [I]_0-i ca n’t wait to have [them]_{2010-the kids} all to [myself]_0-i . ” [I]_454-jesse glance over to [Jesse]_454-jesse as [he]_454-jesse glances over to [me]_454-jesse . Fucking hell , [he]_454-jesse ’s so damn beautiful , even when [he]_454-jesse ’s grumpy . [[My]_454-jesse husband]_454-jesse . [The man who ’s given [me]_454-jesse [three beautiful kids]_{2010-the kids}]_454-jesse . [I]_454-jesse look at [them]_{2010-the kids} each day and thank all things holy that [I]_454-jesse found the enigma that was [Jesse Ward]_454-jesse . [I]_454-jesse thank [my]_454-jesse lucky stars that [I]_454-jesse walked into [that posh sex club of [his]_454-jesse]_{3491-that posh sex club of his} and had the wind knocked out of [me]_454-jesse by just the sound of [his]_454-jesse voice . Of course , then [I]_454-jesse saw [him]_454-jesse . And then [he]_454-jesse saw [me]_454-jesse . At that very moment , when [I]_454-jesse was standing before [him]_454-jesse struggling to find breath , and [he]_454-jesse was looking at [me]_454-jesse with that heavy frown of [his]_454-jesse , it was game over . For both of [us]_3492-us . Simple as that . [The road]_{2159-the road} was rocky , the secrets dark , [his]_454-jesse ways challenging . And what ’s most cruel is that [I]_454-jesse had to discover all of [his]_454-jesse secrets not only once , but twice . But every drop of pain and suffering each time was worth it . [He]_454-jesse ’s not an enigma to [me]_454-jesse anymore . Has n’t been for a long time . [He]_454-jesse ’s [[my]_454-jesse husband]_454-jesse , the most devoted , adoring , gorgeous example of [a man]_{2143-uncle carmichael} [any woman]_{3495-any woman} could hope to have . Except [any other woman]_{3496-any other woman} can carry on hoping , because [this one]_{3208-this one} , [this man]_{2143-uncle carmichael} , [he]_{2143-uncle carmichael} ’s [mine]_454-jesse . [I]_454-jesse smile the smile only [he]_{2143-uncle carmichael} can draw from [me]_454-jesse . It ’s one filled with love of the perfect kind . Because [he]_{2143-uncle carmichael} ’s [mine]_454-jesse . [I]_454-jesse ’ll always be with [this man]_{2143-uncle carmichael} . * * * [Jesse]_454-jesse “_[454-jesse] [I]_0-i love [you]_0-i , ” [I]_0-i mouth as [she]_0-i gazes across [the kitchen]_{228-the kitchen} at [me]_0-i , looking at [me]_0-i in the exact same way [she]_0-i looked at [me]_0-i the first time [she]_0-i set eyes on [me]_0-i . With lust . With awe . [She]_0-i ’s looked at [me]_0-i in that way every single day of [our]_3499-our lives together . Well , almost every single day . The accident , [her]_0-i temporarily lost memories , was just a blip on the horizon of [my]_0-i happiness . Yet at the time , it felt like the end of [my]_0-i world . [I]_0-i should have known that [our]_3499-our love would prevail in the end . And now [I]_0-i really do know that [we]_3499-our ’re unbreakable . Smiling that smile that sets [my]_0-i insides alight , [she]_0-i kisses the air toward [me]_0-i before returning [her]_0-i attention back to [the girls]_{2069-the girls} . “_[0-i] So , the boobs ? ” [Sam]_50-sam asks , tapping the top of [my]_50-sam bottle with [his]_50-sam , winning [my]_50-sam attention . “_[50-sam] [Sam]_50-sam . ” [Drew]_53-drew punches [his]_50-sam bicep . “_[50-sam] Why ’d [you]_50-sam have to do it , ah ? ” “_[50-sam] Just asking . ” [He]_50-sam grins around the lip of [his]_50-sam bottle , [his]_50-sam always smiling eyes not letting [him]_50-sam down . “_[50-sam] Just asking for [me]_0-i to nut [you]_50-sam ? ” [I]_50-sam quip , yet somewhere close to serious , and [he]_50-sam knows it . “_[50-sam] There are no boobs beyond what ’s already there . ” [She]_0-i can get that stupid idea right out of [her]_0-i head . “_[50-sam] And what ’s there is perfect . ” [I]_50-sam clink [their]_3501-their bottles . “_[50-sam] To [that motherfucker John]_{1939-that motherfucker john} . ” “_[50-sam] [The motherfucker John]_{1939-that motherfucker john} . ” [They]_3501-their laugh , pulling one from [me]_{1939-that motherfucker john} as [I]_{1939-that motherfucker john} head for [the garden]_{2075-the garden} , stopping at the back door and looking across the grass . “_{[1939-that motherfucker john]} It ’s like a fucking crèche , ” [I]_0-i mutter , sounding exasperated at the sight of all [the kids]_{2010-the kids} , though [I]_0-i ’m really not . [Elsie]_32-mum has [them]_{2010-the kids} all lying on [their]_{2010-the kids} backs , legs in the air . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m off to smack a few balls over the net with [Jacob]_60-jacob . ” [Drew]_53-drew swipes [[my]_0-i boy]_60-jacob ’s racket from [his]_60-jacob hand and jogs off to the court with [Jacob]_60-jacob running after [him]_60-jacob , shouting for [his]_60-jacob magic racket back . “_[0-i] Suppose [I]_0-i better go show [them]_1940-them how it ’s done . ” [Sam]_50-sam rolls [his]_50-sam eyes like it ’s an inconvenience . “_[0-i] Coming ? ” “_[0-i] No , [I]_0-i ’m waiting for [some more guests]_{1941-some more guests} . ” Just as [I]_454-jesse say it , the doorbell rings , and [I]_454-jesse dart back into [the house]_{536-the hall} before [Ava]_238-ava can beat [me]_454-jesse to it . [I]_454-jesse meet [her]_238-ava in [the hall]_{536-the hall} . [She]_238-ava ’s ahead of [me]_454-jesse , but a quick , sneaky grab of [her]_238-ava wrist and a yank back puts [me]_454-jesse in front . [She]_238-ava knew [I]_454-jesse ’d be lurking , waiting to pounce . “_[454-jesse] [Jesse]_454-jesse , do n’t [you]_454-jesse upset [Maddie]_26-maddie , ” [Ava]_238-ava warns , knowing [my]_26-maddie game . [I]_26-maddie slap on [[my]_26-maddie killer]_{3505-my killer} smile and flash it at [[my]_26-maddie wife]_238-ava before swinging the door open . But it drops when [I]_26-maddie find [a young girl]_{3506-a young girl} . Oh . [I]_26-maddie have n’t a speech planned for [[Jacob]_60-jacob ’s friend]_{3506-a young girl} . Not one that wo n’t make [her]_{3506-a young girl} cry , anyway . “_[26-maddie] Hello , [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} . ” [Clarita]_174-clarita dazzles [me]_{57-mr. ward} with a smile full of personality . “_{[57-mr. ward]} Hi . ” [I]_{57-mr. ward} open the door wider and let [her]_{3506-a young girl} in . [I]_{57-mr. ward} ’m handing this one over to [[my]_{57-mr. ward} wife]_238-ava . Smiling at [Ava]_238-ava , [I]_{57-mr. ward} nod to [Clarita]_174-clarita ’s back as [she]_238-ava approaches . Let ’s see how [she]_238-ava welcomes [this new woman]_238-ava into [[her]_238-ava darling boy]_{3507-her darling boy} ’s life . “_{[57-mr. ward]} Over to [you]_{57-mr. ward} , ” [I]_{57-mr. ward} quip . [Her]_238-ava scowl is barely contained . “_{[57-mr. ward]} Hi , [Clarita]_174-clarita . [Jacob]_60-jacob is on [the tennis court]_{1942-the tennis court} . Do [you]_{57-mr. ward} want something to drink before [you]_{57-mr. ward} head out ? ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m fine , thank [you]_{57-mr. ward} . It was very nice of [you]_{57-mr. ward} to invite [me]_0-i . ” Is it [me]_{57-mr. ward} , or is [Ava]_238-ava swooning ? Yes , [she]_238-ava ’s definitely swooning . What happened to [the lioness]_{3508-the lioness} ? “_{[57-mr. ward]} [You]_{57-mr. ward} ’re more than welcome , [sweetheart]_0-i . Help [yourself]_{57-mr. ward} today , okay ? Drinks , food , [you]_{57-mr. ward} name it . ” “_{[57-mr. ward]} Why do n’t [you]_{57-mr. ward} just ask [her]_1943-her if [she]_1943-her wants to stay the night , too ? ” [I]_171-dada grumble under [my]_171-dada breath as [I]_171-dada shut the door , plodding back to [the garden]_{2075-the garden} . “_[171-dada] [Dada]_171-dada ! ” [John - Boy]_60-jacob spots [me]_171-dada and breaks away from [the group]_{3082-the group} , clearly fed up with yoga . “_[171-dada] Hey ! ” [I]_26-maddie scoop [him]_{1944-your guest} into [my]_26-maddie arms and let [him]_{1944-your guest} pull at [my]_26-maddie cheeks . “_[26-maddie] [Maddie]_26-maddie ! ” [Ava]_238-ava calls from behind . “_[26-maddie] [[Your]_26-maddie guest]_{1944-your guest} is here ! ” [I]_26-maddie swing around so fast , [John - Boy]_60-jacob starts giggling uncontrollably , obviously thinking [Daddy]_26-maddie ’s playing . [I]_26-maddie ’m not . Damn it , why did [I]_26-maddie leave the front door ? [Ava]_238-ava ’s knowing look tells [me]_26-maddie [she]_238-ava knows [I]_26-maddie ’m mentally kicking [myself]_26-maddie . [I]_26-maddie needed a few moments alone with this little twerp [[my]_26-maddie daughter]_238-ava ’s apparently crushing on . And as [I]_26-maddie think that , the little twerp comes into view , standing next to [Ava]_238-ava . [My]_26-maddie eyes pop out of [my]_26-maddie head . Fuck [me]_26-maddie , how old is [he]_{1944-your guest} ? Panicked , [I]_26-maddie look to [Ava]_238-ava , searching for some backup . [I]_26-maddie get nothing but a shake of [her]_238-ava head . What the fuck ? [He]_{1944-your guest} must be knocking on six foot . As [Maddie]_26-maddie passes [me]_26-maddie , [she]_238-ava throws [me]_26-maddie a look to suggest [I]_26-maddie should keep [my]_26-maddie mouth the hell shut . [She]_238-ava can think again . [I]_26-maddie watch as [she]_238-ava reaches up and kisses [his]_454-jesse cheek . [Good Lord]_{3106-good lord} , [someone]_293-someone hold [me]_26-maddie back . “_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie ’s nearly fourteen , [Jesse]_454-jesse , ” [Ava]_238-ava says to [me]_454-jesse quietly when [she]_26-maddie ’s made it over . “_[454-jesse] Do n’t be all over the top about it . ” “_[454-jesse] Why does [everyone]_283-everyone insist on saying nearly fourteen ? That does n’t make [her]_26-maddie fourteen , and even if it does , [she]_26-maddie ’s still illegal . ” “_[26-maddie] Illegal to date ? ” [Ava]_238-ava laughs . “_[26-maddie] To do everything , ” [I]_26-maddie confirm . “_[26-maddie] [She]_26-maddie ’s growing up , [Jesse]_454-jesse . Get over it . [She]_26-maddie and [I]_0-i have had the talk . [She]_26-maddie ’s [a sensible girl]_26-maddie . ” [My]_26-maddie body starts twitching uncontrollably as [I]_26-maddie stare at [[my]_26-maddie wife]_26-maddie in horror . “_[26-maddie] The talk ? ” Please , [God]_373-god , tell [me]_26-maddie [Ava]_238-ava ’s not going to say what [I]_26-maddie think [she]_26-maddie ’s going to say . “_[26-maddie] Of course . [We]_1947-we had that conversation at least a year ago . ” [John - Boy]_60-jacob ’s vibrating in [my]_1947-we arms now , so much so , [Ava]_238-ava must think [I]_1947-we ’m going to drop [him]_1949-i because [she]_26-maddie takes [him]_1949-i from [me]_1947-we . “_[1947-we] [You]_1948-you need to calm down , ” [she]_26-maddie warns . Fuck that ! “_[1948-you] If [you]_1948-you and [Maddie]_26-maddie have had the talk , it ’s only right [me]_0-i and … what ’s [his]_1949-i name ? ” “_[176-lonny] [Lonny]_176-lonny . ” “_[176-lonny] [Lonny]_176-lonny ? ” [I]_176-lonny question . “_[176-lonny] What the fucking hell kind of name is that ? [[His]_1949-i parents]_{2037-his parents} must be [morons]_1951-morons , too . ” [I]_1949-i sink the rest of [my]_1949-i beer , eyeing up [the little fucker]_{3513-the little fucker} . “_[1949-i] How old is [he]_1949-i ? ” “_[1949-i] Fourteen . ” “_[1949-i] Give [me]_0-i a break . ” [I]_1949-i laugh . “_[1949-i] [He]_1949-i must be lying . [He]_1949-i ’s at least twenty . ” “_[1949-i] Oh , for [God]_373-god ’s sake . ” [Ava]_238-ava smacks [my]_1949-i arm . “_[1949-i] Stop being dramatic . ” [I]_1949-i see [Ava]_238-ava in the corner of [my]_1949-i eye wandering off across the grass . Dramatic ? [I]_1949-i do n’t think [I]_1949-i am . [Me]_1949-i and [Lonny]_176-lonny need to have a chat . [My]_1949-i shoulders back , [I]_1949-i wander over to [Maddie]_26-maddie and [Lonny]_176-lonny , seeing with perfect clarity the warning in [[my]_1949-i baby girl]_{1130-my baby girl} ’s eyes . And also the worry , because [she]_{1130-my baby girl} knows [I]_1949-i ’m not interested in heeding [her]_{1130-my baby girl} warning . “_[1949-i] Hi . ” [My]_{57-mr. ward} voice is low and rough , just as [I]_{57-mr. ward} intended . Manly . [Lonny]_176-lonny smiles at [me]_{57-mr. ward} . “_{[57-mr. ward]} [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} , nice to meet [you]_{57-mr. ward} . ” [I]_{57-mr. ward} recoil . [I]_{57-mr. ward} ca n’t help it . Has [he]_{57-mr. ward} got a vise on [his]_{57-mr. ward} balls ? [His]_{57-mr. ward} squeaky voice does n’t match [his]_{57-mr. ward} height . Maybe the shit really is fourteen . [I]_{57-mr. ward} look down at [his]_{57-mr. ward} offered hand , [my]_{57-mr. ward} eyebrows rising . [Let]_81-let ’s see if [his]_{57-mr. ward} handshake is [any manlier]_{3515-any manlier} . [I]_{57-mr. ward} clasp it hard , immediately disappointed when [he]_{57-mr. ward} flinches in pain . [I]_{57-mr. ward} smile on the inside . “_{[57-mr. ward]} Let ’s take a walk , [Lonny]_176-lonny . ” “_[176-lonny] No , [Dad]_1256-dad . ” [Maddie]_26-maddie dives in front of [me]_1256-dad , like [[her]_26-maddie little girlie figure]_{3516-her little girlie figure} might stop [me]_1256-dad . [A fucking bulldozer]_{3517-a fucking bulldozer} would n’t stop [me]_1256-dad . “_[1256-dad] [I]_0-i just want to chat with [him]_1256-dad . ” [I]_1256-dad appease [her]_26-maddie , knowing [I]_1256-dad ’m wasting [my]_1256-dad time . “_[1256-dad] [You]_1256-dad want to chat , do n’t [you]_1256-dad , [Lonny]_176-lonny ? ” “_[1256-dad] Y - yes , [sir]_1256-dad . ” [He]_1256-dad looks afraid . [He]_1256-dad should . Be very afraid , [Lonny]_176-lonny . “_[1256-dad] See ? ” [I]_1256-dad sweep [my]_1256-dad arm out in gesture for [him]_1256-dad to lead on , blinding [him]_1256-dad with the smile [I]_1256-dad usually only reserve for [[my]_1256-dad babies]_{2508-the baby} . It falls the moment [Ava]_238-ava shoves [John - Boy]_60-jacob in [my]_1256-dad arms . Oh , [she]_238-ava ’s cunning . [I]_1256-dad ca n’t very well trample when [I]_1256-dad ’m holding [the baby]_{2508-the baby} . [John - Boy]_60-jacob does n’t help [my]_1256-dad cause of trying to appear threatening when [he]_1256-dad grabs [my]_1256-dad stubbly cheeks and squeezes [them]_{2508-the baby} . [Lonny]_176-lonny laughs . [I]_1256-dad do not . “_[1256-dad] Let ’s walk , ” [I]_1256-dad tell [him]_1256-dad , nodding down the path to the swing bench , [the most secluded place in [the garden]_{2075-the garden}]_{1953-the most secluded place in the garden} . Stuffing [his]_1256-dad hands in the pockets of [his]_1256-dad jeans , [he]_1256-dad walks on and [I]_1256-dad follow , eyeballing [him]_1256-dad the entire way . “_[1256-dad] [You]_1952-you have [a lovely home]_{1953-the most secluded place in the garden} , [Jesse]_454-jesse . ” [He]_1256-dad smiles at [me]_454-jesse , and [I]_454-jesse raise [my]_454-jesse brows . “_[454-jesse] [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} , ” [he]_1256-dad corrects [himself]_1256-dad , very wisely . The little suck - up . So , it ’s compliments all the way , is it ? [My]_{57-mr. ward} eyes narrow on [him]_1256-dad as [we]_3520-we stroll , and [he]_1256-dad quickly darts [his]_1256-dad gaze to [his]_1256-dad feet , taking one hand to [his]_1256-dad hair and running it through nervously . [I]_{57-mr. ward} wo n’t ever admit it out loud , but [he]_1256-dad ’s [a good - looking little fucker]_{1893-a good - looking little fucker} . [I]_{57-mr. ward} can see why [[my]_{57-mr. ward} girl]_{245-my girl} is crushing on [him]_1256-dad . “_{[57-mr. ward]} Tell [me]_0-i about [your]_0-i grades . ” [He]_1256-dad might carry the looks and , apparently , the charm , but it ’s all a waste if [the kid]_1256-dad ’s an underachiever . [[My]_0-i girl]_{245-my girl} is bright . [She]_{245-my girl} needs [someone]_293-someone to equal that . “_[0-i] [My]_0-i grades ? ” [he]_1256-dad asks , a little hesitantly , and [I]_0-i nod . Though [my]_0-i prompt does n’t push [him]_1256-dad to go on , [his]_1256-dad cheeks filling with a bit of color . It ’s as [I]_0-i thought . [He]_1256-dad ’s a reject . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ’m top of some of [my]_0-i classes , [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} . ” Oh . Do [I]_{57-mr. ward} have a compulsive liar on [my]_{57-mr. ward} hands ? “_{[57-mr. ward]} What classes ? ” [He]_1256-dad smiles , awkward . “_[1954-them] All of [them]_1954-them . ” Oh . “_[1954-them] [My]_0-i favorite is maths , though . And science . [I]_0-i ’d like to be [a physician]_{1955-a physician} someday . ” [He]_1256-dad sighs . “_[0-i] But the university fees are steep . ” [He]_1256-dad blows out [his]_1256-dad cheeks , and [I]_0-i conclude on the spot that [[his]_1256-dad parents]_{2037-his parents} must be a little hard up . “_[0-i] Who knows , [I]_0-i might win the scholarship [I]_0-i ’m hoping for . It ’d be real cool if [I]_0-i won that place at [Oxford]_21-oxford . ” [Oxford]_21-oxford ? [The boy]_1256-dad dreams big , and as [I]_0-i watch [him]_1256-dad , scuffing [his]_1256-dad feet as [he]_1256-dad ambles on beside [me]_0-i , [I]_0-i ca n’t help but think of [[my]_0-i brother]_{2431-my brother} . [He]_1256-dad was ambitious , too , full of dreams and determination to make [them]_3526-them happen . [I]_0-i flinch a little with the unexpected thought . “_[0-i] Here , sit , ” [I]_0-i tell [him]_1256-dad , pointing to the cushion on the bench as [I]_0-i settle and sit [John - Boy]_60-jacob on [my]_0-i lap . [I]_0-i do n’t need to rock the swing . [Lonny]_176-lonny ’s long legs take care of that for [me]_0-i . “_[0-i] How ’d [you]_1956-you meet [Maddie]_26-maddie ? ” [I]_1957-mates ask , probably too shortly . “_[1957-mates] [Me]_0-i and [Jacob]_60-jacob are [mates]_1957-mates . ” Oh , [I]_1957-mates see . Worming [his]_1256-dad way into the affections of [[his]_1256-dad mate ’s sister]_{3527-his mate ’s sister} . The conniving shit . “_[1957-mates] [[Your]_0-i mum]_{513-your mum} ’s told [you]_0-i it ’s illegal to kiss until [you]_0-i ’re thirty , right ? ” [He]_1256-dad glances up at [me]_1957-mates , alarmed . “_[1957-mates] It is ? ” “_[1957-mates] Oh , yeah , it is . ” [The poor kid]_1256-dad looks terrified . Good . [I]_1957-mates put [John - Boy]_60-jacob on [his]_1256-dad feet on [my]_1957-mates knees when [he]_1256-dad starts getting restless and yelling at [Lonny]_176-lonny . “_[1957-mates] And [[your]_0-i dad]_{1571-a dad} ’s told [you]_0-i about the birds and the bees , right ? ” [I]_1957-mates ’m completely unprepared for the wash of sadness that passes over [his]_1256-dad face , [his]_1256-dad eyes dropping to [his]_1256-dad swinging feet . Shit , what did [I]_1957-mates say ? “_[1957-mates] [I]_0-i do n’t have [a dad]_{1571-a dad} , [sir]_{1571-a dad} . ” “_{[1571-a dad]} Of course [you]_0-i do . ” [I]_283-everyone laugh . “_{[283-everyone]} [Everyone]_283-everyone has [a dad]_{1571-a dad} . ” “_[1961-mine] [Mine]_1961-mine walked out on [[my]_0-i mum]_{2281-my mum} when [I]_0-i was eighteen months old . Have n’t seen [him]_{1571-a dad} since . ” [He]_{1571-a dad} shrugs , like it ’s no biggie , and [I]_{1571-a dad} die on the inside . Really die . [I]_{1571-a dad} ’m a twat . “_{[1571-a dad]} [I]_0-i looked [him]_{1571-a dad} up last year , but [he]_{1571-a dad} was n’t interested . So it ’s just [me]_0-i and [Mum]_32-mum . ” [I]_32-mum want to punch [myself]_32-mum in [my]_32-mum stupid face , and [I]_32-mum ’m pretty sure [Ava]_238-ava would if [she]_238-ava knew [I]_32-mum ’d just put [my]_32-mum big foot in it . [I]_32-mum cast [my]_32-mum eyes to [[John]_60-jacob - Boy , who ’s dancing on [my]_32-mum lap]_60-jacob , talking a load of gibberish as [he]_{1571-a dad} claps [his]_{1571-a dad} hands and yells at [Lonny]_176-lonny . Eighteen months . [John - Boy]_60-jacob ’s age . Unexpected anger rises from [my]_32-mum toes and burns [my]_32-mum insides . [He]_{1571-a dad} walked out on [[his]_{1571-a dad} boy]_60-jacob ? So who ’s guided [him]_{1571-a dad} [his]_{1571-a dad} whole life ? Who took [him]_{1571-a dad} football training and to [his]_{1571-a dad} first match ? “_[32-mum] [You]_1963-you do n’t need [a man like that in [your]_1963-you life]_{1964-a man like that in your life} , ” [I]_1963-you tell [him]_{1964-a man like that in your life} , overwhelmed by the respect [I]_1963-you have for [this kid]_60-jacob now . “_[1963-you] [You]_1963-you ’re doing fine without [him]_{1964-a man like that in your life} , anyway . ” [The kid]_60-jacob has Oxford in [his]_{1964-a man like that in your life} dreams , and something deep , and oddly proud , tells [me]_1963-you [he]_{1964-a man like that in your life} ’ll make it there , too . “_[1963-you] Dream big , fight hard . ” [Lonny]_176-lonny says it quietly , [his]_176-lonny gaze staring off into the distance , as [I]_1963-you stare at [him]_{1964-a man like that in your life} , astounded by [his]_{1964-a man like that in your life} attitude . “_[1963-you] Make things happen . ” [He]_{1964-a man like that in your life} looks at [me]_1963-you and smiles . “_[1963-you] [You]_1963-you have to go for what [you]_1963-you want and take it . ” “_[1963-you] [I]_0-i could n’t agree more , ” [I]_60-jacob murmur , wondering if [his]_{1964-a man like that in your life} philosophy applies to [[my]_60-jacob daughter]_238-ava , too . [I]_60-jacob wonder where [my]_60-jacob fight is , [my]_60-jacob desire to scare [this kid]_60-jacob off . It ’s gone . “_[60-jacob] [He]_60-jacob ’s so cute . ” [Lonny]_176-lonny takes [John - Boy]_60-jacob ’s hand and lets [him]_60-jacob yank and pull at it while [both of [them]_{2242-both of them}]_{2242-both of them} laugh . “_[60-jacob] Of course [he]_60-jacob is . [He]_60-jacob ’s [mine]_1966-mine . ” [I]_60-jacob flip [Lonny]_176-lonny a wink when [he]_60-jacob glances at [me]_60-jacob . [I]_60-jacob ’m done interrogating [the boy]_60-jacob . “_[60-jacob] [You]_1967-you go find [Maddie]_26-maddie . ” “_[60-jacob] Actually , [I]_0-i would n’t mind having a game of tennis with [Jacob]_60-jacob . ” [He]_60-jacob frowns , looking back toward [the house]_{2056-the house} , where , no doubt , [Maddie]_26-maddie is in [[her]_26-maddie mum]_{424-elizabeth} ’s earhole nagging about [my]_60-jacob trampling ways . [She]_26-maddie need n’t worry . [This kid]_60-jacob has trampled [me]_60-jacob , it seems . Looking back at [me]_60-jacob , [Lonny]_176-lonny ’s lips straighten . “_[60-jacob] But [I]_0-i do n’t think [Maddie]_26-maddie will be very pleased . ” [I]_26-maddie laugh and stand , setting [John - Boy]_60-jacob on [his]_176-lonny feet so [he]_176-lonny can walk back , jerking [my]_26-maddie head for [Lonny]_176-lonny to follow . “_[26-maddie] Let [me]_0-i give [you]_1968-you some advice about [the women in [my]_0-i life]_{1969-the women in my life} , most importantly [Maddie]_26-maddie . ” [His]_176-lonny face is pleading for that advice as [we]_3532-we wander back up [the path]_{770-the path} slowly , [John - Boy]_60-jacob stomping along beside [me]_238-ava , [my]_238-ava shoulder dropped a little so [my]_238-ava hand reaches [his]_176-lonny without stretching [his]_176-lonny little muscles . “_[238-ava] [[My]_0-i daughter]_238-ava is stubborn . ” [Lonny]_176-lonny blows out [his]_176-lonny cheeks , nodding . “_[238-ava] Tell [me]_0-i about it . ” “_[238-ava] Do n’t back down . [She]_238-ava ’s just like [[her]_238-ava mother]_{247-her mother} . Defiant and difficult for the sake of it . [She]_238-ava ’ll have [you]_373-god running in circles if [you]_373-god let [her]_238-ava . ” Something tells [me]_238-ava [Lonny]_176-lonny is already dizzy . “_[238-ava] Be firm . Stand [your]_373-god ground . ” [I]_373-god give [him]_176-lonny a light slap on [his]_176-lonny shoulder , nodding [my]_373-god affirmation . “_[373-god] Yes , [sir]_373-god ! ” [He]_176-lonny beams brightly as [he]_176-lonny heads off toward [the tennis courts]_{3534-the tennis courts} to find [[his]_176-lonny mate]_{3535-his mate} . “_[373-god] Thanks , [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} . ” [I]_176-lonny smile and dip to tie the laces on [John - Boy]_60-jacob ’s little Converses . “_[176-lonny] [Lonny]_176-lonny , ” [I]_176-lonny call , and [he]_176-lonny stops , looking back . “_[176-lonny] Yes , [Mr. Ward]_{57-mr. ward} ? ” “_{[57-mr. ward]} [You]_373-god can call [me]_0-i [Jesse]_454-jesse . ” Another beam , but this time no words . [He]_176-lonny jogs off and disappears around the corner , and [John - Boy]_60-jacob and [I]_373-god continue back to [the house]_{2056-the house} . The moment [Maddie]_26-maddie sees [us]_3537-us , [she]_26-maddie flies over , [her]_26-maddie dark eyes frantically searching for [Lonny]_176-lonny . “_[373-god] Where is [he]_{57-mr. ward} ? Oh [[my]_0-i God]_26-maddie , did [you]_26-maddie kill [him]_{57-mr. ward} and bury [him]_{57-mr. ward} under [the shed]_{1974-the shed} ? [Mum]_32-mum ! ” “_[32-mum] Calm [[your]_26-maddie knickers]_{1975-your knickers} , [little lady]_32-mum . ” [I]_{57-mr. ward} continue past , [her]_32-mum wide eyes following . “_{[57-mr. ward]} [He]_{57-mr. ward} ’s on the tennis court with [[your]_26-maddie brother]_{1640-your brother} . ” “_{[57-mr. ward]} [He]_{57-mr. ward} is ? ” [I]_26-maddie see it in [her]_32-mum already . Indignation . [She]_32-mum looks just like [[her]_32-mum mother]_{247-her mother} as [she]_32-mum huffs and goes marching off . [I]_26-maddie laugh , mentally cheering [Lonny]_176-lonny on in [my]_26-maddie head . [She]_32-mum ’s going to get a nasty surprise . “_[26-maddie] Hey , [Maddie]_26-maddie . ” [She]_32-mum swings around , [her]_32-mum eyes flaming . “_[26-maddie] What ? ” “_{[57-mr. ward]} [He]_{57-mr. ward} ’s [a good kid]_{57-mr. ward} . Do n’t be a little cow , or [he]_{57-mr. ward} might dump [your]_26-maddie stroppy arse . ” [Her]_32-mum jaw drops open , [her]_32-mum face outraged , and [I]_{57-mr. ward} smile , getting on [my]_{57-mr. ward} way with [John - Boy]_60-jacob . “_{[57-mr. ward]} Who are [you]_26-maddie and what have [you]_26-maddie done with [[my]_0-i dad]_{2080-my dad} ? ” [she]_32-mum calls at [my]_0-i back . [I]_0-i do n’t answer , smiling at [Ava]_238-ava when [she]_32-mum approaches with curiosity rife on [her]_32-mum face . [I]_0-i shake [my]_0-i head and swing [my]_0-i arm around [her]_32-mum neck . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i ca n’t wait until tomorrow , ” [I]_0-i tell [her]_32-mum , pulling [her]_32-mum in and kissing [her]_32-mum temple . “_[0-i] [Me]_0-i either . ” [Her]_32-mum hands disappear under [my]_171-dada T - shirt and glide over [my]_171-dada skin , coming to rest over [my]_171-dada heart . It ’s going crazy , thumping happily . Now it beats for [four people]_{3444-four people} . * * * The next day … The familiar smell of the sea air fills [my]_171-dada nose as [I]_171-dada stand on the seashore in [my]_171-dada shorts , the Mediterranean a never - ending blanket of sparkling water under the blazing sun . It ’s [John - Boy]_60-jacob ’s first time in [Paradise]_6-paradise , and [he]_171-dada ’s mesmerized by the sand under [his]_171-dada little bare feet , [his]_171-dada toes constantly clawing . “_[171-dada] Look , [Dada]_171-dada ! ” [he]_171-dada says , over and over , doing little dramatic gasps as [he]_171-dada points to the gigantic expanse of blue water before [him]_171-dada and the white sand [he]_171-dada ’s standing on . “_[178-gosh] [Gosh]_178-gosh , ” [he]_171-dada breathes , bewitched by [the sea]_{1123-the sea} . “_[178-gosh] Gosh , [Dada]_171-dada . ” [My]_171-dada fucking heart swells to epic proportions as [I]_171-dada hold [his]_171-dada hand and [Jacob]_60-jacob holds [his]_60-jacob other , [our]_3541-our feet getting precariously close to the water . [Maddie]_26-maddie is dancing in [the shallow depths]_{3542-the shallow depths} . “_[171-dada] Look , [John - Boy]_60-jacob ! ” [She]_26-maddie kicks the water and [he]_60-jacob chuckles , the sound adorable . “_[60-jacob] [You]_60-jacob coming to play in the water ? ” [She]_26-maddie drops to [her]_26-maddie knees and holds out [her]_26-maddie hands . “_[60-jacob] No , [Addie]_179-addie . ” [He]_60-jacob shakes [his]_60-jacob little head and turns into [Jacob]_60-jacob , raising [his]_60-jacob arms for [[his]_60-jacob brother]_60-jacob to pick [him]_60-jacob up . [I]_179-addie lower [my]_179-addie arse to the sand as [Jacob]_60-jacob lifts [him]_60-jacob and sets [him]_60-jacob on [his]_60-jacob hip , though [John - Boy]_60-jacob ’s eyes do n’t unstick [themselves]_{3543-themselves} from the water . “_[179-addie] Oh gosh , ” [he]_60-jacob gasps again , pointing out past [Maddie]_26-maddie . “_[179-addie] A oat ! ” “_[179-addie] Yes , [a boat]_{1979-a boat} ! ” [I]_179-addie sing , clapping [my]_179-addie hands at [him]_60-jacob , making [him]_60-jacob jig excitedly in [Jacob]_60-jacob ’s arms . “_[179-addie] Oh , here ’s [Mum]_32-mum . ” [Maddie]_26-maddie jumps up and frantically brushes the wet sand from [her]_32-mum body . “_[32-mum] Quick , [Dad]_1256-dad ! ” [Her]_32-mum hands flap at [me]_1256-dad , hurrying [me]_1256-dad to [my]_1256-dad feet . “_[1256-dad] [You]_1256-dad ready , [guys]_1437-guys ? ” [I]_1437-guys ask , pulling [my]_1437-guys Wayfarers off and getting [my]_1437-guys first glimpse of [her]_32-mum . “_[1437-guys] Fuck [me]_0-i , ” [I]_26-maddie breathe quietly as [she]_32-mum comes down the steps from [the villa]_{3544-the villa} , [her]_32-mum white layered lace bikini perfect against [her]_32-mum olive skin , [her]_32-mum hair plaited over [her]_32-mum shoulder . And [she]_32-mum has a calla lily in [her]_32-mum hand , just a single calla lily . [I]_26-maddie smile and reach into [my]_26-maddie pocket as [she]_32-mum approaches . “_[26-maddie] [Mrs. Ward]_26-maddie , [you]_26-maddie look out of [this world]_{198-this world} . ” “_[26-maddie] [You]_26-maddie too . ” [She]_32-mum holds [her]_32-mum wrist out , eyebrows high , and [I]_26-maddie grin , dragging the cuffs from [my]_26-maddie pocket . “_[26-maddie] Shackle [me]_0-i , [Ward]_26-maddie . ” [I]_26-maddie do as [I]_26-maddie ’m bid , snapping one over [her]_32-mum wrist before securing it to [me]_26-maddie . [I]_26-maddie do n’t know how [she]_32-mum knew [I]_26-maddie ’d have [them]_{2010-the kids} . Then again , [this woman]_32-mum has always read [me]_26-maddie like a book . Leaning in , [I]_26-maddie push [my]_26-maddie lips to [hers]_32-mum . [The kids]_{2010-the kids} do n’t say a word . Even [John - Boy]_60-jacob is silent , probably staring out at the water rather than at [Mummy]_77-mummy and [Daddy]_26-maddie handcuffing [themselves]_{2010-the kids} to each other . “_[26-maddie] Ready ? ” [I]_26-maddie ask [her]_32-mum . “_[26-maddie] Always , ” [she]_32-mum replies , turning [us]_{2010-the kids} toward [the kids]_{2010-the kids} . [I]_26-maddie laugh under [my]_26-maddie breath when [I]_26-maddie find [Jacob]_60-jacob standing tall in [his]_60-jacob swim shorts , a book in [his]_60-jacob hands . “_[26-maddie] What ’s that ? ” [I]_26-maddie ask , bemused . “_[26-maddie] A Bible . [I]_0-i have to look like [I]_0-i know what [I]_0-i ’m doing . This is important . ” [He]_60-jacob clears [his]_60-jacob throat and looks down at the pages , drawing breath to speak . “_[60-jacob] It ’s — ” “_[60-jacob] Wait ! ” [Maddie]_26-maddie yells , chasing after [John - Boy]_60-jacob when [he]_60-jacob decides that now [he]_60-jacob ’d like to try the water . “_[60-jacob] [John - Boy]_60-jacob , no . ” [She]_60-jacob lifts [him]_60-jacob into [her]_60-jacob arms and returns to [her]_60-jacob spot . “_[60-jacob] Sorry . [You]_60-jacob may resume . ” [I]_60-jacob look at [Ava]_238-ava , frowning , and [she]_238-ava laughs . “_[60-jacob] Go on , ” [I]_60-jacob prompt , sliding [my]_60-jacob hand into [[my]_60-jacob wife]_26-maddie ’s . “_[60-jacob] Do [you]_60-jacob , [Jesse Ward]_454-jesse , take [Ava Ward]_238-ava to be [[your]_60-jacob wedded wife]_26-maddie ? ” [Jacob]_60-jacob asks , a certain posh edge to [his]_60-jacob voice . “_[238-ava] To have and to hold from this day forward . To love , honor — ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i thought [we]_1983-we were n’t doing the official thing ? ” [Maddie]_26-maddie interrupts , scowling at [Jacob]_60-jacob . [He]_60-jacob leans into [her]_26-maddie , full of annoyance . “_[60-jacob] [You]_60-jacob ’re ruining [their]_1983-we special day . ” “_[60-jacob] Seriously ? [They]_1983-we ’ve had , like , two already . Who gets married three times ? ” [She]_26-maddie rolls [her]_26-maddie eyes and starts bouncing [John - Boy]_60-jacob when [he]_60-jacob starts yelling impatiently , reaching for [[his]_60-jacob new favorite friend]_{3546-his new favorite friend} , [the Med]_{3546-his new favorite friend} . “_[0-i] [Me]_0-i and [[your]_0-i mum]_{513-your mum} do , ” [I]_0-i snap , giving [her]_{513-your mum} a face that dares [her]_{513-your mum} to argue . “_[0-i] [You]_0-i gon na argue with [me]_0-i ? And before [you]_0-i answer , think carefully about who will be paying for [your]_0-i wedding when [you]_0-i find the one . ” [She]_{513-your mum} snaps [her]_{513-your mum} mouth shut , startled , and probably pleasantly surprised , and [Ava]_238-ava cocks an interested eyebrow . “_[60-jacob] Get on with it , [Jacob]_60-jacob , ” [I]_1256-dad tell [him]_60-jacob , before [anyone]_305-anyone has the chance to ask where [The Jesse Ward]_454-jesse has disappeared to . Turning to [Ava]_238-ava , [I]_1256-dad breathe in the salty air and wink . “_[1256-dad] [Dad]_1256-dad , do [you]_1256-dad take [Mum]_32-mum to be [[your]_1256-dad wife]_{341-your husband} ? ” [Jacob]_60-jacob spurts out the words tiredly . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i do . ” “_[32-mum] [Mum]_32-mum , do [you]_1256-dad take [Dad]_1256-dad to be [[your]_1256-dad husband]_{341-your husband} ? ” “_[0-i] [I]_0-i do . ” [She]_{341-your husband} grins at [me]_0-i , yanking [my]_0-i hand when [my]_0-i eyes drift down to [her]_{341-your husband} boobs straining against the white material of [her]_{341-your husband} bikini . “_[0-i] Eyes up here , [Ward]_454-jesse . ” “_[454-jesse] Sorry . ” [I]_454-jesse flash [her]_{341-your husband} [my]_454-jesse roguish grin , returning [her]_{341-your husband} gesture and yanking [her]_{341-your husband} hand when [her]_{341-your husband} gaze takes a casual jaunt down [my]_454-jesse prime chest . “_[454-jesse] Hey . ” “_[454-jesse] Not sorry . ” [She]_{341-your husband} chuckles , diving at [me]_454-jesse , [her]_{341-your husband} thighs trapping [me]_454-jesse in [their]_3548-their grasp , [her]_{341-your husband} free arm around [my]_454-jesse neck . And [her]_{341-your husband} gorgeous lips on [mine]_0-i . “_[454-jesse] Do n’t ever tell [me]_0-i [I]_0-i ca n’t admire what ’s [mine]_0-i . ” Biting [my]_0-i lip , [she]_{341-your husband} pulls back , just a fraction , so [her]_{341-your husband} forehead rests on [mine]_0-i . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i love [you]_0-i , [Jesse Ward]_454-jesse . ” “_[454-jesse] Of course [you]_0-i do . ” Resealing [our]_3549-us lips , [I]_0-i turn and run into the water with [her]_{341-your husband} attached to [my]_0-i front . “_[0-i] [I]_0-i now pronounce [[you]_0-i man]_586-man and [wife]_26-maddie ! ” [Jacob]_60-jacob yells at [us]_3549-us , [his]_60-jacob declaration only just heard over [our]_3549-us laughs and the splashing water . “_[26-maddie] Hey , wait for [me]_0-i ! ” As soon at the water is up to [my]_26-maddie waist , [I]_26-maddie take [us]_3549-us under , rolling [us]_3549-us around , [our]_3549-us bodies and limbs twisting , the moment reminiscent . Except this time [we]_3549-us ’re not just [us]_3549-us . [We]_3549-us ’re not just [Jesse]_454-jesse and [Ava]_238-ava . [We]_3549-us ’re not just [man]_586-man and [wife]_26-maddie . [We]_3549-us ’re [Mum]_32-mum and [Dad]_1256-dad . Only when [I]_26-maddie ’m unable to hold [my]_26-maddie breath any longer do [I]_26-maddie push [us]_3549-us to the surface , gasping for air when [I]_26-maddie get there . [Ava]_238-ava soon reattaches [herself]_238-ava to [my]_26-maddie front , breathing heavily in [my]_26-maddie face as [she]_238-ava blinks [her]_238-ava eyes open . “_[26-maddie] Fuck , it ’s cold . ” [She]_238-ava shudders in [my]_26-maddie arms as [Jacob]_60-jacob splashes [his]_60-jacob way to [us]_3549-us . “_[26-maddie] Watch [your]_{39-your mother} mouth , ” [I]_{39-your mother} warn , landing [her]_238-ava with a kiss before pulling the cuff off [my]_{39-your mother} wrist and pushing [her]_238-ava away from [me]_{39-your mother} . [I]_{39-your mother} ’m attacked from behind by [Jacob]_60-jacob crawling up [my]_{39-your mother} back until [he]_60-jacob ’s standing on [my]_{39-your mother} shoulders . “_{[39-your mother]} Off [you]_{39-your mother} go , [boy]_{39-your mother} . ” [I]_180-amateurs take [his]_60-jacob ankles and launch [him]_60-jacob into the air , just in time for [Maddie]_26-maddie to tackle [me]_180-amateurs . “_{[180-amateurs]} [Amateurs]_180-amateurs , ” [I]_171-dada mutter , taking [her]_238-ava under the arms and throwing [her]_238-ava away . [She]_238-ava screams , [I]_171-dada laugh , looking to [the shore]_{3550-the shore} to see [John - Boy]_60-jacob standing just out of reach of [the rolling shoreline]_{3551-the rolling shoreline} . “_[171-dada] [Dada]_171-dada ! ” [he]_60-jacob yells to [me]_171-dada , quite put out that [he]_60-jacob ’s missing all the fun . “_[171-dada] [Dada]_171-dada , gosh ! ” [I]_171-dada wipe [my]_171-dada hair from [my]_171-dada face as [I]_171-dada trudge through the water . “_[171-dada] Touch [the sea]_{1123-the sea} , ” [I]_171-dada tell [him]_60-jacob , laughing when [his]_60-jacob little head starts to shake furiously , knocking [his]_60-jacob blond curls about . “_[171-dada] [Dada]_171-dada come get [you]_171-dada ? ” [I]_171-dada ask . “_[171-dada] [Dada]_171-dada ! ” [he]_60-jacob yells , starting to pad the sand with [his]_60-jacob feet , making grabby hands for [me]_171-dada . [I]_171-dada make it to [him]_60-jacob and lift [him]_60-jacob into [my]_171-dada arms , [his]_60-jacob little padded nappy trunks dry as a bone . “_[171-dada] [You]_171-dada always swim in the swimming pool at [home]_201-home , ” [I]_171-dada say , kissing [his]_60-jacob hair as [I]_171-dada walk back into [the water]_{3552-the water} , the others up ahead dunking and splashing each other . “_[171-dada] Hey , calm down , [guys]_1437-guys . ” [They]_1437-guys all stop with the larking around and start encouraging [John - Boy]_60-jacob in , clapping and singing excitedly as [he]_60-jacob starts to jerk in [my]_1437-guys arms . The moment [his]_60-jacob toe touches the water , [he]_60-jacob gasps , and [I]_1437-guys decide it ’s now or never . So [I]_1437-guys quickly sink [us]_3553-us in up to [our]_3553-us necks . “_[1437-guys] Oooh , cold , [Dada]_171-dada ! ” [he]_60-jacob moves to [my]_171-dada front , clinging onto [my]_171-dada neck as [he]_60-jacob looks back to [the others]_{3554-the others} , clearly desperate to join [them]_{3554-the others} . [I]_171-dada swim over as [Jacob]_60-jacob climbs onto [Ava]_238-ava ’s back , and as soon as [I]_171-dada ’m close enough , [Maddie]_26-maddie is on [mine]_171-dada , cooing over [my]_171-dada shoulder to [John - Boy]_60-jacob , who has adopted a chimp - style hold uncannily similar to [[his]_60-jacob mother]_26-maddie ’s . With [Maddie]_26-maddie lying on [my]_171-dada back , and [John - Boy]_60-jacob plastered to [my]_171-dada front , [I]_171-dada swim toward [Ava]_238-ava until [[our]_3556-our baby]_{1647-our baby} is squished between [her]_238-ava chest and [mine]_171-dada , [the twins]_{2012-the twins} dangling from [our]_3556-our backs . The happiness radiating from [[my]_171-dada wife]_26-maddie ’s eyes is fierce , and [I]_171-dada know [mine]_171-dada is reflecting right back at [her]_26-maddie . This moment , this precious moment , is what [any man]_{3559-any man} should live for . And [I]_171-dada do . [I]_171-dada live for [them]_{2012-the twins} . [My]_171-dada heart beats to keep [me]_171-dada alive for [them]_{2012-the twins} . “_[171-dada] Kiss [me]_0-i , ” [I]_0-i say to [Ava]_238-ava over [John - Boy]_60-jacob ’s head , reaching forward with [my]_0-i spare hand and slipping it onto [her]_1992-her nape , holding [his]_3560-his little body to [my]_0-i chest with [my]_0-i other . “_[0-i] And close [your]_1992-her eyes . ” Smiling , [her]_1992-her eyes flutter closed with [mine]_0-i and [our]_1993-our lips meet . [I]_0-i taste nothing but love in [her]_1992-her kiss . [I]_0-i hear nothing but love in the sound of [the twins]_{2012-the twins} ’ laughter . [I]_0-i feel nothing but love in [John - Boy]_60-jacob ’s baby skin pressed against [my]_0-i chest . And [I]_0-i smell nothing but love in Paradise . The only sense [I]_0-i do n’t have in this perfect moment is [my]_0-i vision . To see [[my]_0-i beautiful family]_{1995-my beautiful family} surrounding [me]_0-i . [I]_0-i do n’t need it . [I]_0-i feel them . With every fiber of [my]_0-i being , [I]_0-i feel them . [Their]_{2012-the twins} presence , [their]_{2012-the twins} faces , [their]_{2012-the twins} love , is all carved deeply into [my]_0-i soul . It makes [me]_0-i who [I]_0-i am . [[My]_0-i wife]_{2196-my children} . [[My]_0-i children]_{2196-my children} . [Their]_{2196-my children} love . It ’s pure bliss , [ladies]_1997-ladies . Total gratification . Absolute , complete , Earth - shifting , universe - shaking love . Do n’t tell [me]_0-i there ’s anything more perfect than this . [I]_0-i would n’t believe [you]_1998-you . End of .